#it has been on everyone's queer playlists since it came out

[secondbeatsongs]

"I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You" with every first beat removed

[nerdygaymormon]

Queer Gospel Music

This past year I came across several songs that I enjoy listening to on Sundays. I created a playlist for myself for Sundays and thought I'd share with y'all.

Yet : Ashley Hess - Ashley Hess was a finalist on the 2019 season of American Idol. I heard her perform this song at the Gather Conference where she introduced it by saying, "The next song that I'm gonna play is a song that I wrote in my lowest time. But it's a song that's so special to me because it was the moment that I felt like I finally came out of hiding, and that the Lord not only saw me, but loved me and embraced me." I can relate so much to that. Plus, I don't hear many songs from the perspective of "I'm trying, so God please don't give up on me."

God Loves Me Too : Brian Falduto - Brian played the gay kid in the movie School of Rock, and catapulted the character into an LGBTQ icon when he delivered the line “You’re tacky and I hate you.” Now as an adult, Brian is back and singing that no one has to earn God’s love. Brian wrote the song after visiting a church that was welcoming and accepting of queer people. I look around and see I’ve found a place where peace and love abound. I’ve waited my whole life for the truth. It is true, God loves you. It don’t matter if you’re LGBTQ

My Little Prayer : David Archuleta - David wasn't out yet when he recorded this, but I imagine he really related to some of these lyrics, such as I'm beginning to understand that you (God) have a plan for me.

The Queer Gospel : Erin McKeown - I love these lyrics. There are those who think we're wicked. There are those who call us names: depraved, lost and sick, and would rather bathe us in shame. But we put the "sin" in sincere, we put the "do" in the doubt. God is perfectly clear. We are perfectly out. Love us as we are. See us and we're holy. In this shall we ever be wholly ourselves.

Good Day (feat. Derek Webb) : Flamy Grant - Matthew Blake was a worship leader for 22 years who has become a “shame-slaying, hip-swaying, singing-songwriting drag queen” named Flamy Grant (it's a play on the name of gospel singer Amy Grant). The lyrics talk of coming back to church after having left for feeling oppressed. They’ve come back to church because despite what some say, God’s love is expansive enough for everyone. God made me good in every way, so I raise my voice to celebrate a good day. 

Believe : GENTRI - The pianist for this group is gay. After coming out, he was having a hard time with faith and was angry at God, and he felt God gave him this song as part of his healing process. Believe there is an answer. And while you feel you're buried deep in a disaster, believe more hands are waiting, ready to lift you up and carry you back to safety. You're not alone, keep holding on. And believe.

Explaining Jesus : Jordy Searcy - In 2014, Jordan was a contestant on The Voice. He grew up active in a church and since being on the television show he has written several religious songs, including this one. Jordy discusses the shortcomings of churches, comparing the ways in which church members act and interact with each other, including how they treat the gay community and oppress women. If you're gay and over 85, you've felt for your whole life that when God made you, he just messed up. In the chorus he apologizes that this has been the experience, I'm sorry no one explained Jesus to you.

Satan's Tears : Kyler O'Neal - Did anyone ask how real you are? Has anyone said that you are loved, or that you’re the one they’re dreaming of? Those questions start this beautiful song by trans woman Kyler O’Neal. The song addresses a young gender non-conforming person unaccepted by their world, and the singer promises to wipe away Satan’s tears which were created by a cruel society

Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Mary Lambert - Macklemore sings that his gay uncles should be allowed to marry, and speaks of how Christianity has hurt gay people. "God loves all his children" is somehow forgotten, but we paraphrase a book written thirty-five hundred years ago. The song concludes with Mary Lambert singing I’m not crying on Sundays, which I think means not letting religious intolerance and churches harm us anymore

No Place in Heaven : MIKA - Mika is singing about how religion teaches there’s no place in heaven for gay people because the way we love is sinful. Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in

God Is : The Outer Banks - I don't know that they had queer people in mind when they wrote the song, but the lyrics relate to the conflict between one’s queerness and relationship with God. God was never angry. God was not against me. God was never far away. God is not disappointed.

I Know it Hurts : Paul Cardall & Tyler Glenn - I just wanted to believe, but how am I supposed to believe this about me? And then we find each other, queer church members who can understand what we’re going through, who know the hurt. For most queer people, they leave church and go on a different path. They’re not lost, a faint light at the end is guiding their way, they’re finding another way back home.

Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - The song was interpreted as the struggle of a closeted gay man coming to terms with what his religion taught about gay people and is seen as an example of queer coding in the era of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Lead singer Michael Stipe had declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was coming out as gay. Consider this the hint of the century. Consider this the slip.

HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing. He is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in church for him because he’s gay. Holy Father, we need to talk. I have a secret that I can’t keep. I’m not the boy that you thought you wanted. Please don’t get angry, have faith in me.

Pray : Sam Smith - You won’t see Sam in church, but they say they’re a child of God at heart and are begging God to show the way. I’m not a saint, I’m more of a sinner. I don’t wanna lose, but I fear for the winners

Faith : Semler -  This song reached No. 1 on the iTunes Christian music chart and is about growing up queer in a faith community and how the rejection by the church left them scarred. When my religion turned against me, they said my hopes and dreams were faulty. I showed these holes inside my hands, and they claimed they couldn’t see.” Even as they struggled with the church, Semler kept a relationship with Jesus and flourished far more than she did in any church building. But I don’t wanna get small to be in those rooms

Hey Jesus : Trey Pearson - Trey made headlines in 2016 when as the lead singer of the Christian rock band Everyday Sunday, he came out as gay. Three years later and Trey has a question: Hey Jesus can you hear me now? It's been awhile since I came out, I was wonderin' do you love me the same? As a person who struggles to reconcile faith with sexual orientation, I find this song quite moving.

Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven? Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ+ protests throughout history.

Revelation : Troye Sivan and Jónsi -This song was written for the movie Boy Erased, which is about a young man being sent by his parents to a conversion therapy camp to try to change him to not be gay. The lyrics are about feeling liberated from the toxic teachings he learned at church about LGBTQ+ people. It’s a revelation. There’s no hell in what I’ve found, and no kingdom shout. How the tides are changing as you liberate me now and the walls come down. In other words, God doesn't condemn me for my queerness.

Orphans of God : Ty Herndon & Kristin Chenoweth feat. Paul Cardall - The message of the song is we are all loved by God, we are all thought about, we are all created equally and God loves us all the same.

Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittery jacket, which is such a powerful metaphor.

[feral-teeth]

This bed is on fire with passionate love

(it’s the best thing that you’ve ever had, the best thing that you’ve ever, ever had) 

by Arrow Valentine (feral_tooth on archiveofourown.org) for Arthur @tommybones

Link to fic on ao3

Spotify playlist for this fic

Pinterest board for this fic

Summary: Spencer likes Courtney. A lot. But he also really likes Tommy.

Rating: Mature No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M, Multi, Other Fandom: Smosh Relationship: Courtney Miller x Spencer Agnew x Tommy Bowe

Additional Tags: She/Her and They/Them Pronouns for Courtney Miller, Movie Night, Cuddling & Snuggling, Character Analysis, Neck Kissing, Sleepy Cuddles, Sleepy Kisses, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Nonbinary Character, Sexual Tension, Internalized Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Neurodiversity, Synesthesia, Kissing, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Polyamory, RPF

Read under the line <3

Spencer likes Courtney. 

A lot. 

But he also really likes Tommy. 

And that shouldn’t be allowed. 

At least that’s what society tells him time and time again. 

Not exactly directly to his face. 

But anything around it just feels… taboo. 

Growing up, Spencer never really understood why people would only date and marry one person at a time, cause it seemed so boring. 

He loves the idea of holding two others hands, and can’t imagine himself next to only one face when he goes down the aisle. 

What he saw on TV as a kid was always only two people in a relationship. 

Starting with a man and a woman. 

Then later in his life, when people became more open to the ‘lifestyle’, it turned into two people with any gender. 

But it was still two people. 

Like pillars. 

standing side by side.

Totally equal. 

Equally balanced.

It feels unbalanced to Spencer though.

He enjoyed the idea of having more when it came to the people in his relationships.

He also had a crush on basically everyone he met. 

Or whoever was hot. 

So how could he choose? 

Why did he have to choose? 

It felt unfair to him.

So now when he’s lying in bed with his friends Tommy and Courtney, all of them wrapped up in each other's arms, he shouldn’t be feeling this way. 

He should only want one of them. 

One part of him feels like what he was doing was wrong. 

That he had to choose one person. To send one away to the other room and continue doing what they were doing without the other.

But another part of him knew what they were doing was so right.

Lying there, hugging, felt so electric. He felt the most alive he had ever felt in a long time. It was like there was a constant electric current running through him, electricity shooting through his body and out of his fingers.

--

Spencer has always been extremely close friends with both Courtney and Tommy from the beginning of his time at Smosh. 

When the three of them were together, it was like something clicked into place. 

Like three lego pieces that were meant to be together. 

Spencer has always been quiet around others. But not when Courtney and Tommy were around.

Courtney brings him out of his shell, and encourages him to be more open with others. And to be more confident with himself and his talents and strengths.

With Tommy however, Spencer becomes the loudest one in the room. Tommy just has that effect on him. But Tommy is always watching and listening with open ears, smiling at Spencer’s dumb rants and vulgar jokes. 

When Spencer became the director of the Smosh Games channel, it was Tommy and Courtney that he told first. They both immediately cheered, Courtney and Tommy squealing, squeezing him into a big bear hug as they spun him around in the air. 

Ever since that hug, being so close to the both of them, a spark grew in Spencer’s stomach.

And no matter how hard he tried to blow out the flame or stifle it, it just got brighter and louder.

No matter how hard he tried.

He had always been attracted to Courtney and Tommy respectively.

Courtney is so encouraging and personable with others, with an amazing style and personality to match. 

Tommy with his witty, quick and dark personality. He has a shyness to him that Spencer finds charming. Spencer would always make jokes to try and see that part of him for a split second. 

Courtney and Tommy were also both so hot.

It didn't help working with them and hanging out with them almost every week to stifle those thoughts.

Those thoughts of possibly. 

Those thoughts that maybe he was attracted to both of them? Starting to swarm. 

But then so did the guilt. 

And the shame that stabbed him in the back of his mind for wanting both of them when the world pushed for him to only choose one of them.

Sure, he’s had crushes on people at the same time. But there was never anyone who he wanted to step into something more with like Courtney and Tommy. 

They had also mostly been celebrities he had multiple crushes on at the same time, but he felt like that didn’t really count. 

Not really. 

But oh god did he want both of them. 

This type of cuddling feels different for Spencer. It felt like there was more tension in the air. 

It was also going on for a really, really long time. 

Before this, Spencer, Courtney and Tommy were all watching a movie on the couch. But they decided to move to the bed since it was starting to get dark outside and they wanted to be more comfortable. 

As soon as the movie was set up and they sat on the bed, they all immediately gravitated towards each other like magnets.

--

Spencer and Courtney were always close. Especially Courtney, with the way they would always be touching an arm or a leg when she would talk to him. 

But Tommy usually was more reserved with his hands in public. Keeping them close to his body when he was at the office. Looking over his shoulder before resting his palm on Spencer’s arm.

Feeling like he would get caught somehow if he was too handsy with him.

Maybe it’s the gay guilt embedded into his skin from the beginning. 

To not get too close to someone of the same gender in public. 

Just in case. 

Spencer was also a bit more reserved with touching others.

But he was happy to cop a feel at Tommy’s arm when the cast ever mentioned him working out. Enjoying the feeling of his strong muscles against his hand. 

Tommy was in fact, getting stronger. And Spencer noticed how strong Tommy was getting over the past couple of months.

Even if he was shy about it, Tommy was looking even better than before. So much more fit. And, to Spencer’s delight, and in his own words, so much more tastier than before. 

Tommy also had a boyfriend before, so he always felt off limits to Spencer. Like he was safe from his feelings developing into something more because it couldn't go anywhere. 

It felt safer to Spencer when Tommy and his boyfriend were in what Spencer knew was a monogamous relationship. 

But then Tommy and his boyfriend broke up. 

And when Spencer heard the news, his ears couldn’t help but perk up. 

He couldn’t stop his thoughts from swirling about how nice Tommy would look in his bed. 

--

After Tommy and his boyfriend broke up, Spencer immediately became the support system for Tommy.

Spencer told himself it wasn't just an excuse to get closer to him. 

But he couldn't erase his what if thoughts. 

Spencer especially couldn't erase the thoughts of Tommy’s lips. And what they must taste like.

Since Spencer hadn’t filled the role of supportive best friend for his crush during a breakup before, it was new to him. But he liked the feeling of being a shoulder to lean on when Tommy needed. 

He finally started allowing himself to get closer to Tommy. To feel his muscles, to flirt with him on and off camera whenever he could. It was worth it to get closer to the man that he craved so desperately. 

He played them off as jokes, but he always blushed after saying them. 

--

On the other hand, Spencer also got closer with Courtney when they came out to him as nonbinary. 

He already knew that Courtney was pansexual, so Spencer was immediately supportive.

Spencer was a part of the queer community, sure, but he also felt like he was on the outskirts of it. His interests and his wants for more in his relationships were placed outside of the social norm, even for the group of outcasts.  

No matter how far away Spencer felt from this so-called fully accepting community, He still knew how to support his friend and knew the lingo for what they were going through. 

He made sure to do more research, though, as he wanted to be more supportive to the best of his ability. 

He even drove Courtney to a gender therapist so that she could explore their gender identity and expression, and to talk more about the gender dysphoria they were dealing with. Spencer enjoyed helping Courtney out with anything she needed. He wanted to be as supportive as he could be for his other best friend. 

Tommy was also immediately supportive when Courtney came out as nonbinary.

Both Spencer and Tommy made sure to use their pronouns right away, and they even threw a small party when she came out to more people around the office and to their friends. 

They were already such a close-knit group. 

--

They were now lying on the bed, backs on the headboard, slipping down into a more comfortable position. Their eyes were glued forward to the TV as Jurassic Park was playing. 

It was probably the third time Spencer watched Jurassic Park this week. 

His response to any ridicule is that it was his comfort movie. 

Both Tommy and Courtney found that endearing and valid as they both dabbled in being neurodivergent, and both had their own respective shows and movies that were on repeat when they needed some kind of comfort in their life. So they never judged him.

Giant dinosaurs were taking up the entirety of the screen while the three comparatively tiny actors stood and gazed up at them in awe in their bisexual-coded outfits. 

“That’s us!” Courtney giggles into Spencer’s shoulder, pointing and mimicking the amazed look the characters held on their faces. Tommy and Spencer caught onto the bit right away, making the same face as each character on the screen and joking together about it.

Tommy laughs into his hand, falling into Spencer while they all have a giggling fit over the truth in her words.

It really was them.

