#it bothered me a little that izu seemed to have a personality shift out of nowhere

[t-u-i-t-c]

it’s such a good suit...

[tteokdoroki]

waves that hurt | k.bakugou + i.midoriya.

♡ pairing: katsuki bakugou x gn!reader x izuku midoriya.

♡ word count: 3.04K

♡ rating: everyone.

♡ genre: pro hero!au, hurt, angst and comfort.

♡ summary: dark days mean dark waves that crash across your mind, intrusive and mean the waves pull you under— but they are the helping hands that pull you up and let you breathe.

♡ warning(s): please read ! heavy tw for depression, intrusive thoughts and self depreciation, self doubt and low self-worth. this fic is written mostly from personal experiences and may not be accurate to how everyone feels! mentions of therapy.

♡ author’s note(s):  this is my contribution to @doinmybesthere​ ‘s mental health awareness collab, this is kinda personal to me and something i experienced recently!! i hope it can provide some comfort to anyone out there, please don’t forget to check out everyone else’s works and i hope you’re all safe ‘n well <3

♡ masterlist | requests | kofi

“kacchan, it’s much worse this time, i really think you should come home early tonight.”

deku whispers into the phone, his marred hands rub slow and soothing circles into your back from over the duvet— you can feel his warmth, light and airy through it but he feels and sounds much further away. a million miles across a dark ocean that trickles through your thoughts, intrusive and mean, keeping you under and away from clear air.

you wouldn’t want to pull him into this, bother him with the way you drown in dark thoughts— so you pull away from your boyfriend and tuck yourself away into the sheets.

izuku doesn’t retract his hand even as you pull away, listening to katsuki grunt orders down the phone— make sure yn’s eaten, make sure yn’s had water. basic things you should be able to do on your own but can’t, paralysed by the anxiety and depression that clamps down on you like a vice and refuses to let you up so you can just breathe. you want to breathe and not feel like the world is crashing down on you, to have a second to yourself where everything seems like it’s okay.

brushing fingers over the nape of your neck, toying with the coils of your baby hairs, your boyfriend speaks, only gently. “baby,” says quietly, his weight causing the bed to dip. “katsuki will be home soon, do you want to come with me to let him in?” you shrug, a sick feeling twisting in your gut. you see the black tendrils and waves in the back of your mind, bringing forth a new batch of ugly words that force you down. are you really that much of a burden these days that katsuki has to call it quits on work for you? “how are you feeling?”

you don’t know, you don’t know how to tell him that every thought you have hurts and there’s a pain in your chest with every breath you take. “i don’t know, it’s just...bad izu…” you want to explain how you feel deep inside, but the words are trapped like balls of tar in your throat— fear that if you say something he’ll walk away.

“you don’t have to say anything, don’t force yourself to…” he speaks with a soft voice, cotton to your ears in an attempt to soothe you. you can just about feel the clean air flowing through your lungs at the sound— it tells you he loves you, no matter what and you almost believe it before sinking back under. “let’s get you some water okay? wouldn’t want kacchan scolding us would we?”

the joke hangs in the murky and heavy air for a few seconds before you muster a small smile— your green haired boyfriend lets out a tiny sigh of relief and pressed a kiss into your hairline, the affection simmers under your skin and briefly brings light to your dark mind as izuku starts leading you to the kitchen.

you’re curled up in izuku’s lap when the front door pops open with a click— signifying your other boyfriend had arrived home. you flinch, hiding yourself in the blankets keeping you warm and locking away the dark thoughts from the eyes of your lovers.

part of you hated them seeing you this way, that’s why you forced yourself to keep everything away from them— but they knew, they always did and always came to your rescue. you didn’t want them to feel like they had to look after you when the days were bad and draining and your mind took hold of everything that you felt. you didn’t need the weight of your own problems on the shoulders of two pro heroes who had enough to deal with.

in the end, you would destroy them like you did with yourself.

you can hear katsuki shedding his gear by the door, feeling his intense and heated presence flood the room and barely penetrate the barrier you created for yourself even while you lay in izuku’s arms. for as long as you’d known the two— even from back in your U.A days, bakugou had hated self-pity, of course in recent years he’d cooled down a little and spoke less on the actions of others but even still, you weren’t sure if you could handle him looking down on you for looking down on yourself and for feeling this way.

the blanket is suddenly lifted from your head, momentarily blinding you with the overwhelming light that is your boyfriend, katsuki bakugou. a twinkle of concern lines his ruby eyes and you can see traces of his charcoal eyeliner that he usually smudges underneath his mask— he’s so beautiful but you’re afraid of the twitches of worry, afraid that he’s mad at you for being the way you are.

“hey honey,” bakugou hums, crouching to your level to cup your cheeks, stress bleeding from his body when you nuzzle into him.

izuku gives you a squeeze, an encouraging one and you nod. “hi,” is all you can muster, afraid of blurting the intrusive words that crackle across your brain.

katsuki sits back on his haunches, looking between you and his boyfriend before he attempts to kick off his shoes. the room is full of a thick, ugly quietness that you know you’re responsible for— they don’t have to say anything, you know that it’s you. because when you’re like this it’s hard for bakugou and midoriya to talk, afraid that they’ll say something to set you off and you afraid that they’ll leave if they knew how you really felt. how trapped and alone you felt inside, how the twisted darkness added tones to your vibes and dragged you down with every step that you took.

they don’t need to say it because it flows from your body like a rushing river and drowns them, fills their lungs and it’s your fault for infecting them with your own bitter taste of life.

“have you eaten?” the blonde of the two boys asks, looking you dead in the eye. you want to answer, but again the viscous back from earlier starts to flood through your body. you try to take care of yourself of these days where you feel it the hardest, but it’s difficult to move and to breathe— and the drive to complete even the simplest of tasks is barely ever there.

you move to speak, caught up in the thick smog of your own brain when izuku gives your body a squeeze and shakes his head, the forest of his hair brushing against your cheek. “you’ve had water, right?” izuku has no problem answering for you. “but nothing to eat,” he whispers, keeping his voice low as if to hide his worry from you— it’s light in his tone but tremors throughout the number one’s body. you feel sick for making him feel that way.

katsuki’s gaze shifts back from his boyfriend to you, his expression unreadable because he knows how you get if they worry too much about you. you’re thankful, partly for that at least, his blank face prevents your mind from reading too deep into things and blaming yourself for things out of your own control.

“‘m makin’ your favourite for dinner. you’ll eat it, no questions asked.” the explosive pro hero states firmly, rising from his place crouched down by your side, obviously not before thumbing over your cheeks to wipe away evidence of your dried tears. “gonna run you a bath too, damn nerd better get you upstairs and ready by the time it’s done.” deku’s chest rumbles with a light hearted chuckle beneath you, lifting the heavy weight of the air within the room— bakugou had always loved brashly, with a fiery intensity that hardly left room for the answer ‘no’, and while izuku was more tame, they balanced one another out in a way that felt more like a warm hug than a battle. they grounded you, in the best of ways.

true to his disgruntled words, your blonde headed boyfriend runs you a hot bath. you don’t miss the addition of lavender oil to the perfectly warm water, the baking soda which you’re sure he only knew to add because his mother had said it would remove the demon spawn toxins in his body. izuku is the one to help you strip, holds your hands as you kick off gross comfort clothes and folds them away, after pressing kisses to your groggy face and chin.

it’s almost funny to see the two biggest and beefiest pro heroes sit on your bathroom floor crossed legged and beside the tub— both of them taking up the majority of the room. you know for a fact that no one would believe the sight unless they saw it, but they’re there. both of them, izuku midoriya and bakugou katsuki are with you encompassed in the silence while you wash away the ugly words that plague your mind and fill the pores of your skin.

they’re still there.

even as sweet lavender water moves in soft waves over your bare body, while black ink moves in the same way across your brain— tattooing self-depreciating thoughts into every inch. you’re not worth their time, they say, you’re wasting it. because how could their precious time be put to good use if you’re taking it up, they could be saving people but instead your boyfriends are here, drowning in your own darkness.

they’re still fucking here.

when they could be out there saving the people who needed it, who were suffering out there in the world outside of your home.

and the suds against your body, the warm water sloshing over your thighs isn’t enough to get rid of the burning sensation of vile phrases printing themselves against your body and clouding every thought that you think. toxic, mean and nasty things you can’t scrub away— none of it is enough to make you feel like you deserve bakugou tenderly lathering you up with the rose scented soap his mother had sent you for christmas or the sips of cool water midoriya brings to your lips in order to prevent you from overheating in the steam of the bathroom.

deku catches the painful twist in your face, pausing his movements to study you. “whaddya need?” you need it to stop, to find something to replace the pain and doubts that fill you.

“water, hotter,” you croak quietly, tears building up in the base of your throat as katsuki catches on and flicks the tap for a stream of hot water to fill the tub. “please,”

they tell you to let them know when to stop if the heat gets too much, but the scalding water burns away any reminders of the self loathing you feel across every inch of your mind, your body and your soul. it stings at the darkness in a way that’s painfully soothing and maybe if you sink under— it could stop hurting completely. if you could slide deeper into the water, would the waves of darkness not crash so hard?

and then the damn breaks, like a tsunami the guilt and anguish you feel crashes over your body and takes control, leaving you fighting for oxygen in the form of your happiness.

everything that you’d been holding back flows freely in salty tears from tired eyes, scorching a path down the apples of your cheeks and mingling with the contents of the tub below. your boys, they don’t notice at first, how you cry and curl in on yourself until you think the world won’t notice you anymore but then just as they always do, they’re pulling you into their warmth and bubble of light— freeing you from black intrusive tendrils even if it means they have to crawl into the tub and wade their through the ocean you’ve made to set yourselves apart.

