#is he a 'actually ive decided god is fine with it' christian

[trillgutterbug]

i wonder if mac goes to confession more or less now that he's out

[snekdood]

the problem with vaush’s anti theist argument is he assumes that people just blindly follow whatever a book or religious leader tells us the gods want rather than ever thinking on our own also he’s heavily relying on an argument that religious ppl think their gods word isn’t anything you can go against ever so if they tell you to rape and murder people then its fine to do so but like.... i really dont think any religious person is like this?????? i dont even think rapey serial killer religious people are like this??? like religion is always a front or a justification for their actions i dont think they genuinely believe god came down and told them it was fine i think they know they twisted what they heard/read to their benefit. the problem is with manipulative ppl who are able to take leadership of some sort over a group of people and twist the narrative to their benefit for whatever they’re gathering for, which can obviously happen in literally any kind of setting

[deanstop13billyjoeltraxx]

Superposition

a deancas college roommates AU

Dean Winchester had it all at Wichita State University — a second chance, a future devoid of his father, and a roommate-turned-best friend who understands him inside and out.

But his father dies, he fails out in his second semester, and Castiel Novak leaves without so much as a goodbye.

Three years later, Dean has picked up the pieces. He works at the most trusted auto-shop in Lawrence, he’s putting Sam through college. Dean thinks it can’t get much better than that.

Then Castiel Novak gives him a concussion, and everything falls apart. Again.

Chapter 2 is up on AO3 (and below the cut)! Tumblr chapter masterlist here.

Classic Rock and Other Foreign Concepts

Three Years Earlier

Castiel Novak was ready for his second chance. 

Sure, the name “Wichita State University” held no cache, and sure, it was only two hours away from home. But it was a full ride, it was free of old high school acquaintances. It was enough. 

Castiel stood at the door of his empty dorm room, hope blooming in his chest as he regarded the dingy bunks and linoleum floors. 

He didn’t have much in the way of belongings, so moving in was quick and easy, even by himself. Castiel made his bed, hung up his limited outfits in the dresser, and filled his desk with his books and paper. Only one thing remained in his suitcase — a picture of his family, two Christmases ago. Castiel took it out and looked at it for a moment, before deciding to place it on his desk. 

He decided it might be a good idea to familiarize himself with his new surroundings. That was sure to calm down the inevitable anxiety that his first trip to the showers would bring. Castiel strolled down the hallway, doing his best to stay out of the way of all of the other freshmen moving in on his floor. 

After successfully discovering the bathroom and the water fountain, as well as narrowly avoiding an awkward encounter with two giggling girls who were apparently intent upon introducing themselves to him, he returned to his room with a sigh.

Castiel moved to his desk and opened his computer. He pulled up his course schedule, reviewing it again, despite having already committed it to memory. Tuesdays and Thursdays would be difficult, he thought, with financial accounting, economics, and an intro to business. The other days were more interesting, holding philosophy, creative writing, and nineteenth century British literature. 

Castiel was about to read the class descriptions for the millionth time when a loud thud and a grunt interrupted his thoughts. He stood up, fast, almost knocking his head on the bottom of his bed. Castiel got to his open door just in time to almost run into someone. 

“Shit! Watch it, man!”

Castiel found himself face to face with… Plastic storage bins. The man holding them shifted to reveal a mild scowl. Castiel cleared out of his way, and the man set the three boxes down. 

“Sorry,” Castiel muttered. 

“You’re fine,” the man grumbled. “Sorry, long drive.”

“Dean Winchester, I presume?” Castiel said, cautiously. He had seen his roommate assignment online weeks earlier.

“Damn straight,” Dean said, and he offered a hand out to Castiel, who accepted it graciously. “Sorry, man, I’m terrible with names. Have we met?” 

“I’m Castiel Novak,” Castiel replied, then added, “We haven’t met, but the website informed me of your name and email address. I emailed you a few weeks back.” 

Dean nodded. “I definitely didn’t respond. Sorry ‘bout that, I kind of haven’t had access to the internet in… Well, it’s a long story. Anyway, good to meet you.” 

“You as well. Do you need any help unpacking?” 

“Least you can do after nearly killing me.” Castiel tensed, but then Dean clapped him on the back. “Kidding. Help would be great.”

Castiel moved to unpack the box nearest him, but Dean stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“No! Uh, not that one. No offense, but that’s the most important thing I own. Give me a second, you can start on this one.” 

Castiel tilted his head in inquisition, but Dean said nothing more, just got to unpacking the bin. Castiel set to work on the second of the three, first grabbing the sheets to make the bed. 

When Castiel had finished with Dean’s bed, he turned to see Dean had set up a record player and a pair of bookshelf speakers on the floor. 

“Behold,” Dean announced. “My prized possession.” 

“A record player?” Castiel asked. 

“Not just the record player,” Dean said. He went back to the box, which Castiel could now see was filled with vinyl LPs. “The whole collection.”

“It’s quite impressive.”

“Fuckin’ A-right,” Dean said. “Here, you like Zeppelin?” 

“Embarrassingly, I have no idea who that is,” Castiel said, blushing.

Dean’s eyes widened. “Dude! No way! Oh man, it’s time to educate you. How have you survived this long Zeppelin-less?” 

“My father was strict about music.” Castiel felt suddenly very nervous that this, combined with his near-toppling of Dean moments earlier, would have him solidly fixed on Dean’s bad side. But Dean was flipping through his records with animation, as if Castiel’s ignorance was a game to be won. 

“That’s utter bullshit,” Dean declared. “Here, listen to this.”

Dean put on Led Zeppelin IV. Castiel turned back to the plastic bins, intent upon doing something while the record played. He was quiet as he worked, setting up first an ancient-looking coffee maker, then a small, LCD monitor. Dean unpacked his clothes, quietly singing along to the music.

“Do you need help with the rest?” Castiel asked when they had finished, assuming there had to be more than just those three boxes. Dean chuckled quietly. 

“Nah, this is it. Thanks for the help, Castiel.” 

Castiel raised an eyebrow, but only said, “You’re welcome.” Dean had brought even less than he had. 

“That’s a weird name, by the way,” Dean said, turning the volume down on the speakers. “Castiel. It sounds kind of --” 

“Ancient?” Castiel supplied, and Dean nodded. “That’s because it is. It’s adapted from the name of an angel in the third book of Enoch.” At Dean’s blank look, Castiel added, “Christian apocryphal lore. My parents are very religious.” 

“Ah,” Dean said. “And you…?”

“Haven’t been to church since I was fourteen,” Castiel finished. “We are very different, my family and I.” 

Dean nodded. “That them?” He asked, pointing at the picture on Castiel’s desk. 

“Yes,” Castiel said. 

“That’s a lot of kids.” 

“Yes, there’s five of us.” 

“Road trips must have been fun,” Dean said.

This actually got a laugh out of Castiel. 

“I’ve only got one. My kid brother, Sam,” Dean said.

“How old is Sam?”

“God.” Dean rubbed his face, considering. “I guess he’s fourteen now. It’s weird — I feel like I can never see him as any older than, like, eight.”

“I can’t say I understand,” Castiel replied. “I’m the youngest.” 

“Damn, that must suck, four older siblings. What’re their names?”

Castiel picked up the picture. “The boy on the left — he’s the oldest — that’s Gabriel. The other is Bartholomew. The redhead is Anna. And then there’s Hannah, she’s just a couple years older than me.” 

Dean nodded, moving to his record player. He pulled a small, worn piece of paper from the inside. 

“This is old as hell,” he said, showing Castiel the picture, “but that’s my dad, and that’s Sam when he was… ten, maybe?” 

“It’s just the three of you?”

“Yeah, my mom died when I was, like, four.”

“I apologize, I didn’t mean to --” 

“No worries, man,” Dean said. “Long time ago.”

There was an awkward pause that made Castiel want to open his computer just to look preoccupied, but Dean spoke. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t get over this name stuff. I can’t be roommates with a dude named after an angel.” 

