#it honestly feels like that time i had a really bad cyst in like senior year of high school hopefully this goes away like back then too

[maxellminidisc]

I am having legit some of the most HORRENDOUS cramps in a long fucking time. I had such a hard time sleeping last night but i managed to get some this morning when they chilled out a bit. My cat is like being sweet to me weirdly too lol he like rarely chills with me anymore unless its feeding time but now he wont leave my side :’)))

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #304

“she’s got a hold on me  /  maybe she is just what they want me to be”

How many foreign friends do you have? Only one that I know of that actually immigrated into America in their life. I think. In which countries do they live? She was born in Asia, either China or Japan. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? I either wanted to go to the skating rink or Chuck E. Cheese. Have you ever come up with your own game? As a kid, definitely. Whose hand did you hold last? Probably my niece's or nephew's if they were taking me somewhere. What was the last thing you planted? Habaneros, I think. Do you have a green thumb or are you all thumbs with plants? I don't really try with plants because I'm not interested in the maintenance. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? Does telling your therapist about another person and what they do to stress you out count? lol Any books on your night stand? Wings of Fire: The Brightest Night. Would you ever consider going vegetarian? I was briefly one, but I had to introduce meat back into my diet because I just hate too many foods needed to keep me healthy without meat. I would love love LOVE to go vegan, but I just can't. When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably holding open a door for someone in a wheelchair. What's the most selfless act you have done? I don't know... Maybe letting my mother use all my Christmas and birthday money (which was a lot) to take care of bills to keep us from being evicted and losing the car. She was going to pay me back, but then cancer happened. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? No. What makes you feel lucky? The fact I have a roof over my head, food on the table, access to water... That kind of stuff. Never take it for granted. How many Lidls are there in your town? One. Last time you went to Ikea, what did you buy? I don't believe we've ever bought anything from there? But I wouldn't really know. How do you like your favorite beverage? Really cold in a can, heeeeell yeah. What's your big family secret? We don't really have one. What did you think you were good at, until you saw someone else do it? I remember thinking I was the "gifted" artist in school until I met my acquaintance Cailin in the 5th grade, lol. She is SO talented. What is something nice going on in your life right now? My partial hospitalization program is going well. I'm getting more comfortable with talking via things like Zoom, it's a good opportunity for me to socialize with like-minded people almost every day, and I ADORE one of the teachers so much so that I want him to be my normal therapist. I have never in the entirety of my life felt less judged and more cared for from any therapist before him, and it's almost supernatural how easily this man reads people. You could twitch a certain way and he picks it up. I'm ready for him to teach more of the sessions. What was the pinnacle of wealth to you as a child? The idea of owning one of those toy crane machines, haha. If I saw one in a store, I would like beeeeg for it. I remember I cried once when I came across one I adored, it was just too expensive, lol. I did eventually get a little one, I think. What's something that you hate, but can't live without? My meds. What skill do you not talk about, because you feel it sounds like bragging? I don't really brag about anything I think I'm good at because I feel bad about it and don't wanna emit a "better than you" vibe. Who's the worst person you've encountered on the Internet? Ahhh, a lovely "friend" nicknamed Shakes. God she hated me. If death wasn't a consequence, what would you try? Probably ride a motorcycle. I'm too scared to risk the possibility of crashing, and those wrecks are nasty. What's the dumbest thing you've heard someone say? There's this one video of a TV show host thinking the moon was a planet and it was just- What is the worst smell you can remember? This smell was forever branded into my memory as if it was fuckin trauma. When my late dog Teddy had a massive, infected cyst near his ~you know~ and also wore diapers because of incontinence with his age (also keep in mind he had a UTI we couldn't afford to fix, and that smells bad enough), changing the diaper he would wear overnight could, swear to God, be enough to make you puke. It literally came to a point that I personally could no longer do it. It sounds so so bad and selfish, and it probably is, but Mom had to do it before she left and came home from work; she's way less fazed by stuff like that than me. Yes, when we had the money, we got the cyst removed. What song gets better the louder it gets? Only like, every song I enjoy. The louder the better until it becomes obnoxious to others. What's the biggest inconvenience that does NOT ruin your day? Having to pee at like an unnatural frequency? haha What's something everybody should know how to do? Cook... which I don't know how to do. What is a great movie no one knows about? I'unno. I don't really know the success level of most movies unless you see stuff about it everywhere. What type of person could the world use less of? Rapists, pedophiles, monsters like that. What makes you tingle? I have this odd reaction to rubbing my hand while someone is holding it???? idk why????? What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen? Oh MAN, I wish I could remember 'em all. I've seen some goodies. What's easy to learn, but hard to master? God, it's pathetic that my immediate response is related to a video game, haha. Then again it's such a common idea that it's basically a meme in the World of Warcraft community. So, playing hunters in the game. They're argued to be one of the - if not the - easiest classes in the game that requires little to no skill, while as a hunter main, I disagree with the second part firmly. I don't know about the other specializations because I don't play them, but at least in beast mastery, it takes focus and thinking ahead to master your rotation for optimal damage and just to generally be a skilled player of the class. Not to mention you need to watch your pet(s), too. What's something you've changed your opinion on? Wow, LOTS. Tons of political ideas, like my stance on gay rights, transgender folks, etc... If you had a refilling bowl, what would you want it to contain? For some reason my mind immediately jumped to fresh strawberries. I'm picky with the firmness of fruit, so I won't eat them if they're older because ew. If your bedroom had three portals to anywhere, where would they lead? I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but Sara's house so we could actually hang out, Dad's house so I could see him more, and then uhhh South Africa to regularly see meerkitties. You can ask any author one question about their story. What do you ask? Oh, I dunno. I've got some for writers of other media, but I guess by "author," you mean this is for books exclusively. If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? Shit, I wouldn't even know because I essentially always have caffeine in my system. I don't believe it affects me. When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? Keep trying to sleep, or more common than not, I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop for a while. Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? My most recent therapist in the PHP. I love love love him. The therapists rotate the days they teach, and he was the last one I met. Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? I'm not opposed to it if I actually watched television. Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? If I actually have the money to, omg yes. I honestly do think I create or buy very thoughtful gifts, and I just really enjoy reminding other people that I love and think about them. Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? My sisters, Mom, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday dinner. That place has come to oust Olive Garden as my favorite restaurant, haha. What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? I believe it was this amateur cooking show called Nailed It!, I think it was, with my mom when I sat in the living room with her for dinner one night. Do you have a favorite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? Absolutely animals. Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? Do not fucking talk to me if you're anti-mask. If I set foot in public, I'm wearing a mask like a goddamn considerate human being. Do you prefer zip-up or overhead hoodies? Overhead. I really dislike the appearance of zippers on them. If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? N/A When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? I think it was the first time Tyler came to my house. This was quite a few years ago. When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? Hell, I'm pretty sure I haven't slept over anywhere since the last time I was visiting Sara, which was like, two years ago. What’s your favorite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? The Renaissance; I always found it to be an attractive subject, art being in its "glory days" and all. My Art History course in college really hooked me in. What is the smallest thing you lose your temper over instantly? Homophobic bullshit. What's a job that doesn't get enough respect? As others have said before me, teachers might just top the list. The shit they gotta put up with for so little pay... What did you take for granted until you visited another country? I've never left America, so I wouldn't know. Who is your favorite scientist and why? I don't have a favorite; I don't know nearly enough about any. Do you prefer emoticons or emoji? I'm from the emoticons era, so I'm biased, haha. How did you meet your pet? Roman was the kitten of one of my sister's mother-in-law's females. They have quite a cat problem and wanted to adopt the kittens out, and Mom knew I desperately wanted a cat, so there we go. One day when we were over there, she showed me the kittens, and Roman caught my eye instantly with his beautiful blue eyes. Venus, I "met" via the Morph Market, a reptile hub website for selling, as the name implies, reptiles that are generally morphs of their species. I was clicking through the genes, keeping my price ceiling in mind, and really fell in love with champagnes, and I thought Venus in specific was just absolutely beautiful. I officially met her as a little thing mailed to me, and she was and still is just the sweetest. I wanna point out that when I chose Venus, I hadn't the slightest idea that champagnes harbored "the spider gene," as otherwise I would have avoided adopting her and feeding the market. Regardless, I love her to death and wouldn't trade her out. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo, yeah. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? No; they make me really uncomfortable. When writing RP, some scenes can get sexual, but I have my limits for sure and know when to stop writing and just time-skip. If you had to choose, which one would you rather have: a pet or a baby? Keep the baby away from me. Gimme a plains hognose or tarantula, please. ^Why did you choose the one you chose? I don't want kids at all but would love the mentioned animals as pets. Do you live with your parents or on your own/with a partner? I live with my mother. What's the car of your dreams? I don't have a "dream car." Have you ever witnessed something or someone die? Animals, yes. Has anyone ever told you that you snore or talk in your sleep? I don't snore, but I talk a LOT. Do you have any houseplants? No. Are you more on a laptop or a desktop computer? I only have a laptop, and I prefer them for portability's sake. If you could do absolutely anything, what would you like to do the most? Entirely leave behind my anxiety, probably. Or PTSD. Do you think your parents raised you well? Yeah. Dad didn't really take much part in "raising" us/enforcing rules and stuff, but hey, my sisters and I wound up being good people. Do you have a Facebook? Yeah. Do you know any of your neighbors? Definitely not well. We haven't lived here long at all. Does/did any of your relatives have an interesting, nowadays unusual job? I'm sure somebody does. Have you met your ideal partner yet? I think so. Have you had a serious relationship yet? If so, how many? Yeah, two. Do you enjoy books, magazines or comic books the most? Books. Are your parents old-fashioned or up-to-date about certain things? Dad is more old-fashioned I think, while Mom is pretty up-to-date. Do you or did you at some point keep a diary? I very briefly did on a few occasions. I always had a journal I wrote in during all my hospital stays. Have you ever upcycled trash into useful items? I remember I once followed this craft idea on Animal Planet where you turn a milk jug into a bird house. We never got any birds in it, though. Which color Skittle do you like best? The only right answer is red. What’s your favorite element? Of the classic four, fire. If you had your own radio show, what would it be like? YIKES, I don't want one. Don't make me talk in front of (through a radio or not) people. What has been the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten? An "impossible" breakup over Facebook Messenger lmaoooo. Is there a holiday you can’t stand at all? There aren't any that I "can't stand," but I do hold at least some degree of dislike of ones bastardized by religion. It's disrespectful as fuck. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. Has there ever been an activity you became obsessed with? I was definitely obsessed with RPing in my early teens. Like, I ALWAYS wanted to be writing it. What has been the strangest place you ran into someone from your past? I can't think of an occurance. What is something people tend to come to you about? Anything related to English and grammar. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? For purely a hobby, definitely not very far, partially because I can't drive or afford travelling via plane or whatever. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? N/A What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? Pretend to be interested to avoid being rude. Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? Yeah. Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? No, but I need to. Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No. Do you have any bruises on you? Yeah, on my shin. When getting in Ash's van the other day, I hit it against the thing that helps you step up into the vehicle. Because of my muscle atrophy, I, and I am not kidding, can barely manage to absolutely yank myself up there. And mind you, her van isn't even very high up at all. My legs are just that damn weak. Any changes in appearance lately? Gaining weight is fucking lovely. Who was the last person to call you babe or baby? Probably a gal friend commenting on a selfie or something on Facebook. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Sometimes. Do you actually care about other's problems? Probably too much for my own good. Have you ever gotten a teddy bear from someone? Besides my mom, I don't think so.

