#it might be a wr skin so a loss for me BUT !!!! i get my dark brown/black wavy hair talon so WE'RE SO BACK

[mercless]

i have no lore or other content but dw im already cooking

[meetthemoosemonster]

Summary:

AU where Ranboo goes to Sam and asks him to Lock him up in the prison to stop himself from doing what ever hes doing when hes sleep walking. AKA Ranboo tries to make a self destructive decision, and Sam is a Responsible Adult, and offers him support. Also, Sam has four arms because I think thats perfect for his character, fight me.

Note: If any of the creators mentioned in this state that they are uncomfortable with this fic, or the topics in this fic being written about them, I will take it down as soon as I know. Also, this is based off the characters, and not the actual content creators.

CW: Panic attacks Mild injury Mentions of prison Manipulation(but just c!Dream being himself) If I missed one please tell me so I can fix it!

Enjoy the fic!

Fic under cut for anyone who doesn't want to leave tumblr.

And remember, reblogs fuel the writing braincell!

The ding of someone joining a voice call echoed in Ranboos ears

"s- Sam?" The enderboys hand shook over the button that summoned the Warden to the entrance of Pandora's Vault. He was hyper aware of the buzzing purple particles that surrounded his lanky form, and the uncontrollable vwoops and crackles that came from his mouth.

"Ranboo? I told you you weren't allowed to visit the prison anymore. You need to leave. Now." Sam's voice was hard, the voice of a Warden. Ranboo felt a year streak down his face as he choked back a sob. For once his mind was silent.

"I-" Ranboo took a shaky breath. "I don't want to visit, Sam."

"Then why are you here?" Concern glinted through Sam's warden persona, his voice softening ever so slightly. "I know you said you couldn't tell me what's up with you, but I can help Ranboo. It's ok if you need help." Another vwoop mixed with a sob escaped Ranboos throat, and he sunk to the ground in front of the nether portal. 

"I- I-" Ranboo couldn't continue, and just squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to stop the tears that boiled his skin as they ran down his face.

"Ok, I'm coming out ok? I'll be there in a second." The boy curled up on the blackstone floor didn't say anything Sam could decipher, but the four armed man vaguely recognized that Ranboo had mumbled something in void. The sound of the nether portal geared up, and Sam walked out of the purple swirls to see the enderman hybrid curled up on the floor vibrating, his jaw slightly unhinged.

"Ranboo? Ranboo, what happened? Why are you here?" The Warden voice was gone now, and Sam could only stare down at the black and white form of a shaking child, concern furrowing his brow. 

Ranboo looked up, a scared, no, terrified look etched in his face. Ranboo tried to wipe his tears away, flinching at the pain. 

"I-" Ranboo could barely stay sitting up with how hard his body was violently shaking. "I ne- eed to y- you to l- lo- lock me up- p, p- please." More tears spilled out of his eyes, and Sam immediately dropped to the ground at those shaky words. Sam carefully put 2 of his arms behind the shaking figure next to him, trying to offer support. Ranboo flinched at first, not comprehending what Sam was doing. But then he fell back into the arms, letting them hold him up.

"Why would I lock you up? What ever happened with the books you signed doesn't warrant being put in the prison?" Ranboo tensed at the words, but Sam couldn't tell if it was the mention of the books, or the prison that caused Ranboos reaction. "Ranboo, seriously, what's wrong? I promise I won't be upset if something happened." Ranboo just shook his head repeatedly, and pulled his knees closer to his chest. 

"You k- know how I have a r- really bad me- memo- memory?" Sam slowly nodded, and Ranboo continued. "Well, I've been hav- having these l- long periods of t- time that I don't remember anything, and and and," Ranboo paused, and took a deep breath. "And my tools have been used, and things are missing, and I don't have anything wr- written down in my memory book." Ranboo looked cautiously at Sam, how nodded gently as if to say 'go on'. Ranboo swallowed. 

"A-and I'm, I- I think I've been helping D- Dr- Dream when I'm like that…'' More choked sobs mixed with enderman sounds echoed on the walls, and the vibrating particles buzzed like angry bees in Sam's ears. He could hear his heart beating louder in his chest at Ranboos fearful confession. But Sam pushed down the shock, and tried to comfortingly shush the boy. 

"Shhh, Shhhh, it's gonna be ok Ranboo. You obviously didn't want to h-"

"I blew up the community house Sam." Ranboos' voice sounded resigned now, his body and brain exhausted from the panic that still coursed through the kid's body. Sam didn't know what to say, he looked stunned. Sam had been on the server for a long time, longer than most of the people who now inhabited this world. He had memories of the community house, before all the wars, all the chaos and pain and violence that plagued the Dream SMP. When he'd seen it had been blown up, he had to mourn for a bit, mourn the symbol of a more peaceful past.

"And Dream gave me one of Tommy's disks. At- At least that's what Dream told me. Or his voice. I- I don't know what's real anymore anyway." Ranboo said the last sentence in Void, too tired to even notice that he was slipping into his native tongue. Sam retracted his arms, still shocked. Ranboo noticed the loss of support and just laid his head on his knees and closed his eyes, not really caring what happened next.

"Ranboo…" Sam trailed off and they just sat in a tense silence. After a couple seconds Sam shook his head to clear it. "Ranboo, what do you mean Dream's voice?"

"I hear his voice in my head s-sometimes. He usually tells me what I did, where I hid evidence, what I'm doing wr- wrong." Ranboos body was still tense, but he was eerily still and quiet in contrast to how he was a few minutes ago. Then Sam felt Ranboos red and green gaze meet his, urgency in his eyes." Sam, you need to lock me up, I can't be allowed to do anymore harm. I'm too dangerous. Please Sam, please, you have to, it's the only way. I can't stop it on my own, I don't know how." Ranboo was crying again, his face tightening in pain. "...please…" Ranboos' voice cracked, and he hung his head again, not even reacting when Sam carefully wrapped all 4 of his arms protectively around the half enderman.

