#it all feels hopeless and terrifying and i dont want to be a burden

[watchfuleyeleans]

you don't know me but it's late and i have a question lol that i don't even know if you can answer but okay. it's just eating at me sort of. I'm of legal age where I'm from already, but I've never kissed anyone, much less done anything else with them. I've just never had an interest in it. in fact it's a little disgusting to me honestly. and I'm not even traumatized or anything, I've just always been like this. do you think someone of that could like, function normally in society? would you find it weird if you had a friend who was just single forever? do you think I'll be lonely when I'm an old man? that kind of terrifies me lol I love having friends, I just really really don't want to have to shift anyone. but it seems like everyone settles down with their one true person someday and I don't know that I'd be able to... it makes me feel hopeless to be honest. apologies for burdening you like that. I just really needed to speak freely I guess. sorry.

hey anon first of all its alright tae vent here, okay. if ye came tae a stranger on the internet im assuming nobody could rly help ye in yer circle so im glad ye at least got tae let oot some pent up shite in here. kudos tae ye

now aboot what ye said, i cant see how not being into romance or sex makes ye not qualified tae live in society?? in a way it could make ye even more powerful like, ye dont have tae worry aboot that part of yer life so ye can focus on yer own goals and hobbies and friendships. sure ppl will eat yer ear oot aboot how ye just haven't found 'the right one' yet and all that but i think thats bullshit like. its just like telling a bi person that its a phase or a gay person that they havent found somebody of the other gender that would be right for them, so overall just fecking shitty.

maybe ye wont settle down with some ~one true person~ but ye will still have yer place with some family and/or pets and/or good friends. all in all just keep being ye and cherishing yer friends (and family in case thats yer thing) and i doubt ye'll be a lonely auld man.

[jpegjade]

Void - Spencer

I’ve weighed whether or not to put this one out there. i’ve spent a day just sitting on it, editing, and rewriting some parts. i decided to put this out there bc i realize that i have friends here who go through the same things i do and it might help them. so to all my friends out there, old, new, or the ones i have yet to meet, i’m sorry we’re in this but i’m happy we’re in this together. 

Warnings: Okay so i will say this now and i mean it: if you are struggling with depression and feel uncomfortable during any point in this fic, do. not. read. the. rest. i tried to scale back a little bit bc i wrote it when i was having a really bad time (and probably still having that time rn lmao) so i didn’t include details and it’s a little bit ambiguous but it’s dealing with a hard topic: hopelessness and suicidal ideation. like i said, nothing graphic and no details but it is suggestive and real. so no fluff. 

__________________

The world is such a dark fucking place. There’s nothing good in the world. There’s nothing good for you to experience anymore. The world was a dark, tar colored hell. 

Nothing brought you joy. You could fake it so well on the surface, pretending the world was in color for you. The only colors you experienced were void of emotion, void of feeling, just void. The world around you was void of joy, happiness. There was nothing you wanted more than to escape. Any version of a sweet release would be perfectly fine. Something that you could deal with, some way to deal with the world. 

“Hey.” Spencer said, bringing you out of your thought bubble haze. He walked through the door, gripping his satchel.

“Hmm? Hey baby.” You plastered a fake smile on your face just for him. 

Spencer knew you were going through a rough time but he didn’t know exactly how bad it was. He didn’t know you had written notes for each of your family members and Spencer. He didn’t know that you thought about the easiest way to go, what required the most courage and the least amount of energy. He didn’t know you were scared to leave. 

“You look tired. Have you had a nap today?” He said, leaning down to give you a kiss on the cheek. 

“No, I’m okay. Just tired in general, I guess.” You said, watching him put his bag down. 

He came over to sit next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to him. He smelled like fall. You wondered if you would miss that, if you would miss him. Would you miss anything?

“Well, maybe we can relax together? Take a nap, watch a movie?” He looked down at you, stone faced as ever. 

“Yeah, maybe.” You said, staring off into the distance. Everything seemed to be off in the distance for you, all of it. The future, the past, now. It all seemed so far away from you. The world seemed so far away from you. 

“Are you okay? You don’t seem like you’re all the way here.” Spencer said, kissing the top of your head. 

“I’m just tired. Maybe I will take that nap with you.” You put on another fake smile, getting up to get something to drink from the kitchen. Everything was so exhausting, even Spencer. 

You hated that you felt that way. You loved Spencer with every part of you, you never wanted to let him go. But you just wanted to take off, go somewhere, escape. That’s all you thought about: escaping. 

“Hey, y/n? I’m going to get changed out of these clothes.” Spencer called, hoping you heard him. In one ear and out the other, just like everything else he said lately. 

You always felt so bad when it came to Spencer. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t deserve to go through this. You didn’t want him to deal with you anymore but any time you brought it up to him, he promised you weren’t a burden. He always promised you weren’t a burden but you knew, deep down, that he was lying. He was lying to you in exchange for your lies to him, pretending you’re happy when you’re miserable. The two of you were lying to each other and to yourselves. He knew you weren’t okay but wanted to believe otherwise. You knew Spencer was attached to you but you pretended he was detached from your relationship. 

“Baby? Come lay with me?” Spencer called, being needy. You loved when he was needy when you felt well. When you were feeling good, you loved the fact that he was open to show a type of emotion, even after all he went through. 

“Only for a little while.” You called back, downing half a glass of water really quickly. 

You climbed into bed, curling into his lap in bed. He liked when he could hold you just as much as he liked being held. You sat there silently, annoyed with the fact that anyone was touching you right now. All you wanted was to disappear. 

“Can we talk?” Spencer mumbled. 

“Yeah, sure.” You really did try to sound upbeat but in the end, you weren’t able to do it. 

“How are you really doing? And please don’t lie... “ Spencer said, sighing. 

“Spence…” You just wanted everything to go away, just like this conversation. 

“Look, I know I can’t fix this. I have been looking for ways to make this better for you because you are suffering and I see it every day. I can’t… I don’t know how to stop it and I’m scared that you’re going to do something that I really can’t fix.” He said, slowly. 

“There’s no way to stop this.” You said, flatly. “You can’t stop it and neither can I. I’m beyond help. The meds don’t work. The therapy doesn’t work. The coping mechanisms dont fucking work and I’m so damn tired.” You said all that without emotion and it scared Spencer. 

These days, you scared Spencer more than any murderer did. His greatest fear was losing you and he fought to keep his head straight because he knew he had you. All this time, he knew he had you and it was terrifying him to think that you could be gone today, tomorrow, the day after that and he couldn’t do a thing to stop it. Could he?

“You can’t leave… Not like this…” Spencer said, trying to rack his brain of different responses that might help you. He couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t selfish, on his part. 

Everything he had to say was selfish. It was all about how he didn’t want you to go, how he would feel, how he would be affected when you were gone. Everything he thought of was about him and that frustrated him. He just wanted to help you, not try to guilt you into anything by making it about how he feels but… 

“Spencer, there’s no point. Okay? There’s no point in going through the motions anymore. I am in so much pain on the inside, nothing fills it. I am so tired. I feel alone constantly. I feel like there’s nothing left for me here. I am broken. I am broken. I am broken.” You started crying but you weren’t sure why. 

Spencer just pulled you close to him, feeling your body shaking. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or sadness or if you were just cold but your body wasn’t still. 

You tried to get up, get away from him, run, but he held you tighter. You just wanted to get out of that room, get out of your skin, get out of existence but Spencer wouldn’t let you. He just held you close and rubbed your back. 