[iglooface]

My whole school career, despite how short it may be thus far, I have always been complimented and received positive remarks about how smart I was and how talented I was. They all find it strange that these are not traits I am proud of.

I grew up with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. My three original traits that have come to rule my life. I inherited mild depression from my mother, and anxiety and insomnia from my father. In all of my years in school except for the last I have been bullied mercilessly for everything about my being. It would vary from my hair, my style of clothing, my physical being, calling me ugly, exclusion, death threats, abandonment, being called names and excessively pointing out my mistakes (surprise! I'm human unlike most bastards I meet). I also had chronic nose bleeds, so from the beginning everyone was always grossed out by me for bleeding from my face nearly every day (most of my clothes are stained with my own blood because of this and I'm honestly too broke to afford new clothes very often). Even teachers and my own parents would put me down for nearly everything I did for one reason or the other; nothing I ever did was right. And to add more I'm often put after my sisters' needs and wants. I've never been prioritized.

I was, and still am, a sickly child. I've technically had my heart stopped and been dead twice before and I had a handful of major surgeries before my sophmore year in highschool. My doctors don't ever listen to me and they think I'm dramatic when I bring up actual chronic symptoms I suffer from.

As a child, we moved around a lot and so I switched schools often and was never able to make or keep friends. I come from a long line of verbally and emotionally abusive teachers who went on without consequence whilst I get in trouble for trying to fix myself. In grade school alone I had all but two of my teachers quit their jobs and/or be replaced after that year, if not during the middle.

