#it is. a lil embarrassing that im struggling like this still <3 i hate being an idiot im tryin so hard bruh

[maggot-baggage]

Dropping out bc they made me do basic math instead of letting me fuck with torches today

[ilycosy]

bottom luke! bottom luke! bottom luke—

i may be a subbottom but a gal can dream !!! (also my friend eats bottom luke up so :3)

i js know that he'd be such a 50/50 guy tbh !!! ur either getting the sweetest boy ever or the biggest brat ever (headcanons !!!!)

warnings : TLT SPOILERS , afab + amab! reader , pegging , overstim , dacryphilia , creampie , petnames (pretty boy, sweet boy, princess) , daddy & mommy kink , loving sex but also toxic , also YES i feminized luke

afab reader (mommy kink)

୨୧ — he's definitely more on the good boy spectrum with somebody that has a mommy kink, especially if they're on the softer side of it?? he's so whipped and ready to listen

୨୧ — gets super embarrassed though when it's brought up, being the best swordsman at camp he definitely struggles with the need to be dominant or prove himself capable of taking care of you (which he can !! you just like taking care of him more)

୨୧ — ok now onto the actual sex !! he's superr whiny, like im talking high pitched and having to muffle his noises in the bed type whiny. hes constantly out of breath and panting when being prepped, no matter the amount of fingers

୨୧ — he says he prefers smaller straps because they're easier to take but i think he's just a little insecure (that can be fixed w a little bit of talking)

୨୧ — weak at the mfing knees for being called a good boy— "you're such a good boy for mommy!" "good boy, now turn around." "be a good boy for me?" — he's a puddle on the floor now

୨୧ — he definitely gets jealous if he finds out you've pegged others (i said it was a lil toxic !!!) so he ends up with his own toys, mainly out of spite rather than actual concern for germs (also ,, who doesn't love custom stuff ??)

୨୧ — as an apology for the betrayal, he basically begs you to use him (his words not mine) he lowk doesn't want you to stop until he's crying and can't cum anymore. he tries to run off before aftercare and tbh won't accept it due to guilt (unless you join him , like i said , he's toxic)

— afab reader 🤝 amab reader = calling luke pretty boy

amab reader (daddy kink)

୨୧ — different from afab, i think he would lean more on the bratty side. he definitely has issues with accepting men as authority figures (look at his dad) so i think it might take some getting used to being the bottom (esp the sub)

୨୧ — he never talks about it, especially when others could potentially hear. he likes making people believe that he's the dominant one in the relationship even though he's not and both of you know it

୨୧ — actual sex !! he's still super whiny, but he probably tries to hide it a lot more. he chokes up a lot on his own spit from holding it in (dw just force his mouth open !!) but for some reason he seems to like it better that way, being forced to make noise

୨୧ — doesn't really matter how big you are, but he definitely leans more on size queen... !! he tries to hide it but he can't help but buck his hips back onto your cock when it's near

୨୧ — he will never admit it, but being called princess and being treated like he's fragile will always get him going— "cmere princess, come sit." "shh princess, you don't want people to hear do you?" "are you seriously that desperate for daddy's cock princess?" — he's WEAK !!!!

୨୧ — don't ever and i mean ever talk about your sex life in front of others, you don't even need to have slept with people for him to be clawing at your back to make sure you know you're his later !!

୨୧ — he definitely expects you to join his side w the betrayal, he can't fathom putting sm trust and allowing a masc authority figure in his life like that only for you to side w others— he begs and pleads during the hate (or love if you're going w him) fuck for you to cum in him so he has something

★ general note, while i wrote this w fem & masc readers in mind (duh) i think luke doesn't care abt genitals and relies more on terms w how he acts !!! like if you were afab but liked to be called daddy he'd be more bratty & vice versa <3

[creatingblackcharacters]

hi ice! im sorry that you're dealing with other stresses, please don't feel any pressure to answer this quickly or anything.

im wondering if you have any advice for a Black person overcoming a lot of internalized anti-Blackness? especially pertaining to feeling like a disappointment specifically for being Black (i struggle with feeling like i will ever be attractive to a partner because of it, even if theyre also Black), and presenting in a way that makes me happy (i want to grow out an afro but i get afraid of looking "too Black", same with wearing my durag and similar things). also are there any books that you would recommend for working through that, or even just learning about Black history (reading often helps me to logic myself out of negative thought patterns and feel inspired)?

thank you! sorry if this ask is too complicated/encompasses too much

Hi! Well first, I am sorry that you've lived a life and in a world that reinforces you to hate yourself. You do not deserve that, and I'm proud of you for asking for more, and I hope you one day live a life where you love yourself and recognize how much you deserve.

If it's okay, in addition to some resources, I could give you some pointers that I gained from my own life experience unlearning internalized antiblackness. It's not an easy or short process, and there's plenty of hard truths and happy truths. I am not the sweetest advice giver either, but I promise I mean well:

1. Release the Shackles of Respectability Politics!

I was already starting to really grow into my Black identity by undergrad (my family had at least tried to help me get there through my childhood) but what really cinched it for me was the state murder of Sandra Bland. Sandra Bland was everything "right"- multiple degrees, pretty, educated, in a historically Black sorority, a college educator, a woman who spoke up for justice. Respected in her community! She was everything I thought I was supposed to be!

And the police still captured her, beat her, and murdered her in her jail cell (and lied about it, and potentially posted a picture of her dead body as her mugshot) for the audacity to question them. She's still dead! She still wasn't "good" enough to live!

