#it felt apt to write them today lol

[loganslowdown4]

Roman: Wha- and just WHAT do you think you’re wearing?

Virgil: Uh, a hoodie and jeans… like always-

Roman: We’re going to a wedding!

Virgil: Yeah, and..?

Roman: It’s our wedding!!

[mania-sama]

april fic recs!

so sorry there aren't that many fics on the list this month! i've been pretty busy (traveled across the globe, lots of schoolwork, finals), so i haven't had much time to read any fics. however i finished school literally on the last day of april so i should have a lot more free time now! may should be looking a little more full lol

organization:

➼ fandom

✎ [Fic Name] by [Author] ❧ rating, word count (in progress tagged if work is not completed) ❧ relationship tags ❧ my description/notes ❧ Quotation

featured fandoms: 9-1-1 | marvel cinematic universe | twenty thousand leagues under the sea

more of my fic recommendations: january | february | march | may

➼ 9-1-1

✎ a leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things ❧ not rated, 11.1k ❧ evan "buck" buckley/eddie diaz, evan "buck" buckley & christopher diaz & eddie diaz ❧ i am once again reccing the most kudo'd fic for a fandom, but can you blame me? this fic is phenomenal. it's giving voltron fandom langst in the best way possible. there is a certain feeling to being beaten down and, instead of getting back up, you lay there for a second. you know you will get back up, eventually, maybe, but just for a moment, you keep your cheek on the ground and let nose breathe in the dirty concrete. you lay there and feel your pain and let yourself bleed, for just a moment. that's what this fic is. it's also brilliantly written, of course. everything from the dialogue, the actions, and the characterizations feels like it was ripped straight out of a deleted episode of the show. the author just understands these people like no other. and because of that, they ended up writing a story that felt eerily familiar to the early plot beats of season 4 before it s4 came out. their OC military vet in the story was also amazing; i could read a fic dedicated to just his and buck's interactions. ❧ The other man raises his hands. “Sorry, when I see someone running at 3 in the morning like the devil’s running after them, I assume they’ve seen action.”

✎ This Old Man Thought It Weak by orphan_account ❧ mature, 27.3k ❧ evan "buck" buckley/eddie diaz ❧ i am really impressed by this fic. it takes an approach to eddie's parents that i really like. often in 9-1-1 fics, i've found that people tend to demonize eddie's parents a bit. which is a fine interpretation, but this fic takes a bit of a twist. they really are just parents, and eddie was once a kid that took in every microexpression, every word, every movement, and copied it into his own person, as a child is apt to do. it affects his adulthood, where he finds it hard to relax and let go because, although unintentional, the upbringing his parents had affected his upbringing, and his upbringing is affecting his child's. it's a cycle of accidents. and then there is his understanding of therapy, where he's a bit angry and a bit upset and a bit unwilling, but frank won't let him go. frank is kind of the goat in this. anyway, it's a great reflection on the subtle impressions that life has on you. ❧ “Frank, I’m starting to think you want something to be wrong with me today.”

✎ What's Died Will Never Stay Dead by HMSLusitania ❧ teen and up, 3.3k ❧ fire fam, evan "buck" buckley & bobby nash, evan "buck" buckley/eddie diaz, athena grant/bobby nash ❧ while i did immensely enjoy this fic and am reccing it for what it is, i'm also choosing this one somewhat to recommend all of HMSLusitania's 9-1-1 works. because they are absolutely great. i haven't read them all, but i've been making my way through them, and to say that i've enjoyed myself would be a grand understatement. so if you like buddie and you like 9-1-1, read their works and i promise you will not be disappointed. but anyway; of the works i've read by this author, this one has been my favorite. it's a creative take on the movie The Old Guard, which is basically just a movie where a bunch of people who can die but not really fight a bunch of this. the author essentially applies the concept to 9-1-1 canon, and it is. REALLY cool. the loneliness bobby feels for being the only immortal, only one alive for hundreds of years, with no one to turn to; to then finding a family that can live like him. or rather, die like him. talking about it anymore will lead to spoilers, but the fic overall captures emotions and reframes canon scenes to fit the au SO WELL it actually astonishes me. absolutely phenomenal work and i was so entertained by it. found family always wins. ❧ Spending an eternity with people you love isn’t a curse

✎ Keeping It Quiet by bellabrady ❧ general audiences, 3.2k ❧ evan "buck" buckley/eddie diaz ❧ just a really cute and funny fic where buck, KNOWING he's terrible at hiding anything, tries to avoid talking to eddie in fear of blurting out that he's in love. but he's also really bad at that, too. the whole thing is a little ridiculous and very endearing, and also feels like something that could, potentially happen in the show if the writers were feeling a little silly goofy. ❧ His current strategy is to just switch rooms as often as possible, so Eddie can’t follow him fast enough. It’s not really working.

➼ marvel cinematic universe

✎ Friends Don’t by SunsetMaiden ❧ teen and up, 43.8k (in-progress) ❧ james "bucky" barnes/sam wilson ❧ THIS SERIES IS FCKING FUNNY. it will probably be in progress until the day the author dies, but that is for the best. i wanna keep reading the way these two dance around each other like their lives and everyone being exasperated. it makes me laugh everytime. the author comes up with a new ridiculous conversation or event that sam and bucky go through, act incredibly gay towards each other, and then pretend it's all normal. and then, everyone around them going, "?????." it's amazing every single time and it makes me laugh. it's borderline crack, except for the one or two where it gets a little bit into the feels. fingers crossed that the series does complete with them finally pulling themselves together, but i am content with anything the author does. my favorite fic of the series is probably "Friends Don't Wear That Shade of Green" because sharon is so unabashedly horny and deviously so, but they are all great. ❧ "You already are Sammy, Sammy,” Bucky returned, sounding so damn fond that Sarah wondered how much longer this nonsense could go on. She’d never understood that poorly drawn ‘now kiss’ meme until Bucky followed Sam home.

✎ sharing a drink they call loneliness by midnightdragons ❧ general audiences, 6.7k ❧ james "bucky" barnes & sam wilson ❧ MIDNIGHTDRAGONS MY LOVE....... everytime they post a new sambucky (always read as platonic or romantic for reader pleasure) fic, an angel gains its wings. to be clear, they do always right with a focus on bucky. in this one, bucky struggles (like usual). and it's a banger 6 thousand words of him coming to understand that he doesn't want to be alone anymore, and it's 6 thousand words of sam subtly telling him he doesn't have to be alone anymore, and it's 6 thousand words of bucky realizing that sam is a little alone, too, despite his family being alive and despite being captain america. also he has a panic attack for good measure, and i like the way this author writes panic attacks. they just know. they posted a thunderbolts* sambucky fic today and i am very excited. i was WAITING for the fic to drop actually. it most likely will be on may's fic rec list. :) ❧ Not having to talk to anyone was nice, but . . . he found that he really didn’t like being alone, and there were only so many nights he could spend reclined in the seat of his car, unable to sleep because of the ache in his chest, before he admitted that to himself.

➼ twenty thousand leagues under the sea

✎ A Tale of Land and Sea by Mr_Pinniped ❧ mature, 6.0k ❧ conseil/ned land ❧ you know, i read this book, and i thought that ned land and conseil were a little fruity, so i went on to ao3 to see what i could find. and oh boy. i found THIS series. i cannot describe. what this series makes me feel. it's glorious. it's funny. it's honestly so good that it makes me sad. it is LITERALLY as if jules verne wrote the fics himself. it's goofy. it's serious. it's written in this 19th century language for no apparent reason other to match the book series, and damn does the author do it well. i hope to god they continue this fic where these two get married on land or something because i would literally sell my soul for it. JUST ONE MORE FIC. JUST ONE MORE OKAY. all of the titles are a nomenclature classification of a certain marine animal or fish, and i absolutely adore it. it's so cute and so in line with the book. i would also like to use this opportunity to say that i usually go onto ao3 just to see what's out there and maybe read a fic or two of ANY movie/tv show/book i consume. and that is how we come upon this delightful series ❧ Conseil’s hands were small, and his fingers slender.  The ring would probably fit him.

[marciabrady]

Idk if it's a generation thing with zoomers being clueless about what the Disney fandom was like before they got into it but I've seen so many people deny that anyone was ever presenting faux feminist critiques of the princesses, esp Walt's girls. But I don't even understand why they deny it, it's become a huge phenomenon you still see today and it takes only 5 seconds to use Google and find thousands of articles, memes, videos, comments, etc calling the girls weak and sexist. I feel it stems from these fans just not caring about the particular princesses who tend to be hated on and don't notice the unfair hate because their focus has always been on the popular, safe princesses (ie Mulan or Moana or whoever). If any of that makes sense lol. Just wondering your thoughts!

There's a very apt characterization of what occurred and it definitely comes down to a few things. The first being that a lot of these people didn't really have a strength of sentiment, one way or the other, for the original girls and just kind of assumed and inherited a lot of the misogynistic undercurrents in those contemporary, popular social criticisms that were parading around as feminism. I think a lot of those people pretended to have that passionate, spirited outlook on why Walt's girls were reductive somehow, while never really having had that opinion themselves. Most of those people didn't really spend much time consuming or thinking about their films, but did so because they felt it aligned themselves with being progressive or having a good social image.

There are some people that genuinely did seem to have seen those movies at least once and continued to carry that outlook, but it never really seems to be rooted in anything we see in the films themselves. Those people tend to just view every woman that was prominent prior to the 1960s with the same reductive paint-stroke and feel they were all victims of being socialized in a different time (which is so stupid lol if it weren't for the women that lived in that era, we never would have gotten the social movements we have today, nor the progress we have in each of them; but many people have told me "all woman born before the 1950s are inherently sexist because they're victims of what the system was like" which...). Then, there are people who- again- have seen these movies, but tend to condemn Walt's girls and pin them as a symbol of everything that was anti-feminist of that time, as opposed to actually judging them for the contents of their character. I'll never forget a book I bought at a used store called "Where the Girls Are," because it talked about female representation in the media and harked back to one of my favorite film titles. I was shocked when I read the book and it talked about how Cinderella in such shallow, mean-spirited terms. It brought up so many questions...the author writes that Cinderella had to be attractive, but wasn't allowed to be vain or spend a good deal of her film primping in front of mirrors- and I uploaded a good deal of screencaps to the contrary, but then it ran through my mind...if the author had been aware of that side of Cinderella, she probably would've condemned that too and called her materialistic or looks-obsessed. So it isn't really about what Cinderella herself did or was, but ultimately the author must've just held her up as an unfair expectation of what she, as a woman, was meant to live up to and made Cinderella a figure of all of her childhood frustration. That tends to be the case with a lot of boomers that grew up with Cinderella, and even kids today that write sympathetic backstories for blatantly abusive characters, like Anastasia; they emphasizing with her, despite all of her privilege and the atrocities she's committed, because she would be conventionally unattractive in our world and they project onto her what she must feel and what her lived experience would be, while discounting Cinderella- because she's conventionally attractive in our world- as being shallow or having privilege. It really is a fascinating study of how people view the world, which can be surmised through their view of the characters and how they react to them.

Which, and I have to make this note, but I'll truly never understand how Cinderella, the story about a female orphan who suffered abuse her entire life and continues to build a community and resources for herself so that she can escape and transcend her circumstances, has been painted through history to be a story about women being meek and staying in their place and being complacent and perpetuating so many patriarchal ideals about marrying rich and feminine beauty??? Especially when that wasn't Cinderella's goal, but the goal of the stepsisters who are always putting themselves in competition with Cinderella and are actively wanting to marry money and take a much greater delight in material riches.

[eemamminy-art]

Rambly story thoughts about my other wol, F'lihn!! She's not in the same universe as Leigh, so in her story Leigh is probably just like.. a normal guy in Ul'dah lol. But I had some new ideas about her recently and today thought of adding another one of my OCs to her story so I wanted to talk about it!!

First of all, I changed her look ever so slightly the last few times I drew her:

Pictured with Glassi in this first one 🥰 I had been waffling for a while on whether she just bound her chest or had surgery, and ultimately I decided it made the most sense for her to at some point in her story have surgery. A big part of her background is that she is running from her past and afraid to let others know that she's a woman, so she presents as a man to most people she meets but doesn't identify as such in private. I thought the leaf tattoos would be nice because it ties into purple as her overall color scheme, and also her tribe is from a Garlean occupied territory so I thought of the Roman motifs using leaves as like a nice way to kind of.. reclaim her homeland by putting flora from it on her body.

Here, I opted to give her a different nose and make her hair even curlier, and you'll notice I gave her a Garlean third eye as well. Which leads into the next thing...

In my initial draft of her story, she was just pressured to conform and mate per usual sun seeker tribal lore and that was her reason for leaving her tribe, but I felt like something about it didn't quite sit right with me. Like it felt a little too upsetting for me personally and kind of disingenuous for the way seeker lore works out in practice.

Not that it's any less dark what I decided on... 🥲 but basically, I had an idea that her tribe was being subjected to experimentation by the young Prince Varis. His grandfather may have invented magitek, but Varis was seeking genetic modifications to try and create a way for Garleans to harness magic. F'lihn's mother was one of the test subjects, with the intention of F'lihn coming out as a magical garlean but instead she was born a very magically apt but otherwise normal miqo'te-- save for the third eye which normally was only in full blooded garleans. So the experiment was regarded a failure, Varis was pulled away by the emperor for other matters, and F'lihn was left to grow up with her tribe as some sort of abomination-- half garlean, half miqo'te.

It made her an outcast in her tribe, it made her hate herself at first, then as she grew older she directed that hate toward Garlemald and the future emperor instead. Her echo awoke when she had a premonition of her becoming the next subject for experimentation and she got the fuck out of there, never looking back and changing her entire identity.

She traveled for a while through Garlean territories until reaching Kugane, then from there secured travel to Limsa Lominsa. There, she began ARR as the warrior of light, and also she would soon meet her gf, a failing but stubborn ship captain named Glazisil-- Glassi to her mates.

Glassi was my first OC in ffxiv but she never ever felt like a proper warrior of light. She's not very bright, she's loud, she's brash, but by gods is she loyal and stubborn!! She had been trying to follow in her father's footsteps ever since she inherited his ship, but Limsa is different than it was in her father's youth, and between the red tape around piracy, her own inexperience, and her inability to wrangle her crew all into one place long enough for them to have any amount of success, she's been floundering and just barely making by up until she meets F'lihn. She's totally awestruck and enamored the first time they meet, and she's the first person F'lihn ever really gets close to. Think of her like a golden retriever in the body of a pitbull, with a bad habit for swearing and drinking. (I wrote about them once for ffxiv write-- their first meeting, centered around her and her crew making bets after not being able to discern F'lihn's gender at first glance)

F'lihn would've begun her journey as an archer I think, trained to hunt like most miqo'te women even despite being the black sheep of her tribe. In Limsa she would discover arcane magic, and learn just how much magical ability she truly had in spite of being half garlean. Which would eventually lead to her becoming a scholar, but I'll need to work out details of just how that happens :3

It also gives me a fun dynamic to explore for her when eventually meeting Zenos, since they would share a father and have their connection spark due to that. Zenos obsessing over the sibling he never knew he had, you know? It makes it so much more complicated for her too, that she hates this place and these people with every fiber of her being but that there's reminders like this that she's connected to them in an inescapable way. And that she seeks ways to reclaim her own body like the body modification stuff I mentioned above, to try and deal with it!!

Onto the new thought I had today:

This is Aya, she's another OC I made who I ended up not doing anything with after I made her... but I had it in my head that her being absolutely huge despite being a female au ra was due to some sort of garlean experimentation as well.

So what I thought of today, was that she was kidnapped from sui-no-sato as a child (to kind of compound their reasons for being so isolationist) and taken to garlemald after the occupation of Doma, and then was experimented on to make her grow tall and muscular like that. They wanted her to be a super soldier but they underestimated how resilient she is, and one day she was able to break free and flee the capital. She's a gunbreaker, so I want to think she fled through Bozja and picked that up there, and eventually made her way to Eorzea.

Given they have a similar history and similar hatred for the garlean empire, I thought Aya and F'lihn would get along really well and become fast friends!! Another addition to the wol's entourage.

At this rate F'lihn is just gonna be surrounded by giant women... 😂 which I'm very okay with (and so is she lmao)

Slowly I'm developing this alternate wol storyline and I'm enjoying it!!! Much as I've built up Leigh and he's forever going to be who I consider my main wol, I really love all I've thought of so far for F'lihn and Glassi's story :3 I kind of had some hopes to draw the two of them for oc kiss week but I'm quickly running out of time, so we will see if I pull some things together last minute haha

[cultgambles]

Your Bday Headcanons

started writing this when it was my bday but then it was the next day already lol

btw it’s important to practice social distancing, so keep being safe, guys! luckily the bnha universe doesn’t have covid...

enjoy!!

word count: 821

Masterlist | Requests? open

Hawks

He already gets you random nick nacks on the daily, so he has to think really hard for your bday gift. 

It’s probably a piece of jewelry, since he likes shiny things

And it’s EXPENSIVE! MANS WANNA SHOWER YOU WITH ALL THE FINEST THINGS IN LIFE!

Hawks is also really good at attention to detail, so he would probably get something that matches your style really well. You know, not one of those ugly infinity necklaces lol 

You guys either share an apartment, or he basically moved in to yours. 

His M.O. is all play and no work, so I think he would definitely fight tooth and nail to get the day off. Maybe Tokoyami and his sidekicks can handle it. 

Hawks has never really celebrated birthdays, so he’s kind of at a loss what to do 

Luckily, your friends are here to help! A couple of your friends end up taking you out to get pampered, while a couple stay with him to decorate. 

They get your favorite colors for streamers and lots of confetti and balloons everywhere. They even rent a little arch with flowers. 

The cake! Very magnificent! Talking multi layer cake. 

No fondant tho 

All my homies hate fondant

Anyway, Keigo pretends he doesn’t know it’s your birthday, and just tells you to go have fun with your friends

You’re disappointed, ready to have a shit time, but when you come in the house at 8 you’re a bit buzzed and you really had a good time hanging w ya friends at the club (or wherever they took you)

All the lights are off when y’all come back to your apt and your friend pushes you inside 

“Hey what the fuck was—“

“SUPRISEEEEE!!!” The lights flash on and all your friends are there with confetti poppers, hawks in the middle.

“Happy birthday, baby bird,” he says, stepping forward to dip you into a kiss 

“Aww, Ke—Hawks, I thought you forgot me 🥺🥺🥺” 

“I’d never forget something as important as this! Don’t be silly. Let’s eat some cake!”

Keigo insists you open his present first.

It’s wrapped real prettily, you highly doubt he did it himself haha

It’s a beautiful necklace/earring set and he helps you put it on

All your friends gush how cute it is!!!

After the festivities, you’re tuckered out, practically laying on the couch with Keigo

He’s petting your hair softly, and whispers “happy birthday, baby. we’re going to spend them all together, okay?”

Dabi

Much more chill than Keigo’s, I mean it’s basically you and him against the world 

You wake up to the smell of bacon and waffles and eggs 

So good! Dabi’s actually a pretty decent cook, he just never uses his skills

The sun streams into the bedroom and you slip a pair of slippers on your feet

Walking out to the kitchen, he’s singing a silly song and you giggle 

“Doll, you were supposed to stay in bed so I could give you breakfast in bed :(“

“Aww, is big bad villain Dabi gonna pamper me today? He knows it’s my birthday?” you jest

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get used to it. Happy birthday, weirdo,” he rolls his eyes, and leaning forward to give you a kiss on the forehead

“Thank you, baby”

Dabi just hums in reply and plates yours and his breakfast 

You’re both on the couch having small talk and enjoying the morning 

Lazy day in general 

He gives you your gift at a random time during the day 

Your eyes are closed from just blinking or something and you feel a box being pressed into your hands 

Dabs really isn’t a sentimental guy but he really felt he needed to get you something important, especially because you understood him like nobody else 

It’s really cheesy, but there’s so much effort put into it 

It’s one of those surprise exploding boxes

Filled with pictures of y’all and some sappy written things

There’s a gift card to Starbucks/Fav fast food chain taped to the bottom of the lid—just in case you didn’t like the actual gift 

Dabi gets a really good kiss for that gift 

“It’s okay?”