After the fit of giggles fade, they all focus their attention back on the movie. They all felt a warm glowing ball of light that was growing in the pit of each of their stomachs. All three of their lights were mixing together, glowing brightly together, warming up the room and them in the process. 

For once, Spencer isn't paying attention while watching his favorite comfort movie. He couldn't stop thinking about the two stunning people who he called best friends that were in his arms.

It was like magic. It finally hits Spencer who he's with and the situation they're all in, wrapped up in each other's arms in bed. 

Spencer finally realized how safe and accepted he finally felt, and he truly found people that understood him. 

He glows even brighter. The warmth glows so brightly that it warms Courtney and Tommy. They were feeling it too.

Spencer leans back against the headboard, sighing in contentment as Tommy and Courtney cuddle back into him. Tommy lies to his right, but as on top of him as he can be without squishing him. Tommy’s arms and legs lay over on top of Spencer, wrapping his body closer towards him. And Courtney does the same.

The movie is long forgotten and is just a distant memory after the credits rolled and a blank screen sits on the tv.

They were too busy to turn it off. Arms were being rubbed, the softest nuzzle, and a sigh from Courtney into Spencer’s ear made him blush. Not to mention the fact that Spencer noticed Tommy’s fingertips rubbing circles on his back, giving him goosebumps and chills along his spine. 

The tension was growing. The whole group could feel it. 

Courtney nuzzles into Spencer’s neck, lightly grazing her lips over his neck.

Tommy followed suit, kissing the other side of his neck. 

Spencer couldn’t help but giggle at the feeling, ticklish. 

The warmth that was growing within him was something he had never felt before. The nerves in his neck were tingling, flowing all the way down his back. 

“Is that ok?” Courtney whispered into Spencer’s ear, concerned. 

Spencer leans back on his elbows and moves his head slightly to look at Courtney, a soft smile on his face. 

He noticed she was furrowing her brow, a worried look in her eye. Worried that she had stepped over a line. But she also had a glaze over her eyes and a soft smile on her lips. 

He nodded, looking to Tommy to see his reaction. Tommy smiled at him, a dazed look in his eye. Smiling and giddy. 

They all looked like we were drunk, dazed and content with each other. With messy hair and soft smiles. It was like where they were felt right.

Like they were on a whole other planet, floating in space with just the three of them together, and they could watch movies all day in bed together if they wanted to.

Tommy leaned down and kissed Spencer. Softly, tentatively, as this was the first kiss between them.

His kiss felt like soda pop fizzing in Spencer’s skull. 

It reminded him of a hot summer's day. Popsicles dripping onto his tongue and onto the sidewalk. He was a relief from the heat, like a refreshing glass of lemonade.

Spencer’s brain bubbled, the sensation catching him off guard as he had never felt it before. 

He fell into the kiss, seeing sparkles and warm colors moving like blobs of paint being traced with a paintbrush behind his eyes. Like soft ghosts of light were having a dance party. 

Tommy’s lips were soft, but still rough from the dry air and the coldness of what LA can give. Tommy’s mustache and beard scratched against Spencer’s skin lightly, as if it was a group of tiny little hands that wanted to get closer to his face. Their stubble rubbed against each other, causing friction that heat up their faces. 

Courtney kissed and nipped at the skin on Spencer’s neck after a while of watching. Grazing her lips along his stubble, the rough sensation tickled their lips.

Both of their lips on him radiated through Spencer’s body, sending waves of shivers through him.

After Spencer was satisfied, and taking a long time to taste Tommy’s lips to the full extent that he could eagerly, he wanted to taste Courtney. He was craving her lips. 

Spencer leaned down towards them. Courtney awkwardly shuffles up with a laugh that broke the tension a bit as they waited for Courtney to meet Spencer’s lips for the first time.

When she finally did, it was like fireworks. He literally saw fireworks behind his eyes. Bright flashes of strong, bold colours were dancing behind his eyes, pulsating and moving as if it were the perfect symphony and choreographed for him.

It was different than kissing Tommy, but equally as delicious and sweet. 

They tasted different. Both delicious in their respective tastes.

Tommy had a deeper musky flavour to Spencer. He tasted like the coffee he just drank and dark chocolate.

Courtney tasted sweeter than Tommy. She tasted warm, with a hint of cotton candy. They also tasted like apples and cinnamon, the oatmeal she decided to eat for her midnight snack.

They both tasted so good to Spencer. 

But he liked the taste of them mixed together best.

“You taste so good” Courtney murmurs between their long, stretched out kisses that stretch like toffee. 

“Fuck, You’re so hot,” Spencer moans into Courtney’s mouth, leaning back over to kiss Tommy again, feeling new and different sensations than his first kiss with him. “And you’re so hot�� Spencer mumbles into Tommy’s mouth. Kissing Tommy harder than before, he was inspired by their words to be more confident. 

Tommy moans into the kiss between them, too caught up in the feeling to really say anything coherent, but sounded enough like what he just said to feel satisfied.

He felt so comfortable kissing them. Like this was what they were meant to be doing the entire time

They were all a blur of soft touches, first time kisses and tentative movements that got more fluid as they went along. 

It became more sloppy, more lazy, as they started to enjoy the feeling and cared less about their inhibitions. 

It also got more rough, but it never went away from them. They were all in the moment, still there but also a million miles away in pleasure.

The most important thing is that Spencer had never felt more right in the moment than he ever had before. 

He’s had partners in the past, sure, but there was always something missing, like there could always be something more.

He didn’t want to, but inevitably he always ended up breaking up with them because there was always something off about the relationship. But he could never quite put his finger on it. 

He always made the excuse as the other not being the right person for him. 

And now he knew why.

Because there was always someone else missing.

And as they slowly stopped kissing, breathless with beet red faces and panting from the intensity of it all, they unanimously decided that they were going to wait to doing something more.

This was all so new to the three of them, so they were definitely going to talk more about it in the morning. 

But for now, they were too spent. They were making new paths in their lives, afterall.

So they cuddled closer and settled into the comfortable silence.

With Spencer wedged between his two best friends, he was the most content he had been in a long time.

Maybe even in his whole life. 

He also felt excited to see what was next for the three of them. 

And Courtney and Tommy were too. 

Courtney and Tommy felt like the last two puzzle pieces in the empty spaces in his heart. And then when he finally found them, they fit just right.

[camlannpod]

Character Playlist: Gwaine Turner

You can find character playlists for Dai, Morgan, Perry and Gwen already posted on our blog (and at the links on their names here).

The last of our main character playlists! Episode 5 is Gwaine's episode, of course. Let's get to know him a little better.

First Class by Rainbow Kitten Surprise

I say I'll be damned if we can make it out of this alive But is this what you want? What you wanted? Do you need love? Am I enough for you? In time you'll find I've got my baggage too

A lot of Gwaine's story is about the tension he feels between what other people expect of him and who he actually is. The Knights want him to be one version of himself, in the way that the rugby team and his friends at university did. Dai wants to be a different version - but the version Dai wants is one which surrenders everything from the other side. Gwaine is caught between all these people who think he's beautiful, who want him and want to use him, and very few of them remember that he too is just a man who's as traumatised and grieving as everyone else is.

2. The Quittin' Kind by Eleisha Eagle

There's a corner you painted yourself in I'm not sure what was your intention Now you're trapped alone on an island And you can't swim, no you can't swim

Gwaine left Dai, Morgan and Perry in the middle of the night in the haunted wilds of Bannau Brycheiniog after they made their escape from the Knights. He stole half their supplies to make it back and he didn't leave a note, knowing they'd assume he'd been killed by something in the night. Obviously, this wasn't a great thing to do to them - especially to Dai. But as we learn in the series, Gwaine did it because he was being pulled back by Arthur's song. And when he got back, he realised he was no longer the only popular jock in the one small group of queer weirdos who understood him. He was alone.

3. Look Alive by Guster

The sun came up The world began to shake Fault lines exposing All my own mistakes If I could do anything Then this wouldn't be happening It's been a long time Since I've felt courageous

Gwaine is extremely frustrated with his own conflict between wanting to be comfortable with his sexuality and also wanting to be everything that everyone wants him to be. He knows that the popular, charismatic man who was drowning in friends before the Cataclysm was not a man that anyone wanted to be bisexual, so he just pretended he wasn't. He was 'straight-passing' (I hate this phrase, it's a core part of Gwaine's character arc), and he hid. And he hates that he hid.

4. Scared of the Dark by Lil Wayne, Ty Dolla $ign, XXXTENTACION

I ain't never scared and I ain't never horrified I just look down at my Rolex, it said it's the darkest times I ain't never terrified, I ain't never petrified You know I see dead people, I just tell 'em, "Get a life"

After the Cataclysm, Gwaine has an even bigger reason to be nervous about opening up about his sexuality to the Knights given their general bigotries. But he also, like Perry, has a job to do. He's a Knight. He protects people. He's the person who rides out alone in the night to go fight the monster everyone else is scared of. Before he left, he took half of the protection duties from Perry for looking after Dai and Morgan. And with the Knights, he's one of a band of brothers protecting what they're pretty sure are the last few hundred people left alive in the UK. So every day, he gets up, and he faces the monsters, because someone has to.

5. Growing Pains by Layup

I walk this world with broken toes From my missteps and told you so's I learned my way, breaking every bone Now I see all these aches will make you grow And every fall has a rise, every burn has a flame From foolish to wise, we all bruise the same

Slowly but surely, left alone with very little decent company among the Knights and no one who really understands him, eating himself alive with worry about what's happened to Dai whilst also begrudgingly reassuring himself that Perry would never let anything happen to him, Gwaine has a lot of time to think, and grow. He starts to get a bit of clarity about the man he wants to be, and starts to learn from his mistakes. He decides to stand up to the men who've backed him into this corner, and for the first time in his life, be something other than what everyone wants him to be. Himself.

6. To the Desert by Branches

I came out to the desert To find what I lost in your eyes I filled my lungs with the sunset And walked out into the night

Gwaine leaves the Knights for Dai. That's not a lie. He wasn't sure whether Dai was even alive before he found him on the radio, but he'd decided months or years walking through the wilderness looking for the love of his life was better than merry bullying in Camelot. He walked into the wasteland.

7. Our Kingdom by Hugo Barriol

If you choose the red, and I choose the blue We can share the green, we can share the green When I've lost my words, looking at you I didn't know your name, I didn't know you could- Change what I see Change the way I feel I was far away from me I wasn't listening

Gwaine knew he was attracted to men before he met Dai - he'd messed around with a couple of people in various ways. He did not know that he could love men before he met Dai, and it's part of why Dai is so important to him. For Gwaine, the nights spent staying up til 3am playing video games were just as important as the drunk hookups he pretended didn't happen. Dai never really realised just how much he meant to Gwaine - he always assumed he was just a passing fancy to him.

8. Gawain by The Trials of Cato

In crashing blows there is no game But when the Emerald Knight begins again I risk my life to make my name

Our Gwaine is determined not to be remembered as a coward. He doesn't want to be cruel, and he doesn't want to hide from who he is or his love of Dai. He's entranced and enchanted by the story, which pulls him in, playing on these tendrils of his desperation for acceptance and catharsis. He so badly wants to prove that he's brave enough to be worthy of a man like Dai. It's an easy opening to exploit.

9. Blood Upon the Snow by Hozier, Bear McCreary

It's not my arms that will fail me But this world takes more strength than it gave me The trees deny themselves nothing that makes them grow No rain fall, no sunshine No blood upon the snow

You get it.

[thelaurenshippen]

this month's mixtape is for Tex Bullock, one of the protagonists of my queer outlaw western (currently drafting). if you subscribe to my newsletter (linked in the previous sentence), then you'll have already read these, but for everyone else, my notes:

This playlist has been public on my Spotify for a while, but I don't think I've ever shared notes for it. Hell, I'm not sure I'd ever written notes for it, though I feel like I must have somewhere, at some point. But, anyway, to catch you up if you're new: Desperate Hollow is my currently unpublished queer outlaw romance. Tex Bullock and Sawyer Watson grow up in a gang together before Sawyer shoots Tex and leaves him for dead. Seven years later, they end up in the same dead-end town and have to deal with everything they've never said. 

The book goes back and forth between their perspectives - and in past/present - but we begin with Tex's perspective, so I thought we'd start with him in the playlists first. Like last month's main story playlist, I made this playlist 1000 years ago and I've found so many songs since that would fit it so much better. But I've kept the original three playlists the same because, even though the characters have become more fleshed out, they've largely stayed the same at their core. 

Tex is the classic Wild West outlaw - he's brash but charming, flirtatious and deadly, roguishly scarred and just the perfect amount of mysterious. And all of that is a carefully constructed persona that he's worked hard to cultivate. In reality, he's gentle with horses, loves a good novel, would happily cuddle Sawyer for hours at a time, and wants so desperately to be loved. He's a murderer, he isn't a good person, but he's a loyal one and very often kind. And he's been in love with Sawyer since he was a teenager. He can forgive Sawyer for shooting him - it's being left that cuts deep. 

1. "The Hell of It Is" - Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen

Yes, this is from the TV show "Nashville". I loved that show. I'm the only person who watched that show. The music slapped. It's all over tons of my playlists (I think the oldest Nashville add to one of playlists was on a Sam/Mark ship mix (if you're a plus pal, it's this one)). This particular set of characters were meant to be a kind of The Civil Wars rip-off and I love how love/hate their lyrics often are. 

The hell of it is/I love you even when I don't - I meannnnnnnn

I'd rather live with my mistakes/Honey say you'll do the same - in the beginning of the story, Tex has been torn between anger and love for seven years. He doesn't forgive Sawyer for leaving him for dead, but at the same time, he'd do anything to have the opportunity to forgive him. He'd rather live with Sawyer and their mistakes than not. 

2. "John Wayne" - Lady Gaga

This song just sounds like Tex to me. In your face, swaggering, a little sexy. Tex is a construct of his own making, an exaggeration of Wild West masculine violence like John Wayne. 

I crave a real wild man/I'm strung out on John Wayne - this is Tex  about himself. He doesn't want a wild man as a partner, he wants to be the wild man. And he needs to be a little enamored with himself in order to keep the construct alive. 

3. "Dress" - Charlotte Sands

This song is the reason the Desperate Hollow novel exists. It came up on one of my discovery playlists and that chorus - Love the way you wear that dress/Making everyone upset/Burning that cigarette boy/Swear to God, I confess, boy - just had me immediately thinking of Tex and Sawyer and the idea of Tex seeing Sawyer goofing off in a dress and being like "oh shit Something is happening". At the time, I was working on the story as a podcast taking place entirely in the present day, so I wrote a little drabble from their years in the gang as an exercise - Tex and Sawyer and the other men going through a haul they'd pulled, all of them trying on various fancy clothes. Sawyer throws on one of the dresses and is laughing and dancing, carefree for the first time since Tex has met him, and Tex is immediately in hell. 