Castiel felt his entire body deflate. Day one, and just his name was already making things difficult. “I’m… Sure there’s a way to switch roommates. But, what’s wrong with being named after an angel?”

“Dude, I was totally joking,” Dean said, putting his hands up defensively. “I’m not switching roommates — unless you’re secretly a vampire or something.” Castiel smiled at that. “And there’s nothing wrong with it, I’m just not into the whole religion thing. Makes me feel weird. Nah, I’ll just have to call you something else. Any suggestions?” 

“I’ve always just been ‘Castiel.’” 

“Man, haven’t had many creative friends,” Dean said. “Cas it is, then.” 

“Cas?” Castiel replied. He considered the new nickname. Castiel actually found it strange that no one had ever thought of it before, now that he had heard it. “I suppose it is a great deal shorter.”

“Easier to say, too,” Dean said. “It fits.”

Castiel smiled tentatively. “Sure.” 

The music faded, and Dean flipped the record to the B-side. 

“What do you think so far?” He asked. 

“It’s certainly different than what I’m used to. In a good way,” Castiel added. 

Dean beamed at him. “Awesome. I have more in here, too, and it’s not just Zep. Mostly the classics — the Stones, Rush, AC/DC… And a shit load of grunge, too. Man, wait til you hear Alice in Chains…” 

Castiel smiled at his animation. “Music is important to you?” 

“Dude, I couldn’t function without music. I feel like every time I listen to a song I like, I find something new that makes it even better.” Dean chuckled to himself. “Sorry, I’m geeking out about classic rock.”

“I don’t mind,” Castiel said, and he found that it was true. “I feel similarly about books.” 

“You like to read?”

“Immensely.” 

“You’ll have to give me some recommendations. I read Vonnegut in high school, and that was cool, but other than that and Harry Potter I think I’m pretty hopeless.”

“I will,” Castiel said, even though he knew he wouldn’t, even though he knew Dean was simply saying the polite thing. He had learned by now that when people asked about him to talk about the things he liked, they were just being nice. 

Dean asked Castiel which end of the hall the bathrooms were on, and excused himself.

When he returned, Dean clapped his hands together. “So,” he said. “I gotta ask you the Freshman Questions.” At Castiel’s confused look, he elaborated: “You know, the two things you ask everyone for your whole freshman year. Where are you from, what are you majoring in?” 

Castiel nodded. “I see. I didn’t know there was a procedure.” 

Dean looked at him for a moment. “It’s not — I was kinda joking.” 

“Oh. Right,” Castiel said, rubbing his neck. “Well, I’m from Guthrie — it’s a small town in Oklahoma, just a few hours south of here. And I’m studying accounting and creative writing.” 

“Guthrie… I’ve driven through there, on our way to Oklahoma City for a job my dad worked once,” Dean said. 

“It’s not very impressive.” 

Dean laughed. “Nah, not really.” 

“What about you, Dean?”

“I’m from Lawrence — it’s northeast of here. And I have no fucking idea what I’m gonna major in,” he said. “I’m not really… Well, Sam is the smart one. That kid is gonna kick ass when he goes to school. I’m kinda just here to…” Dean trailed off. 

“Experience it?” Castiel suggested. Dean shrugged. 

“Yeah, I guess.” He cleared his throat. “Why accounting? I get the writing thing, you said you like books — but accounting? I feel like those two don’t mix.”

“They don’t,” Castiel agreed. “But I don’t want to be a starving author. I do want to be able to take care of myself.” I want to be far, far away from everything I’ve ever known. I want to leave and never look back.

“Fair,” Dean said. “I don’t know about you, Cas, but I’m starving. Wanna grab some dinner?” 

“Sure,” Castiel said with a smile.

 The next day, in his first creative writing class, the professor asked each of them to share their major, their hometown, and a fun fact. He called, “Novak, Castiel?” 

“Double major in accounting and writing. I’m from Guthrie, Oklahoma. I suppose a fun fact is that I’m named after an angel, but you can just call me Cas.” 

[khiphop-stories]

Getting Off The Wrong Foot

[Christian Yu | Chapter VI]

Previous Chapters: Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V

The following week passed by quickly. You had meetings back to back and you were drowning in all the paper work that you tried to put off as long as possible. You didn’t have the time to catch up with any of your friends. The only people you interacted with were your team and potential clients. You didn’t meet Christian that week either, but you texted a lot and he had been nothing but sweet. His week was just as busy and hectic as your own, nonetheless he always found time to reply. It was nice, not being left on read for a change. 

You headed into the interview and photo shoot, which took place on the same day, without much preparation. You didn’t even have time to go through the questions they had sent you, because every time you got home you were so worn out, you just went straight to bed. As you were standing there watching the staff members set up the props for the shoot, you felt incredibly nervous. It was the first time you would actually be standing in front of the camera as a model. Closing your eyelids, you tried to remember the tips Christian had given you the night before when he called you.

~*~

To your surprise, the shooting with Vogue finished earlier than you had expected. The interview also went by quickly. The journalist seemed to satisfied with most of your answers and you laughed a lot together. She did try to pry into your private life though, which really took you off guard. She must have heard about the rumors surrounding your ex boyfriend. And that was the moment when things went south. 

You weren’t trained for situations like this, you didn’t have a publicist, so your reaction must have given it away and confirmed all the rumors that were taking their rounds. However, she promised you not to use any of that, since the story she wanted to write was about a self-made woman who found success in a male dominated industry, not about woman with a messy love life. 

You were incredibly tired, but you decided to visit the set of DPR’s shooting nonetheless. Christian had been bugging you the last few days, trying to persuade you to drop by. Usually you wouldn’t miss a day of shooting, but your schedule was especially tight this week and you just wanted a little break.

“You didn’t have to doll yourself up for me,“ Christian remarked with a smirk as he saw your fully made face. You caught him eyeing you up and down like he did every time you met him, something you somehow you got so used to, his staring didn’t even bother you that much any more. 

“I came straight from the shoot, didn’t have time to remove the make up,” you rolled your eyes at him a gentle smile played on your lips. “Wanted to see me that badly, yeah?“ He began teasing you again, his eyes lingering on you. He leaned back against the table, his hands supporting his weight on either side, resting in a comfortable position. “You have a talent for making everything about you.“

“You flatter me,” a sly smirk covered the bottom half of his handsome face. “How did it go?” “I’m more used to being behind the camera. But hey, I got over it,” you shrugged your shoulders. You couldn’t asses whether you did a good job or not. You felt awkward throughout the entire shoot, but the staff seemed to be satisfied with the outcome. You didn’t have the time to go through the pictures yourself, as you rushed to the filming site for the project with Nike.

 “The shooting ended early so it must have been good.” 

“Or I sucked so much they gave up on me,” you said playfully.

Christian shook his head at you as he chuckled lightly. “Ay, what’s up with that negativity? I bet you did just fine. You have a pretty face, it’s hard to make that look bad.” “Real smooth,” you rolled your eyes. He was a pure flirt and he really didn’t miss even one opportunity to let his coquette self shine. Whether it was genuine or not, receiving so many compliments did make you feel good. 

“What about the interview?”

“Oh god, don’t even start with that,” you let out a deep sigh as he reminded you of the mess you were trying to forget. “They asked about Kiseok and I was frozen like a fool,” you let out a deep sigh.

“Kiseok?” Christian cocked up one of his brows.

“Yeah, Jung Kiseok,” you shrugged your shoulders nonchalantly, surprised by his own surprised reaction.

“You mean Simon D?”

“Yeah,” You blinked at him confused. You didn’t understand why he was so stunned upon hearing that name.

“Why would they ask about him?”

“Are you serious right now?” You looked at him dumbfounded, a chuckle leaving your lips in disbelief. “He’s my ex,” you stated as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Well, it somehow was. It wasn’t that much of a secret. You didn’t go public with the relationship, but most of his fans and people working in the industry knew anyway. You had assumed he knew too, just like everyone else.

