#it sure ain't that i don't get joy out of life. just. yeah. i dunno

[chippedshake]

A couple years ago, Ponyboy came home one day and monopolised the entire dinnertime conversation to talk about school. It wasn’t an uncommon situation, but usually Dally forgot about what he’d said the moment Pony finished a sentence.

Usually, Soda would make some vaguely affirmative sounds, Two-Bit wouldn’t even try to hide the fact that he was thinking about something else, and Johnny would be listening raptly but never saying a word. Darry and Ponyboy's parents would generally be the only ones to ask questions – his parents because he was their child and they were forced to care, and Darry because somehow the freak was genuinely interested. Dally would've bullied him about it if he wasn't so big.

But that time, the time that Dally's remembering as the cold night air cuts against his face, it was different. Because three years later Dally can still remember the story he told them.

Well, not exactly. There were some weird names he didn't even understand when Pony said them for the first time, but he can remember the story.

A man could revive his wife if he guided her up from hell without looking back to check that she was still there. He almost made it, but in the end he turned around, she was there, but she ended up in hell again.

Dally's first reaction was calling the man a fucking idiot for looking back and saying the story was a piece of shit. If he didn’t look, he might have his wife back, he might not. If he did look back, he definitely wouldn't have his wife back. Where was the fucking issue?

He said as much and Ponyboy just gave him one of his old-man-trapped-in-a-runt's-body looks, said a thoughtful "I don't think so" and changed the subject.

Dally still thought it was stupid the next day when he walked down a narrow sidewalk with Johnny and turned around three times to make sure he was still there.

He still thought it was stupid when Johnny sat next to him at dinner and he compulsively turned his head to check on him every couple minutes.

He still thought it was stupid when they were watching cartoons a bit later and his hand found Johnny's shoulder, and the simple feeling of warmth in the palm of his hand was enough to make him feel safe.

A couple nights later, as he rolled over for the hundredth time, he started to doubt it. Would he look back? If Johnny died and Dally had the chance to bring him back to life, would he look back?

Or would force of habit be too strong? Would he want reassurance of Johnny's presence? Would he trade the possibility of the rest of his life with Johnny for the possibility of a moment longer?

He's like to think he wouldn’t. That he would force himself to soldier on and trust Johnny to follow him.

But he can't be completely sure.

He thought that after that moment at the church – when Johnny came running out the moment he heard their whistle and didn't let him get a word in before telling him how he felt, when his heart stopped beating and his throat stopped working for a moment out of pure joy – that maybe after that he could be sure that Johnny would follow him.

Or, if not the church, after the hospital, before Two-Bit and Ponyboy came around, when he’d gone to visit Johnny. Johnny said it first and all that Dally could think of as he responded was wishing they'd done this all earlier. Wishing they had more time.

"D'you follow me?"

"Where?"

Dally shifts uncomfortably. "I dunno, anywhere."

"I ain't exactly in the position to, Dal, I don't know if ya noticed." Johnny gestures towards his hospital bed-bound body with a forced smile.

"C'mon, Johnny, m'being serious."

"So am I!" Dally raises an eyebrow at him and Johnny sighs (and then fails to cover a wince). "Yeah, Dal, I'd follow ya anywhere."

Dally grins. "Careful there, Johnnycakes, wouldn't want no one thinkin' you're a queer."

He thought he would be sure that Johnny would follow him after that. But no matter how sure he was that Johnny would follow he still didn't know if he could bear to not look back.

He waited in that hospital room for a couple seconds before he gave up. Gave up on Johnny coming back. Gave up on Hades coming to offer him a deal.

A few seconds were enough for him to know it was the end.

If Hades won't come to him, he'll come to Hades.

There are sirens behind him and he picks up the pace, sparing a glance behind him.

Maybe it's to make sure the fuzz aren't too close.

Maybe it's to make sure Johnny's following.

With the first crack of a gunshot through the air, he knows he's not looking for Hades. He knows he won't get the chance to bring Johnny back.

Because even if he can't lead Johnny back to where he belongs, he can join him wherever he's going. Because Johnny didn't bother to ask it back, but Dally would follow him to the end of the Earth.

Johnny's always been a better man than Dally. He trusts him not to look back.

[jess-the-vampire]

I don't go to the Owl house fandom, but seeing them on Twitter getting their panties in a twist on Belos is funny and sad. I can understand not liking the character, for good reasons, but some of them go way to far with their hate for the character.

and like i get it to a degree, like yeah the stuff he does is deeply upsetting and people are allowed to not like him for it, but he isn't doing anything new plenty of other villians haven't done before either.

child abuse, murder and genocide are kinda common among villian characters. Cause y'know, they're considered bad things.

now perhaps belos gets special treatment because he's not as flashy as some other villians, the flashier ones are more likable to people, and ok fair enough....but the way people were handling the situation makes it sound like liking ANY character whose done bad stuff means you condone it.....which is clearly not true and is assuming a lot about said person.

