#is when I ate the last 3 or so fucking potatoes in the pan

[cryptablog]

If people just spoke instead of assuming and made that normal no one would ever have to assume ever again and Nobody would be unjustly angry or disapointed.

[skellebonez]

(kicks door down) INVERTED AU WITH PROMPT 72, SPECIFICALLY WITH MK

I’m not going to write out the ENTIRE TikTok so just. Watch an enjoy the madness that is B Dylan Hollis. It will make this fill so much more entertaining.

Don’t you dare.

Had it not been even a few weeks ago things would be almost completely on their normal “regular day with no special plans” schedule. Wake up, work, hang out with Pigsy and Tang, get Mei to have some fun, run off to Mount Huaguo for training with Sun Wukong, make sure the immortal Monkey King is taking care of himself, go home and sleep (a few gaps between each in case he needed to chuck a water bottle or granola bar at any of his friends and make sure they weren’t overworking themselves and if he came across anyone who needed his special brand of, as Macaque once called it, “aggressive self care affection”).

But no. Oh no. This was not a few weeks ago.

This was now, not even a month after the Lunar New Year Festival. Not even a month after he was finally introduced to the rest of Spider Queen’s family- plus one not so accidental addition who had decided it would be a fantastic idea to experiment on himself for funsies and “oops all spiders”.

Said addition stood, or rather half stood and half reclined on the mechnical legs protruding from his back, diligently typing away at his computer. The same computer he hadn’t stepped away from except to take a shower earlier in the day.

17 hours ago.

“Syntax,” MK said with the most gentle warning tone he could muster... which, to anyone unfamiliar with MK would sound like he spoke the human turned spider demon’s name like a threat. “Please tell me you have eaten more than a single calorie bar today.”

“I have eaten more than a single calorie bar today,” the scientist assured with a barely thrown over his shoulder smile in the younger man’s direction.

“Ok g-”

“I ate 2.”

The proud look on Syntax's face, as if he had figured out the loophole to end all loopholes, was a stark contrast to MK's expression of angry horror.

"You can't just eat TWO CALORIE BARS, Syntax!" He shouted, grabbing the scientist by his lab coat sleeve before starting to drag him out of the laboratory. If anyone was there to witness this they would find this feat impressive given how Syntax dug his mechanical legs into the floor in protest.

"I have survived on these so far and I will conti-"

"Survived, yeah, as a human," MK noted as he realized the other was simply allowing him to lead him along without a fight in the least. "But you're a spider demon... cyborg... guy now, you need more sustenance than that. And you needed more before!"

"3 bars?"

"NO MORE OF THE FUCKING BARS!"

The moment Syntax shrunk back in reaction to MK’s yelling the Monkie Kid took his chance and gripped the scientist’s sides and tossed the man over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes before breaking out into a sprint down the halls of Spider Queen’s lair.

“Don’t you dare!” Syntax yelped, attempting to free his arms or move his spider legs but gave up on the later and instead retracted them out of fear he might accidentally harm his captor. “I have work to finish, young man!”

“You can’t finish if you die of malnutrition, I’m teaching you how to cook!”

As they ran toward the entrance they passed Spider Queen who, upon realizing what was happening, gave them a calm wave and a smile.

“Make sure to have him back in time for you to get home before dark, MK!”

“EVEN MY QUEEN IS BETRAYING ME!”

~

Syntax eventually gave in. After all, despite his new enhancements he was still no match for the sheer strength of the Monkey King himself in the hands of a very determined young man with a hard line stance on self care.

And somehow this man decided he should be deposited in... his kitchen.

In front of a phone set up like... a camera.

Huh.

“Uh-”

“Hold that thought!” MK said, positioning Syntax just out of sight as he grabbed a cook book and hit record. “A bean PIE from the 1920s! Today we’re doing something different-” he reached over and grabbed Syntax’s arm, pulling him into frame without even a single change in his expression. “Today I have an assistant because SOMEONE doesn’t know how to EAT NUTRITION and needs more Vitamin B.”

As he let go of the scientist’s arm he turned to him, face as serious as a miscalculated formula when a project was due in 1 hour.

“OK, you’re the science dude. Let me tell you something from experience,” MK grabbed the cook book, holding it up. “Cooking IS science. And this science insists that BEANS can be made into a PIE which I think is bullshit and I am going to prove on camera. Until you learn how to eat things that aren’t instant bars, you are going to join me on my cooking science experiments. Understood?”

Truth me told, Syntax didn’t see the appeal in cooking. It was far too much hassle for something as basic as nutritional supplements you could acquire from far easier means that did not involve making a mess you had to clean up later... but...

The idea that cooking could be a science... that he had never considered before. And MK seemed to be pretty well convinced that he was correct in this assertion. This was part of why Syntax had, for a while now, considered reaching out to him with an offer of becoming his assistant. His tenacity and determination was something that was a great asset in the field of scientific discovery after all! And well...

If making a weird pie could get him into the young man’s good graces...

“Where do we start?”

~

MK held up a bowl of beans to the camera. “Now these took a long bath last night-” he turned to Syntax. “-I’ll splice in some footage from earlier here later-TIME TO COOK EM!”

~

“The pot,” Syntax noted, pointing to the pot on MK’s stove that had begun to over boil.

“AAGH!” MK yelped, sliding over from where he was grabbing his mixer. “BEAN REBELLION!”

~

“Eggie,” MK chuckled out, cracking an egg into the mixing bowl with the rest of the ingredients.

“How many eggs does it call for?” Syntax asked, trying to make sense out of the madness he was being witness to.

“How many? I don’t know, it just says EGGS.” MK gestured to the cookbook before them as if it has just insulted Pigsy himself to MK’s face.

~

“FORE!” MK yelled, closing his eyes and turning on the blender as Syntax held a frying pan in front of himself in preparation for disaster.

And disaster came... just not in the way either expected, as the blender sputtered and just.... stopped.

“... did you just kill my blender?” MK turned the knob on it, shaking it and tapping it gently. “HELLO?”

He shook it harder, twisting and turning the knob on the front wildly before he broke down into laughter. “THE BEANS KILLED MY BLENDER.” MK crossed his arms on the counter, laying his head down on them as he devolved into equally amused and annoyed cackles. “This has never happened before, how the hell!?”

“Well...” Syntax looked around, finding an induction blender sitting half buried on the opposite side of the counter. “Will this work?”

~

Finally. After waiting for the pie to bake. It was done.

A piece sat on a plate before both men, looking both intimidating and somehow delectable at the same time. But both were well away this concoction was primarily sugar, cinnamon, and BEANS. They looked at each other for a moment before nodding, each taking a fork full of the pit before shoving it into their mouths expecting the worst.

MK looked at Syntax as they chewed. Then the camera. Then he started to laugh through his bite as Syntax’s face went on a journey from “this tastes good” to “HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS TASTE GOOD”.

“Nothing makes sense anymore,” he moaned, gesturing to the pie slice before him as he began to laugh in disbelief.

“WHY ARE YOU GOOD?” Syntax asked, shaking his plate slightly. “You have a bag of BEANS in you!”

MK laughed harder, needing to put his plate on the counter as he needed to hold his sides from the pain of trying not to laugh louder than he was.

“This is like if tomato soup made a cake that tasted like chocolate!”

“I-It!” MK wheezed, holding up one hand to get the scientist’s attention. “It has!”

“I’M SORRY- WHAT!?”

~

“Yes? Oh, that’s fine dear! Yes, as long as he has somewhere to sleep and I know where he is- ... yes, we would love to try some when you escort him home tomorrow! Thank you, take care now,” Spider Queen said, smiling as she hung up the cell phone that Pigsy and Tang had no kindly helped her acquire.

“So, uh...” Huntsman asked, rubbing the back of his neck in concern and confusion. “What’s up?”

“Syntax will be spending the evening with MK!” She announced, smiling wide. “He’s taken up an interest in baking, apparently. Something about needing to unlock the secrets of tomato soup and beans.”

[livesincerely]

it’s beginning to look a lot like... ch.3

Also on Ao3. Chapter two here.

00000

The Sixth Christmas

Jack nudges the door shut with his shoulder, stopping to stomp his boots against the mat in the entryway before making his way into the kitchen. 

His boys have been plenty busy in the half hour he’s been gone: Davey, Tony, and Charlie are gathered around the kitchen table in what has clearly become the designated Latke Zone. Charlie is sitting on top of the table, grating the last of the peeled potatoes, his brow furrowed in careful concentration, and Davey’s talking Tony through dicing an onion, instructing, “—and you keep your knuckles curled under like this, see, so you don’t cut your fingers.” 

The scene is underscored by the soft hum of Christmas carols playing on the radio and the flurry of snow visible through the window. Jack lingers in the doorway for a moment, a smile spreading across his face of its own accord as he takes it all in, fingers itching for a pen and paper. 

He shakes the daydream away.

“Delivery,” Jack announces, setting the grocery bags on the counter top. 

“Hey, Jack,” Davey greets, then has to catch Tony’s wrist in his hand when he starts to wave while holding his knife. “Careful, Tones.”

“Sorry,” Tony says sheepishly. “Hi, Jack.”

“How’s it goin’?”

“Pretty good so far,” Davey says letting Tony get back to his task. “I think we’ve almost got everything ready. Did you have any trouble finding the schmaltz?”

“I think I got whatcha wanted,” Jack says, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck. Davey had given him the name and address of the kosher butcher he’d needed to go to and told him exactly what to ask for, and yet he’s still worried he’s messed it up somehow. “But I can run back out if it ain’t right.”

Davey peeks into the grocery bags, unearths the container, and gives an approving nod. 

“Perfect,” he says. “Thanks Jackie.”

It’s a little embarrassing how quickly those simple words make the flutter in Jack’s chest steady and settle.

“Yeah, no problem,” he answers.

“Davey, is this enough potato?” Charlie pipes up, shaking a cramp out of his hand, gesturing at the mound of potato piled in front of him.

Davey moves over, staring down at the mass with a critical eye. 

“Yeah, that should be plenty,” he says, scooping the potatoes up and dumping them out onto a dishtowel. 

“I think this is done too,” Tony says, carefully scraping the bits of onion that have stuck to his knife off onto the cutting board. 

“Looks good,” Davey says. He sweeps a few stray potato pieces off of Charlie’s shirt and into the trash can that’s been positioned next to the table, leans down to press a quick kiss to the top of his head, then goes back over to Tony and gives him the same treatment. “Great work, boys.”

“Do you need anythin’ else?” Tony asks, glowing faintly at the praise.

“I think I’ve got it from here,” Davey says, ruffling his hair. “But thank you for helping me.”

“You’re welcome,” Charlie chirps with a wide smile, hopping down from the table.

“Welcome,” Tony echoes. “Can we watch TV now?”

“Wash your hands,” Davey reminds them, spreading the onions out onto the same dishcloth with the potatoes, folding the mixture up in the towel and patting the moisture out. “But go ahead.”

As the boys skip away, Jack steps into the bit of clear space at Davey’s side. 

“Anythin’ else need doin’?” he asks.

“Can you grab the eggs for me?” Davey replies. “And the flour and the baking powder?”

“Got it.”

Davey gets the batter mixed together, seasoning it all with a good helping of salt and pepper, then carries the bowl into the kitchen, the container of schmaltz tucked under his arm. He sets a cast iron skillet on the stove and turns on the eye, scoops out a hardy spoonful of fat and lets it melt, then pours some oil over top.

“It’s good of you to do all’a this,” Jack says, as Davey drops the latke batter into the pan with a sizzling hiss. 

“It would’ve been good of me to remember to ask Mama if I could borrow some of her schmaltz before we left last night,” Davey says with a scoff, prodding at the batter with his spatula, flattening the drops out into little disks. “Then I wouldn’t’ve had to send you out to the store in this godforsaken weather.”

“Nah, I don’t mind,” Jack says, shaking his head. “I mean, you’re the one that’s doing the hard part. And when you didn’t have’ta.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Davey says, adjusting the temperature of the eye. “I just hope they turn out alright. Mama has this way of getting them perfectly crispy on the outside while keeping the insides soft⁠—I haven’t quite mastered it. But hopefully the boys won’t mind.”

“They’ll like them because you’re the one making ‘em,” Jack says, trying a different tactic. “Because you’re making ‘em special, just for them.”

“Well, they asked me to,” Davey says simply, still not getting it. “It’s not like I mind.”

“But you’re still goin’ outta your way,” Jack counters. “I mean, they gorged themselves on the things last night, practically ate your folks outta house and home, then woke up this mornin’ beggin’ for more, and even though we didn’t have the ingredients for ‘em, plus the fact that Hanukkah ended yesterday and half the city’s closed for Christmas, you still made it happen. I’m jus’ sayin’, it’s a nice thing to do.”

“Jackie, it’s just latkes,” Davey says, raising an eyebrow. “You don’t need to thank me, or whatever it is you’re trying to do⁠—”

“But I do need to thank you,” Jack insists, frustrated with his inability to get his point across. “I do ‘cause it’s… because I…”

He doesn’t know how to explain, doesn’t have the words to encapsulate how nice this all is, how different, yet familiar, and impossibly better this holiday season has been than all the others: how great it was to have someone to help him with holiday shopping, how much he loved getting to hang strings of blue and white lights across their balcony and put their first Christmas tree up in the living room, how every time he sees Davey’s menorah sitting on the coffee table with his and the boys’ stockings hanging on the wall behind the couch, he can’t help but smile, how strange and exciting it was to get roped into⁠ the Jacobs’ Hanukkah traditions—not asked, not invited, but folded right in, like it was never a question at all⁠ that he and the boys would be a part of it all—how he’d nearly cried last night, watching Les walk Tony and Charlie through their first game of dreidel, because he’s just been so desperately happy that he feels like he might burst with it.

And right at the center of it all is Davey: the best friend and co-parent and partner that Jack could’ve ever wanted or asked for. He’s so thankful, every single goddamn day of his life, to have Davey at his side. 

Jack wants to tell him, wants him to know how deeply appreciated he is, but he can’t figure out how to phrase it. There just aren’t words to encompass the depth of this feeling. 

How could there be?

But Davey looks at him and seems to read the heart of the matter right off of Jack’s face. His expression softens, his eyes warm with tender affection, and he curls his free hand around Jack’s forearm and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“It’s okay, Jack,” he says with a soft smile. “Really. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” Jack says hesitantly. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Davey promises. “You and Tony and Charlie? You’re family. You don’t need to thank me.”

Jack swallows heavily, throat thick with sudden emotion. “Alright,” he whispers.

Blinking through the sting in his eyes, he continues, “Uh... speakin’ of family, are we still goin’ back up to your folks’ place for New Year’s?”

Davey watches him a second longer, a hint of concern in his gaze, but he lets Jack change the subject without comment because he’s good like that. 

“That’s what Mama said when she called this morning,” Davey answers, sliding the first set of latkes out of the pan and onto a wire rack to drain. “Though, she mentioned that if the weather ends up being bad, then she’d understand if we decided to stay in.”

“Are we supposed to be getting a lot more snow?” Jack asks, confused.

“Like, two inches, maybe, the night before,” Davey says. “I tried to tell her that, even if it does snow, the roads and sidewalks would be clear by New Year’s Eve, but you know how she is.”

“Well, we’ll see how it goes,” Jack says, fingers creeping casually towards the fresh stake of latkes as Davey gets the next set frying. 

Davey slaps his hand away without a hint of mercy. “Don’t even try it, Kelly.”

“Aw, Dave,” Jack whines. “Where’s your holiday spirit?’

“Holiday spirit isn’t gonna keep you from burning the shit out of your mouth,” Davey says. “There should still be some gelt in the cabinet above the fridge if you want something to snack on while these finish.”

“Fuck, yeah,” Jack says. 

He finds the bag of chocolate coins and immediately unwraps three of them and crams them into his mouth. 

“Do we need to bring anything?” Jack asks. “That’s like, the thing to do, it’nit?”

“We could bring a small something,” Davey says, working his spatula under a latke and flipping it. “Mama will have the mains covered, but we could bring cookies or chips? Maybe a liter of soda? I’ll ask her when she calls next.”

“Or, we could make somethin’ too, couldn’t we?” Jack says.

“Do you want to make something?” Davey asks, stealing a piece of gelt from Jack’s pile, tearing away the foil, and placing it right on the center of his tongue with a teasing smirk. Jack’s stomach jolts and jitters. “We can if you want to.”

“I could make a pan of cheesecake brownies,” Jack suggests, opening up another piece and offering it to him, watching the way Davey’s lips close delicately around the chocolate coin. “The ones I made when we first moved in? Do you think they’d like ‘em?”

“Those were fucking fantastic,” Davey says. “If they don’t like them, I’m perfectly fine eating them all myself.” He pauses, head tilting to the side. “You should make extras, so we can keep some here.”

Jack laughs. “Okay, remind me to get extra butter when we go to the store next and I’ll handle it.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Davey agrees, turning to Jack with a smile⁠—a gorgeous little thing that lights up his whole face⁠—and as he does, Jack notices a dark smudge on the side of his mouth.

“Oh, wait, you’ve got a bit of chocolate...” Jack says, reaching up without thinking about it, and he doesn’t realize what he’s doing until after he’s already dragged his thumb across the corner of Davey’s mouth, stopping to rest right on the fullest part of his lower lip, his forefinger curled under Davey’s chin.  

Davey looks back at him, his expression slack with surprise and his cheeks a bit pink. He’s probably wondering what the hell Jack is doing. Jack’s wondering much the same. 

“There,” Jack rasps out, finally connecting the broken fuse in his brain that’s responsible for all his terrible, terrible decisions and dropping his hand from Davey’s face. “That’s better.” 

What Jack should do next his wipe his hands clean or give ‘em a quick rinse in the sink or, hell, take a cleaver and chop ‘em off at the wrist⁠—anything except for what he does next, which is his stick his thumb in his mouth and swirl his tongue around it, licking it clean. 

Davey’s eyes go a touch wider, his face flushing that much deeper. He clears his throat a few times, looking distinctly flustered⁠; Jack can’t even imagine what he’s thinking⁠—he’s probably embarrassed on Jack’s behalf.

“Thanks,” Davey eventually gets out.

“No problem,” Jack breathes back.

“Uh…” says Tony. 

Jack stumbles back a step, his and Davey’s heads whipping around to look: Tony’s standing just behind them, eyes darting back and forth between him and Davey. He holds up the glass in his hand, which is almost empty. 

“I need some more juice?” Tony says, but his voice lilts up at the end in question.

“Sure,” Jack says, running a hand through his hair. The back of his neck feels hot, his heart pounding against his ribcage. “Yeah, sure, bud.”

“So, can I get into the fridge?” Tony asks.

“Go ahead,” Jack says.

Tony looks at him like he’s a complete moron. “Jack, you’re blocking the fridge.”

“Right,” Jack says, moving to the side. He accidentally bumps into Davey and his hands dart out instinctively to steady him, but he rethinks the impulse mid-motion, diverting at the last second and stuffing his hands in his pockets instead. “Sorry! Sorry, I’ll just⁠—” He backs up the other way and knocks into Tony. “Sorry! I can⁠— I’ll go⁠— I’ll just stand over here.”

“Idiota,” Tony mutters under his breath as he passes.

“Cállate, Tonio,” Jack hisses back.��

“The latkes are done,” Davey announces, mercifully oblivious to the exchange. His face is still distinctly pink. “Someone get Charlie.”

“I’ll go,” Jack offers immediately, latching onto the excuse. He needs a second away from Davey and his stupidly pretty eyes. “Dish me up a plate?”

“Do you want applesauce?” Davey asks.

Jack pauses, frowning. “Do we got any sour cream?”

“You absolute heathen,” Davey says mildly, and he’s starting to sound a bit more like himself, his voice dropping back into its usual register instead of the panicked squeak from before. “Les got to you, didn’t he?”

“Sour cream, cielito,” Jack says, the pet name slipping out without him meaning it to. Tony hits him with a look that’s twice as judgmental as the previous one. “Pretty please?”

“Fine,” Davey grumbles lightly. “I guess if I have to.”

“You’re the light of my life, Dave,” Jack says.

Tony sighs, loudly. Jack’s ears burn. 

“Be right back,” he mutters, then he turns on his heel and flees before he can embarrass himself any further.

Jesus Christ.

00000

Chapter four here.

[downwiththeficness]

A Need So Great-Chapter 10

Summary: Eva Moore is assigned to work the last year of her contract with the DEA in Colombia. She just wants to get to the end of her tenure, but she keeps getting drawn further into a string of murders in the city. It isn’t long before she’s forced to face the ghosts of her past.

Word Count:

Warnings: Alcohol, smut, unprotected sex

A/N: For the purposes of this story, Carrillo isn’t married--or, if you like, divorced. A/B/O dynamics are prevalent, and they come with their own warning. The overall rating for this story is Explicit, although not every chapter will contain adult themes.

Taglist: @dirtynerdy98 @1zashreena1 @heresathreebee @deliciouslyclassytrash @maybege @kid-from-new-zealand @clydesducktape @revolution-starter

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8.5, 9, 10.5, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

The bathing suit still fit. Eva was glad of it, she hadn’t had time to go out and shop for a new one.  A cherry red halter top paired with high waisted bottoms, she’d purchased it a year or so previous on a whim and only worn it a handful of times.  Being a consultant for the DEA didn’t lend itself to lounging by the water. She threw on a soft cotton cover up, stepped into her sandals, and grabbed the fifth of vodka sitting on her counter before walking over to Steve and Connie’s apartment.

The sun was shining brightly that day, as it did most days. And, like most days, the humidity was high. Eva could feel the heat rising from the asphalt as she crossed the parking lot and made her way down the street. When she got to their door, she shifted the vodka to the crook of her arm and knocked.

The door opened and Steve welcomed her in with a wave of his hand.  He was wearing swim trunks and an unbuttoned short sleeve shirt, his hair wet and slicked back. She shuffled inside, putting the vodka in the freezer and heading out through the back door to a rectangular courtyard. The pool was encircled by a black metal fence about waist high. She spotted Connie standing next to Javier at the grill, setting down a plate of uncooked meat. She caught sight of Eva and smiled wide beneath her shades.