“Wait…you dated Simon D?” He eyes widened at you as he gave you a look full of disbelief. “You didn’t know?” His surprised expression was reflected on your own face. How could he not have heard the rumors? Was he living under a rock? “No! How would I know? You never mentioned his name.”

“I didn’t think I had to. Everybody knows.”

“Obviously not,” he corrected you with a light chuckle.

“Well, now you do,” you shrugged your shoulders. “Why are you so surprised though? “No particular reason. It’s just…I had a meeting with him a couple days ago and now it turns out you know him too, well, actually you dated him. The world really is small.”

“You had a meeting with Kiseok?” You inquired as a frown covered your face. You didn’t have a good feeling, your gut was telling you that something wasn’t right. 

“Yeah, he wants to work on a music video together,” you could hear the excitement in his voice though he tried to hide it. But you couldn’t blame him, Simon D was a huge and he was well respected artist in the music industry. Almost every young rapper these days looked up to him. 

You stared at him silently, not saying anything as you were trying to make sense of this situation. Christian immediately noticed your hesitation and wariness.

“You don’t want me to work with him because of your history with him?” He asked carefully, his voice was gentle.

“No, it’s not like that…it’s just…I don’t think it is a coincidence,” you stuttered as you didn’t find the right words to say. You didn’t know how to explain your suspicion without sounding like a petty ex girlfriend. 

“That he wants to work with DPR? Not trying to be cocky, but I directed amazing music videos.” “No, that’s not what I mean, Christian. You’re talented, everybody knows that...but it’s Kiseok we’re talking about. Everything he does has an agenda.”

“What would he get out of this?” “I don’t know. But I know this is not a coincidence. And you’re not really his favourite person right now...” you pointed out the obvious.  “Because I slept with you?” Christian chuckled, brushing off your worries as though they were unreasonable. “How would he know that? I didn’t tell anyone and I believe you didn’t either. I know he’s a dick, but you might be a little bit paranoid.”

“It’s a small industry, Christian, there’s always gonna be rumors. And we fucked in an elevator. You really think words didn’t spread?”

“Look,” his expression softened at you, “if you don’t want me to work with him because of your history together, I understand and I won’t. I care about you. But you need to be honest with me.”

“It’s really not like that, Christian,” you tried to explain it to him, but he just didn’t seem to get it. “I’m not saying this out of pettiness. Believe me, I couldn’t care any less who you’re working with. I just don’t want you to be used for whatever sick agenda he has in mind.”

“So, you wouldn’t mind if I worked with him?” “Christian…you don’t understand,” you let out a frustrated sigh

“Minhee, I don’t see the correlation. Maybe you think this is about you, or maybe you want this to be about you, because you’re still in love with him,” you could see how he was regretting what he said, the moment those words left his mouth. But what was said, was said and couldn’t be taken back.

“That’s ridiculous,” you shook your head violently. 

“You told me you weren’t over him.” “I’m not denying that. We dated for a long time and getting over him is the hardest thing I ever had to do, but this is not about me. For fucks sake Christian, I just don’t want him to use someone who’s important to me,” you began to curse out of frustration. He had totally misunderstood you.

“I’m getting paid and I’m getting exposure, if anything I’m using him,” Christian shrugged his shoulders.

“Fine, do whatever you want,” you sighed in defeat, realising there was no use in talking with him. He was too stubborn.

“Are you mad at me now?” “No, I’m not. I just don’t want him to win and mess with you.”

“I can handle him. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Gosh, Christian, you’re really dense sometimes,” you rolled your eyes at him. He really didn’t want to understand.

“Promise, you’ll stay out of it and let me handle it?” “...fine, whatever.” You decided to drop this topic.

~*~

You entered AOMG’s office and it still felt weird having the receptionist greet you. They had moved into a new building for a couple months already, but you hadn’t spend a lot of time here. It was around the time Kiseok got really busy, at least that’s what he made you believe. Now you knew he was trying to avoid you because of his feelings of guilt. You missed the old office. You missed the time you spent there when everything was still rainbows and unicorns. 

You asked the receptionist about Jay’s whereabouts and she led you into one of their meeting rooms and told you to wait. You took a seat as you let your eyes wander around the interior curiously. Things had really changed. Back then you used to burst into their studio unannounced whenever you wanted. It didn’t matter what they were doing, they always welcomed you with open arms. 

“Hey,” Jay greeted excitedly, happy to see you again as he joined you in the meeting room. As soon as he saw you, a warm smile played on his lips. “You could have just come into the studio.” “Your receptionist brought me here.” “Ah! That’s Loco’s cousin. She’s new so she doesn’t know how things work around here. Actually we don’t really need a receptionist, but he asked me to employ her so she could pay off her tuition fees.”

As you listened to his story, your lips curved upwards in amazement. It was reassuring to know that while everything around you was changing, turning to the worse, Jay’s personality always remained the same. He was still the same humble guy you met a few years ago. They guy who tried his best to lift up the people around him.

For a while you even forgot why you came here in the first place, it was nice catching up with him. You forgot your anger and disappointment and for a brief moment everything seemed to be just fine. “How are you doing? I heard you’re really busy these days.”

“Ugh, I’m drowning in work. I still can’t understand how you’re able to manage two labels…but I’m not here to complain about work. I wanted to ask you something.” “Oh, here I thought you came to visit because you missed me,” Jay chuckled lightly, motioning you to go ahead. 

“Did you by chance tell Kiseok about Christian and me?” You asked him straight forward. Jay was someone you could be honest to, you didn't have to beat around the bush with him.

“Christian and you?” He cocked up one of his brows, his mouth turning grim. “Since when are you guys a “we” and “us”?”

“We’re not. You know what I mean,” you sighed out loud. You knew this conversation wouldn’t be easy, but Jay made it even more uncomfortable than it had to be.

“It was not a one time thing then?” “Jay, I didn’t come here for an interrogation. I just want to know if you told Kiseok.” Jay lowered his gaze, almost as though he felt ashamed. “I might have mentioned it…briefly”

“God, why did you do that?” You looked at him in disbelief, feeling betrayed by your own best friend. 

“I’m sorry, Min. It just slipped. It wasn’t my intention.”

“You said you wouldn’t pick a side, but to me it seems like you clearly did,” you pushed your chair behind and stood up, not wanting to prolong this conversation with him.

“I didn’t pick any side. The last thing I want, is to hurt you. You know Kiseok, he just got it out of me somehow.”

“Telling him is one thing, but hiring DPR for one of your projects? That’s just low. I mean I expected something like that from Kiseok, but I didn’t think you would facilitate that kind of childish behavior.” You shot him a disgusted glare. You just couldn’t believe that out of all people, Jay would betray you like that. It was so out of his character.

“Minhee, I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about right now,” Jay furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Kiseok hired DPR for his next music video. You’re the CEO, don’t tell me you didn’t know anything about that.”

Jay wasn’t the type of CEO that was up in the business of his employees. He would give them the creative freedom they needed and let his artists do whatever they wanted. He didn’t rush them to release music nor did he dictate what kind of music they had to make. However, if contracts were involved, Jay always had the last say.

“He did not. I’m sure of it. I just reviewed the contract we signed with JM Studios weeks ago.”

“What about the meeting with DPR?” “What meeting? I know nothing about that. I can ask around, but we never scheduled a meeting with DPR. I haven’t talked to them since Loco’s collaboration with Live.”

You stared at him dumbfounded, at loss for words since none of this made any sense. But there was only one possible explanation for this mess.

“Where is that son of a bitch?!”

~*~

You stormed into his studio, kicking the door open.

“Just what the fuck is wrong with you?” You shut the door close behind you with a loud bang as your eyes flickered at him lividly. 

Kiseok was sure surprised to see you, but he knew how to maintain his composure. He turned his chair around, blinking at you as innocently as ever. “What are you talking about?”