No amount of being a "good, well-behaved" Black will save you in a society where being Black itself is deemed a sin. So every time you get a thought where "this isn't what society wants" or "I'm embarrassed" or "if I do this, I'll look like a bad-" cut it off! Fuck em! IT'S NOT TRUE! Recognize that you could be the finest, richest person on the street and you'd still be just a n***a in many people's eyes. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Point blank. They don't like you for your racial identity. They can be racist to Barack Obama and Beyonce, and they sure can be racist to you lmao.

It's not about you, you are not the problem! James Baldwin himself once said that racism is the white man's problem. It's not your responsibility to make them "like" you and "not be disappointed", it's their responsibility to respect you as a human being regardless!

2. Take Back Your Autonomy

This ties into the first one. Let's all thank Lil Nas X for this one, bc he did for my bisexuality what I had to do on my own for my Blackness. 🙏🏾

If they hate you anyway, you might as well be your most authentic self 🤷🏾‍♀️

Don't die disappointed because you wanted to reach white acceptance. Don't do it. If they're gonna hate you suppressed, they might as well hate you out loud 🤷🏾‍♀️ it's your life! It's why I don't shut up about racism lmao. You already hated me, now we'll both be uncomfortable and imma speak 🤷🏾‍♀️

So when you wear that durag, or wear your afro, recognize that 1) there are people just like you who love how you look because you look like them, 2) you should love how you look period because you're who matters, and 3) the day I receive a check with an undisclosed amount of reparations on it is the day I'll sit and discuss allowing whiteness to designate how the fuck I'm suppose to wear my hair lmao (and the answer will still be no). 😤

3. Accept that you're worth it

It's going to be hard. Even by wearing your afro, your own natural hair, you are making a statement of pride in your Blackness, and everyone won't understand or respect that. That was one of my first steps in high school, was cutting off all my permed hair and loving my afro. I had to write affirmations that I read daily to love myself, I was so scared. But it was worth it. My hair is healthy and happy. I had to learn brown skin was beautiful. But once I did, I couldn't stop fawning over it, on myself and others.

There are people who live their lives told by society they are perfect. Why do they get to think they're beautiful, and you don't? They're not better than you, yet they can tell you that you should hate yourself. What gives them the right? Who do they think they are? Fight back! Accept that the fight is hard, but you're worth it! Your Blackness is beautiful, and it fought hard as fuck to make it this far- honor that by honoring yourself!

4. Find some community; dive deep into Blackness

This one is self explanatory. You're gonna have to be around Black people that love themselves. Surround yourself with it. Find things they do that you like. Learn to find love in it. It could be creative, political, hell even finding a hairstyles group that shows cute ways to wear your hair. That can be a way to grow more confident and try new things. (All skinfolk ain't kinfolk though, so be aware.) But being around Black people, who care about the same things you care about, and make you feel heard, will help break that... Mind space where you feel alone and wrong. Trust, if I didn't have other Black people on this site, I would go mad from people gaslighting me that the racism I was seeing wasn't real. You need some more of us around you that reinforce your love for us, and yourself.

Here is a long paper discussing internalized antiblackness; you said you like to read lol. It admittedly focuses on Black women, BUT it might also help to use the sources that they cite to go on your own journey regardless! You could also just surround yourself with bloggers and beautiful poems and Black creations. There's beauty in all of it, you gotta let yourself find it.

I hope this helps 🙏🏾

[toshigimmemilk]

genre: ANGST w/ a lil comfort (clues towards that reader will get better with love and time)

warning: 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡, 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐜𝐲𝐜𝐥𝐞, 𝐜𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐨𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠.

characters: !timeskip iwaizumi x !gn reader (past)

!timeskip osamu miya x !gn reader (present)

ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ: ghostin by ariana grande ───────────────⚪────────────── ◄◄⠀▐▐ ⠀►► 1:17 / 3:48 ⠀ ───○ 🔊 ɴᴇxᴛ ᴜᴘ: dancing with your ghost by sasha alex sloan - a/n: i hope u guys like this. this was originally supposed to be ushijima instead of iwa. anyways im trying to better my writing so pls lmk what y’all thinking. sorry for the bad writing.

is it fair that you should feel like this, especially at night while lying next to your current lover thinking of a figure of your past, someone you loved so long ago? the tear soaked pillow that muffled each sob would disagree.

iwaizumi hajime was it for you. he was the one you’d been waiting for but some would say, right person wrong time, and boy were they right.

you hate thinking about that night. the night he left you so suddenly, cold and alone and each night you cried, you cried enough to fill olympic sized pools. you wish he had left you for someone else, that would be better than whatever this is, you thought. iwaizumi had left you to get food when the crash happened. it’s all my fault you thought, i should’ve just went to sleep hungry. the trip to the hospital was a blur and all those night spent in the hospital pleading to the celestial beings up above to save the love of your life who was now clinging to life with bare chances of opening his eyes again.

the fateful incident would end up being devastating for you both. a lively household once filled with love and laughter turned into a prison cell where only quiet sobs were the only thing that rang through the house.

the funeral was a haze. soft cries and whispers of sorry’s that meant nothing to you. it won’t bring him back.

every moment and every item reminded you of him. you hadn’t slept in his part of the bed, his reminder from that night still left in the bed, ruffled bedsheets, a used towel on the nightstand and a pillow that smelled like him. you hadn’t even dared to go near that side, too afraid that if you touched that too, it will also leave you.

