#is this anything! mum said it's my turn to project onto mike wheeler

[lumism]

abject permanence: larissa pham, a primer for the small weird loves: richard siken, the hours: michael cunningham

[80smikewheeler]

Chapter 2: The Façade That Masks Deceit

Mike got off the school bus and was greeted, as usual, by Lucas, Dustin and Will. He felt so numb and was in no mood for school at all anymore these days. The three boys walked up to Mike, Will looked a little shocked at Mike’s appearance, “M-Mike?! Are you okay? You don’t look so good!” Will asked concerned. “Yeah Mike! You look like shit!” added Dustin. Lucas kicked Dustin’s foot after he had said that, and gave him a disapproving look. “I think what Dustin was trying to say, is that you look like you could use some rest, have you been sleeping okay?” Lucas said.

Mike glared up at his three friends, and saw their worried expressions, especially Will’s who looked like he was scared for Mike or something. Mike loved his friends, and he knew that they cared about him, but he wasn’t in the mood to have a big heart to heart with them about how he felt, so he forced a smile and replied, “Yeah I’m fine. Just caught a cold, that’s all.” Dustin and Lucas smiled, “Oh good we thought something serious was going on there Mike!” They seemed to have bought it, but not Will. Mike turned his eyes towards his small friend, who was frowning and looking suspicious of him, he didn’t say anything, just looked and stared at him for a minute or two, before saying, “Come on guys! We’ve got science with Mr Clarke first period, lets go! It’s gonna be a fun lesson! We’re doing about planets and space today! Come on, quick! We don’t wanna be late!” One of those words that Will had spoke had stood out for Mike, ‘science’. It reminded him of what he had lost in that science classroom, what had been taken away from him and the cause of his pain and misery, and also the violent, haunting nightmares he had been having. “I’ll catch up with you guys in a minute!” assured Mike. Lucas, Dustin and Will nodded and walked away to class. Mike suddenly felt sick, he felt the need to vomit, he couldn’t bare the thought of going back into that science classroom, he couldn’t face it. He ran down the hallway to the boys toilets, and checked the stalls for anybody in there, luckily there didn’t seem to be anyone about. He burst into the middle stall and slammed the door shut quickly as he lent over the toilet and proceeded to be sick in it. The taste in his mouth was vile, it was biley, and watery, and it made him gag even more. After he had finished, he flushed the toilet and went to wash his hands, when the door suddenly opened and to Mike’s horror, Troy and James walked into the room. Mike quickly tried to dry his hands and get out of there as soon as he could, but Troy had already sighted him. “Hey look it’s frogface! What you doing in here Wheeler in class time? Meeting up with your boyfriend, Will, a couple of gays in the bathroom, hanging out together, being perverts!” Mike tried to ignore his comments and walked towards the door. “Oh no frogface, you’re not going anywhere! Me and James are bored you see, couldn’t stand Miss Roger’s English class anymore, so we threw her stupid books off the desk and left! We need something to entertain us, and literature isn’t that fun and entertaining, but hanging out with our pal froggy is! GRAB HIM!” Shouted Troy. James grabbed Mikes arms and carried him over to one of the stalls, the middle one…Mike tried to wrestle free out of James’ grasp, but Troy held his head back towards him. He reached down into his pocket and produced a knife…he flipped the lid and held it at a little distance away from Mike’s neck. “Drink that toilet water Wheeler, sup it all up for me and James, if you don’t we’ll have to dunk your head in for you.” Mike tried again and again to squirm free, but Troy was too strong for his pushes and wriggles. “Hm? What’s wrong frogface?! You usually have something to say to me, especially after that stunt you pulled in the gymnasium last term, oh yeah, I haven’t forgot that, you’ll get payback for that Mikey boy!” Troy sneered. “So what? No comment to make? Not even gonna plead for me to leave you alone? Wow, you’ve really become even more of a loser Wheeler.” Just as Mike was about to say something back to Troy, the door opened again and Mr Clarke was standing in its frame. “WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON HERE! TROY, JAMES! GET OUT OF HER NOW! LEAVE!” Troy and James scarpered, and Mike was left breathing heavily in the stall. “Michael! Are you okay?” Asked Mr Clarke. Mike was silent and nodded. “Are you sure? Your friends were worried about you, they said you’d been gone a while, it’s a good job I came to look for you! Are you sure you’re alright? You look a little peaky, and that’s putting it mildly. Do you need me to ring your mother?” “NO!” Mike sharply remarked. “You don’t need to do that! I just must have eaten something funny, I’m okay now though. I’ll come to class now.” Mike couldn’t deal with anymore of his mothers smothering concerns, it just made him feel worse. He would rather face going into that classroom, that awful room, rather than have his mother worrying over him more than she already did, so he agreed to come to class. He followed Mr Clarke out of the bathroom and slowly headed with him towards the science classroom. He felt his heart beating faster, it brought back flashes of his dreams he’d been having lately, and he felt his stomach churning, he thought he was going to have to run back to the toilet again to be sick, but he fought the feeling and forced himself to walk into the classroom with Mr Clarke.