“don’t—!” you heave with an uneven voice, signs of you falling apart evident in every way. bakugou and deku pull away from you slowly, with dripping shirts and worry written across freckled faces and red eyes. they’re scared for you, hate seeing you force your feelings down and away from them. “please don’t touch me—you’ll—“

the water in the bathtub sloshes from where you retract from their touch, backing yourself up against the wall and away from your boys. “we’ll what?” izuku presses but only gently, keeping you afloat, stopping you from sinking and bakugou stays put in his place, letting the latter talk you down.

you shake your head, trying to think of the right words but it’s hard to, with the crashing waves heavy against your ears. how do you tell your lovers that everything hurts, to think and to feel, to live day by day. you don’t want to bother them with and an extra stress to their busy lives. but you can’t keep it in any longer, bursting at the seams. “you’ll drown. i-if i touch you, i’ll pull you under, you’ll drown with me and you won’t be able to breathe and all those horrible things that i think about will burn in your lungs until you give up fighting like me,” your tears and hiccups interrupt your words, but they listen. bakugou and deku, they listen and they stay.

“yn—“

“because if you do, then all that i feel will be a burden to you— i’ll break in ways that can’t be fixed and you’ll be forced to pick up the pieces and i’ll just be a burden,” you continue, not even pausing to take a breath while you continue to cry. “if you stay to pick up the pieces, you’ll be taken away from people who need you, who are worth saving, and can be helped and—“

you can’t recount how many nights, similar to this in which you wondered why and how two pro heroes could want and love you, why they dealt with your down days that sometimes outnumbered the ups— even if they’d shown you how much they cared, you couldn’t help but feel guilty as if your sadness took up their time to save someone else.

“you can be helped, yn. you don’t have to go what you’re going through alone, you’re worth the time and the effort of helping, no one deserves to suffer,” the green haired of your two boyfriends cuts through the tail ends of your words, still keeping distance until he knows it’s safe to touch you again. there is no look of condescending pity on his face, no sign to show you’ve pulled him into the dark of your mind. it’s just izuku, trying to help you pull through.

you look to katsuki hesitantly, he hasn’t said a word. “but i don’t want to be seen as...as weak, or to worry you because i can’t get out of my own head—“

“y’not fuckin’ weak, we’d never think that of you. we see you try to hide your pain, pretend things don’t get to you when they do. but fuckin’ handlin’ things on ya own can make y’stronger than any two heroes combined,” a look of anger flashes across his features, finer with age and tired with work. but bakugou isn’t angry with you, but with himself for leading you to believe that you were an extra weight on his shoulders. both of their shoulders. “yer not gonna get rid of us or scare us away, we love ya, we’re here for ya ‘n if it’s help that you need or think yer not worthy of, we’ll find some. it’s okay t’ask for help.”

maybe it’s hearing it from someone else, that your pain and your depression is valid, that you’re not an extra weight on the people you love that allows you to come up from a tar-like ocean for fresh air in your lungs, for the waves to calm and the storm raging in your mind to soothe. maybe it’s the two of your boyfriends being there for you despite the fear that you’d scare them away with not being okay that washes away some of the awful things you think.

you know that their support won’t make things go away over night, that it will take time for you to heal but for now you can keep your head above the water just long enough to breathe.

“can i touch you now? is it okay?” deku asks, feeling less distant from you than at the start of the day, but as your body shakes with the last of your tears all you manage is a nod before the number one hero is pulling you into his chest from the tub and the number two is wrapping a towel and his arms around you.

you sit sandwiched between the two, they keep you at the surface— holding you tight while you let out what you’ve been holding back. “we can get some help if y’want it, the doctors...therapy might be nerve wrackin’...scary even, but it can help and we’ll be there every single step of the fuckin’ way,” katsuki reasures you with pets to your head, rocking you back and forth on your bathroom floor, steam clinging to the air that you can finally breathe.

izuku nods along in agreement, pressing kisses to your wet hairline. “we’ll be here. you won’t be alone.”

the murkiness of the water in your mind starts to clear, but only just— their warmth starts to push through the clouds like sunshine brushing against your skin. a light to the dark that's plagued your every waking moment, the waves no longer crash and destroy but instead lap comfortingly at your painful thoughts and tame them just enough for you to have a moment of clarity.

you don’t have to be alone or millions of miles away, you deserve the hands of your loved ones that offer you help instead of pushing them away. the process of healing and things like therapy or meds will be hard sometimes, but katsuki and izuku will be here by your side, to help you manage days where darkness rolls in waves that hurt and help you breathe once again.

[zevlors-tail]

S/O Has A Self Harm Relapse - Deku

Original ask here.

A/N: Sorry this took so long! My dms are always open, and I’m always here to talk to if anyone needs it! I also hope this is relatable, because I know SH can be very personal and everyone has their own reasons. Remember that your progress is valid even when slip ups happen, and that you are loved, always, no matter what. 

TW: Self harm relapse, general negative thoughts and emotions, implied cutting, I didn’t go into detail but it’s still descriptive so PLEASE MIND THE WARNINGS.

Izuku Midoriya/Deku:

“I just don’t know what to do, you know? Things are really tough right now, and I feel like you’re the only one taking the time to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know who else to turn to...” The hurt in your friend’s voice was evident, causing your eyes to crinkle in worry as you gave them a small concerned smile.

���Everything’s going to be okay. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now, but it will be eventually. You just have to trust me.” Your voice held such a confident tone to it, a promise of better times to come in the near future. You sounded like you were sure of it, as if you knew without a shadow of a doubt that things would be okay- and maybe you did. You truly believed it, genuinely felt that your friend would be okay and that things would work out after all.

“You really think so?”

“I know so,” you responded with conviction.

Just this morning, one of your best friends had texted to ask if you could meet up with them later on in the day to talk about something important. Of course, you being the helpful and loyal friend you were, you immediately agreed and set up a time to see them. It had turned out that they were going through some sort of crisis, something that on the surface didn’t seem to be troubling them, but as they went on about their issue, you saw the way it weighed on their shoulders, saw the way it made them doubt themselves.

You knew how it felt to feel like the world was caving in, like there was no hope left for you. Maybe that was the reason you were always so quick to help others; you couldn’t stand the thought of the people you cared for feeling the same way. No matter what they needed and no matter when they needed it, you were there. One of your friends got into a fight with their parents? You were there. One of them was having troubles with their partner? You were there. If someone else just needed to vent about their shitty day, you were there; you always were. You could never turn them away even if you felt overwhelmed at your own expense. And it was frustrating, too, because no matter how many times you came to their rescue, no one seemed to want to be there for you. Well...almost no one.

There was one person, the light of your life, Izuku Midoriya. He checked in with you often, would remind you to take breaks for yourself (even if you often ignored his requests to do so, much to his dismay), and kept you going when you felt you couldn’t go on any longer. And you were going through so much; between school, work, and home life, you felt completely overwhelmed. Lately, it seemed like your grip on things just seemed to be...slipping. It was getting harder to focus between the sheer amount of anxiety you felt over everything, harder to breathe easy and relax. You supposed it didn’t help that Izuku had been away for a few days for some intense type of training, either. 

Maybe that was the cherry on top, or maybe it was just inevitable, but somehow you found yourself feeling lower than dirt as you sent your friend off with a tight hug, their form fading in the distance as you watched them leave with a deep frown. You understood they had things going on, and of course you didn’t expect them to notice you felt a little off, but you wished that maybe they had just asked if you were alright, too. Even a passing, “I hope you’re doing okay,” would have been nice; something, at least, to let you know the feelings were reciprocated on their end as well. Something to let you know they cared. But they weren’t, and they didn’t, and you sighed heavily as you let your facade shatter around you.

You felt selfish for wishing your friend would care when they were clearly preoccupied with other things. But in the same sense, you couldn’t remember the last time someone asked if you were okay. Things were getting bad again, all of your friends and family needed you and were demanding your attention constantly, and now your boyfriend was away for a few days as well. Between the stacking missed calls and texts you needed to respond to and the sheer amount other’s problems added to yours, it felt like too much. Even the noise of the car radio on the drive home was irritating and overwhelming, and no matter what station you picked, the music and occasional static noise bothered you until you finally had to turn it off completely. But driving in silence proved to be a problem as well, and now you were stuck with the intrusive thoughts in your mind and your heartbeat rushing in your ears. 

The silence of your empty home was deafening. Izuku, who would usually be lounging on the couch with his favorite All Might blanket watching a movie by now if he was home, was nowhere to be found. The lights on the dishwasher blinked at you from the darkness of the kitchen signaling an empty rack. There were no dishes to clean, no clothes to wash or dry, and the TV screen remained darkened and still; there was nothing to distract your mind from the chaos inside of it. And although you were surrounded by quiet, it was by no means peaceful. You felt on edge, overwhelmed, and alone. It was all too much too fast, and you knew of only one solution to quiet the thoughts in your head, even if it was only a temporary fix.

Right now, in this moment, you just needed everything to stop. You needed a distraction, a different source of pain to redirect your focus. Still, you hated yourself with every step you took until you came to stand in front of the bathroom sink, the familiar cabinet doors leering at you more maliciously than usual. 

You knew what lied behind those doors in the far left corner on the bottom shelf.

***

It was two more days before Izuku returned home, the telltale sign of jingling keys ringing through the air as he opened the front door and slipped inside. He tossed his keys to the table and kicked off his shoes. You heard him lock the door behind himself, footsteps heavy on the carpeted floor as he dropped his bags in the living room and took a moment to relax and settle in. In a way, you were grateful he didn't immediately come to see you; you were curled up in bed, anxious and ashamed about what you had been doing while he was gone. He wouldn’t look at you the same way again after this, you were sure of it.

You listened as Izuku trekked to the bathroom across the hall, and if you payed enough attention with your half lidded eyes, you could make out his darkened blurry form passing by the open bedroom door. He shut the bathroom door behind him before he turned on the lights (he was always courteous of you and your need to sleep in the dark), his electric toothbrush vibrating to life. You stayed put in bed and listened to the sound of it while pretending to be asleep. But as soon as it hard started it was just as abruptly stopping, and for reasons you couldn’t place, anxiety bubbled up in your chest as you listened to Izuku go eerily silent for at least a good minute. The light from under the bathroom door shifted as he finally moved, his clothing creating a soft rustling noise while he put his toothbrush back on the counter with a quiet clack.

Sensing that the bathroom door was about to open once more, you turned away from the entryway and faced the wall. You didn’t want him to know you were awake; all you wanted was for him to crawl into bed with you and wrap his arms around you like nothing at all had ever happened, like it was any other normal evening. But as luck would have it, that wasn’t what happened.