“Of course it is. I love it! I love you!”

“Here’s to (age), baby doll”

Later, he uber eats your favorite dinner and takes you to the drive ins to see a film

You’re cuddled up with a plethora of blankets and pillows in the bed of a truck (where did the truck come from? it’s certainly not his…)

It’s basically midnight and only a couple other cars are in the lot with y’all 

You even see a shooting star!

[thekrazykeke]

Title: Love Me or Leave Me

Fandom(s): MCU, Black Panther

Summary: Hate is not the first enemy of love, fear is. It destroys your ability to trust.

Warning(s): Insecurities, angst, fluff. Break up (temporarily). Making up and getting back together. 

Permanent Tags: @hairhattedhooligan @lucidaquarian @tntnv @keya168 @ohmyfuriosa @supremethunda @melannchoholic @lauureeen @elaindeereads @autumn242 @radiant-des​ @strawberryscat @wikiwakanda @lovemekaycee @managingmischiefdaily @gothambrat @babybluepeaches @misspooh @muse-of-mbaku @determinednot2fall @maddiestundentwritergaines​​ @me-a-hopeless-romantic​ @thisseptemberxstarrs @yoyolovesbucky @bellasoulchild​ @aj3684​ @thesweetlifeoflaney​ @renatas10​ @cat2799​ @lettytheletdown​ @izraahh1​ @mychemicalimagines​ @sugahoneydew​ @yourfavoritefavorite @bonita-juanita​ @curls-and-crosses​ @golden-girl19​ @my-my-15​ @wildeespirit @billiethekyd​ @enigmaticaphrodite​ @theesotericqueen​ @donut-crazs​ @itsmegabaminooo​ @theunsweetenedtruth​ @blackpantherimagines @thadelightfulone​ @chaneajoyyy

Dedicated to @supremethunda because we brainstormed on it while at work and I was like ahh this is lit and she was like lol ;) yep and I was like ahhh I need to write this nooooooooooow and she was like i’ll be waiting. 

It’s been a long day for me. But here we are.

Rest in Power Chadwick, the King will be remembered. 

~

There’s no mistaking the fact that you love your man. 

He’s sweet and a gentleman. Steady in all his endeavors, unbelievably intelligent and graceful, yet at the same time, humble. But even with all those qualities, its not a lie to admit that he also got on your damn nerves with his obtuse and oblivious behavior to certain subjects or, more specifically, people. 

“You know what, T’Challa, if you’re not going to at least listen to my opinion--” You began, voice already tired. Tired of repeating yourself and having this conversation one too many times.

Before you could finish your sentence fully, T’Challa cut you off. You side eyed him in disbelief, almost rearing back in offense by the out of character behavior. 

“I am not saying I do not listen to or value your opinion, [Your Name] but my love, you are not listening to me, either. You’re being unreasonable and jealous for imagined slights--���

Since he cut you off first, you felt like being petty right now. “It’s not ‘imagined’!” You retort sharply. “I don’t like the two of you being alone in a room together with Nakia and I’m not there, especially since y’all were ex lovers. Can you not come down from your high horse long enough to see why I would have a problem with that?”

T’Challa’s brow furrowed and he was about to say something but you held a hand up in front of his face. 

“Stop the car.” You order, face forward, gaze resolute. 

“[Your Name]...” T’Challa’s voice became softer, pleading. 

However, you are not in any type of mood to hear it right now. “T’Challa, stop the car. Stop this car right now or swear to God...!” Your voice rose several decibels towards the end of your sentence, you were almost shouting, practically.

Thankfully, T’Challa listened to you this time. 

The car pulled to a slow stop at the curb of a sidewalk. There’s a bus stop station right across the street. Without any hesitation, you unbuckle your seatbelt, hand on the door handle, about to get out. 

T’Challa placed a hand on your wrist. “[Your Name], please. At least let me drive you back home.”

You pulled away without difficulty; T’Challa never held you hostage. Getting out of the car, you closed the door back quietly, instead of slamming it in frustration like you really wanted to. “Don’t worry about me. I know how to take care of myself.” You state simply. “And apologize to your family for me.” You let out a scoff-like laugh. 

“Although I’m sure it’ll be fine, you’re good at coming up with excuses.”

Then you walked away.

For a moment, you thought that T’Challa would get out the car and chase you down like some sort of romantic lead out a movie, but no. T’Challa wasn’t that type of person. He respected boundaries and although he could be stubborn, he tried not to force his way into everything. 

You were half way down the street before you dared to look back and when you saw that T’Challa was indeed driving off, leaving you behind, those tears that you’d so valiantly tried to hold back the entire argument finally, finally fell down your face and cheeks unchecked.  

Today is your and T’Challa’s nine month anniversary and he’d planned to introduce his family to you over dinner. Obviously, things had gone pear shaped. Thinking about it all again only made you more miserable, and the crying that you were doing made it pretty much impossible to see in front of you. Pausing, you sniffled piteously, reaching into your clutch and pulling out your cellphone, dialing your best friend’s number.

~

T’Challa is unhappy. 

It’s clear in his demeanor as he hands the keys to the valet and allows the man to take his car to be parked. He enters the establishment his mother had chosen with barely a thank you to the maître d' who directed him to his family’s table. 

N’Jadaka notices his approaching at once, followed closely by Shuri. 

He just barely manages to sit down before what he feared would happen happens. 

“So, you was supposed to be bringin’ ya girl to this...” Here he crooks his fingers. “‘Family dinner’. I only see you though.” And then he makes a show of looking around. “Unless she had to go the bathroom real quick...” N’Jadaka remarks, playing with a buttered roll, tearing it into bite sized bits.

“[Your Name] won’t be joining us this evening.” T’Challa states simply. That should be the end of the conversation, he even picks up the menu the waitress sat down at his side, careful not to lean too far into his personal space or otherwise be obtrusive.

“But I like her!” Shuri butted into the conversation with a pout. “Why isn’t she here?” There’s genuine puzzlement in her tone and that works to soothe most of T’Challa’s irritation. 

“It is...complicated.” T’Challa phrases delicately. 

N’Jadaka snorts. He chews on his bread, one side of his cheek bloated not unlike a squirrel, and then he reaches out for the pitcher of water at the center of the table, pouring some in his glass. “That’s code for I dun fu--”

“N’Jadaka.” With just a simple chastising gaze, that made N’Jadaka instantly quiet and he drank his water without further comment. “Regardless of the absence of [Your Name], this is still a family dinner that we will enjoy.”

It’s a command. 

And everyone, even T’Challa, murmured their obedience. 

The dinner goes pretty well, even with the absence of his most cherished one. He talks science with Shuri, fends off N’Jadaka’s drinking challenges, and instead asks after his progress with his self-appointed task of being a spoke person at local black community centers, etc. 

Naturally, it cannot stay this content. 

Eventually, inevitably, the whole sordid truth and why [Your Name] isn’t there comes tumbling out of him due to his mother’s careful prodding. 

“I don’t understand why she cannot understand that Nakia and I are just friends now.” T’Challa complains, confusion and hurt lacing his tone.

N’Jadaka snorted. “You just said answered your own question, bruh.”

“I did not.” T’Challa refuted. “And do not call me ‘bruh’, you know I hate that!” He tacked on belatedly.

N’Jadaka squinted his eyes. “When a man and a woman get together...” 

“Enough, umtshana.” T’Challa turned his gaze to his mother and she looked at him with fondness, but there was also minute exasperation in her expression, directed at... him? 

Before he could ask what he had done wrong to upset her so, she spoke. 

“T’Challa, my son. I love you, but [Your Name] has a right to be upset.”

T’Challa frowned, lips parting, about to object but she raised a single hand in an elegant motion and he subsided.

“Your father and I raised you to treat all women with gentleness and respect. To not dismiss or discourage, and otherwise limit any and all attempts to damage her self-worth. However, we were not clear enough in our educating you, I see.” 

It was with herculean effort that he remained silent. 

“’All women being treated equally’ is a rule that must be bended a little, especially when you have met the woman you intend to marry and yet, still have dealings with your ex.” Queen Ramonda lifted her champagne flute to her lips and took a sip of wine. “It makes you seem as if you...hm, to adopt the American colloquium, as it is particularly apt for this... ‘you want to have your cake and eat it too’.”

T’Challa’s jaw dropped. 

N’Jadaka, who’d taken a sip of his drink, simultaneously choked, sputtered, then inhaled, clamping a hand over his mouth to avoid spraying Shuri, just barely. Shuri, a direct witness to his foolishness, could only laugh at him without remorse as he leaned his head on the table, shoulders shaking. 

T’Challa and Ramonda ignored them both.

“So, she thinks... [Your Name] thinks that I still...that Nakia and I are...” T’Challa looked so distressed, like he was about to cry. “Mother, you know I would never!” The words that’s not how you raised me remained unspoken and understood.

“I think you know that, and yes, even [Your Name] deep, deep down, knows that, but does Nakia herself know that you have no intentions of getting back together?” Ramonda offered that little nugget of wisdom. “Let’s put the shoe on the other foot, my son. Hm, let me give an example...” Drumming her fingers on the table, she closed her eyes in thought. Then after a second or two, opened them again. “What if [Your Name] spent a large amount of time, alone and without telling you most times, with say... Lord M’Baku or even your cousin, N’Jadaka.”

White hot jealousy surged through him and he side eyed his cousin who smiled wolfishly, looking devious and ridiculous. For a brief moment, T’Challa’s eye darted to the steak knife on his plate before he shook his head. 

“...I understand, Mother.”

Ramonda merely smiled beatifically. “Good.”

~

The next morning, you woke up in bed, alone. 

Your head hurt, your face was sore and puffy from crying all night long. Plainly speaking, you were a mess and tired, maybe even a little hungover, since your best friend suckered you into getting drunk to forget your woes. It was tempting to want to text T’Challa and call him out for being a bastard and an asshole, like she was encouraging you to do, but you resisted, barely. You flat out rejected the idea to call an ex for a booty call. 

Despite everything, even suspicious of Nakia as you was, you ain’t a cheater. 

Although you felt bad and wanted to sleep the day away, you slunk your way to the bathroom and completed your morning ritual of a shower and everything else. Today was about comfort, so you dressed in sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt, yawning widely as you stumbled downstairs to where the smell of breakfast cooking.

You stepped into the kitchen and expected for your best friend to be the one cooking breakfast but it’s... 

Using your fist, you rubbed at your eyes, expecting it to be a hallucination. “T’Challa?” His name came out a confused mumble, but obviously he heard you. He sat a plate full of pancakes, bacon and eggs on the counter, grabbing a glass and pouring you a glass of orange juice. “What are you, what...”

“[Your Name], sit down, please.” He sounded so serious. You didn’t know if you could handle what he had to say. Wait, hold on, why should you be the one feeling worried or guilty. As you felt the last vestiges of sleep wear off, fully waking up, you geared yourself up, ready to blast him for just letting himself. “I know you want to take me to task, [Your Name], and I promise to let you, but only after you’ve at least had breakfast.”

That’s the moment that your traitorous stomach grumbled. 

Giving him the stink eye, you slunk over to the table. Sitting down, you accepted the fork he gave you with a mumbled thank you, then without hesitation or ceremony, dug in. You were hungry and the food was too good to be tryna act like you didn’t like it.

Once you finished and were full, you were happy. 

There wasn’t an urge to cuss him out...much anymore. 

T’Challa clearly expected that and after waiting for a bit for the chewing out, then realizing it wasn’t coming, tension drained out of him, slightly. “I would like to start this conversation off by saying that I apologize.” You rolled your eyes. “And I know. I know I’ve been...unconsciously belittling you with insincere apologies, and that’s inexcusable, one of the many things I’ve got to make up for, but please, [Your Name]...”

He walks around so that he’s standing in front of you, then he kneels down. 

You bit your lip and almost go to look away, but a touch on your chin stopped you. T’Challa gently made you look at him again. 

“I want you to know that I don’t want anyone else but you. I don’t want to rekindle what Nakia. That is over and done. It has been for years. You are the woman I want to marry, [Your Name].” Your eyes widen and he smiles in that soft, gentle way you’d been missing. 

There’s suddenly a lump in your throat and you feel a stinging at the corner of your eyes. Just as those first few tears escape, you hear him make a quiet choked sound, and then his scent is all you inhale as he stood up, wrapping you in a hug. 

“I know I hurt you and abused your trust. I know it’ll take awhile, but I’m willing to work for it. Will you let me prove it, intanda? That I can be a good man, and good to you, like you deserve?”

You hesitated for only a half second and then you nodded. 

“Thank you, intliziyo yam. I promise... I promise...”

Tighter and tighter, you clutched at each other. 

So easily, love is thrown away for things like this. Yet this time, just maybe, some unknown deity smiled on you both for deciding to take a chance and try again, to be brave.

[kaylaxwrites]

A Day in the Life

masterlist // ao3

Pairing: Frank Castle x Reader Words: 2700 Request/Summary: A glimpse into your domestic life with Frank and your daughter Annie. (aka the one where we just want Frank to be happy and peaceful.) Requested by anonymous: "can you please write some frank castle fluff ? pleasepleaseplease"  Warnings: mild language, pregnant reader A/N: did this end up being a rambling mess? I had no idea. but while I was writing, I got so many ideas for a domestic day with Frank that I had to stop myself from including them all. (if you to see them all, let me know lol) also I’ve never written Frank before, so please let me know if anything’s off or OOC about him. I’d love to hear your feedback! 

(ps send me your requests pls)

You woke up to the smell of coffee. Though your back was turned, you could feel Frank sitting on his side of the bed, probably reading a worn paperback as he sipped his black coffee. (“None of that fancy creamer shit,” he once told you. “When I want coffee, I just want coffee.”) You smiled to yourself as you burrowed deeper into your covers—the bed felt warm and safe with Frank by your side.

Your bladder wouldn’t let you enjoy the feeling for very much longer.

Sighing, you stretched deeply before sitting up and blearing sleepily at Frank. “Morning, baby,” you said quietly, running your hand over Frank’s bare shoulder.

“Shit, did I wake you up?” His voice was still rough around the edges with sleep.

“Nah, more like this baby pushing at my ribs.”

Neither you nor Frank intended on having more children, not after his past and your complicated pregnancy with an ex five years ago. But after seeing the way he took to your daughter, Annie, you couldn’t bring yourself to regret this happy little accident. You hoped Frank felt the same way, if the smile in his eyes every time he looked at your daughter and growing belly was anything to go by.

Frank set his coffee mug and book on the bedside table in order to place a warm hand over your stomach. “Baby girl givin’ her momma trouble?”

Another kick to the bladder had you pulling away from Frank’s touch and out of bed. “He is a pain in my ass,” you said, pressing a kiss into Frank’s hair. “Just like his father.”

You and Frank had a running bet on the sex of your baby. (Annie was betting dinosaur.) Knowing wasn’t a big deal to you and you didn’t want to be like one of those gender-obsessed moms on Pinterest, but it was fun picking light-hearted arguments with Frank. It made you happy to see him joking, to see the tension ease from his shoulders even slightly. You knew the idea of having another child weighed heavily on his chest, so you knew how big of a step it was for him to make light of the situation, for him to even allow himself to become close with the daughter you already had.

By the time you returned from the bathroom, Annie was awake and curled next to Frank who was reading aloud from his book. Annie’s huge pit bull of a dog named Hulk (named after her favorite Avenger as well as an apt descriptor) had followed and laid his head protectively across her lap. (For the record, Hulk was not your dog. Hulk was not Frank’s dog. Hulk was one hundred percent, without-a-doubt Annie’s dog. She found him scared, cold, and alone in an alley one day last winter and they took to each other like ducks on water. Hulk followed you and Annie home that day and refused to leave her side ever since.)

“Morning, Mommy,” Annie said sleepily, still tucked against Frank’s side.

“Good morning, Annie,” you replied, running a hand over her hair to smooth her bedhead. “You hungry?” Annie perked up excitedly at that and nodded her head frantically. “Why don’t you and Frank take Hulk for a walk and I’ll get breakfast started?”

Annie nodded again and Frank swooped her up in his arms, setting her gently on the ground. “Help me tie my shoes?” she asked Frank, her eyes wide and hopeful.

“Sure, kid, I’ll help you,” Frank replied. He smiled as she ran out of the room as fast as her little legs could carry her. Hulk trotted behind her. Frank followed slowly behind them both, but stopped to spend a second with you. He slid his hands down to your hips and pulled you close. You rested your hands on his biceps, leaning back a little to look into his eyes.

“You good with her?” you asked, unsure if he was okay watching her by himself or if he wanted you to go as well.

“Yeah, we’re good.”

Frank leaned down to kiss you, but stopped short when Annie called out from the other room. “Frank! I got my shoes on! I need help!” You let out a breath that was half exasperation, half laughter, leaning your forehead against Frank’s.

“Duty calls?” You chuckled.

“Duty calls,” Frank agrees, kissing you once more before stepping out into the main room, where you could see Annie kicking her feet against the couch. You smiled as you watched Frank kneel down and help her with her shoes. “What’s the first step? Tie a knot, right.” He tied the first shoe for her before having her show him how to tie the other one. “Attagirl,” he said proudly once she had finished. “Now go get Hulk’s leash, yeah?” Annie darted off again on her new task as Frank moved to lace his own boots.

You stepped to stand next to Frank, arms crossed, as you watched Annie try to figure out the latch to the leash. “You know she learned how to tie her shoes a week ago?” you said quietly so Annie wouldn’t hear across the room.

“That right?” he asked, peering up at you as he made his last knot on his boot before standing up.

“Mhm. I think she just likes asking you for help.”

Frank huffed, the corner of his mouth hitching towards a smile. And—was that your imagination or did he have a tinge of red across his cheeks? Before you could dwell on it further, Annie was in front of you again, this time hiding the leash behind her back.

“Hulk says he doesn’t want to wear the leash,” she said, rocking up and back on her toes.

Frank crouched once more to get on her level. “He did, now did he?” Annie nodded. “Well tell Hulk if he wears his leash today, we’ll go to the dog park tomorrow.” Annie’s face lit up and she ran off to tell Hulk the news. How this girl was so active this early in the morning, you’d never know. It was barely seven on a Saturday morning and she was already bouncing off the walls.

You headed into the kitchen to prepare breakfast as you listened to Annie and Frank banter back and forth. A few moments later, you caught a glimpse of them out the window. Annie skipped along the sidewalk with Hulk dutifully trotting next to her. Frank followed behind, carefully keeping an eye on the little girl.

By the time they returned, breakfast was nearly ready. Frank’s plate with eggs, sausage, and toast was set in front of his seat at the table. You placed the finishing touches on Annie’s smiley face pancakes before fixing your own plate and joining the two of them at your little kitchen table. “How was the walk?” you asked, pouring Annie a glass of juice.

“Good!” She smiled, syrup already covering her chin. She continued to talk around mouthfuls of food. “We stopped at Mrs. Hall’s bodega and I got to pet her cat. Then she gave me a piece of candy.”

“Candy before breakfast?”

“No,” she pouted. “Frank said I had to wait. He put it in his pocket and said I could only have it if I ate all of my strawberries.”

“Well, you better eat up, then,” you said, pointing at her untouched strawberries.

