#it bleeds everytime she experiences strong emotions like stress

[mpekamitzii]

Girl you're not looking so well

[angelixzane]

; Dull Scissors

IIf you've read my old posts, I talked about getting out of my dark hole years ago. Yesterday was one of the lowest point of my life and what triggered it was just a simple task and a like from my my day...from the person who.. well.. Then nagsunod sunod na...Pao & I had a fight, I became so stressed w/everything I wanted to end my life right there and then. Ganun lang. To those people who don't understand, depression or ptsd is not as simple as "arte" lang. Sometimes, even the smallest thing can trigger it and ang hirap nya labanan. I was scared w/my actions yesterday I was surprised I was able to finish my shift. I think working from home helped...I didnt need to face other people and I can lock myself in our home office.

Yesterday, sa sobrang blangko ng utak ko, I went to the other room and grabbed my scissors. I was looking for my cutter w/c I normally put sa tabi ng mga paint brushes ko pero for some reason wala dun. Pao was in our sala, nagpapalamig and I felt so alone so naghanap ako ng something to hold. I wanted to harm myself. Nung hawak ko na yung scissors na alam kong matalas kasi I only use it for my hair, di sya makasugat kahit ilang beses ko gawin. All that's left right now are scars na parang gasgas.

 I was waiting for my arms to bleed. Then I locked myself in our room, I prayed.. I was asking myself why I loved the thought of hurting myself. Siops was knocking outside but I know he can see me and what Im doing through the cctv na nakalagay sa dresser namin. I prayed.. sabi ko "Lord, alam kong ayaw mo to. Everytime na papasok to sa isip ko pls help me. Like today, give me a sign. Tulad nung mapurol na gunting..pls try to stop me and help me move on"

I was so disappointed w/myself. I've been working hard pero tulad nga nung sabi nung psych, talagang may relapses but what's important is tina try mo ayusin ulit. And I am so sorry, self. I failed you again.

Pao sent a msg to my boss asking for a time off for me...I appreciated that. Ty,love.I am constantly speaking w/someone for couselling. I know I needed help since I am sad, depressed all the time. The thing about PTSD is di sya nawawala agad no matter how many years has passed. IT WOULD REALLY HAUNT YOU. Kelangan talaga na strong ka and support system mo to be able to get over it. I remember telling my cousellor “ tong nangyare sakin? why won’t it go away? I want to move on. I want to get over it for my family. I dont want to end up like them. (like kate spade etc) “ and she said na its okay to ask for help when you know you need one. Di lahat strong lagi. With the knd of past i had, di sya ganun kadali. I get easily affected sa mga news, posts ,rape/harrassment jokes, na nakikita ko. I am posting this kasi I want people to understand na it really takes time. hindi dahil nangyari sya 20 something years ago e makakalimutan mo na agad. Kaya nga trauma e. I have forgiven them, but I think ang di ko pa napapatwad is yung sarili ko and that’s what Im currently working on. I blame myself for not speaking up agad. I couldve prevented it from happening ng paulit ulit. But sabi nga sakin, that probably, at that time yun yung mas hiningi nung time na yun. I was so young, I didn’t know what to do or how to ask for help. All I did was to try and fight and stop it from happening. Why me diba? pero syempre diko din naman gugustuin na sa iba pa to mangyari. 

Hay. Anyway, this post is too long. I just want to throw my emotions away and detach myself from it. Like what Morrie  in tuesdays w/morrie said. 

Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. “Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent.” 

Pag nakita nyo ko, hug nyo ako ha! 

and dear self, 

Kaya mo yan. wala kang choice. <3

dear God, 

Thank you.