#it makes me want to scream bc it seems as if nobody wants to acknowledge the valid choice of ditching your stupid family

[nullians]

It’s almost 4am and I’ve just finished watching Everything Everywhere All At Once and umm. I don’t think it’s for me. Like, good for all of you people out there who still want to connect with your parents and share the burdens but personally? I’m fleeing this shithole. It sucks that my parents will never see me simply as I am and will always warp me and tint what they see me as with their own dreams and dreads, and yeah I do wish it could be different but it really cannot. Be. Different.

[kanekoii]

secrets

lyra’s notes -> nobody asked for this but the urge to attempt slowburn again has me in a chokehold

pairing -> school au! ren zotto x gn! bullied! reader (bc i’m in school so it’s much easier for me to write a school setting LMAO)

genre -> slowburn, angst to fluff, really fuckin long, LITERALLY THE EXACT SCENARIO I WAS IN WITH MY CRUSH FOR YEARS

song -> secret secret - stray kids

warnings -> WHY IS THIS FIC SO LONG WHO LET ME COOK, somehow little to no actual plot just angst

one day ren was as close as could be, the next he was so distant it was as if he didn’t know you at all. no- not even that. sometimes he was so distant, this is likely what it feels like for him to despise your very existence. maybe it was just bad timing, maybe he had a problem with you. unfortunately and tragically, you loved him. maybe it wouldn’t have been a tragedy if he didn’t give you mixed signals such that feel they only exist to cause intense doubt and anxiety.

one day, ren would be a friend. the next, he’d be flirty. then, he’d be back to just your friend. he would always talk about someone he claimed to be in love with to everyone but you, maybe he didn’t want you to know at all. maybe it was a lie. you had no way of knowing. his touch was like a ghost now, essentially nonexistent. gone were the days of holding hands in public just because you can, even if he never really had much of a commitment to you. why, then, were you still attached to him in such a way when it would clearly take a herculean effort to salvage your romantic relationship with him that barely existed in the first place?

you’d run into him at school functions and he’d be with his friends, you’d lock eyes with him. he made you feel like a complete outsider when he invited you into conversations, barely even acknowledging you at all but still trying to reach for your hand occasionally. it was a maze of mixed signals that would leave you just as confused as when you started, ultimately just leading to confuse and hurt you more than you already were at his hand.

part of you thought that, maybe if you waited long enough and tried your best to stay by him no matter what, he’d choose you one day. maybe, some day in the far off future when rain is pouring from the sky, he’d offer his umbrella and ask you to stay. yet, it rained just like how you imagined today, except this time your knees were scraped and pain shot through your body when they made contact with the water. you kneeled on the wet asphalt, dazed and in too much pain to get up. ren helped you up and bandaged your legs after taking you back to his apartment.

you couldn’t even say a thing in that moment, all words caught in your throat. it was frustrating, really. like a secret you wanted to yell and scream but the world just stifled your voice again in an attempt to keep your words from reaching his ears. if you had thought or tried to express your love now, how differently would he look at you? if he constantly bragged about being head over heels, why would he still reach both physically and metaphorically for you when your feelings were down?

you figured it pointless to express the feelings ren would likely think of as pointless. he was a literal prince, for god’s sake. there’s no way he didn’t already have a marriage lined up for him in the near future whether he liked it or not. ultimately, would it not be a waste to take up what little time you share with him nowadays with a worthless confession? though the time you did share with him, all the seemingly swirled colors around you would fade away in the haze of your mind trying to make even the littlest of sense of his behaviors.

his nearly hollow gaze towards you signified his life just ticking away by the second, yet that’s something everyone seems to do under the pressure of school and, fuck, being hier to a kingdom. he’d close his eyes and lie yet again about the person he supposedly loved while talking to his friends, yet still opening them ever so slightly to glance at you with an inexplicable melancholy in that deep blue of his eyes. sometimes you’d find yourself wondering if he would ever have to defend the choice to cast you off to the sidelines as if you never existed at all, what would be say?

really, did he have any idea how much you loved him? you continued to keep your seemingly worthless feelings a secret until he wanted to hear them voiced, waiting for that moment. moving slightly closer to him as he opened up to you again, you barely managed to salvage your nearly shattered heart through the aches and the endless tears. but once again, you couldn’t say a thing and just swallowed the words down into your stomach to make you sick later. you wanted ever so badly to shout it ever so loud in an attempt to preserve what was left of your heart and emotions that you doubted actually even meant a thing.

if the world itself cast you aside just like he had, could you at least try to sing the song of love to him that was contained- no- detained in your heart for ever so long? just one last time, can you express the pain felt with feeling every single feeling that many people never cared enough to ever even acknowledge? sometimes it feels like ren looks right through you, could he even see you at all?

even so, if he could learn to love his life, if he could grow to want a love of his own, you couldn’t help the feeling that maybe you were the problem. maybe every single day you had spent with him had meant the world and you were none the wiser because he keeps the feelings he harbors towards you caged deep in his heart to prevent himself from getting hurt. the hue of love was yet in his eyes whenever he looked at- or through you at some invisible force you were sure he loved more than you by at least tenfold.

if you could be the person completely ideal to him, what would that look like anyway? what changes would you have to make to yourself? would it be so substantial that “you” as you were now would cease to exist entirely? pain, shame, sorrow, rage, delight, heartache, it was all the same in his eyes anyway when projected onto your nearly broken heart. would you really allow yourself to let him drift away because of some stupid fear? there’s no way you would let that happen, right?

if ren had decided that he loves the world more when you’re not a part of his own world, could you really learn to love the things you had left behind? no, that’s not exactly right. maybe you could even just try to express yourself and let the feelings that nobody ever wants live on immortally through your words. your heart broke itself apart, torn to shreds on its own volition, yet still beat as if it were only the beginning as he had pulled you close.

[gnomeniche]

Red being the worst at acknowledging his feelings on "Death" was so funny but also very sad ? Like, at the end of the day, they both were in denial to certain levels, but yellow goes through the process of grieveing more properly. Sure he is unfair to Stain but he is lashing out in frustation mostly. When he caves in at the end of the song, is because memories aren't enough atp.

But is not unreasonable, they know Duck is still there, and it hasn't been even a day, digging him out is him mostly thinking out of the box and going against the lesson.

But Red is full on "This is fine 🙃" display, he kinda recognizes some of his feelings but tries to move on fast. Even when he sings part of the song too, he little by little tries to change Stain. He is so determinted to look unaffected but it ends up looking worse for him at the end.

It's hilarious and so sad too like💀

like stain said "...I feel like you have some ...issues you need to work through" to red, indeed stain, indeed

sorry, I re-watched the ep and they are so mean to stain for no good reason lmao

YEAH EXACTLY red is so incredibly repressed but he is so fucking bad at repressing. for someone who speaks almost exclusively in monotone it's always so extremely obvious whenever he is upset and trying not to let it show.

his main coping mechanism is trying to ignore it whenever something painful happens, which makes me very sad, but what is sadder is that it includes whenever he Feels something painful. which might be why, in the rare instances where he loses his shit, it happens so Loudly and frustratedly. bc bottling it up means it's gotta burst at some point even if it's toward unrelated stuff like a Clipboard

i think he doesn't like acknowledging his feelings bc he knows that doing so is Dangerous. every time red gives the world a piece of himself he knows it'll either be undercut or twisted into something horrible that he can no longer love. so he can't be as unreservedly genuine as yellow and he's not adept with adapting his feelings into something palatable like duck. so for him it's easier to just maintain that bored exterior and that means Moving On From Anything That Could Break It.

also he seems to have assigned himself The Levelheaded One? he Does value kindness and it seems like he wants to be a safe place or a grounding presence for his friends. even during his full-on breakdown at the end of transport he's trying to soothe or bicker in between outbursts. even when he's having a breakdown he's trying not to.

but even though he has all of these goals, he just can't keep his feelings from leaking through! he sucks at hiding them! he tries so hard but he is so transparent! it sucks. this sucks. let's put red somewhere nobody will neg him and let him scream for a while

[heniareth]

I was really curious about what your opinions on the DAO companions are :) I know we have talked about some, but I'd love to hear more and about the others as well :D I hope it's ok to pose this as an ask :)

Sure! That sounds like a ton of fun. This might be a long one tho. Mind you, this is not the finished version of the answer. I'd like to link stuff and add a cut, but rn that's not possible. I'll update it when I can.

Edit: I have updated it ^^

Let's go alphabetically bc why not.

Alistair:

Sweet guy. So sweet. There was a moment when I was hard pressed chosing between him and Zevran (alas, Zevran won). Also, he's weirdly tall according to the wiki? How did I not notice that before?

Let's get a bit more serious now, Alistair is a great guy. The only reason he's not the hero of the story is because he doesn't want to. He has all the qualities of a leader: he's good at dealing with conflict (as evident with the conversation with the mage at the beginning. He gets where he wants to get without antagonizing the mage, but without allowing him to trample all over him). He's a solid tactitian and knows how to make allies (he suggests to use the Grey Warden treaties, after all). I bet if he was in the leadership position, he'd even not bicker with Morrigan. His moral code is pretty tight; some might say too tight, but I think it's less about the moral code and more about learning to judge people by their actions, not by the labels they fit into (Morrigan is a proud apostate and therefore bad. Wynne is a humble circle mage and therefore good). He also has a bit of a black-and-white way of seeing the world. I empathize a lot with Alistair, especially with his experience with the Chantry and his subsequent reluctance to deal with it. I really wish I had gotten to know more about concrete experiences he had during his training as templar, but he seems reluctant to talk about it (gee, I wonder why).

Since I've only played the game once, I haven't really picked up on Arl Eamon's abuse towards him, which apparently exists (Isolde, however... I mean, even if he were Eamon's illegitimate son, he's a kid, ma'am, he didn't exactly get to chose his parents. So that's so not okay). Alistair's way of speaking about them both, however, is either sign that he has not come within a hundred miles of acknowledging how much it hurt him, or that he's already gone through the whole process and has decided to forgive them. The latter shows a very strong character; yes, he relies on the approval and leadership of others, he has his issues, but he's already started working on them.

That being said, irl Alistair would be like a little brother to me. I'd tease him relentlessly (all in good fun and I promise to stop if it makes him uncomfortable, but he's just so teasable). I still wish the videogame gave him the chance to take important decisions for himself. But that, of course, would somewhat defeat the point of the game.

Leliana:

Another sweet, sweet person. Her singing voice is amazing. Her belief in the Maker inspires me (I'm a religious person and seeing religious characters represented in a positive light is Very Cool. It's also sometimes a source of discomfort, because the Church has done a lot of very messed up stuff and positive representation can sometimes veer into apologetics for things that should not be excused, but that's a whole other can of worms. The bottom line is that religious characters sometimes work for me and other times don't and Leliana works for me very much bc she's an outsider inside the Chantry).

Leliana is best friend material, tbh. I'd love to get to know her irl, discuss theology and philosophy and maybe even politics? She makes mistakes and has prejudices, but, tbh, so do I. And I do get the feeling that she tries her best to learn. From the times she intervenes in a conversation between the Warden and an NPC, she shows herself to be compassionate and open to the needs of others. What I get from her character is that she genuinely wants to help, which is something that I adore of her. I suspect that she sometimes has a hard time deciding wether she's a good person or not. She has killed and seduced and worked for a morally dubious person, and she doesn't show the same nonchalance about it as Zevran (though they both do discuss their line of work in very... professional terms). This is, however, more of a headcanon than actual factual canon.

I also very much enjoy her girly side, like her interest in shoes and dresses. She's one badass woman who also looses her cool about the latest fashions in Val Royeaux. I like that. Between her and Alistair, a non human noble Warden has as good a help to navigate the Fereldan court as they're going to get. Leliana is also, I can't forget that, clever and insightful. It'd be easy to write her off as the innocent chantry girl, but she's so much more than that. Her kindness is paired with foresight, I think. She knows that taking on the trouble to help now can go a long way in the future. I just have a lot of respect for her.

Loghain:

This one's gonna be short bc I didn't recruit him. He's an amazing villain and would probably be a great Warden as well. He reminds me of Denerhor from LOTR; once a hero/stewart of his people, ambition and desperation have driven them both down a terrible path. I have also only little idea about his past. People say he lost a lot, and I believe it wholeheartedly; it doesn't excuse the fact that he plunged the country into a civil war in the middle of a Blight. I don't have a lot of sympathy for short-sighted politicians. I wish he hadn't made himself regent. That's what I take away from his character.

Edit: One thing I forgot to mention that really impressed me was his death. I had Alistair duel him (that was a rough duel), and then it kinda just jumped to a cutscene of my Warden nodding and Alistair executing him. That didn't sit well with me. I didn't want to kill Loghain, and less so in front of Anora. But what impressed me was that Loghain just accepted it. That takes a whole lot of guts. Compare that to Howe's death, and how he screams out that he deserved (more, probably, or anything but death) and it's crystal clear who the more noble of the two is. Loghain strikes me as very lawful neutral, and any neutral alignment has the particularity that it can be dragged towards good or bad, sometimes without the characters noticing it (which is interesting from a DnD perspective; neutral is often concieved of as just as stable as good or evil, but that may not be true. But that's a different post). Anyway, Loghain's death was impactful.

Morrigan:

I could kick myself for not maxing out her approval in the first play-through. I got to enjoy a bit of her friendship by the end of it and boy was even that little bit worth it. Friendship with Morrigan is something that is hard-won. It's all the more precious because of that.

Morrigan is full of paradoxes, I think. She's incredibly wise in some ways, yet also very short-sighted (”just kill them, don't solve their problems”. Morrigan, dear, I'm not going to gain a lot of allies if I kill everybody who poses a problem to me). She is so intelligent, but emotionally... not so. She knows so much about some things, and very little about the next. She's incredibly wilful and knows what she wants, but follows Flemeth's orders all the time through. She hungers for power and independence, yet craves closeness, but won't allow herself to have it. She asks you to prove yourself to her and is extremely critical of your actions, I think, because she's afraid. She bites the hand that feeds her because it might hit her next.

Like with Eamon, I haven't managed to catch the undercurrent of abuse that seems to permeate Flemeth's relationship with Morrigan. Except there are signs, because there must be something Morrigan is scared of and who has instilled all that rage in her, and that's Flemeth. Also, she clearly hates/does not care about her and wants her dead (unless killing Flemeth was part of Flemeth's plan as well? Hm.)

Morrigan is that one person who you are nice to, continuously, because nobody else is. And suddenly she becomes less cold. And then friendly. And suddenly you're asking yourself why everybody hates her, because she's a really good friend! I just wish the other companions came to a similar conclusion, especially Alistair and Wynne.

Oghren:

They did this man dirty. He has such great lines and I'm convinced he was a great person before Branka disappeared. He has that dwarven warrior spirit, and while he looks like Gimli, some of his most impactful lines remind me of Dwalin or even Thorin Oakenshield himself. He could be so noble had he gotten some character development, damnit!

Oghren as he is written is somewhat disgusting. I hate the lechering comments and the drunkenness. And still, I don't hate him because of those amazing lines he has when he's actually sober. It's frustrating and I'll give him that character development myself if the game won't. I strongly associate the song Whiskey Lullaby with him, bc that's how he would have ended up if the Warden hadn't taken him along (warning: the song talks about suicide and alcoholism). Like I said, they could have done such cool things with his character. As he is written now... it's just sad. Moments of lucidity drowned in alcohol and creepy jokes. As you can see, I don't blame the character for either. The alcoholism happens all too often irl. The creepy jokes... I put that one on the writers' tab.

I actually think Oghren could have been a great mentor figure (I know, I shock myself as well sometimes). Next to the Grey Wardens, the ones who know most about fighting darkspawn are the dwarves because they have to deal with them constantly. Especially a warrior caste dwarf like Oghren could have brought a lot of that invaluable knowledge to the team, especially since there are no Grey Wardens in Ferelden but two extremely green recruits. Next, you get the chance to give Oghren the command of the teammates you leave behind in the battle of Denerim with the reason that he has lead men into battle before. Where did that suddenly come from? Oghren should have been right up there telling my Warden that they were doing this wrong, that they needed more food (and booze) and a confident leader to keep the armies they've called together going. Oghren should have been able to tell my civilian city elf who got recruited into the Grey Wardens a six months ago how one leads an army. How one presents oneself to inspire confidence, how one doesn't crack under the pressure, how one gets the leaders of said armies (some who hate each others guts i.e. Dalish elves and humans) to work together. And, last but not least, Oghren could have had a great story about grief. This is a man who has lost most of what made him (and what he hasn't lost he's spilling down the drain with every mug of ale). This is a man who, if you take him into the Deep Roads, has to see what his wife did to his family, how his wife got absolutely obsessed, and can be forced to kill said wife or watch her die. All Wardens loose their home and families at the start of the story. It would really have rounded the whole narrative out if the Warden and Oghren could have recognised their grief in each other and hashed it out somehow. Such as it is, Oghren is a depressed drunkard and there is nothing we can do about that. I find that frustrating.

Rascal (a.k.a. Dog):

Best boy. 100/10. I wish we had gotten to see the reaction of the different origins to the mabari (because elves probably have a whole different experience with them from mages or humans. And dwarves just... I think they straight up have none? XD). Other than that, no complaints. The name Rascal was the one I gave my dog because you have to be a right rascal to survive what he did and play the pranks he plays. Smartest breed in the world indeed.

Shale:

Shale is one of those characters that I recruited rather late in the game, so I haven't had the chance to explore their personality and worldview, really. I didn't even get to take them to the Deep Roads (this will be ammended in playthrough nr. 2). As such, I don't have particularly strong opinions on them (or her? The wiki refers to Shale as 'it', but that sounds weird). But, because I know so little about Shale, I have a lot of questions. First, what were they like before they were a golem? Shayle, as she was called then, was the best warrior of her time if I remember correctly. Why did she become a golem? Was it to be able to eternally protect her people? Was the sarcasm the golem Shale exhibits also part of the dwarven warrior Shayle or did that come later (if for thirty years you have nobody to talk to but yourself, you better be entertaining. And I can imagine how it could make somebody terribly jaded as well).

Next, how attached is Shale to their golem form, exactly? According to the banter, they infinitely prefer it to a squishy fleshy form. If that is the case, however, why go to Tevinter to try and become a squishy dwarf again? It's not like that process could be reversed if they wanted to become a golem again; if Shale survives to the end of the game, the Anvil of the Void is destroyed and Caridin is dead. Was the whole spiel about their indestructible form a façade? It might have been, but not because Shale actually disliked their form. I think it would have more to do with the loss of their memories and with the very invasive experiments and alterations of Shale's body made by the mage Wilhelm. The loss of memories means that Shale is unable to remember life as a fleshy creature. They might be deflecting by pretending that they didn't care for that experience anyway because of the superiority of their golem form. The modifications made to their form by Wilhelm would have alienated them from their body. In light of this, it's significant that Shale asks the Warden to decorate their form with crystals.

All of this is, of course, pure speculation. I may have easily missed or forgotten details that would disprove the above thoughts. All in all, I like Shale and I hope we meet them again in DA4 (given that it's mostly set in Tevinter). It's a liking from a respectful distance, because Shale is tall and made out of rock and also way more experienced than I will ever be (they are literally the oldest member of the Warden's little Blight fighting squad).