Annie continued rambling on about the walk, mentioning how many pigeons she saw and who she said hi to on the street. By the time she had run out of things to say, the three of you had finished eating. You cleaned up her face and hands before sending her to the living room for some Saturday morning cartoons. The distraction would last long enough for you and Frank to do the dishes and, if you were lucky, allow you time to take a shower in peace.

Frank had already started washing dishes when you joined him and you took the dish towel off of his shoulder so you could dry them. You completed the chore with relative ease and in peaceful silence. Occasionally, you’d bump Frank with your hip, causing him to smile at you.

“Got any plans for today?” you asked, drying off the last dish and placing it in the cupboard.

“Not yet, I don’t,” Frank said, turning to lean against the counter. “Why?”

“I was thinking of taking Annie to the park today and maybe running to the store afterwards. I was wondering if maybe you’d wanna come with us?”

“Yeah.”

“Great!” You reached up to place a kiss against Frank’s bearded jaw. “Can you watch Annie for a minute while I take a shower?”

Frank ran a hand through your hair and returned your kiss. “Yeah, go.”

“You’re wonderful!” you called as you hurried into the bathroom.

The warm water against your skin felt nice and you were tempted to take longer than you needed to in the shower to enjoy it. But you figured you’d need to be quick before it got too late in the day. As you were rinsing out the conditioner in your hair, you felt movement against your stomach. Looking down, you saw nothing and shrugged it off. But you felt it again a few moments later. And you realized.

You threw the shower curtain open. “Frank!” you called. “Frank! Come here!”

Frank barreled into the room a few seconds later, nearly throwing the door off of its hinges. His eyes were wide as he searched the room, looking for a sign of danger or anything out of place. He was already breathing heavily. “What’s wrong?” he asked, stepping towards you.

As soon as he was in reach, you grabbed his wrist and placed it against your stomach, not even caring about getting the sleeves of his shirt wet. Frank stared at you, confused. He opened his mouth to question you further when—

Kick.

Kick.

“Is that—?” he started. You nodded, grinning. Frank’s jaw went slack and he moved his free hand to the other side of your belly. The baby kicked again. “I never thought…” Frank trailed off, staring deep into your eyes. Before you could realize what was happening, you were up against the cool shower wall and Frank’s mouth was heavy on yours.

When you and Frank stumbled out of the shower a little while later, you found Annie asleep on the couch. The TV was still blaring her favorite show. You let her nap while you finished your morning routine. Half an hour later, you woke her up and helped her get dressed while Frank took Hulk for another lap around the block. Soon, the three of you were in your building’s elevator and venturing out into the world.

“Now, remember,” you said, fixing Annie’s hat over her curls, “what do we call Frank when we’re outside?”

“Pete,” she quickly answered, sucking on her lollipop she received that morning. You and Frank hadn’t told her much about his past, but you made sure she knew (in a kid-friendly way) that bad guys were after Frank and they couldn’t find out who he was. She was confused, but usually followed the rule anyway. Thankfully, her slipups happened mostly when no one else could hear her.

After a short walk, you arrived at Annie’s favorite park. As soon as you entered the fenced-in area, she sprinted towards the jungle gym. You turned to Frank as he shut the fence behind you. “This okay?” you asked, taking his hand. You knew sometimes parks like these, filled with screaming and laughing children, could set him on edge and remind him of his family.

“I’m fine.”

Before you could question that further, Annie was calling for you. Well, more for Frank, actually. “Pete! Come help me across the monkey bars!” Annie was standing on the ladder, but the first bar was out of her reach.

You watched Frank walk over and picked her up so she could reach and smiled when he held her by the waist to help her across. Then Annie made him help her three more times. (She sure was bossy. Frank once joked, “I have no idea where she gets it from.”) Soon, she was dragging Frank by the arm to some other part of the playground. You followed closely behind, occasionally taking pictures of the pair. You laughed when she had Frank go down a slide that was clearly too small for him. You regretted laughing when you, too, were made to go down the slide. Eventually, Annie made a friend and you moved to sit on a swing to watch her play.

“You’re really good with her, you know,” you said to Frank. He was leaning against a pole of the swing set, his arms crossed, as he kept a close eye on your daughter. “I’m really glad you’re in our lives.”

“Yeah, only I shouldn’t be,” he muttered. “Everything in my life goes to shit—”

You stopped him short. “I’m not here for this ‘I don’t deserve any of this’ bullshit tirade. Annie adores you. I adore you. I don’t even know where we’d be without you. I’m so thankful you’re in our lives and I don’t want you thinking you don’t deserve every little bit of the good headed your way because you do. Annie and I will worm our way into your heart whether you like it or not. We’re here to stay.” You stood and wrapped your arms around his waist. He didn’t return the gesture, but he didn’t push you away either. “Please let us love you.”

Eventually, Frank lowered his arms to wrap around your shoulders. He remained silent, but you would take it. You hoped eventually he would learn to accept the love of your little family, but for now, you were willing to leave him to his thoughts.

As the sun drifted closer to the horizon, you decided it was time to head back home for the night. After playing at the park, Frank treated you and Annie to ice cream cones and the three of you spent the afternoon wandering around the city before stopping for dinner at your favorite little restaurant. You decided to forego the trip to the grocery store today, pushing it off for tomorrow after eyeing Annie’s droopy, sleepy eyes. At some point on your way home, Frank started to carry Annie. You smiled as she drifted off to sleep in his arms, face pressed into his shoulder.

Your heart warmed even further when Frank softly laid your daughter in her bed. He was so careful and gentle with her, it was hard to imagine him as the notorious Punisher. He slowly pulled her shoes off and you helped him change her into her pajamas. Once finished, he eased her back down on her pillows and brushed a strand of hair away from her face.

“G’night, Daddy,” Annie murmured, burrowing further into her pillow.

You froze.

Shit.

What were you supposed to say? What would Frank think? All of those parenting books you read years ago, and none had any solution for a situation like this. What were you supposed to do?

But Frank hesitated only for a moment before pulling Annie’s blanket up and over her. “Night, sweetheart,” he said, laying one hand on her forehead before standing and leaving the room.

After a moment, your brain finally caught up and you followed him out of the room, closing the door softly behind you. You found him staring out the window of the living room, hands on his hips. “Frank?” you called softly. You slowly walked over to him and ran a hand up his spine.

Frank sighed and ran a hand roughly over his face. “If-if anything happened to you, happened to her, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to us.”

He pulled away from you. “You don’t know that.”

“I do. Because I know you. I know you would give your life for us. And I trust you. You won’t let anything happen.” You paused. “If…if you want me to tell Annie not to call you that anymore, I will. Just… I know you think you should run away from us, but Annie would be heartbroken if you left. So, please…just give us a chance. I promise you we’ll be fine. Just stick around for us, yeah?”

“Yeah…” He stepped into your outstretched arms, pulling you close. “Yeah.”

dividers by @writeyourmindaway​

[firewoodfigs]

K for the fanfic ask game, please tell us your angstiest idea >:)

>:) what an apt expression, indeed! 

I’d say memento amare is pretty high up on the angst ladder. Like, I think the 7 chapters have been pretty tame so far - most of it has been a lot of set up and whatnots, but I’m really looking forward to getting to the ~ exciting ~ angst-filled parts :’) I’m going to refrain from dropping spoilers here but there’s going to be a lot of guilt from just about everybody’s ends. I just hope I do the characters justice - like, I love how complex every character in FMA is and I really hope I can write that out properly LOL 

Also, as I was mulling over the next few chapters today I suddenly had an idea for an alternate ending that’s... idk... somewhat tragic? I feel like I have a pretty high threshold of what constitutes tragic, so I can’t be too sure how this will affect the general audience LOL. I might have to bump the rating up to M for the alternate ending though, just in case :’D but that alternate ending (if it happens, and will be separate from the original one which I promise is a lot happier, though probably still somewhat bittersweet because my brain works like that) will likely open with lyrics from Lana’s Young & Beautiful. Not gonna pinpoint which line, because it’ll be a tad obvious, but the VIBE IS THERE and I am excited!! 

-

Another angsty idea I have is actually for a FMA/Naruto crossover of sorts? Idk if it qualifies as a crossover because I don’t intend to fuse alchemy + ninja skills together LOL it’s just... sorta inspired by some arcs in Naruto 😆 @lantur will know what I’m talking about because we discussed this briefly before xD and it’ll be pretty angsty because Roy takes after Itachi in many ways, and for everyone who’s watched Naruto we all know that didn’t necessarily end... well... And they’re both two (2) tragic men - like, they both experienced blindness at some point in their lives, was heavily involved in a massacre, and spent the rest of their lives living in deep guilt and a desire to atone for their sins. 

But Itachi, I think, has a more tragic backstory of the two because he didn’t have anyone by his side, though that argument could go both ways - in the sense that Roy has always felt like he’s the cause of Riza’s downfall, whereas Itachi did all that he did because he genuinely believed it would protect Sasuke. No spoilers, but also whether I’ll ever get around to writing this is a whole other can of worms altogether HAHAHA 

-

Yesterday I made a random post about a fic where Riza becomes Fuhrer instead because Roy dies (there was also the crack part, because my brain runs on memes approximately 95.8% of the time), and I think that’d be pretty angsty. Like, I think it’d actually be more tragic if one of them dies first, as opposed to both of them dying together, because they’d have to endure their shared burdens alone while their heart remains effectually claimed by the dead. I know this might appear to run contrary to the way she was depicted in FMA, but I think Riza would carry on if that’s what Roy truly wishes, because she knows that they have a job to do and probably won’t be able to rest easy knowing it’s undone. 

-

Thanks for the ask, friend, and for letting me rant about all the angst-filled ideas that have been rotting in my brain because I’ve been too tired to write them out as of late!!! 😆 I hope your weekend is off to a good start and that you’re keeping safe and healthy out there *hugs* <3 

[ttopswordvomit]

anger

march 25th, 2021. @ sonic.

This isn’t going to be super well written because I could edit it and edit it until I die, but I have decided not to care. I’m sitting here cross legged in my car at Sonic. It’s 9:42 on a Thursday and I’m just sitting here eating a Reese’s blast. I needed to leave my apt or else I was going to go to bed at 10 pm and this would all carry to tomorrow. No matter how bad I didn’t want to deal with it. 

I’ve had that feeling all day. Where the day isn’t really bad, I’m doing things that are good for me, but there’s that thing sitting in the corner. Festering so slowly and quietly that I don’t even fully know it’s there. 

It’s been hard to focus on work today. Maybe that was my sign that something needed my attention. Even now, I still haven’t cracked. Crying and shit. I think it’s because I don’t feel sorry for myself? I’m not just. Desperately sad. Maybe that means I’m numbed out. Which happens a lot so probably. 

I didn’t know what to do with this feeling. So what else is there to do but to push on and make the best of it? I wish I could describe the tangle of feelings that happens. I look at it and I only barely know it’s there. Much less what the hell is going on inside of it. 

I’m afraid of explaining all of this to Michelle. How do I summarize this feeling when I don’t even really know what it is? And I’m afraid that once we figure it out it won’t feel as big as it does. Like it’ll be chalked up to the things I can’t change. To the things I’ve been working on, that I should know by now. I’m afraid it’ll be dismissed. Maybe I’ve felt dismissed before. 

I feel like this hurts a lot. Like I’m not ready to have conversations or look it in its ugly face. I’m not ready to do the hard things it’ll require.

It scares me. 

It scares me because I know it’s going to hurt. And peace feels so far away. And especially now that I have a deadline to talk to my mother by... I feel so scared. Like it’ll never happen. Like I can’t possibly do it no matter how much I’ve told myself I can do it. No matter how much work I’ve done towards it. 

And this shit I’m avoiding.. it hits hard because it is so painful to know how absent my mother is. Realizing that the other day felt agonizing. The weight of it is heavy. And it makes me realize just how abandoned and alone I feel by my parents in general. It makes me so angry.

I see how far removed, detached, gone my mom is. She glazes over. She does it all the time. And I’m mad at her for it. I’m mad at myself for being mad at her for it, because I know it’s just her coping mechanism. That’s how she deals with things. I understand that. But it hurts me, and I can’t seem to ignore that yet. Because her coping skill leaves me standing by myself. 

It leaves me alone. Alone to deal with my feelings that I don’t even understand myself. 

I’m angry that she gets to just check out. Especially when I lived at home, I felt such a burden to deal with everything she chose not to. She used me to numb out. To pretend things were good. She used me emotionally to escape the pain of her divorce. And when that happened, I feel like I dealt with that pain alone. I couldn’t go to my mom. Not when I was carrying her weight. My sisters were all on different pages so that felt unsafe. I didn’t know how to talk to my dad yet. I suppose there wasn’t really a choice but to deal and move on. I kept going to school, I tried to pick up help around the house and with Stephen. My mom had never done the independent mom thing. She suddenly had a house to take care of all by herself. And me and Stephen. So I picked up the slack the best I could I guess. But that sort of backfired when I offered myself up as an emotional punching bag. My bad. 

I’m angry at my dad too. Because his physical abandonment hurts too. I’m glad he’s happy, I really am, but god. He’s so far away. He’s so far removed from the situation with my brother. He lives a totally different life. I don’t even know if he’ll be at my graduation and I’m assuming not frankly, because how weird would that be. Plus he hasn’t flown down here in over a year. That’s another thing. He’s good with me flying down there any time but he won’t come down here? I get it with Covid but. Damn. Why can’t he come see my sisters when he’s seen me way more this past year? They’re mad at him for it and I’d say they’re right for that. It’s shitty to not come see your other kids when you’ve seen me so much. I have the luxury of coming to California, they don’t. They have families and jobs. God I hate being in the middle of shit. And I always am. Curse the 9 in me. To see both sides and peacemake, and to be left alone in the middle with nothing. A curse and a blessing.

I think I’ll always be hurt by my dad’s distance. We miss out on the time we used to spend together. And it was a lot. Seeing movies, going out to eat, hanging out in general. He couldn’t come to my band concerts anymore. I don’t know what I wish for here. Maybe that he’d stayed a little longer? But I know he’s happy. So I don’t know. I guess it’s just always a little sad. Perhaps the way he left too was hurtful. One day I came home and he didn’t live there anymore. And from there he got farther and farther away. 

My parents are gone in their own ways. So far removed from the realities that neither of them can stand to look in the face. And I’m mad at them for it. Because look at my brother. He needs help more than ever and what do they do? My mom pretends it’s not as literally life threatening as it is. Her dissociation from reality puts all of us in danger, even though I believe she’s a good mom at heart. She approaches no situation with the gravity it deserves because she pretends it doesn’t possess that gravity. It’s dangerous. And my dad? Bottom line, he’s not here to do anything. He can say all he wants over the phone to my mom but she won’t listen. However it seems that as of recent his best advice is to “keep trying” and encouraging her. Which I guess is good in a way if she won’t take his suggestions. Idk. I won’t ever really know the truth of their private conversations. My brother won’t answer his phone for anyone, especially not my dad. So what’s he to do if he’s so many miles away? Which I still can’t excuse to a degree. Stephen is still his son. I get how hard it is to have any impact from that far away with a mom that won’t really listen, but damn, that’s your son. 

I’m just angry. Angry and hurt. There are so many repercussions from their far removed ways, and I feel so frustrated that my efforts to change that don’t even hold weight. I feel like I’m sitting on an island watching a fire burn in the distance. I feel abandoned and disregarded. Powerless. Pained. I can’t imagine how Stephen feels. And I’m so worried for him. I’m worried for my mom too. I genuinely want her to be happy. But the chaos she allows could get her hurt. And hell, I’m mad at her for allowing that. I want to scream at her to wake up, to care about herself and about her family. But she’s so wrapped up in her own misery that she dissociates and walks through life that way. Just getting by.

And for no reason at all, I can’t help but to think back to all the times I needed help emotionally. Especially in high school when I was so stressed and taking on too much. I would have a breakdown and if, god forbid, one of my parents saw it, they’d hug me and comfort me. But god. I wish they’d told me to drop an AP class or something. Told me to not overwork myself so hard. Instead it felt like... they just sat with me maybe like a friend would? But more removed than that. More distant. My dad would try to make light of it too fast. My mom would be so confused by my crying and try to offer solutions but. Something was missing. And I think it’s the fact that I needed some sort of... parent intervention? Some sort of reassurance that the number of AP classes I took didn’t define me. Or that my mental well-being was more important. I wish for those sort of lessons back then.

Writing has been relieving. Something about it untangles that web of feelings for me. It puts names to them and allows me to explore where they come from and what they look like for me. Maybe will try to emotionally release later, lol. Still sort of numb in that department, but thanks for listening. 

[shurisneakers]

espresso [8]

Summary: In which your best friend’s brother begins to set you up on dates when you mention that you haven’t been in a relationship in years, but things don’t go as expected.

Warning: swearing, angst (????), pining lol

A/N: surprise bitches i’m back but will disappear soon again for months at a time this is my entry for the exuberant @viktordrago‘s writing challenge (it took me like 20 minutes to find you kumi i2g) thank you to the best beta @samingtonwilson love u and our cinema boi  the fact that i had to fuckin gif this myself shows how desperate i am

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous part- Part 7 || Espresso Masterlist

Everyone has probably met that one person who is very different from the rest. Someone so profoundly boring, you had no idea you’d rather watch a tap faucet drip for eight hours straight than to ever be within a feet of them breathing.

That would be Vision.  

Vision talked like he had a thesaurus up his ass, smelled like mothballs, and had ideals much too similar to a less-funny, almost less-human Dwight Schrute.

“Hey birthday boy,” you excitedly hushed into the phone at midnight.

“Hey there,” he replied softly so you could nearly feel him smile through the phone.

“How does one more lap around the sun feel?”

“More or less the same. Hold on.” He paused for a second. “Yup, I feel normal.”

“You’re a bore, Bucky Barnes. You’re supposed to be excited or something,” you could hear Nat and Clint giggling about something in the room adjacent to the kitchen where you’d snuck to call Bucky.

“It’s just another day, my dude.”

“It’s your birthday!” you protested, filling up a glass of water and bringing it to your lips.

“Meh.”

“What do you have planned?”

“First off, bold of you to assume I thought I’d live this long to actually plan something,” he snorted and you could hear papers shift under him.

“How edgy.”

“Secondly, I’m sleeping till noon and I’m seeing you today,” He cleared his throat. “You all, I mean. The group.”

“Sounds ideal.” You took a large gulp of water before leaning on the counter.

“What about you?”

“Currently; an all nighter with Nat and Clint to complete assignments.” your eyes flitted to the doorway which you realized had gone quiet. You narrowed your eyes. “Other than that, I got nothing else to do other than your birthday thing.”

“Oh yeah, funny story by the way,” he laughed nervously. “I forgot to remind you that your next date is today.”

“Bucky I still don’t get it,” you straightened up immediately. “Today’s your birthday, why would you set me up today?”

“You’re busy through next week and then you have midterms after that,” he defended himself weekly. “And besides, relax. He said it’s an afternoon thing. He’ll drop you off before it starts.”

“Who is it?” you sighed, rubbing your temples.

“Jarvis; also known as Vision.”

You were silent for a moment as his name registered in your mind. “Why have you forsaken me this way?”

“Just give the guy a chance,” he chuckled, before yawning. “And remember, be at my place by five.”

He checked his rearview mirror again before turning his head back to the road.

You didn’t know if he was doing this on purpose, but he was driving at the slowest imaginable speed and you thought you’d reach the café faster if you just got out and walked.

He also happened to speak as slowly as he drove. “Can’t take my eyes off the road, you know. Road safety is a number one priority.”

“The world simply would not turn without capable drivers like you,” you murmured, sinking back into the seat that smelt vaguely of hospital-grade disinfectant.

The chances of you dying in an accident with him as a driver was much smaller than you dying of old age in his car.