“Cut the bullshit, Kiseok! Why the hell would you have a meeting with DPR when you’ve already hired a different company for your fucking music video?”

“I had a meeting with them, because I’m interested in their work and wanted to keep my options open,” he shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. That smug smirk of his rubbing you in all the wrong places. “Why do you care?” He was taunting you with his eyes. It was a challenge. He wanted you to admit that you knew Christian in one way or the other. 

“Keeping your options open while you’ve already signed a deal? Stop bullshitting me. I’m sick of it! If you want to get back at me, that’s fine, but don’t drag in people that have nothing to do with this.” You raised your voice at him. You felt the anger boiling inside of you like a volcano that was about to erupt.  Fires of fury were smoldering in your eyes as your gaze pierced through him with so much hatred.

“What people?” He still pretended as though he didn’t know what you were talking about and it only worsened your anger. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t act so innocent,” you hissed at him sharply, your patience reaching its limit. “Do you mean Christian Yu?” You didn’t answer. You owed him nothing.  “So the rumours are true? You’re actually dating him?” “It doesn’t matter. I can’t believe you’re using your position to step on people. You used to take your job and your music seriously. But I guess now it’s just a medium for you to screw over people and get some kind of ego boost from it.” You wanted your words to hurt him like he did you. But not once did he lose his calm.

“You know he’s using you, right?“ “Maybe I’m letting him use me,” you retorted childishly. “You’re gonna get hurt.“ 

“In case you forgot, Kiseok, you were the one who hurt me.“

“Minhee, I made a mistake and I apologized over and over again. But you won’t even hear me out,” his voice softened so did the expression on his face. But it didn’t matter what he say, you wouldn’t believe him anyway. 

“You wanna talk about it? Ok, let’s talk about it. Was it good? Did she satisfy your needs? Was she better than me?” You tried to provoke him.

“That’s not fair.” “Kiseok, you fucked her. You did it multiple times. All the while you were pretending to be the oh so perfect boyfriend.”

“I didn’t do it, because I stopped loving you. I was stupid. I felt lonely. You were never there. We barely saw each other. I was craving intimacy and she just happened to be there,” he attempted to explain his behavior.

“So, it’s my fault now? It’s my fault that you went out and cheated on me instead of talking about the problems I didn’t even know we were having like grown ups do? You really wanna turn it around and blame it on me?” You stared at him in disbelief. Out of all things he had said this felt like a slap across your face. All the sacrifices you had made for him, they were all for nothing. They meant nothing at all.

“No, it’s not your fault. I screwed up. I made a mistake and I’m owning up to it, but I never stopped loving you.You were always the one. I just…I felt incredibly lonely. And it just felt like I was putting more into this relationship than you were.”

“In what world? You know I would have done anything for you!“ You shouted at him. Your anger taking control of you. You had sacrificed so much for this relationship. You had put his needs over yours, again and again to the point you closest friends described you as a fool. Because there was not a single thing in the world that you wouldn’t have done for him. You had put so much effort and energy it in and it appeared to be all in vain. He didn’t even appreciate anything you had done for him. 

“Your job seemed to be more important than me.” “What the hell are you on? I’ve turned so many job offers down for you because I wanted to stay in Seoul with you. I could be working with the biggest companies in the world right now, but I’m not, because our relationship was more important to me. Because you were more important to me. I never chose my career over you.”

“You were working nonstop, Minhee. You always had a new project going on and we didn’t even see each other anymore.”

“I was trying to build something for myself. Something that I could be proud of. Something that I could call my own. I wanted to be able to stand on my own and not always be introduced as Simon D’s girlfriend.“

“What are you talking about?” “Kiseok, you know exactly what everyone was saying about us ‘that I was using you, that I was a gold digger, and that I wasn’t worthy to be your girlfriend and that you could do so much better than that’.”

Of course no one would ever tell this to your face. But they did talk behind your back. You weren’t pretty enough. You weren’t smart enough. You weren’t successful enough. 

“Minhee, I didn’t know it bothered you that much. You never told me,” he eyes softened at you and you saw the guilt written all over his face.  “Because it wasn’t your fault. I didn’t want you to feel bad for what other people were saying and thinking.”

“If I knew, I—.“

“You wouldn’t have slept with her?” You cut him off sharply, because you didn’t want to listen to his excuses and apologies any longer. “But you did. You did on your own account, so stop blaming it on me or on her, or whatsoever. At least she had the decency to come clean.“ “She only did it to turn you against me. I ended things with her that’s why she went to you. Because she knew you were the most important thing in the world to me.“

“I don’t care what her motivation was. At least she was honest. You played me for a fool, lied and deceived.“

“What I did, I did because of my own insecurities, but I always loved you and I still love you.“

„Too bad your words don’t mean shit anymore.“

~*~

[Time leap]

“Hey, what are you doing here?” A smile appeared on your lips, albeit being confused by his sudden appearance. You just went through your schedule for the day with your assistant and you were pretty sure you didn’t have an appointment with him today. But it was nice to see a friendly face amid a stressful day at work.

“Your assistant let me in,“ he answered shortly, his voice sounding rather rigid. “Do you want to sit down? Anything to drink?” You offered politely, a habit of yours every time someone came into your office. “No, this is gonna be quick, but I wanted to ask you this face to face.” “Ask me what?” You blinked at him confused.

“The project with Simon D fell through. Did you say anything to him?“ “Are you serious?” You let out a scoff in disbelief that such a ridiculous thought was even crossing his mind. You were the last person who would sabotage his career.

“I mean…you weren’t really fond of it. You were trying to talk me out of it,“ he stammered under his breath, his voice becoming a whisper as though he had lost confidence in what he was saying.

“Yes! Because Kiseok was using you to get back at me. I just wanted to keep you out of it.”

“Did you talk to him, or did you not?“ “Yes, I talked to him. But I didn’t tell him to kill the project. He never planned to go through with it in the first place,” you tried to justify your actions. 

“You promised me you wouldn’t meddle in this.“

“I know and I’m sorry. But this wasn’t even about you. It was about Kiseok and me.”

“You guys are unbelievable,” he shook his head in disappointment. “You’re behaving like high schoolers. It might just be a game to you, but it’s not to me. I actually worked hard for this and sacrificed a whole lot.” “It’s not a game to me. I didn’t want any of this. I tried to warn you, Christian, but you wouldn’t listen.“

”Why do you think he did that?“ “I don’t know? Maybe he wanted to get back at me. Maybe he wanted to drive away the only person I could talk to right now? I don’t know, I don’t know what’s going on in his sick mind.“ “Are you really that blind, Minhee? He desperately trying to cling on to you. He obviously still has feelings for you which he tries to prove in some sick way. And you’re still in love with him, so instead of behaving like kids, just go and talk it out.” “I’m not in love with him anymore,” you denied firmly.  “Really? So you jumping in bed with me was not an attempt to distract yourself?” “I thought you would be the last person to hold that against me,” you stared at him in disbelief.  “You know what? I’m done with this. I don’t have the time and energy for this. You guys figure things out on your own. I don’t wanna stand in the middle of it,” he turned around and grabbed the door handle.