Sten:

Sten is another person I'd keep a respectful distance from physically. That seems to be the what he would prefer, at least. I've enjoyed his character a lot, especially because he seems pretty clear-cut at first, but slowly lets the nuance of his person show (gruff and stoic, but then he has an eye for art, a sweet tooth and he likes cute animals). It's also very interesting that there's no moment when you learn "the truth" about him the way you do with Zevran or Leliana. There's no big reveal about his life under the Qun before coming to Ferelden. He says he was sent to monitor the Blight, but honestly? If neither Ferelden nor Orlais knew there was a Blight, how could the Qunari know? I think he's lying, and he takes his secrets back with him when he leaves Ferelden. And yet I think I know him enough to say that a Warden who has become friends with him has nothing to fear from Sten.

One thing I find very interesting about Sten is how he thinks. His conversation about how women can't be soldiers has been analysed a lot on this page I think. He seems to be arguing based on a different paradigma than the one the Warden has. He also seems to have a very clear-cut view of the world. What is fascinating to me is that, when arguing with the Warden and learning about their culture, he is not necessarily becoming more lax about his worldview. I think it's more likely that he is expanding his paradigma, the structure of thought through which he understands the world. I don't think that he is now convinced that women can be warriors as well. I think he rather understands that, in Ferelden, the relationship between occupation and gender is different than under the Qun. Which of the two he thinks is more right or more agreeable, I have no idea. I'm also not very interested in that. But I find it fascinating how he always seems to be looking on quietly, gathering data, classifying it and trying to fit it into his understanding of how the world works. I wouldn't be surprised at all if his original party was a scouting party to see how vulnerable Ferelden was at that moment to outside forces. One thing I don't understand with all of this is why he urges the Warden to meet the Blight head on. No smart soldier would suggest that, except if they are foolishly proud (and Sten doesn't seem like that kind of guy tbh). I get that the Warden takes way longer to gather allies than expected because they first have to solve all of their allies' problems. But surely Sten sees the need to have allies? Is he just that impatient? Does he have a death wish (à la, I lost my sword and am without honour, better to die sooner than later and in glorious battle)? Was he his group's previous commander and is he now having trouble following somebody else's orders? Or maybe it's his way to make sure the Warden knows what they are doing? To push them into becoming the self-assured commander their allies will need once they're all gathered? I really don't know. I like the last option best, however.

For me, Sten is my fellow, more experienced soldier. Like Alistair, he can potentially be the Warden's brother in arms, but he's definitely the older brother here. He probably doesn't take kindly to tearful confessions of how hard everything is, but I feel like he's otherwise a solid rock to lean on. I feel like the Warden can trust him to do what is necessary and count on him no matter what, especially after they get his sword back. His devotion from that point on is honestly so powerful.

Wynne:

Wynne was such a support for my Warden (except with the whole conversation about love vs. duty and that she may have to choose between Zevran and ending the Blight and that she should therefore break up with him. Wynne had a point. Astala was so not willing to sacrifice her relationship with Zevran. But the whole conversation came at a point where she was already so disillusioned that she blew up in Wynne's face (”can i please just have one (1) nice thing????”)). But all in all, Wynne is great.

She has a lot of flaws. She was very marked by her life in the Cricle and, for all her age, she has little experience living outside of it. She is also a conformist despite her strong moral core. In a way, her ability to find peace with her lot in life impresses me deeply because it speaks to a lot of strength of character. Sadly, however, strength can be ill applied and used to suppress. I think she has convinced herself that the Chantry is right under (almost) all circumstances to be able to rationalize the life that mages live. She's had her son taken away from her as a baby and an apprentice killed. Her reaction seems to have been to convince herself that this was right, or for the greater good (and now I'm thinking about the Guardian's question at the temple of Andraste's Ashes; are you wise or do you just repeat what others have told you? The answer is not as clear-cut as it might be). This is why she is so irritated by Zevran and Morrigan. By aligning herself with the Chantry, she is, in her eyes, good. Zevran and Morrigan are not; they do not conform to Chantry morality and they defend themselves tooth and nails against somebody who would try and convert them. This is something Wynne never allowed herself to do; she always did the "right" thing and it has cost her so much. I'm not saying she was right (it would probably have done her some good to rebel from time to time, and to trust her own gut instinct more), but in light of this, it hardly surprises me that she's so judgamental. She has to be, or she would be forced to confront all the evil she has not fought against all those years and all the hurt that has been caused to her by the very institution she protects (and thank God she only tries to argue and can appreciate it when people have found a good life outside of her comfort zone. If she tried to convince by force or, for example, drag her former apprentice back to the Circle... boy oh boy that would get ugly). If you think about it, Wynne really is a good example for what happens if you live by a philosophy of always choosing the lesser evil.

Something that I keep forgetting over her grandmotherly and dignified character is how damn powerful she is. She has escaped the carnage at Ostagar; HOW!? She protected those mage apprentices in the Circle tower for God knows how long. In the battle of Denerim, she wades through an army and comes out alive on the other side. The wiki lists her age at 40, I think, but that doesn't make a lick of sense unless 75 years of age are the Fereldan equivalent to 100. This lady, about whom people make grandmother jokes, did all that. It's impressive.

Zevran:

You know, I would really love to know what Wynne thinks about the events at Kirkwall in DA2. It might be a disaster for her, or it might pave the way for one last bit of character development. She certainly didn't want to return to the Circle after fighting the Blight. That may be an indicator of some change in her stance on the Circle of Magi.

Edit: I forgot that she is what the Circle considers a literal abomination! Holy cow, how could I forget that?? Anyway, her conversation about what being an abomination means is so... heartbreaking, actually. It's so tentative. So careful. "Am I an abomination? Am I the same thing that has killed my students? The same thing as Uldred? Am I lost and damned? Did I invite this spirit in? Is this my fault?" Like wow, Wynne is going through something huge right there. I love it. I have to continue playing the game to see what it ends up as, but it's fascinating and such a huge thing that she allows the Warden in on that.

Ah, Zevran, my beloved (he has stolen my heart so much it's not even funny anymore). He's funny, he's charming, he's so so loyal and it breaks my heart. Zevran is the one about whom I've read most meta: these three wonderful posts for instance, as well as this one about his possible lack of scars, and this one about his lack of freedom. All of these have influenced my opinion of him and they are great reads.

I have talked about Zevran with you before, so I'll just skip to the new stuff. I have come to conclusion that Zevran is an artist at heart. This is totally not biased by the fact that I also do art, but hear me out. One of his preferred gifts are bars of silver and gold. While those have the obvious utility of basically functioning as money (they can be sold to any silversmith or goldsmith and their value is pretty stable through time and in different countries), there's also this from his codex: "Zevran shows an affinity for the finer things in life—hardly surprising for an Antivan Crow—but his appreciation can be more poetic than he lets on. A simple bar of refined silver or gold, uncomplicated by a craftsman's hammer, is elegantly valuable." Tell me that is not an artist's eye that sees that gold and sees the beauty in it. Then, there's also the meta about Zevran the Seducer which I linked above and link here again. It talks specifically about how he lets himself enjoy the target and be seen in his enjoyment. Tell me that is not an artist's eye that beholds the beauty of something he is set out to destroy. Even his talk about his assassinations show this. He talks about it as an art, the way somebody would talk about the brutal intervention in stone that produces a sculpture. Yes, it's a rationalization of the act of killing and yes killing is still wrong. But he doesn't go on about it on a moral tangent the way Alistair or Wynne would (”this person was bad, killing them was necessary”) or even through the argument of survival like Morrigan would (”it was either them or me and it sure as Hell wasn't going to be me”). He talks about the pleasure of a job well done, of the satisfaction of striking the precise point and executing a plan to the perfection so as to minimize chances of discovery and to make a clean death possible. And pleasure in seeing and in doing, this I firmly believe, is absolutely fundamental for an artist.

My favourite part about my Warden and Zevran as a pairing is that Zevran precisely brings out that ability to take your pleasures as they come and to really savour them. Fighting the Blight is tough; it's so important to find good things amidst the chaos to stay sane. If Astala saves Zevran from himself by offering him a place to stay and a purpose, Zevran saves Astala from herself by keeping her from running herself into the ground trying to save the world.

There are some things I don't like about Zev. The incessant flirting, for example, sometimes makes me uncomfortable (it becomes enjoyable for me once the Warden and him are in a relationship, but before that? Nah, no thanks). I wish he would also leave the other female characters alone (and there's so many more shameless comments of his aimed at Morrigan, Leliana or Wynne than at Alistair or maybe even Sten).

---

And that's my take on the Origins companions (this was rather long. Whew ^^' I hope it was still readable and that you enjoyed it!!) Thank you so much for the ask!! It's been a joy thinking about this. I was worrying at first that the less prominent companions like Sten or Shale wouldn't get as much content but... well XD

[realcube]

how haikyuu!! characters confess to you on valentine’s day💘

characters: kyōtani, tsukishima, sugawara & akaashi 

tw// none 

kentarō kyōtani

♡ writes you letter and puts you it in your locker 🥺

♡ but you catch him in the act FDGHJGFD

♡ he memorised that you usually arrive at school at around half passed eight so he made it a point to get to school extra early so nobody would see him

♡ but little did he know, you had the exact same plan in mind 🤦‍♂️

♡ so when you walked into school and noticed kyōtani aggressively pounding on your locked bc his chucky letter wouldn’t fit through the slot, you both froze in your tracks

♡ he realised how shady it looked that he was trying to get into your locker — plus, he was aware that he already had the appearance and the reputation of a delinquent, so he immediately thought that you would assume he was trying to rob your locker

♡ but in reality, not even for a second did you think that he was trying to steal anything

♡ but either way, mans took off 🏃‍♂️

♡ cut to you chasing him through the hallways, yelling for him to come back so you could confess to him

♡ but he thought you were chasing him bc you were angry 

♡ eventually he reached a dead-end so he had no choice but to face your wrath

♡ so imagine his surprise when - instead of screaming at him - you handed him a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box, with a little sticky note on top with ‘be my valentine?’ written on it

♡ he was speechless so he just kinda looked up and stared at you with a blank expression

♡ ‘i know it’s cheesy but it was the best i could come up with.’ you stuttered, desperately trying to break the awkward silence kyōtani had left you in

♡ he was finally able to process what you had just given him and subtly shoved his love letter into his pocket now that you had confessed to him, ‘uh, thanks, i guess.’ 

♡ your lips instinctively fell into a frown, assuming that was a ‘no’. but to hide your disappointment, you forced a smile back on before turning your heels and hastily rushing away - planning to go cry in the bathroom now ✌ ‘okay, erm, bye, kyōtnani!’

♡ kyōtani’s eyes widened at how shaky your voice was all of a sudden and why you seemed to desperate to get away from him. had he said something to upset you?

♡ ‘uh, bye. meet me by the gates after school today.’

♡ you paused in your tracks, almost tripping over by doing so, ‘why?’ you choked, peering over you shoulder to look at him with hopeful, wide-eyes which caught him off-guard

♡ like jesus christ you looked cute-

♡ he felt his cheeks heat up at the sight so he quickly turned his head to the side and barked, ‘don’t be an idiot! obviously i’m gonna take you to the shop and buy you some chocolates - it’s only fair.’

♡ ‘like..a date?!’ you squealed, twirling around and clasping your hands together in delight 

♡ ‘no.’

♡‘oh-’

♡ ‘i’ll take you on a date in the park afterwards.’  

♡ you bounced excitedly, unable to resist the urge to throw yourself into his arms and hold him in a tight embrace, ‘i can’t wait!’ 

♡ kyōtani let out a light sigh of relief as he felt your chest press tightly against his own, ‘yeah, same’

♡ although he didn’t sound too enthusiastic, he showed that he was looking forward to the date by skipping practise so you didn’t have to wait for him :))

kei tsukishima 

♡ he does not ask you to be his valentine’s at the start of the day

♡ he just waits - not so patiently - for you to ask him 

♡ but you didn’t >:(

♡ he was livid

♡ oh and during lunch you got him so hopeful bc you were like ‘oh, tsukki! i almost forgot. i’ve got something for you!’

♡ and he was like 90% sure it was a box of chocolates to accompany your confession but it was hIS FKN CHARGER THAT HE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT AT YOUR HOUSE A FEW DAYS AGO AAAAAA

♡ grrr so since the whole day passed and you didn’t confess to him, he figured that he had to do everything himself 🙄

♡ last period, he texted you, asking for you to meet him at his house after your club

♡ (he wanted to confess in a location where there was no one around to make fun of him if he got rejected and if he was accepted, then he could take you on a date to the café near his house) 

♡ so begrudgingly, you did - but after your club 

♡ and you were under the impression that he went to volleyball club that day so he wouldn’t have to wait by his house for too long but rather, he skipped that day so he could first pop to the shops to buy a bouquet 

♡ when you arrived at his house, you were greeted by him holding at bouquet of flowers and forcefully shaking them, indicating that he wanted you to take them

♡ ‘what are these for, tsukki?’ you hummed, grasping the stems of the flowers and slowly pulling them towards you, taking a long whiff of their sweet scent

♡ tsukishima looked away shyly, unable to make eye-contact with you without blushing. damn, this was harder than he thought. 

♡ ‘for valentine’s day, duh.’ 

♡ you smirked, hugging the bouquet to your chest as you gazed up at him longingly, ‘so are you asking me to be your valentine or are these sympathy flowers?’ 

♡ tsukishima rolled his eyes, ‘asking you to be my valentine. but you’re so oblivious, i’m starting to regret it now.’

♡ that was a lie

♡ tsukishima mentally scolded himself; he was literally trying to get you to go out with him? why was he insulting you?

♡ ‘well, i’d love to be your valentine, kei.’ you cooed, your arms full with the flowers so instead of hugging him, you pressed your face in his chest and steadily, his large hand found it‘s way to your back, rubbing up and down your spine

♡ although on the outside he acted all nonchalant about it, on the inside he was setting off fireworks and celebrating 

♡ there was a long while of silence between the two of you, until he broke it by inquiring, ‘wanna go get something to eat?’ 

♡ ‘yessss!’

kōshi sugawara

♡ probably planned for weeks beforehand

♡ makin sure he was extra fanon suga around you 

♡ so when valentine’s day rolls around, he gives you a box of homemade cookies with barely any explanation 

♡ then you noticed a lil’ sticky note on it, telling you to meet him at his house at 7PM 

♡ you acted accordingly and once you arrived at his house, you were greeted by more homemade cookies and sugawara in a tuxedo 

♡ ofc he led you to his back garden, gesturing for you to take a seat at the table he had set out under his small gazebo 

♡ the table was all set for a hot date; which you could tell by the pale tablecloth, expensive-looking ivory plates, sparkling clean cutlery and the cherry on top was the candle he had lit which sat in the middle of the table 

♡ then he came out with cloche, rushing up to you before lifting the lid - and once the clouds of steam subsided, you realised it was your favourite food- 

♡ ‘you’re so extra, kōshi.’ you whined, hiding your blushing face with your hands 

♡ he chuckled at your flustered reaction, taking a seat on the chair across from you only to lean across the table slightly to get a better view of you, ‘i just wanted this to be perfect for you, (y/n).’ he shrugged, not sure whether to take your statement as a compliment or insult

♡ ‘it is. thank you!’ you finally removed your hands from your face for him to see your grateful expression

♡ UHGFFKUJ HIS HEART 🥺

♡ anyway, he probably makes a big deal out of feeding you the first few bites of your food bc he thought it’d be romantic but he accidently dropped some on your school bottoms smh 

♡ also, at some point in the night, he makes sure to do that thing where he leans across the table and eyes your lips while wiping some food off the corner of them 

♡ oh and knuckle kisses 🥰

♡ he genuinely didn’t want the night to end so his heart sunk when he had to escort you back to your house

♡ but at least he got to hold your hand :))

♡ you were both staring up at the gorgeous night sky that was decorated by stars in comfortable silence, until sugawara realised something, ‘oh, i didn’t even ask you to be my valentine- my bad!’

♡ before you could coo an ‘it’s okay’, suga had already skipped in front of you and fell to one knee, taking you hand in his own and bringing it to his lips

♡ ‘kōshi’ you squealed, trying to cover your face with your spare hand - your heart skipped a beat at how similar sugawara’s actions were to a proposal 

♡ suga thought you were so cute when you were shy aaaa (❤´艸｀❤)

♡ ‘(y/n), will you do me the honour of being my valentine?’

♡ ‘you’re such a prince!’ you gasped upon making a connection between sugawara’s signature beam and that of a charming prince from movies

♡ suga faltered at how off-topic your comment was, ‘thank you- but is that a no?’

♡ your eyes widened, rapidly shaking your head and dropping to your knees to place a lil’ peck on his forehead, ‘nonono! it’s a yes!’

♡ suga couldn’t help but snort at your adorable actions, mimicking them and pecking the tip of your nose

keiji akaashi 

♡ definitely a secret admirer thing leading up to valentine’s day

♡ he’s been leaving notes in your locker for months tho

♡ he just loved seeing the wide grin spread across your face while you read the letter he wrote  

♡ then he realised that valentine’s day was approaching so that gave him an excuse to confess 

♡ one day he somehow mustered up the courage to write ‘meet me by the forest at 5′ on it and as soon as he slipped it into your locker, he was panicking

♡ like he was so anxious; the biggest fear on his mind being that, what if you didn’t like him?

♡ he was even considering not showing up bc he was too nervous

♡ but the last thing he wanted to do was ghost you and potentially hurt your feelings so he turned up 

♡ when you saw him, he was acting so odd - hardly even acknowledging your presence -  that you weren’t sure if he was the one writing the letters or if it’s just a coincidence 

♡ ‘hi..’ he finally murmured, gently tapping your shoulder to grab your attention

♡ you smiled, clutching the letter to your chest as you twitched with excitement, ‘hi! are you, erm..the person who’s been writing these letters?’

♡ akaashi nodded, keeping his gaze glued to the ground while awkwardly fidgeting with his fingers

♡ ‘oh- well, they’re so beautiful! you have such a way with words and you make my day ten times brighter. thank you so much, akaashi.’

♡ he perked up upon hearing you say his name, he didn’t think you knew it-

♡ i mean, yeah, you were in the same biology and maths class but in the past, you’ve never even spared him a glance

♡ ‘it’s no problem. and seeing you smile makes my day brighter so..’ akaashi instantly cringed at how stalkerish and pathetic that must’ve sounded 

♡ so needless to say, he was pleasantly surprised when you simply giggled in response, ‘you’re sweet- anyway, i was wondering you’d like to come with me to get tea or someth--’

♡‘sure.’ he was sold at ‘tea’. 

@the-astrumnauta @scftfairyking​ 

[bakubros-boo-thang]

Thirty seconds: Cameras & Caramel

Bakugou x ‘model’ reader

Warnings: cursing, sfw, mentioning of body type

Quirk: Stopping time ( limited time and limited amount of people)

Summary: When your roommate kinda pushes fate at your doorstep you end up in bed with Bakugou. That wouldn’t be so bad, except for the pervy director, the spotlights and the fact that you are definitely not used to model. Atleast you can make sure you get your 30 seconds of peace....