Izuku switched the lights off and exited the bathroom, making the short trip to the bed with ease before he stood still at the foot of it for a moment. There was a soft whisper of something, your name maybe? You were too nervous to tell.

“Y/N...?”

Something in his tone caused your heart to race with worry. He was testing you, seeing if you were awake...but for what? He usually knew better than to wake you when he came home any time past midnight, even if it was after a few days of intensive training. If he was trying to get your attention now, then it must be something important. Still, you remained “asleep”, a sinking feeling in your gut and a terrifying thought at the back of your brain. There was no way he knew...right? 

When you gave no indication that you heard him, he carefully crawled onto the bed and lie down behind you, arms encasing you protectively and lovingly while he buried his nose into your neck. “Y/N,” he said again, his voice raising a bit. You involuntarily tensed at the sound, and you shriveled in horror as Izuku propped himself up on one elbow behind you while he used his other arm to shake you gently. There was no way you were getting out of this now; he knew you were awake by your movements. if you weren’t apprehensive before, then you surely were now.

“Izu?” you murmured in your best sleepy voice you could muster.

“Hi, love.” There was something in his normally heartwarming smile, something more complicated than usual behind the forest green of his irises as he looked you over. “I’m home.” The crack in his voice took you by surprise, and you saw tears beginning to form on his long lashes.

“Izu, what’s wrong?” You immediately reached out to him, your insecurities and worries all but forgotten about in the moment. “Did something happen while you were away?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that...” 

He welcomed your touch, grasping your smaller hand in one of his much larger ones as you cupped his cheek. He gave you a small smile before leaning into your hand, and no other words were spoken as the two of you sat together in silence for a moment, Izuku trying to calm his ragged breathing while you stared up at him in concern. Finally, he seemed to find his resolve as he sighed heavily and sniffed, eyes fluttering open just to focus solely on you. Izuku shifted so that he was lying back down, one arm draped over your side as you faced him, both of your bodies comfortably resting against one another while you held his gaze.

“Hey, babe?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer as honestly as you can, okay?”

Immediately your heart thundered to life in your chest. You tried to reassure yourself that you were just overthinking things, that there was no logical way he could know about what you’d done while he was away. Was there...?

“Okay.” You hoped your voice didn’t seem as shaky as you felt. 

“Are you bottling things up again?” He was so gentle. The tone in which he asked you had been soft, his eyes glossy, his touch tender as he ran a careful hand over your shoulder and down your back to rub small circles against it.

“What do you mean?” 

Maybe if you acted ignorant, he wouldn’t try to press you any further. But then, this was Izuku, wasn’t it? Who we’re you trying to kid?

“You didn’t seem like yourself when I called you last night. And your friend said you seemed a little off the other day during your visit. I’m just worried about you. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Sure, there were lots of things you wanted to say, but you didn’t have the courage to say any of them out loud. So instead of confiding in Izuku, you chose to pull away emotionally. Luckily for you, however, this did not manage to go unnoticed by your boyfriend.

“No...I’m fine. Promise.”

“Oh, honey...” The amount of care and concern he held for you in his words made you feel vulnerable. Izuku pulled you into the tightest hug you’d ever felt in your life, his strong arms wrapping around you in a comforting way while he continued. “You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. I know it’s not.”

Shameful tears dripped sorely from your cheeks as his words started to sink in. After so long of keeping all your feelings to yourself, they finally spilled over and flowed out of you in the form of teardrops that soaked the pillow underneath you. Your walls crumbled and caved, and you clung to Izuku for dear life as you let everything out in the safety of his hold. 

“I’m sorry!” you whispered harshly against his chest. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry-!” For what, you weren’t sure- you just felt the need to apologize. Maybe for relapsing, maybe for crying- or maybe for both.

Izuku hushed you and let you soak his dirtied shirt for as long as you needed. When your sniffles had become less frequent and your hiccups much quieter, he brought his hands to your face, cupping it gently and looking you in the eyes. “Y/N. I love you, and nothing you do or say could change that. Alright?” You nodded in understanding. “I know you’re not okay. I don’t think you realized, but when I went into the bathroom, you...” He struggled to finish his sentence, tears welling up in his eyes again. “You left it out.”

Shit.

Fuzzy memories from earlier played back in your mind as you realized you’d forgotten to put something away that Izuku wasn’t supposed to see. You’d been too busy cleaning the bathroom to remember that you left it sitting on the ledge of the medicine cabinet, right next to the bandages and antiseptic. No wonder he’d stopped brushing his teeth so fast; he must have seen it and put two and two together fairly quickly after that. So then...he knew after all.

“I’m sorry!”

You wanted to say so much more than that. You wanted to tell him you were afraid- afraid that he would leave you, that he would hate you, that he would judge you even though you knew he was the most loving and caring person you could ever ask for. You wanted to tell him you regretted it, that you hated yourself for it, that you wished you could take it back. Of all the things to leave your mouth, those words seemed stuck on repeat. But luckily for you, Izuku always seemed to know how to read you and your words. 

Izuku let go of your face before wrapping you in his arms once more, your head tucked under his chin. “Love, it’s okay. Everything’s alright. I’m not angry, though I am upset that you’re hurting.”

“It was stupid, and I’m sorry, and I wish I never-”

Izuku cut you off. “Oh, Y/N, no. It’s not stupid. You’re in pain, it’s your way of trying to cope. It’s not healthy, and it’s not good, but it’s how you’re trying to survive. And that’s not stupid, Y/N, it’s human. And to be human is to make mistakes.” He gave you a moment to process before carrying on. “Slip ups happen. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or that your progress is all gone, or even that you’re weak. It’s a normal thing. Recovery isn’t linear.”

“What does that mean?” you asked between sobs.

“It means it’s not a straight line, baby. You can’t just quit something cold turkey like that and expect things to go so smooth. It’s great if it does, but...the reality of it is that everyone is different, and while you’ve made a lot of progress already, there will always be ups and downs. And just because you had a relapse doesn’t mean that everything you’ve done before this doesn’t matter anymore. It just means things aren’t so good right now. But we can make them better, together. Okay?”

“Okay...” you mumbled.

“I love you. I’m proud of you for getting this far. We can make it through this, and I’ll be here every step of the way. I’ll do my part and start checking in with you more often, okay?”

You pressed your face into the dry spot of his shirt and clutched at it with both hands. Izuku was your rock, and he wasn’t going anywhere. He was willing to go through this with you and help support you, and that meant the world to you in a place where you felt alone and not worth the time of day.

“I-Izuku?” you hiccuped.

“I’m here,” came his calm reply.

“Don’t leave me, please...”

“Oh, Y/N, I would never. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’m here.” 

[tododorks]

synopsis: why, why, why? everyday you saw them, and everytime it hurt more than the last. it was driving you crazy and you tried to ignore it, you really did– but it was easier said than done..

parings: midoriya izuku/reader (+platonic bakugou katsuki/reader)

warnings: cursing, angst, self-hatred, depression, all that fun stuff

word count: 1.6k

i do be feelin down in the dumps fam, so here, take my sadness in form of writing and read it also this was barely proofread,, so whoops

.・。.・゜✭・.・✭・゜・。.

Why did he look at her like that?

You never meant to be jealous, you never thought you would be jealous. Especially not because of her. For three years you had friends, hell, she was one of your closest friends now. So why? Why did it hurt so much?

Why did your heart ache when you saw them talking together, walking together? Why did it hurt so goddamn much when he laughed at her jokes and when he would look at her and smile?

But you told yourself it was okay. That it would go away, that this feeling would go away. There wasn’t a need to bother him with your feelings. He would just get upset, and you didn’t want him to be upset. You wanted him to be happy, that’s all that was important.

“Y/N, angel?” You heard Izuku’s voice from behind.

He looked happy.

“Hey, Izuku. How are you?” You gave him a slight smile, pushing the negative thoughts out of your mind.

“Good,” He took a seat next to you. “Just wondering if you wanted to hang out with Iida and Ochako tomorrow? M-me too, obviously.”

You nodded and he patted your shoulder.

It didn’t feel right.

“U-um…” You stammered out.

He looked back at you with a questioning look, but you couldn’t get anything out. You wanted to tell him, so badly, but you couldn’t.

After a few seconds he went back to his seat.

. . .

Izuku texted you that he’d meet up with you and Iida. He was walking with Ochako.

But that was okay! You were okay.

It was just walking, they were just walking. After all, she was his best friend, it was only natural.

“Are you okay, L/N?” Iida asked you.

“Yeah, of course,” You replied.

He nodded and you two continued to walk in silence. It was awkward. Despite being a part of their friend group (their friend group being Izuku, Iida, Ochako, Tsuyu, and Todoroki), you didn’t exactly feel like you fit in anymore, but you didn’t exactly have another group you could just slide in to. Other than them, Bakugou was your only friend. Though his group didn’t exactly feel right either.

You looked down at the ground and began to lightly scratch your arm. Just a nervous habit. Iida took notice but left you be, knowing it was probably best if he did. He could tell something was off with you, but he didn’t want to overstep his boundaries and make you uncomfortable.

“Midoriya! Uraraka!”

You looked up immediately and saw him– saw them. They were so close, shoulders centimeters apart. Why were they so close? There was a weird, painful feeling in your chest, but you ignored it and tried your best to look happy.

Izuku ran up to the two of you, and Uraraka followed suit.

“L/N! You look beautiful!” She flashed you a quick smile before turning to Iida and starting a conversation.

You nodded and turned to them, forming a small circle. Izuku was on the opposite side of you, nervously laughing at what Uraraka had just said. He looked at her like she meant everything.

“Hey, Izu.” You waved.

“Hi, Y/N!” No nickname.

Izuku didn’t always call you nicknames around people, he’d get too flustered before he could manage the full word. It was the first time he’d ever been in a real relationship and he was still getting used to it. But even knowing that, it upset you. It’d been a while since he called you any affectionate names or even hugged you.

But it was okay, you were just overthinking it. The two of you were probably just getting out of that honeymoon phase people say relationships go through.

Yeah,

That was it.

The four of you walked the rest of the way to the park. The three of them talked and laughed amongst each other and you would pop in every once in a while. It still felt slightly uncomfortable, but you wanted to contribute at least something.

