#it hurts so much byt im not good enough

[bru1sedr1bs]

sometimes i feel this longing for him and i want to die

[everythinghatedleaveitnaked]

I know why i have so many frustrating thought patterns and calls to suicide as my end all be all. It feels like I can’t help but trust the wrong people and they end up fucking me over when it matters the most. And it hurts. Like... REALLY fucking hurts. I don’t really get it. And its such a fuck over that it eclipses any semblance of a blessing that I might have come across prior to the fuckery. I don’t even know how to just be legitimately happy for more than a few days before the hodge podge of bad judgement rears its ugly head and reminds me that i aint shit. It’s crazy. I’m supposed to be animating.

I’m not. 

Supposed to be doing commissions.

I’m not.

Supposed to b applying to more of these fuck ass assistant manager positions.

I did one, but fuck that place and fuck me.

I used to think that at least journaling it and putting it somewhere that I can look and decide how irriational these thoughts sounds would kinda bring me back around but I don’t even care. Not in the slightest. 

I can’t even write good raps nowadays. I don’t even know what i’m saying half the fucking time. Im just rapping to rap or what the fuck ever. I was listening to some old music the other day and it was so inspired and I sounded like a reAL person as compared to the hollow piece of shit i’ve become. And it’s wild because it was only like 2 years ago. Making sonds about fixing my hair and how i don’t smoke but i appreciate what cannabis can do for people and all types of unique and inventive shit. Nowadays, I just dwell on that piece of shit duck adn his stupid whatevcxer and write about a bunch of scenarios im completely making up because my actual life is trash.

Can’t even trust people to go move in with them because they’re all coke addicts and potheads and fuckbois and dumbasses and it sutpago n;aoiwrmq 980vu b c798 hvbvmb v9maes879d. I don’t usually flip out on my keyboard often enough for me to break t tv his damn thing byt my god i have a lot of pent up rage and frustration that has no outlet.

NOTHING IS WORNOIUGnfrveuias 9uvdqt2 v9q38n wc. NOTHING IS WORKING. and I’m tired of nothing if I can’t actually BE NOTHING.

I was reading this article today about a machine for euthanasia being developed in Europe in a region that legals allows it. And my immediate thought was “bitch, let me 3D print that shit right now so i can handle my scandal right fucking now cause fuck life”. 

I reiterate, 

THIS

DOES

NOT

MAKE

ME 

LESS FUCKINGNGPDbaerbbreuoib irritated at all. 

It used to .

I don’t know what the fuck happened. They say happieness is something you work on daily and somehow you’ll end up reaching it if you’re dilligent in pursuing it or what not, but I just don’t believe that. I still don’t have a job that can sustain my independecny and i’ve been actively pursuing that for YEARS. Still not much of a real person to myself. I try and believe that I have friends but what is a friend that you come out the gate hiding things from? I’m just as trash as the fucks that keep entering my life.

I’m generalizing but my insecurities aren’t. They hate everyone.  I say

maybe

juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust maybe i’ll make it another year