#it is sad due to their miscommunication and the lost love between them? yeah

[llycaons]

postcanon jc being miserable and lonely is genuinely tragic due to the circumstances and all but NOTHING is funnier than people trying to make me feel bad for him. 'ohh poor jc is so lonely and misses his brother so bad he just wants to be a family again' well jc tried to kill his brother after he returned from his death by suicide, tortured him, mocked him, humiliated him, blamed him for the deaths of their family members, and physically attacked him more than once so I'm actually not losing sleep over the fact that his brother is choosing to spend time with someone who supports and takes care of him and respects him instead. you made this bed you lie in it. lmao

[bloomingsalma]

okay... so I get why I was hesitating to watch soulmate (2023)

[egyptian-sun-god]

Never Have I ever S2

SPOILERS.....Turn back now I’m serious.

I’m waiting....

Okay cool your fault at this point

I was fairly critical of NHIE S1, I won’t lie. And I’ll be real I still stand by the fact that NHIE S1 was fairly meh overall. 

But holy shit, they knocked this season outta the world man. The show really really found its proper footing this season. They were smart to keep the cheating for only two episodes and explore the repercussion for the other 8. 

1.Devi Vishwakumar.

Let’s start with the main character.  Devi still does immensely fucked up shit this season. Dating two boys and have them find out in the MOST humiliating way possible. Yikes. Being a really sucky friend to Aneesa and starting that rumour about her (inadvertently) and pretending to her. Stalking her mother and being possessive of her. The really awful apology that was pretty self centred, a bit not good. 

 But she really does do her best to improve and I am SO proud of that. She uses her father’s advice and apologizes better to Aneesa, she actually handled the Ben and Aneesa dating WAAAAY better than I’ve seen some people handle things like that. I might’ve blown a fuse if two of my friends had 4 tickle fights and had major PDA sessions when we were trying to do a group project. Like she handled that shit fairly well all things considered. Devi actually gets into the beginnings of delving into her trauma and her temporary paralysis and healing from it. I

 really see how the label ‘crazy’ weighs on her and how she blew up with it and the message of destigmatizing mental illness. (Crazy Aneesa and Crazy Devi)  Her properly bonding with her mother and watching videos of her father and remembering/honouring his memory hit REALLY HARD (since I lost many people in my family recently and that fear of forgetting them has been real). Devi is actually beginning to heal from the loss of her father by strengthening the relationship with her Amma. And the slap from Paati was so so needed, it really gave her a better respect of her mother and fixed the problem I had with Devi mouthing off so much to her Amma. I live to see good maamiyar marumagal relationships. Her relationship with Paxton is really good and it gets developed very logically and having her be scared of being pathetic but in the end she accepted her own self worth and stopped chasing after them which was good. 

Overall Devi really blossomed into her own developing person and I actually like her so much more this season. 

2. Paxton Hall Yoshida

I was honestly, like genuinely sad last season he was like 80% eye candy with not much else going for him. Paxton had so much faith as a character and Ms Kaling has really pulled him into such a better person this season. 

Paxton got hit by a car before swim season, lost his ticket to college and wow, got two timed by a girl he liked all in two episodes. If he was salty about that for more than one season I would’ve completely accepted it. Cause that’s a bad public humiliation. 

Paxton episode really really made me love him as a character (honestly more so than Ben) I think because I heard Paxton’s entire worry and irritation that he was being underestimated and no one really expected him to go to college from a friend of mine not more than a month ago. That shit is real, and it hurted my friends a lot that people were really underestimating them and just seeing them as a dumb athlete who has no hope of college. It’s really nice to see Paxton actually want to go to college and learn Japanese American side with his Oji-chan giving him advice and supporting him. And him bringing his grandfather to speak about the internment camps, that seriously do not get spoken about enough.

Also him putting effort and making a genuine effort to work hard and bring up his grades with Devi and therefore bonding with her was really nice to see. I wouldn’t mind them being endgame but Devi does really work a lot better as his pushy Indian mom/best friend/tutor.  And Devi getting mad at him for him expecting him to hold his hand throughout really hit well. Was it deserved yeah. But Devi also did blow him off after promising him to study so his anger is justified there. I’m just kinda vibing with Paxton like coming up and taking a better interest in school and being a full 3D character. And that one scene where he gives the extra credit presentation and Trent high fives the man. Classic. 

Can I also just say, it’s kinda valid that Paxton didn’t want to date her in public. Is it a dick move...yeah? But he’s within his rights to ask and she’s within her rights to deny. And he didn’t press her once she said no, he went along with it. And what Devi pulled on him is awful, and speaking as someone who’s seen popular kid cliques. Reputation really is important. Like what Devi did made Paxton lose face, if he gets back with Devi he ain’t gonna have any respect left in him. And Paxton was pretty right in deciding to not date her publicly, like even in the end he knows that his reputation is shot for what he did. Do we even know if Paxton has friends that aren’t fixated on his social status? Because becoming a social pariah without having any support of friends is gonna hurt like a bitch. Lord knows how Paxton gonna deal with it. I think Trent might be his only homie after the social downfall he will inevitably face. 

I’m just gonna say, Paxton is my favourite now and I’m really rooting for him. Something I decidedly did not do last season. I’m happy Ms Kaling developed him so much and got me interested. 

