#it reminds me of a quote that ive never even talked abt with anyone but it makes me very sad every time.

[asakurahaos]

genuinely kinda mad that youtiful sounds like a song a close friend would write for me and its by a random korean-australian dude and aimed at no one in particular instead

[truckfreaks]

had such an funny array of experiences the other night at that bar and I've been reflecting on it and wanting to write about it very much.....

on one hand i saw my friends sibling who i haven't seen in quite a while, and he was more outwardly open and excited and chatty than hes been for probably the whole ten years I've known him. like, he even invited me to his bands show? he never invites anyone! he's notorious in our crowd for being very, like... idk. ive heard lots of things - "particular", "difficult to work with", perfectionist... but he was totally different.

he brought his new boyfriend along, and we all had a long silly talk about sneaking into cons when we were kids, navigating the precarious world of gender soup (he understands my soup probably better than anyone, cis trans or otherwise, that I've ever met! it felt great!), the different creative projects were working on (he went to college for video game soundtrack composition at a really prestigious school - super talented!), got really excited when we realized we never had any idea one another had bugsonas and excitedly shared art of our respective bug guys... oh and his boyfriend recognized Dr. Habit on my phone lock/background?! it was the first time anyone's ever recognized anything SFM related on me in the wild ! so that was cool!

and on the other hand... my friend (his brother)'s girlfriend who i've been trying to give an honest fair shake in getting to know was there as well. and like, i think surface wise most people look at her and assume she's like, very ... leftist? and I'm sure she thinks she is, too. but every time i talk to her she sneaks in some kinda backhanded comment about women. i get a big internalized misogyny plus Italian familial politics vibe. and i found myself talking to her abt similar topics, because she said to me she's never seen her boyfriends brother so animated before! and i said well this might be my personal experience coloring things, but being out makes a massive difference in someone's ability to just, like, exist happily! and she wasn't sure what i meant by that, so i explained, and she was like "oh, well i guess i don't understand why you're choosing to identify in a neutral or masc leaning way but you dress like a girl?" and i explained that first off, i appreciate not getting it, but the first step is recognizing that there is no one right way to be a man or a woman, and if we accept gender nonconforming behavior from cis people then why don't we accept it from trans people? why do i have to be a caricature of manhood for you to see me as transmasc? and it kind of got through to her but... not entirely, because her line of questioning was a little ... invasive and unkind in a bad faith way (i have a LOT of patience for folks who may "get it wrong" but engage with me in a good faith way). like she was tryna play gotcha or something.

and i suppose the juxtaposition - people who are quietly queer suddenly becoming loudly queer and, as a result, happier, vs. people who are vocally supportive, but only when a person fits their narrative of what a queer person should look or act like... well. it was not lost on me!

and it also reminded me that sometimes, when you get a vibe about a person, you should trust your gut! it's ok to think, yeah, this isn't a nice person, im gonna protect myself! because if i continued engaging with her, the conversation might have gone very poorly. it certainly has in the past. (for example, apparently bee and puppycat was, and i quote, "too woke" for her. she got really mad when i laughed about it and realized with horror that she wasn't kidding). i feel bad for my friend (her boyfriend) for being in the middle of it, sorta. he's a easygoing simple dude who is wildly supportive of his brother and however he chooses to identify, and frankly i don't think he knows a whole lot about this side of his girlfriend because to him, he doesn't really seek out those kinda conversations. not obviously that it's never come up, but yeah. i know him well enough to know he doesn't share those feelings with her, and it's always really shocking to me to hear her express them - but always when he isn't around. so much so that in the past when I've expressed concern about it, he didn't believe me at first! (then other folks started saying the same thing.)

idk. life is cool and weird and i am happy to be a cool and weird little guy.

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

F/20. I’ve just realized that I can never befriend guys ever since this happened. I was best friends w this guy, I had other best guy friends before and along this as well but not after. But he was my bestest guy friend, lets call him A. We became friends after a fb chat on 3rd grade, went on becoming friends till 7th grade. We tell each other everything. Our crushes, people we hate, insecurities. Whenever he don’t tell who a story is about, its probably bc its about me. Same for myself. And we figured this code out & often do it. It was ok, things were great. until he confessed he has feelings for me.

