#it is Shakespeare related and just being a theatre kid in general falls in my niche

[metalbeegang]

i broke down my fave lgbt+ books about girls, because i’m a nerd and i love them

id under cut!

(ID: three white panels.

the first panel is a cross/alignment chart with the title ‘best friends in lgbt+ girls books’, with the top arrow going to ‘excellent’, the bottom going to ‘evil’, the left going to ‘enemies’, and the right going to ‘stays friends’. in the top right corner (excellent and stays friends) is:

jason (loveless)

orion (the last true poets of the sea)

mariah (the last true poets of the sea)

sim (the lady’s guide to petticoats and piracy) (my love)

joanna (the lady’s guide to petticoats and piracy)

simon (leah on the offbeat)

pip (loveless)

rooney (loveless)

and nick (leah on the offbeat).

on the top left corner (excellent and enemies) is:

natasha (amelia westlake) (i adore her) at the very top in the middle of the square

in the bottom left corner (enemies and evil) is:

cathy (dare truth or promise)

nola (people like us) in the near exact middle of the square

sally (annie on my mind)

beth (amelia westlake)

in the bottom right corner (stays friends and evil) is:

bree (people like us)

mo (dare truth or promise)

the second panel says ‘Amelia Westlake’, then below it:

‘natasha (so smart and competent) (tough and moraled) (deserves better and asks for better) (gets to be loved, accepted, and involved (in vigilante plots!) (bicon)’

‘beth (racist and homophobic) (generally awful to her friends that she “likes”) (condones anything her elitist school does)’

‘The Lady’s Guide to Piracy and Petticoats’, then below it:

‘joanna (tougher and smarter than she looks!) (bonds over science, parties, or oppression) (drags everyone)’

‘sim (trying so hard and is given so little) (so, so smart) (wants adventure AND  a girlfriend) (very loving and poetic pirate)’

‘People Like Us’, then below it:

‘bree (has pretty solid morals) (demands better from people) (actually helped main character a lot) (has no qualms with cheating, so not great)’

‘nola (was traumatised, but also was full-on despicable, so there’s that) (she’s not just killing it on the dance floor) (theatre kid, loving

‘Dare Truth or Promise’, then below it:

‘cathy (closeted and religious, so can be forgiven for some things) (internalised homophobia) (trying and failing to move on from her ex) (the worst family, so understandable that she’s bad)’

‘mo (vague homophobe) (tried to be supportive) (to be fair, she was hella against xenophobes) (theatre kid, so some rights)’

’Annie on my Mind’, then below it:

‘sally (homophobic and ruins lives) (drags other people into her mistakes) (quite genuinely thinks she’s a good person and is helping people) (nearly destroyed everything her “best friend” had worked for)

‘Leah on the Offbeat’, then below it

‘simon (kind of self absorbed) (very very loving) (very supportive) (mlm/wlw solidarity)

‘nick (doesn’t know how to deal with a breakup) (charismatic, but also very annoying) (does love his friends, but is pretty selfish)’

‘Loveless’, then below it:

‘pip (supportive and full of love!) (starts drama and doesn’t realise people are uncomfy) (gets people to improve themselves)’

‘jason (constantly going through it) (loves his friends So Much) (a theatre nerd!) (compassionate and kind) (i don’t know how else to say he’s an angel)’

‘rooney (the trauma did not help) (loves a lot) (makes mistakes! relatable) (shakespeare nerd) (tries her best! a baby)’

‘The Last True Poets of the Sea’, then below it

‘mariah (the kindest, sweetest and funniest) (the fact that she’s the mom friend? simply excellent) (the fact that she just loves spending time with her friends is enough to make her the best character easily) (part of ‘cousteau!’ the musical)’

‘orion (no one can not love a guy that plays the harmonica to a lobster) (loves his friends) (got pretty bad luck, but that doesn’t mean he’s not lovely and accepting about it) (memorised his lines for ‘cousteau!’, because he’s a cutie)’

the third panel shows the book covers and my very short, very bad reviews

‘Amelia Westlake’