"I'm not gonna put you in the prison, Ranboo. You're a kid." Sam's voice was tight with anger at Dream, at the server that had told these children that it was somehow their fault, and that their slip ups were worse than all the adults' slip ups.

"But I can't be trusted, I'm going to hurt someone, I can't hurt anyone." Ranboo leaned against Sam anyway, yearning for comfort, even if he thought it was gonna the last time he'd get it.

"There are other ways to make sure you don't do something bad when you black out. We'll figure it out, but I'm not letting you in that prison. You're just a kid." Sam reached around Ranboo and got out his comms. "Is there anyone I can ask to watch you to make sure you don't run off until we figure out a better system? If not I can stay with you for a bit." He looked down at Ranboos split colored hair, the boy curled up in his embrace.

"I don't know, I- I don't want to bother anyone." 

"Ok. But you're not bothering anyone, you're asking for help. How about this, you're staying with Techno and Phil in the snow biome right now, right?" Ranboo nodded hesitantly. "I'm going to message them telling them that you're with me, and you might need someone to watch over you for a couple days. We'll figure it out from there, ok?" Ranboo stirred slightly. a soft him of agreement came from the boy, and Sam smiled slightly as he typed out the message to Technoblade and Philza. "You're going to be ok, I'm gonna to help you. You're safe now." Slowly Ranboo dozed off in Sam's arms. After a bit Techno showed up at the prison, looking concerned, even though he still stood with the confidence of a man who could blow up nations without a second thought. The Blades face softened when he saw Ranboo sleeping peacefully in Sam's arms. Sam looked up and smiled.

"Good, you're here, my arms were going numb." Sam joked quietly, then he carefully stood up softly shook the enderboys shoulder to wake him up. Ranboo blinked as he tried to wake up, but he was still exhausted and sleepy. 

"Sam? What's happening?" Sam smiled.

"Technos here to take you home, is that ok? Ranboo nodded, and stumbled over to Techno, and leaned his tall frame against the pigmans slightly shorter one. 

"Keep an eye on him, ok? Things just got more complicated, and he doesn't deserve to be put through anymore then he already has." Sam looked worriedly at Ranboo, who was already falling asleep on Technos shoulder.

"Uhh, ok?" Techno looked confused, but carefully lead Ranboo away from the prison to the nether portal that's would take them home. Sam watched them go, then turned around and re-entered the prison, his face hardening as he made his way to the center of the prison. He needed to have another chat with Dream.

[bang-to-the-tan]

Moth to Flame Chapter 5

Reader x OT7

► Vampire!AU

Smut/Porn With Some Plot

Warnings: Degradation, Somewhat Dubious Consent/Hypnosis, Mentions of Oral and Vaginal Sex, Mentions of Voyeurism, Possessiveness, Vampires (Biting, Blood-Sucking, Reference to Death), Language

↳ Summary: Robbed of your memories and intended as a birthday present for a deadly creature of the night, you unwittingly become the center of a territorial dispute between two covens of vampires. Tensions are rising and the brothers are getting hungry...

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You allow the water to reach your chest before reaching behind to turn the taps off and sinking deeper into the bath with a contented sigh. You don’t know how long you’re in there, alone, before Jin comes back, talking congenially about the abysmal state of the couch in the sitting room. To your mild surprise, as he chatters, he strips. Casually, without even pausing for breath, he sheds all of his clothes straight to the ground to pool at his feet. Even as you stare at him, he makes a shooing motion with his arms to encourage you to scoot forwards so that he can get into the sizeable tub behind you. You shudder at the feeling of his bare skin against you again, but just as easily relax into him as he seems entirely preoccupied with cleaning the both of you with a sponge he gathers off the side.

“I did my best with the sofa and the armchair,” he continues, scrubbing up one of your arms, “But we got all sorts of body fluids on it and it’ll take a little while to aerate. Might have to cut our losses as far as that goes. Which sucks, because I actually really liked that furniture set.” He pauses.

“Namjoon never liked that sofa. This was probably his plan from the start. The bastard.”

He sighs when he reaches your hands, and you can feel him shift, the water moving with him.

“I needed that, anyways. Don’t tell him he was right, but damn him, Namjoon was right.” He focuses on cleaning each finger, running the sponge against the delicate webbing between each digit. You crane your head over your shoulder as he does, pulling his concentration momentarily from his work. His eyes sparkle when they swivel to meet yours. His skin glows in the gentle light of the lamps. His cheeks look soft and well-fed and the darkness under his eyes is gone.

“…You look better,” you finally say. His face softens. A gentle smile purses his lips.

You feel the sponge travel back up your arms, his other hand brushing your hair back from your neck.

“I didn’t mean to take so much.” Jin murmurs, mouth quirking in a half-frown. “I guess it was worse than I thought.”

As the sponge cleans your wound, as sparingly as you imagine he can manage, you stifle your desire to flinch away from the pinpricks of residual pain and pleasure by turning your head and thinking, watching the bubbles waver on the surface of the water. This situation is, for all its confusing contradictions, familiar. There’s a word for this. You frown, wishing your head worked as well as you’d like it to. But you know there’s a word to describe this.

“You’ll have to stay in my room until Namjoon comes back. I’ll go out to get some real food, but the boys obviously don’t have any self-control when it comes to you.” He abandons the sponge in favor of massaging his long fingers into your scalp, working some sweet-smelling shampoo into it. Your eyes close with the calming sensation, leaning towards the wet heat of his chest. “What do you have to say about that? Hmm? Little temptress?”