Surprise, surprise! The ex has been revealed...what do y’all think? Sorry for being so MIA. I’ll answer all the asks I have in my inbox later. Thank you soooo much for all the support! I really appreciate it! One of the reasons I came back. I hope you liked this chapter, let me know what you think!! :)

[Edit] Just out of curiosity, are you guys team Ian or team Simon D? hahahah

[hiehgiuhdkgdfjhdf]

vasiwy 🐍🐟💗 arden 🐉👹. Bitch

die <3

vasily:

🐍 Is your OC a good liar? How easy is it for them to tell lies? What is the biggest lie they’ve ever told and did they ever get found out? On the other hand, what is the biggest lie someone has told your OC and did they believe them?

vasily is very straightforward so id say they dont bother lying usually but like they also wpuldnt, feel bad about doing it. their biggest lie is telling themselves they dont need others and that eventually falls through but its all fine and sexy. as for being lied to goes id say when their parents set them up to die on their first solo hunt if . that counts as one

🐟 What was your OC like as a baby? What were they like as a child? A teenager? An adult? How do you think they’ll develop ten years into their future? Twenty years? Will they live to old age?

oh they were a loud and rowdy kid. their upbringing did Not help with that but as they got into their teens instead of being loud they just decided to instead make themselves scary looking and to also be an asshole. doesnt change much as an adult and i dont think they ever completely will in the future but theyd still soften up by a little! maybe they stop looking like theyd jump you

💗 Ramble a bit about this character!

oh god ive already talked so much about them but uhhh i feel like i make them sound worse than they actually are which dont get me wrong. vasilys still bad to be Around but they arent a bad Person just very. ambigious id say! like ive said they dont go out of their way to help most people but they also dont just attack anybody unless provoked. or any other better example

their whole deal really is just a product of their upbringing i think they wouldve been different if they had a Normal Human Family but alas. theyd never admit that but i do think avatar families in general are a traumatic thing

arden:

🐉 How religious is your OC? Do they pray to any god(s) or do they not believe in that kind of stuff? What is their view of religion in general? Where do they believe people go when they die? If your OC is not religious why not and what do they believe in otherwise?

i know i joked about arden being christian but honestlyyyy he doesnt care about it. i dont think too much on my ocs' religious beliefs so if i dont specify anything theyre agnostic by default sorry whsbdj bad question to ask me sorry lou

👹 How does you OC act around different people and how does their personality change to match the environment they’re in? How do they act with: friends, family, strangers, children or their lover(s)?

arden is very nice/pleasant by default and hes really only mean to 1) his friends (jokingly) or 2) people who have somehow managed to piss him off which is a genuinely hard thing to do but hes not stupid just likes being friendly

he doesnt change much depending on WHO he's with but obviously hes gonna be more open with friends or his boyfriend. though i guess his happy demeanor would sometimes hinder him from admitting somethings wrong out of a little bit of denial... he doesnt like it and its not out of feeling obligation to be nice and happy for OTHERS its a personal thing

[chaostwofold]

1-41 on the asks? Also gn

1. if you were to have Hanahaki disease, what flowers would you cough up?

Morning glories!! not only are they already my favorite flower, theyre extremely toxic and mean unconditional love! i have a tendency to fall for the wrong people and not realize until after,, BUT thats only half and half!! some people i loved unconditionally and contine to love them and others set me back in the recovery process,,

2. if someone were to catch Hanahaki disease for you, what flowers would they cough up?

Begonias id assume? not only are hanahaki flowers supposed to represent your feelings, they should also represent the person. begonias are known for misfortune, dark/unpleasant thoughts, and caution to new situations. on the flip side, its harmonious communications, understanding, and gratitude.

3. if you were any historic trope, what would you be? (i.e., the knight, the town baker, the witch of the forest, etd.)

hm. well, what about the urchin whos actually a prince? someone who originates from grand places, a great misfortune turns them into something undesirable and possibly bitter, and then when theyre brought back to the light of stability they provide for those who are in the same situation as he was

4. tell us about your ideal battle outfit

im long range magic tactics and healing always bc im too afraid of conflict :pensive: but the closest thing would probably be something flexible but strong, in black and the more sensitive areas like the neck and thighs covered more carefully (read: shadowhunter gear)

5. what would you be a god/goddess of and what would people sacrifice to you?

change on an emotional and mental plane. they would sacrifice those who refuse to change for the better. i determine what is better, and if they choose the wrong person to sacrifice they would pay depending on why they attempted to sacrifice someone who didnt deserve it.

6. name five iconic quotes that make you feel things.

“there is a difference between wisdom and intelligence... a person may have one without the other.” is an all time favorite from my favorite book The Soulforge by Margret Weis!!!!!!!

“plant your trees and watch them grow.” OUGH

 “There is a thin semantic line separating the weird and the beautiful. and that line is covered in jellyfish.” NIGHTVALE

“Ive been good sir / so very very good for what? / and ive given you / every single thing ive got / its feeling strange man / this whole arrangement / is gonna end with / me totally deranged” From Disobedient, from su:tm!!! it slaps man

“ What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? / What are you wondering? What do you know? / Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?” Ah. billie eilish ily

7. scythe, battle axe, broad sword, spear or trident?

Scythe! the weapon of fate and peace,, it is used to reap the souls of those deemed to die and its used for harvesting crops!! the end of all thngs, its a graceful and symbolical weapon.

8. what combination of natural scents would you use as perfume?

Vaniila, star anise, and clary sage

9. ancient scrolls or leather-bound books?

leather bound books!!

10. describe yourself as if you were a storm.

a cyclone, probably. something threatening on the outside but extremely calm on the inside.

11. what type of flower (other than a rose) would you offer someone you were trying to court?

amaryllis, which is splendid beauty and worth beyond beauty

12. honey in milk or cinnamon in tea?

cinnamon in tea!!!

13. cabin in the woods, apartment in the city or mansion in the suburbs?

apt in the city

14. curtains of beads or lace?

bead curtains!!! retro AND can be like “hoohoo welcome to my brewery pick your literal poison im a witch”

15. vocal or instrumental music?

yall know i could never pick,, music is too much of an intimate thing too be taken lightly (whch is one of the reasons i have a burning hatred for jokey nursery rhymes like baby shark)

16. describe your ideal fantasy outfit

SOBS okay so. ough it depends man. i rlly like the idea of like. ponchos and shawls n stuff,,, id prolly go for a witch in the woods ngl (the prince REPRESENTS me the best but. witch of the dark woods is my aesthetic) so prolly like a heavy green shawl over a black shirt and jeans and combat boots or smth,,, i WOULD have a flower crown of poisonous flowers, yes

Changeling or shapeshifter definitely!! to be able to constantly change form in super mecore

18. hard candy, fruit preserves or spice cake?

fruit preserves

19. show us an a picture of your ideal crown.

you all knew it was gonna happen ( its a mountain laurel!! poisonous. of course)

20. tying your hair up using ribbon, yay or nay?

my hair is WAY too short for that but i used to do it when i had longer hair and its a definite yay

21. an evening in the forest with elves, a night in the caves with vampires or a morning in the garden with fae?

an evening in the forest with elves or a morning in the garden with fae!! i cant decide man,,, if it had been a night in a victorian castle w vamps i wouldve been tied w that too but caves are a dwarven thing

22. tell us, in detail, about a curse a witch would put on you.

hm. maybe like. a true self thing? where im forced to say what i mean, i cant say sorry for things im not sorry for, i have to say when things make me uncomfy, i just become less timid (the witch who cursed me got pissed off bc i said sorry too much and didnt answer questions properly)

23. talking with sylphs or singing with nymphs?

talking with sylphs prolly??? i dunno man ive always loved sylphs ngl

24. mint, rosemary, basil or sage?

def mint

25. favorite childhood story? (doesn’t have to be a fairy tale)

what childhood lmao (honestly?? i loved reading the grim fairytales just over and over)

26. tell us about an experience you’ve had that seemed unreal or supernatural. (doesn’t have to be scary)

uhhh one time i was accused of witchcraft bc i was “guessing” peoples fav colours at a christian summer camp and our supervisors asked me to stop bc it was freaking them out bc im not christian (i had them close their eyes, think of their colour, and i would see it bc id close my eyes) OH also one time luke spoiled some pl stuff bc he was thinking abt the spoiler too loudly

27. would you rather have poison or healing ointment in your traveling pack?

oh healing def!! i already know a bunch of native poisonous plants so itll b fine

28. tell us three sayings that you live by.

only two chances for everyone, and then i cut them off entirely

cringe culture is dead. the only cringy people are assholes

hurt luke youre dead

29. vials or mason jars?

no. no. you CANNOT make me pick. its illegal

30. describe your ideal masquerade ball outfit (mask included).

uh! moss green, its a onepiece thats baggy and tied with a golden decorative rope at the waist and tightened at the ankles!! its loose at the sleeves and the shoulders are showing whereas the neck is turtled!! there are designs showing black mambas and lilies of the valley (poisonous...). the mask is black and covers my right eye, with subtle smooth scales on it.

