#it sucked growing up feeling alone about being nonhuman

[interstellarsystem]

We bought our little sister a plushie of her theriotype yesterday and honestly? Best reaction ever. She took a few seconds to process before lighting up with pure joy and just yelled "THAT'S MY THERIOTYPE" and hugged us and the plushie. It's a unique type of joy, I think. And maybe one of the first acknowledgements of her identity she's gotten in the physical world. We're happy we can be there to support her while she figures all this stuff out.

[libarygoldfish]

Dead until you awake - Hamilton fanfiction, Ghost AU (Chapter 1 )

Author :

I really want to post this fic somewhere and have it back up on some part of the internet. This is a collaboration between me and my dear friend Trinnie. I love it with all my heart. So please don't insult our work if you somehow found it and read it.

Rating:

Warning: Major character death, graphic violence

Category: M/M, F/M, Multi

Fandom: Hamilton (Lin Manuel Miranda)

Characters: Alexander Hamilton, Charles Lee (Li), Ling Li,

Relationship: Alexander Hamilton & Charles Lee (Li), Karin Simons (OC)/ Charles Lee (mention/post)

Additional tag: suicidal character, drug use, accident, embarrassing violation of privacy, parental issues, college failure, teenage pregnancy, attachment issues, etc

Chapter 1 :

Alex raises a middle finger to the man who drove him and his wet carton boxes to his new accommodation. It was a makeman following orders from Mr. Schuyler, helping Alex one final time before closing all his doors to the Schuyler family. Great. Another way to rub it in his face that he was never part of it anyway.

He looks at the small townhouse with its yellowing front yard and spider-webbed windows with a sigh. It is unbelievably cheap and strangely free of any negative feedback. Once Alex thought he had seen somebody said the place was haunted, but then the comment was deleted within an hour. Seems like the website has a good filter with spam content then.

He knows for sure he’d feel very alone in it. Such a big home for no one but him. Alex normally would get angry at this moment, angry at Eliza’s impassive expression and the way she gladly turned from him with a hand on her slightly swollen stomach. He’d get angry if he has the energy for it.

But he doesn’t. Everything is taken away from him: his education, his job, his girlfriend, his child growing in her stomach, and now his anger. His life is a spilled glass of water. And he wants to break the glass.

The floor squeaks when Alex starts carrying in his boxes. As if there is a second pair of feet walking with him but Alex pays no attention. He observes the heavily hanging webs across the furniture and upper corners, almost like thin veils of invisible brides. It’s a nice place to die, nobody will probably find him for a long time.

He wonders if the bottle of bromethalin rodenticide will be painful once Alex gathers enough courage to use it.

He enters the bathroom and is happy to see the taps still work. But the old water leaks a color brown and he leaves it open until it looks safe enough. The bedroom seems to be less dirty other than a few webs scattered on top of the neatly made blanket covering the bed. He simply flings it to the floor and lies down, closing his eyes for sleep to naturally come and claim his idle, unenergetic body.

Ten years, this is his 10th year stuck in this awkward position. He hasn’t get out of this haunted house since 2008. Everything seems to get bigger and fancier over this decade, but he’s still that 21 years old Charles Lee. He thinks while remembering what it was like when this new kid moved in a week ago.

People who rented this house would always move out before their one year contract reached an end. They would curse at the owner through texts, trying to leave a comment on their website, or even collecting evidence about him. They have never succeeded to get any attention, you can see their plans fall apart by those new ones filling into their empty spots. Nobody knew that being noticed was harder than they imagined.

Take this new roommate he has as the example. This ponytail-teen seems to be ignoring his present from the very first second. This boy, whose name clearly is Alex based on his email account and how most of his friend address him in that flat-touchable phone. “ Alex” hadn’t even seemed to notice he have a ghost roommate. No matter how much noises and signs he makes with every part of the house.

Shaking window? Alex simply gives it a glare before he continues his meaningless small paragraphs ( who even would spend that much of the time to debating on a website that you can only type 140 words ? ).

Disrupting the signal so that the youtube site would play a video which screams out his name? His emotionless new roommate only texted what happened to a guy named John.

