#it always coincides with [redacted] so I do everything I can to prevent [redacted]

[vreemd]

life will be good and then boom psychotic episode

[brightly-painted-canvas]

Hi! I've noticed you wrote rami and joe being roommates in one italian joe fic and i love the idea!!!! Do you mind sharing maybe more hcs?

Hi! Sorry for being so late >.(since I couldn’t finish today and tomorrow’s entries for the Sledgefu week, I figured I could at least reply to your request that was sitting for some time in my ask box)(it still took some time to write ‘cause I tend to get a lot invested in these things… hope you don’t mind!)

It all starts because Rami has to move to NYC to film Mr Robot and the flat he had decided to rent for the first months in the city is suddenly no more available (for an unlucky coincidence of bad maintenance from the previous owners, delay on reparation works from the current owner and Rami’s lack of time to get directly involved in these matters) and he has to ask to his New Yorker friends for a place to crash, promising it would be only for the time it takes for his flat to get fixed

of course Joe is the first friend to reply and the most enthusiastic one because he’s like that and he’s always there to lend a hand

of course (2) Rami’s own flat’s works get delayed over and over again and at the end he’s finishing shooting S1 of Mr Robot and he’s still living with Joe (and loving the shit out of their shared routine)

since the first week of their cohabitation, Joe has Rami saved under ‘Roomie Malek’ on his phone (and finds it hilarious, thank you very much)

he steals Rami’s phone at some point and saves himself as ‘Joe Roommazello’ (also hilarious, he’s born to make great puns)

Rami never changes that for some reason (reasons different than his inability with technology I know how to make my phone work Joe fuck right off)

problems with Rami’s real inability with technology start manifesting when Joe, who at that moment is a 30 years old single and ready to mingle boi, realises it’s impossible to successfully end a date with Rami as a roommate, since he doesn’t check his phone EVER and he always misses Joe’s texts about needing the house for himself until at least 11 pm

the times Rami walks in to Joe and a gal/bloke making out on the couch reaches uncountable amounts very fast

Joe is very uncomfortable and Rami is always apologetic but he simply seems unable to solve these recurrent awkward situations by checking and maybe replying to Joe’s desperate texts and phone calls

Joe tries to find a remedy by buying a large whiteboard he hangs on the kitchen’s wall. He divides it in seven sections for the seven days of the week and then instruct Rami to use a red marker while he uses a blue one

the whiteboard is to keep tracks of their schedules so that everyday they know what they have to do and at what hour they should be expected home without having to call the other’s manager

it starts off pretty well but then it becomes so convenient that they begin to leave messages on each other’s daily space, written in their marker colour but in opposite handwritings (‘remember to buy milk’ ‘I’m lactose intolerant’ ‘from Rami to Rami: remember to buy milk’ - underlined - ‘from Joe to Joe: remember to buy regular milk for Rami and soy milk for you’ ‘trip to LA in one week’ ‘I’m gonna miss you’ ‘you’re coming with me’ ‘oh right I forgot’ ‘this is what the board’s for’, etc.)

(a third marker is added to the board. It’s green and it means things they do together)

(it’s still impossible to prevent Rami to catch Joe in compromising positions with his dates because even writing ‘DATE NIGHT’ - underlined - on the board doesn’t mean Rami’s sleepy and tired mind after a full day on set is going to remember that he needs to give Joe his private time at home before he can have dinner, take a shower and fall into bed)

(trying to have sex while Rami’s eating cereal in the kitchen is an absolutely miserable experience, Joe finds out)

Joe stops dating altogether at some points. It saves him the stress to try and find a date and getting ready and spending lots of money for nothing. Moreover, his evenings are already plenty of fun with his and Rami’s late dinners and movie nights and script readings and scene rehearsing and lazy cuddles on the couch

cuddles are a must in their house, by the way. It’s written in their Roommates Contract which they never actually redacted but they quote from all the time since they rewatched S1 of TBBT together (‘before the show turned to shit’ ‘please don’t say that in public’). They’re both very tactile, affectionate men and they really really don’t care about any toxic masculinity crap, especially in the privacy of their own home

they mostly cuddle in the evening on the couch under a blanket (watching old movies they both love like ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ which is Joe’s favourite and always makes him cry a bit at the end) or on Joe’s bed when Rami comes home very late from set and really needs a hug before going to bed. Joe is always willing to hug someone in distress, even if that requires being woken up at 2 am with a armful of yawning Rami Malek complaining about skipping dinner and feeling NY’s freezing winter weather into his very bones

