#it is scary to become a lonely needy older man

[drdemonprince]

Oh, my heart will fantasize of Eden

My love, my dream, make love to me

Surrender your spirit, sing my eulogy

Oh, my heart is chained to thee, my angel

You haven't seen the last of me, my love

I give you everything

[dl-oblivion]

What would S boys be like if they had good father and mother figures?

Considering both nature, and nurture play into ones personality development, that’s hard to say. I believe they’d be drastically different, as all suffer with severe childhood trauma that shaped them into who they are in the series. Some core aspects of their personalities would be kept though. I’m gonna break down their childhoods, and how I think they’d grow up if things were different. This is gonna be my first analysis so I hope you guys enjoy reading it.

⚠️TW for physical, emotional, and sexual abuse⚠️

Shu - As a child, Shu was constantly pressured as the eldest son to surpass his father. For hundreds of years he would have to study, and barely got anytime to be a kid. When he did, it was always on his own merit. Running away, and seeking out his best friend Edgar, was how he got away from it all. (At least for a very brief portion of his life.) One thing after another, the things that brought him joy were stripped from him, including Edgar. Feeling trapped, he eventually stopped caring all together, and burnt out. His lazy persona was formed from depression, and trauma. That being said, his sluggish attitude, is the only aspect of his personality I can really see changing. Maybe the vampire would be less sadistic too? That’s hard to say, but perhaps if he continued making human friends, he wouldn’t look down on them so much. Having good parents as a vampire might mean that they belittle humans even more so who knows. His quiet nature would remain, but he wouldn’t be shy by any means. I think his “cool” personality is just how he is. His perverted side would also still be present. It’s worth noting that he’s the only brother who hates his parents, but doesn’t hold any kind of grudge. (Subaru doesn’t hate his mom, but would kill his father if the opportunity was available.)

Reiji - Reijis childhood was the complete opposite of his older brother. Instead of being hyper focused on, he was neglected. No matter what he did, nobody seemed to care for his achievements. The reason why Reiji is the most intelligent out of all his siblings, is because he never stopped trying to get attention by proving his capabilities. Even when he did get praised, it was in the form of backhanded compliments “You will make an excellent right hand man to your brother once he becomes king”. That inferiority complex of his, and hatred for his mother/older brother, would have never been there if he had good parents. Being raised in a loving home, I believe the good aspects of his personality would be cranked up, as opposed to the bad. He’d still be the most intelligent, but out of curiosity, and the need to learn more than anything. His ego would still be present a bit, especially when it comes to humans, but perhaps he’d be more snarky than sadistic? I can also see him being less strict, and more charming towards people. The character would be a little empathetic towards others, and not as detached from his family. Getting along with his brother would be in a playful competitive sense. I also lowkey see him being a mamas boy.

Ayato - Ayato has a similar upbringing to Shu, except his mother was extremely unstable, and downright cruel. Unlike the other two mothers, Cordelia didn’t care for her sons at all. He was a victim to beatings, and torment (I’m sure we all know the story of him being drowned in a lake). Ayato also witnessed Cordelias fits/breakdowns, (which often resulted in maids being killed before his very eyes) as well as her love affairs. The reason why she showed even a shred of regard for Ayato, was because he was the oldest of the triplets. The vampire was praised for things that made his mother look good, and proved he was the “best”. One of the ways narcissists are formed is from parental neglect, and only being praised when they do something worthy of acknowledgement. Which is why his whole character revolves around his need to be the best. If the vampire was raised by good parents, his egotism wouldn’t be present at all. He’d be a way more lighthearted character, and probably just a big loud dork. I’m sure he’d still be a jerk to some extent, but in a misfit kind of a sense. He seems playful at heart, and stubborn in nature. Perhaps he’d be a bit of a heart breaker amongst ladies, or absolutely terrible at picking up chicks. I wholeheartedly believe his personality was mostly formed via “nurture”, but if he wasn’t as strong of a character emotionally, would he have made it out the same?

