#it reminds me of adam sandler making movies basically to just fuck around with his friends in cool locations but WAY more entertaining

[inviernacular]

me thinking about whatever crazy episode of fhjy we get next week

[honestdreams]

Chemisty | Peter Kavinsky

A/N: Guess whose back from the dead, it’s your girl, hope you guys missed me! This ones a LONG one, I got this request form @ruwaidahmulla which I got over a year ago but I’ve been in mia since tumblr deleted my blog but I’m back baby! Hope yall enjoy this, I’ve missed writing so request more things please  ♡

words: 2450

warning(s): smut

masterlist

“Girl, how did Peter Kavinsky ace chemistry?! I mean he beat LJ, that’s like crazy!” Chris exclaimed, emphasising her blown mind with her hands and a sound effect.

I chuckled and ran my fingers through my tousled hair, “I know right, I’m proud of him?”

“What did you do? Put a spell on him?” Lara Jean joked.

Making me laugh and shrug casually, “You could say that.”

“Y/N please, please, you have to tutor me, I’m failing chemistry and you’re amazing at it!” Peter followed me through the halls begging.

“How many time do I have to tell you, this isn’t going to work. No matter how good I am at chemistry, you have a tendency to get distracted around me, and you know it! Coach even makes me sit on the highest bleachers when I’m watching you practise or you’ll keep stopping to talk to me if I didn’t.”

Peter groaned knowing I was right. “Please honey please…unless you want me to get some other girl to tutor me.” He started.

My eyes narrowed as I imagined another girl taking advantage of Peter’s need for help for their own personal gain, to flirt with him, even though I know he was all about me, I found it hard to trust other girls, especially after meeting girls like Gen, and the fact that more than half of the girls in our school drooled over Peter.

“Fine, but you owe me dinner then yeah?”

“I promise, Friday night is at your favourite dinner, thank you honey.” He kissed my forehead quickly making me smile and blush.

/

“Okay Peter these are the notes you have to remember the most because this is what the test is mainly about.” I went over the sheet of paper I had made for myself to study on for our next upcoming test, everything was simplified and focused on the information that needed to be remembered, unlike how our text books were set out. I guessed if these helped me a lot, hopefully they would also be a big help to Peter too.

“I like the colours.” He finally spoke and I sighed,

“Thanks Pete, but I need you to focus on the dot points.” I gently ran my fingers through his hair, “This will help you.”

“I know, but you running your fingers through your hair doesn’t help me concentrate honey.” He mumbled, pulling my hand from his hair to hold it instead.

I blushed and squeezed his hand gently. “Sorry bub.”

He smiled and kissed my cheek before reading over the sheet, occasionally asking questions but he got the basics then I felt his hand on my leg, without a word he moved my leg over his lap, and I instantly moved my other to be the more comfortable.

He settled his hand on my thigh and rubbed his thumb subconsciously. I continued to explain things to him, but his hand began to wander higher until I felt his fingers against the lace of my panties.

“Peter.” I groaned and tried to move his hand away, but he brushed me away and smirked still looking down at the paper.

“Yes honey? I’m trying to read.”

“No you’re not you’re trying to get in my pants.”

“Um wrong, since I’ve already been in your pants so I don’t have try to get in them again.”

“You’re supposed to be studying.”

“Well this is a little boring and I think I’ve just found something better to do.”

I sighed in defeat as Peter reached over and pushed my hair back behind my ear, teasingly brushing his lips over mine and I couldn’t help but push my lips against his and his hand settled on my cheek, while his other pulled my body closer to him. Making me sit on his lap as our lips became familiar with each other, I ran my fingers through his hair and moved my body against his, feeling my wetness quickly ruin my lace.

“Told you this tutoring thing wouldn’t work.” I mumbled against his lips.

“Thank you for trying honey, but right now I wanna focus on this right here.”

/

I sat in front of LJ’s TV as Billy Madison played, entertaining our need for a comedy on movie night.

“Adam Sandler is such a good actor.” I commented before eating some more popcorn.

“I know right; he can do just about anything. I mean we should watch Mr Deeds next because it has a good romance too.” LJ replied and I nodded in agreement.

We talked minimally as the scene where Billy’s girlfriend had come up with an inventive way to help Billy study better and a light bulb went off in my head. I questioned to myself if that would work for Peter and knew I might need to adapt it.

He was doing a bit better after our study session but I wanted to help him more, and I know I couldn’t do that if I was a distraction for him, but perhaps I could use the thing that was distracting him as a motivator to make him to better.

/

“Okay Peter I got an idea of how to help you study.”

“It isn’t flash cards is it because we tried that in 10th grade and I will remind you that it didn’t work.”

“No. No, I got this idea from a movie and I want to see if it’ll work for you. I’m am going to ask you a question and every time you get an answer right I am going to kiss you.”

After hearing the word kiss Peter instantly perked up. “Now you’re interested huh bubba.” I mumbled before pecking his lips.

“Yeah, yeah I’m listening.”

I smiled and asked him a simple question that I knew he knew the answer to, I quickly kissed him as a reward and asked another. Following the process over and over again. Taking mental notes as he surprisingly answered some difficult questions, and struggled to answer some others before going over my helpful papers to review what the answer should be.

I pushed his hair back as he read over a paragraph a couple of times to embed it into his memory. “Wow bubba, I’ve never seen you so concentrated besides when you’re practising, it’s hot.” I grinned, teasing him but also telling him the truth.

“Yeah?” He smiled back cheekily.

“Yes, I’ll tell you what, if you get over 90% on our next test, I’ll let you do absolutely anything to me after our date on Friday.”

“Anything huh? You dirty girl.” He took a moment to poke my side before I pushed his hand away and he intertwined our fingers. “Alright I’ll take you up on that. And if I don’t?”

“You have to help me make cupcakes for my monthly sleepover night with the girls.” I offered my hand out to him to shake and he instantly shook it.

“Alright, you got a little deal you devil, but that means we’re having study sessions every day before the test.” He smiled and pulled me in by our handshake to kiss me.

/

My leg bounced up and down anxiously as I watched the teacher walk around with our test papers, I was excited for Peter, but I always got anxious when we were getting our results back because I hope to get a mark I would be proud of, especially after all the hard work I put into it.

I bit mu lip and dug my nails a little harder into my palm as the teacher got closer to us. Finally, he slipped my paper down in front of me and I immediately let out a breath of relief as I read a clear 88% was written in red pen on the top right hand corner of my paper.

Free from worry I glanced behind me at Peter and proudly showed him my mark, he gave me a big thumbs up and I laughed softly before turning silent as our teacher dropped Peter’s test paper in front of him.

I watched as Peter took a deep breath, obviously being nervous. I bit my lip and subconsciously interlocked my middle finger around my pointer finger, hoping Peter gets a mark that makes him happy. Suddenly his face lit up and I knew.

He flipped his paper around for me to see and I gaped at his mark of 97%.

“No fucking way!” I whispered in surprise then quickly got up to kiss Peter, “I’m so so proud of you bubba, I mean I would have been proud no matter what you got, but I’ve even more ecstatic that you got an A+. It’s well deserved, you worked very hard for this. Good job baby.”

“Thank you honey, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.” He smiled and kissed my forehead.

“Obviously.” I joked and messed up his hair before walking back to me seat, admiring his award winning smile before I turned back around to face the teacher that had just sat down at his desk.

/

“I’m serious Peter, you shouldn’t have yelled at that guy just because his friend caused him to knock his drink on me.”

“Honey you’re too nice, he didn’t even apologise, of course I was going to make him so do, I know how much it annoys you when people don’t use common decency, you’re just like me.” He chuckled and wrapped his arm around me.

I rolled my eyes but moved closer into him knowing he was right.

“So back to my place honey?” He whispered in my ear and I shivered in anticipation, nodding quickly.

/

Peter laid me down on my bed and brushed my hair back.

“I will never get over how lucky I feel when I get to see you like this.”

I immediately pulled him in for a kiss and wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer in, consumed in how much I loved this boy and knowing he loved me just as much as I loved him. Our hands roamed the other’s body, becoming familiar and finding where our hands belong, mine in his hair and his on my hips, pulling me in as he grinded against me.

I blushed feeling his hard on grow, making my body react and my wetness grew. Suddenly I was on top of Peter, a position I wasn’t used to, but as I looked down at Peter I realised what he meant when he said he got to see me ‘like this’. I normally saw Peter from below, him being so much taller than me and all, but now from above, he was vulnerable, his hair messy, his whole face to admire and nothing to hide behind.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world.” I admitted, tearing up a little.

“Honey,” He chuckled and cupped my cheeks, “if I knew you were going to get this emotional, I would not have put you on top.” He laughed and quickly pecked my lips before laying back down.

I followed him and leaned down, our lips barely touching but getting lost in each other’s eyes, “I love you Peter Grant Kavinsky.”

“And I love you (your full name).”

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against him, just for a moment, though it truly felt like a lifetime, then pressed my lips against him and let my head get dizzy with lust. Our hands travelled one another’s body again but this time taking off clothing. I pulled away breathless as Peter pulled my shirt over my head, and I made sure his followed suit.