(Joe hugs him closes and then gets up to make him a ham sandwich while Rami takes a boiling hot shower)

Rami doesn’t date. There are multiple reasons why, but mostly it’s because he’s too busy with filming his first leading role in a tv show and because he’s not one for one night stands so he prefers skipping the dating process altogether while he’s too into his job to really make an effort

plus, Joe’s enough of a reassuring, calming presence in his life at the moment. He’s someone Rami can trust wholeheartedly, from that time he calls him from set panicking about forgetting to turn off the stove that morning (to which Joe has to run home and check if that is true and their apartment is on fire - it isn’t -) to that other time he fell sick with the flu and Joe cancelled his plans to take care of him and make sure he didn’t die of dehydration and lack of medications

Joe is also someone who makes Rami laugh and smile and be happy and he does so all the time, effortlessly. It is probably the characteristic that Rami loves the most about Joe, together with his intelligence and his good manners and his profound respect of others

(basically, everything about Joe is nice in Rami’s eyes)

(and it seems everything about Rami is nice in Joe’s eyes too)

because Rami is also enough for Joe. He’s there for the whole writing process of Joe’s directing debut ‘Undrafted’ and when Joe needs help rehearsing or proof reading a scene, he’s willing to sacrifice all his free time to lend a hand. Rami’s presence in Joe’s home is comforting to the point he find it difficult to fall asleep or remembering things like doing the laundry or going grocery shopping when Rami’s back in LA or somewhere promoting Mr Robot because what’s the point?

(Joe doesn’t like to do things alone anymore)

Rami makes Joe feel safe and grounded. Joe has always been a bit of an anxiety-prone person, always fretting about this or that but at the same time incredibly inclined to fall into profound boredom during lulls in activity between jobs. Rami’s presence somehow prevents him to get too caught up in his own mind during busy times and too lazy to function as a regular human being when he’s got nothing to do

it somehow reminds him of when they first met, on the set of The Pacific: Rami had been an anchor for him at that time too, the ‘one who makes it great’ with his hard work and grace under pressure and willingness to always strive for more, better, best. Their great connection and synergy had started back then and never left. This knowledge makes Joe sad sometimes, thinking about all those years in between when they hadn’t been as close, hadn’t kept in touch enough

sometimes they call Martin just to bother him at odd hours (mostly when it’s already late at night in Ireland) and they always invite him to the US to spend some time together, even if they’re all very busy with their works. Some other time they arrange nights out with Noel and Brendan and all those other The Pacific kids they’re still in contact with because they still get along like brothers and New York is the place where all their roads cross at some point or another

members of their families come to visit and arranging sleeping accommodations when the Maleks are over is the most complicated task: they have two bedrooms with queen size beds and a couch that can accomodate one more person, but they always refuse to let Nelly sleep on it and both offer their own bed to Rami’s mom

after hours of offerings and complaints (Italian hospitality having a fitful match with Egyptian proper manners… the Mediterraneans are all stubborn and prideful in their own ways of being good people), she accepts to sleep in Rami’s bed while the twins take Joe’s bed and Joe creates a nest for himself on the couch

(Nelly wakes up early one morning during their stay to find the couch empty and her three boys all asleep on Joe’s bed with Joe’s laptop still open showing its screensaver and Sami curled up against Rami’s back as Rami’s head is on Joe’s shoulder and Joe’s right arm is under Rami’s waist)

