#it th eclown

[simple-skarsgard]

The Balcony Scene

Requested; no Prompt: Bill brings you away from the ledge. A/N: I’ve been working on requests, but have been extremely depressed lately and been wanting to write a piece like this as vent writing and I figured some of my followers may need this to. If you’re sad, I’m sorry. I hope this piece helps you in any way and brings you some comfort and I’m glad you’re alive to read this. Keep fighting my lovelies.  Warning: Suicide Attempt, Mentions of self harm (It has a happy ending, but I am in no way romanticizing mental illness. I just used this to make myself feel okay and anyone who can relate.)

It was cold. The night was beautiful, but so sad. It’s bitter winds biting into your warm, flushed, tear-stained cheeks as your eyes looked over every midnight city light adorning the buildings all around you.

You were sat on the cold concrete edge of the balcony to yours and Bill’s current hotel room. Despite being wrapped in a robe and having easy access to the warmth of a coat in your luggage, you remained planted there. The gentle breeze caressing your loose hair, making you occasionally tuck it behind the curve of your ear.

The night may have been quiet..calm.. still.. but it was anything but peaceful. Not within the emptiness aching in your chest or the thoughts endlessly stuck on loop with thoughts you’d much rather not have welcomed if you had a choice in the matter. 

Looking down between your legs to the far beneath busy streets that were twenty floors under you, you were wondering what it would feel like just to let go. 

No. You would never..

Your hands tighten around the fabric of your robe before letting go to grip the edge, daring yourself to scoot closer just to have a better look..

Just leaning in further made your heart race, palms begin to sweat and fingertips tremble.

You close your eyes and take a shaky breath before reaching over to the nearly empty bottle of vodka to your right. Tilting it back to your lips you take a long drink, feeling the fire run down the back of your throat and the stinging sensation followed in your chest and depths of your tummy. It made you numb  to the coolness surrounding you with the exception of it running over the wetness of your cheeks being the only reminder that no amount of warmth brought by alcohol- or anything of that matter- could warm the coldness inside you.

Bill made you happy, so happy that you’d actually learned to love and let yourself be loved. He’d been such a big help in your last few years together in maintaining your mental health the best he possibly could from where he stood. He was always looking to make sure you were okay, offered anything to make you feel better. Whether it ranged from candies and sweets to love making to crying yourself to sleep in his arms.

A lot of the time you felt you didn’t deserve such an amazing man, but hell you had him and were grateful and felt lucky to have found a love people only believe existed in movies or books.

He’d been such a big help in your recovery, but recently the thoughts were starting to come back. Things were starting to get bad again and you had no clue as to why this hell was beginning to weigh on you when it seemed you’d finally managed to be the happiest you’ve ever been.

It’d been so long since such a terrible episode that you didn’t want Bill to become annoyed with your sudden step back. You didn’t tell him you went back to the razor blade. You didn’t tell him when you were sad. You were pushing him away, afraid if he were to see the freshly etched scars in your thighs or stomach or shoulders that he’d leave.

He wouldn’t want to do it all over again with you, there was no way someone could have that much will power to deal with you for so long. That’s how it felt. That nobody would ever want to help you pick yourself back up after several dozen times of failing. 

A sob building in your throat escaped and more tears scurried down your cheeks as your shoulders shook and you tried to silence your already silenced pain even further. You shook your head to yourself as if saying there was no way you could possibly keep doing this to yourself. No way you could possibly keep doing this to Bill.

It’d be easier to jump.

You drank the last several gulps of your drink all in one go and hissed at the stinging burning into your insides before you dropped the bottle to the balcony floor, hearing it clatter and roll to a stop.

Drawing in a long breath you tighten your hold on the edges of the ledge and wiggle your toes preparing to take the leap.

A door creaking open came from not far behind you. 

“(Y/n)?” Bill’s voice came into your hearing and suddenly the urge to jump before he could stop you grew increasingly fast. 

Bill peeked his head from behind the door and saw your back to him on the balcony ledge and for a second he feared he was too late,but to some relief you were planted still.