31. splashing around in a river with mermaids or flying through the sky with harpies?

BOTH are p mean uh. i said sylphs earlier so ig ill go mermaids??? plus im afraid of heights

32. what would you end up in the dungeon for?

as the royal magician/wizard/witch/alchemist/magic jester? calling the royal family out on their bullshit

33. if you were a fairy, what color would your wings be?

they would be black owls wings!!! (if you meant pixies, like tinkerbell, you shouldve said pixies fam :pensive:)

34. if you could have any magical item, what would it be?

deaths cloak or a truth charm to get people to tell me, you guessed it, the truth

35. what song would the bards sing about you when you passed by?

a song about grim ends ad new beginnings.

36. would you rather be a pirate or a king/queen?

royalty! so i can fuck shit up from the inside

37. would you spend more time in the field of flowers, the tavern, the docks or the marketplace?

field of flowers or marketplace!! seeing the things people create and natural beauty and solitude are both wonderful

38. would you have a painting of yourself?

a modest one with a very dark palette, with my eyes painted a gleaming golden.

39. what skill are you famous for?

i talk rlly fast

40. if you could live any fairy tale, which one would you?

im not sure,, 

41. stained glass windows or fairy lights?

FAIRYLIGHTSFAIRYLIGHTSFAIRYLIGHTS

[drizzitwrites]

Football RPF Challenge - Day 8: Doing Something Cute

Today’s scene is from the fic I plan to write AFTER I finally get this WIP I’ve been working on since July done and published.

Based off of yesterday and how much time and energy I usually have on Thursdays, I fully expected that this would be yet another day of me trying to write new content, it falling flat, and me just ending up editing something from my current active WIP instead, since the whole thing starts off with some bits about Vincent trying to do super cute things for Christian.

BUT! This morning while brushing my teeth it occurred to me that I could also work on a scene from the next fic that has to get written (which, as always, could have been considered for both yesterday's theme of "doing something stupid" AND today's theme of "doing something cute" since with these two one is also usually the other, let's be real). Anyway, I'm going to attempt to write this new scene and we'll see how it goes. Ideally it will work since the being cute bits in the other fic have already rather been edited to death so I could only very marginally say "well I edited those other bits so I still made progress for today." You'd have to squint at it rather side-eyed in order for it to be plausible.

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR CURRENT WIP AND FOR THE NEXT FIC IN THE SERIES]

Today's scene--Vincent has decided to have surgery to fix an injury that's plagued him for nearly a year now. It's fairly minor and routine and he's perfectly capable of going through it himself and relying on the Spurs staff to get him situated since it's a weekday and Christian, et al have training.

Christian has other plans and manages to talk his way out of training to be there in hospital when Vincent wakes up.

What you need to know is that at this point the whole team (or 95% of it at least) knows about Christian and Vincent's relationship but Christian is still coming to terms with that and what it means and it's still not something he's keen to talk about widely (or at all).

Vincent blinked his eyes open into harsh white overhead lights shining daggers into his skull, then let out a groan and instinctively tried to raise his left arm to throw a hand over his eyes.

He immediately regretted everything about every single one of these actions as a sharp pain shot through his arm starting at the top of his hand and radiating upward all the way to his shoulder. This made him follow up the groan with a loud yelp and some highly uncomplimentary phrases in Dutch.

To his left, a far too cheerful voice tells him to "hold still, please. You'll rip out your IV," and he remembers...

Hospital. Surgery. To repair the foot he'd injured back in December and stubbornly decided to not do anything about until now.

He lay back, dropping his hand to the rough cotton of the sheet, and closed his eyes against the fluorescent lights. Around him, sounds started filtering back in--the hums and beeps of the machines surrounding his bed, clatter of carts and murmur of voices flowing past the open door to his room, rush and bustle of a busy London hospital.

Once more, the cheerful voice, and Vincent now remembered it as belonging to Asima, the anaesthesiologist who had prepped him for the procedure, her large, dark eyes kind as she held his hand and slipped the syringe into his IV.

Her face, round and expressive, framed by the deep green of her hijab, had been the last thing he'd seen before he'd drifted away into oblivious sleep.

"...alright?" she asked, and Vincent blinked his eyes open once more, this time holding them in a half-squint in an attempt to ward off some of the harsh white glare.

"Wat...?" Vincent asked, the word slipping out in Dutch instead of English.

This, for some reason, put him in a brief panic that oh, God, he might have forgotten how to speak English and here he was in England and getting ready for a hopeful move back to Turkey and he'd never be able to communicate with anyone ever again--before his brain kicked back into gear and he let out a laugh at the absurdity of that entire scenario.

That laugh led to another, then another, until he was giggling uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. Asima let it happen, going about her work as though a grown man laying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of his hand and machines beeping out his vital signs laughing his head off about seemingly nothing was just another Monday afternoon for her. Maybe it was, who was Vincent to say?

"Is that..." A different voice, low and soft and strong; cut through with an undercurrent of concern that, for once, Christian didn't sound like he was even bothering to conceal. "Is everything okay?"

Vincent flicked his eyes open once more, then dropped his head to the right in the direction of Christian's voice. His eyes scanned past dull beige walls and gleaming metal fixtures, everything polished and sterile and clean. He twisted and shifted,  ignoring the prick of pain in his hand as the motion shifted the IV needle as his eyes finally landed on he familiar figure perched on the edge of one of the chairs slid into the corner of the room, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, his eyes fixed on Vincent.

"Christiaan," he said, the word coming out a bit raspy and breathless as though his voice hadn't been used in a few days, although in reality the surgery had only been scheduled for a few hours. "Je bent er nog steds."

Maybe he really had forgotten English.

Insistent pressure against his shoulder and Christian looked up, eyes focused above and behind Vincent's bed to where Asima still stood, pressing Vincent back down into the too hard mattress.

"Sit back, please," she said.

Vincent rolled his head back towards Asima, who once again stood over him, dark eyes staring down at him expectantly.

"Are you doing alright?"

"Ja," Vincent said and then "Godverdamme. Yes. I mean yes. I mean...I'm good, just...ugggghhhhhh."

He lifted his hands again, wanting nothing more than to scrub at his eyeballs in some vain attempt to wipe away the lingering fog still filling up his brain. His right hand lifted free, but he once again let out a yelp as the IV sent a stabbing pain shooting up his arm.

"Vincent?" Christian's voice again, closer this time and now laced with a vague panic. A familiar hand wrapped around Vincent's own, long fingers twining with his own, skin hot and damp with sweat.

"I'm fine, Lieveke," Vincent said, still speaking in Dutch, although this time less for a lack of capacity for English than out of habit. "Just..." He took a breath. "Trying to make my brain work in English."

The last bit, he actually managed to say in English, which he took as a good sign. He was probably on the road to recovery with no lasting damage. To his brain, at least. He had no idea what the state of his foot might be, except now that the anaesthetic was wearing off he was starting to notice the sharp pulsating throbs of pain radiating through his foot and his leg.

He squeezed Christian's hand tighter against the sensation, and Christian returned the grip.

"I am...good," Vincent repeated, this time for Asima's benefit. "Is everything...?"

"The surgery went well," she said. "Everything went according to plan. We need to keep you here for a bit longer for some observation and to make sure there aren't any unforeseen complications, but you should be ready to return home this evening."

Christian breathed out a sigh that it sounded like he'd been holding in for most of the day, then gave Vincent's hand another squeeze. "Good. That's good news. I can...oh--"

He trailed off, abruptly straightening up and stepping back from Vincent's bedside, although he didn't release his grasp on Vincent's hand. "Liefje, will you...I have to make a phone call or two. I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"

"Oke," Vincent said, not letting go of Christian's hand. "But...where are you going?"