“I…” The tongue in your mouth doesn’t feel like yours, it’s so heavy. Vaguely, you recall what it was Jungkook had called your state. “…I’m hazy.”

He pauses. “Just until the pain fades.” He replies, his tone soft. “Let me get you clean, bandaged, clothed. Then we can talk.”

You hum agreeably.

The rest of your bath is spent in comfortable silence. He finishes his thorough wash of you, and even allows you to help him scrub the wide expanse of his back while you secretly admire the muscles rippling beneath the skin. When you’re both clean, he helps you out of the tub like someone escorting a newborn deer, parceling you in a huge towel that smells vaguely like he does. With the same intent care as he cleaned your body, he pats and rubs you dry, even coaxing a comb through your wet hair. The pajamas he lends you are too big, but thankfully cinch closed at the waist, though the top swallows you whole. As you slide it on, you take note of your improving reaction time. The fog steadily dissipating from your mind. You decide not to comment on it, taking instead to obediently following his hushed directions, next taking a seat on the edge of the tub. You watch him as he retrieves a bandage from a nearby cabinet and reaches to situate it over the puncture marks on your neck, asking repeatedly if it’s too tight, too loose, whether it hurts. Which it has begun to, you notice while he secures the fabric. A dull ache, followed by a sharp sensation if you move your head a certain way. An answering heat curls in your belly when you recall the pleasure that had previously accompanied that ache.

Caused by two pairs of sharp teeth. Hmm.

 Jin must recognize the ponderous expression on your face, because he leads you out of the bathroom to sit on the bed taking up the majority of the room outside of it. An en-suite. The bed is like the one in the room previous, but much more frequently used—it’s not even made, and you have to shift the thick duvet to the side in order to perch on the mattress across from him, your legs dangling off the edge.

“So,” he begins, eyes searching yours.

He might well be looking you over to see if you’re going to run away. You aren’t sure whether you want to yet. You blink slowly at him.

“So.” You repeat.

“Are you okay?”

Your lips purse. You cast a glance to the side, at the sizeable wardrobe in the corner. Briefly, you wonder what it would be like to clamber inside of it. There’s a guitar leaning against it, and across from that a tidy bookshelf though some of the tomes have collected a layer of dust you can see even from here. A book sat face-down on the top has three separate bookmarks between its yellowed pages. What could it be about? Oh, right, Jin. You try harder to concentrate on his question. There’s a throbbing between your thighs, but you suspect that’s standard for the beating you’ve endured. Your neck hurts, obviously. The frustration at your lack of mental facilities is what’s bothering you most at the moment—considering there is a word that you just can’t reach for. But even as maddening as it is, you can feel your mind clearing.

“…you bit me.” It sounds more accusatory than you mean, but he doesn’t seem to take offense. His head bounces and he blinks slowly, looking briefly to the side.

“I did.”

“It hurts.” You try again, petulant.

His eyes flit back to yours, a bemused expression crossing his face. “I’m…sorry?”

“Better.”

Jin snorts, his grin growing. “Is that all?”

You pause to think. “I don’t…remember anything.”

“No.”

“Taehyung said it was his fault.” You shift backwards, almost startled at the speed with which you’re making connections now. “And Jungkook said I was supposed to be his present.”

“…Yes?”

You clarify. “He was supposed to bite me.”

“He was. Well, not really. I’m kind of glad that he didn’t.”

You frown, still trying to thread everything together. “Namjoon said I belonged to him.”

It’s Jin’s turn to pause, looking back off into space as if it holds the answers he’s trying to give, leaning back and clasping his hands in his lap.

“I know it’s not…ideal.” He begins slowly. “I didn’t want to…You saw the way I looked.”

You consider his appearance when you first saw him. “Bad.”

“Exactly. We made rules, a long time ago. Who can hunt where, that sort of thing, so that nobody has to go hungry. Jungkook and Taehyung and Jimin—they broke those rules. They weren’t supposed to be anywhere near the club they found you at. I don’t know what possessed them to go so far from our borders, but what’s done is done, I guess.” He shakes his head ruefully, rolling his eyes.

“I just don’t want to start a fight. So, in a way, yes. You belong to Namjoon. You’ll go back to him later.”

“But Taehyung took my memories,” you argue. “I don’t remember where I belong.”

“I know.”

When he reaches forward, towards your hand, you flinch away, surprised at the anger flaring briefly inside of you. The curious look on his face is almost enough to change your mind, but you hold firm. He reclines back with his palms outward in a placating gesture.

“Look. I’ll keep you healthy, and I’ll keep you safe. And if you don’t want anything else from me, I won’t do anything else. Namjoon will pick you up after you’ve healed and take you back to his part of town. Which is where you’re from, right? But if you run away now, I’ll have to catch you and bring you back anyway. Might even have to chain you up or something, and I promise that won’t be fun. Do you understand how this works?”

You peer at him, and he stares back.

 “I don’t…want to be hazy anymore.” You say finally.

“It helps with the pain—“

“I don’t like not having my own thoughts,” you interrupt. “And every time it happens I have to put everything together again from scratch.”

“I just don’t want you to panic.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“Well, I do,” you insist. He laughs a little, eyes scrunching.

“Okay, how about this.” Jin leans forward, conspiratorially. “I’ll ask your permission to help you a little if your neck is bothering you—I know it can be really bad sometimes. It’s an awkward place to be hurt, the neck. There’s no exercising it properly.”

You think on his offer, watching him with suspicion. “…Okay.”

“But if you panic, I’m going to use it. I can’t just let you run around, you’ll get hurt. Or lost.”

“Can’t have your peace treaty getting broken.” You mutter, raising an eyebrow.

He grins crookedly, as though relieved you’re finally understanding. “No.”