6/10

points for ‘be gay, do crime’

points away for cliches and meh storytelling

set at a private girls school in sydney!

lesbians! bisexuals! people of colour!

racism is only called out at end

‘The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy’

11/10

aro/ace lead!

women! people of colour! wlw and mlm rep! good rep!!

historical fiction, with realism and a couple sea dragons

prejudices are destroyed, love is created, adventures are had

feminism + piracy + science

‘People Like Us’

7.5/10

dark academia about girls

everyone is messed up and only vaguely likeable

bisexual lead!

wlw best friend of colour!

looks seriously at trauma and affect on identity

‘Dare Truth or Promise’

8.5/10

good and realistic! (happy)

lesbian leads!

talks lots about family, religion, homophobia, and bad coping mechanisms

involves ‘twelfth night’ and two noobs falling in love

’Annie on My Mind’

8/10

very cute lesbians in love

one of the first lesbian books with a happy ending in history!

can be kind of stilted/cliche

no poc rep, half point for poor immigrant italians

‘Leah on the Offbeat’

9.5/10

two bi girls!! ahh!

people of colour! wlw mlm!

excellent storytelling

talks about biphobia, being plus-size, racism, and love

racism gets called out!

‘Loveless’

10/10

aro/ace lead! real and excellent

wlw mlm! non-binary rep! people of colour!!

it’s about love in all forms! (found family)

talks about aphobia + trauma

‘The Last True Poets of the Sea’

SO good because it talks about mental illness (in a good way), lots of types of love, grief, and the nature of surviving

wlw in love! mlm! poc rep!

based off ‘twelfth night’

End ID)

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Uchitama 1 - 2 | Hatena 1 - 2 | Ankoku Hakaishin 1 - 2 | Infinite Dendrogram 1 | Hanako-kun 2 | In/Spectre 1 | ARP Backstage Pass 1 | A3 1

Rolled out one tag. I got pretty far behind, so I’ll catch up in the next few posts.

Uchitama 1

Ume and Shirai here.

I would assume this kid with the tiger on his shirt is called Tora, because I vaguely remember a “Tora” in the promotional material.

The sakura aesthetic is nice.

This switch between boy and cat forms is a bit…”weird” is the first word that came to mind, but “random” was the next.

Tora = Shirai and Ume is a character called Kuro, who we haven’t seen yet. (Had to google which roles they had.)

LOL, I like Beh already. A sleepyhead like him is perfect!

I just noticed, but Beh sometimes has a cleft palate (that little dent in the mouth).

Ume’s character isn’t too bad-looking, y’know. He’s a clumsy one though, so he doesn’t quite seem like the sort of character I’d gravitate to.

Seeing boys and girls act like cats and dogs makes me LOL.

Huh? Is cat-dog romance like your standard opposites attract romance…?

Hmm…thank goodness the mother cat wasn’t “made human”…

I’m used to Nora being a woman (see Noragami plus the Western general usage of the name “Nora”)…so this one being a guy (with nice eyes, to boot) is a bit disorienting.

Turns out the Tosa is a huge dog with a face like a pitbull.

I find this Momo-Bull romance just a bit weird still.

I got spoilt on this from the reviews, but Waiha = Hawaii.

That flash of Nora’s owner (?) was interesting!

Other notes: The narration seems to be done by the voice of Tama. Ume sounds like Ume, but it doesn’t feel like Ume because he’s playing against his normal type of character. Shirai doesn’t sound like Shirai though…it’s a completely different character to the types I’ve heard him do before (Ramuda and Io don’t sound like Tora, but Vino sounds similar to En because a lot of Ume characters are done in his usual, suave voice…Ramuda is Shirai doing a falsetto though so he’s hard to compare).

Hatena 1

This one got alright reviews, but I get the feeling I’m not going to like it, so lt’s get this over and done with.

Why is Kana the only one with the black hair…?

This OP is rather low budget compared to the others…

I fully expect Kana to go “It’s bitter…” and make a face when drinking the coff-yep. Thought so. Why do people think black coffee is the mark of a distinguished adult anyway? I don’t even like coffee, so I don’t get it at all.