“I can’t make you stay. I can’t give you this fake positivity. I won’t guilt you into staying. If you want to do this, it’s ultimately up to you. But what I can do is tell you that I love you. I loved you when I got to know you. I love you now. I will love you no matter what you decide to do.” Spencer said. He sounded so fragile, like he was going to break at any moment. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Spence.” You said, numbly. “All I know is that I can’t live like this. I can’t survive like this. I wasn’t built to survive this and I’m so scared of what comes next…” 

There was a silence and you heard Spencer sniffle. He was truly at a loss for words. How could he miss that it was this bad? He was a profiler. He knew that everyone had an end game but he couldn’t tell if your endgame was leaving him or not, leaving this world or not. So he just sniffled and stayed quiet, trying to hold everything back. 

“Spencer?” 

“Hmm?” He responded, nervous. 

“What’s the easiest way to go? I’ve done research but… I wanted to ask my smartass boyfriend.” You chuckled and it turned sour. It wasn’t funny but it was a reflex. 

“Can we please not talk about this? I want to help you get better. I want to use all my energy trying to figure out how to help you feel like living is worth it. I don’t want to think about finding you…” Spencer’s voice caught in his throat. 

“Would you miss me?” You whispered, staring blankly at the wall feet in front of you. 

“Y/n…” Spencer paused. Your automatic thought was that he was going to pull bullshit out of his ass so you could feel better. You sighed, prepared for something generic. 

“You don’t realize the effect you have on people, on me. The world is so dark to you because you are a beacon of light. You are the lighthouse in everyone’s storm. That’s why everyone comes to you, looking for hope. You are a shining light and everyone sees it but you. Your world is dark because you look out and see nothing but the darkness, nothing but the storm.” 

Spencer’s breath wavered and you felt his thumb start moving across your thigh. He was nervous and fidgety, hoping he said the right words. 

“I miss you every moment I leave for work. I miss you on trips. I miss you at the office. I miss you whenever you’re not holding my hand. I miss you when you’re at work, when you can’t talk to me. I miss you. So yes, I would miss you if you weren’t here for me to come home to. And I know that might be comforting for a moment but at the end of the day, it’s not about me. It has never been about me. This is about whether or not you have the will to stay, whether or not you want to be here.” Spencer’s heart raced. 

“I guess you’re right.” You said, growing tired. You had a lot to think about.

[bastardguy]

(haha there's very icky thoughts in this so don't read if it triggers ye, if anyone's reading this lmao) boy! it's one of those nights ain't it haha. ultrasadness. i dont have people to talk to which, yknow i feel like a lot of people don't have others to talk to. but anyways! i am sad! f! the most annoying aspect of myself i dislike is how one moment im daydreaming because hehe escapism and dont wanna talking to people at all then the, next moment im unbearably sad and i wanna! have friends that aren't people from my imagination. it's my fault, yep, its allll my fault, im not even trying to be sarcastic here, i know i should actively seek out people to be friends with them but!! im in my element to run around pretending i made fucking animations for my friend group that also exists! totally! it makes me feel great and content until i realise its not real! god am i pathetic haha! how do i improve ? how? why am i like this? is it because my brain views my escapism as safer and more wondrous then reality? to the po in t talking to people just? bore me? it's weird as hell, im probably just a selfish git but i genuinely look at chats and either go "conversation going,, i no want join cause rude" or "there's no point they're all so boring. being alive is boring. your life, your personality, you as a person is boring. that's why he left. he left for someone else he already had plans with, someone who he can actually see regularly in person in the future, someone who makes him happy. you never made him happy. he was miserable being stuck with you, that's why he left, that's why he immediately got into another relationship with someone else. you're why he lied to you, you're the problem, he hates you, you were an abusive fuck who couldn't keep his mouth shut and never changed. he's going to spend years being happy with someone and he's glad he's left you. he hates you. he hates you. he hates you. he hates you. you're the problem. don't ever try again, you don't have thr privlage to die, not yet. wait until everyone's finally tired of your manuplitive, selfish shit then kill yourself. die. just fucking die. just die. no one will stay loving you, you'll be forgotten, why did you say so much? you're fucking obsessive and its all your fault. you existing in the first place was a mistake, when have you ever brought joy to people? when had anyone be glad that you're here? you're better off dead, you're better off dead. you know if she had the choice mother would pick a normal person as a child in a heartbeat. you know if she knew you were going to turn out this way she would have fucking killed you herself because you've been nothing a burden. she'll leave, just like he left and everyone else did. so what if you just followed along with everything they were saying? you should've been smart enough not to be a dick you asshole. anyone that comes into your life will leave, everyone will leave, everyone is going to leave. even thinking about this you're cementing it, it's going to happen because you're thinking so hard about it. all bad things happen to you because you think about them. it's your fault. every bad thing that happens is your fault, you deserve all the slander that will come to you, you will die alone. you will die alone. no one will miss you, you've had a sad pathetic lonely life being unwanted. and it's all your fault. suffer. suffer. suffer. suffer. suffer. suffer. you ungrateful, selfish bastard-" and its very unpog i dont like my brain.

i wish i could find life enjoyable again, i wish i liked talking to multiple people, i wish i had multiple people to talk to. i wish i, didn't have these fucking attachment and abandonment issues that just make me terrified of being close with someone again. i think i have rejection sensitive dysphoria and oh! boy! MM. an internal conflict of "do i have adhd or is it just my anxiety and life long loneliness" had been going on in my brain. because if i had adhd i think thatd explain, a lot actually uYubun, but also those symptoms could stem from uhh, childhood issues and stuff pfft. like id be socially withdrawn and daydream a lot, to the point where i avoided playing with other kids just so i could walk around the yard to think about stuff, which are symptoms of adhd but also it's because "brain got lowkey traumatised being neglected on a plane for so long as a baby without its mother then just got whipped around the country serveral times giving me 0 safe secure places." i, i don't know man. that's a lot i have to talk with my therapist in like half an hour haha.

wow i talk about my problems too much this is why he left me 😩

a ok uhm, uh, yea! im very lonely haha. there's like, a person who i could chat with but i dont want to bother them. they're a good friend but they've been busy and i feel like im highkey using them. which is not pog at all! im not fun to talk with and im very annoying hahaha!

why are people so untrustworthy. why am i sad? only god knows but im god, so god doesn't know.

i think me despretly trying to talk to someone while im sad is so, utterly selfish and pathetic. i mean come on man why only now? haha.

i mean i did start to emulate a lot of his bad behaviour but! it's ok i know what's bad to do know and ive learnt from this experience and am moving forward.

where does forward lead? i dont know! probably jobless and suicide but hahaha! im not gonna make it past 25 baby! im gonna fall in love with someone then they'll leave forever and ill die!! After my mum gets sick of me!! hahhaha!!!!! im not unstable right now, i don't even wanna die! that'd be so selfish id break my parents! haha! i want someone to love me as much as i love them and to hold them in my arms! i wanna be comfortable with someone! i wanna be held! i want someone who won't cheat on me!! i wanna be loved!! woohooo!!! that's all i want! yknow what else i want? a friend group thats genuinely happy to see me! people i can eat lunch with and laugh with! people that don't make me feel small and pathetic! and why can't i have that? because im a piece of filth that doenst deserve any of it because ive done nothing to earn it! how the fuck do i do stuff! to talk! how do i not feel hopeless and small all the time? no matter what i fucking say im going to be yelled at for not being positive! fuck! fuck. fuck you.

[magioftheseas]

Day 1 - Reserve

Written for @the-hinata-project 

Prompt: Reserve Course Student Hinata

Rating: G

Warnings: Lowkey manipulation and insecurity, but other than that, not much.

Notes: Alright, so I’m still in the middle of these, but like... Here’s the first one! They’re all going to be pretty short, around 2K but I’m gonna do my best to finish all of them so wish me luck...! And this first fic is gen. No ships. Next ones won’t be so gen. It’s also pre-HPA. Kind of.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

The last wish he made on New Year’s was a simple one.