So if liking any character means you condone stuff then that implies people shouldn't like horror movie villians, disney villians, ect ect and they should be just as antagonistic towards them, but i ain't seeing much of a widespread protest against them.

i mean either you apply this logic to all villians, or you're being incredibly selective on the subject......which means you don't really believe in it.

it just is so silly because villain characters have been popular since stories were popular , people enjoy villians for many reasons, ppl should not have to walk around carrying a doc to explain why they like a character who isn't morally good.

it's so bonkers too, cause ppl were comparing ppl liking belos to people who like actual legit serial killers, which are clearly not the same thing.

people are talking about philip as if he's real and did real things and it's insane.

He's a character, a fictional character.

people are allowed to do aus of him and draw stuff with him and have fun with him because he isn't REAL. I get people don't want others to take the seriousness away from him and what he represents but aus and fan content are just that, fan content, if you can't seperate fan works from real life and what's in the show itself i dunno what to say.

it feels like gatekeeping his character by trying to bully out artists who do anything outside of what you say they're allowed to do with him. Especially since based on what i saw, it's clear none of these people really know anything about the aus and fancontent in general outside of their existence.

like in most of it he STILL sucks and is the bad guy, but i guess adding any possible human aspects is too far? even tho again, he's a character? and villians have been allowed to be explored in this kinda depth for years?

hell, darth vader killed a whole ass planet and children, and many more and that sure doesn't stop the good dad aus around him and such.

the fandom is just weird with belos, like i get it, but it's gone too far tbh.

if we're just focusing on the attack agaist fan artists for him in general, ignoring the anti-Semitism stuff this evolved into, it just feels ridiculous people are making this big of a deal of people enjoying his character.

Villian fans aren't new and they're not going anywhere, if you don't wanna see their work, then fine, don't engage in it, but don't harass these people and treat them like freaks who get joy out of actual horrible things,

there are many reason to like villians that have nothing to do with that.

[atsunflower]

Rated: SFW

Author notes: *sigh* for the third time the damned app ate up the tags. This one took me too long and I'm excited for write about my man suna again. This is also pretty different from what I'm used to write, but why not? Please enjoy your reading.

Warnings: cursing, substance usage/mentions, break-ups and me trynna be funny.

I – Cancel me.

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He looked at them with expectation as the beats smoothly faded, indicating the song's ending. 

If he were to be honest, the pair before him was a pain in the ass, but their opinion was that important because, when it came to music, they were the best at it. He felt no shame nor jealousy in admitting it.

"Dunno, the hook sounds like a Vice headline ta me." The bleach-haired male said, hearring the song's outro blaring through the studio speakers.

"Isn't it a Kid Milli reference, tho?" The other asked while munching a chip. He frowned at them, not understanding their point.

"Whatever. You two are no help anyways." Hearring their bullshit, the brunette already regretted this collab. He paused the queued song, turning to the other two with a blank stare.

The twins before him snickered, knowing they successfully hit a nerve. They couldn't help it, provoking Suna was one of their favorite hobbies.

"The song is good, but I gotta tell ya this butt hurt phase of yers is pretty lame." The faux-blond opened his mouth again, spinning around the studio with the desk chair. 

"Fuck you, Atsumu" He snapped, almost giving in to the desire of decking them both on the face.

"Tsumu's right, ya Lil Peep wannabe. Can't believe this break up ended up that bad." Osamu said in mockery, throwing the empty Lay's wrapper at him. He scoffed, disposing the wrapper on the bin before getting back at the screen to look at the FL studio interface.

"It's not that I have a broken heart. I just wanna know what's wrong with my life" He shrugged, blindly tacting over the desk in search of his Juul.

"Yeah Samu, he's just grieving over those fancy ass Dior Jordans. Sunarin is incapable of mundane things like a broken heart." His blond friend was partially right.

Suna Rintaro was many things: alt model, music producer, cloud artist and a decent volleyball player that almost went pro. But if there was something he could never be, it was a lucky man on love matters.

With his fair share of failed relationships, the artist could never pinpoint when things went wrong. It would always be the same: he would meet a girl, they would have a good time and then, the chick would turn out demanding as fuck.

In the end, every single one of them would slap him across the face and leave his life banging the front door shut like crazy — last week, it was Mika who broke things off, but not before setting his limited edition pair of jordans on fire. He would never get over those sneakers.

"Good for him, those kicks were kinda ugly." Osamu said in a bored manner. Suna felt his soul leaving his body.

"The hell, Osamu?" He was ready to fight, deeply offended by the attack at his taste in fashion.

"Yo, you two." Atsumu butted in, checking something on his phone "Y'all are drifting away from our problem."

"That is?" The other brother asked.

