#it led to burnout that made me hate my art more

[cowbrain]

"You're wrong to think of it as work" sure is the take ever, huh

A huge part of the artistic process is doing something you absolutely hate. That's a pretty common sentiment! I personally hate doing lineart so I largely do not and that makes my process a lot more enjoyable from start to finish.

Art is different for everybody and everyone likes different things at different points in their lives. I right now am really liking the whole ' make this sketch look not like shit' phase. But for every half decent sketch there's 700 looser, messier sketches trying to nail what I'm going for and honestly? That can be pretty exhausting.

For example v

This kind of mechanical cycle exists in some form in every stage of art, it's just the process. And it can take a long time!

Personally, a big part of art is getting my ideas down physically, but once I feel like it's 'good enough' I lose interest in 'finishing' it, whatever that would look like for each piece. Sometimes as you go, you realize that something isn't having the effect you want and you gotta go in and fix that. That's the work part. That sucks.

I doodled this out recently and was happy with the sketch, but I realized that adding some form of shading would convey my ideas better and the process of trying to figure out shading was such a slog.

I went from a very organic, fun sketch process to suddenly a very mechanical, thought-intensive one to bust out something that added 2 hours to something I felt was 'done'. That was killer.

This got kind of long but tl;dr people enjoy different parts of the artistic process but sometimes you gotta do stuff you don't like and anything you don't like is going to feel like work, whatever that is. There's also the feedback loop of creating, posting, and having people react that hits parts of the brain good that probably plays a factor somewhere, and also there's a creative vs. technical aspect to art and a lot of people struggle with one or the other or even the switch in the same drawing.

Lots of artists lately talking about burnout and how they no longer find the process fun and enjoyable.

And I'm over here like........you guys EVER found that enjoyable?? Was I supposed to???

It is not fun to do the work itself. It's never crossed my mind that it could be. Having something finished is great and I can't stop making things but the process required to have made something is just arduous tedious labor. you do it for the result alone, not the hours of sitting still staring at the same surface.

It must be awesome to ever be capable of enjoying a form of "work" 😕

[inkdippedstars]

[last edited feb 20, 2020]

Creation.

The ability to create; Is a gift; A thing to cherish; That least that is supposedly the case.

Nowadays it feels like a curse.

It has twisted; Into something that drains; No joy in creating; The pressure is too much;

I wish not to create anymore.

If only I could destroy; Corrupt my creations; Demolish it all; Or something most drastic;

I wish I never started creating in the first place.

It was not always this way; Long before I felt this despair; I created for fun; For enjoyment;

I created for myself.

Then others took interest; They complimented me; Helped me improve at times; But sometimes;

They asked me to create for them.

I was hesitant; Was not my creations terrible? But I complied anyways; Creating for person after person;

It led to a massive burnout.

I felt drained for a long while; Too tired to create at all; Because I couldn’t say no; To those who had asked;

Creation wasn’t the same after that.

I could still make; But that fire inside dimmed; I had created what others had wished for; In turn I forgot;

Creating and caring for myself is first and foremost.

I took a break; From getting requests; It got so much better after that; But there were still scars;

I could never make for others with the same motivation again.

Then I was creating for myself mostly; I enjoyed my creations again; But as always; Disaster struck;

Unintentional, but the pain didn’t weaken.

I was being noticed again; Much more than before; Support, compliments, all very good things; They overdid it by accident;

I started to feel a pressure.

I had to make sure my creations were good; If they didn’t meet my standards; They were a failure, one that I bashed myself on; Over and over;

Maybe those standards were too high.

“This is shit; I messed this up so fucking much; No one would like this; I hate this, everything I do is bad;

I hate myself.”

A cycle of self-depreciation; It never stopped; I had made something up; A notion that if I thought my art was terrible;

Then it wasn’t worth anything.

When I did find my art good; I’d share it around; If it got good reception, I’d feel like I made something worth it; If it did ‘badly’ in terms of reception in my eyes?

I now hated it- and myself most of all.

Creating now; When I feel this self-made pressure; That if I didn’t make my creations ‘good enough’, I had failed; It’s difficult;

Hard to act like it doesn’t affect me.

It still hurts to create at times; I still hate myself when I don’t meet my standards; There is still this invisible self-made pressure on me; Having motivation after it all can tire me;

I’m trying to change all of that.

It’s not perfect; There is no real happy ending either; Where I get back into the swing; And like a snap, I love all my drawings;

I will have to accept myself for who I am.