too afraid to open his closet and see his clothes, his jersey, and his shoes. how cruel, you thought. how cruel was it that you have to be reminded of him constantly and your body and mind didn’t want to do anything to change that.

too afraid to move on and too afraid that he might be sad that you’re moved on from him and his love. it’s what he would want, he would want you to be happy, that’s what they all said but was that really true? you told yourself that there was no one else for you, only hajime. you were so accustomed to his love and now that it’s gone, were you even capable of loving someone else, someone that’s not him? the idea seemed impossible to you.

that fact couldn’t be more true, even years later as you laid in bed with another but still thinking of your former lover. nights seemed to be the hardest, it always is. all those hidden feelings and emotions always seem to pour out at night.

there was nothing you could do to stop the tears, sobbing quietly as you grazed your fingers over the face of the man that laid next to you. his face relaxed as he slept but it felt cruel to torture him like that, it wasn’t fair of him to carry a burden like this and shifting your body to face the other side you couldn’t help but cover your mouth as another sob escape your lips.

osamu miya was a force to be reckoned with. he loved you so hard and proud that the guilt in your heart only increased thinking about it. he’s done so much to fix you, carrying your baggage as if it was his own and helped you so much when he didn’t have to.

you met osamu while running errands, earlier that day, feeling too depressed to even get out of bed you’d finally decided that you should get your life back on track. deciding to go get some groceries to finally start making meals for one, crying some more at the thought that there will be no more shared breakfasts, no more staying cuddled in bed and rush hour in the house but just you and your loneliness.

osamu had accidentally bumped into you causing you to drop your oranges all over the floor, the sight causing your lips to wobble and he took note of this as soon as he looked at your face. “hey hey it’s okay. ‘m sorry. didn’t see ya”. you sighed, just what i needed you thought. you excused yourself from him but chasing you down he convinced you to come and eat at his restaurant, onigri miya but much to your reluctance, he still dragged you there.

from then on, osamu would try to invite you to come to his restaurant. you bumped into him frequently and soon you started to become friends but it was still hard for you to go out there and socialize after what you had been through.

osamu was there. he was there on your worst days. he was there when you told him, how you lost a half of you to date, he was there at nights to hold you while you cried. he was there to wipe your tears away. he was there. he fed you on days when you were struggling. he cleaned you up on days when you couldn’t get out of bed. he sat you down next to the tub and washed your hair. he was there.

you soon started to open your heart to him but you were still afraid to take that small leap, afraid that if you jumped and there was no safety net, who was going to catch you?

he told you about himself, much more than you had ever known and heard about him through his brother. he was funny, kind, very caring and he was just perfectly himself.

you should be moved on by now, osamu thought as he watched you turn over and hearing you muffled sobs. every night he’d pretend to sleep so you wouldn’t feel embarrassed to cry and each night he wanted to reach out and hold you but something in him held him back. he just let you let it all out.

he knows that you know about him knowing how you cry at night. he knows that you wish that iwaizumi was here in his place, and after everything that you both had been through there was so much he wanted to do with you, so much love he wanted to give you and so many things he wanted to show you.

you were so grateful for osamu. he’s been so good to you, so understanding about you and you were guilty and afraid that you were putting him through so much than he signed up for. you knew how much osamu’s heart would break everytime he heard you cry and you wished that he would admit how much it hurts him and how much pain it’s causing him too.

osamu knew you hated yourself so much for putting him through all this trouble but he was okay with waiting. he will be there for you as long as you need him even if you cried for a man that no longer exists in your own shared bed.

he knows that he will be there for you no matter how long it will take, a little bit of baggage is nothing for him compared to how much he truly loves you.

ending notes: this wasn’t that good ik. i promise i’ll get better. also i used the lyrics and references. pls those two songs has me so depressed on bag nights. anyways love y’all 💗

[pyrefell]

Helllo!!! I’m loving your headcanons so far!!!

Do you have any general personalities descriptions for your boys yet?

a of all, bsdaifjkbfjkowp thank you!!! b of all, im sorry this took so long?? i rewrote it like 3 times & it still might change bc im indecisive. also it turned into a lil bit of a headcanon post. i hope its understandable?

once again i am struck with the fact that the boys need nicknames. hmm.

UNDERTALE:

Sans: Guy who is deliberately and unabashedly Cringe. Overall, fairly laid back. However, he still prefers to maintain distance between himself and most people. It was already a natural facet of his personality but it was exacerbated by the Timeline Jank. People tend to forget he’s as smart as he is, they don’t think he’s stupid, they just mostly know that funnyman side of him. If you're a dick to Papyrus, he's gonna be a dick to you.  

Papyrus: Things are so exciting and fascinating to him, even the most mundane things. Despite seeming completely oblivious to things that seem completely obvious, he's very smart and deceptively cunning. Even though he knows how people see him (a big loud child) and he doesn't get quite the reception his brother does, he knows he'll win them over one day! He tries to avoid thinking about how lonely he actually is. It’s fine. He knows Sans is dealing with something (he won’t tell him what) but he figures he doesn’t need much else on his plate.

UNDERSWAP:

Sans: In this post, I mentioned that he's kind of always naturally been the more outgoing brother and that he's taken on this much more outgoing and bubbly persona as a result of the impact the timelines have had on him. He's competitive in a more aggressive way (maybe not quite the right word to use but), by which I mean he's kind of a sore loser sometimes. Also? He's a huge flirt, he's pretty skilled in the art of flustering.

