#it actually was really hard for me to do this one cause i couldnt figure out what to draw

[oliviabear]

i really do love this show overall i think especially the sisters/twins storyline is genius and it’s been too long for star wars to do something like this bc it’s literally perfect and gives so much room to play with the light/dark theme plus its so intricately connected to family in this way and that makes the parallels and differences so much more striking and complex, i am obsessed.

this last episode was so cool as well because you could see the difference in treatment by osha and mae’s "masters" and how both sisters deal with it. how both of them crave connection to each other because one is all the other really needs but their past and their circumstances pull them further away.

like all mae ever wanted in her life was to be with her family and stay with them. she craves that familial affection and closeness so much and qimir never could give it to her because he's set on a whole different connection. but sol isn’t and that’s exactly how he treated osha when she was his pupil. which is something he can give to mae now that she’s with him. to me, he’s a very fatherlike figure and considering mae lost her moms and then her sister to him it will be hard to see him in that way but her desire for family might tower over her resentment for him. cause when he hugged her she hesitated killing him. she needs that closeness so bad. i need people talking about their hug and interaction more, it was so interesting to watch.

meanwhile everything osha wanted was to be understood by someone for who she is. and her family couldn’t give her that because they wanted her to be someone she’s not. and then sol couldnt give her that because he needed her to be something she couldn’t be. and let all that grief and emotions go and find peace the jedi code follows. but she couldn’t do that. her emotions are what makes her so strong and the force feeds on that which is something qimir can see and encourages. that’s literally what she needs. and what she has wanted from anyone in her life. like that intimacy of being understood. actually understood for her feelings and who she is. and then he hits her with "i understand" it was perfect

[pokemon-ash-aus]

I'm more curious on what reverse betrayal AU is, i couldn't really find anything in the tags sorry

Damn i SWEAR i wrote it down already. I guess Tumblr's tags are extra extra broken.

OKAY 👏

So everyone knows the canonical fanfiction trope of Betrayal AU's yes? Where the Main character of any fandom (in this case Ash) gets abandoned and spit on by their friends and partners except for the brief few that usually end up being the love interest?

In this case it's

Ash's friends leave him, ash's pokemon leave him except for the strong ones (pikachu is usually leaving him behind but i call bull so whatevs), Ash gets new pokemon, stronger and so much better (also legendaries, whoda thunk), he gets a love interest or a harem (cause why not) and then gets WICKED OP to the point its a bit unbelievable. Theb the betrayers come back and Ash wipes the floor with them while mocking them the whole time.

Its a well known trope, one that i used to adore myself, but i found it lacking after a hot min. The characters were always OOC, and the progression of events started to lean on terrible for me. No hate to the trope, i wrote one nyself once upon a time (unfinished), but it's nit in my wheelhouse anymore.

And so i made the Reverse Betrayal AU, mostly as a kick but really it started on the same premise but executed differently.

Ash's friends gather round, in this case, it had only gone up to alola so im sticking by that. My reasoning was that the little field trip down in Kanto was an excellent opportunity to get the rest of Ash's friends down there as a surprise!

Now, i want to point out the crucial information that Ash acts differently with each friend group. Not intentionally being deceitful, but more of, trying to fit into the type of person they need. For Misty that was a Brat, for May that was a Mentor, for Dawn a Sibling, for Iris an idiot, for Serena a hero. Etc etc.

Alola was the place where Ash *couldnt* do that so he finds himself in a mix of Mentor/friend/sibling role.

But when they all are there, Ash has a hard time trying to figure out what he should be and what he should stray into. And that leans into him being a Brat because Misty is a VERY loud personality in a way no one else was.

And boy do they grate on each other's nerves.

Misty is teasing him playfully, but Ash is biting back HARD. Not because he wants too, but the stress of the situation makes it hard for him to fight back just as playful. Especially with Iris there since her words used to cut before, but now he's painting Misty with the same brush but twice as deep.

And Misty doesnt appreciate this right, so this playfight on her end turns into actual fighting, words of anger and resentment speaking out on both sides.

"I WISH I NEVER MET YOU." Get's thrown out and the entire field goes quiet.

"Ditto." Ash growls.

And they turn away from each other.

And Brock is already trying to placate, he's seen this before a million times but then...

Everyone else jumps in.

Accusations are thrown, some side with Misty some side with Ash. None of these people are friends with each other, they all are connected through Ash.

And so Brock cuts them all off, cause the two were BOTH being uncalled for. And when he turns to Ash to ask what he was thinking.

The kid is outright gone.

No words no nothing and that leaves a deep deep dread in Brock's stomach.

"Oh he left, just like a little kid." Iris sighs, shaking her head as the others glare at her.

"No," Brock's voice trembles and that stops everyone else from really saying anything. "Ash can be rude and angry and wrong all he wants but he doesnt ever leave a conversation mod way- hell he doesnt even run away from a confrontation- this- this isnt right."

And while they look for him it starts ti become more and more clear that... None of these people are /friends/. They know Ash and Ash only.

And that starts *arguments*, screams of whose right and whose wrong and why Ash doesnt need to have a friend like *you.*

Its the take of, instead of Ashbeing abandoned by his friends. Its instead Ash 'abandoning' his friends instead. But its not really true, cause Ash wabts to be with his friends he's just...

Very mad right now.

Whoo i went on a tangent. I have more- somewhere- so ill need to look for it.

[kyuummie]

read about my sons NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!’!

recently ive taken it upon myself to turn glitterduo (argbur and incelbur/simpbur) into my ocs, allen (he him) and salem (he she they) after realizing how much i was attached to them and might go as far as reclaiming even more relevant burs

theyre kind of like a gag anime with a broad plot that has only 50% to do with the actual episode youre watching. They just kind of exist and go through day to day things together because theyre buds. maybe you will like them too if you liked bur sonas…i just wanted to share something that gave me joy. theyre like if triple baka was double baka mesmerizer if it was awesome

who should be the third baka or the yellow one that wasnt in mesmerizer vote down below /hj

more random stuff about them under the cut

no salem is not an incel. Thought i should preface that LMFAO (i still think its crazy how much the fandom (using that term lightly cause of how fan driven the concept of burs were) “woobified” incelbur/simpbur seeing how much of a creep he apparently is. its ok i was a part of it and i never do anything wrong ^_^)

i originally had a really hard time trying to figure out a plotline for these two, my first draft “salmon alley” was about them being platonic soulmates and having to figure out how to live together. one, i didnt like the name cause it sounded to much like salmonella. Second, i didnt really know where to go with the soulmate thing and i didnt even know if i wanted to have a story for them

then, i wanted to go the unconventional route and make them little magical girls (“1-chance duet”) with the point of them being tied together as two magical girls who were destined to save, well, mentally unstable people 😭, before they could save themselves, and i gave salem a bunny hood which is where his current hat comes from

i might use some of this as au ideas or their general “plot”. but i kind of like them just being there and only serving as comfort and a source of joy? these two just Happened to both be my faves and also be created by some douche. so, if you were also a bur sona liker, youre like a sleeper agent 🕵️ maybe theyll go ghost hunting and find blue (gb). Travel back in time to find an old timey president at a bar (lmanbr). go a couple months forward to find him depressed, and deceased the next day (pogbr). maybe theyll be taken by the mad scientist who sent them back in time(malpractice). maybe theyll meet god himself (100p??). Hey allen why do all these guys look vaguely like us and all have brown shoulder length hair

i remember i had my designs for og glitterduo memorized like muscle memory, i have no idea how i got over them so quickly but when i was reminded of them i couldnt keep the demons inside…i drew arg all the time in class and i love edgy characters so he was my perfect little guy. i might still refer to them (especially allen) as arg/incel/simp. Maybe this is another 2 week phase but i love them

also, i dont know what to call their “series”. i have two in mind: amygdala’s resonance/just amygdala, or hatena (as in question mark) but i think amygdala seems way too dark and edgy for what im thinking

[minimujina]

𝑑𝑜𝑐𝑖𝑙𝑒 𝑑𝑎𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔

ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ. scaramouche drabble :)

ᴛᴡ. none, just cute fluff. use of scara’s real name

ᴀ/ɴ. i haven’t done the sumeru archon quest yet because i’ve kept procrastinating so i apologize if any of this is lore inaccurate </3 i mean it’s not really got anything to do with lore, i just wanted to write something soft for scara, but i figured i’d say this anyways kjglfkjfl

↳ scaramouche hates it when u do that thing

↳ u know.. that thing

↳ that thing where u are cute all the time and make him feel things. he hates that.