"Cheer up Sunarin before he fucks up with the Album." If Suna had the energy, he would kick both Miyas out of his studio "And I gotta the perfect thing. Let's hang out at Akagi's tonight, he just invited us." The already distressed musician felt the soul leaving his body for the second time that afternoon. He was sure both twins wished his death.

"Not a fucking chance. Last time I went there I almost died because of that weird stuff we smoked." 

"Aw, Sunarin, Kita'll be there too." The faux-blonde tried to persuade. The mention of their older, responsible and straight edge friend made Suna look at them with interest. But he needed more, though. Based on the last experience, he didn't have the will to risk his life going to Akagi's house once again. A shiver descended his spine as the male recalled how much he threw up that night.

"Suna, man, I gotta agree with Tsumu. Yer feelings are showing in your music." Osamu said as if he was some kind of genius.

"Isn't art about it, tho?" He deadpanned "Expressing feelings and shit?" He asked, staring them dead in the eye. The males before him shivered because of its intensity. Suna snickered.

"Man says art, but most of his songs are about the Nikes on his feet and the Tesla in his garage." Atsumu mocked "What the fuck?" The blonde barely dodged the moleskine thrown at him.

"Don't chew on me when you do the same, asshat. This is called character development." As unnerving the twins were, he felt a whole lot better in their company "Just lemme produce my sad stuff in peace."

"Cut us some slack, ya dumbfuck. We're just worried about ya." Osamu protested " 'Sides, no wonder no girl sticks by yer side. You know what the chicks find sexy? Seizing the means of production, not yer dumb car."

"You two are so la—" The musician was interrupted mid sentence, startled by the blond figure clutching his phone with enthusiasm.

"Oi Samu," Atsumu's loud voice startled the other two, as he excitedly fisted the air.

"What the fuck?" Suna asked, dropping the Juul on the floor.

"She'll be there tonight." The blond said, looking at his brother with a new wave of joy.

"The fuck? She who?" The brunette frowned.

"Ya gotta go and find out, man." The gray haired twin said with a knowing smile, matching his brother's excitement.

The night out felt somewhat draining. The booze, the music and the company were great, but his lack of energy was a mood killer.

Cheer me up my ass, Suna cursed internally as he observed everyone getting wasted all over the place. He grimaced at the sight, realizing the meeting with the twins was enough social interaction for the day.

He didn't know what's gotten into him. The male knew it wasn't necessarily caused by the break up, but he couldn't help the feeling down.

Right now, life just felt lowkey suffocating. 

Being a public figure meant being under the spotlights the most of time.

People talked.

People assumed.

Media was all over him, ready to catch a scandall.

And of fucking course his name was on gossip headlines. It even occupied a spot on twitter trending topics for a day or so.

"Fuck me." He said before the lukewarm beer went down his throat.

"Sunarin!" He heard Atsumu shouting from his right "I want you to meet someone!" And only now he noticed the blond had his left arm over a girl's shoulders.

Oh, that's the one they were talking about, maybe? the brunette realized. What's the hype, tho? He asked himself, eyeing your figure.

"[Name], this is Suna. Sunarin, this is [Name], best girl ever and the mastermind behind the visuals of mine and Samu's last album" The bleach-haired male said with a proud smirk, ruffling your hair. You were obviously shy.

How cute, the brunette thought.

"Dumbass, don't embarrass me in front of others!" You nudged the Miya with your elbow "Nice to meet you, I saw your name on TMZ last week—" You said beaming and he grunted.

I take it back. Not cute at all, the man internally screamed, not ready to talk about the recent events. He didn't even want to listen to the rest of your speech, your cheery voice went through his ears in a white noise.

"And this makes me really excited for your album. The interview about the collab with dumb and dumber was lit." You continued, the words were genuine and you seemed really interested "And I also relate on a spiritual level because I know working with them is hell."

Oh, she's talking about the album. He realized in relief.

"Yo, I heard good things about you too. The design of their album was hella sick, even though they two suck ass." Suna snickered when he heard Atsumu protesting. You only left out a giggle, joining him on the teasing.

The blond kept ranting about how bad of friends the two of you were.

"I didn't introduce y'all ta gang up on me. Bye, I'm finding another company. Ya two suck." The blonde Miya said, leaving only you and Suna in the sofa area.

"Uh, so…" He drifted off, trying to start some small talk

"Yeah..." You both giggled at the awkwardness "Not enjoying the night?"

"Too much happening right now. Lots of people talking shit 'bout me." He sipped the beer, grimacing at the stale taste of the drink "Hope they cancel me already. So all this shit dies down." Suna looked away, suddenly shy for opening up to a stranger.

"You're a famous guy and the break-up wasn't that scandalous. It'll be over eventually, just beware the sneaker cult." Your amusement was comfort enough. You didn't make intrusive questions about the events and merely joked it off. He felt so worn out by the situation but, at least, your presence wasn't overbearring.