You didn’t want to be boring.

You didn’t want Izuku to think you were a boring person.

. . .

You stepped into the bustling lunchroom. Despite being full of students, somehow it felt empty too. You felt like an idiot standing alone in one of the aisles between tables while everyone else was with their friends.

But you couldn't move, you were stuck in place. You knew people were looking at you strangely, you just knew they were, but you were unable to move. Before you could think you were calling for Izuku. He was the only person you wanted to see. Seeing him, his face and his beautiful smile looking at you may calm you down.

And there he was.

But why was he walking with Uraraka? Why was he looking at her like that, touching her like that, smiling at her like that? For a brief second you thought you saw them holding hands, but the next moment it was gone. You felt tears forming in your eyes, you wanted them to stop, to smile and tell yourself that it was okay and they were just being friendly with each other. But that look… that look.

It was the same look he gave you when he told you he had loved you.

Through your tears you saw him look back at you, and you thought he would walk over to you and hold you. You thought he would comfort you and ask you what was wrong. Instead he gave you a blank stare and turned back to Uraraka and sat down with the rest of their friends. They didn’t even notice you were gone. They just continued their normal chatting, completely forgetting about you.

Were you really that forgettable…?

.

“That’s fucking stupid.”

“Bakugou,” You whined, shoving your face deeper into his pillow. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you!”

He rolled his eyes. “Well it is. You know we all care about you.” You lifted your head up slightly, eager to see what he’d else say. “We wouldn’t forget about you. Not now, not ever.”

“Katsu…”

“Don’t fucking call me that, almost as bad as Kacchan…” He grumbled.

Hearing ‘Kacchan’ made you think of Izuku.. which made you think about him and Uraraka and the dream. God, that fucking dream. It definitely wasn’t the first, but that one was just flat out fucking with your mind. At least the others were subtle about it.

Bakugou was always honest with you, which is what you liked about him. If you were to ask anyone else whether Izuku and Uraraka looked like a good pair, they’d probably say no out of pity for you. Of course, he made sure he didn’t hurt you with his words. What can I say? He had a soft spot for you.

Though he knew you were going to be hurt when he said yes, you were already hurting because of it, and he knew you needed to hear it whether you liked it or not. It was your third time coming to him because of Izuku and Uraraka and Izuku and your relationship. But he could see how tired you were, how upset you were when you looked at the two of them, and sometimes if he was close enough he could hear you crying at night. Bakugou knew the only reason you hadn’t come to him more was because you didn’t want to be selfish or whiny.

No matter how much he told you that you could always come to him when you were feeling down, you couldn’t bring yourself to actually go to him. To you it always felt like you were just being a burden by doing so.

He looked at you with a hint of pity. Ever since you told him about your worries a few days ago he’d been noticing things about you and he was beginning to worry for your health. It wasn’t the first time you put someone else’s feelings above your own, but it was the first time he saw just how much it was hurting you. Not having the best mental health wasn’t exactly an unfamiliar topic to you and he knew that too.

“Op-oing-at…” You mumbled into the pillow.

“Sorry, can you repeat that, Shrek?” He said.

You lifted your head up and gently threw the pillow at him. “I said stop doing that, looking at me like I’m a wounded animal– and what do you mean Shrek? I sounded nothing like him.”

“I wasn’t looking at you like…” You cut him off.

“You were.”

“I could tell, Bakugou.”

He shifted and pressed his back against the wall, looking up at his ceiling and letting out a deep sigh. You weren’t an idiot, he knew that, just too caught up in your feelings to realize how badly the relationship was affecting you. That or maybe you were just holding out hope that it was just temporary, that your feelings would pass and your relationship with him would go back to how it was before.

Happy.

“Y/N?”

You hummed in response, tapping his knee rhythmically.

“Is this relationship really worth it?”

You stopped and sucked in a breath. “Pfft...what do you mean…? What– what are you now? A relationship counselor or something?” You let out a small laugh.

“Well, I just mean you seemed happy before.. and now…” His eyes left you and drifted to his hand. “Look, you know I don’t like that damn Deku, but he seemed to make you happy. But now it just seems like half of the time you’re with him you’re suffering.”

“‘s not true…”

“Y/N.”

You sat up and folded your hands in your lap, shaking your head. It wasn’t true. You just felt a little blue, that’s all.

“Just think about it, not about how much you love that nerd or whatever– and not about how he’d feel either. Just think about it,”

“Is it really worth it?”

[hero-philia]

BNHA Secret Santa ~ A Name for Christmas

A/N: Hello everyone! Merry Christmas to all of you, but especially one person that happened to have me being announced her Secret Santa for the BNHA Writers Fest: @antigenius (Okay, why doesn't it let me tag you Q.Q) - I REALLY HOPE THAT YOU LIKE IT!

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A Name for Christmas | A Midoriya Izuku Oneshot

-----

The dust in front of him needed an eternity to clear at least a little. Midoriya couldn’t say that he was pleased with not being able to see anything but darkness. Still, he patiently waited for it to disappear nevertheless because he knew that someone was there. 

That you were there. Somewhere not too far away from him, though he couldn’t exactly tell where.

„I wasn’t expecting Christmas to be like this,“ he heard you cough from his right side.

Only a second later he spotted the flashy purple of your hero costume, which made him sigh in relief. 

He would most likely not admit in public that being a pro hero didn’t come with advantages all the time. Having to patrol on Christmas Eve was such a thing. Instead of watching some movie with you, the both of you gave it their best to stop a villain from randomly attacking people. 

Some debris had already hit the ground earlier, which left the whole area covered in dust. Even breathing had become a challenge ever since.

„Let’s show him what we think of his unholy behaviour!“ With this he gave you a nod before aiming for the seemingly invisible enemy.

So far Midoriya hadn’t gotten a real clue about the quirk of the stranger. The only thing he knew happened to be that it had something to do with controlling things like telekinesis. Earlier he had thrown a car right into the house behind them, missing the heroes just by a few inches.

People were surrounding the scene, at least they had done so. Did they run away as soon as the dust had hit the area? He wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t risk to hesitate. 

Every second was important now.

Meanwhile you had managed to escape the place with bad sight. From your new position you watched the green dot going for the spot where the villain had been. Possible that he was still standing there. 

5 a.m. Who the heck attacked people at 5 a.m. on Christmas morning?! 

You stared at the tattoo on your arm, that presented your connection with your fellow hero. Luckily the wind cleared the fighting space and revealed the scenario again. From then on you guided Midoriya with ease, protecting him from the attacks by making his body move unconsciously. 

The boy threw one punch after another, groaning but getting up again if he had been hit himself. He smirked while he prepared to launch his signature attack at the unknowing man. Nothing would destroy his merry plans to celebrate Christmas with you!

„DETROIT … SMASH!“ His voice echoed through the area. A loud thud followed suit.

In order to delete the bond between him and you, you flicked your fingers. Needless to say that the third person was out cold, laying on the floor with a big crack in the road underneath his body. Never mess with Deku’s strength. 

Though he had just fought a villain, the green-head was smiling at you like nothing had happened. You appeared next to him when the few remaining witnesses cheered about your victory. 

„I can always count on you! Thank you for making me block all of those attacks,“ he blurted out in front of everyone. 

Good thing that the media hadn’t arrived yet because that would have caused an endless amount of interviews and stupid magazine articles. Admittedly, both of you were surprised that they hadn’t found out so far, despite seeing you work together as Pro Heroes for three years.

Deku and Collegato - Are they hiding a secret?

Midoriya always blushed at the thought of the newspapers revealing your relationship and everyone knowing it when they would see him. Every now and then he would ruffle his hair when he had just managed to not accidentally blurt out something.

But he enjoyed it either way as long as he could be together with you. 

~ 

„Can’t you stop risking your neck at least once, Midoriya? Both of you look horrible!“

Recovery Girl hadn’t reacted very well to seeing the two of you arriving in the emergency room. The costumes were covered in holes, his face carried one scratch next to the other, your hair pointed into every possible direction.

He scratched the back of his neck, „Sorry! But the villain was endangering a lot of innocent people. I couldn’t watch without doing something.“

In response Recovery Girl eyed at you, putting a smirk on. You tried to avoid her glare by putting your hair up into a ponytail. A rather childish behaviour for an adult and pro hero, but that didn’t matter for you.

„Ah, I see how things are. You jumped in because someone could have gotten hurt.“

And she had successfully broken him within two minutes. Midoriya turned into a stuttering mess who didn’t know where to look without sending weird signs while his face slowly changed its color. After that Recovery Girl didn’t need any official confirmation anymore. She wished a merry christmas before leaving the room.

You sighed. He sighed. 

You started to laugh. He started to laugh. 

„Seriously, I didn’t think that she would be the first one to find out,“ you gasped for air between the laughs as tears began to form in your eyes. 

Obviously, Midoriya’s mom as well as your parents and all of your friends were already informed about the relationship status. It would have been more than exhausting to hide it for two years, especially because none of you had seen a reason to. 

Several minutes later the laughter slowly died to leave space for the first silence since the attack had taken place. Regularly you caught him staring at you, your bandaged arm and the band-aid at your forehead to be more specific. That his own chest was wrapped in it didn’t seem to bother him at all. 

„Hey, Izu?“ He looked into your eyes. „I think we won’t make it to the cinema in time. How about directly going to your apartment instead?“

Originally the plan had consisted of watching a movie, then visiting a nice restaurant nearby and afterwards proceeding to simply enjoy each other’s presence at his. None of you had seen it coming that things might get messed up during your patrol.

Izuku being Izuku had insisted to take that shift because, one, you weren’t too much into Christmas as you didn’t grow up with it and, two, everyone else from the agency could take a day off to spend it with their loved ones. 

Casually you had agreed to accompany him as his patrol partner like usual, not even imagining that you could get a car thrown into your direction. Who would have?

Again he smiled at you this big, innocent smile filled with happiness: „Sounds great! Let’s do it this way…“

You thought he would continue talking as it looked like he hadn’t finished yet, but his eyes scanned the room. When he continued grinning at you while jumping off the bench, you didn’t give it another thought. Not hand in hand, yet close enough to potentially do it, you walked out of the hospital after you had promised Recovery Girl to watch after yourself a little better. Izuku had to do the same.