↳ how dare you have the audacity to be that amiable to an infamous fatui harbinger such as himself. how dare you!!

↳ he hates that he wants to protect you. like all the time. it’s like he has a new 6th sense for smelling potential danger. but like

↳ only for u

↳ he’d put himself at great risk if it meant you were safe

↳ i mean,, he’d also put himself at great risk because goddamn it he’s angry at the world and he just wants to kill things

↳ but. same thing

↳ yeah he couldnt give two flying fucks about anyone else. only u. turns out you are his darling whether u like it or not cause he just can’t stand how much he likes you and therefore he’s obligated to keep you around. or whatever

↳ will call u dumb and then immediately feel bad when he sees that you’re about to cry lol

↳ he learns with time that he kinda has to actually be gentle with you. ugh

↳ (but he actually grows to like it) (he comes to the point where he’s okay with being gentle and it comes naturally around you)

↳ comes home from yelling at his subordinates and collapses in ur arms while you pet his hair and hold him close bc god nothing feels better than your touch reassuring him that he’s loved by at least one person. doesn’t matter if the rest of the world wants him dead—knowing you care so much about this wretched, empty heart of his that you would hold him so tenderly is enough for him.

↳ at first he hates kisses. hates all forms of pda and kinda affection in general

↳ but as he grows more confident in his love for you and your love for him, he starts displaying it more

↳ will actually kiss your hand🥺

↳ even in front of his subordinates, he’ll greet you by taking your little palm in his own and bringing it to his lips, always always making sure to prolong eye contact because he knows how much it flusters you :)

↳ cue a bunch of fatui agents sniffling and clutching their chests bc holy shit scaramouche is soft for someone

↳ treats you like a princess. really does. he comes to hold you in the highest regard—he always did, really, but he was simply too embarrassed to admit it (even to himself).

↳ some of the fatui agents end up voicing their surprise that scaramouche keeps you around—they wouldn’t think someone so docile and plain would catch the eye of-

↳ thud. scaramouche’s vision crackles with electro energy, his hands clenched, while the underling who had run her mouth lay writhing on the cold, hard floor.

↳ “let it be known that the sole reason you remain alive right now is because my darling would disapprove of me ending your life,” the harbinger threatens, while the other underlings rush to aid the woman blasted off her feet.

↳ yeah,, he does not tolerate any gossip about the love of his life.

↳ yes, you were docile. so docile, in fact, that you were able to combat the violence erupting from scaramouche with a simple frown, reminding him that excessive cruelty was not the way to win your heart. and so he would change his ways gradually, allowing himself to give what the other fatui agents called “grace”, a grace which they’d never received from this ruthless man before.

↳ but plain? no. you were anything but. and scaramouche would defend your honor with all that he had—how dare those vermin call his darling plain. every day, scaramouche looked you in the eyes and found remarkable beauty, hidden affections, truths folded like a blanket, and universes. he saw universes in your eyes. so scaramouche found it almost offensive that the agents would dare to suggest you were anything but special—he knew you to be a precious gem full of universes. they didn’t understand you like he did; they could never appreciate you like he did.

↳ scaramouche becomes convinced that there is no one more worthy of respect than you, and he’s not ashamed to tell you so. when you shy away from his praises, he’ll grab your chin between his thumb and forefinger, guiding you to look at him so you have no choice but to pay attention.

↳ when you sheepishly avert your gaze, he murmurs, “eye contact, darling—we talked about this,” observing your plush, trembling lips and flushed cheeks. his thumb grazes over your bottom lip so softly, so gently, something you didn’t know he was capable of. and the kiss that follows somehow manages to be all the more tender.

↳ pulling away with a whimper, you quip, “i would hardly call this respect, kuni.”

↳ scaramouche grins, and for the first time you see something akin to joy in his gaze. “well, darling, perhaps you could just think of it as adoration. same thing, no?”

↳ your giggle rings in his ears like the clinking of glass—“sure, kuni. alright.” and you’re forced to let go of any further thought as he swoops in for another kiss.

↳ meanwhile, childe is watching from somewhere nearby, clutching at his chest dramatically while dottore smacks him in an attempt to get him to shut the fuck up. nobody gets caught spying on scaramouche and comes out alive.

↳ childe just can’t help it, though!! this is his comrade, his rival friend, finally experiencing love for another person!! if it hadn’t been for scaramouche’s quick steal, childe quite frankly would’ve taken you for himself—not that scaramouche would ever have to know that, of course. :) you were a gem childe regretted letting slip through his fingers, but it did bring him solace to know that scaramouche was actually treating you right. he could live with it as long as you were happy.

𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 ! ఌ

[coconox]

whb QoLs that i would like to see

boredom post lol, just dumping my thoughts into the void of what id like to see be added in whb but probably will never happen 🫠

1. separation of character and artifact banners

pretty self-explanatory. w the roster being huge and it only increasing from here there needs to be a distinction btwn characters and artifacts. im sure many ppl atp have gotten tired of the false hope they get when they get the gold glow from one of the kings at the beginning only to find out that its just one of his sig 💀💀

1.1 for patches w 2 l-rank debuts, have the selector work even before you hit pity

i get having the selector for if you reach hard pity, but its a bit greedy for it to apply only when you wasted so many seals (esp when f2ps dont get as much seals as they should). i would like the chance of knowing im guaranteed that char from the beginning even when i get the char early

1.2 if there exists an artifact banner, let there be a selector for which one you want to pull for

same logic as prev points. the rosters getting huge and ideally id like to have smth guaranteed for when i do my pulls

2. update characters' skill descriptions to be more specific

theres too many "[dmg/healing] is proportional to [some stat]." i want to see what that actual proportion is, like "dmg is proportional to x% of stat" where x is some number. or in skill menus theres "increase passive effect" like just tell me what youre specifically increasing in the passive !!!! i shouldnt need to actually lvl the passive to figure out whats changing, it should be stated from the get-go

3. have someone at the very least proofread the text

now i've seen my fair share of typos in games, hell, i literally play one where they couldnt even spell their own game name properly during the earlier yrs of its release lol *cough pgr cough*, but for the most part theyve resolved that issue and simple typos are easily spotted and fixed, but ive never seen there be this many typos or language switches mid-sentence. literally just 1 thorough proofread couldve easily solved most of these grammatical issues.

4. better optimization

im sorry but this is getting to like hoyo lvls of optimization w the fact that whb, which just hit half anni a month ago, is getting close to the amnt of storage an almost 3 yr old game has is wild to me (completely disregarding the fact that pgr has 3d models, l2d cgs, etc). imo, the amnt of storage whb holds should be around or even lower than what neural cloud has (which mind you, also has 3d models and l2d art 😭😭)

incoming very weird comparison but vanilla minecraft, a game that gets regularly updated, both on pc and pe take less than 1 gb

literally improving the optimization would make the game more accessible i.e. get more players to play since it wont take up a lot of storage !!! as someone who used to have 64gb or less on my phone, i could barely play any games on it bc nowadays they unnecessarily take up so much storage

5. add more daily/weekly tasks

keep the 9 daily requirements and 32 weekly requirements the same, just give more tasks for each so that we arent strictly set on doing specific ones. id like to see more stuff like "battle any stage x amnt of times" (emphasis on any, not a specific stage) or "interact w the lobby character at least once," just really anything that doesnt involve investing in a character or artifact. i feel like im wasting resources from lvling chars i dont wanna lvl, + we dont get enough tears per week to properly invest in so many characters at once.

giving more breathing room to hit the 9 and 32 achievements would put less stress on me cause then i'll know that if i cant complete one task, i can just do another and still be able to get all the rewards obtained for the week. im sure a fair share of ppl atp have missed out on getting all the weekly rewards bc they accidentally missed 1 daily task which is painful

5.1. get rid of the lvling artifacts weekly requirement and lvling characters requirement

briefly mentioned it prev but wanted to make its own section. its useless, especially when i ald have the artifacts that i need lvled up. its a dumb requirement that makes me waste mats and pulls just so i could lvl some artifacts properly.

