#it occurs to me that posting and then deleting to avoid tumblr taking the photo down also means that anyone finding my post

[likeofthesame]

It’s a lovely summer day 🍋

[finsterhund]

Exhaustion and updates

Hoping it's just an issue on twitch's end or the ISP but my test stream had the occasional drop of frames and freezing for half a second. No issues to me but it was present in the VOD.

Really hoping that's not a thing that is going to occur commonly.

Might want to see about getting better upload speed.

But yeah. Expect an update on my computer soon. I've been very busy and very sore and tired from doing errands, setting up my computer (it's a heavy boy) and tons of stuff. Laundry tomorrow and I'm still sore from all the lifting and running around so I'll be out of it for a while still.

I'll be posting photos and stuff. I'm very proud.

I was and still am so anxious about my computer being okay. I'm paranoid about that sorta stuff. There were some hiccups and troubleshooting and I'm sad I didn't get the no CD patch of Heart of Darkness working on it, but it is happy and healthy now.

Spot from my friend arrived too. The black fur on the back is damaged somehow which means not as soft and also shedding. Upsets me a lot but maybe that's a reason to get this Spot a service dog vest.

Also not big enough to be the proposed "giant Spot" but large enough to take on trips and stuff. Good for hugs. So good for hugs. Second favourite Spot after the OG Cuddle Clone Spot.

My computer is a handsome machine. So many lights and fans. Graphics card has lights and fans, heatsink has lights and fan, etc.

Also my friend finally gave me his old monitor officially for real this time. Because I bought it off him. So I actually have space on my desk.

I also fixed my chair. It's still loud and squeaky and broken but at least the back stays up again.

Expect some crisp HoD footage soon. Planning a high resolution death scene video. It's a long time coming.

Also planning to use the absolute beast of a computer to get back into Minecraft and start playing Among Us with friends. I can't tell health wise if I'll be able to finally get into 3D modeling but perhaps. Especially if I can get a new chair or start physiotherapy.

I discovered a way that twitter is broken. If you report tweets for abuse towards you/targeted harassment and twitter decides that the tweets were abuse and against the rules but doesn't think that justifies terminating the entire account, the person who made those tweets is told specifically which ones they were and has their account locked until they manually delete them.

In case you're wondering, yes, that does absolutely inspire them to immediately go right back to targeting the person who got them a slap on the wrist.

Like, if twitter just temporarily banned them and deleted the tweets without explaining which ones they were that would be fine, but not temp banning them and just locking their accounts until they delete the offending tweets literally does nothing except open up the person harassed to more harassment.

Nobody who gets away with harassment and keeps their account is gonna say "uh oh, twitter shook its finger at me I better leave this guy alone."

No wonder the site is so toxic. Not even Tumblr moderation was this horrendous.

Back to positives, I'm hoping once I'm no longer physically and mentally exhausted to start drawing some more again. Maybe with my chair fixed it'll be easier.

A Paper Beast unfolded edition stream is on the horizon, as are HoD speedrunning practice streams. That'll be a good way to iron out whatever weird freezing thing happens.

Now that I no longer am putting away money for my computer I hope to get back to commissioning art. I've sorta lost the drive for it due to my physical and emotional health.

I'm hoping to be more active with friends in the coming months, even though seasonal depression has already started to punch me in the gut.

They already have christmas stuff out. Walmart didn't even have halloween stuff this year they just went straight to christmas. All I can think about when reminded of the holiday is how it's the reason my last dog is dead. I have absolutely no reason to get into any sort of festivities this year and I am dreading how the corporate world is going to smother me with it in a way that is unavoidable.

Don't think I'm even going to celebrate the Winter Solstice this year. It just feels wrong.

Friends are already talking about doing their shopping and getting gifts and I'm walking past the isles in the stores and it just hurts. Just wish this year could just be fall and then spring. No winter.

I know this year is tough for everyone so I don't want to ruin whatever comfort my friends may be getting from the holiday, but it's a painful reminder to me and I was already avoidant of christmas on account of celebrating the Solstice instead. Before I could celebrate christmas with friends who did and had my own fun surrounding it but now all I can think about is how the last light of my life died of a preventable respiratory infection because the emergency vet office was closed. I'm the one who should have died of respiratory issues. That's what I'm predisposed to. Not her. It's one of the most horrific ways to die and I'd only ever wish it on my worst enemies. How many times have I scraped by from viral pneumonia and everything else and when my Zippy gets kennel cough for no fucking reason they just fucking kill her without telling me.

The thing is, the Spot photos are from Christmas so I wish I could just associate it with Spot instead but no.

I meant for this post to be positive primarily but in writing this out I think I've pinpointed why the seasonal depression is so hard on me right now.

My friend and I are going to be watching horror movies in costume on Halloween eating candy so I'm looking forward to that.

A green apple scented Spot is also coming from Lilsprout (same person who made Penumbra) so that's something good to look forward to as well.

I may try weighting and scenting my new Spot who I'm planning to get a service dog vest for. Also if anyone knows how to fix heat damaged fake fur fabric please let me know.

I just wish I could ignore christmas. It's such an alienating and depressing holiday if your loved ones are dead and you feel alone and hopeless.

I've started taking melatonin and it is really helping me sleep. Apparently it causes very lucid dreams. The first night I took it I had a lucid dream that was like I was awake but not. Briefly the new Spot lying beside me shifted into being Zippy (her specifically, not Spot) and I felt such a profound comfort as if she had visited me. I feel that's what Red Spot originally felt like when I was little, thinking this imaginary dog was Spot visiting me.