The sentence in Japanese went something like “Makoto’s always been good”, so I don’t get why the word “egg” had to be introduced into the subs.

There’s an onigiri sale in the back, LOL.

The gates were fairly CGId…

The butler’s name is literally Jeeves Wodehouse, LOL.

Oh, Yumemi is blonde because of Maeve and Kana is brunette/black (?) haired because of Mamoru. Yumemi = dream seeing and Mamoru = protect.

Kana’s voice is annoying! That’s why I thought I wouldn’t like this.

Kana’s such a tsundere now that she knows Makoto is a boy, it’s annoying. I already knew such a detail from the reviews, so I’m not miffed at all.

I find it vaguely amusing that there were 3 different types of animation of a person popping their head into the attic.

Ema’s just a bit evil…Update: Nup, she just ships Kana x Makoto, that’s all.

The hardsubs weren’t encoded correctly on this episode, so they’re all blurry now. Still readable but blurry.

The pun is that the ka in Kana can be read hate in other cases.

More CG doors.

Why is Kana wearing the scarf, even after her bath in a towel???

This reminds me of Hayate the Combat Butler…

Maeve is foreign...that’s why she’s blonde. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (<- partially sarcastic)

Hmm…the fact you can’t tell what is and isn’t real is an interesting factor. However, the production values and the bog-standard romance being set up undercut that.

Magical girl transformation, eh? Reminds me of DN Angel or Magic Kaito, but also Phantom Thief Jeanne or something of the sort.

Hatena 2

I’m still trying to see if this is something to kick out…

This “scarf punches guy” business is getting old…I never got used to it in the old-school harems. I don’t know why it’s become a “classic” thing in anime.

This is meant to be for a boy’s perspective, so…I don’t get it. Okay, I’m dropping this.

Infinite Dendrogram 1

An isekai…oh, goody. (sarcastic) Then again, if I liked this I could try a new publisher out, so it’s win-win for me and the companies I go through to get there.

*the exposition rolls in about virtual reality* Oh great (sarcastic)…this is SAO all over again, isn’t it???

I saw HOTZIPANG in the credits list…now I’m really wary. HOTZIPANG were in the credits for Africa Salaryman and their animation production isn’t the best.

1st person cam…you suck, you know that?!

No. 13 (unlucky number)…Cheshire (Alice in Wonderland)…

Ray for Reiji makes sense, but…(consults Google-sensei) mukudori does mean “starling”, after all.

Yo…does Ray have to be blonde…? Is this some commentary on how having blonde hair is better than black hair, or am I thinking about this too much? (It’s my belief that Asians want to look European and vice versa – just look at their beauty standards! - so that’s where that comes from.)

Box? Looks like a bag to me.

Welp, just grabbing the kanji for mukudori via Wikipedia revealed the Embryo is a sword to me…*shrugs* No surprise there – as TV Tropes would say, heroes love swords (and redheads!).

So you can commit murder in Infinite Dendrogram??? (I’m joking partially, but Cheshire did say “you can do anything”…right?)

…and of course Ray drops into Altea from the sky. It’s been a cliché since No Game No Life.

“This is a game?” – Actually, I thought the same thing when I entered the website and game of TERA. Then again, this is basically trying to be SAO through and through, so I guess spouting that line is a prerequisite here.

How does anyone break both arms from running into someone…?

Well, at least this show looks nice. It’s doing its job on that front.

I was going to ask what a tian was, but the show answered it for me. Good job, show!

*Googles “dendrogram”* - “a tree diagram, especially one showing taxonomic relationships.” – Oh, so that’s why it’s called Infinite Dendrogram! (Y’know, it reminds me of studying about dendrites, which have the same appearance as a dendrogram...hence the shared origins of the words.)

Normally characters don’t jump into virtual worlds with thir brother…they’d do it with their cousin or crush or something…Hmm.

I was about to think you die in real life if you die in the game, but thank goodness this one is nowhere near as bad.

CGI bugs…of course…

That one still shot revealed a crack in this show’s visuals. I almost thought I could select it on the basis of the excellent visuals alone, but nope.