Art by : Chocalicia

Bakugou hated these types of things. He knew that being a hero on the rise meant that he had to grow his fanbase. He HAD to be known. He had to show up at random places, on billboards, in magazines and on tv. Not just for the live broadcastings if his fights, but also in random commercials.

He hated those commercials most. With magazines it was just a picture, a second of pretending. With commercials you had to pretend for longer. Professional models were at least professional about it, but those aspiring ones were trying so hard to get more out of the shoot than just a paycheck. They probably went into the shoot just for him. It would be a lie if he never ended up next to a stranger because of that. He had a busy schedule and sometimes he was touch starved. Those moments were the only moments his “work” and private life were combined. The rare private life he had.

You on the other hand had no idea what you were up to. You never wanted to be a model, so you weren’t. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. When searching for a “plus-sized” model in the middle of Tokyo you -a foreigner- stood out and when asked for a one time job, you had politely declined until your roommate had said: “You are here for that once in a lifetime moment, get out of your comfort zone, fuck the insecurities and experience that moment”. So here you were. Wearing a sleeveless top and black sleeping shorts. Laying in a fake bed, on a fake set, bright spotlight hurting you eyes and with a blanket only covering your ass and barely covering your boobs (which looked nude bc of the illusion). Since your friend pushed you to do this, she was the one who did all the talking. You just knew that you were supposed to lay like this, act shocked by your male counterpart and needed to smell his perfume. Something about “Comforting and sexy.” It was a stupid catchphrase. You had been living in Japan for a couple months, studying quirks.... you had only chosen that major, because of your own struggle with your quirk and had no real goal with the study, but the chance to finish up the course in Japan was something you couldn’t pass up. Since Japan was the country with the most development of quirks, it was the perfect choice. You worked a part-time job as a barista on the side and you couldn’t complain. But when you saw him you definitely wanted to complain. The first thing you noticed was the spiky blond hair, then his red piercing eyes and since you didn’t want him to catch you staring at his abs, you decided to use your quirks. The room was filled with eight people including the two of you so it wasn’t that difficult to do. And so you just paused everyone. You knew that you could only keep it up for thirty seconds at most, but in those seconds you could take a good look at him. At the bored expression he had, the way he was only wearing low hanging jeans and those rock-hard abs. You had barely fifteen seconds left to just readjust yourself one last time, trying to ignore your insecurities and give yourself the ultimate poker face, you laid in the position. Time went back on an nobody seemed to have noticed the missing seconds. Bakugou definitely looked slightly confused, which didn’t stop him from walking towards you and yelling to no one in particular: “Let’s get this shit over with, I have things to do.” He didn’t even acknowledge you. “Okay let’s get this thing right in the first take. Bakugou you just came home from a long patrol, you walk over to your s/o who is all curled up in bed and you give her a kiss on her cheek, she wakes up smelling your neck and realizes that you still smell like our cologne. She pulls you towards her and then it’s CUT, since we need to keep this safe for work right? We will film the solo clips of you after this scene. Ready? ACTION.”

Bakugou walked towards you. His face looked kind, maybe even loving in some cocky way though. Confidence was more the right word. You quickly close your eyes knowing you have to be ‘asleep’. 20 seconds later your eyes still haven't opened up, Bakugou was supposed to kiss you awake right? “DUMBASS WHY AREN’T YOU DOING YOUR DAMN JOB.” You couldn’t even respond, he scared you with the way he talked, of course you had heard of him. The hero with the terrible temper, but still experiencing it first-hand kinda sucked. “I... I... I didn’t....” The director cut you off. “CUT, let’s try it again.” Bakugou had already gone back to reshoot the scene. “ACTION.” He walked towards you again. This time you knew the camera would only focus on your face when he ‘kissed’ your cheeks, which he wasn’t planning on actually doing. You didn’t know whether it was him being respectful or him hating you, but it really annoyed you so you decided to give him a little payback. As he faked kissing your cheek you decided to use your quirk and pause only him. You didn’t touch his lips. You did however smell him. He didn’t smell like that disgusting cologne. He smelled like sweat and something burning. A light caramel smell. It was intoxicating. You had forgotten that you had only paused him, so the rest of the crew saw Bakugou standing over you with pouted lips not moving at all. When you realized that you were still pausing him, you quickly released the quirk and here he was all flustered, confused and definitely annoyed at himself for losing his cool. You felt a little guilty, but on the other side this was his payback. No one said anything about the rising hero’s pouted lips though, not wanting to trigger the hero’s anger. “Let’s just try it once more. Action.” Before Bakugou walked back to his starting point he whispered “ err... sorry for acting so creepy. I... I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” Now you DID feel horrible. You had to make sure this take worked out.

He walked over to you and actually kissed your cheek. You let go of all your insecurities, ‘Opened’ your eyes and you smiled at him with a smile full of love (mostly due to the fact that you were still intoxicated by his smell and of course his good looks, and maybe that apology did kinda make him seem... likeable), you once again smelled his neck which was far from punishment and the rest was just natural to you. Pushing your hands over to his neck and pulling him in felt amazing. Seeing him lay next to you felt even better and even he couldn’t help but to give you a tiny smile. Probably because you were radiating so much happiness. (Which was definitely not because you were such a good actor). “CUT. This was perfect, there is just one little thing I want to add, but give me two minutes before I explain. You can stay in your positions.” Bakugou looked at you. Just now noticing the way you looked naked. “Are you comfortable like that?” He asked. “Err... not really, but probably because this is my first time doing this.” He clicked his tongue “Tsk you’re not a model?” You shrugged “Nope just a regular barista who’s roommate forced her to end up in this weird commercial for err... cologne right?” Bakugou chuckled, “Yeah goddamn awful cologne.” You couldn’t help but agree. “They made me smell a tester, you definitely didn’t smell like that, fortunately.” He raised his eyebrow “How did I smell then, extra?” But his “extra” didn’t sound as threatening as it usually sounded in the fight videos on his Youtube page. It sounded more like a dare, but before you got the chance to explain the director already started explaining his new idea. “ I know we are not supposed to do anything not safe for work, but sex still sells, so we will just plant a seed.” He couldn’t help but give you a pervy look that made you feel sick to your stomach. “Only thing you two should do is end up under the covers, that's it. Action!” He continued.

“WHAT THE HELL, DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GO UNDER THE BLANKET WITH HER?!” Bakugou screamed. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. You barely knew him, but still hearing him get so angry for having to look at you and sharing that small space with him, definitely did hurt.

“Bakugou, why are you being difficult?” The director sighed. “ Look how you made her look, this girl has never been on a set and you already made her lay nude under a blanket, expecting me to go under that blanket. I’m not a FUCKING PERVERT GODDAMIT!” He was looking so angry, but you had to tell him. You slightly tapped his shoulder. “WHAT?!” He screamed. “Err... Bakugou...” You lifted up the blanket. “I’m not naked.” You couldn’t help but notice the quick scan he gave your body. You couldn’t blame him, especially since you had done the same. “Oh well, still you shouldn’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.” You gave him a tiny smile. “Don’t worry I trust you, it’s only for a second right.” He couldn’t help it. You intrigued him. The way you made him forget what he was doing (literally), the way you were sooo out of place, but still seemed to enjoy your time here and the way you just talked to him. “Alright let’s go then ACTION.” And the crew just knew Bakugou’s “action” was just as valid as the director’s.

You continued with the loving looks. Bakugou’s smile was a lot bigger than before, “He can really act.” You thought to yourself. And while you were still holding his neck in your arms, he grabbed the blanket and put it over the two of you in a swift move. Now you were surrounded in the dark. The only thing you could see were his red eyes. “Thanks for making me feel at ease today Bakugou. It was nice of you being cautious whether you should kiss me. Err... I mean kiss my cheek.” You stammered quickly, knowing that this conversation could only take a few seconds. “ No problem Dumbass. I’m still cautious though..” his face was closer now. “About what?” You let out. Feeling butterflies in your stomach, feeling your breathing stagger and your hands getting sweaty. “About whether I should kiss you right now. You’re probably too nervous with everyone around right?” How had he known that you wanted to kiss him? You felt humiliated, but still you had a ace up your sleeve. “Don’t worry about that, I already paused everyone.” You said with a smirk. “WAIT A MINUTE, you DAMN extra were the one to pau...” but he couldn’t finish his sentence. You had already put your lips on his and he had already forgotten all about his anger. That day you found out that you could use your quirk to a much longer extent than 30 seconds.

Authors note: Just a quick story I came up with. Hope you enjoyed it and would appreciate a reblog💚

[infinitegalahad]

Uhmmm hey I hope you had a nice day! I saw the reqs are open so I was wondering if you'd write yandere prompt 19 with Speirs? 🥺👉👈

TYRANT FOR A WAR PIG

Summary: When Speirs had made a promise to you he'd do anything for you; he not only meant it, but proved it-with blood on his hands. Prompt: "Killing for you is my favorite hobby."

Word-Count: 5.4k

Warnings: PLEASE READ! Sexual assault (not done by Speirs; but the rest is), blood, guns, manipulation, stockholm syndrome, stalker like behavior, violence, forced-ish marriage, oh and some suggestive parts (with consent bc consent is sexy) BUT this is VERY DARK. BE WARNED. 

Notes: Hello anon-I had an okay day! I got a little carried away with this prompt. You asked for crazy and here is our murder daddy-with a tint of angst *knocks over the whole bottle*. Anyways, this was beyond fun to write. Now it's time to write my modern euro paper and drool about everybody's favorite war criminal. Enjoy! ❣️

Taglist: @tvserie-s-world @easy-company-tradition @liebgotttme @50svibes @ricksmorty @pennyllanne

Masterlist | Send A Prompt!

With the sounds of muffled, pained grunts and the gurgling of blood in the room right next to year, you were finding it hard to focus on the ongoing game of Go Fish. You slugged in the uncomfortable chair as you looked down at your legs-your once neat red dress covered in dirt and all ruffled all, your neatly done makeup all smeared with a red mark on your cheek, and your thighs turning yellow-new bruises beginning to form.

Whenever you’d heard a noise, you’d shut your eyes and flinch. Right in there was not only your assaulter but a killer. He was a drunk replacement and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Whoever this drunk replacement was, he had one thing on his mind-you. He held your arms down as you kicked and screamed, attempting to rip your dress open. You kicked, fought, spit, and did whatever you could to get the fiend off of you. He responded back and left you with purple and red marks all over your body and face. Chuck had been driving by and attempted to break the situation up, but was met with a shot to the head. You didn’t remember much of the events after that besides the screams and blood.

Talbert threw his cards down in frustration and buried his hands in his face. Luz, a cigarette hanging from his mouth, held back a frustrated sigh.

You looked up, and you could see Luz's face of frustration rotate into pity. There was a small cut right under your eye. The blood was dry, and you didn’t even care to wipe it.

“Come on, let’s just play cards. That sound good?” Luz bargained, holding up the cards. He was desperately trying to lighten up the mood and distract the two of you, a man who might lose his best friend and a woman who was sexually assaulted, away from the commotion in the other room.

Talbert was being stubborn and stood up to catch a breather. Luz let him go and turned his gaze back to you. You had a poker face on-a minute away from bursting into tears. Your arms were shaky and your eyes warm and watery as you grasped onto the ends of your torn dress at the commotion coming from the other room. It played out in your head-easy company, surrounding your bloodied and beat abuser, taunting him.

“Y/n,” Luz gently called. He stood right behind you, holding out a cigarette back.

You looked up and wiped your eyes. “M’fine.”

“Yeah, and I’m back in Rhode Island,” Luz held out a hand, “There’s a bedroom upstairs. I’ll make sure you are as snug as a bug.”

You accepted Luz’s kind offer and took his hand. He helped you up and led you up the dark stairs to one of the bedrooms. It was a small quarter with a floral wall print, pristine sheets, and slanted walls.

“There’s a shower and some fresh clothes. I mean, if you wanna be a paratrooper at least.” Luz stated, adding some of his humor. You faked a subtle smile and thanked him before he headed out, leaving the door creaked open.

Tears began to stream down your eyes. You fell back and buried your face into a pillow. You felt disgusted with yourself. You felt dirty, untouched, a total whore. It wasn’t your fault-but that didn’t mean you still couldn’t carry the guilt on your shoulders. As much as you fought back, you still came out traumatized, scared, alone. The screams, the blood, it was all too much. You just wished it would go all just go away.

As you found yourself unable to shed more tears, the loud sound of a door slamming open caught your attention with booming footsteps. You slowly rose from the pillow and rubbed your eyes, hopping off of the bed to peek through the crack. Talbert and Floyd before stood up to walk over to the incoming figure-Ronald Speirs.

Your heart dropped as your nails dug into the door. The infamous captain who gave out free cigarettes as a “last meal” to German POWs, the infamous captain who ran through Foy like the madman he was, the infamous captain nicknamed “sparky” and “killer, the infamous captain who was nice to nobody-except you.

You were terrified of him; yet intrigued. He certainly wasn’t afraid of the enemy and didn’t mind shooting at them. It seemed that nothing scared him, and everybody accepted that. He was a killer, and you were simply a soldier who hated seeing blood. And yet, somehow in the grand scheme of things-Sparky had an obsession with you.

The two of you were so different and yet he followed you around like a lost puppy. Maybe it was because you were the only woman and he felt obliged to look after you, but you never knew and simply played along in fear of becoming like a German POW. You were assigned to follow him around. You got used to him and noticed how he was a magpie and psychopath. He showed you kindness and wasn’t as harsh to you as other members of easy company, and was insanely attractive, but that didn’t make him any less intimidating. Over time, you found it less scary to take a cigarette from him or be close to him.

You saw Speirs walk in with a blank face, but anger burning in his eyes.

“Where is he?”

Talbert stood up and walked towards him, “How’s Chuck?”

“I said-Where is he.” Speirs reiterated, sounding more annoyed.

“How is he doing?”

“Where is he!” Speris boomed as he shoved past Talbert and into the room. His scream made you jump, goosebumps appearing fresh over your body.

You were too far to hear the conversation, but you could hear Speirs’s low voice and the drunken replacement choking on his own blood. Once things had died down, your shoulders had loosened as you let out a sigh.

A gunshot rang through the room, causing you to jolt upwards. The sounds of a body thumping to the ground came from downstairs-and you knew what room it was coming from. Your heart sunk into your stomach as you came to realize what had just occurred.

The first night in Austria had sparked again in your mind. You and Speirs both sat on the Balcony, overlooking the beautiful Austrian lake and mountains that shimmered in the moonlight. There was a peaceful silence between you as Speris stood right next to you; dangerously close with his arm and legs breezing against your own arms and thighs. He made you look at him and he made a promise to you at the time that baffled you completely-but now had made sense.

“I would do anything for you,” He confidently stated, resting his hands on your shoulders. His thumb caressed the bare skin and went lower onto your back.

You raised an eyebrow at the sudden remark. Speirs’s dark eyes were burning into your soul. Feeling obliged you respond, you spat on what was on your mind.

“What do you mean?” Your voice shakes, along with your body. Was this it? What had you done wrong? It was better to accept that you were dead now.

Speris tightened his grasp onto you and pulled you close, “I would. I want you to know that, y/n. Understand?” He gently growled. Your bodies were close-and tight. You gulped and nodded your head. Once he loosened, you wiggled out of his arms and headed back into the ballroom with the rest of the drunken Easy company. You looked back once to see Speris standing there, a shadow covering half of his face as he looked at you-his features soft with an obsessed look in his eyes-like the way a hunter looks at its prey.

When Speirs had made a promise to you that he’d do anything for you-he not only meant it but proved it-with blood on his hands.

You could hear a silence followed by Speirs, asking Luz or Talbert where you were. With goosebumps overtaking your body, you stood up and backed towards the bed, gently sitting on it as you looked down at your shaking, bruised legs.

Oh, God-whatever mess you were in, you were certainly going to be stuck in it-especially with Ronald Speirs, who lived up to his childish nickname of “The Killer.”

The door slammed up and you jerked your head up to see “The Killer” in all of his glory. His hair had been ruffled and messed into its gorgeous glory, his shirt was two buttons loose and showed off the dark hair on his chest- His sheer appearance sent goosebumps all over your body. Once he entered the form, his gaze averted tight to you-unable to move with a fixed gaze.

“You’re here,” He said with a sigh of relief. Turning to close the door, he began to talk. “I was worried about you.”

You didn’t respond. Once the door clicked close, he threw his cap and gun to the bedside and sat right next to you. His fingers tenderly titled your head in his direction. You didn’t want to look at Speirs-and simply see what wrong he had done. You knew he was insane, but this-it was another step, especially since it was a personal matter. You attempted to yank your head away, but his grasp became firm.

Speirs’s thumb’s caressed the side of your cheek. “You’re hurt,” Speirs acknowledged. He seemed disappointed-you were left in a room all by yourself with no ice, bandages, nothing. He scooted closer to you, “Y/n. Answer me.” He pulled you closer to him, his voice in a low and dark growl. You grabbed his grist and shoved him off as you nearly fell off the bed, but caught yourself, and backed up against the wall.

“You killed him. Put a gun to his head and shot him-” You spat as bits of saliva came from your mouth. Your finger touched your chin to reveal a warm, red liquid. Looking down at Speirs’s hands, they were covered in them. It only made you feel more enraged than you already were. “-Murdered him in cold blood. You monster. How could you do that? Just shoot them and...” You buried your face in your hands as a sob escaped your mouth. It felt like someone was standing on your chest; the pain, the guilt, everything- it was unbearable.

Speirs knew that if he wanted, he could have held you down. But he didn’t want to do that, especially to you, his guardian angel. You had already been hurt tonight, and he didn’t want to add onto that by accidentally bruising you. He was well aware of his infamous reputation and power over others-everybody was scared of him, all accept you.

The two of you were opposites; one was a war criminal, the other someone who felt guilty for killing even if it was justified. You made Speirs believe that there was an ounce of good left in his world. You were the most beautiful woman Speirs that laid eyes on; your pretty pink lips, your soft (y/s/c) skin, your flowery scent, your long and soft locks, you must have been a fallen angel, lost in a wicked war. He was obsessed with you, and it became harder to hide his obsession with you-especially in Austria. He stole jewelry, expensive dresses, perfumes-anything to make you smile. Seeing your face brighten at the gifts made Speirs’s lip’s uncomfortable as a smile would form on his lips-which was uncommon. You were always beautiful, but in Austria-you were truly no longer an angel in disguise. You had blossomed and spread your wings.

Speirs rose from the bed and looked perplexed; like a lost puppy. He was saddened by your sudden jerk away, seeing the raw emotion and hypersensitivity that you displayed. Furrowing his eyebrows, he titled his head.

“Do you think a man like him deserved to walk around? Do you know what else he could have done, y/n? Would you want to see more dead soldiers and battered women?” Speirs coldly denounced, “Just another useless body of oxygen. And as for a monster,” He took slow steps for you, a low growl, “I’m no monster compared to him. Be careful with your words. Do I make myself clear?”

Like a stubborn and misconceiving child, you looked away and squinted your eyes, holding back your forming tears. Speirs was insane, but he had a point-the replacement had to be stopped, but it meant taking a human life. The blood was all over Speirs’s hands, and he had no issue with it. You, even though you had been hurt, did. And it frustrated you.

