#is it well edited? not very. but i had fun and thats what matters

[laylaisthename]

*wakes up after being cryogenically frozen for a decade* omg you guys i hope no ones made this before

[punkitt-is-here]

How can I cultivate the same, "just keeping making stuff all the time" kind of energy you have? It's very impressive and something I wish I could do!

well, theres a couple reasons i think! one is that i just found ways to be satisfied with small amounts of work. its in part because of my ADHD, but my parents were always trying new things (motorcycles, leatherwork, acrylic paint, collage art, photography, video editing) so that definitely rubbed off on me; i had a great example of people just wanting to try stuff. i keep making stuff all the time because i love trying out new things; you don't have to be an expert to try something new! you just have to have a desire for it! wanna make a zine? google it! wanna write a comic? give it a shot! wanna get into woodworking? buy a carving knife and find a stick or something! i think theres plenty of ways to find entry points into interesting stuff and you gotta let yourself be okay with making shit that sucks just because its fun. which leads me to my second point!!

im okay with being dogshit at stuff! i try new things, i kind of suck at them, and i think it's either 1. cool that i made it this far or 2. kinda funny that this is what its like at the moment. i know that sucking is never permanent, everything can be improved with time, and rarely does anyone ever magically get good at something first try. i think of myself as a talented artist, but its over the course of 2+ decades of drawing; im always improving, and no matter what im going to find things i want to get better at, so why fault myself now for not being perfect? a couple of months ago i really wanted to try woodcarving, so i made spoon with my dad. did it turn out great? not really! you cant even use it as a spoon! but im glad i tried it, it was fun, i had a great time with my dad, and now i know a little bit more going in next time. the idea that you have to be perfect or make tangible progress every single time you try something new is a recipe for burnout. i promise you, it doesnt matter if something doesn't come out like God's Gift to Humanity! Did you have fun? did you learn something? are you satisfied in some small part? good!

(pictured: tha spoon)

last, im just really easy to please myself! I'll make a doodle or implement an idle animation in my game or color a piece and go "wow! thats so cool i did that :)" and it really is just a matter of realizing that its fucking COOL to create stuff, no matter how small! whatever you made didn't exist before you, especially in your own unique way, and now it does! doesn't that rule?! i'm obsessed with it! even if its just a stick figure, its a stick figure you made, and it wasn't there before. thats fucking awesome!!! art is so cool!!!! i think that being happy with small goals and victories is a great way of trying out new things and showing off cool stuff u made, no matter what skill level. :) this turned into a whole big thing, but i hope this helps! tl;dr is try things if they seem fun, be okay with not being good at them, and find stuff about it that makes you happy or satisfied!

[smorbee]

iBook Pyramid Behind the scenes!

This is a long one. Also keep in mind we made this a year ago so were going completely off of memory at this point BUT we do have the files. Unfortunately we didn't save specific versions of it really early into its creation so all the blender files close to being finished.

We have an intense appreciation for funky old computers. People correctly identified inspiration from the Thinkpad 701C. Less obvious in the final design but something that almost certainly influenced us as well was the 12-inch powerbook g4.

There is something very satisfying about nearly-square shaped laptops.

Others mentioned the JVC 3100R pyramid TV which, you'll be surprised to learn, we had never actually seen until after working on this project. The resemblance is uncanny and yet, entirely coincidental. Honestly if we had seen this thing, it probably would have had an effect on our design because the way that hinge is set up is beautiful. Our thought process was simply just comically emulating the form factor of a modern laptop but with a giant CRT.

We're pretty sure the idea started out as simply wanting to design a full profile keyboard into a macbook-like laptop because funny, and at some point the butterfly keyboard came to mind and we said Screw it and implemented that into it as well. Heres the keyboard separated into the different sections.

Sorry to say that the keyboard does not actually contain any switches. (You'll see that this computer was modeled to be viewed a limited angle)

Heres the keyboard from the top.

Once we got going with it, the whole thing was turned into a big joke of course, clashing many different eras of technology into one. Such as this massive beige tank of a "laptop" having a single USB C port as its main I/O.

And same with the software. This is the texture for the display, Which was taken from our real (unfortunately not crt based) macbook setup at the time. Except not quite, as the original screenshot was 16:10. We simply edited the image to make it 4:3. This is running mac os 12 with a majority of the icons changed to early osx equivalents.

We'll be real and admit the animation is not very intricate, theres no real "rig" for the model, parts are just parented together because we did all this in about 2 days. That said, we had loads of fun animating it still, trying to imitate the motion of someone struggling to lift the heavy top up before it swings open with an inaudible, but easily imaginable "Thud". Making the whole body shake and the trackball jump slightly was the finishing touch to make it complete.

The wire for the trackball was made using a circle with the screw modifier and then applied to a curve. Here's what it looks like with each modifier applied sequentially.

And then making the trackball itself a handle for the curve, we can have the cable be dynamic. (Yes, we notice that the trackball in fact has no mouse buttons. No good explanation for that, I think we just forgot lmao.)

For the screen, we make use of a location transform on the UV mapping for the satisfying detail of the screen distorting from the impact, which we swear we've seen before but no matter how hard we (safely) bumped our CRT monitor we weren't able to recreate it. Nonetheless even if its not entirely realistic we wouldn't remove it for anything.

speaking of which, an utterly useless detail considering the resolution and distortion of the final renders and yet we added anyways just for our own amusement is that the display has a shadowmask, simply done by just multiplying it over the base screen texture.

Combined with a glass material over the inner part of the screen, it utterly destroys low sample count renders of the screen and makes the project at least 3x as prone to crashing so thats cool! (it crashed on us while we were writing this section)

We've learned since in future projects that trying to optimize polygon count and materials is still very important even for offline rendered content. We can never be truly free from the constraints of memory limitations 😔

the final step was getting a more authentic less "polished" look in the compositing. This step can get very complicated based on the specific look were going for, but for this render its really just basic color correction and some blurring and sharpening steps. We used the default fake jitter node in blender at the time, though in more recent stuff we use the non-denoised image with filters applied to it instead, so its less uniform between images and more uniquely degraded looking.

Though we'd do a number of things differently now were still pleased with the final result. especially in animated form.

Heres an overview of the scene:

This is the bezeled apple logo in polygon form. Its simply an alpha texture with a normal map:

Thats all for now! Thank you for reading!

[enden-k]

different anon than the one who asked abt artfight but!!! artfight is fun, it's this annual thing that happens every july!! you can put ur ocs on it and ppl can draw ur ocs, and if u want u can draw other people's ocs too for points (kind of like a competition). it's fun if you like drawing other people's ocs but i wouldn't reccommend it if you don't want to feel pressured to draw other people's ocs. the whole point of it is like art trading back and forth with people (but you're not forced to draw for people you don't want to).

also!! i had a question!! i know you don't do commissions but have you considered making a ko-fi or something so if people wanted they could at least tip you for all the art you post???

sorry if that's a lot, i get excited easily about artfight and i love your art a lot;; all the galladay art and art of ur ocs is so nice, genuinely can't wait to see more of ur art, no matter what u draw c: i hope you have a nice day enden!!!!!!! /gen

- 💌 anon (if that isn't taken)

ohh i see. sounds fun! i dont think thats smth for me tho. i cant even complete things like my yearly kinktober challenges lol

i actually have a ko-fi, i was kind of talked into it years ago but im not very comfortable with people giving me money bc i always have the feeling/urge to pay it back in some form, therefore i pressure myself to even it out - even if its a tip or a gift. thats why i removed the link from my sites so ppl cant tip me. my brain is weird and i cant explain my discomfort w that well.

(edit: deleted it now bc i forgot until now that i still had it so yeap, its no more hhgh)

if someone rlly wants to tip me, consider donating that money instead :] theres ppl who could need any possible amount out there and all the comments i get on my art/feelings ppl get from my art is my kind of tip i accept.

anw thanks for liking my art and ocs ! have a nice day as well !!

[bzedan]

[ID: An edit of the Parmigianino painting Cupid Making His Bow, showing a figure from the back, mid-buttcrack up, leaning over, braced against an unfinished bow. They are looking over their shoulder and have the head and tail of Garfield in cartoony contrast to the late Renaissance painting style of the body and wings. The figure is also Garfield orange. A script tattoo on one buttcheeck reads "February 2024." /end ID]

Listen, last year I did two hours and twenty-eight minutes and when I hit two hours and fourteen minutes this year I was like "whatever, print it." Also I liked how they hung together and some life stuff kind of meant that what I needed was a very loopable couple hours, not a curated several hours. I think every time I hear a Donavan song I go "this is my favourite" but it's more like "this is my favourite right now." More love and relationship type songs because you can't get away from that in music tbh, but also it's a fun thing to theme around.

Related media to some of the songs:

"Oh Snap" has some muddy origins, like any phrase. Wild in this article to see that as of this 2009 article it had worn its ironic welcome.

'Heartbeat' by Riggs is from Heavy Metal (1981), well not *from* the movie, but was in the movie, which is so specifically of its genre and era and also so specifically for me, who ended up with a sizable Loc-Nar tattoo. I think you can gauge pretty quick if a deeply '80s metal animated movie is for you and it conveniently is available on Archive.

It was a wet month here, hence all the rain songs, I hate linking to Insta, but latimes.404 had a nice little rundown of stats. The 1933 record mentioned is why we have such monster flood abatement where we live. I can’t remember which Raymond Chandler story it is but one scene takes place in a house that had been swept down a hill by a community ruining flood and THATS the record mentioned in the video. That’s why every four way stop is crossed with gutters that bottom out your car.

Bump of Chicken! 'Sleep Walking Orchestra' slaps. I am a Delicious In Dungeon/Dungeon Meshi fan (vol 13 and 14 on preorder, bb!), it's as specific as Heavy Metal, so I guess decide if you want a cooking manga/anime that is also very intense, and monster-nerdy. (and also kind of horny). Anyway, the official video is a more all-ages delight.

