#is this not just my trauma resurfacing in all the impolite places ?!?!
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Feeling a lot of fomo rn
I guess just feeling a lot
#partially capitalism#partially mental illness#partially sober#idewk how much a single session with a therapist would cost#i just know i gotta talk to someone else that isnt the page#and that scares me so much#i feel my heart sinking#like my gut is a black hole and is pulling all of my organs down into the abyss#the same black hole that wants me to chug a whole bottle of mcCallan rn along with about a ball of blow#its just a feeling#but it never goes away#always lurking over my shoulder#telling me to gas it while driving#just that overwhelming feeling of#fuck it#when pool players are down and out they sometimes can engage in whats known to other pool pros as a#fuck it stroke#i feel like i rack em up real grand when im in the mode#not in 9 ball#or anything like that#but its like my tongue starts shining silver from the bullshit i spew#i find it to be my most dangerous trait#my most hated Devil#is this not just my trauma resurfacing in all the impolite places ?!?!#the very idea to have to pay a human being more than i can for me to act like a loon for an hour just feels so wrong#they wouldnt appreciate the brush stroke techniques that ive had to learn#theyd just ask#why did you put your blood on this canvas?#or perhaps again#wound me further and give me new shades of blood to work with
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