I kissed him again before my hands found his belt and unbuckled it, undoing his zipper than hastily pulling his pants down before Peter did it himself, and soon enough my pants were off too. I watched as Peter carefully ran his fingertips over my bare skin, feeling the material of my underwear before pulling them off too.

“I want you to ride me honey. That’s all I’ve wanted for ages but have been too shy to ask, and after this test business, I wanted my well-earned reward.” He kissed my neck running his hands up and down my sides.

My cheeks turned pink at the thought of riding my boyfriend, he was also in control and I liked it like that but at times I was curious how it would be if I was on top and it seemed the both of us were getting what we wanted.

I gently took his cock in my hand and stroked it silently, my other hand drifting between my own legs to see if I was ready for him, I bit my lip feeling how wet I was. Peter smiled and kissed my cheek, letting me go at my own pace as he rubbed my skin. I took a second to position myself over him then slowly sank down onto his cock.

I moaned quietly and dug my nails into Peter’s chest, feeling myself getting used to his size over time then slowly rocked my hips, making Peter moan as well which was music to my ears. I leaned down to kiss him as I moved my hips faster.

I whimpered his name against his lips and he gripped my hips, pushing up against me making me moan louder, his lips found their way to my neck again and I knew he was leaving marks but my mind was too clouded with pleasure to tell him off. I felt my orgasm grow and I pulled away from Peter to better take in how he felt inside me.

“I’m close honey, you look so sexy like this.”

“Peter.” I whined not able to say anything else.

He quickly grabbed me and sat up, thrusting into me as I became lightheaded. My body shook in his hold and I screamed out his name, climaxing on his cock and Peter followed quickly, finishing inside me as we both breathed heavily, taking in everything that happened so quickly.

Y/N comfortingly brushed her fingers through Peter’s hair before he rolled them over so she was on her back, resting his head on her chest, listening to her rapid heartbeat, smiling as their hearts were beating as one.

/

“That’s why you’re wearing a turtleneck?!” Chris questioned laughing.

“I couldn’t find my makeup to cover it up.” I blushed.

“That’s why Peter asked me where you keep your makeup.” LJ started to laugh too.

“Well it’s good to know Peter and Y/N have a lot of chemistry, huh LJ?” Chris continued to tease and I rolled my eyes at my goofy friends.

masterlist

[angelic-holland]

First Premiere

Summary: Tom and you attend the Far From Home Premiere together and reminisce of your first night in a special way. 

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings: smut and fluffy boyfriend Tom

A/N: check out the rest of the Miss Yer Kiss Series in my masterlist! 

Sport’s first plane ride! Wish him luck!

You posted a photo of Sport in the empty seat next to you before putting him in your lap and putting on your seatbelt, getting ready for takeoff. 

Tom tried to upgrade your ticket to first-class and you laughed. 

What could you possibly do with that much room on an airplane? 

You giggled at Tom’s comment, “can’t wait to see sport, and you, miss you” followed by several different heart emojis.

Normally you’d call him a sap, stick your tongue out at him and giggle. 

Thud. Thud. Thud. 

Your heart reminded you that you loved the silly heart emojis because they were so Tom. Reminding you of his feelings through silly emojis. 

***

You didn’t think you looked like a stupid cheesy romance movie at the airport. You were in sweatpants and your Tattoo Dice T-shirt, stained with tattoo ink, hair a mess, you were looking for a curly mop of red hair, Harry was supposed to pick you up,  as you dragged your small carry on suitcase behind you. 

“Y/N?” You heard a woman with a British accent call out.

Hmm?

“Y/N!” You turn and a tan woman waving her arms all around recognizes you. 

“It’s Nicki! Tom’s mum! Oh hi, it’s so nice to meet you! Oh my goodness!” 

“Hi, nice to meet you too?” Your voice raises in a question, just not expecting her to meet you while you looked like this, after a flight. 

“Oh you look fine darling, should’ve seen me when I got off the flight here, Tom should be back any second he just ran to the bathroom,” she says her arms are raised slightly like she wants to hug you. 

She must’ve taken in your confused look because she laughed and pulled you in for a hug. 

“Oh!” You laughed, letting go of your suitcase to hug her back.

“Harry was supposed to pick you up but I insisted me and Tom come, he couldn’t stop talking about you the car ride here, or like ever.”

“Mum! Y/N! Hey!” You hear Tom’s familiar voice ring out from the crowded airport baggage area as you pull away from Nicki.

“Thought someone was busy,” you tease.

“I was but mum worked her magic and switched things around, so here I am,” he says, pulling you into a bone-crushing hug, you can’t help but giggle as he lifts you into the air, spinning you around slightly as he kisses you. 

“Missed you,” you grin as he sets you down, lips still ghosting against your own.

“Missed you more,” he teases, slinging an arm around your shoulder as you grab your suitcase. 

***

You arrive at the hotel and you hardly have any time with Tom to just be, before he’s being swept away for an interview, kissing you quickly before telling you that you can meet up later in the day and go shopping for the night.

“Y/N, do you want to get your nails done with me?” Nicki asks as you stand in the lobby, a book in your arm, small backpack slung over your shoulder.

“Sure, I’d love to.”

Truth is, you were sort of terrified of the prospect of spending time alone with Tom’s mother. How much of you has he shared with her? Do moms and daughters normally get their nails done together? Is this the type of bonding that people did? 

***

She must know at least a little bit about you because she goes on and on about how she’s been watching Ink Master with Tom and how Tom’s been trying to learn more about tattoos.

“And he talks about the first tattoo you did, the Spiderman mask, and how you’ve done so many beautiful ones since I follow your Instagram and the ones you post are amazing. I can't believe you’ve only been doing this for what is it now, a month?”

“Thereabouts,” you nod, you let her take control of the conversation as you get your nails done, something you’ve never done before. 

You got a pretty red, something that matched Tom’s outfit for the premiere. Speaking of his outfit for you still had to figure out where you were going to find a dress that one, internet trolls wouldn’t call cheap, and two was actually ridiculously cheap.

She starts to grill you on your life, school, your family and it’s clear that Tom hasn’t told her that side to you, which you’re grateful for. She’s not exactly grilling you, that was a bad choice of words, but she would ask question after question. It was clear she just wanted to get to know you, the girl her son was seen with at some sleazy club once and was now here in LA as his girlfriend, going to the premiere of his movie with him. 

“Does this reminds you of getting your nails done with your mom as a kid?” She asks and you sigh. 

Now came the hard part, you could skirt around the truth, just say that your mom never took you to get your nails done. It wasn’t a lie, your mom never took you to get your nails done because you didn’t have a mom.

“I uh, never really went to places with my mom.”

“Oh, okay, well, I think we can have a lot of fun today, if you’d like, think of it as a girls day before Tom can meet back up with us.”

“Sure,” you smile, partly because you wanted to make his mom happy, partly because you secretly wondered what spending time with a mom was like, not that you’d share that.

After she insisted on paying for your nails, “think of it as a present for your first premiere.”

That’s where Tom must’ve gotten his generosity. 

The two of you have lunch and you let yourself lead the conversation, talking about your art and your plans as a tattoo artist, how you want to eventually specialize in portraits and how hard it can be to accurately tattoo the human face onto human skin, getting the texture and depth of a face on a two dimensional space that bleeds was a challenge. 

“I’m sure you’re going to do fantastic,” she encourages. 

“And I guess I think it would be cool at some point to go on Ink Master, or meet Ryan Ashley, wow it’s my dream to meet her, her work just takes my breath away every single day.”

“She’s the one that does the super realistic jewelry pieces?”

You nod surprised that she knew Ryan Ashley’s work.

The two of you walk around downtown LA, you’re used to the crowded sidewalks, much like the ones of New York, but a little hotter.

She points out places she recognizes, you stop at what looks like a ridiculously expensive clothing shop and you’re surprised to see Tom so early.

“Hey princess,” he says, wrapping his arms around you.

“Hey Tom,” you mumble against his neck as he let’s go of you, hand slipping down your arm to intertwine with your own.

“Ready to go shopping?” He asks, tugging you farther into the store.

“Uhhh, I was hoping we could go to Macy’s or Old Navy or something,” you rub the back of your neck. You most definitely did not fit in here. Eyes roaming the racks of absolutely beautiful dresses, knowing that they’d be approximately a month’s rent or more.

“Nonsense, lemme treat you princess,” he whispers, hand squeezing your side.

You’re about to argue when you remember the conversation you had with Lily after you and Tom fought that one night.

***

“You know, if he wants to buy you stuff, just fucking let him.”

“A bed? Really?”

“Yes a bed, come on, he’s fucking loaded, a bed means nothing to him.”

“And that’s what I’m afraid of! Because a bed means more to me and you know that.”

“Start smaller though, just let him buy you little gifts here and there. That’s what boyfriends do, especially ones that are kind and have the means to. I’d just be grateful he didn’t straight up offer to pay your rent.”