Laito - Laitos upbringing is different from that of his brothers. While he was neglected, and traumatized from witnessing things no kid should have, the abuse he went through didn’t occur until he was a teenager. At a certain age (unclear), Cordelia began abusing him sexually, and warped his viewpoint on love. His only purpose was to please her sexually, which completely fucked him up. While he always knew it was wrong, Laito was manipulated into believing that he loved his mother as a partner. When Karl Heinz found out, he locked Laito in a dungeon as punishment. Nobody was there to comfort, or acknowledge him as a victim. Instead, Cordelia had sex in front of Laito, and told her son that he was nothing more than a play toy. He continued the cycle of abuse once the incestuous relationship ended. His whole persona is fake, it’s a means to bury all his trauma deep down. With all that being said, Laito would be an entirely different person if he was raised by loving parents. Instead of being this abusive asshole, he’d be a more soft spoken, chill, and nice person. Maybe a little flirtatious, but unintentionally so. I highly doubt he’d be nearly as sadistic, or brutal when it comes to humans, as he didn’t even enjoy taking advantage of his first victim, Hilde (a maid). His hobbies might also be a focus for him, as he wouldn’t be constantly trying to fill up his time by preying on people. Perhaps being a legendary pianist? He’d definitely be closer to his brothers as well, and give them advice more often. His perceptive, and sharp people reading skills would still be there.

Kanato - Kanato has always been needy, and attention seeking. Instead of trying to get his mothers attention by proving his capabilities, he would often times beg for it, or hurt himself. Most of his childhood was spent being neglected. Even if he sustained really bad injuries, Cordelia would ignore him, or request one of the servants take care of it. She disregarded him, until it was discovered that he could sing. His mother was turned on by his voice, and requested that Kanato sing while she was having intercourse. Since he was exposed to sex at a young age, his view on lust/love is very warped, just like Laito. Not nearly as much, but he believes forcing himself onto others is normal. Women are lustful creatures who always want it, in his eyes. (This explains why he forces himself onto Yui the most out of all his brothers.) Cordelia would also order Kanato to dispose of her affairs once she was bored, or if they caused trouble. His mother approved of him turning them into dolls, which is why he continued doing it for hundreds of years. If he had a normal upbringing, Kanato wouldn’t be as broken, and deranged as he is. His mood swings, and extremely sadistic nature wouldn’t be there. I believe he’d be quite timid, and a bit bratty if raised with good parents. He’d throw tantrums sometimes if he didn’t get what he wanted, but not have full blown episodes. I think he also wouldn’t hate women, and humans nearly as much as he does. Kanato is a sensitive person at heart who needs love.

Subaru - Subaru had a lonely, and isolated childhood. He did experience brief moments of tenderly love from his mother, but it was usually followed by Christa breaking down, and screaming at him. His low self esteem is rooted in his mother calling him a monster his entire life. Because Christa was locked away, dealing with her own mental deterioration, Subaru looked after himself. Never did he get validation or approval from anybody. With no siblings to turn to, or father to look to for guidance, he became extremely destructive. Taking his anger out on objects was the only way he could remain sane with a sickly mother. I’m sure there’s been instances where he punched, or beat, brides/servants, as sad as that is to say. I wouldn’t doubt it, since he has said he’s blind during moments or rage, and can easily hurt others if they’re around him when he’s like this. If Subaru had even one good parental figure he’d be different. He’d still be sadistic, but able to control his anger/emotions way better. His horrible self image wouldn’t be there either, and maybe he’d take pride in himself more. I think he’d also pick up hobbies, or be involved in sports, as opposed to being a delinquent. It said in his part of the anniversary book that he actually enjoys exercising, and likes his body sometimes, because he works out. Without a doubt he’d still be an awkward goof, and a tsundere at times. Probably known around the school for having cute reactions as opposed to being scary.

Whew that was long, if you read even a sliver of that Ily (っ◔︣◡◔᷅)っ ❤

[starksinner]

Endgame

Summary: A certain webslinger has an undeniable obsession with Y/N, and it’s not just because of her radiant good looks. When Peter notices a bunch of bruises and marks on her neck, he threatens to tell Tony about her mysterious relationship with the God of Mischief. 