6. get rid of the rng boxes and make them selectors

5.2 increase the daily/weekly rewards

dailies (w pancake shop): 9 tears, 7 key boxes (rng)

weeklies: 4 tears, 5 red keys, 2 yellow keys, 50 seals

i dont think i need to explain much here thats like scraping the bottom of a barrel for important mats/gacha currency

they suck. i do not want resources to be gacha too

7. make all shops cheaper

self-explanatory. everything is too expensive (esp in red gems shop) and therefore is borderline inaccessible unless if you hoard mats or 💳

7.1 add the ability to convert red gems to seals

red gems have very little use now ever since seals were introduced. id like them to have some important use if we keep getting a certain amnt of them every week. we can covert them to red/yellow keys, so by that logic we should also be able to convert them to seals too

8. get rid of uncommon/useless currencies

pretzels, artifact enhancement stones, and blue guilty gems are the 3 that come to mind. ik pretzels were originally supposed to be from the friends system, but that was removed a bit after launch and still hasnt showed up despite pb promising itd be launched around this time. aside from that the other 2 serve little to no use, as artifact stones dont lvl up the artifact all that much and blue gems died when seals became a thing

9. auto-clear for story stages

i mean that after getting a perfect clear on a stage, then have auto-clear be an option. since candy boxes are farmable through story, i end up falling asleep or getting bored of having to sit through fighting the same stage like 20+ times a day. this is honestly one of the more nit picky ones in this list lol, i just play the stages in the bg while i do other stuff but ideally id like to get stuff done asap

10. make lvling characters cheaper

we only get 13 tears a week from dailies + weeklies + pancake shop. assuming you start from scratch and want to get to char lvl70, it takes 3 weeks to get there without the help from other shops. thats almost a month for 1 character, it shouldnt take that long to invest in someone (it also shouldnt be that expensive 💀)

if we're getting such low numbers of essential materials per week, decrease the character lvl prices to reflect that. or alternatively, increase the number of mats we get per week to easily lvl characters

10.1 increase the character lvl cap to 100

40 tears for one level is not worth it, having the cap be 100 would make it feel like its worth it (not really tbh, its still real expensive when lvl70 provides more than enough to clear all content 💀)

10.2 add a resource stage for pies

getting pies only through shop (rng boxes btw) and events isnt enough to compensate for how much skill lvls cost. either decrease the skill lvl prices or increase the pie income to balance it out

11. have the ability to backread txt msgs before choosing a reply

self-explanatory. the game doesnt allow you to backread before choosing a reply which sucks :/

as someone who usually cant process txt after reading it once i kinda just sit at the replies like :/ girl i forgor what he just said and i cant go back and read so i'll just leave and re-enter the chatroom again ig

12. have the game automatically lock l-rank artifacts as soon as you get them

ik theres a lock feature, but you need to lock all artifacts manually. id rather the game lock l-rank artifacts for me once i get them so that i dont accidentally recycle them when cleaning out my inventory and then i manually unlock them later if i want to

13. give seals, keys, or just any sort of general gacha currency as compensation rewards

receiving only ap feels like a slap to the face, and seals/any other currency would only be given out if there was smth that was severely (and i mean very severely) hindering everyones gameplay. the ap given isnt even that much either which is like rubbing salt in the wound

14. decrease ap requirement in stages

considering stages can go up to 32ap as a req (given this is only seen in events, the usual hovers around 25 but my point still stands), you cant really do all that much if the cap hovers around 250 (give or take, i havent seen anyone w 300ap yet so 250 im considering is the avg rn for endgame players). w each stage at highest difficulty being 25-30+ap, we essentially only play like 10 stages max before needing to wait.

1 solution ppl would have in mind is to just buy the 300ap from red gems shop or buy more ap from selecting the ap counter directly to get more for the day, but i want smth thats more accessible. i shouldnt need to pay w some currency to get literally the bare necessity of being able to play this game.

i think keeping all stages at 15ap is perfect, hell, even 20 would also work since w 250ap you can get more than 10 runs in one session

15. make the battles less reliant on needing certain l-ranks

this is just smth ive noticed when testing out stages w other chars or just playing realm of seraphim lol, but theres a huge imbalance w l-ranks vs s and a+-ranks. theres also a huge imbalance when it comes to the classes too (i'll get to that in a bit)

take beel's camp for example, there is no one in beels camp that can essentially mimic or closely mimic what beel does kit-wise (dmg ik will be different cause lower ranking and all). imo, the go-to non-l-rank alternative for beel isnt even from his camp, its from belphegors !!!! (if you didnt catch on im talking abt andrealphus lol)

or take mammon for example, no one in his camp (as of making this post) deals dmg on ult, they only either shield themselves or take the hit for ppl on the team, which tends to do more harm than good.

element-wise, take juno for example. juno being an l-rank fire unit significantly changed how fire team worked, i.e., you can actually use that team to clear most story content now (minus water enemies lol). that should probably put into perspective of 1. how l-ranks are a bit too important in this game and 2. how unbalanced light as an element is compared to every other element

15.1 give us more tanks and healers

i need yall to see how crazy our current roster is

(dont mind the title of the table lol its from the spreadsheet, also for reference if ppl see this in the future this is pre-lucifer (victory))

why do we have so many close-rangers??? so many marksman????

we have such little supports (tanks + healers) that it makes me fully convinced the gameplay pb wants to achieve is full on dps and not yk a well-balanced team w dps AND support. dont get me wrong if players want to full on dps that is totally fine by me, the issue im having is that the devs appear to want a full on dps team, completely ignoring the idea of how to properly balance a game where they also introduce supports. of course there are marksman/close-rangers that can support i.e. buff the team (juno, dantalian, ronové, phenix, the list of examples goes on), but im specifically talking abt the classes in general. for the most part, marksman and close-rangers are usually dps while tanks and healers are usually support.

if youre gonna introduce supports in this game, 1. have more than just 1 tank unit for each non-light element, 2. make the healing be higher than 1% of a char's hp, 3. have an equal amnt of tanks and healers as close-rangers and marksman.

the fact that if you dont have mammon as your designated tank or lucifer as your designated healer, youre essentially screwed over is wild to me. their camps' s/a+-ranks should be able to hold just as well without their kings. satans camp is the perfect example of that. chars like minhyeok (who is quite literally mini satan kit-wise lmao), gabriel, leraye, nostalgia leraye, hell even ppyong (the a+-rank ver, not juno lol) are all perfect alternatives for if you dont have satan and that is amazing. we currently dont have that for supports and i genuinely hope thatll change in the future

—

this game is very, VERY far from being at least somewhat balanced in my eyes. i really do wish for the best w this game but man as someone who loves to dissect gameplay down to the numbers, seeing all this gets real frustrating for me from time to time.

anyw thats all for now– this was a bit of a rant more than anything lol

[mbat]

my G5 mane six redesigns! + how they look in my AU. also obv they have how i made them in ponytown beforehand for reference. i talk about my decisions below the cut :p

i changed sunnys cutiemark from 'generic shooting star' to a sign with two overlapping stars because i feel like it fit her whole 'standing up for what she believes and wanting everyone to come together' thing.

i changed hitchs from a cop badge with a horseshoe to being an admittedly rough version of a judges hammer and paw print. hes not a cop in mine because like... no. but he still cares about the law and what hes told is right, and also obviously still has animals following him around just because he exists :p

im not completely satisfied with him, i wanted his hair to be closer to his ponytown counterpart, and i still think the cutiemark could use some work, but it gets the point across. i kept the sash because its a fun accessory and it gives 'kid in school thats always bossing people around to keep in line based on the rules' to me. hall monitor? we didnt have those in my school but hall monitors on tv are similar LOL

i changed zipps from a plain lightning bolt with a crown because like. okay sure shes a princess but she really didnt seem to care much for that role, and she still doesnt care for it in my au. i liked how she was meant to be detective-like so i kept that aspect and gave her a magnifying glass while keeping the lightning bolt within it.

i kept izzys, pipps, and mistys cutiemarks the same. pipp is still a princess-y musical pony, izzy is still a creative DIY queen, and misty is still... well to be completely honest i still cant put her whole thing into words but i still liked the concept so yeah.

i leaned a little bit into their names with some of them. starscout, storm, petals. felt like it wouldve been too much to do it with all of them, especially since not all of them have spots on their legs. and yes, star shaped freckles. mistys freckles are supposed to be butterfly shaped but its hard to do that with them that small...

i kept all their haircolors basically the same even if i changed the hair for basically all of them. i thought it would add a lot to actually have different hair textures and for them to not all be pastel ponies, even if it is the pastel pony franchise. plus i remembered the criticism about how the only pony with actually textured hair was the one working with the villain and how unfair and weird that was.