Speirs walked right up to you and slammed his fist into the wall. You jumped away at the loud noise and he exploded at you. “Do I make myself clear, damint!” He bared teeth, his face flushed red. You could feel his heavy breaths right on you, just a foot away. Fidgeting and sweating, you were scared. You backed away into another wall, your hair falling in front of your face. Your legs were shaking as you tried to hold something for comfort. But once you couldn;t find them, the tears had finally overcome. Big tears ran down your cheeks as you let out a sob, falling down as you buried your face in your hands. Your world was finally dark-and all you wanted to be was ok and not scared, confused, alone-all those horrible feelings that you were currently stuck with.

Speirs saw that his fit wasn’t helping the situation. He saw that you were hurting, and he wanted to pull out a wand and make it all disappear, he wanted to see you smile again, but he didn’t know how to do that and it made him not only mad at the world but himself. It broke his stone-cold here to see you on the floor, sobbing your eyes out, a complete mess.

Speirs walked over and bent down your level. You hadn’t even noticed, lost in your loud sobs. He gently put his arms around you and brought you close to his chest. You had looked up from your darkness to see Ronald with a sympathetic look in his eyes. Instead of pushing him away and calling him a monster, you fell right into the monster’s grasp. The beauty falling for the beast. Falling in his chest, Speirs gently sighed as he secured you in his protective grasp, letting you sob into his chest as he stroked your [y/h/c] [y/h/t], comforting you.

Speirs's grasp was comforting to you. Unlike the replacement, his touch was loving and kind, not forced and harsh. He kissed your hair and stroked it, whispering soft reassuring words as you cried into his chest.

“Shhh,” He cooed into your hair, his fingers getting entangled in your long, silky locks. “You’re here with me, Mo ghràdh. I promise you that nobody will ever hurt you again-ever.”

Once your tears had faded, you leaned in his chest and looked up at him. A faint smile appeared on his cheeks as he caressed your cheek, his other hands playing with your hair, which smelt of the flowery perfume that he had stolen for you. The aroma drove him madder than he already was.

“Do you realize how beautiful you are?” He stated as he wiped away spare tears. You tried to look down in embarrassment, but he held your chin. “You truly are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Too kind and good for this world.”

“Thank you…” That is all you could mutter. You felt comforted and secure in Speirs’s hug. “I’m not innocent.”

Speirs bite a smile back, “You say that, but you are. This world is a terrible place, and they don’t deserve an angel like you. Too good, too kind, too pretty for this war.” His words were becoming possessive as he grabbed your head and held it to his shoulder, his fingers once again stroking your hair until it reached the middle of your lower back. “Have you heard of Hades and Persephone?”

You were confused at the analogy but nodded. “Hades, the lord of the underworld and Persephone is his wife, no?”

“Yes. Hades was alone in the underworld and saw Persephone on the surface, picking flowers. He was so in love with her that he took her down to the underworld. She was unhappy at first but grew to love him. She made him a better person,” Speirs told as he averted his gaze down to you. Once you realized the analogy, you felt your heart drop. Speirs had an interest in history and would blurt it out when he pleased. But now that it had affected you, and you didn’t know how to take it.

“Ron…” You said, speechless. Was this his confession?

“Y/n, my pretty little angel, I love you,” Speirs confessed with his pupils enlarged and cheeks red, his hand resting on your lower back as he pulled you close to his face, “From the first day I saw you, I knew I was in love. You’re too good for me, but just like I said, Persephone made Hades a better person.”  His hand ran down your neck and noticed a fresh bruise, placing a kiss right onto it. “Isn’t it obvious?” His nose buried into your soft skin, “You smell nice. You’re wearing the perfume I gave you.”

“...you left that there?” You questioned. The dresses, the jewelry, everything had been left for you in your room-it was all from him?

“Of course, angel.” Speirs planted a kiss on your neck, “Remember the promise I had made to you?” He left a trail of kisses on his neck, leaving marks all over your pretty neck to make sure the world knew that you were his angel.

“Anything…” You held back a moan as he dug hands into his messy hair. His hands wrapped around your waist as they picked you up, taking you to the loveseat. He placed you down as he leaned on top of you, passionately kissing you. He loved to see you so flustered and red, caught in his grasp.

You looked down at him with your red face and stuttered, “That man…the one who hurt me...you…”

“Killing for you is my favorite hobby,” He stated with pride, “And I’d do it again for you, until the end of time. Nobody hurts you, ever.”

Your eyes widened with horror as your hands fell down into your lap. Speirs had shot him, for you. It was his way of expressing his sick and twisted obsession, or his “love” for you. He grabbed your hands and held them close to his chest.

“Say it,” He demanded.

“Say what?”

“Say you love me.”

You shook your head as Speirs’s face became dark once again. The kind and loving Speirs was forming into the possessive and aggressive one that had killed for you.

“Fine. You need time, I understand,” Speirs sighed and stood up, leaving on alone on the loveseat. Running a hand through his messy hair, he grabbed his hat and threw it back on. “You are to stay in this room and not leave for any reason”.

You rose through the chair, baffled. “What?”

“You heard me the first time. You will not leave this room under any circumstance.” He reiterated.

You shook your head and walked right past him, “You’re not my mother.”

Speirs grabbed your wrist and twisted you around to face him, a hand on your lower back.

“But you are mine. You listen to me, angel.”

Just as you were about to break away, a faked cough interrupted your intimate session. Both of you turned to see Eugene Roe, the quiet medic, standing at the doorway with widened eyes. He had seen most of everything that had occurred.

Speirs looked at him with annoyance, “Yes?”

Eugene looked at you with his big sad eyes before turning to Speirs, clearing this throat. “ We think ‘there's a docta’ in ‘da town ‘overah that can ‘help Grant. Rather go sooner 'than later.”

Speris sighs and nods. “Fair,” He let go of your hands and began to walk towards the door to leave, only to see Eugene look over at you. Eugene witnessed something he was not supposed to see occur, and now he was worried for you. You looked back at him, your eyes pleading for him to go, but he stood there and looked at you.

Speirs had noticed the strange behavior and tapped Eugene on the shoulder as he looked back at you. “Eugene, did you see y/n when she first arrived?”

Eugene looked over at Speris with a glance and nodded, “Yesir’. Why ask?”

“Because from the looks of it, she’s got cuts and bruises all over her body, and yet she doesn’t have a single bandage or ice pack.” Speris noticed with a disappointed look. “What do you have to say to that?”

“Sir, I had no idea-“ Eugene put his hands up, “I was dealing’ with a dying’ man while you were guilt tripping’ ‘day poor ‘girl ‘inta ‘luvin yah.”

Speirs towered over Eugene and was about to bark at him, but you interviend.

“Please, just go save Chuck’s life. That’s all I ask you to do,” You pleased with the men, “Ron, do it for me. Please..” Eugene looked at you as his eyes screamed for you to say no, but you exhaled and looked at him. “I love you…”

Speirs didn’t hesitate and pulled your head into his, leaving a quick peck on your forehead. “Oh, Angel...don’t worry your pretty little head. I’ll be back soon. In the meantime, you take care of yourself. Okay?”

You nodded and watched Eugene and Speirs leave the room. Eugene looked back, but Speirs grabbed his shoulders and forced him to walk on. You closed the room and leaned against it, letting out a sigh as you buried your hands on your face, wiping your red eyes.

You should have known this whole time that Speirs was in love with you-it was as clear as day. The gifts, the looks, everything-it was all for you. Now you were trapped in his gaze, unable to leave it. He had left marks all over your neck just to mark you as his and only his. The outfit you wore and the perfume were especially from him. He truly was in love with you, and you had claimed you were as well.

You wanted to love Speirs since he comforted you in your worst moments, but he was obsessed with you and would do anything to have you as only his.

But it didn’t matter. Just like Persephone had eaten the pomegranate seeds to tie herself to Hades, you had said those three fatal words that tied you to Speirs. There was no escaping or leaving. You were Speirs’s guardian angel, bound to him. His and his only.

———

May 8th not only marked Victory in Europe, but it was also the date that Speirs had proposed to you in front of the company. You accepted, even though you hesitated to do so. In the crowd of drunken men, your eyes met with Roe’s worried ones. What you had wished was a rumor about Speirs shooting the drunk replacement wasn’t true-but it all was. The man refused to talk in front of you since you were his fiance, but that didn’t mean that their whispers weren’t loud enough for you to hear.

Speirs saw no time to wait to get back to the states and wanted to get married right in Austria. You simply stood there and smiled, just following along. The two of you had gone from technician to lientaunt, friends, lovers, and eventually, fiances in the span of five years, and yet even though he was your betrothed-you were still scared of him. You knew he’d never hurt you, but to think of the blood that stained his hands-all of the lives he took regardless if they were good or bad-it always made you think what he was capable of.

But you could tell that Speirs knew about the rumors and the fear he spread around. He could’ve been serious or could've done conversation actions simply for shock factor. With you, he wanted to spend every second with you, whether that be stealing new jewelry for you or drinking your days away in the Austrian sun. With you slung in his lap, he’d talk to you about the life he had planned for the two of you; a nice house in Massachusetts, a dog or two, maybe children, and some travel to Europe.

Sure, he knew that he was moving fast in your sudden relationship, but Speirs loved you more than anything in the world, and he made it clear. You truly did love him, but you found it hard too since he was a killer. He had no issue with violence and death. Maybe the war had made him numb, but down the road, it would affect him down the line-and so with you. How would you tell your family that your future husband was not only possessive of you and kept you always by his side, but that he was a war criminal? A killer-and prideful.

Your wedding was intimate and set by the lake. Everyone was dressed in their new uniforms, showered, and looking cut. You wore a white dress that had “magically” appeared in your bedroom-you knew it was Ron, but you chose not to ruin the surprise. He would, in his words, “borrow” outfits and bring them to you along with matching jewelry, shoes, and whatever accessory he could find for you. He refused to let you deny it and you simply wore the outfits.

Just like he had promised you a thousand nights ago, in his speech as he held your hands under the moonlight, he promised that he would do anything for you. Blood flashed upon your eyes and it made you look away. Once he had said his vows, it was your turn. Looking down, you could feel a sweat overcome you. In the busy crowd, Roe’s eyes met with yours. He always looked down, and became good at hiding it, but his eyes screamed “it’s not too late”. Ron squeezed your hands, impatient for those simple words that would bind you and him until your dying days.

You were conflicted-you loved Ron, yet you were scared of him. What he was capable of doing and his obsessive love for you.

Letting out a sigh, you looked up at Ron and put on a smile to shield the nerves that ran down your body. “I do.”

And it was settled-you were a married woman. Ron pulled you close and placed a kiss on your lips, tender, but his tongue fought for entry. The company simply clapped and cheered for you. The two of you walked down the aisle, hand in hand to the reception.

Once the crowd had passed you, it was just Ronald and you, in the dark hallway. You looked to the side, thinking about your decision. Was it right, or were you walking into a death trap?

“Y/n,” Speirs said your name in a sweet voice. You looked over and put on a smile not to worry him. He took a minute to examine your features, the makeup you had put on, and the jewelry that he had stolen-just for you-his wife.

“Is Doc bothering you at all?” He questioned as he slowed down his walking to a full halt. “He kept looking at you.”

You felt your heart drop a little as you let out a nervous chuckle, shaking your head. “Not at all. He’s just a friend.”

Speirs looked annoyed with a dark look in his eyes, “He should keep his nose out of our business.”

“Ron,” You insisted. The last thing the two of you needed was another person missing or dead and more rumors to follow along. “You’re jumping to conclusions.”

“Then stay away from him. He’s bad news.” Ron stated, his arm pulling you close to his shoulder. Your eyes widened as you bit your lip. Eugene had done nothing wrong and was a case of the wrong place, the wrong time. He had tried to talk to you, but you distanced yourself. It was for his safety, not yours. Holding back a sigh, you looked at your husband and nodded.

“I will.” You lowly promised.

Ron’s gloomy expression twisted into a smile as he patted your head, placing a kiss on your forehead. “That’s a good girl,” His hand stroked the top of your head as he looked down at you in admiration, “I don’t mean to be so harsh-you know I’m just looking out for you.”

You fought the urge to use his logic against him, but you bite your tongue to loosen the tension. “I know you are, and I appreciate you making me feel safe. Thank you, love.” You caressed your knuckles against his sharp cheekbone. “Can we move past this now and celebrate?”

With no words spoken, you and Ron headed to the balcony to celebrate with your friends. It was full of alcohol and food. You and the company sat at a long table and drank, sang, and cried your hearts out. Ron and you had decided to leave early and headed back to your room. You wished you had stayed behind and had said hello to your friends, but Ron had dragged you out. He wanted the ceremony to be as small as possible, and it was time for you and him to have alone time. Ron was well aware of the situation that had happened recently. Seeing you walk down the aisle, all cleaned up and pretty for him, made him go mad. He made sure to be gentle with you, asking every minute if whatever he was doing was ok. He wanted to make sure that you were enjoying the experience. It was hard to be gentle with you, but he wanted to learn how to.

Your clothes had been thrown all over the floor along with the sheets. You laid near the headboard as Speirs held your hips, gently thrusting into you. Your moans and cries of his name and “Liteuant” made his cock throb. Despite everything he had done, in that moment, you loved him.

Blast, you were stunning, even in the dim lights of their bedchambers. Sweat glistened on your smooth skin, and your already-growing breasts that he had paid great attention to were still reddened, rising and falling with each heavy breath. Her hair was spread out in curls on the pillow, and your smile could warm a thousand worlds. And inside her lay would lay life that Ron would help create.

Ron didn’t balk down from his feelings. This was y/n, his wife. And in this moment, despite the confusion and fear, he was glad to be with her.

“Then they would be jealous,” he told her, thrusting back and forth. “Jealous that I have you while others cannot, jealous that we created something special that they could only ever dream about. Y/n, I love you. I love our baby. I love our family.”

Suddenly, you let out a little grunt, and Ron felt that tiny jolt in her.

In reality, you had froze. He had climaxed in your and fell down right next to you, pulling you into a sloppy and wet kiss as you held onto your hair, your nails digging in. He was jealous and passionate for you and only you. Ron wanted to make the world know that you were his wife by all means, which meant hovering over you like an overprotective mother with their child.

You were a free sprint who was known for your independence and stubbornness. That part of you wanted to rebel against Speirs’s tight grasp of you.

And yet, you had already chosen your fate. You were in love with a tyrant, a criminal, a killer. You had made a promise to him that you could no longer look back on and change, and Ron knew that. He wanted to keep you, his little wife, at his side at all costs.

[fairycosmos]

i understand that kinda rage so much it's not an exaggeration to say i could kill. i think it must be bc of the grief? yesterday my cat meowed at me and i felt like i could kill him for no fucking reason and i hurt myself instead. and when i see my mom i feel like i want to kill her too like everything is her fault is so scary to feel like this but it is justified. we lost everything. if that doesn't kil us this rage will it feels so poisonous

:(( i’m sorry love. i totally understand. the rage comes and goes for me but when it’s there, it’s so strong it’s almost blinding. i hold it all in my chest and stomach. and i snap at everyone. there’s just so many reasons to be angry. like you said, the loss. thinking about everything that never will be and how much things have irreparably changed. having to live with it all forever. then there’s projecting that onto the rest of the world - i’m pissed off that bad people live long lives, i’m pissed off that life is continuing forwards, i’m pissed off when i get asked about her and i can see the judgement that is always there. and obviously, i spend so much time ruminating on the situation itself. idk what it was like for you, but i can completely relate to how you feel towards your mam. i was screaming for weeks that things weren’t right and that she needed help. and on that actual night, her stupid fucking boyfriend did nothing, and i did everything. her death has highlighted in my mind, why i’m so fucking mad at my parents and my family and i have been my whole life. and i don’t blame them for what happened. but it just feels like this was so preventable and now she’s gone forever. it sounds so casual to type that, but it is the worst pain i have ever felt. sometimes i feel like if we had all just collectively, even right back from childhood, showed her more support and been a proper family things maybe have turned out differently. also, exactly. the anger feels so justified and it frightens me as well. because sometimes i think i’ll spend forever being a total asshole and thinking who cares who cares nobody cared about my sister and nobody cares about me so why the fuck should i. literally venomous. but anyway - point still stands that we are allowed to be angry. and we don’t have to carry shame about it. it’s there whether or not we want it to be. it may take us a lifetime to learn how to process and deal with it in a healthy way but as long as the effort and intent is there, it’s okay. it’s all we can do. i know it often feels like there’s no rationality in those moments of blind rage, but i think we’ll naturally learn how to ground ourselves to some extent eventually, the more time passes. because there’s no alternative. i know self harm is very complex and difficult to let go of, and i have no illusions about it. i won’t act like anything i as a stranger could say will make a dent in it. so i just want to reinforce the sentiment, that no matter what your mind is telling you, you do not deserve to be hurt. you are a good person that has been through something very bad. there absolutely is help and support available, even just in the form of calling a hotline or looking into self care methods/practices to begin with, that will enable you to find other coping mechanisms that won’t perpetuate a toxic cycle. no, it doesn’t solve anything and the hurt will still be there. it always will be. but it’s about minimizing the damage and allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel. acknowledging it and letting it go, then acknowledging it again when it comes back, and letting it go again. at least that’s how it seems to me. again i am really sorry we’re both in the same situation at the minute. i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. i’m still convinced i’m in a nightmare to be honest. sending a lot of love to you x

[sourdough-morbread]

Morgana 👀

ok so i know you left this ask ages ago and this is like so fucking long i am so sorry.

but i just... i have a lot of thoughts on morgana. *hides pages of notes made for two big morgana-centric WIPs*

First impression: this is what went through my mind in my first watch through

s1: i fell for morgana really quickly. i was like. YES she has MAGIC and she tells off uther and arthur. 

s2: i still liked her but i getting concerned about the direction the writers were pulling her character in season 2. i was quite disappointed in the way her turn to evil was written. like she was good then barely on screen and very damsel-in-distressy for some reason. and then she became evil!morgana with zero explanation and zero reluctance. didnt really make sense to me.

s3: i enjoyed her as a villain in, but at that point she was a completely different character in my eyes. not in the old character new instalment but in a entirely different person was put inside her. 

s4: she was so boring and one dimetional. just. meh. she barely felt like a threat.. 

s5: i wasnt even paying attention to her.  she has become the random conflict generator the writers rather than a character. so i just didnt care. also i skipped a few eps in my first go so. like dark tower bc i didnt want to see gwen hurt. so i missed out on the emotional impact of that.