He didn’t speak, a look of concentration as he made a turn at the curb, eyebrows furrowing in concentration.

“I thought Vision and Wanda were a thing,” Nat remarked, peering over your shoulder and into your phone when Bucky texted you. Regardless of the content of said text, you smiled anyway when you saw it was from him leading her to completely invade your privacy.

It was just a stupid meme anyway- something that he thought would be an apt goodnight message.

“Wanda doesn’t even remember him.“

“Ouch,” Clint winced from beside you. “That’s gotta hurt the dude in the feelings.”

“Assuming he has more of an emotional quotient than a potted plant,” you muttered grabbing your pencil from under Clint’s hand.

The three of you had assignments due next week, which you decided to do together over many cups of coffee and energy drinks.

“I’m gonna fail this stupid fuckin’ thing. We had to do a meta-analysis of this stupid novel and all I’ve done is watch the fucking movie,” Nat groaned, burying her head in the sheets right by your leg. “I can’t believe I paid a school thousands of dollars, which I don’t have, just to write a meta-analysis, which I haven’t done.”

“Get up, c’mon. You can do this,” you said, nudging her with your foot. She swatted it away, choosing to lie there.

“Nat, I’m too broke to make it rain at the strip club you’ll work at if you drop out. Come on. Let’s get this grade.” Clint rolled his eyes, prodding at her with his pencil.

“You’re so mean, Clit. I’d never invite you to my place of strip anyway.” She raised her head to pout at him but rolled over nonetheless to sit up straight.

“Strip club. And I told you to stop calling me Clit.”

“Whatever.”

As you pulled into the coffee shop eight hours later, you reached over to open the car door only to have him damn near hiss at you.

You reeled back in surprise, watching him shake his head vehemently and unbuckling his seatbelt.

“It’s dangerous out there, especially with those zero-traction shoes. Over 17,000 people die annually because of slipping and falling. Twenty percent to thirty percent of people who slip and fall will suffer injuries like hip fractures, or head injuries.”

”Zero to a hundred real quick, my friend,” you stated, nevertheless not moving. “I know it may not seem like much to you, but I do know how to walk. Been getting enough practice all my life.”

“This is a matter of life and death, Y/N. What if you slip on the sidewalk and crack your skull open? I’d be the one who would have to account to the officers about the lack of awareness when it comes to winter treading and it wasn’t fun the last time it happened,” he said, all in one breath, his head moving side to side furiously.

You stared at him, unable to form any words. Absolutely nothing.

He got out of the car, one foot at a time before slowly standing up and assessing his surroundings. Finally, he took one step forward before pausing and doing it again until he finally reached the other side of the car to open your door.

Wonderful.

“Be careful, don’t jump out too fast,” he commented, holding his hand out to you.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“It was made very clear to ensure your safety at all times. James was very, very–“ he looked like he struggled to find the words “—fastidious about it.”

“Oh?”

“Say, Y/N, why exactly is Barnes setting you up with such… specimens?”

“He asked if I needed help in finding someone ‘dateable’. I agreed.”

“Your reasoning being?”

“Why not?”

“Excellent logic.”

“I was bored, Clint. He looked like he genuinely wanted to help.”

“Why didn’t he just set you up with himself?” Clint twirled his highlighter around his fingers. “He missed a great opportunity to pull the greatest plot twist of the century.”

“I really don’t think-“

“It’s probably not the best plot twist. He’s making it pretty obvious with the whole intense staring and heart eyes and writing on your cup thing.”

“Okay, first of all, there is no heart eyes or intense staring or- wait, what writing on my cup thing?” you caught yourself mid-sentence.

“Clint!” Nat hissed, glaring at him.

Clint looked between Nat and you for a few seconds before letting out the most apathetic and monotone, “Oops.”

“You just ruined it, you shit-eating fuck hammer. Bucky’s going to kill us both and then himself when he finds out.”

The place Vis took you was actually decent. It was the nicer of the two coffee shops in town, the other one being where Bucky worked. Still, something was missing and soon you felt yourself missing the chipped tables and fake plants of the other joint. You liked it much more than the pristine white walls and cold plush chairs here.

“Can we get a table for two? Preferably away from the noise-“

You glanced around to pinpoint what noise exactly he was talking about but came up blank.

There were two people in the shop.

“-And away from the sunlight?”

It was cloudy outside.

“Also, could you reduce the heat, please? It’s rather suffocating.”

It was winter.

“Do y’all have tables in the restroom?” you asked blankly.

He blinked at you, expressionless, “The restroom is a goldmine for germs and particles of fecal matter. Surely you know that, Y/N.”

“I just- it was a-“ you sighed. “Okay.”

The waitress however was a sweetheart, and you made a mental note to leave her a good tip before you left. She led you to a quiet corner, meeting all of Vis’ demands before leaving you alone with the menu.

“I think I’ll just go with an Americano.” Lord knows you needed it after last night.

Vision let out a tsk of disinterest, eyes scanning over the card tediously.

“Coffee can damage your liver, increase your risk of osteoporosis, and increased blood pressure. Especially the concentrated form in espresso shots.”

“Oh bother, well, I’ll just have to take that chance.“

“I prefer tea; rich in oxidizing properties. It’s also a wonderful material for composting,” he continued, ignoring your statement. He snapped the card shut, smiling knowingly at you.

The both of you gave your orders before returning back to the non-existent conversation at hand.  Vision chose to keep his hands on the table in front of him. It felt like he was about to give you The Talk. He looked straight into your eyes, never faltering or looking away.

“So,” you dragged out the word, pressing your lips together when he didn’t respond or shift his stare. “What’s u-“

“Do you compost?” he asked suddenly, not breaking eye contact.

“Compost?”

“Yes.”

“I would, but I can’t-post.” You grinned at him, expecting a laugh or at least a groan.

“I compost,” he said stoically.

“That’s great, Vis. What else do you-“ you tried to veer the conversation in some other direction because you had a very good idea of where this was heading.

“I have my own compost. Have you tried making one of your own?” he asked simply. “It’s very simple.”

“I gotta say, buddy, I’m not wildly passionate about it right now.”

“Do you want me to tell you how to make one?”

You blinked at him. “I’m fine, thanks.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you.”

You screamed internally, smiling at him nonetheless.

It was 4:40. You’d be out of there soon enough.

“Why would you tell her that?!”

“What the hell are you both talking about?” you demanded, shoving your things aside and sitting up straight.

“How would I know she didn’t know?” he ignored you, instead answering to Nat, who was beginning to look somewhat like an angry parrot.

“Jesus Christ, will someone just tell me what don’t I know before I start throwing hands?”

“The shit James writes on your to-go cup every time you show up at his workplace.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” you nearly shouted to match their volume.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never seen them! They’re so glaringly obvious, he might as well be sticking neon signs declaring his love on them.”

“I have never seen any of what you’re talking about except the ‘Mario’ he writes.”

“That’s only one side. Haven’t you seen the other?”

“No! Why would I?”

“He writes really cute messages on them,” Nat said quietly. “Some of them are normal stuff, like “I hope you have a really beautiful day” the others are like small bits of poetry that I think he writes.”

You stayed quiet, trying to absorb this information as much as possible.

“It was pretty clear that he didn’t want any of us-“ she glared at Clint who finally looked a bit guilty –“to tell you.”

“I genuinely thought you knew. He’s been doing it for months now.”

“I didn’t,” you muttered, sinking back. “That explains the weird thing he does whenever I throw away one of the cups.

“You what?!” Nat screeched, leaping to her knees. “Why would you throw them away?!”

“Hey, I didn’t know!” you defended yourself, throwing your hands up in surrender. “I literally found out about them thirty seconds ago.”

“Can you imagine how shitty he feels?”

“Now’s a good time to stop.”

“Just watching the girl you love throw away things you’ve made an effort to make?”

“I’m going to kill you.”

“And that would be intimidating if you were… well, intimidating.”

“So once you finish one layer, you move onto the next and so on and so forth.” Vision stirred his cup for what seemed like the twentieth time and at that point, it was much more interesting than the shit coming out of his mouth.

He had been speaking for composting for what felt like a good hour, not allowing you to get a word in sideways about any topic that would be infinitely more interesting than this.

“Y/N, did you hear what I said?”

“What?” you jerked your head when you heard your name. “Oh, yeah.”

“Did you like a part in particular?”

Fuck.

“Loved the part about the… layers.”

“Layers are really the key to this whole thing, if you don’t have enough-“

“You know what has layers?” you said quickly, sitting up straight. “Onions. Ogres are like onions. What is your favorite movie?” if you had to hear him speak about soil and manure one more time, you were going to drown yourself in your tears right then and there.

You could feel your phone vibrate in your pocket, but you didn’t bother answering it before putting it on silent, feeling like you at least owed him basic etiquette.

“I’m not done,” he said blankly, “Now, as I was saying, layers really bring out the-“

You bring your hand down on the table a little too harshly but quickly cover it up with a smile. His voice faltered slightly before pausing when you looked at him expectantly.

“I don’t have a favorite movie. I think they’re all too dependent on suspension of disbelief. There is no true realism. None of them truly cater to what I want.”

“You’re a film major.” “So I can make films that capture the true essence of-“ he inhaled deeply before gesturing with his hands “—everything.”

The same waitress from before asked you if you wanted a refill, to which you agreed, Vision doing the same. You fiddled around with your cup in silence for a while, not knowing how to continue.

“Do you want to hear my idea for a script?”

“Sure.”

“It starts with a twenty minute shot of the ocean. Just lets you get into the tone of the movie. Then the next shot is of a horse stable. Then the next is of a wilted meadow. Then an opening door. Then an unruly bed. Then-“

“That sounds great, but what’s it about, Vis?” you emphasized, hoping to speed things up.

“I’m getting there, but please remember this desire for narrative has been fed to you. Without narrative, we truly push away from the comfort films provide and embrace a reflection of the world around us,” he insisted. “The next shot is a branch. Then a towel. Then-“

You nearly banged your head on the table.

“A church. A running tap, just to introduce motion, you know, to get things moving-“

“You need to make a move. Tell him you know about the cups.”

“Absolutely fucking not.”

It was 4am and all of you had collective taken a break from whatever it is that you were doing around thirty minutes ago and were now just laying there, waiting for the caffeine rush to wear off.

“Why not?”

“Why do you care so much, Clint?” you asked, slightly irritated.

He moved his hands to rest on his abdomen. “I don’t. It’s just agonizing to watch.”

“Don’t watch then.”

“Fine I’ll date him then. I’ll get him to write me love letters too.”

“Go for it,” you snorted, shaking your head.

“Maybe I will. I’ll ask him out today, just watch me.”

“Don’t let him break your heart, babe,” Nat encouraged him.

“He’d have to reject me to do that.”

“Why on earth would he ever do that?” she poked at his cheek, watching him grumble and shove her away.

“I think he and Dot are a thing,” you said suddenly, facing the ceiling.

“I don’t think so. He doesn’t look too invested.”

“They hang out a lot now, did you know?” you continued, ignoring Clint.

“You should ask him. Set the record straight.”

“I think I’ll keep all my feelings to myself and then die, thanks.”

“Just tell him, man. It’ll make your life much simpler,” he rolled onto his stomach to look at you. “Sweetheart, I love you, but all this pining isn’t helping either of you. Tell him, and if he likes you back, great. If he doesn’t, well, at least you’ll know, right?”

“That’s easy to say, but try doing it yourself.”

“Oh I did. The first one rejected me straight out, and it fucking sucked balls, but I could move on. Sometimes it’s better to take that chance.”

You were silent. You couldn’t believe you were actually considering what he’d said.

“Alright fine, here’s the deal. If I can gather the guts to ask out Bucky, you’ll have to do it too.” Clint held out his hand for a handshake and you narrowed your eyes at him.

“Fuck outta here. You’d do it without any regrets.”

“True, but you look like you need a push and I’m offering you one.”

“I appreciate it Clint, but it’s never going to happen. I’d rather choke.”

“I’m not gonna force you, but just think about it. It’s all about a leap of faith.”

The three of you remained in silence before Nat broke it, giggling to herself.

“Are you going to ask him out though?”

“Hell, maybe I will. Five o’clock, right?” Clint looked at his watch.

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna do it, watch me.”

Five.

Five.

Five.

Fuck.

You suddenly broke out of your train of thought and scrambled for your phone, interrupting Vision’s marvelous idea for an Oscar winning script.

Your heart stopped beating altogether.

It was nearly 6:30 and there were nearly twenty unread messages and around ten missed calls illuminating your notification bar.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you cursed steadily before standing up, your chair scraping against the floor behind you.

“Is something wrong?” Vision asked delicately, still clearly immersed in his thoughts.

“We need to leave now.” You pulled out enough cash to pay for your share, tugging your jacket back on hurriedly. “Now.”

“Why?”

“I’m late. I’m really, really late and we need to go now.” You had no idea that much time had gone by, scolding yourself for not keeping track of how long you were there.

“Alright, but are you-“

“Now, Vision.” You glared daggers at him until he relented, paying his amount and walking to the entrance at his own pace while you were nearly running.

From Becca:

Where are you???

From Becca:

We’re waiting for you to cut his cake

From Steve:

Hey, are you on your way?

From Becca:

McFucking Dot is here why tf is she here who invited her and why is she so touchy with bucky

From Nat:

I swear to god if you’re off making out w/ that boy instead of being here

From Wanda:

hey, we just cut the cake without you, hope you don’t mind. Where are you??

From Becca:

Someone “”””””accidentally””””” spilled their drink on dotzilla she’s all wet now

From Becca:

I can say with 80% accuracy that it wasn’t me

From Nat:

Becca just spilt her drink on Dot what the hell

From Clint:

Dot just left the room to go change because this dumbass turd just poured beer over her. now’s my chance

From Becca:

Yo where tf are you

From Nat:

We’re just sitting around, watching a movie. Are you showing up?? Why aren’t you answering our calls? Is everything okay?

From Becca:

Clint just asked out Bucky wtf sdjhgdkjfhgkdjfhg

From Clint:

I asked him out. he rejected me. I think I’m gonna keep trying

From Nat:

Clit’s bribing Bucky into saying yes

From Clint:

He said no im leaving this bullshit party

From Becca:

I just told Bucky you’ll be running late are you even showing up where are you

From Bucky:

Date going well? Hope you’re safe. Saving you a piece of cake 🍰

“Can you drive a little faster, please?” you urged him, furiously responding to everyone’s texts as quickly as you could.

“I’m already going as fast as I can,” he replied, driving at almost half the speed limit.

“Sweet Jesus,” you breathed out, running your hands through your hair. “Alright Vis, detour. Drop me off at this address.”

__

You didn’t wait to catch your breath as you ran up three flights of stairs to his dorm room, hands repeatedly slapping against the door.

A minute later it swung open, revealing a slightly panicked Bucky.

“What the-“

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so fucking sorry. I lost track of time and I didn’t even realize, it was entirely-“

“Woah, hey- hey it’s okay. It’s okay. ” He opened the door wider, a mix of confusion and concern on his face. “Take a second to catch your breath.”

As you did, you noticed he was wearing a black t-shirt that had no business looking that good, grey sweatpants, and his hair was pulled into a half bun, having grown longer due to months of not trimming it. He looked beautiful.

You took a moment off of staring at his stupidly attractive face, and beyond his shoulder into his dorm. You could see the empty beer cans littering his living room, the clear signs of a party.

“Everyone left?” you asked quietly.

“Yeah, just a few minutes ago.”

“Shit, Bucky-“ You sighed, frustration evident in your voice, feeling your heart sink. “I never meant to miss this, I promise.”

“I know you didn’t, don’t worry. I see you almost everyday, Y/N, it’s definitely okay to miss one evening.” He laughed lightly, shifting his weight to his other shoulder.

“It’s your birthday.”

“Like I said, it’s just another day.” He shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s nothing too big.”

Stop staring at his fucking chest.

“I bought you something,” you blurted out, tightening your grip on your bag. “A birthday present, I mean. I bought you a gift. For your birthday.”

Stop mumbling, you big oaf.

“Y/N,” he complained, “We talked about this. You didn’t have to-“

“It’s a journal,” you interrupted him, scrambling through the contents of your backpack to find it. “Each page has a question. 365 days, 365 questions. I mean, theoretically, it doesn’t work for leap years but, you know, this coming year isn’t one and I-”

You finally grabbed hold of the brown, leather bound book, pulling it out with ease and holding it out to him.  He looked back at you without a word.

“And I know how much you like writing, I just thought it’d be nice to look back on how much you change or how much your thoughts change over the year.” You pushed it forward gently, urging him to take it. He held onto it silently, running his fingers along the pages before flipping open to the first page.

You keep records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them. If you want to Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education, it’s history.

You watched him read it, his eyes widening slightly once he realized where the excerpt was from.

“That’s- that’s from-”

“The Catcher in the Rye. Yeah.” You shifted uncomfortably when he fell silent again, staring at you without a word.

Great.

“I know it’s stupid and nowhere near anything you’ve gotten me and I can get you something else-”

“I love it.” The look in his eyes made you want to melt. “So fucking much.”

“Really?” You couldn’t hide the surprise from your voice.

“It’s probably one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever given me.”

“There are some really stupid questions in there, like about memes and stuff because I thought you’d like it, but the rest are relatively normal.”

“It’s absolutely perfect.” He blew a few strands out of his face, letting his hands fall to his side. He opened his mouth to say something else but instead he shut it again.

It was probably the silence that ensues that made your fight or flight instincts take over because the next thing you realized is that you had both your arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug, earning a small ‘woah’ from him.

It took him about a second but he slowly wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you in closer, if that was even possible, dropping his forehead into crook of your shoulder. He smelt of fresh laundry and cinnamon and you couldn’t help the breath that escaped your lips. You could feel his breath tingling your neck and the warmth he exuded seeping in through your sweater. It reminded you of home.

You unwillingly pulled back, stuffing your hands back into your pockets awkwardly. “Happy birthday, James.”

“Thanks,” he said softly, biting his lip. “I, uh, saved you a piece of cake.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Finally he shook himself out of whatever he was thinking, moving and holding open the door invitingly. “Do you- uh- do you want some?”

Just tell him you like him, for the love of God.

“James I-“

“Bucky? Do you know where the tissues- oh hey Y/N!” There was no mistaking who walked out from Bucky’s bathroom. Bucky whipped his head around, confused, before who it was registered in his mind and he turned to look at you again.

“Hey Dot.”

“We missed you today,” she chirped, approaching the doorway, placing a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“Yeah, me too.” Something was amiss about her before you finally caught on.

She was wearing his shirt.

Oh.

“Um, I better get going.” You swallowed. It felt like you were missing something crucial. Why would she be wearing his shirt at his place?

“Wait, I thought-“ he furrowed his eyebrows, straightening up.

“It’s getting pretty late, I gotta go.” You half-smiled, pointing behind you to the setting sun. “Maybe some other time.”

“At least let me drop you back. Let me just grab my keys-“ he turned around, ready to walk back into his apartment.

“It’s okay,” you interrupted him, taking a step back. “I could use the fresh air.”

“It’ll be dark out soon.”

“I’ll be fine,” you assured him, continuing to walk backward before waving at him. “I’ll catch you later, Buck. Bye Dot.”

“Y/N-“ he tried again but you just waved again before spinning on your heel and walking off, waiting till you were out of eyesight before fumbling for your phone and calling Nat to come pick you up from his dorm because sure, you may be feeling like shit, but that didn’t mean you were going to walk home in the middle of winter, alone.

Leap of faith, my ass, you thought.

Leap off a fucking cliff was more like it.

Part 9

[loading99percent]

Nice to Meet You

Pairing: LYJ x OC [Li Meilian] Genre: slice of life Word Count: 1,436 Summary: “ You’re my neighbor who got drunk and thought this was your apartment but I can’t just send you back home when you keep crying and venting about all of these awful things happening to you” cliche APT AUs.

