#is the hatred just an easier way of showing care? when you've been told all your life to be emotionless?

[scr3wu9]

the romanticism in having a history with someone that can never be erased despite being on opposing sides the romanticism in never being able to rid yourself of the care for them that's shamefully rooted so deep inside of you the romanticism in physically needing someone to keep you from dying the romanticism in saving a person one hundred times over just so you get to be the one who kills them the romanticism in destroying the world when it doesn't end up being you

[thebleedingeffect]

Sometimes it's so fucking insane to me that I've managed to make it to 22 relatively sane and just like... I've been thinking about these past couple days, so here's a rough list of things I've either learned or am actively making myself learn:

1: Not all days are going to bad, but that doesn't mean it makes the harder days any easier to work through. Make sure you don't forget that the bad days don't nullify all of the good days that you've had and will have.

2: The bad days, weeks, and months will eventually pass, and one day, you will wake up and realize that you didn't feel horrible immediately upon opening your eyes. You will wake up and while not maybe not ready to live, you will not want to die.

3: Do not curse your body and mind when you finally do feel yourself begin to wake up once more to the world around you. Do not hate yourself for the time that you believe yourself to have wasted. Be kind to yourself above all else and let yourself wake slowly. Whether that's a single finger a day or feeling the breath in your lungs, take your time.

4: Humans are meant to be burdens and are meant to cry. We are born with the instinct to cry and scream for help, for love, for attention, and do not deprive yourself of those things because you believe that you do not deserve it.

5: I'm sorry if anyone ever told you that you are inherently unlovable or wrong in some way, you did not deserve that. I'm sorry if someone ever told you that you were too much, too little, too overwhelming, too quiet- whatever it may be. You did not deserve that, no matter if you believe what was told to you or not.

6: Therapy is not an end all solution to all of your issues and trauma, but it is a good start in admitting that you want help. Reach out to someone if you feel like you need help in processing your issues.

7: Do not deprive yourself of pleasure because you feel that you do not deserve it or that you must endure a certain amount of pain. There is no morality in taking care of yourself and in enduring pain. Eat food, take your medication, have a fun drink. A lifetime of prohibiting yourself because you feel you do not deserve it is not a good one and it will help and serve no one. Take care of yourself.

8: Listen to yourself when a part of you desperately wants help and needs help, comfort, and a shoulder to lean on. You deserve help.

9: One day, you will wake up and find that you have friends, a family, and a life that you never thought you'd ever reach. Do not take that for granted, no matter how bad the days can be.

10: There is a small, scared child inside of you that grew up painfully alone, isolated, and taught themselves to fear the world around them. That child learned that fear, isolation, and paranoia would protect them from the harshness of the world that they were forced to endure. You must take that child's hand and lead them back to bed and tell them to rest, that the fight is over. You must take their hand as many times as it takes until they finally close their eyes.

11: Some days, you will not believe the words that you tell yourself. It does not make them any less true, please continue on despite the pain in your limbs.

12: You will grow up from a scared child, to a terrified teenager, to an adult. You still carry them inside of you, so do not treat them with hatred, resentment, or ignorance. Show them the kindness that you should've been given all those years ago.

13: If you lived in isolation, loneliness, and constant abandonment, do not resent your future friends for having friends besides you. You are not being replaced, or forgotten, or abandoned, their love for others does not mean that you are being left behind. Please believe them when they say that they love you and have no urge to leave you.

14: You must trust others. You must. Despite all the fear that you've taught yourself to hold onto, you must loosen your grip around it. To loosen the grip will allow for others to help you shoulder the burden.

15: It's an unattainable fantasy that the ones you love most will be able to read your mind and magically know just what to do. That is a fantasy that you cannot fall into because the people you love are people, just like you. They are capable of making mistakes, not realizing things, not understanding why you're upset, or don't know when you're upset or not. To communicate is to foster a relationship into something stable, healthy, and long lasting. Admitting your weaknesses, your wants, and your boundaries will do so much in fostering trust.

16: Being fearful of the end will only make you want to run to the finish line because you cannot handle the possibility of the end. But, oftentimes, the end is much farther away than we ever realize and the path there is what makes the memories worth it. Do not worry for the end, as it will distract you from the present.

17: I do not know where you are or what you're doing, but you're dehydrated. Go drink some water.

18: Your friends love you. They want you around. They cherish you. Do not listen to the scared child in your head that tells you that they're just lying to appease you. Please believe in the reality that you are indeed loved.

19: Reach out to the ones you love if you need help.

20: Sometimes, self care and helping yourself doesn't look like taking the day off and watching that show. Sometimes, it's having having that difficult conversation, sometimes it's cleaning your room because it's been a mess for weeks now, sometimes it's blocking that number and crying about it for hours. The hard things make it all worth it in the end.

21: Self-deprecating jokes at your own expense the fastest way to conditioning your brain into hating yourself. You will see yourself in the absolute worst of lenses and only expect the worst out of yourself. The veil of humor does not make the truth of what you are saying about yourself any kinder. Do not exercise such cruelty upon yourself, you deserve better than that.

22: Some times in your life will either come very fast or pass by very slow. Neither of these are that enjoyable, but I promise you that they will not stay.

23: If you feel angry at the world, get something to eat. If you feel like everyone hates you, take a shower and talk to someone. If you feel scared of the world, try getting some better sleep.

24: Sometimes, the ones you love the most will make mistakes or hurt you in some way. Please tell them so that they can do right by you and help fix things. Do not stew in your own resentment or expectation that they should already know, just tell them. I promise that they will be relieved knowing that you trust them and feel safe enough to tell you that you did something wrong.

25: Old wounds will take time to heal, and maybe they never quite will, but the layers of your life will grow around it and continue to blossom. Do not resent the part of yourself that still lives at that point in time where the hurt festers. You did not deserve all of the pain that you were given, but hopefully, that part of you will one day grow quiet.

26: Take the medication if you need it.

27: Try finding something to do with your hands. Preferably something outside.

28: I love you.