3. Ben Gross

Ah. Ben. Ben’s not my faaavouriteee.......like he’s fine. But I don’t love him. I can definitely see him and Devi becoming an almost endgame couple though. Especially with S2 ending. 

Ben is fine and he’s pretty developed, especially with his episode in S1 and it was good he took a backseat this season and let everyone else star. I feel like he’ll come back strong next season though. 

Personally do I ship him with Devi? No. I’ve been in a friendship with the similar competitive dynamic as Ben and Devi. And it was terrible. We loved to argue and we got each other’s super brainy side as Devi puts it. But we pushed each other faar too much and even the small things became arguments and each pthers achievements became jealousy. So yeah....I don’t have too much faith in the dynamic due to personal bias, but I’d love to see how it gets handled. 

Also my brother Ben, PDA is a thing and it is common courtesy to refrain from it. Man’s really going at it with Aneesa half the time. But also the moment where Aneesa sort of choked on the presentation and Ben’s irritation at it gave me BAAAD vibes. It feels like while Devi can match him, they might push each other too far, 

4. Kamala 

I LOVE KAMALA. Girl is an ENTIRE vibe. My sweetheart, love of my life. I could go on. I really like her development as well and the banter between her and Nalini. The part where Nalini practically said she looked like a call girl and she was like ippadi potathaan velaila mariyaatha kidaikum. I legit had to pause, scream in laughter for a good few seconds. 

They had such a good story with her and wanting to fight against the fact that they took her work and didn’t credit her and everyone was telling her to like take it bowing. Prasanth’s advice unfortunately checked out to me, because I’ve been told that all my life. My dad says it a lot and I know he doesn’t say it cause’ he doesn’t believe in me, but he loves me and wants my life to be easier and for me to succeed and his experience is that he’s had to deal with things like this and fighting won’t help. So yeah, what Prasanth said did not rub me the wrong way at all and I agreed with it and I’m fairly disappointed about that. I get that she got nervous and had cold feet about marriage but I do hope she and Prasanth can work this out through communication. Because I really don’t feel like Prasanth is the bad guy here. It’s just a miscommunication. 

So yeah, a LOT of Kamala’s storyline continues to really hit me hard. 

5. Nalini Vishwakumar

Nalini really had so much more screentime to blossom. I love that she has a good relationship with Mohan’s amma. It’s wonderful and I love it. Also I was shocked to see the house in Chennai. Like this house...in Chennai. The Chennai I’m used to and the Chennai they are used to are different Chennai’s. Basically wealth gap is crazy as hell and I was lowkey highkey confused if the actually shot this shit in Chennai. But props to the directors for putting some proper Tamil vibes in there. Like the scene where they kaala thottu kumbudurathu (touch the elder’s feet) before they leave for the US is so real and so vibes. I like that they decided to bring paati back. I was like hoping for it.

Also they really went at developing Nalini’s character as a workaholic mom who doesn’t get her daughter. That’s also a really common thing in Indian households with one working parent so I’m happy they portrayed that. I’m happy Nalini actually has a life outside her family portrayed and is still such a typical mother that it hits HARD. I love Nalini and she really developed as a character dealing with grief from Mohan’s death, the wish to move on with Dr.Jackson but knowing that she isn’t ready yet. 

They gave her character a life and proper working outside Devi and it really has shown to develop her character and impact her relationship with Devi. The advice to “just say yes” works with cousins and younger siblings as well, I’ve heard it before and used it..and it saves so much time. Especially with small children. 

(A memory I have is of my younger cousin going on and on about a princess and a castle and fighting a dragon and the witches and so much fantasy shit and ended with do you wanna come? I just clocked off my CCA’s and I had no energy left to question it so I just went yeah sure. Easiest decision, and 10/10 advice. )

6. Aneesa

I’m not gonna lie. I was skeptical of Aneesa and I didn’t like how Devi saw her in the trailer. But Aneesa reminds me so much of me....and its killing me. 

Also the scene where she charms the hell out of Nalini and paati ma has literally happened to me before. Most of my Indian friends hate it..because I was raised with a lot more traditional manners with my grandparents so me and my siblings all are old fashioned which parents LOVE. And I really saw that Aneesa charming them and Devi also realizing, Damn none of my friends actually treat my family the way they should be treated, perks of having an Indian friend. 

Also the scene where she gets Devi out of trouble is so so real. Because if you have one responsible friend that you parents trust, you could lie the hell to them, get you homie to back you up and it will work. Personal experience. So yeah, Aneesa character resonated with me a lot.

I also like that she wasn’t just a popular 1D Indian girl but she was genuinely cool and actually had proper issues and development where she gets more open to Sherman Oaks and actually kinda properly rebels against Noor, with having Ben as a boyfriend. 

I feel like Aneesa has a lot more potential for growth, especially with the relationship with Ms Noor and Aneesa acting as a foil to Nalini and Devi’s. Also, I feel like Aneesa can grow within her social status at school as well and have Devi maturely handle it. Aneesa I feel will really really challenge Devi’s ability to be mature. 