When he entered, Dustin, Will and Lucas all looked up at him in unison. Dustin smiled and signalled with a wave of his hand to come over and sit with them. Will moved over so that Mike could sit next to him and Mike took off his backpack, and sat on the stool next to Will. “Hey were you okay Mike?” Asked Dustin. “You were gone for quite some time! We got worried about you.” “Yeah, um, I just had to get a tissue for my nose, for my cold…” Mike tried to assure them. “For all that time?” Asked Will. “Yeah you were gone for such a long time! Are you sure nothing else happened?” added Lucas. “YES!” Mike shouted. “Would you please stop fussing over me! You’re turning into my mum!” “Okay, okay! We just wanted to be sure, that’s all!” said Dustin. “Yeah, if you need to speak to us about anything you know you can right? We’re here for you Mike!” assured Lucas. “Thanks guys, but I’m fine, really, you don’t have to worry about me.” Will smiled at Mike and patted his shoulder, trying to comfort him. The other three turned their heads and listened in to what Mr Clarke was saying about gases in space. Mike listened for a moment, but soon his words were muffled and merging, as Mike stared at the walls of the classroom. He stared at the new blackboard that the school had fitted, in place of the old one where Lucas had hit the demogorgan with his wrist rocket and sent it flying back, crashing into the board, leaving cracks and crumbling pieces of wall and board. He tried not to think of El walking up to it, and doing what she did. Sacrificing herself for Mike once again. Protecting him as she had always done. He closed his eyes, he couldn’t bare to look at the room, it was starting to make him feel sick again. He buried his head into the desk and tried to drown out the reality around him. He tried to force his brain to forget about what had happened in this room, he turned his mind to the happier times he had with El. The good memories. He thought about the way she looked when she had opened that bedroom door and was wearing his sisters pale pink dress, and that old wig that Dustin had found in the basement. Mike couldn’t believe his eyes when she had emerged, he looked upon her, the light flooding her figure from behind her. He remembered how he felt a strange and unfamiliar feeling in his stomach, like butterflies, and his heart seemed to be skipping a beat or two. She looked so angelic, so pure and fairly like. He thought now how that was a bit of a foretelling for what happened afterwards, because El did become his guardian angel, protecting his from danger. He remembered how he hadn’t even thought about what he was saying before it left his mouth, when he said, “Pretty!” And then quickly regained sense of where he was and who he was with, so quickly added, “Good…You look pretty good!” to stop Lucas and especially Dustin making comments or silly sounds like, “Ooooooohhhh! Mike likes El!” in a childish voice. How Mike wished he could go back to that memory, relive it again. But instead he was in the classroom where he lost her, the place where his recent nightmares had been taking place. He felt a shake on his shoulder, “Mike! Do you wanna be partners for this group project? Dustin and Lucas are already doing it with each other, so why don’t we work together?” Asked Will in a cheerful tone. “What?” Mike asked confused. “Oh uh hm yeah sure, cool!” “Great! Do you wanna come over tomorrow night for tea with my mum and Jonathan, and we can work on the project together?” “Yeah okay, sure.” replied Mike in a disinterested tone. “Okay great! I’ve got History class now, but meet me, Dustin and Lucas for lunch at 12 as normal right?” happily asked Will. Mike smiled, “Yeah alright! See you at 12!” Will, Dustin and Lucas waved goodbye to Mike and headed out of the classroom for their next class. Mike packed up his stuff, and dragged himself across the room, trying to avoid looking too much at it, he could feel a tear coming to his eyes, but fought it back and exited the room, to get to his next class.