[thunderousone]

Chapter 10

Summary: Vulnerability and a turn of the tides for Eirene and Vír 

TW: profanity, (eventual... it's slow burn get over it) graphic depictions of sex, pain kink, childhood trauma, parental trauma, chronic pain

Rating: 18+, MDNI

Comments, likes, and reblogs are appreciated 🤍

masterlist | read it first on ao3

After the moment in his study and the outburst on the field, Vír found himself around Eirene more. He took his meals with Eirene and Lyire most every day, and even made casual conversation. He took to working in the study in the evenings after training, while she watched Lyranth through the glass. It became a routine. One evening, he'd prepared a chamomile tea for her, waiting by the roaring fire when she came to escape for the evening and watch her home from afar.

Though living with Vír got easier, wielding the lightning did not.

The element within her pushed to be let out every day, but she kept it locked away. Each day she would trace the feeling of power from her head to her palms and visualize that locked box.

On a day when Vír was feeling particularly chatty, they sat across the field staring at each other.

"Will it always hurt like this?" She asked quietly. This chronic, unseen pain had settled into her bones. It was with her all the time. She carried it to bed every evening and it followed her onto the field every morning. It was a constant, restless firework show hidden deep within her, an excruciating symphony of sparks.

At its most subtle, the pain was akin to the gnawing bite, unceasingly nipping at the corners of her consciousness. It was like a swarm of fire ants, their tiny, burning fangs burrowing beneath her skin, causing persistent discomfort that went largely unnoticed by the world around her.

Other times, it surged and flared, reminiscent of fierce, untamed lightning storms. Bright bolts of agony lanced through her, leaving behind searing trails of torment in her muscles. It was as though her veins had become channels for raw, unbridled power and threatened to consume her from within.

It was the constant companion she could never escape. Every movement, every breath, was tainted by the relentless pain.

"Yes, though it ebbs and flows. The more you control your emotions, good and bad, the less strain it is on the body," his eyes met hers from a distance and she studied them. At first she thought the dead stare behind his eyes was hatred. And maybe it is to a degree. But what is reflected in his slate gray eyes is pain. Unspoken, truly agonizing pain.

"How old are you? The storms have been going on for centuries where I'm from, surely you've found a way to stop it, or at least keep it controlled?" Eirene kept her voice soft, curious. Careful not to disturb the delicate emotions they each kept locked away.

Vír closed his eyes and his brows pushed together in frustration. "I'm... quite old.," he seemed sad about that fact. "Some elements are harder to control than others. The wild elements like the thunder, lightning, rain, fire, and others are harder to maintain control over. You're holding just a piece of my power right now. One piece of it. Holding all three is like trying to walk a glass filled perfectly to the brim with water from one end of this field to the other. It's almost impossible."

"Is it better now that I have lightning?" Eirene flipped her palms in the air and looked at the tattoos there.

"Much better, for me yes. But now that burden is passed to you," his eyes opened and watched her examining her palms.

"How is it still so bad there? Why is it one person controlling the entire storm?" Watching him sit across from her silently he looked almost like a child with his legs crossed. His skin looked so far in the cool gray light, if he were marble he could be easily cracked with the amount of pressure he's under.

"The storms were forced upon me, a... punishment, so to speak." He winced at having to say these words. It had been so long since he actually told anyone about this, so long since any of this had happened to him that he felt almost removed from it. "My father controlled thunder, my mother controlled lightning. She died giving birth to me, childbirth amongst us is difficult and dangerous. When she died, she passed her magic into me, despite the fact that I was born with an element of my own," He held out a hand, palm up and with a flick of the wrist conjured a tiny gray rain cloud, sprinkling gently into his palm.

"Rain is a much tamer element on its own, one I was meant to wield... They are all much easier to control on their own. But when my mother passed her gift to me... water and lightning don't mix well. And no one had ever wielded two powers at the same time before. And my father was heartbroken. Destroyed. He'd lost his mate, his one true equal in life. And all he had to show for it was a baby that couldn't control the two conflicting powers inside of it, a baby that had stolen her eyes”. Those unfeeling gray eyes slowly opened to meet Erienes.

"So you had rain and lightning, how did you end up with thunder as well?" Eriene didn't dare move from her spot, they were doing a good job keeping their emotions separate from this conversation, she didn't even see a flicker of fog or mist on the ground below him.

"I didn't really know my father growing up," Vír said it so matter of fact, as if it hadn't happened to him, but a story he was telling her. "All I had was this home, these other wielders of similar elements all around. All I had was the pain and isolation," he rolled his neck around, trying to ease the tension that always lingered there at its base.

"I’d see him once a decade, if that. When I reached maturity, I alone had finally gotten a grasp on controlling the two powers inside me. Finally feeling like I could keep my emotions locked away entirely and exist, feeling nothing but the slight ache of the power inside... until my father showed up again. I almost didn't recognize him, but the elements inside me did. He was broken beyond repair without his mate. I could feel the lightning reaching in, leaning into the thunder, trying to break out of my skin to protect me," A single tear rolled down his smooth skin and a small fog began to build underneath his legs. Eirene didn't call attention to it, but she did breathe a little louder in her rhythm, trying to bring him back to breathing in time with her.

"My father brought me out into this field and tried to pry the lightning from me, like trying to pull the roots of an anicent tree from the ground with your bare hands. He tortured me for hours, and as he was the head of the house all anyone could do was watch. He claimed I'd stolen it, the same way I stole my mother's life. He hit me with thunder so terribly it felled the entire forest," His eyes looked beyond Eirene's shoulders to the now thriving pine forest across the verdant green field. "I couldn't take the pain anymore and my lightning lashed back at him. I didn't mean to- I, I tried to keep it locked away but it was ripping through my head, my muscles, every fiber of my soul being torn to shreds."

He was tortured. His fog was getting worse, it looked as if he were sitting a rain cloud, though he didn't shed another tear and not a single expression past his cold unfeeling face. His lips were so full and flushed pink in the humid air he was creating she thought that if he were to ever smile the heavens themselves would weep.

She maintained her audible, rhythmic breathing as she slowly stood up. She tried to be as quiet and slow as possible with her movements. She despised the person sitting in front of her, but her heart broke a little as she watched him breathe. Something in her bones propelled her forward to comfort him. She sat on her knees in front of him, put her hands through the cool wet clouds that gathered at his legs, and placed them firmly on his thighs. "Breathe," she reminded him. She felt her magic lean into him at the touch as if too as trying to touch him. She felt a little slip through but not in jolts or sparks. Just a small current that soothed to the touch, like a purr.