 A spark of something occurs to you and you seize it, a wry smirk curling one side of your mouth.

“Or fucked a lot.”

His grin falters. “N-no.”

“Do all of you fuck like that?”

“Like?”

“Like a…horse,” you clarify, adding after a pause. “A stallion, that’s what it is, yeah. That’s the word.”

He blinks, flustered. “I…honestly wouldn’t know, but I’m flattered you apparently count me in that number.”

“I wasn’t counting you, just weighing…options.” It’s something like rebellion, to retort this way. You’re glad for it, like an old friend you’ve rekindled with.

“Not an option,” he warns. He raises an eyebrow like he’s playing along, but his tone is cautious. “I’ll keep everything you need in this room, alright? If you set one off, they’re all going to lose it.” He pauses. “It’s been a while since this house has been properly fed. You’ll be so much safer if no one even knows you’re here.”

 You think on what he’s told you. Consider the possibilities, and run through what you think of everything you know thus far.

You believe him when he says they’ll chase you down if you run. And considering that none of them are likely human—instead something that you can’t fucking remember the name of just yet—you don’t doubt they’ll catch you without a problem. Plus you don’t know where you’d even be going. Where you’d be running to. But maybe, eventually, you can get your memories back, with enough of a push.

And if you can bargain cooperation for your own thoughts in the meantime, well.

Maybe it’ll be worth it to play along for now. Just for the long game.

In any case, you can tell you’re not getting any further with Jin without acting the part.

“…okay, I guess.”

“Okay?”

“What choice do I have?”

Jin’s mouth quirks again, into what could almost be a smile, but isn’t. “Not much.”

“Not much,” you echo. “Yeah.”

 He nods. Pats his thighs in a gesture of finality and stands from the bed, casting a glance about the room.

“I’ll be back in a little bit, then,” he says. “Gotta go and get you some real food for you.”

You nod back.

“The door doesn’t lock from the outside, so if you need it locked, you have to do it yourself.”

“Uh-huh.”

He looks for a moment like he’s considering something. He glances back at you.

“Don’t... Don’t open the door, okay?”

There’s something weird about expecting something to happen when it doesn’t. A thrill runs through you when your mind remains un-fogged.

“I won’t.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be back soon.”

“Jin. I’m not going to open the door.” You hesitate, as if musing to yourself. “I don’t know if I can walk, actually.”

He actually flushes a shade of red and you take the smug pleasure that comes with watching it spread across his face. “…Sorry.”

You shrug. He doesn’t seem to know where to look, but finally inclines his head again and turns towards the door. You watch him open it and cast one last placating, unsure smile your way which you return without even trying to be convincing. He closes it slowly and it clicks shut. Still perched on the bed, you sit still, listening for his footsteps. They fade out, down the hall. You count to twenty.

Long game be damned.

 Ignoring the ache in your legs and neck, at twenty, you throw yourself off the bed and haul towards the window, admittedly waddling a little. You grasp a handful of heavy curtain and throw it aside, revealing it to be nighttime. God, you’ve missed knowing what time it is. You’re scrabbling for the window lock, casting a brief glance at the scene outside of it.

It’s too dark to see much—a bare tree or two, a cobblestone road, a fountain that doesn’t seem to be running. There’s what looks to be a curved entrance sign a little ways down, but you can’t make out what it says. If you had to guess, you’d say you’re on the second floor, which tracks with what you’ve noticed. Not ideal, but doable, especially if there’s a hedge underneath and even if not, you can tie the duvet cover to the edge of the bed or something. The window clicks as you find the lock and you allow yourself a hushed yes of triumph, straining to push it upwards—

You freeze.

Voices.

They’re too close, coming in from the crack you’ve made in the window, drifting in with the cool night breeze. They must be right underneath you.

You hold your breath, suddenly mortified that they might have heard the sound of the window opening, but the conversation continues without a hitch and with the window slightly open, you can now hear it almost perfectly.

“—didn’t have a choice, you know that. It was before your time, anyways.” Jimin, trying to be authoritative but increasingly bitter.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard,” Jungkook’s voice, sarcastic and unconvinced, interrupts, “The ‘best for everyone’, right?”

“You didn’t live through it,” Jimin retorts, and there’s a tone of anger rising in his words that legitimately sends chills snaking into the pit of your stomach, “You think you’re hungry now? Trust me, you don’t know shit.”

“I get it, okay, times have been tough.” Jungkook growls low, frustrated, and you can hear him kick at the gravel at his feet. “I’m just saying it doesn’t make any sense to just…give it all away? She was supposed to be a gift for me, for my birthday, and I didn’t even get any of her. You heard her screaming. There probably isn’t anything left. How is that fair?”

You flush at the realization that the entire household probably heard you caterwauling on Jin’s dick. Oops.

“We shouldn’t have been out there anyways. Calling Namjoon was the right thing to do. He already knew we were there and if we’d lied to him about it, we would have been in deep shit. We did the right thing by coming clean.” He doesn’t sound too convinced himself.

“That’s easy for you to say.” Jungkook’s voice drops straight into hell and you can hear the venom hidden in the velvet of his tone, faux conversational. “How did my present’s pussy taste, by the way?”

“Don’t be like that.”

“Half as sweet as it smelled? God, it smelled sweet. Did you fuck your pillow after, licking what was left of her off your lips? Did you suck every drop off your collar and fist yourself thinking about what it would have been like to bite down?” Your stomach coils at the mental image but you try in vain to ignore it.

“Go slurp at your bedsheets if you want to know so badly,” Jimin shoots back, sour. There’s a heavy pause, laden with anger, and you half expect a fight to break out. But nothing happens. You can hear the skittering of gravel as someone turns violently away, steps retreating towards the building.