I was in the middle of going thru a breakup. The break up happened at 6th grade (i know. I know i was too young but it broke me). I was madly in love with the guy. Lets call him B. A and B are in the same friend group at 7th grade. A used to say that he hates B bc of what he did to me, and bc B was this popular douchy stereotype guy. But somehow they became friends at 7th grade. I felt truly betrayed and confronted him about it, but after a few times I got tired and ignored the whole thing. Before this happened, I had asked him if he ever talked about me with anyone. And he told me that he talked about how pretty I was, as I quote him “I told C (C used to be my best friend as well, A & C are still friends now) that you’re goddamn gorgeous, and C agreed to it. Also I talked w B about u as well but thats confidential.”. So after he confessed, a friend of mine just told me that she has a crush on A and I volunteered to become their matchmaker…when he confessed to me, I was just texting him abt how heartbroken I was towards B. And he suddenly replied w, “idk if you’ve figured it out or not, but tbh rn i really like you a lot.”. And that just, i got so confused. I didnt know how to reply..i forgot what happened, but i think i did told him few weeks after that i had a crush on him but it was a long ago. To be honest, i never had a crush on him. I just didnt want to break any of my friendships. After that, things got a lot weirder..we dont talk much anymore. Ahh i forgot that few months before he confessed, he just broke off his 11 month relationship with one of my best friends. I was their mutual friend & i was the main reason they got together in the first place. At 8th grade, I moved to another school.

I apologized and messaged him on fb about how bad ive been treating him, and then i said that i was into someone but cant say it. Mind that at that time, i was forcing my feelings to like him. And so..he said that he had someone that he liked, so much, but cant share it either. Remember the story code? Pretty sure we both know it was abt each other. And then a few months after we talked again. He sort of sexually harrased me on chat, criticized my boobs and all that. I told him, what the fuck. Few days after told me he was sorry, and I quote him “God, I miss talkinh to you so much.”. And after that no convos anymore. Heard that hes dating someone else. Lets name her D. At 9th grade, I started talking to him again. He was still w D, he got sort of flirty I guess. I thought I liked him, but I never go for someone whos not single so I stopped. Few months later he told me they broke up, said he was out of his mind for wanting to date D. Told me bad things about D. Went back to that code thing again, abt how we like people but cant tell each other about it. At the end of 9th grade, i was like.. fuck it. Ill just tell him that its him, called him on the phone. Did a whole rant about my feelins and said, all this time..it was you. And he FREAKIN ANSWERED WITH, I KNOW…thanked me after that. A few weeks later I figured out he was w someone else when that phonecall happened. Shitttttt. Lets call her E.

E was and probably still, is SMITTEN w A. Its so so obvious. Naturally whenevet i just made a new social media account, Id follow A. And somehow, E WOULD KNOW, and follow me shortly afterwards. I have never talked nor met E before (it was a big school). At 10th grade, we did the whole code thing again. He was obviously still w E, but I was tired of it so I was like, “i do have someone that i like, but its def not u.”. He ignored me afterwards. A few months later, he went to my high school. A and I went to different high schools, but I go with D & E to the same one. I met him at the school hall, didnt expect it at all. He was talking w his friends & there was D as well. I said “Hi A” and he went silent. I just kept walking and i noticed he was still looking at me. At 11th grade, somehow the code thing happened AGAIN, at this point I got tired of it. He had his own squad, already broke up w E but they were in the same squad. I forgot what I told him but i think i told him who i was really nto, which is H (which surprise surprise!!is someone D IS INTO AS WELL) this time I realized that I never had feelings for B ever. He ignored me again. At 12th grade I deleted my ig, made a new one, and he suddenly followed me. I heard that in college he got back together w E which I fully support bc theyre so cute together & E is nice. But the whole thing together just made me never want to befriend guys, idk im just afraid of it. How do i try to fight this?

hello there. I can understand why you have hesitations on making new friends with guys after the history you had with A and the other guys in your life. I think one of things that made the friendship between you and A so strained was because you two kept hinting at having feelings, even if you really didn’t. It sounds like he did have feelings and would try to push you away when you made it clear you didn’t return those feelings. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he wasn’t the best friend to you once he confessed his feelings. 

Sadly, it is harder to be friends with someone of the opposite sex because some of time people become friends with someone with the intentions of becoming more. Don’t worry though, I promise there are guys out there who you can befriend without them trying to be more.

Remind yourself that every guy is not like A. Also, I would make sure when you do make new friends with a guy, that you make it clear you aren’t looking for more. Don’t give him hints or tell him you have feelings if you don’t. As long as both of you are on the same page, there shouldn’t be any issues! It might also help that you are a little older now. That might add a little more maturity to the friendship so that no lines are crossed to make the friendship become messy. 

Remind yourself that there is no reason to be afraid! Friendships can get messy but if you communicate with the other person and are honest about your feelings, then you won’t have to worry about sticky situations. 

I hope this helps and I hope you can make new friends without any reservations because of your past. 

-Demi