#it does suck when you put a lotta effort into making your case and its still completely misinterpreted

[reality-antidote]

they blocked this blog (as is their right), but only after making a couple assumptions/accusations that I'm gonna address before I leave it alone:

A) the definition of the word 'abuse', and the qualification that it involves a fundamental imbalance of power is not my opinion, it's just a fact. so they can say OP is abusive and I can say they're victim blaming - that doesn't make it true.

B) I am someone with longstanding, debilitating mental health issues that affect my hygiene. I didn't mention it because, firstly I already did in the comment section, and secondly, I shouldn't have to. so it's alarming to me that this person's takeaway here is that I think people like me don't deserve support and are less important than the germs they carry - that'd be such a heinous mindset to have, not to mention extremely hypocritical. it's not what I'm saying at all.

I'm saying it's possible to have these very valid struggles while still doing your best not to violate the boundaries of those around you, or subject them to undue health risks. I'm saying a lack of consideration for these factors shows disregard for others.

personally, if I haven't been able to wash my hands on any given day, I'll use hand sanitizer and then minimize time spent touching communal surfaces, including animals. and I hope others would do the same for me - in fact, my health depends on it.

sure, it may be discouraging to restrict myself that way, but what's the alternative? to just say 'oh well', and carry on like normal without any regard for those in my path? this isn't about self-worth - it's about boundaries, but also safety and conscientiousness. we just had a pandemic (it's still not over), you know? casually causing health hazards isn't okay just because I'm depressed (again, speaking as a lifelong clinically depressed individual here). nothing is black and white, but each of us is responsible for our own actions, regardless of <insert mitigating factor here>. do I want people to be understanding and accommodating of my limitations? of course, but I can't ask of others what I'm not willing to give.

in the vein of this person's question to me, would they feel comfortable knowing they or someone they loved caused the illness or death of, say, an immunocompromised person just because they touched something they didn't need to, after not washing their hands? I know I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

my point is: the dad in this case doesn't have to pet the cat. in the context given, his insistence on doing so despite how it affects his family, indicates deeper problems with his character. he evidently won't even use hand sanitizer, something that would go a long way and require almost no effort. regardless of whatever underlying factors there are, his actions put him in the wrong.

of course the only thing we have to go on here is OP's side of the story, of course it's a subjective perspective. but if we aren't engaging with it on its level like the blog says to, then what's the point? and I won't make assumptions about the person I'm quoting here like they did about me, but I will say it's probably harder to see the red flags in OP's post if you've never dealt with an abusive parent before.

anyway this whole conversation's run its course and I know I'm probably being super annoying at this point, but I sincerely hope my meaning and intentions are clear.

and finally, even if they won't see this, I want to apologize if I truly did misinterpret what this person said. clearly they felt misunderstood just as I did, so I'll take this as a learning experience going forward.

WIBTA if I told my father to stop touching my cat because his hands smell?

🌋🌋🌋🌋🌋 -> so I can find it easier

Okay so I (f19) still live with my parents (m57 f51) and I decided to adopt a cat. After some talking they said they didn't mind a pet in the house (this was a change of heart btw, we never had a pet, they were always super strict about it) but I will be the one raising him. No problem there. Anyway, it's been a year now and they both have grown to love the little guy a lot and are actually taking care of him too.

Now here's the issue: my father doesn't wash his hands. It's enough to make me feel sick at the thought, but I avoid him and never touch him and barely interact with him. But sometimes he'll come over to where I'm sitting with the cat or where my cat is napping and he'll rub at the back of his head (the point the cat cant lick himself clean) and coo at him.

I noticed a few days ago, when I was inhaling his fur, as one does, and suddenly that part reeked. Then I noticed it more often, and it didn't take long to connect the dots. The worst part is that he usually finds the cat just as he's done with the bathroom. ITS DISGUSTING. My poor baby doesn't deserve to be touched with filthy hands. I'm always quick to clean him but the fact he's been touched makes me sick.

Two things you need to know about my father: 1) He is bad person. I won't get into details cause it will turn into an essay, but the more I know about him, the more distance I put between us. 2) The only correct thing he's done is provide for his children without complain or ever asking for anything back.

One thing you need to know about the family dynamic: My father's hygiene is a topic of discussion that comes up a lot in the recent years (by me to my mom), and her response always is that he's tired and he does so much for us, so are we really going to humiliate him over such trivial matters? (The matters are NOT trivial. He is genuinely disgusting).

One thing you should know about me: I have started arguments over his disgusting hygiene before and he instantly turns into a child going, "blah, blah, yeah, yeah, whatever, are you done?" which makes me become even more vile and mean and in the end he secretly tells my mom my behavior hurt him (and acts like a wounded dog) so that she will come and tell me that I broke my father's heart. Same formula each time.

So look. If I tell him he'll react the same way, and although I'm working on not feeling guilty over things like that, I'm not yet there. I know if I repeat the argument a couple times he'll get the memo and be so humiliated he'll stay away from the cat entirely. I also know that my mother will start a cold war with me if I do so. But I care about my cat a lot more, and I don't want dirty hands touching him.

So far I'm always taking the cat away before my father gets to touch him, distracting him with toys and TV mice. But I won't always be home to supervise.

So do you think it's an asshole move to essentially shame my father for the sake of my cat not coming in contact with germs?

Fyi the hygiene thing started in his 50s, he wasn't like that before

What are these acronyms?