Pairings: Loki x Reader

Other Characters: Peter Parker, Wade Wilson, Tony Stark

Warnings: Fluff, Abuse, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Trauma, Angst

A/N: This one-shot was created before Avengers: Infinity War was released.

“Y/N! Please! I did everything Mr. Stark told me to! I finished all my work and everything! Please, please, please! I don’t wanna’ go home already!”

It was a Saturday afternoon and Peter Parker was acting more needy than usual.

He clung to her arm like she was a prophet. His eyes sparkled like he was in the presence of his hero. He was borderline intoxicated by her radiant being; there was no denying it.

“Dude … I’ve watched Back to the Future with you ten times already…” Y/N smiled, shaking her head at his hopeful insistence.

She stalked into the main living area, spotting a lifesaver whom was crawling around the kitchen, almost in a panic. “Why don’t you bother, Bucky? He’s lonely… Needy…”

Bucky suddenly flipped around, his mouth wide, as he held a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a piece of bread in the other. His dazzling blue eyes fell on Y/N as he furrowed his eyebrows in warning.

“Don’t you bring me into this, girl. I’m just trying to make a sand which.” He held up the piece of bread in his left hand and grabbed for a knife in the nearest drawer. “… You people love bringin’ me into your problems, I swear …”

Peter jumped onto the largest couch in the living space, his gaze falling on Y/N as he silently admired her tall appearance. “Okay, then … Why don’t we watch - um - I don’t know … Deadpool?” He suggested.

“Deadpool?” Y/N raised her eyebrows, placing her hands against her hips. “Why the hell does Wade have his own  — ”

“No.” Bucky shot sternly. He swung back around, the tip of his knife pointed in Peter’s direction. “Absolutely not. That movie is filled with disgusting, sexual, suggestive, provocative, inappropriate slime  — ”

“Wow,” Y/N laughed, dragging her tongue against her bottom lip. “Sounds like my typa’ shit…”

“Oh my God, this woman …” Bucky whined, shaking his head exasperatedly. 

“Hey! Put on Netflix, kid.” Y/N grinned, shoving her fingers into Peter’s hair affectionately, fluffing it up. She jumped down on the seat next to his, lightly pulling his shoulder. “Just … Promise you won’t tell Tony I let you watch this, okay?”

"I won’t. I promise.” He smiled excitedly, grabbing the remote off the coffee table.

“You’re becoming a bad influence, doll …” Bucky murmured as he took a bite of his lunch and walked towards them. He fell into the empty seat next to Y/N and glared at the television screen. “If he starts swearin’ it up and actin’ out, doll …”

“I won’t! I promise!”

“It’s fine, Buck … I’ll take the blame for it. What’s life without a little swearin’ and actin’ out, anyway?”

“It’s the poop emoji … I thought it was chocolate yogurt for the longest time …”

Bucky had fallen asleep thirty minutes into the movie, explaining to Y/N; he didn’t need to watch an hour and a half film about Wade being Wade; he got the pleasure of experiencing that, in real life.

The soldier’s head rested in Y/N’s lap as she combed her fingers through his hair, admiring his soft, luscious locks. She began braiding his hair, too, to which he seemed to be enjoying, notable by his soft moans and smiles as he stirred in his sleep. 

Peter was extremely silent throughout most of the movie. In fact, Y/N began to think he wasn’t even breathing. The only reaction Y/N noticed was his awkward fidgeting whenever Wade and Vanessa; got it on.

Peter’s head rested upon Y/N’s shoulder as he found himself in a daze. Her cheeks blushed red as she laughed at something Wade had said. She quickly clasped her hand over her mouth to refrain from waking Bucky out of his slumber.

As his eyes fell to her lips, those beautiful lips, with the most gorgeous ideas, Peter couldn’t help but admit to himself; he had no chance with her. 

She was older, brilliant, beautiful, and very much out of his league. He also knew the rumors about her affiliations with the God of Mischief. 