Children are highly impressionable, and so these kinds of events did lead up to me thinking it was somehow my fault. Logically I know this not to be true, but impressions and mental illnesses are not logical.

In seventh grade alone, I had gone through 12 different prescriptions for pain and different types of birth control to regulate my period and my chronic cramps. It's highly likely that I had, and still have, endometriosis, yet my doctors are always reluctant to perform any blood tests on me simply because I am young, as if being young makes it entirely impossible for me to have health issues.

My periods were unstable to a point that I'd end up having one for thirteen days, or months apart. Given, young girls with periods often experience irregular cycles, but mine kept landing me in the hospital which is never a good sign.

I was bullied that year to a point that I tried to kill myself and failed, and I managed to avoid my parents finding out. This was the beginning of my incredibly high drug tolerance. At the end of that year, my favorite teacher was killed in a car accident.

The following year, it was found out I had massive ovarian cysts that were increasing my insomnia and put me in agonizing pain nearly every moment of my life. But my doctors refused to take action because I was young. That year I was further emotionally abused by a handful of my teachers. One of them, worse than others, was fired during the beginning of the third trimester of the school year. Her replacement, a long term substitute, was even worse. She had bullied and abused the class so hard that kids had killed themselves and I ended up getting conversion disorder.

Conversion disorder is a mental disorder in where my body cannot handle stress. My brain doesn't know how to function and deal with high stress situations, so instead it shuts off my physical body. Symptoms vary from person to person, but mine are on more of the extreme end. It varies from extreme memory loss, seizures, not breathing, choking on white foam produced by my body, screaming unconsciously, blacking out, temporary amnesia, and paralysis. This is a condition that I cannot control under any circumstances, and it truly dictates my life.

Now my mom had gone to the principal (the school cycles through five in a single school year because of a whole lot of drama) to report this teacher and get a new one. And instead of acting reasonably, the principal quite literally told us she wouldn't look into a replacement because it wouldn't change anything.

And, oh, how wrong she was.

I had previously had mild anxiety and depression from previous life experiences, but this year pushed me to be anxious to a fault (granting me a new stutter, hours long panic and anxiety attacks, migraines, etc), and pushed me into such a strong depression I became highly suicidal and went into an emotional shock. And because of this I also gained PTSD, which is a whole trip within itself.

Freshman year was a wreck. Another one of my middle school teachers had died; she died from cancer and was one of very few people who were ever nice to me. I was being bullied on a whole new level of horrid, and I was flunking every class I had been in. My conversion disorder episodes became do frequent and so severe that the school actually kicked me out illegally for about two months before they continued my education on independent study. That year my dog was put down. And normally that wouldn't be such a big deal except for the part she was quite literally my only friend for three years.

Even worse; I was in recovery after one of my more major surgeries to get my ovarian cysts removed to help with my pain and sleeping problems. I was fragile and under the influence of strong drugs when I decided to take my dog on a walk around my property for the first time in a month because I had been on bed rest. She had seen my neighbor, and gotten freaked out by him (he radiates massive pedophile vibes) and so she jumped on him. Now this over privileged scumbag thought the appropriate response was to threaten to shoot my dog if he ever saw her again no matter the circumstance, and proceeded to curse me out profusely all while I tried to apologise and make it right.

My dog had become a liability because of this man and we had to put her down. Take in mind she was an amazing dog, and had never disobeyed me. She was protective of me as she had been since we adopted her and was genuinely the best thing that has ever happened to me. She'd check on me when I cried and lay with me when I was sick, and was there for me more often that my actual parents were.

The next year, I was bullied slightly less, but I had a great ordeal of friend drama and my fair amount of fights with the office staff. One of my friends, who I thought was close to me, had threatened to kill me after I offended her exactly once. I had a bad day after another episode and she had built this reputation of not feeling and being unattached to the real world. I wasn't in the mood to deal with people and when she asked me if I was okay I questioned why she cared. That was it. Later I had apologized because I had come to terms that I was in the wrong for dismantling her emotions, but she decided to take it too far.

One of my teachers was permanently removed from the school for having nudes on a school device, and they brought in a long term substitute. This was about when my PTSD really started to kick me in the nuts, so I went back on independent study to complete the year. My only other friends moved away and my significant other had killed himself after killing himself shortly after telling me he loved me.

I don't expect people to understand the kind of psychological damage this causes to a person, but I can tell you that it hurts.

I was referred to a continuation school in my area for flunking both years of highschool, and this continuation school had a bad reputation of being troubled kids and violent beings.