I want to get into Hope’s Peak.

But of course that  would never happen.

“Can’t you dream more realistically, Hajime? Do you have any idea how expensive Hope’s Peak actually is? We can’t afford that.”

“I... I know that, but...”

“If you know then why are you burdening us with this? Please. Just think about other people besides yourself for once.”

“...sorry.”

His mother sighs, but ruffles his hair in a show of affection.

“You current high school isn’t so bad, right? You can make good friends here, and it’s a fine school.”

“I guess it’s...decent,” he mumbles.

“Just don’t even worry about Hope’s Peak anymore,” she tells him. “It’s impossible, and it can’t be helped. Keep your chin up. Okay?”

“...fine...”

Because he knew, after all, that she had a point. They couldn’t afford it. And he wasn’t talented. It was a pipe dream to attend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Still...

--

For his birthday, he was given a new laptop to replace the old. It was a fairly recent model. Pretty expensive. Likely compensation. He can’t say he didn’t like it.

He wasn’t ungrateful. He doesn’t think so.

It’s just that I admire Hope’s Peak more than anything.

So much so that he finds himself on the forums first thing.

>Does anyone have any idea who’s going to be in the upcoming batch?

>They haven’t finished scouting, right? Oh, but I just saw on the news that an actual princess was accepted! Hope’s Peak really can get in anyone!

>Wow, actual royalty?!

>There’s this photographer I follow. She’s getting in, too, I’m pretty sure.

>I just saw Saionji Hiyoko-san’s performance last week. I’m positive she’s getting in.

>I’m more interested in the princess. Can you imagine how lucky it would be to meet an actual princess?

>>They’ll be running the lottery in a month or so. What I would give to have more of a chance...

>Wow, they’re doing that again?

>With how much getting into the reserve course costs, you probably have a better chance with the lottery...

>But if you win the lottery, you’re actually considered talented. Reserves are just...y’know, reserves.

>But you’ll get to meet the princess, potentially. I think the money’s worth it, even if all I can do is steal a glance!

>Still... Seems so lame that you can just pay your way in...

>But brand name recognition is pretty powerful...

>>I heard you can actually get into the main course from the reserve course if you do well enough.

>No way! That’s a pipe dream! Maybe if you paid like, twice as much!

>Must be nice to be rich, huh...

Hinata stares, wondering what to type, but also letting the thoughts swirl around in his head.

>>I would do anything to get into Hope’s Peak. But my family just can’t afford that.

>Yeah, mine neither. Who actually can?

>You’d be surprised... They’re getting a lot of enrollments.

>You can’t like...get a scholarship or anything? It’s not like you need to go to college after attending Hope’s Peak.

>Well the golden gates can’t open that wide, I suppose...

>It’s for the best. If just about anyone could get in, it wouldn’t be that special.

Hinata bites his lip, picking at the peeling skin with his teeth.

>>Still. I want to get in more than anything.

>If you aren’t talented, it can’t be helped.

>>I would give anything.

>Pffft. No kidding. I’d give an arm and a leg, probably.

>>I would give anything.

>A lot of people would.

>You’re like a super fan, huh. Well, I am, too, but still...

>>Getting into Hope’s Peak has always been my dream.

>Everyone wants to be special, man.

>But if everyone was special then no one would be special.

>It can’t be helped. You’re either born talented or you aren’t.

>Right?! I must have spent hours drawing but there was always that one person I could just never compare to. It’s hopeless!

>You shouldn’t say hopeless on the Hope’s Peak forums!

>Haha, sorry!

>>I’ve never been talented. There’s not one thing I’m particularly good at.

>Normie...

>>But I want to get into Hope’s Peak Academy... More than anything.

>Give it up. For your own good. Wishing for the impossible isn’t healthy.

>Hey, don’t tell him that! What if he ends up winning the lottery?

>Yeah, right!

>>I’m not particularly lucky, either.

>Luck’s not a talent anyway.

>Are you sure? I’ve known people who get ridiculously lucky while gambling...

>If they gamble too much, that luck’s bound to run out. And I bet they’re not that lucky, they just brag a lot.

>That might be true... Still it would be nice just to get into Hope’s Peak by chance...

>Whoever wins that lottery probably is ridiculously lucky considering how many people are participating. We’re talking like, every high school student in their first year in the country.

>Sucks to be other countries, huh.

>Maybe someday but for now, I like not having that much competition.

>Still a ridiculous amount competing...

>I bet it’ll be someone who can afford the reserve course if they haven’t already enrolled.

>No fair! That kind of thing should disqualify you immediately!

>>I just...want to get in...

>Yeah we all do. But it’s impossible.

>Impossible.

>Totally impossible.

>Pigs will fly first.

>I heard some Ultimates actually can make some crazy shit. We might see flying pigs pretty soon.

>That’s terrifying.

>>I just want to get in.

>You should get offline.

He should. He really, really should.

Is it really impossible?

“Of course it is,” he can practically hear them murmur. “Not only are you untalented, you can’t afford it! And you’re going to win the lottery, either!”

Hinata buries his face into his hands, shuddering.

I just... I just...

--

To his surprise, he later receives a DM. Shivering, he clicks it open.

>Would you really do anything for Hope’s Peak?

He doesn’t recognize the name of the sender but...it looks official.

>>Yes. Of course. Why?

>There actually is a program you can sign up for that will get you in without having to pay a coin.

Hinata blinked once. Twice.

It’s way too good to be true.

But he’s desperate. Beyond desperate.

>>What is this program? How can I sign up?

>Here’s the information.

--

What he’s about to do is how people get themselves abducted, he’s pretty sure. But right now, he’s desperate and... If it really was someone associated with Hope’s Peak, how bad can it be? What’s the worse than can happen?

I already have no chance getting in. I know that... But...

His heart was pounding as he took the train. He stared out the window, at HPA’s towering buildings in the distance, getting closer and closer, and he sucks in his breath.

It’s so shining that it hurts to look at.

Shining like a dream...

--

“Ah, Hinata-kun, you made it after all. So you have the necessary information?”

“Uh... Yes...” Truth be told, he didn’t understand most of it. There were a lot of words that were hard to read and pretty...advanced. “I just...well you said you couldn’t explain everything in just files, so...”

The other looked pretty professional. Sharply dressed and smiling in a way that at least seemed pretty welcoming. But...still pretty intimidating, considering the circumstances. Hinata ducked his head, feeling rather flustered.

“Yes, it’s meant to be kept very tightly under wraps, you see,” they laugh. “I need to assure confidentiality before explaining, Hinata-kun. Surely you understand.”

That’s...weird.

But it made his blood thrum with excitement to be a part of.

“I... Y-Yes, of course. Absolutely... Of course...”

“Sign this form, then, promising that.”

“O-Of course...!”

He scribbles down his signature without a second thought. The other smiled more, pleased. Hinata squirmed in his seat, and tried to keep his posture straight.

With that, the other sat across from him, polite and yet...expectant.

Ah... Hah...

“So you’re willing to do anything for this school,” they say, voice almost light but also dense with significance. “Might I ask why?”

“It’s...as I said on the forums,” Hinata mumbles, fiddling with his tie. Even dressed professionally for this would-be interview, he feels underdressed. “I’ve always admired this school. Always. It’s always been my dream to...to go there...”

The other nods, expression unchanged.

“And why do you wish so badly to go there, despite not having a talent that can be cultivated?”

Hinata flinched.

“T-That’s...! I...” He hesitates, but he soon finds the words just spilling out. “I just want to be someone I can be proud of. Someone who can stand tall. Be confident. Be significant. Isn’t that what I deserve?”

“Isn’t that what everyone deserves?”