He couldn’t understand why; why such an incredible girl would dare give herself to the god whom had destroyed their city all those years ago. 

She deserved someone good; someone who could appreciate all the light and love she had to offer. 

As chuckled again, shaking her head at Deadpool’s antics, Peter couldn’t help but think; Bucky would be good for her. 

They laughed with each other, they smiled with each other, they cried with each other. He always looked at her like no other man should. Like she was his. Peter noticed; but she never did. 

“Pete…Could you grab me some water? Maybe bring another bag of chips?” She turned to him, poking at his face to bring him out of his daze. “You okay, kid? You tired? You don’t like the movie or something-”

Was he still daydreaming … or was reality daring to play tricks on him?

“Y-your …” Peter blinked his eyes, slowly moving his head off her shoulder. “Your neck…you have bruises, all over your n-neck…”

Y/N scrunched her nose, covering her hand over her bruised skin quickly. Her eyes fell to Peter’s shoulder as she sat silent. His hoodie was covered in her foundation and concealer that must’ve come off as he leaned against her. 

“It’s . . . not what it looks like — at all, Peter…” Their eyes fell to Bucky for a moment as he groaned, again, shifting in Y/N’s lap.  

“Who’s doing that to you? Is it him - Loki? Did he do this to you?” Y/N could see the anger growing in Peter’s eyes, she’d never seen the fire before. 

“Peter, please. We can’t talk about this - right now — “ She motioned down to the soldier, who was apparently a very heavy sleeper.

“Are you scared he’s gonna’ find out? That he’s gonna’ kill him? Because if you don’t tell him, Y/N, I will. I’ll tell Tony, too — “

“Peter! Just - kid - c’mon! Don’t threaten me with things you don’t understand! You can’t tell him, or Tony — they’ll freak the fuck out and I can’t deal with anymore of that right fucking now, okay?”

“Y/N . . .” Bucky peeked his eyes open, smiling as he found her staring down at him. His attention quickly became centered as he saw the red floating around her.  “Why do you look so angry?” 

“Loki’s hurting her.” Peter revealed sternly as he sat up from the couch, crossing his arms over his chest.  

“W-what?” Bucky sat up, looking up at the teenager who stood, seemingly more angry than (Y/N). 

“It’s. Not. Like. That.” Y/N shot daggers at Peter, her hands balled into fists. He was messing with things he didn’t know, things he shouldn’t know. 

Her gaze faltered as Bucky slowly ghosted his fingers over her neck, scoping out the series of bruises. “Buck —  please . . . I know, this looks fucking bad, but it’s not what you think. Please, Bucky — it’s really not . . .”

The super soldier quickly arose from the sofa, grunting raggedly and pressing his fingers into his scalp. His jaw was clenched, his face was growing red. (Y/N) stood, too, pressing her hands against his chest to remind him to remain calm. 

“Where the fuck is he?” Bucky grunted out, his eyebrows furrowed and posture straightened. 

“Bucky — ”

“I know you fucking know, Y/N. I knew there was something up with that guy! Quit protecting him if he’s hurting you-”

“He doesn’t know how to handle his anger — ”

“That’s not a fuckin’ excuse  — ”

“He’s dying, Bucky! After what Thanos did! After what he did to all of us!” Y/N screamed, pressing her hands over her eyes as she felt their gazes bleed into her soul.

“ He’s sad and he’s angry. This only happened once and I admit, I hit him first, and I was nearly about to fucking kill him. I fucking made a stupid mistake, so don’t blame this all on him. He’s not the monster you think he is.” 

“He doesn’t have the right to lay his hands on you, Y/N. Being angry and sad doesn’t mean you hurt the ones you love.” Peter bit on his bottom lip nervously, unsure of what else to say. 

Y/N looked between the two of them, watching their eyes fall on her, then shift to the floor because of insecurity. 

“You both can’t say that what happened, hasn’t been slowly killng you inside. You can’t say you don’t have nightmares at night, or you don’t cry when you look out the window … We all handle our pain differently …”

“Tony drinks . . .” She looked across, at the kitchen, noticing the empty bottles of alcohol that threatened to spill out of the waste bin. 