Look so good I'm annoyed - this was the building block for the scene I wrote. Tex is really confronting his attraction to Sawyer for the first time and because, at this point, they do not get along, he's just annoyed by it. It's inconvenient that Sawyer is so smart and capable and also hot. 

So, anyway, I wrote that scene, kept working on the podcast and then...kept thinking about that scene, and how fun it was to write a flashback. And here we are, five years later, and I've got a 150k word novel that cuts between flashback and present day. 

You're so masculine/Taste like cherry cola - the juxtaposition of masculine and feminine in this song is so good and there's nothing inherently about cherry cola, but because of the cherry chapstick in "I Kissed a Girl", my mind just immediately went to that place. 

4. "I Will Never Die" - Delta Rae

There's an unmade playlist in my head that's "songs to crawl out of your grave to" and this is absolutely one of them. Tex is riddled with scars and has escaped death more times than anyone he knows and he just refuses to die. And even though "Dress" is a lot more pop-y, this song is more in line with the aesthetic.

5. "Bad" - Royal Deluxe

Another great little bit of outlaw rock from Royal Deluxe. This is very straightforward as a choice for Tex, but I'm bad, as bad can be/So bad that it's hard to believe/Oh, what they say about me is particularly good for the fact that Tex is all about the narrative of his own legend. 

6. "Raise Hell" - Dorothy

Another extremely self-explanatory one! This is pure vibes. Tex was raised to raise hell, and I'm always going to be a sucker for any talk of sinners in songs of this genre. 

7. "Slow Burn" - Kacey Musgraves

The flow of this whole playlist is not my best work, and we really take a hard turn into love songs here. But if I had to justify my own shitty construction, I would say that it mimics how Tex feels about Sawyer - it's total whiplash all the time. 

This song is so perfect for walking someone home at the end of a date, when there's a nice breeze and the sun is setting. It's the perfect song for falling into the initial infatuation - not love, but the knowledge that maybe, someday, it could grow into that. Tex hasn't had a lot of that kind of softness in his life, but he wants it desperately, and he and Sawyer did have moments that were like that that he holds as precious memories. 

8. "Love Story" - Sarah Cothran

This was originally the last song on this playlist, but I moved things around the more that "Night Shift" became theTex song. 

It's sad-dark Taylor Swift. Like the previous song, this is feeding into Tex's fantasies about what love could be like if he didn't live the way he did and didn't have blood on his hands. Sawyer has always been the storybook prince to him, and it's Tex who doesn't make a good princess (in his mind). 

9. "Night Shift" - Lucy Dacus*

This song makes me so catshit bananas. I could copy down every single lyric. The first time I tasted somebody else's spit/I had a coughing fit is one of my favorite opening lyrics of all time. The whole metaphor of the night shift. The tension between forgiveness and desire. Breakup song of all time!!!

Genuinely, there's so much about this song that is perfect for Tex. The first time I heard the song (which I believe was sent to me by a listener), I was bowled over, because I'd been thinking about the fact that Tex almost certainly pretended he was kissing Sawyer the first time he kissed someone. I was let down, it wasn't the same just kiiiiiills me. That's it exactly! 

And then, the night shift stuff. You've got a 9 to 5/so I'll take the night shift/And I'll never see you again/if I can help it - there's a whole thing in the book about Sawyer as the sun and Tex as the moon, so this really sends me off the deep end. 

In five years I hope these songs feel like covers/dedicated to new lovers - Tex is this way about his own legend and the narrative of his life. After he's shot, Sawyer isn't in his life anymore, so surely Sawyer can't be part of who he is anymore. Except you can't really ever untangle yourself from the people who shaped you and, no matter how much he tries, everything always reminds Tex of Sawyer. 

Don't hold your breath/forget you ever saw me at my best - Sawyer was the only one who really saw Tex's softer side and now that they're apart, Tex would give anything to remove that information from Sawyer's mind. 

Can't lose what you never had - a common sentiment, but one that punches me in the chest when it comes to Tex and Sawyer! 

Am I a masochist, resisting urges to punch you in the teeth...What was the plan? Absolve your guilt and shake hands/I feel no need to forgive but I might as well/But let me kiss your lips so I know how it felt - I'm walking into the ocean. The way that Lucy Dacus puts these different physical acts in the context of forgiveness - not punching you is hurting me, if we shook hands and parted would you feel absolved, would kissing you feel like forgiving you....Lucy, I am in your walls!!!   

p.s.if you want more queer outlaw ramblings, I've got a whole tumblr tag for it! 

[tracybirds]

HEYOO 16 and 17 with Scott / Virgil??

As you wish <3333 Thank you!

16. The queer media they'd obsess over

Scott: While not technically queer media, I can totally see Scott watching things like Top Gun and M*A*S*H and just being like.... these things are queer bc i am queer and i say they are queer and i'm sorry were we watching the same screen?

Virgil: Sense8!!! I haven't rewatched this since it first came out so the details are shaky but I think he'd enjoy it :) The kind of thing that's totally overt in being queer and doesn't shy away from it at all but also has a mind bending scifi-action plot and examines queerness and worldview and politics and all that jazz on a more philosophical level while also holding up this ideal of people can love so deeply and in so many ways and yeah :D

17. A queer artist they'd listen to

Scott: Listen to me. L I S T E N to me. Scott is a secret MIKA stan and it's only secret because he's a little insecure about liking pop music because he's 16 and imperfect and one day Gordon discovers MIKA and basically becomes a MIKA evangelist and it annoys Scott SO MUCH because this is HIS thing and YES actually Gordon he DOES know this song and eventually he snaps and it all comes out and Virgil's like ??? none of us would have cared about you liking pop? and Scott's just all *mumble mumble* embarrassed lol bc self-conscious teenager ahaha anyway, everyone should listen to MIKA <3

Virgil: I love the idea of him listening to queer jazz musicians!! I saw @firstonthescene suggest this for Scott (and I agree!) but if feels very right for Virgil as well :D Of course, I also think Virgil listens to all kinds of music, from all kinds of people playing all kinds of genres from all over the world! It fits him well imo <3 I don't know much about jazz outside of like Count Basie and Louis Armstrong and that sort of thing although I do enjoy it! I will say though that although there have always been queer people involved in jazz, it doesn't seem to be the genre that really made a movement out of it, not like other genres have in more recent history, and I think to suggest it was some safe haven for queer musicians would be fairly revisionist. There'd have been pockets that were safe and more open, and other spaces where being closeted would have been the only option and how could you ever tell who was closeted vs who was straight and pinning down identities of people now dead for the sake of queerness doesn't seem to be Virgil's style to me. However, I do think that he'd make an effort to diversify his playlists in as many ways as he could because it gives him an opportunity to explore new ideas and perspectives and I think he'd really enjoy that. Anyway all this to say I don't have a real answer lol. I think he'd enjoy everything from Mozart to Elton John and everything on the spectrum between them and beyond :P

[howstrangethingshappen]

Mike Opening Up to Will: A Realisation

Okay. Holy fucking shit. I just realised this about what Mike was saying to Will in the van, before Will used El as a buffer for his own feelings.

We all know that the "I don't believe it," line is significant. But you know what else is significant? This one: "...and one day, she's gonna realise that I'm just some random nerd that got lucky that Superman landed on his doorstep."

Superman.

Not Superwoman.

Superman.

Since Mike was speaking about his girlfriend in this scenario, it would have been easy for him to say Superwoman instead of Superman. Mike also references Lois Lane, another character in the Superman series: "At least Lois Lane is an ace reporter for the Daily Planet, right?" Lois and Clark, Superman's civilian identity, were both journalists: they were equal to each other. In this, he is expressing how he feels an imbalance between him and Eleven: he is not her equal, and he knows it.

Lois and Superman/Clark have been in a love triangle for a very long time: Superman's civilian self, Clark Kent, was in love with Lois. However, Lois was in love with Superman, his superhero identity. What does this say about Mike and Eleven's relationship? El's 'civilian self,' the version of her without her powers, is in love with Mike. However, Mike is in love with the version of El with her powers. He is in love with the idea of her, not who she actually is.

So how does all this relate to what Mike is actually saying to Will in this scene?

The main thing to remember is that Mike says the Superman line before the Lois Lane line. Why would seemingly straight Michael Wheeler reference a male superhero in that first sentence, when he is specifically speaking about his girlfriend? Why would he say Superman instead of Superwoman?

Because this is the first time Mike Wheeler is indirectly expressing his queerness outside of himself.

We have seen so many signs that Mike is queer in the background of this show: the endless framing in closets in regards to El (I'm going to talk about that in another post!), the sign in his bedroom saying "One Way," pointing to his closet; the song Smalltown Boy being the first one on his official Spotify playlist, & the song being about a young gay man being forced to leave his home because of ostracisation and bullying.

And with this line, it is the first time we see Mike acknowledge it.

In the same way Will proceeded to use El as a buffer to talk about his queerness, Mike used Superman as a buffer to talk about his. And not only that, he does the same thing again, but using El as a buffer this time, in his 'confession of love' (which I will also be talking about in another post). With him using the word Superman instead of Superwoman, he is outwardly expressing his own attraction to the same sex, even if it is in an indirect way.

The second line, expressing how, "...at least Lois Lane was Superman's equal," he is expressing to Will how he feels inadequate compared to her, not just because of the quite literal power imbalance, but because even his feelings are not equal to hers: he does not feel the same way she does about him. This is a queer, closeted boy, forcing himself into heteronormativity, and slowly killing himself whilst doing it.

But the most important question of all to ask is: why does Mike tell Will this? Why does he not just keep it to himself the same way Will has for years?

There was an obvious breakage in his and Will's bond as soon as he got together with Eleven: he neglected Will in favour of his girlfriend. Yet, even as he did, there were still moments where he showed just how much he cares about Will: riding after him in a thunderstorm to apologise about their fight. Never giving up when he went missing. Repairing his and Will's bond by showing just how much he's missed him.

And with that reparation came a familiar trust, the kind you can only have with your best friend. Mike and Will have always been the closest in the party out of everyone. Of course Mike would indirectly express his queerness to Will. He trusts him, and he loves him. Of course.

And then we see Will open up to Mike about his queerness. Mike's opening up causes Will to open up. And even though Mike may be 'pretty clueless' about Will's feelings for him (especially since he is literally the glue holding him and El together), he sure is not clueless about his own feelings for Will.

That's why he said what he said, and why he said it in that order. He expressed his queerness, and then his inadequacy with Eleven, because for him, being queer is so much more important than his crumbling heteronormative relationship. It is part of who he is. And with those lines, he finally got to express it.

♡

[salvatoreschool]

Kaylee Bryant On "Legacies," The Importance Of Queer Rep On TV, Hosie, And More

"I have so many people constantly telling me that watching Josie on the show has made them feel more comfortable in themselves."

This week, Kaylee Bryant squeezed us into her schedule to talk about their role as Josie Saltzman on Legacies. As a huge Josie fan, I couldn't think of a better way to spend a morning than talking to Kaylee about The Vampire Diaries, Hosie, our favorite books, and more! Here's everything we talked about:

1. What was your audition for Legacies like?

My audition process was very interesting because they kept a lot of it a secret. I had no script and a fake character name. And then I had my second audition, a chemistry read, which Jenny Boyd [Lizzie] wasn't even at. I walked in and immediately just flat-out asked, "This is for the twins, right?" So it was long, but short and intense at the same time.

BuzzFeed: Wait, did you know which twin you were going to be playing?

I initially auditioned for Josie, and then during chemistry reads, they started asking me to read for Lizzie. And then we had our final callback where I finally met Jenny and we both read for both roles. They never told us [who was playing who] until Jenny had her appointment to go dye her hair blonde.

2. What's a typical day on set like?

Gosh, it changes every time. If it's a busy day on set, we're talking like 8 a.m. call time where we spend about two hours on hair and makeup and go straight into rehearsals. If it's a big sort of episode that involves stunt work and wire work, you're talking about doing maybe two scenes in a day. But if it's an average day, we can do anywhere from three to five scenes and we can start at 8 a.m. and wrap at 8 p.m. It really depends. I'm surprised if I'm not surprised.

3. You’ve said you’re a huge fan of The Vampire Diaries. Josie played Elena in the musical episode — what was that like?

It was surreal for sure. They had talked a little bit about doing a musical episode since Season 1. And I always thought that they were joking when they talked about doing Salvatore: The Musical!, so when they said Josie would obviously play Elena, I was like, "Hahaha." And then I got the script and realized I actually was playing Elena. The musical aspect of it was the easy part. The difficult part was, I think, getting into the iconic Elena attire and trying to feel normal. Because we have a lot of crew members that worked on The Vampire Diaries, and they kept coming up to me being like, "This is weird. I feel weird."

4. Do you have a favorite scene you’ve filmed with Courtney Bandeko (Finch) this season?

I really did love the scene that we had in the town square [when] we got on a moped. There were so many fans in the town square that were huddled in the rain — it was pouring rain, freezing cold — trying to snap photos of us. And it was kind of one of those surreal moments where it felt full circle, that I was on a Vampire Diaries spinoff in town square. It was a lot going on, but it was a lot of fun. It's always fun working with Courtney.

5. You and Danielle Rose Russell (Hope) also have amazing chemistry — what’s your favorite scene you’ve filmed together?

Oh gosh, we have a lot that are pretty amazing. Honestly, I'd say [Season 3] Episode 14 — we finally got to do a lot more scenes together. And it's always fun, especially when it's Josie, Lizzie, and Hope, because we have so much history character-wise. Any time you really get to dive into that, we love it.

6. I know Josie and Finch are working through some things right now, but I gotta ask — how do you feel about Hosie?

I love it. Danielle and I loved the idea of Hosie starting from Season 1, and we kept asking and asking and asking for it. So it's kind of funny and full circle that now the fans have kind of taken our side with things, and now they won't stop asking for it. All we want is this beautiful, dynamic relationship. And I think that the fans want that as well.

BuzzFeed: Yeah, I mean, people have even been asking me about Hosie, and I don't work on the show!

Oh, I'm sure! [Laughs] Obviously I love it, though.

7. Is there a particular Josie moment you’re really proud of?

Josie has a scene coming up in Episode 18 — or 19? — I don't know, but it's good. It's sort of the pinnacle of everything that Josie has felt over the past three years kind of culminating into one moment. So, I'm excited for people to see it.

8. You recently came out as queer. How has playing Josie, who’s pansexual, impacted you personally?

I felt a lot of pressure when I initially booked Josie because I was still figuring out who I was and what my label was. And playing a character who was so comfortable in who she was, it was inspiring [to me] in a way that I think a lot of other people watching the show have been inspired. I have so many people constantly telling me that watching Josie on the show has made them feel more comfortable in themselves. It's kind of amazing that we all have the same experience in that having queer representation makes you more comfortable.

9. You’ve been vocal about your Asian identity, and your character has spoken Japanese on the show. Did you have a hand in incorporating that into Josie’s character?