Warning: swearing and the mentioning of drinking (obviously lol)

My third request, but sharing out of order as I got inspiration in writing this request as I’m still stuck with the others. Sorry for the wait to the anon that requested this. I’ve been in a slump and life got in the way and I actually found time to write and finish this. Hope you like it and happy reading and kthxbai, Admin Lia~

Meilian staggered down the hallway of her apartment floor after stepping out of the elevators. She normally didn't get drunk unless she knew that one of her friends would take care of her, but tonight she just needed a drink and had one too many. Feeling the slight headache coming on, Meilian continued to hurried, but clumsily walk down the long hallway until she reached the door to her apartment. Meilian pressed the four digit code, but it didn't work. Believing it to be because of her drunken state, Meilian tried again, but failed once more. She steadied herself as she stared at the nine-numbered key pad as she slowly, but surely pressed the right buttons. It still didn't work.

Frustrated, Meilian let out an agitated sigh as she tried to fish her keys out of her bag. While rummaging through it she grew more irritated as she couldn't locate her set of keys amongst all the other junk she got in her bag. Cursing herself for basically stuffing so much stuff in it she started mumbling about everything else that was going on in her life at the moment and it seemed that fate really wanted to mess with her of all days. Once Meilian finally found her keys, she slowly found the right one before inserting it into the keyhole, and fter turning it and thinking it would open now, it didn't and Meilian let out a strangled cry of disbelief.

"Seriously? What the fuck, man?" Meilian silently cried as she banged her head against the door several times while not caring that it would probably leave a bruise later.

Just as Meilian's forehead was about to smack against the door for the nth time, it suddenly opened and Meilian stumbled into another body. Yanjun's eyes widened upon the female falling against him as he instinctively held out his arms and steadied her with his arms still lingering around her to make sure she wouldn't fall over.

"Are you okay?" He simply asked, but this innocent question opened a dam and Meilian burst into angry tears.

"No, I'm not okay!" She cried before ranting. "Nothing's fucking okay! Life sucks! The owner of my job is a fuckin' dick and a cheapskate. My general manager is a two-face bitch who won't hesitate to throw someone under the bus to save her own ass and all of my colleagues can't do shit without being told to do something." Meilian let out a heavy sighed. "I hate being an assistant manager that they still treat like a regular worker that knows how to do more shit than them and still keep it professional, yet all these motherfuckin' idiots think it's easy to be in my position when all they do is depend on me when they don't know how to do something or want a scapegoat."

"Daman, I hate stupid people." Meilian sighed once more as she continued to speak. "I really wanna quit, but I still need the job and money. I just wish they would realize that I'm important and without me they wouldn't even be where they are right now because they still can't fuckin' operate the system on their own without blowing up my phone left to right." Meilian leaned her head against Yanjun's chest as tears continued to escaped. "Why can't they use their own brain and actually assess the situation, look it up on their own, or even make sure it's all there before bugging me?"

Yanjun stood frozen with Meilian still in his arms and wasn't sure how to respond as he was totally not expecting this at 2 in the morning. He kind of regretted in opening the door, but he had to know who was relentlessly banging on his door and had inserted the wrong code three times that woke him up as his security system's automated voice kept interrupting his sleep. Although he has seen Meilian and exchanged a few greetings and light conversations here and there, Yanjun has never really seen her in this kind of state before or well been in her presence for this long since they said hi to one another. Plus, Yanjun never really learned his neighbor's name despite living in the apartment complex for almost two years now.

"And now I can't even enter my apartment because the code doesn't work and neither does my key." Meilian continued on speaking as she just felt like venting to someone since her roommate was overseas due to work and her other friends that she went drinking with she didn't feel like talking about work and they made sure she temporarily forgot about it. "And I have this splitting headache pounding against my head and now I really wished that I didn't drink so much tonight, but after today's stressful event at work I really needed it."

Yanjun slowly started rubbing Meilian's upper back in a comforting motion while quietly calming her down with several 'shhs' despite his shirt being drenched with his neighbor's tears. Meilian wasn't even sure why she had ranted this to her neighbor as she didn't want anyone to see her like this especially when someone as good-looking as Yanjun didn't need to witness this ugly side of her. Meilian hated anyone seeing her like this as she felt like no one should see someone in this state. Plus, she didn't even know the name of her neighbor despite living here for a couple of years. Anyways, Meilian mustered up the energy and pulled herself out of Yanjun's embrace and backed up while wiping the rest of her tears away.

"Sorry about that." Meilian apologized while shooting Yanjun an apologetic smile. "I just realized now that I kind of sobered up a bit and after seeing the number of your apartment that this isn't even my floor." She let out a scoff. "I'm such a mess and I'm sorry for disturbing you with my problems as you didn't even need to hear any of that from a total stranger although w're neighbors and what not. Anyways, I'm just gonna go and probably screamed into my pillow of this embarrassment for the rest of my life." Meilian then shot Yanjun a sheepish look. "And definitely avoid you for the remainder of my stay here, too. Bye."

Yanjun reached out a hand and took Meilian by the elbow and Meilian looked at him questioningly.

"You’re my neighbor who got drunk and thought this was your apartment but I can’t just send you back home when you keep crying and venting about all of these awful things happening to you." Yanjun told her before letting go of her elbow and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Well, you were crying and venting, but you seem to be feeling better now." Yanjun contemplated if he should ask the question that backfired earlier, but he felt that it was safe to ask now. "Are you okay?"

A small smiled appeared on Meilian's face as she nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'm okay now. Thanks for letting me vent out to you and for caring even if you didn't have to, but it was much appreciated."

Yanjun smiled showcasing his dimples and this made Meilian feel slightly even more better upon seeing them.

"Well, I know it's maybe like three now and you may want to sleep this off, but I'm up and you're still up," Yanjun began, "Would you like something to eat or some water and maybe an Advil or Tylenol to help you?"

Meilian let out a small chuckle as she debated with herself about his offered and agreed. "Sure, I guess. I did wake you up and since you're offering, I guess it's the least I could do to accept it."

"Lovely. I'm Lin Yanjun by the way." Yanjun introduced himself while offering his hand which Meilian accepted instantly. "Li Meilian. It's nice to finally and properly meet you, Yanjun."

"Likewise, Meilian. Oh, just to let you know, I don't know how to cook, so I hope you don't mind microwave food or ready to eat food."

"It's fine. I can probably make something for the both of us once the alcohol finally leave my system or something close to it, which reminds me. I really do need to use your bathroom though."

Yanjun chuckled as he motioned for her to enter his apartment. "It's down the hall and the first door on the left."

"Thank you!" Meilian said as she took off while Yanjun shut the door and looked towards his kitchen. "I hope I have stuff that she can actually make."

[remembermemorablememories]

Friday, August 24, 2018

last day at work!! :’(

post #228

main points:

- prepare for presentation in the morning

- run through with mentor

- actual presentation 11:30-12pm

- lunch with my mentor at a hunan cuisine place

- attempt to submit one last PR (trying to submit since yesterday) but still not working. it was unrelated but seemed to block despite a force push flag

- went to company demo session, saw karl and vishal’s demo. tried to work on a fix for the PR in case somehow i was the one to break the two tests? turns out it wasn’t me though

- go to happy hour with harvy and roberto. harvy helped fix my flag -- i used an enter instead of a space, causing the flag to not register correctly

- hang out at happy hour with harvy, roberto, alex, jp and grace. meet up with andrew and jess briefly to say good bye. also say good bye to vishal 

- go upstairs to play melee with shang, eric, ivan, mansfield. say good bye to all of them one by one :’( 

- harvy swung by after the gym at the melee setup to say good bye one last time, i felt sad :( 

- played melee with john, he got back from a doctor’s appointment. we played one last final round of shine thief + 150cc race. picked up some swag

- ubered home and ate leftover food from the hunan place for lunch + rice i picked up from sunny sushi in the shopping plaza 

- pooled with dan by accident (again), said good bye

- got home, reheated the food, then just watched the office and went to sleep by 12am

(writing this on wednesday august 29, finally catching up)

today i:

- woke up at 8:30am. ubered with karl to work. it was my turn to call the uber. my last uber to work :’(

- we got to the office. i grabbed some breakfast with karl. one final meal in the cafe :’(

- went up to my desk around 10am. mentally started going through my presentation stuff. tried to submit my PR that i was unable to submit yesterday. tried to force push with a flag but that also didn’t seem to work. was kind of confused and would worry about that later

- i did a runthrough on my presentation with my mentor from 11-11:30am. he said my presentation was solid, just some small things to update on two concepts

- went to do my final presentation 11:30am-12pm in a meeting. i did my presentation/demo for about 15 minutes. around 11:50am, another team member (jennifer) did a demo on her work which looked cool

- harvy treated me to lunch at a chinese restaurant in milbrae. it was at wonderful, which had some authentic hunan cuisine. it was absolutely delicious food. but also pretty spicy. we chatted a bit about my plans for and after the semester. harvy also gave me some career advice in terms of location and working at HQs. we ordered so much food 

we definitely couldn’t finish all of it. he said i could take the leftovers and eat it for dinner later :D 

- went back to work and tried to submit that last PR. it unfortunately still wasn’t working. i started wondering if maybe i did indeed break something

- around 3pm i went to a company meeting to see karl and vishal’s intern project since they got a time slot to demo there. they weren’t going until the very end but it was my first time attending the meeting so i figured might as well check it out before i leave. while i was in the meeting, i worked on the PR, thinking that maybe the two tests were failing because i actually did break something. after working on it for 20-30 minutes, i still ended up with the same error message. welp. i guess the error wasn’t my fault

i also saw karl and vishal demo their project, it was SOOOO cool!! 

- after the meeting, i went back up to my desk to ask harvy what the issue might be with the force push flag, since it didn’t seem to go through and the issue wasn’t my fault (now verified). before we went to happy hour, he came over and took a look. it was cause i used a newline/enter character instead of a space before pasting a link... so the flag wasn’t getting registered. i’ve been trying to submit this since the end of wednesday... LOL. derp. glad i could get it submitted on my last day!

- went downstairs to happy hour with roberto and harvy. i had to return my badge cause they’d be closed by 5. so i walked around with a guest badge as a guest for harvy LOL. it was my last happy hour :’( i tried some mixed drink with tequila and pineapple flavoring... it was... weird. then noticed that roberto got cider and went to grab one of those. i love cider :D harvy then also grabbed one and we sat down just chilling. there was a performance going on out on the patio. we were also joined by alex and grace. it was a nice way to relax

i got a message from andrew in the breaking group chat and went to go say good bye/chat with him for a bit. jess was also there with this really cute dog. then i went back to harvy/roberto/alex. JP came by and we chatted with him for a bit. the whole summer i never formally met him until my last day LOL. he seemed really cool

then alex suggested we go up to play some melee. cause in the group chat some peeps were playing upstairs. we went up around 5pm, i went to say good bye to andrew/jess then vishal/rabia and karl (though i’d see karl back at the apt)

- went upstairs to drop off some stuff and had a brief conversation about amazon with grace, harvy and roberto. then went to play melee with alex, shang, eric, ivan, mansfield. shang left first so i gave him a hug. he made some funny comment like “this is the first time our bodies have touched”. then alex left so i said goodbye to him. then i played some games with mansfield while eric played ivan. then i played one last game with eric before he left, and then said goodbye to him. then mansfield left to catch the shuttle at 6:30 and i said goodbye to him :’(

finally it was just me and ivan, who i’ve heard about but never played with the entire summer cause he had been busy with work. 

- harvy swung by after he went to the gym. we finally said good bye and i felt really sad :/ he was a really good mentor and wholesome dude. i felt like he was really patient with me in my project. hopefully i’ll see him again sometime in the future

- i played a few games with ivan and then he left. by then it was like 7pm. i was ready to head back up to ask john where he was and then bumped into him in the hallway. we were like yo let’s play some games. cause he went to a doctor’s appointment so i wasn’t sure when he was coming back

- we did one final thing of our circuit. we played like 5 melee games. then shine thief in mario kart. then a race in mario kart. and then that was it :’( 

- we walked over to where the swag stuff was. i picked up a t-shirt and some pop sockets. i knew the swag was there all summer i just kept forgetting to get some. john also grabbed some too

- we went back to our desks and i cleaned up my desk, making sure everything was cleaned out. then, john headed out. we said good bye :’( 

i put my laptop and everything back. grabbed the leftover hunan food from the fridge. then i put in an order from sunny sushi to get 2 orders of white rice (to eat with the hunan food)

- walked over to pick up the white rice, then called an uber express pool

- happened to call one the same time dan did. this was like the 3rd time this summer we overlapped and got pooled together LOL. we chatted on the car for a bit. he was telling me about a zombie game he played on campus, it sounded epic and fun but also scary. he got dropped off first and we said good bye

- i went back home, reheated some of the food. chatted with one of the airbnb guests who was visiting and took damien’s room (since he moved out). then i watched the office (not sure which episodes) and crashed by 12am

it was a sad day :( but i’m really glad i got to spend the summer working here. it’s been a great experience. i hope i’ll see some of these peeps again

the end

(finishing writing this up on saturday september 1)

[tenroseforeverandever]

Dear Father Christmas… Chapter 23: December 24, 2038

MASTERPOST

Characters:  Tentoo; Rose Tyler; Jackie Tyler; Pete Tyler; Tony Tyler; OC Hope Tyler-Noble; OC Charlotte Tyler-Noble; OC Wilfred Tyler-Noble; OC Therin Thomson; Javic Thane; Gray Thane; OC Tianza; the TARDIS; OC Abby Tyler-Milne;

Rated: Teen

Tags: Family!Fic; Kid!Fic; Pete’s World; Letters to Santa; Christmas Fic; Family; Fluff; Hurt/Comfort; Angst; Romance; Love; gun violence; violence resulting in death; life-threatening injury; life threatening situations; life threatening illness; original characters

Summary: When Rose Tyler was little, she always wrote a Christmas wish list to Father Christmas. As she grew older, the wish list became more of a letter to someone she could confide in once a year, but she fell out of the habit somewhere along the way. Now, as a new mum, celebrating her daughter’s first Christmas, Rose takes up writing her Christmas letter to Father Christmas once again.

Rose’s Christmas letters are excerpts from her life with her beloved Tentoo and their children in Pete’s World, written once a year, for each of 31 years.

Chapter Summary: Jackie decides to make Ugly Christmas Jumpers for everyone in the family.

Notes: Wow! Another chapter that got away from me! LOL And boy, did this one put up a fight.

To my betas, @rose–nebula and mrsbertucci: once again, this chapter would not be what it is without you. You gave me inspiration (which I still feel guilty about!) and we had many, many discussions about lots of things to get me through this, including a particularly hilarious discussion about aliens (I’m dying laughing just thinking about it now… I don’t know why I find it so funny, I just do!) Just thank-you, both, for always being there when I need you, and putting up with my whinging. I love you both!

Thanks to @doctorroseprompts for their 31 Days of Ficmas prompts. The prompt I used today was Santa and/or Elves.

I know it’s the middle of April, but since the weather outside (here in Ontario) is still frightful, I don’t feel too guilty about posting part of my Christmas story. I have eight more chapters to go for the full 31 Days of Ficmas. I’m not sure if I will post any more through the year, or just write them and post them at Christmastime in December. I’ll see how it goes… ;D

Also read at: AO3; FF.net; Teaspoon

December 24th, 2038

Dear Father Christmas,

My mum never does anything by halves. When Jackie Tyler sets her mind on something, she doesn’t hold back. She gets stuck right in; she takes the bull by the horns and beats it into submission. God help anyone or anything standing in her way. Just ask the Doctor…

(On second thought, best not. He might not take it too well, especially not after… well, you’ll see.)

Anyroad, ever since we welcomed my little niece, Abby, into our lives last autumn, Mum’s been on a knitting rampage. She taught herself. She started out with little things like baby mitts and booties, but quickly progressed to sweet little cardigans and jumpers. And she’s gotten really good! My very favourite one was an adorable navy-blue jumper with the words “I LOVE MY DADDIES!” emblazoned across the front in big, pink letters. Tony and Noah (the proud Daddies in question) loved it too, and dressed little Abby in it all the time, until summer came along, and they were forced to admit it was too hot for her to wear it anymore!

This year, sometime around August, Mum’s knitting took a rather… erm… dangerous turn. Stand aside, Molly Weasley: Jackie Tyler announced she was intending to knit jumpers for all of the Tyler clan, and their significant others, this Christmas.

And not just any jumpers: Ugly Christmas Jumpers. 

She only told me and Dad, not wanting to spoil the “surprise” for everyone else. Honestly, we just had to grit our teeth and tell her what a “great idea” it was. It wasn’t like it would’ve made any difference if we’d told her how we really felt. Besides, this way we were likely avoiding the pain of a good hard smack, and months of her patented Jackie Tyler silent-not-silent treatment.

Anyway, it wasn’t like she’d told us about it because she was actually seeking our approval. No, we were to be models, though I rather think guinea-pigs would be a more apt description. Honestly, as Christmas approached, I was seriously beginning to think it would have been better to shut the entire Ugly Jumper Project down in its early stages and endure whatever punishment Mum might have dished out, but at that point, we were in too deep to turn back.

The worst part of the whole process was Mum constantly calling me throughout the autumn to come over to the mansion to try something on, or to bring over jumpers the kids had left behind when they came to visit, so she could compare the sizing with what she was knitting. To be honest it got to be a bit tedious very quickly, but I could hardly say no to her when she was throwing her heart into it. Besides, this way I was able to keep an eye out and nix any design I thought wouldn’t go down very well with the intended recipient.

But, the jumpers were, for the most part, not too bad. They were beautifully designed and made. I was honestly quite impressed. Most of them either featured a cute character like a snowman or penguin or something like that, or they were the traditional Fair Isle design, with rows of little repeating Christmas characters and symbols in garish colours. Regardless of the pattern, all of them had some sort of saying on them, like Joy to the World, ‘Tis the Season, or Let It Snow.

“Soooo, which one is mine,” I asked.

“Never you mind, little madam. For your information, I ‘aven’ started it yet. And even if I ‘ad… as if I would spoil the surprise.”

I suddenly had a horrible thought. Cold dread washed over me. “Erm… what about the Doctor’s…?” Ever since he had revamped her dishwasher to sing Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer seven or eight Christmases ago, Mum had been out for revenge. Not that she would admit it. From the look she gave me, you’d think butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but I knew better.

“Oh, I’m tryin’ to come up with jus’ the right pattern for ‘im. I’ve a couple in mind.”

“Muuuuum, don’t do anything rash, yeah?”

“Oh, honestly Rose, don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud. I’m jus’ tryin’ to create a little Christmas cheer.”

“Oi! I’m the one stuck in the middle of you and the Doctor and your flippin’ Christmas cheer. Me and Dad!”

She ignored me, of course, and did a complete about-face on the topic. “Oh, speakin’ of your Dad… I got his jumper finished. What d’ya think?” She held up a dark green jumper, with a comical Santa body on it. The pattern stopped at the collar, so Dad’s head would be taking the place of Santa’s head (your head, Santa!) The words Ho Ho Ho were knitted in bold yellow letters below Santa’s feet. “I’ll get ‘im to wear a Father Christmas ‘at and all!”

I had to laugh. “Good luck with that!”

“’E’ll do it if ‘e knows w’at’s good for ‘im!”

“That’ll make for more of your Christmas cheer, then…”

“Oh, don’t ya worry; I’ll make it worth ‘is while.”  She winked at me. “There’ll be plenty of Christmas cheer and bells a jinglin’ around ‘ere.”

“Mum! TMI!”