i wanted pipp to actually still have the same hair shape as her canon counterpart but i couldnt figure out the little bendy part :'] thats on me though

i know mistys hairdye is meant to match her cutiemark, but i kinda didnt like that it just completely covered up her natural hair color, and i liked her natural hair colors so i kept them *and* the dye.

also zipps monocle is literally just cause its like cartoonishly detective-y and i thought it would be cute and dorky. girl who was raised in a castle imitating her favorite detective stories. idk maybe theres one like that in their world cause i thought sherlock in our world had one but i. am realizing i dont think he did. too bad for him

[thetobiroppofan]

one piece rant #4 (i think): the tobiroppo and why i love tjem

one day im going to be famous and whether it be for murder or a simple delusion in my mind it WILL happen one day trust me on this those who read this post. anyways i talk like my business is everyone elses deal cause it IS i mean im posting this to STRANGERS!!! ON THE INTERNET!!! i dont CARE if im judged its the INTERNET. i am THE internet gremlin. ohmygod shoot me for that i change my mind.

anyways this isnt what this post is about (pro tip: if you think youre funny write a script and go animate something i estimate soon we'll be needing the next batch of funny animated youtubers soon like jaiden animations and does anyone remember that one guy with the demon horns?? i think his name was adam smth i used to watch his videos religiously)

I love the tobiroppo if you couldnt tell by my cool awesome username. the tobiroppo are AWESOME. BEST villain group in one piece i dont CARE what anyone says. NO!! I AM NOT INCLUDING KAIDO OR HIS ALL STARS IN THIS. JUST THE TOBIROPPO.

LOOK AT THEM!!! THEYRE AWESOME!!! I LOVE THE TOBIROPPO. I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET THE TOBIROPPO AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT WAS THROUGH DYING I WOULD DIE!!!!!!!! LITERALY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ID DEFINITELY BREAKDOWN UPON SEEING THEM SINCE THEYRE SCARY ASF AND ALSO THEYRE SO COOL!!!!!! BUT ITS SOO WORTH IT!!!!!! HEAVEN HELL BE DAMNED I LOVE THE TOBIROPPO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one day im gonna travel to japan and find eiichiro oda and stalk him until he breaks down and i force him to tell me EVERYTHING about the tobiroppo from all their dynamics with the other members to their least favorite food!! (ALL JOKES!!! I AM NOT GOING TO STALK ODA!!!)

anyways if i had to rank my favorite members to least favorite itd go in an order like this: 1. ULTI MY GOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. BLACK MARIA MY QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PAGE ONE MY MOODY NERDY TEENAGE BOYMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. SASAKI!!!!!!!!!! THE HOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. The racist.

6. X-Drake. (i like him but not as a tobiroppo member he knows his place.)

who's who would be higher than 5 but i am a die hard jinbe fan (i say with the only piece of merch i have of him being a funko figure that holds my house keys) and that fishman racism was NOT!!!!!!!!!! cute.

sasaki shouldve gotten more screentime he was sooo fine i love you sasaki mwa

page one is LITERALLY!!!!!!!! me core (not really but let me be insane oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) also i LOVE that one hc i saw one time where he has a special interest for dinosaurs like thats so real ily page one

black maria is THE cuntiest member of the tobiroppo. like have you SEEN her in the anime AUGH!!!!! THE THINGS ID DO FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS THE GIRLBOSS!!! MOTHER IS MOTHERING!!!!!! CURNTY!!! SINJIN DROWNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ULTI IS MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE THOUGH!!!!!! SHE IS THE TOBIROPPO MEMBER.

THIS SCREENSHOT OF HER IS SO CUTE I LOVE HOW TOEI DREW HER HAIR. ULTIS DESIGN IS ULTIMATELY ONE OF MY FAVORITES FROM THE SERIES ENTIRELY. I LOVE HOW COLORFUL HER HAIR IS AND HOW SHE LOOKS SO CUTE IN HER OUTFIT!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER HAIR TEXTURE AND HOW SHE HAS A CUTE LITTLE AHOGE AnD I LOVE HER LITTLE FLOWER MASK.

ODA!!!!!!!!!

DROP MORE ULTI CONTENT AND MY LIFE IS YOURS.

phew!! sorry gangalang (i say as a 15 year old white boy) i got carried away there. anyways when ulti dies so will i its me and her for LIFE.

i know the tobiroppo members either died or got arrested but in my head theyre living the same reality as the baroque works agents did because im insane over the tobiroppo.

I actually dont even know when this obsession started??? it mightve been when i started one piece which was like a year ago during july '23 (which oh my god?? a year's passed already since last year?? what the FUCK????)

but when i saw the tobiroppo (More specifically, sasaki, he started my obsession) a neuron activated in my brain and ive been OBSESSED with the tobiroppo (and one piece 'by extension' i argue despite having two large one piece posters, like 4 figures, and a stupid ugly law plushie right where i lay my head to sleep. sigh. he terrifies me, the buttsnatcher.)

i think originally my favorite member was sasaki, since i found that greenhaired fishman IRRESTISITIBLE (idk how to spell that word im a bit stupid) and then like idk the rest i dont actually rank my favorites tbh which i really should do in retrospect but its stressful when i have mixed opinions

anyways

i love the height differences between the members its so stupid and funny teehees

Also i need to be honest to you people of the internet but i cant be the only one who thinks page one's mask and hair and hat is like 2020 core

it isnt BAD i think he pulls it off its just when i saw him for the first time i thought "girl 2020 called they want their get up back"

he looks cute though i think he works it yasssssssssssss queen erm give them that nonbinary 2020 dsmp core!!

(I support all lifestyles and I am trans myself, please do not cancel me.)

on another topic i think page one autism hcs are real since like one thing and one thing only: his sit

I love him dont get me wrong, but it is hard to believe that hes any form of neurotypical with this sit. ankles crossed n everything. like my guy has GOT to get that autism diagnosis oh my god.

on another note there is a fly at the foot of my bed and i am going to have a mini heart attack i hate flies so much oh my god tumblr pleease send guns and cannons

i think id die to know the dynamics between ANY of the tobiroppo members outside of page one and ulti because i wonder if any of them were close friends. like

i wonder if they were like some form of friends??? also does EVERY tobiroppo member have some form of tattoo on their torso??

also while writing that i thought "wait a minute"

wake up babe new hc dropped: page one got inspired by who's who to have a chest tattoo of his name when he first joined.

ok thats it honestly i dont have anything else to say this was just a divulgence in my own taste tonight through yapping about nothing specific and just the tobiroppo in general. i really love the tobiroppo genuinely and after this i might make a list of my top 10 favorite one piece characters in general since itd be fun. ok bye gangalang

this is THE tobiroppo fan getting off and remember: i am the tobiroppo's fan trust me on this i love the tobiroppo so much if you see someone claiming to be a bigger fan than me tell me ill follow them back to their house and violently mutilate them (joking! i love you my fellow tobiroppo fans!)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

youngsheldonfan9992

[scourgefrontiers]

oc spotlight: patoto (villainverse)

oh man ok. villainverse patoto. probably one of my favorite ocs ive ever made tbh

he started out as a joke almost, a sort of "what if?" au sorta deal. what if patoto was a villainous saiyan? it sounded like such a fun concept i just had to explore it. and then i came up with this design

which was just SO cool to me i couldnt stop thinking about it. and then before i knew it he became his own character--a patoto from a parallel universe where he was a ruthless warrior, totally opposite from his mainverse counterpart

he developed so fast from there. i gave him a companion that ended up being kinpa, and he developed into kinpa's bodyguard. i gave him a rival that ended up being calabris. i gave him a complicated relationship with his parents, one of which he thought was dead for most of his life (his armor is actually based off of hers to remember her by). his universe grew and his story basically wrote itself i was so obsessed with him and still am

here's his current ref showing how much he's grown

even today im still giving him more development and story! as of right now in the timeline (post-mirrors and post-facets), he has a child with his partner kinpa and his family has grown from just him to a group of six including himself! he's learned to have friends and open his heart to others, and he's gotten so strong im so proud of him.

mirrors would have never existed had i not ran with his concept like i did. his character and story contrasting with mainverse patoto's is just so fun and awesome to me and i've always had fun with it and i feel like i'll continue to have fun with it as well!!

i could honestly keep going about some specific details abt him like his relationship with kinpa and zumeg (both of them) and his father and his kid and. yknow what i will LOL

his relationship with kinpa started as just a bodyguard situation but OF COURSE that developed into an actual partnership bc i love that shit. he was this cold and frankly mean guy that wanted nothing to do with kinpa or being his bodyguard--he hated it. but after getting trapped on earth in a parallel universe, he learned to open up to the idea of having at least one friend and letting himself care about someone for the first time since he was a child.