No, not at all! So, I spoke Japanese a few times on the [Instagram] Live and one of our writers, Penny Cox, saw me speaking Japanese and immediately went to Brett [Matthews] and was like, "We need to make this happen somehow." And then all of a sudden, I had a script in my hands. So it was a surprise, but a fun one.

BuzzFeed: Are you fluent in Japanese?

Gosh, no! I'm barely fluent in English. [Laughs] I would say I speak at the level of maybe a second-grader on a good day, though.

10. If you could pitch any storyline for Josie, what would it be?

I always joke that I want an episode that takes place overnight. That way, we all have to be wearing pajamas the entire episode. I just want to wear some comfy clothes for a whole two weeks, that's my main goal. So we can have a pajama episode, that's my pitch.

11. What's it like getting into character for Dark Josie scenes?

It's different in the sense that I know Josie so well. And knowing Josie in turn makes me understand Dark Josie. I have a whole different playlist of music that I listen to for Dark Josie — and I have the wig, which helps a lot with getting into character.

BuzzFeed: Well, now I have to ask what music is on that playlist!

I think "Bury a Friend" by Billie Eilish is a great one for Dark Josie. Also, "Villain" by K/DA is a prime example of a perfect song for Dark Josie, so I listen to that one as well.

12. What's your go-to Starbucks order?

Plain black iced Americano. Aria [Shahghasemi, who plays Landon] says I drink coffee like a sociopath. [Laughs]

13. What TV show are you currently binging?

I just finished watching Alice in Borderland, which is a Japanese show on Netflix. And I know Feel Good Season 2 just came out, so I think that's my next binge.

14. Damon or Stefan?

Stefan! They're both beautiful and I love them very much, but I'm Team Stefan when it comes to Elena.

15. If you could work with anyone from The Vampire Diaries, who would it be?

Ian Somerhalder has a lot of dogs. So, maybe I want to work with him for the sole reason of just talking about dogs. [Writer's note: Kaylee revealed she has two rescue dogs, one whom was sleeping right next to them during the interview! Kaylee described the dogs as "both complete and total nuts," but said she misses them about five minutes after getting into the car to go to work.]

16. Do you think you’re most similar to Josie, Lizzie, or Hope in real life?

I would say I'm an eclectic mix of the three. I can be very headstrong like Hope, very outspoken like Lizzie, and I try to be as loving as Josie, but sometimes that doesn't always work. But I'd like to think all three.

17. Is there a role people would be surprised to learn you auditioned for, but didn't get?

I've been auditioning since I was eight, so there's quite a few Disney Channel shows and movies. And I'm sure people would be surprised because I think I auditioned for like, all of them. It's very funny, one of the first jobs I ever booked in television was Kickin' It with Leo Howard [Ethan]. Talk about full circle — going from being 12 years old and having no idea what I'm doing to being a series regular on [Legacies] and welcoming Leo to the set.

18. Who's your favorite Disney princess?

Oh, I love Mulan so much. She was, like, my first crush ever. I also love Moana, but it's Mulan 1,000%.

19. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I mean, I do eat rice every day. So maybe just white rice — you can make rice into candy and...yeah, let's go with rice.

20. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one book, what would it be?

Oh no! I recently read The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, and I really enjoyed that book. Oh god, Is that the one that I want to bring, though? I mean, I really enjoyed it and it has many different aspects to it. I don't know. Or should I go with Harry Potter? I go through different genres too, like right now I'm in a big sci-fi phase, but other times I'll go the opposite direction and only read biographies. Yeah, that's super hard. I don't think I would know!

21. On that note, what's your Hogwarts house?

Initially, when I was younger, it used to just be straight-up Slytherin. And now, I recently took the Sorting Hat Quiz and I got Ravenclaw. So I'm going to go with Slytherclaw.

BuzzFeed: What's Josie's house?

Josie would be Slytherin. She tries very hard and, you know, not everyone in Slytherin is evil. She just, you know, has her way of going about things.

22. Has anything super funny or embarrassing happened to you on set?

I trip a lot on set. I get scared very easily — if I come around the corner and somebody is walking the other direction, I get scared. Everybody knows to walk slowly around me because I get scared so easily.

23. What's your wildest fan story?

I've had people cry before. And I'm an empath, so if somebody starts crying, I immediately am like, "Please don't cry, because I'm gonna cry." And then it turns into this whole thing. Once we were shooting in the town square and this young girl with her mom started crying, and I just hugged her and I didn't know what to say. So there's a lot of that. There's also the occasional, "Where's your twin?" and...I don't have one, sorry! But yeah, I would say the people who cry always throw me for a loop.

24. How do you unwind after a long day?

I have an hourlong drive home from work, so I usually listen to a lot of music. And by the time I get home, taking off all of my makeup is very therapeutic. Because over time, we're working 13-hour days, 16-hour days, and it's just powder constantly building up on my face. So, washing my face is always very therapeutic. And then just laying back and reading a book and petting my dog is the best.

25. Is there a celebrity you get told you look like a lot?

Most recently, Sara Waisglass [from Ginny & Georgia and Degrassi]. We follow each other on social media now and I completely messed up because I don't know how Twitter works at all. I forgot that there's a DMing interaction, so we followed each other and I was like, "Oh, that's nice." And then just recently, I saw that she had messaged me being like, "We're twins! We should be friends!" And I immediately messaged back, "I'm so sorry, let's be friends!"

26. Who's your biggest celebrity crush?

Oh, I have so many. But consistently since I saw Orphan Black, Tatiana Maslany. Hands down.

27. Finally, have you ever caught someone watching a TV show or movie that you're in on a flight or anywhere else?

We were all, as a cast, flying to — was it New York Comic Con, or San Diego Comic Con? — one of the Comic Cons. And we were all sitting there and we saw that Legacies was actually on the airplane as an option. And we were all just uncomfortably staring at each other. Yeah, that was surreal.

Be sure to catch Kaylee in Legacies, which airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET on The CW!

[whatiwillsay]

off topic - let’s talk about gaylena 👀

selena gomez is one of taylor’s oldest and bestest friends and given that she is in the 22 liner notes, a huge part of taylor’s life, and maybe fruity herself it seems like possibly we don’t talk about her here at the blog enough!

i don’t want to do a timeline of selena and taylor’s friendship - you can read more about that here, but they met back in the day when they were both dating jonas brothers and to me this idea of finding a real friendship in the midst of these contrived promances is pretty adorable.

ofc most of y’all think taylor is a fruit basket but i think there’s a good chance that selena is too!  i’m not saying she is for sure but y’all know me.  i’’m here to make a compelling case that everyone and their dog is gay so let’s gooooo! 

Part I - At least one fake rs!  

Selena “dated” Taylor Lautner in 2009 and he’s definitely gay.  Of course, that doesn’t mean she is, it could just be PR, but y’all know I gotta note everything!  We stan our fruity bffs dating the same gays 😍

Part II - Selena x cara delevingne

i feel like there’s a chance they met through taylor but everyone in that squad adjacent circle knows one another.  cara dated michelle rodriguez for the first half of 2014 and then got with annie clark in March 2015 but it feels like it’s possible something has gone on between her and Selena from summer 2014 - early 2015? ...maybe something casual on and off a bit?

August 2014 - Steamy pics surface in Saint-Tropez, France

Selena and and a freshly single Cara vacation together in part to celebrate Selena’s 22nd birthday.

They party together and look cozy!

Pictures such as this surface and spark rumors around the two:

Selena apparently loves the rumors and gushes about being shipped with Cara.

Quote:

You say Selena drag queens were the true measure of success for you. But isn’t it true that you’re not truly famous until you’ve been the subject of a gay rumor? And last year, the tabloids had a field day with photos of you and Cara Delevingne. I’ve made it!

How did you react to those rumors? Honestly, I loved it. I didn’t mind it. Especially because they weren’t talking about other people in my life for once, which was wonderful. Honestly, though, she’s incredible and very open and she just makes me open. She’s so fun and she’s just extremely adventurous, and sometimes I just want that in my life, so I didn’t mind it. I loved it.

Notice she doesn’t deny them?  Now of course she could just be being cool, if she freaked out about it that might be even weirder but hey, it’s still kind of interesting.

Then she admits to questioning her sexuality???

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Oh, I think everybody does, no matter who they are. I do, yeah, of course. Absolutely. I think it’s healthy to gain a perspective on who you are deep down, question yourself and challenge yourself; it’s important to do that.

(Selena btw, this is cool and all, but not everybody questions their sexuality, maybe you’re just gay 👀)

November 1 - LACMA Art + Film Gala 

they even left the event together 👀

and they hung out earlier that day as well:

They were seen the next day partying for Kendall Jenner’s bday singing to her:

a few weeks later Cara tweets Selena’s lyrics!

In December 2014 they are travelling together in texas:

in january 2015 they get cozy at the golden globes together!

and they leave together again:

January 19th/20th a bunch of gay nonsense happens

They post this gay shit with matching shoes and linked fingers:

then they say this to one another:

Enty says they were hooking up!

then we don’t get any more content that i can find for about six months! perhaps they had a fling from summer 2014-jan 2015 and then it ends, Cara gets with Annie in March?  Then after half a year apart Selena and Cara resume a friendly relationship?  Perhaps!  Selena is seen with Justin a bit off and on during this time but this was in their Style/Heat Death Era imo (tbh i probably shouldn’t give a hetty pairing including Justin that designation 🤢but y’all get what I’m saying - it’s fully possible Selena was hooking up with both of them!

Now I’m not super familiar with Selena’s discography so y’all lmk if I’m missing anything major - lyric wise that point to her not being straight.

Selena’s album Revival that comes out after this relationship has a few songs with some vibes, even though I get the feeling a lot of it is probably about Justin, allow me to reach.  The title track could be translated as someone coming to terms with their sexuality (among other things):

I feel like I've awakened lately The chains around me are finally breaking I've been under self-restoration I've become my own salvation Showing up, no more hiding, hiding The light inside me is bursting, shining It's my, my, my time to butterfly

Good for you, imo, is too sexy to be about a man even if it’s not super queer lyrically it’s a vibe ok?

Me & My Girls might be a bestie anthem a la 22 (oh wait, no 22 was gay too) but I mean...could be about a girl gang of lesbians too!

And if we want it, we take it If we need money, we make it Nobody knows if we fake it You like to watch while we shake it I know we're making you thirsty You want us all in the worst way But you don't understand I don't need a man 

Quinn Fabray indeed!

Nobody feels probably like a retrospective on Justin 🙄but...there is a hint of sapphic craving in there!  Saying this particular lover loves them differently than everyone is a bit 👀 plus this stanza:

No oxygen, can barely breathe My darkest sin, you've raised release And it's all because of you, all because of you And I don't know what it is, but you've pulled me in No one compares, could ever begin To love me like you do And I wouldn't want them to

Is Perfect about some bitch Justin started dating?  Probably but bear with me here this song is actually pretty fucking gay.  Gay enough that I’m gonna add it to one of my gay playlists.  Could this song actually be about Cara moving on to Annie?

Ooh, and I bet she has it all Bet she's beautiful like you, like you And I bet she's got that touch Makes you fall in love, like you, like you

I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And she's perfect And she's perfect

Part III - Selena x Julia Michaels

Julia Michaels is a singer/songwriter known for her song Issues.  I don’t know her sexuality but she at the least has gay vibes!  It seems they met around this time perhaps because Julia wrote on Revival.

They have a friendly enough friendship for a few years, liking one another’s posts on IG from time to time, posing for a photo a time or two and then they seem to get swept up into this very intense friendship in 2019.  They write some music together and Julia goes whole hog in promoting the shoe brand Selena is hawking this time 😭

2019 - The Superior Sapphic Jelena Timeline:

It starts, for some reason with a lot of shoe promotion:

chill, chill

more shoes

but more gayness?

this homo shit

ok...

Then we go into the REALLY GAY NOVEMBER OF 2019:

Then they perform together:

And...actually kiss...on the mouth on stage???

Sure it’s just a peck but still...if that were a guy people would say they were dating.  

Somehow kissing on the mouth isn’t the gayest thing these girls do over this period because these fucking dykes got matching tattoos.  I’ve read enough Larry blogs to know this actually means they’re secretly married.  All jokes aside this is fruity behavior. 

From their IG stories:

Selena gets Julia a very nice christmas gift:

Covid sets in and content drops off but god damn!  It’s possible they just had an intense friendship but if a man and a woman collabed on music together, kissed in public, and got matching tattoos everyone would say they were dating!

Selena, as far as I can find, didn’t have any public boyfriends around this time so who are some of these love songs about?

Rare comes out in January 2020 and perhaps has some gayish songs?

Don’t tell me why but boyfriend lowkey, has a gay vibe.  Don’t ask me to explain it but it’s just the musicality of it.

Crowded Room could be a love song for Julia?  (or by Julia for Selena, since they’re collaborators?)

Baby, it's just me and you Baby, it's just me and you Just us two Even in a crowded room Baby, it's just me and you, yeah

These are general gay vibes, our secret moments in a crowded room tease

It started polite, out on thin ice 'Til you came over to break it I threw you a line and you were mine

It would have started out polite between them, since they worked together for years before whatever 2019 was happened.  And throwing someone a line first of all makes Selena sound like the aggressor but also “throwing someone a line” could be a reference to writing songs together.

Yeah, I was afraid, but you made it safe I guess that is our combination Said you feel lost, well, so do I So won't you call me in the morning? I think that you should call me in the morning If you feel the same, 'cause

Lots of people are afraid at the beginning of a gay rs.  Treacherous tease 👀

In summation!

Selena does gay stuff like fantasizing ab kissing other women in her music, getting very touchy with famous dykes on vacay, hangs out with Taylor Swift, has chronic mental health issues, dated a jonas brother and a twilight gay, has admitted to questioning her sexuality, and loves being shipped with women.  Is she gay?  I don’t know!   But all she’s missing from her celesbian bingo card is a suspiciously intense friendship with a Glee Cast member! What do you guys think?  Selena fruity or just weird?

Edit to add: so apparently I missed an entire ship and Selena supposedly acted really gay all the time with her backup dancer Charity Baroni.  Exposing SMG has posted a lot about all that.

Also Selena has been cast in a gay role! edit to add: @bisluthq went and found this for me - julia is indeed a fruit queen

[hp-fanfic-archive]

an introductory rec list (that no one asked for) to some of my favorite ships: wolfstar [1/10]

First fic I read for the pairing: Where Rain And Smoke Mingle by smallestbird [1k,T] It doesn't matter if they've disowned you, they're still your family. It doesn't matter how often you walk away, it still hurts. [it’s a bit dreary, but the writing style is so nice and i’m a big sucker for hurt/comfort]

Fic that really sold me on the pairing: Of Brothers and Boyfriends by Amuly [38k,E] There’s no summary on the fic, but, essentially, Remus and Sirius’s secret relationship gets found out and things get… complicated. (warning for homophobia) [My note on my ao3 bookmark pretty much sums up how I feel about this fic: Honestly one of my favorites (and one of the stories that really got me hooked on Wolfstar tbh) and I've read it at least eight times. However, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the homophobic James Potter (even though he does come around).]