Anyway here's a link to February's playlist on Spotify, with the track list below the cut.

And embedded, if you like that:

'Sometimes' - Nick Lutsko

'There's No Love in February' - The Orion Experience

'Riki Tiki Tavi' - Donovan

'For What It's Worth' - Buffalo Springfield

'Downtown' - Petula Clark

'Braveheart - Original Mix' - DJ Sammy

'Magnify' - Real McCoy

'Everybodies Girl' - Dwarves

'Wildflowers' - Tom Petty

'Lost Souls/Eelings' - TR/ST

'Nightmare' - Dead On A Sunday

'Boy Problems' - Carly Rae Jepsen

'Gotta Get Up' - Harry Nilsson

'One Night/All Night' - Justice

'Brand New Key' - Melanie

'Crockett's Theme' - Jan Hammer

'Baby I'm Burnin' - Disco Mix' - Dolly Parton

'No One Dies From Love' - Tove Lo

'Just a Friend' - Biz Markie

'Cupid' - Sam Cooke

'Angela's Theme ("You're Just What I've Been Looking For")' - ET TU'

'So This Is Love - From "Cinderella"' - Ilene Woods

'If You Should Try To Kiss Her' - Dressy Bessy

'Horizon' - 1991

'Selfish Soul' - Sudan Archives

'What's Love (feat. MUNA)' - Empress Of

'The Beat Goes On' - Sonny & Cher

'Slow Ride' - Foghat

'Walking In The Rain' - Grace Jones

'Heartbeat - Soundtrack Version' - Riggs

'No Matter What - Remastered 2010' - Badfinger

'Raindrop' - Tripping Daisy

'It Never Rains in Southern California' - Albert Hammond

'Your Heart Is A Muscle' - Carly Rae Jepsen

'A Central Rain Melody' - Bart Graft

'Sleep Walking Orchestra' - BUMP OF CHICKEN

'Novocaine For The Soul' - Eels

'Parasites' - Ugly Casanova

'Haunted House' - Sir Babygirl

[lets-jam]

1, 7, 16

im gonna do this for 2077, tho if anyone else does one feel free to specify a fandom

1 - the character everyone gets wrong

hmmm a tie for me between alt and goro takemura. alt ranges from like a generic 'good woman' to the far more common evil manipulative bitch which like. id be more upset about but given we get NOTHINGGGGGGG in terms of content for her about her like i cant get TOOO mad... I GUESS. i just certainly think shas far more multifaceted or SHOULD be far more multifaceted than.... whatever the hell we got. like i think theres something interesting with her setup being like 'sharp netrunner who got hired to make something she probably very well knew was... designed to kill people and could and would be used to kill people, who had her 'curiosity take over' (some fact i heard somewhere) but then also chickened out n tried to stop it last minute, and ultimately was one of the first subjects it was used on killing her body and forever changing her entire being, being forced to survive in a cuthroat alien world of no human basis despite still 'thinking' like a human, being even more forever changed by that and like kinda playing with this idea that yeah it is unfortunate that like traumatic shit not of our choosing can like irreparably change us not for the better, and that we can have dignity/human-ness given back to us by being treated as such even if its alien to her now. course like then its... id prefer her story not being so weirdly tied to johnnys as like a girl he happened to be fucking because... she was there i guess. and thats our only like reference point for her. which is all to say she has the potential you know? and alot of people dont... get that imo. for a cyberpunk setting shes really interesting case of how/what gets treated as a human and what we do when we dont have that treatment/what we do when we're given it back smthn smthn at what point does a self end (with memories? with how we're perceived by others? etc etc) but of course we didnt get to deal with any of that cause the game refuses to even ask these questions about johnny in any real fun exploratory way. and shes only in the game cause johnny fucked her and accidentally killed her... so yeah. and then GORO god this is mostly just me beefing with all the fucking idiots horny for this guy and like he gets fics n posts made about him how he would 'abandon arasaka for youuuuuu 😚😚😚' no he wouldnt! you are literally peon trash to him! he was chosen by a god emperor and elevated in his mind! he straight up believes capitalistic order is fine cause who cares doesnt affect him anymore and its a necesarry thing! which i like! hes completely head over heels for his corporation like a true 'samurai' ie serving a lord above everything else, even 'warrior code' if that ever mattered to him. hes been deepthroating the boot for years n loves the taste! he has never once thought in his life that you were his equal, and he has never once thought of you as a friend he sees you as a true means to an end full stop! hes not some secretly good bushido samurai man! which like more people should run with! if he was given a choice between arasaka and your life he would choose arasaka 10 times over like, hes terrible and i like that, everyone else seems to not.

7 - what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

fandom antics have really made me dislike this one complete side character like this person has like 2 lines but caused such fights in the fandom that im like i guess this is real to you. some gay guy and some woman fought over this side characters sexuality and one like made some weird kin claim to posting edits of him and like!!!! sometimes i have to remember people are unwell. it was fun for a time to watch ppl bitch about that for a while n see all the vague posting that or goro for reasons stated above

16 - you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

lmao sex god johnny silverhand. and related to that johnnys hologram being able to physically interact with v outside their body... ppl took like some 'its there for the cinema' stuff where he shoves v and like grabs their hands and ran with it now we have hard light hologram sex everywhere... even tho ppl shouldve just gotten freaky with it and had them like possession mutually masturbating using vs body like them as a single...being, cause again vs body is the only real thing in this equation and id like abit more realism if im going into some silverv smut, but those are few and far between the hologram sex featuring hologram cum and hologram fingering it just bugs me casue like the draw for me at least is they cant interact like normal separate people, nor can they 'feel' as in feel things like normal separate people, nor ARE they normal separate people like their whole setup is weird, they are literally the same person!!!! and i hate it when people dont get weird n creative in those paramaters with what we're given. esp when johnny flat out says 'masturbation is the only way for us to have sex' too. plus i love the draw of not being able to love or live or interact like you want to... famously i love a 'love' that cant be for whatever reason, despite it being there real girl what were you doing at the devils sacrement self report but it did bug me

[yooniesim]

any suggestions for becoming a sims based blog? I used to do it back in the hayday of sims 3 but it's been YEARS and I still absolutely love making sims, but I'm too shy and nervous to interact with the community ;;;

hi nonny! this is a complicated question that I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask lol but let me try it out. I think I'm gonna separate it into two parts for ease of reading. And sorry if it's a bit more cynical than you probably expected. I've just learned a lot i wish I had done from the start, lol. So here we go.

Sims content

Post whatever tf you feel like. If you love making sims, post the hell outta them and don't worry about what anyone thinks. There's no one perfect type of content to appeal to everyone; the community is made up of a million smaller niche ones. Editors, sim makers, gameplayers, storytellers, cc makers, etc. If you're passionate about it, you'll find people that love your posts. So don't worry too much.

Don't get too hung up on editing, if you want your pics to look "better" then use gshade/reshade and/or simple psd actions to your liking. Don't let it get stressful cos it ain't worth it. If you don't enjoy editing, don't do it at all. (I wrote more about how I edit & make it easier in this post)

Try your very best not to worry about notes. I know it's hard. Everyone wants their stuff to be seen, but when it comes to engagement on here, you're aiming for quality over quantity. A few awesome mutuals commenting on your stuff is way better than 600 silent likes. Also, having more attention sucks bc it brings the vile swamp rats out of their holes to see what shit they can stir up. The brief serotonins aint worth it. Just aim to find a few cool ppl to talk about your sims with cos thats all that matters.

If you want, find bachelor/ette or similar challenges ppl are doing and submit sims for them. And once you get some mutuals/followers, open sim requests so you can make sims for people. It's super fun and awesome to see your sims in other people's games! And you don't have to talk too much if you don't feel like it, but it's an easy way to get involved with others.

Social stuff & safety

Comment on peoples posts often if you like them. Engage with ppl. Reblog posts you see you like but don't really have any reblogs. I know you said you're shy but, this is most of the way to actual have mutuals that enjoy talking to you and comment on your stuff as well. You can just not talk if you want but it'll make it harder to have any engagement unless you're really good at edits or cc making.

Don't get involved with drama/discourse, it means nothing and amounts to nothing. If you're going to boost someone else's post, look into it first and look for evidence that it's even true before you reblog. If people hate on you in your inbox, block the anon and don't respond even to laugh at them. Block anyone that gives you bad vibes. They look at you funny, breathe wrong, use a color you don't like. Block. If anyone tries to start shit with you, block & completely ignore them & don't comment on it. It hurts, but there's nothing you can do about it, and people will move on if you ignore them.

Don't reveal any personal info about yourself on here or to anyone in DMs. Don't use your real name. Don't have anything connected to your other socials. Don't trust anyone on here with your vulnerable emotions, past trauma, etc. And don't say anything in DM you wouldn't feel comfortable with everyone else on the internet potentially seeing.

If you pledge to people on patreon, be aware that your email will show up on their end when you do. Dont use your real name as your patreon username.

If simblr is causing you stress, you feel like your mental health is suffering, take breaks. Log off or delete the app for a while.