Your heartbeat is deafening in your own ears, and you remember vaguely what Taehyung had said about being able to hear you—but considering the topic of conversation, you doubt either noticed. You monitor your breathing as your ears strain to catch any sign of the other leaving so you can resume your escape.

It’s silent.

Silent enough for long enough that you begin to doubt yourself.

Were there two sets of footsteps after all? There might have been, but you could swear there was only one.

Just when you’re beginning to debate continuing, there’s a slow crunch from beneath the sill. Something moves in the dark and your breath catches in your throat as the dim light shines off strands of blonde hair and you recognize Jimin stepping forward into view. He turns to survey the direction you heard the steps vanish and just…stands there for a moment.

There’s a part of you that screams to go back inside the room. Close the window. Stop looking. But he’s so beautiful and you’re caught admiring him despite yourself. Full, pouty lips curled in a soft frown, his expression morose, almost regretful, as he surveys the path in front of him. What little light there is plays on the gentle curves of his face, glows in his hair, glitters off his eyes in a way you’re fairly certain it doesn’t on humans. When his gaze casts down, you can see his eyelashes brushing his cheek, even from this distance. How does one person get so pretty…?

 His head swivels smoothly and he glances up, straight towards you, eyes glinting.

 Fear yanks you down, out of sight, underneath the windowsill, heart pounding, head swimming, veins thrumming. You hope he didn’t see you. But you can’t convince yourself that he didn’t. The image of his steady, calm look is seared into your mind’s eye and you swear you can feel him staring through the wall you’re curled against.

There’s no way you’re leaving through this window, not tonight. You can’t even breathe past the knot in your chest until you hear him finally peel off and follow Jungkook inside.

Some part of you waits for the knock at Jin’s door, the inevitable foiling of any thought of escape you might have, the sweet temptation of those soft lips and soft voice. But it doesn’t come.

And in the quiet, mind still spinning, swirling with his patient, predatory stare, the deeply primal sense of being hunted, you finally catch up to the thought you’ve been chasing.

 Vampire.

They’re called vampires.

 …Fuck.

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[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 13 Extravapalooza

I’m cranking this bad boy out in a rush on Saturday morning, which is much earlier than I normally do it. I’m doing this because I’m fixin’ to get Nor’easter’d all to hell later on and I very well may be without electricity and/or internet for a bit. Fun! So, the blurbs will be downsized and unaided by last-minute injury info or juicy news nuggets about locker room morale, and the lines themselves may have moved by the time kickoff rolls around. I’d say this week’s Extravapalooza will be more useless than normal, but that would imply that past editions have provided any utility whatsoever to anyone.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today. 

EARLY GAMES

Jacksonville Jaguars at Minnesota Vikings (-10)

The constant, oppressive potential for the Vikings to go full Vikings and soil themselves at the most hilarious time has me taking a Mike Glennon-led squad on the road as a double-digit underdog. What a time to be alive!

New Orleans Saints (-3) at Atlanta Falcons

Falcons WR Julio Jones is listed as questionable, and as of this writing I can’t find any reports that give an indication if his status leans one way or another. This is unhelpful, because Atlanta’s offense is way better with him in the lineup. Fuck it, I’m plowing ahead as if he’s gonna be in there. Saints QB Taysom Hill made his first start against the Falcons just two weeks ago, and he looked pretty good in that game. I can’t imagine Atlanta is keen on having that happen again.

Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears (-3)

Lions WR Kenny Golladay is still out, and RB D’Anrde Swift is expected to be “eased in” if he plays at all. Gonna be tough sleddin’ for Matthew Stafford and the fellas, I reckon.

Cleveland Browns at Tennessee Titans (-5.5)

Hell yes, this is going to be a glorious avalanche of rushing attempts by both squads. I can’t wait. Ultimately, I have more confidence in the Titans’ ability to mix in an effective passing game, and I think that’ll be the difference. Cleveland’s monstrous DE Myles Garrett is returning to action after missing two games with COVID-19. I hope Myles suffers no lingering effects and continues to pummel opposing QBs each week from here on out.

Cincinnati Bengals at Miami Dolphins (-10.5)

There used to be a television commercial asking for donations for a fund dedicated to saving wild tigers, and it would show images of tiger skins, various cruel snares and traps used to hunt tigers, cubs orphaned after their mom was killed by poachers, and other extremely depressing shit. Thinking about the current Cincinnati Bengals bums me out almost as much as that commercial. That said, I think they can cover 10.5 against a Tua-led Miami offense.

Las Vegas Raiders (-8.5) at New York Jets

The Jets are 3-8 against the spread this season, despite routinely being given so many points that I actually laugh out loud. Adam Gase is a true artist, and I’ll be sad when he’s gone. Having said all of that, fuck the Raiders.

Indianapolis Colts (-3) at Houston Texans

The Indy defense has been one of the better units in the league this season (last week’s Derrick Henry rampage notwithstanding), so I’m thinking Houston QB DeShaun Watson will have a tough go of things after losing his fave WR Will Fuller to a PED suspension.

LATE GAMES

New York Giants at Seattle Seahawks (-11)

The Seattle secondary has been dog vomit all year, but even they should be able to handle Colt McCoy. Maybe. 

Los Angeles Rams (-3) at Arizona Cardinals

I don’t know if it’s because he’s nursing a shoulder injury or what, but Cardinals QB Kyler Murray has mostly stopped running the ball over the last two games (both losses). He had 15, and 31 rushing yards in those games, and that ain’t gonna cut it against Aaron Donald and the boys, I’m afraid. 

Philadelphia Eagles at Green Bay Packers (-8.5)

The Eagles are busted all to shit.

New England Patriots at Los Angeles Chargers (-1.5)

I love Justin Herbert, but the Patriots typically bamboozle the fuck out of rookie QBs.