as for his parents...thats complicated lol. (facets spoilers ahead !!!) his mother zumeg was presumed dead when she didnt return from a battle when he was just a boy, and his father left some time before that, so he was basically raised in an orphanage into adulthood (or at least until he could join the army). he met the mainverse zumeg and that shook him to his core bc she was not only so different but she still cared about him and reminded him what it was like to be loved by his own mother. it wasnt until way later, many many years later, that he decided he wanted to find his father and find out why he left them. after getting that clarification, he chose to give his father a second chance at being part of his life--more for himself than his father, really--and then not long after that he discovered his mother was actually alive, just under someone's control. he saved her, and suddenly he had a family again.

i havent quite developed his story with his kid just yet, but so far what i figure is that he isnt experienced with children at all so he does have a hard time balancing the tough parenting act and the gentle, kind parenting. snake (his son) does feel a pressure to be as great as his father, since he's heard the stories of how he saved the universe before and how he continues to fight and reach new heights. patoto is a little awkward at handling this and has a hard time showing that he's proud of his son and that sort of causes a little tension between them but it eventually works out

basically i love villainverse patoto. a lot. i would die for him actually

[azemthewanderer]

trans tape: first application

okay, my tape arrived today. bright pink like i wanted.

first attempt at application: awful, couldnt figure it out, my meds had not fully kicked in and i was crying on the bathroom floor. wasted two 4 section sheets. friend told me to take a break and i did

Second attempt at application: 3 hours later, meds kicked in. i was more calm, and my expectations were lowered, did still waste tape but not as much. its on, fully. i know that its not on perfectly, that this isnt right in some places. and im not flat. but i am flatter.  and its on. about 3-4 pieces on each side

WHAT I LEARNED/ WHAT I MESSED UP

if you fuck up cutting it, it will curl up. 

it is hard to remove from the paper without stretching it, if anyone has tips for this please share 

it is not going to go well your first time (i knew this going into it. but i was still disappointed during that first attempt.)

you need to pull back to under the armpit,

one side is flatter than the other currently, because i pulled the tape back under the armpit on one side and not the other

it is like, the flatness right now is how it is when you wear a bra that you have stretched out and no longer really fits. like yeah its flat but not super flat.

there is a tightness, which is just cause my body isnt used to it.

it hurts only very slightly in one place but not like a BE WORRIED pain more like a oh this is tight and new pain.

NIPPLE COVERS ARE IMPORTANT BUT ALSO COMFORTABLE 

i should have gotten the large sized tape not the medium

it does not stick to itself

i probably fucked up that under armpit piece actually now that i think about it, the site says dont raise your arms when applying it. WHOOPS but also how else am i gonna put it there

rub the tape after applying it. thats how it sticks. but once you stick it, you cant/shouldn't move it. commit to your stick

OVERALL

i will do better next time i apply it. the real test will be if my mother asks me to put a bra on tomorrow or not. if she needs to send me out to do something. i am leaving it on for a while i think. it is actually quite comfortable i do want my body to get used to it though.

[im-smart-i-swear]

If funky guys had become paladins of voltron which one would be in which Lion?

back in the VERY early days of this whole au(like. buddys-name-was-still-ryou early) i wanted to base every clones personality/character on a diffrent lion.... but over time it slowly stopped fitting their personalities and i kinda abandoned the concept lol. though you can still see some remnants of that in . certain design choices...

going back to this concept after uhhh two years?? i think? was definetely interesting! all the characters changed WILDLY since then and i tried to re-assign the lions to fit the changes........ it was surprisingly hard

i couldnt for the life of me decide in a few cases, so instead im just gonna give the most suitable options lol

tashi & soup - im putting these two together beacuse- and i have NO IDEA how that would work- theyre copiloting the black lion! they function the best as a duo and separating them would NOT be a good idea in a situation as stressful and complicated as piloting voltron. they barely manage to keep everyone alive on a good day... also picking only one of the two as The Leader just feels wrong

buddy, ideally, would like to stay as FAR AWAY from voltron as psyhically possible, thank you very much- but nothing in this cruel world is ideal, so they get the red lion:) i actually have this whole story idea where basically stickbug ""goes rouge""(like. some sort of 'sleeper agent mode' left over by haggar gets activated by accident??) and runs away to do some evil shit so buddy goes after him(on a whim)(alone)(without telling the others) and while searching for him they bump into fUCKING VOLTRON- so they form a very uneasy truce until they find stick. and at some point buddy finds out he can pilot the red lion! its awful he hates it:/ he pilots anyway cause his loved one is in danger(this whole thing is way too complicated to talk about here lol)

i had A LOT of problems figuring out the last three..... they changed so much that i just cant rlly fit them into these categories anymore... but i tried!!

ORIGINALLY stickbug was supposed to be based on the green lion but he doesnt fit it as well anymore....... i think taks does pretty well tho! shes very bold and iquisitive and a pain in everyones ass<3 plus loves learning about diffrent planets' unique ecosystems n stuff. stick IS very curious and likes exploring so he still kinda fits? but hes not as forward as taks, so yeahhhh im very torn on this one

i have NO FUCKING CLUE what to do with blue. all three of em could propably fit there ngl....

yellow could either be taka or stickbug- taka is the youngest and the brightest, hes what brought all of them together in the first place(it takes a village to raise a child)....... buuuut hes not really a 'puts the needs of others above his own' kind of person? hes still a kid and NOT ready for that kind of responsibility. soup is an OBVIOUS choice here of course, but im not sure- honestly, the more i think about it, the more stickbug starts to feel like the best option here? ok hear me out: stickbug, for most of his life, had very little power over his life. even while with the funky guys(ESPECIALLY in the beggining, these bozos were dysfuctional as fuck) there were moments when the others would talk over him bc 'hes a kid', and even without that theres still his people pleasing problem wnich meant he often disregarded his own good to make other ppl content. so, taking this scrawny guy desperate for control over his life and putting him in the toughest, stongest, most resilient lion- basically i think he deserves to go a little apeshit. as a treat. let him wreck shit for once

honestly it kinda funny im stting here and calculating all of this like a mad man where IN THE ACTUAL SHOW the paladins switch the lions like pokemon cards

realistically speaking i think they would all trade and switch em a lot and then squabble over who gets to pilot yellow bc they ALL want to wreck shit sometimes:)

[youngpettyqueen]

🌈

🌈 "is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?"

I think I mentioned this somewhere but you would not believe how hard it was to set the scene and tone for what do you do with a drunken major?

I will often have trouble with beginning and ending fics because the main idea I have is usually in the middle. this fic was one such example except I knew the middle and the end. I knew what the point of this fic was, I knew where I wanted it to get to, I just couldnt for the life of me figure out how to actually start it

since I know ive talked about this before ill go into more detail on some of the deleted stuff cause there was. a lot. the original original concept for this fic was going to be much more comedic, with Charles coming in from the Officer's Club while Hawkeye and BJ were still awake, and immediately dropping himself onto Hawkeye and dragging him down into bed. the ending for that was going to be Hawkeye unable to escape while BJ just laughed and shut the lights off for the night. I didnt mind this, but it didnt feel right, so I scrapped the whole thing

after that I decided I wanted it to JUST be Hawkeye and Charles. there were a bunch of drafts that had Hawkeye having to practically drag Charles all the way back to the Swamp from Rosie's, and Charles just yanking Hawkeye into bed with him. then there was them both drunk and coming in from the Officer's Club, and it just sort of happening without them thinking much of it. but those didnt vibe well with me, they were fine they just weren't what I wanted, and I decided to try and hit it from a more shippy angle with some sweetness to it, and thats when I finally got the vibe I was going for

still took a few tries! I ran through those same versions again before finally settling on the one I published. but for such a short fic where, really, nothing happens, it gave me a shocking amount of trouble. I think I was expecting it to write up easily like how like a dog did, but when that comedic tone of like a dog didnt match my vision, I was left not knowing how to set my scene and my tone. im ultimately very happy with the result, its probably one of my favourite things ive ever written, but yeah you would not look at that fic and think it was particularly hard to write when I in fact spent... at least a couple weeks agonizing over it

[spikeinthepunch]

Penrose: Dawning- the dev blog

Okay well my game has been up for a few days now, and the Jam is over so yeah, why not give a massive blog about it and the development and characters and feelings etc.

again this was quite a feat for me, so to say. as small as the game is. ive been struggling a ton for years and years, so the process and experience has stuck with me for the last month.