Absolute favorite fic(s) for the pairing: Text Talk by merlywhirls [141k,Not Rated] Sirius is in boarding school, Remus is in hospital, and they don't know each other until Sirius texts the wrong number. (warnings for homophobia, mentions of abuse, and homophobic language) [One of the earlier fics I read and it’s always just been one of my favorites, even though it’s been 3 years since I read it for the first time.] Harry Potter and the Live Laugh Love Sign in the Basement by loudestfandomsoftheworld [24k,T] Harry spends his summer with his fugitive godfather and his former professor who is a jobless werewolf. It's probably the best summer he's ever had. [The humor, the characterizations, their relationships, it’s all so fucking perfect!!] Go East [+Podfic] by xinasvoice [84k,E] Remus has been running for a long time. Eventually, he runs into a strange castle built by a wizard and his young apprentice. The longer he stays, the more secrets he uncovers...and the less he wants to leave. This is a novel-length adventure story that loosely follows the plot of Howl's Moving Castle. It does not require knowledge of the HMC book or movie to enjoy it. [it made me laugh, it made me cry, and it’s plot is based on one of my all time favorite movies? 11/10] Of Queries and Quarantines by MoonCat457 [51k,E] LUPIN.RJ: James, WHY? POTTER.JF: Because you’re the one currently doing the job, so it makes sense that you’d be the one to train the person hired to take your place. LUPIN.RJ: No, I mean why is Monty hiring a new editor in the middle of a fucking pandemic? POTTER.JF: An old friend of mine is in a tough spot and needs a job, so of course, dad is helping him out. - - - - OR A story set in the middle of the pandemic in which Sirius is hired at the Potter’s publishing company and Remus is responsible for training him. Lots of texting, lots of video calls, lots of mutual pining, and a lot of really bad literature quotes. [i’ve largely avoided quarantine au fics, but sometimes they’re so well-written and hilarious and also a texting fic and i accidentally fall in love with them, so here we are.]

Most recent fic I’ve read for the pairing: There Is No Man, However Wise by enigmaticblue [87k,T] It’s 1988, Sirius has Harry, and possession is nine-tenths of the law. [i adore a good raising harry au and i also adore the premise of the series this is in and i also adore the writing story and characterizations. 10/10]

Favorite AU(s) I’ve read for the pairing: High School AU: Likewise Variable by ssstrychnine [28k,T] James has plans, Peter is the nurse, Sirius keeps fake blood up his sleeves, and Remus just tries to stay alive. [i first read this fic in 2017 and it still lives rent free in my mind. it’s hilarious, a perfect characterization of the marauders (even tho it’s a muggle modern high school au) and adding shakespeare? just icing on the fucking cake. it’s excellent.] University AU: Wannabe Your Lover by Maraudererasmut & shadow_prince [15k,M] Somewhere in America, Fall of 1997 - Returning to University, James refused to room with Sirius in the wake of The Great Cheez-it Battle of '96. They must adjust to living with someone new, Mr. Potter worried they'd both get scurvy, James unsuccessfully continued trying to court one Lily Evans, Snape got what was coming to him, and Sirius was the most confused of them all. [this is the university experience we all wish we had, lowkey. aside from the hilarity that comes from having the marauders in a fic, it’s just cute and well-written and i love it (and southern remus??? it’s everything i never knew i needed.] Alternate Sorting AU (Slytherin Remus): Half Agony, Half Hope by Barry_Manilows_Wardrobe [21k,E] A tale wherein Sirius Black loses 750 House Points for Gryffindor. But it’s totally worth it. [listen, if, before i read this fic, you asked me if remus could’ve been a slytherin, my answer would have been “perhaps but probably not.” now, however, yeah. 100%. it’s hilarious, it’s novel (which i love to see), but it’s still the same remus and sirius and it’s excellent.] Haunted House AU: Another Day in the Sun by REwrites [19k,T] Is it haunted? I suppose that depends on who is telling the story. [really really excellent and a little haunting (pun entirely intended). it’s romantic and sweet and a little bittersweet but i adore it.]

WIP(s) I really love for the pairing: We Were Infinite by WolfstarPups90 [336k,E] “The Marauders aren’t something that will just go away once we graduate.” James continued, taking a more serious tone and addressing not only Remus, but the fear that they all had found recently in the back of their minds about what may become of them outside the walls of Hogwarts. “We’re a family. We’ve proven that again and again, haven’t we? We’re forever. Unstoppable. We’re infinite.” The full story of The Marauders from September 1st 1971 - October 31st 1981. (Heavily centered around Wolfstar and Jily in later chapter) [the first WIP i ever read (usually i stick to completed works, but this was being pretty regularly updated when i started reading it and also it’s fucking iconic so what can i say?)] Of Leaves and Stars by irrationalmoony & LadyAmina [273k,T] Almost a year out of Hogwarts, Lily finally manages to convince Sirius and James to get more acquainted with muggle technology and buy phones. Sirius, of course, texts the wrong number. [everyone is queer! (as they well should be). also: is it complete? no. has that stopped me from reading it twice? also no.]

Favorite Series for the pairing: TransVerse by picascribit [30k,E,2 works] Canon-divergent AU in which Remus is a transgender boy instead of being a werewolf. (warnings for underage, transphobia, internalized transphobia, bullying, self-harm) [i am a trans remus stan and this series is iconic, but also heed the tags kids.]

Longest fic I’ve read for the pairing: Once in a Blue Moon by FullMoonDreams [408k,M] In a world where Remus never received his Hogwarts invitation and Sirius wasn't accepted by the Gryffindors the two lonely boys become friends. A story beginning in their first year, and continuing right through Hogwarts and beyond. RLSB. [this fic emotionally ruined me,,, but like,,, in a good way, you know? i will probably never reread it because i cried for hours the first time, but the plot does live rent free in my mind (and i do have a playlist of songs that remind me of it).]

Fic(s) with some of my favorite tropes: Matchmaking: Pining, Parchment, Plotting, and Pranks by KayBee1762 [12k,T] “Idea parchment,” James said. He unfolded it and smoothed it out. “You want to get them together, right? That’s why you came to me?” “Yeah,” Lily huffed, which was ridiculous because he was right, that’s why she came to him. But it was supposed to be her idea, because she wanted to help her dear friend Remus, not James or Sirius. But it was so nice to be able to talk about this with someone, and James looked so pleased and excited. “Good,” James said. “Good, because they need to get together, they would be so happy and so good together, and Sirius will stop sighing like a lovesick puppy and just snog him instead.” In which Lily considers changing Houses, James blushes a lot, Sirius is his usual dramatic self, Remus mopes, and Peter knew everything all along. [the marauders (especially james and lily) trying to play matchmaker is one of my favorite instances of the classic matchmaking trope.] Road Trips + Bed Sharing: Of Comets and Counter-Examples by Woldy [5k,T] If the past is a foreign country, can travel help to resolve a troubled history? Dumbledore assigns Remus and Sirius a mission to explore three European cities, or perhaps to find each other. [a lovely tale of travel, reunions, comfort, friendship, and self-rediscovery. plus, travel, bed sharing, and friends to lovers??? yeah] Matchmaking (again): In The Middle by Blossomwitch [3k,Not Rated] James is the natural confidant of both Remus and Sirius. When they both swear him to secrecy on the same topic, James is stuck watching his friends pine for each other without being able to say a word to bring them together. A lesser man might shrink from the challenge of finding a way to break his promise without breaking his promise, but not James Potter! [i already did a matchmaking trope fic i know but what can i say other than the trope fucking slaps and so does this fic.]

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Could I be curious for a hot second? I swear I saw in a post you did the other day that you haven’t read ACD canon? This is absolutely not a judgement ask or anything but I’m always curious to find out how/why people resist reading the original works of modern adaptations. Is it just not your cup of tea or did you watch Sherlock for the actors? etc. I’m one of those who when they love something, it quickly becomes an obsession and have to read every book, article, Twitter post there is about the thing before I’m satisfied..

Also could I add in, what do you think of Tiny Little Houses - I Hate That You’re Happy for Johnlock Playlist?..

Thank you for all you do, I think I basically save every one of your posts to read later..it’s a lot!

HI LOVELY!!

OOOF I dunno how or when I got this and totally missed it, but I totally apologize because this is a quick-response ask. Tumblr’s been... hiding new stuff from me lately, and it’s kinda frustrating :|

ANYWAY: Firstly, I’m gonna mention that I’m putting the JLPL suggestion on a separate ask that is now behind a SLEW of Playlist submissions (I dunno why it’s suddenly popular again, LOL) so keep an eye out for that in the coming weeks LOL.

Secondly, no offense taken at all to the boldness of your ask; I’ve actually been asked this quite often and honestly I DON’T have a good reason.

So yeah, honestly? These are good questions, and fun ones to reply to. Ah, I actually have my besties to thank for me getting into Sherlock. Believe it or not, I didn’t really know much about Ben until I saw Sherlock; my first recollection of seeing his face was as Khan in Into Darkness, and I loved that movie (I know I’m among a small few who do love ST:ID; I KNOW the problems with it, I just REALLY like everyone’s acting in it), and I knew of Martin, actually, which is why I agreed to watch the show. So yeah, I went to visit my friends one weekend, and on the Sunday night before I left (it was a holiday weekend, so I always leave on the Monday), we pulled up Netflix and put it on. I WAS FASCINATED. I LOVED IT. We only got through the first season, so when I got home, I torrented that bitch and watch all of S1 and S2 in one sitting the following weekend. And I already had a Tumblr at that time, so I just... lurked blogs, and then I started getting really into it. 

Long-short, this blog was created just before S3, so I could start interacting with other fandom people, and try my hand at meta (which I partook in extensively on the regular until everyone left). The name “inevitably-johnlocked” actually came about because I was a platonic bromance shipper when I first saw the show, until I got REALLY into it, and started educating myself and interacting with very lovely queer people, who in turn gave me the gift of self discovery. I was, rightfully so, inevitably destined to be a Johnlocker :) I laugh to myself about that all the time. It’s not even funny, but I have a few little easter eggs all over the place on my blog / posts that if you know small things about me, they’re rather amusing to weird people like me.

BUT ANYWAY, that wasn’t your question, LOL. With regards to ACD canon, truth is exactly this: I just never got around to it. I’ve no reason to NOT read them, I’m just a literal garbage human who eats fanfiction like Skittles. I haven’t read anything OTHER than fanfiction in literal YEARS. I think the last book I bought was the Inkheart Trilogy (WHICH BY THE WAY THERE NEEDS TO BE A JOHNLOCK AU FOR, where John is either the writer or the Silver Tongue [or both], his kid is Meggie, Mary has died / left him, and Sherlock is either his creation or we’ll go really meta and he IS the ACD character, and that’s how he meets John Watson, but I digress. I think about this a lot), which I love dearly. But I just haven’t really taken a break from reading fanfics since like... twenty... fourteen? Yeah, that’s when S3 came out. And then, yeah, I just read downloaded books now on my phone, and I just... never got around to downloading the ACD canon books. I know exactly where to get them, but I guess I’m just SO immersed in the BBC canon that I do like you do, except with EVERYTHING BBC canon, LOL. Except S4, LOL, that can go burn in the dumpster.

(as an aside, my consumption and adoration and obsession of fanfics works in everyone’s favour, really: I get content, you guys get more and more stuff to read that has my good-for-nothing-seal-of-approval, and because of the kind of neuroticism I do have, everything is meticulous and evolves with the fandom)

So yeah, TL;DR: I’m lazy. That simple. And I know it would probably be better for me to read them so that I can answer stuff with certainty, but I’ll be blatantly honest: I LOVE being a middle person to the interactions between y’all, and when you guys impart your knowledge onto me about stuff. It helps keep my blog interactive, and honestly, that’s fun :) 

Cheers for your lovely compliments on my blog, hahah. Yeah, I’ve a lot of posts, so if there’s anything specific you’re looking for, let me know, or I probably have a tag for it <3 Take care!! <3

[rowanhq]

✧･ﾟ : ｡･ﾟﾟ･( quintessa swindell, 24, non-binary, they/them ) — did you see ROWAN GRADY in the courtyard last night ? rumor has it they have worked at THE SNOWGLOBE RINK since NOVEMBER 2019, and they are an aspiring PLAYWRIGHT. they live in APARTMENT 401. i’d describe them as RESOURCEFUL & SUPPORTIVE but SARCASTIC & INSUBORDINATE. when they pass by i’m always reminded of an eye-roll alongside an adoring smile, always having everything from first aid supplies to rolling papers, telling a friend when they’re wrong but always having their back, and stacks of hand-written notes scattered over a desk. ( maeby. 24. she/they. pst. )

hello hello !! my name is maeby and i’m so stoked to be here ♡ i’m 24, out here in the pst, and use she/they pronouns. i can’t even tell you how excited i am to be bringing you my sweetheart, rowan ! they’re still fresh and new, so i’m way excited to plot & dig a little deeper into their character! without further ado...

STATS

given name: rowan grady nicknames: rows (pronounced rose), ro, grady hometown: san francisco, ca identity: non-binary lesbian alignment: neutral good label: the parent friend hobbies: classic film festivals, ice skating to ‘80s music, karaoke nights, dungeons & dragons, throwing themed parties, rollerskating in central park, working on the play they’ve been writing for years, playing the fourth floor piano, adding songs to their endless christmas playlist, songwriting at the melting snowman favorites: movie dates, cozy nights, homemade french toast, white pizza with balsamic glaze, mixed nuts (1994), reflective moments after a play ends, christmas morning (vanilla chai tea with white chocolate and espresso), christmas morning (the morning of december 25th) tldr; major nerd and parent friend, rowan grady, cares more about community than authority and wants to recruit you to their weekly d&d game so they can forget about the fact that their play still isn’t finished after almost ten years.