Papyrus: Also in this post, I said that he's pretty chill until the conversation turns to something he's passionate about, then he reaches True Papyrus Volume Levels (and Chaos Levels). He is fairly relaxed, yes, but part of it is compensating for how awkward he can be. He gets embarrassed really easy, even something as small as misunderstanding something that was said. However! He’s a pretty popular artist online! Though he uses a pseudonym, being recognized and talked to by a stranger in public is not something he would look forward to.

UNDERFELL:

Sans: He’s cruel and crude, that’s kind of his whole thing. He’s not really the best at keeping a hold on his temper (though there’s a few other factors at play there). Keeping up the whole tough guy persona is the number one priority thus he doesn’t deal much with his emotions or inner turmoil or any of that other crap. Like US!Sans, he’s a flirt, except his flirting is mostly crude comments and jokes. And yet, somehow it works? Guy who is a disaster. He’s oddly nostalgic, mostly about his relationship with Papyrus. He wishes he could have been a better brother, but it seems like their relationship is too far gone.

Papyrus: He also doesn’t have the best control of his temper but he has an image to keep, one of a cruel and cold Royal Guard Captain. He didn’t used to be like this, but it’s necessary for his survival. He’s still surprisingly empathetic, something that could never really be beat out of him. HUGE perfectionist nearly to the point of it being debilitating. He oscillates between hating how weak he is and desperately wanting to be able to be weak. While he acts prideful about his ‘work’ int the Royal Guard, he is genuinely prideful about things like his cooking. Often to the point of arrogance.

SWAPFELL:

Sans: He’s seen as very cold and calculating, well-spoken. But he also knows when and how to turn on the charm. That’s how he’s even made it this far in life, it’s vital to his survival. He can also be very prideful, particularly in his position as Queen Toriel’s right hand and in his ability to remain cool in high stress situations. He’s well aware of how overprotective he is with Papyrus, he’s terrified of how cruel the world is and terrified that he’s stunted him to the point of not being able to cope with it.

Papyrus: He’s deathly shy. If it were safe/a good idea to use his own brand of shortcuts to get out of situations, by god would he. He, like his non-Fell counterpart, thrives in the relative anonymity of being online. Past that barrier of shyness, he’s excitable and surprisingly jovial. He tries to find some reason to be at least content, he thinks it helps Sans worry less (even if it doesn’t really). He’s actually pretty mischievous, though only dares to pull pranks on his brother.

HORRORTALE:

Sans: Horribly cynical and jaded. He’s working on it, even if he doesn’t particularly want to sometimes. He’s not home, so to speak, most of the time. He’s easily frustrated by the gaps in his memory, then he forgets why he’s frustrated and gets even more upset. He’s naturally very wary of everyone else and again, very much prefers to keep distance between himself and most everyone he comes into contact with.

Papyrus: He definitely tries to hide everything behind a happy demeanor, he tries to fix everything for just about anyone (especially his brother) without any fuss and tries to make it seem like he’s totally fine. There’s also this sense of jadedness, he tries to curb it but sometimes it still slips out. He still tries to act like himself, like he’d been before the Famine, but it’s exhausting and he’ll eventually come to terms with the fact that he’s no longer the same.

HORRORSWAP:

Sans: His competitive nature has morphed more into him being more of an aggressive hothead (though not quite to the level of UF!Sans). He’s really self-conscious about his new stutter and bringing it up frustrates him the same way treating him like a child had before. He has terrible mood swings, he can ruin his own day over nothing and it kills him. He’s really trying to get better, but he still has a hard time being honest with people.

Papyrus: He’s gotten pretty cynical since the Famine, he puts part of the blame on himself (if only he'd just been brave for once), even though he knows there's not really a whole lot he could have done. He’s even quieter than he used to be, he’d prefer if he could just fade into the background. He hates how much he stands out in any crowd and tries to avoid going out at all costs. The only one who can get him out is Sans because at least they can ignore everyone else and concern themselves with each other.

HORRORFELL:

Sans: He’s...mean. Like. He tends to be a major jackass. He can’t help but think well, humans aren’t exactly gonna wanna know a monster, much less him. And hey! Might just help keep his newly expanded family safe! He ain’t complainin’! He’s really just bitter about how things have gone for him and his brother (and about how things will likely go in the future). For as many dark jokes he makes to Frisk and Aliza, he’d be the first one to come to their rescue, he’s just that kind of friend.

Papyrus: He’s fairly quiet these days, but don’t think he’s not going to find some way to give you some kind of attitude. He’s been putting a lot of work into taming his anger, which is no small task considering everything. He still has his moments, but he prides himself in being able to cool off and keep himself somewhat calm. He still hasn’t been able to do much about his perfectionism, in fact it’s gotten worse, but he’s trying. And he, like his brother, is extremely protective of his little family, and god help anyone who dares try anything.

A B-Bonus????

UF!Comic Papyrus: (he’s the only one with a nickname...lol) Reggie here struggles a lot with who he is as a person, is he more Sans? More Papyrus? An even 50/50? Or is he someone else entirely? He’s introspective and hyper aware of his mannerisms, particularity in the ones he deems too Sans-like or too Papyrus-like. He’s not exactly the nicest, partially as a mechanism to keep people away (it’s just...easier that way). Reggie keeps to himself most of the time. He’s not shy though, he’s more than willing to speak his mind, even if it comes out more crass than it was intended.