And... I think that's all I can think of for now. If there's anything else detailed you wanna ask about feel free. But these are just my general thoughts. Good luck, nonny :)

[clericofkelemvor]

so sil joined the church of kelemvor roughly fifteen years before the game. now in the comics we DO get a little bit of a glimpse at kelemvor's church in the gate. theres a chapel dedicated to him, managed by father alby and nerys kathon, as well as other unnamed (and i think not shown, but like, its not just the two of them ofc) clergy.

some canon info and a lot of conjecture under the cut abt the way the church of kelemvor works, but tldr: over fifteen ish years, sil first works in the city then travels to places in need of a death priest, and they get kidnapped for illithid purposes while theyre on the road.

some time after 1485DR, likely still during the 1480s, thieves get their hands on the relics kept at the chapel and nerys, through circumstances, becomes and adventurer. with minsc!! and other people. the next significant thing is in 1492, after elturel is restored to the prime material plane, this particular group of adventurers comes back to baldurs gate and encounters the cult of the absolute. father alby at that point has been infected by a parasite and he has an ominous conversation with nerys, fights her and her companions that night after they prevent a ritual from completion, and dies by nerys's hand shortly after at the chapel - a mercy kill, before he fully turns. nerys also notes when she comes back to the chapel that it is in a state of disrepair and kind of falling apart.

what this means for sil is that 1) they very likely knew both nerys and father alby, and its totally possible that theyd heard of minsc specifically as nerys' friend/adventure companion! i dont think the inverse would be true though, they didnt hold a very high position and weren't a fixture at the gate at that point, but thats a fun bit. 2) i think they would have heard of the cult of the absolute. even if the mindflayer bit was kept secret, there had to have been an explanation given for father alby's death, and the cult was already somewhat known, though not the illithid part. we dont see what happens there, so im assuming nerys handled or took part in alby's burial before leaving again like three days later (only 2 of which were not filled with adventuring stuff. busy life.).

thats kind of it in terms of canon, although im gonna try to read the comics and see if i find anything else or can get more precise timelines.

now members of the death clergy seem to have somewhat varied roles. im pulling this from the forgotten realms wiki and a 3rd edition i believe book on deities (but seemed like very little had changed between 3rd and 5th edition for this).

i think sil started as a novitiate in the city and helped mostly with burials and administrative matters around those. considering their disposition at that time, they definitely avoided being the person consoling the grieving (or were kept away from it by other clergy), so they prob ended up doing more things like giving last rites, assisting with then later on leading funerals, and helping out with matters related to the deceased's wills or last wishes.

this next part is definitely more me extrapolating but what is dnd if not a beautiful sandbox. anyway. there are a few special statuses in the death clergy, but sil isnt an actual cleric until the game starts, and they were much too despondent to take on a more warrior role before then anyway. i think they stayed a regular acolyte for all these years, but specialized in travelling to communities that needed the services of a death priest. this could include small settlements that simply dont have anyone to perform burials, but also diseased or ravaged areas with a lot of death, in need of care for both the dead and the living. the wiki indicates that followers of kelemvor opposed the lengthening of ones life through necromancy or magic and despise undead (:^)), but also that they tried to ensure people didnt meet their end before they were supposed to. i interpret that as caring for the living as well as the dead; the grieving or abandoned who might take their own lives, and the injured and sick who might succumb too early. so i think for a good decade sil mostly traveled, at first with others but then gradually more often alone - due both to gaining enough experience to handle their duties by themselves and their very taciturn demeanor not making them a particularly sought out travel companion - to either remote settlement or places that had suffered/were suffering some sort of calamity, like hostile raiders, natural disasters, or fast spreading illnesses. they developed an affinity for medicine and treating people, a good sense of whats needed to handle inhospitable environments (say, mountains in winter, flooded villages, stuff like that), and eventually scripts they can fall back on when interacting with the distressed people they would inevitably encounter.

theyd be back in the city when the stuff with father alby happens, and help with restructuring the clergy there, and at that point start having a more important role within the church in the gate. theyve been around for a while, theyve fulfilled their duties well, and theyre in the right place at the right time to have a say. they're still very detached, but theyre dedicating whatever's left of their life to the church of kelemvor and they want it to run well. i dont think theyd get a higher rank necessarily, but theyre listened to when they say something, and just have more weight. i think that means theyd be targeted for tadpoling; as a fairly unremarkable and easy to disappear for a bit person who still has some connection to the rest of the church, and can thus be a gateway to infecting more people in an organisation that the cult has tried (and managed!) to take over before. they go back to travelling a couple months after the father alby stuff so i figure they got abducted on the road pretty easily.

the church of kelemvor presence in the gate doesnt seem huge, and doesnt seem actually particularly concentrated in one location. the chapel is presented as the seat of it in the gate and is situated in the lower city, but it seems pretty small, and while kelemvor isnt a widely followed deity it still makes more sense to me that the chapel seems so small because most members if the clergy are spread out across the city in smaller offices, either attached to cemeteries or legal offices and maybe even with the fists and guards. something thats also mentioned in the wiki is the "most solemn order of the silent shroud", composed mainly of workers, artisans and crafters whose activities are related either directly or peripherally to death (embalmers, gravediggers, etc). their task is to "inform the church of gravesite desecration and undead sighting", but i figure theres also just logistics that ties them to, if not the church, then their local clergy, and specifically death clergy. so i think itd make sense that theyd work closely together and that youd have scattered members of the church; their role in general doesnt particularly benefit from them being all in the same place, and esp in a city as big and frankly fucking messy as baldurs gate theres prob need of them in plenty of places. plus, like sil, i figure a fair amount of them operate outwith city boundaries as well.

i think thats most of the thoughts i have on this so far. i like thinking abt it bc this is actually such a huge part of their life, not just in terms of amount of time but bc they genuinely believe in the work and in kelemvor's guidance of souls. for backstory reasons :^) that im sure ill expand in eventually

[wrishwrosh]

Talk shop Tuesday!!! How do you decide what research to do for a specific fic and which details to include?

talk shop tuesday!! thank you!! this is a fun question bc im very prepared to articulate HOW i do research and WHY i do research but its a lot tougher to explain WHICH research. a lot of times i’ll decide on a vague premise or setting for a fic and then let the research suggest the story, like whatever interesting resources or anecdotes i come across then shape the plot. so in most cases i am researching before/during the drafting process rather than trying to fill in gaps while editing, i think “write first research later” is terrible advice that i dont follow. the rabbit hole is where the magic happens!!

example: i started ‘not a strange thing amongst the people’ with a vague idea of boyd and raylan in wwi meeting in the trenches or something, and then started researching to figure out the exact circumstances: what their wars would have been like, how a guy from kentucky might have ended up in europe, under what circumstances they would reconnect, where and when exactly this would be happening (on the one hand, probably few of these details would make it on the page and this level of rationalization doesn’t matter when The Trench is a perfectly legible symbol to most readers. ((its the scary wet place where homoeroticism happens!)) however i think its more fun and a better characterization exercise when its realer and also the cliche is right truth is very often stranger and cooler than fiction. history is full of extremely weird coincidences and patterns that make excellent stories.)

the original vague plot i had in my head for ‘not a strange thing’ based on zero research just vibes was boyd as a jaded middle aged kentucky national guard nco who got dragged to belgium and raylan as an mp or something and they reconnect while boyd is awaiting court marshal for some kind of uuhhhh trench scam. or something. however then i started digging into the minutiae of how enlistment worked in wwi and under what circumstances particular types of guys got sent overseas and then thought ‘hey were the marshals in the trenches could that be why raylan was there?’ and looked at one timeline on marshals dot gov to learn that the marshals stayed stateside spying on german civilians and chasing down draft dodgers and a little lightbulb went off in my head and then the story became a totally different story. and this was approximately minute 19 of the research process which was still the idle googling phase.

the other way i decide to do research is by questioning all my own assumptions as im writing. like if i am writing about a place or time that is not my own and i find myself going ‘yeah thats probably how things work’ then that is always going to be a productive place for more research and for the inclusion of detail based on that research bc the gaps between my experience and the character’s experience are why im writing the story. as another example a lot of the first bits i wrote for not a strange thing involved raylan having a car and driving around. this was just an instinctual decision i made (aka assumption) (also i had recently come across the phrase “touring car” and liked it and wanted to use it in something) and then questioning that instinct led to qs like well how did you get from lexington to harlan in 1918. what kind of cars would a marshal have had access to. if other marshals in other places in the country didnt NOT have cars could raylan have had a car. and then that led to an unproductive rabbit hole where i was looking at archival marshal financial records to see if they were buying cars and then i had to just cut myself off and say raylan was allowed to drive. BUT i learned a lot about roads and transit and car culture in the place and time that i think made the story a little juicier.

as always this is long as hell and probably too detailed but i just like to talk about research! i just think its neat! talk shop!

[yifftwiceplz]

do one every ten lines :)

🤝 for a headcanon about a connection with one of the receiver's mutual

big fan of dave (yifftwiceplz) and dave (dj-shitslot) basically looking in a mirror at each other at all times, younger self in awe of "older" self (its just that dj is a guardian / has more responsibility) and older self looking back at younger self fondly. thats the good shit. they dont make shit like that anymore but we do like you pass your 13 year old self on the street and your gut reaction is to light up and say oh my god i love you and your 13 year old self is like holy shit, the parts of myself i always wanted to shine through are right there plain as day, we made it

🌇 for a headcanon about morning- or evening rituals

dave wakes up in the afternoon and mostly just lounges around for a few hours. due to his audhd and dysfunction he cant do Anything in any day unless 1. it was preplanned a week in advance 2. he has his obligatory four hour Do Fuck All time. where mainly he smokes weed and listens to music loud enough you can hear it across the house (even though he's wearing headphones). and then once he feels like a person he'll have breakfast, shower, brush his teeth etc and focus on work

😡 for a headcanon about something that makes them angry

it's so hard to make dave angry. maybe it was easier in sburb but he's genuinely a very happy guy. i specifically decided to RP him after i saw that smile on daves face on the lilypad i thought. my guy can heal now. so mostly any time he gets mad it's probably just that he's overstimulated. which is nebulous and random and hard to predict and he tries to grit his teeth and not show it until he snaps, which isn't ideal but he hates looking sensitive or asking someone to back off him in terms of actual real true anger - i dont think he feels it. maybe for a brief moment if someones attacking his friends - only a moment because immediately following that he's got his body and sword between them