Impression now: after rewatching i can see her character arc a lot better. i still think her arc wasnt well done. but thats because the execution was lacking, rather than the trajectory of her character not making sense. because it actually makes a lot of sense.

like in season 1, she is basically immune. she is caught aiding mordred and yet she can get away with uther yelling at her and have it all be forgotten with an apology. meanwhile tom is executed for being seen with a sorcerer. when she wants to kill uther, i dont think she thinks she will be caught. nobody would ever dare accuse morgana and arthur would never suspect it. 

then she discovers she has magic herself and all of that immunity is gone. and without that safety net she becomes willing to endanger so many people, including the allies of magic in camelot. you know, people she would be screaming at the defence of previously.  

her in 1x10 is a small glimpse of what she could have been. a force for good. someone willing to actually fight against what uther and rulers like him were doing. and i would have loved to see that. 

but thats not what the writers chose. instead she regains her footing in hatred and blaming everyone for the fear she felt of death and disgust she felt of herself once she became one of those she defended but saw as beneath her none the less. 

and i will never not be salty about how they skipped over her turning evil and how flat she became. like. let me have a deeply evil terrifying witch damn it! 

i think what makes her terrifying is that she doesnt want power. not really. she wants revenge. she wants to take everything arthur cares about. she wants the throne because arthur doesn't get to have it. she wants camelot to kill its people. she doesnt care about power beyond how much pain she can cause with it. and thats so terrifying. enemy with no goal but to cause you pain. and knows all your weaknesses and can fool the people you have wronged to think she is fighting for their salvation. how do you even fight that? 

idk i just think it was underutilised. again she was just a conflict generator the writers used until the final battle. even then mordred was more significant than morgana. 

Favorite moment: just her in the entirety of beginning of the end. if i had to pick one moment it would be her goading arthur to look behind the curtain. its just so good.

Idea for a story: again... the WIPs. but one i havent written yet.

i had one au where arthur found out about her magic on accident and like. it kicked off a whole plot of her learning magic, and arthur finally facing how terrible uther is and getting his shit together. its not a very detailed idea. morgause would probably use this opportunity to manipulate arhtur. agravain would proably be not evil, tho still a spineless slimy noble. idk.

Unpopular opinion: this is not going to be a surprise to people who know me, but i dislike pretty much all of the discussion ive seen about 2x03. 

fandom seems to be stuck on this dichotomy of either merlin should have told her about his magic and by not doing so he betrayed her— he did not. merlin tried to help her at the risk of his own life. go watch 2x03 again. or merlin reacted perfectly— also he did not. even while helping her, he still refused to acknowledge her magic.

in a situation where something invisible about you can get you killed, subtle word choices matter. merlins words, him continuing to say he wouldn't know if it was magic, even though they both knew it was and that the other also knew, means something. it means i will keep your secret but i cannot help you. this is by no means a moral failing of merlin. he made this choice out of fear for his own life, and i think it is unreasonable to expect him to react perfectly.

morgana in turn had no reason to go to merlin again about her magic. he has made it clear he doest want to be involved, which he has no responsibility to. and why would merlin be able to help her? he, as far as she knows, has no personal experience with magic except his sorcerer friend. 

besides, druids were the safest place for a her to be. it was the safest place for any warlock to be, including merlin.  her knowing or not knowing about merlin has nothing to do with it. like. everything that happens in camelot between merlin and morgana in season 2 is perfectly understandable. they didnt wrong each other. 

what merlin and morgana actually did wrong is getting all those druids killed because they didnt think the plan through. like all of those people in that camp died. aglain, the person helping morgana, died right in front of her and mordred. the druids were the only ones wronged in that situation. which i have never seen pointed out. 

Favorite relationship: her and mordred

listen there is only a singular instance of morgana genuinely hesitating to hurt somebody after her turn and that person is mordred.

Favorite headcanon: oracle!morgana. this is like a whole big headcanon thats basically the origin story of how draognlords came to be. something happened and oracles stole dragons wills and their births to give to mortals as punishment. and then a group of these people came to albion and became the Seers and the dragonlords. who have like different traditions to the druid seers and the priestesses who use methods adapted from scry methods.

thats why she can speak with aithusa even though aithusa cant speak. 

[just-another-hhazbin]

i have SO MANY headcanons get ready

first of allll........i heacanon angel has both bpd and hpd (bc so do i 😳). bpd is characterized by feeling isolated, intense emotions that the sufferer struggles to deal with, extreme fear of abandonment, drug/alcohol use, and suicidal ideation. on the other hand hpd is characterized by acting seductively and/or dramatically for attention (positive or negative), high sensitivity to criticism, constantly seeking reassurance and validation, and being excessively self centered.

and i like to think there’s some canon evidence to back me up here bc angel definitely seems to struggle with being seen as weak/not being good enough and reacts harshly when vaggie insults his appearance. i also headcanon angel is hypersexual and thinks the only reason anyone would ever love him is for sex, which is Sad but also a mood

that got long oopsie 😳 okay Anyway i also hc both angel and alastor are afab nonbinary 🥺 angel is genderfluid (goes from male to gender neutral to female uvu) and doesn’t really. care about pronouns but would say he/him if asked. alastor is agender (previously id’d as a trans guy) and their pronouns are he/they/it.

bonus hc: alastor has not otherwise specified psychotic disorder, basically in the form of auditory hallucinations (voices laughing and telling him to do things) with no other features. [as u can tell i’m projecting but Anyway]. al also has pretty graphic intrusive thoughts. one of the reasons he hates being close with people is because he’s afraid he’ll hurt them and end up being all alone again.

I need ALL the headcanons. 👀 They are my sole sustenance besides caffeine and chicken afjashdjfhasjkfs. 

Also, because I will repeat this on each and every single ask that discusses neurodivergent headcanons because I know some of y’all will yap about it if I don’t - we are firmly ignoring the implications of any character being canonly neurodivergent and what kind of rep that might provide while acknowledging that being neurodivergent has nothing to do with what makes a person “good” or “bad.” We also do not invalidate any neurodivergency in this house. Cool? Cool. Onwards!

The projection mood... 📓✍️  I can definitely see Angel with both/either of those disorders. He definitely shows signs of both from the glimpses we see in both the pilot and addict, though obligatory disclaimer that his environment between the drugs and Valentino definitely isn’t helping, him seeking out the risks and rush and attention, etc from those industries would be in line with either or both of those... I need more notes emojis asfhkjashf. But yes, I definitely see Angel exhibiting behavior in canon that would line up with those headcanons.  

I can also definitely see and understand hypersexual!Angel Dust, though I am somewhat guilty of harboring a love for ace!Angel Dust as well. Do I think hypersexual is much more likely canon-wise than ace? Yup. Do I love it anyway... yes I do.  I also agree with him seeing himself as unlovable and wanted only for sex - the implied abuse of Henroin would have damaged his self-esteem enough, nevermind some - 70? - years of working under Valentino, he of the abusive behavior and possible/probable gaslighting, along with whatever Anthony was doing in his life topside.

We know my nonbinary ass loves some nonbinary headcanons. Genderqueer Alastor and Angel Dust... are so important to meeee... (wipes a tear from my eye dramatically).  I tend to put Angel Dust somewhere between trans and genderqueer more than genderfluid, just someone who’s fully comfortable with himself/themself and knows he looks rocking no matter how he presents himself. But I can also see him as genderfluid! 🤔 Hell, I’m agender and I still have days where I poke myself and feel one gender more than another. The nonbinary mood...

Agender Alastor is something I love with all my agender heart, absolutely yes. (Nobody talk to me, I’m projecting.)  I know we’ve talked about agender al on here before but damnit we’re talking about them again. I think Alastor just does whatever the fuck Alastor wants, and when asked about a gender, it isn’t “boy” or “girl” or etc., it’s just... Alastor. They’re just themself. I do tend to have my agender Alastor use he/him pronouns more than they/them, just because he’s grown comfortable with them and is a bit stuck in the 1930s, but he’s also comfortable with they/them. It/Its are incredibly valid pronouns, but Experiences have led to them not being my personal preference.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  (And I stress the personal there. And then point to me projecting ajfdhskdhfas.)

[We all project a bit, it’s valid.] I’ve never really thought much about the possibility of him hearing voices, but with his impulsive behavior and mood swings from topside I wouldn’t necessarily be surprised, and I especially wouldn’t be surprised given his afterlife connection to the Loa and, ya know, the whole “Radio” thing.

I definitely headcanon Alastor as someone who is very impulsive and does have intrusive thoughts that he’s sometimes more than happy to carry out (ie on strangers) but is less than pleased with when they involve himself or those he cares about. He has no real desire to see his people hurt, but he’ll still catch himself thinking about it, maybe the shadows darkening a bit, his hands straying... and then he’ll catch himself and make up an excuse to hurriedly leave and collect himself elsewhere or go on a killing spree as an (invalid) coping method.  I also agree that I definitely think Alastor fears loneliness and silence, and maybe I’ve just read Jadeile’s “Afterlife” too many times, but you cannot convince me that Alastor isn’t a touch-starved extrovert. He was a charming and popular radio host in life, he probably had all the attention he could’ve wanted and then some. That’s probably how he made a few of his kills, even. But in Hell where every other street his plastered with signs warning people to run from him? Yeah. Also, he’s just incredibly clingy and manhandling through the pilot, and I think part of that is because he’s finally around people who won’t just run screaming if he so much as speaks to them (unlike pretty much everyone else, as seen in the comic).

Okay, I went off on a couple tangents there, but. Yes. I’m done now sadkjfh.

[brvdleymilligan]

HLO slinks in thru a bead curtain.......... truly sry this took me so long to concoct bt i’m here now, hand on hip, smiling coyly at u all...... i’m nai n i’m rly excited to b here so i’ll just dive right in!! u can find bradley’s pinterest board here n her muse tag here. like this or hmu for plots!

[ cis female, she/her, margaret qualley , twenty-four ] i can’t be sure, but i think i just saw BRADLEY MILLIGAN drive onto the parkway. don’t they know we’re not supposed to be driving on that haunted road right now? maybe it has to do with the fact that they’re so +RESILIENT and -VOLATILE that makes them feel UNPHASED about everything going on. i guess we could also chalk it up to the fact that they’re always reminding me of LEMON IN A FRESH CUT, THE AMBER BLINK OF AN ANGRY ALLEY CAT, GRINNING WITH BLOOD ON YOUR TEETH. either way, i hope they get back safely. [ nai, she/her, 24, gmt ]

aesthetics: singeing a hole in your fishnets with the cherry of a menthol, spitting a pistachio behind the bar just to hear it ping off the nozzle top bottles, lemon in a fresh cut, a war torn poppy standing alone in an empty field, pressing thumbs to yellow bruises, stomping over flowerbeds when there’s a path right besides it, dangling over ledges just to feel your chest jolt, a snarling rottweiler that needs muzzling, limp feet poking out behind a door, ‘I PROMISE I DON’T BITE’ scrawled on a name tag, slapping a bald head in front of you at the cinema like it’s a bongo, not owning a single jacket that isn’t stolen, driving a stranger’s car down the wrong lane against the screaming traffic, hair more feral than a wolf cub and eyes smudgier than a coal mine.  

BACKGROUND:

ok SO. her father owns a strip club in crescent hill named no angels. it’s kind of.... a seedy establishment i won’t lie. hs a red glowing sign like it’s lighting up a window in amsterdam. cigarette butts floating in oil slick puddles outside. unsavoury characters crawling all over like rats in a sewer. despite this it’s a legitimate business on the surface of things n it does pretty well in trade. it’s like.... that place people warn u NOT to have ur bachelor party at unless u fancy urself the type tht willingly enters a lion’s den bt tht almost??? adds to the allure in a way??? ppl r like wow so sketchy it’s the thrill of a lifetime........ i mean run while u still can bt go off i guess

it isn’t Confirmed Public Knowledge bt it’s pretty heavily implied thru the rumour mill that bradley’s father is the head of a gang of rly............ Not Nice people. all the ppl that work for him u would hands down NOT want to run into in a dark alley. while things seem legitimate on the suface it’s pretty clear they’re into shady dealings n the townsfolk that suspect that would indeed b correct! the club’s a front for a drug business n they’re also washing n running counterfeit cash thru it. they probably also have their hands dipped into a few other local businesses to run their cash thru these too n keep it all seemingly by the books so nobody comes sniffing around. they even r friends with a member of local law enforcement that’s working w them for a cut so they honestly have all bases covered to keep things airtight n foolproof. perhaps a business in reed too which bradley oversees bt i haven’t given this Too Much thought as of yet??

so ya she’s grown up fairly local most of her life n would maybe be known around town as such.................. the milligans r certainly Interesting as far as families go so like. it honestly wldn’t surprise me if ppl nudge elbows when they see one of them coming n immediately walk in the opposite direction. just quite an intimidating presence...... they’re like caged animals where ur specifically instructed NOT to stick ur fingers between the bars bc they WILL bite

on a more personal note her dad is pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story.

(abuse tw) they had a horrible marriage n tony ws emotionally manipulative at the best of times, violent at worst, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole unhealthy mess.

(death implied tw) anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline

(drugs implied tw) she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n often gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

(hospitalisation tw) she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

CUT TO!!!! the present. she’s currently living at the motel which is like. the least homely place she cld ever live rly but bradley loves making her life uncomfortable n doesn’t rly believe in growing sentimentally attached to anything if she cn help it <3 probably gets into arguments all the time w her neighbours it’s a whole thing.... atrocious at feeding herself has breakfasts frm the vending machine like her organs aren’t screaming fr vegetables.... plays music too loud n sometimes vanishes for days at a time without a word. she’s a lot.

i honestly feel like the murders haven’t rly phased bradley too hugely....... i won’t lie she probably genuinely is like. oh maybe it’s smthn to do w my dad. n just blinks the other way not rly that phased. on some subconscious level i think she rly just thinks........ death follows her wherever she goes n is like. this is just life for me! kind of depressing. holds her hand bt then screams n pulls away when she inevitably bites me.

PERSONALITY:

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

(alcoholism tw) high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u (rare) and u murder a man in cold blood (not so rare in the broad scheme of bradley’s life) she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. ALL her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality. definitely NOT a romantic. very cut n dry abt these things. sex is mostly just sex n she’d kind of scoff at anyone that wanted more from her

mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. huge chunky stomping boots with steel toe caps that would RLY bruise if they gave u a kick. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hs kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content. the only time she rly looks put together is when she has to do something/go somewhere/see someone on behalf of her father....... he kind of uses her as a sort of. honey pot sometimes fr shit his gang get up to it’s like. not! a way u should ever utilise ur daughter but :/ i cannot stress enough how much i wna drop kick him in the neck

she’s v sarcastic. blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s very confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever if she feels like it. independent too like she hs a bunch of (predominantly surface connection) friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone n does this often. she’s probably kind of known around town bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

likes: drunken snow angels that drag on so long they flirt with pneumonia, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops to watch them explode, shooting pedestrian’s with bb guns from hidden spots on rooftops. 

dislikes: telling the truth, tulips so yellow it’s like they’re gloating, playing music loud enough to fry your brain and serve it on a piece of toast, going home.

PLOTS:

someone tht works at the ‘no angels’ strip club?? either as a dancer or bartender or whtever. just a forewarning it’s probably gna b a pretty….. seedy and Not That Pleasant environment bc it’s like. a crime hotspot inevitably bc it’s a gang hangout so. ur chara wld truly be in fr a rollercoaster ride to say the least

(drugs tw) she deals coke fr her dad’s gang so perhaps ur muse buys off her

anyone….. she’s brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship honestly bradley is. a handful...... it’s also rly not often she ties herself down tbh so this would maybe have to b discussed/be circumstantial/kind of rare)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n broke the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

maybe people who r her neighbours that live at the motel too??

OH it could b fun if ur muse runs or works at a local business maybe like. a bar? idk? n bradley n ur muse have developed a rapport bc she frequents the place n is................ a Character

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[trensu]

Episode 14: The One where LWJ Sings to WWX, y’know, Like a Bro

WE’RE STILL IN THE BEST CAVE IN THE WORLD GUYS

AND WE START OFF WITH ~THEIR SONG~ PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND AS LWJ GENTLY WAKES UP.

And first thing he notices is that he woke up with his forehead ribbon on his forehead where it’s supposed to be (it’s right there in the name) 

Wwx: oh yeah, i put it back on you while you were sleeping. I know how nervous you get when you’re not wearing it.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

DID YOU?

HE PUT IT BACK ON HIM TO SPARE HIM ANXIETY

(You can't tell me that LWJ does not low-key have anxiety. Nobody's that much of a stickler for rules without being constantly anxious about breaking them. That's just facts)

Also, lol, the minute lwj wakes up, wwx is all “ah, must be 5am.” HE’S KEEPING TRACK OF TIME WITH LWJ’S SLEEP HABITS LOLOLOL

Now wwx and lwj are talking Important Escape Details

Wwx: yeah, went back into the pond and it looks like the Murder Turtle blocked off the escape route

Lwj: you shouldn’t be going into the pond with your injury

Wwx: i’m not that delicate!

And then he turns it around and asks lwj how well the medicine was working on his leg (it’s all better now, i guess?? idk he seems fine now. wq’s medicine is MAGIC)

BECAUSE THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER

Here we learn the official name of the Murder Turtle

Lwj: it’s like a xuanwu but not

Wwx: xuanwu?? *proceeds to describe what he knows about it*

Lwj: *is impressed and surprised*

Have more faith in your soulmate lwj. He reads! Sometimes! When it’s important!

Wwx: aren’t xuanwus supposed to have sharp teeth? Like Grrr

HE MAKES THE MOST ADORABLE GROWLY FACE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE AND MAKES THE CUTEST GROWL SOUND AT LWJ. AHHHHH!

But also, he’s disappointed that the xuanwu didn’t have sharp teeth?? WWX, THE THING TRIED TO EAT YOU JUST YESTERDAY. BE GRATEFUL IT DOESN’T HAVE SHARP TEETH

Wwx: it doesn’t even matter what it is! It’s a big monster and if we kill it we’ll be Big Damn Heroes

So EXCITED and EAGER and he has this MISCHIEVOUS LOOK ON HIS FACE. Obviously he’s suffered brain damage

Wwx: and, ah, if it kills us, it’s okay bc it’ll be an AWESOME death lol

Lwj just stares at him LOL

His face is like, “this guy? This is the guy my heart decided to fall for?? Really???”

Okay so now they’re being all sneaky and gathering up bows and arrows that surround the pond and then they go back and get to work on fixing them and preparing for battle

We get to see lwj practicing the chord assassination technique like a BADASS

They come up with a plan!! Wwx will go into the Murder Turtle’s shell to coax him out of it so that lwj can then, idk, decapitate it with his Killer String.

(that’s...not how actual turtles work, but bc this is a magic murder turtle, i figure the rules don’t apply)

AHHHHH

LWJ DOES A THING

So obvs since wwx has to go inside the shell and lwj has to stay outside the shell they gotta communicate right and Ancient Fantasy China does not have good cell reception

Wwx: listen to me

And with that verbal cue, lwj does this thing that makes his fingers glow with spiritual energy and then taps wwx’s forehead which then has a little burst of the glow for half a second.

And TA-DAH! NOW THEY’RE PSYCHICALLY LINKED!!! 

THEY’RE SOULMATES AND NOW THEY’RE PSYCHICALLY LINKED YOUR OTP COULD NEVER

It must be a link that only lets them hear what the other wants them to hear otherwise wwx would’ve found out lwj is smitten with him right there and then, omg, that could’ve saved us so much heartbreak later on

But we’re not gonna think about that right now bc i don’t want to short-circuit my keyboard with tears

YUCK, wwx is inside the Murder Turtle’s shell and it’s SUPER GROSS

EVERYTHING IS ALL RED

THE FLOOR’S ALL MUDDY AND GUMMY

THERE’S LIKE, FLESHY ROPES HANGING EVERYWHERE

DISGUSTING

Wwx: ewww, it stinks so bad i wanna puke *chokes back bile*

BE STRONG WWX, YOU CAN DO THIS

And now he’s bumped into some dead bodies 

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR FACE SO CLOSE TO THE DEAD BODIES WWX, THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA. YOU WERE JUST COMPLAINING ABOUT THE STENCH 2 SECONDS AGO, AND NOW YOU’RE SHOVING YOUR FACE IN IT???