He sucked in air slowly, a practiced motion, doing nothing to calm his mind. Eirene reached one tentative hand out, resting it on his warm cheek. He felt so real, so human. As she touched his face she felt a deep angry rumble shift through him and into her. She choked on the feeling for a moment but left her hand there, trying not to feel the fear that gathered in her.

"The lightning was protecting me from harm, as if it remembered my mother. It shielded me from his final blow... The thunder ripped through me so hard I think my mothers magic graded on as it did. It pulled it from him and it into me. I thought I was going to die from the pain."

"But it didn't," was all Eirene managed to say.

"Unfortunately not...” The storms here contained in his skin a punishment and reminder. And maybe natures way of keeping him from further harm from his father. “The agony was unlike any other that I've felt. I felt the storms gathering inside me like a hurricane and all the years of pushing the rain and lightning down spilled over the top of my perfectly filled glass. Not even Lyire could help me... That was when the storms began in the mortal world as they do now. I’ve not seen my father since. He’s powerless, I heard he spends his time in other kingdoms, pleading for power, for aid to march against me. At least enough to take my mother's magic back."

His gray eyes finally moved to meet hers and she felt an instinctive need to put both of her hands on his face. She didn't know what was pulling her in, it felt like all of her muscles were aching to be near him. She knew he could feel it too as he closed his eyes and let the hum of the elements between them pull their foreheads together in a moment of silence. For a second it was just the two of them breathing in the electric-charged air. Whatever this was, this mutual passed energy, felt good. Natural. It relieved the ache in Eirene slightly and the drop in pressure so good she could have moaned.

After a few minutes, Eirene could feel the damp storm clouds gathering at their feet begin to dissipate, the roaring thunder within him slowing and she removed her hands and forehead from his.

"I see what it's doing to the mortal world, but these emotions were locked away as best I could. I tried everything to stop it... I made myself comatose for a few decades, sleeping constantly, apparently that caused massive flooding. I tried expelling all of the lightning from myself, hoping that it would choose a new wielder. I tried taking my own life, hoping it would branch apart and find three new wielders and ease the burden. The lightning refused to strike me. The Guardians told me that I didn't have a say, none of us do. The elements are wild, I can't ask them to choose someone else."

"But then what happened with me?" She pulled her legs out from under her and sat legs crossed, closer to Vír than she ever allowed herself before. "Obviously I'm alive and I should not be, was I... chosen?" Eirene was scared to ask this. She didn't know what that would mean for her life, her family in Lyranth, any of it.

Vír shook his head and looked her in her eyes. "I don't think so, the elements don't choose humans. You're far too fragile and breakable. Typically for magic to transfer from one wielder to another means something. An unseen bond that brings them together for life. The explanation the Guardians think is that the lightning spared you, it felt pity for your sacrifice in that moment, and instead of ripping through you, it plunged into you as the only way to save you. Protecting you as it did me before. The Guardians seem to think you can wield it or I can coax it out of you and back into myself."

He stood up from where he was sitting and looked down at Eirene sitting on the ground. He reached a hand down to Eirene and she grasped it and stood with him. He held her hand softly for a moment and turned it over in his, exposing where her lightning markings began.

"I'm told my mother had markings just like these."

[marshmallowprotection]

You've probably received an ask like this before, but do you have any specific thoughts/headcanons for Ray Route AE, in regards to the twins, as well as Saeran and MC's relationship? And what I mean by that is... do you think Saeran would have an easier time (even just slightly) getting over his hatred for his brother than he does in 707 Route SE? How would they interact? Would it be similar to how many people interpret their interactions for after the SEs (brotherly love-hate type deal), except maybe toned down a little?

And as for Saeran and MC, I'm not so much referring to the contents of their relationship, but Saeyoung's reaction to it, how he feels about it, etc.

I hope this makes sense, because I love the way you explain things and I would love to hear your thoughts on these ^^

[417]

Hopefully, Cheritz will give us a canon answer soon. I’ve definitely had the time to compare the two of them since I spend so much time in Saeran’s headspace playing around with this and that. Now, if we compare the events of the Secret Ending and the events of Ray Route, Saeran is in a very different headspace by a long shot. His place in his life is also drastically different. Unknown spent two more years in Mint Eye than GE Saeran did. There’s a vast difference between 6 months of being trapped and two years of being trapped. 

Both Suit Saeran and Ray were long buried in Unknown’s consciousness with no MC around to keep them tethered to the front. It was only a matter of time until either of them couldn’t function with what Rika did. I view Unknown to be another personality that split from Suit Saeran after some point during that two year period. Unknown and Suit Saeran have some things in common but they don’t read to be the same person to me. 

SE Saeran is just Unknown post-therapy and confrontation with Saeyoung, so I don’t see them as separate people, but the same person just in different eras of life. I’ve got a whole other people I could make about how it’s possible that Ray could flood back to the surface in therapy, as well as Suit Saeran, but they may not have the same names by that point. That’s more so just a big post on the way that their system works and how all of them cope with their trauma. 

But that wasn’t your question, but I’d be glad to answer that too at some point if you’re curious! Some people are torn on if Saeran has DID or OSDD specifically, and that’s a whole other topic. Anyways, back to the task at hand, SE Saeran in question went through literal hell for a very long time. He is fraught with so much anger and pain. He physically lashed out at Saeyoung and took weeks if not a few months to truly come to terms with what happened. He has to live with blood on his hands as well. 

We all know that SE Saeran tried to get rid of himself and Saeyoung, too. His emotional crisis is a strong one. He’s hurting so much until Saeyoung can get through to him and they can start to heal. It wasn’t easy. It was a fucking mess and that’s how life is. After what they went through? It’s wrong to assume that it would be simple or without pain and tears. Even after the Secret Ending comes to a close and we see Saeran with everyone, he looks so tired. His emotional state isn’t healed. He’s going to be dealing with panic attacks and much of the lingering PTSD for years to come. Saeyoung will as well. 

It’s going to be a constant battle for them. 