(she closes the door quietly and prepare breakfast for the four of them and doesn’t say a thing when they all emerge sleepy and messy from Joe’s bedroom, but she smiles knowingly at Sami when he catches her eyes as they witness Joe and Rami’s perfect coordination in serving each other toasts and coffee with the right amount of milk and sugar without having to say one single word)

when Yasmine comes to visit, she usually stays in a hotel with her fiancée/husband so they only have to worry about dinner and entertainment

when Joe’s sister comes to visit with her family, Rami gets so excited to see Joe’s nephews that he can’t fall asleep the night prior. He loves chatting with Mary and her husband but the kids are an absolute joy to have around: they play board games and watch movies and one time they all go ice skating together and Rami almost tears up when the youngest calls him (albeit accidentally) ‘uncle’ for the first time

soon (too soon) Mr Robot S1 is over and Undrafted is ready to go into production and while they’re very excited for their new projects, they feel like they’re slowly drifting apart and they don’t like it one bit

Rami is conflicted about moving back to LA for the months he has before S2 starts filming and taking his stuff with him to finally free Joe of his presence. He’s got enough time to look for a new place to stay on his own while he’s back living with Sami, but somehow he doesn’t want to proceed with this plan

Joe’s rarely at home enough to sit down and have a serious conversation about it, but at the same time Rami doesn’t think this is a topic they can discuss over the phone so he delays his flight and he delays having to think about it until

one evening Joe comes home tired and stressed out and crushed by the amount of pressure he’s under to make this movie (HIS movie) work

Rami is there to comfort him and force him to eat dinner and have a shower and going to bed and when Joe breaks down crying in his arms sobbing about not being good enough it takes Rami 0.01 seconds to decide to cancel his flight and stop worrying about what’s right and what’s proper because he’s needed HERE RIGHT NOW and he has to stay but most of all he WANTS to stay

he’s never gonna be perfectly sure he’s the right person to do this for Joe, if Joe needs him because he is conveniently already there in his life or if he’s there because he has been good all along (chosen maybe), because they made it work and it’s working perfectly, because somehow they’ve become exactly what the other needs for it to be right

he’s never gonna be sure but they don’t really have to talk about it either because they both wants this and they’re ready to make an effort to make it right and keep it being right

(Rami thinks Joe makes him a better person because he is inherently a good person. Joe thinks Rami makes him a better person because he is inherently a good person)

soon (2) it’s time for Mr Robot S2 and Rami never really went away in the meanwhile, but that’s okay. Joe is editing Undrafted and it’s maybe not going to be the best film ever made but it’s good and Joe likes it (and Rami likes it a lot) and that’s okay. They’re still living together and their families still love coming to visit them and their whiteboard is still full of things to do written in green and that’s okay. Rami stops looking for flats to rent or buy in NYC and that’s absolutely okay

they celebrate one year of being roommates with dinner in a fancy restaurant downtown (Rami’s choice) and a walk in the park and when they get home they watch Netflix on Joe’s bed and Joe says ‘if I’d known the only way for you not to ruin a date night was having a date night with you, I’d asked you out sooner’ and Rami laughs until there are tears in the corner of his eyes

they are (more than) okay.

[anexplanationofunfortunateevents]

little birdies singing everywhere

Did you ever watch a buttoned-up costume drama like Downton Abbey and something happens which is objectively sedate but in context you’re like OH SHIT!!

“White-collar professionals trash-talk employer” and “congressional committees subpoena documents” are not generally the most exciting stories in the world. When those white collar professionals, say, happen to have just left the recently-disbanded Office of the Special Counsel, that’s a different story. 

“Sources close to/familiar with the thinking of” former investigators from special prosecutor Robert Mueller’s team have told major newspapers that Attorney General Barr’s not-a-summary letter to Congress about the case substantially misrepresented their report. They don’t even know why he wrote that not-a-summary, when they so helpfully typed up summaries of their work which he could have released right away. The obvious cover-up we always knew was a cover-up sure looks like a cover-up, this just in at the New York Times.