“C’mon,” she yelled, waving her hand wildly, “We have the pool for about four hours—til the sun goes down.”

Eva returned the wave, passing through the gate and over to where a few lounge chairs were situated, towels hanging over the back. Umbrellas provided each lounge with some shade from the sun.

“Okay,” Eva said, motioning to the courtyard, “Someone in housing definitely hates me. My shower barely works and you’ve got a fucking pool.”

Connie rolled her eyes, “Yeah, with a schedule so tight and political it could run for president. It took two months of sending brownies to the landlord just to get a half day booked.”

Eva squinted at her, “You have to book time?”

Nodding, Connie gestured for Eva to sit on the lounge chair opposite her, “I know, right? There are families here who have standing appointments months out.”

Steve, having followed Eva outside, called out, “What Connie isn’t telling you is that I slipped a stack of money into one of the brownie pans last week. Only way we got the permission.”

“Can’t you just...jump in?”

Connie’s eyes went wide, “Oh, Jesus. Saw someone try to do that the first week here. The guards fucking swarmed them, hauled ‘em out. Haven’t seen them since.”

Sounds about right, Eva thought. Everything seemed to be a quid pro quo down here. She’d seen a couple agents pay off their informants only to turn around and expense it to the department. Money could buy literally anything here.

“Let me tell you what happened yesterday at work,” Connie sighed, turning to lay back on the lounge, “I started at the NICU four months ago and I thought I had a handle on it. But, oh no, one of the other nurses has been taking my reports and shredding them. So, now my boss thinks I just don’t turn in my work.”

“No way,” Eva blurted out, scandalized.

“Yes, way,” Connie confirmed, pushing her sunglasses up on her nose, “So, I started making copies and locking them in my desk. But, I found out one of the maintenance guys has been letting her into it and she’s been taking my copies.”

Eva rested her head on her palm, mouth curling, “What’re you going to do about it?”

Connie smirked, “A little Ipicac in her morning coffee.”

Brows hitting her hairline, Eva’s mouth dropped. Connie was a forceful woman, could be outright domineering when she wanted something, but this was shocking behavior for her.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that. Its harmless. Just a little vomiting during the staff meeting.”

“Does she know you did it?” Eva’s voice came out as a whisper, as if she was trying to keep the story secret.

“Nope,” Connie shook her head, blonde hair falling over one shoulder, “I was pretty slick about it.”

“I’m sure,” Eva confirmed. “One question: How is the behavior going to stop if she doesn’t know it was you who did it?”

Connie shrugged, “Every time one of my copies goes missing, I’ll do it again. She’ll get the picture eventually. I also had Steve get me a false bottom for my desk. I’ll have a third copy waiting, just in case.”

The smell of meat wafted over, a welcome change from the chlorine. Eva glanced at Javier and Steve, both of them staring at the grill intently. Javier was fidgeting with a metal spatula, forearm wiping at his brow.

“Is that a guy thing? Standing by the grill and watching food cook?”

Even though Eva couldn’t see Connie’s eyes behind her shades, she could tell that the other woman was rolling them, “I guess. Every man I know does it.”

“Same here,” Eva said, eyes squinting. “I mean, they’re not even talking.”

Connie laughed a little, reaching into the cooler and handing Eva a beer. She popped the top for her and grabbed one for herself, “I suppose it could be worse.”

“Could be fireworks.”

Brows raised, Connie asked, “Is there a story there?”

“Ah,” Eva edged, “When I was a kid, my parents used to have this block party on the fourth with this huge fireworks display.  One of the neighbors built a potato cannon that they primed with hairspray. One year they shot roman candles out of it.”

Jaw open, Connie took a few seconds to reply, “Did...someone get hurt?”

“Oh, no,” Eva clarified, dismissing the thought with a wave of her hand, “A window got knocked out, but no one got hurt.”

A while later, Eva was fanning herself with her hand, sweat falling down her neck. In the late afternoon, the sun beat down on them. Even with the umbrellas above, Eva could feel her body fighting to keep itself cool. Standing, she pulled off her cover up.

“I’m getting in,” she declared, “I can’t take it any more.”

Connie laughed and stood with her, “I’ll go with you. Nice suit, by the way.”

Eva thanked her, returning the sentiment. Connie was wearing a canary yellow one piece, the thighs cut high to highlight her muscular thighs. She threw off her sunglasses and pulled her hair atop her head into a tight bun. Eva wished she’d thought to bring a hair tie. She’d never really been concerned about the way her hair curled in irregular little ringlets and waves before, but knowing that Horacio would be stopping by afterwards made her a little self conscious. With a little effort, she shrugged it off and darted out to the edge of the pool, jumping in.

The water was cool, a shock to her body as it enveloped her. Eva felt the air rush out of her lungs as she  sunk beneath the surface. Her feet touched down and she kicked hard, breaching the water with a sharply indrawn breath.

Wiping the water from her eyes, she laughed at Connie, who had used the ladder to drop daintily into the pool.

“I haven’t done that since I was a kid,” she said, her cheeks hurting a bit with the force of her smile.

Connie nodded enthusiastically, “We had a pool, too. Above ground. Mom would make us wear pool floats the whole time we were in it.”

Eva shook her head, “I suppose there’s something to be said for safety. I was an only child, so my parents let me do whatever I wanted, mostly.”

“Are they still around?”

Eva swallowed, her eyes falling to the water she was swishing between her fingers, “No, they died a long time ago.”

“Oh, my God,” Connie gasped, “I’m sorry. How did it happen, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“It was an accident,” Eva explained.  

It was the same explanation that she’d given a million people before and would likely continue to give. A plane crash. No survivors. They were headed to a little resort that Josh had booked for their anniversary.  Eva could still remember what her mother’s face had looked like when Josh handed her the tickets—excited and charmed. It turned her stomach.

Connie read her expression and approached slowly, arms pushing through the water, “Was it… was it because of your husband? Because of the things he did?”

Eva had been as honest as she could about the things that had occurred in her marriage, had told Connie about the way she learned to cover bruises, about how she used the work to give her purpose even though she knew it resulted in the destruction of people’s lives, about how he hurt her less when she did a good job.

“Yeah,” she croaked. “Um, I tried to run away—had a passport and some cash hidden. I can’t prove it, but I think he killed them to make a point.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Eva,” Connie breathed. “That’s horrifying.”

Eva blinked at Connie, trying to smile, “It was a long time ago. I’ve made my peace with it.”

“That’s not something you make peace with.”

She was right, Eva hadn’t made peace with it, not really. It had taken a long time for her to stop feeling guilty and to place the blame solely on Josh. It was part of the reason that she was able to kill him that night. She’d channeled all that rage into the fight, and she’d finally come out the victor.

“I got him back, though, didn’t I?” She said, chin lifting.

“Yes, you did.”

They swam for a while, until the food was done. Steve called out to them, a pair of tongs clapping together in one hand. They ate off paper plates, beers fresh from the cooler dripping condensation onto the cement below.

After wards, Eva laid back on the lounge, feeling sleepy. She kept a beer next to her, drinking from it lazily. One arm thrown over her head, she stretched her legs out long, enjoying the sun and relaxation. That’s how Horacio found her. Eyes closed, half shaded by the umbrella, suit drying out on her body. She heard him walk up and sit on the lounge next to hers.

Eva opened her eyes and smiled, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

She sat up, swinging her legs around so that she could face him, “You get everything done at work?”

He nodded, “Got some paperwork in the truck I need to finish. I parked at your place, I hope you don’t mind.”

“That’s no problem, you park there most of the time anyways.”

That was very much the truth. They hadn’t spent many nights away from one another, almost all of them at her place. Horacio told her that he liked her apartment better than his house because it was cozier. Eva could see why. She’d finally gotten to see his house, and it was sparsely decorated, indicative of a man who lived at work and only slept when he had to.

“Did you eat?” she asked.

Another nod, “Since its a Saturday, we order take out for the guys.”

Eva started to reach out to touch him, but the first two fingers of his right hand lifted quickly, stopping the motion.

“There are a lot of eyes here.”

Right. Although he hadn’t explained in detail, Javier had let it slip during a meeting that Carillo had a literal bounty on his head. In his fight against the rise of drugs in the country, he’d ruffled a lot of feathers. And, that made anyone associated with him vulnerable. When they were in public, he kept a distance between them and, outside of rare occasions, he didn’t touch her. The longer they were together, to more strict he became about it. Eva was still adjusting.

Eva pointed to the swim trunks he was wearing, “Did you go home to change or did you wear this to the office?”

Shooting her a sardonic look he asked, “What do you think?”

“I know, I know,” she replied, “God forbid you show up anything less than immaculate.”

It was probably the only point of contention between them. He always got up early to get dressed for the day. Eva argued constantly that he could go in one day without going through his entire routine, his coworkers wouldn’t notice. He argued back that he was supposed to be setting an example and that meant ironing his undershirt. She hadn’t yet managed to convince him to sleep in with her, his internal clock kicking in like….well, clockwork.

Now, though, he was wearing teal colored swim trunks and one of his more casual polo shirts. His hair was still combed back from his face, the curls tamed by the pomade he kept next to his aftershave on her bathroom counter. He’d taken a little extra time to shave that morning.

Eva gestured towards the cooler, “Go get yourself a beer. Relax for two seconds.”

She watched him as he rose and sauntered over to the little cooler by the grill, greeting the others along the way. Connie stepped over and sat next to her, leaning a little into Eva’s space.

She handed Eva a fresh beer, saying, “So… you guys are good?”

Eva nodded, “Yep.”

Connie stared at her.

“What?”

“You like him.”

Eva snorted, “Of course I like him. We literally discussed this a few days ago.”

“No, I mean you really like him,” Connie clarified, “You do this thing where the more you want something, the less you talk about it.”

Looking at her with a flustered expression, “What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?”

Connie took a swig from the bottle in her hand, “I don’t know, maybe admit that you like him more than you let on and you’re afraid that its going to self destruct because you’re both working dangerous jobs in a dangerous country where one or both of you could be killed and the pressure is a little too high for such a new relationship.” She took a deep breath, “And that scares the shit out of you.”

Eva’s mouth thinned as she regarded her friends, “Way to put it so succinctly.”

“Thank you.” A beat, “So, are you going to admit it?”

Eva glared.

Connie rolled her eyes, “Alright, don’t admit it. We both know its true.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Eva glowered. Then, after taking just a moment to think about it, she said, “He thinks I’m going to become a target if they find out.”

She didn’t have to say who ‘they’ were. Connie knew, had married into it.

“That’s possible.”

“I don’t know how to prove that I’m not scared.  Hell, I was on the other side of this fifteen years ago. I know the risks.”

Connie rolled a shoulder, resting her arms on her knees, her gaze following her husband as he told yet another wild story, “Sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“Some thought,” Eva agreed.

“Sounds like you’re willing to take on those risks.”

“Some risks.”

“Sound like you just admitted you like him a lot.”

“Jesus, Connie,” Eva grumbled.

Flashing a smile at Eva, Connie cajoled, “Is it that hard to admit?”

“Given my last long standing relationship ended in literal murder, I would say I’ve got grounds to be cautious.”

Lifting a finger, Connie asserted firmly, “Cautious, not cowardly.”

She had a point.  Eva kind of resented her for it.

They spent another hour or so talking among themselves, until the cooler ran out of beer.

“I bet that vodka’s good and cold,” Eva announced, heading for the gate. She didn’t bother with a towel or her cover up, already mostly dry from the sun.

Connie threw up her hands, “Yes! There’s orange juice in the fridge. And, another six pack.”

“I’ll help,” Carrillo offered, following Eva towards the door.

The sliding glass rumbled as she pulled it open, pushing through the vertical blinds to duck inside. The air conditioning hit her hard, goosebumps rising over her skin. She hissed a little bit, rubbing at her arms as she made her way across the kitchen to the fridge. Behind her, the heavy glass door slid closed.

Bare feet shuffling across the tile, Eva opened the fridge and found the six pack and orange juice, setting them on the counter beside her before pulling the vodka out of the freezer.  It was definitely cold enough, the bottle immediately frosting despite the cool air.

“You know, there’s going to come a time when I’ll be able to out drink Connie, but today is not going to be that day,” she said with a smile.

Eva stood and ran abruptly into Horacio, who reached behind her to shut the freezer door, the other hand taking the bottle from her and setting it next to the orange juice and the beer. Without further preamble, he leaned down and kissed her hard. She squeaked a little, unprepared for it, before settling into the motion.

He pulled away, hands skimming her waist and hips, “I’ve been meaning to do that since I got here.”

Eva wrapped her arms around his shoulders, “I think we’ve discussed that you’re free to kiss me whenever you want.”

“Not always,” he replied, the implication heavy in his tone.

She gave a little bob of her head in understanding, “Still, offer’s on the table.”

“Noted,” he whispered before leaning down and kissing her again. Slower. Deeper. “Have I told you how much I like kissing you?”

Eva smiled as she ruffled the little hairs on the nape of his neck, “The feeling is mutual.”

Hands spanning her waist, he gazed down the length of her body, “Have I told you how much I like this suit.” His grip tightened the tiniest bit, “So much skin.”

At this, Eva’s smile morphed into an abashed laugh, “You’ve seen me in less.”

His brows quirked, mouth curving into an almost but not quite smile, “Usually, I can touch you.”

“You’re touching me now, Big Guy.”

She watched his lips as he pulled them in between his teeth, pressing lightly before letting go. He pulled her into him until they were pressed together, standing between the counter and the island that separated the kitchen from the living room. Little kisses trailed up her neck to her jaw, and finally to her mouth. Though his arms held her tight, his mouth was soft and gentle, tongue snaking out to taste.

The easiness of the kiss, the fact that they’d been apart for almost a day, the knowledge that once they stepped back outside she couldn’t touch him again until they were safely ensconced in her apartment made Eva greedy to have what she could, when she could. Despite the fact that he wasn’t doing much more than holding her, she felt the echo of arousal bloom in her belly. Lifting up onto her toes, she deepened the kiss, tilting her hips into him.

His response was...absolutely to be expected. Thigh pushing between her legs, he walked her back to the counter until it dug into her lower back. One hand came up to grip her damp hair, angling her head back so that he could press his face into her neck. Eva tried to roll her chin down to get at him again, but he held her still.

Dark eyes looked up at her from beneath his lashes, “As soon as we get back to your apartment.”

It took her maybe half a second to process his meaning, and then she was giving a quick jerk of her head. He breathed deeply, taking in her scent, before stepping away. Shoulders tense, he picked up the orange juice and six pack and gesturing towards the sliding glass doors.

With shaking hands, Eva grabbed the vodka, thankful for the freezing bottle. She pressed it to her belly, walking ahead of Horacio. By the pool, the group had gathered on the lounge chairs.

Eva held up the bottle as she approached, “I come bearing gifts!”

“Ah, Jesus,” Javier groaned, leaning over to stage whisper to Steve, “I don’t think I’m up for this.”

Connie rolled her eyes as she took to bottle from Eva, cracking it open, “Man up, Javier. This is a party.”

He reached into the pocket of his jacket, hanging from the back of the chair, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, “All your parties end in fights.”

“Excuse me,” Connie retorted, offended, “One party ended in a fight, thank you very much.”

Eva frowned, “Is this the bar fight, gun fight?”

Beside Connie, Steve dropped his head into his palm, shaking it. Javier took a drag and blew out the smoke. Connie glared.

“So, here’s what happened,” Javier said, making room for Carrillo to sit by him. “We’re at a work thing, schmoozing with the big wigs in the department. Usual stuff. One guy gets a little drunk and makes a pass at Connie, who proceeds to grab his hand and break it.”

“Sprain it,” Connie cut in. “I sprained it. Barely.”

Javier scoffed, “Anyways, the guy happens to be a major player for this political group who gave us money. They don’t give us money anymore.”

Connie handed Eva a cup—vodka and orange juice, “What was I supposed to do? Let the guy grab my ass in a room full of people.”

Eva thought about it, “I agree with Connie. Break his fucking hand.”

“Thank you,” Connie said, touching Eva’s arm in solidarity.

“One thing I don’t understand,” Eva said, crossing one leg over the other, “How is that a fight?”

Javier’s brows lifted as he recalled, “Oh, right. Steve got in the guy’s face.”

Eva made a sound of disbelief, “Alright, no. This wasn’t Connie’s fault, Steve’s the one who escalated things.”

“What was I supposed to do?” he echoed Connie’s sentiment.

She shrugged, “I’m not the best person to answer that question.”

Three pairs of eyes crept over to Carrillo, who was already shaking his head, “I probably would have done the same.”

Eva had to take a deep drink from her cup to cover the expression unfolding on her face. She couldn’t help the image of him pushing into someone’s space, a threat spoken lowly. His thick frame blocking any hope of escape. Eva thought she’d like to see that someday.

“That’s not the point,” Javier cut in.

“What is the point?” Connie asked.

“That your parties end in fights.”

“One party—not even my party.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” Eva blurted, setting down her cup. She grabbed Connie’s hand, “Let’s go.”

Tugging the woman along, Eva hauled ass towards the pool tumbling headfirst into the water. She heard a second splash nearby, and she smiled beneath water as she kicked to the surface. Breaching, Eva pushed her hair back from her face, her eyes going wide as she caught a body flying over her, sending a wave of water over her. She ducked under, hearing a third splash.

Coming up laughing, she spotted both Javier and Steve swimming away, Connie following not far behind, shouting. She looked up, smiling at Carrillo, who was popping to top off a beer.

“You gonna join us?”

He looked dubious.

“Oh, don’t tell me you can’t swim,” Eva wheedled before ducking down and pushing off the edge of the pool to shoot out towards the center.

She popped up next to Javier, dodging Connie as she pushed him under. Tiptoeing around Steve, Eva put a little distance between them, her wide smile dropping as she looked down to the other side. Carrillo had set down his beer and was walking towards the pool, tugging off his polo. She would never, ever get used to it. Eva had spent many nights holding onto those shoulders, feeling him move between her thighs, and she was still struck dumb.  He caught her eye, and though his expression didn’t change, she could tell that he was gloating. With sure movements, he gave a little bounce and then his arms swung forward as he executed a seamless dive into the pool.

Righting herself, Eva leaned against the wall of the pool, flicking water at Connie, who swam up beside her.

“Please tell me you…”

“Yeah.”

“And its…”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Eva confirmed with a long sigh.

They relaxed in the water as the sun started it descent towards the horizon. Eva held her position against the wall, talking with Connie and trying like hell to keep her eyes and her hands off Horacio. It seemed all too easy for him to act casually—a little sarcasm here, a little small talk there. She envied that ability. Her body, already attuned to him, seemed constantly on edge. Anticipation simmering under her skin to the point that she was surprised the water around her wasn’t gently steaming.

Too soon, a couple men in uniforms approached the gate, yelling out towards them. Connie grumbled and loudly announced that their time was at an end. They were, evidently, being forced out. After gathering the cooler and towels, they headed inside.

The phone was ringing, pausing the conversation for a moment.  Steve answered it, speaking for a few minutes, then hanging it up. He looked annoyed.

“Well, looks like we’re heading into the office tomorrow.”

Connie scowled, “Its a Sunday.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Steve replied with a shake of his head, “We’ve got a meeting. You too, Carrillo.”

Beside her, Carrillo put his hands on his hips, “They tell you want its about?”

“Nope, just said we report in at eight.”

Eva pushed her wet hair back from her face then pulled her cover up over her body despite the fact that her suit was still pretty wet, “They say anything about me coming in?”

Steve opened the cooler and popped the top off another beer, “No. I think its just us three.”

She nodded. Highly classified meeting, then. She didn’t want to admit that she felt left out, so she shrugged and said, “Alright. I’m going to head home. Thank you for having me over, Connie.”

Connie hugged her, “Thanks for coming over and saving me from hearing more about office politics.”

They said their goodbyes and Eva headed out into the night, stars just beginning to shine above her. A little tipsy, she strolled along leisurely, not surprised when Carrillo followed.

“That was really fun,” she said when he moved up beside her, keeping pace.

He made a noncommittal sound, his gaze focused in front of them.

“When was the last time you actually spent a weekend afternoon not attached to your desk doing paperwork?”

Or, attached to her kitchen island, or the little dining room table in the nook of his house. More often than not, he brought files home with him. Eva had seen him sign his name so many times she could have probably forged it by now.

Lifting a shoulder, he replied, “Its been a long time.”

Eva scratched at the skin above her brow, a little unsure of herself, “You should do things for fun more often.”

He looked at her, “I assume you have ideas.”

“I might,” she said coyly, spinning to walk backwards in front of him, “There’s apparently some beautiful scenery, here.  We could go hiking.”

His brows lifted and she could see a ghost of a smile, “We could do that.”

“Alright, its decided, then. We’ll go hiking when you get some time off.”

Eva knew that it was a long shot that he’d have more than a day off at a time, if past history was anything to go by. Still, it was nice to make plans, ambiguous as the timing may be. She hadn’t ever made plans like this before, and the prospect made her warm inside.

Keying into her apartment, Eva left the door open for him to come in. She started to say something innocuous about being home again, but she was cut off. Horacio grabbed her by the arm, pulling her into his body and kissed her. She gave a stilted gasp, arms coming up to rest on his biceps.

Hands traveling down her body, he scrunched the fabric of her cover up in his palms, pulling it up and over her head. When he slipped the pads of his fingers down into her suit bottoms, Eva stepped back, pulling him along with her.

“I have to get this chlorine out of my hair,” she explained, pacing backwards towards the bathroom, “You want to join me?”

Fire sparked in his eyes, his steps guiding her back and into her bedroom, rounding the corner and pushing her into the bathroom. As she moved to turn on the taps, he pulled at the ties of her top, throwing the fabric to the floor. After doing the same with her bottoms, he yanked her back into his chest, one hand tracing down her stomach in a confident caress.