"How is it everyone knows about the jordans?" You shrugged it off, laughing at the distressed face he mocked. Sighing in relief, Suna couldn't deny how refreshing your presence was. Not to be a jerk, but usually, the girls either were all over him or judged every single move he made. You were just that easygoing.

"Well, I don't think you came here to sulk on the sofa all night long. Why don't we join them by the pool and down some shots?" You hopped off of your seat, pointing to the glass doors. All the boys were waving at you two and suddenly, Suna felt a wave of joy run down his body.

Atsumu was right. Best girl ever.

At some point of the night, everything became about you.

All he could hear was the sound of your voice and all the time, his eyes were drawn to your figure. He couldn't figure out a reason for it, but the rapper wasn't complaining either.

A sharp pang at the side of Suna's head broke the trance he was in. Osamu had a shit eating grin on his face, eyeing the ravenette with amusement.

"We told ya so." The younger twin mused whilst he handed a long neck of vodka to the other.

"Stop. This is dumb."

"Yer dumb. But you ain't that dumb ta dare ta mess with her." The gray-haired Miya squinted at him, menacingly pointing the bottle in his hand at the brunette. The latter shrugged it off, opening his drink.

"Nah, I'm good." And he meant it.

But how could he explain the situation he was in?

Lips and hands wandered over the expanse of his skin. Everything was too hot and too good at the same time. Overwhelming, even.

He wanted more, more and more. There wasn't enough of you.

And if it wasn't unfair enough, his body felt lethargic. He was desperate, but couldn't keep up with the rhythm you imposed. Be it the alcohol or the stress, his body gave up and blacked out, even before you could undress each other.

In the morning after, a pounding headache woke him up. Suna didn't dare to open his eyes, but the morning breath fanning over his face was unbearable.

"I can't believe a cutie like you have a stinky breath like this." The complaint came out in a raspy voice, accompanied by an annoyed grunt.

Someone snickered on the other side of the room.

"Man, I didn't know you had the hots fer Samu." Atsumu was somewhere across the room, laughing at him.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Hearing the other, Suna's body jolted, dizziness made his head spin in the process. He felt sick in the stomach and the morning light made his eyes sting. "When did I get back here?" The male looked around, realizing he was sprawled over Akagi's floor, right beside Osamu, who didn't even squirm at the loud voices in the room.

"What do ya mean? We never left" Atsumu frowned, uncaping a water bottle he was holding "Ya puked on Kita and passed out. The boys were too wasted ta drag yer sorry ass back home so we all crashed here." The blonde was dumbfounded, trying to figure out how wasted Suna got last night.

Suna wanted to know too. After all, there was no way the events envolving you were a product of his drunk mind.

facts:

• Suna's artist name is yosemite.

• He has a Tesla Model S because of Frank Ocean.

• He takes his Nikes very seriously.

• No, not all of his songs are about the car and the kicks.

• He and the Miya twins got a sports scholarship because of volleyball, but they dropped out of school to make music.

• The three of them created Inarizaki, the label they're making music under. Kita and Aran manage it.

• Both Miya twins are beatmakers and music producers. They recently debuted as artists and now are making a collab EP with Suna, thus Atsumu's concern about the album.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Jesse