Hinata’s nails dig into his palms.

“I admire Hope’s Peak...more than anyone. I will give whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.” His teeth grit. “Whatever it takes... W-Whatever it takes...!”

Even though I know it’s selfish and impossible, I just...!

He just wanted to be someone. Someone other than...this.

Unimportant. Unremarkable. A faceless, meaningless part of the mass. The idea of being consumed by mediocrity and insignificance for the rest of his life, never to matter, never to even be remembered, just to disappear, just like he never even existed—

“I’ll do...w-whatever...it takes...” He’s shaking, eyes wide and crazed. “Whatever it takes... Whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.”

“Ah. I see.” An easy smile. And yet, the atmosphere felt so heavy that it was near suffocating. “Very well then, Hinata-kun. That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for.”

Hinata lit up.

“R-Really?” He dares to let hope slip into his tone. “D-Do you really mean it?”

A nod.

“Hinata-kun... If you could be reborn from the faceless body of a miserable nobody into the world’s hope... Would you?”

“That...sounds too good to be true...” His heart really was racing, but he was flushed with excitement. “But... Y-Yeah... I... Of course...”

“Then, allow me to tell you about how that can be possible. If you agree, you’ll be accepted into the school, free of charge, no talent necessary. In fact, it’s even essential that you be talentless.”

I...don’t understand.

He doesn’t understand but it just sounds so incredible that he can’t help but be swayed.

“...tell me.”

“Very well.”

A folder of files is placed before him. They look too important to grasp. And the stamped out letters of CONFIDENTIAL stare back into his wide-eyed, shimmering gaze.

Fingers trembling, Hinata actually slices his finger open as he flips it open.

He doesn’t even feel the sting, as engrossed as he is in the text.

“I...”

The words swirl around in his head, over and over until he drowns in them.

“Do you need time to think about it?” the other asks him kindly. So kindly that Hinata is struck cold. “Tell you what... You can still get into the reserve course. You don’t have to say yes right away, and the deadline will be in a few months from now. You can attend classes here until then...and then make your decision on whether or not you’re willing to stay. Okay?”

“I... O-Okay.” Hinata swallows. “That’s... I’m okay with that.”

I said I’d do anything. And I do...want to do anything. But...

His hands are shaking while still gripping the files.

I can’t...let this chance slip by...even if it’s something like this. This is everything I ever wanted. Why am I even hesitating?

“It’s alright,” the other says reassuringly, taking the files away with ease. “Hinata-kun, I know you’ll make the best decision for yourself.”

For...myself. Myself...

“I...yes.”

“I’ll have them send in your acceptance letter and uniform.” His hand is shook, the grip warm and calloused. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Hinata-kun.”

“A-A pleasure... Yeah.”

Just like that, Hinata was stumbling out of Hope’s Peak, trembling and falling to pieces with every shaky step.

I have to do it, he can’t help but think. I have to do it, for...for myself...

This was going to be the year his life changed irreparably. He was sure of it.

[calamitydarkbloom]

Dear Diary

i just realized how little important people to me care about me

or that they dont care at all

why cant anyone hear me

someone please help me

i need help

i dont deserve help

i want to be loved but im not worth loving

i wish i were eligible��for assisted sewer slide

i dont want to live but i dont want to die

im scared

im alone 

i dont deserve what i want and need

1 doesn’t care about me at all beyond physical needs, the bare minimum. They only care about themselves and call me selfish for mentioning anything about me, funny how difficult it is for me to do that. thanks for making it even harder, yet impossible. im terrified of expressing myself in every way possible. not only do they not care, but they get mad at me for it. im selfish. im horrible. im a failure. it’s not fair. they ignore all the signs and they’ll continue to do that until it’s too late. i need help. 

even 1 doesn’t care...

2 cares but hates when people talk about themselves which is fine, i dont mind. they dont know how to respond anyway. and i dont feel close enough in that way. im a burden. 2 doesnt even want me in their life anymore... i wonder why. they added them to their sp. fuck. why is it never me. theyre having them over. i. they stopped caring about me. no one cares. why would they. 

3 cares but doesnt want to deal with me. they dont even want to talk to me, they’re probably done with my bs.. im burdening them a lot. i wish they could just talk to me but they dont want to anymore. they probably found better ones anyway. they’re probably secretly judging me and hating me. maybe trying to slowly lose contact. im not surprised. there’s nothing good about me anyway. they hate me. they see my pain. my cries. my inner screams. but say nothing. nothing matters. 

i keep pushing everyone away

ive lost myself completely

im hopeless

im scared

there’s no going back

please help me

everyone hates me

im a bad person

i dont deserve help or to be cared for

im scared and alone

no one cares

[muffled-screaming-inside-blog]

I am Not doing Well

It’s 3 am and I’ve been on tumblr for a few hours bc its made me smile. Havent been on in a while.at first i thought oh i should get on here more but its like its all the same. everything i do is just a bried distraction. I have been depressed for a while. Ive had depression for over half a decade, but the last couple months have gotten bad. every time i start getting to where im getting my footing back something happens. the tuesday before thankgiving was the second time i seriously thought about killing myself. what saved my life is i was too drunk to move. hahaha classic me.What got me to that point is having someone who i thought loved me and cared about me callously hurt me for the final time. I cant even trust when someone says they love me anymore. before the last bloke, that person eventually admitted they never loved me and only was with me bc they were scared and lonely. I’m endlessly self destructive and self sabotaging and idk how much I can take it anymore. I’m gradyually changing parts of my life to try and feel happy again, but its like im always on the aegde of suicidal depression. on almost a daily basis i have that thought of i just want to be dead. I’m scared. I know my brain, and I know if my mental state is in the red too long or too deep ill do it. I lost my dream job as a writer, over giving them too many emails to contact me with by accident. all my plans just about hinged on me getting that job. I thought I had it for a month. I put so much time and effort and mental stress into it and right before I had it, right before i got the introductory emails i fucked it up. I fucked up my car too, ran it too hot and  and its costing me 770 to fix the head gasket and i have no transpot. I feel like im slowly poisoning my relationship. I’m way too clingy.he lives over an hour away and our dates were sparse when he first said he loved me and i coudlnt believe it then and now we see more of each other im afraifd hell figure out im a worthless asshole. i spoend every day with me and i fucking hate myself. im supposed to be a writer, thats what i want to do with my life but im not fucking writing.  i feel so useless. And my drinkings getting worse. I just want to be numb all the time. I cant even go a day without a drink. and ive started being more reckless with my drug use, doing opiates while drinking. I know it could kill me adn part of me is disappointed it didnt. im always sad, always tired, i feel like a burden and i dont want to talk to my boyfriend about all tis because hes got his own shit going on and i dont want to make his day worse by worrying him and i dont want to freak my best firend  out bc i know she doesnt deal with this shit well. i keep telling myself im going to make it through this year if it kills me, i keep listening to that song but idk if i will. i havent done enough or said enough to die yet, but it feels like i wouldnt have anything to say anyway. im a college drop oyt. I couldnt take the pressure of two jobs and college. I had a full scholarship, the best in the state. what the fuck is wrong with me im such an idiot. i chose keeping two min wage jobs i hate over an education. and that opportunity is over i alwreadty fucked that up  beyond repair.  i did it bc my family is bankrupt and im terrified of being broke. im scared of being limited. its a freedom thing, i have to express my agency or i feel trapped and i cant live like that. but i fucked up and backed myself into a corner. now i actually am trapped without any prospects. i couldve easily gotten my english degree and became a writer from there, or done just college and wrote during, but now im fucked im fucked im fucked im always tired, too tired to try and write or try and find a way to make money writing. i feel hopeless and i all i want to do sometimes is give up.  i really do with i could just give up and be dne with all of this. not just the circumstances but my fucking brain. the mood swings the depression the anxiety, how easily tipped off i am. ive been planning to move far away, states maybe even countries but the terrifying truth is that no matter where i go or what ill do ill still be me, ill still have to deal with me, and im a useless, drunken, depressed wreck of a person, i just want to sleep drink smoke whatever to numb myself and escape my waking like. I hate working like i do but im out of options, i fucked myself over. i almost forgot, on top of my mind being broke my body is bad as well, im in costant pain, i have bad knees which no doctor can explain, i have bad joints in general and im weak af. whatever. i just had to get that off my chest. thanks for listening i guess