SNF: Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs (-13.5)

The Chiefs beat the Broncos 43-16 in their earlier matchup in October, and I don’t see much reason to think it’ll be a whole lot different this time around.

MNF (Early): Washington Football Team at Pittsburgh Steelers (-7)

So help me, I really like what the Football Team is doing and I’m actually rooting for them. Pittsburgh’s insistence on throwing on every down plays right into the hands of Washington’s top-shelf pass defense, and I think the Team has a real chance at handing the Steelers their first loss.

MNF (Late): Buffalo Bills at San Francisco 49ers (-1)

I’m really hoping we get the maximum Josh Allen Experience in this one, since he’s got the national spotlight all to himself. He might literally hurl a football through somebody’s sternum.

TNF: Dallas Cowboys at Baltimore Ravens 

This game isn’t on the books at most places, because it remains unclear how many of the guys on Baltimore’s COVID/RESERVE list will be coming off in time to play. So, no pick from me.

Last Week’s Record: 5-8-1

Season Record: 74-85-6

[league-of-light]

2019 What’s the Weekly Challenge Rankings Week 1 Weekly Challenge What Is It IDP Flex Weekly Challenge? Rankings

What’s up YouTubers it’s the Will + Dyl show back at it again with another set of power rankings. And by Will + Dyl back at it again I mean Dylan back at it again while I incoherently ramble nonsensical garbage next to him. We’re off to a great start. Per usual, Dylan will provide his EXPERT level statistical analysis of players and teams, and I’ll pick some stupid meme to run with. This week we’re going with Super Smash Bros because Banjo Kazooie just dropped and it’s the only light in my life outside of Ace and Dairy Delight. Anyway, take it away Dylan.

__________________________________________________

Howdy folks! It’s been a while. I’ve wanted to get back into writing Power Rankings, but it seemed like a bad idea. I haven’t followed football late in the 2017-2018 season, and honestly, I have no idea what’s going on. But Will has convinced me that it doesn’t matter, and that I can do these anyway. So without further ado, here are my power rankings, based on what I understand about the league from almost two years ago. 

11. Cleveland Browns

The Browns have been the worst organization in football for about 15 years. Last I checked, this team was losing every single game, finishing the season 0-16. And now it seems that Josh Gordon DeShone Kizer aren’t even there anymore? This team has no shot. I don’t know who this Daniel Jones fellow is, but hopefully he can help; otherwise, this team is primed for a lot of losses. 

Super Smash Bros character: Pichu. If you’ve played Smash Bros, you know that Pichu has nearly the same moveset (if not the same exact moves, sue me Evan I don’t use Pichu) as Pikachu. The only difference is, anytime Pichu attacks, it also hurts itself. Just like me, every time I look at this stupid gimmick team I decided to go with instead of actually trying to win free money.

10. Honedge Heroes

Antonio Brown AND Le’Veon Bell? I’m not a fan of taking the two Steelers, who will steal touches from each other. Brandin Cooks is great, and I like Derrick Henry, but I’ve never even heard of half of this team. This team should suspend any hope they had of being a contender. 

Smash Bro: R.O.B. Rob is a robot, so is Dylan.  I am reminded about a thing I read today on Reddit about a robot. It was written by Douglas Adams. Please hold while I find the quote:

A robot was programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches. This was actually the most difficult part of the whole experiment. Once the robot had been programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches, a herring sandwich was placed in front of it. Where upon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich! I like herring sandwiches. It would then bend over and scoop up the herring sandwich in its herring sandwich scoop, and then straighten up again. Unfortunately for the robot, it was fashioned in such a way that the action of straightening up caused the herring sandwich to slip straight back off its herring sandwich scoop and fall on to the floor in front of the robot. Whereupon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich...etc., and repeated the same action over and over again. The only thing that prevented the herring sandwich from getting bored with the whole damn business and crawling off in search of other ways of passing the time was that the herring sandwich, being just a bit of dead fish between a couple of slices of bread, was marginally less alert to what was going on than was the robot.

^ This is Dylan, and the herring sandwich is the New York Mets.

9. Cursed Will

It’s tough to rank the team with the best player in football (Aaron Rodgers) this low. But Jordy Nelson is getting up there in years, so I’m not sure how good Rodgers receivers will be. 

Super Mash Potato: King K. Rool.  Dylan had a pretty fire one for this, so I’ll let him take it away:

IT’S NICE THAT AFTER YEARS OF FREELOADING IN SMASH GAMES AS A TROPHY AND A STICKER, KING K. ROOL FINALLY DECIDED TO CONTRIBUTE AND BE PART OF THE SMASH ROSTER. THIS DOESN’T HELP ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO SPENT YEARS WITH THE EARLIER SMASH GAMES, BUT I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT NOW THAT HE’S OLD AND IRRELEVANT, HE FINALLY DECIDED TO BE USEFUL.

For those who don’t know, Evan now pays rent. For those who also don’t know, Evan and King K. Rool are both thousands of years old, have leathery skin, and eat Taco Bell every other day. Also, check out this screenshot of K Rool from when Banjo was announced, it’s literally the most Evan photo on the internet.

8. Float Like a… Whine Like AB

I’m not sure why they have Alex Smith’s backup at QB. Davante Adams and Michael Thomas are great, but Mark Ingram seems to be their only competent RB. Maybe they’ll get Alex Smith and find a way to contend. Otherwise, I’m not really sure what this team is doing. 

Smush - Donkey Kong. For those of you who don't know, Donkey Kong got his name because Nintendo wanted to convey that the ape was stubborn, so they picked the most stubborn animal they could think of. Or at least that’s how the story goes. That alone would be fitting enough for Jason, but really he gets DK because of DK’s affinity to charge up a punch and wiff on it, only to CHARGE UP AGAIN LATER.