Oh noooo, now he’s found the Screaming Sword of Resentment that screams bloody murder at him

He grabs it and stabs Murder Turtle in the face which makes Murder Turtle mad enough to get out of the shell

We’re going to continue to ignore the bad cgi and ridiculously over the top fighting moves

...and the way he floats horizontally(??? somehow??) as the Murder Turtle tries to shake him off

My poor bb is hanging on for dear life while lwj does his Killer String thing

I LOVE LWJ’S DETERMINED FACE HERE!!

His brow is all scrunched up and his mouth gets all pinched and firm. SO DASHING LAN ZHAN, GO SAVE YOUR SOULMATE.

But oh no! The resentful energy pouring from the sword is getting to wwx!

Uh oh, I did not like the look of that grin on wwx’s face

that was NOT HIS MISCHIEVOUS GRIN

THAT WAS A MALEVOLENT GRIN.

I DON’T LIKE IT

STOP THAT WWX

BE A GOOD BOY

Lwj shouts his name, he’s so worried!!

And now we see wwx use resentful energy for the first time ever!!

In a badass move he starts levitating all the abandoned swords and staffs that littered the shore AND USES THEM TO STAB THE MURDER TURTLE IN THE THROAT

SO COOL, SO COOL

Murder Turtle flops over dead and takes wwx down with him INTO THE POND AND WWX IS UNCONSCIOUS!! NOOOOOOO

Lwj, ofc, rushes to his side as soon as he hits the water and rescues him

He gets him out of the pond and takes him to dry land

Lwj: wei ying, wei ying! Wake up, wake up

GUYS, THIS IS THE MOST EMOTION WE’VE HEARD IN HIS VOICE SO FAR

HE’S REPEATING HIMSELF FOR GOODNESS SAKE

HE OF FEW WORDS GOES ON TO REPEAT HIMSELF TWICE OVER

HE’S FREAKING OUT

Oh gross, we cut to the Evil Wen’s lair 

C’mon nobody cares about whatever’s going on there. Get us back to the important stuff!!! I am Done listening to evil wens ranting

AHH WE’RE BACK IN THE CAVE WITH OUR BOYS!!

WWX REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS!!

Wwx: lan zhan, is it dead?

Lwj: yes

Wwx: yes? (he says weakly, in disbelief, MY POOR WWX)

Wwx: is it dead? (why’s he repeating himself, WWX ARE YOU OKAY??)

(I mean, obviously he's not what with the murder turtle thing but I don't think he can afford to get more brain damage at this point)

Lwj: yes, it is.

Oh and now wwx is telling lwj about all the screaming voices he heard from the sword and asks him if he was dreaming those up

LIKE HE’S NOT TRUSTING HIS GRASP ON REALITY RN OR SOMETHING!!

AND HE’LL ONLY TRUST IT IF LWJ CONFIRMS IT FOR HIM

BC HE TRUSTS HIM AND THEY’RE SOULMATES!!!

Lwj reassures wwx that he did not dream up those screams

(Somebody should probably check him for a concussion,jic. I mean those screams were real THIS time but you never know!!)

(Maybe concussions don't exist in Ancient Fantasy China, idk)

Wwx is all pale and shaky!! MY POOR WWX!! Lwj is rightfully fussing over him

He lets out a weak laugh (BC THAT’S HIS COPING MECHANISM, DIFFUSE THE SITUATION WITH HUMOR, MY POOR WWX) and is like “who knew that one day i’d get to see the 2nd jade of lan look so worried?”

IT’S BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU, WWX, YOU DENSE IDIOT

Lwj doesn’t respond but he does look away briefly LIKE HE’S AFRAID OF WWX SEEING SO MUCH EMOTION ON HIS FACE

AAHHHH, LAN ZHAN, IT’S OKAY, DON’T HIDE AWAY LIKE THAT!! I PROMISE WWX LOVES YOU TOO!!!

WWX: lan zhan, i didn’t think i’d survive this

He whispers weakly AS HIS BODY IS STARTS TO TREMBLE LIKE CRAZY

Lwj: wei ying, you have a fever

And then he brings wwx’s wrist close to start pouring in some spiritual energy

SO GENTLY, WITH SUCH DEDICATED CONCENTRATION

BC HIS WEI YING IS HURTING AND HE WANTS TO MAKE IT STOP

AAHHHHH

WWX: that’s so soothing lan zhan

Oh jeez, the way he sounds when he says that...

And omg the way lwj looks in the blue glow of the spiritual energy transfer

AS IF HE DIDN’T ALREADY LOOK LIKE SOME SORT OF HOLY DEITY, HE’S LEGIT GLOWING NOW TOO

WWX: how boring...why hasn’t jc showed up to rescue me yet?

Uh, rude much? Lwj is right there

AND HERE WE COLLECTIVELY LOSE OUR MINDS BC WWX ASKS LWJ TO SING TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!

AND LWJ STARTS TO SING TO HIM!!!!!

AND THIS IS WHERE WE GET ~THEIR SONG~ ACKNOWLEDGED BY THE CHARACTERS FOR THE FIRST TIME BC THAT’S WHAT HE SINGS TO WEI YING

AND WHILE HE SINGS, WE GET GIVEN THE MOST WONDERFUL OF ALL FLASHBACKS. 

IT IS A COMPILATION OF ALL THEIR IMPORTANT MOMENTS TOGETHER SO FAR

THEIR MOONLIT ROOFTOP SWORD FIGHT!!

THEIR COLD POND CAVE MARRIAGE!!

THEIR BUNNY LANTERN!!

BASICALLY EVERYTHING I’VE BEEN SCREAMING ABOUT THESE PAST 14 EPISODES

I’M LITERALLY TEARING UP

I CNA’T TAKE IT

MY HEART, MY HEART 💕💕💕

THEY’RE SINGING ~THEIR SONG~ AND I’M DYING OF FEELINGS OVERLOAD

Also, jfc, there’s no Heterosexual explanation for that flashback sequence…

Wwx: it sounds so nice, so nice, what’s the name of the song…?

AHHHHHH!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

LWJ TELLS HIM THE NAME OF THE SONG!!

!!HE PRACTICALLY CONFESSES HIS ETERNAL UNDYING LOVE TO HIM

AND WWX HAS TO FUCKING PASS OUT BEFORE HE HEARS IT GOD DAMN IT

IT’S LIKE GETTING COCKBLOCKED, BUT LIKE, EMOTIONALLY WHICH IS SO MUCH WORSE  WTF

And when wwx wakes up again, he’s out of the cave!

But instead of seeing lwj’s godly visage, he wakes up to that peacock jzx and is like “you??”

Jc shows up!

Wwx: where’s lan zhan?

Jc: he left

Wwx: he left?? But he’s still injured!!

Jc: so is everyone else!! And he went back to gusu so…

Wwx: but he--

Jc: A THANK YOU WOULD BE NICE

Jc: IT’S NOT LIKE I TRAVELED WITHOUT REST FOR 7 DAYS TO GET HELP AND RESCUE YOU

Now we got to go through Plot Things

We’re at Lotus Pier!! (where wwx proceeds to pass out again!! Get used to it guys, he does this a lot)

Then the yunmeng sibs have a beautiful moment together

Okay, we’re gonna pause here BC WWX IS SO FREAKING ADORABLE??

He gets all pouty and asks jyl to clean his face for him bc his arms are too tired and jyl does it bc she loves her brother

AND HIS ADORABLE FACE

HIS SO CUTE ADORABLE FACE WHEN SHE CLEANS HIM UP

I CAN’T I CAN’T

IT’S TOO MUCH

HOW IS THIS GUY AN ACTUAL PERSON THAT EXISTS 

Lol, wwx is like, i wish you’d been there in the cave with me jc, lan zhan almost bored me to death

What a liar, lol

Like he wasn't completely enraptured by LWJ's presence the ENTIRE TIME

Oh yikes, we’ve got some screwed up family dynamics in the Jiang Family courtesy of m-yu and jfm.

For the sake of my sanity we’re gonna gloss over that

Now that the parents stormed off, wwx does his best to console jc (bc his parents, double yikes)

Now watch me as a break down sobbing when wwx makes A PROMISE HE WON’T BE ABLE TO KEEEEEP

I’ll be your right hand man, he tells him. Gusu has the twin jades, but yunmeng will have twin heroes, he says

(WHY MUST YOU HURT ME THIS WAY, SHOW, WHYYYYY)

After wwx says those things about the twins, he looks up at the sky wistfully and asks jc “do you think we’ll ever see them again?”

“Them” he says, like he’s not completely talking about just lan zhan

jc’s like how the heck would i know???

And we end the episode with wwx still gazing at the sky, dreaming about his lan zhan

I mean, we don’t see it, the dreams or thoughts or whatever, but we kNOW IN OUR HEARTS THAT’S WHAT HE’S DOING

This was a Very Heterosexual episode. For that I give it 10/10 stars. I would watch that flashback sequence with him singing over and over and over and over and over and ov--

Return to Masterpost

[ayankun]

Sooooooooooooo can we talk about SPN S6?

Ok so Eric Kripke had a five year plan, and that worked out somehow and then the show kept going.  And I’ll be honest, the whole “gotta save Sam from himself even though he’s basically fine all the time and isn’t actually a risk even though everyone keeps saying he is” storyline was dragging and I was looking forward to this arc finally wrapping up so we could discuss something else.

Be careful what you wish for, right?  I wanted serialization and when I got it, I wanted to go back to the episodic stuff.  I wanted to finish this story and start the next, but now that it’s started I ... I’m hoping the next ten seasons aren’t as awkward as this season’s been so far. :/

IDK.  S1-5 are dated in their own ways, and I was insanely curious as to how busting into the 2010s was going to affect the style of the show, especially as the decade progressed, but -- WOW I wasn’t expecting it to go full CW dreck overnight.

And it’s not just the storylines (which have been unfocused and meandering so far (I’m on ep 6)), but the whole production quality took a hit.  I can understand how changing up the chain of command at the top can trickle down, but should changing showrunners mean that you bring different cameras to different locations, and when you splice the scene together it looks like it comes from two different shows?  There seems to be more studio work, too, with crappy studio equipment, and all the evocative “Americana” backwoods of BC has been traded for and compressed into downtown Vancouver. 

What happened to the budget?  Wasn’t this show at the top of its class at the time?  Did they not trust the change over and told them to make do?  Did the whole network just downgrade overnight?  Arrow won’t be on the air for another two years, and I’m already well familiar with the overall production quality for this network from there on out.  So am I burdened with foresight?  Is SPN doomed to ride out another ten years as a vapid vehicle for ads like everything in the Flarrowverse will do?

Ok so look.  Back to storylines, and back to overall style.  I’m having a hard time describing, even to myself, what this bad taste is, because it’s the sum of its parts.  So where, specifically, are the differences?  Storylines -- no, let me correct myself, I mean to discuss structure.  S1 blew me away because the monster of the week plots were just glorified MacGuffins upon which character work could be safely installed.  And the character work was so good!  Sam and Dean, on the road!  Chasing mysteries!  Saving folks!  Having so many daddy issues!!!  Having each other’s backs until that one time where they keep never having each other’s backs until they suddenly do again?!!  Who cared about whether you can trust a crossroads demon, or who Michael was going to wear to prom??  NOT ME.  Just string enough cause and effect together to support the weight of those sad tortured repressed looks Dean can’t stop giving Sam.  Please.  That’s all I need.  Keep giving me enough narrative runway to let Sam go wild with his SAINTLIKE patience as he tries and fails and tries again to convince his stupid brother that the weight of the world can be split between two pairs of shoulders.

Where is this connection, in S6 so far?  We had a whole episode about Bobby, and I will not be shy to say I skipped through most of it.  No offense to Bobby (and none to Jensen, who evidently directed it), because obvs this story has opened up so much since S1 and the surviving supporting characters don’t mean nothing, BUT.  But.  You can’t even reward me with a little Sam and Dean bonding moment for all that?

Oh, right.  This season isn’t about Sam and Dean.  It’s about Dean.  Dean is the main character now, and heaven help me he’s been the main character since somewhere back in S5.  This is a story about Dean, the survivor, who is shackled not only with survivor’s guilt but guilt about having the thing he always wanted AS WELL AS guilt about not knowing how to do that thing right.  I’m fine with this, for the record.  I want to see Dean’s emotional trauma.  That is literally what I’m all about.  But ... where is Sam in this dilemma?  What part does he play?

I read ahead a little, and I know that some of Sam’s not-Samness is literally part of the plot, so I’m acknowledging that it’s there on purpose and not a horrible mistake.  As of this last ep, this season is clearly setting the stage for Dean vs Sam, and not in a brotherly way.  In a “if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Sam is the Big Bad of the Season and I bet the next 15 episodes will be similarly strained” way.  It’s that different kind of storyline I asked for, but didn’t want.  Dean can’t engage with Sam in the same way as before, so I can’t engage with Dean (engaging with Sam) at all.

Also, I know there’s no law that says villains have to be likable, but Samuel Campbell isn’t just unlikable, he’s un-engagingly so.  Even if there’s some kind of 11th hour twist and he’s not some kind of mega evil, they’re not shy about leading you down the road where he is that ultimate adversary to overcome.  I mean, I’m being told not to like him, and he’s honestly not characterized as someone I’d like anyway, so I just end up putting all my “meh >:/ “ feels onto not just the character but his narrative reason for existence.  I want this to be a different story (one that I like), but it’s not, and he’s in it because it’s not, therefore the story he’s in is a bad one (that I don’t like).

And I’m still not sure how to express the way the mise en scène screams “CW bitchezzzzz!!!” whereas before it just politely stated “This is Supernatural, a show from the late 2000s on network television.”  This undefinable shift in cinematic tone really rubs me the wrong way and I can’t even discern what the shift is!!!!!!!!!

Also the poor hapless nobodies in the monster of the week episodes seemed to be framed differently.  More intimately?  Like they were real people having a bad day.  So far S6 nobodies really feel like nobodies.  ALSO, TANGENT, there was a particular fine line to the comedy in S1-5 which has become just ... simultaneously garish but also flat in S6 so far.  Compare Pestilence wiping exorcist goop off his face with a subtly outlandish sound effect to, idk, Jared and Jensen lifelessly needling Twilight.

ok so that takes me to my last thought.  We spend five seasons wondering and worrying and panicking about what some demon blood is going to do to Sam, but now in S6 Dean can just be a vampire for like, half an episode and that’s fine.  There’s no gravitas.  No weight.  No stakes (sorry, that’s a pun we’ll just have to live with).  And no payoff!  Sam’s POV is not on the table anymore, for narrative reasons.  He’s not allowed to open himself up for the audience to get a crack at what’s going on in that big ol’ noggin.  So we’re stuck on the outside, with Dean, alone, and that’s the opposite of what I ever wanted to see.

(sorry this literally only just hit me as I was going to post -- where is the rock?  Better question: where is the foundation this show spent five years laying?)

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Naruto Shippuden S21

What a tender intro omg also why is this filler so well animated

The introduction of modern technology will never not be funny to me. Kakashi on a laptop. Gaara sending emails. What has the ninja world come to 

I know it’s just superfluous background motion but that angry little cat design was amazing. Takes me tf out 

Hello again New English Iruka Voice time to feel slightly uncomfortable 

Doesn’t Inuyasha have a monopoly on this baby with a red ball imagery

Why! Is! No one! Making sure! Naruto is fed! He’s a baby!!!!!!

Naruto and Sasuke were such adorable children my heart

SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THE FAMILY WHERE ONE OF THE CHILDREN IS JUST A FROG? WHO IS DOING THESE BACKGROUND ANIMATIONS?????

In case you thought I wasn’t being literal:

[Accompanying dialogue to this image: “Did you hear the rumours that Lord Fourth died because of him?” WHO IS THIS FROG CHILD WITH A VENDETTA AGAINST MINATO]

This ninja cowboy music seems slightly misplaced but okay

Hiruzen. U r the literal ninja president. Naruto is foraging in the forest for food bc no one is taking care of him! How r u like ‘Hahah I’m hungry too :D’ 

“The things that we inconsequential humans worry about are often very petty indeed” “You’re right” It’s Philosophy Hours ft. Pre-Schoolers 

“Are you sure these mushrooms are safe to eat? “Won’t know ‘til we eat ‘em” HIRUZEN PICK UP THE PHONE 

SCREAMS FIVE YEAR OLD NARUTO JUST JUMPED OFF THE HOKAGE MONUMENT AHHHHHH

I miss Neji :((((((((((((((((

“Please make sure that you look after Neji” show us Neji’s mum you cowards!!!

“You have to be more positive, and confident!” Nejiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii my boy

“I wish that I could switch places with you, big brother” There’s a lot to unpack here and I’m wildly concerned about all of it. This episode ought to be titled Konoha Desperately Requires Child Welfare Programs

Making an mini-episode which largely depicts Neji’s tragic backstory and centring its ending on Hinata seems like an odd angle to take

 “I’m alone. I don’t have anyone, but I never cry” NARUTOOOOO

KJHFKJHG THIS NINJA BASEBALL OUTRO I LOVE IT 

SASUKE USING HIS SHARINGAN TO CHEAT AT BASEBALL I WHEEZE

Also not that I don’t like Genma but why is he a central figure in this ending. Has he had more than a single conversation with Naruto in his life

Lmao @ Sasuke and Itachi’s child versions going back to having their adult voices. Pick a lane SP!!!

“Things in season are always cheap and tasty” “Oh, is that so, Sasuke? Hahaha” Sasuke learning about the ninja economy

“We’re going to visit your mother’s family” Two questions: 1) Aren’t your families the same family (eep) and 2) Don’t they all live in the same part of the village

90% of this dialogue is recycled from prior episodes except delivered more slowly and it’s a little confusing 

Itachi sure knows a lot about cooking for an eleven-year-old 

Sasuke being a clumsy child is such a cute character detail ahhhh I love him so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“[Confused laughter] You want to be like me?” What a Mood Itachi

Sakura’s hideout in the woods is so sweet yes 2 semi-normal childhoods

Poor little Sakura already concerned about her appearance they never let girls live do they

“You’re really cute Sakura, don’t hide it” Ino and Sakura are the most adorable children in the WORLD I love their relationship 4ever

“If she’s cute like you say, then I would love to meet her” who will stop all men

“But Ino, aren’t you good friends with Sakura?” “No, not really” Okay not to project but. I have a lot of thoughts on this narrative 

GASP Inner Sakura’s first appearance!!

Tiny Team 7 is all I need in the world honestly I would watch a whole show that was just those three growing up

I have only just now noticed Suigetsu as third baseman. This ninja baseball game and season in general raise so many questions

Noooo Gaara don’t cry you are gonna be so loved in the future

Rasa, can I just say, from the bottom of my heart, I’m going to yeet you into the sun

“When I look up at the sky, the pain inside my heart feels a little bit better” He’s like 4!!!!!!! >:(

“Instead of a mother, you get to have me, Lord Gaara” Yashamaru: Self-Diagnosed Mumncle 

Ngl baby Gaara’s recollection of Karura is nothing like she looked like

I really don’t care for this new Iruka voice I just keep listening to him like ‘that’s not the sound of Naruto’s dad!!’