Still dressed in your completely stained hero costumes, Midoriya decided to make a detour to the agency. Both of you met in the lounge downstairs after you had changed into your normal clothes, which were much more comfortable and warming than the holes in your suits.

„I’m glad to see that you have a sense of sanity when it comes to wearing proper clothes in winter, that will actually keep you warm,“ you chuckled.

Within the past two years, your boyfriend’s style had made a turn to … the unexpected. 

The cropped, dark-green hoodie seemed to be at least somewhat warm. His ripped skinny jeans didn’t give off such a vibe, though you weren’t complaining about the fishnet stockings underneath. Sometimes the pullover would ride up a little too much, showing off his toned abs and you caught yourself staring at it rather often.

Too bad that he proceeded to put on this long coat, which always reminded you of fashion models. 

Compared to his hero outfit his daily life appearance didn’t have a lot in common with it. Therefore many people would not recognise who they were standing next to in public. Of course you made use of it while leaving the agency; this time hand in hand. 

~

Finally the apartment door fell shut behind your entering figures. As beautiful as all these lights in the streets might be, it didn’t take away the cold. 

You were about to step into the living room to collapse on the sofa, but Izuku physically restrained you from doing so. His bandaged hand applied a bit of pressure on your stomach area, careful not to accidentally hurt you. 

„Could you please wait here for a minute? I’ll be back in no time!“ 

A part of you wanted to walk through the now closed door anyways. On the other hand his puppy eyes had too much of an affect on you whenever he was pleading for something. Like leaving you in the chilly hallway. It always left you stunned that you wouldn’t turn mad then. 

At the same time Izuku had begun to throw around things in his bedroom before going on with the same procedure in the living room. When he had to pass the hallway, he gave you an apologetic smile only to moved on.

„Izuuuuuu? It’s getting kind of freezing out here,“ you complained a little.

Meanwhile on the other side of the door, your boyfriend was struggling with multitasking as he tried to switch on the sound station and to put on his new sweater simultaneously. 

After pushing his head through the matching hole, he shouted, „Just a minute! I’m nearly finished!“

Literally a minute later, the door swung open in front of you. A wild mix of green, red and gold jumped into your sight. And you bursted out in laughter. 

„Oh my god! That’s the most Christmas-y sweater I’ve ever seen!“

He chuckled, „I know that you aren’t the Christmas type. But I still wanted to give it a try because it’s Christmas!“

When you stepped into the living room, not only the warmth of the heater embraced your body. The soft smell of gingerbread filled the room while old Christmas hits were playing in the background. Izuku had even decorated the windows with holiday lights, that were shining in all colours of the rainbow.

Before you could sit down to relax your sore limbs, he took your hand and guided you to the window front. 

„It’s so beautiful, Izu. I can’t believe you arranged all of this!“

You leaned onto his surprisingly warm body and nuzzled your cheek into the soft fabric of the sweater. The gold it contained, managed to bring out your boyfriend’s eyes even more, like they were real green emeralds. 

In response he rested his head on yours, wrapping one arm around your waist to pull you closer.

„I’m really glad that you like it, baby.“

For a moment you didn’t react at all because you were busy replaying the scene in your head over and over again. Did this actually happen? Or did your tired mind start imagining things?

When you looked up to him with a question mark in your eyes, you noticed the small blush on his cheeks.

„Did you just call me baby?“

Out of nowhere Midoriya’s built up self-esteem disappeared and he began to fiddle around with his fingers while avoiding your glance as much as possible. His face turned into a tomato the longer the silence between the two of you lasted. You had probably pushed a button of his.

He stuttered, „Ehm, no. I mean … Yeah, I did! But if you don’t like it, we - we can forget that this happened and live on without ever mentioning it again. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you -„

„I love it. Please never stop using it.“

Now it was Izuku’s turn to replay everything in order to find out whether this had been real or his imagination. With wide eyes he looked down to you.

Your big smile eliminated all doubts and he closed both of his arms around you, leaving you caught in the middle. In this position you could hear his racing heart inside of his chest before pulling yourself up by intertwining your fingers behind his neck. By the second, your faces got closer to each other.

„Merry Christmas, baby.“

He didn’t leave you any room to answer or at least somehow return it before his warm lips made yours melt into a kiss. 

-----

Everyone have awesome holidays and enjoy your time with family/friends/yourself/your pets/etc. - I’m off to working on your requests now :3

[firebirdsdaughter]

Random Writing Tidbit-ish… Romance?…

… So.

I wrote about kissing.

That’s new.

Well, it’s rather involved kissing.

Please note, though: This does contain references to romantic interactions (such as kissing and physical contact) of dubious consent—at the very least, there is an extreme power disbalance in the situation.

So… In canon I want them to be friends (not usually big on canon romance, actually), and in my ‘official’ fanon, they’re friends… But… But kissing, guys.

When is this set? Is it an AU? An alternate possible timeline? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure this is massively ooc, but I wanted to post it anyway to prove I could. I guess. Maybe. I’m very tired right now. I have no common sense or judgement.

I’m sorry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It wasn’t my idea to do this now!” Fuwa growled, stomping across the floor of the basement as they waited. The plan was to move Horobi to a more secure location in a continuation of their current, however shaky, alliance against Thouser, but they had to wait until the close was clear and no one else could notice and possibly report to ZAIA. As a result, Hiden was having Izu monitor the headquarters’ security cameras, the two of them had been stuck biding their time in the dark, empty basement—together. For hours. “I’d rather not spend more time with you!”

“I have noticed.” Horobi replied dryly, preferring to stand at the centre of the room and look around rather than useless motion, watching the human pace. He could have sat down in one of the still-upright folding chairs, but he’d had enough of them after weeks of being trapped in one.

Vulcan’s head spun around to glare furiously at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You have been particularly vocal on the subject.”

“That a problem?” Fuwa’s voice came from right beside his shoulder, the human having marched back over to him, eyes blazing angrily.

Horobi sighed, turning to face him, rolling his eyes. “Why must humans be so insufferably loud?”

Then Fuwa’s face was in his, practically spitting, like Vulcan always did when he began boiling over. “You trying to start a fight or something?”

Horobi said nothing, just staring back at him for a moment—then, because Fuwa was so close, radiating anger, and because he’d had enough of being pushed and snapped at all day, he leaned his head sharply forward and shoved his lips roughly against Vulcan’s.

It wasn’t really a kiss. More just slamming their mouths together and holding there. But even that was unexpectedly an almost… Pleasant sensation. Fuwa was warm. He was solid. He was… Real. And so very… Human. He was everything Horobi should detest with every single atom in his being, and yet the closeness was… Comforting. He felt Fuwa freeze, his heartbeat rising and his breath coming short, telltale signs that said he’d never done this before.

Something in Horobi’s mind misfired, and without thinking he found himself pulling closer, trying to cling to the warmth of Fuwa’s body like the room was suddenly cold, his hands actually reaching up to grab hold of the human’s suit jacket for more proximity. Vulcan was still too stunned to react, but he didn’t falter or stumble back when Horobi pressed closer against him, stedfast as a pillar. Horobi’s head tilted, unbidden, like his body wanted to turn this into a real kiss, his lips moving against Fuwa’s. The reaction made even less sense to him—HumaGear had no hearts, no lungs, no blood. He should have no instincts that could move him without his command… But he’d also learned long ago that they were still sensitive to touch—and something about contact with Fuwa made him want more. Abnormally warm, heartbeat like a bass drum, and the sheer fact that Vulcan hadn’t tried to kiss back at all, wasn’t trying to press the unexpected advantage he suddenly had or make use of Horobi’s abrupt loss of guard. The complete opposite of that person…

When Fuwa finally did move, it was to shove Horobi away, like the touch was painful to him, jerking back and staring like a deer caught in headlights. With some distance between them, Horobi’s senses came back online, and he immediately tried to recover some of his own dignity, reassuming his usual cold expression. Vulcan took longer to bounce back, visibly struggling to calm both his heartbeat and breathing.

He looked so startled and lost that Horobi couldn’t resist a smirk. “… I would have assumed you had at least kissed before.”

Fuwa turned red, though it was hard to tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. “W… What are you…?”

“It is particularly obvious by how flustered you are.” Horobi informed him shortly, not bothering to wait for him to finish.

“Of… Of course I’ve…!” Fuwa’s panicked look settled into an only slightly rattled glare as he trailed off. “And what the hell would you know about kissing?!”

“More than you do, apparently.” Horobi tilted his head, analysing Vulcan’s agitation. “Really? No one?” He smirked slightly once more. “Not even Valkyrie?”

Fuwa flushed even more at the mention of Yaiba, turning away to collect himself. By the time he looked back over at Horobi, however, his eyes had narrowed even more, his mouth twisting. “Sh… Shut up!” He snapped sourly. “Where the hell did a HumaGear trying to destroy humanity learn kissing, then?!”

“Amatsu Gai.”

The answer was so immediate and flat that it threw Vulcan off for a moment, and his rage was tempered by bewilderment. “A… Amatsu?” His mouth opened and closed a few times before he found anymore words. “You… You kissed Amatsu?”

Horobi merely stared at him blankly. “I did not say that.”

“But you just…” It was like he could see the gears turning as Fuwa processed his statement. “… Oh.” Vulcan’s expression shifted even more, a look creeping onto his face that was partway between horror and… Pity? “Oh.” He said again, gaze dropping to the floor.

Horobi raised an eyebrow at him. “Satisfied?”

Fuwa was quiet for long enough that Horobi began to turn away, until the man abruptly spoke, far softer than before. “Then… Why kiss me?”