[chemicallydamaged]

Recovery: The Stigma Of Struggle 2/2 (TW)

Please do not read further If you are easily disturbed or affected by mentions of self harm, weight gain, or suicidal behaviors. I wrote this to help someone feel less alone and share my experience- not to potentially trigger someone. Please be safe.

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I told my parents about my several-year long addiction to self harm, despite starting at the age of seven. I've never once been to a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. I mainly have scars on my thighs, but I also have them on my waist, face, feet, hands, hips, and so on. I have used needles, glass, push pins, scissors, exacto-blades, knives, razors, and whatever else I could get my hands on. It became an addiction before I even knew what and addiction was.

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(This is an unprofessional, messy rough draft that I wanted to post so you know i'm not dead. I may edit this sometime in the future and delete this lil message thingy.)

Suddenly, you become a liar- that's how these things go on for so long, that's how this cycle eats you alive; “I hate getting wet”, “I just get cold easily”, “The cat scratched me”, and so on. You do anything to protect this secret, this horrible fucking brain eating, exhausting secret- while also hoping someone would ask how you are, maybe ask what's going on, and yet you still lie to them. Help doesn't feel for you- help doesn't always feel like an option. 

I always felt like everytime I cut, it was like shutting my thoughts up for a few seconds. I had so much swarming in my head, so many negative, screaming thoughts eating away at my brain, that I would do anything to relieve the tension. Everything irritated me. So when I got home, and all these memories of screaming parents and asshole students and shitty teachers screamed in my thoughts, I couldn't take it. For me, I convinced myself of two options; self harm, or ending my life.

June, maybe July of 2020. I haven't gone outside for a very long time, using covid fear as an excuse. I would be in such deep wallows of depression I could barely move; at that point I had gained so much weight I was scared of taking showers. I was scared of going outside. I was scared of eating. I used a group chat in one of my friend’s servers to get me through it, at least so I could socialize in one way or another. I wanted to get better, yet I was too exhausted to take the steps of recovery. I had tried to quit a few times at that point, only to fall back in. I would be taking a plane ride to see family (safely) and I was so fucking scared. It would be incredibly hot over there, I couldn't wear shorts, I was depressed, I had low-self esteem, and now I had to socialize with family I hadn't seen in several years. I was convinced they would be disappointed in me, I really didn't want them to be ashamed. 

When I finally got there, everything had changed. They looked so different- my little cousin, who I remembered as a toddler, was now a kid. My aunts were more stressed out than I had ever noticed before. Some pets had passed away, and the area of town had become pretty run-down. I had always wanted a little sister, and felt like I missed out on a lot of those years- so I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She was so happy and so energetic, I was so surprised to see that she was excited to meet me. She didn't care about how I looked or how awkward I was, she just wanted to do art and make mudpies and jump on a trampoline, like a kid. I missed out on water balloons, refusing to wear shorts, which upset everyone because I wouldn't be able to play. I took that time to lock myself in a bedroom and cry. When I thought of her ever doing what I was doing to myself, I broke down completely. I would have been self harming for a year by her age. I missed out on so much. To think that she could ever go through that terrifies me and shakes me to my core. She is like a little sister i've never had. I thought of my brother and how he would be upset, so see his actual little sister go through this the whole time. This is still hard to think about. This was my first kick in the ass to recovery. I was going to commit.

I came home in a lot of pain. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept impulsively grabbing objects, picking at my skin, biting my nails, and going fucking crazy. I was so close, so many times. I can barely express the amount of stress I was in, not being able to use what I believed to be my only coping mechanism ever since I can remember, knowing for sure I absolutely could not and would not do it. I had to fight with my brain 24/7 just to stay afloat, to have self-control.

Fast forward 4-ish months and I was finally about to tell my mom, but at the wrong time. The closest self harming behavior I had was skin scratching, but that was better than cutting. We had gone to the store to pick out some clothes and I was really excited about it; however, the closer we go to the changing room the harder my heart throbbed out of my chest. If she went in with me, she would see all the scars. We had gotten to the changing room, and she went in with me. I froze up, in cold sweat, and couldn't do or say anything. Just as she said “Oh woops do you not want me in th-” I broke down. In a grocery store changing room. For everyone to hear. She sat me down and comforted me, like a cool mom. I was  surprised, I thought she would be embarrassed. I told her about everything. She supported me. I couldn't stop shaking, unsure of weather to be sad or happy. I finally said something. I was relieved. I finally did it.

My dad was less accepting after my mom told him first. Because he doesn't believe in “organized help” and instead believes you have to “get through anything on your own, because that's what I DO” It was probably a bit of a struggle for my mom to talk to him. He avoided me for a few days, until he was ready. When I had finally told him, it turned out to be ok. He wasn't happy with me but he wasn't pissed either so that's a positive. My brother had a similar reaction. A lot of friends didn't care. But some still did, and I'd rather have a few real friends than a lot of fake ones. Sounds like a bunch of hippie dippie Karen bullshit but I genuinely feel way more positive about this then when I first told my parents. I hope to get mental health help soon, although there are so many people trying to get it that its difficult to find a good therapist thats available (Thx c0v1d, u sur3 r g8 0n m3ntal h3alth <3). For now, i'm just doing the best I can- im still going to struggle, but that's part of life. Im happy with that. 

This is only my side of the story.

Yours doesn't always have to be the recovery, but it can be the ask for help.

