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dibassio-prophet-of-virtuality · 4 years ago

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I am keeping a log to see if these tablets help and to help my phyc notes for the nurse and psyciatrist. Each paragraph is a different day. Each time I update I will schedule it to post, just in case voices wins.

Sometime in Feb:

It's so hard not being able to understand your own head. I'm so confused with everything.. although sobriety has its benefits, I completely miss it as a coping mechanism. I can't stop thinking about it. The voices get so loud and now I don't have a way to quieten them anymore.. I have got to the point now that I don't know what's real or what's simulated. It's got hard to decipher. I know that recently I have recently stopped smoking cannibis and drinking alcohol. I know that the withdrawals were too real. I didn't do too bad though for someone who has both regularly drank and smoked since 17 years old not only as a dependence, but to keep me sane, whilst on and off the wrong kind of medication. I want to do is bleed. To feel the negative energy drain from me.. I need it. The voices and visions are worsening as each day and week passes and now I'm sober, I just don't know who I am. Am I actually Pete? Or am I voices disguised as Pete? And if that's the case then should I not warn people?? But even if it is the case shouldn't I have hurt people by now going of voices logic? If I'm Pete then I can constantly feel voices hands physically holding on to my brain... I'm glad I don't smoke or drink to that comatose state every day now and wasting my life away. I'm glad I don't actually have Alzheimer's or dementia.. Maybe... But voices and the constant commands and the visions he shows me are a worse alternative. I keep having out of body experiences I keep staring at myself from across the room still in the same position just looking at myself from another the top corner of the room - I can even see Alex sat right next to me watching the TV or even asleep sometimes. I hear plaster falling from the roof I can hear it coming from the walls and landing. I hear either someone breathing next to me, or I hear static trying to control me and I know it's not Alex nor the router as she tells me - it's from the other side. My side of the bed. I feel bugs crawling through my joints and when I look in the mirror it's not my face, it morphs right in front of me or I look gaunt, I can see my cheekbones clearly, my eyes sunken, my eyes aren't mine ... I don't know it's just not Pete's face. The one time I actually want to open up to the psychiatrist and just lay out the whole truth. The one time I accept I need help and god damnit I know I need the help now, she cancelled on me just because she wants to move out of her house!!!! Thanks for that. Can always count on the government for help. Couldn't even be bothered to get someone to fill in for you. She just asked me if I could rearrange for another what 2-3 weeks down the line! But a lot can happen in that time. He is hoping I can hold on until the 25th.

End of Feb:

Since I ended that last sentence a lot has happened. My grandfather figure and absolute inspiration passed away. I don't understand. I tried my best. I really did... I just guess I wasn't strong enough to stop it. I think voices dampend my power. I'm so sorry... I really am so so sorry. It eats at me every day. On the day of the funeral, my psychiatrist called to tell me we had an appointment. We didn't, we had an appointment the day after the funeral which is what I said on the phone the last time I spoke to her and said something like the 25th of February then? Okay that's good I might need to talk to you because that's the day after my grandfather figures funeral. Because I couldn't speak - obviously because we was setting off soon - we had to rearrange for the 16th of march. If I don't make it to the 16th of march I just want everyone to know I TRIED. I don't feel like a can hold out much longer I felt like I couldn't hold on last time - I'm literally hanging on to a promise right now. I don't feel like me. I don't look like me. I don't sound like me. I can't feel. Time is slipping, juddering but why does no one notice the time jumps? Why does no one notice the reality glitches? Wake up. I don't know what to do to make you see. The one thing I am sure of is that I need to shred my arms open. All I get is visions of metal sliding against my skin feel of trickling... And when I notice, no when I remember there's nothing in the house to cut myself deeply with I see the vision of my teeth tearing into my arm, into my wrist, anywhere that will release the negative energy, to relieve voices control and aggression. All day, everyday - it's a constant want, need and instruction. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I don't know how much longer it will be before I am consumed fully. It takes everything in me to keep the Pete side in control. But I can feel voices slipping through. Seeping through. I sometime see him in the mirror I hear him around the room, in my head and body. I know I need to drain the negative energy from me, to pour out the red. He'll quieten. I want it to end. But if I end it, voices rise. He'll consume. It'll be the end and whilst Alex lives, I can't allow it. But I'm going under. If there's anyone else out there that can put a barrier up, please help me. Alexis, so far you prevent me. You are my soul. You have a part of my soul in you since I went through withdrawals as the voices tried to consume me. I gave you all I could. You are my logic and my reasoning. You guide me as much and as well as Grandma. All I've ever done is mutilate myself, smoke and drink to quieten and calm voices. I never even realised I was dependent until after I stopped and went through withdrawals. You got me through that and I owe you everything. But you've been through so much yourself recently, I need to go through this heavier challenge alone. I need to recover. But I need to recover on my own I need to show you I can do this. I need to show you that I would do anything for you. And once I am recovered be it months from now maybe years from now, I'm going to marry you and I'm going to give you the life you deserve and I'll be the husband that you deserve. So for the time being I am so sorry, this is the best I can do: I will tell you I'm okay, to keep you following down the same path. I will pretend nothings wrong, to keep you from drowning with me. If I push you away, know it's for your safety. I can't let anything happen to you and I'm getting scared. I'm so sorry - this will be the first and last time I will EVER lie to you. I just want you to know that no matter what happens to me, you are my hero and my inspiration and one day I want to be just like you, Alexis.