Christian brushed a hand across Vincent's forehead, sweeping back the sweat damp fringe of his hair that had fallen out of place. He leaned over the curved metal railing running the length of the bed and pressed a kiss to the centre of Vincent's forehead, his lips cool and dry against Vincent's skin.

"I'm going to make sure everything is perfect for when it's time to get you home. A few minutes, Liefje, I promise. I know you're fine, and I trust Asima here to take the best care of you, but I don't want to let you out of my sight for a minute longer than I have to."

Vincent shook his head and let out a low chuckle of a laugh. "You are ridiculous, you know that?"

Christian's eyes wide and Vincent could see a thousand emotions all flooding behind them--fear and helplessness and relief and apprehension and love--and Vincent knew that if the roles were reversed he wouldn't be keeping things together half as well as Christian was. The surgery had been minor and routine, and Vincent was in peak physical condition. But just because you knew, rationally, that everything was going to be okay, that didn't mean the non-rational parts of your brain would let you believe it.

"I'll be fine,Christiaan," Vincent said, unlinking his fingers from Christian's and pulling him back down for another kiss. This time, Vincent shifted, still mindful of the IV and assorted tubes running out of his left arm, and sliding upward in his bed until his lips met Christian's.

He wrapped a hand around the back of Christian's neck, pressing him in closer. Christian's lips parted, and Vincent took the opportunity to swipe his tongue against Christian's teeth. He was rewarded with a small gasp, and Christian opened his mouth wider, crushing his mouth harder against Vincent's. Slide of tongue against tongue, scent of Christian's cologne filling Vincent's nose and the faint hint of citrus and mint lingering on Christian's tongue.

From Vincent's left, Asima let out a small, deliberate cough. Christian all but leapt backwards, mouth still open, eyes wide, both hands in the air in front of him--as though he'd been caught in the middle of some sort of nefarious criminal activity.

"Sorry to...interrupt," Asima said. "It's just...I need to ask a few questions and check some of your vital signs. Plus, well..." Her bronze skin flushed pink and she cleared her throat again. "If your heart rate or pressures elevate too much I'd have to call in a medical team. So..."

"Oh, god," Christian gasped, his face nearly tomato red now, and Vincent couldn’t help but laugh at the sight, though he could feel the heat creeping into his own ears and cheeks.

"I'd better..." Christian said, holding up his phone. "Back soon."

He turned towards the door, not quite running towards the corridor, but walking with purpose as he jabbed at the screen of his mobile.

"Christiaan," Vincent called out just as he reached the doorway, and Christian stopped in his tracks and spun to face him, phone now dangling in a loose grip at his side as he focused all his attention on Vincent.

"Bedankt," Vincent said. "For being here. I really...it means a lot."

Christian shook his head and gave Vincent a warm smile. "Where else would I be, Liefje? Now listen to Asima and I'll be back soon."

Vincent nodded and returned Christian's smile, his whole body glowing with the warmth of Christian's affection. "Oke. Ik hou van je."

"Ik hou ook van jou. Zo veel." 

Christian flashed Vincent an awkward wave, then disappeared out the door and around the corner.

[talkingtothetallman]

It's a God Thing

So, things have been changing.

September 23rd, 2021. That's the day Quincy Jack was brought into this world. Let me just say, it wasn't exactly a beautiful entrance; actually, it was quite scary.

At about 10:15 in the morning on Tuesday, the 21st, I was on route in Chehalis when Abby called me. I had just finished Home Depot and Walmart on the 6C and had a couple of stops left before I headed out towards Brockway-Chilvers. Abby and I knew that Quincy was coming soon. In fact, we had already scheduled the induction process for Thursday, September 23rd. However, I was always on call in case there was an emergency; water breaking, major contractions, etc. I answered her on my AirPods and she told me that Dr. Ross (her OB/GYN) was very concerned about her labs she had taken the day before (Monday) and that she wanted to start the induction as soon as possible... tonight. I told her that I wanted to deliver in Vancouver instead of Longview and hung up and called my boss, Jake. He told me he would get a plan rolling and get back to me. A couple hours later, we had a plan in place and soon I was at home helping Abby pack our hospital bags.

Once we were settled into our room, we started the preparation for birth. IVs were attached to Abby, each of the bags holding different fluids used to speed her body up in order to start labor. We also met some of the nurses and doctors who were going to be there to deliver our son. One of those doctors was Dr. Steven Hung. Smaller in stature, seemingly shy and quiet, he introduced himself to us and explained that he was in his residency as a family medicine doctor, and asked if he could watch and learn from the other doctors. I told him that was fine.

Fast forward to a couple days later, and the initial attempts at induction were somewhat slow and unsuccessful. But at 7:30am, Thursday morning, as I was using the restroom, Abby called out to me. I rushed out to her saying that her water finally broke. We were getting close! Soon the epidural was in place and things were picking up speed. Suzanne, Abby's nurse at the time, told me I should go to the vending machine and grab something sugary to drink; she didn't want me to get caught up in the moment and pass out from low blood sugar in all the excitement. I left the room and made a couple of turns down the hallway to the small, can-dispensing vending machine. As I was deciding what I should drink, Dr. Steven came around the corner and asked if I was alright. I told him what I was doing, to which he nodded his understanding. Then he asked me if the book that was sitting on our table was a Bible, to which I said yes! I was surprised he had noticed. He told me that he was also a Christian! This was the first of many "God Things." It was really neat to have a brother in our Lord nearby during this experience, and it would be beneficial later. Soon, we were back in the room as the labor pains grew and progress was continuing.

But then, Quincy's heartbeat dropped off into dangerous territory. Dr. Farber, the man who was delivering Quincy, rushed Abby into an OR to perform an emergency C section. I stood outside. Then I sat outside. I was nervous, anxious at what was going to happen. I had faith in Christ, that He would work everything out for His glory. Quickly, a nurse came to me and told me that my son was born, very lethargic and floppy. Alive, but not in great health. She told me to follow him into the NICU where they would talk to me there. Stephanie, the nurse in the NICU for that night, debriefed me what had happened: Quincy's low heart rate had caused lactic acid to build up in his body, and in order to prevent major organ damage from occurring they wanted to lower his body temperature to a chilling 92° for 72 hours. She assured me that this was the best course of action, so I gave her the okay. Of course, I wanted what was best for my son.

I made it back to the room where Abby now was. She was pretty loopy and wanted to know how Quincy was. I told her everything I knew. The memories for her are very faded, but she remembered that Dr. Steven held her hand in the OR, which helped her tremendously. She wanted to meet her son, the boy she had so faithfully and valiantly carried for the past eight months. Now was not that time, and she would eventually, but right now they wanted to prep her for at least one night in the ICU to treat her DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). I held her hand and we prayed for our dear son while we waited for her to be moved. By the time they were ready to transport her to the ICU, it was the wee hours of the early morning and I was curled up on the couch asleep.

That night he had a seizure, not a good sign. The nurse scratched a note and hung it on the little table telling me to push the call button on the hospital bed when I woke up. It was then that I heard the news and I rushed over to see Quincy. They explained to me what their plans were during their morning rounds at 9:30 and then I sat with him for a bit. I talked to mom on the phone and told her what I knew; we both shed some tears. We trusted the Lord, but our hearts broke at the sight of Abby and my boy. I went up to see Abby after a little while and filled her in on what we knew. She still hadn't met our precious son, and that was breaking her heart. While she was improving, she was tired and hungry from not sleeping well or eating much over the past few days. There was hope of her getting out that evening, which was a blessing for us both since I couldn't be up there with her all the time. I went back to my room and took a long, needed nap. I woke up and headed back to the NICU. It was there that I watched Quincy stop breathing for a second. The nurses were on him in a flash and they promptly got him stable. They were messing with a tube in his throat when his episode occurred and they believed they triggered a vagel reflex. That was scary, but it was even scarier that it happened a second time.