He cupped her mound, fingers sliding through her folds and pressing firmly.  Eva swallowed back a moan, head tipped back as he kissed along her shoulder down to her collarbone. Steam began to fill the room, heat wafting from the shower. She reluctantly pulled away, tugging off his shirt and swim trunks and stepping into the spray.

Eva half expected that he would push her against the tile and fuck her against it. His touch was impatient in a way that was new and shot heat straight into her core. She was, however, surprised to find that he reached down and grabbed her shampoo, lathering it through her strands thoroughly. He crowded her under the water, tilting her head around to rinse the suds away. She watched him grab a loofah and pour some body wash on it, her skin sizzling with anticipation.

Long, careful strokes swept the pool water from her body. She could feel the arousal that was always at a low simmer ramping up even though his touch wasn’t remotely sexual. Unable to help herself, she pressed a kiss to his sternum, resting her forehead against his chest. He sighed, his arms wrapping around her.

Wanting to return the favor, Eva reached back and took the loofah from him, running it over his broad chest, his stomach, his thighs. Though his erection bobbed up between them, she avoided it for the moment. Switching sides with him, she let the water fall over his body, her hands pushing the soap down towards the tub.

Dropping the loofah, Eva grabbed the shampoo and poured just a little into her hand, arms lifting to gently scrub it through his curls, finally free of the pomade he regularly combed through it. Using her nails, she lightly scratched at his scalp, smiling when his eyes closed in pleasure. Tilting his head back, Eva rinsed the shampoo from his hair, hands tracing down his face and neck.

Leaning down, Horacio’s lips found hers, his tongue darting out to taste. The water falling over his back sluiced down to run between her breasts and down her stomach. Eva pressed against him rolling her hips invitingly.

He broke the kiss with a moan, one hand grabbing her ass. Eva knew that, if she didn’t act quickly, he’d slot his fingers inside her and she would cease to be able to think, let alone respond. The omega in her loved that he was taking care of her, reveled in it, even. But the omega in her also wanted to make him want her just as much as she wanted him, wanted him feeling wild with it.

Lightly, so as to not give herself away, Eva traced down his chest, palm turning so that she could grasp him in her hand. He rested his forehead against her temple, mouth open, breath stuttering. She pumped him slowly, but firmly, wrist twisting at the top.

When the hand holding her hip started to dip down towards her center, Eva stopped him, holding him by the wrist. She kissed him, teeth catching at his lower lip. The wrist in her palm flexed as he tried to pull free. Eva shook her head, stroking him just a little faster. He groaned, pushing his thigh between hers, using the hand on her ass as leverage to drag her clit against him.

He breathed her name, the sound of it loud against the tiled walls. Eva felt her chest swell at the strain in his tone, power building with every choked moan, every sigh. She watched him lick his lips, her gaze dropping to his cock. He was hard, pulsing, his hips tilting towards her. It was a sight that she knew would always be with her, a feverish memory locked intimately with his scent.

As she contemplated dropping to her knees, the water began to turn cold. Eva laughed as he hissed, spinning to turn off the faucet. When he looked at her, Eva’s laughed faded, blood rushing in her ears at the intensity of his expression. He ushered her out of the tub, hands pushing her forward. Impatient, he hauled her up and over his shoulder, walking quickly to the bed.

He tossed her down, her body bouncing with the force. Eva watched him crawl over her, the muscles of his body flexing with every motion. More deep, intense kisses followed, his hands arranging her beneath him. When she reached for him, he swatted her away, lifting to his knees. Balanced over her, Horacio opened the nightstand to grab a condom.

When he paused, brows together, Eva asked him what was wrong, her voice a hoarse rasp.

His eyes closed, his chin dropping to his chest, “We’re out.”

She squinted up at him, “Out?”

“Of condoms, we’re out.”

That was impossible. She’d gone out and bought some maybe two days ago, they couldn’t possibly…Her brain very eagerly explained that they had been having a lot of sex. Eva tried to suppress it, but the giggle burst forth, her hands coming up to cover her face.

Horacio looked down at her, mouth half smiling, “I’m glad you’re amused.”

Affectionately, Eva pulled him down to her, rolling them to their sides, “C’mere.”

Her name was a warning as it passed his lips, but she shut him up with a kiss. Stroking along his skin, Eva kept kissing him until he relaxed against her, big body falling deep into the mattress. Arms wrapping around her, he rolled to his back, pulling one of her legs over his thigh. Hands on her hips, he encouraged her to move on him.

Eva couldn’t get close enough, her hands falling to his shoulders, using them to help her get friction on her clit. She ground down on him, her slick coating his skin and easing the movement. Still, she couldn’t quite get there. Her arousal burned through her, soaking into her very bones, but she couldn’t make herself come.

Sweat beaded on her temples, her muscles burning. She bit down on her lip, eyes closed. It wasn’t going to work, not when she could feel him pressed against her hip. Not when all she wanted was to be stuffed so full of him that she could barely move.

Shifting, Eva wavered over his body, weight on her palms as she kissed him, licking into his mouth. Moving determinedly, she opened her hips and swung her leg up and over, straddling him. The first contact seared through her, and her body screamed out that this was much better. She rocked against him, hands falling to his chest for balance.

“Yes,” he breathed, urging her faster, hands pulling at her hips, her thighs, “Like that, just like that.”

Eva picked up the rhythm he was guiding her to, her body working to get off. This was so, so much better, but she still couldn’t get there.  She felt on fire from it, a whimpering, desperate mess. The orgasm was so fucking close, but not even his thumb circling over her clit was pushing her over the edge.  

He pulled her down, sandwiching his cock between them, hips arching towards her. Horacio planted kiss after kiss over her neck, her chest, her jawline, her mouth. Little yearning growls sounded in the space between them. Eva pulled her knees beneath her, letting her hips open so that she could rub as much of her pussy against him as she could.

Every upward thrust brushed against her clit, every twist of her hips, coated him from root to tip. The pace picked up, and Eva’s eyes rolled back when their bodies aligned perfectly so that the head breached her just a little, sliding in then out and along the length of her folds.

Eva moaned his name, her nails digging into his shoulders. Beneath her, Horacio groaned long and low, eyes squeezed shut. Suddenly, he rolled her over, most of his weight falling atop her. His hands held her to the mattress so that he could grind down on her. Even though she could barely breathe, Eva let out a pleased gasp. The force of his body pushing against her, the way he buried his face in her neck, arms holding her tight, all of it pushed her pleasure higher.

“So good, so good,” she chanted, hands in his hair.

Lifting a little, he looked down between them, his cock pushing up through her her folds, wet and swollen. Hips fluid, he grabbed her ass in one hand, pulling her to him. Eva braced her feet on the mattress, shifting beneath him to get that feeling of him opening her up just a bit. It was almost enough, that tiny breach followed by a hard drag across her clit.

Giving a frustrated grunt, he dropped onto an elbow, catching her chin and forcing her to look at him,  “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you have to stop trying to fuck me, Eva.”

She whined, wrapping her fingers around his wrist, “I can’t help it. I want it. Please, Horacio.” She stole a kiss, “Feels so good with you inside me. Love when you fuck me.”

Against her, he pulsed, hips jerking. He blinked down at her, jaw unhinged. Deep breaths, grip tight, “Evangeline. Listen...listen. I’m gonna.” The thought alone seemed to spur him on, movements snapping against her, “I’m gonna… you need to listen. When I tell you, you need to let me pull out.”

Eager, she nodded, taking another kiss as he lined himself up and pushed inside. This, this was what she needed. Fuck, but he felt bigger than he ever had, the stretch tight. Eva arched, pushing her breasts into his chest, neck exposed for him to mouth along. Her body clenched so tight he couldn’t get more than an inch or two inside.

“Fuck, Eva. You have to let me in.” The words were half growled against her neck, teeth pressed against her skin.

She bit down on her response, “I’m trying.”

He pulled back, another thrust stunted by the squeeze of her cunt. His fists clenched beside her head, a wordless groan sounding.

“Try harder.”

Eva breathed deeply, trying to form coherent thoughts, “Maybe if you, if I...if you let me on top.”

He shook his head hard, “No. No—feels too good when you ride me.”

A laughed bubbled up, Eva cupped his face, catching his eyes, “Its supposed to feel good.”

“Too good. Come too fast,” he breathed, then, “How are you still so fucking tight?”

He still hadn’t bottomed out inside her, and Eva’s desperation grew every time he pulled out and pushed in again. She wanted him deeper, harder, wanted him to hold her down and leave bruises in his wake. In between breaths a plan formed. Eva reached down and grasped his hips for purchase, pulling him down as she rotated her hips up. Yes, yes! The feeling spanned electric down her spine.

With a curse, he snagged her hands, yanking them above her head, her name a warning on his lips. She arched her back, her hips working against him, moving on him from below. Ignoring a second warning, Eva rolled her hips as best she could, taking him further and further. He’d stilled above her, eyes watching as she moved.

His hands gripped her tighter, voice rough, “Look at you.”

She kept throwing her hips up until she’d worked him all the way inside, the feeling short circuiting any ability to think beyond the ‘more, more more’ that chanted in her head.

“There you go,” he praised, “Take what you need. Take it from me.”

The snap of his hips resumed, shoving his cock inside her and hitting every pleasurable spot she had. Eva felt a sharp, high pitched gasp rush out of her. Words fell from her lips, encouraging him, telling him how good it felt, how much she needed him, nonsense syllables rising along with the orgasm that fairly exploded outward from her center, her muscles locking down on him from the inside.

He rode her through as much of it as he could before he pulled away, reaching down to stroke himself—fast, hard pumps until he was spilling over her lower stomach. Still breathing hard, Eva leaned up and wiped the sweat from his brow, kissing his cheek softly. His come dripped over her mound, falling down over her lips. He watched it with dark eyes, jaw tight.

With one hand, he pushed her back to the mattress, the other threw a leg over his shoulder as he moved down the bed, mouth on her before she could draw her next breath. Eva might have had the capacity to be embarrassed by the sounds coming out of her, the choked, half screamed moans, but her body was already skyrocketing towards another orgasm. What pushed her over the edge was the sight of his hand, resting on her pelvic bone, sliding upwards to drag his come over her skin, his eyes watching her face. She threw back her head, cunt clenching down hard enough that her vision blacked out momentarily.

For a long time, she could only stare at the ceiling as she tried to catch her breath. She felt him move, heard his footsteps, sighed at the warm cloth he dragged over her sensitive skin so tenderly.  He threw the cloth towards the bathroom, gathering her in his arms. She fell asleep to the feeling of him kissing her shoulder softly.

[jenroses]

idk how to translate today’s recipes into “someone else can make them” because my recipes are sometimes very serendipitous and convenience based. 

like I salted a turkey with smoked salt last night and put it in the fridge and then told my husband to stick it in the oven at noon at 250 and he did and when I got up I bumped it up to 300 for a while and cooked bacon and squash and lupin on the next shelf down, by turns, and then dumped some of the bacon grease on the skin (not much, just, a little, and tossed the bacon in the turkey pan and then when it was about an hour from when I wanted to eat I checked the temp and it was 139 between the breast and the thigh and so I jacked up the oven temperature and took out the squash and lupin and hit it at 450 for half an hour and while it was doing that I nuked a bunch of riced cauliflower with some bacon grease and chicken stock and let me tell you the stinky is not pleasant in the microwave.

Then I turned the turkey around and gave it 15 more minutes, and made cranberry sauce at some point with cranberries, allulose and monkfruit/erythritol plus orange zest and vanilla and my GOD is that the distilled essence of Holiday.  When the turkey came out, I took some of the juices and put them in the blender with the cauliflower and put a couple of spoons of “stuffing master” (everything but the croutons and fruit) in with it along with some of the bacon from the turkey pan and pureed the heck out of it and while I’d planned on it being a potato sub, it ended up being exactly the consistency of gravy? And tasted like gravy? And I’d been sort of mourning gravy because I don’t know how to do it without carbs and my blood sugar has been all over the place even not eating carbs....

Anyway. So the cauliflower turned into gravy, and so my final plate included turkey, butternut squash with cauli gravy, herby ground lupin with stuffing fixings and cauli gravy, decadent cranberry sauce and dad’s green beans with slivered almonds and garlic and you know what?

My blood sugar stayed flat all day. On Thanksgiving.

And I didn’t feel deprived or hungry at all. 

Everything tasted good and “like it’s supposed to.”

and fuck if I know if anyone else could replicate it from that. 

Also, how do people make dry turkey? Because I’m not sure I ever have? I’ve eaten dry turkey, but I tend to hit it with a lot of heat for a little while and cook it for a long time at low heat and/or/vice/versa, and I don’t fuck around with basting. 

(I feel like there are two temperatures for cooking meat: Low and very high. Low you do to get the temp up on a big piece of meat, high you do to capitalize on the maillard reaction for flavor. I cook prime rib in a similar way. Duck gets 20 minutes at 450 and then *waves hand* a while at 250-300 and then 450 for some more time, and this is always informed by how late I start it and when I want to eat.)

Here’s my dad’s recipe for “stuffing master”, which he adds to just about anything depending on allergies:

Stuffing master mix is breakfast sausage, diced celery, chopped parsley, toasted walnuts, ground sage, ground celery seed. [plus, if desired, some combination of apples, dried cranberries. He’s used raisins in the past but switched to dried cranberries at some point. The nuts are optional but a nice texture. This is one of the only situations I actually like walnuts very much.]

Brown the sausage, then add water to just cover the sausage and cook down, leaving some water in the pan. [the water both helps regulate the cooking temperature in the pan and helps deglaze the sausage drippings and keeps them from burning.]

Remove the sausage and chop into 1/2 inch slices. [this is important because the juices from the sausage will help leak out and flavor the turkey drippings, which get used for gravy later.]

Sauté the celery and parsley in the sausage pan until the celery is softened. [this gives the sausage fond a chance to help flavor the parsley and celery. also less dishes, bonus.]

Toast the walnuts on the stove top in a dry pan, flipping often. [important to do this separately in a dry pan. it’s a texture thing.]

Combine the sausage, celery, parsley and walnuts. 

Sprinkle on some sage and celery seed to taste. Voila. 

At this point, if my guests are tolerant of carbs, I usually add in a chopped apple and a handful of dried cranberries. 

This then becomes the base for whatever starch you care to add (bread cubes, bread crumbs, rice, wild rice, etc.) and whatever liquid works for you (we use chicken broth, although we sometimes make a turkey broth the day before if we are roasting 2 turkeys.)

[amount of said starch is going to be very much by feel, as will the liquid. In my case I used about 2/3 of a cup of part garlic herb lupin and part regular plain lupin, at a 1:4 ratio with chicken stock, mixed with a cup or two worth of stuffing master. 2 spoons of stuffing master flavored the gravy/puree.]

Our socially distant Thanksgiving was fine. My kid was chattering with his cousin on speaker phone, which meant there was a background bustle from both households cooking, but we weren’t actually getting in each other’s way. We ate at our own pace, and then did a zoom call with the whole family (all my children! My niece! My sister! My parents! All at once in six windows!) that was just about the right amount of socializing, and then we went off and did our own thing. It was less stressful and painful than if we’d shlepped over there for it.

We swapped sides and ingredients a few times, on the porch, remote no-contact drops like some goddamn spy movie, so I got some of Dad’s stuffing master, hubby got regular stuffing from Dad, Dad got oyster dressing from hubby, Hubby got gravy, I got green beans from them, we sent squash and turkey to my eldest, my eldest got gravy and a pie from their grandparents. 

Lupin is something you don’t see much in the US, but it’s like mostly protein, fiber and fat, tiny amount of carb, and the taste is good, though I’m still on the fence about the texture. It cooks kind of like couscous? But tastes closer to lentils? It’s a legume, and a reasonable side dish, and super compatible with my need to keep net carbs down and fiber/protein/fat up. (If I don’t eat carbs I don’t have to use much insulin, and since my metformin has been recalled, it’s the only way I can keep things stable. My A1C last month was 5.5, so I think I’m managing. Steroid-induced diabetes is a bitch.)

[flannelpunkcalum]

Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat - Chapter 3

last chapter

cw: death but also there’s like a lil hot stuff in the middle to even it out? I realized when writing this chapter and the next one this is gonna be p dark but i guess Aspen got kidnapped and tortured last time so you guys will be fine. i saw a moose today. 

tdwk masterlist

ttlb masterlist

* * *

“I gotta come over for dinner more often.” Aspen said, spooning more spinach on her plate. Spinach. What the fuck was Alfred’s cooking doing to her? She never ate her vegetables. “Actually, I should have you guys over for dinner one of these days so you can truly appreciate what Mr. Pennyworth does for you. A terrible little palate cleanser.” 

“You flatter me, Ms. McMichael.” 

If Aspen didn’t know better, she’d say Alfred was blushing. They were all eating around the kitchen table, feasting on homemade turkey meatballs, spinach, brown rice, and sweet potato, all topped with some kind of sauce that she just wanted to bathe in. It was healthy, sure, but it was good. “I’m telling the truth. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a culinary version of Plato’s allegory of the cave, and I’ve finally left the shadows on the wall behind.” 

“High praise indeed.” 

“Indeed.” She grinned. 

“I think it’s good, too.” Dick piped up. If Aspen looked down, she could see his legs swinging under his chair. When she had come into the manor, he had immediately pulled her over to the kitchen, competing with her to scoop meatballs out of the pan while Alfred wasn’t looking. He’d used any time when he didn’t have his mouth full to tell her about his day at school. Calum hadn’t tried to pull her away; they both knew they could talk about the meeting in depth after dinner and before patrol. The looks he kept giving her out of the corner of his eye made her think he had noticed something was wrong, but for now, especially in front of Dick, they were leaving it be. Aspen was starting to really get attached to her new dysfunctional nuclear family. 

“Thank you, Master Grayson.” Alfred nodded. 

It was moments like this that Aspen regretted letting Calum into her heart. What if things went sour between them and she lost this? The good food, the company, Alfred’s buttoned-up love, Dick’s easy devotion. It was supposed to be better to have love and lost, she knew, but this was the first time she had felt like this in years. If Calum tried to ice her out, she’d lose a family on top of everything. She wanted to believe they were both too mature to let that happen, but sometimes she had trouble having faith in that. 

“Aspen?”

“Hmm?” She looked up to find all three of the boys staring at her. “Sorry, I zoned out.” 

“Dick was asking about how the meeting with the DA went today.” Calum said helpfully. Aspen could see mischief in his eyes - evidently, that bastard was proud of how long he had managed to weasel into her meeting. 

Aspen took a deep breath, collecting herself. “Well,” she said, “after a diplomatic compromise had been reached where your guardian would accompany me to the meeting to say hi, but not - not - insert himself into it, he of course went and did that anyways.”

Calum’s eyebrows furrowed like he was hurt. He wasn’t. She wasn’t going to fall for it - butter wouldn’t melt in his perfect mouth. “Finch invited me in. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I dunno how you’ve kept your identity a secret so long, you’re a terrible liar.” Aspen turned to Dick and Alfred, gesturing with her fork as she spoke. “He deliberately used language that would make Finch, who is already eager to please him based on status, feel socially required to invite him in. And then he was smug about it.” 

Cal ducked his head, smiling sheepishly. He liked being caught by her. “I wasn’t that smug.” He said to the rest of the table. 

The implicit confirmation of Aspen’s accusation didn’t go unnoticed by anyone, as far as she could tell. Good. 

“You were smug enough.” Aspen said to him before turning back to Dick. “But the rest of it went fine. We talked about the two trials. They’re probably gonna offer Liam a plea bargain to testify against Falcone, which I’m fine with. It’s whatever. I mean -” she said, realizing that that flippant language showed how much she was bothered, “- I don’t think he’d, like, try to kidnap me again, so it’s something I’m comfortable with.” 

“You look nervous.” Dick said. 

Fuck kids and their openness. Aspen was starting to think that Dick knew he was a cute young man, and was using his innocent look against her. “...I am a little nervous.” She said after a minute. Under the table, Calum’s hand found her knee and squeezed in support. She took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s still kinda fresh, and I found out that some stuff happened while I was knocked out today that I didn’t know about, which is fun to deal with. But from a logical point of view, I know that Liam’s unlikely to do anything criminal with Falcone out of the way, and our best chance to get Falcone out of the way is to use his testimony. So.” She sliced a meatball in half and stuck it in her mouth so she didn’t have to talk about it anymore. 

Calum’s hand left her knee as he leaned in towards her. Aspen mourned the loss of its warmth, but she knew with Dick around the gesture was really risky anyways. “What was it you found out? You didn’t mention anything.” 

Aspen took her time chewing and swallowing. “Um. It’s just - you know what, I’d rather not talk about it at the table. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, it’s just new, you know?” 

To her surprise, Dick nodded sagely. “I know.” 

“...I guess you all would, huh.” Aspen commented, surveying the table for a moment. There was probably no other group that would understand better than the one she found herself in. She was lucky. Group therapy with catering. “Thanks.” She said, and she meant it. 

“We’re all here for you, Ms. McMichael.” Alfred said, and affection in his voice made Aspen feel close to tears. 

“Alright, alright, don’t make me cry at the table.” Aspen finished the spinach on her plate and laid her cutlery on her plate with the handles together. “Gangin’ up on me, the whole Batfamily, not a merciful bone in your bodies. I don’t know why I bother to come by.” 

Alfred started to gather the plates, but as Aspen stood up to help Calum laid a hand on her arm, stopping her from reaching her water glass. “Come up to my office? I want to know what happened at the meeting after I left.” 

Aspen tried not to get evasive. She knew what that meant. “Sure.” She chirped, drawing her hand back. “Call me for dessert, alright?” She said to Dick as she followed Calum out of the kitchen. He saluted, which she paused in the doorway to return. 

“Aspen?”

“I’m coming.” She said, hurrying to catch up to Calum. Every so often he’d do his fast busy-CEO-with-places-to-be walk again, and she’d have to rush after him like it was her first day all over again. It was rarely a good sign. 

