#it didnt help that I was super stressed out and depressed in 2024 so I wasn't going out as much

[corvidkusnos]

The level of mobility in my legs has decreased and I'm trying to be normal about it

[serv0z]

Why cant I stay a child forever and - ? My birthday is in 8 days so.. you know what that means !! Yearly redraw!! Older versions under cut + explanation

01/05/25 vs 01/13/24 vs 01/09/23 vs 10/13/22 So I had made the first one as a sort of. vent at the time. There was a lot of stress on me that year and my mom had told me that by 18 I was going to get a job. The problem was my mental health was so far in the dumps im sure satan even saw it. I couldnt imagine handling it and ontop of that I never imagined myself living to even be 18. So I spent a good portion of the year anxious and by the end of it I made the first one. By 2023 I had to face the fact that I was 18 now. I was just a few days away from being 18 and that scared me. It was intimidating. Where the first one was me realizing and freezing up, the 2nd was me facing it. It was much closer now and I wanted to capture the feeling of everything crumbling mentally. I still wasnt in a good place. (I didnt end up getting a job.) By 2024 I was already super fucking tired and anxious. My mental health was getting better, sure, but my physical health was not. (Doesnt help i ended up hospitalized near the end of 2023 for internal bleeding) I hadnt even started medication till the end of 2024 for my depression and adhd and shit. Im still facing health problems and have to start therapy but. 2024 wa also when everyone was pushing and pulling me to do something I was not able to handle. I had my therapist and psychiatrist pushing me to go back to school and get my GED (i dropped out bc my mental health was so bad and online schooling was making it worse. I also kept getting into fights w my mom bc of my grades and it. wasnt good.) and then my psychiatrist and so many adults i had seen or talked to trying to push me to get a job (I dont have a car. Ubers are expensive. We are poor and have almost been kicked out several times for not making rent. I cannot physically handle walking for longer than 15 minutes or standing too. If I sit for too long my knees are in so much pain I cant stand i have to stretch them out for at least 5 minutes. Only jobs near me are ones that require physical labor.) And of course. My own anxiety and wanting to help financially but having no real way of doing it.

I was, and still am incapable. All I could do was watch. Things still felt like they were crumbling and breaking and my ability to hold it all together was fracturing and I didnt know what to do with myself. I still dont. I didnt expect to live past 18 and now im 19? What am i meant to do now? I cant picture what i want or should be doing in life. Its all just blank I felt and feel lost.

By this year so far, though, I've come to accept that I cant control everything. Im cracked and a mess and everything around me is holding on by a single wooden beam but I cant control it. Time will go on with or without my permission. I cant just hit a pause button my life, on time. It'll keep moving no matter what and I'm coming to accept that fact. I just have to move with the current, I cant stand still or I'll drown in it and freak out and. yk. Things dont feel so horrible anymore. Maybe this year I'll finally figure out what I want to do, who I want to be or who i AM. Even if I'm anxious I cant stop it all. The world doesnt revolve around me. Anyways that was a lot. Thats been my thought process throughout each version and the reasoning and context behind it. You can also see my art improve which is a fun little thing. Things are both overwhelmingly intimidating yet also calm. I have a printer now, maybe I can finally open a print shop and help with money that way + commissions. I have a plan and that's what matters.