7. Eleanor and Fabiola’s plotlines

Okay like actually, major props to Ms Kaling man. This show touches so so many teen issues in one goddamn show. Emotionally manipulative relationships. So SO good. A lot of newer age relationships have a much more subtle and dangerous line of abuse that’s hard to find out. Like honestly it took me a while to see it as well and I realized oh fuck. oh fuck...I see it it’s bad. They really got the essence of Eleanor’s flamboyance matching with Malcom? (is it Malcolm..fuck it it’s Malcolm now) his “suaveness” and traditionally charming tendency. It made sense and it’s very realistic how Eleanor got played like a damn fiddle. I also again feel that the make up was faar to quick but I really appreciate that Eleanor got her own storyline with her step-mom and understanding of relationships instead of the show hyperfocusing on just Devi. I respect that a lot.  Petition to get a Eleanor narration episode. 

Fabiola’s storyline also was well taken. It’s an interesting added layer to the queer experience and how queerness can be expected to be performative and but really its all about being more of yourself. The idea that queer people don’t owe nobody anything or have to perform an ideal version of queerness and Fabiola struggling with that kinda hit. The part where they talked about her mother learning to support them and being Cricket? Queen/King. Like being trailblazers for the POC community and the LGBTQ+ community having overlapping struggles. Again, I liked that Fabiola was getting more personal screentime and less of her story revolving around Devi’s. 

8. Everything else

I liked that there was more Tamil being casually thrown around. Like the Kamala vaadi to hold the suitcase down as they zipped it together was funny and relatable. The accents were really interesting because I promise you, I had no clue what they were saying sometimes. Nalini’s dialogues in Tamil were like immensely difficult to understand, and my Tamil is fluent. This isn’t a criticism... I’m fairly certain the difference is to do with the regional difference. American Tamil and Malaysian + rural Tamil slang are going to have huge accent differences so there’s no surprise that I found Nalini’s Tamil hard to understand. 

I’m really really really meh about the Kamala and Manish/Mr Kulkarni thing. I still think she should sort it out with Prasanth maybe but I’m open to seeing where it goes. I might change my mind with it. 

This show like any other show had its highs and lows. But I really really do feel that NHIE season 2 managed to truly figure out what the hell it wants to do and developed into a very strong and very entertaining show in terms of representation and diversity. I’m looking forward to season 3. 

[mothmansfriend]

when i’m sad oh god i’m sad (pt. 2)

link to pt. 1

follows a very similar timeline to @tearxofink‘s fic Rules for a Functioning Alcoholic but will prob have differences (such as no established relationships) and takes place in @illogicallyinclined‘s hockey au after the mention of Remus possibly having undiagnosed bipolar disorder

update: i think its important to acknowledge roughly where this takes place in the big timeline bc D doesn’t really drink past freshman yr in this AU because of self preservation and trauma, alcoholism was more an issue before then in high school (when remus and d were Rowdy Boys) but the stress of Logan’s concussion lead to some heavy drinking that was caught quickly by Virgil because Remus Cannot Keep Secrets.

summary: Remus has undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and is dealing with a severe depressive episode in the aftermath of realizing that binge drinking with D wasn’t just his own search to Feel Something, but was also D’s relapse into alcoholism. Remus comes to the realization of lost time during manic episodes and refuses help.

tw: graphic descriptions of a depressive episode, self harm (burning),  suicidal thoughts, and suicidal intent (but not attempt). unhealthy coping mechanisms, alcohol abuse, mentioned alcoholism, undiagnosed mental illness, miscommunications on shared trauma, ask to tag if i missed any.

There are a number of places that are simply uncomfortable to sleep. Barely sitting up and using the chairs provided by the previous tenants as a pillow is certainly one of them. It takes Remus a moment to identify what woke him up as there's another round of knocking on his door and he doesn’t want to respond. It’s bright out,the sun is blocked from his figure by the curtains covering most of the windows. He hears Roman’s muffled voice as the locked doorknob jiggles, “See? I told you he’s not here, Virge. There’s nothing to be worried about, if he doesn’t show up by tomorrow I’ll go look for him. You know how he is”.

Their footsteps move away and Virgil speaks, “Can you text him? I’m just worried, Thomas said that-” his voice fades as they enter the kitchen.

Remus can barely pick himself off the floor before his phone lit up with a notification.

the shittier twin: You good? LMK when you’re coming home, Virgil is lowkey freaking out  (received: 10:14)

He stares at the words willing his brain to focus as he decides, maybe he should reply.

He sends a photo of a fat pigeon he took outside a club him and D got kicked out of a few weeks ago. It would be clear that the picture was taken at a different time, but does get message of ‘I’m alive’ across. Which is about as much as Remus is willing to communicate to people that haven’t even tried to contact him before now. How sad is it that his twin brother didn’t even check on him until six days later. Or maybe he should be asking if it’s sad that after four days Roman still hasn’t noticed that he’s home, or that it took Roman six to even ask? Remus spends all this time in the theatre and in the arts studio, and still Roman was the only one to ask, though at the request of someone who wants to get mad at him. He considers if maybe that he is a bad person, and that isn’t something he normally would care about, but if he weren’t then people might have checked on him. He usually hangs out with D almost everyday and he swears he’s never been gone more than maybe four days. But no one else seems concerned at all.