She didn’t try to talk to him on the way to his office. She just followed in his slipstream until the heavy oak door was closed behind them. Before she could sit down in one of the cushy leather armchairs, he grabbed her hand, spinning her around so she was facing him. He held one hand at her jaw and the other at her waist, so she couldn’t move, couldn’t even turn her face away from him. He was going to press her for details, now. Interrogate her. 

“You should have said something sooner.”

Wait, what?

Aspen met Calum’s eyes, startled out of her apprehension. He brushed his thumb over her cheekbone, looking at her...  tenderly. Was this a ruse? Good cop sans bad cop? “I didn’t realize you were that shaken back there.” He continued.

She flexed her shoulder in the tinitest shrug possible. “It didn’t need to get in the way.”

Calum tilted her face in his grip, and she let him. She didn’t struggle as he looked her over, like he was trying to see through her. She wanted to, but she didn’t. “It’s important to me that you feel safe. I could have ended the meeting, I could have gotten you out of there. That’s why I went in the first place, right? Not to bother you. To look after you.” 

Aspen blinked. She hadn’t really thought about it that way. “I didn’t need to end the meeting. I did fine. I mean, sure, I had my moments, but - that’s not important.” She smiled a little. “But thank you.” 

She tried to crane up for a kiss, but Calum’s grip was unyielding. What? “No. Don’t try to distract me. This is important.” He said sternly. 

She sighed, and with his tight grip on her she knew he could feel it. “No, come on, I’m vulnerable. Give me some creature comforts here.” 

“Soon.” Calum said, sliding his arm around her shoulders and tucking her into his side. 

He lead her towards the couch, and once she sat down he adjusted her so her head was resting on his shoulder. “Bossy.” Aspen squirmed, but he only kissed her forehead in response. 

“Tell me about it.” 

Aspen took a deep breath. Exactly what was she gonna say? She could stall by willfully misinterpreting him, that was a start. “Well, I’m gonna be very generous and not wax poetic on you being a control freak, and a-”

“Quit stalling.”

“Fine.” She sighed. Might as well rip off the band-aid. “I didn’t know that Liam had put me in his trunk. I didn’t really think about the logistics of him driving me at all, but I just - learning that he just shoved me in the trunk kind of shook me for a second. So that wasn’t great.” Wait. Maybe she should have resisted his interrogation further. He was the one who had brought that up, not Finch, and realizing that - he’d probably feel like shit. “Like I said, it wasn’t a big deal.” 

This time, it was Aspen who could feel Calum sigh. “I forget you never watched the footage.” He said, by way of apology. 

“It’s fine. I’m especially glad I didn’t, now, but…” Aspen tried to laugh, but Calum didn’t budge. “I got through it fine, I really did. It was just hard to think about for a minute.” 

Calum turned his head to kiss her forehead again. She politely did not take this opportunity to jump his bones and distract him. “I have something else you’ll probably want to know, but you’re not gonna like it.” He didn’t even shift nervously under her, but she could feel tension in him grow. “It’s not that bad.” She said to soothe him. 

Calum laughed at that. “Whenever you say that, I get really nervous.” 

“Fuck off.” She said,but she was smiling bravely. At least they weren’t so distressed now. “You can’t, like, go on the warpath about this, okay?”

“Tell me.” 

Aspen braced herself. “After you left, Finch asked me to go to Blackgate and try to convince Liam to take the plea.” 

Calum didn’t move. 

That was worse than him sighing. Aspen twisted in his grip until he let go of her enough to let her turn sideways and pull herself into his lap, like a heroine on the cover of a romance novel. “I said no, of course, and I told him I wouldn’t tattle so you can’t go ballistic on him the next time you see him, alright?” 

He shook his head. He wasn’t looking at her, now, eyes focused sharp like he was going to set a lampshade on fire with his glare. “I should have stayed.” 

“No, you shouldn’t have. It’s his job to ask, Cal, and this way we know something about him we wouldn’t have otherwise.”

Calum was shifting now, like he was gonna get up and head after Finch right this second. “That he’s a rat bastard who doesn’t deserve to -”

“No, that he’ll do anything to get Falcone charged.” Aspen said. It was her turn to grab his face and make him look at her. His jaw felt like it was throbbing in her hands. “He goes after the big dogs. Maybe he’s a bit, um, obtuse about it, but we can use that.” 

She was right. Calum had to admit that. But now he was avoiding her gaze. She hadn’t seen him mad like that since… one of her stupid escapades, maybe. Somehow it was worse, seeing him all worked up over someone else. 

“I know it’s frustrating to not be able to do anything about it.” She said after a long moment of his silence. “But hey, on the plus side, I’m not lying to you about it.”

Calum snorted despite himself. “I would have found it out.” 

Aspen smiled, and pressed a kiss to his still lips. “No, you wouldn’t have.” 

He didn’t smile back against her lips, but he did bring a hand up to cradle her face. “I wanted to be there so you’d feel comfortable, so this would’t -” He cut himself off, looking at her as softly as he could manage. “Now would be a good time for you to try that distracting thing you do.” 

She could work with that. 

Aspen pushed on his shoulders, and for once Calum fell back easily, twisting so he was lying flat on the couch. She straddled his lap, taking a moment to look at him. On a whim, she tried reaching out and smoothing the wrinkle in his forehead. “You worry about me too much.” She said. 

“I worry about you just enough. Now come on,” he almost whined, reaching up for the back of her head, “get down here.” 

Her lips were on his before his hand could tangle in her hair, and for the third time that day, Aspen kissed him like she wasn’t his secret and they had all the time in the world. He brought his other hand down to her waist, dangerously low, and for a second she wondered if they had time. If they could fall apart together on this leather couch before dessert. They didn’t have the time, she knew that, but with the feeling of his lips on hers and the soft glide of their tongues she almost didn’t care. 

Calum sighed and shifted underneath her, and she lifted one hand from where it was supporting her to cup his face and direct the kiss a little more. Yeah, he was gonna break it off eventually, but she was going to make it as hard for him as possible. In fact… Aspen rocked gently on her knees, drawing herself over Calum’s groin, whimpering into his mouth just a little so he’d know how much she wanted him. Calum moved fast, grabbing her hips with both hands tight enough that she couldn’t do it again. “Don’t,” he warned. “We don’t have time.” 

Aspen made another little sound and rested her forehead against his, relaxing in his grip. Calum didn’t budge. Damn, he saw right through her ruse. “Jus’ wanna feel you,” she whined. 

“So feel me here.” He craned up to kiss her. 

“It’s not enough.” 

Calum sighed so big she could feel his chest rise against hers, then moved his hands to pull her in. One travelled back to the back of her neck, pushing her to nestle her face in the crook of his neck. “We’ll figure something out eventually,” He said. He was so close he only needed to flex his lips to kiss her neck. “But just this for now, okay?” 

“You know you’re only building the anticipation.” Aspen grumbled, squirming a little in his grip until she slipped down on one side of him. Her leg was thrown over his, and if she had been desperate she could have bucked her hips to taste a little friction that way. She wasn’t desperate, though. Not so much, not yet. “It’d be better to let it out in a controlled setting.” She grazed her fingers along his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin under his shirt. “I know you like to be in control.”

Calum caught her hand in one of his, holding it tight enough Aspen barely tried to tug it free before she gave up. “Why don’t you ever behave, then?” 

Aspen kissed his cheek. “You gotta earn it.” 

With that, she rolled away and stood up, leaving Calum on the couch. It was getting dark out now, and she used her reflection in the window to brush her hair back into place. In the slight warping of the glass, she could see Calum stand up behind her and make his way over, wrapping his arms around her waist to hug him into her. 

“Oh, you really are distracted.” 

Calum laughed a little, meeting her eyes in their reflection. “Can you blame me?” He cuddled her closer, and for once Aspen didn’t try to rub herself up against him. She could feel him pressing into her ass, hard enough to feel through their clothes. “You have no idea how much I want to bend you over my desk right now.” He continued, voice dropping low. “You’d be quiet for me, wouldn’t you, baby?” 

Aspen pulled herself out of his grip, face warm, and wheeled around to face him. He was smug, again, smirking back at her as she tried to regain her composure. This wasn’t fair. “Who’s teasing now?”

“I guess you’re rubbing off on me.” Calum grinned. 

“You - fuck off.” She tried to tuck her shirt in, although it hadn’t been before - she needed something to do with her hands. “I would be rubbing off on you right now if you weren’t such a fucking spoilsport.” She grumbled. 

Calum grabbed her hand and squeezed it once before letting it fall back to her side. “Let’s go downstairs, Penny. Dessert’s probably waiting.” 

“Coulda had dessert up here, but no, Calum wants his fuckin’ souffle.” 

He was still pleased with himself behind her, she could hear it in his voice when he said “Call it payback.” 

“For what?” 

As she opened the door, he pulled the knob from her hand so he could hold it for her, and maybe fix himself behind it. “Everything.” 

Aspen laughed, and she was still laughing when she caught sight of Dick coming down the hall. Fuck. She didn’t try to rein her laughter in, that would have just looked suspicious, so she just asked “Is dessert ready?” to signal to Calum that they had an audience. 

“Just about.” Dick said. He waited for them to reach him before they all started down the hall together. Even though she was a little miffed that she couldn’t keep flirting brazenly with Calum, it was nice to have all three of them walking down the hallway, almost like they were in slow motion. Almost like they were a family. Not that she was ready to be a mom to Dick, or anything - fuck, he’d been through enough, she didn’t need to inflict herself on him. 

But she’d stay as long as they asked her to. 

* * *

“I can’t believe you’re allowed to be up this late on a school night.” Aspen grumbled from her place at the control panel. 

“I’ve got all As.” Dick said evenly into his hot chocolate. 

“Yeah, well, when I was your age I had A bedtime.” Dick didn’t reply to that, and it took Aspen all of fifteen seconds of him giving her that serene yet challenging look he did for her to cave. He had almost definitely learned it from Calum. “I’m just fussing because I would have loved to do this when I was your age. I’m, like, retroactively jealous.” 

“Sure.”

Aspen pretended to glare at Dick, which finally got him to crack a smile and break his own facade. “You have whipped cream on your nose.” She lied, just to make him check. 

“Are you two playing nice in there?” 

Calum’s voice came through the comms they both wore, making them both sit up a little more in their chairs. When he was out on patrols, he had the option to tune into their channel or not, as he saw fit. They had the same option back at the cave, but they never really turned his feed down unless he was, like, eating a granola bar on a safe rooftop somewhere. Aspen knew she was powerless if things went sideways, of course, but it made her feel a little bit better. 

“Always.” Aspen said, at the same time that Dick said “No.”

Calum huffed a little under his breath. That was as close as he got to a laugh on these nights. “Alright.” They heard wind brushing past the mouthpiece, a tiny grunt as he settled on some surface. “‘S quiet tonight.”

“Too quiet?” Aspen asked, looking at the little red dot showing where he was in the city. 

“No. Like the last few nights.”

“Do you think it’s because Falcone’s in jail?” Dick pipped up. 

Calum took his sweet time answering. “That, or something’s coming.” 

Aspen rolled her chair over to the police scanner and turned it up a little. She didn’t want to think about that. She was sure she’d be able to handle whatever came her way, and Calum was too, or else she wouldn’t be allowed down here. She poked her tongue into the inside of her cheek, a nervous tick she’d developed when she was getting used to her scar healing on that side. 

She could handle a lot. She just had to remember that. 

“You could go break up a brawl at Amsterdarn.” She suggested after a moment of listening through the static. 

Calum snorted. 

Aspen didn’t blame him. Amsterdarn was one of those flashy mixology bars, which she could only assume was full of designer party drugs and weird things to smoke. Right now, Venom was more of a cheap, dangerous fix for those with nowhere else to turn, so there was nothing there to interest him. Just trust fund kids getting scrappy and giving each other bloody noses. 

As opposed to her trust fund kid, who did almost the same thing but in body armour. 

Whatever. If the GCPD couldn’t handle some rowdy financial analysts, they didn’t deserve to have the Batman risking his neck against the supercriminals out there. 

“I’m going to use this time to monitor a few active targets I’ve had my eye on.” Calum said finally. 

“Man, I’m sorry I’m stuck back here.” Aspen deadpanned. 

Dick laughed, but tried not to. “I’m glad to be here. I’m learning.” 

“Yeah, yeah, boy wonder.” She rolled her eyes. 

“It’s late.” Calum interrupted. “You should go home.”

Aspen had been thinking about it, but now that he had said that she was staying. “I’ll be fine. I only really need to be awake for an hour or two tomorrow, anyways, the only important thing I have planned is that meeting with the hospital.” 

“Oh, no big deal, then.”

“It’s a school night, you can’t talk to me.” Aspen fired back to Dick, and pretended to listen to the police scanner again. Maybe she should make gels tonight. Keep herself busy. She hadn’t had much need to run any DNA analysis gels, other than doing a few test runs and cute science experiments with Dick, but it would be good to be prepared. Shouldn’t make Gotham’s Caped Crusader wait on agar to harden. 

That was pretty much how the night went. Aspen made agar gels to keep herself awake, and Dick drank hot chocolate and monitored the console just in case. After an hour or two of listening to Calum breathe in her ear she looked up and realized the kid had fallen asleep, so she took a moment to go off coms and shepherd him into bed. She wasn’t sure if Alfred was awake or not, but she did feel confident that he’d appear if anything did go sideways so she didn’t mind looking after the cave herself. Just her and the bats, and she liked the bats. 

It was late - one? Two? When the call came through. Well, not call. Calum just said, very suddenly, after an hour of comfortable silence - “Did you hear that?” 

“Hear what?” Aspen’s stomach twisted. 

“Police scanner,” was all Calum said, and Aspen set her erlenmeyer down to hurry over to the little radio box. 

“...car 62-4, could we get a 10-9? Over.”

“10-100 near pier 72 at Port Adams, over.”

“Car 57-2, we’re about eight minutes away, over.”

“10-4 57-2, forensics is on its way. Over and out.” 

Aspen hadn’t memorized the police codes yet. She had a cheat sheet nearby - somewhere - fuck, she couldn’t find it. “What does that mean?” It wasn’t a shooting, it wasn’t a psych patient, a riot was a 10-34… 

“It’s a dead body.” 

Aspen bit her bottom lip. “Oh.” 

“I’m going to check it out. Might be able to get some good information before the CSI team tramples all over it.” 

Now was not the time for Aspen to argue with Calum over his disrespect of her (unknowing) colleagues, so she just nodded, even though he couldn’t see her. She knew a lot of trade went in and out of Port Adams every day, and a lot of it was underground. Cal was probably hoping this body would help him crack into a smuggling ring somehow, and she knew he loved racing the cops on almost every occasion. Aspen was still just getting used to responding to that kind of thing. 

Calum got there first, she could tell from the blip on the screen and his little pant of triumph as it got closer to the docks. “I see it. I’m setting the cowl to photography mode.” He said. 

“Sounds good.” Aspen said, like she was excited to look at pictures of a corpse.

“I’ll upload them to you as I - oh, no. Is he there?” 

Aspen’s stomach twisted. They didn’t use names on the comm, but she knew who he meant. If he didn’t want Dick to see the body, it must have been bad. “No, he went to bed.”

She heard Calum let out a long slow breath. “Good.” Another pause. “Shit.”

Aspen could hear sirens now through Calum’s mic. He had to get out of there before the Bat became a suspect, but before she could remind him the first of the photos uploaded to the console in the Batcave. It was dark, but her eyes didn’t even need a minute to adjust before it hit her like ice cold water - “Oh my god.”

She was a child. 

[actionjaxkol]

Meal of the Day: Lordaeron Surprise!

So this one is a little later than I wanted it to be. Why? Because yesterday was Hallow’s End. Oh my Light, I’ve never experienced a Hallow’s End before — well. I mean. I kinda had? But it was mostly running in fear from the people acting weird and suddenly there’s a fucking Horseman??

I could go on and on about Hallow’s End — and maybe I will! But for now, my apologies for the lateness. Apparently they weren’t joking when they said if you ate too much candy you’d get sick.

But what I actually wanted to talk about was this. I call it Lordaeron Surprise.

A little background I guess… At the Keg, one of my first real friends there was Vali, a totally normal human woman from the Northern region of the Eastern Kingdoms. There is absolutely nothing strange about her and she is just a totally normal Human woman with a totally normal pulse and respiratory system and all her skin.

She was also my first victim with Ice Soup. I still maintain that Ice Soup is delicious, nutritious and refreshing, but she has gone over the bar at me more than once with less than friendly intentions. I’ve been informed that is an ancient way of displaying displeasure. Duly noted.

So, being a totally normal Human, there were some certain things that she really enjoyed consuming. With certain meats that were uh… I was never really informed what they originally were, but I did find out that when the bounties are for heads, they don’t really keep the heads. Therefore certain… ingredients… were easier to find than you would think.

As long as you had a strong stomach.

But after tinkering with the recipe and bringing home some good ol’ Lordaeranian pumpkins, people started asking me to make it for them. Since…. they aren’t ya know… Uh. From the region… I had to improvise.

That is how the modern version of Lordaeron Special came to be.

Full disclosure: I have recently been asked to make a more friendly step by step version with visuals. And I had made this originally back before… ya know… Before Tirisfal got extra blighty. So some of these pictures had to be improvised after the fact… Sorry.

First, assemble your ingredients. For two small pumpkins you can use one pound of meat, one pound of Tirisfal mushrooms, half an onion about two cups of mixed veggies, and mashed potatoes.

As always, don’t be afraid to mix it up. This is one that’s really hard to screw up. I screwed it up but no one even noticed! Trust me, it’s okay to screw up, it’s how you learn.

There’s a little bit of prep for the pumpkins, so let’s do those first. Get your oven on medium-high heat (400F) and wash your pumpkins. Get all that residual blight and bat crap off of the rinds.

Next, we want to get the tops off and gut them…

This took a bit of effort to start, but once you’re in the tops come off pretty easily. Then you scoop out all the pulpy bits. This smells amazing. Save the seeds, you can bake them for an easy, tasty snack.

Now- Fry up your meat. I use mutton or beef, cuz… ya know… Stormwind and cows are everywhere, but you could use anything. Once the meat was about halfway browned, I threw in the sliced mushrooms, half of a diced onion, and some spices. Garlic, onion and thyme was what I used. Once the  meat is browned and the onions are well sweated, drain the juice off (I give mine to Oshu) and divide the meat between the pumpkins.

Next, sweat the vegetables and get them warmed up. Here’s my secret for this part — I like to use a little bit of beef broth and some flour and make a gravy with the veggies. I used about one pack of mage-frozen mixed veggies for two pumpkins.

Layer this in also. The last step before cooking is to add the mashed potatoes. I… actually am not super good at mashed potatoes, but Colin always has them prepped by the time I come in anyhow, so I just get some from the Potato Vat. You can either cut some up, boil them soft and mash them yourself — or use any shortcuts available to your disposal. I hear that there’s a Goblin product kinda like Mook’n’Cheez that makes instant foods. Not sure though.

You can either glop the potatoes on top for a rustic look, or do what I did and get all fancy and shit. I put them into a piping bag we use for desserts and covered the top.

Put the pumpkins in the oven and bake until the outside turns a bit darker and is soft. This step is kinda optional, but let me tell you, the freshness of the pumpkin being baked into the meat is just phenomenal. Plus then you can eat almost the whole thing!

The top gets a gorgeous crust that is to die for.

As they say in Tirisfal — Bone Apple Teeth!!

Ingredients:

1 lb meat (I used beef)

1/2 medium onion, diced

Mushrooms (optional, I just fucking love mushrooms)

~2 cups (or one pack frozen) mixed veggies

Enough mashed potatos to cover the top (about 3 cups?)

Spices (I used garlic, thyme, salt and pepper)

Optional – Beef broth and about 1 Tbs flour for discount gravy

Instructions:

Prepare your oven! Set it to about 400F

Prepare your pumpkins! Wash the outside, cut the top off and gut it. This part smells so damn good

Make sure you have mashed potatos of some shape or form. Access the Potato Vat

Brown your meats halfway

Once halfway browned, add in the mushrooms and onions

When meat is browned and onions are translucent, divide into the pumkpins

Add veggies to the pan, along with about 1/4 cup broth and the flour

Cook the veggies until warmed through but not overcooked. The gravy should be thickened by this point. You want them to still have a little cronch.

Divide the veggies between both pumpkins

Splorp potato onto the pumpkins until both are evenly covered. I am a man of class and science.

Bake until the tops have a nice crust and the outer rind is soft

Enjoy!