“Argh, I’m gonna have to relearn what it’s like to be in an actual relationship won’t I?”

“As opposed to Jack? Yeah, let’s just say you and Tom will have plenty of firsts that you and Jack never got to.”

“How’d you know? See my future?”

“No, I just see the way your eyes lit up when your phone buzzes and you see that it’s him. The way your voice goes up an octave and you talk really fast when you talk about him. So let him treat you, like I said, lots of firsts, you just needa adjust to being able to fully rely on someone.”

“It’s gonna take some time.”

“Just go with it. Be like uh, Jennifer Aniston! In Just Go With It! You know? She has to pretend to date Adam Sandler’s character and he takes her shopping and she buys a bunch of expensive stuff? Like I know you’re dating for real, but like have that same attitude.”

***

“Okay,” you say and you can feel Tom’s hand squeeze your side and you see he’s got an excited giddy grin on his face. 

“Really? Okay, so my suit is red,”

You nod, wiggling your free hand in front of his face, to show your red nails.

“That’s the exact color basically how’d you get it just right?”

“In art school I took a whole class on colors and color matching was one of the units,” you say, hand pausing at a long dress, floor length with a slit up one side, an open back, a low neckline but still classy. It seemed to match the pictures of Tom’s suit that you’ve seen. 

“Wanna try it on?” He asks and you nod, checking the size. 

“That is going to look absolutely amazing on you,” Nicki says, watching as you furrow your eyebrows.

“I’m not 100% sure what size dress I am,” you frown, and Tom calls over a woman who was working. 

“They can take your measurements,” Tom says.

“Yes, if you come with me, I can measure you in our dressing rooms and then pick the size that will suit you best,” the woman says and you nod, letting your arm fall from Tom’s waist as he rubs one last circle against your hip, kissing your cheek before you’re ushered away with the woman.

“You and your boyfriend are very beautiful together,” she says and you can’t help but laugh. Tom looks amazing in a tight blue shirt and dress pants. You seemed a little worse for wear, you changed out of your sweatpants but was just wearing ripped jeans and the same t-shirt from earlier.

“Thank you,” you say.

She has you get undressed, using the measuring tape around your waist, your hips, chest. You wait while she leaves, coming back with two sizes.

“So you might be this one, but it might be just a tad too tight, so I got one size up, don’t wear a bra in it, it’s got plenty of padding and support.”

She leaves you to try it on, you are a little confused because there are multiple thin straps that might be where your arms go but you’re not sure. You eventually get it on and it seems to fit just right, you tug the small zipper and spin for the mirror. It shows off all your tattoos and you feel a stupid fear bubble up inside you. 

What will people say?

Then you thought about what Tom would say when you stepped out of the dressing room and suddenly nothing anyone online could say bothered you. Because you looked hot and you knew he would agree. 

“How’s it going in there?” The woman asks and you gulp, pushing the dressing room curtain back.

You didn’t expect to see Tom and Nicki sitting on the small bench right outside of the room but you felt a giggle rise in your throat when Tom’s eyes lit up. It reminded you of that kid from Home Alone 2, when he saw his family again on Christmas. Pure excitement and glee, eyes wide, lips upturned into a toothy smile, blushing slightly. Tom made you watch that movie, absolutely baffled when you hadn’t seen it before. 

You figured that’s how most kids looked on Christmas when they were surrounded by their family and got to open up present after present. You wondered how spending Christmas with Tom would be like.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

His eyes shone as his jaw dropped and he stood up.

“Wow, you look, wow,” he says, eyes roaming your body. 

“I didn’t know wow was an adjective?”

“It is now,” he says, kissing you quickly before spinning you in his arms. 

“I think that’s the one,” Nicki says.

***

You were nervous as fuck as you and Tom sat and had your makeup done. Your hand holding his so tightly he actually laughed, “never thought you had this tight of a grip before.”

“Just a little nervous,” you sigh.

“Don’t be, we’ll be the hottest people there.”

“But Jake Gyllenhaal will be there.”

“Shit you’re so right, second hottest people there.”

You don’t let your nerves get to you however, you were grateful for Tom’s grounding hand on your hip as you got out of the car, stepping up to the red carpet. You had to shut your eyes a few times, the flashing cameras made you shiver.

He introduced you to his other brother, Sam, as well as his friends Harrison and Tuwaine and you couldn’t help but swoon a little when he introduced you to Jake Gyllenhaal.

“So this is the tatted minx Tom would talk about nonstop throughout the press junket, nice to finally meet you,” He says and he hugs you and holy shit if you weren’t falling for Tom you’d risk it all for Jake right then and there. 

He pulls away and Tom’s arm is back around your waist, a tighter hold than before, thumb rubbing a circle against the fabric of your dress.

You watch as he signs things for fans and greets them, your heart swells at how excited he seems, which only makes you excited, seeing him in his element.

Thud, thud, thud.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” you whisper in his ear, getting an idea.

“Oh, yeah, let’s try to find it, we’ve got some time before the movie starts,” he says as you both wander, he waves goodbye to the eager crowd as you slip into the huge stadium where the movie would play.

Your eyes find the sign for the bathrooms and you all but drag him towards it. 

“I can wait outside while you oh-,” his voice drops as your hand edges along the front of his suit pants. 

“You could, or you could uh, join me,” your eyes sparkle with your idea as he, in turn, pulls you into the bathroom, locking the door before kissing you, mouth insistent and sloppier than earlier, he didn’t have to hold back. He wasn’t in front of everyone and didn’t have to be short and sweet. Tongue tracing your lips before pushing inside your mouth, playing a delicious game as your hands gripped his shoulders.

“Careful, gonna mess up my makeup,” you whisper as his hands roam up your sides to rest against your breasts. 

“I can kiss ya somewhere else,” he whispers against your lips and you whimper as he kisses down your neck, fingers slipping down to the slit in your dress as he pushes you firmly against the door, fingers playing with the edge of your panties before kneeling in front of you.

“You know what this reminds me of,” he whispers, pushing your panties to the side as his fingers stroke through your slick folds.

“Our first night, I know,” you laugh, glad he’s caught on, “that was the plan.”

He circled your entrance, kissing your thigh above your tattoo, “only this time I know your name.”

“Fuck,” you cry out as he pushes two thick fingers into you as he nips at your thigh. 

The only sounds you can hear is your breathless pants and your heartbeat as his tongue circles your clit, mouth and hands pushing you quickly over the edge.

He pulls his fingers out of your clenching core, kissing your thigh as he pulls your panties back in place. 

Your eyes peek down at Tom, sucking his fingers wet with your juices into his lips, moaning around them as he stood up.

“Holy shit let me suck you off,” you mutter, hands grabbing his shoulders and pulling him back for a kiss, groaning as you taste yourself on him.  

You’re about to turn the tables, push him against the door and devour him but there’s a knock on the door that makes you both jump.

“Hey, uh Tom? If you’re in there, everyone’s kinda running around looking for you, so if you’re uh, finished, we’d love to have you join the rest of us and watch the movie,” Harrison, you think at least is the accent behind the door.

“Shit,” he says, body shaking with laughter as you giggle against his shoulder.

“Raincheck?”

“Always,” he kisses your cheek and you try your hardest not to blush as he unlocks the door, the two of you try to look presentable and like you weren’t just doing what you were doing as you come face to face with Harrison’s cheeky smile.

“For the sake of Nicki and the rest of them, you were looking with me, and we found Tom together,” Harrison says you the two of you nod, playing along as Nicki runs up.

“We were looking everywhere for you Tom, thought the pair of you slipped away, everyone’s waiting, let’s go watch the movie.”

“Yes, let’s,” he says, kissing your cheek and intertwining his fingers with your own.

Thud thud thud.