The personal

If you have followed and read some of my posts from the last month youd probably seen me talking about having seen a neurophysiologist-- my appointments for that were happening for quite a while before this month but this month was the end of it. Aside from it clearly being a huge stressor in general, it was also a huge eye opener to my problems. Which yeah, include my ability to Make Things. Not art- but everything else. The listening & reading comprehension, math and memory I tested on being really really bad. And it was great to understand that now! but having decided to take on the Jam was a lot and well, even though on one hand i felt good that I knew my issues.... it didn't mean i solved my issues. Now i was just way more away of them.

So, I tried my hardest I think because I knew I'd always give up on this stuff. And well, my mood meds were still kinda helping. I think there was a different kind of determination despite the upset that some of those tests caused me. Still, I faced a lot of anxiety, frusteration, and upsetting feelings in the process because of how hard it was for me to learn even the smallest things. I won't go super hard on that-- I just want to appreciate the small community of Narrat for being able to help and clarify my confusion even if I'd often say to myself "ugh, that was such a simple thing! i shouldnt need to get it clarified two times over!" etc etc.

still despite the variety of emotions i faced i came out of this really thinking 'wow i actually made something' because literally all these years i have never realized a larger project due to my issues. so for that i can be happy.

The development

the process of making this game was interesting because obvious i had never put my assumptions about the best way to develop to the test. i could think all the while "ill do this first, this second etc" but until you start making it you may realize you gotta do something else!

the fact this was only a month long didnt really give me much time to figure out better ways to develop, it i was already a ways into it. so i came out realizing what i could do diffferent. one thing for sure is i know i couldnt start with art. its just not possible in general to predict the art i would need clearly, because even if i were to write a lot, i felt that making dialog branches was much easier while i was coding because i never knew how far i would want them to go.

but also, in terms of writing- i already write a lot and i kinda have my mental process. getting that to work with the game was tough, and while i liked how i wrote for this game, i feel like it faltered in the sense that writing so many bits of it entirely away from each other had my struggling to make sure i felt connected. like, writing on one huge document allows me to easily refer back and having it all together makes it flow well in my head. but having them scattered around code was hard for me to track and i was never sure if it all felt like it connected up well. i also think in general if i wrote most of the important chunks- stuff not incredibly reliant on branches/choices- that i probably would have written waaaay more too. its just a format of writing that is natural.

there isnt too much as i did in the game coding wise so i dont have too many comments on development process. but i know i would like to make games in narrat that use the typical features found in games like DE (as the engine was inspired by), like stats/skills and maybe inventory depending on the thing.

The story & design

i dont plan to explain the story in detail here (a lot of secret context it on my discord) and i have talked loads about trying to write the themes its tackled.

the main thing about it is just that i have never properly realized Penrose and well. I was facing a creative block this last month which caused more struggles. But it was harder with art- mostly design. coming up with a design is harder in a block than reading a thing that says "draw a series of houses". thinking up something new is not easy. and my head also gets very stuck up in "if you design this and draw it, you can never change it".

Eden was pulled from my old unused RP character, Eden Creature, and so i was able to base her off something already. even so making anything at all was hard- even for Mick who already existed. I really didnt want her and Eden to revert back into my old style because its just no me anymore but at the same time i do want to get something unique for this story. Dawning does not reflect what I want exactly. I like what i managed to do esp in working with my time constraints. but, its not something i want to keep doing going forward.

the story was WAY more condensed than i thought it would be and its because i didnt really realize how quickly approaching the deadline was compared to my work. but at the same time i am glad it was? i was quite ambitious with how big i wanted this "proof of concept" to be, to where i definitely probably would have gotten farther in the plot and realized i had no clue exactly what I wanted.

because i do have a general idea of this story but not like. enough. and so shortening the story hugely for this demo was actually a good thing because i would have had to write a lot more and also probably wouldnt have been able to explain lore well enough because of how little i understood my own world. and when youre creative blocked its incredibly hard trying to development of that world too.

conclusion

i mentioned it breifly in a blog post but tbh the most scary part is having it hit that i am nervous has to how people will take my characters. not in a criticism kinda way but just the idea that people just wont really 'get' them. and even just the idea that my OCs have been "presented to the world" in some sense. i do stuff in my own little space all the time and never think about what it would really be like to put a game on itch.io or even like publish a proper animation on youtube or publish a book or something. its different and its weird because i have always thought to myself that i want people to see my OCs! but then i put it up in a place where it likely will be seen and I am afraid of that.

its probably for it being a first time. and also i need to learn confidence in this kind of work i was so into thinking i could never truly make because of my issues. this was still like, very very hard to do mentally etc and i feel very exhausted. but i really dont want this to be the first and last time i try and make something.

[evildykeserket]

i Think that none of the guardians were that great Not because they are inherently bad people but because of the circumstances surrounding them. they took measures that They thought would protect their kids which backfired. but just because there were Good Intentions doesnt mean their actions were Good and forgiveness is a tricky thing bc its. well its Hard when you have a shitty guardian whos bad because Their circumstances were bad and you have to weigh. Can I Forgive You?

and ultimately thats hard to say because it really Does depend on the person. and its like. yea you fucked me up even if you didnt Mean to and i still love you but. you know.

and this goes for All guardians even if you think some of their actions were more morally reprehensible than others.

bro - well he severely fucked up with the fighting / physical abuse / general unsafe enviroment with porn, weapons, etc. he was also being mind corrupted by a fucked demon puppet. he just wanted dave to be strong enough to fill the knight role and made him Hate the concept of being a hero.

mom - negligence mainly. im Not counting the alcohol abuse as a Moral Failure but rather a consequence of knows the world is going to end, she cant do anything to stop it, they Are doomed. it still had bad consequences with rose growing up in that environment and falling into the same habits. she gave rose everything she wanted to an Extreme degree that just made it stifling to like anything.

grandpa - he was dead which. isnt necessarily his fault lmao? but the isolation to people, house full of dangerous weapons and such. the isolation was because the batterwitch, if she knew he had a child she Would have been all over jade [female heir type - she let jake go cause he was a guy etc etc] and he was also the Most involved with the game. he just Couldnt be there, wasnt supposed to survive.

dad - his problem is that, he supports his kid but they dont Talk. he recognizes the situation is Not Good and grieves for his mother but doesnt tell john Anything to protect him - even going go far as to lie about how nanna died. he Watches john and can recognize his surroundings [what movies he likes, the writings on his walls] but never actually Talked with him. inherent misunderstandings.

i think out of all of them, jade and june would forgive more easily just by. Not recognizing that anything was ever off. but they [jade probably] would eventually make peace even if theres a lot of anger and grief involved, just because shes used to that. june is. complicated because she has the 'best of it all' and would struggle the most with it. if they could have one honest conversation i think they would be fine but that obviously cant happen. not even with a Different version of her dad.

dave i dont think would ever forgive his brother and i dont think thats a bad thing. sometimes its better to just let go, its in the past and no amount of what ifs can ever change that. it would probably affect his relationship with dirk though and That would take a while to. not fix but come to terms with if that makes sense. rose is. Also. very complicated in the same reason as june since their home lives Very mirror each other. although she has the chance to talk with roxy and figure out Why she did what she did. i think she heavily goes back and forth on 'i understand and forgive her' and 'she never Talked with me, its her fault our relationship was messed up. i was a child' and they can co-exist.

thats my thoughts at the very least. trauma and trauma recovery is a very tricky subject and theres no black and white of it. and its even Harder to talk about all together cause its like. oh yea they had it Worse so why are you talking about this? when its not. about that. they were all stuck in the same shitty circumstances.

and i want to go into separate posts for each, especially june and rose but Also they Are parallels of eachother so you Do have to talk with. With each other. of course its Not Direct Parallels but general rule of thumb:

rose ~ june

dave ~ jade

either way thats it for now i hope this actually made sense lmao oh god i havent even gotten into the alpha kids and how they would play into this. well i did a little bit but thats Also an important step for them in dealing with their trauma [exception for june] and of course, the other way around with the alpha kids and Their guardians. havent gotten to them yet so ill hold off for now

[emetkoto]

what would emet and k'oto get each other for [insert whatever the ff equivalent of christmas is here]?