Was sad when I finally woke up though. Tried to do the thing where I stayed in the dream but my back pain got too bad and I had to get up.

Once I've done the laundry tomorrow and had some time to rest I'm sure I'll be more active online again. I hope. Will is streaming the Seventh Brother on the 30th so a bunch of friends are finally going to see the movie that the tired and weak crying puppy is from.

I don't really have any tasks out of my house to do right now except maybe some more groceries in a couple weeks. Of course my desire to go to thrift stores is ever present. I help buy gas so I should get to go lmao.

Think I'll listen to upbeat music now and then take my medicine. Hopefully less serious updates in the future soon.

For now my test stream is still available in VOD form on my twitch http://www.twitch.tv/finsterhund and I'm planning to upload it to YouTube later.

Take care of yourselves, and if you see stuffed dogs I'm your travels that look like Spot... I am interested. 👀

[gayninjabadass]

Something for the Living

After the read more link you will find a new Desus fic to go along with @irenedrew beautiful Photo edit. I’ll include the Archive link in case that’s your preferred format.

“Daryl sees Jesus sneaking off in the early morning hours and follows him to see what he is hiding.”

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11368692

[Photoedit made by Tumblr user Irenedrew. Please do not repost ,link to another site, or remove watermarks without her consent.

Thank you for collaborating with me.]

***So I was asked to write this fic by my sweet child Irenedrew on Tumblr to go along with her beautiful photo edit. It took me so so long because every time I would be almost done with it I would realize I hated it and delete the whole thing and start over. This being the 4th rewrite I finally said enough is enough and I'm just going to post it. I hope it isn't too boring. Im not much of a fluff writer Im usually all angst but the Desus fandom is full of little angels who love peace and happiness and I wanted to give the people what the want. Now though I have to go back to what I'm good at for the Sad Desus fic contest muahahahaha ( please forgive me) I'll write more fluff after***

Daryl woke up to the sound of shuffling socks on hardwood floor. There was a dull ache between his shoulder blades from sleeping on a pile of blankets and he suppressed a groan. He cracked one eye open and peered through the slit obscured by eyelashes to see what Jesus was doing, the only other occupant in the room, and most likely culprit. It was early yet, Daryl figured he’d have slept another hour if it weren't for the movement on the other side of the room reverberating across the floor directly below his ear. He saw Jesus shrugging on his trench coat and picking up his boots from beside the door. Jesus glanced back towards Daryl and so he quickly relaxed his face and waited to hear the door click closed.

They had stayed in the guest bedroom of Rick's Alexandria home last night. The two men had gone to the Kingdom with a message for Ezekiel from Maggie about trade plans. After their visit was over and they departed back for Hilltop they got cut off by a small herd. Daryl and Jesus didn't even consider taking out the walkers, they were too tired, and it wasn't worth it. So they had to circle around to Alexandria to get shelter for the night.

Daryl had insisted on taking the floor. He knew that there was a perfectly good couch downstairs but he was hoping Jesus wouldn't suggest it. The two shared a trailer in Hillstop, slept near each other on runs, shared their meals together. Daryl had found he couldn't wind down anymore without listening to Jesus’s even breathing. Jesus didn't tell him to take the couch. Daryl hoped it was because the thought hadn't occurred to him rather than because Daryl was so obviously needy. Jesus insisted on giving Daryl nearly all the pillows and blankets he could find, so which ever answer it was Jesus didn't seem to mind.

Daryl rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling. He didn't understand where Jesus would have gone to in his full gear. They weren't planning on leaving until after lunch today, maybe even staying until tomorrow,  they were taking the time while they were here to visit. Jesus wouldn't wear all the extra layers if he just planned on strolling through Alexandria. Suddenly Daryl's gut twisted. What was he up to? Was something wrong? Was he leaving? He hadn't seemed any different than normal but then again Carol never did either and that didn't stop her from taking off. Daryl was invigorated with a sudden energy gathering up his clothes and gear quickly and slipping out the bedroom door to try and see if he could follow Jesus.

Daryl peeked out through Ricks front windows and saw Jesus down the road a bit talking with Aaron. They looked happy not like Jesus was saying goodbye so Daryl waited. They split apart and Aaron continued down towards where Daryl is waiting and Jesus headed off further away. As soon as Aaron passed and there's enough distance Daryl slipped out of Ricks house and walked in the direction he saw Jesus go. Soon Daryl heard a creaking and shuffling sound followed by a soft grunt and thud. He ducked between two houses and spied two small pieces of metal stuck into the beam of the fence high enough for someone to climb over. He knows these are Enids. He had seen her use them a few times but had thought it was good for the girl to go out, he also figured telling a teenager what to do wasn't gonna work so he might as well let her be. She must have let Jesus borrow them or maybe he confiscated them but that doesn't sound like Paul.

Staring up at the top of the fence Daryl counted to 120. 2 minutes of travel time between him and Jesus. He landed on the other side of the fence quietly bending his knees and crouching low to scan the tree line in front of him. There was a pulsing ache in his left knee a feeling he was starting to get used to as it happened more and more often. He shook it off like every other time and pressed onward. It wasn't hard to pick up Jesus’s tracks he was doing nothing to hide them and had only just passed. Daryl kept his pace a little slower than usual, he had longer legs than Jesus and was more accustomed to quick and quiet woods walking, Jesus would probably have to slow down his pace to be as quiet.