But think about everything these people knew for the past two years. Think about all the stress they were under and all the heat they were taking. They were hired in part because they can keep their traps shut. (Someone got fired from that office because of shit he said, privately, before the investigation even started.) Now they’re just flying off the handle venting to big-mouth friends who translate their tirades into legalese and then blab to the Washington Post? If that’s the case, whatever happened must be really bad, and this cover-up isn’t going to be successful for long with all those loose cannons rolling around. If it's what it actually looks like – that FBI agents or even prosecutors on the case, including some who are free to talk because they’ve left the Department of Justice but have kept piles of receipts, are not tacitly playing along with Barr’s cover-up by staying quiet and are not going to stand for bad-faith “redactions” turning their work into disinformation – well, also seems potentially dramatic.

Either way, I expect that they, like any other concerned citizen, have or will shortly set up an appointment with the relevant congressional authorities.

Look. You may or may not get a kick out of knowing Individual-1 and his goons are panicked and miserable right now. But don’t let that get in the way of understanding how serious this is. It’s understandably common to compare the Trump-Russia stuff to the Watergate scandal in the 1970s, but I’m not sure that goes far enough. When Nixon tried to hide the most damning evidence against him, he went to the Supreme Court like an adult, which meant people could anticipate some formal decision by an authority. Former and current Department of Justice officials, ten days into a cover-up, making what sure looks like a coordinated effort to get the goods to every reporter they can find feels like a new and extreme level of alarm.

That would be “enough,” if by “enough” you mean “COMPLETELY OFF THE WALL.” It’s not the only story like this. We’re also seeing at least one whistleblower come forward to say that the White House is giving out security clearances to people who are in fact security risks – specifically including Individual-1’s daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner. Most people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about a dry subject like security clearances, but if you do you probably already realized this was happening. But it is absolutely not normal that the people whose job it is to prevent leaks are scared enough to be leaking like this. 

In fact, “dozens” of White House employees have brought concerns to Congress. The top Marine general approved leaks from the Pentagon to show how Trump’s stupid wall would suck resources away from military families. An official at Department of Homeland Security - known primarily for its baby jails - sent out a memo threatening any potential whistleblowers what would happen if they leaked, which of course was promptly leaked.

Understandably, House Democrats have decided they’re done asking for documents and started sending out subpoenas. At the same time, the chair of the House Ways and Means committee has requested six years of tax returns from Individual-1 and several of his businesses. “Request” is a nice way of putting it, but legally, the IRS has to hand it over. (Trump thinks it’s up to him, but he doesn’t actually have the authority to order the IRS to break the law.)*

Along with the stories that are so dry-sounding it’s easy to miss how big a deal they are, there’s also a story which is so gonzo that it’s a little hard to take seriously. A couple of weeks ago, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft got busted in a “massage parlor” in Florida near Mar-a-Lago, Individual-1’s resort club. Turns out the massage parlor’s owner is a) a Republican fundraiser and b) connected to Chinese intelligence. Then last weekend, a Chinese national was arrested for illegally entering Mar-a-Lago, where she appears to have been trying to smuggle in some infected hardware. The implication of the stories I’ve read seems to be that she was trying to get into the club’s completely insecure network. I’m not sure why all that is happening now. It could be that the first arrest got everyone’s attention, so law enforcement and the press started scrutinizing who was going in and out of Mar-a-Lago a little more closely. It could be that the feds were already investigating some intelligence threat in the area and Kraft got caught up in it. It could be something else entirely, or just a total coincidence. In any event, it’s a reminder that the national security risks Trump creates sometimes sound abstract and complicated, but they’re closely related to the sleazy corruption stories that are easier to get your head around.

While congressional Democrats are dealing with all this – which is, again, absolutely bonkers and deserves about 2000% of the time and energy they have – they are also prioritizing the problem of white nationalism and its spread online. None of this is a distraction. It all matters. It is all the same story. And while it sucks, it is not hopeless.

OH, and it might be a while before we know what the last straw was, but the dam seems to have broken at Fox News. (If you get bored of seeing obscenely wealthy fascists humiliated, you can skip to the Cliff’s Notes.)

*Depending on which Opinion-Havers filter into your circles, you might have seen some frustration that it’s taken three months for House Democrats to get to this point, so it’s worth knowing that for demands like this to hold up in court, there has to be a record showing that they legitimately need these documents and that they tried the easy way first.