[raiseveganus]

Coping With Mental Health Issues- Ask for Help Even If You Don’t Feel Like

Mental health issues have plagued my family for years. Let alone coping with mental health issues, nobody even wants to talk about it. It’s isolating, shameful, and very much a taboo subject. I hid my depression and anxiety from my family for years. I thought that I was just a sad, lazy person who just sucked at life. I’d no idea that I was suffering from an actual illness. I wasn’t the only member of my family who struggled, but I was the one who survived. This piece is pretty scary for me to write, not many people know about this dark time. I’m writing this in the hopes that I can convince even just one person to ask for help. Coping with mental health issues isn’t impossible. You can and you will, just ask for help.

By Vasilyev Alexandr/shutterstock

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Coping With Mental Health Issues

Twenty years ago, my cousin took his own life at the age of nineteen. He had battled drug addiction and depression for years. It wasn’t really talked about outside of the family, we all knew he had a huge problem but no one knew how to help him. There just weren’t the resources back then. There were doctor visits and family interventions, but none of it seemed to help him. Four days after I moved to the United States, I received the phone call that I’d been dreading for the longest time. My mom didn’t even have to get the words out, I just knew what she was going to say. It was absolutely devastating for us all.

I’ve had my own issues with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. There were weeks where I couldn’t get out of bed, days where I wouldn’t shower or get dressed. I’d have the highest highs, thinking to myself ‘life is great, I’ve never been happier’, but in the back of my head there was always a voice telling me that the darkness would soon take over. Sometimes I’d get depressed for no reason, other times, it was some c****y life event that sent me tunneling into despair.

My lowest moment was at a time where my personal life was crumbling before me. My family was shattering right before my eyes. I spent a whole summer paralyzed in my bed, thinking of all the ways that I could just end it all. There were two things that made me fight to stay alive that year, my kids and what my cousins suicide did to my family. As much pain and despair that I was in, I couldn’t put them through that again. The burden my kids would have to live with was stronger than my feeling of being a s****y mother. The fact that I had those feelings was the little glimmer of hope that I needed to get myself some help.

That summer I had been seeing a therapist but I wasn’t completely honest with him all the time. I had this facade of a happy-go-lucky person most of the time, until one day I marched into his office without an appointment and begged him to help me. I hysterically told him of all the dark thoughts I’d been having. He wanted to prescribe me anti-depressants. I told him that I was scared to wait two weeks for the effects of the medications to kick in. I was honestly terrified that I would walk out of his office that day and take my own life. That man saved my life. He called some of my family members and made sure I had a solid support system until the meds started to work. I eventually pulled myself out of the abyss and slowly started to enjoy life again. Six years later I had my daughter and I often look at her and think ‘this is the reason I found the strength to keep going’.

That was a defining moment in my life. It showed me that even at my most hopeless time, I still had some strength. There’s been many more c****y life stuff thrown my way since then and I honestly think going through all of that made me realize just how strong I am. There’s a saying, ‘you’re stronger than you know’, that used to be my mantra. I’ve now altered that saying to, ‘you know how strong you are’. This year I’ve repeated that saying over and over to myself and it helps me to know that no matter how hard things get, I can and will get through it.

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Reach out to someone, anyone. Life is so worth living. Coping with mental health issues is absolutely possible.

And, if you’re still wondering what kind of Christmas gifts to get this year. Pick up six issues of Raise Vegan Magazine for only $29.40!

The post Coping With Mental Health Issues- Ask for Help Even If You Don’t Feel Like appeared first on Raise Vegan.

source https://raisevegan.com/coping-with-mental-health-issues-ask-for-help-even-if-you-dont-feel-like/

[chipsanddespair]

{Go to Part 1} {Go to Part III}

A good man

Youre a good man, David said, But youre too generous for your own good. You let people use you.

Chris couldnt respond because what he wanted to do was scream, No. No you are wrong. You dont see. I am not agood man. But it was no use, it never was. Goodness and generosity. Kindness. How many times had he had to listen to himself described in those terms? Everyone had decided that he was good and kind and they were blind and deaf to anything other than confirmation of his goodness and kindness. His attempts to protest his ordinariness were not so much dismissed as co-opted as proof of his saintliness.

And it wasnt just goodness and kindness. Tell people that he was a lawyer and immediately he was a legal eagle. Tell them he liked to sit down at the piano and he became an accomplished pianist. Try his hand at writing and he became Chris, the Great Writer. Tell them that he was proud of his children and he was branded as the perfect parent.

Was that so bad? He had asked himself many times. Surely, it was better to be thought well of? Some people might consider it ungrateful, arrogant even, to reject the worlds assessment in favour of his own. Anyway, people saw what they wanted to see. If that was what they saw, or thought they saw, was it his problem?

The answer, he knew, was yes. Tempting as the argument was, it ignored the burden that fell on him as a consequence. His whole life until now seemed to have been devoted to propping up the image that people had of him. Because they would not have it any other way, that was the image he had to maintain. He had become, if not the embodiment of a lie, then a character in a play that could not end because the audience would not allow the curtain to fall.

And it had all begun, he was certain, with the dream of making a model to impress his mum and dad and his teacher. A dream made of balsa wood. A simple dream begun with utter confidence but one that proved as hopeless at it was flimsy. But a dream that could not be seen to fail.

*****

There had been no hesitation about the deception once it had formed in his mind. He thought about that much later on in life when he was remembering how it all started. No Jiminy Cricket alighted on his shoulder to give him a ticking off. No miniature Chris in white robes and halo. It was the only solution. He could not meet the expectations he needed them to have of him. He could not let them down by showing them how far short he had fallen. Better to show them nothing. Let them fill in the undrawn canvas. The only question was how. And now, at this distance, fifty years on, he found that, to a degree, he could admire the almost effortless shift in planning from making the perfect model car to creating a perfect lie. Time, and his forty years experience as a servant of politicians, had made him cynical and cynicism had given his thinking nuance, the ability to recognise something as awful and yet to appreciate the cleverness of it.

But time had not drained the shame. That first terrible encounter with the thought that he was not as good as he needed to be, had sent a shock through him so intense, so visceral that each time it resurfaced he had to clench his fists and slam the door on it in his mind. Sometimes, the need to shut it out provoked an actual howl that he had quickly to stifle in case the company he was in should think him in pain or mad. And it was no longer alone. Many more had joined its ranks and sat on the walls as he walked down the streets of his life, taunting, calling out the worst obscenities imaginable. Useless fuck. Tosser. They broke into his house and stood around his bed as he tried to sleep chanting failure, failure, youre rubbish, mate, until he feared that the neighbours and his family would hear and realise the truth about him. They followed him into work and sat in front of the screen when he was trying to read some dense legal judgment reminding him that he was not clever enough to understand it. They followed him into the pub and whispered to him that his friends there would shun him if they knew.

Knew what?

Objectively he was a success. Objectively he had done well. But according to his own assessment it was unmerited. He was a fraud. A fraud trapped within his own scam, forced each day to perpetuate the lie of his worthiness by the insistent self-deception of those around him. Maybe not an actor, no, more like a conjuror required to keep pretending to pull coloured silks from his mouth because the audience, believing him to be a real magician, would not let the trick end.