***

Taglist: @la-bellezaa @tom-hollands-blog @unicornsyy @rageyoudamnednerd @sunnydays0803 @jackiehollanderr @khhbby @lousimusician @amyalpha @musiclover1263 @relise-thefury @euphorictom @lkd2505 @peteunderoos @saysomethingspiderman

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #472

“we don’t deal with outsiders very well  /  they say newcomers have a certain smell”

Does your favorite uncle have any children? Yeah; he has one son and a daughter. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? I don't. I'm selfish with my alone time, and I want to live for me. I don't want to essentially hand over my life for someone else, give my all for them, and then I wind up not being enough. I don't want the financial burden. I don't want to be responsible for another human being. There are so, so many reasons I don't want kids. Does a career in finance sound interesting to you? Noooot at all. When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, but you also wouldn't catch me dead cooking beans. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? No. What’s something that’s been bothering you lately? I've been pushing it to the back of my mind to avoid panicking, so I probably shouldn't even talk about it, but I worry quite a bit that Girt will eventually leave me because of me not being "adult" enough, like having a job, a car, knowing how to do basic adult stuff... you know. I don't feel like he will, given just how devoutly he's been by my side since HS, and especially now that we're together, I'm working harder towards those goals, but still. I worry it'll happen. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? I've never had a severe one. What was the last show you binge-watched? Psych with Girt. I quite liked it. Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. What’s something that bothers you more and more as you get older? Political issues. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Girt. What is your favourite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Just your normal tomato sauce. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? ... In my bed. :x Do you think your ex ever loved you? Yes. Have you ever had a filling? For my teeth? Yes. Should tattoos be meaningful? Get a tattoo for whatever reason you please. It doesn't necessarily have to be meaningful, no. Do you think wisteria trees look cool? Get a wisteria tree. Do you like to eat strawberries? Get a strawberry. There doesn't need to be a big story. Do certain times of the year remind you of certain people? Yes. January is like... all about Jason in my head because within that month is his birthday and our former anniversary. Are there any negative points to being in a relationship? Uh, there's probably something. What the most recent good news you’ve heard? Just today actually I got a phone call about some genetic testing I had done to see if I carried the malfunctioning gene my mother has that makes her more prone to certain types of cancer. My sisters and I all got tested, and all three of us are good! Our pancreatic, breast, and ovarian cancer risks are the same as your average person walking down the street. Would you hug your bf/gf’s best friend? I don't know his best friend. I don't think I would upon just meeting him, though. Who was the last person in your family to have a baby? My older sister. Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? Mom wouldn't care less, while I don't really know about my dad. Not that it would matter what he thought. Do you like when friends stop by unexpectedly? NO NO NO NO NEVER DO THIS. I have to be mentally prepared for company. How strong are your feelings for the last person you kissed? I really, really love him. It's funny how wildly my emotions flipped from platonic to romantic with him just by giving it some deep thought. How close are you to the last person you hung out with? Can you be your complete self around them? We're very close, and yes. I'm still extremely shy for him to know some things, but ultimately, I'd tell him a whole lot. Is music a daily part of your life? Usually, anyway. Did you go to your high school’s graduation? Yes. Did you do anything sexual last night? Naw. Do you think the last person you Facebook messaged is a virgin? Doubt it, he's been in at least one serious relationship before. Ever want a monkey as a pet? I would absolutely fucking never, even if it was moral and possible to give them all they need as a pet. I've never been that into monkeys, anyway. What’s the scariest bug you’ve ever seen? I've seen a massive stag beetle at least once and it was such a fuck no. Do you think it’s alright if people baby talk to babies? Yes...? They're unfamiliar with the world and need gentleness to establish trust and a positive bond in general. There is nothing wrong with treating babies like, well, babies. Ever take a nap in a hammock? I don't believe I've ever fallen asleep in one, but I definitely used to just chill out and close my eyes on the one we used to have at my old place, under the shade of the trees. Who’s the best character in Rugrats? I don't have an opinion on this, surprisingly. I adored that show as a kid and had two video games for it. Pop-Tarts or Toaster Struddels? The latter. But both are tasty. Ever want to make out with someone, anyone, didn’t matter who? Er, no. I have to love you. Smack someone on the ass lately? This question is worded so uncomfortably lmao but no. Someone smack your ass lately? Still an uncomfortable question but no. Do you like puppies more than adult dogs? They're cute, but no. Adult dogs are generally calmer and actually know where to use the bathroom. If you go grey as you age, would you dye your hair or let it be? I plan on dyeing my hair for a loooong time if it's something extra I can afford. Is there a historical figure you find interesting? If so, who? The first person who came to mind was Pharaoh Hatshepsut. Girl power, man. Was there a family secret you weren’t told about until you were an adult? I guess maybe my dad having done serious drugs for a while. I don't know if anyone would've told me that as a kid. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? I've never vandalized, period. What do you usually order from Olive Garden? SPICY SHRIMP FRITAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS <3 What is in the back seat of your car right now? I have no idea what's in the back of Mom's car, actually. I don't pay attention. What was the last thing you threw up? I'd assume whatever I had for dinner with the medication that made me vomit. What color is your mom’s hair? Since chemo, it was growing back completely gray, so now she dyes it black. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? Yeah, no. Not even entertaining this. I'd rather die. If you swapped genders for a day, how would you spend it? Ha, it's weird, the first thing that came to mind was "how would I look in makeup?" because men in makeup can look like fuckin babes so I guess that's what I'm doing lmaooo. Have you ever been to see stand-up comedy? No, but I would. I think it sounds fun. Have you ever been in a submarine? No, but that'd be cool. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. I wish. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Ohio. Have you ever appeared on YouTube? lkajsd;lkfjae yes Have you ever planted a tree? An apple tree, yes. Which celebrity do you find the most annoying? I don't care. Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? She can animate pretty darn well! Have you ever written a song? Guys when I was a little kid I wrote a song to the Nintendogs theme fucking kill me Does anybody send you money in the mail for your birthday? My grampa on Dad's side used to, but he's deceased now. He would do that for me and my sisters, and I always thought it was so wild, because it was like, a lot, and this man barely knew us at all because of how far away my dad's family is. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? No. Do you know anybody who has a birthday in November? I mean I'm sure I do, but no one off the top of my head that I know well, anyway. What monster would you be most afraid to have in your closet? Ghostface bc I've been afraid of him since I was a kid, and I HATE knives. Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? I don't know if I have a favorite. He's also just in so many movies though that I could never think of all of them. Have you ever been abused by a police officer? Yikes, no. Do you know anyone who is very ignorant? Boy, do I. I know plenty. When was the last time someone said something mean and offensive to you? I don't know, and I'd rather not try to remember. Would you ever film a vlog of yourself giving birth? ?????????????????????????? NO????????????????????????? WHY WOULD I WANT THAT????????????????????????????????? Do you think your hair looks best straight, wavy, or curly? Straight. Name 3 YouTubers you would like to meet in person: Markiplier obvs, Rhett & Link are a pair channel, so I count them as one unit, and uhhh just one more... Snake Discovery/Emily & Ed. I could hang with them, man. What makes you more creative? Music. Have you ever slow danced with anyone? Yeah, one person. Who’s the last person to send you a message on Facebook? My sister Misty. She's making me this really cool Halloween-y wreath to keep on my door year-round. She's really good with crafts and is making some beautiful ones. What’s the last magical thing you experienced? I'd rather keep it private, but the general gist is just realizing how much I love someone again. Were you raised religious? Yes. Didn't stick. Never felt "right" or "at home" in any religion. If you had a lot of money, do you think you would use it wisely? I hope I would. I feel like growing up poor, it could go either way. I do THINK I'd use it pretty wisely, at least. Maybe go a bit too hard into things I seriously love (like tattoos), but then be really stingy in other areas. Do you like the same colors now that you did as a kid? In general, yes. My favorites are still all shades and tints of red. Got any nicknames that you rarely even use? Not nicknames I use nowadays, no. Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? I’m fine being female. Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? Absolutely, because of how little I've accomplished. Based on your running speed, what animal would you be? Like, a tortoise probs. :^) Can you read in public? Only if it's quiet. Pokemon, Digimon, GI JOE, Barbies, or other? Pokemon, duh. What’s something that makes you really stressed out? Not having a job, to name one thing. Are you any good at science? I've always been really good at (most) science, actually. Like language arts, it's just something that naturally "clicks" for me. Do you go on any forums on the net? Just KM right now. Got any secrets you honestly can’t say to anyone? It's not that I can't, like I don't have any deep, dark secrets that would rock someone's world if they knew, there are just things I'm never sharing. Believe in voodoo? Nah. What’s something you’ve tried really hard at? To be a decently successful photographer, but let's not get me started on that travesty. :^)

[kevinjamesisagiantpeach]

The Zookeeper- Ryan & Susie in Conversation

Susie: So Ryan, what do you remember about the Zookeeper two weeks later? What immediately jumps out to you about it?

Ryan: “Show her your puddin’ cup!” jumps out at me.

S: How did I forget about that part? I was thinking about the sad gorilla cake. My number one thing about that movie was that heinous gorilla costume. It was on my top five list of topics “bad gorilla costume” and Kevin James just sitting in the gorilla pen talking to the gorilla. Am I remembering wrong or was that half of the movie?

R: There was a lot of time spent in the gorilla pen. I feel like we have hit both extremes of animal movies. We hit the animal movie where they were making the animals do too many things that ended up being too much and too creepy, like dancing and singing and CGI wiggling… stuff...

S: Wearing pants

R: Yes! Wearing pants and stuff. So, we hit that extreme and then in The Zookeeper, we sort of hit the extreme where animals were just acting like boring people. 

S: Like standing around A LOT, like a ton of animal loitering. The zoo would close, the animals would loiter. They’d confer about Kevin James, decide to take action but their action was to circle around Kevin James.

R: Yeah. You know what is funny? There were no animal-related hijinx, other than the gorilla going to TGI Friday’s which is also really boring. 

S: It’s truly boring but when I tell you there are so many clips of it on Youtube. People love that scene where he is the van listening to the Apple Bottom Jeans song with the gorilla. I was searching…I have to say there are parts of The Zookeeper that I like. I have to say that Rosario Dawson was a champ throughout this film. I don’t feel like we have seen, to date, sort of Kevin James love interest that has been as game as she has for the ridiculous hijinks and pratfalls. She made the most sense so far.