🚗 for a transportation-themed headcanon

this bitch cant drive. bro never drove; they lived at the top floor apartment in a walkable neighbourhood what good would a car do yknow? bro had the hoverboard for any long distance trips actually it would be so moe of him to start skating again maybe i should do that. but anyway mostly he walks everywhere he goes. he FREQUENTLY forgets he can fly because thats like... a super power to him. to be used during a fight. but a long fly doesnt work as well as a long walk to clear your head if you have attention issues and mildly dissociate. hed end up in tennessee

hc + 🚬 for a headcanon about a bad habit

oh boy definitely the drinking is his worst habit. it's well-managed but sometimes gets out of hand which is HARD to recognize because dave does not typo when he's drunk. he says roxy is either weak or faking it. striders in general are high dexterity builds so it doesn't matter if his eyes work or if he's coherent - them fingers are gonna find the keys. but he's also a fun drunk! he and roxy share that trait where you get a little booze in them and it's a little easier for them to laugh and open up and be confident in themselves so dave is really good at playing off being totally wasted with being totally charming. and it leads to people letting him drink more than he should quite frequently. luckily karkat isn't as fond of drinking as he is and has a keen eye for when dave is too far gone

hc + 🎥 for a film/tv-themed headcanon

dave is very passionate about film/tv even with his limited "real" education on it, dude just has an eye for it. good editing / camerawork tickles him to death like in a reality show where the interviewee is oblivious to something and there's a slow camera zoom in... got him seal-clapping and kicking his legs in glee part of the reason he's always so busy and tired (which is hard to see because he's always online and blogging casually - that's just part of his process and he just responds to a couple things at a time) is he's such a perfectionist with his own videos. he will not hire an editor. no one understands his vision.

[ask-serendipity-sky]

Umm that can be still about him ? SMF, alone, letter was soley about him. FACE OFF was about toxic people.. but mostly how he felt betrayed by him. LC was about him too.. isn't that the idea of FACE all about ? Story of self reflection? It was pretty obvious to all who actually listened to him and read everything related to FACE before jumping into analyzing lyrics lol. If you want to understand lyrics 1st you have to understand artist pov very well.

Now to few lyrics which may have confused anon. 1st it's not only JM involved but 6 other people for writing. Second, there are a lot of word plays done. He had 3-4 sample lyrics, like we can see in that preview, and selected BABY, COME AND FOLLOW ME because that's what suits the vibe and melody more, it goes more with the flow, maybe producer though it's more appealing while listening ? Like he didn't even had 'she' in original lyrics drafts but added she to make it even better. Imagine if LC didn't had 'she saying....' it sounds like it lacks something as a iconic starting isn't it ? Rn 'she's saying baby saenggak hajima' is considered iconic opening to a song that you only have to type 'she saying... ' for lyrics to pop up lol. That's what the talent of producer and writer is 🤌

Third, in previous trailer he was in dilemma on which word he should use in FACE OFF... on whether he should use 'ordinary story' or something else. So yeah lot of replacements and corrections were done while reaching the final lyrics.. if you have written story, poem, essays or any type of literature you will know. It's not just about saying your story 100% as it is.. then it will be autobiography lol. This is art.. which is flexible and should please the listener/ viewer also. Just like how they add cinematic moments to 'based on a real story' movies.

So no matter who try to make his album about someome else, breakup or whatever idc because he clearly said what it is 🤷‍♀️ now it's upto others interpretation, ik there will be dummy y/n tweets to get likes 🤷‍♀️

Hi anon,

By "him" you mean Jimin, right?

If so...

Yes, it all comes down to people that consume music just for fun and people who will go deep into it to try to understand what the writer is trying to say. Not everyone will look into song meanings, especially since Jimin has always been vague about FACE and more about Like Crazy.

I agree with all the points you make.

I wish I had written my thoughts on FACE but...

Like Crazy is Jimin singing to Jimin. "She" is Jimin, and "baby" is Jimin.

Thats the entire point of the song and mv..and the choreo. It's the struggle between himself, experimenting that loneliness and wanting to stay in it.

There really isn't room for anyone else in that struggle.

Like Crazy is more complex than people think. You really need to have all the information for it, otherwise, it seems like a basic love/break up song or whatever say it is.

Thanks for sharing.

Edit to add: wait...I just read your ask again. Letter is about Jk.

[ducknotinarow]

Impurtity Test:

Raphael Edition

"Uh I might need to rethink some things? I don't Think Case would be all to happy to see this result?"

Nah I would more credit this to the fact Raphael often doesn't see reason for them to get involved in human matters, or moments he feels the cops should be the ones to get involved. Raphael isn't often one to spring into action like Leo or Mikey can be. But Raphael also will when he feels he needs to or should like when he wont going on the masquerade boat party. He was pretty insistent on helping the people on the boat. As they say your first reaction doesn't define you but your actions after do.

"And Leo's always going on 'bout my honor what not, but yeah I guess my drinkin' habits can be sort a bad 'hing time ta time but eh whatever."

I have mentioned in the past that Raphael in a borderline Alcoholic. Especially when it comes to his self harm habits. It when it can be the worse if anything. Raphael is someone who been dumb enough to have a drink here or there before going top side as well meaning hes sort done it to add a thrill to his fighting. Not to mention as fun as it is for him to have his drinking binges with Casey and Von its clear he only dose so when hes upset and drowning that away isn't really a good sign.

"Don't show 'his to anyone I feel they buy the alcohol but I jus' know the sex bein' highest would get me ragged on...mostly by casey."

I keep saying it Raph is horny uwu Raph just is someone thats highly active when it comes to be horny is all. Where other may more perfer stuff done to them he wants to be the one doing more. I do feel Raph could go either role but he dose perfer topping and take charge just gets him off the thought someone wants him so bad they will take anything he allows uwu Hes pretty into a lot of kinks that follow with this along with the idea of that person belonging to him down to thier body being like his play thing uwu its an odd sense of security for him. If anything his drinking habits likely help cover buuuuut Raph would be so down to fuck drunk.

"Eh highschool what can I say."

A tad surpised hoe even some of this is but I will say taking into account Raph has a new outside factor of influence and that being high school this dose opens the doors for Raph to lean into more things out of peer pressure. Not so much forced to do it but in situation where others are he just might. Especially since I feel Raphs gonna be around a rowdy crowd after joining the wrestling team. Sort of the only other Raph I can see trying drugs the other being 12. Raph already displays a need to look cool in front of his brothers so yeeeah that gonna carry over with them making humans friend. Raph might wind up needing a saving because he drank a little too much and never had a drop before. Or feel sick from smoking a bit too much weed with the team. uwu

"hmmm nah that seems 'bout 'ight."

I know this is a small self contained game but I do truly love how Raph is in this game something about how he seems to be at a point where he has learned to control his anger it still gets the better of him but he has a handle on himself even enough to be able to talk sense into Leo on his lone wolf bull uwu. But I would still say Raph is someone who dose very much got his vices. Hes very about getting things done not really caring about it being honorable or morally right. Of course hes got some vices I have wirtten him drinking here and there I feel he cut back when Splinter was missing but once home he let himself indulge a bit. Course he also allowed his sexual exploration to awaken as well uwu sooo Casey be ready >>

[merge-conflict]

💕 self-love time! talk about which ones of YOUR creations (edits, artworks, fanfics) you like the most then send to other creators to do the same 💕

🥰

Alright, so unfortunately all I have to share for this one is pieces that are either technically a WIP, or a cut scene, but c'est la vie.

When I'm drafting out an important scene that isn't dialog-heavy I tend to write in stream of consciousness, hitting all the sensory descriptions and metaphors at a high level, which sort of gives me a frame to actually write the rest of it along? I had to search to find a small example because I've started just deleting them after I've written it.. so from cyberhanami I had:

Born To Die [Johnny Silverhand - thats what the name is for, a construct just like the tower. the whipping wind, the smell of burnt plastic, scorched metal and ganic flesh. moving into the belly of the beast. gummy lids. pain too intense to think. half blinded by the blast but it doesn’t matter. from hotblooded to sluggish. triumphant and then just Dead. he wakes up to see the tower. he wakes up to see the tower!]

I took me a while to start doing that, I think because I felt like it wasn't the Proper Way to outline anything, before I realized that was a dumb reason not to use a tool that works lol. Anyway, at some other point I also realized that if I clean this up a little, it has a very particular energy that is perfect for writing a sensory overload moment, or a sort of dissociative scene. Think like those moments in movies where all you hear is a loud ringing sound while a character is trying to deal with either too much at once, or the literal or metaphorical outcome of an explosion. And I really like having found a distinct style to tell those scenes in, which I did first roughly in a now outdated scene (probably 2-ish years old..) for my longfic:

Which direction she picked she couldn’t tell. Johnny’s voice buzzed in her head, subtle as a jackhammer and just as incomprehensible. She passed people on the street, who regarded her with the well-founded hostility all Pacifica had for outsiders, and she had to strangle the absurd desire to shriek with laughter.

Her throat ached. Her body ached.

Her heart, her sorry bruised broken dead heart, sat in her chest and she wanted to pull it out and scrape it clean, bite it, cut it, eat it, anything to make it stop.

The sun was too loud, glinting off concrete like a spotlight. Her skull heaved. She could feel thick blood oozing out of her nose, her ears, her mouth but though she kept wiping at her face she found only sweat. Tears, too, which stung at her eyes. Every part of her vibrated with panicked fury, shivering in the heat of the midday sun. Johnny’s speech gradually had more pauses, more profanity, demanding a response, but it all washed over her like autumn wildfire.