Horobi froze. He had no answer—his initial intention had been to force the human to be quiet, maybe embarrass him—but he had no excuse for his behaviour after that. Especially not the way he’d tried to get closer and deepen the kiss. Was it the overwhelming, petty sense of finally taking something that before had only been taken from him? Or was it because Fuwa was so much Amatsu’s opposite that it felt like… Like contact with him somehow cancelled out what Amatsu had done. At the very least, the drastically different sensation overrode the lingering, phantom memory of Amatsu’s touch, something he could still feel years after the last time the President of ZAIA had even been in the same room as him. HumaGear didn’t experience or need for intimacy the same way humans did… But the way the sensation of Amatsu’s cold fingers curling around his chin, or tracing the lines of his face and down his neck, running through his hair, while the mouth over his would occasionally bite down sharply on his lip as a reminder of who was in control, still clung to him like invisible shackles had taught him that touch not only mattered, but would stay with them for a long time. With Jin the binds had lightened—focusing on his son had given him something else to think about, something infinitely more pleasant. The Ark’s will had been a purpose beyond the chains of the past; both a chance to be something more than… His.

But Jin was gone and the Ark had been no freedom at all, and the feeling of the cold hands clawed back in, wrapping back around his throat. The contact with Vulcan had unexpectedly overridden the memories, the warmth chasing away the ghostly cold. Whenever Jin had touched him, all his senses had locked onto that contact as a welcome distraction, but that was all it was. Jin’s touch was different; it didn’t—couldn’t—seek out the lingering traces of Amatsu’s hands and wipe them away, as Fuwa’s had seemed to, like he was washing away stains.

He hadn’t realised how long he stood frozen until Fuwa’s voice came again, slightly closer. “Oi. Did you hear me?”

Slowly, Horobi turned his head to look at Vulcan, who had taken a few steps around  to stand in front of him again. One of Fuwa’s hands was partially extended, like he’d been thinking about reaching out to the HumaGear—when Horobi looked at him, however, he quickly snapped it back, looking vaguely self conscious. For a moment, Horobi just stared at him. “… I do not know.” It was not a lie. He was genuinely unsure of what his purpose had been. “… You are not Amatsu Gai.”

Fuwa gave him a look like he thought he was going senile. “Well… Obviously.”

“That had… An unexpected effect.”

Vulcan frowned, shifting even nearer, enough that Horobi could detect just a slight hint of his higher body temperature, his hand drifting out again. “… Horobi…”

When Fuwa’s fingertips actually brushed his sleeve, his gaze flicked further up to meet the human’s eyes, which were now brimming with some sort of weird mix of emotions that Horobi was certain he would never be able to properly process—but there amongst them, just like before, were horror and pity. Staring into Fuwa’s eyes, with the man so close that the warmth he radiated like a bonfire was beginning to seep through the the fabric of his coat, Horobi could suddenly feel every single persisting trail of Amatsu’s touch he’d ever endured, wrapped around him like a horrible, frozen cloud—and he just wanted it all off.

It wasn’t even a full step forward to be close enough to kiss Fuwa again—and this time, his mind was clear, and his every motion deliberate as always. Vulcan wasn’t as shocked, either, and though he initially tensed when Horobi’s lips first touched his, he relaxed after a moment, rather than pulling away. For a bit, he just let Horobi kiss him, holding still as the HumaGear’s hands drifted up again, this time to grab handfuls of his blazer, pulling closer—then his head tilted slightly, pushing back just a little, like he was trying to ask a question. Horobi paused, pulling back just barely enough to speak, and used a word he’d only uttered a very few times in his life, “Please.”

Vulcan promptly closed the tiny distance between them. Fuwa kissed as angrily as he did everything, with the same air of spoiling for a fight. His mouth was warm, his lips slightly chapped, and he inexplicably tasted like coffee and chocolate, though Horobi knew that as a HumaGear, he shouldn’t be able to taste anything. It felt like a challenge, an invitation to push back, rather than an expectation of control. His hands settled lightly on Horobi’s arms, leaning closer rather than pulling or grabbing, staying completely away from the HumaGear’s face. His mouth was clumsy against Horobi’s, inexperienced—Horobi suspected that if he had ever kissed before, it hadn’t been since high school at the latest—nothing like the practiced grace Gai had used. His heartbeat and breathing were fast and loud, almost panicked again, bursting with emotion, not light and unaffected.

He���d never really considered how small Fuwa actually was, either—he’d always known the man’s exact height, but had never had reason to compare it to his own. Now he realised Vulcan had to tip his head up and stand slightly on his toes for them kiss. With that knowledge, his hands loosened from Fuwa’s suit, one moving to the back of the human’s head, fingers weaving into Vulcan’s hair—the other arm went around the human’s waist, lifting him easily off the ground. Fuwa gasped sharply, his own arms shooting around Horobi’s shoulders for balance, fingers scrabbling against the HumaGear’s back for purchase—not that Horobi was in any danger of dropping him. Once they’d settled into a more comfortable equilibrium, Fuwa’s hands began exploring, tracing new memories across Horobi’s back and shoulders, even up the back of his neck to the edge of his head wrap, fingertips even slipping under it, brushing against the hair beneath. Horobi let his more complex systems slow down, choosing to lose himself in Fuwa’s warmth, in the strange, combat-like kiss, shutting out the rest of the world, even his own internal clock.

 Eventually, it was unsurprisingly Fuwa who pulled back first, shoulders heaving, voice breathless. “… Some of us need to breathe regularly.” For a moment, they kept just staring at each other—until Vulcan finally swallowed nervously. “So…” He rasped, raising his eyebrows, “… Can you put me down?”

Horobi hesitated for a moment, but finally he reluctantly lowered the human back to the  floor, arms lingering around him for a bit before at last pulling away and stepping back. He turned away slightly as Fuwa smoothed and righted his clothes in awkward silence, trying to put his own mind back in order, and finally realising the situation he’d put himself in. “… We never speak of this again.”

Vulcan took several more deep breaths, raising the back of his hand to his lips. “Damn… You even kiss like you’re trying to kill someone…”

Horobi glared at him. “We. Never. Speak. Of. This. Again.”

Fuwa watched his expression for a moment, then nodded slowly. “… Agreed.” He said, at last. Then his phone buzzed, and he quickly checked it. “… That’s Hiden. Izu says we’re clear to go.”

Satisfied with Vulcan’s agreement of silence, Horobi spun on his heel and marched off toward the stairs without waiting to see if Fuwa was following him.

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I actually spent a lot of time, more time than I usually spend, at least, thinking about the concept of intimacy and how it would relate to HumaGear… Obviously, they have no blood flow, or breath, or heartbeat, etc. But they do seem to be sensitive to physical contact, can differentiate between it being pleasant or unpleasant, whether it hurts or not… It seemed to me that could end up being their version of a reaction to intimacy, contact that they feel comfortable w/, in a way. Would also have a level of having rights to what happens to their bodies, etc.

[raendown]

Pairing: MadaraTobirama Chapter: 4/18 Word count: 1776 Summary: When Tobirama is exiled from the Senju clan without warning, without even the chance to plead his case, it feels like his life is over. What does he have to live for now without his older brother to believe in him? Captured by the Uchiha in his moment of weakness, Tobirama slowly learns to live again with the last people on earth he would have ever expected to care for - or to fall in love with.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI in the blog header!

Chapter 4

Waking slowly to realize that someone else was in the room with him was so familiar at this point he almost allowed himself to slide back down in to sleep. The sweet bliss of unconsciousness was much more preferable to the pain of being awake anyway. He very nearly managed it until the two voices finally registered and he lay there listening to Izuna and Madara conversing in barely lowered voices, clearly not aware he had woken yet and just as clearly not worried their conversation might change that. Either they didn’t care or they were banking on his preference for remaining unconscious.

“But it’s his own brother…”

“Yeah. I know. You’ve said that eight times – nine now, counting that time.” Izuna sounded as though he were rolling his eyes and the familiarity of their banter sent a lance of pain through Tobirama’s chest. He’d had that familiarity in his own life too until recently.

Someone, most likely Madara, huffed indignantly. “It’s just shocking. I don’t think there’s anything you could possibly do that would make me turn you away. Unless you were…I don’t know…killing off all the clan babies or something.”

“He was messing with the dead.”

“I suppose. But – and don’t freak out – I sort of get where he was coming from? If you thought you had found a way to see Taro or Tamotsu again, wouldn’t you do it?” Tobirama vaguely recognized the names of the two Uchiha clan heirs that died long ago, surprised that he did so. His father had made him memorize every member of their enemies’ head family on the off chance he had an opportunity to kill one of them. He hadn’t so much as thought of those names in a very long time.

“Don’t ask me weird questions.” Several heartbeats passed in silence until Izuna sighed. “Fine. Stop looking at me like that. You know my answer.”

“Exactly! We would all do it! There’s not a person I know that wouldn’t give anything and everything for the chance to see the people they’ve lost just one more time. But Hashirama exiled him for that? Maybe he’s changed but that isn’t the Hashirama I remember.”

Tobirama squeezed his eyes closed tighter. It wasn’t the Hashirama he had known all his life either. He couldn’t begin to fathom why the man hadn’t even spared him the chance for an explanation or listened to his side of the story. If he had only been able to speak on his own behalf he was sure he could have made Hashirama understand.

What a world he lived in where his greatest enemies believed in him more than his own sibling.

“Kami’s beard, is he ever gonna wake up?”

One of them shifted and then Izuna yelped before Madara replied sternly, “I think he’d rather sleep his way to death if he could so don’t tempt him.”

“What are we gonna do with him when he does wake up?”

“I…don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right to kill him in cold blood now, not knowing what he’s gone through.”

“You know he’s our enemy right? Scourge of the Uchiha? Killer of our brethren?”

“How many of his brethren do you think we’ve killed in turn?”

“Good point… good point…”

One of them sighed again, probably Madara this time because the sound was quickly followed with his voice muttering, “That’s why we wanted to stop this war in the first place when we were kids. None of us hate each other for actual good reasons, it’s just an endless circle of ‘you killed so-and-so, now I’m going to kill you back’ and it’s all so pointless. We mourn our losses and then throw more soldiers away as if that isn’t exactly the cause of all our own misery.”

“Whoa, hold on, I don’t know if I’m ready to get all deep like this so early in the morning. I only followed you down here ‘cause I wanted to know what you planned to do with that broken ghost over there.”

“Broken ghost?” Madara parroted his brother incredulously.

The two of them descended in to giggles and Tobirama would have been offended if he could muster the energy for it. He’d been called a lot worse, though, so mostly the insult just rolled on passed him like so many others had. Besides, he couldn’t exactly deny he was unusually pale, especially considering that most of his clan tended towards more medium skin tones than the lighter ones the Uchiha were prone to, but he wasn’t fat.