R: Yeah. She was good, actually, and I think because they worked together and sort of had a friendship through work, when they got together, you weren’t like, “Oh, how did that happen?” 

S: Like Paul Blart and the hair extensions woman.

R: Yeah. No. That was weird. That was not appropriate. 

S: So forced and then Salma Hayek who seemed to genuinely hate his character in Here Comes the Boom. Or not even hate but sort of..but yea, revile. She definitely wasn’t a fan.

R: Definitely not respect. I do not know why she ended up jumping on that train, but I have a feeling it was nothing to do with his personality. 

S: It was because he saved just the music teacher’s job. At the end of the movie, the shocking part is… not to talk about Here Comes the Boom again, but I could, forever… it’s not saving the school’s budget, it’s just saving a teacher. In the same way, that in the Zookeeper he stops selling cars to save the gorilla? Is that right? The gorilla, there’s nothing even happening with the gorilla? That was sort of a red herring?The one guy bullied the gorilla but nothing ever came of it?

R: Well, the one guy bullied the gorilla, which I feel like could have been solved by reporting that guy to their boss. 

S: Instead of just kicking him

R: Yeah, he just sort of killed that guy, I guess. I don’t know. 

S: He got murdered

R: Yeah, that guy got murdered. But [Griffon] knew about it before then. I feel like if [Griffon said something along the lines of, “I suspect [Shane] is abusing the gorilla. I think we should put a camera in there.” That probably would have solved that problem. I feel like he never went to Step A before he went to killing that guy. 

S: And also, it’s like the zoo wanted to punish the gorilla, when again, it’s an animal, it’s a wild animal, not even a domesticated animal. So they were like… he kinda,  I don’t even think he bit the guy, so he doesn’t get a nice cage anymore, we put him in  a shitty cage. This is not a moral thing that the zoo is doing. So that is my other question, why is no one ever at the zoo? Did they spend all the money on wedding extras and TGIFridays extras. But that zoo feels closed all of the time. No one is there but the employees and that’s why the animals loiter so much.

R: That’s true. There is definitely a financial crisis happening with that zoo. 

S: And we never figured out what city it was in, we conjectured San Francisco

R:  Didn’t we eventually think they were in Boston? 

S: Oh yea, we Googled it

R: We eventually find out it’s in Boston, and that is also the final song of the movie is [by the band] Boston. 

S: I think it’s so weird to have a movie set in Boston and then not have anything Boston related at all. They could have been anywhere. They might have been anywhere. Probably filmed in Quebec.

R:  I do wonder if people from Boston would recognize that zoo somehow, if it’s iconic enough that if you actually had been to the zoo in Boston, you would be like, “Oh, I know exactly where that is.” 

S: I don’t even feel like we even see that much of it The pudding cup scene that you mentioned where he pisses all over the place. I feel like we’re in the pen a lot, the aforementioned gorilla pen we’re in all the time, we see the eagles, we see Rosario Dawson’s lab but I would be hard pressed to tell you more of that zzo. I can’t even placed in the geography of the zoo where the engagement party was.

R:  It also seemed like that zoo was just one very small area. It felt like everything was very clos to everything else

S: Basically the animals were stacked somehow.

R:  This was a strange movie. I feel like we were supposed to think that Paul Blart was very committed and saving the animals-- 

S: Paul Blart? I love that this is basically Paul Blart, reconfigured, reconstituted

R:  What is his name in the movie, again? It begins with a “G.” He’s got a strange name. 

S: Gordon? I don’t remember

R: No, it’s not Gordon. I’ll look it up. I think it is definitely worth knowing his name because it is so odd. 

S: I feel like I can never hold on to the names of Kevin James’s characters because it’s always shades of Kevin James. I’ve started talking about Kevin James in casual conversation at this point. Where I say things like “I think Kevin James is really happy with his life.” And different aspects of his acting.

R:  I feel like he does have his shit together. *frantically typing and having computer trouble*

S: In the bloopers in the credits where he just, I guess it was in between takes, he just turns to the camera and says all of America hates me right now. I think its funny to think about, Adam Sandler is so mad that people don’t like his movies. Kevin James knows and doesn’t give a fuck. And it reminds me of when Tyler Perry was on Black AF and he’s talking about how people hate his movies and he’s like guess what, I sell a lot of tickets and I’m making movies that are true to my heart. If people don’t like that then fuck that because this is what I’m doing. And that’s why they’re all over the place because Kevin James is a complicated man.

R: Well, I think, like Tyler Perry-- I am actually glad you brought up his name because now I am enjoying this connection-- I feel like you can either relate to it or you can’t. If you can relate to Tyler Perry’s movies, then they’re funny. You’re like, “Yes. I get that. I enjoy this. This feels real to me.” I feel like Kevin James is a little bit like that, too. It’s easy to watch it and go, “Who would ever watch this?” But then when you actually think about  it, it’s like-- no-- this is probably funny if you find something relatable in this situation. 

R: I guess the running joke is that Kevin James is a squat, fat guy who is extremely dorky and awkward and falls in love with every woman he meets and in every movie, he is doomed to be that person, and if that is what you feel like in your life, it is probably funny to watch it. 

S: He’s a millionaire so it’s the total bright side of that. Sure he might be all these things but he’s married to a beautiful woman and has this family and life that seems pretty fulfilling and what we have learned from his shorts is he is a legitimately good actor. He could just be a good actor which I could not get over. Why don’t we see more of this? Why doesn’t this show up in his movies? Is it because the writing is so bizarre?

R: I think the writing is one of the main culprits. We watch these movies and hit those points when Kevin James is funny. The fact that we’ve seen it is proof that [the problem] is not his ability to land a joke. It’s more the script. The script is just too flat in a lot of these movies. In Zookeeper, the script was-- it was hard to grab on to why you care what is happening.

S: Yes

R: His name is Griffin, by the way. 

S: Oh, o yea, it’s like a last name first name

R: It’s probably because it’s an animal name. 

S: I feel the Zookeeper suffers from what most of the movies he’s in suffers from which is tonal confusion. At first we’re like ok we have this guy who loves his job, total Kevin James thing, loves rules, total Kevin James thing, and is hopelessly in love with a woman who is not going to love him back to the same degree, total Kevin James thing. But then all of a sudden of all these red pill MRA shit themes start coming in. And we’re like who is this? This is not my Kevin James. And the thing is that those parts of the film feel icky. Like that part of the film feels so much more Grown Ups than anything else we’ve seen him in. Where I’m like David Spade would someone totally do this. Like you could see this showing up on his Twitter feed like “make a woman feel bad about herself”

R: I think that is one of the things that I find most troubling about Kevin James movies. I don’t want Kevin James movies to be low key sexist or high key sexist. It’s hard to tell where on the spectrum these movies fall.

S: Because of the tonal confusion

R: Yes because of the tonal confusion. It’s a weird combination of he’s putting these women on a pedestal and sometimes he’s forming genuine relationships that you can appreciate with these women. They are always strong. They are not really vapid in these movies. These are smart capable women. These characters in the are interesting people who you are like, yes, I respect this person. And then I think where it falls apart is the way he actually gets women. That’s when it starts to become creepy. So, if you learn how to manipulate women, you can just get them?  

S: There’s no seeing him stick the landing. There’s no reason that the relationship goes from kind of contentious to they’re making fun of each other and there’s no real chemistry like in Here Comes the Boom, the connection between him and Salma Hayek, I’m honestly can’t remember if they actually got together or not but I know the movie was trying to take us by the hand. And I’m like we don’t need this. This can just be about his super intense friendship with Henry Winkler, Henry Winkler’s unorthodox home life and then finding himself through MMA fighting. I don’t need this romantic relationship shoe horned in. Almost in the same way as Paul Blart, the end game in Paul Blart did not need to be a woman and then it wasn’t in the second one but they kinda wanted us to want it to be. That whole plot thread with him, the hotel manager, and the security guard, what was that? I know this isn’t Zookeeper and we keep getting off subject but I think this is relevant,

R: I’m just saying, Paul Blart had a threesome with those people. I’m throwing it out there. 

S: Oh 1000%

S: He’s negging them! It makes sense that he would end up with them. I predicted this. I knew this would happen. I orchestrated the whole thing. Are we then supposed to believe that Griffin also became awakened to this sort of pick up artist technique?

R:  He didn’t use it on Rosario Dawson. They actually did the opposite. They had a rip roaring good time at that wedding and that’s why they got together. I think that is why this is the most painless Kevin James romantic interest matchup because when they get together you’re like, Yeah, I get that. You got invited to this wedding as a friend. You had an awesome time. You both acted ridiculous, probably destroyed this wedding, but enjoyed yourselves, and after that, you decided to be more than friends. That is actually an understandable sequence of events. 

R: The negging thing-- I think we were supposed to be made to understand that it worked on Leslie Bibb because she is a shallow gold digger and those are the only types of guys that she goes out with, specifically. 

S: Ok which is a perfect transtition to why is Joe Rogan in this movie? Are they BFFs why is Joe Rogan in these fucking movies?

