#is sitting at 8k. so. i think im allowed to say nearly 200k

[bitchfitch]

I think I finally figured out what the fuck is up with me writing fanfiction as like. an immune response.

As people who follow this blog will know, I do not produce fan contet of any variety. Nothing against it, it's just not my vibe. Even when I ran what was Basically a fairly popular generic western comics™ fan blog, it was not a fan blog. It was at best an autopsy theater but nightcrawler was there.

But. I have produced some oh god I just checked. I have produced nearly 200k worth of fic. Mostly for botw/totk and er, and like. I Exclusively wrote that while sick. I just. Never have the inclination to write fic unless I am actively suffering from something contagious.

And I figured it out. o figured out what was wrong with my fucking head to make that a consistent part of my existence on this planet.

The parts of the equation:

- I will kill myself if I am not actively making or doing something that is some degree of creative. this is not a depression thing, this is the turbo adhd.

- A big reason I don't make fanworks is that I worry about disappointing other people or getting something wrong. I don't have to worry about that with my OC stuff bc like. I can't get it wrong! y'all don't know what I'm on about or where this is going! I don't either usually!

- When I'm sick, I have no energy for anything. I can barely keep my head up, much less Do Stuff with any degree of finesse. I also have no energy to be anxious.

Conclusion:

The reason I write fanfic is bc when I'm sick, the anxiety weasel goes to hell for a bit while I'm trying to not die, but just because I'm trying to not die doesn't mean I'm free from the ADHD chimp. So. to appease the chimp , I do the lowest energy consuming thing possible: Low effort fanfiction. I don't have to come up with the world or the characters I just gotta wind them up and put my stank on them.

Yes I am actively extremely sick at the time of writing this. But I am free. I have Solved the mystery