I will admit him spooking the sleeping children was cute I don’t know why I always find that so funny kjhgkjhg

“Let me buy into this fight” who taught seven-year-old Naruto to gamble

Christ alive the implication that Naruto has been doing the sexy jutsu since he was seven who will put this boy in ninja therapy

If Orochimaru had just continued to be Jiraiya’s long-suffering friend he might be half-endearing but alas he is fecal matter personified 

“Come on out, I made plenty, so you might as well stay and eat” Hjgjfjgfgffg I’m not sure what’s funnier about this scene the implication that Obito and Rin both independently followed Kakashi home without noticing each other, or that Kakashi did notice and rather than question this turn of events was just like “Guess I should make more fish”

“When you’re older, do you think you’ll become a chef” I would pay to see the AU where Kakashi becomes a professional chef why couldn’t that have been his Road to Ninja persona 

Ngl I spent the first half of Kakashi’s minisode wondering if Sakumo was dead or simply too depressed to take care of Kakashi and I think dead is the less upsetting outcome 

“It’s no fun when you’re not around, Kakashi” Obitooooooooooooooo

I’m not saying it’s suspicious that Sakumo is given two different depictions of his grave site in the anime but Sakumo fucked an alien and I stand by that statement 

All I remember from Sasuke Shinden is that a character called Sasuke “Sassy” as a nickname and if they do that in the Eng dub I won’t survive

“[Deep sigh] Alright Sakura, what is it?” Fhfjhfkjh what’s your damage Kakashi can’t your kids come to visit when people start exploding

God Sakura and Ino’s relationship is the realest.... she went to the Hokage bc her gal was worried abt her family friend and then comforted her from her loss... the looooooooove

Hinata not to devalue your work in any way but why did u collapse after poking one (1) man in the chakra point isn’t gentle fist based in taijutsu

Fhjfhkjhf I’ve seen that gif before of Kakashi knowing that Sakura was thinking about Sasuke but it’s still funny

Sasuke just hanging in the woods with kittycats what kinda redemption journey is this lmao

Ehehehe I’m still not over the fact that Sasuke recognizes Sai’s jutsu and Kakashi uses it to communicate like there are six members of team 7 and this arc PROVES IT HELL YEAH

I can’t believe I forgot the circus ninja oh my god 

“There’s good money to be found for performers like us” MOVE OVER EXPLODING HUMANS WHERE’S MY EPISODE ABOUT THE NINJA CIRCUS 

Everyone always commenting on the pupils and sclera of the Hyuga and Uchiha but nobody caring about Old Man Demon Eyes from the Bamboo Village:

You’d think at this point no amount of genjutsu could traumatize Sasuke 

They’re leaning wholeheartedly into the ninja cowboy music

That is not how I thought they would pronounce “Sassy” this show is full of twists and turns

“What about reviving the Uchiha clan? You’re the lone survivor right?” said Chino, inquiring about when Sasuke was planning to have vaginal sex

“You really think you’re going to find him inside that seriously scary looking cave?” GASP IT’S TENZO TIME

AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE IT’S MY BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

“You’re Sasuke, right?” asked Yamato, as if Sasuke had not provided the memorable introduction of stabbing a seasoned ANBU in the shoulder as a sixteen-year-old during a dramatic reunion with his team

“It would be easier for us to keep things coordinated, if you sent us progress reports as you went...” Okay not to be that gal but I love that Tenzo and Kakashi are an “us” in this mini-lecture about how Sasuke should call his father (Kakashi) more often

P sure that’s Yamato’s last speaking role goodbye sweet man we knew ye well

“So does this mean that you trust me?” GO TO JAIL OROCHIMARU

Every time that Orochimaru touches Sasuke I want to leap through the screen you leave that boy alone!!! Go! To! Jail!

Sasuke having to explain his social life to Taka is a dynamic I never knew I needed. What more do I want from Naruto than frames like this:

"By showing everyone that Sasuke isn’t in the Hidden Leaf Village and that he’s still out journeying around the world, it reduces the possibility that the village will be harmed” “So are you saying that Sasuke has to keep travelling forever” “That might be so” I can’t believe the entirety of Taka came up with a better explanation for Sasuke staying outside Konoha than Kishimoto himself

“Compared to me, the likelihood that Kabuto will return to evil is extremely low”

He still helped kill......... 40,000 people????? Okay dude

I CAN’T BELIEVE OROCHIMARU IS ACKNOWLEDGING HE IS STILL EVIL!!!! GO TO JAIL!!

I’m gonna pretend I don’t see Tenzo following Stranger Danger and he’s on vacation on a beach where he belongs

Fhjkhfkjhfkj what’s the meaning of this Orochimaru you’ve looked the same since you were 25:

Sasuke: No. She’s older than I am

Orochimaru: [Soft gasp] What?

Man I remember vaguely Sasuke being involved in this fight based on the Tenzo novel scene later on but hoo boy I do not like this

SCREAMMMM TENZO TRYING TO PROTECT PPL IN THE AREA HE’S HELPING

“I can’t make direct contact with him, so I better go now” I hope it is because you filed a restraining order, Yamato

“To increase the rarity, what I’ve even done is, had all but one person in a clan killed” at this point En Oyashiro is just trying to bait Sasuke

God I love how righteous Sasuke is being rn like this is the kind of dismantling of oppression I wanted for him instead of sad murder times

This battle is bonkers:

Villain: Looks like you brought a sword to a dodgeball fight

Sasuke: Looks like you brought a dodgeball to a magic eyes fight!!

Well I certainly breezed past this part of Sasuke Shinden hello Fushin

I find it hard to believe that anyone but Naruto could best Sasuke rn 

I keep joking that those eyes in the sky look like Tenzo but I’m right and I should say it

What a long, drawn-out and slightly suspicious backstory for Chino (looking at you, Fushin of two personality types)

“But now you’re still able to travel freely... and that is all because you have people who love and protect you” Team 7 cutaway with closeups of Sakura and Naruto, Narusasusaku game strong

“For the Leaf’s nourishment, your entire clan was absorbed by your village’s Roots” wow what a shitty time for such an excellent pun

Unbelievable kkhkjhfk and by this I mean completely believable:  

Chino: Please explain your change of heart re: village corruption

Sasuke: I got a boyfriend

Unbelievable x2:

Chino: KILL ME 

Sasuke: Consider this.... you have.... boy who is friend. Good enough

Chino: Wow Sasuke, you’re right

Lmao @ Kakashi proudly announcing that Sasuke is about to enter an unsanctioned jutsu fight in a bet to free enslaved people how did this letter go “Dear Hokage-dad-Kakashi, I am writing to inform you...”

Even funnier: If Tenzo wrote the letter bc Sasuke is shite at contacting people: “Dear Kakashi-senpai, Brace yourself to be worried and proud—”

“Are you Sasuke’s...” yes Chino, whatever the end of that sentence is, you’re correct

Huh I could’ve sworn at least a good chunk of these freed people go to the Leaf. I didn’t make that conversation up. I have discussed it many times!!! My poor Tenzo cut out for more logical story lines I guess 

Omggggggg the Raikage is telling Sasuke about Naruto’s most vulnerable Sasuke moment..... the love!!! Is this the only reason they invited A lmao

En Oyashiro joining Rasa and Hiashi in the Bad Dad Club

I’ve said this before but Naruto and Sakura going on a date to talk about Sasuke is the most legit representation for their relationship I’ve ever seen that’s it that’s what them dating would be like 

“You’re just like a one man police force” lol @ them cutting out the fact that Sakura said this bc Sakura’s not allowed to have individual connections to Sasuke and also just like....... how much Sasuke still wants to be a cop kjhgkjhgk baby stop

I’ve belatedly realized that Kakashi types to the beat of the intro music and it makes me giggle

“The adult world can be complicated” is that ur way of saying ‘nepotism’ Kakashi

“I’m startin’ to get a belly” “I don’t want to hear about all that” PLS

“You two are really the only ones who are special to me” aw Shikamaru

That slap was A  Lot, Temari, surely there are better ways to tell Shikamaru you want him to be your boyfriend

“You don’t really think that Sai has—” “Well, he is very innocent.” 

Kakashi about Sai: He’s the baby of the family

Sai: I’m the oldest and most experienced of all the youth???

Kakashi: I mark ur ages by when I got you xoxo ur legal age is 3

I’m not sure that that’s the intonation I expected for Hinoko but I guess that’s on me for stereotyping teen girls hahah

“That’s my ninja way” “Our ninja way” I feel like this is shinobi flirtation

The outro with Little Team 7 fading to Big Team 7... I have but one heart

Also the implication that they took a photo immediately post war jhgkjhgkj. Kakashi still has a barely healed stab wound and twenty years of trauma. Sasuke and Naruto both just lost an arm. Also who brought a camera to the battlefield. Who took this picture. (Tenzo waking up from a 224 episode coma: We gotta take a family photo)

“You might consider yourself a member of Team 7, but I wonder if they think the same of you” [Naruto voice] Believe it!!!!!!

“If we just kill the lookouts, it’ll be like easy to get past the checkpoint” okay calm down Soku

Lmao Shikamaru struggling to deal with rebellious teens jhghjkg why are the anime episodes I watch so fitting to my own life

Man not to get 2 real it’s fucked up that Soku fears peace wyd militarism 

I don’t really believe that Soku is deserting the village but it’s a good tactic

[Panning to the bird scene at the beginning of this arc] We call that foreshadowing

Komori’s judgement seems to be clouded by his lowkey crush on Soku

“I’ve just been having these really bizarre dreams lately” that’s PTSD Shikamaru

“Feudal lords are always [tyrants] no matter where you go” then why.... do you have.... feudalism.......... [Tobirama screams in the afterlife]

Not to judge these guys so much but like.... ur ANBU and a veteran ninja surely you should have a disguise after faking your death??????? Kakashi, Iruka, what shinobi standards are you teaching exactly?? U didn’t even change ur hairstyles???

“Something similar happened to me as well” what are you... are you talking about when you pretended to be asleep during the Chunin exams because that’s not the same thing as sleeping under a pile of corpses Shikamaru 

NOOOOOOOOOO SAI WHY ARE THEY HANGING MY ANGEL FROM A CRUCIFIX 

AHHHHHHH I don’t like seeing Sai like this, Kakashi’s right he’s a baby!!

“Let’s just say I’ve found the place where I belong” Fhdjskhfksjhf this is definitely Root Code for something because Kakashi uses this line on Tenzo in his Tsukuyomi dream

“Then why didn’t Naruto come to get me? You and I have never been particularly close, so why were you the one who came here?” LMAO SAI ‘you’re not on my list of eligible rescuers Shikamaru 😒😒😒😒’ 

“Fret not, to me this is but a trifle” said Ro, lying prostrate on the ground in between groans of pain (same)

I mean... Gengo makes some pretty compelling arguments abt the shinobi system

“The alliance of nations that the Leaf is currently a part of... is only going to maintain a dark, tenuous peace” I mean... Gengo’s right even if he is a dick

“Lord Hokage told me everything... and I had a hell of a time getting it out of him too” “I don’t want to know what you did... I don’t even want to imagine it” JHGKJHGKJHG I WANNA SEE TEMARI INTERROGATING A FORMER ANBU, KAGE-LEVEL NINJA I LOVE IT

Wait are these last twelve outros dedicated to each of the rookie teams + Team Guy bc that would be adorable

JHGJHGGHGJHG DO WE ACTUALLY GET TO SEE TEMARI YELL AT KAKASHI

Update from 3 seconds later: We don’t but Kakashi’s “Euh?” sound as she knocks down his door is still very funny

“Friendship is useless” “If that’s true, then why are you crying right now” he’s been taking Sasuke lessons in his spare time

“Do you know of a man named ‘Zabuza Momochi’” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“These are my only friends” said Sai, about two giant cartoon lions 

Sai’s genjutsu scene was actually much sweeter in the book bc Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi and Yamato’s chakra were all protecting him inside his own mind but I don’t mind my boy getting a hug

HAHAHAHAHA WHAT IS THIS CUTAWAY TO NARUTO BATHED IN GOLDEN LIGHT ANNOUNCING “RAMEN” LIKE IT’S A WHOLE SENTENCE OKAY STUDIO PIERROT U NEED A BREAK I GET IT

“What in the hell was that?” that was also my question Shikamaru

Shikamaru with full conviction: To be lazy.... that is my dream 

Hahahaha it’s Ninja Teen Romance Hours I guess

“Oh, you don’t want to [go out on a date]?” No that’s not what I’m saying” [walks away] TEMARI PLS

“Going on a date without a strategy, would be like trying to fight a tailed beast unarmed” [Nodding] “You have zero chance of winning, that way” I suddenly understand Kakashi’s dating life a lot more

They really rely on you being aware of Naruto the Last huh gjkhgkjhgk there’s been no mention in any of this filler of Naruto and Hinata even being in a relationship to this point as far as I remember

Fhjkfhkjhfkfh poor Iruka none of the kids know he’s President of the Naruto’s Dad Society

“I know I’m supposed to be striving to get ahead in my career, but there’s also a part of me that really wants to just continue teaching kids, one on one” Irukaaaaa <3333333

Looool even as Hokage, Kakashi just drops out of nowhere to give cryptic life advice and then leaves

Smash the statue, Tsukune, don’t let the establishment tell u what to do!!

“Eating ramen everyday isn’t healthy you know” am I to believe that Kakashi, the man who told Naruto, ‘if you're going to be a ninja, you need to eat your vegetables’ is on a ramen-only diet?? Falsehoods

“And it’s all thanks to you Iruka” khjhgkjhgjhg alright.... you win this round KKIR shippers

WHO IS ANIMATING THIS SCENE IT IS BUCKWILD??? There is no character model to speak of, most of the kids don’t have noses, everyone’s upside down or spinning around, and Iruka is... hiding in a frog sign???

There is no English translation of this caption???? EXPLAIN JAPAN. TELL ME YOUR FROG SECRETS YOU KNOW I LOVE FROGS [INSERT PICTURE OF TENZO HERE]

(Update I looked it up in the sub and the caption offers no more insight. “IRUKA UMINO, AROUND 30 YEARS OLD. STEALTHILY”)

“This is for Hinata, so let’s all try our hardest” Kiba loves Hinata MOST

You know how if you pause in the middle of an animated action, you sometimes linger on an in-between image that looks goofy because it was meant to add to the motion rather than be focused on? This whole episode is animated like one of those images

It’s okay Lee the only dumbbell Naruto is fixated on is Sasuke Uchiha

I know don’t usually post so many images in these liveblogs, but I really need anyone reading this to see the Leaf Village’s semi-canonical Unofficial Mascot Konorin:

He is??? The love of my life???

“I don’t even have a boyfriend and train every day from morning til night” yes you do. His name is Neji Hyuga and he’s very alive and he’s a jonin sensei and he will buy you all the knives you want after he takes all of Hiashi’s money and redistributes it. In this essay I will—

You see what I mean??? Neji wants to be there for Tenten (and Lee)!!!

Tenten: What would Neji do if he were here now

Neji: [starts manifesting]

“It’s you since you’re a taijutsu specialist, but Naruto and Hinata aren’t” yes????? Hinata is???? She doesn’t use weapons but Gentle Fist is entirely taijutsu??? Why does everyone keep forgetting

KHKGJHKJHGKFHKJHFKJ I CAN’T GET OVER NEJI JUST. MANIFESTING ABOVE LEE’S BED TO GIVE HIM SHITTY WEDDING GIFT IDEAS 

“And don’t forget: Hyuga” Neji........ what.... does this mean!!!!!!!!

Why say “Neji” like that Orochimaru and in fact why say anything at all [Konan voice] I’m the Hokage now, the entire criminal justice system is on its way you are going to jail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really can’t believe that the Naruto writers looked at Tenzo’s role in Naruto SD and decided “let’s do that.... but worse” 

They animated?????????? A smaller Lee??????????? Into Lee’s mouth???????????? As if the animation style wasn’t enough. I need a minute

They are really going full Naruto SD huh??? Cut away skit like a ‘genjutsu’ scne. Lee and Guy playing a married couple and Tenten a baby. Neji in drag. This is a choice

“How can you misunderstand Neji so much” “Even if it’s only as a ghost, I’m sure that Neji would appear” I need. Several minutes

Fhjkhfkjfh Shikamaru’s vision of Gaara, Bee, Kakashi and Tsunade hanging out at this fancy restaurant. Is this who he thinks Kakashi’s social circle is these days (he might be right)

“Okay, I’ll hear you out!” Is this implication of this scene that Temari thinks Shikamaru’s idea of a first date is marriage... and she’s WILLING TO GO ALONG WITH THAT. TEMARI PLS

“Hey Ino, why would you go out of your way to make something I love? Bc she looooves you Sakura

“Sakura, I thought the same thing” GOD JUST GET MARRIED

“It’ll be too late once we go in, I could get all caught up in the mood or something like that” wait........ does Temari think Shikamaru wants to get married or fuck???? Or both??? OH MY GOD

Gaara: Naruto’s getting married.... without meeeeeeeeeee

God I love Gaara’s Blank Period hair it is truly careless and happy hair

“His ramen’s extravagent?” JKGHKHKJH everyone in the Leaf Village trying to convince Gaara that Naruto’s taste is incredibly obnoxious which is true but not in the way being described 

Kankuro what’s your damage let Gaara buy a nice and personal present for the love of his life 

Every time I think this arc can’t get more ridiculous it exceeds my expectations:

[Vaguely horrified accompanying dialogue: “The Raikage—” “—Will do the Hidden Cloud Dance?”]

“Well then, Gaara is just going to have to do the Hidden Sand Samba” Ah. Of course. The Hidden Sand Samba. Why didn’t anyone think of this plan before

Gaara is blushing because his new dream is just to samba dance with Naruto into the night

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Teuchi giving Naruto an “all you can eat forever” coupon that’s cute our sweet boy is so loved 

Gaara: My wedding gift to you, Naruto... is me :)

“I’m just disappointed that we aren’t going to get to see you dance, Gaara” you know what that’s fair Kankuro me too 

Hahahaha Shino dissing Kiba’s plight for becoming Hokage to these random kids

I can’t pay attention to anything this ninja cat is saying because they’ve got Naruto’s voice and it is very distracting

There’s something to be curious about how it would be if Kiba married into a family that has a contract with the Uchiha lmao

Literally the girl who Kiba is supposed to be in love with is given Hinata’s voice #kibahinarights

“Oh, just take it. Money means nothing to me” the Beekeeper is truly one of the strangest characters in the Naruto universe just conceptually. Why are they wearing a giant bee stinger on their butt?

LMAO @ Kiba having absolutely no self-doubt whatsoever. Goals!!

Shino becoming a teacher after the war is actually one of the post-699 futures I like, good for him!