“Since when ‘ave you been such a prude? I mean, jus’ look at the way you and ‘imself carry on.”

“Yeah, but there are certain things I really, really do not need to know. And that, right there: that tops the list! Look, I gotta run. Dad’s asked me to give a presentation this afternoon.”

“Oh, well, I suppose… Oh, Rose, wait a mo’. I meant to ask: Charlie, is she seein’ someone regular these days? Will she be bringin’ a date for Christmas Eve? I’ll need to make ‘im or ‘er a jumper too, yeah, whoever they are.”

“I dunno, Mum. I never know with that one these days. I worry… a lot.”

“She’ll be all right, sweetheart. It’s jus’ a phase. ‘Sides, she’s nearly twenty years old. I don’t need to remind ya w’at you were up to at ‘er age… gallivantin’ around with that bleedin’ alien. Not that you cared a fig about my worries!”

“Mum…”

“She’s jus’ like you in so many ways, so bloody-minded.”

“That isn’t helping, Mum! I jus’ hope you’re right… about it being a phase. Anyway, I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything definite about her bringing a date.”

“An’ in the meantime, I’ll knit an extra generic sort of jumper, jus’ in case.” Mum must have noticed I was about to protest, because she cut me off before I’d even had a chance to open my mouth. “Nah, don’t worry; Lor’ knows, it’s no trouble. After all, Therin might still decide to bring someone, too, and I’ll need one for ‘er. Best to be prepared.”

“All right. Suit yourself. See ya soon. Love ya.” I kissed her on the cheek and headed out the door, the problem of Charlie weighing heavily on my mind.

--ooOoo--

That night as I was standing at the stove making supper, the Doctor came up and wrapped his arms around me from behind. He gave me a lovely kiss behind the ear. It was just what I’d needed. I’d been wound up all day.

“Penny for ‘em? You’ve been doing (might I say) a piss poor job of shielding your emotions.”

“That obvious, was it?”

“Yup.” He squeezed me tighter and gave me another tender little kiss. Even without our telepathic bond, I expect he would have figured out something was wrong. And I really had been sloppy about keeping my worry contained. To be honest, I’d been hoping he’d notice. “You could have just told me if something was bothering you.”

I leaned my head back against his shoulder, giving the sauce another stir. “I know. You’ve just been so stressed lately.”

The Doctor had been called in to help with seventeen frightened and violent Trumhurgi whose ship had crashed in Torquay. They were badly injured, and the Doctor was the only one who had any decent knowledge about their unusual physiology. It had been two months of providing medical care for them, sometimes round-the-clock for several days running. He’d been training Torchwood physicians and nurses as well, but it all took time. In addition, he’d been consulting about repairs on the Trumhurgi ship, and travelling back and forth in the TARDIS, obtaining spare parts and contacting worried family members, carrying their messages and even bringing them back to Earth to visit their recuperating relatives.

I’d been working on the case too, but I was helping out the traumatized humans who’d been caught up in the original crash and the violent, defensive outburst that had followed. Shots had been fired and, by some stroke of luck, there had been no deaths, but it had been a close call. Fortunately, I had a huge, experienced team at my command, so my end of the job had been a lot easier than the Doctor’s.

“I’m all right, love,” the Doctor assured me, as we dished up our supper and sat down at the table. It was the first time in weeks we’d actually been able to eat together. “Besides, by end of this week the last of the Trumhurgi go home in their very own, working-better-than-ever ship! Let’s have tonight be about us.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Now spill. What’s got you so upset?”

“It’s Charlie. I’m worried. I didn’t tell you about it because… well, the Trumhurgi… but Javic dropped by shortly after all that happened… with news.” The Doctor’s eyes darkened, and his lips tightened reflexively, but he waited for me to continue. “It seems Charlie has been taking a page out of Javic’s book, recently. She’s been, erm… let’s just say ‘embracing her sexuality’… a lot!”

“And he knows this how?”

“Well he ran into her at one of his favourite… spots.”

I sensed the Doctor’s anger flare, white hot. “He didn’t touch−”

“God, no! In fact, he’s sort of taken her under his wing, so to speak. Made sure she’s stayed away from all the dangerous places.”

The Doctor growled. He looked like he was fighting really hard to keep his emotions in check. His eyes flashed at me. It had been a long time since I’d been a target for the Oncoming Storm. It was properly frightening (and more than a bit thrilling!) “And you… you never thought to tell me? This? About our daughter?”

“You were so busy. And it’s not like−”

He launched himself out of his chair with a roar. “You kept this from me?”

Reflexively, I shrank back into my seat, like some timid little creature. “I’m sorry.”

He began to pace, tugging at his hair. Each time he passed me, he opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out. His mental shields were locked in place and impenetrable.

After five long minutes, I decided enough was enough. It wasn’t my habit to let him intimidate me and I wasn’t about to chicken out now; history told me, it was far better to confront him, not let him get away with his bullying behaviour. “Doctor, stop! Enough. Sit down so we can talk.”

“Oh, so now you want to talk to me!”

“That’s was the point of having this conversation, yeah? Sit!”

He did as I asked, shoving his plate away from him, across the table. I grabbed onto his hand before he could move it, pouring my love through our bond. I was gratified when his shields began to give; it was only a little, but it was a beginning.

“Any other information you want to impart?” he bit out.

“Well… apparently she has one of Wilfred’s Vortex Manipulators, so… erm… she’s dancing through time and space.”

“Bloody hell!” He moved to stand again, but I held firm to his hand. He glared daggers at me. “Let go! We have to−”

“Have to what, Doctor? What do you propose we do? You’re not going to go storming in there like the Great Exterminator!”

“Try me!”

“This is Charlie… intimidation has never worked on that kid, and it’s not about to this time, either. We need to be rational and calm and supportive.”

“Supportive! But she’s−”

“I know. And Javic has been keeping an eye on her. He’s making sure she checks in with him, and he assures me she’s doing… fine.”

“Somehow, I don’t imagine Javic’s definition of ‘fine’ is quite the same as ours.”

I had to admit (but only to myself) I’d been thinking much the same way, though I knew Javic: he’d go to the ends of creation to protect any of us. “Hope’s been keeping in touch with her too,” I offered, hoping to appease the Doctor.

“Well that, that is a bloody recipe for disaster!” His anger flared.

Again, I had to agree with him, Santa. For all that she means well, Hope tends to get a bit bossy with her younger siblings. She’s mellowed over the years, but still… My arguments were crumbling around me. “You’re right. Let’s go!”

“What?”

“Let’s go… TARDIS. You. Me. Chat with our daughter.”

“But I thought you said...?”

“Changed my mind.”

--ooOoo--

Charlie, it turns out, was not thrilled to see us. I hadn’t been expecting a joyous family reunion or anything, but I think it would have gone a lot better if the Doctor hadn’t barged up to the bar where she was cheerfully chatting up some green-skinned bloke, waving his psychic paper around like some crazed maniac and bellowing to said bloke that Charlie was under-aged (an outright lie… on that planet) and if he didn’t want to find himself in a whole heap of trouble he’d better scram. He’d then grabbed Charlie by the arm and hauled her out of the building and into the TARDIS.

To say Charlie was furious was the understatement of the year! She was ranting on about how it was bad enough her “puritanical” sister was on her case, but the fact that we were now interfering in her life as well incensed her to no end.  She only finally calmed after I ordered the Doctor out of the TARDIS. I would deal with him later.

In the end, there was very little I could actually do other than let Charlie know we’d both be there for her if she ever needed us. She assured me she was fine: having fun; being careful; and not doing anything too wild (and “bloody hell, Mum, I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation with you… it’s just wrong…”.) I tried to understand, but I just couldn’t put myself in that mindset, and I told her as much.

“It’s just such a relief to be able to have fun and feel good without any obligations. I have so many obligations, Mum. School, Hand in Hand, work... This makes me feel, well free.”

Oh, Santa, it was then I realized how much that little girl (young woman) had taken on in her young life.

She must have seen the look of horror on my face. She grabbed my hand, and our familial bond snapped into place. She read me like an open book. “Mum, don’t you dare feel guilty. You never, ever pressured me, any of us, to do anything we didn’t want. You encouraged us in the best way possible, you… and Dad.” She chuckled and rolled her eyes at the mention of her father.  “This is just my way of letting go a bit, taking time for me. Can you understand that?”

“Course I can, love. I worry, that’s all. Promise me you’ll keep in touch, yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“And listen to Javic.”

“Muuuuum! I know!”

“Now, since we spoiled your evening with that young man, how about we take you out to supper, yeah?”

“That sounds great! And don’t worry too much about my evening. He was a bit of a tosser, anyway. I was just about to walk out when Dad came barging in like some daft Onidsessi on pep pills. Urrrgh,” she groaned, “promise you’ll never let Dad near pep pills. Can you imagine…?”

“Oh, god, your Dad… he’s out there… Not on pep pills, but you know as well as me, he’s quite capable of stirring up all kinds of trouble without them if he gets a bit bored.”

Thankfully the Doctor hadn’t been stirring up trouble. We found him, pacing back and forth in front of the TARDIS doors. Charlie skipped right over to him, stopping him in his tracks and planting a kiss on his cheek. I couldn’t help but smile. We might all drive one another completely mental sometimes, but there was no lack of love in our little family, and this incident had assured me our children always knew we would be a safe haven for them whenever they needed it.

With all our emotions running high, I never remembered to ask Charlie if she was bringing home a friend at Christmas, so Mum could plan an appropriate jumper. At this point, though, I didn’t imagine there would be anyone special, given that she seemed to be determined to stay away from serious relationships for the time being.

I couldn’t have been more wrong…

Santa, I need to run. We’re all at Mum’s tonight, and the jumpers have finally been unveiled. There were a few… complications. And I’m running interference! I’ll try to explain later.

Blimey! There goes the Doctor, now, and he looks far too happy for anyone’s good, especially considering…  Look, Santa, I gotta go! I’ll finish this letter up later.

--ooOoo--

Santa, I’m back, but I’m not sure where the hell I’m going to begin. A lot of stuff went down tonight. A lot of stuff.

Mum was just itching to hand out her Ugly Jumper parcels to everyone; I couldn’t get her to sit still, she was so excited. We were still waiting for Charlie to arrive and for Tony, Noah, and Abby, too. The Doctor had gone to collect Charlie in the TARDIS. Mum was bouncing off the walls.

Thank goodness my brother and his family decided to show up just after the Doctor left. Entertaining Abby was keeping Mum rather brilliantly distracted, and it meant I didn’t need to entertain Mum. As it turned out, it was just as well Mum was preoccupied, because it gave her time to ease into meeting Charlie’s plus-one which turned out to be a bit of a shock for her, just not for the immediately obvious reason…

The lovely, familiar sound of the TARDIS filled the room about fifteen minutes after Tony arrived. She landed in her customary corner of Mum’s living room, wearing her traditional Blue Box disguise, but topped with festive snow and icicles, and a colourful wreath on her door. The door opened, and the Doctor stepped out, meeting my gaze with raised eyebrows and a little prickle of warning through our bond. He was being very guarded, not sharing any specific thoughts or images, and that made me distinctly uneasy.

Charlie followed him and was tugging behind her what could only be her date for the evening. The creature seemed to unfold itself from the TARDIS. It was very tall and rail thin. Charlie was holding onto one of its appendages, a hand of sorts, at the end of one of its four upper limbs, formed from an assortment of tentacle-like structures. “C’mon Hrau-Ard,” Charlie coaxed. “You’re gonna love my family! Hell, you and Dad are already like best mates!”

“Possibly a bit of an exaggeration seeing as we only met six minutes ago,” the Doctor countered, allowing Charlie and Hrau-Ard to step in front of him, “but he seems like a fine chap, I have to say.”

It took me a moment to get over my shock. Now, let me be clear, Santa, I have no trouble with interspecies relationships… I mean look at my darling husband, not exactly human for all he looks it. It’s just that Charlie, for all her sexual experimentation has never strayed far from standard humanoid partners before... at least according to Javic’s accounts. That’s why I needed to collect my thoughts before I moved forward to greet our new guest.

“Hello,” I smiled up into the creature’s majestic face. And majestic it was, by any standards… beautiful. Trust Charlie to pick a gorgeous date! A long muzzle, with an expressive mouth on the end, swooped up into a spectacular curved crest above it’s head. The crest had two main parts, a longer one below and a shorter part above. Its face morphed gradually from a rich teal colour at the muzzle to a deep indigo at the tips of the crests and was edged with many sensory tentacles and filaments. Two large purple eyes bulged above the snout, and several secondary eyes protruded from either side of the crests, set on stalks which were each adorned with several metallic rings. “I’m Rose Tyler, Charlie’s mum.” I held my hands out, spread open before me in the universal sign of peaceful greeting.

The creature bowed its head to me and dropping Charlie’s hand, held all four of it’s tentacle-tipped upper limbs out, mirroring me. Its fluting voice emanated from the crests. “Christmas greetings to you, Rose Tyler. My name is Hrau-Ard. It is lovely to meet you.”

“He’s male… mostly,” Charlie informed me, “so it’s okay to use ‘he’ and ‘him’.”

Hrau-Ard piped in, bowing his head to me again, “Those pronouns seem to be the most accurate.”

Before I could respond to Hrau-Ard, Charlie impatiently snagged the hand she’d been holding earlier and tugged him past me. “Well, come on in and meet the rest of the family!”

He hooted in surprise, his long tan-coloured tunic billowing and brushing me as he passed. It dropped halfway down his two legs and contrasted spectacularly with the blues and greens of his skin and had an opening in the back through which a pair of wing-like appendages extended. They were bright turquoise and filmy (too delicate to be proper wings) and vibrated as he moved.

I admit, I couldn’t suppress a chuckle at Mum’s incredulous expression as she met him. She passed Abby back to Noah, and looked Hrau-Ard up and down, offering him all the appropriate greetings. She had come a long way since her “bog-monster” days on the Estate and was extremely well-versed in alien diplomacy. After all, she’d welcomed plenty into her home over the years. But, despite all her training and experience, she was still my mum, and I nearly choked when she repeated his name back for clarification: “Howard? Your name is Howard?”

With a low whistle of approval and if the TARDIS was translating properly, amusement, Hrau-Ard inclined his head, his facial filaments bobbing with the movement. “I enjoy the way you say my name, Charlie’s Gran.”

“Oh, just call me Jackie, please. Howard! Of all the names!”

“Is this name of significance to you?”

Mum glanced nervously over to Pete, who was busy grilling Wilfred and Tianza about the medicinal properties of a Gallifreyan plant he was interested in using in a new Vitex drink.  “Oh, ‘e’s jus’ an old mate of mine.”

“Fine fellow! Liked fruit!” the Doctor enthused from the TARDIS door with a broad, toothy grin. “I borrowed his pyjamas and dressing gown once!”

“Well then,” Hrau-Ard bleeped, “I am honoured to be his namesake.”

“Oh, off the two of you go then.” Mum shooed Charlie and “Howard” off to meet Tony, Noah, and Abby. She fixed a glare at the Doctor, who had stepped up behind me. “See, there, Time Lump! A proper alien, tentacles and all! ‘E at least ‘as the decency to look the part.”

“So sorry to disappoint you with my lack of appendages, Jackie (after all, I live my life just to please you),” he snarked back at her. “Fortunately, as it turns out, there’s one Tyler who is rather fond of my one, rather impressive appendage, just the way it is.”

“All right, you two,” I cut off Mum before she had a chance to bite back, “it’s Christmastime, yeah? Peace on Earth. See, the halls are all decked,” I gestured around me, “merry and bright. Let’s try to enjoy ourselves.”

“Ooooh, I’d like to deck ‘is halls, all right…” Mum grumbled.

The Doctor leaned out around me to shoot another barb at Mum. “Is that your resting Grinch face, Jackie, or are you just happy to see me?”

Mum lunged at him, slapping-hand poised and ready. Fortunately for the Doctor, I was still in between the two of them. “Stop!”

“Cuddly as a cactus; charming as an eel… Mrs. Griii-inch” the Doctor sing-songed.

“STOP!” My shout silenced the room, everyone turning to stare at me.

“Oh, don’t mind them,” Charlie cooed at Hrau-Ard, “that’s sorta their normal behaviour.”

“Look what you two made me do,” I hissed at Mum and the Doctor. “Be civil! Honestly!” Fed up, I made to leave the two of them and go to the kitchen to pour myself a well-earned glass of wine, when Mum caught me by the sleeve.

“Blimey, Rose!” she whispered at me. “That Howard fella ‘as wings!”

“Yeah, well spotted! And tentacles!”

“No, no, no! The wings! ‘E’ll never fit into any of my jumpers! Never! And ‘e’s so bleedin’ skinny and all. (Blimey, ‘e makes the Doctor look like a sumo wrestler, ‘e does!) The jumper I made would be…”

“Mum, you don’t need to worry. He’ll understand, I’m sure.”

She burst into tears. “But I wanted everyone to ‘ave… and now ‘e’ll be without something from me… An’ it’s Christmas…”

The Doctor stepped up, concerned. He put a gentle hand on Mum’s shoulder. “What’s wrong? If it’s what I said, Jackie… you know I was just taking the mick.”

“No, no, no… nothin’ like that, ya plum.” She patted his cheek and gave him a watery smile. “I’m jus’ disappointed is all.” She excused herself and rushed off in the direction of the powder room.

“What was all that about?”

“Promise you won’t tell her I told you?”

“Oh, you know I can keep a secret, Rose! Besides, I know better than to cross Jackie Tyler by leaking sensitive information. C’mon, give.”

I explained to him about Mum’s dilemma, how she had knitted ugly Christmas jumpers for everyone (his face blanched, probably imagining what she might have created for him) and now because of Hrau-Ard’s unexpected physical attributes, none of the jumpers she had set aside would ever possibly fit.

“Well, I could help,” he suggested. “She’s probably not going to like it much, and I can’t say I’m much of a fan of it myself, but I have an idea that just might work… if she’s willing.”

--ooOoo--

Everyone was so busy with canapes and punch and cocktails they never noticed Mum and the Doctor bundling into the TARDIS and the TARDIS dematerializing. The TARDIS was proud to be showing off her new “Silent Mode”: there was only a little bit of a breeze to indicate she had ever been there. (My little darling.)

They had only been gone for about ten minutes before the TARDIS rematerialized and Mum burst through the doors, beaming and carrying a neatly wrapped parcel: Hrau-Ard’s gift. To my utter amazement, she turned back to stroke the TARDIS’ doorframe, planting a soft kiss on the blue wood. “Thank-you, sweetheart. You’re a wonder, you are.”

The TARDIS hummed in response, a wonderfully joyous sound, as Mum practically skipped over to the Christmas tree to tuck the present underneath.

The Doctor stepped up beside me, closing the TARDIS doors behind him. “They hit it off like a house on fire,” he told me, “the pair of them, thick as thieves. Turns out when your Mum was ill a few years ago, and I put her in stasis, the TARDIS kept her company in her mind; they became fast friends. Brilliant!” He grinned down at me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me against him as we followed Mum to the tree. Then he paused, and I glanced up at him to ask why we had stopped. The grin melted from his face. “Although… I don’t much like the idea of the two of them plotting against me behind my back.”

I just laughed and put my head on his shoulder. “Blimey… you’re getting a bit paranoid! How long were you gone in your timestream?”

“Five and a half days, Rose. Five and a half days… with Jackie Tyler on my TARDIS! That’s enough to make anyone paranoid!”

I admit, Santa, I shamelessly started to laugh harder. “How did you ever survive?”

“After the first day, I learned pretty quick to keep my head down. I made myself scarce.”

“Oh, you’ll be all right.” I nudged him with my elbow. “They won’t plot against you…” (…much, I added silently.)