Jac: [as you said he encouraged her to gatecrash, I figure it makes sense he'd check in on that after the posts, Amelia called JJ lol] Jesse: 👍? Jac: 🖕 Jesse: ☕? Jac: no I feel sick Jesse: [brings her a glass of water and tablets but like puts them on her bedside table and then leaves] Jac: you're just as bad Jesse: as bad as? Jac: her Jac: don't try be nice Jesse: 🖕 Jesse: Alright? Jac: 🙄 Jac: no that was so halfhearted Jesse: it weren't only you who had a late one Jac: then don't bother Jesse: nice try, dickhead Jac: ask mum and dad Jac: i'm not in a gossiping mood Jesse: the walls ain't that thick Jac: just your head Jac: gotcha Jesse: Must be a family thing you inherited as well as Jac: if I can blame all of you Jac: fine by me Jesse: crack on Jesse: I hope it makes you feel loads better Jac: your fake sympathy is only marginally better than your real but solid attempt Jesse: you didn't want tea, they go together Jac: hence I declined Jac: don't feel sorry for me, twat Jesse: I don't Jesse: Amelia on the other hand Jac: you can go commiserate with her then Jac: she needs some new gay friends Jesse: I don't fit the bill then and she don't wanna hear from me how shit her girlfriend is Jac: She's well aware, don't worry Jac: beat you to it Jesse: Yeah, the comments tell the story, like Jesse: and a 📷's worth loads of words Jac: it was meant to be blatant Jac: no 🍪 for working it out Jesse: just 🏆🥇 for you Jac: naturally Jac: why else would I go Jesse: 'Cause you miss her Jesse: you were mates and it was her birthday Jesse: Dunno, there's 2 💡s Jac: Ha Jac: you ask her how much love she's feeling now Jac: I wanted her to have a shit time and she did, mission accomplished Jesse: You're alright, tah, that's blatant an' all Jac: yeah, no need to act like you're that thick now you ain't in the dark Jesse: nah, the act's all yours Jesse: I'll leave it out Jac: yeah, I'm acting like a cunt, I'm a really, really nice person actually Jac: literally as bad as her Jesse: We're all wrong and you're right Jesse: 🏆🥇 Jac: no shit Jac: gotta suck Jesse: I'll live Jac: thrilled for you, Jess Jesse: 👍 Jesse: Good talk Jac: the fact you expected anything else is on you Jac: you go apologize to her, you'll feel better Jesse: It was her who fought your battles for you, nowt to do with me Jac: you told me to go Jesse: To make up with her, you twat Jac: and why did you think I'd ever do that? Jac: what kind of fucking fantasy land are you living in Jesse: I thought she might get through to you Jesse: that kinda fantasy land Jac: 😂 Jesse: it ain't much of a laugh but alright Jac: not to you Jesse: you ain't laughing either Jac: I can if you want Jac: rather I was crying but nah Jesse: Piss off, your vocal chords don't work any more Jac: So? Jac: that's got fuck all to do with missing Amelia, I'm so sorry Jesse: Never said it did Jac: you thought it did Jac: as fucking if Jesse: I thought she could help you, nowt else Jesse: giving her too much credit Jac: unlucky Jesse: 💔 Jac: I don't need any help Jac: and you should give the fuck up Jesse: I don't play 🎻 Jesse: you might as well shut up Jac: I already have, dipshit Jesse: Stop typing playground insults at me then Jac: Go away then Jac: you've achieved nothing, and you're not going to Jesse: You're a shit 👻 Jesse: next time throw something Jac: I've got what I needed from the situation Jesse: 👌 Jac: is Jude here or what Jesse: do you hear her? Jac: its the middle of the night Jac: morning Jesse: it's the afternoon near enough Jac: can I go to bed or not Jesse: she's at a mates Jac: thank god Jesse: might be back in a bit, like I said, it ain't as early as you think Jac: if I knock myself out she won't be able to speak to me Jesse: you won't be able to answer, she can still go on about whatever she likes Jac: I won't hear her, same difference Jesse: same as when you're awake, yeah Jac: no, unfortunately I can still hear her Jesse: Gutted Jac: no shit Jesse: Try 🎧 Jac: I don't like music Jesse: don't listen to any then Jesse: other media exists Jac: I don't like any of that either Jesse: 🙄 Jac: you'll survive Jesse: Nobody likes the news, stick it on to drown her out and get over it Jac: I have no interest in feeling better Jac: at least she's good for that Jesse: Bit rude Jac: it's a compliment Jac: she has fuck all else use Jesse: Bollocks is it Jesse: you've got less use, at least she walks the 🐕🐕🐕 Jac: I clearly don't care about being of any use to any of you Jac: it's all about what you can do for me, which is very little but make my crippling depression much worse Jesse: achieved that then ✔ Jac: hooray Jesse: 🥳 Jac: you missed it Jesse: had one I was actually invited to go to Jac: wow, that's so impressive Jac: would you like me to pretend I'm jealous? Jesse: pretend what you like Jac: so generous Jesse: pat on the back'll be in the post Jac: I got better by myself with her girlfriend, tah Jesse: I can't pretend there's owt impressive about that, soz Jesse: get your 🏆🥇 off her if you're bothered Jac: as if I did it for the brag Jesse: she will have done Jac: give a fuck what she does or doesn't Jesse: I got that Jac: so what's your fucking point Jesse: you either wanna talk or you don't Jesse: I give a fuck about Valentina Jesse: I know exactly what she's like Jac: yeah, I don't fucking fancy her, it's not me you need or needed to tell Jac: she's clearly a slag Jesse: I don't need to tell Amelia either Jesse: everyone knows she collects queers Jesse: she's been trying to be mates with me for years Jac: not now Jac: too late Jesse: Time was already running out for them, no need Jesse: been obvious from day 1 Jac: yeah and I'm a shit friend Jesse: she ain't mine Jac: she's not mine Jesse: not now Jac: not for ages Jac: if ever Jac: so you're just a cunt for no reason Jesse: how am I? Jac: you knew and you didn't say shit Jac: even though you've got no reason to fuck with her life Jac: so, you're a cunt Jesse: she knew and she'd have still called it bollocks if I said anything Jesse: it's her life Jac: yeah, sure Jesse: yeah, she had her reasons, must've done Jac: mhmm, tell yourself that Jesse: you're the only person she's ever properly listened