[6ad6ro]

an explanation post and small update about that thing that recently happened with that one ex friend. just fyi, this is very long:

first, some backstory. i have an issue where i often end up staying in abusive relationships (friends/family/dating) for way too long for various reasons. that said, this friend. they were always problematic. they would continue aggressively making passes at me even tho i rejected them constantly. like really gross passes that reminded me of why i “hate (stereotypical) men”. bc it was real bro-style creeping. hitting on me incessantly. always hanging all over me and making any excuse to have physical contact. making gross innuendo “jokes” that went too far just… always. at one point they licked my ear when we were taking a photo together. etc.

now i confronted them on this many times. asked them to tone it down. explained how uncomfortable and stressed they made me. told them “i’m sorry but i just don’t feel that way and i wanna be friends” like god SO often. my sister (used to be friends w them too) even would sit and we’d try to explain to them why they needed to stop.

but of course, they’d always reply to this with extreme defensiveness. say i was just over thinking it. that this is just who they were. that they joke with ALL their friends this way (sidenote i’ve seen how squeamish they can make their other friends). that “maybe i should rethink my standards for what is okay and not okay”. would even accuse me of being paranoid and “gaslighting” them. even when it got better, they were always making little jokes like “oh srry i wanted to pat you on the back but idk if you’ll get mad at me” like they really wanted to let me know i was in the wrong. and beyond that, they always seemed to be like actively trying to find new avenues of hitting on me.

and that was just the personal space issues. they’d also like rage at games when we played together? like slamming my controller to the floor when they lost. being overly competitive. being rude to my other friends if they were “holding them back” in a game. they’d actually criticize people who didn’t agree with how they wanted to play as being “unskilled” and “not real gamers”. and if you ever were beating them, they’d be all angry and say stuff like you were being “ cheap”. any mistake they made in a game was “people cheating”. but any time they did well (including purposeful exploiting), it was a boast worthy achievement. trashtalk all day but only they were allowed to do it.

it was weird too bc TBH THEY AREN’T EVEN ALL THAT GOOD. like overall, i’d almost always beat them. my sister too. they were mediocre at best. but of course… they’d literally make statements like “i almost always beat you” and “i usually win” when it was just… such a rare occurrence. its just… when it came to trying to have a fun play session with people, they put the game and winning above… you know… having fun w the rest of us? and sidenote they were always SUPER picky about what game we played. and when it came to options like “what guns to use” or “what stage to play”… you know how often people take turns so everyone is happy? on their turn, they’d get respect. but on everyone elses turn, they’d always like… fuck around and change options back to theirs and like revert stuff and just…

not that age matters but did i mention they were 27. i mean idk i only bring it up bc they reminded me so much of a little kid like esp about videogames. but there were a lot of other issues with them too. but i’ll just bring up the last big one. they… morally/politically? they tended to be in a cool direction in general. v “supports human rights overall” kinda person. but… they were the type who were idk v quick to judge? they would make extreme judgement calls with no information. they’d always end up fixated on conspiracies rather than perceiving things with moderation. people can think what they want imo, but the issue here is how they needed anyone close to them to agree with them too? 

example: one time i was driving w them in an area that had very little shops and it was late and i had forgotten to pick up a gift for someone we were meeting. just a small thing to thank them for a favor. the ONLY store open and around was walmart. yes fine walmart sucks but  idk i needed a gift. i mentioned i was gonna stop by there and they were like “no not walmart”. and i’m like “yeah i know lol” and they were like “no seriously we cant go in there”. long story they refused to go in, wouldn’t wait in the car, and made it out like if i went in that there would be a big problem. i ended up showing up to the person empty handed and it sucked. another time just recently i was gonna get some lays potato chips and they were like “ew no you can’t buy anything from the cocacola company” and like shamed me and walked off so i couldn’t get them. idk this kinda stuff happens all the time tbh? but it doesn’t stop at just like pretentious annoyance. they’d go HARD with political opinions too and if you disagreed w them they’d HATE you. not just internet forums or strangers. but friends. one time my sister (who for the sake of the story is pan and leaning towards non-binary) disagreed with them when they made a sweeping statement on fb about how some specific thing made everyone “transphobic”. anyways when my sister tried to discuss it with them they literally sicked their friends on her and insulted and browbeat her until she just had to leave. she got stressed at the end and yelled back finally and then they sent her a pm like “i’m really disappointed in you. i’ll be waiting for an apology when you’re ready to give it”. lol long story short my sis dropped them at that point. as she put it “i thought highschool was over”. she was already super mad at them for how they were treating me sexually anyhow tho like... srry but i guess one of my points is my sister is like one of the coolest, nicest, best people i know. she never drops people. but she dropped THEM. over the years i’ve asked them why they go from 0 to 11 so fast and why they don’t... idk... “lead” people into agreeing with them rather than angrily and violently just immediately demanding it? and as they put it “people with strong opinions will never change so don’t bother with them” and “i act how i do as an example to others of how to be a good person”. but god i guess just recently i came to realize that they were just... i don’t think they cared about other people. they just wanted to protect THEMSELVES above all else? they wanted a reason to judge people. it was all an excuse for them to feel self-righteous and act entitled and superior. oops i forgot to mention that they’re pan and gender-neutral as well? maybe they identify as trans but idk. the only reason i mention it is bc they definitely use it as a way to shame people and feel superior. i know it’s easy to be sensitive about that stuff considering, but they go above and beyond. and it’s weird that they’re all about human rights and w/e bc GOD they’re so gross sexually and... srry another example. so they’re a furry. totally fine imo. but one day we were walking around a downtown area with a lot of bars late at night and they were wearing fox ears/tail and bein themselves nbd. but we passed by a “drunkbus” right as cookie-cutter bros spilled out of it. one of them was like “hey i didn’t know the furry convention was in town” and i immediately got super angry and turned to say something. but then i looked to see my friend had just continued to walk away? i took a breath and walked back to them and was like “i’m so sorry like do you want me to say something?” and they were like “it’s okay some day i’ll fuck them until they like it” or “until i turn them” or god idk i think they maybe even used the term “rape”... alarm bells tbh. blahh i won’t go into any more details but lets just say how they act and how they say a person SHOULD act is a dictionary definition of hypocrisy. well anyways, i guess my point i wanted to make with this backstory is, as i’ve finally come to realize... they’re an immature, self-righteous, spoiled person with a pretty distinct martyr complex. and they’re kinda rapey. they always used to complain about all this drama they had and how awful everyone was to them... and it always sounded like “really bad luck”? but i realize now that they were just a tornado of selfishness with like no emotional control and they couldn’t keep friends for too long before it just had to end in a big flaming ball. sorry like i should point out i know they’re obv full of mental illness... but i don’t think they really go to therapy or seek help for any of it? like so many of us on here are pretty messed up but we do our best? this person is not doing their best. they clearly feel the world should change before they do. anyways anyways anyways. this friendship lasted for idk 2 years? 3? it was weird that i didn’t notice my own reactions as warning signs. like when i don’t know someone too well or am having issues... i’ll often bring another friend to hangouts as a sort of buffer. maybe uncool, but it helps. usually this only lasts for like one or two hangouts. but with this ex friend, it lasted the entire period. whenever i tried to hang out w them alone, a much bigger incident would always happen, and i’d go back to square one. but okay. the actual story of the incident: so i was always trying to get them to hang out with me and another friend bc i felt like we all had v similar hobbies, and this past tuesday it finally happened. we all hung out at other friend’s place and played games and ate food and outside of exfriend’s usual little issues, it went really well. at some point it was mentioned that sonic mania released that day. it was something we had all been very excited about, but we already had plans that day and some of us (me) didn’t want to experience the game the first time in a distracted social environment. but i mentioned “ugh i have a doc appointment early tomorrow but i’ll still dl it right when i get home. i better not play it tho lol weh”! when they heard i was buying it, they were like “oh man you gotta let me come over and try it”. i knew they were a big fan of the guy who made it and a huge sonic fan, but also that they had just lost their job and money was tight (i had to buy their food that day). i had a feeling they’d morally be against pirating it temporarily until they could afford it. so idk i was like “hey listen as long as we only play like the first act each, i could take you to my place before i drive you home. but only if you’re okay with being v quick bc i have dr in the morning”. sidenote they refuse to drive and don’t use a bike so hanging out with them always involved carting them around. and no before they lost their job (v recently), they coulda def afforded it. they literally were constantly buying insanely expensive collectibles like think of the most expensive gaming stuff you can and they prob have it. sealed panzer dragoon saga. vectrex with every game. fami twin with working disc system parts. ique with most games loaded. mint physical laserdisc copy (beta?) of dragons lair from the arcade machine. whatever. my point is they spent all their money on toys instaid of bettering themselves. we all do it but they took it to an extreme. one other thing... they only would communicate over their parent’s lan line phone and over facebook. they refused to have a cellphone. back to story. they excitedly agreed to my conditions and we went back to my place and installed the game. i started playing and god it was amazing (obv)! i got to the end of act 1 in a couple of minutes and was like “okay i should rly quit and hand it to you” but they were like “no no finish the zone” and tbh it was so good i agreed. so i played until i beat the boss and then i was like “okay i can’t go further” and quit and then handed it to them. i think the whole zone took me like... 5 minutes? this is when it started getting weird. i noticed my gf had called and like idk she was a bit worried bc i normally call her after i get home from my other friend’s place (we hang every tuesday like clockwork) and it had gotten really late but i forgot to let her know. it was really sweet and i didn’t want her to worry so i was like “hey uh shoot do you mind if i call her?” and tbh they were like already so absorbed in playing the game they weren’t even paying attention to me. but i had given them the rly comfy chair but it blocked the exit to the room. i couldn’t even squeeze by unless they moved first. so i started like asking them ‘hey uh do you mind pausing and moving so i could get by?”... nothing. again i asked. ignored. this went on for like idk 30 sec? a minute? until i finally was like hovering my finger over to hit the pause button like “can you please just pause so i can leave” like... and only then did they finally say “well fine but i don’t even know how to pause”. let me take the time to point out that they are prob the most techy person i know. esp about old game systems. they build flashcarts and repair ancient consoles and solder and mod and they worked the past 4(?) years at a legit retro game store. and they were amazing to begin with. it’s a small thing, but they coulda figured out how to pause a switch. they’d played one many times before too. so finally i have them pause it. and i’m like still standing there for 30 sec or so and they still aren’t budging? and i’m like “you uhh gotta get up so i can get by the chair is blocking me”. they continue to idk ignore??? i finally have to literally pick up the chair WITH them still in it and move it aside. only then could i pass. idk but i didn’t get angry or anything bc i was just relieved to finally get by. as i walked out of the room i mentioned to them “hey if i take too long just keep playing obv but when i walk in please pause it and quit immediately so i don’t see later level content plz” (i’m a big baby and have been avoiding all details for so long and was looking forward to the surprise lol). and they were like “okay” or something. i went out to my car and talked w my gf for god idk 15 or 20 min? i didn’t want to talk that long but she was going to bed soon and was a bit down/ill and i still wanted to talk to her and idk i knew worst case my one friend would love the extra time to play. and i felt like if i stayed out that long i could go in to a very satisfied friend, you know? so i get off the phone and head inside. i enter the room and am like “okay i’m back plz pause it like we gotta go”! ignored. i ask again kinda lol trying to plug my ears and not look. ignored. at that point i notice the same song from the first zone is playing and i look over and it is in fact the same level and i’m like ??? “wait how are you still on the first level??” and they were like “oh i’m completing all of the special stages”. the first thought i had was like oh wow cool they really wanted to stick to my initial request of only playing the first zone? unnecessary but v nice of them! i guess i was really reaching for an explanation lol... so whatever they still are playing so i sit down next to them and am watching them play for another minute or so. i was about to say something bc they still weren’t stopping but then i notice how close they are to the boss and am like “oh okay cool you’re p much to the boss so you’ll be done super quick”. they keep playing. at that point i notice they’;re like... taking sonic up and around the level kinda in circles? and backtracking? like? it’s really weird and i’m like “wait what are you doing” and they’re like “trying to get rings to complete the special stages”... so i’m like “uhh sorry tbh but i’m already way past when i wanted to go to bed is there any way you can just... go to the boss”?? and they’re still doing their thing and ignoring me and so i speak up again like “cmon like i’m really sorry but this doctors appointment is an obligation and i really need to get to bed”. and at that point they pause the game. stand up angrily. kinda fling the controller so it hits the table and falls onto the hard floor. they start kinda flailing their arms angrily and say in this really sour tone “oh im sorry i just thought you were gonna idk let me PLAY the GAME”??? i start replying like “listen i’m sorry i just like i don’t have a choice in the matter like i have to go to bed like you had like 3 times as much time as i did and idk maybe you can take the switch into the car or something idk??” and they just kinda angrily say “whatever whatever just stop yelling at me”. btw i’m not yelling. i’m definitely definitely not yelling. i’m not even angry. calm. nice. confused at best? and this isn’t one of those things where it’s like “im not yelling bc when i yell you really KNOW it”... i just wasn’t yelling by anyone’s terms. at that point i’m like “listen i’m sorry i just don’t know why this is becoming such an issue like idk maybe you can wear headphones in the car and keep playing later levels or...” and that’s when they’re like “it doesn’t matter just STOP yelling at me”. and the chair is in the way of the exit and needs to be like lifted and moved so we can leave. but at that point they take their foot and just KICK the chair across the room. at that point i’m kinda like “listen i’m sorry if i have a tone in my voice or am hurting your feelings but tbh it’s kinda hard to remain perfectly calm when you’re sorta throwing a temper tantrum and..” and that’s when they shouted as loud as they could “OKAY NOPE UH UH BYEEE” and swung open the door and ran through the house to the exit door. i’m trying to call after them like “shit i’m really sorry but i don’t have time to chase after you i gotta go to bed please can i just take you home like if you leave i gotta just let you and go to bed” and they ignore me and run outside. it’s like 2am at this point btw. i kinda go outside to check if they’re standing there cooling down but no. long gone. ran down the street i think. so i go back inside. turn the light out. and lock the door. i just dont have time to deal with this. i want to but i can’t. but i sit there for a few minutes. and... (maybe) the mentally ill/abused side of me is like “well you COULD go look for them and try to calm them down and drive them home and it wouldn’t take THAT much longer than you were gonna already spend driving them, right? worst case if you don’t find them you can just go home and go to bed”. and so i head outside.as i enter my car tho, i get this weird gut awful feeling of deja vu? i realise pretty quickly that this scenario was pretty similar to the ones i had pretty regularly with my one really bad ex gf. the one who was a manipulative sociopath that used me and cheated on me and also had no emotional control etc etc etc lol? and idk i was surprised bc... i thought that this part of my life had been over. but still... the dumb side of my brain ignored that and carried on. i drove along the path i assumed they walked, thinking maybe they woulda taken the time to calm down. after a bit i finally caught up to them. i pulled up slowly and kinda called out like “hey i’m really sorry like i never wanted it to go down that way like you’re my friend like let me take you home i’m really sorry”. they ignored me for a bit and kept doing that angry car walk thing as i had to slowly follow behind and continue apologizing. finally they stopped and came to the window. they were like “listen you can’t talk to me like that and abuse me like that like what you did was so awful and bullying and ..” and went on like that for a min. and i was like “listen i’m sorry and i know me using that one word in particular must have really set you off but idk..” like trying to explain to them why i said “temper tantrum” (BC THATS WHAT THEY FUCKING HAD BTW THATS WHAT IT GD WAS) but i was trying to be nice about it? so i continued on “well i mean the reason i said that was okay like i know you were agitated but you kinda like tossed my controller haphazardly and it hit the floor and yeah i’m sure it was an accident...” and at that point they stuck their head inside the window like super close to my face and shouted as loud and angrily and full of spittle as they fucking could “WELL MAYBE IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT THEN”!!!! i’m like... idk... adrenaline just dumps into my body. i’m giving this person so so so many chances tonight. being so nice. and this is a problematic friend to begin with. and they’re shouting in my face like this as i try to apologize to them so i can drive them home after they ran off. but i’m a pacifist and i try to avoid conflict. but still... i’m like, probably quietly, “you... you can’t just yell at me like that. you aren’t allowed to yell at me like that.” and they open their mouth and start shouting more. and that’s when i shout back “I WON’T LET YOU SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT”!!! idk if it scared them or what like i know i’m pretty booming and alarming when i shout idk but regardless they yanked their head out of the window and backed away from the car and i split second checked they were clear and i just floored it. but... i quickly slammed on the breaks. took a breath. decided i didn’t want it to be like this (do you see how stupid/messed up i am). i put it in reverse and turned around to back up. but i have to slam on the breaks. thank god i was only idling at that point. bc they’re pressed RIGHT up against my back bumper. i’m trying to comprehend all this bc there’s a v big sidewalk and they were on it when i started to speed off so why are they right behind my car now? a BIG alarm bell goes off in my head but i ignore it. i stare at them as they wait pressed against my bumper for like half a minute, giving them “what are you doing” eyes and gestures. finally they come back to the window. i’m like “listen. i’m really really sorry. it’s okay if you hate me. we don’t have to talk about it or at all. i made a mistake. i’m very sorry. can i just... take you home? i feel bad. we can try and work out this stuff later if we have to”. at that point they start yelling at me again (not screaming but just normal yelling) and telling me how awful and bullying and abusive etc i am and how their reactions were justified and idek bc they started walking off again. FINALLY. FINALLLLLY. my brain accepts this situation as fairly impossible and unreasonable and i decide i gotta be done. i just... can’t? anymore?? even if i wanted to... i don’t have time? so i pull up next to them and say sternly “you know what? you can’t treat your friends like this or they will LEAVE you.” and i sped off. i think i heard them screaming after me like “YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE” but god knows like my car is junk but i had floored it so they were long gone. okay so that’s PRETTY much the end of it. i decided pretty quickly after that that i was DONE with this person forever. that this wasn’t the kind of friendship i wanted. over the next few days i came to realize i should have been done with this person almost immediately. again, weird parallels to my worst ex. you don’t have to be dating someone or romantic w them for it to be a super abusive relationship. well anyhow i decided to avoid facebook or communicating w them for a bit so i could figure out how to like “officially end it”. because i was sure that they’d have gone on fb and written one of their common “i’m sorry i acted that way BUT” fake apologies where they pretend to be sorry but then negate the apologies by justifying all their behavior by making me out as some super abusive monster. 3 days later, i bite the bullet and check facebook, bc i realize this also is a pretty easy way for me to like... end it with them in a polite and cordial way? to pretend i don’t hate them. to talk to them in a way that hopefully keeps them from freaking out at me the next time our paths cross? also bc deep down i still do remember the good times and have a bit of respect for them. sure enough, it was there. the half-apology that leads into “you need to learn how to talk to people”. “you bullied me just like this person”. “when you talk to anyone you should use this tone”. tbh i only barely glazed over it. i started my reply along the lines of “i don’t want to get into a big discussion about what happened, but i think it would be best if we parted ways. i don’t think we’re compatible as friends. i hope we can be polite if we ever run into each other again. i’m really sorry that it turned out this way.” etc etc etc. part way in, i noticed their last short msg. sent way after the initial bunch of “sorry not sorry”s. it was just a half sentence. “i guess i should apologize for jumping in front of your car...” ... THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE. THAT BASTARD. THEY REALLY DID IT. THEY REALLY WERE TRYING TO FORCE ME TO INJURE THEM WITH MY CAR SO THEY COULD ENTRAP ME OR SUE ME OR FUCK MY LIFE UP. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CRAZY AND PARANOID WHEN I HAD THAT THOUGHT BUT IT WAS TRUE. THAT ABSOLUTE LUNATIC. *deep breath* i’m still shaken. it was just a fluke that i didn’t step on the gas before i noticed them against my bumper. it EASILY could’ve gone down in the worst way. god. and all this over me asking them to stop playing sonic mania. tbh the experience kinda soured the game a bit for me? i mean... thank god it’s so good but really who even gives a shit bc it’s just a game like GOD fucking DAMN i can’t believe i had something so FUCKED happen at this stage in my life. i know it’s a really self-hating thing to do to blame myself for having someone like that around but... my. god. i ended up sending the fb message that i was initially planning and ignoring all the impulses to scream at them or call some authority (idek what i could do here) or tell them they need immediate help or what bc what the fuck. and i haven’t checked fb since. i wanna be done forever. i don’t ever wanna see or hear or hear about this person again. it’s a bit silly but i’m cleaning house and getting rid of all the stuff they got for me (i rejected most of their “wooing” gifts but a few still got through bc general gift exchange”. i know it’s messed up but i even washed all the clothes i was wearing w them regardless if it needed a wash or not. maybe it was symbolic. but they’re dead to me. god. it’s not just for the best it’s goddamn mandatory.

ANYWAYS so that’s it i guess. sorry i know how long this was. i don’t REALLY expect anyone to read through all this. but if you do, plz lmk so i can say thanks i guess lol? it’s just nice to get it all out there bc it kinda messed me up... really bad? idk. and oh um i’ll still reply to people individually for asking about the previous post that related to this? but it’s taking me a bit to do replies bc i’m just... kinda scared regarding social stuff rn considering.  i guess the last thing i’ll say is if part of you is telling yourself that someone is abusive and you find yourself constantly making really big considerations or umm excuses just to hang out with someone? maybe don’t. there are many good people out there for you. abusive people can be dangerous. be careful and try to surround yourself with nice, happy people. <3

[amaloaf]

All of them

3 Fears3 things I love2 turns on2 turns offMy best friendSexual orientationHow tall am IWhat do I miss right nowFavourite colorDo I have a crush ^ already answered these

Favourite place

my room of the senior lounge in my school

What am I listening to right now

a davenchurch playlist (current song: Something I Need- One Republic) 

Shoe size

9-10 womens

Eye color

brown and gold

Hair color

ALSO brownish-gold

Meaning behind my URL

haha Fenton called me a walking paradox as a joke and it stuck!

Favourite song

literally dont have one but im currently loving “Waving Through a Window” from the dear evan hanson soundtrack

Favourite band

either panic! at the disco or fall out boy

How I feel right now

absolutely awful but you sending this completely boosted my mood!! 

Someone I love

oh sweet jesus, Fenton and Ellie and Pear and Cade and Vinny and Dylan and Sydney and Daffy and Simon and Nico and Jayme and Kiwi and Arily and this is going overboard but i cannot hold all my love in

My current relationship status

painfully single and desperately needing to get laid

My relationship with my parents

no

Favourite season

fall

Tattoos and piercing i have

none, unfortunately 

Tattoos and piercing i want

a septum piercing, 1mm gauges, a second piercing, an outer ear ring, sleeve tats of intertwining roses and dandelions, magnus’ railsplitter somewhere (im still deciding on where..) 

The reasons I joined Tumblr

all my middle school friends had it

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

not anymore

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

i kissed my dad before 

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

cosmetically? five minutes max

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?

unfortunately i did yesterday  

Where am I right now?

at my desk, sitting on pile of laundry im neglecting 

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

i like it quiet

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

both, but unhappily 

Am I excited for anything?

death, also graduation i guess

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

my friends Cade and Dylan are good buddies 

How often do I wear a fake smile?

….. next question

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

the mcelroys, specifically travis 

What do I think about most?

not to be dark but death 

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

neither, but behind if i have to be

What was the last lie I told?

“no mom i totally bought this”

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i dont do either v much but i really like vids when i can get them

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes (i saw three ghosts in my life)

Do I believe in magic?

hell yeah

Do I believe in luck?

mostly

What’s the weather like right now?

clear night skies with a slight fall nip in the air

What was the last book I’ve read?

animal farm by george orwell 

Do I have any nicknames?