Not even with his best trick that makes everyone “ realized” they have a nonhuman roommate. Alex, or more correctly, one of the worst roommate he ever had in this house ( Burr won the worst place easily, but this guy feels worse than him in a way). Charles can’t believe he just wiped those words off without a flinch, those words he spent hours and precious energies on… what a monster he is facing here.

And a monster deserves to be treated like one, he has to use that forbidden way to communicate with Alex.That way he hadn’t had a chance to do since 2009.

“Hi, Alex, I’m your ghost roommate Charles Lee. Can you please pay more attention to the fact You HAVE a roommate and he’s NOT a human? How can you possibly ignore every sign I gave you? Anyway, please stop ignoring my present cause I… really need your help on something important... please stop pretending you saw nothing, or I will keep typing on your thin computer and that flat-touchable phone. ”

He types down everything he wants to shout into Alex’s face while the boy is writing another long paragraph about something he doesn’t give a fuck. All he needs is this asshole to notice him, and at least do something about it.

Honestly? Comment section fighting is now the only thing that keeps Alex alive. It’s small and unexpected, but Alex had nothing else to look forward to when he goes to bed every day. It drags him out of bed, although he only changes places by sitting on the dusty desk. Still, progress is progress. Even if it’s tiny and insignificant.

Alex hasn’t even cleaned the place ever since he came here. If he’s going to die very soon, why bother cleaning it? He remembers he once was the most hard-working employee and what did it cause him? His education. Maybe his sanity is also out of the question. Which is why he’s seeing the pointer blinking and blinking as the keyboard types on its own. Alex raises his hands away but the stream of words continues nonetheless.

“Hi, Alex, I’m your ghost roommate Charles Lee. Can you please pay more attention to the fact You HAVE a roommate and he’s NOT a human? How can you possibly ignore every sign I gave you? Anyway, please stop ignoring my present cause I… really need your help on something important... please stop pretending you saw nothing, or I will keep typing on your thin computer-“

Interesting. But this says nothing. Alex thinks this website has such an interesting AI to respond to him. He thought AI’s would never admit they’re not human. Unless they have come up with a roleplaying model, then that’s very understandable. He decides to give it a try.

He simply types back. “Why should I pay attention to this non-human roommate? If he’s staying, isn’t he obliged to split the ownership payment with me?”

“Why should I pay attention to this non-human roommate? If he’s staying, isn’t he obliged to split the ownership payment with me?”

Can a human be more… insensitive about what just happened to him? On his computer? Charles Lee is certain that he made those keyboards typed themselves in a normal human’s eyes. Are the technologies really that advance right now? But things are still going by his plan, this one is still communicating with him.

He dislikes how this new human has no respect or fears toward him...but he remembers how great a human interaction felt like, and how much does he miss it.

So he continues sucking up battery power from Alex’s strange computer while writing down his reply to explain the situation. Jokingly trying to convince his new roommate why he doesn’t need to pay the rent.

“Are you really asking why a ghost doesn’t need to pay rent? …

Here’s why I don’t need to pay anything. First, I don’t need any place to do anything I need to. For example, I’m sitting in the same spot you are now, in a thick layer of dirty blankets. do you feel my weight or anything on you? No? great. See my point?

Second, this is MY house. Well, technically my grandma’s now, cause I leave it to her after I became a ghost.

… Should I start proving I’m a real ghost now like those weird comedy movies? “

He crosses his leg after he finished the reply, saving some additional energy he got from touching/possessing Alex’s device. Today seems to be a bit, no, so much fresher than these ten years (not physically, of course, his house is still dusty like a winter storm). To have another person to truly communicating with is… unbelievably happy. Not like he doesn’t enjoy alone time and watching others living their own lives. He’s dead, he shouldn’t have any desire to be and live like other humans. He should be moving on from this.

He won’t be one of those people who can’t move on.

Alex blinks. It’s a bit harder to tell if this is an AI that hacks into his computer or not. But then he remembers the writing on his mirror. The way his video game specifically chanted over and over in a demonic tone.

Definitely a ghost then.