“…that…leaves a bad taste in my mouth!” – Not again, Ray…stop saying that line…

Again? I just told you in the last note not to!

Of course Ray gets the girl. I should’ve known…well she’s a sword but also a girl…?

The sentence ending -grizz is –kuma in Japanese.

I felt something special in my gut when the sword appeared, even though I’m complaining about this being like SAO, so I think it’s worth continuing.

A3 1

A3 is based on a mobile game so it looks a lot like those idol games, but it’s actually about acting according to the full name of Act! Addict! Actors!.

This kid’s eyes freak me out!

Considering this involves – according to the synopsis – a Mankai (full bloom) Company and this is called “spring and summer”, plus the metaphors from earlier, it makes sense the kiddo’s jumper says “spring” on it.

I thought the kid was singing, but turns out he’s reciting Shakespeare. I don’t know how popular the ol’ Shakie is in Japan, but I’ll take it.

Veludo Way = Broadway, apparently.

It should be Biro-do or Verodo, but not “Vedulo” like the subs say.

*sees a woman* - Oh great, so now this turns into an otome game…or, like i7’s Tsumugi, she’s an audience insert.

Someone encoded the video funny again…*sigh*

I bet the demolition guy is going to join the theatre, based on his looks. Update: According to the wiki, yes he does (as part of the Autumn troupe)! One of his hobbies is bubble wrap, which I can relate to immensely…and apparently he’s a yakuza…?

Masumi’s voice…is that Kaito Ishikawa? Update: No! It’s Shirai! I’m so surprised…it’s a very Io-sounding voice, though, so I guess I shouldn’t.

Masumi is one of those needy types who could easily fall into yandere territory…I don’t like him. I don’t like Sakuya either, though…

I know this from my recent experience, but hard work hardly works, Sakuya. Staying somewhere one year or ten years does diddly squat if you don’t have what other people are looking for. *tries not to cry*

I’m sorry guys, but even with the attack to the heart, I don’t give a s*** about you all. The troupe was just arguing to delay their deadlines and Furuichi (the demolition guy) has a point – the guys didn’t really prove themselves outside a brief but unimpressive stint from Sakuya.

ARP Backstage Pass 1

Hopefully this show is actually good, y’know? A3 just bombed…

Okayyyyyyyyyyy…from the one minute or so that I’ve seen, it looks like a Coldplay concert but with bishonen (good) and bad music (which is…uh, bad). That does not bode well for this show…also, the stage names are pretty obviously that. I mean, who cals their kid “Rage”? It’s probably Reiji (again, considring Infinite Dendrogram).

The cars from above almost look like Frogger…LOL.

Oh f*** me and my on-the-ball instincts! I guessed correctly again (Rage = Reiji)…and that’s bad news.

Wait, why is Shinji staring into space…?

There’s a kettle noisily going on in the background, so I can’t really tell what’s so awesome about this show without the music…I guess I’ll have to abort this mission until later…

Okay, so I listened to the piano bit thrice and couldn’t tell if there was a piano noise…That’s bad news. Update: Yep, listened to it again and there is no piano sound during the piano scene.

The rock music was…unexpected.

Wait, you mean the dude’s name is actually Daiya??? What???

Oh my gosh, these guys are hilarious! I know that’s dark considering they’re starving, but…LOL.

Idolmaster Side M taught me that career changes are actually pretty interesting when combined with idol anime and…this may be a band or something, but it sure works the same way.

That transition to Leon was terrible.

This appears to be Yokohama (Chinatown) and Hakone (the pirate ship).

Well, the show’s case would be helped if they had music in the right places, rather than music videos interspersed throughout.

Geesh this one is tough…some of the music is actually pretty good and the episode does get better when Rebel Cross appear (but Shinji is kinda boring, even though I thought I’d like him the most, and Leon’s singing was downright terrible), but the animation is terrible and I found myself going “But why should I care?!” multiple times in my head during the first half. The group do seem to have quite good synergy at the end and are generally entertaining, too.