(2/2) 

Hope your doing well, wherever you are.

[rynhaswritersblock]

tiktok famous (hc) - part two | p.p.

summary: a whole bunch of dif tiktoks featuring you and bae peter

warnings: chaotic energy, cussing, and BUTTERFLIES

+ + +

- i'm backkkkkkkkk

- so y'all really enjoyed the last tiktok imagine

- and you wanted another

- SO HERE WE GO BABYYYYYYYYY!!

- so basically....

- (just enjoy it)

- i got a lot of tiktok related comments and requests and i hope i remember them all

- (big boobs? whew chile) ANYWAYS SO:

- like pretty much none of them link together so this hc is going to be split into sections of like... blurbs!!

- yayayayayaya

- this one is inspired by @drecming

- so i think most of us know this very special sound..

- ...

- CAN'T TAKE BIG DICK BUT I SUCK ON IT

- y eah

- so as per usual

- you and peter b chillin

- they really do b vibin doe

- OH BY THE WAY

- y'all are dating in this situation :)))))))))

- and as you're binge watching your favorite show you can't stop doing the hand motions to that friggin dance

- aka the epidemic of generation z

- i keep doing the sugar by brockhampton dance i literally can't stop it's fine

- and thank god peter somehow doesn't notice

- like your movements are so subtle but you deadass keep doing it like once per minute

- and so you get up

- like "fuck this, man. if it's stuck in my head i'm at least gonna make a tiktok"

- and so you set it up

- peter's still on the couch in the background

- this boy STILL doesn't really notice what you're doing

- to be fair hsmtmts is a very enticing show ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

- but as soon as the audio plays peter recognizes it

- his head WHIPS over to you

can't take big dick but i suck on it

- he raises an eyebrow at you

i ain't fucking with the pussy, got a bump on it

- *eyebrow raise intensifies*

bad bitch put the pussy on me (on me)

- he sits up, watching as your hips roll (oh man)

whip out my dick then i hump on it

- he slightly cringes at the lyrics me too peter

i'm a bad ass bitch, what you lookin at?

- your butt

ima throw that-

- "oH NO YOU DON'T!" he yells, slight smile on his face as he swiftly shoots a web at you, the string wrapping around your waist and spinning you to him

- the song continues to play as you snort, wheezing as he balances you

- the video finishes and you raise your eyebrows at him

- "no throwing it back on camera," he says pointedly

- you tilt your head in a way that screams peter i love you but you and i both know that i can do what i wanna do and over-protectiveness can be toxic

- he sighs

- "okay, you can, but i'd like it better if it were just for me"

...

- HAHAHAHA

- okay NEXT ONE

- this next one is inspired by @ritxal

- in this one you can choose your relationship

- so peter is a natural born softboy

- he didn't choose the softboy life, the softboy life chose him

- but here's the thing

- it was friday night

- you were bored

- and you decided

- it was time for a change

- and so you approached the man

- who happened to be upside down

- because when is he not

- and, ignoring his protests, gave him an e-boy makeover

- poor peter was decked the fuck out

- striped long sleeve

- band tee

- black ripped jeans wITH THE CHAIN

- nike socks and af1s

- beanie

- and most importantly

- black nails and a little black heart under his left eye

- just picture it p lease

- and it his transformation was posted on your account to forever embarrass him

- and you lowkey found this look a lil wee bit ATTRACTIVE

- whatever

- okey this one's for you @lilmissquackson !!!!!!!

- y'all ever seen the without me (halsey) ones??

- ye

- even if you haven't you'll still get it lol

- so you're in class

- learning about sokovia because history and shit

- and, bored as hecc, you decide to whip out your phone and copy this video you'd seen

- you begin filming and place your right hand on top of peter's left (yay classmates!! sitting next to each other WHOOP!)

- his gaze is hard on his paper as he continues to scribble down notes

- you turn the camera to him for a bit and you're like yes perfect

- and then you return the camera and pull your hand away

- and he REACHES OVER AND TAKES YOUR HAND BACK

- AND YOU'RE LIKE  Y E S

- IT WORKED OUT

- PLUS HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW AND HE'S SO CUTE

- you put the phone down, smiling, adjusting your hand a little before you realize you can't take notes anymore because your hand is occupied and using your left hand just aint it period (a/n: im so sorry if any of y'all are left handed lol but pretend y'all are in opposite positions so he has your left hand haha)

- and it's then that he looks at you

- and if his eyes don't make you MELT

- okay i'm sorry that last one was mediocre but you get the point

- alright so like in this process of writing this i've been struggling a bit with details and stuff and making it sound good and funny so they're gonna be short and sweet bc i literally don't know What To Do :)))))))))))))))))

- back to your regularly scheduled programming hell yeah

- this one's for you, @drecming

- back at it again with the ideas!!!! fuck yes!!!

- okay SO

- you seen those "i'm on my savage shit" ones?

- where the guys hand is on the girl's thigh (OR IF YOU'RE A DUDE READING THIS JUST STILL IMAGINE YOUR OWN LEG I TRY TO KEEP THIS GENDER NEUTRAL BUT I FORGET AND PLUS RN IM JUST EXPLAINING THE TIKTOK KJSDBVIBUV) and then she pulls her leg away and the music is like

iM oN mY sAvAgE sHiT

- anyways

- peter's hand is just vibing on your leg

- for you dirty minded folks no it's not vibrating or doing all that janky shit we're children of god here

- says the one who just said the s word OOPS

- and you, as per usual, pull up the sound and start recording

- peter hears the music and is like Huh????