BIOGRAPHY

tw: teen pregnancy, adoption, homophobia, depression

rowan grady’s life started with kind of a mixed bag. like many kids who wind up being adopted, their biological mother was young and not ready for parenthood. along came rebecca and carla grady, marine biologists specializing in botany and zoology, respectively, who wanted nothing more than to pour their love into rowan’s life. rebecca was the fun, abstract, flowy parent who took rowan to renaissance faires and filled their home with music (and stray animals who needed homes). carla was the straight-laced, proud parent from minnesota who taught rowan to love ice skating and endless reading (and put up with her wife’s love of strays even though carla was allergic).

growing up at home, life was good. no matter what happened at school or with their friends, rowan’s moms were supportive and involved. it was everyone else who wasn’t quite as kind. middle school brought romance into the picture and it didn’t take rowan very long to discover they were gay. even in a liberal town like san francisco, there were always nay-sayers and cruel bullies ready to step on their hopes and dreams. rather than just words of encouragement, their moms set up a group they met at pflag and surrounded rowan with other kids just like them. the bullies at school and after school didn’t stand a chance when rowan had a community of people behind them, and that sentiment has lasted their entire life.

community has always been a large part of rowan’s identity and a lot of it has had to do with the queer kids they grew up with and found a family in. not only because of the solidarity they each held, but because of one family in their group that took rowan under their wing in one very special way: dungeons and dragons. during a time when there were so few female (as rowan identified at the time) or queer players in the public eye, it wasn’t something rowan had ever thought would be available to them. but after one session with the family of another gay couple and their boys, rowan was hooked. they discovered that there was a tight-knit community of queer players and started playing every week. when a group of boys at school laughed at them for trying to join their game, rowan took it up a notch and started their own damn game.

it was becoming a dm that really pushed rowan’s parent friend tendencies to the forefront of their personality. they started grabbing anyone who felt like an outcast or ‘other’ and brought them into their sessions. the drama kids practiced their improv, the shy kids explored their personalities in a safe space, and rowan found yet another community to parent. it may have started as a way to stick it to the man, as rowan loved so much, but it turned into a way to connect with people and show them how to connect to others. it opened rowan up and got them writing, which ended up turning their funny little living room plays into productions that were put on for their entire school. it was their sophomore year of high school that they fell in love with playwriting and the rest was history.

by the end of their senior year of high school, rowan was running two different sessions of d&d every week and felt like they had really created something worthwhile. when they got their scholarship to nyu, they didn’t expect that to all come crashing down, but it was inevitable. leaving their home and making a new one thousands and thousands of miles away proved to be more difficult than rowan had anticipated, but there was something in rowan that needed to get out. a play that had been dancing around their head since they first started writing them; something they couldn’t ignore. nyu tisch’s dramatic writing program opened up all kinds of new avenues for rowan to explore and slowly, they started to feel like they could create something again.

it took months, but rowan began finding little pockets of community at nyu and creating them when they felt unfulfilled. unsurprisingly, this included games of dungeons and dragons after rowan found the current dungeon masters to be wholly un-intersectional, which bothered them greatly. every semester, more and more students were joining rowan’s games and rowan was branching out into the communities they brought with them more and more, as well. this was where they realized the full scope of what new york had to offer. they became so caught up in it that they nearly failed out of school, but it was those same communities that pulled them out of it. while being the parent friend was all fun and good, they had to learn to take care of themself first.

it’s been three years since rowan graduated from college and they’re still in new york. the play they’ve been dreaming about since they were in high school still isn’t finished, mostly due to the fact that it has evolved over and over again. versions of it have been performed as student productions, but they still crave more. they know it needs to be bigger, deeper, and more meaningful. they work on it constantly, workshopping and scrapping and rewriting songs every week, and at this point, they wonder if it will ever be done. finding the snowglobe shortly after graduating from college came as a godsend to rowan, who was struggling to find community once again. a group of dreamers all thrown under one, multi-storied roof helped to guide their hand and started to define their love of new york all over again. what will they do with that love? the world will find out.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

regulars at the snowglobe rink: rowan spends a good deal of their time at work, partially because they need the money and partially because it’s a lot of the reason they fell in love with the snowglobe! you can find them skating on their free time more often than you might think.

employees and regulars of rowan's favorite haunts: rowan spends a shocking amount of their time in and around the snowglobe and is a creature of habit when it comes to the places they frequent. if you see them somewhere once, you’ll see them there again soon!

squad goals: rowan's ride or dies in nyc. these are the people they know will always love them, the victims of most of their thorough and constant affection, the first people they text when they're bored and the first people they call when something goes wrong. the ones who know all of rowan's secrets. the people responsible for making sure they always have someone to dance with, preferably them.

theatre kids and thespians: rowan has spent most of their life focused on the dramatic arts, before they knew it and definitely after. they tend to spend a lot of their time with fellow playwrights, actors, singers, and dancers. if they can cajole you into helping them with their play, they’re gonna stick to you like glue.

will they, won’t they?: rowan, like many artists and creators, has a muse that inspires their creative side and their romantic side alike. that can be a dangerous combination, and rowan doesn’t always do a great job of keeping them separate. there’s something about this person that keeps rowan coming back. maybe they can pinpoint it, maybe they can’t.

the intrepid adventurers: rowan is a not-so-secret nerd and avid dungeons and dragons player. they run a weekly game with some of their college friends and started another game that runs sort of sporadically for people who work and live at the snowglobe! it doesn’t matter if you’ve played your entire life, have never played at all, or think you’re too good for it: rowan wants to talk you into joining.

fellow california kids: rowan is a long way from home! after spending their entire life in california, it was hard to move 3,000 miles to the other side of the country. little reminders of home make all the difference, even if they aren’t people rowan knew when back home.

musicians around the snowglobe: rowan is always playing music and needs people to play with! they’re constantly playing around the snowglobe and the apartments, and drags anyone who can carry a tune or plays an instrument into playing with them. don’t be surprised if they try to strong-arm you into rehearsing original songs for their play.

flings, crushes (returned and unrequited), exes, fwbs!

anybody who needs a friendly face to celebrate the highs and distract them from the lows in nyc!

people who really don’t get along with rowan! (not everyone can, right?)

anything under the sun you’re vibing!

[cross-d-a]

Pass the happy!💖 When you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications!

(I have decided that Discord notifs count because I love you dearly and wanna hear what makes you happy)

HELLO!!!! I love you and I kinda really needed this and I think you know that so thank you!!!!! I love and appreciate you SO MUCH!!

Also I've literally been thinking about this post for two hours and so I'm not gonna stick to just five- I'm gonna list MORE than that because I wanna remind myself that there are many wonderful things in the world to be happy about and also PICS!! I'm adding PICS bc I CAN!!!!!!!!!

under the cut bc it gets LONG! :)

1) YOU make me happy, Sierra!!!!!!! Also @s1utspeare and @vishcount and of course my bff @haru-tl !!! You guys are so fucking incredible and talented and AMAZING!!!! I love you all SO MUCH!!! You always make my day!!! And all the dmbj peeps!!! I am so lucky to know so many wonderful people!!!!

2) as long as we're on the subject of people- I absolutely can't leave out my coworkers!!! Literally some of the best people I've ever met in my life. I have so much fun with them. I can always count on them making me laugh.

Like today, we were talking about this reptile house a few towns away and my manager was telling us about their cool anaconda exhibit where you can crawl under the glass tank and watch them eat and she mentioned their teeth being scary. So I googled Anaconda Teeth and went WOAH THEY'RE COOL and our Resident Snake Expert came over and went actually that pic is from the movie Anaconda. And then he helped me find Real Pics and the teeth were even COOLER. I left the Google search up on the work computer and a couple hours when I was on lunch I heard Mike exclaim: "I had NO idea that ANACONDAS had TEETH!!!!!!" Which?? MIKE?? WHAT??? Hahaha everyone burst into laughter :)

3) my cat BOOTS makes me happy!! He's always asking for belly scritches and he drools when he's happy. Here's a pic bc I adore him:

4) my new baby boy So Mun from The Uncanny Counter makes me VERY happy!!!!! He's just- the Sweetest Boy to have ever Baby'd!!! I adore his little crinkly-eyed smile and curly hair!!! He's just so GOOD it makes me cry!! Also!! Disabled rep!!!!! LOVE HIM!!!!! Look at his lil' FACE:

and bc he is Unfortunately Very Hot in his mourning outfit:

adding this too bc LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE SMILE I wanna SCREAM

5) my Pangzi necklace makes me happy!!! I have an Iron Triangle matching set, but the Pangzi one I first put on bc of Brigid's Pangzi chapter for Swiftly Tilting and then I kinda just- never took it off haha. It's just so pretty and makes me feel like I've got a bit of Pangzi with me at all times. I love that man SO much and if I can be even a fraction of how wonderful he is, then I can die happy

6) the smell of the sea makes me happy!!! It makes me feel refreshed and relaxed! I live by Puget Sound and on very lucky days I can smell it at my house! Tonight was a lucky night! I came home and it smelled like the seashore, so I kept my window open as I folded laundry :)

7) my new collection of Kpop CDs makes me happy!! It's entirely bc of Vish's influence and I LOVE her for it!!! The packaging is just so pretty and I always love being able to hold things that give me Good Feelings in my hands :)

8) since we're on the subject of COLLECTIONS, I love to collect things!! And one collection of things that makes me happy are my books!! I have- too many. Working in a bookstore makes it too easy to buy them! But seeing the bright spines on my shelves gives me delight. I particularly really like my queer manga collection!! I've got four whole shelves of it! :) I'd offer a pic but I'm too tired to go upstairs, haha but I love the art and the representation 🌈

9) I ALSO really love all the figures I collect! Seeing characters that I love on a daily basis makes me happy. I usually decorate my bookshelves with them. One set that makes me particularly happy are my Pingxie ones. They look like they're getting married and it delights me:

10) another purchase that is entirely bc of Vish (I ADORE you!!) is my Chimmy blanket!! He's just so adorable and bright and coming home every day to see him waiting on my bed makes me very happy

11) yet another bright yellow thing that makes me happy is my dmbj Xiao Ge coaster!! It's so sparkly and fun AND it's a friendship coaster I share with Sierra!! We've got a matching set, babe!! I love you!! Let's just shake them around and be distracted by the sparkles forever!!

12) coming back to work from my weekend to find a bunch of manga to shelve always makes me very happy!!! Buying/pricing/shelving manga is my favourite thing to do at work! I love seeing familiar and new titles!

And it's interesting to see how prices can change if it goes out of print! Sometimes every single book in a series but ONE is the same price. Like last month we had a series where like/ volume 8 was worth $250 vs the regular $7.99 for the rest of them. And someone BOUGHT IT!! Things like that can happen randomly. It can be bc it was a smaller printing for that particular volume. OR something special happens in it (new character appearance/fan favourite story arc/BOOBS), so more ppl want to keep it which means it's harder to come by (and then sellers raise their prices BC it's difficult to come by). You usually see the collectible value go up for out of print BL or older series like Aria or Lupin III. Not everything that's out of print is collectible, but it's always interesting when it is :)

13) DAY6's The Book of Us: Gravity has graciously given me a big serotonin boost the last couple days!! It's just- I dunno! Uplifting! Catchy! Full of energy! :)

14) similarly, I've been listening to Close Your Eyes by Isaac Hong almost exclusively for like- five days now! It's from The Uncanny Counter and it makes me very happy! It's very emotional and just reminds me of my baby boy So Mun :)

15) sunshine makes me happy!! I'm at that point in the year where I don't want rain anymore, just sun! So it's always nice having my windows open at home with the sun shining through. Or the back doors at work propped open while we go about our day. It's almost impossible to feel sad when you get to bask in the warmth of the sun and smell the nice fresh air

16) finding weird random books at work makes me happy! It's so fun seeing the kinds of things people read! And sometimes you find cool ephemera in the things people sell to us that they don't want back. Like- look at this pic from an older fortune-telling birthday book I found. She is 1000% Drowning Him and I love that for her :)

17) reading manga makes me happy. There are just so many wonderful and ridiculous series out there. There really is nothing "too weird to publish" in the manga world. I was reminded of this the other day when I discovered a series about a girl who timetravels and finds out that her soulmate is a Neanderthal. You can literally find a series about ANYTHING in the manga world and I love that about it. There's no limit to the imagination and there's something for everyone :)

18) when I'm in the mood, writing and drawing make me happy. There's just something about creating that really just- fills the soul :)

19) making playlists makes me happy!! I love having playlists for characters and relationships and fics and even specific fic chapters or moods or going to sleep! (And rec playlists! Like Vish's :) ) It's just- so satisfying having the Perfect Playlist on hand! Plus it's fun actually making them- like figuring out the mood/lyrics and what they fit into :) I listen to music almost constantly, so this is essential! :)

So thank you Sierra!! It was nice to remind myself about a lot of different things that bring joy to my life!! I love and adore you SO MUCH 💖💖💖

[sineala]

The Old Guard

This post comes to you courtesy of the generous support of one of my Patreon patrons, who wanted to know what I thought of The Old Guard. This post contains some spoilers for both the movie and the comics.

So, a few days after it came out, my wife and I watched The Old Guard on Netflix. Tumblr had said a bunch of good things about it, and both of us basically cut our fannish teeth on Highlander fandom so we already had an automatic buy-in for a story about immortals. I knew it was based on a comic by Greg Rucka, but I had not, at the time, read the comic, although I am now reading it in order to write this post.

The premise of the film is as follows: a four-person team of immortals (Andy, Joe, Nicky, and Booker) makes a living hiring themselves out as mercenaries, fighting for causes that they believe are right. They are successful at this basically because their grasp of tactics appears to be (1) die, followed by (2) come back to life and (3) murder your attackers who are no longer paying attention to you because they think you're dead. Honestly, at this point, you wouldn't really need to be very good at the actual fighting part, I would think, but the film establishes that all of them are -- especially Charlize Theron as Andy -- because presumably it wants you to watch action sequences of everyone being badass, which they are. So, yeah. They take all the good-guy mercenary jobs that no one else can do because it would kill them, which is not a problem for them!

Anyway! The group's routine is interrupted by two major events: the discovery of Nile Freeman, a new immortal, who is a Marine serving in Afghanistan who survives getting murdered; and also the fact that one of their employers, Copley (played by Chiwetel Eijofor, whom you may remember as Mordo in Doctor Strange) has sold them out to the movie's Actual Villain, a Big Pharma CEO named Merrick (played by the guy who played Dudley in the Harry Potter series), who has (as far as I can tell) been given instructions to play this role just like he's Martin Shkreli, who is interested in finding the secret of their immortality, and whom you can tell is evil because he has his name in giant letters on the side of his building.

ME: Look, it's the villain! I've found the villain! MY WIFE: Other than Tony Stark, who actually puts their names on buildings like that except villains? It's just villains, right? ME: Uh. The president? The president definitely does that. (We make horrified faces at each other.)

Because we are Extremely Pedantic, we also spent a lot of time picking at how the characters' names and language abilities match up to their stated background. They all know a lot of languages, as you might expect, and the movie was determined to get through them without subtitles, which is an interesting choice but also kind of left some linguistic plot holes.

For example, Joe and Nicky claim to have met each other in the Crusades, with Nicky as (presumably) a Crusader and Joe as (presumably) a Muslim occupant of the area, although the movie doesn't specify this; Wikipedia gives Joe's name as Yusuf Al-Kaysani, which would at least fit that. Nicky is clearly Italian (as is Luca Marinelli, the actor who portrays him) and when he speaks Italian to the rest of the group we see that he definitely speaks modern Italian as spoken in Rome... which is absolutely, definitely not the language he grew up speaking, given that, among other things, Wiki lists the character's full name as Nicolò di Genova. I don't know if the writer of the screenplay (who I see now is also Greg Rucka) didn't know how much Italian dialects had changed in the last thousand years, if he thought that was good enough to be a nod to the character, or if there's some kind of backstory that didn't make it in where every so often Nicky decides to learn a modern dialect and keep his hand in, and also decides that that's the language he wants to use among his friends who would presumably understand several different dialects.