Ankoku Hakaishin 1

I’ve ben calling this “Destructive God” or “Ankoku Haishin”, so this is A Destructive God Sits Next to Me. Update: It should be Hakaishin…actually.

Ooh, Natsuko Takahashi. This show’s in good hands.

Very Seki-kun.

Black Mouse Land, LOL.

“This is war!” – The word here is shoubu, which literally means “victory or defeat”, so it makes sense to change it to a more commonly used phrase.

“RIP Koyuki” – The grave said “Koyuki’s grave”…which isn’t that funny to be honest, so again, I get the decision to change it.

Hanadori still had the dog…?

“Things I Want to Forget” – Literally, the words on the page mean “black history”, which I think is funnier.

Oh, I bet Koyuki will plan the class trip…

“[T]he jerk in the next class over” – Does he have a name…?

I bet Koyuki has the worst grades in math of the trio.

Koyuki is deliberately designed like a cat, it seems.

You can see the broken window from earlier…LOL.

It’s Animal Crossing! On DS! (But what’s up with that rabbit with the fishnet stockings…?) Update: Do Japanese kids even use DSs these days? DSs must be cheap in comparison to their newfangled gaming laptops and Switches…

Is Tsukimiya Mamoru Miyano or something…? Update: Nup, Kimura. I seem to get those two confused quite a bit.

The “Muney” (sic) thing is because he (Hanadori) wrote the hyou in mokuhyou (aim, goal) wrong. By the way, Hanadori put an eyepatch on one of his banknotes.

That ending was actually kind of cute. I always prefer heartwarming comedies like these over mean-spirited ones (Osomatsu-san, Konosuba), so…yep, it’s in my wheelhouse!

I predicted the ending but the galactic reaction I got was…awesome!

In/Spectre 1

Why does this have so many names? In/Spectre, Kyokou Suiri , Inverted Reasoning (or was it Inverted Interface)…? Update: Inverted Inference. That’s the name on the manga covers.

Ooh, Saki is pretty classy-looking.

This is being framed like a romance, huh? I know this series is supernatural, but I’m not really here for the romance.

What’s the age gap? 17 (Kotoko) – 23 (Kuro)?

Lel, Harlequin novels. Those seem to be exclusive to the Western world (specifically the USA and its English-speaking country buddies), so it’s probably just romance novels in the original words. Update: I found Harlequin novels for Japan, but still, they’d be nowhere near as ubiquitous as they are elsewhere. Update 2: I kept thinking about it, so now I have an entire post with my findings. Turns out Japan does have and know about Harlequin novels (which do look like the one the samurai was holding), but they probably couldn’t state the name because of potential lawsuits or something. 

Oh gosh, Potato-kun (Kuro) – yes, I think of him much like a normal harem lead – getting your hand chomped off to the arm is a bit stupid, y’know?

Whoa! Wht a crazy cliffhanger!

Whoo! This OP (? Or is this an ED?) is crazy cool. Kinda like low-budget Kekkai Sensen.

Well, this show is kinda losing me with the romance elements, but the supernatural part is great.

Hanako-kun 2

What’s Hakujoudai? Those will o wisps? Update: Seems so.

The explanation of Yousei-san has a voice like it’s coming across a radio…interesting.

The towel…I bet it’s the one from Senpai one of the students mntioned earlier.

The subbers spelt “brooch” wrong.

This new boy – which I thought was Minamoto at first (LOL?)…he has a traffic omamori as an earring and a staff/umbrella, so he’s probably an exorcist. Either that or a massive chuunibyou.

LOL, Castle in the Sky much? (Or is that Nausicaa?)

Nene is reading from a magazine called G Cinema.

The comedy is this is slowly getting better. That’s a good sign for this, but bad for Ankoku Hakaishin…

Seagull High????? (Kamome = seagull.)

Wait, Minamoto??? You mean Nene’s former love is an exorcist??? Update: Oops, that’s (Nene’s crush is) Kou’s older bro…but that’s spoilers.

“Kou” is written with the character for hikari, or in this case “Yorimitsu”.

The action scenes are pretty good in this…I guess I kind of took them for granted in ep. 1.