- and then you pull your leg away, grinning at him cheekily before he grabs you, phone flying out of your hand and he pulls you into his lap

"my thigh"

- you give him a look like excuse me sir hUh

- and his face is just like

0_0

- before he smiles at you and laughs and says he's kidding

- but then he stops laughing

...

- and raises an eyebrow

- WOAHHHHHHHH SPICY

- zooooweeeeemamaaaaaaa

- aight moving on

- THE NEXT ONES ARE INSPIRED BY YOURS TRULY!! YAY ME FOR HAVING IDEAS FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!!!!

- so i'm sure you and like everyone @ your school (if you're in school.. lol) is familiar with this one

- i'm just gonna let y'all experience it idk why i've been telling the tiktok before idek sajbsidvb

- so you're in class right

- doing nothing bc your teacher sucks :////

- but its fine bc it's a fun class

- so you set up your phone with you and peter in the screen and start recording

- peter looks at the phone and then you, confused

"hey, stop!" you say in a whiny voice

- mans is like Uhhhhh what did i Do

"stop! omg peter sTop!" you're smiling at him

- he's so confused

- and then as you're talking

- your voice suddenly lowers into your lower register

"stop!! peter stop it- I SAID STOP."

- his eyes widen and a confused smile is on his face as he jumps back slightly

"YOU KEEP PLAYING *smacks your hand on the table* TOO DAMN MUCH."

- the video stops and you and peter are just silent for a second before busting out laughing

"you've never seen those?"

"no????"

"god peter, you live under a rock"

- the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand: hey! bonk bonk bonk got any grapes?

- sorry i randomly thought of that

- okay NEXT

- this is the one that hits different

- gets you in your FEELS

- DAMN

- we all know peter's a gamerboy

- so he's just chilling playing minecraft on the xbox or something

- what a fuckin nerd

- jk minecraft slaps so hard

- anyways

- as per usual, you set up the camera and start filming

- and you

- i think you know what i'm talkin about

- you slip underneath his arms

- and start crawling into his lap

- and the SECOND he registers what's going on he fucking YEETS the controller behind him and wraps his arms around you

- and when i say yeets

- i mean like

- ZOOM

- you bury your arm in the crook of his neck and you feel him physically relax under you (heartbeat racing though of course) and hold you tighter, planting gentle kisses along your neck and shoulder

- ..

- god FUCK talk about B U T T E R F L I E S

- y'all are going to HATE ME for this one

- prepare yourselves

- so you guys are just chilling in peters room as y'all normally do

- and peter goes to the bathroom

- and like stupid adorable fuck he is

- mans left his phone on silly goose

- and of course

- we all know you can't help yourself

- so like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING

- you decide to snatch it and go look at his tiktok drafts, god knows why

- and the first one you tap

- WHEW CHILE

- your jaw drops to the floor as soon as you read the text on the video

"so apparently when a guy's chain dangles it's attractive..?"

- heart skips a beat

- hands are sweaty

- knees spaghetti

- you look up to make sure the bathroom door is still shut before you whip out your phone and start videoing

- peter is looking nervously cute into the camera before he leans out of shot,

- you know what's next

- and right as the beat drops

- he shows up, SHIRTLESS, with his cross necklace (you've only seen him wear once lmao) dangling down

- not to mention the goddamn CURLS hanging down

- and your heartbeat quickens

- ... both heartbeats...

- then fucking PETER JUST STROLLS INTO THE ROOM

- ALL INNOCENT N SHIT AS IF HE DIDN'T HAVE A VIDEO ON HIS PHONE THAT LITERALLY MADE YOU READY TO RISK IT ALL

- "why do you have my phone?"

- you've never slammed it onto the bed so fast

- "no reason"

- he raises a suspicious eyebrow before picking up his phone and unlocking it

- and the fear in his eyes when the screen opens to his video

- he looks back up at you, mouth slightly open in fear/awe/ohshitohgodohFUCK

- and you and your goddamn mouth-

- "peter, it's hot"

- and oh how the look in his eyes changed

😈

+ + +

until next time <3

[spiderman-homecomeme]

Hey! I love your fanfics! Could write something like MJ making fun of Peter calling his penis web shooter? 👀

okay first of all: YES. 

second of all: This took me approximately a million years to finish, but here it is!! Sorry it took so long!! Thank you so much for sending this in and for your patience!!

This one gets a lil saucy guys (nothing explicit bc im a coward lmao), so hold onto your butts ig

here’s about 1.2k of sweet n’ saucy fluff

.

.

There’s been a handful of embarrassing moments in the short time Peter’s been on this Earth, a good portion of them being more recent than others, and he’s come to accept that for the most part; being a perpetual fool was just part of the whole awkward teenager gig. 

But accidentally revealing his not cool-in-the-slightest nickname for his… well, nether regions… that he’d said while on a mission in Prague—as a joke—to his best-friend-newly-turned-girlfriend ranks pretty high up on the top ten list of his most mortifying moments. 

He knows he’ll never live this down.

He’s not sure what exactly it was in his brain that tells him that this would be a good thing to just spit out in the heat of the moment, that this would somehow not totally ruin whatever it is they were about to do. 

Maybe he was drawing too much inspiration from the variety of adult films he’d seen; his own god-awful attempt at dirty talk. 