No, not his clan. The Senju. He was going to have to get used to that.

It took a while for the two brothers to calm down, repeatedly breaking out in to fits of sniggering. They were probably doing something to set each other off again each time but whatever it was he couldn’t be bothered to look. Eventually they trailed off and sat together quietly for several minutes until Izuna spoke again.

“You know, I never would have expected this sort of behavior from him, of all people.”

“What do mean?” Madara asked.

“It’s just…pathetic. His clan kicks him out and he just gives up on life? Granted, I can’t really say I know much about him other than how he holds his blade, but from what little I know of him he just doesn’t seem the type to let himself go to waste like this.”

“He lost his whole family,” Madara pointed out in a hushed tone. “And judging from the story he gave us he clearly values family as much as any Uchiha. Would you do any better in his situation?”

Izuna declined to answer – or at least if he responded it was not verbal. Tobirama wrinkled his nose with distaste. He was not enjoying their conversation but letting them know he was awake wasn’t guaranteed to shift the topic to anything brighter so he didn’t see the point in trying to stop them. All he could do was hope they grew bored and left soon. Or maybe he would get lucky and one of them would take the opportunity to put a blade through his spine while his back was turned.

Unlikely but a man could dream. There wasn’t much else he could dream of now anyway.

“You’re not going to like this. Actually, lots of people aren’t going to like this.”

“Like what?” Izuna sounded cautious, suspicious.

“I think we should keep him.”

“Keep–? Are you out of your mind?”

“Well, think about it! We can’t turn one of our greatest enemies loose, especially not while he’s this mentally unstable. He’s truly not a Senju anymore, you heard Hikaku’s report the same as I did, so technically he’d not even our enemy anymore. And I…Izu, I don’t think I could make myself kill him. Look at him. He’s like a big child having a tantrum except it’s a hundred times sadder to watch.”

Body going stiff with offence, Tobirama finally found something to react to.

“Fuck you,” he muttered. He was briefly satisfied to hear both of them jolt in surprise.

“Well look who decided to wake up.”

“Fuck you too, Izuna.”

Shuffling sounds met his ears and then nothing but the shifting of air as the two of them came closer, stopping at the door of his cell.

“My brother has good news for you but something tells me you’re not going to like it.”

“What could you possibly gain from keeping me alive?” he grumbled, rolling over to glare up at the two of them.

In a strange mirror of how they usually looked, Izuna had left his hair down again while Madara had his wild mane pulled back in to a thick braid, clearly thrown together quickly and meant more for convenience than for aesthetics even if the look was a good one on him.

“Who says we won’t put you to work?” Madara grinned and leaned against the bars. “Maybe I’m just looking for a little free labor around the compound. Don’t you worry S-…Tobirama. We’ll keep you so busy around here you won’t have time to think of anything but how much your back aches from carrying my laundry around.”

“So I’m to be a slave, then?” Tobirama growled. With some effort he picked himself up off the ground to stomp across to the bars and loom over the other man. His body might be withered from inactivity but he was still taller. Unfortunately, despite his lesser height, Madara seemed the taller between them with his easy stance and smug expression. He even had the gall to laugh and reach through the bars to poke Tobirama in the middle of his chest.

“You’re to stay alive and make yourself useful. If I’m going to feed you then I’m going to get something back for my efforts as payment.”

“I don’t need you to save me from myself.”

“Well then I guess I’m just doing this out of the goodness of my heart. Imagine that, eh? An Uchiha with a heart.” Madara draped one arm around his brother’s shoulder and turned them both towards the door, still looking back at his captive. “Probably doesn’t feel like its possible right now but you’ll thank me for it someday. You’ll see.”

Tobirama peeled back his lips in a sneer. “Not likely.”

He got no answer other than a shrug. As the brothers left him he could hear Izuna asking if they were really going to keep him like a pet, then Madara’s voice scolding him not to phrase it like that, and Tobirama despaired. He had hoped that was only a bluff to get under his skin.

Angry and made restless by his own irritation, Tobirama paced back and forth across the wooden floor boards, counting all the spots where it creaked beneath him. He had paced the circumference of his cell several times already before he thought to notice that they had left the single bulb burning, keeping light in the room for the first time. Until now he had been allowed to wallow in darkness, probably because he spent all of his time curled on the floor with his eyes closed anyway, seeing light only when someone brought him food or came to ply him with more questions he generally refused to answer.

Now the light had been left on across the room, wasting precious electricity. Tobirama eyed it and wondered if it had been left by accident or if they knew somehow that he was up and about at long last. He scowled as he resumed his pacing. He would hate to be so predictable to those jerk-heads.

[raendown]

Pairing: HashiramaIzuna Word count: 3545 Soulmate au: The one where there exist specially trained jewelers who will craft you a unique accessory that leads you to your soulmate

Follow the link or read ti under the cut!

KO-FI

Chapter 145: Hashirama/Izuna

Skimming his fingers over the glass, gaze all but devouring the precious gems nestled protectively below, Izuna wondered what it would be like to be trained in the art of soul-crafting, to be born a civilian and follow his heart down whatever path he wanted to. His palms ached to cradle the glittering stones and mold the precious metals in to something so beautiful it made others weep to look upon them. Instead he had scars and callouses, eyes that spun red when adrenaline ran high, and more blood in his dreams than any civilian could fear to see in their entire life.

“Have you chosen one?” a soft voice asked him. Izuna sighed, basking in his unwanted longing for a few more seconds before letting go of it. There was no use in wanting something he would never have. He was born to be a shinobi; no other path had ever been available to him and to wish for one would be to wish for the impossible.

“Emerald,” he breathed after a few moments. “An emerald, please.”

The soul-crafter did not question his choice – which meant that he had made the right one. Izuna smiled as he watched the man delicately flutter both hands over the inside of the display cabinet before selecting a pillow carrying several tiny little gemstones. Each of them were perfectly cut and caught the light at every turn. The deep green color reminded him of nature; not of spring or new growth but of the tenacity, the endurance, the everlasting purity and the strength of nature. There was nothing innocent about that color of green and yet neither could he see any evil.

“An excellent selection.” The soul-crafter hummed over the gems for a moment, looking between them and his customer several times. Then he smiled like he’d thought of a great secret. “Several, I think. And what metal shall they be cast in?”

“Silver,” Izuna answered automatically. He was the second born, the lesser son no matter how much love his brother had for him. He would never dare to wear gold. Could never bear the weight of it.

“Very well. I shall have it ready in three days.”

“You don’t want to ask about the design?”

The soul-caster only continued to smile at him. “I have been listening to the sounds of your soul since you arrived, young man. I know the design you will need. Three days.”

Izuna blinked but didn’t bother to ask further. Most people visited a soul-caster when they were young, picking out the gem and the precious metal which spoke to them the most to create the piece of jewelry which would guide them to the person they were meant to be with. He should have gone when he was a child, had set out with his father to do so once, but they had been ambushed on the journey and there never seemed to be time again after that. It felt strange to stand in the shop and look at displays that had been lowered to stand at a height for children to gaze in to. The embarrassment was easier to ignore when he reminded himself why he was here.

Three days from now he would have his own very own Guide, the piece of jewelry that would connect him to the one person his soul yearned for the most. No one but those who studied the art knew exactly how a soul-crafter created them and not everyone who applied for the training was accepted but nearly every person in the world had commissioned their services at some point in their life. There were many who refused to wear any adornments except their guiding jewelry. Izuna himself had never accepted any gifts of necklaces or broaches, not even the scarf sewn with golden thread and pearls that a prospective suitor had tried to gift him once. It just felt wrong for some reason.

Waiting was difficult. Their father had been settled in his grave for a full year before Izuna found the courage to ask his brother’s permission to make this trip and he had been pleasantly surprised to be gifted an entire week of leave. Now he understood why he needed it. It was hard not to just march in to the shop and station himself right in the middle of the room until it was ready but he knew better. Soul-crafters were venerated even above the Daimyo himself. He would never insult one of them like that even if they weren’t making him the single most important accessory he would ever own.  

Instead he spent the three days wandering around the village he was visiting and paying attention to the way certain things were set up. Madara’s peace looked like it was finally sticking despite the elders having more and more audacious demands every time they met with the Senju to rewrite the treaty. Izuna very much doubted that there was room in his brother’s head of dreams for things like road planning or market layouts. He knew that rat Tobirama was probably thinking of these things and more but Izuna would be damned if he let his old rival show up the Uchiha like that; he would be prepared with some suggestions of his own to show Tobirama he wasn’t the only smart person around.

Madara might have the bigger muscles but Izuna had the bigger brain.

His nerves were so strung out by the time all three days had passed and he was able to go back to the shop that he very nearly didn’t spot the two figures on the roof top above him when he left the inn. Stopping dead with one hand reaching for his kunai holster out of habit, Izuna narrowed his eyes at where the two Senju brothers were looking back at him with mild surprise. Tobirama glared and turned his head. Hashirama waved cheerfully.

“We didn’t expect to see you here, Izu-kun!” the Senju clan Head called down. Izuna twitched.

“Don’t call me that,” he snapped. Hashirama gasped and drooped with sadness while Tobirama dropped his face in to one palm. Izuna shifted his weight and tried to decide how he wanted to handle this situation.

Technically they weren’t really at peace yet, not until the treaty had been signed, but to attack these two now would erase all the hard work his brother had been fighting for – not to mention get his ass beat. No matter how confident he was in his own skills, not even Madara could face both of the Senju siblings together and hope to live.

“Move along, little Uchiha,” Tobirama said with a shooing motion. “We didn’t come here to bother you.”

“Oh be nice, Tobi. He’s an ally now! Bye Izuna-k-…-san.” Hashirama tittered nervously over his almost slip but waved again just the same before tugging his brother along with him and leaping away towards the red light district. They were probably here to meet with some sort of seedy contact. Every clan had some informants they weren’t exactly proud to associate with but those usually tended to be the invaluable ones with ears in all the right places.

Izuna put the retreating Senju out of his mind easily. As weird as it was not attacking each other on sight, too much of his attention was taken up by the excitement of receiving his Guide today. He tried not to smile too weirdly as he hurried through the streets towards the deceptively modest shop at the very edge of the marketplace.