YEAHHHH STARLIGHT GIFTS!!!!!!! I think for sure by the time starlight rolls around that the weather in the first has returned full force and theyve entered their first winter in 100 years and since there hasnt really been weather there before k'oto doesnt exactly have any warmer clothes with him and sure he could go home and grab stuff but thats precious time he could be spending on hes always very afraid of the time between shards drifting again and potentially losing years so hes like 'mmm.. i will survive the cold against my will but only when i have to' which is fine and good he can handle it during the day but at night when emet-selch comes to spend time with him hes always like 'maybe we can just stay in tonight its so cold :(' and at first its fine but emet-selch wants to go out and take him places and show him things and spend time with him somewhere other than the stuffy inn so i think he would make him a nice warm new outfit!! smth similar to his current style but nice and thick and fur lined so he can handle the nighttime chill better <3 ofc its armored too so he can wear it during his daytime missions too but its mostly for the sake of their dates <3 hes still working on figuring out a solution to keeping the kitty ears warm that doesnt irritate them or cause k'otos hearing to be muffled hehe

as for what k'oto would get emet-selch.....honestly i think he would have a really hard time coming up with something? He would for sure overthink it just going in circles like 'hes immortal hes seen and owned everything at least once what could he possibly want what can i give him that wont make him roll his eyes'....realistically though even if he might find some things silly emet-selch would appreciate anything k'oto could give him! he may jokingly huff and puff about it but he'd be sure to sort of lay off it a bit so k'oto can easily tell that he's thankful without giving himself away too much hehe.....i have it written that for either valentiones or k'otos nameday (which k'oto decided was also emets nameday bc he couldnt remember his actual one) k'oto goes out and digs up an old rare bottle of wine as a gift since emet-selch strikes me as a wine aunt type but you can only come across smth like that so many times...augh its so hard to decide! i understand how k'oto must feel ueue....maybe he could ask feo ul to help him practice his ballroom dancing and prepare a nice meal inside the castle so he and emet could have a nice romantic evening there and he could make up for all the times they tried to have cute dances but k'oto stepped on emets feet or tripped over his own and ruined the moment!!!

bonus: i started doodling this outfit and got carried away and started rendering it despite not ever doing that in my life so enjoy warm cat

[marijkeoo]

my friend tried to kill herself and we crack jokes in the hospital room about the causes and effects and i love her but goddamn was it hard to stay awake i thought i was going to throw up after that spicy marg but i didnt and she kept drinking and now its all gone ive fallen off the horse but im still running beside it and i hope that i can get a second to breathe soon i couldnt recognize myself in the mirror on monday and i got up anyways and went to class i think i might have some kind of weird relationship with food but ive been eating scones with soft butter even though its so expensive and ive been healing i think my sister is still so incredibly stupid but at least i dont have to hear about it all the time and get unreasonably upset about the fact that we dont talk anymore and nothing ever changes but nothing stays the same my friend from back home is ghosting me even though we live a mere 10 minute bus ride away and it hurts i think even though i dont really think about her much my roommate is going back to toronto and might drop out but ive done it too and i think that everything will all work out itll all work out itll all work out itll all work out my parents are coming in two days and i wont tell them i want to sleep and im so aimless but i will say that i love the city and i love living here and im grateful every day for my life even if i wake up at 1pm after getting home at 6 and i miss my classes and its not even that i learn anything i just love a ritual and i was going to go get a job today but i think it has to wait another little bit and i have work to do but i think maybe its ok to eat some tinned fish and let my hair dry i never used to shower in the morning but now i dont always shower at night i want to be like the elif batuman character and go for runs and pretend everything is fine and study linguistics but then discover nothing can explain our little chatty quirks and give it up and study something so much better i.e. philosophy but i skipped the linguistics part and went straightt into this degree that i think i love but also i didnt really have a choice i need to pay for school next semester but i cant figure out how to believe that i can get money somehow i dont think ill ever be famous but maybe people can know me a little bit i have to be on the radio hosting a show soon but i cant force myself to want to actually forcing myself to do anything nowadays is so fucking hard but ive never had a mental illness and i think im too dutch to linger on myself too much i have this thing that i say all the time to my friends and i repeat it to myself it the mirror "you think too much about yourself" and i havent cried in six to eight months properly but i think i might pick it up as a hobby maybe i just need a hobby ive been reading a french translation of a milan kundaris book (rip king) and the woman roughly says "why do men never give what i give in return" and she says this to her partner and he wonders why she thinks this because its really fuckin stupid to him and he says "you know what i think about? war." and i thought that was really funny and i laughed out loud on the metro and the days are getting colder and the burning of limbs doesnt happen quite as bad and the burn is just skin or whatever and i type with these long red nails i stole from the drug store and im relearning how to speak and talk and interact with people even though i think im a linguistic terestrial bipedal animal and i saw a cool show on monday and only got five hours of sleep and i play euchre and sometimes i win and i just cant believe that she tried to kill herself but at least she came and woke me up if she died without letting me know i wouldve been really upset and i really dont tend towards emotion if you couldve heard the 911 call i made you would think that im a robot and my friend said i sounded like one in the hospital room last night i think that i need a little handycam and to get better and out of this rut im always in a rut it seems

also i just remebered that wherever you go you bring yourself with you and this is significant because i never feel at home anywhere i am i always feel alien im always an alien i need to become a professor at small liberal arts universities in rural canada and move every two years because i dont know how someone could stay where they are for longer than that i love this life that i have but i need to restart pretty regularly but im stuck here for at least two years then i move and go to winnipeg or saskatoon or calgary or up north maybe i go to yukon or iqualuit and i do a masters then i go to europe for a doctorate and come back parading around because i finally made my grandma happy and i send postcards and i tell my friends ill see them later because later is indefinite and saying see you in five years sounds gross and sad but later is always sometime sooner it feels and i want to be a ghost i need to be a ghost i want to wander into peoples lives and leave them but sometimes drop back in just to say hello over coffee and hour before i need to be at the airport my isolation feels key to my mission on earth and although i dont talk to God all the time i think i feel him residing in my soul and i know that my soul infuses everything i touch and if i ever get married it needs to be a tall protestant dutch man whos nice to me and likes to be around me and i dont know if ill ever find a man like that but desires not a crime my life is spinning out i need to smoke a dart but i dont want to spend money on cigs i have a matchbook i stole from a bar and i think we should bring back lighting belmonts with matches its so rare we get to hold fire in our hands the smoke pit is a gift if your a bullshitter like me i heard that run clubs are the new dating apps but i think that running with people usually sucks and having anyone i could potentially be interested in see me like that would give them the ick and i think its good to be alone, at least until summer when i can go sit on a patio and drink a light beer my friend showed me coffee tonics and i think i could die happy if i had one in my hand all the time and i have a pink moka pot and life always works out for me because every day on this earth is another day that i get to drink my coffee and eat tuna and see little dogs and sit in the library and sunbathe in the park and listen to amy winehouse and exist in a moment

[howdy-is-canon]

ok SO…………… imagine a world where howard and andy met while howard and carolyn were still together.

we have to think about the stage of howard's life that he was in at this time: he does NOT know that he's aro OR ace, so, uh, this changes a lot already because beforehand, he had already split up with carolyn, and had realised he was aroace, prior to meeting andy, which is why he ends up helping andy to realise his identity also. this doesn't necessarily need to change cuz howard can still realise hes aroace, break up with carolyn, and thru discussions and coming to terms with it himself, this would still help andy to come to the same conclusion about himself. i do think it's harder for andy to figure it out for himself considering he's not been in a relationship as such, ever, so it's one of those, “maybe i haven't found the right person” or “maybe i just need to experience it to understand” things… 

anyway let us consider the DYNAMICS here because…. much to consider here… it does resemble a sort of love triangle, if we're gonna be typical and romantic, but i feel this situation is neither of those things, so, lol. this is a dude in a relationship with a friend he's never been attracted to out of a feeling of obligation, realising he's a whole other orientation, ending it, and simultaneously building a friendship with someone else, and over a course of months to years coming to realise the kind of relationship that would work for him that happens to be with this guy. not like, sorry carolyn, i met someone else. lol. it would have ended regardless.

so anyway… probably howard DOES tell carolyn like, oh i trained up someone new today, he's called andrew, he seems nice but terrified. carolyn probably jokes about howard being the one to scare him, on account of his :| vibes, and howard admits he wasn't thrilled to have to train someone and it may have come across at first but he decided he likes this guy and hopes he didnt make him feel bad……… 🥺 

so two things are happening here: howard and andy are building a friendship, goofing around, laughing about carrot pants; and howard and carolyn are. i dunno. not doing that. i think they've been getting on fine but everything kind of immediately changed when they went from friends to “dating” and he felt pressure to be a certain kind of person to her now, what is a boyfriend, what do boyfriends do, am i being affectionate enough, etc. which he kind of blamed on Society or something at first before he realised most people WANT to do those things and aren't secretly lamenting them. and, gasp, that's why they form romantic relationships. 