He considers reasons why this might be and gets stuck on Roman’s comment that he hasn’t been gone that long, and the implications then of him being gone longer. Things that don’t really make sense, but he knows losing your train of thought and getting distracted is a part of ADHD, but maybe, this is much more concerning. How does he know that he’s only ever been gone so long, maybe those lapses are more than a few minutes of zoning out. Which leads to, does Remus know who he is during these lapses? The contrast between the two prince twins have always been clear in their behaviour, Roman who follows every word their parents whisper in his ear. The boy grew up to be an actor after years of who takes any command without thought at that chance to be on top, and revelled in praise. It’s the cowards way of survival, are you really living if you’re not you? He knows Roman wasn’t quite loving that, but he still complied. Remus has always known exactly who he is and who he always will be. But the uncertainty of who he is in those spaces that seem to be taking up more and more space, maybe he;s been following someones script too?

He’s constantly changing his mind and forgetting where he is, are his feelings his? If everything the thought he knew about himself is slipping through his fingers like sand in an hourglass than how does he make it stop?

—

Virgil slides into the recently empty chair next to Roman the second Patton gets up to ask the waitress for another round of coffee, he steals one of Roman’s sausages and speaks, “By the way, I’m catching a ride to your place with you and D”.

Roman squawks at the sausage thief, “Why? I already told you Remus isn’t home!”

Virgil rolls his eyes, “Yeah I know, just humour me. I went to talk to Joan before we left and Thomas said Remus texted to apologize for missing practice, he’s never done that before! I just wanna come check, you can make fun of me later or whatever.”

“Fine, whatever, I know you’d just show up anyway. I don’t think him texting Thomas means anything though, even if it is weird.”

“Well we can agree to disagree then.”

—

The entry to the apartment the Prince twins share with D was just as full of banter as expected. D and Roman irritating Virgil without effort but Virgil matching that with his own comebacks and determination to check on Remus. “Alright, Emo Knightmare, let’s go knock on his cave door so I can know you again, that he isn’t home” Roman drops his bag next to the couch and heads down the shared hallway of D, Remus, and the storage closet. D walks past him with comments of a essay due tomorrow and disappears. Roman walks down and knocks on the door sternly once maintaining eye contact with Virgil knowing there will not be a response. Virgil follows him and he knocks again after a moment and jiggles the knocked door handle. “See? I told you he’s not here, Virge. There’s nothing to be worried about, if he doesn’t show up by tomorrow I’ll go look for him. You know how he is.” Roman turns and leads them back out into the living room towards the kitchen.

Virgil pauses for a moment watching the door before he follows, “Can you text him? I’m just worried, Thomas said that he actually texted to apologize for not showing up today. You know when Remus is out he never remembers to charge his phone, it just seems weird.”

Roman exhales and wordlessly pulls out his phone shooting off a text to his twin before pulling some leftovers out of the fridge to offer to Virgil despite the fact they had eaten not long ago. Virgil accepts and he puts it on two plates for the microwave. Roman’s phone vibrates on the counter with a text. The emo leans over to read and snorts, “Wait, is Remus’s name actually ‘the shittier twin’ in your phone? He just send a picture of  what appears to be an obese pigeon, that doesn’t answer my question at all!”

Roman shrugs, “Of course it is, and yeah that sounds about right, it’s like he’s trying to communicate through hieroglyphics, he’s just telling us he’s fine.”

Virgil’s dark eyes examine Roman’s face for any reflection that he’s just trying to make him stop bothering him with his concern, but when he sees nothing he drops his defensiveness, “Yeah, okay, he’s your brother, he’s kind of like a cat I guess. He always comes home right?”

The microwave beeps and Roman slides the extra plate in front of Virgil, “Exactly, he’s just like this, I’ll text you when he comes back. You don’t need to worry about it, Virge.”

Virgil shoots him a small smile before taking his plate to the couch closely followed by the oldest Prince twin as they settle down with Netflix until they need to leave for their respective classes.

—

Roman blearily wipes his eyes as he wakes up in his dark room and rolls over to check the time. 2:34am wake up and bathroom break time. He briefly considers just rolling over and waiting four or five hours until he needs to get up for class, but decides there’s just a higher chance of getting a restless sleep the rest of the night. The hockey captain rolls out of bed standing in his room shirtless and only wearing a random pair of soft sleep pants and stumbles out of his room, crossing the living room and entry way he’s about to try the handle of the dark bathroom door when it opens to reveal a tall dark figure.

Roman jumps back with an admittedly embarrassing squawk before recognizing the dark figure to be a freshly showered, exhausted, and almost weak looking Remus. The two stood in silence for a moment, Remus not even reacting to the sight of his brother. Roman awkwardly laughed for a moment, “Holy shit, Remus! I didn't even realize you were home.”

Remus stares emptily, moving to walk away without replying, Roman stops him with a hand on his shoulder, “Are you like, uh, okay? You kind of look like shit”

That was clearly the wrong thing to say as suddenly Remus’s face hardens into a snarl, “Oh fuck you, Roman.” His voice cracks halfway through but it doesn’t do anything to diminish the venom in his voice, “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Christ! If you’re going to be an asshole then nevermind, I just wanted to check up on you. You know, like a concerned brother just might do?” Roman fires back suddenly feeling defensive. The tone of voice Remus uses almost sounds scared to him but he doesn’t have the energy to pry at Remus in the hallway less than 6 feet from D’s door at 2:30am.

“You don’t get to play any kind of concerned brother role right now! You don’t just get to decide to be concerned one day, it’s all about appearances with you, I dont fuck with that!” Remus’s voice raises as he gets more and more riled up, his voice sounds like shit as if he hasn’t used it in days, “Tell me when you think I got home, Princey, huh? You don't know shit about me and it’s time you stopped asking like you do.” He steps towards Roman edging back down the hallway to the living room.