He’s seen soul-crafters in the bigger cities with marble facing on the front of their shops, grand designs carved in to the lintel and fine silks hung in the window. It wasn’t just the shorter distance which lured him here to this village so close to where his own clan compound lay, it was the simplistic humility of the man who welcomed him in to the shop with a nod and a knowing smile. Clearly this man had pursued his craft for the joy of it, not the prestige.

It wasn’t like he made any money off of it. Guides were freely made and freely given. And in return, soul-crafters were supported freely by their community and provided with the finest jewels available.

“Welcome back, Uchiha-san. I have something here that will lead you to the one you are looking for.”

“You have my gratitude,” Izuna told him, bowing low. The man shook his head.

“Do not bow until you have seen it, eh?”

Chuckling quietly, the man pushed a small box across the top of a glass case holding different colored quartz samples. Izuna felt like a child as he snatched it up and cradled it against his chest for a moment before opening the lid with fumbling fingers.

His heart nearly stopped beneath his ribs when he laid eyes on his Guide for the first time. Ten small emeralds had been cast in a ring of purest silver, each placed in their own delicate little leaf, and it looked just the right size to slip on the third finger of his left hand. As he turned the ring to admire it from as many angles as possible he couldn’t help but gawp like a simpleton at the way it caught the light and almost seemed to shift the emeralds between endless shades of green.

“It’s perfect,” he breathed. “You deserve a hundred bows and endless thanks. I have nothing to offer you that could possibly be repayment enough.”

“You need offer me nothing,” the man denied him. Transaction complete, he turned away and hummed a little tune to himself as he headed towards the workshop at the back of the store. He was out of sight even as Izuna opened his mouth to offer a protest.

Suddenly alone, Izuna licked his lips and gently pulled the ring out of its box. While he was in town he would need to pick up some cleaning solution to make sure he kept it in good condition and maybe some polish so that it kept its beautiful shine. It would have to come off for the missions where he might be getting his hands really dirty but every shinobi knew how to get blood out of jewelry; he could remember practicing on his mother’s necklace when she came home from battle wearing the vestiges of smoke like a crown and a gentle smile just for him.

The ring slid on to his hand like it had always been a part of him, cool against the warmth of his skin. It felt odd having something between his fingers stopping them from touching but it was a good sort of odd. Izuna twisted to admire it in to sunlight – and dropped his jaw with shock to see the jewels begin to glow.

Was this how he was supposed to find his soulmate? Exactly how the Guide brought you both together varied from person to person. For some people their designs were the same. For others the shape was significant to one or both of them. Izuna’s, apparently, lit up when he turned in a certain direction. It was hard to misinterpret, at least. He tested it a few times, turning in all sorts of directions and pointing his hand without turning his body, but as soon as he understood the rules of what made it glow he was dashing out the door and rushing off in that direction.

Madara had been kind enough to grant him a full week of leave and he’d only used three days so far. He could cover a lot of ground in two days to get a general sense of where to search for his soulmate and then use the last two days to make it back home in time.

Plan set in his mind, Izuna was across town and two miles out when he thought to look down at his ring again – only to find that it had stopped glowing. A quick check reveal that it was telling him to double back in the opposite direction. His first thought was that he had made a mistake in which way to go. When he hurried back to the shop where he had started from, however, it was still telling him to go northwest, down exactly the same street as before. Confused, he decided maybe it was better to proceed more slowly.

It seemed a bit too much of a coincidence that his soulmate could be in the same city at the same time when he just happened to finally commission his Guide but he supposed he’d rather be safe than sorry. He could afford an hour or two to make sure he was going about this whole thing properly. Izuna bit his lip with focused determination and marched forward where the glow directed him. At one point the glow disappeared without warning and he spun in a circle four times just to confirm his new direction before taking off on a more western path than northwest.

He almost missed the Senju brothers coming back up the street towards him, almost running straight in to Hashirama headfirst. It seemed the clan Head was as distracted as he was, head lowered to look at something on his arm it looked like, but Izuna could care less what they were doing. Tobirama took the time to glare at him suspiciously as he skirted around them both and continued on his way.

And then his ring stopped glowing again.

Izuna frowned, spinning in a circle like he had before, frustrated when he realized it was telling him to double back for a second time. He was starting to think he had misinterpreted what the glowing was supposed to mean. There was no sense in making him run back and forth for no reason.

“No, back this way now,” he heard one of the Senju say behind him.

“We just came from that direction,” Tobirama whined. It was jarring to hear him old rival express such a human emotion as minor annoyance. He didn’t like it.

“Maybe they’re close, Tobi!”

“Alright, alright. So turn around then.”

Izuna was paying attention to his own situation mostly but he was too much of a shinobi and too long at war with those two for him to put them out of his mind entirely when they were this close. One small part of him stayed alert to track their movements while he stepped forward just as they did, passing each other on the street once more. He stopped walking almost at the same time as they did as well when the jewels of his Guide released their glow yet again.

He almost bit straight through his lip, an impossible and unwanted idea occurring to him. Whipping around, he stared at the two Senju with intent eyes, watching Hashirama fiddle with something on his wrist while Tobirama grumbled quietly, fingers pointing vaguely in Izuna’s direction. From the few sentences he had overheard it seemed they were doing the same thing he was – too much of a coincidence for him not to at least indulge the wild thought that this might be something stupid like fate.

Tobirama spared him another suspicious look but said nothing when Izuna edged carefully around them, eyes flickering between them and the ring on his finger. He managed to do a full circuit around the two men before Hashirama noticed his presence as well but that was all he needed to confirm something so unbelievable he almost couldn’t take it in.

One of them was his soulmate.

No matter what angle he stood at the ring lit up only when he pointed it at the two Senju brothers. His Guide was leading him right here to them. Of all the possible reactions he’d imagined himself having, all he found himself thinking about was that if his soulmate turned out to be Tobirama he was going to spend the rest of his life trying to figure out a way to yell at the gods in person. No one deserved that kind of headache, not even his poor little cousin Kagami who waxed poetic about the albino every time he was allowed to come along for the peace talks. Foolish misguided young thing.

“Anija,” Tobirama bit out between clenched teeth, “I think your problem is solving itself.” Hashirama looked up at his sibling and Izuna was startled to notice that such a battlefield titan was capable of making such a cute, wide-eyed expression.

“But Tobi this doesn’t make any sense! My guide has never just randomly gotten warm like this before. I thought maybe my soulmate was here but do you think it’s broken? What do you mean the problem is solving itself? I don’t understand any of this!” Hashirama flustered around and waved his arms, giving Izuna a glimpse of the bracelet circling his wrist, something he’d never noticed before as it was usually hidden under voluminous sleeves.

It was a rare piece, not a single gem to be found but cast entirely of gold shaped to look like flames circling round his arm. Silently he commended the skill of the one who had crafted it. The little flames almost seemed to flicker and jumped right before his eyes.

“Point it that way,” Tobirama told him in a tired voice.

“Eh? Alright…”

“And I’m going to take my leave now before anything disgusting happens.”

“Wha-? Tobi where are you-? Oh! It’s warm again! Tobi come back my Guide is warm again and – oh, hello again Izuna-san!” Hashirama’s smile was cheerful and polite, if a little distracted.

Izuna stared at him in wordless shock until Hashirama looked down to see where the green light was coming from, smiling growing impossibly wider when he spotted the ring with its ten little glowing gems.

“Pretty! Are you looking for your soulmate too?” he asked.

“I…think I…found them…” Izuna swallowed nervously but Hashirama only continued to smile, not understanding, so he forced himself to continue. “Um…my Guide only glows when I point it at you. I think we’re soulmates, Senju-san.”

Watching understanding dawn in Hashirama’s eyes was like watching the sun come up over the horizon, bright and beautiful and mesmerizing in a way he couldn’t properly explain. It made him wonder why he had never taken the time to notice how attractive this man was. Actually he knew the answer to that. Years of being raised to hate each other had blinded him to seeing anything but an opening for attack but now? Now he was close enough to admire the strength of Hashirama’s jaw line, the perfect earthy brown of his eyes, and the brilliance of his happiness just before the man threw himself forward to wrap Izuna in a tight hug.

“Really!? That’s amazing!” He stood to his full height with his arms still locked around Izuna, lifting him right off the ground. It should not have made him flush but he couldn’t stop his cheeks from flooding with heat.

“Uh…it is?”

“Of course!” Hashirama squeezed him until he squeaked in protest. “I wonder why it took us so long to find each other? Not that it matters, I’m just happy to know now. It’s so romantic, don’t you think? Like – like star-crossed lovers!”

Izuna squirmed until he was set back on his own feet, though Hashirama did not release him entirely and he did not ask to be let go. When he tilted his head up he found his vision filled entirely by Hashirama’s face. It wasn’t nearly as terrible of a sight as he might have expected even just earlier that day. The longer he stared the less he wanted to look away, finding more and more details to appreciate.

“Maybe I’m not…totally against this. It would be a good way to solidify the peace between our clans.” His fingers bunched in the material of Hashirama’s sleeves until he worried about his chakra enhanced strength misshaping the brand new ring on his finger yet he couldn’t seem to make himself let go.

“Ooohh I didn’t even think of that,” Hashirama said. Izuna lifted one eyebrow.

“Really? I would have thought that was the first thing on your mind. You and Aniki are so obsessed with making this peace work.”

“Yeah but you’re really cute Izuna-san.” Leaning in just a little bit closer, something in Hashirama’s smile changed in a way he couldn’t define, a way that made his knees turn to water. “Since we’re soulmates, can I call you Izu-kun now?”

To combat the sudden urge to burst in to flames, Izuna buried his face in Hashirama’s chest, more glad than ever that his rival had given them a bit of privacy for this moment.

“Madara is going to be so happy and so mad at the same time,” he deflected.

Hashirama went stiff in his arms and Izuna finally remembered how his brother used to go on and on about the man’s mood swings, how sudden and rapid they could be. Feeling Hashirama droop against him in a way that pressed their bodies together, he thought to himself that he was more than willing to ride this roller coaster – for the sake of peace, of course.