“Steve locks himself in his room . . . for hours at a time — ” 

“Wanda cries. I hear her, every, damn, night. The screaming doesn’t stop — ”

“Natasha’s broken. She can’t eat. She doesn’t even look at me. She doesn’t have control — ” 

“Bruce and Thor leave. They don’t come back for months. They look miserable whenever they walk through these doors — ”

“And you, Bucky and Peter, neither of you can sleep at night. You guys always fidget, work out at the gym. You try to occupy yourselves with something, anything, so you don’t have to remember . . .”

Peter and Bucky shifted on their feet, staying silent. 

“I notice the circles under your bloodshot eyes. I notice you haven’t changed your sheets in months, Buck — you don’t use them  — and Peter — I know you’re afraid. You’re afraid for your Aunt, for yourself, for your friends . . . ”

“You are both terrified of the uncertainty of what will come next. That’s what keeps you up at night . . .” 

“I do all of those things. I drink too much, I block myself off, I cry and I scream. I leave, unsure, of who I’ll be if I stay —  I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what’s gonna’ come next, because for the first time, I don’t know.  It’s a scary thing to be unsure … “ 

“Y/N — ” 

“So, let’s not not kill each other for our mistakes, okay? We’ve already made too many. We’re already dead — so let’s leave our mistakes behind us and hope we can live a little. At least before the time comes and we have to face — the endgame … “ 

[ladybuvelle]

Little Heart

The road felt so soft that day, long ago. It was humid outside and the clouds hung low in the sky, heavy with rain and waiting for the right moment. The sun was still too fierce to let it happen. Not just yet. It was well enough to walk for a short while and take in the summer stormscape just before the actual storm - but Waka-sensei would have to leave soon. It was a long walk back to his home, and it wouldn’t do to be caught in the rain.

Sona had hoped to keep him long enough that he would have to stay and wait it out. He could stay the night, perhaps. The matrons wouldn’t turn him away. They could have dinner together. He could tell her more stories.

Her pulse surged so hard with the beat of her heart that she could feel it in her fingertips. The thought of it all was just so exciting.

“Sona” he called to the little girl behind him, her smaller strides often holding her back. “|Come look! You can see it raining in the distance, past the fields. We’re still ahead of it.|”

They had walked toward the farmlands where the ground was more flat for miles and miles, lacking the trees that grew around the orphanage that obscured a lot of the view. She looked where he pointed, and indeed in the distance was a great darkness of clouds and the distant static of rain. It was scary. It was beautiful. They were so far away they could see the wind pushing the clouds along as they watered the fields.

“|The vegetables will be happy, don’t you think?|” he asked, an airy tone to his voice in awe of nature.

“|Yes|” Sona gestured back to him with a strong nod of her head and a cat-like paw next to her cheek.

“|I don’t think the cats will be very happy though|” he laughed, joking about her gesture. “|They’re all running inside right now if they haven’t already. Animals can usually tell the weather before it happens. If only we had that talent.|”

Reaching out for her little pale hand, Wakahisa had turned back in the direction of the orphanage. “|We should return now, little heart. Before the clouds come this way.|”

Without thinking, Sona took the man’s darker hand - really, just holding onto a row of his fingers - and walked along in distress. For a few steps. Then she stopped and pulled him back.

“|Look!|” she gestured with her free hand, back toward the rain in the distance. Nothing had changed, she just wanted to keep looking. To keep him there just a little longer.

“Hm? |Look at what?|”

“|Raining|.”

“|Yes, it’s still raining. It’ll come this way soon. Now come - or the cats will laugh at us for getting wet!|”

Never one to protest too much, the little girl had to give up. But maybe she could at least make him walk more slowly. Her sandals dragged along the soft ground, kicking up bits of dirt and small pebbles as they went. Wakahisa tugged her along, though never forcefully, yet it had become obvious his ward was being difficult. He let go of her hand.