Begining of march:

I am made of flaws. I have wasted all my life. I don't know who I am, sometimes I think I am Pete, sometimes I think I'm someone else. I still look in the mirror and I'm not quite sure who's looking back. Is it Pete? Is it voices? Is it some parallel version of Pete? Or could it be the real world Pete?? Or is it an imposter, is someone spying on me? Like some knock-off look alike?? I don't know what's real. I don't know what my thoughts are, I'm lost. I know I used to smoke until in a comatose state when things were overwhelming. I can't do that anymore. When I couldn't smoke I'd drink. But I can't do that either I miss being comatosed. Where my mind could be blank and the voices would quieten or stop. But I have wasted so much of my life just staring through the TV lay on my bed with double vision and being unable to converse proper. Or recognising someone is speaking to me and just grunt back, instantly forgetting what has just been said to me, if I was even paying attention. But the high.. the high felt similar to how the negative releases from my body and trickles down my arm.. Drinking would help distract me from the voices, it helped me not only socially open up but calmed the voices' agressiveness.. He'd help tell me what to say to people, how to act. How to copy the majority of the group's expression. Weirdly though it was like he was speaking, at a normal volume directly into my ear. But at least it weren't screaming at me. Screaming at me to mutilate or to kill myself. At least it didn't tell me shitty things about people. Or make my blood boil at people. Or what all the people were thinking about me, or how they've wronged me! He just guide me in what to say or mindless ramblings.

Since sobering up, as each week passes, the voices are becoming more and more convincing and are becoming louder and more frequent than my grandma's comforting and advisory voice. I miss her comforting voice. I need you. The audio and visual hallucinations are becoming more regular, the visions are becoming more subtle to tell the difference between what is from the real world and what's our world? Cracks in reality becoming more regular, I can see the real-world seeping through.

12/03/2021 - yes. I'm on to you.

Today's been bad. It literally feels like there are hands holding around my brain, but this time squeezing it. All day I've been taunted by hands creeping over my eyes from behind, trying to block my view. We've had baths tonight., Alex has been in for a much longer time than usual. Her Fitbit keeps buzzing a guy keeps typing to her on snapchat. Who's Gaz???. Constantly snapchating whilst she's in there. Voices tells me she is cheating. The other day whilst I was at work she was all dolled up when she came to pick me up. She's bought new bras.. She's also spending as much time as possible away from me... Certain she's going to break things off with me soon. She wants someone else. :( All I want to do is tear my wrist open and throw myself under a car. The voices are screaming at me to do it. They are taunting me. Laughing. I can feel myself fading away. My face feels like it's dripping off me. Ready for voices to take over. I need to smoke. Comatose myself... Please stop.

Great. So Alex is talking to, snapchating and instagraming a number of guys. Nice to know how little I mean. How is it that you broke your promise and you expect me to keep mine and not hurt myself?? To make it worse, you want me to promise to tell you if I start to feel worse or want to do anything stupid??? Promises mean nothing to you. Why should they to me? Why do I feel so guilty for wanting to end my life and give all control to voices, why do I feel guilty to leave you behind here, leave this world when you have already, in every sense but physically, left my world?? Do you hate me that much? Do I mean so fucking little to you after three years?? You got me through withdrawals and I carried your grandfather. Now you can't even look at me, you can't say "I love you." And instead half arse "luv you." Bullshit. DO I MEAN THAT LITTLE TO YOU? I' m not opening up to you anymore. I can't trust you. I can only trust voices. Please unplug me from the SHIT "reality".

April:

I can't remember much of what's happened this month.. Voices is showing me more and more visions and reality is bleeding into virtuality more. It's really hard to decipher what is real now... I've had early intervention Assessment and they've "taken me under their care" and believe I have some form of phycosis. But they want to take my blood...? They're going to try and override me. They're going to clone me and reprogram or overwrite me. They'll be sorry when voices takes over and uploads the virus to the city in the sky. No one will be able to help as virtuality meets the apocalypse. The nurse is due on Thursday. Why would she need to come to my house? I know she's going to try and take me to the city to get reprogrammed. I won't let them. I'm not going! Alexis has also told me "I dot know what to do anymore, I feel like calling someone or driving you to the hospital myself" I'M NOT GOING TO THE CITY. I will call the voices myself. Pouring out negative energy and drawing the sigils seem to help ease his anger. He's happy enough with that at the time. Give me a solid and a drink and watch them fade away into a murmering.