M.K., M, Loaf

Do I spend money or save it?

both? 

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nope!

Favourite animal?

hgnnnnn cant choose, maybe sharks?

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping 

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Hips Dont Lie! 

What is my favorite word?

bludgeoning because im a nerd 

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

CUT THE CRAP AND LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN PEACE GOD DAMN IT

Do I have any relatives in jail?

i deadass dont talk to my family but im p sure one of my cousins was arrested last week 

What is my current desktop picture?

that picture of the sloth photoshopped on a dolphin with the P!NK lyrics

Had sex?

B)

Bought condoms?

no

Gotten pregnant?

oh god no

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

no but my first kiss with a boy i got sprayed on at a waterpark 

Had job?

im a partime paralegal 

Smoked weed?

yep

Smoked cigarettes?

for a long ass time in middle school (if im bein real honest im going to pic it back up again probably)

Drank alcohol?

ya

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

definetly not

Been overweight?

currently am

Been underweight?

when i was born

Gotten my heart broken?

plenty of times

Been to prom?

yes

Been in airplane?

oh yeah, i love flying

Learned another language?

took spanish for 10+ years and dont know a damned word of it 

Wore make up?

ye

Dyed my hair?

no but i really want to 

Had a surgery?

yes! some work on my ear after i fucked it up as a baby

Met someone famous?

a band called After Romeo 

Stalked someone on a social network?

i tend to go through social media when i find new accounts i like but its never stalkerish 

Been fishing?

got the license and everything

Been rejected by a crush?

yea, ive only ever had one crush where it panned out 

What do I want for birthday?

a binder 

Do I like my handwriting?

no

Where do I want to live when older?

idk, im praying i dont end up back in vegas

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

got caught reading awful porn once does that count

What I’m really bad at

ohh im really holding back on saying “everything” but if i had to choose wind instruments 

What my greatest achievments are

my art, my relationships, my baby handling skills

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

ill give you the second worse: “ well at least being a fattass made you bouncy”

What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy a house, get a super crazy nice computer, give some money to the friends listed up earlier on the list and draw for all eternity 

What do I like about myself

my eyes and my good heart and my ability to fake good things

My closest Tumblr friend

oh definitely Fenton or @whyldkratts

Any question you’d like?

feel free to send in your own question! 

Are you outgoing or shy?

yes

What kind of people are you attracted to?

soft bellies, thick legs and hips, nice pecs, soft long hair, nice lips

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

idk maybe? i hope so, yall can feel free to make the first move ;3

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

no, i actually like it! 

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my buddy Cade

What does the most recent text that you sent say?

ok

What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Something I Need, Michel in the Bathroom, For Forever, Waving Through a Window, and Freeze Your Brain 

Do you like it when people play with your hair?

oh yes!! please play with my hair!!! ((and playing with OTHER peoples hair??? oh boy howdy dont even get me started!!!!))

Do you think there is life on other planets?

hell yes! 

Do you like bubble baths?

sure, no real pref either way

Do you like your neighbors?

NOPE

Where would you like to travel?

yes!

Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleep

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

*sweats* yes?? (probably my boobs and stomach, also my arms)

What do you do when you wake up?

stare at the ceiling and mentally prepare myself for the day

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker, it lost a lot of melinin when i hit puberty for some reason??

Do you ever want to get married?

yes! even if its just a platonic life partner marriage! 

If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yep

Would you rather live without TV or music?

telivision my man

Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yep! one time it went to shit the other time it went fairly ok

What are your favorite stores to shop in?

target and hot topic

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

normally yes but you gotta kno when to get the hell away from certain folks

Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

OH yeaaah

Ever wished you were someone else?

every god damned day

Favourite makeup brand?

cheap 

Last thing you ate?

mashed potatoes

Ever won a competition? For what?

won a college science fair in middle school once 

Ever been in love?

im always in love

Facebook or Twitter?

twitter always (pst mines @emiglody95

Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr 

Are you watching tv right now?

no

What colour are your towels?

beige and brown 

Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookie dough or coffee 

First person you talked to today?

my mother or Ellie i can remember 

Last person you talked to today?

Pear or my day, again i cant remember 

Name a person you hate?

Prestly, Kevin, Zoe, Mike

Name a person you love?

hmm ive already listed a lot of people already so lets go with: Wilson

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

remember Kevin from two asks ago? 

Do you tan a lot?

im outside a lot but my tan is mostly natural 

Have any pets?

my dog, Gus! 

Do you type fast?

yes actually!! 

Do you regret anything from your past?

im not lookin to type a paragraph so lets go with yes

Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah,, 

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

every day

Is cheating ever okay?

no, but if your partner got seriously fucked up and it was a total accident and you trust them then MAYBE you can reconsider not throwing their asses out

Do you believe in true love?

to an extent 

What your zodiac sign?

leo! 

Do you believe in ghosts?

id better ive seen three of ‘em

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“ Its fine”, she said primly as she turned back to the trays of jewelry. 

[gyrlversion]

Munchies’ Farideh Sadeghin Is a Regular at Her Local Slice Joint

Farideh Sadighen at L’Industrie in Williamsburg.

Photo: Christian Rodriguez

As the culinary director at Vice’s Munchies, Farideh Sadeghin’s days are split into two distinct modes of eating: “I make nice, really great things at work,” she says, “and when I leave I have random junky things like pizza and fried clams and hot dogs.” (As of this year, she’s also the host of “The Cooking Show With Farideh,” a goofy and candid stand-and-stir.) This week, Sadeghin realized she can’t go a day without chocolate, got in not one but three styles of pizza, had clam chowder and lobster rolls on Long Island, and celebrated her birthday with dinner at Keen’s and karaoke. Read all about it in this week’s Grub Street Diet.

Thursday, May 2 I wake up around 6 a.m. most days and either run outside or at the gym. I’m not a morning person, exactly, but I can get out of bed. I don’t drink coffee (well, once in a blue moon, but it makes me fucking hyper and nauseous). I also don’t really eat breakfast, so when I get home from the gym or whatever, I shower and walk to work. I live in Bushwick and the office is in Williamsburg, so it only takes around 40 minutes most days.

Once at the office, I started on the first test of a recipe for gluten-free almond-and-blueberry scones I was working on for “The Cooking Show.” I used only half a cup of blueberries and ate the rest. The scones came out good, maybe a little salty. They looked more like cookies than scones, which maybe I wasn’t mad about? Had to think on that. I wanted to riff a bit on strawberry shortcake, but with blueberries and maybe nectarines.

I showed Amanda, our kitchen manager, how to fillet a salmon, and we decided to pickle some, gravlax some, and cook some for lunch. My intern tested a recipe for the katsu sando from Matt Abergel’s book, Chicken and Charcoal. Had a bite of that, too.

I set up a station for Abra Berens, author of Ruffage. She made a recipe from her book, a stewed eggplant and tomato dish. I made it the day before so we had a swap and threw that in the oven to heat. She came and I took her to the rooftop garden to grab some random herbs and flowers to garnish the dish. I scarfed down some eggplant stew and a chunk of bread.

After she left, I started on another possible recipe for the show, this time for stuffies (a classic Rhode Island recipe; basically breadcrumbs, chorizo, and clams stuffed into some quahog shells and baked). They’re great, but have too much hot sauce, so I planned to remake them the next week. Amanda made a shredded cabbage and arugula salad with some lemon juice and olive oil and I ate a large bowl of that. Needed some greens. I also grabbed a handful of M&M’s, because also needed some chocolate. We always have M&Ms in the office as snacks, plain and peanut. (I keep a stash in the freezer at work, also at home. Chocolate is always better cold, IMHO.) We used to have peanut butter M&Ms which are the best, but we don’t have those anymore. I don’t know, fucking cutbacks, man.

I went to boxing that night (I have never been a “workout class” person, but a friend got me into this and I like it for my hand-eye memory stuff). I grabbed a glass of wine from the Four Horsemen afterwards and then wandered over to L’Industrie for a slice (the Farmer, with goat cheese, guanciale, crème fraîche, honey, and basil). I walk by it daily to and from work, and the pizza is awesome. I go almost every week. Always crispy and light, naturally leavened. I like to go in there and talk shit with Massimo, the owner, and Nick, one of the pizzaiolos.

I walked home and decided that I needed chocolate. There was none left in my freezer, but I managed to scrounge up the last Cookie Time Afghan biscuit I brought back from a trip to New Zealand in February. They’re chocolatey and crunchy. I thought there were potato chips in them … but, nope, Googled to confirm, and it’s actually cornflakes.

Friday, May 3 6 a.m. wake up. You now know my morning routine, except this time, I ate the other half of my cookie before walking out the door to work. There were chocolate crumbs, and you don’t want to waste those. They’re from New Zealand!

On Fridays, Vice gives us bagels and Peter Pan doughnuts. I tore a fourth of a bagel and slathered it with veggie cream cheese (honestly never, ever liked veggie cream cheese before, but I am a convert as of, like, a month ago). An hour later, I saw a box of doughnuts still there and broke into one of them, too. To any of my colleagues reading this, yes, I am the dick who breaks off pieces of the bagels and donuts on Friday, leaving remnants of dough, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I tested a new recipe I’m developing for a peanut butter–chocolate tart with a gluten-free crust. Kind of like a Reese’s peanut butter cup? The crust was not good. At all. But the chocolate and peanut butter layers were fucking great. Also, cooked up some escargot that was leftover from a shoot and snacked on snails.

Our West Coast senior editor Hilary was in town so we baked an impossible flan together. It’s a classic Mexican dessert that I’m putting in our third cookbook. Basically, you pour some caramel in a cake pan, then chocolate cake batter, then a flan mix, cover it with foil and bake it in a water bath. The layers separate and once it is baked and cooled, you flip it out and the caramel is on top, then the flan, then the cake. It’s really good, but the version I’d been working on has been giving me some trouble, so I’m tweaking it.

Made some cookie dough to freeze for the Altro Paradiso bake sale Natasha Pickowicz organized to benefit Planned Parenthood. I love cookie dough and will eat it raw forever, always. Totally forgot that I had weed-infused cookie dough portioned out in my freezer that I should eat!

Also made some onion dip for a going-away party we hosted in the kitchen later that night for one of the founders of Munchies and executive producer, Chris Grosso. Detroit-style pepperoni pizzas, some steaks from DeBragga, roasted chickens, salad, cheese boards, ricotta cheesecake. Lots of wine. Maybe a little too much wine, TBH. Some cheesecake may have ended up on the ceiling? We ended up at a friend’s later that night with Archie’s pizza and freshly baked peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies. I was passed out, sitting on the couch, I’d keep waking up, they’d be like pizza is coming soon, I’d be talking and pass out again. You know how it goes.

I was sent home with a goodie bag of cookies. I ate a couple more on my ride home.

Saturday, May 4 Woke up early, despite being able to sleep-in. Ate a cookie. Drank a can of tangerine LaCroix (drinking an ice-cold can of soda from the can is my personal hangover cure). Popped in a slice of Vogel’s bread to the toaster (another souvenir from my trip to New Zealand). Vogel’s bread is the best bread, ever. Four-inch squares, pretty dense. It takes two go’s in the toaster to toast it. I slathered on some butter and Marmite (the NZ kind, not the English kind). It’s similar to Vegemite, maybe a touch sweeter. I LOVE the stuff. I know Marmite and Vegemite can be quite polarizing in general, but I lived in NZ for around seven years (I was working as a chef while over there) and became addicted to the stuff. My recent trip was the first time I’d been back in almost seven years, so I stocked up on all my favorite foods.

Vogel’s in hand, I grabbed my camping stuff (thankful I had set out most of it throughout the week so I had less to pack with my foggy brain). My friends Kim, Lili, Eleanore, and I drove out to Long Island to camp for the night. We stopped at Bigelow’s Clam Shack on the way and got a bowl each of Manhattan and New England clam chowder and mixed them. Not sure if that is something everyone does, but it is definitely a Maryland thing with crab soup, and doing it with chowder works just as well. Also got Ipswich clams (with tartar sauce for me) and coleslaw. Had a Budweiser. Oh, also shrimp cocktail. I’m 100 percent a seafood shack person.

Kept driving and stopped at Lobster Roll on our way to our campsite. Split a few lobster rolls, ate some fries, drank some wine. (Don’t worry, Kim was the designated driver.) Also had a chocolate egg cream. Grabbed some extra pickles to have with dinner.

Got to our campsite to set up camp. Drank wine on the beach. Built a campfire and ate cheese. A huge seagull grabbed our huge knob of blue cheese and flew off with it. We ate Manchego and gouda instead, plus oysters that Eleanore had grabbed from Greenpoint Fish and Lobster before we left the city.

Grilled up some hot dogs I had from Olympia Provisions. Ate those with spicy brown mustard and Dijon. Mustard is my favorite condiment, so I double down on my dog. Also topped it with crispy shallots and crispy garlic. Oh, and one of those pickles from before.

Had stowed away a Cadbury almond chocolate bar and ate a lot of that with more wine. A bit of whisky, but mainly wine, then crawled into my tent.

Sunday, May 5 Woke up to a lot of rain hitting the tent. It definitely sounded worse in the tent than actually being outside, but still, rain sucks when you have to pack up a campsite. Kim made a Spanish tortilla and stuck a candle in it. My birthday was on Monday, so they sang to me (I really hate when people sing HBD to me), then we sliced into the tortilla, topped it with lots of hot sauce. I should mention that this all happened in one of the tents since it was raining.

Drove out to the lighthouse. Didn’t get out of the car because: rain. Went into town to get coffee and some food at Anthony’s Pancake House. Kim got banana pancakes, Eleanore got the club sandwich, and I got mozzarella sticks. We wanted soft serve from John’s Drive-In, but the rain just didn’t really get us in the mood, so we grabbed some Cool Ranch Doritos and Cheetos for the road.

Got home and put away all my wet camping crap. Showered and got into comfy clothes for the couch. I cook a ton at work, so I usually opt for easy things when I’m home that don’t require a ton of effort. My fridge is often full of only condiments. Also eggs and flour tortillas and fermented bamboo shoots.

I made a box of ash-e reshteh from Sadaf Foods. Ash-e reshteh is an Iranian soup with noodles and beans and herbs. My dad is Iranian and made something similar growing up (minus the noodles), and it is kind of the perfect thing to eat on the couch when it’s raining (warm, filling, comfort food). He’d do it in the crockpot, and you would eat it for a week straight. The smell of it reminds me of my dad in a good way.

Monday, May 6 It was my birthday. Went to the grocery store and got stuff to make BLTs (one of my all-time favorite sandwiches). The grocery store had Peter Luger’s bacon, so I grabbed a couple of those and some sourdough, tomatoes, and lettuce. Also a Carvel ice cream cake because Tuesday was my colleague Peter’s birthday and we were going to celebrate our b-days with ice cream cake (mainly because I love ice cream cake). I bought some Klondike bars, too, because if I have learned anything about myself while documenting what I have been eating for the last five days, it is that I cannot go a day without chocolate. The guy at the register sang “Happy Birthday” to me which was weird but fine. Ate a Klondike bar on my walk back to the office. P.S. Klondike bars are a lot less thick than they used to be. What’s up with that?

Laid the bacon out on trays and baked it all, toasted the bread, sliced and seasoned the tomatoes. Duke’s mayonnaise, but only because we didn’t have Hellman’s. Ate my BLT standing in the kitchen (I often find that I eat while standing at work). Got mayo on my neck somehow. Also had sour cream and onion chips. Fuck, those are the best, especially with a sandwich. I usually put chips on my sandwiches, but in the case of the BLT, sour cream and onion chips are enjoyed on the side. If you’re not putting chips on your sandwich, you’re doing it wrong.

Was delivered a package of Bagel Bites and Totino’s Pizza Rolls. I had no idea from who, until my friend Laura texted me about a package. She’s visiting next weekend from Richmond, so I decide to not immediately open and bake them all, but pop them back in the freezer and will make them for her visit. Only the best for my guests.

Left work a little early and met my friend Kate at the bar at Keen’s Steakhouse. She got there before me and ordered some crudités. I have to say, celery is fucking great. I love a celery stick. Had a dirty gin martini, four olives. We ordered and split the prime-rib hash, a wedge salad, and creamed spinach. Switched to a Manhattan and drank two of those. Came out from the bathroom to a piece of Key lime pie with a candle stuck in it. Nobody sang. The crust was very good. The pie was, too.

Forced Kate to go to karaoke and sing some songs. I may or may not have a note in my phone of just karaoke songs. Pat Benatar and 4 Non Blondes were definitely sung. We were the only ones there, which, you’d think would be cool, but I kind of like seeing other people sing awkwardly. Finished the night with a Maker’s on the rocks. Maybe two?

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[thisislizheather]

February Feats

So happy that February flew by this year, although with no snow in New York it felt a little sacrilegious. I think this has been the least snow I’ve ever experienced in a winter in my life and it feels awful. There’s still a few weeks left of the season, so I guess that could change but I mean snow in March? Give me a break. Here’s what went down this month.

NATHAN DID THE TONIGHT SHOW! And it was amazing. So crazy proud. I got to go with him to 30 Rock and everyone was so nice and it was incredible.

I rewatched As Good As It Gets and what a terrible movie! No way in hell would Helen Hunt get together with Jack Nicholson. C’mon.

I started watching The Haunting of Hill House and I don’t think I’ll continue. Reasons? 1. I don’t think I like horror shows. Movies? Sure, that’s a fun time with an end date of a few hours. 2. What awful parents would keep their millions of children in a house like that? 3. Maybe it was a bad idea to start this in February, when it’s nowhere near spooky season, that might be my fault.

Saw Happy Death Day 2U with Nathan on Valentine’s Day because I wanted to see something and WOOF, what a nightmare of a movie. I knew it would be terrible, but it still shocked me.

Read Ellie Kemper’s latest book.

Finally caught up to the end of season four on Broad City and goddam is that a perfect show. Excited to start season five soon.

I rebought Essie’s Apricot Cuticle Oil because I used to love it and then finished it and forgot about it. It’s such a great product but you do have to use it at least semi-daily to see a real difference in your cuticles.

Went to Charlie Palmer Steak for a Restaurant Week lunch and even though the environment is kind of stuffy, the food was really good. I love when pasta is offered as an appetizer, it’s always the perfect amount. The tagliatelle was really good and the steak sandwich was great (if not a little too bread-y). That sandwich is also the “official sandwich of Madison Square Garden” which everyone tells you a thousand times upon entering the restaurant, so that’s something too, I guess?

CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SHOW TO COME OUT mainly because of how amazing the book is. Airs March 15!

Love that Trader Joe’s keeps putting out new candle scents. The Lemon Cookie one is fantastic.

Loved the Big Mouth Valentine’s Day special. Obviously over the moon pleased that the lady bug was in it.

So I tried Ree Drummond’s Caesar salad dressing recipe and I wasn’t a huge fan of her dressing itself  (Teigen’s dressing is better but of course it is because of the mayo), BUT I loved the way she does her croutons. They turn out really crunchy on the outside, but still super soft on the inside, it’s genius and I’ll include how to do it below.

Ree Drummond’s Croutons recipe: Slice the (French or ciabatta) bread into thick slices and cut them into 1-inch cubes. Throw them onto a baking sheet. Heat some olive oil in a small saucepan or skillet over low heat. Crush-but don't chop-the garlic and add them to the oil. Use a spoon to move the garlic around in the pan. After 3 to 5 minutes, turn off the heat and remove the garlic from the pan. Slowly drizzle the olive oil over the bread cubes. Mix together with your hands, and then sprinkle lightly with salt. Toss and cook in the pan until golden brown and crisp. Add a little butter for more flavor.

Honestly, those croutons were so good that I had a few leftover that I put in a pappardelle tomato pasta the next day and… whoa. Have you ever put croutons in a pasta before? Holy fuck was it good. The crunch factor in an otherwise texture-less dish was unbelievable. How is this not a thing that everyone is doing? We all need to wake the fuck up.

I also made Ina Garten’s cauliflower toast and my god, IT WAS AMAZING.

A new bar opened in my neighborhood called The Huntress, so we went and it’s pretty good! It’s mostly a wings places and they were really tasty (and that’s coming from someone who does not enjoy wings - the bones are too tiny and gross and no thanks), but these were really good. They also have poutine (!) on the menu, and even though the gravy is much too salty, the beautifully authentic curds were appreciated.

I always forget about the one bottle of Tom Ford nail polish I have, but it lasts me a full week whenever I wear it. I mean, the price is stupid, but it does last a decent amount of time.

Have you heard of the site or the book Desserts For Two? Pretty self-explanatory, but it’s created by a woman who makes recipes specifically for two people. I tried her chocolate cake recipe for Valentine’s Day and it was delicious. The cake was so good, but I really didn’t care for her frosting, if you do try this one definitely find a better icing recipe online or better yet just buy the premade one they sell at grocery stores. Or even just top it with Nutella. Fuck, I’m hungry now.

Watched all of Difficult People and I mean… SUCH a great show, which everyone obviously knows by now, it just took me awhile to finally get there and see it. Other than it being a great show, I was completely in awe of Julie Klausner’s wardrobe. I wanted everything she wore.

This Lemon, Bacon, Kale, Cauliflower pasta blew my face off, I made it three days in a row.

I rewatched a lot of the last season (spoilers ahead) of Dawson’s Creek (does it sound like a don’t have a job? I do! I just don’t work very hard) and when Jen dies and then Grams says to her, “I’ll see you soon, child. Soon.” I fucking sobbed. BUCKETS. My god. I mean, see for yourself. (And if your reaction isn’t quite as strong as mine… look inside yourself, maybe.)

I have wanted to try this Serious Eats  potato recipe forever so I did and it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. Some of the potatoes turned out the way they were supposed to, but you’re really supposed to do this technique with a real oven and not a tiny convection one like I have. The few that came out the way they were supposed to were really good and crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, but the effort involved in this recipe was too next-level. Maybe as a Thanksgiving recipe it’d make sense?