R: I would say I think he just likes playing a douchebag in Kevin James movies, but I don’t know. It’s hard to say. 

S: I am not under the impression that he is part of the Adam Sandler cabal so we have determined that Kevin James puts his brothers and his friends in all of his films.

R: And his wife. 

S: And his wife. So he is the light side to Adam Sandler’s dark side. Does that then mean, that Joe Rogan is part of the Kevin James posse? Cause I really feel like we are coming onto something here.

R: Well, they must be friends, somehow. 

S: We don’t see the reoccurrence of actors in these movies unless they’re friends. Because once you’re in a Zookeeper or Here Comes the Boom, you only need to be in one of these. You can just sort of live off residuals. Unless there is a different draw, you don’t really need to be in another.

R: Here is a Joe Rogan tweet from October 11, 2012, promoting Here Comes the Boom: 

https://twitter.com/joerogan/status/256578871380549633?s=20

S: So this is definitely a branding thing

R:  I wonder if it started with Here Comes the Boom, where Joe Rogan was in that movie because it was an Ultimate Fighter Movie, I guess. 

S: Yes

R: And then maybe they did become friends because of that and decided to do more movies after that? 

S: And then Joe Rogan’s podcast only took off later like he didn’t become the podcast guy until maybe 2015.

R: So, yeah, I guess that would kind of make sense is they would come up in their careers together through Kevin James movies, in part. 

S: That’s so interesting though because that puts Kevin James in the power position in his friendship with Joe Rogan.

R: Yes. I actually did find an article. If you Google, “Kevin James Joe Rogan Friendship.” 

S: As I do, every night before I go to bed but go ahead and tell me.

R: I don’t know what sherdog.com is. I don’t know what it is. It’s the global authority on mixed martial arts website. 

S: I’m so glad this is going to be on your web history, your browser history. John’s going to be like “Ryan, are you ok?’

R: So, this is an article from October 11, 2012, entitled “Kevin James’ Friendship with Bas Rutten, Joe Rogan, Inspired Here Comes the Boom”

S: So they were already friends then went and wrote a movie?

R: Supposedly, they interviewed Kevin James. Oh, look-- you can listen to the full interview. 

Interesting

R: So, they went on Sherdog Radio Network’s Beatdown Show

S: I love these words

R: And then they asked him where he got the idea for an MMA comedy and he said It really came from Joe Rogan and I talking. I’ve always wanted to try to incorporate some mixed martial arts into a movie, and Joe and I were talking about how we could make it a comedy. It seems difficult to do without making it goofy and jokey … . The challenge was just kind of getting a blend of real comedy and real moments and also infusing that with realistic MMA.”

S: So that makes so much more sense why Here Comes the Boom was so confusing. They were trying to do a lot. I think this whole project is going to lead me to listening to a ton of Kevin James interviews to just try to figure out what was the kernel that this bizarre movie started as and how the fuck did it end up where it is. And I’m going to definitely look up what lead to the Zookeeper because if this is what led to Here Comes the Boom that means the Zookeeper was Kevin James was a at a zoo and thought what if the animals could talk and give me love advice.

R: It sounds like he and Joe Rogan are friends just because they are both comedians. 

S: So Joe Rogan is big at the Comedy Store and I wonder if Kevin James used to do stand up there? Cause Joe Rogan one of THE people on the LA comedy scene. I feel like we’re going to end up writing a book about Kevin James someday.

R: I would be fine with that. Could you imagine if we actually got the opportunity to interview Kevin James? 

S: I would love that. I feel like… and I’m going to take a big swing right now…he is the connective tissue that holds Hollywood together. But for real, we’re finding out that he low key has just been…and long term fans would think I’m ridiculous for saying this, I feel like he’s been kinda flying under the radar in a way that I’m unaware of. But think about how few actors get to act as long as he’s been acting. He’s been around since the early 2000s that’s like longevity stuff and it seems like he’s always trying stuff.

R: I actually wish that I had known about Here Comes the Boom before I watched Here Comes the Boom. I would love to know the conversation that sparked the Zookeeper. I wish that I was there for the making of before I saw the final product. I think if I knew more about the material beforehand, I would have a different relationship with the movie. 

S: No that definitely makes sense because the thing we’re always questioning is intention. Like ok, so what exactly were we supposed to get out that scene? Or why would they have the characters do that? And I feel like from the little bit that I know about how the formulation of these things happened. They’re just trying stuff. Like we’re seeing what would now be relegated to a Youtube skit or a web series but they got to make a full Hollywood movie. Similar to Kevin Smith, being like I talked about the concept for Tusk on my podcast and then I went and made it. And it seems like Kevin James and his friends are doing that all the time. Like we were sitting around in our rich man’s houses and decided to make this film. By then he was flush with King of Queens money and Adam Sandler money so why not try some shit? And the studios keep signing off on it so he must be good money right? Or was that a Happy Madison Production?

R:  I think that was a Happy Madison Production???? [EDIT: Yes, it is a Happy Madison Production.]

S: Cause that’s the other part if your best friend is going to cosign on your projects very little is risked

R: Let me see. At one point, I thought this was supposed to be a kid’s movie that their parents could watch with them. 

S: Like a family film but so much of it centers around materialism and the compromise that happens when you’re with the wrong person. Even the hokey animal stuff like “show her your pudding cup” and “mark your territory”, I don’t even know how funny kids would think that was.

R: I mean, I’m trying to think back to when I was a kid, if I would have thought it was funny that he was peeing on a tree in front of actual children. 

S: I think I would have felt uncomfortable because I would be like “an adult’s not supposed to do that” like stranger danger stuff.

R: One thing that struck me in the movie is how suggestible Griffin is. You could tell Griffin to do anything and he would just do it. I guess his character was like that because otherwise you wouldn’t have any jokes in the movie. So, like, he is peeing at this party. I feel like in a lot of other movies, they would create some scenario or misunderstanding that would make that happen, but in this movie, he just decided to pee at this party.   

S: And the maitre d is way too understanding about it. Instead of ejecting him from the party, he’s like “hey you know have bathrooms right?” And Kevin James is like “yea” and then the subject is never revisited. And I’m sort of like that is not how that would have happened, the police would have been called. And like imagine being those other diners? So like you’re not going to kick him out? You’re just going to talk to him? Okkk

R: It also didn’t give him a private place to do that. I feel like in another movie, they would have given him a place to do that out of view and then he would have been caught, but he was just out in the open, peeing.

S: He was in the center of the restaurant, pissing in a planter. It was so, that’s the other part, that makes these movies so unbelievable. Kevin James as the main character is almost never the one acting most outrageously. Like he’s acting outrageously but so is everyone else here so it make it feel like it’s taking place in a crazy world. In the same way and I keep thinking about and I don’t know why this keeps coming up for me, the moment in Grown Ups where they’re at the water park. I’m having an issue phasing in and out of these movies at this point because they all have the same problems. But when they’re at the water park and everyone’s acting bananas. Where they have that weird scene where they sneaking onto the water slide the wrong way, and they keep going on the water slide and Steve Buscemi is there for no reason and Kevin James steals that kids milk and no one is behaving properly. So are we to believe that this is just a world where no one behaves properly or is the main characters behavior setting everyone else off like a domino effect?

R: I feel like it also diminishes some of the humor of what’s happening. I feel like if everyone thinks it’s normal to pee in a restaurant, where’s the joke? 

S:I completely agree. With no juxtaposition, without a straight man, where’s the joke? It’s just like everyone acting like an asshole and I just think I’m glad I’m not there. Once the lose of decorum is normalized, it’s no longer funny. It’s just like oh, we’re in a gross out world.

[earlywrites]

there’s no place like 127.0.0.1 commentary part I: ‘looking back’

Hey gang! Here’s part one of my commentary on my Angela & Robot fic there's no place like 127.0.0.1, a.k.a. A Weekend At Angela’s, a.k.a. Mr. Robot’s Day(s) Off. This will contain spoilers through Season 3 of Mr. Robot.

To start off, the title of the fic itself I got from a fun piece of set dressing in 3x05:

...which (and I'm probably stating the obvious here, but either way) is a play on 'there's no place like home' from the Wizard of Oz, as 127.0.0.1 is the 'localhost' of any given machine.

“Dolores… Haze?” she says, frowning [...]

I believe this is the codename Elliot would have Darlene stored under on his phone, since it’s a handle she’s used in other areas -- recently, as the name of the network she and Elliot used in the arcade during 3x09:

Somehow, he both feels like he’s been hit over the head with a truck, yet at the same time had the best sleep he’s ever experienced in the scattering of days where he’s been the one in charge. The sleeping pills on the side table aren’t a name he recognizes, and the instructional lettering is all in Chinese, but holy balls did they knock him the fuck out. Seems Angela wasn’t kidding when she said she was committed to keeping Elliot out at all costs.