Before long a break in the trees shone up ahead of him. Daryl moved sideways along the tree line searching for the right tree to climb by the clearings edge. Daryl scouted out the perfect tree, a sugar maple with thick sturdy branches not too far off the ground. He scaled the tree easily finding a good V in the branches to sit himself in as he gazed out into the field.

Jesus was easy to spot perched lightly on a large rock with his legs crossed and a book spread across his lap. His hand loosely gripping a pencil was fluttering across the page here and there and back. After a little while of watching Daryl figured he must be drawing, his hand wouldn't move like that if he were writing anything. Daryl didn't know that Paul liked to draw. In all the time they had spent together he hadn't talked about it and Paul talked about everything. There was a twinge of betrayal in Daryl's stomach. He didn't know why, it was hardly a big important secret, but Daryl found he didn't like not knowing things about Paul. He wondered how much more there was to learn. Could he dance? Was he a singer? He seemed artsy now that Daryl took the time to consider it. Daryl told himself to focus and shook that trail of thoughts from his head.

The field was overgrown with tall grass and wild flowers and the soft breeze gently swayed them back and forth. Jesus had removed his beanie and his silky shoulder length hair was tucked behind one of his ears falling like a curtain over the other as he bent over his book. Daryls chest pulled at the sight of his concentrated face,his bottom lip pulled between his teeth, and his eyes flickering around the page as quickly as his hand. He glanced up every few moments at a tall purple flower in front of him. After a while Jesus closed his book and got up pulling a knife from his waist and cutting the stem of the flower he was just observing.

Daryl quickly climbed down from his perch and began to make his way back to Alexandria. He wasn't sure how much longer Jesus was going to be out here but he knew he needed to get back before him to avoid having to explain himself. He realized now that Jesus was just enjoying his morning, not running away from him, and he felt foolish for being so dramatic and needy. He planned which Alexandrians he wants to visit on his walk back so that he could keep himself busy and stop his mind from spinning that moment of weakness into something much bigger. “Don't over think it” he heard Paul tell him in his mind. It was one of the most common pieces of advice he threw at Daryl. Sometimes Paul would just blurt that out in a silent moment because he could just tell that Daryl was stewing on something. He hadn't told Paul that the voice in his head reminding him to breath, to not overthink, to relax, had started to sound alot like him.

A few hours later while Daryl was sitting on the porch steps of Aaron and Eric's house enjoying a glass of tea he saw Jesus walking towards Alexandria's small graveyard. Aaron was saying something beside him but Daryl's attention was completely on Paul as he vanished from view. Daryl stood up abruptly startling Aaron into silence. When he looks at Aaron's confused face he isn't sure how to explain himself.

“Jus’ saw Paul down the road a ways, looked like he needed a hand. I’ll catch up with you later” He started off down the road before thinking better of it and turned back to shout “Thank’s fer the Tea.”

But Aaron didn't look put off at all. He was smiling fondly after Daryl and just waved his hand at his thanks “Go, go catch up with Jesus.”

Daryl picked up his pace for most of the distance slowing to a walk once he was closer so that he wouldn't be out of breath when he ran into Jesus. He rounded the corner of the last house before the Gazebo and paused to take in the sight before him. Jesus was crouched in front of a grave. He had an Arm full of green flowers that he was lying delicately on each. It struck Daryl just how many there are now. He thinks back to the people he burried at the Prison and his chest aches for them. T-Dog's grave, the grave for Carol who came back to them, the grave they never got to make for Herschel. Paul was more observant than Daryl gives him credit for because he didn't wait for Daryl to announce himself he just started talking to him.

“Was this an entire family, Monroe?”

“Yeah, Deanna... Reg n’ their two sons Spencer n’ Aiden”

Daryl recalled the names of the dead easily, He couldn't do the same for those still alive. Paul's soft gaze lifted from Deanna's grave to look at Daryl. The spitting image of the Lord bowing before a wooden cross struck Daryl. He felt  the rush of complicated admiration, shame, and confusion that accompanied it. Daryl never called Paul Jesus aloud but in the safety of his own mind he entertained that connection. There was a deep thread somewhere in him, the fear of god left there by his mother, that he had nearly forgotten all together.

“Did they die together?”

Daryl thought Paul's voice sounded a little hopeful when he asked and Daryl could understand why. It would have been easier for all of them that way. No One left behind to mourn their mother or their son.

“Nah, Aiden died right ‘bout when we got to Alexandria. Run gone bad. Don't remember ever meetin’ him. Deanna used to lead this place, was good at it too, she got over run when there was a walker heard rolling through here. Reg got killed a while before that by Pete Anderson.” Daryl remembers this moment. His return with Morgan. He hadn't known what was happening but his instincts kicked in and he was ready to back Rick up in a heartbeat. “Then Rick killed Pete and the same herd that got Deanna got Pete's whole family the rest of the Andersons.” Daryl got off track avoiding talking about Spencer. He can't think of a nice thing to say about the guy. He hadn't grown to like him like Rosita or tried to reach out to him like Michonne. He found himself giving in as he ran out of stalled time.  “Spencer was a little shit always thought he was the smartest guy in the room, tried to cozy up to Negan and throw Rick under the bus, the way I hear it, and Negan gutted him for it. Can't say I miss havin’ to watch my back around that guy and ‘is creepy ass smile. We already met ya when we lost Spencer. You guys could a’ met.”