But, they’re both trying and the MC, as well as the RFA, are going to be there to help, which is great. A good support system is important but that’s also going to be messy because... well, you know, the truth wasn’t completely revealed to all of the RFA and that’s a ticking timebomb in itself. Saeran’s got issues trusting and being around much of the RFA. He can’t be around Yoosung or Jumin for obvious reasons. 

Either way, the Secret Ending has a lot of weight to it and it’s going to hurt just as much as it can get better for the Choi boys. Saeyoung believes that things can get better, and he’s willing and ready to stand by his brother to fight for their happiness. You know how much turmoil Saeyoung went through because we watched it. We know that he’s willing to do whatever he has to do for the ones that he loves. 

Even if it feels like pulling teeth. 

Now, thinking about what happens in Ray Route, we see the boys past revealed to the world with a direct attack. Saeran is able to realize that he was lied to and manipulated by the people that were supposed to take care of him. He is able to find out on his own that he needs to leave Magenta if he truly wants to be happy and free from his chains. We watch him be so damn strong and turn against the brainwashing and gaslighting. What he did should not be glossed over because going against your abuser is not easy. 

I was so proud of him for learning that for himself. He says himself that MC isn’t the one that got to him completely. It was a combination of factors that allowed him to see it. From how Ray was treated to how Saeran is treated, how they are promised things, and how those things are taken away. How it just didn’t make sense that Rika was disrespecting him and taking away everything. Nothing at all made sense anymore. She said one thing and did another. He decided to fight it even though it made him feel sick. 

You can watch his actions on the last day. How talking about Mint Eye as a bad place makes him gasp and choke, and whenever he tries to give his brother a chance... well, you see how he acts when you’re still holding onto your phone so tightly, asking him to take a chance on the RFA. He nearly has a panic attack when he tries to even say that he should look into it, much less talk to the RFA about it. He knows that he’s been tricked but he’s bouncing between what he has been told and what he’s trying to learn. 

That’s not an easy process. Saeran is going to be dealing with a lot after the events of his ending that we know of. The sudden fusion of Saeran and Ray can actually happen, I know some people feel like that was out of the blue but that can very well happen whether they make the conscious choice to do that or not and it was the best thing for the body at that time. GE Saeran isn’t Ray and he isn’t Suit Saeran, he’s not the two of them smashed together and he’s not one or the other. He’s someone made up of those parts but also his own person. Again, that’s a whole other thing that I’d have to get into here. 

Saeran has a lot to deal with as far as his trauma goes but you know what the difference is between GE Saeran and GE Saeran? GE Saeran had the choice to set himself free and SE Saeran had no choice. He was cornered like an animal and just... exploded. He was put in a position that he couldn’t decide. GE Saeran had the choice to leave Mint Eye on his own. That already makes the world of difference in his recovery. If we’re talking reasonably here, he definitely needs to start seeing someone to talk about what happened as soon as he feels ready to open up. 

So, he’s going to be spending a lot of time working on his problems and God knows how long it’s going to find Saeyoung so he’s likely to be making some good progress on his own. His relationship with the RFA is already pretty good compared to his counterpart as well. He gets along with everyone in the RFA, and he’s particularly close with Jumin, which makes sense given their natural wits. 

Now, therapy and getting a support system is good for Saeran. He’s got his MC as well with him. However, that doesn’t mean that he’s ready for Saeyoung to be back. When they find his brother... he’s going to need time and space for this to work. But, I imagine that he’s in a better headspace to handle it. He will tense up if Saeyoung hugs him and gets overwhelmed to see that his brother is alive after whatever he went through. Saeran will have to gently stop him and let him know that he needs time, he can’t handle all of this at once. Saeyoung needs to take it easy too. 

He’s got to react to the fact that he’s no longer bound by the agency and that he can live a life not hiding behind a mask. That’s going to be his own journey in itself that we could talk about for a while and I hope it doesn’t get glossed over because Saeyoung’s got a lot of his own woes to work on. So, don’t expect it to be perfect or anything here either. 

Saeran is able to breathe through the unease this time, but his MC will be there to hold his hand and help him speak to his brother about it. That first meeting is going to be a lot. It might trigger him, too. That would be the first time that Saeyoung is able to see that Saeran has someone that cares about him and that would be the selling point. If his brother is overwhelmed and scared and the one with him holds his hand and gently calms him, and removes him from the issue at hand, he’s sold. 

No hesitation. 

You protect Saeran, you show Saeyoung that you love Saeran, and that’s all he needs to see to trust you. He may not know all the details at that point but you can fucking count on him to be on board. He knows how to spot liars and people with bad intentions, and you don’t have that. 

He wouldn’t forget to tell you that, either. 

I think even more than that when he’s around the MC, he will notice how they just know when to touch Saeran’s hand and calm him. Saeran and his Mc have this silent communication. They don’t even really need words. They just look at each other and understand. That’s not something that is easily found in any relationship and when you see people that work in harmony you can’t help but smile. Saeyoung has hardly ever seen Saeran smile and you know when he sees it, he feels grateful that someone was there for Saeran when he couldn’t be there. 

There’s going to be guilt and other feelings in that but he’ll swallow that down. One more thing to add to his list of things to talk about when he’s ready to get his own help. 

Saeyoung and GE Saeran are going to interact slowly but surely. They’re going to be awkward... tense... maybe not angry, but there will be tight moments that feel overwhelming for both of them. Saeran might get angry and Saeyoung might be upset so there’s no avoiding a fight here and there but it may not be as violent as with SE Saeran and Saeyoung. Them getting to know each other is like getting to know a stranger... it’s been nearly a decade, they really don’t know each other at all. 

Sad as that is, it’s fun to get to know each other again. Saeyoung gets to learn things about his brother all the time and he writes that down, trying to make things right and make up for the past... Saeran swallowing back his shame and telling his brother that he’s not mad, and them just looking forward. It’s not always easy but I do think that GE Saeran and Saeyoung will have a different kind of relationship given purely from the fact that Saeran was allowed to choose recovery instead of being forced into it. 

[cosmosfated]

M!A: What's haunting you is no longer a problem. It's not that you've moved on; it's just not there. You're the same you, but it's just gone. You remember your family, your loved ones, the things you love. You even remember your mistakes and why you're here in this situation but it's different. The weight is gone. Breathe a little easier. Smile. Lasts for a week, or until the mun says it's gone.