I get there, I spend my year being amazed by how nice people are to me. This is the first year of my life I have ever been treated like a human, and it was by the people society had deemed misfits. I had a great year; I made friends and built connections to people. And then my friends left me, and my favorite teacher was fired simply for being a first year. My other teacher left the school year early for maternity leave, and, guess what, was replaced by a long term substitute. I don't think I've ever panicked as hard as I did in those months. Similar timing, same school subject, similar classroom. All of the stressors were right and I nearly fell apart at the seams. I had more frequent and severe migraines and anxiety attacks. My hands would shake in fear so hard I couldn't write, which was bad because the classes I had with that teacher were exclusively note taking and online courses. This substitute wasn't a bad person. He was competent and polite and was always helpful, but my mental illnesses and brain blocks caused me to lose the opportunity to work with them successfully. In the last trimester I tried to kill myself three times, and I accidentally overdosed on drugs about 14 times over the whole year. I almost died a lot by my own doing and it was horrible.

Children need stability to survive and develop normally and I had been deprived of both, as well as emotional stability and positive reinforcement.

Now, during these times I had coping methods. I draw and write professionally to distract myself from the physical pain in my being if not just stress plain and simple. I watched documentaries and studied nearly every subject during my sleepless nights. My coping method was learning, practicing, evolving, and then teaching. My IQ had beat the range of average and I've had a reading level ranked at post college since I was in middle school. And this fall I'm a senior and I've only been ranked higher and higher each year. I've always gotten extra credit on every individual assignment and I've always been too of my class. My teachers love my art, and I had exceeded my professional art teacher within weeks of knowing her. I see, I practice, I perfect, I personalize every trait and skill I want and find intriguing. I study and develop to keep myself from remembering the agony I'm in.

I have a really wide and extensive knowledge on almost every subject and culture I've come across from, because being awake and learning for days on end beats being awake and in agony for days on end.

Along with my severe insomnia, it becomes apparent that I've seen more sunrises than the amount of years most adults have been alive. My walks under the starlight and the moon at odd hours? Amazing. Laying in a field at night and listening to all the little creatures and the coyotes howling in the distance? Perfect. Stargazing in my driveway on a clear night in the winter? Cold to my bones but I'd never trade the memory. Walking home in the rain at 11 a.m.? It's made me wiser. Taking a moment to breathe in and feel nature has sometimes saved me.

My bones definitely creak; mostly because I have juvenile arthritis, but I also feel ancient in my mind.

The wear and tear my body has faced for such a physically young being is unnatural. I can't describe the strange feelings of almost bleeding to death or stomach ulcers brought on by stress.

Those weird feelings of my bones cracking wrong or my knees suddenly giving out.

I've seen more of the Galaxy from here on earth than most adults have ever seen in a poster.

The meteor showers, the shooting stars, the solar flares, the cycles of the moon, the constellations? They accompany me on my walk down to my death.

Even better, looking up daily to love the clouds. I've seen amazing things and infinite days in mere minutes.

The feeling of cool streams and powerful rivers. Almost drowning in the ocean on multiple occasions, feeling the rain on my face. Those are the most powerful moments I've ever experienced.

Hearing the cry of infantile wildlife and mothering it feels like an old friend of mine. I cannot emphasize on how many creatures I've fostered back to health.

I've seen life and I've seen death, and quite too much of it for my age. The wars, the shootings, the stabbings and car accidents. People hanging themselves and people who die clear well before their body does. The births i e witnessed, the blooming of Meadows, the appearance of the new foxes.

Aiding things that normally need help and defending those who have lost their shields. Befriending things considered monsters. Providing a moment of peace for animals searching for the bridge of mortality.

The comfort I bring to people, the therapy I provide from listening and accepting, it was never something I had received myself.

My therapist diagnosed me a sociopath path as an ignorant response to seeing my lack of attachment to people. Technically she's not wrong, I'm a mild sociopath.

And before anyone gets weirded out, sociopaths do have feelings. They are simply harder to reach and read by strangers or common uninvolved people. Psychopaths pretend to care when they don't really. They are violent and unpredictable. Do not confuse us, do your research.

My English teacher this year had made a remark about me being an old soul, and oh, how right she was. I am ancient and people notice.

Life has been forever as I have been forever. My heart is still there, just ground to a fine sand and stored somewhere safer.

I'm tired, of course from my worrying for the human race and how much trouble people are creating these days. The people, they see me and tell me to smile, yet I have nothing to smile for.