Also, the reveal that Andy's real name was in fact "Andromache of Scythia" was indeed badass but was slightly undercut by my wife yelling BUT THE SCYTHIANS DIDN'T SPEAK GREEK at the television.

Additionally, I feel like the movie could perhaps have been aware of the ways it chose to label on-screen locations, in which the countries were spelled out in large fonts with the cities above them. Places like LONDON, ENGLAND got their entire names spelled out, as did small French villages whose names I can no longer remember, but I guess AFGHANISTAN and MOROCCO and SOUTH SUDAN have zero cities, huh? However, the end of the movie did take place in PARIS which I guess unlike London is its own country now.

So the actual plot features the group of immortals trying to explain this whole immortality thing to Nile while being on the run from the people who are trying to turn them into Big Pharma, who wants to capture them and exploit the secret of their immortality. This is where it falls down a little for me, because the worldbuilding... gets a little shaky. They dream about each other when they're apart. Okay. Why? Sometimes they just stop being immortal and lose the capacity to heal and are dead in their next battle. Why? Why do they even exist? I just... wanted more answers than the movie gave me, and the pacing where I kept expecting there to be explanations wasn't there. There were a couple of scenes where Nile sat there in silence contemplating the fact that she would outlive her loved ones and my brain kept trying to insert Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever?" Granted, the Highlander canon explanation for immortality is deeply, deeply weird, but at least it tried. No, I can't believe I'm defending Highlander II either.

The characters, too, could have been more fleshed out. The bulk of the character development is given to Andy and Nile, and I'm not complaining about that -- they were great -- but Joe and Nicky and Booker only got maybe a few lines each. They would have felt so much more real if they'd just had a little bit more to them. Also I didn't understand Copley's arc at all, but saying more about that would be spoilery. I do like that they have definitely set themselves up for a sequel.

But even with what we got, there's a lot to love about the characters. If you're here for canonically queer characters, you will enjoy Nicky and Joe, who have been in a relationship for probably about a thousand years. They are minor characters as far as the overall plot goes, but what they do have is lovely, and there is a romantic declaration between them at one point that is absolutely beautiful and possibly the most fervent love declaration I can remember seeing in a movie since maybe... ever. If you also like your queerness more subtextual, though Andy is never portrayed as explicitly queer, her past friendship with a fellow immortal Quynh was shown as very intense, as is the role she takes here mentoring Nile into the world of immortality. Also she has a double-bladed axe (yes, we kept yelling BRING ME MY MAN-KILLING AXE at the television) and as we all know, the double-bladed labrys has in modern times become a symbol for lesbians. So there's that.

In addition to the characters of color who play important roles here -- Nile was my personal favorite, but there's also Joe and Copley and (in flashback) Quynh -- there's a lot of diversity behind the cameras as well, or so the internet informs me. The director (Gina Prince-Bythewood) is the first Black woman to direct a superhero movie, and the same is true of her editor (Terilyn Shropshire). And, furthermore, apparently 85% of the post-production crew were women. They didn't have to do that, and yet they did. It was nice.

I don't watch a whole lot of action movies these days because I usually find R-rated violence too... violent, but I found myself really liking almost all of the action sequences here. None of them felt gratuitous, and a lot of them really focused on the physicality of the immortals fighting in a way I liked, because I feel like people are probably going to fight differently if they know they can survive every single hit, and I think the movie portrayed that in a way that a lot of superhero comics and movies don't. My favorite fight scene is definitely the one between Nile and Andy at the beginning, when Andy has trapped her on a plane and it's extremely close-quarters fighting and also extremely brutal. They don't stop basically until Nile breaks enough bones that she can't get up anymore, because until then she's going to keep trying, which is both kind of horrifying and a great character note. And they didn't film it like it was a Sexy Catfight! It was so good.

Also, the soundtrack is really good, and I've found myself streaming it on Spotify all week. I didn't know any of the songs in the movie, but there's a lot of hip-hop and -- okay, I don't even know if this is a genre? -- specifically a lot of hip-hop with an electronic/industrial sort of beat, which I thought was really great and livened up the fight scenes even more; "Going Down Fighting" did a really good job getting me in the mood for the final confrontation with the villain, and... yeah, it's all good. Someone made a playlist on Spotify that will come up if you search for it.

So, yeah. It's on Netflix. It's not without flaws (mostly, explaining how the hell immortality works, and a couple of pacing issues), but it's a really satisfying superhero movie.

That's the movie. Onto the comic, which I am just now starting to read as I write these words. Whee!

So The Old Guard: Opening Fire is a 2017 five-issue Image Comics series written by Greg Rucka, with art by Leandro Fernández, and there's also a 2019 sequel, The Old Guard: Force Multiplied, by the same creative team, also with five issues. I have not actually read any of Rucka's work before now because he is mostly famous for his DC work, but I have heard good things about it, especially his Wonder Woman run.

Anyway. The art is very stylized, with a minimal color palette, and it's very pretty but I honestly found it hard to parse sometimes. Many of the characters have very weird noses. Yes, noses. It's basically mostly in Andy's and Nile's POVs, like the movie, and as far I can tell Andy is explicitly queer, because unless I am entirely misreading this panel in issue #1, here she is in bed with a woman in one panel. Whee. Also there are some nice epigraphs at the beginning of each issue.

Okay, so, the plot here is basically the plot of the movie. There is still no explanation of why immortality exists. But even so, there are some fun character moments that didn't make it into the movie -- for example, Andy saying smartphones are too hard to use and she liked the old ones better, only for the rest of her team to say that she couldn't use those either. I think you get a better sense of Andy's world-weariness in the comic. There are also other, now-dead Immortals mentioned, like Noriko, who "went overboard off the Horn." Quynh is not one of them; Quynh basically is Noriko, which is because they cast a Vietnamese actress who asked if her character could be Vietnamese too, which seems perfectly reasonable to me. But anyway, in the comics, she's Noriko. Weirdly, Andy's full name, as she tells Nile when they meet, is Andronika ("man-victory") rather than Andromache ("man-battle," in case you were wondering); I think the movie made a better choice because Ἀνδρονίκα has exactly two attestations in the Lexicon of Greek Personal Names, whereas Ἀνδρομάχη has all that shiny name recognition of being shared by the wife of Hector and also the queen of the Amazons and will ping viewers as a Greek name, and therefore ancient, even if it can't be the name she was born with. (There are five for "Andronike" and four more for "Andromacha" so they actually have about the same number of total attestations, as far as I can tell, when you consider the alpha/eta alternation in how various Greek dialects mark feminine nouns.)

(Yes, you totally wanted a review by someone who looks up character names in the LGPN. Don't lie.)

Plotwise, Andy gets all of the initial exposition in for Nile before they get to the safehouse, which Copley has already gotten to before they get back, so Booker is bleeding on the floor and Nile doesn't get to meet Joe or Nicky at this time, and I am also glad they changed that for the movie. But, don't worry, Joe and Nicky's romantic declaration is still in here. We also get Andy pondering the last time she was in love, with a human who grew old.

Oh, and we get Andy's age: 6,732. And by issue #5 her name has changed to Andromache, because what even is continuity? I guess Andromache is her name now.

So Nile finally meets Joe and Nicky when she rescues them and also, uh, that plot point where Andy might die? Totally not a thing here. Nope. And no "surprise! even more immortals!" end-credits moments either.

Basically, I feel like every change they made to the script for the movie really strengthened the story, and even though I thought the movie could have used more character moments, it's way better than how the characters are separated for even longer in the comic. Nile rescuing the team means a lot more when she has met them before, you know?

So Force Multiplied starts us off with Andy, Joe, Nicky, and Nile, because Booker is still on time-out. They are in the middle of a car chase, and Booker's off getting himself kidnapped by someone who wants to know where the others are. The villain of the piece turns out to be Noriko, who is still alive, whom Booker had never had a chance to meet and apparently had never heard of. So, basically, a lot like the Quynh plot that the movie is teasing.

Overall it's a little less action-filled than the first one, which had multiple splash pages of nothing but violence; this one is a little more character-driven and explores the relationship, such as it is, between Andy and Noriko, as well as Nile coming to terms with her immortality, as well as with what everyone else has done over the years. It does have a bunch of violence at the end, though.

I don't want to spoil the ending, but I definitely wasn't expecting where that was heading. There's apparently going to be a third volume, and I am looking forward to it, whenever it exists.

(Although, now that I think about it, the ending is a lot like a fan-favorite moment of Highlander: The Series, but I think if I said which episode you would know exactly what the ending was.)

So, yeah! The Old Guard! I can't say as I feel particularly fannish about it -- there's nothing that makes me yearn to fill in the gaps in canon -- but the movie was really good and you should see it. And you should read the comics if you're into that.

[janus-stanus]

It Seemed the Better Way

Rating: Teen and Up | Category: General, Angst, Character Study

Characters: Virgil and Janus, + a Remus cameo (and maybe someone else?)

Setting: Half when Virgil and Janus were around 10 years old; half in early July 2017, right before the Season 1 finale

Summary:

Years and years ago, Virgil came to Janus with a problem. They both swore themselves to secrecy. In doing so, Janus discovered his purpose. Now, as Virgil looks back on that decision, Janus comes to him with some questions. This time, they don’t see eye to eye. Virgil has to pick a side. He chooses neither.

Content warnings:

Imaginably standard for fics about Virgil choosing to duck out, but we get into his self-hatred and wanting to disappear

Homophobia (the characters don't literally experience it but the description of it is fairly intense)

Spider-related body horror, not much more extreme than Patton turning into Lilypadton though

And temporary possession

AO3 Link (13k words, one chapter + a short epilogue)

Because the fic is so long and mostly one part, I won’t be straight up posting it here to tumblr. Fortunately, you don’t need an AO3 account to read it. I will put the first ~1,700 words below the cut as a preview (plus the taglist). Since this is my first complete Sanders Sides fic, reblogs, kudos, and comments would be greatly appreciated! Hope you enjoy!

[props to @books-are-cool for beta reading the fic for me!]

Virgil had to steel himself before entering Janus’s room. It always unsettled him how empty yet cheery it was. The daffodil yellow walls and carpet, plus the faint scent of lemon air freshener, made him queasy, and there was nothing else to add any character or additional color. The one object that wasn’t a yellow-tinted carry-over from Thomas’s bedroom was the cushioned yellow chair Janus was currently lounging in. He seemed to have dozed off in it, still in his black pants, bright yellow polo shirt, and sparkly dark purple waistcoat. The sight made Virgil feel somewhat underdressed in his lilac pajamas.

The door shut behind him, and Janus’s eyes fluttered open. When he saw the intruder, dragging behind him a thin black blanket patterned with skulls, he let out a beleaguered yawn.

“Yes, Virgil?” 

He approached cautiously, rubbing his fingers against his safety blanket to calm his nerves. He did his best to block the clips of the evening broadcast from his mind for the moment. Instead, he forced eye contact with Janus, and, in a hushed tone, spat out the words that had plagued him for the past hour:

“Is Thomas gay?”

“…What? You mean, does he like guys? No, obviously,” Janus retorted as he rubbed his eyes. However, when he lowered his hands and saw the sincere concern in Virgil’s face, he paused.

“Are you sure?”

Present-day: Early July 2017

It’s a quarter past midnight, and Virgil finds himself in a paradox. His body has dissolved into jello and cries out to sink into bed, yet it turns to stone whenever he even thinks of leaving his post. His face sags like melting wax, but his eyes remain wide open, staring with laser intensity into the formless darkness of his room.

Usually, it’s easy for him to pin down the origin of his fatigued insomnia; some issue he blew out of proportion during the day, or a potential problem lurking on the horizon. Not this time. It was a good day. Just like yesterday, and the day before, and every other day in the past week. It’s standard for Thomas, and presumably the other three, but for Virgil specifically? It’s the first time in Thomas’s adult life that he’s experienced this level of calm. He could get used to it - if it didn’t come with the itching need to do something about it, to tear back the curtain and drag out the monsters lying in wait, to make himself useful. In combination, he’s left with a light, murky haze of apathy filling in the gaps where his emotions should be, creating the sensation of him slowly rising into the air. He needs to feel something. He wants to feel bad.

So he slides off the desk into the leather chair, closes out of the Evanescence playlist on his laptop, and pulls up the video that has rooted itself in the back corner of his mind. While it was uploading, it was the typical brand of anxiety that made it monopolize his attention. As Joan and Thomas had said, coming out was something you’ll never be done doing; however, this video was as close to a final statement of intent as anything would be. There was no turning back from here, no more lying hiding. And, even this many years on, he was still terrified of the fallout.

However, now that it’s immortalized on the web and thousands of unknowable eyes and ears have consumed it, with comments still rolling in by the dozens, the uneasy feeling wracking his body is of a different nature. Because they love the video, of course they do. The online community that has formed around Thomas never ceases to amaze him. Just a year or two ago he’d have laughed at the idea that he’d choose to scroll through the comments on one of Thomas’s posts, but here he is, once again proving his visions of the future wrong. It’s the most he’s smiled in years (though the competition for that honor has been more heated recently than it was for a long, long time).

He scrolls past multiple “I’m here, I’m queer” jokes, compliments for everyone who took part, proud declarations of identity, and allies sharing their support. Those all warm his heart, but the ones which make him pause are the uplifting coming out stories: people who opened up to friends and found they have more in common than they knew; people who gathered the courage to have the talk with their parents (not in the foolhardy way he had, god no, he has yet to watch through the video without skipping that part); people who found acceptance in their communities, even religious ones, even at school. And more than that, people, total strangers from every corner of the globe, who claim Thomas as an inspiration for them living their truths.

It’s those comments that trigger the uneasy feeling. That, and whenever the word “repression” resounds in his headphones like a high-pitched whistle.

Virgil lives in the negative. He deals not just in apprehension and fear, but in embarrassment, regret, and guilt; and he exaggerates each instance by his nature. But this whirlpool in his gut is the result of more than just one bad memory, one isolated failure. It was a chain of choices that formed the armor which has since fused to his bones; actions taken and opportunities passed over, things said and unsaid, truths suffocated and lies that gained a life of their own,

“You called?”

Virgil slams the laptop shut almost hard enough to shatter the screen. He flicks the desk lamp on, then swivels his chair to face the intruder, shaking his head a few times to part his bangs.

“...Janus.” Not the bad feeling he was looking for.

“You remembered,” he grins, an artificial glimmer in his eyes. He takes a second to adjust his capelet and ensure that the golden clasps on his shirt are perfectly in place. “Forgive me for the lack of professionalism, I had to take care of, a thing.”

From the way he says ‘thing’, Virgil knows exactly who he’s talking about. Some things never change. “You couldn’t have knocked first?”