      There’s a gentle ringing in his head, like a bell...

           Ring... ring... ring...

 The slouch in his posture straightens out  There’s a gentle smile on his face.  But he knows there’s something wrong.

 He pauses in his cooking for his family and he takes stock of his surroundings, the people in the room with him, the items, the situation. Saros, Whisper, Pacifica, Lucidia, Loki, Flare - his darling pup - and the rest of his Pokemon. Good, good, he remembers all of that. He’s in his house in his timeline that he made, with his family, making them food, enjoying their company, and he’s hanging out with them despite... what? Wait. Despite?

                                             Wait, why is he here?

 Saros is the first one, if only by seconds before Whisper, to realize something is off, and when they get him to turn towards them, they notice something wrong immediately. He’s standing straight up. He once told them that he slouches because of the weight of the expectation of the world upon his shoulders. Where has that weight gone? True or not, the weight. It’s gone. He’s standing at his full height, in his boots, and he looks so... happy. But it’s wrong.

 “Hmm. Big brother? Y’alright?”

 He looks around again, spatula in one hand for a moment before he sets it down.

 He looks back down at the young star and smiles a little brighter.

 “i’m... a little off. but i’m in a good mood.”

 “a good mood? better than you were, five seconds ago?” Whisper speaks up.

 Saros squints, but says nothing, yet.

 “Oh yeah, something’s off.” Pacifica says, somewhat jokingly. She stands up though and walks up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder, having to reach up a little more than she normally does to do so. “Well, whatever it is, you look good, smiling like this. A smile suits you, blomstbror.”

 “thank you,” his head tilts as his smile softens with confusion, eyes sighting the worried, and one annoyed, looks of the others in the group. “but everybody else seems to disagree. is my smiling a bad thing?”

 “Not bad,” Saros finally says, not looking away from their brother, who also doesn’t waver much or nearly as often as he normally does. “but it’s not you. You smile plenty whenever I see you normally. This, is not you.”

 “can you explain? i certainly feel like me. just a little bit off mentally, but that’s nothing new.” Fleur chuckles, and the sound is warm, without that familiar grating quality to it that shows the hell his kindness has been through.

 “... It’s hard to explain.” They look towards Whisper, and he’s just as shellshocked as they are. Back to Fleur. “I have to ask that when you’re done cooking, please take a walk. Clear your head before you come back home. We’ll be here. We just want you back.”

 “But guys,” Pacifica’s tone becomes a bit desperate. “He’s happy! He’s smiling!”

 “Sis.”

 “I haven’t seen him this happy around us in ages. Can’t we enjoy what we have while we have it, Saros? Can’t we see him be a little enthusiastic, Far? And Mom, you can talk to him without the scowl! He’s actually in a great mood and he’s not weighed down!”

 “Sis. He’s under a spell.”

 “Please,” frustration takes her tone. “Let him have this. Let him enjoy this. Doesn’t he deserve it after all the hell he’s been through? Almost dying, losing everything, losing us for a long time, he deserves a moment like this, spell or not, to relax and have fun and smile without worry.”

 “It’s not REAL.” Saros all but snaps back, like the crack of a whip. “He wouldn’t want this, and neither do we. He’s perfectly capable of being happy on his own, and this is just m...” They think for a moment before they shake their head. “This is just ruining his ability to believe he’s capable of being happy on his own. Which he is.”

 “but i am happy?” Something feels off about this.

 “You can be. But not like this.” Saros says again.

 Pacifica deflates somewhat. “But he deserves a moment to breathe.”

 Nothing is said this time, and Pacifica finally lets her anger get the best of her and storms out of the kitchen, leaving a confused Monstrosity and a silent family in her wake. Fleur watches her storm upstairs and into her room, only to then look around the room with a bit of a confused look. His eyes land on the god in the room, and worry takes his expression.

 “that’s what’s off, isn’t it?” There’s that ringing again, but it’s stunted, staggered, swaying in a way he can’t explain any other way than ‘breaking’. “this happiness. it’s not right is it?”

 “no.” Whisper says solemnly. “it’s not you.”

 “so you’ve said.”

  He pauses for a time, taking stock of the rest of the situation once more. After a short time, he finds his smile returning.

 And here’s the thing. When he smiles, it’s so gentle, so soft, so kind. His touches are fleeting and careful, the rustling of a young one’s hair like the breeze, ethereal. He stands taller. He’s got a bit of a pep to his step. The pain in him is gone. The agony, the anger, the hatred, and vengeance, the justice. It’s all gone, replaced with something saccharine. He’s so sweet and so kind and so honest and so much better than he was before and it’s so different, but that’s the thing. Different. Wrong.

 Not the truth.

 No matter who he speaks to, they all have the same consensus if they know him deeper than the average speaker. It’s not you, this isn’t you, you’re not happy, this is wrong. And he believes it. And he smiles at it.

 It’s less than a day, less than half a day, but he steps away from it all in a timeline where very few know how to find him or follow his footsteps, and he reaches out with one hand. Claws find resistance as he drags them upwards, the tangled knot of falsities and sugar coated lies resisting with all its might against it. What pretty magic. What pretty, and pretty sweet Intent.

 His fingers curl delicately around it, and he takes out a small pair of clock hands from a pocket dimension. He uses the hour hand to steady the tangled mess in the air, and then uses the minute hand to carefully find the one string that leads back to where this intended to begin and finds the moment where the thread was made too chaotic to function the way it was supposed to. He smiles softer, pausing as he repositions the minute hand, pulling a nearly invisible thread through a hole at the end of it.

 “... reality can’t be worse than this.”

 And he pulls the minute hand through the break.

 In an instant, the tangled knot fixes itself and the hour hand and minute hand clatter to the stone ground. The slouch in his posture returns, the shuddering of a sigh taking the soft smile along with it. A single tear drops off of his chin and he wipes away what’s left of the remains on his face. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

 “reality is not worse than that.”

 And then he picks up the two clock hands, pocketing them again before leaving.