12pm came fast enough. Mike walked into the dining hall, feeling sluggish and weary. His eyes scanned the room for a moment, then clapped on to his friends sat at the far back of the hall. He studied them for a minute or two, Dustin was flicking food at Lucas and his head was tilted carelessly back in laughter as each piece of food struck Lucas in the face, like mini cannonballs, splattering and exploding onto his face. Each blow made Lucas more angry, but only a playful anger, which Mike had come to know so well. He studied Will. He was laughing at the scene that was unfolding between Dustin and Lucas. His expression, shocked, his mouth agape at every firing of food, and mischievous laughter erupting along with it, his hands covering his mouth as he laughed and pretended to be shocked. Mike almost smiled for a moment. He looked at them and saw himself, a past version of himself, when he had no worries or cares, nothing to weigh on his shoulders, as now the weight of the loss and grief of El hung over him like a storm on his shoulders, a weight that only he could bare. He slowly started approaching the table where his friends sat, eager to try to clear his mind of the throbbing, torturous thoughts in his head. Dustin and Lucas had seen him approaching. “HEY MIKE!” Shouted Dustin. Over here!“ Will had now turned 180 degrees to face Mike as he had almost reached he table. He smiled at Mike, warm and happy to see him. Mike took a seat next to Will and faced Dustin and Lucas. He tried to plaster a smile on his face, he didn’t want them worrying of him anymore than they had to, and he didn’t want to be the dampener on their fun. Dustin parted his lips to speak, “Mike! You just missed the funniest thing ever!” “Did I?” Asked Mike. “Yeah! Lucas just got pasted by my vegetables, it was hilarious!” Lucas gave Dustin a dirty look, but the supposed severeness of it lifted as he gently laughed and joked around playfully shoving Dustin slightly to the side. Mike felt worse. He didn’t seem to find any humour or enjoyment in this conversation as he normally would have, but he couldn’t bear to ruin his friends fun, so forced a laugh and comment of praise in Dustin for such a funny action. Will assessed Mike, and after a moments silence in clear thought, he asked, “Where is your food Mike?” Mike had forgotten about his packed lunch that his mother had so urgently shoved into his hand earlier that morning, begging of her son to eat something. He put his hands to his face, “Oh no! I’ve left it in my locker!” As if he was really going to eat it anyway. He had no desire to eat, it made him feel ill, but he had to say something to his friends to reassure them that everything was as normal. “Why don’t you just go to the hot dinner counter now? You still have a few un-stamped boxes to fill, you could just have a hot dinner for today and have the lunch box tomorrow?” Suggested Lucas. Mike really wasn’t in the mood for food, the memory of the warm, sour, rancid taste of the vomit that he had thrown up earlier that day, was still fresh in his mind, and the thought of food after that made him feel more sick. But the last thing he wanted was his friends to worry and maybe say something to his mum, causing her to launch in a fit of worry and panic for her son. So Mike decided it was better to try and force himself to eat something, save his mothers worries. He rose from the table and signalled that he would be right back. Meanwhile the three remaining boys pondered at the table. “Do you think Mike is okay?” Enquired Will. “Well it’s been a while now since El went, I imagine he is still pretty torn up about it, but I’d imagined he’d be okay by now.” replied Dustin. “I’m sure it’s just this cold that he’s got! He probably feels sluggish and tiresome. I know I do when I have a cold, so I don’t think we need to worry. He’ll be right as rain in a few days.” Lucas added. Something in Will stirred and he felt that this ‘cold’ was not what was ailing Mike, but he knew prodding and probing him about it would get him nowhere, he decided to just for now, keep a watchful eye on his best friend.

Meanwhile, over at the hot food counter, Mike scoured the food options, everything looked lumpy and disgusting and made his stomach churn, but he knew he had to get something, even if it was just to quell his friends concerns. He pondered the options for a moment longer and eventually decided on a simple lunch meat sandwich, it was the least heavy of the dishes available, and didn’t make him feel physically ill as the others did. He walked with his tray back to the lunch table with his friends and tried to engage in light hearted conversation to take his mind off things…

The distant echo of a bell ringing sounded at 1pm, signalling the end of lunch and time to resume classes again. Mike peered down at his plate, he hadn’t eaten much, two bites out of one of the sandwiches and that was all. He could only just about stomach that much, before images and memories of the biley, vomit came back to mind. Will looked concerned, “You didn’t each much Mike? Is your cold making you feel stuffy and full already?” Mike took this opportunity he was given, “Yeah, I just feel stuffy and not really in an appetising mood.” The others didn’t seem to notice the lack of food Mike was having and walked to put their trays back on the rack. Mike followed, picking up his tray that displayed the not even half eaten sandwiches. He stared at the pink meat, rosy and cobbled together in thick and lumpy chunks. It made him feel nauseated, and he was glad to not have to eat any more of it and leave it behind on the tray rack. Mike silently walked beside his friends along the long, meandering corridor to class, feeling empty and drained. He did not care for the remainder of the school day, he put no effort into his work, not feeling or seeing any point.