Which was a lot of fun to write, but even though it's kind of pushing at what the Rules of writing are that I vaguely remember from school, it's still pretty regular. So I thought, what happens when I say fuck the rules, and really mess around with style and presentation. Who gets to decide the format and encoding of this piece I'm sharing? Me! :3

And so even though this is an out of order scene that I still have so much to get through before I decide how and in what form to keep it, I'm very attached to the extremely dissociative style of a WIP I've shared in a few iterations:

“Valentina?”

it was a calm voice, a strong voice, wielded in the kind of tone reserved for something feral and dangerous and pathetic. she could not be valentina, and she could not be johnny, and she could not be human, but the awful cacophony in her head would not allow her to be nothing.

Just with the lowercase formatting, it creates a sense of unease, a sense of distance from being fully conscious and fully present. The sentences run into each other, over each other. Not a fully formed thought, but more of an animal stream of consciousness. The following should resonate with anyone who has had to bear the mortifying ordeal of being comforted during a breakdown:

“I need an answer, Valentina. Yes or no. You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to, but I still need your answer.”

“No.”

her voice weak. her voice soft like rust. an impression where once something used to be.

“Thank you. Now how are you feeling?”

her lungs wheezed, a madman’s laughter, but that was hers that was her right and she was weak and tired but her laugh was sharp like a blade and so long as she could hide her face from light it was enough to keep the ground underneath her feet.

“Valentina–“

“No.” Wrong.

this doctor was not stupid. “V?”

agreement could be a sort of silence– if you were petty about it, if you were cornered and angry and helpless like a cat in alley. a fox in a trap. (no. no more. no more–) if you were coiled in and around yourself, where you could not be, but could not afford not to be, that could be yes.

Even like this, you can see that the panicked animal brain is still being managed by V's reflexive and somewhat painful self-awareness. And I'm really happy with dipping into that style when the story is specifically about sense of self, how far self-control can go, and fighting against your own nature.

Aaaaaanyway this got stupidly long and I'm sorry for that, but I just love deliberately playing with writing style and finding and playing to my strengths, even if it's not everyone's cup of tea. :3

[allthedamnlove]

omg i love that you can talk about drewfiona & rafesofia for hours lmao bc same! i hate how the riaras (yuck) on twitter shit on sofia sm and say her and rafe had nothing and that she was filler like pls don’t piss me off…they literally had more chemistry than anyone else. that proposal scene itself was greater than every romantic scene combined. and they’re both such GOOD actors. they just didn’t have a fleshed out plot line which we can blame the writers for, but if they had the screen time and the material they would literally be the most talked about thing in the whole show. meanwhile kiara’s character only knows one real facial expression and it’s the pissed off face she makes all the time #nooffense anyways idgaf, i hope sofia and rafe end up together and married and i hope we get drew and fiona press next season. i need to see those sweetie pies interacting moreee!

This is a biggg answer so ill put this down

first of all THANK YOU for the compliment. It is going to be a tough year waiting for obx and then RIARAS DRONING IN OUR EARS with a chainsaw talking about muh "enemies to lovers" trope while its clear that jj would probably come back alive, skin rafe and put him on the coffin rather than see kie and rafe. So any support for sofia is great

Oh both of them were amazing this season even tho they had like six scenes LIKE WHAT IS THIS, SOVIET RUSSIA can you please give me more I am starving here. But obviously since "sofia is a filler charcter' her own story and rafes and sof's relationship dont matter . i wish obx was shot in the 2000s then every season would have 23 eps and we would get such an amazing storyline. And you're so true, even with the minimal scenes their edits in insta and twt are going on fire. clearly some people who dont like fun are like "oh i dont like sofia" well I LOVE HER so move tf on and enjoy. People are clearly getting the agenda buttt some idiots are ruining it for us butt jiaras would literally hang jpates so i dont think fanservice will come in next season. They literally want rafe to be dead rather than with kie and they are pissed as hell abt jj so nope i hope to god that shit doesn't happen. I feel like next summer or autumn they may start shooting (idk tbh) so if we could just see on bts if fiona will be there, we will know for sure that sofia's story is not over.

I am honestly so sad for jiaras situation like they were so cute from s1 till s4 pt 1 like rudy leaving along with the entire drama kinda completely ruined jiara and its so sad cuz they have and HAD SO much potential like they COULD HAVE KISSED IN SO MANY SCENES. The scene when jj and sarah reunite with the rest of the gang should have also had a jj and kie reunion scene that would have ATE and also what the fuck was that ending, his own dad killing him that's so fucking tragic. That shit made ward and john sr the father of the series who both are ASSHOLES btw. Culimination of all that, madison and rudy just let go of professionalism and didn't provide the audience what they deserve. so that ended up kie looking like shes pissed off at jj; even when jj told his lifes been a lie she was...ok...like girl my bb sofia sounded more concerned when rafe called her in morocco. when compared to that with rafe literally proposing to sofia when rafes probably 23 and shes like probs 21 like OH HE WANTS HER BAD. jj didn't even properly kiss her LIKE THATS DIABOLICAL and they come for sofia being bland...like look in the mirror. Thats why psycho ship fans feel like they will get ri*ra like rafe actually was "amicable" key word "amicable" to her but again she had a knife on her back when he approached and rafe still kinda loathes her soooo.

I feel that they dont even watch the same series like jj and kie has been loving each other FOR YEARS loca and their delusional ass thinks that just because rafe threw some smouldering looks doesn't mean that kie is going to jump him and its very very disrespectful to kie that they want them together tbh.

Now....lets talk about it....I MEAN AGAIN THAT PROPOSAL SCENE CHILLSSSS. I hate that tiktok is a cesspool mostly filled with mentally weird people who are just liking riara edits when THERE IS LITERALLY A GODDAMN POWER COUPLE THAT YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON. I mean I loved all the ship chem this season; jarah blew me away and as usual we love cleopope in this fam but RAFE was actually making moves EXCEPT THAT FUCKASS SCENE like buying a property for her and marrying her LIKE THAT IS A FUTURE WIFE GUY. And AGAIN UGHH THE CHEMISTRY WAS CHEMISTRYING AND I HATE THAT I DIDNT GET ENOUGH SCENES. I would literally fall on my knees if I can get that enduro scene where rafe carries sofia BRIDAL STYLE like CALM DOWN. Buttt people say that its actually BTS which means DOUBLE DEATH LIKE HUH WHY DID THAT HAPPEN. Trust me, if only sofia was written by a woman instead of a m*n, we would have gotten so much more. Also a lot of self insert fics make sofia look like the bad guy NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT like obvio the yn is the heroine but like it just irks me that's all; that's just my personal opinion. And only very handful writers, not including the Brazilian Portuguese Rofia AUs (btw are amazing and you guys should totally check it out; i just google translate and read them.) there is not much fanfic or discourse abt them on ao3 or tumble again is kinda sad. I have mapped out a story for them butt i am kinda busy with my life rn even tho my brain and attention span is fried; so i cant be able to write it right now but i am for sure writing it cuz I'm sick and tired of the showrunners ruining the top tier potential that rafe and sofia have

I remember me and the approx 20 people in this app speculating abt whats going to happen in pt 2 after oct regarding rofia. I mean I thought the truth would come out and it will be messy so I THOUGHT I WAS READY to process it. BUT THEN BOOM RAFE PROPOSED

RAFE PROPOSED LIKE WHAT

I remember LITERALLY HOLLERING and screaming WOOOHOOO when he proposed. OH IT WAS EVERYTHING, some people say it was half baked like....whatever girl. the fact that man thought of marrying her itself is like HUH. I thought we'll get like a "i love you" confession BUT NEVER A FUCKING ENGAGEMENT SCENE. So Jpates your beatings will be less for that one reason.

And the way they kissed THREE TIMES BITCH I WAS UPPPP. Him close to crying like SOFIA YOU DID IT GIRL YOU DID IT. He clearly loves her like a lot and I hate that his INSECURE ASS would just break it up IN MOROCCO OVER A GUY WHOS CLEARLY A CON. AND THE WORST PART IS MY GIRL WAS SO HEARTBROKEN LIKE THAT SHOT OF HER JUST DROPPING THE PHONE. SOMEONE HOLD MY BABY SHE DOESNT DESERVE THIS. He straight up said "DONE" like mfer talk it out, acting LIKE HE JUST DIDNT CUT SOFIA OFF WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY THAT SHE MADE A MISTAKE (again warranted cuz rafe is an insecure ass and deserves that whooping, treating the love of your life like that DUSTY BEHAVIOUR).

Everyone says that drew has chemistry with everyone...i kinda disagree. I watched The Other Zoey and as much as i liked it the chemistry between Katherine and drew was not hitting at all. And the background score was not it at all, I was actually fast forwarding for all the romantic scenes with music cuz that was just tacky. And i feel like the final kiss was like...meh. I love the character Zach tho, he is so fuckng cute but I feel like the art direction and the overall aesthetic and the chemistry was not up to the mark. I was expecting more like"to all the boys i loved before" level cuteness but nope it was...ok ig. Compared to that, fiona and drew seem so intense on obx like the banter and the sexual tension is very palpable between sofia and rafe. even in scenes like the one second WHERE SOF PUTS HER HEAD ON RAFES SHOULDER like I felt that chemistry was chemistryfying.

I can talk about them for eons I am not even kidding. I love them smmm. THANK YOU FOR THE ASK

[lostyetfinding]

Acrylic and Ink

Chan has been feeling out of it, stuck with a song but no lyrics so Jisung and Changbin suggest he take some personal time. Jisung gets him an appointment at the Acrylic and Ink tattoo parlor so he can cover up an old scar he has been planning to cover for a while. But the place is different from other tattoo parlors Chan has been to. From the smell of acrylic paint to the big windows letting the sunshine in to the freckled and surprisingly not inked tattoo artist, Felix. And maybe he gets a tattoo plus some inspiration!

I don't even know what to say. I got a tattoo Saturday morning and the combination of that and the new individual stray kids Instagrams had me out of it. It's Tuesday right now, I have been writing this story on and off for four days in between working and writing my other fic that is at like 90k...