AND. okay this feels bad. but when i was with tom i never mentioned him to people. my family obviously knew and i did sometimes talk about him, but not much, and mostly for functional purposes lol. i remember i was working at pearson the year i met louie when me and tom broke up, and i remember telling tom about louie, but i couldnt bring myself to say the word “boyfriend” out loud so i never mentioned tom to louie LOL uhh……. i can see howard just never really bringing up that he has a girlfriend until they break up. tbh. and probably he's acting spaced out at work after it happens, and andy's like, hey what's up. and howard is like umm. it's hard to explain.

and he's probably like. idk if they talk about it AT work, maybe andy asks howard at lunch or, when they're just standing around at some point lol. somewhere a little more private ya know, in the back. i know how supermarkets work……… and howard's like ok so…… i was kind of… in a relationship… i know it's probably weird that i didnt mention it before now, but it's because, umm. okay, this is gonna sound crazy, (it's fine, says andy) but, ok, we were friends in school, right, and i don't really know why that changed, because i don't think i ever actually saw her as anything else, but, i mean it was her that… expressed an interest… and i guess i just went along with it ‘cause that's how it goes, or so i thought, and it's a bit stupid really ‘cause we were actually really good friends until then. and like, i don't know if we will be again. now. ‘cause, fair enough, she didn’t take it very well.

andy: what did you tell her…?

howard: dunno, i just fuckin’, uh, had a mental breakdown or something and she kind of got the picture. (he’s kind of laughing at himself in a bemused way lol) … and then she asked me if i was gay. and i'm like, i don't fuckin’ know. i don't think i'm anything.

andy: that seems a weird thing to ask.

howard: well, okay. don't think anything of this, but, i don't make friends very often, so the fact i've brought you up a handful of times in conversation is apparently a good reason to think i've been secretly gay this whole time. which if i am, then it's a secret to me an’ all.

andy: wait, did i come up in your break-up conversation with your girlfriend?

howard: look, it's her that brought it up. (he kinda shrugs and holds his hands up here)

andy: no, it's fine, just… (i think andy is trying not to laugh here. very serious conversation.) it feels a bit like i'm part of a love triangle or something. 

howard: yeah, ya homewrecker. it's all your fault.

andy: i will not be held responsible for this!

howard: nah. it would've ended anyway.

andy: you're still making it sound like i had anything to do with this.

howard laughs at this. an exasperated little chuckle. i was going to say he runs a hand through his hair but this is, in fact, buzzcut era howard we're talking about. probably he just rubs his fuzzy head a bit lol.

howard: no, i know.

andy: are you doing okay, though?

howard: yeah… it's all good. thanks. sorry to bring you into it.

andy: don't be! i asked.

howard: yeah, but, just the stuff carolyn said about you.

andy: well that was her, not you. but i'd rather know about it than not.

howard: okay. fair.

i guess it trails off after this. but more conversations will be had i am sure. andy would check in with howard the next time they see each other. at some point there would be a conversation about howard's guilt over not being what carolyn wanted, and he felt “like a right dickhead” for pulling the whole it's not you it's me, thing, but it literally IS him and not her, it's what HE lacks. and andy says something about how howard doesnt owe anyone feelings he simply does not have and it's kind of absurd to think otherwise. 

as for how howard and carolyn's relationship is faring at this point — probably they've occasionally messaged each other and intended to stay friends. after the initial upset i think she does say she just had to process it and it's not his fault he feels like he does, but she doesn't understand why he ever thought it was a good idea to start going out if he never felt that way about her. he's been unpacking this himself before this conversation. he says he just liked her, and cared about her, and he thought that's what that was, and had nothing else to compare it to. he says, he doesn't want her to think he didn't care about her just because it wasn't in the right way. he's probably getting a little bit upset, a little bit agitated at this point. at the way he is. at how it just could never have worked, and it's his fault.

i actually don't know at what point the words aromantic or asexual first come up. i've had it that howard was the first one to adopt these labels, although he's less of a googler than andy, but it makes sense because stan's his brother and he's up to date on all the lingo and his friend rees is aroace don't you know. and howard does talk to stan about things. perhaps in more detail than with andy at this point since they hadn't really known each other for that long yet.

i think i still like it how it was; howard figures it out, tells andy at some point, bla bla bla, time passes. thoughts are percolating in andy's brain. months go by, he's started university, he's feeling how different he is to everyone (it's the autism, baby! get ready!), there's that thing about that guy who tries to flirt with him and he tells him he's already taken cuz he doesn't want to straight up reject the guy, and maybe a little bit for clout (he thinks, okay, well i have no friends here but at least they will know that i have someone outside of this place!)... and howard does come over a few times, and he is assumed to be the boyfriend, and i dont know yet how andy ends up explaining this one, but i think howard has a grand old time pretending to be andy's boyfriend lol. 

perhaps……… in classic sitcom fashion…… this leads to howard playing the part, putting an arm around andy, messing up his hair, giving him a widdle kiss on his widdle head 👉👈 and this is how they kind of get used to these casual touches. and maybe, just maybe, andy is SO touch-starved, and howard is kind of lamenting how these kinds of interactions seem to be exclusive content reserved only for those in romantic relationships. and maybe they talk about it a little bit. maybe they shyly admit to each other how they think it feels kinda nice. and maybe andy clarifies he's never felt any romantic feelings for anyone either, he is pretty sure, just in case howard was worried about that. and maybe the fake-dating scenario is actually the catalyst for all of Howdy. imagine that. wwooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaauuuuhkghg dying noises

also not sure how carolyn sits within all of this. i'm sure her and howard are talking a lot less, but still talking. probably they meet up now and again, as before. it seems okay, but howard probably actually finds it really hard to bring up andy, because! now i see the drama. if she realises howard and andy end up in some kind of a committed relationship, regardless of whether it's romantic or platonic or whatever the hell, i feel she may lose her mind lol. she’d probably be retrospectively filling in the blanks of what led to her and howard's ultimate demise, even though as i said, it really did not have anything to do with andy and would’ve always happened. but she would blame it on andy and think howard a liar. i imagine it could turn into a bit of a fight. she's calling him a liar and saying she felt bad for him and all this time it WAS because he met someone else. and howard is riled by this and asks WHY she felt bad for him, is it because he can't feel romantic love? does that make him worthless? is that the only thing that makes a person worth anything? 

(insert moses sumney “doomed” lyrics because im still insane about that song: if lovelessness is godlessness, will you cast me to the wayside? well i feel the peeling of half-painted ceilings reveal the covering of a blank sky)

(in fact another moses sumney lyric, from “don't bother calling”, which kind of encapsulates howard's guilt around not being enough for carolyn: i don't know what we are, but all i know is i can't go away with you with half a heart)

(i need a separate document just for moses sumney lyrics. but like. howard before he finds his little situation with andy mood, from “me in 20 years”: i'm left wondering if it's written on my urn that i'd burn alone like a star

(btw this is not howard's kind of music but i think andy would like it and i think it would absolutely murder him lyrically, and then he would show it to howard and it would murder howard as well. lol. anyway literally not relevant right now.)

umm… so maybe this is the bitter end of howard's friendship with carolyn, probably not, but at least it can never be how it was again. there is the potential for carolyn to learn and understand, but i don't know if this happens while they are friends. as i say, once howard unpacks some trauma, i think that carolyn not Getting It is not the biggest issue anymore. i think seeing her after this point would literally send him into some kind of a panic attack honestly. 

we know that at some point howard and andy decide to explore some intimate acts LOL i’m such a prude just say sex. but not really tho. they don't get very far. anyway i don't know if this is the trigger for the delayed-onset ptsd or no. i mean, probably? which means that howard and carolyn could have been friends still for several years until he simply has to cut ties with her. but perhaps it's been tapering off anyway. he's probably been feeling kind of weird about it for a long time and probably somewhere deep in the bowels of his mind he has known that he’s only been continuing their friendship to compensate for how he couldn't be the thing that she wanted, and he thinks he at least owes it to her to be a good friend. he's just like me fr.

and then… and then… i think that’s enough for now