to, but go on and tell yourself it's my fault Jac: I know what I did, tah Jesse: and the only head you're doing in with going on about it is yours Jac: you think I care? Jesse: you do, it ain't about what I think Jac: I really don't Jac: it's what she was owed, simple as Jesse: she had something you cared enough about to need to fuck with Jesse: if you didn't give a fuck you wouldn't bother about what she was or wasn't owed Jesse: nowt would matter like you keep telling yourself it don't Jac: all I care about is everything being as shit as possible Jac: and pushing you all far away Jac: I've never said that wasn't the case but yeah, go off with your pseudo-psych Jesse: and all you did was push her onto the end of a phone with mum and dad, well done Jesse: closer that she was before, that Jac: yeah and? Jac: they can chat all they fucking please I don't have to join in Jesse: and don't come to me chuffed to bits with yourself when you've got no reason to be Jesse: there's the and Jac: awh Jac: you got woke up Jac: weren't me shouting Jesse: Never is Jac: well observed Jesse: I ain't in enough of a mard about the wake up call for you to get your only joy out of it, soz like Jac: whatever shall I do Jac: 💔 Jesse: Kettle's always on round here Jac: Hilarious Jesse: you'll have to get it yourself Jesse: doubly 💔 I know Jac: I don't like tea Jac: and I'm certainly not making any of you a cup Jesse: I ain't asking for one, I've got work Jac: how fun Jesse: 👋 Jac: enjoy Jesse: 🤞 Jac: try not to wake me when you get back Jesse: Got nothing to shout about Jac: gutted Jesse: won't be you getting the 🎻s out Jac: yeah, you can't play it Jesse: and I'm alright for learning any more instruments at the minute Jac: lazy Jesse: it's loud enough around here Jac: take that up with the rest Jac: they don't take pointed silence as a fucking hint Jesse: worked that out by myself, tah Jesse: have lived here long as you Jac: not quite Jesse: good as Jac: those 10 months without you were the best of my life Jesse: keep them close to your 🖤 Jesse: nowt I can do about it Jac: can't retroactively give dad a vasectomy Jesse: 💔 Jac: so sad Jesse: I got that Jac: good Jac: it's not all for nothing Jesse: 👍 Jac: can't we swap rooms Jesse: if you want Jac: really? Jac: her shit is everywhere Jesse: Don't matter Jac: i'm going sleep in your bed then Jesse: yours Jesse: that's what a swap is Jac: yes but i'm not moving the beds right now Jesse: Alright Jac: tell everyone you said its fine Jesse: weren't gonna keep it a secret Jac: Jameson and Jude will be pissed off Jesse: and? Jac: I don't wanna be rudely awoken Jac: we need a bigger house Jesse: my job don't pay that well Jac: two more years Jesse: ✔ Jac: that was an affirmation for me, not you Jesse: say it in your head then Jac: you either want me to talk or not dickhead Jesse: whinging weren't part of the deal, dickhead Jac: that's the only way you talk Jac: or singing, as you call it Jesse: SO funny, you Jac: just honest Jesse: honestly, go to bed Jac: I can't Jesse: ? Jac: too much on my mind Jesse: Yeah Jac: and I'm pretty wired Jac: I'm gonna go study Jesse: I'm out the door but you can come with Jesse: study there Jac: people will think I work there Jac: then you'll get terrible reviews Jesse: not if you stay in the back Jesse: it's well quiet there too Jac: does Ben come in lots still? Jac: Ben from Science, the one you sit next to Jesse: What's lots? Jesse: he comes in Jac: will he come in today? Jesse: I can text him Jac: that's lame Jac: I'll take a selfie Jac: he'll show Jesse: 👌 Jac: right, I'll be there later Jac: I need to re-do my makeup Jesse: in a bit then Jac: should I shower Jesse: Probably Jac: he's not worth it Jac: more probably messy is his type Jesse: so there's your answer Jac: fuck it Jac: keep the smudged mascara Jesse: 🥇💡? Jac: if not Ben it'll work on the other guys there Jesse: Steady on Jac: what? Jesse: You know what Jac: no Jesse: Yeah you do Jac: I can do what I want Jesse: you don't want this Jac: yes I literally do Jesse: Fuck's sake Jac: shut up Jesse: You can not talk to Ben or whoever Jesse: you can't shut me up Jac: don't be a baby about it Jesse: Don't do it Jac: are you always this much of a downer, jesus Jesse: I'll chuck you out Jac: then I'll just go somewhere else and hook up with someone else Jesse: You're such a prick Jac: its literally none of your business so Jesse: you made it my business when you told me about it Jac: whatever Jac: I'm gonna hit up someone else Jesse: Don't whatever me or this Jac: you can't do anything Jesse: You're still there and I ain't far off, I'll come back Jac: oh really Jac: you're gonna shut me in my room on the grounds of hoeing are you Jesse: If you make me Jac: you're funny Jesse: I don't give a fuck, Jac, alright? Jesse: Stop Jac: No Jesse: stop Jac: Why? Jesse: just stop Jac: No Jac: this is what I need to do Jesse: Bollocks Jesse: you need to stop Jac: nope Jac: its the last step of the plan Jesse: [he's coming back for this showdown, soz Pete because he blatantly works at your record store cafe moment] Jac: [whos bed you in that's a fun game of hide and seek] Jesse: [he's a woman don't test him, also soz Jameson and Cammie if you're here] Jac: [ah the drama, gonna have to fight your brother] Jesse: [such fun] Jac: [I hope JJ are there to break this up it must be the weekend so fingers crossed lmao] Jesse: [one of them should get hurt accidentally before they do because what a mood and also they'd be fuming] Jac: [who would you rather] Jesse: [I don't mind either way, could make a case for either so] Jac: [probably him for the angst and she's not in the mindset to be remotely careful like we're just trying to get out so if he tries to stop us we're going in] Jesse: [he is a soft boy like his father so that makes sense, JJ gonna be like wtf because they are the closest of these siblings have they ever even fought before probably not] Jac: [oh the drama, get the gal in therapy but she won't lol] Jesse: [storm off to work boy like you're remotely in the right mindset to be there] Jac: [can't even tracy apologize Jesse: [Jude will be gutted she missed this drama] Jac: [aren't we all]