I watched the Versace series on Netflix and holy heavenly fuck, it’s a bad one. I only lasted about three episodes before I just couldn’t go any further. SO terrible.

Had a slice at Scarr’s in the Lower East Side and it was very decent, definitely one of the most solid pepperoni slices in that area. UPDATE: Definitely don’t go late at night, they’ve been sitting around all day and they suuuuuuck right before closing.

I now know how to make a steak at home and there’s no turning back now. I’ve been forever intimidated by cooking steak at home because it seemed like such a hard thing to do properly. (I did it once a few years ago and, like, tripled the amount of cream sauce I put on top and felt so sick I didn’t ever want to do it again.) But I did it on two separate occasions this month and I think I’m maybe kind of a pro at it now? This Tasty video helped so much. The only tip I can offer is to use normal salt and not the course kosher salt that I did on steak #1, that baby was inedible because of that course salt. Oh! And for the sauce that you obviously have to serve your steak with, it’s best to grind your own peppercorns in a spice grinder. I don’t know why, but I feel like this was the most important step. I have a lot of steak thoughts. I’ll stop.

I tried the tacos at Empellon Al Pastor in the East Village and while they were pretty good, I found them slightly on the expensive side for a place on Avenue A. We can all calm down a bit.

I visited Sweet Moment in Chinatown for a latte and it was a pretty cute experience even if the service was a little salty. If we’re being real, people only come here because Instagram exists, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The cream art choco latte that I had was ridiculous good, which makes sense because I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just melted chocolate in a cup.

I visited the Glossier flagship store again because I was in the neighborhood and I (finally) tried out their Boy Brow. And let’s get this straight, I tried it on even though I already had other eyebrow products on (ColourPop’s Brow Boss Pencil as well as a little Milani Easybrow) which was maybe a dumb idea, but I didn’t want to wipe my eyebrows off and try the Glossier one incase it sucked and then had to walk around the rest of the day looking like a psychopath. SO, that being said, here’s what it looked like using all three products.

They look pretty full, right? I kind of think too full. I don’t know, maybe I’m a maniac. I should’ve done a before and after photo, not just an after. I just don’t see the big deal about their products. I feel like every item Glossier sells is something you need to use in combination with something else so it’ll actually look like something’s working. In conclusion, I have no idea if this is a good product or not and that’s really irritating, even to me.

Chrissy Teigen just announced that she’s gonna start her own website with new recipes! Amazing news!

I ate the pepperoni slice at Mama’s Too on the Upper West Side and all the good reviews about it ain’t lying. Crazy good slices. Might even be better than Prince Street Pizza.

I tried the mini Thickening Spray from Bumble & Bumble in my continued attempt at hair domination (and may I suggest that you always buy the mini size of any new hair product you’re trying? It makes so much more sense and is much cheaper) and it worked out well! I’ve only used it once but I think it’s a good product, next time I’ll definitely try it on my roots as well to see what it can really do. UPDATE: Definitely don’t spray it on your roots, it works much better if you use it sparsely on the rest of your hair when damp. 

I saw Waitress on Broadway and just wow. I haven’t been to a show in years and I forgot how much fun they are. This one was absolutely no exception. I went because a friend of mine that I met at the restaurant is in it, so I went to see her and not only was she phenomenal (Jessie Hooker-Bailey), the entire show was incredible. Joey McIntyre was great. Also? They had these mini pies for sale at intermission (genius) and the Salted Caramel Chocolate Pie is literally reason enough to go see this show. I need that recipe and I need it badly.

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A post shared by Liz Heather (@lizheather) on Feb 28, 2019 at 9:13pm PST

I finally ate at Sardi’s (which is something I’ve wanted to do for years) and sat at (in my opinion) the best corner booth under Dr. Ruth. And while I wish I had more to gush about, I… don’t. Ugh! I really think I just ordered bad. I only got the steak tartare and it was probably the most disappointing one I’ve ever had, which sucks considering it was also the most expensive. I knew I should’ve ordered the crab cake. That being said, I will definitely return mainly because the service was so impeccable that you’d have to return. Everyone was crazy nice and accommodating and pleasant, this one is just my fault I think. Also, I need to stop ordering streak tartare. I’ve already found the place that makes it the best (The Dutch) so why the hell am I still looking? I feel like a happily married man who can’t stop looking for something better to come along. STOP!

HELLO BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR, MARCH!

[mindyfication]

drowning in dreams

Wincest Writing Challenge, prompt: shifter!Dean Rating: M | Warnings: mild violence, suicidal thoughts | Length: 3k Partner: @wideawakeandwriting Read on AO3

***

Sam stumbles into Rufus’s cabin, more drunk than he should be. The fucking demon was right, he’s alone. It’s only been three days, but each feel like a whiskey-soaked eternity. Tomorrow he’ll search for real, maybe get a witch or a better psychic to help him. If Crowley didn’t lie, and wasn’t that the biggest if of the century, if he didn’t lie then Dean was in purgatory. And for once, Sam’s been procrastinating on research. He’s already urgently looked for ways to get in and out of purgatory when they had a leviathan problem, can’t free them all to maybe, probably not, get Dean back.

He should be hunting. Or going after the mystical normal life. Something.

The next day is rum, and at this rate the cabin is gonna be out of any alcohol inside of a week. He doesn’t slow down, bitterly thinks of famine saying he was the only one who could always consume more, the exception. Five drinks deep and his head starts to spin, six and he doesn’t think anymore, mindlessly watching whatever’s on tv. He likes the cartoons, always easy to follow and bitterly nostalgic, chase it down with more alcohol.

Rufus sure had a lot of rum for someone who never seemed to drink it, three days worth. Then there’s the vodka, it goes with a half-hearted attempt to clean up. There’s a bottle of port, old and fruity and rich, begging to be sipped slowly over a chess match or a good book. He drinks it outside, fresh air reminding him he should really shower and do his laundry. (He takes a bath instead, more literally stewing in his own filth, finishing off the bottle.)

Laundry goes with some overly sweet peach liquor and Sam is too close to sober, has emptied out every form of hunter’s helper to be had. He doesn’t want to go into town, something about seeing other people seems far worse than sobriety- today anyways.

The inevitable sobriety comes with an obsessive state like before without Dean. Without hunting a pseudo-trickster, he has the cabin cleaner than it has ever been. He scrubs his own skin off every morning, doesn’t leave the shower until he’s flushed pink. He works out after, the repetitive steady 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, of sit-ups and push-ups and chin-ups and jumping jacks. And then he showers again, a cold and quick rinse.

He finds nothing new on purgatory, and worse he’s running low on food. Tomorrow he’ll have to go to town, see what’s become of the world. His stomach twists unpleasantly, and a voice that sounds like his brother wonders when he became such a fucking pansy.

.

He’s halfway through his push-ups when he hears a car. His stomach knots up as he stands, grabbing the nearest gun. He looks out the window and nearly drops the pistol, sees Dean unloading a forgettable car.

“Hey lazybones, you gonna help?” Dean yells and Sam laughs breathless, rushes outside.

“Dean! How are you-”

“One minute,” Dean interrupts him, slicing his arm open and drinking holy water. Sam does the same, wincing at the salted water’s taste, handing the stuff back and enveloping his brother in a tight hug.

“How did you get out of purgatory? There was nothing in the lore-” Sam says, still holding him.

Dean grins, “C’mon hell couldn’t hold me, you though some second-rate monster land could? I’m starving, let’s get inside and we’ll talk.”

“Yeah,” Sam agrees, squeezing his brother once more before grabbing a bag. “You went grocery shopping?” Sam lets out a soft laugh, “Holy shit this is from a real grocery store.”

“Shut up if you want my cooking,” Dean says, hip checking the door open. “This last month I’ve existed without food, I could literally eat an entire horse.”

Guilt comes back quick and before he can ask, Dean whistles, putting the groceries on the counter. “Well aren’t you the little homemaker Sammy.”

“Jerk,” Sam says, can’t help a smile. Dean was back, it still feels like a dream.

“Bitch,” Dean tosses back carelessly, opening the fridge. “Or not, shit where’s the food kiddo?”

Sam puts away the groceries, not meeting Dean’s eyes. “I was gonna get some today.”

Dean snorts, “Lucky timing then.”

There’s more fresh food in the cabin than there probably ever has been, and he can’t deny being excited about not eating another canned or dried meal. Dean has two steaks cooking when he finally talks about it.

“Purgatory was designed to hold monsters, not people. There was an escape hatch- I couldn’t-” Dean swallows. “It took a while to get there, lot of fighting. Cas didn’t make it out.”

Sam swallows, “Maybe we could-”

“No,” Dean interrupts firmly. “The leviathans got to him, they all wanted him.”

Sam sighs, pushes back the tears. If Dean isn’t going all emo, he won’t. And it wasn’t like Sam hadn’t tried to-. Dean was alive, that’s all that mattered.

Dean slaps a steak on his plate and grabs two beers from the fridge. “First supper.”

Sam’s lips twitch, cutting into the meat. “Next time I’ll make some corn or mashed potatoes.” It hits him then that Dean might want to get back on the road, probably sees spending extra time in the cabin as a waste.

Dean rolls his eyes though, “You gonna make sure I eat my leafy greens?”

“Damn straight,” Sam says, happiness bubbling up. “Enough spinach and maybe you won’t get scurvy.”

“All the coolest pirates had scurvy,” Dean says, and they’re both too busy eating to talk more. Sam knows Dean’s a decent cook, and maybe it’s partly from how long it’s been since he ate fresh food, but the steak is beyond perfect.

He slowly eats the last bite, savoring it. “That was amazing.”

Dean grins, leaning back and rubbing his belly, “I know.”

Want surges through him, and Sam pushes it down, gets up and grabs their plates. The dishes won’t take long, but he needs a little distraction. It’s only been one day and the traitorous thoughts are coming back.

“Good wife,” Dean jokes as he scrubs the pan clean.

It rolls off him easy, he’s used to this type of teasing. “Says the one that just cooked for us,” Sam shoots back.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean says and he hears him gulp down the rest of his beer. The image comes to mind too easily, one he’s seen countless times of Dean’s plush lips wrapped around a bottle. Sam scrubs harder, the final bit of grit coming off, and he washes it clean. They didn’t make a mess in the kitchen, a few water rings from the beer, but Dean will know something’s up if he wipes those off. (He has Dean now, he shouldn’t even want to.)

“I’ve been thinking,” Dean says.

“About what?” Sam asks, refrains from saying what’s the case.

Dean wets his lips, “I wanna take a break.”

Sam can’t breathe, eyes wide and afraid he might wake up.

“A real one, not like two days or a concert. Like a year. We’ll still be in touch if anyone needs help, but hands off. No more dying and saving the world and self-sacrifice.” Dean rubs his face, “I’m so tired man, I can’t keep running on empty.”

This can’t be real, a djinn must have snuck up on him. There’s no way-

“Sammy? What do you think?”

“Yes,” Sam breathes, doesn’t care that this can’t be real. There’s no way Dean would ever stop, certainly wouldn’t choose it for himself. But if Dean is still in purgatory, if this is all one last dream before death- he sure as hell isn’t going to squander it.

He feels looser, easier in the freedom that it’s like a dream. Of course a djinn would give him his brother and take away the outside world, he wouldn’t have to share him with anyone, knows he’ll be safe.

“Awesome,” Dean says with a grin.

“I love you,” Sam says.

And Dean doesn’t brush it off, doesn’t tell him that emotional declarations are for near-death experiences only. Doesn’t say that this isn’t one of those movies, or that Sam must be having his time of the month.

“C’mere,” he beckons instead, and Sam goes to his arms. Dean’s still sitting in the high kitchen stool, puts them eye level. Dean’s grip tightens, brings their bodies flush together. “You’re mine Sammy, never letting you go again.”

Sam slumps into his shoulder, soaks up all the attention. His mind keeps flicking between what fake Dean- projected dream Dean really- is doing and what his brother would really do. It’s going to give him a headache, but then Dean is cupping his face, brings him back up.

“You’ll always be mine,” Dean murmurs, and brings their lips together.

Dean wouldn’t- he shouldn’t be twisting his memory like this, oh god- Dean can’t-

Dean’s tongue parts his lips, and Sam gives in. He already succumbed to this dream verse, it’s silly to deny himself now. Dean tastes like steak and beer, like he must, and it isn’t long until they’re on the small cabin bed.  

.

Sam falls into a new routine, a much more pleasurable one. He’s almost always up first, works out and takes a warm shower before crawling back into bed with Dean. Sometimes he wakes him, mouth sucking down his cock, and sometimes he just lays between his legs as time passes, Dean’s cock soft and warm and doesn’t move his lips to wake him. Sometimes he wakes Dean with softer kisses, peppered over each and every freckle on his cheeks. Sometimes Dean slips into his shower, soaps him up good before leaning him against the wall and fucking him until the water goes cold. And sometimes, Sam simply lays with him, staring at Dean’s forever young face. He could never tire of him, could consume him forever. (It resonates with something Sam doesn’t want to think about, doesn’t have to- this is his dream.)

Dean does all the cooking and grocery shopping, never asks why Sam doesn’t want to leave the cabin. His cooking is unnaturally perfect and Sam never questions that his ‘new’ recipes always turn out fantastic. He just does the dishes with a soft smile, they made a home.

They get a few calls from hunters, Dean has all of their phones forwarded to his, disposes of the old ones. There’s no point in having like fifty burner phones when one will do, Dean had said. And Sam didn’t bother listing the reasons why it mattered, just did the research for imaginary cases. Dean got bored then, would sometimes slip under the desk with a mischievous grin.

It’s all going well until it isn’t, and reality slams back into him rudely.

Dean’s cleaning the guns they never use anymore, when his hand slips and he touches a knife, skin sizzling.

Sam jumps up at the noise, reaching for the nearest silver knife, throws it at him.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Sam demands when it doesn’t kill him.

The shifter laughs, plucks the knife out of his chest and approaches slowly. “You’ve known I’m Dean 2.0 from the beginning Sammy. No need to play coy now.”

Sam’s eyes flit between the weapons bag and the knife in his hand. “You- you switched all the silver knives.”

He chuckles, “Give the man a cigar! Well, I did miss one. My bad kiddo.”

Sam gulps, backing up, “You’re real.”

The shifter grins wide, all teeth, “You’re more fucked in the head than I thought baby bro.”

“Don’t call me that,” Sam spits out, trying to circle to the weapons bag.

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” he says, flashing forward, a blow to the head knocking Sam unconscious.

.

Sam wakes up tied to their bed, spread eagle with the knots too tight to even try to undo one-handed. His wrists and ankles already ache a bit, and he’s sure it’s only going to get worse. A fucking shifter, a goddamn shifter had been living with him. He’d- fuck.

“Hey baby,” he says, and Sam opens his eyes, glares as not-Dean joins him on the bed, kneels between his thighs. “You could have just played along, no need for all this,” he says gesturing, “I know it can’t be easy after the cage.”

Sam spits in his face, “Shut up, you don’t know anything.”

He sighs, wipes away the spit and backhands him hard, making his ears ring. “We’ve been here for months Sam. I know everything about you and your brother, I am your brother. A better Dean and you wanted me. The version that loves you back, the me that’s just as twisted as you.

“I wore your brother’s face for too long, it became my own by mistake. But then I found you.” The shifter strokes his face softly, Sam’s stomach twisting with delight and disgust. “And I knew it, this was my true skin. You’ll always be mine Sammy, my little-”

A silver blade pierces the shifter’s chest, and he’s roughly shoved off him. There’s another Dean standing behind him, Sam wonders how they both missed this one coming in, how long it’s been there.

“I’m the only one that gets to call him that,” he says, wiping the knife on his jeans before cutting Sam loose. “You alright Sam?”

Sam rubs his wrists, eyeing the new Dean warily. “What are you?”

“Fair,” Dean says nodding to a copy of his corpse. “I just killed with silver so, you got some holy water and salt?”

“Yeah,” Sam says, getting some from the bedside cabinet.

Dean passes both tests, “It’s me Sam. What have you been doing? Were you hunting a shifter?”

Sam does the same, and Dean’s words convinced him even more than the tests. This wasn’t a dream or illusion, it’s really Dean. His stomach twists, bile burning that he swallows back down.

“Food,” Sam says, and they move into the kitchen. He starts cooking some pasta, simple enough that even he can’t fuck it up. He only goes in the fridge once for beer, winces at the lamb chops that were supposed to be tonight’s dinner. Dean- not-Dean- had been so excited about them.

“I haven’t been hunting,” Sam says, stirring the pasta.

“What? What the hell have you been doing then?”

Sam bites his lip, and Dean gets up, starts really looking around the cabin. “Have you been playing house with fake me? Really Sam?”

Sam swallows, “I-”

“You couldn’t tell it wasn’t me?” Dean yells, hand slapping down on the counter. “How many people have died in the past year Sam? How could you be so selfish-”

“I didn’t think it was real!” Sam exclaims. “I thought it was a djinn okay?”

“You thought-” Dean deflates, rubs a hand down his face, “And you just gave up? You were fine dying on me.”

Sam exhales, but Dean keeps going. “No, that’s just perfect. It’s not like I was hunting monsters in purgatory all year, fighting to stay alive and come back while you were just doing- whatever this is.”

“Well?” Dean demands. “You wanna explain that to me?”

Sam blinks away the wetness, “I couldn’t find a way to get you out of purgatory. There was nothing, it was hopeless. I was hopeless. And then not-you appeared, and everything was too easy. We were happy and researching for other hunters and it didn’t feel real.”

Sam remembers the pasta then, drains the overcooked and soft noodles. They’re pathetic, he’s pathetic. He’s empathizing with a fucking bowl of pasta.

“What changed?” Dean asks. “I didn’t exactly walk in on domestic cabin bliss.”

“Yeah,” Sam says, plating the food. “The shifter had swapped out all the silver knives, but he missed one. That’s when I realized it wasn’t a dream.”

Dean eats half a noddle before standing, “Obviously you weren’t the one cooking.”

“Uh no,” Sam mumbles.

“Whatever, grab your stuff. This place is giving me the creeps. We’ll stop by a diner on the road.”

And Sam hates leaving the cabin messy- worse that it’ll be left this way for who knows how long, mold growing on the floppy noodles. But Dean is here, for real, and Sam isn’t going to fuck that up. He packs quickly as if Dean won’t remember Rufus’s cabin only has one bed and a couch that’s clearly without bedding. Dean doesn’t say anything about it though.

“So did you talk to any of the hunters or…?” Dean asks.

“No, De- the shifter did.”

“Have you checked the phones lately?”

Sam swallows, fishing a cell out of the shifter’s pocket. “No, they were all supposed to be forwarded to this one.”

Dean rolls his eyes, “Yeah I’m sure that happened. Alright let’s barbecue up fake me and then get some real barbecue. There’s a case only sixty miles from here, probably vamps. You can research the area while I play phone tag.”

Sam follows him, out into the backyard to burn the body and then to the impala’s passenger seat. He hates that there’s any longing in his chest as they leave. He has the real Dean- no part of him should want to go back to not-dreamland. The shapeshifter’s words echo in his head, you wanted me, and Sam’s sick, shouldn’t be allowed near real Dean.

“Hey,” Dean says as they pull into a local diner. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Sam lies. “What about you?”

Dean grins, “We’re back, I’m awesome.”

Sam smiles, can fake it until things feel almost normal again. It doesn’t matter that he knows what Dean tastes like everywhere or what he sounds like when- it’s not true anyways. He only has imitation knowledge, really knowledge of the shifter. And maybe if he thinks that enough times, engraves it into the insides of his skull, he’ll even believe it.

(At least in the cage Lucifer only used Dean to torture, that was easier to get over.)

“Hey, you coming?” Dean asks, outside the car.

“Yeah, shit,” Sam says, undoing his seat belt and getting out. “Sorry.”

Dean shrugs, “S’okay. This place is supposed to have the best pie in state.”

Sam grabs his laptop from the backseat with a soft laugh. “How convenient.”

“You bet. I’m thinking five course meal, all pie,” Dean says with pure glee.

Sam snorts, “Course six is gonna be upchucking.”

Dean opens the door, bell tinkling, “Ye of little faith Sammy. Just you wait.”

And Sam follows him in, the walk back into civilization easier than he thought it would be.