I have no clue what to do with myself anymore. I just know if I didn't write this it would not leave me alone. As I was working on it, Chan became more like me, having a sensitivity to smell and when I described the tattoo process I could only describe how it felt for me. I honestly enjoy the pain of tattoos (I have issues) which means he did as well. This is not everyone's experience. I always recommend hydrating before a tattoo and don't be like Chan in this (or me in real life) and try to eat food before the appointment and avoid caffeine that day. Now I have to go write an article as the editor for a university news source and edit the next chapter of my ongoing fic because I have no self-control.

Please leave comments and questions but no concerns because I am honestly the most concerned. Trust me, I don't need any more.

I hope you enjoy!

Read on ao3 or below

3RACHA BOIS (Chan, Jisung, Changbin)

Changbin: what is this gc name?

Chan: jisung picked it not me

Jisung: We are 3racha, what's wrong with it?

Changbin: ew punctuation

Chan: it's fine

Changbin: why the bois?

Jisung: Cause we are the BOIS!!!! 🥳

Changbin: and I repeat, ew

Chan: while this is very entertaining

          I have been stumped all day, can't write the lyrics for this song

Jisung: Come get lunch with me, eating always helps me get out of a stump! 🍜

Changbin: can you not use punctuation pls

Jisung: Without a question mark that is just a statement, punctuation matters hyung!

Changbin: ?????

                 now is it a question

Jisung: There is another statement, how wonderful.

Chan: why am I even here?

Changbin: just go relax chan

Jisung: Are you asking metaphorically or literally? Also, do you mean here as in this groupchat or here as in reality?

Changbin: he obviously meant the gc han

Chan: I wish you guys would flirt in private and leave me alone

Jisung: He just insulted me and you call that flirting?

Changbin: that was not an insult

Chan: changbin has never been the best flirt, the fact you are dating him is still strange

Changbin: I agree with that

Jisung: Moving on... Chan, what can we do to help?

Changbin: not even going to argue that

Chan: I just feel out of it, writers block and disassociation at the same time 😅

Jisung: Disassociation... 🤔

Changbin: thats the thing where he feels a bit out of his body

Jisung: I know what it is, babe. I am just trying to remember what we do when Chan gets like this.

Chan: we?

Jisung: Yes, 'we' the 'we love Chan' club. 

Changbin: I am not in the club

Jisung: He is the founder of the club.

Chan: okay...

Jisung: Wait!

Changbin: wait for what

Jisung: Last time Chan was like this he took a day off and did stuff for fun instead of work.

Changbin: I literally just suggested that

Jisung: Therefore no one else has the ability to think the same thing? 🤨

Chan: I have a deadline

Jisung: Who set the deadline? 👀

Chan: ...

Changbin: that means him

Jisung: Perfect! Then it's settled, I am headed to your studio now and we are getting lunch to start off your day of relaxation. 

Chan: so I have no say in this?

Changbin: nope

Jisung: Chan! I am knocking on your door open up!

* * *

"So?" Jisung asks me.

I force myself to swallow. "It's good."

Jisung looks so happy to hear this, nodding. "I know! I told you that ramen burgers are the best thing ever."

"They are really good," I concede. I adjust the tinfoil around said burger. I was grossed out at the idea, buns made out of fried ramen noodles with kimchi and vegetables and chicken in the middle. It should taste worse than it does. But, it is good so I take another bite.

Jisung lets out a pleased moan while he bites into his own, the vegetarian version of the ramen burger. He had told Chan that he wanted more vegetables. That was after he told a disgustingly domestic story about how Changbin had made him steak and rice for breakfast. 

I liked how happy they were, a brightly lit open floor plan apartment filled with mismatched furniture and video game merchandise. But they could not stop flirting or being domestic in front of me which just makes a hint of jealousy flare up. 

"So, what else do you want to do today?" Jisung asks me in between bites of the crunchy noodle sandwich. 

I avoid his gaze. "Go back to the studio." 

"No!" Jisung exclaims. "What relaxing things are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

I just shrug. "I just want to get this song finished, Jisung."

Jisung sighs. "How long have you been working on the song?"

"A few weeks I don't know," I say as I crumple the tin foil wrapper even more. If I keep taking a bite every time I want to say less than a sentence, this sandwich is never going to last.

"Right, so, if you have tried one thing for a few weeks and it hasn't worked, maybe we can try something else?" Jisung suggests. 

I hate that he is right, so I take a bite of my ramen burger. Jisung watches me chew, having known him for over eight years means he already knows I am stalling. It also means Jisung has already won this argument, I just hate admitting it. 

Jisung isn't going to wait for me to admit it either. He crumples the now empty tin foil in his hands and says, "I already had Changbin change the code to your studio. You can't get back in until you take at least today and tomorrow to rest."

Before I can even swallow my food and protest, his phone buzzes.

Jisung unlocks it and quickly scans the screen. The huge grin that covers his face is instant confirmation of who sent the message. Changbin. This means my studio is already locked up and that Changbin is already on board with this 'torture chan' day. Glorious.

Another buzzing of Jisung's phone makes him jump, eyes locking with mine. "I have amazing news!"

I go ahead and fold the remaining half of my burger up. "You are locking me out of my apartment too?"

"No, although I did consider it because you have all the equipment you need there but Changbin pointed out that you will still have a bed and a kitchen which is a huge improvement," Jisung explains. 

"Right, so the amazing news?" 

Jisung nods, locking his phone and tucking it back into his jacket. "The artist who did me and Binnie's last set of tattoos has an opening tomorrow morning. He said you just have to come in and he can figure out something to cover that scar on your wrist."

"That will take hours Jisung," I groan. My entire back had been covered in ink almost four years ago and it took five different sessions in an uncomfortable chair while the entire parlor smelled like cigarette smoke. I am fine with people smoking, but that smell gets obnoxious after a while. 

Jisung shakes his head and throws an arm around my shoulders. "No, it is nothing like that awful place you went to forever ago. Felix is super sweet and professional, he even has different scented candles and playlists for clients who have a preference. He said if you send him a photo of your arm tattoos and your wrist tonight, he can have a couple of designs for you to pick from once you get there tomorrow."

"Really, Han? I can't write a song so you encourage me to go get a tattoo? Is this a healthy coping mechanism?" I ask him, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Jisung leans back, pulling me with him and forcing me to rest my head on his shoulder. "Oh it is a terrible coping mechanism, I just prefer this over all the others."

"Well as long as you are happy..." I murmur. I am not present enough to have any chance of dissuading Jisung and don't possess the motivation to try.

He laughs and squeezes my shoulders. "Great! Binnie sent you his number already and your appointment tomorrow is at nine. He said the only other appointment he has starts at one so no rush, the parlor is called Acrylic and Ink."

* * *

New Chat

Chan: Hi, is this Lee Felix?

Felix: yup! You must be Chan right?

Chan: yeah, Jisung said you wanted photos of my other arm tattoos and the wrist you will be working on tomorrow?

Felix: that is correct, I just want to see what other tattoos you like so I can design something that fits in with them and also Changbin mentioned it would be covering a scar correct?

Chan: yeah, old biking accident that I don't like remembering

          I'll send those photos

          [image attached]

          [image attached]

          [image attached]

          I also sent the photo of my back tatts cause they kinda lead into the ones on my upper arm

Felix: got it! So you don't have anything on your wrist or lower arm yet?

Chan: no, nothing yet

Felix: got it, makes my job a little easier, I will have a few sketches for you tomorrow at nine

Chan: about that

Felix: is something wrong?

Chan: yeah, nine is really early

          anychance you would be okay with me coming in at ten instead?

Felix: that works 

Chan: cool

          oh, I will probably get coffee beforehand, anything I can bring you?

Felix: oh, you don't have to

Chan: I know but it feels rude to come in with a fancy coffee and spend an hour or more with you and not actually share, I am so used to always getting extra for Jisung and Changbin 

Felix: okay, if you don't mind I drink Earl Grey most mornings, most cafes call it a London Fog

Chan: got it, see you at ten

Felix: Yep! Make sure to drink lots of water tonight and eat something in the morning!

Chan: right, be a functioning human, got it

Felix: 👍

* * *

It is exactly 10:00am when I walk into the store. I had parked almost five minutes ago but the parlor looks nothing like I expected so I texted Jisung to double-check before carefully maneuvering the door open. I had a hot cafe au lait with an extra shot of expresso and a London fog in my hands.

The words "Acrylic and Ink" looked like graffiti over the door of a small one-story house. A big bay window had been what finally forced me off the porch, seeing the tattoo photos on the wall across from it. 

Now that I am through the purple door, which was also pretty shocking, I can smell paint. Why would a tattoo parlor smell like paint? It's not the kind you paint walls with but the other stuff, what is it called again. The wall covered in tattoo designs is an emerald green and has a yellow couch against it. Color has no concept here. The bay window allows the room to be filled with sunlight, too much compared to my windowless studio. I feel the urge to back away from the light, but a wooden desk fills the other end of the room.

I spot some brown hair peaking up from behind the standing height desk and sigh. Jisung forgot to mention I had to socialize here.

"Chan?" A voice calls out.

Saved by the bell, I think to myself as I turn back towards the green wall. In the doorway directly across from me is a blonde haired man with a big smile. 

"That's me," I say quietly.

The man smiles even wider and steps forward. Fuck, he has freckles. "Hi! I am Felix, I was worried you might have gotten lost or that Jeongin was too absorbed in his own world to greet you."

"Jeongin?" I ask him. I can't help but let myself check him out. I may need to socialize more often. He is wearing a grey tank top and a black oversized jacket over it with black sweatpants. Also, like four different necklaces that all go to chest level, because apparently the universe hates me. Or maybe it likes me.

Felix laughs. "Jeongin, the kids behind the counter who has earbuds shoved in his ears so he doesn't have to DO HIS JOB!" Felix's voice rises at the end, the man walking over to wave his hand in front of Jeongin's face.