“I heard that!” He arched an irritable eyebrow at me. “Do you realize she’s got her own room, Rose? No, not room, suite! The TARDIS gave her an entire suite of rooms with her own telly and a little galley too!”

“Awww, that’s lovely.” I was warmed through that the TARDIS had welcomed Mum so enthusiastically. My darling husband, however, was another matter. “Don’t worry, Doctor, I’ll protect you from any plotting. C’mon, we better hurry. I don’t think Mum will be able to contain herself much longer.”

Mum was gathering everyone together, so she could hand out her creations, and getting a bit shirty at people who weren’t paying attention, so I dragged the Doctor over by the hand and found a comfortable seat for us.

Content that everyone was present and listening to her, Mum spoke: “I’ve decided to start a new Tyler-family tradition: Ugly Christmas Jumpers! Made by yours truly.” She preened and there was a round of groans from the family and a perplexed hoot from Hrau-Ard. “Oi! They’re not really ugly… that’s jus’ w’at they’re called, yeah. See I’m wearin’ one.” She stood up to show off the jumper she was wearing. It was made of soft, silvery yarn and she had sewn tinsel across the front to form the words “Don’t get your tinsel in a twist,” in cursive script. Of course, she also had tinsel tied around her up-do. She looked sparkly and lovely. My Mum… She’s been through so much in her life, experienced so many odd things, and taken it all in stride; things that would make most people go completely loopy. I love her so much. I was positively chuffed to see her so happy, handing out brightly coloured parcels to all our family.

Dad was the first one to get his present, and he was a real sport about it, donning both his new Santa jumper and the Santa hat Mum had included in his parcel. Everyone burst out laughing when he stood up and smoothed his jumper down over his tummy, and said: “Do you think this makes me look fat? Ho-ho-ho!”

“Oh, sit down, you!” Mum admonished, but I could tell she was pleased as punch.

After that there was great excitement as we all opened our packages. Abby’s jumper was the cutest little thing, with an adorable gingerbread man wearing a Santa hat on a bright, red background. There were miniature gingerbread men down the sleeves and a few white strategically-placed snowflakes. I figure it’ll be a new favourite piece of clothing for her doting daddies!

Javic’s jumper featured a grumpy Santa reading his list of children’s names. The words “I’m at the top of Santa’s naughty list,” were emblazoned underneath. He was ecstatic, claiming it couldn’t have been more perfect. My jumper was… well, glorious in it’s tackiness! And I loved it! Oh, Santa, it was TARDIS blue, and a string of knitted fairy lights trailed all over it. In the middle, the fairy lights formed the words “Merry and Bright” and were lit up with little LEDs. Mum had outdone herself.

Hrau-Ard seemed uncertain what to do with his package, but Charlie soon sorted him out, helping him unwrap the gift. He held the jumper up in front of him, looking around at everyone else trying theirs on. He peered at the design on the front, all of his eyes trained on the bright patterns, and gave a long low hoot.

“Well, are ya goin’ to put it on, then?” Charlie prompted. “Here, I’ll help ya!” Together, the two of them made short work of slipping off Hrau-Ard’s tan tunic and replacing it with the jumper.

Hrau-Ard stood up out of his chair to show his jumper off. It was long, like the undertunic he wore, dropping to mid-thigh, and had perfectly aligned spaces for all four of his upper limbs and his wings.

“The TARDIS helped Jackie with the proper design and style, so it was compatible with his cultural expectations and with his body configuration,” the Doctor murmured in my ear. “She even provided all the yarn, if you can believe that!”

I took a closer look at the jumper. It featured an green-clad elf body on a scarlet background. Like Dad’s jumper, Hrau-Ard’s head took the place of the elf’s head. The words underneath said: “Take an ‘elfie with me!” It was hilarious! We were all in stitches, especially Hrau-Ard, who particularly appreciated the pun in the wording, and was honking with joy, and pulling out his mobile to take ‘elfies with everyone.

I couldn’t help but notice Therin was the only one not laughing. He wasn’t even smiling. He sat on the other side of the room glowering at Charlie and Hrau-Ard and their easy familiarity. Clearly, he hadn’t gotten over Charlie. He still loved her, despite her obvious disinterest in him… at least as a romantic partner. My heart absolutely ached for him as he quietly trudged out of the room, wearing his Fair Isle T-rex jumper.

“I should go check on him,” I whispered to the Doctor.  

“Nah, he needs to work this out for himself, love. He can’t change what’s in his heart. He just needs time to come to terms with it.”

“I hate to see him so miserable though… I wish I could−”

“Oi!” Mum’s shriek of disapproval cut through my thoughts. “Where’s your jumper, then, Doctor?”

The Doctor shifted nervously next to me, and I felt his crushing fear in my mind. He picked at the wrapping paper on the package in his lap.  

“C’mon then, ya big baby! Open it up! I made it special, jus’ for you.”

“That… that’s what worries me,” he muttered under his breath.

“Here, I’ll help you,” I offered. Honestly, Santa, Mum was right. He was being a big baby about it. Coward every time. “Best get it over with, like ripping a plaster off.”

“I don’t like plasters, and I don’t like the sound of your mum saying, ‘special just for you’. That, right there, Rose, sends my entire brain into mauve status!”

“C’mon, how bad can it be?” Even as I said the words, I glanced over at Mum who was watching the Doctor with a piercing, self-satisfied eye, and I braced myself. “Never mind. Just get it over with, yeah.”

By this time, we had the attention of the whole room, and the Doctor in a less-than-convincing act of enthusiasm, tore away the wrapping paper in one fell swoop. He reached into the shredded paper and pulled out the jumper, holding it up gingerly. Santa, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. I swear the tears were pouring down my face, and the Doctor was scowling at me.

I better explain. The torso and most of the arms of the jumper were mostly brown. Around the cuffs of the arms, and at certain places over the shoulders were knitted green leaves. Some of them also trailed over the torso and back. When we lifted the arms of the jumper, we found dangling from their undersides none other than beautifully crafted, little knit pears! Pears, Santa, which as I’m sure you know are the fruit the Doctor despises most in the universe… for reasons that have never been very clear to me.

The crowning glory was the gigantic bird sewn firmly to the left shoulder: a partridge.

Mum had given the Doctor a Partridge in a Pear Tree-themed jumper!

Strangely, the bird was not knitted but a small-scale but realistic model, complete with feathers… and that gave me pause for thought, and trust me when I say the thoughts were not optimistic for the Doctor…

“Well, w’at are you waitin’ for?” Mum barked. “Put it on, then?”

“What? You expect me to wear this travesty… this… this pitiable excuse for clothing? Nope. Nope. Nope. Not happening.”

“Oh, just put it on, Dad!” Hope cajoled from across the room. “We’re all wearing them.”

“Yours don’t have pears and a great bloody bird attached, do they?”

“The jumpers are splendid!” Hrau-Ard spoke up with an earnest honk. “This is the most comfortable piece of clothing I have ever owned. And it is humorous too. Doctor, you really should try yours.”

Mum just about melted on the spot at Hrau-Ard’s compliment. “Oh, Howard! You’re such a love. But, you’re just sayin’ that!”

“No, I am sincere, Jackie. It is perfect. I think I like Christmas. And Ugly Christmas Jumpers!”

“Well then, sweetheart, I’ll make you another for next year, yeah?

Howard… I mean Hrau-Ard hooted happily in response, and Mum turned her attention back to the Doctor, by which I mean, she glared daggers at him.

“Oh, all right,” the Doctor conceded, “…if it means I don’t have to listen to any more of your harping,” he added under his breath. He stalked off to the downstairs loo, crushing the jumper in his clenched fist.

“I better go help him out…” I made my excuses and rushed off after him.

I heard Wilfred snickering to Hope, Gray, and Tianza, as I passed them. “Ten quid says they’re off for a snog… or worse.”

Hope just laughed. “No deal, little brother! That’s a sure thing.”

“Oi!” (I’m sorry, I had to protest!) “Enough out of you lot!”

“C’mon, Mum, face it,” Charlie interjected, “you two are an embarrassment.”

“Yeah,” Wilfred agreed, “I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve had to spring the two of you from prison for public indecency.”

“Oi, what’s this then?” Mum leaned in for more tidbits of information, and I cleared out of the room as fast as I could.

Exasperated, I knocked on the powder room door. “Doctor, it’s just me.”

He opened the door to let me in.

“Blimey, we’ll have to watch ourselves. That lot are making wagers on whether or not we shag in here, and they’re telling Mum all about our arrests…”

He groaned, sniffing in disdain. “Bloody brilliant! Christmas, an annual excuse for almost completely unfounded gossip and rumour.”

“Exactly!”

“And then there’s this…” He held up the jumper. “I don’t know why I have to put on this preposterous get-up?”

“Because as I recall, a few years back, you mucked about with Mum’s dishwasher. Now it’s payback time,” I reminded him. “C’mon then…” I helped him pull off the (sexy) red jumper he was currently wearing, and I couldn’t resist running my fingers through the sparse hair on his chest. “Tell you what, though: if you’re a good boy and put the jumper on, I will make it very much worth your while…”

“Oh, yes!”

I dropped to my knees in front of him.

“What? Right now?”

“I’ll make it quick… I know all your secrets.”

He growled at me, his eyes darkening. “I’ll be wanting another round later tonight, Tyler.”

“You think so, do ya?”

“Of course, I’ll be happy to return the favour. I’ll make you come so hard, your screams will be heard all the way to Gallifrey and back! Think you’re up for that?”

I gazed up at him with what I hoped was a seductive smile and stroked him where he was now straining against the front of his trousers. “You’re on! But the real question is, can you manage not to scream? We don’t really need that lot making any more wagers at our expense.”

--ooOoo--

Sorry Santa, got off on a bit of a tangent there… It happens sometimes, as you’re well aware.

So… where was I? Oh, yeah, so fifteen minutes later, we came out of the loo. With my help (holding the partridge), we managed to get the jumper over the Doctor’s head. He looked very, very, extremely not happy, despite my recent… erm… display of affection. “I feel ridiculous!” he gritted out to me.

“It’s just for a few hours, love.” I patted his arm and took his hand for moral support and made bloody sure to conceal my amusement from him.

As we returned to the living room, out the corner of my eye, I was pretty certain I saw some money changing hands, although, to his credit, the Doctor had kept very quiet and I had checked that my hair and make-up were in order. Maybe they were wagering on whether he’d be wearing the jumper… Who knows?

Anyway, I had to agree with the Doctor’s assessment: the jumper did look more than a bit silly, but everyone cheered and laughed at it.  They were having so much fun over it, and the Doctor ended up being a good sport, showing it off, spreading his arms and making silly faces about the “vile” pears dangling from them.

I admit, I kept to myself the fact that I thought there had to be more to it than just a jumper with pears and a big, daft bird. Mum had waited years to get her revenge. She wasn’t about to let him off with something so… simple. I could only wonder what she had planned and when it would happen.

As it turned out, I didn’t have to wonder very long.

It was only a few minutes later when Mum called us all over for supper. She, of course, had place-cards at every setting. The Doctor was sat between Hrau-Ard and Gray, somewhere in the middle of one long side of the table, and Mum and I were directly across from them. Charlie was on the other side of Hrau-Ard; Noah and Tony were sat on either side of Abby, who was in Tony’s old high chair at one end of the table; and Dad was at the other end. Everyone else was scattered randomly around.

As the first course was served, everyone began to chatter to one another. The Doctor seemed quite relaxed, but I couldn’t help noticing the way Mum’s eyes kept fixing on him as he made cheerful small talk to everyone around him. Her lips pursed reflexively every time he stopped talking. She tried a couple of times to get Dad to tell us about something that had happened at work, but he had insisted he didn’t want to talk shop. He was determined to take some time away from it.

“Fine,” Mum muttered under her breath, “just tryin’ to liven up the conversation. Honestly.”

“I thought we were having a lovely time,” I told her. “Everyone’s relaxed and chatting… well except Therin, but you know… What’s going on? You’re up to something. I know you. You never ask Dad about Torchwood.”

“Pfffft, don’t be daft! Course I ask ‘im. And jus’ w’at do you mean ‘up to somethin’’? W’at could I possibly be up to?” With that, she turned deliberately away from me and began speaking to Hope about the progress of the Lunar settlements and asking her how she was finding living on a base. “I don’ know if I could take it, yeah. No fresh air, being cooped up inside all the time. I think I’d lose my mind, yeah.”

The Doctor’s eyes brightened as he responded to her. I was relieved he didn’t end up spewing out something rude about her already having lost her mind years back, which honestly seemed like it would be the natural course of the conversation. Instead, he launched into one of his diatribes about the environmental systems on the bases and how they purify the air.

With a smirk, Mum sat back in her seat to listen.

“…and remarkably, the fundamental design never changes from base to base, year after year. It’ll be centuries before someone gets the bright idea that basic human needs aren’t quite being met by–″ He was cut off when the partridge on his shoulder swung around and flapped its tail across his face. He frowned, spun the bird back around, and began to speak again.

This time the bird nipped his ear.

“Fuck!” he shouted in pain, which of course was mimicked loudly by Abby at the other end of the table.

“You dolt!” Mum snapped. “Now, look what you’ve done!”

“Oi! It’s your blasted bird that bit me! Oi! It just did it again!”

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Giggles erupted from the little girl as her daddies tried to shush her, and everyone had a good laugh.

Except Mum (“Don’t be so stupid! It’s not a real bird, ya numpty!”); and the Doctor, who glowered at Mum but (remarkably) held his tongue.

“Mum,” I hissed at her, “it bit him. I saw it.”

“Bit him? Stuff and nonsense!”

The Doctor shook his head at me, and at his telepathic request, I decided not to pursue it any further.

Abby had calmed down again, her new word forgotten as quickly as it had come, and normal conversation resumed around the table as the main course was served. It wasn’t long before the Doctor had dived into a conversation about the most current medical breakthroughs with Gray and with Hrau-Ard, who was apparently training as a physician as well. They bantered back and forth for a short time and then the Doctor launched into a long discourse about the benefits of some sort of medical scanner or other. About a minute in, the bird wheeled around, slapping him in the face with its tail once more, and another few seconds after that, it bit him again.

“Right! Ow! Again, you bloody– Ow!” He dug into his trouser pockets for his sonic, threatening the bird with it. “Now, we’ll sort– Blimey! STOP! Ow!”

I glanced over at Mum who was chuckling away to herself, while everyone else was up, getting ready to help the Doctor. Oh, she knew exactly what was going on. And I had no doubt she had orchestrated it.

Hrau-Ard had stood up and was holding the bird still, his tentacled appendages wrapped around it securely. He was doing a great job keeping it from pecking at the Doctor’s ear, which seemed to happen every time he tried to talk.

Mum scoffed next to me. “Talks far too much, anyway, that one. Maybe this will teach ‘im to keep quiet and not monopolize the conversation.”

“So, this was you, then? How the hell did you...?”

“Oh, sweetheart, it only goes off when ‘e natters on for too long. It resets again after ‘e’s given our ears a bit of a break.”

“But…”

“Oh, I know a few of the folks down in Tech. They were quite ‘appy to do me a little favour, especially after ‘imself barged in there a month or so back and told ‘em they were sequencin’ somethin’-or-other all wrong.”

“He told me about that. It was all wrong!”

“Well, seems they didn’t like ‘is tone… all ‘igh and mighty and ‘I’m so clever’.”

I flopped back in my chair, and just shook my head. I returned my attention to the other side of the table where the Doctor had adjusted the settings on his sonic and was brandishing it at the animatronic bird.

“Oi,” Mum yelped, “don’t you damage my bird.”

“Priorities, Jackie! Your bloody bird is trying to damage me. Do you realize how hard I had to concentrate to get these ears… not to mention this hair?”

“It is really great hair,” I agreed.

“Oh, shush you!” Mum shot me a scathing look.

“Right then! Allons-y!” Heedless of my mum’s protests, the Doctor activated the screwdriver pointing it at his feathered attacker, and several things happened all at once.

The strangest screeching sound reverberated from Hrau-Ard’s crests in harmonics that mimicked the sonic. He lost his grip on the bird and doubled over, two of his appendages flying to his crests. “This tickles! This tickles! I think I am about to…”

The bird, freed from it’s confines, resumed its attack on the Doctor’s ear, feathers flying everywhere. The Doctor, fumbled his sonic screwdriver, caught it again, and made a quick adjustment to the frequency, constantly yammering and threatening the bird and Mum, not quite making the connection that if he just shut up, the stupid thing would stop pecking him. Finally finding an opening, he pressed the tip of the sonic to the bird’s breast, activating it with a triumphant “Ha!”

Hrau-Ard had resumed his composure once the sonic had stopped but started making that bizarre sound from his crests again once it was reactivated. His facial filaments were absolutely trembling. “It is happening again. I am going to… I am going to…″

The sound seemed to amplify the effects of the sonic. The hapless partridge stopped its attack, but its entire body began to pulse as the wailing hoots from Hrau-Ard’s crest intensified. Everyone was covering their ears, except the Doctor who had turned off the sonic, and was watching in horror, from the corner of his eye, the ominous pulsing of the bird on his left shoulder.

“I am going to–″ Hrau-Ard shouted, and his crests shrieked in a final eruption of noise, and the bird’s body suddenly exploded with a massive blast, sending feathers, sparks, and electronic gizmos everywhere.

“–sneeze,” Hrau-Ard hooted into the silence that had fallen over us all.

A long moment later, just as everyone was catching their collective breath, the Doctor yelped, as cinders from the explosion caught in his hair, causing it to smoulder and burn. “Ow, ow, ow! Blimey! My face! My hair!”

Abby started howling; everyone started shouting; I leaped across the top of the table to get to my poor husband; and Gray, the only one maintaining his composure, picked up a pitcher of ice water and dumped it over the Doctor’s head.

The Doctor sat there, completely stunned, as water dripped from his fringe into his face.

“Oh my God! Doctor!” I pulled his damp body against me, hugging him tight. “Are you all right?” I pulled back from the hug to look him in the face. I took in the angry red welts, the burned hair and…

He must have seen my astonishment. “What? What is it?”

“Your… your left eyebrow. It’s… it’s gone…”

“What? What?” His fingers flew to his brow, where the hair had been singed away. “WHAT?”

“And some of your hair… just up the left side…”

“Jackie Tyler!” he bellowed. He made to get up from his chair, but Gray shoved him back into it.

“Sit still! You have burns. I’ll need to use the dermal regenerator on them.”

“It won’t bring back my eyebrow, though, will it? My left eyebrow too. It’s my most expressive one,” he added wistfully.

Mum had come rushing around the table. “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry! That wasn’t supposed to happen. I’ll cut your hair for ya, real nice. And your eyebrow will grow back again in no time, I expect.”

“Yeah, I suppose it will,” he said relaxing a bit. “And more expressive than ever! Makes you think, what would I ever do without eyebrows?” He shuddered at the thought. “And, Jackie, I have to admit, you couldn’t have known that the sonic would resonate with Hrau-Ard’s crests and make the bird explode like that. Though, I have to say, good riddance!”

“It is all my fault. I must apologize profusely,” Hrau-Ard hooted, his wings fluttering.

Mum protested, “Oh, no, Howard!”

“Nah, she’s right, Hrau-Ard,” the Doctor reassured him, “don’t be silly! But now I know not to use my sonic at that frequency in your presence.” He beamed. “Besides, what fun would Christmas be without a little bit of unexpected excitement?”

“At least there aren’t any blinkin’ killer Christmas trees, yeah?” Mum pointed out, as Gray finished up with the dermal regenerator.

“Oh yes! Too true. Looking on the bright side, Jackie. Do it while you can, because you know what…?” He bounded out of his chair, tore the remnants of the hapless partridge from his shoulder, and plucked the Santa hat from Dad’s head. He shoved it over his wet, scorched hair and with a wicked grin spreading over his face, he sang: “Jackie Tyler… you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout. I’m telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town.”