[juhametsola]

Do all of the asks? 👀

this is some god tier procrastination austin i owe u my life

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? spotify2. is your room messy or clean? mmmmm depression messy3. what color are your eyes? are they green? grey? no one knows4. do you like your name? why? hmm my first name is ok-ish (when pronounced with a long e instead of an i like an english speaking person would) but my last name… is a struggle5. -6. describe your personality in 3 words or less: petty angry & sad7. what color hair do you have? blue!!8. what kind of car do you drive? color? catch me biking for the rest of my life9. where do you shop? h&m mostly but i love forever21 The Most bc i’m that basic bitch and also lush?? is my entire life10. -11. favorite social media account: my insta 12. what size bed do you have? regular one person bed? idk13. any siblings? l m a o i have 414. -15. -16. favorite makeup brand(s): pretty much any drugstore brand17. how many times a week do you shower? hhhhh 18. favorite tv show? catfish (or alternatively game of thrones)19. shoe size? 3820. -21. sandals or sneakers? sneakers22. do you go to the gym? shfuhdsufhd no23. -24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? one broken dollar bill and… like 3€ in change 25. -26. how many pillows do you sleep with? three don’t @ me27. do you have a job? what do you do? i work at a supermarket as a cashier & try not to scream daily28. how many friends do you have? like. two and a half 29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? this blog30. -31. three favourite boy names: pekka (i swear to god i’m not biased but) juuse & ezra32. three favourite girl names: sansa………. ellie & riikka33. favourite actor? hsfds joseph gordon-levitt34. favorite actress? hhhh idk jessica lange was pretty neat in ahs35. -36. favourite movie? PAN’S LABYRINTH someone please talk to me about how good it is37. do you read a lot? whats your favourite book? i wish i could like. enjoy the things i used to hhhhh i don’t really have the energy for reading these days; the harry potter series, the book thief & the kite runner are at the top of my list tho 38. money or brains? dsfuhdugfdgdf what the fuck!! give me the money i’m a fucking dumbass anyway39. do you have a nickname? what is it? i don’t40. -41. top 10 favorite songs: u gotta know i only listen to lame finnish pop but- hei mä soitan sulle ihan kohta - pariisin kevät- savages - marina & the diamonds- eraser - ed sheeran- tytöt ei soita kitaraa - vesala- ikävä ihollesi - happoradio- surrender - billy talent- rakkausrunoja - olavi uusivirta- vapaus käteen jää - haloo helsinki- la belle epoque - kent- ¡viva la gloria! - green day42. do you take any medications daily? i have antidepressants for sleeping but idk43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) hhhhhhufhdgdhf edmonton oilers?44. what is your biggest fear? rage comics making a comeback45. -46. whats your go to hair style? a short ponytail47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) a tiny cramped apartment48. who is your role model? pk!! subban!!49. what was the last compliment you received? idk idk!!! but the ones i remember best are when people tell me my writing is good hhhh50. -51. -52. -53. -54. -55. -56. -57. -58. -59. -60. -61. have you ever peed in the woods? PLEASe ive done so much dumb shit while drunk so. yes62. do you still watch cartoons? catch me watching 20 episodes of pokemon any given day63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? neither really i’m trying to cut out meat its gross64. -65. -66. have you ever won a spelling bee? no67. what are your hobbies? being petty & hateful, sports, 68. can you draw? depends on your definition of the ability to draw but like idk. i used to love drawing but life happened and idk. i could like. post some of my earlier stuff but i literally haven’t picked up a pen in years69. do you play an instrument? nno70. -71. tea or coffee? tea!!72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? *slams fists on a table* DUNKIN73. do you want to get married? idk kinda i guess74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? stop75. -76. -77. do you miss anyone right now? :(78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? what kinda monster keeps doors open………79. do you believe in ghosts? not really80. -81. -82. favourite ice cream flavor? chocolate/banana83. regular oreos or golden oreos? neither84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow85. -86. what is your phone background? …….. a juuse/pekka hug87. are you outgoing or shy? shy hsfudshf88. do you like it when people play with your hair? yES89. do you like your neighbors? i have probably said one (1) word to them in my life so idk 90. -91. have you ever been high? no92. have you ever been drunk? HHHHHh yes93. last thing you ate? a potato chip94. favourite lyrics right now? this is gonna be in finnish but “hei mä soitan sulle ihan kohta / mul akku tyhjä / vähän huono kenttä / hei mä soitan sulle ihan kohta / mul akku tyhjä / vähän huono kenttä / ei mitään erikoista / tätä tää on kyl sä tiedät” from this song by pariisin kevät95. -96. day or night? night97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk98. favourite month? september99. what is your zodiac sign? virgo100. -

[theairhornanon]

1-100 ;)

This is long

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

Soundcloud primarily, but I prefer my Youtube playlists.

Is your room messy or clean?

Messy, I get anxious when I try to clean and people don’t wanna poke at me when my room is a mess.

What color are your eyes?

Green!

do you like your name? why?

It’s alright, I mean I wouldn’t care for much other name?

what is your relationship status?

I have a lovely QPP I love them dearly.

describe your personality in 3 words or less

Shitty, stubborn, heck

what color hair do you have?

Brown is my natural color and the one I currently have, I want silver this summer.

what kind of car do you drive? color?

SUV, tan.

where do you shop?

Anywhere that I can find something for cheap and looks nice.

how would you describe your style?

Heck. Hipster? Unsure tbh.

favorite social media account

I like my Tumblr because not a lot of irl people ik follow it so it tends to be more freeing.

what size bed do you have?

Twin.

any siblings?

Nope.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

Hell, I wanna die.

favorite snapchat filter?

I don’t like Snapchat really.

favorite makeup brand(s)

I tend to not wear makeup but I go for whatever is cheap.

how many times a week do you shower?

Every. Fucking. Day. Eases my anxiety and I really like water.

favorite tv show?

Voltron and Shark Tank?

shoe size?

7.5 US

how tall are you?

5′3

sandals or sneakers?

Sneakers.

do you go to the gym?

No, but work has me always on my feet, so that can count?

describe your dream date

Anywhere with Anna and us just chilling and talking.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

In my bank account 50+

what color socks are you wearing?

I was wearing fox socks earlier today.

how many pillows do you sleep with?

3, add in a Stitch tsumtsum.

do you have a job? what do you do?

Yes, I work with kids and teach them how to draw and paint!

how many friends do you have?

Some online friends, maybe 11 or so at normal school, and 8 at art school?

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

Tell my mom I’m pan and nonbinary.

whats your favorite candle scent?

This candle Anna bought me?? Like it’s so nice and I smell it a lot cause I can’t burn it yeeeeet.

3 favorite boy names

Charles, Fito, Shit.

3 favorite girl names

Anna, Hell, Donna?

favorite actor?

Mishamishamisha

favorite actress?

Unsure.

who is your celebrity crush?

None tbh.

favorite movie?

Madoka Magica Rebellion, eat my dirt.

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

Currently unable to read a lot, but 13 Reasons Why is one of my faves? Coraline can take the top though.

money or brains?

Brains?

do you have a nickname? what is it?

Bella and Airhorn tend to go by fine with me.

how many times have you been to the hospital?

Lots.

top 10 favorite songs

Bathtub Mermaid (sung by Umber)

Broadcast Illusion (By GHOST)

Bad Girl Online (Sung by Oktavia)

Witch World #1

Pinky Promise (sung by Miku)

Son of Dust (Black Casino and the Ghost)

Go Go Ghost Ship

The Real Disappearance of Hatsune Miku

This Messed Up Wonderful World Exists for Me (sung by Miku)

Spinal Fluid Explosion Girl (sung by Miku and Gumi)

do you take any medications daily?

Birth control and Lexapro

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

Oily

what is your biggest fear?

To be left alone or forgotten.

how many kids do you want?

I don’t mind kids but if i ended up with a child I wouldn’t mind?

whats your go to hair style?

Ponytail.

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

Duplex.

who is your role model?

No one really? I don’t like keeping role models.

what was the last compliment you received?

Probably from Anna tbh

what was the last text you sent?

“LET YEEHAW MAN STARE INTO YOUR SOUL”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

Young.

what is your dream car?

The car I currently I have.

opinion on smoking?

I’m this close to staring the train of smoking to oblivion. I think it’s bad and you shouldn’t do it but I’m what the kids call Self Destructive. 

do you go to college?

I take college level courses, but no.

what is your dream job?

Being a comic writer/artist.

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

Anywhere is cool really.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

Yes.

do you have freckles?

No.

do you smile for pictures?

Sometimes.

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

Too Many.

have you ever peed in the woods?

No.

do you still watch cartoons?

Hell ye

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Mickey D’s.

Favorite dipping sauce?

Gross.

what do you wear to bed?

Boxers and a t-shirt or tanktop.

have you ever won a spelling bee?

We don’t have these where I’m from.

what are your hobbies?

Drawing and sleeping.

can you draw?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOT ONE BIT.

do you play an instrument?

A kalimba, piano, drums, and guitar. All subpar.

what was the last concert you saw?

Never been to one.

tea or coffee?

Both, mmmmmmm.

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Starbucks.

do you want to get married?

If it happens, it happens, I see myself dying Alone.

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

=}

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

I would sure

what color looks best on you?

Yellow or green.

do you miss anyone right now?

Yes, plenty.

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed.

do you believe in ghosts?

Yes, I’ve not only smelt a ghost, I’ve heard and felt a ghost on my dang leg. It’s not fun.

what is your biggest pet peeve?

Peanut Butter Mildew Man Baby.

last person you called`

Anna via Skype

favorite ice cream flavor?

Lately Earl Grey and Coffee.

regular oreos or golden oreos?

Regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

Both???

what shirt are you wearing?

A tanktop.

what is your phone background?

Static colorbars.

are you outgoing or shy?

Both, depends on the crowd.

do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yes.

do you like your neighbors?

Sometimes, not when they bring wild dogs to my backyard and the said dogs hurt my dog and another perfectly fine dog. 

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

In the shower.

have you ever been high?

I wish, but no, unless being severely dehydrated counts?

have you ever been drunk?

No, but drunk without sleep hell ye.

last thing you ate?

Tenderloin and mashed potatoes.

favorite lyrics right now

“And then, I gave you my eyes- to see all the colors- And then, I gave you my ears- to hear the sirens- And then, I gave you my heart- to fill, in the emptiness in your chest- And then, I gave you my brain- so that you can learn to love.” (From Bathtub Mermaid)

summer or winter?

Summer.

day or night?

Night.

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

Dark.

favorite month?

October.

what is your zodiac sign

Virgo.

who was the last person you cried in front of?

My dad? Maybe it counts more my photo teacher and another close friend today.

[purplesurveys]

177

FOOD SURVEY

1. What’s the last thing you ate? I had a Whopper Jr. from Burger King. It wasn’t big enough to satisfy my hunger though so I’m still hungry. D: 2. What’s your favourite cheese? Ricotta, even though I’ve only had it once. That one time converted me forever. 3. What’s your favourite fish? Tilapia, eel, and tuna.

4. What’s your favourite fruit? I don’t do fruits. 5. When, if ever, did you start liking olives? Nooooo I never liked olives.

6. When, if ever, did you start liking beer? I hate fizzy drinks in general so I never got the hang of beer. Plus beer burps are the worst. 7. When, if ever, did you start liking shellfish? I guess when my palate started expanding by the time I was around 13. I was a picky eater before then and used to eat the same things over and over. Then I got older and suddenly I eat everything hahaha. 8. What was the best thing your mum/dad/guardian used to make? My mom doesn’t really have a signature dish, but my dad makes the best chicken wings, curry, and risotto. Perks of having a chef has a dad :) 9. What’s the native specialty of your hometown? If I did that I would end up with an entire fucking book. Philippines in general has a wide variety of native dishes like sinigang, dinuguan, sisig, lechon, etc., and then you have your regions which may have their own specialties going on, and on an even smaller scale, there are provinces in those regions that have native dishes. One never runs out of options in this country. 10. What’s your comfort food? The duo of instant noodles with hard boiled eggs never fails me. 11. What’s your favourite type of chocolate? Milk or white. 12. How do you like your steak? Rare or medium-rare. 13. How do you like your burger? Medium.

14. How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, or over easy.

15. How do you like your potatoes? Baked even though I seldom get the chance to have them as such.  16. How do you take your coffee? I’m terrible with ratios so I never make mine from scratch. My usual is a caramel macchiato, 10 out of 10 times from Starbucks. 17. How do you take your tea? Meh I don’t normally have it but if it’s the only thing being served, I want it iced and lemonade flavored. 18. What’s your favourite mug? I don’t have my own since I’d barely have use for one, but I already love the black ones we have in the kitchen. They look super classy and want the same for my own apartment in the future. 19. What’s your biscuit or cookie of choice? Chocolate chip, and one that isn’t baked all the way through. It probably sounds weird but the more gooey the better D: 20. What’s your ideal breakfast? Scrambled eggs and bacon is fine. On my ~fancier days~ a bagel with salmon sounds good, too. 21. What’s your ideal sandwich? I never have sandwiches so I dunno what my ideal combination would be like. All I know is I want it to be showered in mayo. 22. What’s your ideal pizza: I want ten cheese pizza to be a thing. Mozzarella stuffed crust is never a bad idea as well. 23. What’s your ideal pie (sweet or savoury)? Erm...pizza pie? Apart from that I never really have any other kind of pie. 24. What’s your ideal salad? Spicy tuna salad aaaaahhhhhhhh I’ve been craving forever. 25. What food do you always like to have in the fridge? Ice cream. Leftovers from restaurants. HAHAHAHA 26. What food do you always like to have in the freezer? Oh, oops. Didn’t realize fridge and freezer were regarded differently. I always want ice cream in the ref though, that’s for sure. 27. What food do you always like to have in the cupboard? Korean instant noodles ideally, but they can be so expensive :-( 28. What spices can you not live without? Agh don’t get too technical, I can’t cook hahaha I know I love cumin though! 29. What sauces can you not live without? Honey mustard is a must. Idk if mayonnaise counts but I can live on that for the rest of my life. 30. Where do you buy most of your food? Whatever grocery my mom happens to be in. 31. How often do you go food shopping? Every two weeks I think. I’m not too sure though; my mom is in charge of that and sometimes I don’t even notice if she’s done her grocery shopping. 33. What’s the most expensive piece of kitchen equipment you own? Dunno. You’d have to go to my parents to find out. Probably the refrigerator though? 34. What’s the last piece of equipment you bought for your kitchen? I think we got a new pan or something. 35. What piece of kitchen equipment could you not live without? All of them, I don’t cook kdjsfkjshff. 36. How many times a week/month do you cook from raw ingredients? 37. What’s the last thing you cooked from raw ingredients? 38. What meats have you eaten besides cow, pig and poultry? Buffalo and lamb. 39. What’s the last time you ate something that had fallen on the floor? Two weeks ago. I dropped the box of my McDonald’s burger on the ground but since that was going to be my only food for the day and was desperate, I had to pick it back up :( 40. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? I’ve never done that.

41. Arrange the following in order of preference: Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Indian, Thai, Sushi – Sushi, Indian, and Thai are all ranked for first place. After that is Chinese, then Mexican.  42. Arrange the following in order of preference: Vodka, Whiskey, Brandy, Rum – Whiskey, vodka. Never had the other two I think. 43. Arrange the following in order of preference: Garlic, Basil, Caramel, Lime, Mint, Ginger, Aniseed – :(((( I don’t cook oh no!!! I love garlic though!!! 44. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana. – I don’t do fruits. 45. Bread and spread: White bread. Not really a spread but again, mayonnaise. 46. What’s your fast food restaurant of choice, and what do you usually order? It’s a local chain called Jollibee, but they have franchises around the world. I get my favorite combo of spaghetti and fried chicken allllll the time. 47. Pick a city. What are the best dining experiences you’ve had in that city? JAPAN. I only spent a few hours in the country so I had to make it count. We eventually ended up in this sushi place and I was blessed with the best sushi and sashimi platter I’ve ever had in my entire life. We were in Japan itself so it felt so authentic and so so raw. It was so good. I finished it in minutes.   48. What’s your choice of tipple at the end of a long day? Had to look this up and it’s apparently an alcoholic drink? Welp I’m biased to Baileys hahaha but red wine isn’t such a bad idea now, especially after my girlfriend and her mom converted me into liking it. 49. What’s the next thing you’ll eat? That burger didn’t satisfy my stomach AT ALL so I feel like after this survey I’d fix myself up a bowl of cheesy ramen noodles. 50. Are you hungry now? Yes, all thanks to this survey. 51. Do you eat your breakfast everyday? No I never do these days. My first classes are at 8:30 all week and allotting two hours for traffic basically means I never have time to whip up breakfast for myself. 52. At what time do you have breakfast? :( 53. At what time do you have lunch? 'Lunch’ starts at 10 for me since I’m usually hungry after skipping breakfast. 54. What do you have for lunch? Sometimes it’s what we had for dinner, other times I’d get street food from one of the food stalls in school and hope that’ll be enough for the entire afternoon. 55. At what time do you have dinner? 7 or 8. 56. What do you have for dinner? Depends on what my mom had prepared beforehand. I usually don’t like it though so sometimes I skip dinner altogether. If I’m with Gab my dinner is usually heavy though since that’s when I think it approprate to treat myself. 57. Do you light candles during dinner? Nope. 58. How many chairs are there in your dining room and who sits in the main chair? Six. There’s no ~main chair~ unless you mean the head of the dining table in general, which my dad occupies when he’s at home. When he isn’t, no one really sits on that chair. 59. Do you eat and drink using your right hand or the left one? Spoon with my right, fork with my left. My drink is on my right side.  61. Mention the veggies that you like most: Broccoli, asparagus, cauliflower. 62. What fruit and vegetable do you like the least? All fruits except tomato. 63. You like your fruit salad to have more: Plate than fruit. 64. You prefer your vegetable salad to contain more: Dressing. 65. What’s your favourite sandwich spread? Mayonaaaaaaise. 66. What’s your favourite chocolate bar? Twix. 67. What’s your favourite dessert? Cheesecake, macarons, brownies, and cupcakes. 68. What’s your favourite drink? Milkshakes. 69. What’s your favourite snack? Street food. 70. What’s your favourite bubble gum flavour? Just the classic bubble gum flavor. 71. What’s your favourite ice cream flavour? Cookies and cream!!! Bigger cookie chunks the better. 72. What’s your favourite potato chip flavour? Cheese or barbecue. 73. What’s your favourite soup? Creamy mushroom. 74. What’s your favourite pizza? Three or four cheese, depending on the establishment. Bonus points for a mozzarella stuffed crust option. 75. What’s your favourite type of dish? Lots of spices. 76. What food do you hate? Fruits. 77. What’s your favourite restaurant? Another local place called Torch. Super pricey though. I only go there with family, because I don’t get to spend ha. 78. Do you eat homemade food, or food delivered from outside? Both, but definitely homemade more often. We keep deliveries limited to just weekends. 80. Who cooks at home? My mom, but when my dad is home he makes everything. 81. What kind of diet (e.g. low-fat, high-fiber, high-carbohydrate, balanced diet etc.) do you have? Junk food... 82. How do you keep yourself fit? I don’t really make an active effort, whoops.

[domsinotherplaces]

don’t worry. we’re insured.

on a whim at dinner last month, my friends and i decided to plan a trip to portland.

now, i am a fraud. i’m one of those people who brags about being spontaneous and fun but in reality i am embarrassingly cheap. so when i pitched the idea of going to portland and my friends went “how about october?” i almost pissed myself from fear. not bothering to check my bank account beforehand, i hastily--and don’t get me wrong, completely willingly--agreed to go. after a couple of hours we booked a plane and an airbnb, then suffered through three more work weeks (and countless instagram posts of tons of our other friends going to portland) before finally going.

i think part of my eagerness to go so soon stemmed from my bizarre but well-shared love for autumn. autumn in any northern part of the united states looks like something straight out of a harry & david catalog and i just needed to live it myself. plus, i knew i would feed off of the pacific northwest’s energy, especially with the current wildfires in california ruining my lungs and my overall wellness. i’m like the sickly city kid who has to move to her aunt and uncle’s house in the countryside because the air is better.

and boy, did i feel like i was thriving in oregon.

(taken on our first day, after brunch)

we booked an 8 am flight, so i figured if we left santa clara at 0500, we’d have enough time to pick up the others in fremont-newark, drive to millbrae, and hitch a ride to SFO by 0630. what i didn’t account for was the time it’d take to warm up my car or wait at my friends’ houses while they packed their luggage in. naturally we ended up at the airport a little later than expected, TSA lines be damned. in the end it worked out and we had plenty of time to... well, i guess we only had time to pee before boarding.

(i should also mention i knocked the fuck out on the 1 hour, 22 minute flight there. i had worn a hospital mask to hide from airport germs and ended up collecting my drool in it while it sat under my chin on the plane, like some disgusting saliva fountain. a pool of drool, if you will.)

when we got to portland it was rainy and cold. it felt exactly like the dead of winter in san jose. needless to say, the first thing we did when we got in the rental car was crank up the heater. (we also tried to connect our phones to the car via bluetooth so we could listen to spotify. we failed.)

(the crummiest of screengrabs from my first snapchat video in portland because i suck at taking pictures and literally documented nothing of this meal except for one of those lame snapchat videos where it pans over all of the food and then all of the people eating the food. I TRIED, OKAY.)

the first stop we made was at the popular brunch spot screen door. this place has literally over 4000 reviews on yelp. we waited about 20 minutes for a table on a thursday morning, which made me realize how awful it must be to come here on a weekend. but the food was amazing and i ate the best mac and cheese i’ve ever had in my entire life (not pictured because i suck), but because we were way, way, way too overly eager to eat--is travel munchies a thing?--we ordered two starters and ended up being too full to finish any of our actual meals.

(the willamette river outside of OMSI, where i began having serious feels about converting to portlandism)

after eating ourselves comatose and discovering a 100% illegally acquired bottle of restaurant hot sauce in my friend’s pocket, we went to OMSI, took scenic pictures of the willamette river, then went to stumptown and voodoo doughnuts. i was blissfully reunited with the voodoo hibiscus donut i tried in eugene on a roadtrip with my family through the PNW last year (also not pictured because i am awful) and it was just as amazingly tart and delicious as the first time i tried it. why it didn’t occur to me to stock up on the damn things is beyond me.

next we headed to powell’s books, partly in an attempt to avoid the sporadic cloudbursts that we were begrudgingly acquainting ourselves with after our first 5 hours in portland. i left with three books and a tote bag souvenir for my cousin who graciously drove us to the airport at 0600 that morning. after experiencing some of portland’s evening commute (verdict: nothing is worse than a bay area evening commute), we headed to dinner at potato champion.

unbeknownst to me, the food cart french fries of my dreams were located in this tiny mecca called cartopia. complete with outdoor fireplaces, a plethora of string lights, and a tent to protect us from the cold, cartopia was like san pedro square’s hip cousin from the city who produces their own lo-fi records. i almost felt too uncool to be there, like people could smell the tourist on me. but the warmth of pulled pork fries (and pizza! and all of the craft soda flavors! all not pictured because i am complete trash) made me forget all about that. i even almost forgot that i was cold to the point that i was sporadically convulsing with shivers.

after dinner we scrambled for the warmth and dryness of the rental car and set off for the airbnb, which was located in a suburb about 10 miles south of the main city. we actually clocked out of our first day fairly early--maybe around 1930 or 2000? but it was by no means late into the evening at all. as ready as i was to knock the fuck out under a pendleton blanket with the space heater on blast, we all ended up staying up until 1 am talking about who knows what, huddled together on the pullout bed. y’know, because despite having been up since 4 am, that’s what you do on vacation.

day 1 | day 2 | day 3