Jesus gazed thoughtfully over the graveyard listening to Daryl. He started asking Daryl about every individual grave as he laid flowers on them. Some were from before Daryl was at Alexandria but not many. He told Jesus how they died if that's all he knew but he told stories about how they lived when he could. That's what he did for Denises and Olivia skipping over the guilt he still feels over Denise. They stayed like that for a few hours. Slowly walking the cemetery giving attention to those long gone. Daryl found the process uniquely relaxing and the fresh earthy smell of the flowers Jesus brought was soothing. They stopped at Maggie's grave. The one that had been made to throw Negan off and Daryl shivered. Jesus turned to Daryl now noticing his discomfort.

“She doesn't need this now does she? Negan is locked up and he saw her at the fight at Hilltop.“

“I think everyone forgot it was here.”

Jesus noded to that leaning down and pulling the cross out of the ground and stuffing the last bundle of green flowers into the hole left behind.  

“Something living for the living, something dead for the dead.”

Daryl looked quizzically at Jesus not sure what to make of that statement. Paul smiled his knowing way looking up at Daryl through long eyelashes.

“I just mean that these flowers might grow if planted, the ones we left on the other graves won't. They will wilt and sink into the earth. These ones have a chance though, a better monument to Maggie.”

Daryl gnawed on his lip for a moment before pulling his water skin off his belt and pouring it over the newly planted flower.

“Don't they need roots?”

Daryl couldn't  really understand how a flower without roots was going to grow. Jesus didn't treat him like he should have already known he just begins explaining it to Daryl in the same tone he would have for any old conversation.

“ Well some plants can grow new roots, as long as they can still get sun on their leaves and a little bit of rain fall.” Jesus who was usually so calculated was letting his excitement shine through as he talked about the flowers. It was clearly something he really enjoyed. They way he looked at Daryl made it seem like he was talking about something bigger than the flowers. Like he wanted Daryl to understand some deeper meaning and that made Daryl nervous. ”This plant is called  Hoya carnosa  its young yet, that's why the flowers buds are all green but in time it will have white blossoms. I wasn't planning on planting any of them. I grabbed them while they were still green because green is for release.“

There was still that gnaw of self doubt but Daryl thought he may have never been this interested in flowers in his life. He almost didn't recognize the sound of his own voice when he asked Jesus about them.

“Whats white for?”

Jesus is smiled brightly more than happy to explain which started a swell of pride in Daryl's chest.

“Well... white is for innocence, purity, honesty...”

Daryl snorted cutting off his list.

“Yeah it’s good for Maggie.”

Jesus beamed at Daryl

“Yeah it is. What should we do with this now?”

Daryl looked at the cross in Jesus’s hands. Soft sun bleached wood with Maggie carved carefully across the center. He reached out a dirty hand and ran a finger across her name.

“I got an idea.”

A few hours later sitting on the floor of Aaron's garage Daryl looked over his work with a critical eye. Now the cross had been repurposed. Maggies name still sat at its center but the top of the cross had Herschel's name descending vertically towards hers. The left point had Beths name and the right Glenns. Jesus emerged from within Aaron's house carrying a reef of dried flowers.

“I found one. I knew that there would be one stashed in somebody's attic.” He approached Daryl looking down at the cross that lay by his feet “Her father and sister?”

Daryl nodded taking the reef from Jesus and bent down. He lodged the bottom of the cross through the reef so that the circle of flowers frames all four names just the very tips of the three top most points extended beyond it.

“Maggies Irish aint she?”

Jesus nodded. “Celtic cross?”

Daryl nodded. They looked up eyes meeting. They had been focused on their work for the past few hours but now time seemed to stop. Paul had ditched his scouting layers earlier now he stood before Daryl in the dimming sunlight wearing a loose billowing white shirt and cargo pants. His hair draped around his shoulders. His blue eyes were boring right into Daryl's and all the air seemed to leave his lungs. His brain short circuited and he blubbered out the first thing he thought.

“Ya look like a flower.”

Jesus let out a surprised laugh tucked his hair behind his ears and met Daryl's eyes again curiosity all over his face.

“Any particular flower?  Or just in general?”

He was teasing Daryl but instead of his normal annoyance Daryl felt a warm swelling feeling bubbling up from the pit of his gut and spreading until he felt like he couldn't swallow.

“Ah, I dunno. Was stupid I just think.. Yer ya know. Pretty... for a ninja prick.”

A scarlet blush blazed across Daryl's cheek and chest and he would run if his feet weren't frozen to the floor. He couldn't believe he just said that. The insult tacked on the end did virtually nothing to mask the affection. He couldn't stew too long on how dumb he felt because Jesus was smiling at him and suddenly Daryl couldn't remember what he was just mad about.

“Thankyou Daryl” If Daryl didn't know any better he would think Jesus just blushed too, it's been a hot day he reminded himself. “Come on’ Its getting late we can't head back to Hilltop tonight. Let's go settle in at Ricks, I have something for you.”

Daryl watched after Jesus as he turned to head back towards Rick's home. His heart was beating too fast so he paused a moment taking his time to gather up Maggies gift and turned to start cleaning up his mess. In the door that connects the garage to the house was Eric's head peeking out with Aaron's right above it. Daryl froze in place heart hammering all over again.

“Daryl go! Go! We can clean this up.”