Oh, God, Santa, the look on Mum’s face. “Oh, you wouldn’t dare…”

“And Santa isn’t happy, Jackie. Really, you better watch out…” He skipped away out of the dining room, heading directly for the kitchen.

Mum took off after him. “You stay away from my appliances. You’re a bleedin’ hellion, you are,” she shouted.

Hrau-Ard honked in alarm and pulled Charlie next to him, wrapping his tentacles around her.

“Don’t worry, love,” Charlie sounded resigned, “you get used to it once you’ve been around this crowd long enough. We’re all a bit mental, but we all love one another.”

So, there it is, Santa. A typical Tyler-Noble Christmas!

I spent quite a while trying to intercept the Doctor before he did any damage to Mum’s kitchen... and other things. I actually found him mucking about in her en suite. Not sure if he managed to do anything before I caught up to him and got him back home, but at least I got to him before Mum did. Like I said before, he looks far too pleased with himself, despite the missing eyebrow and the singed hair. He must have left some sort of surprise behind for Mum. No doubt I’ll hear about it soon enough.

And right now, I’m just waiting for him to “return the favour” he promised me in Mum’s powder room earlier, something about making me scream so loud I’d be heard all the way to Gallifrey. He’s just spending an awful long time in the loo... probably trying out my eyebrow pencils, if I know him. Maybe later I’ll take the TARDIS out, go back a few days, and get him some of his own for his stocking before everyone gets up tomorrow morning.

Happy Christmas, Santa. Give my love to all. Sorry for going off on a bit of a tangent earlier. I was just lying here, waiting for the Doctor and thinking… Oh, I reckon you’re used to it by now, yeah. There’ve been a few tangents over the years and I haven’t had a lump of coal yet. But, just saying, if you feel the urge to leave a lump of coal in the Doctor’s and my mum’s stockings, by all means, go right ahead! I’m all for it!

                                                                                                                                 Love, Rose

[bluebirdzykaysies]

5.14 - day before momma leaves

Goddamnit I hate to admit it but I’m already thinking and crying like a baby in my head once my mom leaves me to go back home to sf. the feeling is mutual like melissa said cause she’ll probably be just as a wreck and all this time I’ve been spending with her, I’m cherishing even more. I’ve never felt like this and Victoria said the same thing; expecting that while I transition. But everyone needs to experience this. I DO, especially. I need the time away for a bit to miss them and I already miss those interactions with my brothers too of just lounging in the living room watching NBA games all night, or youtube videos like its judyslife or ustheduo.

Our lives have changed already and itll be so hard as I am bawling my eyes out, sitting in my newly mounted dining table my mom and I put together, facing outwards my window with the Chicago sun, beaming through at a whopping 54 degrees.

This is my life now, I will be on my own and making decisions on my own. Ive told a few folks that I’m sad yet annoyed my moms time here was a bit much. But I know it was perfect for what it is. We’ve been tired each and everytime, her actions speak volumes and our conversations arent as deep as I want, but I know this quality time was one that will impact my life forever. Even though I hate to admit it or will say this to her face. i love my mom. so much, she means so much to me and my brothers. The amount of things she does unselfishly aka drive my freaking car with just her and hector for 5 days cross country. do what she did to make me help settle, there is no one like her. and I will forever appreciate her and love her.

She is opinionated and still felt like I couldnt decide for myself but this will be also a time where I speak up and use my voice. Saying NO.

ugh the tears keep falling down but some highlights from this past week were:

- Silly vlog videos that I actually may put together when I get the time

- 5/6; arrived - went to container store to buy my elfa shelving for my closet. Super nice lady that worked there Hector spoke to. Went to world market to check out their furniture and standing mirrors. TJ Maxx/HomeGoods and picked up some bathroom essentials, shower curtain, mats and beddings, Facetimed Yan/Ronz/Brent+Rick at night (10pm CST) 

Mom stayed with Hector at Courtyard Marriot til Saturday 5/8. So I wanted to stay at the apartment for the first time alone and enjoy the moment and soak it all in. Parking at my garage alone, randomly waking up to the SUNRISE at 545am and just being in awe of my new city... I could just cry

Didn’t get my wifi set up yet so the struggle was real a bit. The air mattress we got from costco has been tough to sleep on but eventually Ill get my mattress. Just have been torn with my furniture not being here since everything was rushed and happened so quickly. Learnings from the move thus far:

-Write a damn list, I DID NOT. Aka thats why a bunch of junk and unnecessary things were with my mom and hector in the car. All couldve been bought here. I ocouldve taken more clothes and shoes

-Alot of my clothes aka my favorite jean jacket and pink/mauve henley was left at home. My running shoes - I decided not to prioritize idk fucking why *rolls eyes* and alot of my other valuables. Brendan is nice enough to ship it. Its not worth to buy a RT flight and go there and take it all back with me... no. :( I would though tbh if I was in LA. lol make couple trips but I’m far enough that its like.... whewww is it worth but one day I will come back and visit. For now, its slated for Oct

5/7 Friday; I had it off started the day late at 12pm and booked my mom, hector and myself tickets to the skydeck. my mom was HILARIOUS, she was scared at first and thought it would be a huge platform to see under but once she saw its just a small piece of glass over 105 floors, it wasnt THAT bad. Her and hector are hilarious together and annoying a little LOL. but I guess they’re cute

Went to Wrigley Field while there was a game and that was an experience. Fans at the top of their houses, Security all over the block, streets closed, fans everywhere. Its such a historical building in the middle of a freaking neighborhood so it made itself unique vs att/oracle park being so secluded down in mission bay.

RPM Steak for dinner in River North. Valet’d the car and Hector treated us to a Missouri Steak? it was bomb though but I wanted Medium and he wanted medium rare... cream of spinach, mac and cheese, asparagus and for dessert topped with a Baked Alaskan. Whatever that is. (It was good) and my first time trying it.. me and mom. Our waitor was a nice lady in her 30s, gave me tori kelly vibes. Then another worker stopped by our table who looked filipino for sure (Rox’s ex Dennis look a like) but I already for got his name. He told us how he lived in West Town too and would eat at this bomb restaurant called “Uncle Mikes” maybe the ‘superstar’ of chicago :) hectors jokes were a bit much saying climbing up the coconut tree and asking if he can make halo halo in the back for dessert. No sir....

5/8 Saturday; Plan was to visit Macys downtown to check out furniture at around 930am. But they werent open til 11am. We checked out the Bean at Millenium Park and my mom got to see all the tulips and flowers. We waited in line for a while at Stans Donuts since Wildberry was just too WILD and packed, so we walked a block down and had ourselves some coffee and donuts for the day. After we headed to Macys and were greeted by a tall man name Hilary. he’s THEEE BEST. he knew we didnt have to buy anything from him at macys but he’s such a sales guy and has been in this business for so long that he kept tlaking about Quality of furniture and making yourself feel comfy and at home. Being in a small apt, or living out alone for the first time, separating each section once winter hits so you’re not bored out of your mind in the small place. He was so friendly and nice, I took his business card. Went to Ashley’s on the way to the airport and got gas. Feel in love with the small dinette table they had but the one I’m sitting on now I feel like is just perfect. Soletren couch will forever be out of stock and I will never let this go :( honestly dont know how itll fit in my door but i guess i will settle for something reasonable and decent in size

IVE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY. . . . . . . I cant even. I got paid today so todays check will be sponsoring all of my credit card funds. Gna just pay it off in full so I dont have to deal with it. But going forward a budget will be set. and luckily some of the things I bought work can reimburse so I’ll do expenses sunday perhaps.

Saturday evening after dropping off hector, we did errands in the suburbs and went to a walmart. a bit ghetto lookin but its fine. Decided to go to costco after but had an incidentn with this white man who bumped my car and didnt apologize. I was going to say something but we’re so far out in the suburbs Idk what the hell he wouldve done to me. And if they’re racist out there. took the long way home and it was prob not through the safest neighbor hoods but my mom didnt have to know since traffic on the freeway was just ALOT. omg and the roads are just so bumpy, my poor car. Becca said she has a guy at a shop her family always goes to so hopefuully I wont need him but just nice to know the option is there.

Went to the costco up by roscoe village and bought food and more essentials like medicine i have a whole pharmacy.  again throughout all this, my mom is the MVP. I wouldve been like, Ill go get it when I need it vs mom stocking up beforehand. We ended up setting my living room with a japanese style seating using my elfa shelving as the table and a towel over it. Leftovers from RPM for dinner and ribs/salad from costco. (I keep eating, and we’re not walking alot so....... I’m def gaining wait and will need to lose this asap)

I’ll be back more to cover this past week; mothers day, ikea, seafood city, hanging with becca, azul mariscos, drunk at ross and dollar tree, pants falling (mom) unbuttoned pants cuz we’re so ‘stuffffffed’ hanging with the boys via facetime cause I do miss them :( I need to havea schedule with them.

kk toodles. time to go back to work. no more crying (maybe) then an architecture tour with my mom <3 and dinner at a steakhouse at MJ’s on Michigan Ave BYeeeee

[gifsbysimplysonia]

End of Day Sh!t Post - August 9, 2019

Today was SO DEAD at work that my co-worker and I left at lunch time so we could come on and work the rest of the day from home lol. We were like “If we do it together, less likely anyone will say anything to us.” And if they do ... I mean, there’s hardly anyone in the office on Fridays (which is part of the reason I like it; it’s SO LOUD where I sit otherwise), they have been keeping the office FREEZING in the summer time and we sit right under a vent, so we were both frozen today. We saw no point and our job duties aren’t dependent on us being in the office soooooooooooooo. Hopefully nobody notices or says anything cuz it doesn’t seem like anyone does when 1 of our co-workers literally disappears from her desk for 2 or 3 hours at a time, or another of our co-workers works several days from home with no valid reason (cuz we are only allowed a certain # of days at home; like I have earned 2). 

I went and got lunch and went to the post office when I left the office, got home, logged back on and it was still DEAD AS A DOORNAIL in terms of cases (not) coming in so I signed into a Personal Branding & Social Squad seminar. I’m NOT a sales person so I don’t need this at all as far as I’m concerned, but I figured, nothing else was going on. 

At one point, they asked us all:

And the first answers are supposed to be in terms of your job, but THEN you are supposed to consider it on a personal level. And, like, nothing I could think of for myself as a person was positive? LOL

What am I known for? Being a spazz, being too much, being loud

What am I passionate about? Pro-wrestling, drag queens, Chris Evans/Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes/Sebastian Stan, writing fan fiction - like, those are NOT the right answers lol

What are my strengths? .......... *crickets* Actually, I think I’m pretty good at being supportive? BUT ... I’m not sure that translates to a professional environment. Cuz if I don’t trust you as a teammate? I am SO doing the bare minimum for you because you’ve already let me down or  made me look bad. But the people who show me they are willing to learn, work with me, and trust me at what I do? I kind of spoil them and go above and beyond cuz it’s like, “Oh ok, you do for me so anything you need, I got you.” Whereas personally, if you’re a friend, I’ma have your back REGARDLESS. I honestly can’t think of another strength, though. Like, professionally, I am attentive to details, I am fast at what I do, I work hard, and all of that is reflected in my case ratings, thank gosh. But personally? I have never felt like I’m a strong PERSON. I feel like I’m just out here existing, using oxygen and taking up space. I don’t know that I have any VALUE beyond what I do at my job, y’know? Like, at least when I’m working, I am useful in some capacity. When I’m just being me? Not so much.

What’s my communication style? Loud & obnoxious? At work, we had to get assessed about what style we are, and my results shocked the hell out of me:

Driver

Hard-working and ambitious, drivers tend to be the group leaders who value getting the job done with excellent results.  Drivers are apt to be decisive, competitive, hard driving and good at delegating to others.  They like to be where the action is and are likely to enjoy taking risks.  Their focus is on winning, being successful and making things happen.  They need options and prefer it when others are direct.

On the downside, they can be pushy, demanding, dominating, tough and exclude others from decision-making.  Under stress, they become autocratic and order others around.

I would categorize myself as:

Analytical

Quick to think and slow to speak, the Analytic person values accuracy in the details and likes to be right.  This is a person who plans thoroughly before deciding to act, is persistent, highly organized, cautious and logical.  The Analytical prefers to work alone and has a tendency to be introverted.

The Analytical person is focused on process, tasks and doing things the right way.  They prefer a rational approach, logical thinking, solid documentation and careful planning.  The down side is that they can be critical, picky, perfectionistic and stubborn, as well as indecisive.  Their tendency under stress is to avoid others.

Analytical is SO me, just even in life! But for whatever reason, the questions I answered resulted in me being a Driver, which I think is BS. 

What do I want to be FOUND for? I’m not sure I understand this question. Like, if someone Googles me, what category do I wanna come up under? I’m not sure about this one. Ideally, in a perfect world, I’d want to come up under “writing” or “writer” but that’s not how things are. 

Then they started going through setting up a good LinkedIn Profile and I’m not on there so I tuned out after “You need a professional headshot.” This is all stuff I’m sure I SHOULD pay attention to in case I end up in the job market again because, as this seminar said, all first impressions seem to be digital nowadays. But like ... I’m a mess in person and online so it fits that those would match I guess lol. 

I hate self reflecting or analyzation cuz I can never come up with overwhelming positives so I’m always left feeling wanting, y’know? Why is it so much easier to be hard on ourselves than to think or believe anything positive/complimentary?

Does anyone else flat out PANIC when they get a new follower on here? I think the goal for MOST is to gain followers to reach a wider audience, but not for me cuz I have nothing to say or nothing significant to share. So when someone starts following me and it’s not just a porn blog ... I’m like, oh NO someone got DUPED by something I did or said and now they are going to follow expecting, like, something of quality! And when it never happens, they are going to be so upset they wasted the time!! :( 

One person from my past told me getting involved with me was false advertising and I just ... that has always been a net around my mind and heart. I don’t want to EVER unintentionally “fool” anyone EVER AGAIN. That’s why I try to broadcast it everywhere I can:

And most people think it’s a joke, but I’m just trying to be as HONEST as possible so y’all can hit that unfollow and not waste your time or be disappointed in any way. I, like, have nothing to offer so if you came here looking, I’m so sorry! 

[moldybreadguys]

how the dillyio did I not notice this survey I was tagged in almost a month ago

@lunatics-on-the-grass was kind enough to tag Danny V in a survey, and now he must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people some cool folk!

THE LAST:

1. Drink: almost a full gallon of milk

2. Phone call: the homie Cory, who needed to know about an irresponsible thing I did last Monday

3. Text message: eh Stevie!, who I’m gonna be collabbing with on a song soon

4. Song you listened to: the theme from The Journeyman Project cuz it’s soooo good

5. Time you cried: Saturday night, in the midst of a very bad emotional night

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: yes. 10/10 do not recommend

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: yeppers

8. Been cheated on: yupperoni

9. Lost someone special: oh yeah

10. Been depressed: Yes | Definition of Yes by Merriam-Webster

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: several times, typically means imma be hungover for the next day lol

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. blues

13. reds

14. silvers

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: very yes

16. Fallen out of love: it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I was in love with someone, bub

17. Laughed until you cried: not this year

18. Found out someone was talking about you: wouldn’t be surprised

19. Met someone who changed you: several actually. one in particular hurt me really badly, but another has been a real good boon for me

20. Found out who your friends are: to an extent

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: once

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: a decent majority of them, though there are those that know me only by association

23. Do you have any pets: I wish. my apartment woulda charged me a deposit fee if I had and my parents won’t let me have one now, sooo

24. Do you want to change your name: nahh, I like being dan vallerand

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: read the entry for 7/2 here, but on my actual birthday I visited parents, met up with a girl from Patterson at a coffee shop (but it didn’t go well) and cracked open many cold ones with the boys later that night

26. What time did you wake up: 7am, cuz lol, busy morning today

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: succumbing to sleep deprivation

28. Name something you can’t wait for: honestly, a better life where I’m actually successful with my music, people like me, I have a better job, my own condo, and am with someone that genuinely cares about me and won’t disappear after 3 months

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like a few mins ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my issues with self-doubt

31. What are you listening right now: the many song fragments rumbling about in my head

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: several, lol

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: I don’t want to talk about it publicly

34. Most visited Website: idk, I never really pay attention to that

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME

35. Mole/s: one big one, but it’s been there forever

36. Mark/s: just heart surgery scars

37. Childhood dream: having friends, siblings, a bigger family, fitting in with classmates better, etc

38. Haircolour: a light brown

39. Long or short hair: eh. I don’t look good with short hair

40. Do you have a crush on someone: i doubt she feels the same

41. What do you like about yourself: my singing voice for sure!

42. Piercings: nah, i’m cool

43. Bloodtype: I genuinely don’t know but I can say I can’t give blood due to being on blood thinners

44. Nickname: Danny is most folk’s preferred one

45. Relationship status: permasingle, your choice of 7″ or 45

46. Zodiac: cancer

47. Pronouns: he/him

48. Favourite TV Show: classic Doctor Who for life, son

49. Tattoos: if I wasn’t terrified of needles then I’d have something to say here lol

50. Right or left hand: righty-tighty

51. Surgery: four heart surgeries and my wisdom teeth removed

52. Hair dyed in different color: nah, I’d look goofy af in differently colored hair

53. Sport: I like watching pro wrestling and the Raiders when they have a good season, but that's about it

55. Vacation: lol, wage slaves can’t afford nice vacations

56. Pair of trainers: i’m not one to wear those tbh

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: it was quesadilla night last night and damn son was it gooooood~

58. Drinking: milk

59. I’m about to: go eat brekkie and collab with some buddies today!

61. Waiting for: things to go right for a change

62. Want: to have a better everything, honestly. a better job, a better circle of friends, etcetera

63. Get married: it’d be nice someday, but i’m very sure the next time i’ll ever end up in a relationship is a very long time form now

64. Career: successful musician with burgeoning writing life

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: hugs

66. Lips or eyes: eyes, I guess?

67. Shorter or taller: not important

68. Older or younger: also unimportant, cuz to me how you talk to me defines that for me

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: son of unimportant

71. Sensitive or loud: i’m leaning more towards sensitive, but not too sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, all the way. hooking up makes me uncomfortable

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: a mix of the two

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: nope, not my sorta thing

75. Drank hard liquor: a handful of times

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i have lost plenty of sunglasses in my time and it’s always thE BEST ONES O:

77. Turned someone down: yeah, a handful of times, and typically cuz i feel like it’s being forced on me

78. Sex in the first date: no, cuz if you do it too soon things get weird

79. Broken someone’s heart: i’m hoping not, but I prolly have at least once

80. Had your heart broken: *finger guns* ayyyy

81. Been arrested: nope

82. Cried when someone died: yeah

83. Fallen for a friend: yeah, several times. sometimes it bites me in the ass

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: it varies day by day

85. Miracles: also varies, but i’m more apropos to call certain events miracles instead

86. Love at first sight: not necessarily, but if someone is very much like myself i’m more apt to connect sooner

87. Santa Claus: the age of clausability was passed a long time ago, friends

88. Kiss on the first date: deffo, if things go well and lean that way

89. Angels: *shrugs*

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: i have a rotating circle of friends, but usually it’s the people that talk to me the most. permanent ones include kenny, phil, and colton for sure though

91. Eyecolour: hazel eyes, you’re standing close to me~

92. Favourite movie: i don’t have a specific fave, so let me give you several of them - ghostbusters 2, xanadu, blues brothers, army of darkness, scary movie 2, etc *finger guns* letsa go @bilbao-song @nightingalemillo @deschaines @psi-groovin @veillees @misterkingdom @thinkingfilthy @whatdoesfriendmeantoyou @ihideinmymusic @xshot-in-the-dark