It was all going so well; so perfectly, in fact, that he couldn’t really tell if this is another one of those dreams or not. 

He’s sat at the edge of his twin bed, dressed only in a pair of boxers as, in a surge of shaky confidence, MJ disconnects her lips from his and sinks to her knees in front of him, the movement so fast it’s almost disorienting. His brain practically short circuits at the image of her between his legs, his fists mindlessly grasping at the sheets under him, knuckles turning white at the pressure. 

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.

It had to have been a moment of sheer panic, just something his nervous brain made him say in an effort to ease the tension, to break the thick silence. Up until this point, they’d only ever gotten to the ever magical second base, so this was completely new, uncharted territory. 

He thinks he might die at the way MJ briefly looks up at him from under her lashes, a shy grin tugging at the corner of her lips. The sudden urge to pull her right back into his lap and never stop kissing her is almost overwhelming, but he remains strong. 

Well, for the most part. 

He’s still internally freaking the fuck out that his beautiful girlfriend is currently having what might be the world’s longest staring contest with his boner.  

She seems almost as nervous as he is, her arms at her side as she sits back on her heels, palms flat against the tops of her thighs, her fingers tapping anxiously. Her eyebrows raise in a silent question, eyes glancing between his face and the prominent tent in his boxers.

Peter nods, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm, swallowing thickly as she cracks a giddy, toothy smile. He mentally kicks himself for being so inarticulate at such a crucial moment, silently wondering if MJ can tell how freaking nervous he is as she shifts her weight forward. His breath catches in his throat as her fingers slowly ghost along the tops of his thighs, her touch feather-light as she starts toying with the waistband of his boxers.

And it’s then, right then, that Peter’s mouth seems to wanna go rogue, to become this loose cannon that doesn’t play by the rules. Fuck his brain. He didn’t need that.

Peter deepens his voice—or, he tries to—though the breathy quality is unshakable as he puts on a false, almost comedic sense of bravado. 

“You wanna… play with my… web shooter?”

First, he realizes, perhaps, that it’s a pretty dumb question.

Second, he realizes that the cheesy lines in all those porn movies tend to not be realistic at all and that they actually sound really goofy when applied to real life situations.

And third, he realizes he may have broken his girlfriend.

MJ freezes in her place, her brows pinched together in confusion for barely a second, as if she’s questioning the very sense of reality in that moment, before she snorts loudly, hearty scream-laughs wracking her body as she crumples forward, resting her forehead on the edge of his knee as she tries to hold herself up. “You did not—!” She struggles to get the words out through her laughter. “You did not just—!” A hiccup, a wheeze. She shakes her head, looking back up at him, and for a moment, he thinks her little giggle fit might be over. 

In her defense, she tries to maintain a stoic expression, though she’s only able to hold it for a split second before bursting into more boisterous laughter. 

He thinks his entire body might just be the exact same shade of red as his Spider suit.“MJ—”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” She holds a finger up, cutting him off, before clearing her throat, though a stray chuckle still bubbles up from her chest. “It’s just…” And it takes her another minute to collect herself, though she still’s still practically vibrating with amusement. “Web shooter?” She finally asks quietly, as calm as she can manage, the corners of her lips twitching violently as she tries to hold back another laugh.

On the bright side, she doesn’t seem as nervous anymore.

As embarrassed and absolutely mortified as he is, Peter can certainly see the humor in the situation. He’s unable to fight back his own sheepish smile, nudging her gently. “Shut up!”

“That was lame,” She teases. “Really lame. Even for you, dude.”

“I know, I know!” He huffs. “Gimme a break, okay?” He pleads, playfully nudging her again when he can see the early signs of another fit of laughter start to take her. “I thought it would…” He pauses, tilting his head from side-to-side as he lowers his voice, shrugging timidly. “… enhance the mood.”

She purses her lips in an effort to keep them from breaking, mirth twinkling in her eyes as she nods solemnly. “Mmhmm. Yeah. Makes sense.”

“Clearly, it didn’t work.”

MJ shrugs. “I mean, it made me laugh, so that’s something.” 

Peter lets out a huff of amusement as he shakes his head. 

“So this isn’t like… a kink of yours is it?” MJ suddenly asks, the teasing lilt in her tone still very much present. 

His eyes widen in surprise, jaw dropping. “What?!” 

“I mean, you’re not gonna have me call you Spider-Man are you?”

“—Oh my god, MJ.” He throws his head back as a fully exasperated groan escapes him. 

“—And like, throw the mask on, have me ask you to web me up or something—”

“—Please, stop—”

“—I mean, whatever gets you going,” MJ reasons, her lips pulled into a faint smirk. “Whatever helps your Peter tingle, I guess.”

If it was his own initial comparison of his dick to his web shooter that killed him, that was what put the damn nail in the coffin. At this point, he knows that there’s nothing he can do or say that can stop this relentless teasing. 

For the umpteenth time that night, he shakes his head. “I hate you,” he says with all the affection in the world.

And MJ only grins cheekily back at him, squinting. At the near radio silence that falls after, the air still crackling, she moves to sit next to him, playfully knocking her shoulder against his. “But, hey, if it’s any consolation, I did learn something.”

Peter’s gaze snaps to hers. His head cocks to the side, eyebrows pinched in slight confusion. “What?”

“I mean, I didn’t know your web fluid was organic—”

She doesn’t get to finish that sentence, both of them unable to contain their smiles as he effectively shuts her up with a firm, but loving kiss.