Said kid immediately removes a black earbud from one ear and smiles sheepishly. "Hey, hyung, I meant to come grab you cause your client is here."

"Really?" Felix asks, his tone full of a smile. Producing music for years means I can hear the smile.

"Yeah, crazy right?" Jeongin says confidently.

Felix shakes his head before playfully flicking Jeongin's forehead. "Super helpful, why are we paying you again?"

"Cause you love me!" 

"Seems like a really expensive way to show my love, would you settle for just a hug occasionally instead of a salary?" Felix says while walking towards the hallway backwards. He motions for me to follow him with a smile and a nod of his head. 

Jeongin shouts after us, "Hyung!"

"He usually has class in the mornings so I am just thankful he isn't asleep," Felix says from ahead of me. His hands rest in his pockets and his straight blond hair reaches his shoulders. 

Why am I paying attention to that?

Right, it's ten in the morning, I just need more caffeine.

Felix walks past an open doorway before turning and gesturing for me to head in first. The smell of paint is stronger back here, it's acrylic if I had to guess. "This is my studio, you can just take a seat on the bed and I will get those designs out for you."

I follow his instructions, careful to not spill the drinks in my hand. "Here is that london fog for you," I tell him, extending the full cup of tea in his direction as he walks past me.

"Oh, thank you!" Felix's eyes widen as he accepts the paper cup, allowing me to see his hands, long fingers covered in paint. He automatically takes the lid off and takes a deep breath. "You really didn't have to get this for me," he whispers right before taking a sip.

"No biggie." I force my eyes away from him, trying to look around the studio we are in. The walls are neutral color but covered in artwork. Not just tattoo designs, but also paintings and drawings. Felix is leaning against a large white desk that is cluttered with different packaged objects. There is a cup full of paintbrushes and another full of pencils. The cup holding pencils says 'you are my sunshine' in yellow lettering. I can see the tattoo gun, somehow it is also yellow and has glittery tape around the grip. 

Felix grabs my attention once more, now with paper in his hands. "Here are the three designs I thought of. All of them are black ink only to match the rest of yours. I have one that will highlight the scar, almost using it in the design but the other two will cover it up."

I take the paper from him with my free hand. The first thing on the page is a music chord, notes surrounding it but not on it, like then music is leaving the frame. Felix's sketch has my scar as the lines, the long jagged raised skin acting as the lines. It is beautiful but I can't imagine staring at this scar for the rest of my life. The second drawing is of trees, all evergreen, growing up at different heights. I don't hate it but it is nothing compared to the third drawing.

It's a band, the pattern reminding me of the aboriginal patterns in Australia. Starting with a thick band of black that turns into triangles outlined in dots. Then a wavy line of solid black with dots of empty space in the middle, ending with a layer of double circles. 

My fingers trace the lines carefully. "This one is beautiful."

"I saw that you had an outline of Australia on your upper arm and it made me think of home. I grew up in Australia, so this is a lot like the drawings I did when I was younger, I was thinking it could wrap around your whole wrist like a bracelet almost," Felix explains. 

I look up at him, shocked. "You grew up in Australia?"

"I thought my accent would give me away, I only moved here for college around five years ago so my Korean is a bit messy," Felix says with a shy smile.  

Now that he mentions it, I can hear the distinct slow quality of his words. I switch to English when I say, "I grew up in Australia, too. I got offered a job at a production company here when I was eighteen and my grandma lived nearby so I jumped at the chance."

Felix's face lights up, speaking in English as well. "I got a scholarship for art school, my parents work in Sydney so I was born there but apparently having dual citizenship made me a really interesting applicant."

"What made you switch to tattoos?" I can't stop myself from asking. Felix looks nothing like tattoo artists I have met in the past. His hands and neck are clear skin, no ink to be seen. His hair is wispy and long, so pretty as it frames his face. And he has paintings in his studio and paint on his hands.

Felix shrugs, moving towards the sink in the corner of the room. "I love art, my painting skills are so-so but I was amazing at line work. My first year at university, one of my professors told me he loved my drawings and asked if I would design a tattoo for him. So I did. He paid me a bit, not much, but other people started asking that I design their tattoos as well. After about five, I got curious and now I am here."

I hum, taking a drink from my coffee, the liquid now lukewarm. The sound of water running hits my ears as Felix washes his hands. "Why do you have paint on your hands?"

Felix laughs before responding, "Oh that, my best friend slash business partner Hyunjin is a painter. He does piercings and designs as well but mostly he paints and sells them in a gallery at the back of the house. He has this giant canvas that is covered in wet paint and decided he wanted to move the damn thing, I had to go help him because otherwise he would have ruined it."

"That is why it smells like paint," I comment to myself.

Felix turns to me, lips parted slightly and eyes wide. "You can smell it?"

"Well yeah."

Felix shakes his head and turns the sink off, wiping his hands off on his jacket. "Sorry, most people can't smell stuff like that unless they are in the room. I can light a candle if it bothers you? I have different ones cause clients sometimes need something to focus on other than the pain."

I take a breath in, the paint has a sharp hint to it. It's not unpleasant, just out of place in a tattoo parlor. "No it's fine, I just wasn't expecting paint in a tattoo place."

"Well, we aren't exactly a traditional tattoo place," Felix says with a smile. "So, the third tattoo?"

I nod as he takes the paper from me and heads towards an open laptop. 

"Cool, I just need to print out the stencil, I will only be able to do about half of it today and you will have to come back in a few weeks if that's okay?" He asks. Felix is opening the design up on his computer and a printer next to it whirs to life in response to him pressing something. I can't see what he is doing but I see the printer start to push a sheet of paper through, making the stencil I assume.

"That is fine," I tell him. I force myself to drink more of my coffee, I probably will need the caffeine very soon.

Felix grabs the thin sheet of white paper from the printer and turns to me, grabbing a bottle as he moves to stand right in front of me. 

"This gel is going to feel cold," he tells me. The paper gets set down next to me and he twists the lid of the bottle. "Can I have your wrist?" he asks and I extend it towards him, palm up. He pours the clear liquid onto my wrist, cold and gelly-like. Felix goes to spread it out with his fingers but halts, saying, "Hold it right there, I need to grab my gloves."

I just stare at the gel on top of my scars. The lines from road burn. An accident on my motorcycle from almost four years ago, the crash left my entire arm covered in gashes and bruises, but my wrist had the skin ripped off. I hadn't been able to use it for months. Along with the road-burn, I had broken a bone, so they wrapped it up in a hard cast. Not being able to treat the open wound regularly meant having to keep the scars forever. The reminder of when I couldn't play music for almost a year. 

I had lost it without music. Now everytime I see my wrist, I remember how helpless and useless I was then.

"Here we go," Felix says and his fingers enter my line of sight, now covered in a purple plastic glove. "Latex free gloves, just in case," he says.

I look up. Felix is focused on my wrist, and he has...he has freckles. The little dots cover his face. How did I miss them? 

His eyes meet mine. "I am going to place the stencil okay? We can change it or move it easily."

"Right," I whisper. I can't help but think about how close we are now. Paying zero attention as Felix places the white paper on my wrist and rubs over it. 

As he peels it off he says, "Here we go, what do you think?"

I look down. Now my scars are covered in a purple ink, the pattern reminding me of festivals back home. "Great."

"Perfect! I am gonna get my tattoo gun set up and we can start in a few minutes okay?" Felix asks kindly. I just nod. 

I find myself watching as he pulls a box full of individually packaged needles out of a drawer and pulls on out. He sets it beside the yellow tattoo gun and grabs a different black bottle as well as a sunflower dish. He pours black ink into the sunflower, one petal filling up with the ink. Felix takes a drink from his tea as he grabs a rolling stool and pulls it towards me. He puts a second glove on and grabs a clip off the desk. It is silver and he runs it through his hair, before clipping it in place at the back of his head to hold the hair back. I notice how he is careful to not touch his hair with his gloved hands. 

"Music preferences?" Felix asks me. I just shake my head, a silence falling over me as I prepare for the burning sensation of the tattoo gun.

Felix smiles at me again and moves a cushioned table over as well. He pulls his phone out and clicks a few buttons before the room is filled with the sound of music. The song is What A Girl Wants, old and nostalgic. I hum along to the first notes.

"I am going to prop the bed up into a sitting position so you can sit back and then I will get started," Felix narrates himself. He goes to my right and reaches under the black pleather surface. Something makes a click sound and then the bed begins to fold.  

Felix puts it up until it is at an angle and pats the back. I nod and sit, saying, "Like this?"

"Perfect, now put your wrist here." Felix adjusts the cushioned table next to me, making it go up higher.

"Okay," I mumble. 

Another silver table appears next to the one where my wrist is, on it is the sunflower dish and the tattoo gun. Felix sits down and adjusts evertything.

He looks up at me again, smiling wide. "I am gonna get started okay? We can take breaks, as many as you want. If you ever feel uncomfortable or need to fidget just let me know. All ready?"

"I am ready," I say. 

Then he clicks the tattoo gun.

The faint bbbbrrrrrrrr sound comes to my ears and I relax.

Felix's hand smooths over my wrist, his free hand anchoring my wrist as his right hand holds the tattoo gun. I watch the ink get sucked up by the vibrating motion of the needle. The clear tip turning black as the silver needle continues to move.

Felix positions it right above my wrist. "Ready?" he asks.

I nod, fascinated by how the needle disappears into my skin. I feel myself torn between watching the needle and closing my eyes to focus on the feeling.

I have never been able to describe how to feels properly. Changbin and Jisung have asked. The first tattoo I got was just a burning sensation, the outline of Austrlia that ihas since become hidden in a swirling pattern around my bicep. After that, they all felt like a sharp burn. As I sit there, as the needle goes in and out of my skin depositing ink, I can feel that sharp pain spreading through my body. 