“|Is something wrong, Sona?|” he finally asked, this time gesturing along with his speech. Waka tended to do that if a topic was more serious and could be learned from. It drew Sona’s full attention. But she couldn’t just admit she didn’t want him to go.

“|No|” she obviously lied, her face turned down as she shook her head.

“|Do you want to get caught in the rain?|”

Again, she shook her head. Hard enough to make her pigtails swish about.

“Aya... |But something is bothering you today, little heart. Are you upset that I have to leave early?|”

Not the entire reason, but close enough. The way she hesitated to answer him was an answer in itself. Wakahisa had been Sona’s personal tutor for over two years by then. That was quite a while to get to know someone, especially a child who was still growing and developing. It was also an eternity for an orphan. Every year passing only made her less adoptable. And being disabled...

It wasn’t hard to understand how lonely she must have been. How isolated she must have felt among her peers. Not many of the other children took an interest in learning hand signs to talk, and it was hard enough to get most of them to learn reading and writing. Sona was a bright child. A smart child. A curious little girl with such a big heart. Of course she was sad. Every day had its rain for her.

But the world didn’t revolve around a little girl either. He had a wife had home, bedridden and unwell, and a son that was still quite young. He had responsibilities to them as much as his personal duty to helping a child in need. He’d made a marriage oath - but he’d also made an oath as a priest long before that to help the needy.

The older man had to sigh under the weight of his own heart, looking about and deciding a small outcropping of rock would serve as a temporary seat. Without a word Sona followed along, still frowning but curious. There wasn’t much room to sit, and it was quite uncomfortable anyway, so the teacher offered her a seat on his lap. Of course she gladly took it, even if the humidity made it a little uncomfortable and stuffy to be so close to someone.

“|We’ll sit for a minute|” he attempted a compromise, “|maybe the wind spirits will blow the clouds back awhile. But the rain will come eventually... So just a minute or two, alright, little heart?|”

Sona sat in accepting silence, staring out into the distant sky again. She could hear the faint sound of her sensei’s heartbeat. His breath, uncomfortable in the heat. The distant sound of swirling winds across wet plains of grass and brush. Like swaths of paper ribbons in the breeze, shimmering silver in the low light. As the rain swept across the land one could hear the protests of birds, disturbed from their games and picking at crop seeds, crying out curses to the heavens for inconveniencing them so. The birds never seemed to care about offending someone. But they’d also forget their anger by tomorrow...

“|If you think on it|” her teacher’s voice broke Sona’s concentration, causing the gold in her eyes to blink away, “|water has been everywhere. There isn’t a place in this world water hasn’t touched, or a person it hasn’t visited. The rain out there... at one time it was part of the ocean and held the bodies of great fish inside it. At another it was a stream bubbling over rocks. Perhaps a few days ago it was washing your bowl!|”

“|When you think of things like that...|” he went on, patting his blue-haired student’s head, “|even if we’re apart, nature keeps us all together anyway. We live under the same sun and the same moon, we see the same stars at night. My breath was yours at one time, and you lent it to a flower before returning it back to me.|”

“|We are always together, little heart. Even if distance and time separates us, parts of us find one another always. I think there is comfort in that. Do you?|”

It was a little much for her to understand, but Sona nodded eventually anyway.

“|Good!|” Wakahisa clapped his hands before picking Sona up and setting her back on her feet. “|Maybe someday it will make more sense to you? My sermon delivery is a bit rusty I think.|” He had to laugh, and despite Sona not fully getting it she had to giggle too.

“|For now, let’s take you back. Just remember... even though I have to go, I’ll never completely leave you. There is more to people than just what you can see, touch or hear. You have a piece of my heart with you wherever you go.|”

Taking his hand again, Sona made a gesture around her face. With her hairline and chin it was somewhat vaguely heart-shaped - thus why he called her “little heart”.

He chuckled. “|Yes, and you lend me a piece of your heart, too. But remember to keep some for yourself, Sona! Someday you will need it. You can give it to someone very special.|”

Who could be more special than Waka-sensei? At the time she couldn’t even imagine.