“Are you a ghost of a Revolutionary general?” Alex now asks aloud. He tries not to feel stupid. But then he’s seeing a blurry silhouette, the glitchy motion around this figure.

Could it be that the more he believes in this being, the more of it he would see? Alex recalls the theory from an old movie he saw.

He opens up a Word document and types in.

“How did you die? Why didn’t you go to the afterlife? Is there an afterlife at all?”

[Fin-fucking-nally!] Charles shout out after hearing Alex’s questions. Feeling terribly happy about his new roommate’s recognition of his identity. He starts typing out his replies after calming down from that shouldn't be existed excitement.

“ That would be cool and sad if I’m from the 18th centuries. But no, I’m just a regular college fuck-up from 10 years ago. “

He can't help but imagines how terrible would it be if he's here since 1776, that kind of ghost is definitely one that can’t move one, 10 years isn't that long when compared to centuries of existence.

He continues typing in his reply after thinking about them for a few minutes.

There’s nobody to tell him can he tell a human that or not… But since this isn't a classic horror film interaction, why not telling him about it? Not like it and privacy matters that much anymore.

“ Wow wow, slow down my dude, that's some... long-story-short questions you just asked. But before I answer any of those, I need to know would you help me out or not first, a simple yes or no. Because, you know, those questions are awfully personally to a ghost, to a stuck one like me.

Alex shakes himself awake at that reply. It’s been a week since he moved in and Alex hasn’t gone outside at all; he didn’t eat much and is still counting on the fridge stock. He hasn’t interacted with anyone, which may have caused him to forget very basic manners. He forgot he has just asked someone, a former human, how they died.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to offend you. What do you mean by “help out”? What will this help entail? I pretty much have nothing to do for now so time’s not a concern.”

Alex smiles bitterly at his own reply. Time was something he never had before. He enrolled in college with an unbelievable amount of financial aid, his name too innocuous for filtering. After that, he learned that uni had never been the highschool endgame, the movie ending he imagined. No, it was a storm of progress.

He balanced between study with finding enough dough to feed himself. It went well until Alex was wrought with illness after spending 14 hours a day outdoors in January running errands. He lost precious time for his work, his study and was brought into the care of one Eliza Schuyler. She was doing Meds but helped out her Nursery friend who couldn’t attend her practicals. Eliza was drawn to his hard work and scathing humor, the way his speech naturally flaunts.

She just didn’t know that the downsides to him were sleepless nights, a frayed mind and a man desperate to rise above his station.

She realized too late when her belly swelled and she had to hide from her sisters by staying over at his place 24/7. The nights she couldn’t sleep with his desk lamp on and the cackling of his keyboard, her feet aching which prevented her from seeking relief from the morning sickness. The way Alex tried to do work from home to tend for her needs went underappreciated. They were sketched in different shades of pencil gray, smudged in terrible condition. Both missing schools, both not working enough to sustain themselves and both miserable. Both failing uni and there was no salvation but to retake the year. Scholarship ripped away from Alex and his chance of regaining a similar one is a number with many zeros behind a dot.

One of them had a family to fall onto, the other did not. And he would never do. And he will soon make a child fatherless with the bromethalin waiting in his bag like a ticking time bomb.

He stands up from his former position, taking few steps to face that kid who smiles bitterer than how he should in his age. Not like he’s that much older than him, but he knows what other kids look like at his age, at least how they look like at 2008. Replying him further with a sarcastic tone between his sentence doesn’t sound like a good option at this moment. Charles decides to write his answer with a different kind of tone he was planning to use.

“ Non taken, it was good enough that you are curious than furiously trying to kick me out…”

He remembers the first few families who seem to care about him at first. Our little girl has an imaginary best friend, they said. How cute, he like a dog just like her, they awed. He wants her to let him be IN her body, they screamed. Totally ignored is the reason behind his intention to possess her, only looked into the things that conquered over their minds. Most humans who didn’t get scared treated him like a pest. forgetting who is the real owner and who’s the new *guest*.