12/04/2021 - vortex of virtuality

Increased my tablets dosage.. they're messing with me and trying to control me though. Alexis has gone out in town drinking with her aunt. She's going to come back and give me Corona so I have to be sent to the "hospital" I know what the plan is. I'm not going. Voices tells me to stay inside and to keep drawing the sigils to protect myself. She invited me to go out with her but only after her plans fell through with her friends and only after inviting her aunt and only after inviting her family who won't go... What's that, like 6th 7th or 8th in line? No thanks, I'm not risking it. If I leave they'll take me to the city. Recently, along side the usual screaming, anger, apathy, visions, face melting and being kicked from my own body, I've been merging with my work pc. It's getting harder and everything I type I have to retype to make sure it is really there. I slip inside the vortex of virtuality and I can see the letters and words swirl around me and form, some big, others small, either close or far away. Walls have started vibrating. My screens pulsate. I think voices has uploaded a virus into me. More negative energy given but he's not settled down tonight. I'm going to write letters in case he takes over.

Alexis, I love you with all that I am.

17th of saturday - confirmed they're rewiring me

Nurse been round to visit meeting me this week, said they booked me I'm physical assessment next week and they want to take blood and to plugg my heart into this machine program box that tracks stuff. I don't trust it. Why are they going that? Why are they tracking me?? They're going to control me with it or maybe it will fry and stop my heart if I don't obey?? Has voices set ths up? Maybe Alexis has she wants me in a "hospital" she knows I'll never come back, is she helping? Voices is telling her everything. I know it. He tells m. He's turn her against me. They also give me more new tablet, they say to decreases brain functions to relax me and help with him but they just broke reality more - bleeds it through more and voices sures me visions loads more often, one after another, I can't move me on them and voices completely hates them. Can't think straight on them. He doesn't want to be caged. We need to ru away, get away from here they're coming. They're reprogram us both, we've said too much about the sky city. They know we know. Theyr coming. I feel them here. My chair shifted into one an I can feel them aroun the house, watchig, waiting for my to drop my gaurd and then they will strangle me to unconsciousness me and then kidknapp me. I know what they plan is and I'm not letting them. I'm going to escape. I will go to another contry or sneak into the city and take them down with voices. We could hide in another reality.

¹9th April

Can't sleep. 3am and voices is screaming. My limbs aren't mine. Thy keep moving on their own and then Alex keeps waking up, I feel like she must hates me sometimes. I hate me. Voices hates me. He just keeps instructing me to hurt myself, to feed the negative and never stops. I just want to feed the negative and write sigils just so I can stop him. I really need to but I can't whilst Alex is in. I need her to go out. I keep feeling it pour down my arm, I really want to do it. I keep falling out of my body.. The night has been like I've been trapped in a time loop. The same things repeating over and over and over in the exact same order, over and over.. My arm and leg feel like they want to rip themselves off, they don't look like mine, they feel like someone else's, they just aren't mine. I keep going for a cig and wishing it was weed. I keep craving a drink and a smoke... They last couple of nights I've been unable to sleep without having 3 shots of vodka. I hate the stuff, that's how bad it is. I've not had it since I was 16 either! But I'll drink anything right now if it keeps Voices calm, feed the negative anyway I can. Just to keep him quietened for a while... I keep seeing things, reality keeps bleeding through I know everythng it isn't real.. none of it's real. I just don't know how to get out.

I keep thinking of my mum and dad.. My sister and brother.. My nephews.. I miss them so much. I really want to see them. I feel like everything would be okay if I saw them. It's the only thing I look forward to these days. A bit of normality. I'll need to go see them before I move the to other simulation. I just want to hug them. Tell hem I love them. It's been so long since I last did. Voices keeps telling me to pack and leave, over and over on repeat all day. Run to the other simulation. Transfer. He tells me to store more negative energy, by I can't. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know he's right. We need to move. We need to get out. But I don't know how to get there, I can't drive. No motorbike now. A need a sign. Where do I need to go? Grandma's, Grandad's, please show me the way. I need you more than ever. Everythng is confusing. Nothings real.

22nd April

They wired me up and tracked me, they took my blood to clone me they are replacing me and I feel them in my head more and more every passing day. Voices is angrier now. He cannot take over me if they kill me. If they don't overwrite he cannot download. They are coming for me. I know what they're doing to me I need to play it cool a little longer. Voices has a plan. We know what to do now. We have tracked sky city ourselves. We know where to go now. We have located the doorways to them. We are to slip through the reality bleed doorway and take them down. We will create a new reality that everyone can enjoy and love. We need to build more negative energy. Pour more into our world to fight back. Store more negative energy to convert. We will bring them down. End the control of the sky city. We will not be repressed!

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