Please try to accept this, that I am a human.

This is the only way I could tell you.

[violetvoid-colorpower-wisp]

A Bit of Transparency

I'm sure y'all have noticed that this blog hasn't been very active in the past month or so. I wanted to come forward and provide a bit of insight to what's been happening behind the scenes, while also discussing where we'll go from here.

TLDR; I've been unmotivated to provide new content to share recently for a variety of reasons, and I've run out of items from my backlog to share. This backlog includes the Origins fic, which I have to put on hiatus for now. I don't know when I'll begin uploading at a more consistent schedule. Until then, I'm opening up a Discord server to have a more casual and direct way of chatting with y'all and bringing you a larger variety of content.

Why Hasn't the Blog been Very Active Recently?

Well... it's complicated. This blog was never really built on the strongest foundations, even if it seemed to be before I went on a soft hiatus.

I came up with the idea behind this AU and made this blog on a whim in the midst of a semi-manic episode. For a few weeks I had an unhealthily strong creative drive and pumped out at least two sketch pages a day, while also working on larger illustrations for this blog and other projects. I also wrote around 200 pages of various fanfic in that time too.

In short, I had no plan and was creating at an unsustainable pace. As I worked, I did eventually come up with a plan for this blog, but ended up burning out before I could begin to actually progress towards the end goal I set.

This burnout wasn't helped by the current state of affairs with this blog. It grew much more rapidly than I was expecting early on, and the fairly high amount of engagement I was getting ended up weaving with my enthusiasm for creating this art. For a while, with both of those incentives in place, I had no problem cranking out content to share. However, more recently... both of those incentives have waned.

Now, I want to be clear: I'm not trying to complain about the number of notes my more recent posts have been getting, and I'm not going to whine about people engaging with my inbox less- I'm just trying to say that the relatively low engagement recently is one of the several factors that has led to me neglecting this blog.

The last nail in the coffin for my creative drive, though, has been my mental health recently. Please don't worry about me, I have all the resources I need, but as of late I've had very poor mental and emotional stamina, and it's made content creation a lot more challenging for me. I haven't been making nearly as presentable artwork, and I've been struggling to find the bandwidth to write. So... and god, I hate to say it, but...

The Origins Fic is Going on a Hiatus

I never wanted to have to do this. It was my goal to always have a few chapters ready to post ahead of time just in case I fell into a rut like I did, but I've run out of the backlog I had built up and just don't have anything else to post for now. I've been trying to work on the next few chapters, believe me, but it's been hard while I deal with my mental health issues.

The Origins fic is currently at a bit of a transition point. We're entering the rising action, and I've been struggling enough to structure its foundation- never mind drafting the next chapter. I don't know how long it'll take me to work out the plot structure and get back into the swing of drafting and editing, and so... I don't know how long the fic will be on hiatus. I don't want to call it "indefinite", but it's the only fitting word.

For now, the Origins fic is on an indefinite hiatus.

And it's not the only thing I've been struggling with.

I'm not Content with the State of this AU

There are a number of things I am no longer happy with when it comes to this AU. I don't want to pull out the exhaustive list here, but one of the reasons I've struggled with posting is that I'm not sure how much I want to change, how people would take retcons and redesigns, and so on.

And it's not just the characters, lore, locations, and such that I'm not content with... it's the medium in which I've been sharing them that's been grating on me recently. The format of a Tumblr blog has left some things to be desired for me. For one, I feel the need to talk in this semi-professional tone, and keep myself at an arms length from y'all to moderate this space. It's tiring for me. I'm a very stream-of-consciousness, casual person, and I love chatting with people on an equal playing field. I also like attention, and sharing WIP's, and basically- I've been pining for a way to shoot the shit with all of you in a different medium than this blog. I think I know the best way to do this.

An Official Voidhog Discord Server

Now, let's make this clear: I'm not deleting or abandoning this blog. I just want a different, more casual way to chat about this AU and share my work. I kind of hope that by opening up this channel of communication, I'll rekindle my interest in working on this AU again.

Why? Because I work best when I can interact with my audience directly. I actually prefer Discord over Tumblr as an art sharing medium in general. Here's the kind of content I can offer a lot more frictionlessly there that I haven't been offering here:

Art Livestreams

Art and Writing WIPs

Casual Q&A (with me and the characters)

Content that Tumblr won't Allow

If any or all of these things interest you, stay tuned. I'll be creating the server today and providing a link to it in another post.