“Why am I supposed to know when you got home?” Roman fires back, “You’re an adult! You’ve taken care of yourself fine for years, I’m not your parent I don’t need to know where you are twenty-four-fucking-seven!”

Vaguely, Roman hears D’s bedroom door open and feels brief regret that was smashed by Remus shoving him backwards. “You don’t need to know! But, did you ever think to wonder? Did you ever once care enough to ask? No! I don’t remember ever being gone more than three or four days.”

Roman recoils for a second in confusion but counters standing his ground, “What does that fucking mean? You own a calendar, a phone, you should know your average in the last year has been like five to seven days, you can’t blame me that you decide to go on a bender every 6 months or less. Can’t you ever grow up?”

“It means I don’t know where I was for two to four of those days at least! You self absorbed prick! Fuck!” Remus crumples for a second, his facial expression looks so, lost. He violently grabs and tugs on his still damp hair. He stands back up face guarded once again. “I know I never go out without a plan, I have paid some fucking terrible prices for that that you never need to know about. But, you’re telling me that I was out there and I don’t remember it? And no one thought to mention anything to me? And you’re asking if I’m ‘okay’? Fuck that, fuck you. I’m going back to my room, and ideally I’ll fucking rot and die before I have to look at you again,” Remus seethes before turning and slamming his door without waiting for a response.

Roman sags at his brothers exiting remarks, making tentative eye contact with D who waits in the dark hallway. “I don’t know what to do,” Roman says quietly.

D moves towards him moving them to the couch offering a comforting touch to the remaining twin, “Roman, I cannot tell you that I have any idea about what just happened. But, it seems like he just wants you to be there for him, in his own weird displays of affection he does love you and I think maybe he’s scared sometimes that you don’t care for him, and he lashes out. But right now, you need to go back to sleep so you can go to your boring nine am lecture, and I’ll try to spend time with him tomorrow. Sound good?”

Roman examines D, letting himself feel vulnerable for a moment but trusts that D knows what to do. He’s known the twins since high school, if anyone knew it would be him. “Thank you, D” Roman whispers, leaning into the little affection for a moment before he stands up and moves them back down the hallway.

Roman goes to the bathroom as originally planned but thinks about the things his younger brother had said. How much is he missing? What does it mean for Remus to simply not remember days at a time? Is it because of drinking too much or something else?

As Roman tucks himself back into bed, preparing himself for the restless sleep he had been trying to avoid. His mind wanders, and he can’t help but think that maybe he should be questioning blood stains on Remus’s carpet a little more.

[showingthroughtome]

spit fire - chapter fifteen

all the things we thought we was losing

“Aw, he’s not coming in? I haven’t had a good Harry roast in a while.” Bethlyn asks when she exits the bathroom and sees Noa but no Harry, referring to all the times Noa had him over and she would make fun of him for something stupid. It was one of the best things about Bethlyn - the way she got Harry questioning himself with a few quick quips.

Noa felt a pang at that, then flipped over so she was facing the wall.

“No. He’s not coming in.”

read on 1dff - or below - story page

Practice gets harder after that. Well, a lot of things do actually, but practice in particular.

Every time her eyes land on Nina, Noa can’t help but imagine her and Harry together. She sees her fingers wrapped in those long curls of his and Harry’s hands running up her thigh - they’re both out of breath and panting. It’s been a week of these nonstop spiraling thoughts for Noa - kind of the same way her mind got when her mom wasn’t answering her calls. Although, after her last desperate call to her mom, Sarah called her the next morning, leaving her a slurring voicemail and assuring Noa that all that trying Harry suggested she could be doing was in fact nonexistent.

But anyway, practice is hell for Noa. She actually has to stand there and direct Nina while pretending her heart doesn’t sink at the sight of her. Noa thinks she does a good job not letting it show. Because not only does she experience moments of disgust and sadness when thinking of Harry and Nina making out in the library, but she also gets these undeniable surges of anger but doesn’t once act on them.

Anger at Nina and Harry and mostly herself.

She thinks that maybe if she would’ve told Harry how much she liked him then maybe he wouldn’t have kissed Nina. But then, maybe if Harry would’ve just been able to see that she gave him more of herself than she ever intended then he wouldn’t have kissed Nina. And then, maybe if Nina could’ve respected the fact that Noa was basically with Harry then she wouldn’t have let him kiss her. Or definitely wouldn’t have bragged about it in front of her in anatomy lab for fucks sake.

Noa, regardless of how much she fucking likes or dislikes anyone on the team, wouldn’t have kissed anyone she knew the girls were even remotely linked to.

That’s why, after holding her tongue for days and days and days, she breaks. She doesn’t mean to, but she does.

“Fuck? Nina!” Noa slams her hand down on the pause button of the CD player, stopping the music and displacing it enough to have it teetering on the edge of the bleacher. “Is it really that damn hard to remember the high kick after the toe touch? Really?”

“I lost count. Let’s go again.” Nina wipes a hand over her forehead and nods her head, not yet understanding how pissed Noa is.

“You lost count? Really? Seriously? How the fuck do you lose count enough to do a high kick while everyone else is doing a toe touch that you have not even done yet?” Noa punches every word out of her mouth with rage and fire. She can feel herself going too far, she can see that everyone’s gaze shifts up to her - all of a sudden, way more intrigued in her than the ground they usually stared at during breaks so they could catch their breath.