Daryl was speechless looking at the two men in front of him as they fluttered about the garage grinning and elbowing each other. Eric puts his small hands on Daryl's shoulder and lightly shoved him out into the street. Daryl turned back just as he heard the automatic door start closing. As it descended Eric crouched to stay visible waving his hands towards Rick's house chanting “Go!” over and over again while Aaron laughed somewhere further back in the garage. The door settled against the ground and Daryl had no idea what just happened. He shifted Maggies gift to his other hand and started heading towards Rick’s.

Daryl walked up the stairs slowly his stomach doing somersaults. This is ridiculous. He spends more time with Paul than anyone else and this has never happened before. Sure sometimes seeing Paul doing some really badass ninja shit will make Daryl grin but thats because its really cool. And yeah maybe the smell of Paul as he walks by right after his shower when his hair is still wet gives Daryl goosebumps but that doesn't mean anything does it? Daryl had made it to the door where he stood now uncomfortably, he wanted to run the other direction. Paul was facing away from him by the window but turned around to greet him when he heard him approach. In his hands he held a small clear vase with three purple flowers. He looked concerned as he stepped forward.

“Hey” His voice was gentle he moved forward until he stood right before Daryl. “ Not a fan of surprises huh? You look nervous.”

Daryl ran a hand over his face and shifted his weight between his feet. He had no idea what he wa doing. Paul looked at thim with those big beautiful eyes and Daryl was terrified. He didn't answer and Paul took a step closer holding the flowers between them.

“These are Delphinium commonly called Larkspur. They represent big heartedness and Levity.”

Daryl stared down between them at the delicate cluster of small flowers on each of the three stems. He had seen flowers like these before. They attracted a lot of butterflies and when he was a kid he sat near some in the woods just to watch them. Daryl still hadn't said anything his mind racing and his mouth dry. Paul spoke again.

“They are for you Daryl, these are your surprise. Not so scary right?”

Paul was standing so close to Daryl he worried the flowers would be crushed between them. He knew he needed to say something. Anything.

“How’d ya know so much ‘bout flowers?”

JPaul pulled the vase he holds a little closer to his own chest. Looking at the ground for a moment before answering with much less enthusiasm.

“Ah it's just something I picked up. At first I was trying to learn about what you could eat or use for medicine but I really liked learning about all the symbolism behind giving flowers. I hadn't realized back before just how much every specific flower meant. Why people picked the flowers they did for weddings and proms and all that.”

Paul’s expression was guarded and Daryl realized he hadn't accepted the flowers or thanked him and now he was positive he needed to get out of there. He didn't know how to escape without making everything worse than he had already made it.

“I like stars.”

Daryl wanted to cut his tongue out. What is with the word vomit? Why does he keep saying stupid shit without thinking first? Never what Paul needed to hear just whatever dumb useless thought was passing through his brain. Paul looked interested tilting his head a new twinkle in his eye.

“You like stars?”

Daryl tried to think quickly and pull his foot out of his mouth.

“Yeah, they got meanings like flowers. Constellations ain't just for guiding ya when yer lost. They got stories. When I was a kid I got lost in the woods for 9 days eventually found my way back. Ain't no one knew I was gone. Thought I’d learn about them stars like Harriet Tubman, we was learnin’ about that in school ‘fore I stopped goin’ but then I found all them stories ‘bout why they got named the way they did. Ended up liking that more than knowin where I was goin’”

Paul  had a small smirk that twitched as he is tried to contain it.

“Right. Like me and the flowers. Started practical ended up fun.”

Daryl felt relief rushing through his veins “Yeah like that.”

Paul couldn't hold back the smile anymore  “A Lot of things start out practical and end up fun.” Daryl didn't know where this conversation was going anymore. He was still worried that maybe he should take the flowers from Paul’s hands.“Like for example, we started spending time with each other because it was practical. You were safer at Hilltop back then, didn't know very many people , you were avoiding Maggie and Sasha…. but now. It's fun.”

That lump returned to Daryl's throat. Spending time with Paul had been fun. It had been more than fun, it was amazing and he couldn't tell if Paul was teasing him or if he liked spending time together as much as Daryl did. Daryl grabbed the flowers from his hands and side stepped to place them on the dresser. Paul leaned against the door frame his face a mask of concentration as he watched Daryl. Daryl leaned his head down between his shoulders and took a deep breath. He was getting overwhelmed this happened once in awhile around Paul. He thought they might be tiny panic attacks but he would never ask anyone how you could tell. Instead he just rubbed the sweat from his lip onto his forearm and tried to focus on the grain of the wood in front of him. Just like all the previous times Paul could sense something change and gave Daryl space.

“I’m going to wash up alright?”

Paul asked even though he didn't need to as he passed Daryl heading for the bathroom attached to their shared room. As soon as the door closed behind him Daryl slid down on to the floor, leaned his head back against the dresser, and sighed.  Across the way on the bed side table Daryl saw the same book Paul was carrying this morning. Daryl turned his head waiting until he heard the sound of the shower running before he got up and moved over towards the bed. He sat down with his back to the small attached bathroom and ran a dirty finger over the worn leather cover of the journal. It's page's were weathered, no longer lying flat and orderly between the covers.