7. tbt to K88 being platonic

I’m glad to see Larry Fitzgerald is still around, and they have Andrew Luck’s long-time favorite target Eugene Hilton. Ben Roethlisberger could have a huge year with the talent on that Pittsburgh offense, and Alvin Kamara is great. Still, I’d expect Devonta Freeman to split carries again, and the Bills’ defense can’t be very good. 

Super Dunk - Young Link.  Young Link has been out of the Smash Brothers games for over a decade which is almost as long as Harnsowl has been out of America.  Also, YL can drink a seemingly endless amount of Lon Lon Milk, just like Harnsowl with alcohol. 

6. Spicy Meatballs

From what I’ve been told, James White should be the best RB in football by now. I’ll take Phil’s word for this. And Drew Brees is awesome. But I’m not sure about the rest of the team. JuJu Smith-Schuster will have trouble getting touches over the Killer B’s, and all I know about Anthony Miller is that he was a mediocre NBA player in the 90’s who had a brief cameo in Space Jam. Tough to see this team doing well if they can’t improve on that depth. 

Super Meesh Pepe - Samus. Another soulless human robot thingamabob whose only purpose is to watch the New York Mets. Dark Samus for when the Mets lose. So I guess always Dark Samus?

5. No Content

I don’t know if Kyler Murray is actually good, but I’m expecting a big year out of Eric Decker. And the Colts QB has always loved throwing to TE’s, so Eric Ebron should have a huge year. A definite sleeper who might take the league by storm.

Supper Dinner Brother - Lil Mac.  Dylan beat me to it again:

I respect the effort that they put into making Little Mac a better character. They improved his aerial gameplay and his recovery, and made a bunch of other improvements. It must have taken them, like, 12 weeks of work! But, despite all that effort, he’s still in a low tier and can’t compete with the stronger characters.

Honestly, the biggest difference here is that Lil Mac definitely never skips leg day (see photo)

But apparently Kyle has been for the past 84 days.

4. Shit Outta Luck

For some reason, their team page says that they dropped Andrew Luck, but I’m going to assume that there’s some kind of issue in the database that will be resolved shortly. I’m assuming some team that already had a franchise QB took Saquon Barkley at a completely reasonable pick in the draft, and he’s doing great there. And Mike Evans is a star. Once Andrew Luck is re-added to the roster, this team can be a real contender.

Smash Bros Character - N/A. Dylan, Who’s fuckin team is this?

3. I’m Still Here Bitches

A shockingly strong showing for Team Arielle. David Johnson, from what I recall, is the best RB in football. Julio Jones is awesome. Dak Prescott is pretty good, although honestly, I still think Tony Romo is better. Damien Williams might not get a ton of carries in KC, but I still think this team could go a long way.

Daisy. Daisy doesn’t belong in Smash (yeah, I said it Andy), and Arielle doesn’t belong in the league

2. Team Mar

The squad from the 845 is looking very strong. Two superstar WR’s in Alshon Jeffrey and Keenan Allen, a perennial MVP candidate in Matt Ryan, and two top 5 caliber RB’s in Leonard Fournette and Christian McCaffrey? I have no idea how this roster is even possible.

Mashed Potato: Joker.  I honestly know nothing about you, just like I know nothing about this anime (?) character who is in Super Smash Brothers. His name is Joker but he’s clearly not from Gotham and your instagram handle is Marisa845 and you’re clearly not from the 845 otherwise Bowers would’ve remembered seeing you at South. He knows everyone who went to South.

1. Venice Beach Hulkamaniacks 

Now here’s a team of people I recognize. A.J. Green? Trey Burton? Melvin Gordon? Shady McCoy? DION LEWIS? I honestly don’t see how things could possibly go wrong with that kind of talent. This team shouldn’t lose a single game. And there you have it. Hopefully by next week, I will have learned a little bit about the modern NFL and can take a better stab at these, but hopefully this helps get you excited for another great season of the NATIONAL! FOOTBALL! LEAGUE! Back to you Boom.

Smash Boo: King Dedede. The people’s champ. The Penguin with the Hammer.  Just like Kirby, King Dedede can suck in opponents.  Just like Bowers, if those opponents taste like carbs, he will not swallow them. King Dedede has an unrelenting hammer akin to Bowers’ unrelenting trade offers for LeShady McCoy, and had this other game where he got swol af just like Bowers is gonna be at the end of his journey. At least his 12 week journey has seen results. 

Also, I’m genuinely unsure if Bowers wrote this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jibCSdZ8xG0 

73. Andy Brown

A late addition that we had to shoehorn in here even though they don’t belong in the Power Rankings.

[junker-town]

DK Metcalf is absurdly ripped, but his body fat probably isn’t *that* low

The NFL Combine reportedly measured him at 1.6 percent body fat, which merits some skepticism.

So, let’s talk about body fat. Particularly this guy’s (on the left):

Oh and he's also standing next to AJ Brown, who is not a small human either HT @rebelHart2 pic.twitter.com/VpjcreE66a

— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) February 11, 2019

That’s former Ole Miss WR DK Metcalf. He has an extremely impressive physique, and put it on display during the measurement session of the Combine. The results were ... stunning.

Ole Miss WR D.K. Metcalf, of social media fame, measured in at 6-foot-3 and 3/8 and 228 pounds... with 1.6% body fat

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) February 28, 2019

Of course, 1.6 percent body fat isn’t healthy.

Average body fat for a person is around 20 percent. Athletes often get down to between 6 and 13. Male bodybuilders sometimes get down to around 3 or 4 percent. Wide receivers were found by one study to check in around 12ish.

It’s literally not healthy to be under 3 per a nutrition professor at University of Waterloo in Canada.