Felix's gentle touch is a juxtaposition to the feeling of the gun. He always brushes over my wrist when going to get more ink, usually using a damp paper towel to clean up the extra ink. When the needle hits the edge of my first scar I tense and Felix pulls back.

"Do you need a break?" he asks politely. I meet his gaze and shake my head, watching his face this time. Instead of the needle going into my skin, I see blond hair falling in front of Felix's face. His freckles covering his tanned skin. When he is looking down at my wrist I can see one right next to the corner of his left eye, it's so beautiful.

He glances up at me occasionally. As the black ink spreads across my wrist and my skin becomes pink in irritation.

I just try to focus on the feeling. It never lasts long enough.

Today is no different, because soon enough Felix is turning his gun off and wiping my wrist with yet another damp paper towel.

"That is it for today, should be pretty irritated for a few days," Felix says, turning to grab a pink jar and a white square off his desk. He twists open the lid of the jar, scooping out some lotion and gently rubbing it into my wrist. "You know the rules I am guessing?"

"Yeah, no sun or rubbing it, keep it protected for the first few hours and moisturize it twice a day for a few weeks," I repeat the instructions I always get with a new tattoo.

Felix hums and nods. "Plus, try not to sweat too much, meaning no heavy workouts for the next two weeks, since it's on your wrist you can get away with more but you need to be careful because infection is a real risk."

I nod. "And I should come back?"

"In about 2 weeks so I can do the other side of your wrist, what do you think?" Felix maneuvers my wrist to check his work. The design looks amazing, clean black lines on my wrist, I can still see bits of my scar but not enough that it bothers me.

"It looks awesome," I tell him. He smiles to himself, his eyes lighting up with pride.

Felix grabs the white square and peels off the paper layer, pressing a clear plastic to my wrist. "This is called a 'second skin' cover, it will bubble up around the tattoo and collect any runoff ink. I suggest leaving it on for about twenty-four hours but it will be safe to remove after just three if you really want to," Felix explains as he peels another layer off the top, making the plastic morph into the shape of my wrist.

I nod. "Thanks"

"All good to go! Just text me about the follow-up appointment when you get the chance and thank you for the tea," Felix says with a blinding smile. I stare at how the path of his freckles moves when he smiles. "Anything else I can do for you today?" he asks hesitantly when I forget to speak or move.

I have to force myself to do something. "No, I am fine," I say. "Just waking up still, it's early."

"It's eleven thirty," Felix laughs.

"Yeah, early, like I said," I mumble. I collect the last of my coffee, now cold in the paper cup and probably disgusting, but still caffeinated and therefore worth drinking. 

"Well I hope you wake up soon," Felix teases as I stand. 

I just smile at him, not knowing what to say as I exit the room. The smell of paint is once again noticeable, stronger now that I am closer to the studio Felix had mentioned. I walk towards the front door, my eyes anchored on the new ink on my wrist. I am always fascinated by new tattoos, how they look on my skin and how long it takes before I am used to seeing them there. 

Felix follows after me apparently because the mop of brow hair shoots up once again when I enter the front room. "Hey Felix, I was just working on a sketch for a client."

"Mhm," Felix hums from behind me, quickly maneuvering himself around my frozen form to behind the desk. He pushes the boy aside, I have forgotten his name already. Felix looks up at me, saying, "You can pay today or we can wait until your next appointment."

Right, payment. My free hand goes to my back pocket, pulling the old brown leather wallet out. "Sorry, I forgot," I mumble. 

Felix waves a hand. "No big deal, like I said, we can just wait till next time."

I arch an eyebrow. "And if I chose not to come back?"

"Then I don't get paid," he says, his tone even and his face still a kind smile.

In contrast, the boy next to him opens his mouth wide and rises both of his eyebrows. "No! You have to pay please or he won't pay me and I need money to live okay, this is a capitalist society and I require food and water and electricity to survive, it's almost winter which means I will have heating bills ple-"

"Jeongin," Felix shouts, bringing the seemingly endless stream of words to a halt.

I just shake my head and set my coffee down. "I can pay today, I have no idea when I will be able to come back in because my schedule is..."

"Jisung mentioned it can be erratic in the music production industry."

"You work with Jisung-hyung?" Jeongin asks me with wide eyes.

"Yes," I confirm as I pull out a faded card and hand it to Felix.

Jeongin sighs and his eyelids flutter closed. "Jisung-hyung is so pretty."

I realize that this kid has a crush on Jisung. Laughing, I tell him, "He has a boyfriend, who gets very possessive."

Jeongin straightens up and nods his head in a jerky manner. "Changbin-hyung, I know he is-"

"Before Jeongin can start slobbering over your friends, here is your card back," Felix says and offers me back the plastic rectangle. "You should run before he starts to lament on their hands, trust me."

I take Felix's word for it. "Goodbye, I'll tell Jisung and Changbin you say hi."

As I exit the door I hear Jeongin squeal something along the lines of 'did you hear that hyung?' 

My bike is right in front of the store, the good thing about motorcycles is they fit in even the smallest of spaces so I can always find parking. I glance at my freshly inked wrist again, a new coat of paint and some new covers made my bike brand new, so ink should make me the same right? I hope so.

I pop open the back compartment with the buffered cup holders, two to be exact. I have only ever used one at a time until this morning. Once my coffee is settled inside and the lid has been clicked back into place, I grab the black helmet off the seat, for some reason my eyes go to the compartment that holds my extra helmet. It's smaller and less protective. If I were to give someone a ride I would probably take the extra helmet and give them mine. 

At that thought my mind betrays me. I can imagine Felix holding my helmet in his tan, paint-specked hands. I can see him flipping the visor up so his eyes and freckles are on display.

I shake my head and shove the helmet on. Why would I think that?

As I straddle the bike and rev it on, another thought comes to me. Looking down I wonder what it would feel like to see Felix's hands wrapped around my waist, little bits of paint and stains from the ink on his fingers. Maybe Jeongin was right to obsess over hands, because the image makes me squeeze my eyes shut. 

Part of me is horrified that I seem to be enamoured with a stranger.

But another part of me, the part that writes music and that withered away when I was in a cast, flares to life. The part of me that was hiding just yesterday, when I was struggling to write.

I have a feeling that I could write today.

"Chan!" I hear over the roar of my bike. I look up to see Felix standing right in front of it, the real Felix not the one my mind had created.

He waves and I flip my visor up. I ask, "Is everything okay?"

Felix nods. "Yes, I just forgot that Jisung told me to tell you something. He said to tell you the passcode to your studio once we finished the appointment."

I pause, waiting for him to speak. When he just stands there smiling at me I feel myself sigh. "So what is the password?"

Felix's face lights up. "That's the best part, he let me pick!"

"And it is?" I ask slowly. I have a feeling the answer will only make my inner turmoil worse.

Felix's grin is the only confirmation I need. "It's sunflowers."

I try to stop myself from smiling but I can't seem to. I settle for shaking my head in what I hope is a disapproving way and saying, "Wonderful." Then I flip my visor down and do a fake salute in his direction.

Felix steps backward onto the side walk as I back out of the space, my feet leaving the ground but my eyes remaining on him far longer than safe.

Shit, I need to get to my studio.

I know the lyrics now.

You can find all my other things here!

[thesugarhole]

i always knew from first hand experience and interest in the welcome to the game games that adam was a giant asshole. i dont know if he actually has issues or not (it would unfortunately prove the righteous types of online people that these types of ""disturbed"" games cant be made by ""normal"" people) but im making it explicit now that if he has its not relevant in the slightest to the fact that he is like, just a douche. leagues different from yandev my favorite dev case study sure, but at the same time not that far off (im always saying well at least adam has finished games, then i remember the perpetual limbo of his magnum opus rides with strangers, again not too dissimilar to yansim)

you know, typical douchery like trump hat on twitter, hahaha they hate me cause im trolling im real i dont protect the snowflakes and i dont make easy games if you want easy mode youre getting a pile of shit as an ending (not a direct quote!! its been years!!! i dont remember what he said!! only the vibe of it remained)

i also knew he had a "troll update" to wttg2, but afaik i honest to god thought it was twitch integration and nothing more. at the time i didnt know said integration had mandatory 'ask first' rule, and the troll update was enabled by default.

i recently got a video suggested to me about a guy analyzing if markipliers runs of the game were influenced by adam to be doomed to failure, then talk about what adams update was, then say 'fools! this was the gateway example to talk about the ethics of including such things in games!' which ill admit wasnt really what i clicked the video for but interesting topic nonetheless given what the troll update actually was... a backdoor to edit the game as he saw fit if he felt like it.

THEN i learned he bricked the game of a streamer that had given him copious exposure before because someone asked the streamer what he thought of adam and, like literally everyone else on the planet, the answer was "an asshole".

'im not an asshole! ill prove it by destroying your game in real time! im not an asshole! im not an asshole!' adam shouts as he turns into a pancake

man i dunno. im surprised at mylsef for being surprised hed put a backdoor in the games, given its very inline with both the games subjects and who he is as a person. i was not suprised he used it as petty revenge elon musk style. and im still thinking about the video so thats something. he said he took it out eventually but that was definitely the straw on the camels back for me in terms of ever getting the games to play myself. a true shame, its the type of dumb frustrating fun i tend to enjoy.

as a last somewhat unrelated note adam placing himself as the evil mastermind antagonist in these games that cant be defeated no matter what is also a significant tell of what his personality is like. why not be like sr pelo he got stabbed mid public toilet shit by the villain of the year in last years spooky monthfhhggffdspo sorry.

oh heres the video if theres interest in the contents. i didnt comment on the ethics part of it because i dont have enough experience with it to have a hard stance, but doing such things just to destroy an individual copy of a game over a not very nice comment is a very obvious 'yea dont do that' example.

heres the video heavily referenced in the previous one where the game bricking happens