Nina’s jaw drops as she looks around the room, probably trying to confirm that everyone else can see Noa pacing with anger.

“It’s like you can’t do anything right anymore, Nina. What do I have to do to make sure you can do the routine in the right sequence? Draw it out step by step for you?” Her voice isn’t quieting down but getting louder. The hair on her neck is sticking out and red is all she sees.

“Excuse the hell out of me, Madame captain. Chill out.” Nina instructs, taking a step forward from her spot between Cara and Erin. “No need to have a bitch fit.”

At the same time, Farrah and Molly take two steps forward, knowing exactly where the root of this is really coming from. They both suggested multiple schemes to have Nina kicked off the team and out of school, insisting what she did was ‘next level betrayal type shit’.

Noa is shaking with everything she feels, her hands trembling and her heart racing. So many things pop into her head that she wants to say, and a million more actions suggest themselves to her. But then, out of nowhere, she feels her eyes sting - no tears forming but definitely threatening.

“Yeah.” Noa throws her head back and closes her eyes, breathing in deep and resetting herself right then - having no other way out of this situation, not really. “Let’s call it quits for the day. Good practice you guys.”

Just like that, she’s turning to the CD player, preparing it to go back in the storage closet.

No one else makes a move.

“What? We still have like 40 minutes of practice left.” Erin speaks up for everyone.

“Not today.” Noa doesn’t even look at them as she grabs her gym bag and makes her way to the closet. By the time she’s back out of it, only Molly and Farrah are left on the court.

“Noa,” Molly starts with a gentle smile. “Wanna go get something to eat with us?”

Noa continues her path to the door, having only one end goal in mind, or the only attainable one - her own bed and not some basketball players. “Nah. I’m good. Going to go have a smoke and write some of my English paper.”

She could smoke a quick bowl on her way and then write the paper while underneath her thick, warm duvet.

“You sure?” Farrah calls out as Noa reaches the doors.

“Yup. Positive. Thanks though!” She fakes a big smile over her shoulder and then adds, “See you tomorrow.”

—

The paper Noa decides to work on that day isn’t due for a couple of days so it doesn’t really matter that she is high as fuck as she tries to type some of it. It’s always been one of her favorite things to do - work on boring ass assignments while high and see the nonsense that comes out. Normally, it works out in her favor, leaving her with a sliver of a backbone to build off of.

This time, it’s not working so much. Which is a perfect example why she really doesn’t love to smoke weed when she is upset. Weed usually just heightens her mood, makes her feel good and fun and carefree. When she’s sad and smoking weed, she’s still carefree but she can sense the horrible feeling in the back of her mind and it just makes her think of that rather than the paper, ruining her high completely.

She’s staring at the white of her word document and thinking of what Harry is doing right at that moment.

It isn’t as if things have totally stopped between the two of them for the last nine days. Harry still texts her and she still replies. They talk to each other a little in class and have even had sex once in the back seat of his car late one night. But everything has just become… stilted. Harry looks at her with apologetic eyes but she can’t find it in herself to see the truth in them. She can’t manage to speak up the words neither of them ever said to each other nor can she find the reason why it feels like it’s all on her.

Now, they’re just two people who had something great that was tainted by miscommunication or distrust or fucking insecurity.

Harry texted her after his practice, asking if he could come over. Noa didn’t even respond. She’ll do that in a couple of hours, claiming to have been busy with the paper she isn’t even starting on. Until then, she slides the laptop from her lap onto her bed and opens up Netflix, finding an Adam Sandler movie to distract her from those spiraling thoughts.

—

Bethlyn comes in at 9:01, waking Noa with her computer still open in front of her, the screen now turned black. Barely being able to even remove the sleep from her eyes, there is a knock at the door.

If she had enough time, Noa still wouldn’t have thought to tell Bethlyn not to answer it. The room is lit up by more than just her desk lamp when the hall light shines in, the shadow of Harry casting over Noa’s side of the room.

“Hi. ‘S Noa awake?” He questions, peering in and around Bethlyn.

And Bethlyn, bless her damn heart, isn’t aware of all the blurry shit that’s gone down between them so she doesn’t know not to walk over and shake Noa’s shoulder. “Hey, Harry’s here.”

“Okay.” Noa sits up and swings her legs off the bed, sliding on her worn slippers and zipping up her hoodie to cover her lack of bra. “Hey.” She greets him as she closes the door behind her, giving them some privacy.

“Hey.” Examining her face, he bites his bottom lip, looking a bit off. “Would you maybe want to go get some dinner with me?”

“Umm,” Noa doesn’t want to get dinner with him. She can’t even look at him just like she can’t look at Nina without seeing things she is probably making ten times worse in her head. “I’m really tired right now, Harry.”

He nods his head up and down a few times before he sighs and bows it - like he’s deflating minutely. “You’ve been tired every night for the last week or so.”

“Rough time in my semester.” She shrugs and moves her hand for the doorknob, but waits to turn it for some reason. Maybe because when Harry shifts his green eyes back to her, they’re duller than normal. His lips are chapped red and bitten and she wonders for a second why he hadn’t thought to put any chapstick on when it’s this cold out.

Moving a hand to push his hair out of his face, Harry asks hopefully, “I’ll see you at the game tomorrow though?”