That night he returned home to his mother sitting on the steps as he walked in through the front door. He could tell she had been waiting impatiently for him to arrive back from school. He dreaded what words would come out of her mouth this time… “Michael!” She rose alert in her voice. “I wanted to speak with you.” Mike internally rolled his eyes at her, but didn’t externally do such a thing, as he couldn’t be bothered for the fight. She beckoned him to follow her into the living room where it was only him and her, private. She patted the seat beside her to usher Mike to sit beside her. Mike did as instructed and awaited her topic of conversation. Karen suddenly grabbed hold of her son, embracing him in a warm and comforting hug. “Listen Michael.” She started, “ I want to apologise first of all for going on at you about sleeping and eating. I didn’t mean to moan at you or annoy you. I was just worried that something was wrong, you’ve been a little off these days. You haven’t been sleeping well, nor eating well either, and it just worries me. You would tell me if something was going on wouldn’t you?” “Yes, of course mum!” Answered Mike. He had played this game a lot with his mother as a young boy, he knew that arguing and talking back to her would not help the situation, only hinder it. He knew that the best way to get his mother off his back and to keep her happy, was to agree with what she was saying and assure her that if anything was going on, he would tell her. He didn’t hide his problems from her in spite or out of anger with his mother, he just needed to time to think for himself, to think what was going on in his own head, and how to remedy his thoughts, and he knew he could only do that alone. His mothers smothering and constant worry, would only put him off his thoughts and he didn’t want to worry her anyway, so he just agreed with and and reassured that everything was okay. He added, “I think I’ve just caught a cold and it’s preventing me from sleeping well and food is off-putting to me while I am ill, but a cold doesn’t take long to clear, and I’ll be okay soon. Don’t worry mum please.” Karen nodded and embraced her son again. “Okay, I see now I was overreacting. You are clearly okay, you’ve just got a cold, I can see that now. I am sorry Michael for moaning at you and going on, I am glad to know that you’re okay.” Mike sighed a breath of relief. He had managed to buy his mother off with false reassurances and promises that he was okay. She had laid off him. Thank God. He could think alone now without having his mother breathing down his neck and constantly checking that he was okay. He smiled at her and said, “I think I might have a nap now before supper. It was pretty tiring today at school. I feel very tired.” At this, Karen was pleased to hear her son say he was going to try and go to sleep, as he had barely been sleeping much as of late, so it was a cool wave of relief to her ears. She smiled and kissed his forehead. “Okay Michael. That’s fine with me! Go on now” she gestured, “Go and get some rest. I’ll wake you for supper later on.” Mike escaped his mums presence, and wearily clambered up the stairs to his bedroom. He turned the knob, the door opened with a gentle moan, and Mike closed it straight after him. He surveyed his room to see the mess from the previous night’s restless sleep, the broken glass and pottery gone. He guessed his mother must have swept it all up while he was in school. He took off his coat and shoes and clambered into bed. He was about to fall asleep when he shot back up from his bed. He was still scared, he could not deny it. He was scared that he dream would return again. He couldn’t face it, he knew it would come back again, as it did most nights after El had…gone… He reached down beside the bed for his backpack and rummaged through it until his hand clasped on the object he had been looking for. His mother must not know he had these, she would go mad at him, she would go even more mad when she found out that he had detoured into the chemist after school to retrieve them, claiming they were for his mother, and he was merely an errand runner for her, picking them up for her. He pulled his hand out of the bag and popped two of these things into his mouth, before laying down, pulling the covers over him and placing the box he had pulled from his bag onto his bedside cabinet. He felt drowsy and drifted off, the box he had placed besides him, tilted up toward the window, the last remainders of daylight shining into the top of the box, making the writing visible, ‘Johnson’s Pharmacy 2mg Sleeping Tablets’…