*****

One lie, done to save face, had set the pattern for another and another. It was like when you had boarded the wrong train, which was now rolling through the countryside, and all you could do was look out of the window and let it carry you on. The train Chris had boarded took him away from his home station of truthfulness and diligence to deception and disguise. The gentle but relentless motion of the train and the passing landscape through which he was carried, remote and indifferent to his existence, gave his lulled mind space to admit a new and awful thought: that you didnt have to stand and face your failures. You could leave them behind, just by keeping the momentum going, and just as long as you didnt force the people who stood in judgment over you to question the good impression they had of you.

It was a thought that came wrapped as the present of comfort but something about its slipperiness and the way it seemed to change shape as he tried to look at it made him feel queasy. Everything about his life up to now had seemed solid and dependable, based around standards of integrity as ancient and unyielding as monoliths. His Mum and Dad had made it plain that they expected nothing less from him. He must not be as others were, sloppy minded and careless of the value of honest dealing.

But all that was back there, at home, out of view. He wanted to stop, to go back. But the train was in motion and the ticket in his hand was for a one way journey and somehow he already knew that the gift he had been given, this brazen insight, was something that he would have to carry with him, concealed, all his life. And with that, anxiety, a feeling he had not known until he tried to build his dream car, welled up again inside his stomach and churned and burned like an acidic hunger.

*****

At the grammar school, Chris found himself alone, buffeted and mocked by boys tougher than he was, beaten in class by people who were brighter than he was and knew more than he did, humiliated on the rugby pitch and on the athletics field and in the swimming pool. Each day he could feel himself shrivelling inside. He wanted to cry, to howl out his misery but he knew that any slight display of weakness would be caught and picked on. He wanted to run away but he couldnt let his parents down. He couldnt let them see him defeated. It couldnt be his failure.

His stomach began to hurt again. It wasnt much but it was enough to make a start.

Yes, Hatch?

Please, sir, I dont feel well. I think Im going to be sick.

Take yourself to the office, boy.

And on the way to the office, he found he had induced a cold sweat. He heard himself sounding disorientated. He hadnt intended it but some part of his brain had taken over the task of lending authenticity to his ploy. And in moments he had his permission to go home. He checked himself from showing any sign of pleasure or relief and by the time the bus came he almost believed that he was ill. And his mother received him with concern, put him to bed, brought him hot milk and honey.

In time, he could set himself off within the space taken up by the first hymn of Assembly.

His schoolwork suffered. It wasnt just the missed days. It was the homework not done because he was afraid of committing to paper and risking the red crosses and starkly scrawled admonitions that showed he had got something wrong. It was the books he couldnt concentrate on because he was afraid he wouldnt be able to make sense of the words. It was the times when the teacher asked if anyone needed something explained and his hand remained down because to raise it would risk admitting that he didnt understand. But, as if to confirm the rules of his ordeal, just as it had been with the balsa wood car, none of this brought investigation or judgment or punishment. At worst, an end-of-year report would say disappointing, or could try harder. And nobody asked him what was wrong.

He lived his days now in a fog of terrifying unhappiness and fear and his nights chasing away dreams filled with anxieties and recriminations. He felt a drenching cold loneliness even in company but still he must perform for those around him. This was his punishment, his penance. Every day he rose and put on the make-up of a dutiful, sensible schoolboy and went out onto the stage to play his part. It was all they wanted of him. His teachers would speak positively about him and his parents would lap it up. Because, he realised, they were not looking at him at all. They were looking at the image he had created for them, the image of a boy he had once learned to be to gain the grown-ups approval, quiet, well-spoken, polite. It was what they wanted to see and they could not, did not want to, see behind it to the tired and frightened child anxiously holding up the mask for them to admire.

Once, just once, Chris tried to talk to his mother about the sadness and anxiety that he felt inside. She shut him down in an instant. Nobody wants to know, Christopher. Christopher. The name she reserved for when she was displeased.

At the time it had seemed so cruel. Only later, when he had come to understand his own condition, did it dawn on him that she had been chiding herself, not him.

Failure succeeded failure, each one dressed as success. His O and A levels a mess. A poor degree. A poor showing in his Bar examinations. A worthless pupillage. And then, when it was plain that he could not sustain himself at the Bar, a civil service job that owed much to his fathers reputation and had the approval of his mother.

He wanted so much to do well but his mind was so wrapped in its own misery that it would not support him. And the world would only accept the version of him that he had painted for their pleasure. Heres the house, heres the door in the middle, here are the windows, two up two down, heres the chimney and heres the smoke. And heres Mummy and Daddy and heres grown up Chris immaculate in his suit and shiny shoes. See how the sun shines on his smiling face. He is a success. He is happy.

To Part III - Happy

[chezckadesu-blog]

The future is all but a big blur

As summer vacation is here, I went home to our province feeling very lightweight with all of my burdens being taken from me because I just graduated college. It was such a great achievement for me. I was really happy but I also feel other things aside from joy. I feel disappointment, anxiety, sadness but mostly fear. Fear of the unknown, of the future, of whatever life has in store for me. I hate change. I have a hard time adapting and adjusting to a certain event. I dont ever want to do anything alone but now I must. I was very comfortable with my previous situation because I know my friends and family are there to help me and to be with me every step of the way. This time, I had to choose studying over working. Another years of hard work in studying, for my parents, it was bearable if it means that Ill get that title but there never was any assurance that I could. The only assurance that I held was my will to make them proud. I never wanted to continue studying but I felt that I needed to because my parents sacrificed a lot for me and whats another 1-2 years of studying if it means that theyre gonna be happy about it. I dont know if Ill ever reach their dream but Ill try. Ill try my hardest just like how they tried their best to work abroad just to make money to support our family. Ill try so that whatever theyve sacrificed wont be gone for nothing. Ill try because for now, thats the only thing I can give them. Honestly, Im afraid. Terrified. I couldnt even tell them about it. When someone asks me what Im gonna do with my life, this fear creeps behind me and I cower down at the thought making me feel agitated because I dont want to talk about my future. Im not yet ready. My future is still a big blur. The future scares me and its bout to come. I treat it like all problems that come to me, I wont care about it unless it has gotten big or out of control that I force myself to cram or work on it. But the whole point of this post is that, I am terrified of what the future brings for me. I dont know if I can do this. I feel scared, alone and hopeless. I want someone to listen to all of my woes but I couldnt even have someone decent to talk to. Its hard.

[alexwennburgers]

I'm stressed abt stuff i can't control hahahaha

anyway my godparents and their daughters are fighting and it kills me bc my godparents are trying so hard to show their daughters they love and support them (which is why the daughters are ignoring them) and like they just wanna be around their daughters and their grandchild but my godsister was like “you never supported me” and its killing me bc like they literally love and support them so much but the girls have always been extremely spoiled and theyre just so rude to their parents im so upset. my godmother drove 2 hours to my house to sob to my mom about how one of her daughters told her “i dont want you here for any of Harper’s (her baby) firsts” and like my godmother is willing to drop thousands to go to Austrailia and visit them but nope theyre so harsh to her and i just cant believe they act like their parents dont love and support them.

at one point katie went to college in the midwest (at a v expensive private school, paid for completely by her parents) decided she didnt like it after a year and then moved to an even more expensive private college in LA where they paid for literally everything. The girls also went to one of the best private schools in the country. and the oldest daughter had a really rough time mentally after her fiance died and then she came out as lgbt and her parents have been there for her the entire time. like they truly do love and support their daughters (mental, emotional, financial support) and all their daughters do is ignore them and treat them terribly.