Of course. Where else would the captain of the cheerleading team be on game day? She wants to say (among various other things) but can’t with him staring at her like that - fragile and hurt even though he is the one who kissed someone else.

“Yeah, Harry. I’ll be there.” She turns the knob and pushes it open. “Bye.” Taking a step backwards, she watches him do the same.

“Bye, Noa.” He smiles at her name, charming and warm and awful. Awful because it almost makes her want to do the same as she crawls back into bed.

“Aw, he’s not coming in? I haven’t had a good Harry roast in a while.” Bethlyn asks when she exits the bathroom and sees Noa but no Harry, referring to all the times Noa had him over and she would make fun of him for something stupid. It was one of the best things about Bethlyn - the way she got Harry questioning himself with a few quick quips.

Noa felt a pang at that, then flipped over so she was facing the wall.

“No. He’s not coming in.”

—

As to be expected, Harry plays amazingly the next day and The Wolves win the game.

Noa rolls her eyes more times than she can count, anger returning when she has to watch him do so well for a second week in a row when she feels all muddled inside.

Molly and Farrah decide not to rush the court with the rest of team once they see Noa walking off to the locker room alone. Instead, they spend fifteen minutes talking her into going to the Sigma Kappa house before Noa realizes that she is denying a party because of some boy and agrees wholeheartedly.

—

“Noa!” Niall comes up to her, drunk as can be with beer in the red cup hanging out of his hand and a smile from ear to ear. “Didn’t know you were here.”

“I’ve been over here the whole time.” She motions to the couch Zayn and Molly are making out on. She recently just stood from it and began swaying to the dumb pop song playing, giving them some more space. “You seen Farrah?”

“Louis.”

“Of course.”

Niall grabs her wrist and tilts the red cup in her hand. “What? No drinking?”

“High.” Noa lifts the cup to her mouth and swallows the last bit of water left in it, then drops it on the table to her left. “How have you been?”

“Good. Classes are fine, thinking of dropping out though.” Niall shrugs like it’s not a big deal, laughing at Noa as shock surely covers her every feature.

“What the fuck? No! If you drop out, we’ll all drop out. It’ll be anarchy.”

Noa laughs at her own joke as does Niall - probably because of just how hilarious he finds the reference.

He gives her shoulder a playful punch, shaking his head, “No way, Noa. You’ll get that Dance degree and amaze us all.”

“Oh yeah?” Noa doesn’t believe that so much, mainly because she still doesn’t know exactly what she wants to do with the degree - cheerleading or actually dance? “What will I be doing, huh?”

Niall might have a good answer for her though. Maybe right now, as she is high and he is drunk, she’ll figure it out with one answer from him.

“Whatever the hell ya want, babe!”

Or maybe not. Noa’s shoulder slump and the hopes she grew in the last two seconds die.

“You’re no help, Niall.”

“Sorry!” He exclaims with wide eyes and then remembers something. “Oh! I talked to that girl!”

“What?” She grabs both of his shoulders and shakes him with enthusiasm. “How’d it go?”

“She’s in love with me. Gonna have my babies probably.”

“Oh okay. Get it, man.” Noa drops her hands only to lift one into a high five.

Niall graciously accepts, then, “Seriously though, we had a date last week and have another one tomorrow.”

Noa smiles genuinely for him and almost feels like a proud mom, remembering the party when he wouldn’t shut up about her - the one where Harry threw a fit because Molly told the guys he never went down on Noa before then, not that she is thinking of that.

“I’m so happy for you!” She gives Niall a big hug that kind of startles them both. She has never really been a hugger but for some odd reason, right now, it felt like the thing to do. And Niall doesn’t seem to mind it, returning with warm arms.

“Hey guys.” A voice approaches them, almost like the owner of it heard his name dart through Noa’s mind and had to come running over.

She slowly let’s go of Niall and turns to find Harry standing beside them. He’s dressed in raggedy blue jeans with holes in the knee and a white t shirt covered in a red hoodie. Nothing nearly as warm as her wool leggings and an oversized sweater she found at the Goodwill - though frumpy, still incredibly cute if she does say so herself.

“Hazza!” Niall beams like he is prone to do. “Thought you weren’t coming tonight?”

“Ah, you know I can never resist you guys.” Harry swooped an arm around his good friend and ruffled the blonde’s hair. “Is it okay if I talk to Noa though?”

“Please do. She hugged me. It was bizarre.” Niall chuckles and shakes his head, faking a shiver and nodding goodbye to them.

“You look cute.” Harry notes when they’re alone, stepping closer to her. And at least she can have one of her many thoughts confirmed by a voice other than the ones in her head.

“Thanks. I thought so.” She pulls the bottom seam of her sweater as far down as it’ll go, covering half of her thigh just for something to do other than look Harry in the eye.

Though, that doesn’t work for him today. He takes another step closer, moving his eyes into her line of vision. “You want to get out of here?”

He asks with too much hope - the hope of someone who has completely forgotten their disconnect. Or rather, he has the hope of someone who remembers the connection they used to have before the blur.

Noa remembers it too, it’s not like it could be so easily forgotten, but all the other stuff has just gotten too strong. All his anger about a phone call with Shawn and the kiss with Nina in the library was too much.

She pushes him back a bit, gently but certainly. “And go where?” She scoffs at the suggestion.