[gerryconway]

Storytelling POV and emotional engagement: critiquing "Terminator: Dark Fate"

(SPOILERS)

Dark Fate is a fun ride, visually exciting, with a standout performance by Mackenzie Davies, but I left the film feeling unmoved and emotionally disengaged from the climax and denouement. I wondered why that was and I believe it was the result of the film's badly fractured point of view.

Point of view in a story is crucial to emotional engagement. In non-technical terms, it's about who you're rooting for-- whose story you're experiencing vicariously. It could be the protagonist or the antagonist, or in really well-crafted stories, both. (Admit it, in "Silence of the Lambs" we're rooting for both Claire and Hannibal Lector.) But whoever it is, the maintenance of character point of view is crucial to developing audience emotional engagement with the overall story. Ideally, you should begin and end a story through the personal experience of the same character, so that you can follow the arc of their character development and feel satisfied that you've accompanied them on a full journey.

Taking the first two Terminator movies as excellent examples of point of view storytelling, here's a breakdown of how that works effectively:

In Terminator, we're introduced early (within five minutes, I think) to our point of view character, Sarah Conners. A harried waitress, "perky" but clearly not delighted with her life, we follow her journey from freaked-out potential victim to self-directed hero. Every major beat of the story, once she's introduced, is told through the lens of her emotional reaction. For example, when she realizes she's being targeted and flees into a night club to escape her supposed pursuer (but actually her rescuer), we're in her emotional POV-- the scene is dark, confusing, paranoid, fearful. If we'd been in Kyle Reese's emotional POV, it would have been suspenseful but alert, wary, tense, controlled. In the Terminator's viewpoint, it would have been cool, precise, analytical. By sharing Sarah Conners' point of view we experience the scene emotionally the way she experieces it. We identify with her, we experience the story with her, and her emotional journey becomes our emotional journey.

Terminator 2 does something similar, but more complicated, and as a result, has an even more satisfying emotional impact. We're given two point of view to follow, with two different emotional journeys, that eventually flow into one shared point of view. Initially, point of view is divided between Sarah Conners and her son, John. Though they're connected by shared experience they're in two very different emotional places. Sarah is consumed by paranoid anxiety and a fierce maternal protectiveness; John feels betrayed and abandoned by a mother who smothered him and is in full rebellion against authority (while simultaneously seeking a parental figure who'll love him unconditionally). In the first hour we follow their stories in parallel, experiencing their journeys from their individual points of view-- and when those two points of view meet up, conflict explodes, with the "good" Terminator as the fulcrum for that conflict.

The separate points of view are each presented as emotionally valid and because we've spent considerable time within each point of view we accept the conflict as justifiable. We're rooting for both Sarah and John and we want to see their emotional conflict resolved in a way that justifies both of them. And we do-- when Sarah's desperation and anxiety drives her to attack and try to kill the man she identifies as the cause of her pain, Miles Dyson, and John arrives (too late) to stop her, their points of view converge. The conflict between them is resolved through the acceptance of a common purpose, and once again the (good) Terminator is a fulcrum, helping to provide resolution by offering a way out of their shared dilemma. Destroy Skynet and the future that Sarah fears (and which prevents her from being the parent John needs) will be eliminated. From this point on in T2, we experience the story from Sarah and John's shared point of view. It's a deft storytelling move, and it's why we're so invested in the eventual outcome-- the "good" Terminator's self-sacrifice. As the fulcrum that the two points of view turned upon, providing both mother and son with a resolution of their conflict, he's become central to their emotional journey--and ours. At the end of the film, mother and son hug each other in shared grief over the Terminator's death-- their conflict completely resolved. It's an incredibly powerful moment and a triumph of storytelling-- only possible because of the consistent use of point of view.

Unfortunately, "Terminator: Dark Fate" completely fails at constructing or maintaining a consistent point of view, shared or conflicting or otherwise. SPOILERS ahead.

Like both the original Terminator and T2, with the exception of a brief prologue reminding us of the T2 backstory and showing us a kind of epilogue to T2 revealing John Conners' ultimate fate, the first half hour of Dark Fate follows two characters from the future arriving in the present. We're introduced also to the nominal new "Sarah Conners" substitute, a young woman named Dani. But our actual point of view during this first act is Grace, the biologically enhanced soldier from the future. She's the one we spend the most time with-- her reactions and behavior are central, and the storytelling of each encounter is from her point of view. An example-- during the initial car chase, we connect more with Grace, whose motivations are clear: determined and single-minded and capable, than with Dani, whose reactions are confused and divided between concern for her brother and father. Grace is simply the easier of the two to identify with. Hers is the point of view we follow-- her situation is compelling, especially when she collapses and even Dani defers to Grace's needs over her own. As an audience, we're led to believe that Grace is our POV character. She's brave, powerful, protective, admirable.

And then Sarah Conners shows up. And suddenly we're asked to shift our POV from Grace to Sarah. Or, at the least, to divide our point of view-- with our two point of view characters in conflict. Sarah doesn't trust Grace, but in this scenario, unlike the similar scenario in T2, we've spent no time in Sarah's POV until she arrives suddenly on scene-- after we've developed an emotional attachment with Grace by following her point of view. Sarah's rejection of Grace feels completely unjustified because we know Grace is one of the good guys (we've already been led to identify with her). As a result, we feel alienated from Sarah's point of view and our ability to identify and sympathize with Sarah is undercut from the start. So, even as we're asked to divide our point of view between Grace and Sarah, we're really not given a reason to do so. We remain in Grace's POV-- but the structural storytelling is now in conflict with the previous emotional stakes. Our ability as an audience to identify the film's point of view is weakened and our emotional engagement is weakened as well.

And let's not forget there's someone named Dani we're supposed to care about too. Unfortunately, we're never given much of Dani's point of view-- she seems to have no strong emotional stake in what is supposedly her own story. Her father and brother are dead and she barely reacts; at no point in any of the encounters with the new Terminator do her emotional reactions inform the storytelling (unlike Sarah Conners in the original Terminator she doesn't justifiably panic and try to run from her protector, complicating the story; she doesn't try to take charge of events, as Sarah and John both do separately in T2; she just follows along, a walking prop).