“(Y/n),” he rushed in, but knew not to get to close out of fear that you’d jump if he did. He took cautious steps as if walking on a mine field and one wrong step would cause a disaster that nobody would want to be apart of.

“Sweetheart,” his hand was reaching out in motions of gesturing for you to slow down and hear him out, trying to ease you down even if you weren’t looking at him,”Don’t do anything drastic, please.”

You didn’t do anything but turn to face him and saw him flinch as if he could already see you falling off, but you looked at him with empty eyes.

“Hey,” your voice was flat, but broke as your forced a dry smile,”How was the audition, honey?”

“(Y/n),” he was trying so hard not to show his fear in his voice, but failing just as hard.”Let’s talk, sweetheart, yeah?”

“Talk about what, Bill?!” You snapped, making him immediately stop. He was several feet from you and suddenly everything was crashing down on you.

“Talk about how I’ve been feeling like the worst person alive for the last few months and have been hiding it from you because you don’t need me in your life?!” the sobs were racking your body so hard, Bill was afraid you’d fall without even making the decision yourself.

“That’s not true, (Y/n),” even in this situation his voice was stern and solid. Like he couldn’t be more sure of this fact than anything else in the world.

“It feels like it is,” you sobbed and shook your head,”I feel like I’m bringing you down and you could be so much happier without me and I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way when all you’ve ever done was be so good to me. So good to me.”

It was always a cruel sense of humor to think you’d have someone to prove their love to you day in and day out in ways you never even considered possible and still question your value to them or if they meant what they said or did.

“(Y/n),  please just get down baby please we can talk this out however you want just please get down from there,” the tears in his eyes were becoming impossible to hold back as he dared to take a step closer. “You know I’ll listen to you over and over day and night if I have to.”

“But you don’t deserve to be put through that,” your lips were quivering and voice straining,”you shouldn’t have to be doing all this for me just because I can’t be strong on my own. You deserve to be happy.”

“You make me happy, (Y/n),” his body held back at seeing your unconscious grip loosen from the edge. “Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us, babygirl. You’re everything to me.”

You heard his words, but said nothing in return to give him a chance to talk to you. Seeing the fear and sadness in his eyes was making you doubt your decision.

“You’re so important to me and you’ve made me grow in ways I don’t even understand..”

He was crying now.

“The day I met you , I never knew that so far down the line you’d mean the world to me and I’d be lost without you here. I need you here and alive and to keep fighting, because I’m selfish and wouldn’t be okay without you by my side.”

You had been distraught while looking down at your hands while he was speaking you didn’t notice how much closer he’d gotten.

“I know you’re sad and I know you’re in so much pain and I wish I could take it all away from you, but I can’t and it terrifies me more than anything in the world that I have no control over the thoughts that tell you you’re not good enough,” he was steps away now.

“And if anything were to ever happen to you, I would never forgive myself for losing the most beautiful woman I could ever have the greatest good fortune of calling mine.”

Suddenly he wrapped his arms around you tight and threw himself backwards so you both landed on the floor. Though he made sure to protect your head when you landed and pressed your harder into his chest as your muffled crying grew quieter.

You sobbed loudly against his chest as he held you tight laying on the floor and he cried with you, kissing your forehead repeatedly.

‘Don’t you ever do that to me again,” he sobbed while gripping your hair tightly as if he was afraid of letting go..because he was. ‘Please don’t ever do that again, please.”

His own sobs had him trembling like a scared puppy and all you could do was hug him back and cry apologizing over and over for not knowing what came over you.

He shook his head as his tears fell and all he could do was be so glad to have you breathing in his arms even if you were crying your soul out. He wouldn’t have made it without you, there was no way he could be without you. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,  I’m sorry,” your broken breathing shook you violently as Bill suddenly pulled away to cup your face and kiss you tenderly. 

Pressing his forehead to yours as the two of your cried all he could do was whisper I love you’s and I care about you’s. 

‘It’s going to be okay,(Y/n),  I promise.”

A/n: I dont know how to feel about this. it didn’t turn out how i;d  imagined and I didnt expect to be crying either, but if you’re feeling down, please hang in there! You are doing such a good job of fighting this war and I believe in you and I am so fucking proud of you for being alive.