If you've read this far; thank you, and I'm sorry. This blog is in an unideal state, but I hope that changing up how I do things a little and providing stuff through a different medium will revive my creative energy and interest in this AU.

[indivisiblewestla]

HOW TO FLIP A DISTRICT BLUE

Lessons from a Swing District Team that Succeeded in 2016 by Ayana Haviv and Shabbir Imber Safdar

California Away Team’s Shabbir Imber Safdar talked to me about the efforts of his group, in a safely blue district in northern California, to volunteer in nearby swing districts in Sacramento (CA-07) and Reno, NV (battleground, entire state!). We discussed strategies and tactics of the effort.  His team’s post-election analysis is here on medium.com, but here’s the summary:

“During the 2016 election cycle our 40 volunteers made 10 trips to Sacramento and Reno. 3,343 doors knocked on, 44 voters registered, roughly 759 hours of volunteer time given. We won the state of Nevada’s electoral votes for the Democrats, helped elect a new US Senator (Catherine Cortez Masto NV), a member of Congress (Rep. Ami Bera CA-07), and a Nevada state Assembly member by 38 votes (Skip Daly NV-31). We also passed a ballot initiative that closed the background check gun sale loophole in Nevada. Oh, and legal weed was on the ballot and passed in both CA and NV.”

Shabbir’s team is currently in the process of relaunching their project for 2018’s elections, and intends to have a presence in at least 4 locations in CA and NV, as well as start a satellite team on the East Coast.   To answer your question, they are not yet ready for you to volunteer with them, but we are working together and Shabbir’s excited to see lots of other efforts get underway that he doesn’t have to lead.

ACTIONS THAT ARE HELPFUL TO FLIP/KEEP A DISTRICT BLUE:

a) Registering Democratic voters in the district, well ahead of time;

b) Canvassing in the district in the months and weeks before the election;

c) Coordinating with the local Democrats in the district to find the best places to engage in a and b, as well as to help get people to their rallies and other events and to amplify their message; and

d) Donating to and fundraising for the campaign of the Democratic candidate. This blog post will focus on strategies a and b.  Statements directly from Shabbir are in quotes (“”). Everything else is my interpretation of the conversation. 1.       DO IT WITH FRIENDS.

To engage in registering voters and canvassing most effectively, start with a group of friends. Have a core of 4-5 people who are going to commit to multiple weekends. The friend group is important because you want to build camaraderie and make the experience as fun as possible. It’s possible (but not necessary) to coordinate with groups like Sister District Project , Swing Left, and Flippable, but sign up a friend or four to do it with you.

2.       WORK WITH THE LOCAL DEMOCRATS ON THE GROUND.

Call the county Democratic party in the district you want to flip, and/or the precinct captains. You can also work directly with the campaign of the candidate you’re endorsing. Those organizations should provide you with suggested locations to canvass or register voters, voter registration forms, canvassing packets, etc. The local Democratic club or Indivisible group can help you think of great places to register voters or canvass, and could send volunteers to join you.

3.       VALUE YOUR VOLUNTEERS.

Registering voters and canvassing is physically and emotionally draining work, and early volunteer burnout is a real danger. The more fun you can make this activity, and the more efficient you can be with your volunteers’ time, the better. Things that don’t work:

Letting outsiders dictate your group’s volunteer parameters without thinking, “How will this make my volunteers feel?” One example is the Hillary buses in 2016 that spent more time on the road than actually working on the ground in Reno (8 hours travel, 4-6 hours canvassing).   Many that went from SF to Reno burned out after one trip, and told Shabbir they felt poorly utilized.    

As a comparison, Shabbir’s team drove up to Reno, NV Friday night, ate dinner together, had breakfast together on Saturday, canvassed 7-8 hours, had dinner and drinks and relaxed in their suite together.  Then they repeated the same thing on Sunday,  but ending around 4pm to get back to SF at 9pm. It was incredibly hard work, but there’s no doubt they did good work.

“Another thing that didn’t work was once when I brought 2 volunteers to a Congressional race after the campaign staffer told me they would be manning a voter registration table.  I set the volunteers’ expectations for that.  They were excited to register voters.  We got there, and I went out canvassing with the rest of our crew.  I found out the minute I left they got redirected to phone bank and stayed in the office doing that for 6 hours.  That’s kind of a miserable 6 hour job, and they didn’t need to drive 2 hours each way to phone bank.   The volunteers felt bait-and-switched, and I told the campaign staff that I couldn’t yank my volunteers’ expectations around like that, and that if they wanted us to keep coming back (we made 6 trips this cycle) that they had to treat my volunteers better.  It never happened again.”