I did a bunch of reading on DID and several people on the forums suggested sleeping pills as a method to prevent alters from switching over in one's sleep. Ambien and melatonin etc all seemed to also promote sleepwalking as a side effect, especially when combined with alcohol (and this is more relevant in part II), so I took artistic licence and made a fake drug that essentially knocks you out with zero (known) side effects, lol.

Residual self-image. Everyone has a face that only they can see, projected outwards into the mirror. A false idol of confidence, of ego, or a shell of dysmorphia and despair – either way, a lie repeated for so long it manifests into your own monster. Or maybe it’s something as little as a smaller nose or a slimmer waistline, look, ultimately, people like to reject reality and see what they want to see – for better or worse, ‘til death do us part, until every feature is stripped back and washed away, and that face in the mirror is just a skull the world has finally fucked. Technically, his own projection is long dead, but reanimated for a greater purpose – a divine one, even, according to Tyrell and his whole wackjob microreligion thing he’s got going on.

Residual self-image is indeed a term from The Matrix, which Morpheus describes as the 'mental projection of your digital self'. Here, it's a literal way that Robot describes how he and other people see themselves, even if in reality it can be very different. The major theme of this fic was perception versus reality, in that both Robot and Angela are focussed so narrowly on their specific ideal outcomes of Stage 2 that they omit or ignore any signs that the plan will not go exactly their way. This is the first area where I start to address that, and basically continue to hold up a sign in big black lettering that goes HEY ISN'T THIS IRONIC THAT THEY'RE SAYING THIS GIVEN WHAT WE KNOW NOW for the rest of the fic.

Still, he only gets wrapped up in this metaphysical bullshit when he’s in the driver’s seat for an extended period of time, because situations tend to arise that take him on a stroll through Uncanny Valley. For example: he showers and then shaves, but no stubble leaves his jawline. He changes into fresh clothes that Angela has left him, but the label on his jacket still proudly proclaims Mr. Robot: Computer Repair with a Smile! (still not his name, no matter how much Elliot tries to pin it to him). Sometimes he can squint through the mirror, rearrange his focus a little bit, and see this analogue of Elliot staring back at him – eyes half-lidded, the pinched anxiety on his face smoothed out. This is what they all see, which really is a poor substitute for the damn good-looking guy he’s facing off with in the bathroom vanity this morning.

Like, I've always wondered about this. Elliot is always clean-shaven after Robot's been in control for longer stretches of time, so Robot must shave, but we know he always has stubble -- how does any of this work, really? Is the fact that we see Robot's face in the mirror just a product of Elliot's overarching control over what is depicted in the show, and Robot actually sees 'Elliot's face? Who the heck knows, Sam sure as hell probably isn't going to explain it, so I'm sticking to this interpretation for now. And, also, no, Robot's never actually referred to himself as Mr. Robot in the show, going so far as to laugh at the idea of Elliot calling him that name when Krista brings it up in 3x02, which is why I have him rejecting it in here.

He tries watching TV, for a bit, but nothing particularly engaging is on basic cable on a Saturday morning – crappy cartoons (they really don’t make them like they used to), some more bullshit presidential candidate Donald Trump (seriously. This, if anything, is why Stage Two is an absolute fucking necessity to get the world back on track) has regurgitated about taxes or something is being picked apart by no less than twelve ‘experts’ on CNN, and the hysteria continues on four other channels. Only one news channel is actually covering the upcoming UN vote, which is quintessential Americocentrism - like, holy shit, the UN is going to sell a fucking country to China, and all people give a shit about is some failed reality star who can't, apparently, do math beyond a grade-school level. The next channel he tries is airing a repeat episode of Teen Mom, which is about the point where he gives up and switches it off, tossing the remote somewhere down the couch.

I don't know what was on US basic cable on that September weekend in 2015, and neither do you, probably. I do know that, around this time, Trump unveiled his tax policy at a press conference. It wasn't on a Friday/Saturday, but then again, September 29th wasn't actually a Monday, so whatever, I'll take some wiggle room on that.

[...] Darlene doesn’t know about the arrangement between Angela and himself, all he needs is plausible deniability for the knock – sleeping pills on the side table, that’s it, that’s the play, if he bunks down on the couch she’ll believe he was so far under he didn’t hear any of it. Wake up, fidget a bit, Elliot-style – keep it vague, let her fill in the blanks—

I would've loved to have seen the Robot v Darlene route, where Robot plays as Elliot and finds out about Elliot's plan to have him followed, and how things might have played out differently from there, but, that would then diverge from the canon series of events I was trying to keep within. I guess we'll never know!

“I know, that’s why I set up a contingency, give me some fucking credit here,” he argues. “It’s a little self-destructive sequence, a ransomware mimic – forget to key the password into the dialog box that pops up every five minutes and you’ll get locked out, and all the files on this laptop will self-encrypt. Only I have the keys, so even if – if – he manages to resurface, he wouldn’t get far.”

I'm sure this is wildly inaccurate, since I know pretty much nothing about programming, lol. We can't all be Elliot, okay!!!

“Is it possible for you to not be an asshole for like, five minutes?” Angela mutters. “Fine. I’ll—wait, hold on.” She brings up the Netflix home page, typing ollie.p.parker@gmail.com into the email field. “Let’s see if he – nope, hasn’t changed it. Why am I not surprised.”

“This is your ex-boyfriend’s account,” he clarifies. Angela hums the affirmative as she scrolls through his recommended titles – fucking hell, there’s at least three different Adam Sandler flicks alone. “Well, good to know he’s still a fucking moron. You sure dodged a bullet there. Or,” he pivots, reconsidering the context, “I suppose, given how that all played out, got that bullet lodged in you removed before it was too late.”

Fuck Ollie, this is the least of what you deserve, you dickwagon. I had a further scene that I ended up cutting because it dragged down the pacing, where Robot convinced Angela to let him 'hijack' Ollie's Netflix account by changing the email address and password and then getting into his email account to verify the change and delete the notification emails. Anyway, he's probably suffering in the post-5/9 economy, so, suck it dude.

He wrinkles his nose. “Oh, that guy’s in this?”

“Who, Christian Slater?” Angela says, looking up over her phone as the monologue continues. She finishes her text and slides it back onto the coffee table. “Not a fan?”

“Of his works? No, I like them well enough, Heathers is great,” he says, tossing a piece of popcorn in the air. “There’s just something about his face that makes me hate him. You know, when you look at a guy, and he has a face that’s just asking for a fist? This guy. He always looks so smug.” He points an accusatory finger at the TV. “What have you got to be so smug about, huh? Besides the fact that you’re probably jerking off to that fat royalty check in the mail every month. I mean, we all know that’s what all the Hollywood schmucks are doing, tugging it to their stacks of cash, but you don’t have to wear it right there on your face so I’m reminded of the fact every time I see it. And it doesn’t help that he spends half the movie miming the act, it just makes it so stupidly meta, Christ, I need to build a fourth wall in my brain and kick over a bucket of bleach – also, by the way, what the fuck, I can’t believe you actually watched this as a child, you—”

This was probably the most self-indulgent thing I got to write. I love that Christian Slater exists in Robotverse, so that I can exercise the 'character played by actor, who also played a character in another thing, thinks this character sucks/is ugly' trope. If you missed it, here's Pump Up The Volume on VHS in Angela's childhood home in 3x06:

She’s silent, for a moment, and the movie plays on. “It helped, in a way. With my mom. There’s a line, that’s always stuck with me – ‘the terrible secret is that being young is sometimes less fun than being dead.’ See, they don’t approach death in a way that’s nice, and polite, and full of platitudes – it’s angry, and messy, and it’s okay to want to just—” She suddenly leans over to the laptop, clicking forwards a few times.

“I’m sick of being ashamed. I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it.” She mouths along with him. “I mean, you look around, and you see nothing is real, but at least the pain is real. You know, even this show isn’t real? It’s just me, I’m using a voice disguiser, I’m a phony fuck just like my dad, just like anybody—”

If you haven't seen the movie, basically Slater's character is reacting to the news of a teen committing suicide, after they had stated the intention to do so on his show - you can watch this scene here. This is, of course, not a movie a young child should watch, but Angela has always talked about her anger regarding her mother's death, and I thought (aside from the self-indulgent aspect of Robot v Slater, lol) it would be interesting to explore how she might act out, a little, like kids sometimes do to cope with grief and pain, secretly watch a Movie Definitely Not For Kids, and within it find a helpful way to release the anger she bottled up. (Also -- she would've loved the lizard. What a cute little friend.)

Somehow, they keep this train chugging along until well into the night. His pick is next – he chooses Snakes On A Plane, just to fuck with her a bit, but it turns out she just loves snakes, because of course she does, so that backfired somewhat, aside from the fact that Snakes On A Plane is actually pretty fun if you really embrace the hammy acting and ridiculous plot. Angela parries, picking a recent release called Jupiter Ascending, a large proportion of which he spends loudly trying to work out at what point in time since The Matrix Trilogy were the Wachowskis secretly killed and replaced by doppelgänger hacks, as Angela sips her appletini and coos over werewolf-angel(?)-in-rollerskates Channing Tatum. He then counters with Sharknado 3, which is definitely a mistake, and then they have to both suffer through all excruciating ninety-five minutes of it because neither of them are willing to budge on their unspoken cinematic war. A victory for him, maybe, but a Pyrrhic one nonetheless.