“ ...that help relates to my afterlife. To answer your one of your question, Yes, the afterlife does exist. Even though I haven’t been to my own afterlife yet. But I can feel it... like that company you always want to get in, but you just not qualified... ANYWAY. I, clearly still stuck in between. This means I still haven’t moved on, I still have regrets I NEED to fulfilled… I know we just start to know each other for couples minutes, it’s fine if you don’t want to help me at all. “

He tries to look Alex in the eyes, saying out the help he needs while typing it down.

“ Can I… Possess you? And maybe borrow your thin-Computer for a day. I just need to find her, I mean, finish that things I can’t leave behind … I won’t overdo it, of course, even I know too much possession can kill a human. “

Alex blinks and rereads. Blinks some more. Traces the line with his finger. So his battery level has decreased almost by half. He quickly imagines how being killed by this will be like; probably feeling drained and tired until you suddenly drop dead like a shut-down PC.

So it’ll be a sort of death in your sleep kind of way...suddenly the bromethalin seems a tad ridiculous. Alex’s having an easy way out, and it comes unexpectedly almost like everything else in his life.

“So..Charles? Why are you asking for permission? Did you almost kill someone when you tried to possess them?” He asks to find out if there’s really a guarantee of death should this possession business be real.

“ Well, it’s a tradition. A routine we need to follow if we need to possess a living thing. Like… inviting a vampire into your house? “

Charles types back with a sense of relief but misunderstands Alex’s reaction to his response. He only catches his reaction of him touching the decreasing battery level.

“To be honest, I have never really possessed a person more than an hour before. I heard about how possession kills a health human though. And killing someone with this… unfortunately *power* isn’t my intention.”

He lies down on the ground, pretending he can feel those dust on the floor again. Like what he used to do when he wanted to avoid his parents’ meeting. Sleeping on the cold floor with AC running whole night always made him sick enough to not seeing anyone, but still able to do his works.

Alex for a moment cannot see the blurry figure anymore and panics a bit. He hasn’t seen it lying down.

“Wait? Where are you?” He calls. “I’m curious, how do you know you are poss- how do you know you have successfully possessed someone?”

“And how will possessed death be like, I wonder? Is it like brain dead or stop-breathing-dead?”

“ I'm on the ground buddy. Already missing me without even seeing me clearly?”

He didn’t get up from the ground but stay in the same position, typing out his answer with his head this time. One of the few good things about being a ghost, you can type with your mind. Which lower the rated battery dies out, but still takes a lot of battery power out fast.

“I’m glad you are getting serious now, cause your computer is dying faster than I thought. Well, I would be able to control your physically. Kinda like your 2nd personality in some way, you would still be able to interact with me internally??

…and the ...um, death? It would be like a brain dead situation. I would be slowly draining your brain, human’s natural energy source, where we have most of the electric signals going on. That’s probably an important reason why a ghost need consent to possess anyone. We are basically slowly sucking up your life juice. “

“...how can I trust you to control me?” Alex asks, shuddering. This sounds like an out-of-control situation and that’s something unacceptable for Alex. No way. Not after the downward spiral he and Eliza were helpless to escape.

“Can’t you do what you’re doing now? Like…” Alex looks to the ground, not seeing the blurry figure very well so he pins his gaze onto a particular spot. “Like...not be in my body but still using my life force?”

John’d criticize him for his need to control everything. But Alex thinks once you’ve reached such a low point as now, your complex is of the least concern.

He wonders if Charles needs to keep his ghostly state a secret.

“Well, that’s not how human possession works, unfortunately.“

He replies to Alex with a smirk on his face, chuckles lightly from how easy human imagines possession would be. Why would he be controlling those machines than humans when humans are so much more efficient?

“ I figured out that we can only control lifeless subjects distantly, but not any lives who have a thought. Do you know I even have to negotiate with a bird if I want to possess it? Yes, I tried E V E R Y T H I N G . “ And he can’t understand any of their words no matter how hard he tried.

“And I’m only a regular ghost who barely managed to keep my energy wave together, forcing a living being to be fully under my control… would possibly break me apart. So yeah, you totally don’t need to worry about me doing anything you don’t want. I would be like your subpersonality, who doesn’t have enough power to push you away from the spotlight? “

For a moment, Alex isn’t going to take the risk. But then he sees himself in the phrase “tried E V E R Y T H I N G” and does a double-take. He knows very well the feeling of having done everything and still ends up alone. Defeated. A failure.