[angel-dust-addict]

"Yeah," he answered slowly when Blitz asked about sitting outside the bathroom. "Yeah, I guess that'd be okay. But ya gotta stay out here."

That was his stipulation where this was concerned. He didn't take the offered arm, pulling his knees in as much as he could without squashing Nuggets. "I don't got much ta talk about, but I can sing. I write most'a my own music fa' my shows. That's one'a tha otha' things I've managed ta get Val ta let me do. I write most'a my own songs an' I do most'a my own choreography. 'A course, Val always nit-picks it half ta death before he lets me pahform it, but I still get ta do my own shit fa' tha most part."

He listened quietly as Blitz and Stolas talked about subdrop and trauma and withdrawals and all the things they were determined he was going through. He had to admit, some of it did make sense. When they both fell silent, he stayed quiet for a moment, just looking down at his knees. His voice, when he spoke, was quiet and slightly pained. There was nothing of the faint joy that had crept into his tone as he talked about writing his own music and choreography.

"I get what'cher sayin', but dere're a few things ya gotta undahstand. I been doin' this a long fuckin' time. I been a whore fa' eighty-six years. Tha kinky shit, yeah, that's newa'. But not as new as ya probably thinkin'. That's probably... dunno. Forty, fifty years, maybe? Just about as long as I been doin' these fuckin' films. Think more like fourty-somthin'. 'Least, dat's as long as they been callin' it 'kink' or 'BDSM' or whateva'. Trust me, it ain't new. It ain't new as a concept an' it sure as fuck ain't new ta me.

"An' look, I'll be honest wit'cha. I been usin' fa' about as long as I been turnin' tricks. That started way before tha films. Barely anybody had a tv when I started usin'. Dunno how much human history ya know, but dat'll give ya an idea if ya do know. Ya really think I could'a gotten through eighty-six fuckin' years'a this shit soba'? Nah. Fuck that.

"Like I told tha prince, ya gonna have shit happen. Ya gonna get johns wantin' shit ya ain't comfortable with. An' ya gonna have johns who won't take no fa' an answa'. It's just a fact'a life. Yer a fuckin' whore, who cares? Fuckin' nobody, that's who. Fa' as most people're concerned, yer askin' fer it. An' it ain't like yer fuckin' pimp's gonna give a shit. It happens. An' when it does, ya gotta get'cher shit tagetha' - howeva' ya gotta do that - an' then ya move tha fuck on. It ain't gonna be every one of 'em, but yer gonna get dose johns who try'n pull shit. An' if ya let dat get tha best'a ya, ya gonna starve real fuckin' quick. Learned that - all'a that - real early on. At least wit' tha films I know what I'm walkin' into. Ya just gotta shake it off an' move on.

"I get'cher worried, an' it's real sweet'a ya. An' I get ya both got some experience wit' most of it. But ya don't need ta worry about me. I've been doin' this alone fa' a long fuckin' time. Longa' than eithah'a ya's been around. Longa' than both'a yer lifetimes combined, I'd bet. So I'm used ta this. I know what I need an' I know how ta deal wit' it. An' even tha last thirty-somethin' years since I met Cherri, I don't drag her down wit' all my shit. Yeah, when things're real bad, I'll go ta her. But she's actually got some good shit goin' on an' I ain't gonna drag her down wit' me. Point is, I know how ta deal wit' it. An' I been doin' it long enough I'm familia' wit' all'a tha bad shit dat could happen. Most'a tha little things've probably all happened at some point. Tha fatigue an' tha cryin' spells an' tha feelin' like it ain't worth goin' on. Trust me, I know all'a that shit. It ain't news ta me. Didn't have a word fa' some of it, but it ain't new. So ya don't gotta worry so much. This ain't my first time dealin' wit' dis shit."