My pain killers are border line overdose and all they do is make me a little dizzy. The last time I had pain relief was five years ago in a hospital. I had been in so much pain I hadn't slept in 17 days and they out me on morphine. I was only 12 years old and it was then it had become apparent I'd never be able to truly rest.

Somehow, I rest anyways. I find peace somewhere. Maybe in my hallucinations, maybe in my dreaming and dissociating, maybe in the way the trees speak. Listen to them, the trees, they can tell you more than a life time of science and precision.

I exist, not to overpower someone else's suffering, but instead to offer safety and support. I share so much to emphasize how much I understand. I'm not here as competition to see who can suffer more, but instead I am here to offer a helping hand to keep other people out of the pit of depression I often find myself in.

[sorenissuperior]

I didn't really feel like eating anything, and I still feel gross after I did. I had chili. Yeah, yeah, I know. Ew, right?

I've really disliked how I am for a long time. I've always been very jealous, I get upset so easily. I don't think I'd be a very good partner because of it. I have so much love to give. I want someone who will love me with all my flaws. My last relationship ended because we drifted apart. She just stopped talking to me as often. Didn't show affection in messages or anything. It was long distance, and my first real relationship. I was 16 when it ended. I just started senior highschool. Whenever I think about my flaws I get so sad. My chest starts to hurt. I wish I wasn't like that. There's few things i like about myself. I think I have a nice smile. I really like my eyes. My hair is nice. Its easy for me to express and show emotion, but that's a bad thing too. I overthink and imagine all these situations that upset me.

When I was really young my mom had breast cancer. I was less than 2 at the time. There would be lots of times that I didn't see her. I would stay with a friend of hers and she would take care of me. When I was taking psychology in high school we learned about how different babies react differently to certain situations. There was one where the mother would leave the room and the baby was left alone to play, and the baby would start crying. One where it didn't cry, and one where it would play even if a stranger was there. I realized then that I was the one who cried when the mother left. Those babies are more dependent, they grow up to be jealous and clingy and yearn for affection more than others. I've always been very clingy and jealous because I wasn't given a lot of the motherly love I needed when I was young. So whenever I feel someone is treating me well and cares about me I want to be with them always. I know its not my moms fault. It's no ones fault, just unfortunate circumstances that happened to me.

I grew up in an abusive home. That's why I've mentioned if there's ever violence or something of the sort that I get really bad anxiety. If I ever felt I did something wrong and I'd get hit for it I would start to cry. One time I had one of those little plastic painting sets. I accidentally dropped the container, and it woke up my little sister. She was a baby at the time. I started to cry and say that it was amazing accident. I don't remember if I got hit for it, but for me to immediately cry and apologize, to say that it wasn't my fault. I shouldn't have had to go through that. No one does. I remember running away in the apartment I used to live in so I wouldn't get hit by my parents. That's why they ended up getting a divorce. I think I developed a defense mechanism to when people would think I'm lying about something, because I always laugh amd smile when telling them the truth. But because I laughed they think I'm lying, so I would always get punished. Its always been hard for me to control my anger, and ive been doing my best to get better for some time now. I'm sure you heard it when we would play resistance, and I'm really sorry. I even lashed out at you one time in the past. I hate myself for it. You, my best friend. You didn't deserve any of it. You don't deserve to feel upset or sad for anything I've ever done to you. I'm so sorry for doing anything bad to you.

I was sexually harassed when I was young. I was at a friends house, and I think we came back from playing outside, so we were all hot and a little sweaty. When we went back to their room his brother went into the closet, and I just started to play games with me friends. I don't know what was going on, but he told me to play with his brother in the closet. When I went in then took my socks off, and started to lick my feet. Back then I just thought it was really weird. Why is he doing that? I honestly forgot it happened for some years, but when the me too movement was getting popular on social media I remembered that happened to me. I must've been 8 or 9 years old when that happened.

Several months ago I felt a lump on my left breast. I took my shower after taking puppy out, and when I would wash myself over my left breast I felt pain. I felt around some more and found a lump the size of a quarter, Just below my nipple. I was really afraid that I might have cancer. That was close to the age my mom got it. I went to the doctor and he thought it was a cyst. I was given medication to alleviate the pain, and help it go away. It took a few weeks but it finally did go away.

These are some of the things I've been wanting to tell you. I know it's a lot to take in, and these are all heavy subjects. Please leave me your thoughts on this when you have a chance. I love you.