Daryl picked the journal up and flipped it open. The first page said ‘Paul Rovia’s Guide to Flowers’ in a delicate and neat script. Daryl smirked seeing his real name scrawled so neatly. He would have expected it to say Jesus. As he continued to flip through the book Daryl saw a lot of flowers he recognized and some he didn't. The drawings were simple and clear pencil sketches not all of them included color but the ones that did leapt off the page with their depth and detail. On the page opposite the drawings were lists of information, flower meanings, details about where they grow or what they can be used for. When Daryl reached the last page he found a beautiful colored sketch of the very flowers Paul brought him. The opposite page lists the meaning he had been told but it continued, the list of meanings much longer than Paul had explained. It also said “desire for laughter,strong attachment, affection, first love”. Daryl nearly jumped out of his skin when Paul’s voice came from behind him. He had been so absorbed he hadn't heard the shower turn off.

“I might have left a few details out.”

Daryl looked over his shoulder sheepishly and saw that Jesus’s wet hair was leaving the shoulders of his soft green T-shirt damp. Paul worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he gauged Daryl's reaction.

“Sorry… I..”  Daryl fumbled for the right words and clumsily closed and returned the journal to the table. Jesus sat delicately on the very edge of the bed on its opposite side looking at the comforter he pinched between his fingers.

“No don't apologize, it's not a diary. I planned to tell you the whole meaning when I picked them. But then you looked so uncomfortable so I thought maybe now wasn't a good time.”

Jesus peeked up at Daryl and lifted one side of his mouth in an insincere smile. One he only used when he wanted to make sure Daryl was comfortable even if he himself was not. Daryls heart ached. He wanted to reach out and touch the scout but like earlier he felt paralyzed by his uncertainty. Also like earlier that paralysis did not extend to speech.

“‘member when I told you ‘bout the farm?”

Paul’s eyebrows pulled together and he nodded. He learned some time ago how to talk to Daryl. Even if he was confused about the things he said or the direction he took the conversation was unexpected he just went along with it. So he began piling his hair into a bun and pulled his legs up onto the bed so he could face Daryl completely.

“Yes, Herschel's farm? Where you met Maggie and got shot by Andrea.”

It still amazed Daryl how closely Paul listened.

“ya, well … when I was lookin’ for Sophia I was real stuck on it. I couldn't let it go. Just kept thinkin’ ‘bout how long I’s out there, younger than her. I thought if we ain't found no body then she ain't dead. I was out searchin’ with a bandage still on my head.  Rick was right though,  she ain't a Dixon, ain't been taught those skills. After a day or two we shoulda been lookin for a body walking or not. Thing was everyone else agreein’ with Rick didn't matter none. I wasn't gonna give up on her. She had somethin’ I didn't, people lookin’ . Carol gave up though. Told me to give up to. I was so angry. I went and I found a Cherokee rose. I brought it to her, told her her baby was still out there, that we was gonna find her. You know the story of the Cherokee rose? Didn't see it in ya book.”

Paul leaned against the head of the bed listening intently with warmth in his big eyes.. He shook his head ‘no’ unwilling to interrupt Daryl those times when he did choose to share this much as seldom as they usually are. Now that he had paused speaking though Daryl began to feel the waves of uncertainty washing back up against him. Paul leaned forward over Daryl to pick up his journal and pulled a pencil from the drawer. The sudden proximity froze Daryl's breathing. Pauls wet hair smelled of vanilla the scent still wafting after he pulled back. Daryl felt those familiar goosebumps trailing from the back of his neck down his spine.

“Will you tell me about It?“

Paul gently encouraged Daryl to continue his eyes imploring Daryl not to shrink away. He held his pencil readily against the blank page and patiently waited. They spend the next few hours as the sun completely sets recording the story of the Cherokee rose by candle light and basing the drawing of it off of Daryl's descriptions. When it's finished Daryl found that he and Paul were leaning against each other huddled against the head of the bed with the journal balanced where their thighs touch. When Daryl turned his face to look at Paul he saw that there was only about 2 inches between their faces. His eyes roamed the younger man's features flicking from his full lips, to his sparkling candle lit sea blue eyes, down the slope of his delicate nose, and back around.

“I have something to tell you.”

Paul's eyes were unwavering his voice nearly a whisper as it drifted the small distance between them. Darlys heart filled with anticipation.

“When we went to the kingdom I visited with Carol.  Or well�� she sort of demanded that I come see her. She had Sheva with her. She told me to sit on the floor. I thought she might feed me to the tiger.” Jesus smiled at the memory his gaze inward as he tells the story “she is very protective of you ya know. She cares alot about you. I think I can see why. You guys were close from the start. After she was done trying to intimidate me she told me that the best way to talk to you was with actions. That you trusted what you could see with your own eyes more than what people said.” Paul emerged from his inward thoughts his eyes alert again as they roamed Daryls face, the distance between them was filled with electricity. “I know how you think, if I tried to tell you how much you matter to me you'd run. It's why I gave you those flowers instead.”

Paul looked like he expected Daryl to run now. Daryl didn't want to run though. In the soft candle light with whispered voices it feels safe to let Paul in. Daryl wanted to tell Paul that he matters to him too. That he's all that matters some days but his mouth was still dry and the words sound wrong in his head. Daryl felt so grateful in that moment realizing how much effort Paul puts in always thinking about how to make Daryl comfortable. Daryl wanted to do the same for him. Before he can over think it Daryl reached up and pulled the hair tie from Paul's bun. His hair that's mostly dry fell in waves around his face. Daryls hand wove into the locks of hair just behind his ear and his thumb traced the line of his temple. Paul’s breath caught in his chest and his eyes fluttered closed.