“I don’t know. Out of here.” The distance doesn’t deter him; he just sounds more urgent now.

“I’m having fun here.”

For the hour she has been here, she’s hardly stopped laughing. And she hasn’t talked to Liam once yet - even if she wanted to leave with Harry, she can’t before she says at least a hello to him.

“Come on. Let’s just go somewhere. Just you and me.” He pouts his bottom lip, blinking rapidly all cute and harmless. Then saying something he shouldn’t. “I miss you.”

Noa thinks she misheard him over the music until she realizes he isn’t moving at all, letting the words hang in the air between them.

“Oh really?” She raises her eyebrows.

“Yes. You know it’s true.” He slides a hand over her hip, holding her so she stays still as he gets closer.

“Harry.” Noa places a hand on his chest to keep some sort of distance. Because she doesn’t know it’s true. Or maybe somewhere in the back of her mind she does, but she isn’t sure what he misses about her.

“Noa. Come on. We’ll have so much more fun on our own. Come on.” He pleads again and holds out his other hand, offering it face up for her to take. “We can go back to my place.”

Noa wants to say no. She wants to be strong and go home on her own and not flake on herself at the first flash of emotion from him. If she could be as strong as she pretends to be, that would be really fucking great.

But apparently, Noa Cherry has no self-control. She takes his hand and follows him out, hoping that maybe Nina will stay a distant thought once she gets back to that apartment she misses so much.

—

They’re undressed within seconds of being in his place - Noa slightly more eager to just get on with it than him but he still pulled off her sweater in less than a second.

His hands are warm all over her as he guides them to the bed with her falling backward first. It gives her a moment to look at him like that - naked and wanting her - before he is once again too close to really see at all. And she has to take a mental picture of it because sure he’s wanted her before, quite frequently actually, but never like that. Never with eyes so hungry and raking her up and down over and over and over again.

He dives back to her, kissing her much slower than before - as if he’s had time to catch his breath and everything isn’t as urgent anymore. For what seems like almost too long, it’s like that. Just kissing and his hands resting on her - one wrapped around her side and the other finding her own.

“Noa.” He sighs over her mouth with his thick accent and languid tongue, sounding perfectly content to be on top of her in that very second.

“Hmm.” She’s too busy kissing him back to actually say anything of worth, not even his name. She simply slinks an arm around his back and pulls his lower half down so she can swirl her hips more easily - desperately trying to get as close to him as possible. So close she won’t even be able to distinguish between where her body stops and his begins.

Once she’s barely brushed her pelvis against his a few times, they pick up just a tad. Hands begin roaming instead of just sitting and lips star pressing to other places - his explore down her neck to her collarbone then over to her shoulder. A finger of his revels at the shiny silver barbells in her nipples but seem too hesitant, knowing the healing process isn’t complete yet. Just one touch has her preening with excitement though, and she gets a glimmer of anticipation for the future when they are healed.

Opening the space between her thighs, Noa pulls one leg around his torso then waits for him to fumble a condom on before she urges him in. As he fills her up, she bites her lip to keep from making the self-indulgent moan she’s suppressing.

It’s just the fact that he’s moving so lethargically is all. Every pump seems like a chore but a chore he can’t get enough of. A groan leaves his throat, making Noa feel like she needs to hold on tighter to keep from shaking with it.

She lifts her head off the pillow and begins peppering her lips on all the skin she can reach - his shoulder, neck, jawbone. If she had more will, she would be able to get to his lips. Instead, he reaches down for her and reconnects them at the mouth, all the while, never stopping the steady rhythm of their hips.

“Noa,” Harry whispers out of breath, moving back a centimeter at most and trying to make eye contact. “I’m so sorry.” He mutters with conviction.

The words sting nevertheless. He didn’t have to say them right then. He didn’t need to bring it up when they were like that - so vulnerable and bare. She turns her head and closes her eyes, too close to her climax to say anything coherent anyway. Biting on a finger as it washes over her, for the most part she holds in the whimper that’s begging to come out.

Harry places a few more pecks on her jaw before he moves off of her and onto his side of the bed, pulling the sheet over her body as he gets water for them both. As he comes back, he finds her on her side, facing the wall so he can’t see her scrunched eyes.

The sound of his rustling tells her he’s under the cover behind her but she doesn’t feel him. She feels his eyes on her skin where she’s letting her back sit exposed, but he doesn’t move a hand closer or try to get her to wrap around him.

And she’s thankful for it right then because it’s hitting her hard. After such a sweet time full of careful motions in a bed she’s grew so comfortable in, it hits her.

Harry kissed another girl. And maybe he is sorry and maybe he does miss her but he didn’t get her like she thought he did. She thought all that time they spent in this bed together and all the stories she shared would be good enough for him. She assumed Harry would just know that when she came to him with her mom issues or confided in him about her pre competition jitters or when she ate dinner with him every fucking night, he would just understand that he meant something to her.

How he ever thought everything she did give him added up to it being okay for him to kiss Nina, out of all people, Noa will never understand. All she feels lying next to the boy who completely stole her damn heart is total betrayal.

So she waits for him to fall asleep - his breath evening out and tiny snores escaping his lips - before she slips out of his bed and gets dressed. Putting on the bare minimum, she takes a look around the room, spots a flannel on his floor, and steals one of his good ones for the last time before she makes the cold walk back to her dorm.