[river-mp-song]

Just A Dumb Rant About My Life and Problems

There are so many things wrong with my life. I feel so stuck in the circumstances that I’m in. People have told me to simply get out of it/them but it’s not that simple. 

What don’t people fucking get about having an abdominal problem that makes you unable to eat for days and vomit constantly or being unable to sleep or drink water because of it? I quite literally am on a pain scale of 8-9 on a GOOD day. That’s not including having severe fibromyalgia and being in constant pain. I suffer from cluster migraines multiple times weekly which calls for many ER visits so they don’t become dangerous. Plus I have a cyst on my ovary which FUCKING SUCKS if you don’t know and to top off the copious amount of physical health problems I have that haven’t mentioned, I have developed kidney stones which adds to the not eating and vomiting and stomach pain. Yay, fun. Oh, and seizures, but that’s mental and we’ll get to that last.

Now, I just started taking Microeconomics. I need this to 1. Save my relationship with my father and little brother (which I will come back to) 2. Get my High School Diploma and 3. Get my Associate’s Degree. 1 and 2 are related and 3 is all for me. All of these should be for me but alas, no. My life was not meant for me to live. 

Here’s a little background: My dad wasn’t the best or even the okayest dad growing up. In fact, I resented him so much. He abused me, my younger brother, and my mom. I stole money from him as a revenge. Even though I admitted it and have tried to repay some of it, my parents got divorced a year after I was supposed to graduate, and the year my brother went into High School. He took my brother one day and just left.(2010-11) He left me with my mom. (She had a fall at work and had multiple surgeries in her shoulders and knees rendering her disabled.) I don’t even remember if he told me he loved me. I just remember him taking my brother and crying as he walked out the front door to the house we lost shortly after. I lost my family, and it was all my fault. My mom ended up becoming more depressed than she already was. She lost her son. I lost half of my family. Fast forward 5 years (2015) and he finally lets me back in his life but it’s conditional and my brother now thinks exactly like my dad. It’s terrifying. I hate myself to this day because it’s my fault they divorced, my fault my family fell apart, my fault that I couldn’t stop this, my fault that I failed my family. Anyways, back to the always-fun microeconomics and why I told you this dumb story.

I took AP Economics in High School. I’m not a bad student. I’m actually quite smart and end up helping people. However, in High School, I had a shit teacher, who ONLY spoke about current events, NEVER had tests, NEVER had homework. I missed a week of school towards the end of my SENIOR YEAR due to being hospitalized for a bad cluster migraine. I came back and she told me that I missed not one, not two, but THIRTY FUCKING TWO ASSIGNMENTS and NO I was not allowed to have them. I then went to the Dean, again she refused to give the (non-existent) assignments, then called in my parents, at which point she said she would but never did and failed me at the end which caused me to never officially graduate High School. Now I’m taking courses in college and passing with Honors and being on the Dean’s list with the exception of two semesters as I’ve taken this course twice (dropped the first time [online honors course] and dropped by the teacher the 2nd for missing a midterm due to having a seizure on campus and taken to an ER). 

MICROECONOMICS: The course I need to obtain my degree in Automotive and also my High School Diploma (NOT MY G.E.D.). It’s also the course I need to keep my Dad and brother in my life for good or lose them forever. He gave me an ultimatum. I have to pass this course or he is done with me. He will never speak to me again. Which mean my brother won’t, my Uncle won’t (whom I love very much and he already doesn’t talk to me and it breaks my heart), and the rest of my dad’s side of the family won’t. I will genuinely lose half of my family if I fail this 5-week course. I am so scared of losing them even if it’s a shitty relationship and I don’t see them often, maybe once every couple months despite them being a few blocks from me. My heart hurts.. I immediately start shaking as soon as I enter the classroom. I honestly don’t understand Econ and it’s my HS teachers’ fault. She never taught so I don’t get it. I’ve tried so hard with no avail. 

My mental health has been just fucked the hell up lately. I was diagnosed with severe/chronic depression when I was ten. Then I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 12 (later turned into severe/chronic anxiety when I was 13) and chronic bipolar when I was 14. I developed seizures from taking Tramadol and now I only get seizures when I have a panic attack. Now, I really don’t care if I get backlash for this part because if you are the type of person to say ANYTHING AT ALL NEGATIVE TO ME FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS, YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF, but I was raped twice within a year near the neighborhood we moved to recently by different people. (Yes, I filed a report. Yes, I spoke to a police sketch artist. Yes, I went to the hospital and had a rape kit done. Yes, I followed up. No, neither were caught.) Now I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have attempted suicide 4 times. Once landed me in a coma. I’ve been institutionalized multiple times. Every time helped a little bit. The most recent time helped the most but I fear I’m backtracking. 