“I thought we were beyond that point in our relationship,” Janus pouts, putting his hand to his chest. “You’re not going to kick me out, are you?”

“Depends,” Virgil responds, without missing a beat, as he pulls his headphones off his ears and tosses them onto the desk. “Why are you here?”

“To talk.”

“About what?”

“...I was hoping you would take the lead on that front,” Janus says, “You’ve always been so good at that. But if it’s up to me, I suppose I could provide a starting point.” He makes a show of glancing around the dimly lit room, recoiling slightly at the inexplicable smell of lavender and expired Halloween candy, before he locks his gaze on the anxious side with the most neutral smile he can muster. “What are your feelings on last month’s ‘Having Pride’ video?”

Virgil huffs as his body tenses. He wants to say ‘fine’, but then he remembers who he’s talking to. “In all honesty? They’re mixed.”

“Really?” Janus gasps, with all the subtlety of a piano plummeting from a third-story window. “I’m, quite frankly, astounded to hear that from you. Why?”

Virgil rolls his eyes. “Look,” he hisses, “I don’t know what you’re hoping to get out of this, but we are not going there.” He flips up his hood and spins the chair a full 180 degrees. “Good to see you, now get out. Maybe try again another time.”

For a moment, the room goes quiet, music to Virgil’s ears. Then Janus fires back, with words like daggers:

“If you say so. It’s all water under the bridge now. Just, don’t sit there and make yourself out to be the victim.” When he gets no reaction, he gives a final thrust: “I did it for you, remember?”

Virgil’s hands clamp down on the armrests. He tries not to say anything, to just let him have the satisfaction of having the last word and leave. But the last statement out of his mouth devolves into outright mockery as it echoes in his ears, begging to be challenged.

In the blink of an eye, he rises and sharply turns to face his opponent. “You keep on saying that,” he growls, leaning in with his arms crossed atop the back of the chair, “But you and I both know it stopped being true a long time ago - if it ever was true.”

Janus’s eyes narrow. He briefly flashes his fangs, but he bites his tongue. Instead, he plants one hand on the chair, as if throwing down a dueling glove, then shoves it toward the other wall. Virgil catches his balance just before he’s sent tumbling forward, his hood sliding back down.

“Apologies, let’s try that again,” the scaly side smirks. “You were saying?”

Virgil takes a moment to refocus his frustration. “How mature of you,” he mumbles (not that he should have expected better from him). Then he jerks his head up so he can drill his eyes into the snake’s as he continues. “I won’t pretend I wasn’t in on it to start, because believe it or not I’m better than that. Thing is, I realized later that it was a terrible idea, that it would only make things worse in the long run, for all of us. So I asked you to give it up. Did you listen? Of course not. And you never said why you couldn’t, you just-”

“Because you knew,” Janus cuts in, his voice sparking with indignation, everything else about him suddenly stone cold. “You knew exactly why.”

All Virgil can do is stare blankly back at him. While he waits for further clarification, he idly notices the dark smudges fading in under the other side’s eyes.

Janus cocks his head in turn, scanning every inch of Virgil’s clueless face. He opens and closes his mouth a few times. When he fails to find the words, his arm begins moving with a will of its own.

Virgil notices the trembling hand in his peripheral vision right before it lands on his shoulder. He takes an abrupt step back, and from the depths of his subconscious something roars, “Don’t you dare t-”

And it clicks.

END OF PREVIEW

If you want to read the rest, here’s the AO3 link again!

TAGLIST: (massive thanks to @the-taglist-repository!)

@smileyzs @robinwritesshitposts  @thatgaydemigodnerd @arya-skywalker @itsabsurd-and-terrifying @potatsanderssides @legendsgates @demoniccheese83 @rainbowbowtie @kieraelieson @star-crossed-shipper @a-fandom-trashdump @just-your-typical-trans-guy @idont-freaking-know @katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @royal-stormcloud @ananonsplace @ollyollyoxinfree @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun 

[pinkyshy101]

So I got bored and decided to type out a list of the cartoons/tv shows I’ve watched, cause why not! I think this is all I’ve watched, or at least recent enough (I’m thinking like…. 2014/15 onward, when I actively started to watch more cartoons)

It’s kinda long, and I’m kinda rambley, so I’ll put it under a keep reading thing (if I can) so you don’t have to scroll through that if you don’t want to. Idk who will actually read this, but hey maybe it’s an idea of what kind of things I might reblog on here! I’m always taking any suggestions for shows to watch, I love learning about and watching more and more cartoons! So if there’s something I didn’t list as something I watched and you think of be interested, feel free to please recommend it! I may update this with a reblog or an edit or something at some point in the future, idk though. For now, its September 19, 2020, and here’s what I got for ya

This ended up way more rambley than I meant for it to be but I started writing it at maybe 12:30ish am and now its almost 2am when I’m getting ready to post it so oops 👀 I’m not really expecting anyone to read this but hey, it’s something! Read if you wanna know what shows and other stuff I watched lol idc

Cartoons I’ve watched in their entirety (or what’s all aired as of today 9/19/20):

(updated 12/2/20 as starting with ATLA)

Gravity Falls - watched since late 2014

Steven Universe (including the movie and Future) - watched since mid June 2015, right before the second stevenbomb/sworn to the sword (early season 2)

Over The Garden Wall - watched back around when it first came out, can’t remember exactly when but sometime in 2015

Star vs The Forces of Evil - watched the first 2 seasons as they aired, then stopped watching for a while and rewatched the whole show in June 2019

Hilda - watched for the first time in I think October 2018, rewatched in May quarantine

She-ra and the Princesses of Power - watched all 5 seasons about/not even a week after season 5 came out, idk why I waited so long to watch it

The Owl House - started watching it after the grom episode aired, idk why I waited so long to watch it but molly and noelle and everyone was screaming about grom on twitter, so of course I had to watch it then

Kipo and The Age of Wonderbeasts - watched it all in early August, right before I watched The Owl House

Infinity Train - watched the pilot back in 2016, then the first season when it came out, but then I started college and didn’t get the chance to watch the 2nd/3rd season until I decided to watch the whole series (s1 again, 2/3 for the first time) this past week

Ouran High School Host Club - ok I know it’s anime not a cartoon and I can’t see myself reblogging anything from it but it’s literally the only anime I’ve watched more than like 1 or 2 episodes of/the only one I’ve seen in its entirety so I figured eh I’ll mention it

Camp Camp - I almost forgot to mention this one! I started watching it when there was I think only 3 episodes of season 1, so back in 2016, and I’ve loved it since then! I guess this summer’s season couldn’t happen cause of covid.... But I’m still excited for when/if it does eventually come out!

Avatar the Last Airbender

Shows that I’ve partially watched but not completely:

We Bare Bears - I’ve seen the first 2 seasons, maybe some of the third I can’t remember, I watched it when it first came out but I haven’t watched it in a while, so I would probably need to rewatch a bunch of it (I did rewatch I think the first season sometime this year? But it was while working on school projects so I wasn’t giving it my full attention), apparently there’s also a movie now???

My Little Pony Friendship is Magic - I was huge into the brony fandom from roughly 2013ish-2017ish, I’ve seen up to season 8 and a few episodes of season 9, and the 4 equestria girls movies, and the mlp movie; I probably know seasons 1 - 4 the most, maybe a little of 5, 6 and 7 are kinda fuzzy but I’ve seen them, 8 I watched over quarantine (since it’d been a few years since I had watched any of it, I also rewatched bits of 5-7) as well as I think the first episode or so of season 9, but I don’t remember them too well. I watched the movie (the pony one, not eqg) when it came out in theaters, and not too long after that I drifted away from the mlp fandom (tbh I was drifting a little bit before it came out, but I knew I had to stick in there at least until it came out since I had been waiting for so long for it). The equestria girls movies, I saw them all when they first came out (I even saw rainbow rocks in the theater). I think there’s like, half hour shorts or episodes or something?? That’s in the eqg universe?? But I don’t think I’ve seen any of them, and if I have it was probably a really early one a long time ago because I haven’t really kept up with anything after Legend of Everfree came out

Animaniacs reboot - I’ve seen the first 5 episodes and it’s nice!

Shows that I’ve only seen an episode or few of that I (probably) intend on continuing to watch:

Glitch Techs - I saw the first episode! Definitely want to continue it

Rick and Morty - I watched a few episodes of the first season in like March/April quarantine, but I was still dealing with online school at home finishing out last semester then. I think I want to watch this eventually, but I have other shows that I want to catch up on/watch before I’d get to this one

Tangled the Series - idk if that’s the name I’ve seen multiple names but I hope you know what I’m talking about, I saw a handful of episodes from the first season I think sometime around fall 2019, but I’d probably have to rewatch the whole thing

Adventure Time - I’ve never had cable/cartoon network so I didn’t watch this growing up, but I’ve heard really good things about it and seen a bunch of stuff from it (I’d have to be living under a rock to have not seen anything lol) but it’s so long and I just haven’t gotten around to it yet! Well I’ve seen maybe a dozen or so episodes of the first season but it was a while ago so I’d have/want to start over probably

Shows I haven’t started

Amphibia - I’ve heard it’s good! I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

Avatar the Last Airbender - probably next on my list to watch, I’ve been meaning to watch it for years but I haven’t yet, its on Netflix now so that should make it easier to watch and a friend from school made me promise that this would be the next one I’d watch so that’s what I’m doing (I did watch the last 2 seasons of infinity train that night though, since I was really wanting to finish it first… But atla is next) watched it! (updated 12/2/20)

The Legend of Korra - obviously I’m waiting to watch it until after alta, and I’m probably going to watch it right after I finish atla

The Dragon Prince - idk really anything about it other than I think it’s on netflix? and apparently it’s good and maybe gay idk but I’ve heard it’s good thus why it’s on here lol

Black Horseman - idk too too much about this other than apparently it’s good but also kinda depressing. Similarly to rick and morty I want to watch it eventually but its not insanely high on my list

OK KO - don’t know a ton about it other than it’s decent, a step up from r+m/bojack on where I want to watch it but not urgently

Ducktales Reboot - similarly to OK KO, don’t know much about it other than it’s decent, same level of want to watch

Milo Murphy’s Law - saw a couple episodes when it came out, haven’t watched it in forever so if I ever do want to rewatch it I’d have to restart it, not super high on my priority list though

Bee and Puppycat - another one I almost forgot! I don’t know a ton about this but I’ve heard its nice! Plus from what I’ve seen I like the artstyle so  👀 maybe someday

Animaniacs (original) - I started to watch the reboot and I think I want to watch the original eventually! Just haven’t gotten around to it yet

Clone High - listen it’s not that I desperately WANT to watch this, I just have friends who are like, hey, watch this lol it’s apparently not super long so why not

Other non cartoon shows I’ve watched:

Brooklyn 99 - idk when I started watching it, maybe around season 4/5ish? I think sometime in 2018 so idk the season, idk, most of the episodes I’ve only seen once so I couldn’t tell you exactly what happens in every episode but I still like it

Rise - ugh I miss this show, I started watching it after/around when the 3rd episode came out (end of March 2018?), and I don’t think I’ve watched any of it since it ended (mid may 2018) cause its not on any streaming services anymore :/ at least not that I know of but I loved it and would love to rewatch it

Andi Mack - I’d heard it was good but hadn’t watched it after it ended (early august 2019 I think I watched it), haven’t rewatched it since then but it was decent, I mainly watched it cause I had seen clips of gay but yknow it was alright

Sex Education - watched 1st season sometime in 2019, when rewatched it/watched season 2 when it came out January 2020, this is like WAY more mature than like anything on this list but like it has an interesting story

Love Victor - watched first/currently only season when it came out mid june 2017 (how was June so long ago what)

Queer Eye - I’ve seen a couple seasons of it idk I figured why not add it lol

Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist - I think I watched this around when there were maybe a few episodes of season 1 left (well there’s only one season now but still), idk I liked it cause like musicals and stuff idk

Idk what else to add to this section but if I think of anything (to any category on this list) I’ll probably update it later maybe idk (again I’m not necessarily going to be reblogging stuff from all/any of these but like, I figured I’d mention it cause idk)

Musicals:

Another thing I love is musicals, like I’m a design/tech major in college rn so yeah I like theatre lol so I’m going to list some I’ve seen (mostly watched bootlegs of, but I’ll list some professional/tour ones I’ve seen in person)(but if it doesn’t say anything special I probably just watched a bootleg, 2017 was a big year for me and my google drive being filled with bootlegs…) This might not be all of them and I won’t go into as much detail (I hope, I haven’t typed it yet) but we’ll see:

Broadway tours I’ve seen: (I swear this isn’t bragging they were cheap seats way up high lol)

Dear Evan Hansen (May 2019)

Wicked (first professional show I saw, October 2017, haven’t watched a bootleg or anything of it since then and I went in completely blind)

Mean Girls (November 2019, last professional show I saw before quarantine)

Come From Away (September 2019)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (November 2018)

The Book of Mormon (August 2018, was hoping to again this August but quarantine :( )

Non professional/high school/college/other shows I’ve seen in person/been on crew for (not all of them, but some) (assume I’ve also seen bootlegs/proshots if there are any)

Newsies

Spring Awakening (spot op)

Shrek (props)

Legally Blonde

I’ve seen done way more but I don’t feel like listing them or that they’re anything I’d want go reblog/actively look at fandom content for (that’s not saying it reblog stuff from shrek the musical but still lol)

Other shows I’ve seen only in proshot/bootleg form:

Basically every Starkid show

Spies are Forever

The Solve it Squad

Hamilton

Heathers

Be More Chill (yes I was in that big amalgamation of musical fandom stuff with these and deh in 2017 aaaa)

Falsettos

Beetlejuice

Spongebob

21 Chump Street

Les Mis

Phantom

(Again maybe not necessarily all but some there’s a slight chance I might reblog things about)

Musicals I still need/want to watch/listen to:

The Prom

Six

The Great Comet (not typing it all out)

Hadestown

Waitress

Bonnie and Clyde

Something Rotten

Tuck Everlasting

Again there’s more I want to see I’m sure but I haven’t really watched bootlegs in a while…. Idk feel free to suggest shows tho

Movies I’ve seen/like: obviously I’m not gonna just every single movie I’ve seen but heres a few I like:

The Sound of Music

The Wizard of Oz - these 2 have actually always been my favorite movies since I was little, I can’t dee myself reblogging much of anything about them but figured I’d mention them cause why not

Love Simon

Some but not all Disney movies (I grew up with no cable/mostly just pbs)

Most pixar movies?

I don’t think John Mulaney shows count as movies but eh whatever I’ve seen them on netflix

Idk what else lol I know I’ve seen more movies than this but eh

If anyone actually read all of this... Wow I’m surprised honestly lol have a free cookie or something for your struggles or smth, idk, thanks for reading this though lol I appreciate you (but also slightly worry, this was a lot of words and a lot of rambling)