As confused as this struggle for point of view between Grace and Sarah is, however, it's nothing compared to what happens when the old (bad/good) Terminator shows up. From the moment this Terminator arrives, Grace is abandoned as a point of view character, and now a new point of view fulcrum is introduced-- Sarah's hatred for the Terminator who slew John in the brief prologue, versus the new point of view of a "reformed" family-man Terminator named Carl. Carl is protrayed as loveable and sympathetic, so once again Sarah's own point of view is undercut (just like her suspicion of Grace, undercut by our previous and at that time continuing identification with Grace's point of view). So whose point of view are we being asked to see the story unfold from now? Not Dani's-- she's never been a real point of view character. Not Grace's-- after Carl arrives on the scene, we never again experience a real emotional moment from Grace's viewpoint. Not Sarah's-- her point of view was undercut by our identification with Grace, and Carl's introduction as a heart-warming family man makes Sarah's (potentially justifiable) hostility toward him seem churlish. Are we supposed to identify now with Carl-- a character introduced in the final third of the story? I guess?

For the first third of the film, Dark Fate is emotionally engaging as we root for Grace and her brave effort to protect the life of an ordinary young woman of no apparent importance. In the second third we struggle to settle on who we're supposed to root for. In the last third there's no real emotional connection with any of the characters and it's all just fighting and explosions. The predictable deaths and denouement have no real impact (other than residual impact from the echo of similar deaths and denouement in The Terminator and T2).

So why did the storytellers fail so spectacularly to fix on a point of view (or shared points of view) when they constructed this story? I think it's because they tried to create a story by following the template of The Terminator and its sequel T2: two opposing fighters arrive from the future to kill/protect an innocent nobody in the present day, while also bringing back the stars of the original movies, Linda Hamilton and Arnold Schwarzenegger. These two ambitions are hopelessly in conflict. The story Linda and Arnold were part of was complete in T2; the "prologue" in Dark Fate undercuts the story completed in T2, producing the same sour effect as the opening of "Aliens III"-- and to as little purpose. By grafting this unpleasant revision onto what is essentially a reboot of the original premise of "The Terminator" the filmmakers are telling the audience there's no point to any "story resolution" or character journey in this or any Terminator film. Added to the general confusion and collapse of point of view in the film as a whole-- and what you're left with is a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Yes, Dark Fate is better than any of the Terminator films that followed T2, but it has no reason to exist, and like all the other Terminator movies, undercuts the completed story of "The Terminator" and "T2: Judgment Day."

It's also an object lesson for filmmakers in the importance of developing and maintaining character point of view in successful storytelling.

[semi-sketchy]

Sassy I'm a bit curious but feel free not to answer this question if you don't want too. Why do you think the webkinz fandom is so bad lately. I've probably had my head in the ground the whole time because I haven't seen anything that bad recently. I have seen bad things before on kinztube and kinztagram but what part of it recently is so bad. I'm only asking this to get a new perspective not to tell you you're wrong. you've known this community longer than I have.

Don’t worry, I understand what you’re saying. Curiosity and wanting to learn is a great thing and I’m always happy to help, so hopefully I can explain this well.

The Webkinz fandom isn’t just bad lately; it’s been for awhile. I touched on it slightly here, but I’ll go more in depth below.

I guess the simple TL;DR is that I have never seen a community more willing to put someone under the chopping block to “spread awareness” or simply to engage in callout culture. (I’ve reblogged a few things on callout culture if you wanna read them.) Now for the actual part that’s long.

WAIT. I said I understood and I didn’t. I thought you were asking just what’s wrong with the community and not just recent drama. I’ve already spent over an hour typing all this and only caught that proofreading it. It still stands for today, but recently, since I’ve basically said “bye not dealing with you” to everyone, I haven’t really seen any drama. I don’t watch KinzTube anymore, I don’t follow members of the community, so I’m not really the best one for this. It’s really past experiences that set my opinions, although from what I’ve heard, it hasn’t gotten better. Alright, back to the post, carry on.

Being on KinzTube 8 years, I’ve seen a lot of things. Trends, secrets, scandals, but I took it as normal. I figured “every fandom is this bad. This is normal” until I saw it wasn’t.

I’ve seen people go on about Starrystar33 saying how she was a mean person and no one should have looked up to her, their main point being that she said “please don’t use my name” even though that’s just the thing nearly everyone said back in 2010. People used to get very defensive and angry back in 2007 and 2008 when someone wanted to be queen or king of a Webkinz (for real though, people stopped caring in ‘09 and this isn’t a thing anymore. Everyone making rants like it’s still a thing…no. No one has cared about it in a decade.) I used to see videos saying “block this person!!” although now it’s gotten a lot dirtier.

See, the Webkinz community has stepped aside from yelling “Billy hurt me!!” and has turned instead to “I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you, but to make you understand how much you hurt me~ ♥” And people praise them. Praise them for posting an “inspirational quote” and “keeping drama out of this” when really, the person is going to read it. Their friends will show them. It will hurt like the dickens. And because the original poster is so highly praised, they’ll keep doing it. The fallout is public and everyone knows who the post is about, but because there’s no names mentioned, it’s taken as acceptable and keeping things “drama free” when really it’s just a dirty trick to hurt people. It gets even worse when someone asks “what’s this about?” and they answer “I’ll message you” and the talking behind others backs happen. It spreads from person to person in private as it travels through friend groups. Everyone slowly gets turned against the other party because it’s a lot easier to trust gossip from a friend and have it taint your views.

To someone on the outside that’s not tuned in, it looks harmless, but pay attention to the subtle details and you’ll begin to notice a pattern. To eat my own words a bit here, there was a video made about me awhile ago. I think it’s been taken down, but the user and I had a spat. My friend sent me the video saying “look what they did.” It was a video where a Webkinz that represented them pushed through the crowds, above all the haters, but took special time aside to push down and diminish a Signature Siamese Cat; a Webkinz I use to represent me. To others, it was about standing tall, to my friends and me, it was about them going out of their way to say “fuck you.”

Through the addiction to gossip, hatred is born. Unbeknownst to a user, an entire community can be turned against them. The amount of back-handed exchanges and how people thrive off of it is sickening. And it’s happened to me.