I don’t have a lot of friends but I have a group of close ones. I smile and laugh a lot but majority of the time it’s fake. I used to show when I was going through something but not anymore. I used to talk to my friends about what’s going on, but not anymore. I’m afraid I’m bothering them. I feel so alone. So empty. I have a tendency as of late, to get very real and show how I’m feeling and immediately change the subject like what I just said didn’t happen. It confuses the other person to the point where they forget what I had said and they move on. I don’t really have any best friends. I have one person I may call my best friend but she isn’t. I know I’m kidding myself. I don’t have a best friend. She really used to be, but she moved away in middle school. We’ve kept in touch and when she comes out, she’s my best friend, but otherwise, we’re strangers. I’m the only one in my group who doesn’t have someone to confide in. I can’t trust anyone to keep what I tell them in confidence. I feel like I’m dying inside. I’m losing my will to live, to go on. I want to. I want my dreams to come true. I want someone to read this and tell me it will be okay but I know it won’t happen. Anyways, there was a reason I was talking about my mental health, physical health, microeconomics, and my family, so here goes.

The first day in Micro, I had a panic attack because I couldn’t comprehend the word problems. I started shaking and panicking. After a few minutes of trying to graph the supply and demand curves and failing, I start to silently cry. I had to step out because I started going numb. (I have an aura before my seizures and this felt like it). I sat down outside and cried while trying to catch my breath. A woman stopped, asked if I was okay and I told her I was just having a hard time in Economics, that I was just trying to get my bindings, and she gave me a pep talk and hug. I went back in and at the end of class, spoke to the Professor and he said he’d help me. Today, walking into class, I immediately got tingling in my face, shaking in my hands, hard time breathing, but it was a little easier. My dad hasn’t called. I should expect as much.

My health is preventing so much of my life from being lived. The pain prevents me from actually doing the things I love; from excelling at the things I’m good at. Both my physical and mental states are seemingly deteriorating despite how hard I’m trying. I keep telling myself You’re trying, you’re doing your best, it’s okay. But it’s not. I’m seeing doctors and surgeons, I’m going to school to get a good job to save up and move out on my own and have my own life. But I don’t have a job right now. I can’t get one because if I divert any attention from this economics course and not pass, I lose my family again and permanently and I can’t have that...I can’t lose anyone else. So in the meantime, I’ve focused on my health, which makes my dad upset because I don’t a job to him back. I don’t have a job to pay for anything. “I just have to get through the next 5 weeks,” I say to myself, “Maybe he’ll love you more if you get you High School Diploma, maybe you be a failure to him.” I literally do not have a drivers license because the courts temporarily revoked it due to my seizures. I CANNOT DRIVE. BY LAW.  My ENTIRE FUTURE is in Automotive. No dealership will take me like this. This is all I’ve been working for. I’ve been watching all year as everything I’ve been working for gets taken from me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

People keep telling to me to get out of my “situation” but my “situation” is complicated...and unfair...and lonely. I don’t have support keeping me going. I have anger, resentment, contempt, and fake smiles and laughter from all sides. I feel like everyone is here to point fingers and wants to tell me what to do but hasn’t been in my situation or a situation similar. I cannot get an income, I cannot work without risking people that I love, so now I get to watch my dreams go further and further into the distance until it disappears. maybe I should just disappear.

I’ve been crying as I type up this whole dumb post. This whole thing is dumb. I’m  dumb. I don’t have friends, and if I do, and I introduce them to literally anyone else, they hang out with them and I’m left out permanently. I have to lie to myself and tell myself that I have friends. Does anyone know how sad that is? To be surrounded by people you know and know that none of them are really your friends? That you can’t just hit them up and hang out and talk and confide in them and have movie nights and go on adventures together.

I don’t have friends. I keep asking myself what I can do to fix this.  What am I doing wrong? Am I too loud? Too quiet? Do I talk too much? Do I get excited too easily? Do I not talk enough? Am I boring? What’s wrong with me that people always leave me? I’m told I’m “too much” almost everyday by someone who says they love me. Am I “too much”?  How do I fix me so I’m acceptable for love? Do I just not deserve it? Am I that undeserving?

I guess so.