“I'm sorry, I'm no good at takin’ care a ya”

Daryl felt naked as he spoke. The vulnerability not unwelcome but new and exhilarating. Paul’s eyes opened again and he raised a hand to rest against Daryl's wrist, trapping his hand against the side of his face. He pressed his nose into Daryl's palm and whispered his reply back, the movement of his lips a gentle dance against Daryl's rough skin.

“You really have no idea how much you've already done for me.”

Daryl was surprised when he felt tears stinging his eyes. He was feeling cracked open and yet more whole than he has ever felt before. He tried to pull his hand back to rub at his eyes but Paul stopped him.

“Please, let me”

The hand that wasn't holding his own lifted to lightly trace the lower lid of each of Daryl's eyes. The gentle touch bringing more tears out rather than stopping them. Daryls mind has started spiraling away.

“You're too good Paul. You deserve someone like you. I ain't… I... never done nothin’ like this.”

His words are silenced by the press of Paul’s lips. A chaste feather light kiss that lasted only a second but stole all the air from the small space between them.

“My mother told me once, before she died that we don't choose who we love. I’ve never met a man who's got a bigger heart than you. I don't mind going slow. We can figure this out together. I'm scared too. Just...don't run from me...please. I’ll give you space when you ask for it.”

Daryl couldn't believe how badly he wanted Paul's words to be true. He wanted to be the things Paul says he is. He wanted to deserve the gentleness and affection and he found it easier than he ever thought just to let go and accept it. His head tilted forward of its own volition and tucked against Paul's neck. The contented sigh that passed Paul's lips further reassured him that this really was as right as it felt. They became a mess of tangled limbs pressing as close together as they could manage holding each other tightly and whispering little confessions back and forth.

First Paul “I think you're arms are sinful temptations and your hatred for sleeves

Is going to kill me.” Then Daryl “If Jesus really did look like you it ain't so hard to figure why so many people followed him.” Paul again “Sometimes when you're in one of your moods I hide your things in the trailer to get you to talk to me.” Daryl already knew that. He had figured it out the third or fourth time it happened but he had let it slide because most of the time he really did want to talk to Paul he just didn't know how to start and Paul's antics provided them both a solution. It was Daryl's turn again  “ When I first started staying with ya at Hilltop, right after the Sanctuary, I had nightmares. Worst ones a my life. I always woke up and heard ya breathing. Can't sleep without it no more. S’why I didn't wanna sleep on the couch.” Their voices grow drowsy as they pass little truths back and forth until eventually they fall asleep.

Daryl woke up first and for a moment he didn't know where he was. Paul's head was resting on his chest his hair tickled Daryl's nose. Daryl smoothed the hair away from his face and woke Paul with the movement. His whole body froze above Daryl's as he recognized the position they were in. Slowly he picked his head up to face Daryl. He kept his face a careful neutral.

“Mornin’”

Paul dropped his head dramatically after Daryl's greeting.

“Oh thank the Lord. For a second I thought I woke up first.”

Daryl didn't understand why Paul wouldn't want to wake up first.

“Jus’ woke up myself. Second ago.”

“ Good then I didn't make you wait.”

He smiled after he said it but Daryl could see through him to the nervousness underneath. It was so early, the bed was so warm, the calm feeling hovered around him like a fog and he smiled as he realized he is the cool headed one in this moment.

“Yer eyes are buggin worse than a rabbit caught in a trap. We fell asleep in the same bed. Ain't like we gave each other sponge baths. Relax.”

Paul laughed a full bellied laugh clearly caught off guard. When he responds he sounds much more like his confident self.

“ If I’d realized it was an option…”

Daryl hit Paul over the head with the pillow to his left and they both laughed. Daryl wasn't sure if they were a couple now but he was excited to find out.

[sampagu]

How to Stop Cyber Bullying ?

Cyberbullying occurs when electronic communications such as text messages, emails, instant messages, and social media updates are used to threaten or humiliate someone. People of any age can be cyberbullied, but it happens most often to adolescents and teenagers. Its consequences can be just as serious as the effects of bullying that occurs in person. Cyberbullying is never the victim’s fault. If you’re being bullied, you can deal with it by blocking the bully online and reporting the incidents to an authority figure.

Part1

Identifying Signs of Cyber Bullying

1

Look for signs of harassment. Whether you’re concerned that you may be getting bullied yourself, or you’re a parent concerned that your child is being bullied, watching out for a few indicative signs is a good way to detect cyberbullying. Cyberbullying often takes the form of one person harassing another through emails, instant messages, text messages or other modes of electronic communication. Harassment is taking place if the bully is directly contacting someone with one or more of the following types of messaging:[1]

Hateful or threatening messages. This includes name-calling, attempts to control someone’s behavior by threatening to expose embarrassing information, or threats of violence.

Embarrassing or threatening images or videos.

Multiple unwanted emails, instant messages, or texts, regardless of the content.

Lies about the person to make them look bad.

2

Look for signs of public online humiliation. Another common form of cyberbullying occurs when the bully harasses a target by way of public embarrassment, rather than directly contacting the victim. Cyberbullies may use public tactics, like spreading rumors and gossip using social media, text messages and other tools.[2] Other means of public humiliation via online platforms include:

Posting humiliating messages on a social media site, a blog, or another public space.

Sharing pictures or videos that are embarrassing or explicit in nature on social media websites and through text messaging.

Creating a website filled with defamatory images, insults, and rumors about the target.