Things that worked:

Going to Reno for the entire weekend. Arranging hotel blocs to make accommodations easier and keeping people close together (always in a union hotel!).  Renting out a suite together, which is always stocked with food and drinks, for breaks and for get-togethers in the evening. Going out to eat or happy hour every day with the other volunteers, who are based around a group of friends. Talking extensively on social media and in person about the friends who did this and how awesome they are – creating a kind of “in” crowd of cool volunteers – for peer pressure purposes, and to make your volunteers feel special. After all, they are! Celebrating small victories, like getting one voter registration. Making your volunteers feel rewarded at the end of every day of volunteering.

4.       PREPARE. 

Some tried and tested preparation methods: Have a practice canvassing session for anyone who’s new at it before every volunteer day. Do your own 1-page guide on your candidate’s position on all the issues, with possible scandals/red flags that might come up on the back (and arguments to refute), and give to your canvassers as part of their training. 5.       EXPERIMENT. Try voter registrations in new places that are likely to attract many Democrat-leaning voters. Some ideas: synagogues, mosques, gay bars, African-American churches, Section 8 housing, Latin-American markets, marijuana dispensaries. Some of us are planning to register voters in line at Comic-Con in San Diego!  (Shabbir thinks this is brilliant, by the way) “The first time we rolled into Reno in late summer of 2016, the local Democrats informed us that the Republicans were ahead of us by 5,000 registered voters.  I freaked out.   Everyone in Washoe’s Democratic community (staff, volunteers, etc) pulled together to close that gap, but we still went into the election 3,800 registered voters behind. I swore that I would never fail to monitor and participate in that during the off year before the election EVER AGAIN.”

5.       YOU DON’T HAVE TO ACTIVATE PEOPLE ON THE ISSUES YOU CARE ABOUT MOST.

“When we were canvassing in the 2016 election, when we met someone under 30 who seemed like they didn’t care about politics, we led with legal marijuana on the ballot. When there was a tricycle in the driveway, we led with a school bond measure.  Not everyone is motivated by your issue.  You have to speak to people about what’s important to them, not what’s important to you.    A great opener is ‘What is the issue that’s most important for you this election?’ When you get the answer, you can think back to your your 1-pager to talk about where your candidate stands on that issue.   Never use a campaign script, always talk to people in the way that you would like to be spoken to.  Nobody wants to be ‘talked at from a script’.  Campaigns hate that I say that, but once you’ve mastered the art of talking to people where they are comfortable, you can’t lose unless they’re a die-hard opponent, in which case you can wish them a nice day and move on.  Ain’t nobody got time to try and reason with cognitively-biased Republicans.” Good luck forming your team to flip your nearby swing district blue! Keep your eyes on the prize – winning that election.

[pussymagicuniverse]

ciaos and cheers to the end of 2019

+ invoking new beginnings

ciao, soulkittens!

welcome to my new column, DISCO LA ROSE!

over the year i’ve observed and reflected on how my coven here would calmly and gracefully send in amazing work every month or so for pussy magic and i was like yeah… i like this. the organization, the calm, the peace, the themes, the community.

i ignored it for a while, but toward the end of 2019 i received multiple clear signs that i am meant to share my work here too.

•

throughout 2019, i have experienced many half-commitments in my writing.

it has been a journey and i’ve learned a lot:

i briefly had a column at Tiny Flames Press

which was a mutual and peaceful ending. i was not happy with the work i was doing and maybe not really ready for what i really wanted to be creating.

then i thought, ‘i’m just going to write newsletters!’ (which wasn’t my first time saying that) in which i wrote THREE and then stopped for similar reasons as Tiny Flames and also… EH! i read a few newsletters i really love and i thought, this must be working for them. but you know… it doesn’t work for everyone.

honestly, writing newsletters can feel more like shouting into a void than posting on Instagram or Twitter. i also didn’t want to waste my creative energy on just talking to people’s emails??? seemed counterproductive. it was like trying to build a whole new blog when i already had 2! i also wasn’t jazzed about the content.

and then of course, sharing writing on Instagram, which i’ve done since 2013 and massively slowed down this year not only because i kept switching up branding or my handle, but i also hate feeling like i have to rush to keep up with the machine!!! or create content just for likes/follows!!

it’s a HUGE ZAP of creativity that i’m not into. not to mention having to keep up just to keep everyone’s attention? it feels gross! i also highly recommend watching joseph gordon-levitt’s take on this because RELEVANT.

i started inktober as writetober and made it 4 or 5 days in, only publicly sharing 3.

i started nanowrimo and wrote for maybe 2 or 3 days consistently before work and life greatly caught up with me.

i am excited to create this home for my work that feels like it’s part of something. not just on my own blog, going to inboxes to get lost between junk mail and skincare discounts, and not just under a photo as a CAPTION (my work matters much to me more than just being a photo caption).