He hadn't looked up at him the entire time he was speaking. By the end of what he had to say, he sounded fatigued in a way no amount of sleep was going to fix. Nuggets was snuffling at the fluff visable above the neckline of Angel's sweater. Angel himself, however, seemed a bit despondent. His gaze was still fixed on his knees as he waited. What he was waiting for, he wasn't sure. But he was waiting for something.

Oh, that was.... more than a little surprising, but ok, sure, that was fine, Blitz certainly had his own weird hang-ups after all...

"That's fine, I promise I won't look- not now, not ever," Blitz promised softly

"If you'd feel better about it, then I can just sit outside the door and you can talk or sing so I know you're ok, leave the door unlocked though, in case anything happens,"

"I know you must think this is all incredibly excessive," Stolas added softly, deciding that perhaps- being newer to good BDSM himself- he would be able to help Angel understand where Blitz was coming from

"I know when Blitzy and I were first starting our relationship, many of the things he insisted upon with aftercare I also felt were needlessly overprotective, but one day we were having a bath and.... out of nowhere I just fell asleep,, I know drowning wouldn't have killed me but it wouldn't have been pleasant, and Blitz made sure that that didn't happen to me, then another time we were making something to eat, he stepped away for a moment and although I had been feeling fine before I just... started to drop out of nowhere.... I know it sounds dramatic but Blitz really does know his stuff when it comes to safety, atleast with sexual matters," personal safety at work was another matter entirely

And just the fact that Angel had to ask what subdrop was spoke as a testament to the fact that Blitz knew better than he did when it came to these matters

"More or less," Blitz noted slowly, moving a little closer- still taking care not to make any sudden motions, but trying to offer a comforting arm if Angel wanted it

"You know why people like BDSM? I mean, outside of the 'it feels good' or 'it turns you on' type'a answer- it's hormones, the same kinda hormones that make you feel good when you get high, when you're involved in a scene you release those hormones- endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin, all that shit,"

For a moment, Blitz paused, just thankfull Stolas had taught him all of that months ago, it made it so much easier to explain to Angel...

"When you're coming down from being high, all of those hormones crash, that's what makes you feel like shit- so doesn't it stand to reason that if those exact same hormones are getting pumped up when you're subbing, that when they stop being pumped up, you'll crash and feel like shit? The difference here is that with drugs, I don't... think there's a way to make withdrawls suck less, but with BDSM, there totally is- that's what aftercare is for, so that instead of crashing, you slowly bring your hormone levels back down to the resting rate, think of it like.... you get to get high but without the crash later, you can be drunk without the hangover, but that's why- well, one of the reasons why- BDSM safety is goddamn important, and when you don't have proper aftercare you go into subdrop- think of it like sub-withdrawls, it's the same thing, and that can be dangerous- mentally, physically, especially emotionally.... and subdrop- even in the best of circumstances, can abso-fucking-LUTELY count as trauma all on it's goddamn own, because here's the thing- your brain can't distinguish between 'real' trauma and 'manufactured' trauma, sure, you know consciously that you're sitting comfortably here with us and you're not in any danger- atleast I hope you know that consciously- but the part of your brain that's having a hormonal rager right now doesn't and it's like 'oh shit we're going down a dark alley without pepper spray, this ain't gonna end well', and it's producing all the signals that would typically deal with that kinda situation- like paranoia and depression and anxiety and all kinds of other shit,"

Pausing, Blitz exhaled, rubbing his face for a moment in contemplation

"Look, I know I don't... you don't have... any reason to listen to me, I know that, but I've been through subdrop, and I've been through withdrawls, and I've been through Domdrop too- wich is a fucking thing and sucks just as badly and is just as dangerous- and Performer's Crash- wich, yes, like you said, I've been in showbiz, I know what it's like to feel shitty and weird when you get off the stage, 'cause guess what your brain produces when you're a performer and doing a show? Yep, it's the same goddamn shit it produces when you're high or in a scene, that's why after parties are a thing in the first place, to bring you down from your high slower and less dangerously, but most people don't know that and so alot of performers get high after a show because they're going into a crash- that's how I started using drugs, and let me tell ya' somethin', you think it feels nasty to be like, a musician or a comedian or some shit and drop after a show? I used to be a fucking acrobat when I first started using, nothin's gonna put the fear in your dick like getting wobbly and spacey ten stories off the ground and swinging on a goddamn rope,"

Blitz had loved his time at the circus, he had loved performing, but those crashes.... they made him do so many stupid fucking things just trying to get away from the drop, drugs were just the tip of the iceberg....

"I promise, I'm not gonna force myself on you- like... besides sex, I mean in any way, but....you need somebody to look after you, and you have been through trauma, any kind of non-consensual sex is trauma, any kind of abuse is trauma, and like I said before, even if you were totally gung-ho for this thing- wich you weren't- just going through subdrop on it's own can be very traumatic, can you believe me when I say this from personal experience? Pretty please?"