3

Look for signs of online impersonation. A less obvious, but equally harmful form of cyberbullying takes place when the bully attacks someone by impersonating them as a way to bring about humiliation or punishment. In some cases the bully may create a screen name nearly identical to the screen name used by someone else, then use that name to create embarrassing or threatening situations for them.[3]

In this case it is more difficult to identify the perpetrator. Report the impersonation to the website or your service provider.

Part2

Taking Action to Stop the Bullying

1

Ask the bully to stop their behavior. Some bullies start out as a friend, an ex, or someone else you know well. If it’s possible to have a reasonable discussion with the person, ask them to stop.[4] Have the conversation in person, not through email or text. Be clear and direct, and say something like, “I saw those things you said about me on Facebook. That’s inappropriate and it hurt my feelings; I’d like you to stop saying those things about me.”

If you don’t know who the bully is, or if you’re being bullied by a group of people, attempting to talk it out probably won’t work.

2

Don’t respond to the bully’s messages. If talking it out won’t work, don’t directly respond to the text messages, instant messages, emails or other communications you may have received from the bully. Bullies want to elicit a reaction from their targets, so firing back a text will only make things worse. Your best course of action is simply to disengage.[5]

Also, don’t threaten the bully to get back at them. Sending a threatening message out of exasperation will only provoke the bully to keep up the bad behavior, and it may get you in trouble, too.

3

Save the evidence of cyberbullying. Screenshot or save every email, text, instant message, social-media post, and any other evidence of cyberbullying that you come across. Record the time and date that each message was sent. If you can’t screenshot the offensive messages, you can copy/paste them and save the text on your hard drive.[6]

Having as much information as possible about the bully’s behavior will help you determine how to stop their behavior.

You can also show this evidence to an authority figure to prove that you’re being bullied.

4

Block the bully on all online platforms. Immediately put an end to the bully’s ability to harass you online by blocking that person from direct communication with you. Take advantage of social media sites’ privacy settings to make sure the bully can’t engage with you online anymore.[7] Take the following steps to protect yourself:

Delete the person from your email contacts and block instant messaging communication.

Delete the person from your social networks and use the online privacy settings to ensure that the person can’t get in contact with you again.

Block the person from texting your phone.

Part3

Getting Outside Help

1

Tell a trustworthy adult that you’re being cyberbullied. If you’re a child or teenager, ask an adult for help. Your parents, teachers, principal and school counselor are all in a position to put a stop to the situation before it goes any further. Don’t assume the problem will go away on its own; speak up immediately to put a stop to it.[8]

You might be tempted to let the bullying run its course instead of bringing attention to the problem, but if you do that the bully will get the message that there’s no penalty for harassing someone.

2

Talk to your school administrators if you’re being cyberbullied. Tell a person in authority what’s going on, and explain to them the ways in which you’re being cyberbullied. If you’re not comfortable talking to a principal, talk to your favorite teacher or the school counselor. Every school has a policy for dealing with bullying, and more and more schools have a specific plan for putting a stop to cyberbullying.[9]

No matter what your school’s individual policy might be, it’s part of the administrators’ job to resolve the situation.

If you’re a child or teenager, know that taking this issue to the school is the right thing to do. Other kids at the school may be experiencing cyberbullying, too. The school needs to be made aware of the problem to take steps to end it.

If you’re a parent, set up a meeting with the school principal to address the problem head-on.

3

Report the bully to your service providers and social media sites. Cyberbullying usually violates the terms of service laid out by social media sites, cell phone providers, and other service providers. Read up on your providers’ policies and take steps to report threatening behavior. The provider may decide to penalize the bully or delete their account as a result of your report.[10]

You may have to send your records of the cyber bully’s messages to the provider as proof you are being bullied.

4

Contact law enforcement for cases of severe bullying. In some cases cyberbullying may be classified as a crime, which places it beyond the jurisdiction of schools and service providers.[11] If the cyberbullying involves one of the following elements, call your local police department, or report to the officer stationed at your school.

Threats of violence or death.

Sexually explicit photos or descriptions of sex acts. If the images are of a minor, this may be considered child pornography.

Secretly-recorded photos or videos that were taken without the subject’s knowledge.

Hateful texts or online messages that single out and harass the victim on the basis of race, gender, religion, or sexual identity.

Part4

Preventing Cyber Bullying

1

Avoid sharing sensitive personal information online. Cyberbullies often use pictures, status updates, and personal information they find online to harass their targets. It’s fine to share information about yourself online, but never reveal something you don’t want the whole world to know.[12] Even if you want to have a serious, personal conversation with a friend, do so in person, not over tweets, Facebook posts, or Instagram comments.

For example, don’t take an explicit photo of yourself to post on a private Tumblr page.

Information typed into a Facebook comment, Tumblr post, or Instagram comment could land in the hands of a cyber bully. Try not to discuss deeply personal information online.

2

Don’t participate in cyber-bullying behavior. If you’re feeling marginalized or picked on, it’s tempting to channel those negative feelings into bullying activities, to give yourself a sense of power. But, even if you’re the one doing it, cyberbullying is still wrong. Your behavior can influence other people’s actions, so make it clear that you don’t stand for cyberbullying by setting a good example for others.[13]

If your friends start teasing someone online or via text, don’t participate. Ask them to stop, and let them know that cyberbullying has the same dangerous consequences as in-person bullying does.

3

Install parental control software or apps on your PC and smartphone. This software or app will block attempts at bullying and keep your child from seeing inappropriate online content.[14] If you don’t already have this, then ask your parents about installing it.

If you’re a parent, then go ahead and install protective software—or turn on privacy apps—as a protective measure.