•

you might have thought while reading that list, ‘why on earth would someone publicly put themselves on blast like this?’

because i know myself. and if you know me, even just on social media, you know that i am very transparent because i believe in authenticity and growth and the power of community and vulnerability.

because i DO commit to things. i have before and i have again and i will continue to! we can’t all commit to everything at all times. that’s a one-way ticket to burnout.

i’m NOT afraid to share my failures so we can all learn from them.

failure is part of not only this strange human process but also the creative process. it’s full of things we commit to and things we don’t… i guess you can say i recognize what’s either not working or what doesn’t feel right very quickly.

also… who said these were even failures? me, apparently, but i think there is more success in discernment here than any actual failure. in fact, it feels like a success to finally land here at pussy magic. it just makes sense.

i’m not stuck anymore… it’s freeing. and i finally started the novel that i’ve been waiting to arrive to my mind since… forever.

2019 has been my time to reel it all back in, including my ‘brand,’ my online presence, and my projects. i’ve been called to focus on what my priorities are and take action on what will bear fruit and stop watering what’s already dying or dead. most times, this requires complete silence and stepping away first.

mostly, 2019 has been a reflection of what i’ve been writing, why i’ve been unsatisfied with it, and contemplating what i do want to write and bring into the world and share publicly vs. what i want/need to hoard to myself a while longer rather than share instantly on instagram.

i’m learning to value the process of editing, sitting with my work and letting it breathe, be with me until it tells me it’s ready, to not put so much damn pressure on it and myself. and not to pressure it with so much perfection that i never release it either.

balance, soulkittens!!!

2019 has been a call to slow down and simplify. this is the call you receive from that wild divine feminine inside when you’ve been spinning your masculine energy wheels out until the rubber is almost gone and you’re skidding down the pavement.

my writing deserves my value and appreciation of it. my art deserves not to be rushed. my creations deserve the time to incubate and grow just like i do. so do yours.

2019 has led me to intend to be more disciplined with my time. and i’m still practicing. staying present. it’s funny, because there is a severely big difference in being hard on yourself and being disciplined, and for too long i was just hard on myself with no actual discipline… and that, my friends, will mess. you. up. mentally. but we will talk more about that in another post.

this is going to be a fun adventure that i am looking forward to narrowing in on and committing to.

for 2020, i invoke the consistency and commitment to my craft. to finally sharing my work in the ways i’ve longed to. to inhabit a safe space where i can share my voice as i’ve intended this space to be for others, i also grant myself this medicine, and where i feel like i’m nestling into an already established and warm place that feels cozy in my heart. it also helps that i’m currently writing this in my cozy, warm home. and so it is!

and i wish for you all to stay consistent and committed in your projects too.

i’m really excited to contribute to pussy magic in a way other than leading, but also writing.

thank you so much for reading. the column officially starts in january 2020, so i will see you sooner than we all think!

xo,

sam rose

you ready for 2020?! tell me in the comments below how your life/writing/art/YOU has/have shifted this year or tweet me @samantharosej.

The Creatrix and Editor in Chief (aka Creatrix-in-Chief) of Pussy Magic, sam is an author, poet, and editor originally from the Bay Area with immense passion for healing self-expression, community, and positively changing the lives of all folx through holistic healing and honoring our sacred selves: mind, body, and spirit. 

She's the author of L’ACQUA (2017), is the host of Satin Soulbits, a limited-series podcast focused on womanhood and sexuality, and editor of the Satin Soulbits Blog. Her writing has been featured in The Sonnetarium @ Rhythm & Bones, Occulum, ILY Mag, Rose Quartz Magazine, Tiny Flames Press, and more. sam offers Sacred Serpent Writing + Healing sessions to bring people more intimacy with themselves and their writing which you can find more info about on her website. She currently resides in Los Angeles with her partner and plant babies.

Find more about sam, her writing, and her offerings on her website and follow her #soulbits on Instagram.