Angela does canonically love snakes, so this wasn't intended to be a jab at her manipulation of Elliot this season, but, of course, interpret at as you will. This great piece of characterisation is from the Red Wheelbarrow tie-in book for Season 2 (which is an awesome read, definitely recommend):

Second, the 'cinematic war' is totally one-sided. In my mind, Angela actually enjoyed all the films they watched, while Robot basically fucked himself, lol. Look, Jupiter Ascending is a wonderful, whimsical film, that should be taken at face value for the work of art that it is. Space paperwork! Bee princesses! Eddie Redmayne whisper-screaming as he tries to marry his mother! It's an absolute cinematic treasure. I can't say the same for Sharknado 3, but, well, all in good fun.

“First off, the entire concept of monogamy is bullshit,” he replies, and yes, he is going to actually give her a serious answer. “It’s an archaic evolutionary tactic to boost survival rates among Neanderthals that has no place being the gold standard in 2015, in the same way that we don’t kill a mammoth and spend the rest of the year eating hairy elephant ass for every meal — newsflash, supermarkets exist now, there are like fifty different varieties of beans, literally just beans, so it makes zero sense to pledge your undying commitment to a can of Spam, I mean, shit, even if it’s something you actually enjoy, you’d get absolutely sick and tired of eating it and nothing else until you keel over and die. So, on that note, it’s pretty obvious why most of our parents spend the rest of their lives fucking hating each other if they’re not a part of the fifty percent who cut ties before it’s too late, because, yes, alongside the great lie of the picture perfect nuclear family, the modern factory-line industry of marriage is just a capitalist cash cow where everybody thinks they’re getting milk, but in reality? That sure ain’t a teat they’re sucking on.”

This also comes back to the Red Wheelbarrow tie-in book, and specifically, to this scene in it, where Robot rants to Leon about monogamy in the context of Mad About You:

This is probably my favourite scene from the book -- I love the idea of Leon and Robot having long-winded debates on media, and it's a pity we'll never get to see that acted out, lol.

[...] “Fuck Gosling, fuck Stone, kill Groban. Done.”

“Wow,” Angela replies, leaning back, one hand against her heart. “Wow. You’re such a dick. How can you kill Josh Groban?”

“Breaking news! What a scoop. Angela Moss, come and claim your Pulitzer,” he says. “And, to answer your question: very easily. Groban is clearly the least attractive of the three, and so by the metric of this game it condemns him to death.”

“The correct answer,” she says firmly, barreling over him as if he’d never spoken, “Is fuck Ryan, marry Josh, and, well, if I have to kill someone, I guess I have to kill Emma, but I’m sure she’s lovely. Actually, no, okay, if you get two fucks then I do to. Fuck Ryan, fuck Emma, marry Josh.”

I love Angela's love for Josh Groban nearly as much as getting to see Elliot in that 'Property of Josh Groban' sweater in 3x01. It's never been explicitly stated on the show, but my interpretation of Angela and Robot's sexualities is that they're both bi as fuck, so there you go.

“And, you know what? I don’t want to live in a world where everyone’s as cynical and jaded as you, old man. Because,” she hiccups, ending it in a giggle, “That’s what you sound like, you grumpy fuck, like you’re pushing eighty, not long until you start yelling at kids—” and at this, she cups her hands over her mouth, imitating a megaphone, “Get off my lawn, you capitalist piglets!”

“Okay,” he says, shaking his head, grinning in spite of himself as she yells out “you bourgeoisie microscum!” in a shitty imitation of an elderly man [...]

This is my favourite piece of dialogue in this entire thing. 'Bourgeoisie microscum' fucking kills me every time I read it. Originally I also had 'pushing fifty' as a sly wink at Christian Slater's real age, but no middle aged man has quite the curmudgeonly attitude to pull off 'bourgeoisie microscum'.

That's it for part one, folks! Thanks for reading, if indeed you still are. Click here for part II :D

[re-vised]

#33: Pixels (2015)

Reviewed as part of the 100 Movies 365 Days Challenge

Nurse prepare film for autopsy

No, I'm not going to write a bloody synopsis, the less you know about this film the better. When aliens misinterpret video feeds of classic arcade games as a declaration of war, they attack the Earth in the form of the video games. There direct from IMDB.

This movie is an absolute travesty on every level. It just is ok.

If you like video games, this movie will make you cry bitter tears of betrayal and anger. The premise of this movie taking the things you loved and making a movie doesn't make this a tribute. Unless, of course, you pay your respects to someone by urinating on their grave and setting it on fire. Seriously, even without being a person growing up on Pac-Man and the like, it's pretty depressing seeing Sandler and his ragtag bunch of dropkicks blending up the organs of video game nostalgia for a plot. Not grinding it for laughs, mind you. I think of so many half-assed video games jokes they could have put in this. Basically, the concept is these aliens and very specific rules governing their "games". Rules mind you that change arbitrarily some of the time, and don't make sense half the time, but seriously there are important rules and stuff guys for realsies. Many of these rules are stupid for the reason that there always stupid: Drama or Jokes.

If you like comedy, prepare to get starved for 90 minutes. Some people have the mindset of "oh its cringe comedy, you should laugh at how dumb it is". If you're one of those people, we are two completely different people. Yes, sure I laugh at this movie. But I don't consider this comedy. A funny punchline after a good build up? Comedy. Adam Sandler, as a bumbling socially inept repairman, inviting himself into a closet that a client (who is a stranger) is crying and drinking in, but he just wants to walk in so he can be stupid and inconsiderate because haha cringe comedy amirite? NO NO NO. Not comedy, not at all. What's startling is how completely underwhelming the entire affair is. The jokes are so flat and lifeless and original. There is a joke about how "in the old days we kids socialised", There is a joke about how "I'm not a conspiracy nut but *insert conspiracy*. I didn't see the Space Invader joke coming I'll admit ("Have you been playing Space Invaders?" "Yeah how did you know" "You're Invading my Space"), but now I have to get a power drill to remove those tainted brain cells.

If you like plot, then good luck with this. As previously mentioned the rules change without any announcement or ceremony, and honestly large swathes of the story are just absent. We start off knowing nothing about the villains and suffice to say they keep that mystery going on the entire movie. It reminds me of Batman V Superman in that so much of the script seems to be chasing the excitement and action and special effects, that no time has been put into the lead-up. Yeah, there are a few good action scenes, but even those are insufferably predictable for even me. I often don't pay full attention to films, but even the most exciting scene I could completely map out almost before they even started.

[SPOILERS]

The ending is also impressive. So Josh Gad's character has a super crush on the "love of his life" which happens to be a video game character. Even at that point its creepily infantile but it gets worse. He meets her. Why? HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW SHE JUST WALKS OUT FROM BEHIND A FUCKING BUS. Anyone at the defeat of the aliens, she is dragged away. Josh (fuck you I'm not wasting any of my time looking up his character), gets to the end of the movie a hero, loved by entire planet, but because he doesn't get to screw fantasy twin blades chick, he's all whiny and upset. Why should the kid get a QBert but he doesn't get to screw twin blades. So QBert, arguably the best character in this movie TRANSFORMS INTO TWIN BLADES. THATS RIGHT FOLKS TWIN SWORDS AN AMAZING AND BADASS LADY FIGHTER IS LITERALLY BUNDLED UP AS A PRIZE FOR THE STRONG IMPORTANT MAN. THEN PETER DINKLAGE FUCKS SERENA WILLIAMS & MARTHA STEWART AND PS IN CASE YOU WEREN'T CERTAIN IF JOSH ACTUALLY FUCKS HER THE LAST THING IN THE MOVIE IS A COT FULL OF QBERTS It is put simply disgustingly sexist. I generally don't talk too much about sexism/racism in my reviews because it can depend on the film and context and so many other things (not because I don't care about sex/racism, I do). But honestly, it's pretty hard to dodge around the fact that they matched everyone off to female characters at the end. It's such an infantile grab at more happy ending material. Yeah, they saved the world and everyone in it including themselves, their friends and family, but does it really count if there's no one to give them a handjob I mean really.

VERDICT: 0/5 Pacman Ghosts

Pixels is an embarrassing stain not only of movies and video games but pop culture in general. I dread to think how anyone, not familiar with video games would feel after seeing this movie. There is nothing funny. The story is half-baked. Honestly, I laughed at the movie, but never at its jokes. My feelings regarding this movie (and the fact it turned a profit) swings more to depression and anger than the slightest of joys. It honestly makes me feel gross, thinking about all the video game clothes and posters I have because it feels like it helped lay a path for this horrific death to pop culture. I could go on with gory and terrible metaphors but I stop here. Sandler was good, Happy Gilmore was a great movie, and my first ever DVD. But that was a long time ago. As it stands, I would sooner invite Sandler to sit on a bear trap than financially support his crippling addiction to vomiting all over the entertainment industry.