That feeling of loneliness, helplessness and trapped is what he sees in this ghost friend. He has nothing to lose. And even if he dies from this, maybe Charles can take over his body. And live a better life than him.

It’s a win-win.

“You’ve got yourself a deal. How do I give consent?” Alex asks into thin air.

Charles can't hide his smile when Alex really agree with this … Is he truly going to give his consent to use his body? Dear god, I promise I won’t kill this innocent kid and use his body as little as possible.

“OMG, you are giving me your consent ?! ...Here, repeat this sentence after me till you can see me laying on...no, sitting on the ground with my favorite sweater. “

He sits up and tries to make himself looks less messy, someone is going to look at him clearly with giving him consent. At least Alex would see a ghost with a fixed hair. A good first expression would probably make their face to face interaction less awkward.

“ repeat after this till you see me: I, Alex (your full name), agree to let Charles Lee possess me at my free will. Not because of outside force or threat by the ghost who is going to take control of my body temporarily.”

“If something goes wrong...Nah, I mean, who is there to miss.” Alex chuckles carefreely and repeats the phrase written on his screen.

“I, Alexander Hamilton, agree to let Charles Lee possess me at my free will. Not because of outside forces or threat by the ghost…” A drop of sweat trails down the side of his face. Alex is really reaching the end of this sentence. He has forgotten what it feels like for his heart to beat this fast, for him to feel the liveliness of expectation, “who is going to take control of my body temporarily.”

He shuts his eyes.

A connection suddenly appears right after Alex finishes his sentence. Charles can take control of Alex’s body without any barrier now. But he wants to wait till he finally can see him in the eyes. And make sure he still agree on doing it afterword.

“Alright, I think we have built that route for possession now… can you hear me? “

He asks curiously, trying to calm himself down from talking to a real human in five years. Hoping Alex would be able to hear him.

“ Do you… regret your decision now ?”

Alex’s eyes open as he is startled by the sudden voice in the previously quiet room. Following the direction of it, Alex sees a young man sitting on the floor.

A handsome face, symmetrical and nice to look at if not for the way blood is dripping over the left side of it. His ghost, Charles Lee, is wearing a large sweater with the faded writing of a university name. His skin is translucently pale, so pale that the dark eye bags are as pronounced as eye make-up.

“You are...Charles?” He reaches out to touch the ghost’s shoulder and it felt as if his hand passes through a block of ice. It’s a numbing feeling, strangely calm. If death is actually like this, Alex doesn’t see why he has anything to fear.

“No. I don’t regret it.” He offers his hand for a shake. “Not at all.”

“ Yep, I’m your local-very-dead ghost roommate, Charles Lee. “

He puts on a more relaxing smile when Alex start asking him questions instead of getting irrational about his present, he did meet a better human this time. Better than the last human who tried to kick him out with holy water (which was only a waste of money).

“ I’m glad that you didn’t freak out meeting me. You know, I don’t exactly look like a normal human. Do I give you a good first expression? Like my style so far ?”

He shakes Alex’s hand with his most steady handshake, greeting his temporarily human in a manner he hasn’t use for ages. Can’t help but gets exciting about having this opportunity enter his life, well, dead-life.

“ Are you sure you are ready for a possession though? I don’t feel you have enough energy for it. “ He asks after shaking Alex’s hand, noticing the condition of his current stage isn’t as good as he imagined before their connection.

“Let’s roll with it. I’m probably the best chance you’ve got.” Alex brushes off Charles’s concern for his health. “We’ll start soon. I’m gonna help you free yourself from regrets.”

Even though Alex is still living with his.

“ … Let’s start this tomorrow, I insist. We need to give your body some time to get used to our connection. “

He pats his new human on the shoulder and tried his best to still looks exciting. Like this connection between them only means the possession, nothing more.

But he knows nothing more about it, this is a completely new experience for him too. He has no idea what might happen next.

“both of us need some charging right now. Possession would work the best with a fully rested body. “

And so they slept.