I also feel like it puts a burden on me to be a 3rd daughter to them bc their kids are pos that ignore them and I feel like I need to be ultra supportive and loving so that they dont feel alone and hopeless. like they literally gave everything to their daughters to be ignored and it breaks my fucking heart and also terrifies me that I’m gonna do everything for my kids and have them not want me

[ravioli-cats]

okay I just need to vent.

okay so I'm on an alternative spring break trip and it's really fun and good for the most part. I really love that I'm around people so much and that I get a lot of attention and that my time is filled like I'm always busy pretty much. But there are some things I'm feeling that I don't like so much. 1) there's one site we are volunteering at that (even tho they are an LGBT organization), I feel pretty uncomfortable at because they keep saying transphobic stuff and my interactions with the people that work at the organization just don't feel comfortable at all. 2) I love being able to be funny and goofy and myself but after the fact like when I lay in bed at night and think about it I feel so self conscious and like everyone on the trip actually hates me and thinks I'm annoying and complaining too much and it makes me want to just withdraw and not say anything but if I did that I would feel like shit so I just don't know what to do or how to act. I really like being around these people and they feel safe to be silly around but I always get doubts and that makes me question not only the people on this trip but also my friends back at school. Do they really like me or do they just tolerate me, ya know? I feel like I'm just so annoying and needy for attention and it makes me feel guilty and unloved and I even know that these thoughts aren't rational but I still feel it. It makes me either want to change my behavior and act like I did in high school when I was quiet and boring and miserable and wouldn't talk to people or try to be silly or friendly because I was sure everyone hated me anyway. It's so much better to just be able to be myself: crazy and silly and complains a lot and loves people and cares about people so fucking much. I just want to love everyone. I want to say I love you to everyone because I feel so good when I interact with people and guilty at the same time because I feel like I'm not good enough for them and that everyone is better than me so much so that I want to praise everyone. Everyone on my trip: I love you. All of my friends back at school: I love you. Etc. Like,,,,, I feel like it's weird but feeling connected to people is the only time I feel happy. Which leads me to 3) I don't want the trip to end. I feel like when this is over I'm going to be so lonely again. I shouldn't feel hopeless and depressed when I'm alone but I do, so so much. On this trip I have to many opportunities to be myself and connect with people in genuine ways because I am with people that I get along with pretty much 24/7 with very little alone time. And the thing is I KNOW that I can't be around people constantly. I feel the stress being here and not being able to be alone and I don't like it, but I think being around people constantly does more good than harm for me (depending on the people) because it makes me feel safe and cared about and feel like I have the ability to interact with people if I want to. When the trip is over I'm going to go home to school and be alone again most of the time. I'm going to feel that same feeling of feeling unloved and isolated and vulnerable, vulnerable in the sense that I'm not able to be myself with other people, not able to see my existence validated. When I'm alone I feel almost inhuman, like I don't really exist almost. When I am able to be myself around people and they react in a positive way I feel,,,, loved,,,,, valid,,,, empowered,,,, happy,,,, safe,,,,and real...human. I hate that I feel this way because it is too needy. I shouldn't need to be interacting with people to feel real, but I do. I think that for so long when I was in middle and high school I felt like I didn't even really exist. I spent every day going through the motions and trying to be unseen because I felt so worthless and insignificant. I felt nothing for so long and even tho I was alive I wasn't really existing. I would go through the day and not feel anything except empty, like I didn't belong anywhere or was allowed to really enjoy my life. When I went on trips for debate where I got to be myself and socialize with people I trusted is one of the only times when I would feel good. I feel like not much has changed. I only feel good when I'm hanging out with any of the people from my group of friends from school (especially a select few), or when I go to my trans support group and can be myself and socialize, or now on this trip with the people I'm with. I love feeling good and feeling happy when I am with people but it almost like I can't enjoy it to the fullest because I have SO MUCH self loathing and because I know it is going to end and I'm going to be lonely and feel like shit constantly when I go back to school. I just hate that I'm like this and that my dad and family and early life experiences fucked me up so much like this because I just want to be happy so badly and I know what it feels like but I feel like I'm just never going to get there. It just makes me kinda want to die. Like legitimately. I know most people would just say "oh just look forward to the next time you will get to feel good" but it doesn't work like that. The times when I am able to interact with people and feel good are not often enough to where I feel like the good times come enough to counteract the bad. Instead of looking forward to the good times I feel like I yearn for them like a starving person yearns for food, and while I am in the good times I am so anxious and depressed about the good times ending that I can't enjoy them fully. I just wish I was normal. My brain is so fucked up. Yet another reason I'm afraid I deserve to be so lonely. I'm too depressed and complicated. I SHOULD die because I'm a burden since I need so much attention and validation and I feel like dying would be less painful than my shitty depressing life with my fucked up brain and no one to talk about all this with other than the non-listening people of tumblr. Tbh I know this is so fucking long no one is going to read it but if anyone does and wants to talk to me please do because all this shit hurts so much and thinking about this stuff is the one thing that actually makes me cry in relation to myself. Like I can cry at emotional things happen externally from myself but not for myself. Except for this. I literally hate my life. Sorry about the rambling now onto the next thing. 4) this spring break trip is about LGBT awareness and one of the sites we are working at is a drop in center that provides services for LGBT people in detroit, ages 13-30. It's honestly so depressing and it keeps making me think about (as terrible as it sounds) how much I hate being trans. Living life as LGBT (esp trans or if you have an marginalized intersecting identity like race, class, ethnicity, ability status, immigration status etc.) is sooooo fucking hard. I feel like the government doesn't care about me at all and that's probably true tbh. beyond that though working at this site has also brought to my attention how much it sucks when your family doesn't accept you as an LGBT person, because the site mostly deals with homeless youth that got kicked out of their homes or had to leave because they weren't accepted and didn't feel safe. Not to make this about me because I know a lot of people, including the people that use the drop in center/shelter site I'm volunteering at, have it worse than me, but I have it hard too. I really don't want to go back to my hometown over this coming summer because I don't want to see my dad and I don't really want to live at home with my mom either. It's just so hard to be trans (aka MYSELF) around my family because they have such a hard time with it and it's so awkward and I truthfully don't feel safe and validated there. But I don't really have many other choices. I can't really afford to stay at college and work or take classes and even if I did I would be so fucking lonely that I honestly might die (see the whole long thing I did in number 3). I feel so trapped and unsafe and like I have no options and control over my life. Like, I know my mom and my sister and even my moms boyfriend care about me a lot, and I care about them, but I don't feel like I can stand to live there. Especially with my grandpa there, I really don't feel safe around him at all. I just don't know what to do. And I feel so stressed constantly about my dad. I feel like I have to tell him I'm trans AT SOME POINT like he will have to know eventually and I'm so so so so so so so so scared about it honestly it terrifies me more than almost anything. I honestly don't know if I could handle his reaction, because I dont really see it being positive. Even if he were to be fine with it there will never ever ever be a point where he would be able to address me in the way I want, just like I'm not sure that will ever happen with most of my extended family. I feel like I am hurting my family by being trans tbh. And I also feel like I am hurting myself and that's why I hate it. There are so many good things about being trans like being able to be myself and be COMFORTABLE being myself. Getting on hormones has been one of the greatest things. I actually feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and that makes me happier sometimes, but most of the time I still feel like shit. That's because there is still so much I feel uncomfortable about. My hips are too big, my chest is too big, I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, my voice goes higher sometimes, I don't always pass, my hair looks bad (although this is less of an issue since I've realized I'm trans and started transitioning and had short hair I usually love my hair but am still sometimes self conscious about it not looking right or male enough (which I know is stupid but it's how I feel) ), my nails grow too fast and are always too long, my face looks feminine, I have ~breasts~ that I will never be able to afford top surgery for and ~female genitalia~ that make it so I will never find an actual gay man that I love that will love me back (also because of all of my other l trans related body issues a guy will never love me ). My dsyphoria is so bad whenever I go to class or leave my apartment, or even when I'm in my apartment and certain people that I feel like I need to impress or pass for are there. It's also worse when I am in places where I am prone to be misgendered like when I'm at ~home~ with my family, or in class or out literally anywhere in public where people don't know me. Especially because I don't feel safe being trans. I don't feel safe going out in public not passing. I don't think I will be physically harmed but I'm so afraid that I will be misgendered like I actually was on this trip by people AT AN LGBT ORGANIZATION. it hurt so much and now being at that site and being on this trip with the people from my school that I'm doing this with I feel more dysphoria and more like I need to be extra masculine in order for my identity to be valid. Especially with the current political climate and everything that is happening in this world I just don't feel safe and valid so much of the time, even when I'm in places where I should feel safe and valid. like a few weeks ago in my one class where we had to read an article by a TERF and talk about it on an online discussion forum. People in my class were agreeing with and sympathizing with the TERF and it honestly felt so shitty. Not because I felt insecure about my identity, I'm not. I know I'm trans. I am a man. I am a man. I know I am a man. Nothing will change me being a man. It felt shitty because it just adds to me feeling so unloved. Unloved by my dad, unloved by my peers, unloved by society. I'm lonely and unloved. People hate me for being trans. People hate me for being myself, which is just so depressing for me because I LOVE people so much, as I've said before. I think people are beautiful and amazing and I don't understand how other people function and I loved how diverse people are. I love love love love so much my heart is so full of love and I feel like I dont get enough back. Instead I get constant messages of people invalidating my existence when they misgender me, or when the fuckhead president trump and republican fuckheads in office demonstrate just how much they don't care about trans kids/people. I just want to be loved. I want to be cared for because I care about people so fucking much and I give so much. I don't want to sound entitled but it think it deserve it. I love how it feels to be validated and to be loved and to feel happy. I want it more. I don't like feeling invalid, inhuman, unloved and even hated. I really really don't like it. Aside from all the things I've talked about above there are so many other things that make being trans so hard for me. Binding. One thing that helps me feel a little safer. A little more valid. A little more okay with my body. Currently all of my binders are broken. They don't work like they should. I am not as flat as I want to be. It makes me so self conscious and dysphoric every day. And wearing the binder hurts so much. On this trip I have been wearing it like 13-15 hours a day because I'm not even explicitly out to most of the people on this trip. And I am so sore. I've been doing a lot of physical work and I know wearing my binder for so long and doing physical work is not good for my body. I think though that the emotional and mental pain I would get from not wearing it would be much worse. If I could, I would even wear it to sleep because I am sleeping around all these people (tbh most of them are in the LGBT community and alllll of them are sympathetic to the issues because we are on a service learning trip to help LGBT people and learn more about LGBT issues, but I still don't feel comfortable enough. The only people I don't always wear my binder around on a regular basis are my roommate, her boyfriend because he's always over and I can't really avoid it and a person probably my closest friend at school because we are so much alike as she is such a great and supportive friends that I feel reallly extremely safe around) that I get along with very well but I still am so dysphoric that I don't feel comfortable enough with to not wear my binder. It make me sleep worse at night. I am so worried that someone will notice me more while I am sleeping or something. But I bind pretty much constantly when I'm not sleeping, at least while I'm on this alternative spring break, and it hurts. My body wants me to give up I think. I have to do my hormone shot in the morning and I'm really nervous about it because I'm on this spring break trip and not home. There is only 1 bathroom and 20 people staying at this place we are st so it's not feasible for me to do my shot in the bathroom so I'll have to find another spot to do it and it just makes me so self conscious and I feel guilty about it because I feel like if I were cis I wouldn't have to be such a bother about it and idk it's not really logical but it makes me feel some type of way and I'm not excited about it. Another thing I'm not happy about with being trans on this trip specifically is that since we are an LGBT awareness group and it's a service learning trip about LGBT issues and I'm the only trans person on the group I feel obligated to educate the others in the group. Even worse is that since I'm not even technically out to all of them (even though they probably know because I'm not sure how well I pass) it feels more awkward to be the one person that knows so much about trans issues AND having to talk about trans people as if it is a Group that im not in and feeling unable to share how my experiences impact me in relation to the volunteer work we are doing/experiences we/I are having and in relAtion to just me being trans in and of itself. Like, I want them to know about trans issues and benefit from the trip and understand trans issues better in general but i really hate that trAns people are always having to teach people and advocate for themselves. I am on this trip and doing work to help a community that I'm a part of because most of the time people outside of the community don't care enough to do the work and it fucking sucks. Having to "be political" constantly because my identity is political and feeling like I have to advocate for myself constantly and in more ways than cis people do is exhausting and hard to deal with on top of all of the other shit I'm going through. Part of that shit is that my name hasn't been changed yet and that my gender marker isn't changed yet. I forget about it until I get to work and my coworkers call me she and my old name and I see my old name everywhere, on the computer screen, on the shelfs of movies. I forget about it until I have to pay for something with my credit or debit card and I have to sign my legal name. I forget about it until I tell people that my roommate is a girl and when people assume I'm a cis male (aka when I pass) that confuses them and sometimes causes them to misgender me or it causes me to out myself. It is so frustrating and exhausting and just not fun at all. I laugh so much about every terrible situation I'm in and make it off to not be a big deal. Like when I was misgendered on the trip and I mentioned it to the group I laughed and swept it under the rug and shrugged it off and said that it was fine, but it really wasn't. It really doesn't feel fine and I don't feel fine about being at that site in the space where I was misgendered and being around people that keep saying problematic, invalidating, transphobic things. It really really really doesn't feel good and honestly I just want to be held and loved. But instead of saying that I laughed and didn't talk about it because I don't want to out myself and I don't want to be a burden to the people in this group that I'm on a trip with. My feelings aren't important enough to be talked about at length. But all this laughing things off is really starting to take a toll on me I think because I really really really really just want to talk to someone about all of this stuff and I can't avoid it anymore it's building up and if I continue to keep it all to myself I am going to have some sort of breakdown. I could talk about all of this with my therapist. Or about some of it with my group that I'm on this alternative spring break trip with. Or some of it with a friend. But my biggest fear is that I will let it all out like I'm doing now but in an actual conversation and people either won't care or just won't know what to do or how to help me. If I keep it inside I can maybe hold on to the hope that it can be fixed and all these irrational thoughts and feelings can go away but if I let it all out and nothing can be done to fix me or to help me that I would be so so broken. I think it would just take every ounce of hope I have left in me. I don't know if I could go on to be perfectly honest. I want so so desperately to talk about all of this stuff but I'm too afraid to. I really feel like most people don't care and the ones that do can't do anything to help me. I really feel like a lost cause. I'm am so lost and distraught with my life. Ive been holding in all of my thoughts since I was little partly because I was too afraid to talk to my dad when I was little. And then when I got older I was too afraid to talk to anyone. And then I high school whenever I tried to talk about something important (or even things that aren't important) to one of my friends, I always felt like I got talked over or ignored in favor of someone else or something else more important than me. I feel like I have never been anyone's favorite (other than my mom I suppose) person or favorite friend and that hurts too. It makes it that much harder for me to interact with people in casual ways let alone in significant ways. I don't know what to do. I guess just get up tomorrow and do my testosterone shot and take a shower and get dressed and interact with people and try to have fun and try not to think too much. Thinking hurts. Feeling hurts. I'm crying good thing everyone is asleep. No one will read this. As it should be probably. fuck my life.