Oh, I guess I should’ve known that seal on Hanako’s face…there were more of them in his possession. Also, there’s an extra V in the subs for some reason.

The stairs remind me of Muzan’s “universe” near the end of Demon Slayer’s first season.

Oh, the events of this episode tell you why Nene does the next episode stuff.

The ED visuals remind me of Ranpo Kitan’s, and I love Ranpo Kitan’s.

Ankoku Hakaishin 2

Why is Koyuki eating with his teacher anyway? I thought he was the guy from the class next door until he started talking about kids.

“Miguel Whatever” makes me laugh every time.

The cat ears on Koyuki’s phone are cute.

Sumiso reminds me of Aikatsu girls…

Uchitama 2

Bull is an “ore-sama”, huh?

I didn’t think they would continue with the “Solitary King of Destruction” thing.

Bull as a chuunibyou ham is so entertaining, but when they try to play the Momo romance hand again…I start to lose my patience...

LOL, Petstagram…

…and now it’s a (reverse) HAREM!

“[M]ad dog”, LOL, what a turn of phrase.

Okayyyyyyyyy subbers, own up! Who put a dog pun in Bull’s talk?! (I’m referring to the “doggone it!”.)

*points at dog puns*- You didn’t, subbers! You’re still adding dog puns!

Wait, Bull’s singing?! This I didn’t expect!

Well…this decision is hard. Bull’s become greater than ever…but only in relation to his romance with Momo!

Aww…seeing Bull dejected makes me sad inside too.

Oh yeah! There we go! That intro landed its gag purrfectly…to use an intentional cat pun.

Why did I take to Bull so much? Well, if he weren’t a dog, I’d find him completely romanceable, even if he were a massive chuuni.

Oh, the pun is ippai (full). Then you unintentionally switch it to oppai (boobs).

What? Wow, I never thought I’d get Ume talking about cat and dog nipples. (That’s not a sentence I’m going to be able to match any time soon.)

Okayyyyyyyyy…that one segment was a massive weird non-sequitur. I have no idea how they’d represent that with cat and dog forms.

Oh, Petstagram! We actually get to see it!

This series is more prone to “mood swings” than Ankoku Hakaishin or even Hanako-kun…yikes.

No, no, no! Who is this guy??? Haven’t you heard of “stranger danger”?!

…Oh, so the guy was Tome, huh?

The ED! This aesthetic is too good!

ARGH! Okay, okay, Uchitama! You win! I was going to pick Ankoku Hakaishin because that’s more consistent in landing its laughs and Hanako-kun would’ve been a better choice because its aesthetic is more consistently there plus it has interesting ideas with its apparitions, but Ankoku Hakaishin is fairly interchangeable with Iruma-kun…basically, if Eizouken or Magia Record don’t work out, I can loo forward to switching in one or the other, but I’m going to stick with Uchitama because *gestures wildly at screen* just look at this manservice! Even if it’s actually for a dog, I cannot deny the manservice!

[the-next-miss-american-trash]

It's 3:08 am

So, I've been doing some more thinking, and I've got a tiny bit of a story to tell. So if anyone reads through all of it, thanks.

I noticed that I'd get scared out of doing things i was good at. I was scared of the attention it brought, whether good or bad. In general, I'm scared of attention, but that's a whole nother thing. When I was in middle school, I used to be one of the best runners in the class. Heck, almost even the whole grade. I had a pretty strong drive for competition, but the main reason I was the best at it was because I loved to run. I guess you could say I experienced "runner's high" when i was a little kid. Every day, I would race the school bus to the end of the curb before I reached my street. I ran around the blacktop, even during recess, at the same top speed I always put forth. I was so fast, I really thought running would be my future, because I understood at a young age how to keep improving my speed and how to pace myself.

There was even this one time, on a rainy school day, where we were playing a game during p.e, and I took such a nasty fall that i thought my "running career" was over. I truly remember saying that.

Man, I had such good friends then too. They cheered me on anyways.