Iruka sweet man Naruto has compared you to a father like 1500 times have you not overheard him one (1) time

Kakashi is such a dumb stubborn bitch trying to find a way for Naruto to have a happy wedding... I love him

“This is my fault, I never taught him how to treat women! Not that I even really know about that kind of thing of course” Iruka Umino confirmed canonically gay

“I just have to bow my head a little” KKIR: 2; Me: 0

I love this tradition of Hokage boys bowing their heads for cooperation between villages yesssssssssssss

Outro for the whole OG Team 7.... I’m fine everything’s fine I’m good cool cool cool cool cool

The implication that they just sell Kakashi wigs in the village... amazing

I know this is about to be an emotionally poignant moment but what Naruto’s presence is reminding is that the only word he has said in the past 6 episodes is “ramen” LMAO

“I’m going to have to apologize to her for raising you as a such a thoughtless, inconsiderate man” raising you... RAISING YOU..................... TRULY PRESIDENT OF THE NARUTO’S DAD SOCIETY GOD BLESS IRUKA UMINO

LOOK AT THIS CRYBABY NINJA THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT ONE OF MY FAVOURITE PARTS OF KONOHA HIDEN WAS HOW IRUKA KEPT BURSTING INTO TEARS OVER NARUTO EVERY OTHER MINUTE THIS IS WHAT BONDS LOOK LIKE

God..................... the Team 7 lover in me just despairs of this final episode bc they’re all separated and also Tenzo needs justice 4 being Kakashi’s co-wedding planner it’s in the book I read it!!!!

I will set aside my feelings to recognize that Kakashi looks very handsome

Goodbye Naruto you were certainly an experience and I mean that in every possible intonation 

[musings-on-bucky-barnes]

Q&A Part 3 with Owlet about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series

Here is Part the Third of Owlet answering questions about The Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail series and also about her other writing. Some of the questions are from readers of the first Q&A, and some come from a Tumblr post of suggested questions for writers.

Warning for discussion of rape.

OWLET'S NOTE:

Thanks for all the cheers and good wishes on part 2! I'm glad people think the behind-the-scenes stuff is interesting and not just me being a windbag.

I was delighted that so many of you seem interested in my novel! It's not available anywhere yet: I still have to find an agent, and who knows how the heck long that's going to take? (I am NOT cut out for self-publishing.) But I certainly hope it'll find a home. If you want to keep up with me on tumblr (vmohlere) or twitter (virginiamohlere), I assure you that when such time comes, I will scream about it a LOT.

Pink floaty hearts, y'all.

  Reader questions:

From EssayOfThoughts:

 I know that you say that you like to imagine AOU doesn't exist, but I will admit (because I find Wanda deeply compelling and the twins story as a whole very interesting) that I've wondered a lot about how your Bucky would deal with the Maximoff twins? Like, on the one hand there's Wanda's ability to mess with minds, which he'd hate, but simultaneously (at least according to the AOU prelude comic) the twins was effectively radicalised by HYDRA while they were pretending to be SHIELD and expected to be their weapons which is not wholly dissimilar to Nat or Bucky. So if you're willing to acknowledge AOU just enough to ponder this I'd really like to know your thoughts! If not, of course, I understand.

Wanda’s not a character I’ve given much thought to. You’re right that her abilities would freak Barnes out. But he has a strict policy of observation before reaction, so he would give them a chance. And they’re so young (and so broken) that his protective instincts would kick in. I think they could probably count on some wary kindness, along with a dose of irritation at Pietro’s shenanigans.

From Ev42:

 Thing I can't stop thinking about today: babies. Specifically, Bucky + baby = ???

 I personally am a sucker for "Steve knows nothing, Bucky's a pro" thing re: babies. Mix that up with the Mission and the Briefing and what would we get? I keep think about, idk, maybe Sam has a niece or nephew, or one of the Olds has a grandchild or grandniece or something, and I just really want your thoughts on Bucky + baby... Please?

Barnes would be too worried about inadvertently hurting an infant to be willing to touch one, though he likes the directness of slightly older kids.

If in the presence of Steve trying to deal with an infant, the Briefing would definitely have a lot of commentary about everything he was doing wrong.

From Fred1085:

 I guess if I had one question though it would be: Do you always see Bucky existing as Barnes, the Briefing, and the Mission, or do you see a time in his future in which those aspects of him would be more integrated. Not through the magical Asgaridan science, but through his own force of will/healing?

  He definitely does become more integrated over time. The Mission is a protective identity, and as he needs it less, it recedes. The Briefing is literally his memories, which he does recover many of over time, though that’s a long and painful process. There’s a lot of regression throughout the long-term forward progress. But he keeps some of the habits, like “confirm” and “deny.”

 MusingsOnBuckyBarnes:

 After “This, You Protect”, the Mission went to ground so to speak for a bit and Bucky was distressed at its loss, at it not communicating with him. But over time as he heals and it recedes, he wouldn’t be so upset?

Exactly. When the Mission’s going quiet is part of the organic process of healing, he misses it but isn’t upset by its loss.

From stentorian_lore_n:

 Did Bucky and Steve ever make a donation to Sam's VA?? :)

Yes, of course! But Sam had to be bullied into buying a better chair for himself, because he wanted all the money to go to programs.

There’s a lot of red tape involved with how much money the center can receive in donations, so Steve & Bucky give that much each year, even much later, when Sam does in fact move to NYC to become an Avenger.

From englishghosts:

 Also, since you're taking questions, I'd like to ask you something. (TW RAPE)

Although Bucky suffering sexual abuse and torture "for fun" during his time with HYDRA makes perfect sense in my head (70 years in the hands of powerful white men who had complete control over him, it's difficult to imagine nobody got ideas), especially with the imagery of the bank scene, it's something we don't see that often in fics outside certain areas of fandom. I'm really glad you included this, because for me it not only makes it more realistic, but also it brings an extra layer into Bucky reclaiming himself and being comfortable with touching and his feelings for Steve. So the question is what made you decide to include it in this fic?

Like you say, powerful men with a powerful man under their complete control, over the course of 70 years – to me, it’s a given that among the many abuses he suffered was sexual abuse. It was always part of the character, for me, one of the many layers that he needed to work through to reclaim both his body and his self.

I started to think that the romantic-physical relationship with Steve was an inevitable part of Barnes’s healing process, because he and Steve really just do love each other SO much. The more I thought about it, the more I could see that given the style that I’d set up, writing Barnes’s reactions to things kind of obliquely, would be SUPER FUN for writing about bodies and sex. I cackled my whole way through writing that section.

And, you know, there were a lot of commenters who were like “hey man where’s the smut?” – a few of them NOT SO NICELY. I’m glad I stuck it in its own section, though, because I know there are also a lot of people who like to only read the gen parts.

From Selkieinthesea:

How did you come up with the curses? My favorite is “Lenin’s pickled scrotum.” It makes me laugh every time I think of it. I’d use it, but I have toddlers so then I’d have to explain what pickling is, what a scrotum is and why you’d pickle one.

That is a mystery and a blessing from the part of my brain from which jokes arise. Every one of them delighted me. “Lenin’s pickled scrotum” hearkens back to college jokes in Russian History class about how they embalmed Lenin with a mixture of Twinkie filling and maraschino cherry juice, and of course scrotums are always hilarious, I don’t know how people who have them even deal.

from Ev42 (about the fic “Love Is for Children”):

 Nicholas. Anything to do with Nick Fury? Bc I think that'd make his faking-my-death-without-telling-Natasha sting that much more. Ouch.

 I'm trying to imagine how Nicholas meeting the gang would go. I... have no idea? Barnes would bake, of course, but what? The Olds would be happy. Barton already knows. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the hurt/happy ratio for the rest would be

I actually have a tiny bit of this written out – it was originally going to be another piece of ICaPD, but I couldn’t get it to have any kind of arc to it, and the pacing was just BALLS.

Anyhow, yes, Nicholas is named after Nick Fury. His sperm donor is no one of import, and the only one of the Avengers who knows about him is Clint.

The snippet I never wrote involved Bad Guys kidnapping Nicholas & Steve/Barnes/Nat/Clint/Sam going on a rescue mission.

In this universe, Nat & Clint have a couple of Barton-Romanoffs, of whom Nicholas is the first (Clint adopts him). Tony & Pepper likewise have several kids in this universe.

  The remaining questions are from a “Fanfiction Writer Asks” Tumblr post by criminal-minds-fanfiction:

Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I haven’t written a reader-insertish kind of thing since I wrote a Duran Duran scifi AU when I was 14 years old. Original characters are where it’s at.

What is your favourite genre to write for?

Fantasy, for sure. Tho romance tends to worm its way into most of my stuff.

If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

I think This, You Protect has better pacing than The Long Road Begins at Home, and writing it helped me fall back in love with writing.

If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Um. Maybe my Loki poem? Tho I don’t think it’s necessarily bad.

When is your preferred time to write?

First thing in the morning, tho I’m grateful to be able to write almost any time. In the past couple of years, I've gotten into writing into the notepad on my phone, so I literally write any- and everywhere.

Where do you take your inspiration from?

Absolutely everywhere.

In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote? [Any of your Bucky fics]

The chapter of Team-Building Exercises where Barnes & Pepper go to France is something I’m so proud of. I think I did pretty well with the action and the pacing in that one, and I love writing Pepper.

Their first Thanksgiving, with the Sandwich of Suffering, is also a favorite.

In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind? [The Long Road Begins at Home]

It was always going to go Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving.

If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?

ARGH NAMES. What a pain. Second only to titles in terms of terribleness. I try to roll a few names around and chew on them until I find the one that feels right.

Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I have notes for 3 more sections of Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail – one that’s pure fluff, one that’s an action scene, and one at the very end of their lives. But I dunno. For one thing, the last one is unbearably sad. And I don’t really have Barnes’s voice in my head anymore. I think it’s time to be done.

More about the action scene is answered in response to a reader question in the previous section. The Sad Ending is just too far off in tone that it doesn’t fit the series at all, so let’s leave it in a dark drawer. But Barnes & Steve live for a very long time and remain faithful to the successive generations of their Avengers family. And when they go, they reach the end of the line together.

The fluff scene is CAT JACK and will post on Friday, June 7. (it's not a full story, just a snippet)

Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

The epilogue chapter of This, You Protect has some cute jokes, but it’s pretty weird, and I kind of wish I’d left it off.

Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Depends on the day. I definitely like music when I’m Pondering, though.

How do you feel about writing smutty scenes?

LOVE IT

Do people know you write fanfiction?

People know about my MCU fic, yes.

What’s your favourite minor character you’ve written?

That’s like asking about my favorite child!! Hill is definitely up there on the list, though. Hair Club in general was fun to have around.

Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?

I wish I could remember what it was, but yes. That was really fun.

If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Smut, because I think the best smut is also really emotional, so it’s not like cutting out angst, fluff, or anything else.

xXx

The link to the full list of questions for fanfic writer is here:

http://criminal-minds-fanfiction.tumblr.com/post/172926526725/fanfiction-writer-asks

(EDIT: link appears to be maybe-broken?)

[dwindlingashesburnt]

How long do the shields stay down?

This is something I think is really really important for you to be aware of if you're in a situation that's bad for you or are just doing kinda shit in any way - physical, mental, emotional, whatever. And I'm including stuff like food, shelter, sleep under physical for the sake of this

And that is this - at some point your body and or mind will almost definitely try to protect you by shielding you from it. When it's mental or emotional this is typically a very long term thing to keep you safe that you have to actively unlearn, as is physical stuff like training yourself not to flinch or stuff like that. When it's a lack of something physical like sleep or food or so on, it's generally just intended to keep you going until you manage to get whatever it is you needed, at which point the shields should start falling on their own pretty quickly

But the obvious problem with this is that if you're being shielded from the problem, you don't know how bad said problem is. You might not even be sure what the problem is, or even worse, might not even be aware that there is a problem. This means that until those shields go down, you can't figure out what's wrong or how to fix it, and you may end up actually making the problem much worse without realising in the meantime

(That's the end of the general advice bit - which is important btw! - and now goes into my own stuff, which isn't important except to me cos it's mostly just venting so feel free to stop reading at this point)

I rediscovered this yesterday night.

Every time I get this badly worn down, it always happens exactly the same way - I've already been apathetic and tired for quite a while, low on sleep, and been constantly tense for a long time, but bc I'm apathetic and can't sleep, I stay up watching videos on youtube for far too long. At some point, I find myself actually in quite a bit of pain and only then realise it's because I'm so incredible tense, and at this point I start finding it to be a real struggle to focus my vision or pick out the voices and concentrate enough to really watch videos. A while after this, I normally find that I'm shaking uncontrollably, and acknowledge to myself that it's most likely a mixture of a shitty mental place, being so tense for so long, and utter exhaustion. So to double check, I put some simple music on that doesn't require much focus, close my eyes and focua on going limp - I know that if my own thoughts fade to absolutely nothing while the singing drifts through my mind, and that I lose ALL tension and start melting into the bed...This means I'm on the point of passing out and or veering into dangerously sleep deprived suicidal ideation type territory, and need to sleep stat.

And this is the part that really alarms me - before I go to bed I need to put the light on so I don't trip, put my phone on charge, go to the bathroom and have a drink of water. Before sitting up at this stage I am AWAYS exhausted, noticably shaking, struggling to focus my vision beyond a blur, and so mentally wiped out I can barely string a single thought together, not to mention thirsty, empty, and feeling tired down to my bones, off balance and like I want to either pass out or start sobbing any second.

But by the time I get back into bed I'm always seemingly fine, if not better than when I first started watching videos - and this fucking scares me.

Because that switch happens in less than five or so minutes! Nothing has changed in that time, I am still on the borderline of passing out, I am still exhausted, I am still in an absolute shit place both mentally and emotionally and quite frequently in the middle of a relapse, and god knows what else. NOTHING HAS CHANGED I'm just far too good at putting up a front even to myself, and so practiced at it I just do it automatically- even though this normally happens around 2am or 1am when there is absolutely nobody to put up a front for!

And when I get back in bed, if I didn't remember exactly how bad I had been not ten minutes before, even I wouldn't realise there was any issue whatsoever! Let alone an issue THAT bad

That means that every time I walk into the bathroom and instantly feel sluggish thoughts crawling through my mind and then rapidly speeding up to a somewhat normal speed, every time I fill my water bottle and watch as my hands go from shaking so bad I dropped my phone and struggled to take out my earphones to not shaking at all, every time I stand and feel the majority of the tension leave and my shoulders force themselves up and back into more of a slouch and less a slump, every time I realise my vision is suddenly clear enough to be able to plug my phone in, and balance good enough to safely walk past the landing...It scares the fucking shit out of me.

I don't make any conscious, or as far as I'm aware, unconscious decision to do this, to put up this front - it just fucking happens without my input, automatically. That's terrifying because it suggests it's going to be difficult or even impossible to stop this, or any lesser form of this, from happening in the future

It also alarms me that it tricks me, that it goes so far as forcing my thoughts and mindset to shift, and that it happens when I'm entirely alone and safe. That's fucking scary - how do I stop it if I'm not even aware of it, if it's deep enough to change how my thoughts are happening, if no outside input seems to affect it? It's not a case of just, remove the bad input and I'll be fine - what do I do with that?!

Additionally, the fact that it's so thorough, tricks even me and happens without my input..I'm horribly aware that means that at more or less any moment I may be maintaining this front and not even realise. And I know for a fact it impacts my decisions...It makes me feel scared that maybe, maybe I'm hurting far more often and far more than I think, maybe I'm effectively lying most if not all of the time, maybe I'm making decisions I wouldn't if I wasn't shielding, maybe, maybe others don't even know me properly with this.

It's only maybe ten minutes total between music (shield down) and getting back in bed (shields up)

Sometimes I suddenly and very temporarily break free of this front, or apathy, or simple fear and nonoIcan't, and message my friends trying to tell them things I urgently want to share that I know I won't be able to when those shields come back up, so it's urgent and important.....And sometimes they don't reply in time and they ask something like, "what is it?" but I won't have the words anymore, or it won't seem important, or it will seem like the worst idea ever, or I'll struggle to even remember what "it" was, or I'll feel unable to say it

But every time I know I urgently wanted to say something, and now I can't because my mind and body is just, doing its damn best to protect me, which I appreciate but I just....But it also is awful because I don't know how to tell them in a way that makes sense "I'm sorry. You missed your ten minutes. I can't, I can't, I'm sorry - I want to but I can't. You missed it" so...so often I end up deflecting because at that point really do anything else

And usually in THAT kinda scenario it's not ten minutes (it may be anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours) but it never lasts too long so, so if they're not online or busy or caught up in another conversation etcetcetc......I lose the chance to be honest.

And I often don't get another chance to be really, truly honest, for LITERAL MONTHS

Apparently it's been determined that this is the best way to keep me safe and not in even worse health, but it's also incredibly isolating and I hate it

Quite often all I really want to say or do is more than a quickly passed over "I love you" and a brief hug - I want to be able to say "I love you. You're my best friend and I love you for this reason and this reason and this reason. You're amazing, and I love you - you help me in this way and this way and this way and I'm so grateful. If there's ever anyway I can ever help you or make you happy...Tell me. I want you to be happy. I love you - how could I not love you?"

And I CAN'T and I FUCKING CAN'T and I can't share any of the other stuff about my experiences or personality or relationships or opinions or anything that my brain has deemed "unsafe" BECAUSE OF ABSOLUTE PIECES OF SHIT WHO THINK IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY TO BULLY AND BELITTLE AND GASLIGHT AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSE AND HURT AND IT'S NOT FAIR

The three biggest things for me, are affection, understanding, and being close to people

Do you know how much it fucking kills me to not be able to say EXACTLY how much I love everyone near me, because I was told so often that to love anyone and especially to love so freely, was am invitation to be hurt?

Do you know how alone and miserable and frustrated I get when I try to be understood and understand others and succeed in neither?

I nearly started crying one time because I was with my dad and sibling, and that was all, both of whom should be safe, and I started telling a funny story about one of our cats. And suddenly I just realised that the words coming out of my mouth weren't the truth. I knew damn well they weren't, and I hadn't been planning to lie at all, and I'd started off truthfully, but some stupid small part of me had started going "this isn't safe this isn't safe you'll be hurt they'll hurt you scream at you make you feel like you should be dead they'll make you cry then call you evil for it it's not safe it's not safe" so suddenly I realised the words coming out of my mouth weren't the ones I meant to say, and I tried to stop talking and it didn't work, and I tried to go back to how it actually happened or just my original story which was very very minorly altered (like 10% different from the truth) to keep me safe, but I couldn't and that scared me because I just kept talking, this version of the story that played up how cute and tiresome the cat was, that simultaneously diminished my part in it all and yet at the same time painted me as being silly and harmless and useful and entertaining and I just....I remember I freaked out a bit when I kept speaking even though I didn't want to, but that part of me was still going "not safe not safe not safe" and then I remember feeling for an instant like I was going to have to flee because I was about to start sobbing, but then I just felt some part of me shatter and go dim and silent and die. And suddenly I felt hollow and miserable and I was shielded again, and so I just kept talking even though later I cried about it and freaked out a lot and just...I hadn't even meant to lie. I was safe. I was among allies. It was a harmless story about a cat that didn't even feature me heavily and certainly didn't cast me in a bad light, but the entire time some part just kept chanting "not safe not safe they'll hurt you you musnt you cant you cant let them theyll hurt you its not safe its not safe its not safe"

And that fucking kills me