This isn’t even the end of it. One of the reasons I had to disable comments on my channel was because of Webkinz users overall being salty. When I got my third Signature Siberian Husky, Karma, the comment section was a bloodbath. About 4 people sounded genuine saying she was cute, the rest were passive aggressive “I want one” and “oh yay good for you I don’t have one” along with flat out “you’re so spoiled lord you already have two huskies and you had to buy a third and keep someone else from buying it!” I kind of wonder if that video is what sparked the KinzTube trend of making rants on getting doubles.

I was prepared for the messages and when I got Timber, my second Signature Timber Wolf, so I went on the offense. Flat out spewing what I had learned and seen. I made a full on rant that I still stand by. Webkinz fans are salty. If they didn’t have something and they deemed someone had something they wanted, that person was a devil and needed to be put in their place. If they disagree to give/sell it to you, they’re even worse. I was surprised when rather than getting hate messages, I actually got a few people praising me for speaking up. I’m far from the only one affected by this issue.

As I said in the video, I believe this is due to the general age range for Webkinz fans being 11 - 16, a tough time in life where they’re learning social skills. Hormones are raging and I believe this is the time when people are most self-conscious. Low self esteem paired with a community that has hate and gossip knocking on every door leads to a pack mentality, or how I see it, a mob mentality. A confusing and hard time when you’re so angry, anything can set you off. That rage is often directed at whoever is the most recent target, whoever your friends have told you about, who hurt someone you follow.

Not everyone will be like this, I’m speaking mainly from my own experience and what I’ve seen, not any studies or anything. I don’t fully blame them, I was in that exact spot a few years back, but it’s toxic and shouldn’t be normalized.

The worst part of this being normalized and just “something everyone does” is that some don’t grow out of it. I hate to be this way, but you need the punch in the face to realize and learn. No one can tell you social skills and you acquire them like moves in a video game; you have to learn through life the hard way.

I understand I’m highly biased here, but this has been my experience.Has there been good in the community? Of course. There’s also the “village idiot has the loudest voice” thing, so the bad are always more vocal than the good. You just gotta pick your battles and push through, that’s the only way you’ll make it in this community.

-Sassy

[loudgothbf]

Nagito’s face registered genuine shock. His jaw dropped and he blinked for a second, shaking his head. He’s apologizing? Just like that? Hibiki had been so stubbornly furious that Nagito assumed it would take years of waiting and groveling to win his forgiveness, even if it was possible at all. But now he just showed up and said sorry? He opened his mouth to speak, then paused uncertainly. This...This had to be a trap. He had to be careful what he said. He didn’t want to send them back to yelling and vows of hatred.

“It’s okay.” He started slowly, shaking his head. “You don’t have to apologize. Anyone can do anything they like to a worthless piece of trash like me. I’m not angry.” As a reassurance that he meant what he said, he even offered a tentative little smile.

Hibiki barely masks a wince, lip twitches slightly. Why was Nagi always so... ugh. Here he was forgiving him and saying he wasn't mad when he'd acted plenty mad before for visiting him without telling him something he didn't know, but-- but now he wasn't. And Hibiki still was, and it caused a stirring of shame, a small flame tickling at the back of his neck with how pathetic that was. It'd be easier if Nagi was as mad as him, or more angry. Maybe told him to fuck off and die or something, or at the very least tell him to never speak to him again. Something. Something that would make him feel like he wasn't so unhinged for the pain that he felt, that nauseating depth of loneliness he'd dug out, echoing back abandonment and betrayal. Something needed to soothe the part of him that took Nagito's confession, the showing of that collar-- god, that collar-- as manipulation to veil his lie, the part of him that was still here, sure that it was, that all of this was, to make Hibiki easier to use again.

He always made himself a target, right? What was to say this was any different?

Well, it was Nagi. Nagi, who he'd found in the garden, bathing in the playful light of the sun and the little dust of it that clung to the edges of the grass, half dead in his own blood. Nagi who seemed to be just as easily used as him, if more willing. Nagi, who constantly called himself a worthless piece of trash and acted like he believed it. If he was a master of manipulation, Hibiki didn't want to think about how he made all of that come together or for what. But the fact that he couldn't think of anything just made him realize how disgustingly paranoid he sounded.

It's just a second chance. You've given far worse people second chances. But never someone he was counting on so much to be good. He swallows, trying to shrug off the long silence that he'd left after Nagito's words, the one that seemed to just keep growing longer while he didn't know what to say or think or feel and all at once felt like he could either detonate into a mushroom cloud of hatred and collapse in on himself so tightly that he dragged in even the fabric of the light that touched him, like a black hole. "It's..." He pauses, sighing. "I don't get why--" Fuck. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say now. 'Cause I... I don't know if you're still my friend or if I trust you the same way, but it's... it's not like I expect you to just go back to thinking the way you did of me before, whatever that was. But I... can't think of anyone else who might actually..." Want to talk to me? Not think I'm crazy or stupid or selfish? He still could. He still probably doesn't want to talk to me. But you're here now, asshole, so say something! "...understand me." He gives a weak smile. "I did... kinda miss having a friend who wasn't in jail, though."

He lingers at his door with a knot in his stomach. This was dumb. Just yesterday he was dead set on never talking to him again. But after a sleepless night of racing thoughts, after all of his brainstorming, he couldn't go to anyone else with this. So he knocks on the door, tapping his foot and shifting nervously, arms folded across his chest, for him to open it. And maybe he wouldn't. Then Hibiki would have an excuses, of course. But some part of him really, really wanted to see Nagi again. -🖤

Nagito hadn’t had any guests since his birthday, and while he had been out of the house a few times, he was still pretty bored and eager for company. He wasn’t expecting anyone, though, so when the knock on the door sounded, his eyebrows rose and his brow furrowed. He couldn’t help a hopeful surge of excitement, but he tried to temper it by reminding himself that he hadn’t invited anyone over and it was probably just a delivery or some kind of spam sales pitch. 

He opened the door to see Hibiki, and immediately his stomach dropped. He winced visibly, instinctually taking a step back and wishing that Hajime were here to back him up against whatever bad thing Hibiki was here to do or say. Well...There goes my whole day... His face showed one part hurt, one part dread, and another part irritation. “What do you want?” He asked, calmly, but with a defeated tone that clearly expected another barrage of hatred and accusations. He would just put his head down and ride it out like he had the last four or five times. 

@loudgothbf