But anyways. Being one of the fastest came with it's ups and downs. There was one time during a p.e class, where our teacher had joked around saying that any students that I managed to overlap would have to do more exercises. Now at first, I took careful care of who I passed, because I ALWAYS overlapped everybody. Several times even. And I didn't want my friends to suffer because of my overwhelming enthusiasm for running. So I was keeping pace with one of my friends, when two other kids who were in clear competition with me, caught up and passed me by. My own competitiveness overwhelmed me, and even though my friend begged me not to pass her, I apologized and caught up to them in no time at all, being the first to finish again. Though my friend looked so betrayed, and I couldn't help but feel a little sorry about it.

Then, there was another p.e moment where our classes were getting split into teams of four to do a lil relay race. And as I was doing laps with a different friend, we were suddenly surrounded by a group of guys who wanted us on their teams. Now, two of the fastest girls being swarmed by at least six of the fastest guys, it was kinda daunting on what to do and who to pick, but ya know how kids are. So playfully, I dashed out of there as quick as I could and ushered my friend to follow, which she luckily did. She did look betrayed at first, thinking I was leaving her behind, but we cleared that up. Anyways, the boys eventually teamed with each other against us, and we grouped up with two other kids who weren't really athletic, or runners, but were generally nice friends. Those boys rubbed their victory in our faces.

All these minor instances began to stick to me, like I was being hated for doing something I loved. It wasn't totally obvious or apparent, but the idea was definitely there. I even had this final instant during a field day practice where the guys did a mile race, and when they set the girls to run as soon as the boys went, everyone expected me to catch up and maybe even pass them. But then this other girl from other class blew me in the dust, and I was no where near able to catch up. My teacher even made a playful comment that maybe I just wore the wrong shoes, which was true bc I didn't have my running shoes on. But from then on, I felt like I was being judged. Come field day, I decided to skip that event, because I knew I would never beat her.

Cut to highschool, I kept up my athletic peak, still wanting to be the top student, but never quite getting there. Out of fear, I held myself back. And eventually, my body couldn't keep up with what I wanted to achieve. There was always someone better than me; someone who found it so effortless, when I tried so hard. Until eventually, that passion died out, and I blended with everyone else.

But my struggles didn't end there. I quickly picked up a new hobby, one that changed my highschool course drastically. I went into theatre, and I fell in love with it. I wanted to be in every play, learn every line, do every job, excel in everything that it took to be in theatre. I don't think I've gotten "lead" roles, but I took what I got and made sure I shined.

And then the judging began.

Just one little comment- like this one junior who expressed a small annoyance with the freshman that she always saw in plays was there again- to silent stares I got from other classmates when something theatre related came up, I wasn't aware of it then but it began to hinder my passion for the subject.

There was this one event that took place ever junior year, and if memory serves me right, it was called the Shakespearean Idol. In our English classes, every student took a sonet or monologue from Shakespeare and we had a little "tournament" for the best actor, kinda. I was so excited! But then suddenly, I felt very terrified of everyone around me. I felt the icy cold stares of all my peers, because I knew they knew that this was my field. I heard passing comments of "who cares" and "does it really matter", and one girl, though in good spirits, told me "I know you're gonna win anyway, but this should at least be fun".

And suddenly, it all felt wrong. Why was I even doing this for? What's the point of being at the top if no one else was gonna even try? I'll look like a fool for trying so hard. And so, when it came to the first round of practice runs, where everyone went up with their papers in class- and where I was already 100% memorized- I took my paper with me, doubted my own ability and put myself down, and read, even though I was trembling so horribly. I hindered myself, because I know that everyone thought there was no point in trying because I was gonna win anyways.

And you know what happened when the big day finally came?

I won anyways.

But it felt so awful.

I felt like I didn't deserve it. I didn't feel worthy of it. I didn't try; it was lacking the heart and passion I usually put in. And all I could think about was how much the other people could hate me for being so good at something I loved.

I didn't like it. I never wanted that kinda of attention or anxiety again. I came around to being so careful about what other talents I possessed; to not brag, to not talk too much, to not over share. Because I was never really ever sure of myself ever again after that. And I hindered myself so much for it.