Professor Mourtzakis wanted to emphasize the risks associated with an extremely low body fat: “While it is possible for some athletes to reach 2 percent body fat, I would certainly not support this approach for athletes. Achieving this range presents health risks, including increased risk of infection and injury. This approach often supports unhealthy eating behaviors and patterns that are reflective of disordered eating behaviors.”

When asked if 1.6 was even possible for a football player, a college athletic trainer sent me this:

“He would be anorexic. That’s not healthy, and I highly doubt that it’s possible for him to perform at a Division I level with that body fat percentage. The lowest BFP out of my athletes is 6 percent. I can’t imagine what 1.5 percent looks like.”

I will spare you the Google image search results for bodybuilders with 1 percent body fat. They were quite a bit beyond that workout photo of Metcalf, in terms of the things you can see beneath their skin.

The machine might’ve also just given a bad reading too.

For the last 13 years, the Combine has done its body fat percentage tests with a machine called a Bod Pod (not the caliper method you may have experienced at your dietician). You go into this egg-lookin’ thing and they alter the air pressure around you. Then it reads the difference with the athlete in and out of the pod, and they figure out your body volume from there.

Here’s a demonstration:

But the Bod Pod does have a margin of error, per the National Institute of Fitness and Sports, and it can be as much as 5 percent in either direction, if not more per this research.

But what a college athletic trainer said it’s more likely to waiver 2.5 percent in either direction.

Metcalf does have a bodybuilding background, which helps explain his physique.

In an interview for Metcalf’s new Under Armour endorsement, his father said his son was pressing 50 pounds and squatting 100 at the age of five years old. He could reportedly power clean 350 pounds as a 19-year-old.

(An accompanying press release made sure to state “his dad quickly realized bands were more age appropriate than weights.”)

Metcalf has basically been doing nothing but working out since a mid-October neck injury, and because we haven’t seen him in a while, the ripped look came as a surprise. But for Metcalf to train for the Combine and hope to perform at an NFL level, he’s probably closer to 4 percent. Because he probably wouldn’t be able to function at a high level for very long if he was at 1.6 percent.

The medical complications of a very low body fat involve almost every body function and include the cardiovascular, endocrine, reproductive, skeletal, gastrointestinal, renal, and central nervous systems with the possibility to develop conditions such as heart damage, gastrointestinal problems, shrinkage of internal organs, immune system abnormalities, disorders of the reproductive system, loss of muscle tissue, damage to the nervous system, abnormal growths, and even death.

With a background as a high-level athlete, and a father who is an athlete as well, it is doubtful that Metcalf would choose to risk his physical efficiency during what amounts to the biggest job interview of his life. He, like all football players, is already going to face enough questions about his health and durability during the draft process anyway.

This might be the first time a wide receiver has ever had to assure NFL GMs his body fat percentage is actually a little higher than what the test said, though.

[yourtokentony]

How I Feel: Week 2

I didn’t like the CQCT Concept. So I’ll post my picks for the week and talk about how I felt.

Baltimore over CINCINNATI, Value: 6

I guess I can’t be too mad. I thought the Ravens would go 6-0 but finish 7-9. We’ll call this one of those losses, as the Bengals did show an amazing presence.

NEW ORLEANS over Cleveland, Value: 14

Ew. If I got a second shot at Survivor, I would have picked this game, and almost choked on my own pride. The Saints may not be who I thought they were...or maybe Cleveland is ready to not be Cleveland.

PITTSBURGH over Kansas City, Value: 1

I recognized KC’s week 1 (and Pittsburgh’s) showing and put the lowest possible points on this game. And I was right. Who are the Steelers now? The Bengals?

NY JETS over Miami, Value: 3

Another one where I felt week one was a no-value. Miami played for 10 hours and the Jets played the Lions. I’m not mad at losing that one, but well...Miami is division leaders.

LA Chargers over BUFFALO, Value: 11

Yeah. Buffalo is that bad that I bet that hard on the Chargers.

WASHINGTON over Indianapolis, Value: 9

Ugh. In my Stock report, I downgrade the Skins big after this game. At HOME? AGAINST INDY? Cost me big. What happened to their run game? Who plays WR?

Houston over TENNESSEE, Value: 10

This one hurt me more than the one above. That last play, which sure, might not have had a chance, showed me that Houston is not even worthy of a playoff spot.

Philadelphia over TAMPA BAY, Value: 15

Is TB for real? I mean, I thought Philly’s defense was good? Is Fitzpatrick the new Tom Brady? I have so many questions and so many lost points.

Minnesota over GREEN BAY, Value: 5

A tie cost me half points, but I’m OK with it. These teams are super even, and I was less confident in either team. Still see the Vikes going farther in the playoffs, but this will be a good division race to watch.

ATLANTA over Carolina, Value: 4

I won. But don’t count the Panthers out. They have double sided talent.

SAN FRANCISCO over Detroit, Value: 8

I often think that Bellicheck lets his assistants get jobs, just so they can fail a franchise and come running back to him. Matt Patricia is next.

LA RAMS over Arizona, Value: 16

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Hate to be a Cardinals fan right now.

DENVER over Oakland, Value: 13

I believe a pass rush is what wins in the NFL right now. And Denver has that. It wasn’t pretty, but it worked.

New England over JACKSONVILLE, Value: 7

Where I thought Jags defense would be stiff, no idea the offense would put up points to keep up. That locker room must be lit!

DALLAS over NY Giants, Value: 2

Ew. Not talking about either team.

CHICAGO over Seattle, Value: 12

If people blame Eli Manning for not having an O-Line (OK, guess I talked about them), then Wilson’s performance in these 2 weeks deserves MVP consideration. But I knew Mack would wreck and he did.