Yes, it happened again. And I was in the room... again.

The second time occurred when they were prepping him to go to the Doernbecher NICU in OHSU when I noticed him not breathing for a split-second. Again, they acted quickly and he was soon stable again. This second episode certainly proved to Quincy's doctors that he should be transferred to a bigger and more specialized NICU. To say that this whole process was scary is an understatement. Seeing nurses rush to get your son breathing again isn't exactly enjoyable. And to compound the situation, Abby still hadn't seen Quincy yet. I tried to get the nurses to bring Quincy by the ICU for Abby to see him before he switched hospitals, but with COVID they wouldn't allow it. I watched the team take Quincy in the portable bed into the ambulance. My eyes burned as I failed to hold back even a few tears. It was everything I could do to hold it in. I bid farewell to my son and said thank you to the paramedics who were taking him. My broken heart watched them drive away. I dug into my pocket and called my boss, Jake. His wife had also went through an emergency C section during her first pregnancy and I knew he would be nice to talk to, since he knew the territory.

I wanna pause and point out the second "God Thing." God blessed me with a boss who not only is honest, helpful, and patient, but is also married to a type 1 diabetic as well. He knew this situation like the back of his hand, and because of that, he let me run a route close to the building in case I had to jump off route (like I did that Tuesday) for an emergency. He gave me everything I needed because he knew what I was going through. Having Jake as my boss is totally a "God Thing." I'm very grateful for him!

Soon, Abby was out of the ICU and we were waiting a transfer to OHSU so we could be closer to Quincy. In the meantime, my mom so graciously drove down to be with Quincy that first night and would update us until we were settled at OHSU; we didn't know when we'd get there, but we hoped sooner than later. Later that day (Saturday), we were getting ready for the paramedics to take Abby to OHSU when Steven came in. He wanted to tell us that he was praying for us and gave us his number so that we could update him about Quincy's health. He also told us that if we needed a place to stay, we could stay with him. Talk about a blessing! We said our goodbyes, and soon we were on our way to OHSU, me via our car and Abby via the ambulance since she still couldn't walk from the C section. Hours later, I finally was able to wheel her to the elevator, go down a floor, and sign into the NICU so that Abby could finally meet her sweet little boy.

It was so so so good to all be united. We finally were able to be together for the first time in two days. That was so tremendously wonderful.

I'm going to skim quickly through this part, mainly because I could keep going on and on. Abby and I stayed at OHSU for three days before we were released to the Ronald McDonald House, a free housing situation for families whose loved one is in the hospital for an extended period of time. During that time, Quincy's body temperature was raised back to normal and he started to wake up and breathe better. They initially had him intubated, but soon he was breathing on his own really well and was drinking mama's milk from a bottle! Once he was stable, they wanted to keep him until they could ensure that he was progressing well enough to go home. They performed a brain scan to see if there were any parts of the brain obviously damaged from the lack of oxygen at birth, which praise Jesus, came back clean! He was progressing extremely well and Abby and I were encouraged to know that his doctors were "cautiously optimistic."

A week after we were discharged from OHSU, Quincy was finally cleared to go home. We were so ready to go home to our own bed, our son next to us in his bassinet. Life could go on as normal, only a memory of the past serving as a testament to the grace of God. I am okay with that; grateful because I know God works in many wonderful ways.

Before I leave, I want to zoom into a specific time in our story that gave me this blog's title. Soon after we had arrived at the Ronald McDonald house, we proceeded to grab our many bags of clothes and belongings to bring them up so that we could settle comfortably in our room. Since Abby had weight restrictions from the C section, I took care of the bags. During one of the many trips, I ran into an Asian woman on the elevator. Trying to be polite, I asked her why she was here. She replied with something astonishing.

Her young son was in Doernbecher for T-cell ALL, or acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Down to the letter, that was exactly what my brother Andy had nearly a decade ago. I immediately told her this and that my brother was healthy and doing great! She was almost breathless and told me how worried she had been, that she had been praying to God for a sign.

"You're an answer to prayer." Her words, not mine.

I was awestruck at this. THAT is a "God Thing." As I bade her farewell, I noticed a gold cross hanging around her neck. God works in so many strange, and yet beautiful ways. I walked away from her smiling, knowing that God had used me to bring light into her seemingly hopeless and dreary situation. I told Abby what had happened when I got back to the room, and when I left the room for the car again I met this same woman in the hallway. I smiled to her, and she asked, "What was your name?" I told her and asked what her son's name was, to which she replied, "Nathan." I asked her, "May I pray for your son right now?" "Yes!" So right there, in the middle of the hallway, we lifted up her son, Nathan, to our Heavenly Father.

I left that woman, having a sense of the wonder of God. From nine years ago when my brother was diagnosed with cancer, to when my son was born premature and had to go to the NICU, to us staying at the Ronald McDonald House, even down to the time we arrived, God worked and orchestrated those very conversations. There isn't a shred of doubt in my mind that this is a "God Thing."

As odd as it may be, I'm glad that it was Abby and me that went through this situation. We have Jesus, and others don't. We have the power to leverage our faith to turn hearts to Jesus when everything seems bleak. Jesus gives us the power to endure even the hardest trials, because He himself went through the hardest of trials: he hung on a cross to bear the sins of everyone. Praise God.

Oh, what peace we often forfeit when we don't place our entire faith in Jesus. And in the short time we have here, it's our loss if we don't. It's a choice that we have to make every. single. day.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:15-16

[inkbucket]

On Civil Disobedience

A good friend of mine sent me this article the other day as a summary of what he believed about civil disobedience, and I disagreed with that position strongly enough to write a fairly lengthy (ok, an absurdly long) response.  This is not an abstract philosophical question in my particular community right now because many Christians are actively protesting the mask and social distancing orders, which they believe to be unconstitutional and un-American, by intentionally breaking the law right in front of police officers.  When the officers attempted to cite them, they refused to show ID and/or argued with the police long enough to apparently count as resisting and obstructing justice and were led away in handcuffs, which caused a bit of a national media scene.  So here we go:

If I had to summarize the article, it would be “Romans 13 No Longer Applies Because ‘Murica.” The first thing this article does is create a straw man and knock it around a bit - as far as I’m aware, no major Christian thinker has ever taught that obeying the magistrate is absolute and extends even to the point where Christians must commit murder or other sins when commanded by the magistrate. The position of the church has always been that when asked to sin by a magistrate, Christians must obey God rather than man. I can’t think of anyone who has ever taught that the fact that Christians are supposed to obey the magistrate morally justifies the magistrate’s actions, either (e.g. Joseph Stalin’s purges). The author is a historian, so it’s a bit surprising that he apparently doesn’t know the historic position of the church.

His next point is to argue that because America was founded as a constitutional republic, if the powers that be violate that constitution then Christians have no moral obligation to obey them. This is interesting because Paul wrote Romans under Nero, and the gradual failure of the roman republic was recent enough that the conspiracy that would later “trigger” Nero and start all the craziness had members who wanted to get rid of emperors and restore the republic. Augustus and Tiberius went to great lengths to keep up the fiction that Rome was still a republic, though that had tapered off by the time of Nero. So the emperors had gradually swallowed all the power and destroyed Rome’s historic form of republican government. But the Christians Paul and Peter wrote to were still supposed to obey and even honor them:

The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. (Romans 13)

Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God's slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. (1 Peter 2)

So if Trump were to fulfill the liberals’ worst nightmares and declare himself Emperor Trump and an American Emperor eventually became the status quo, at some point we’d be called to believe that the Trump dynasty was established by God and submit to their authority. And a Christian who tried to assassinate emperor Trumpius IV and restore the constitution would be in the wrong. Right now, however, the constitution is the highest law of the land and receives at least lip service from the powers that be, so I agree with the author that it’s a fine way to call authorities to account - but it’s not a magic document and if it ever becomes clear that the constitution has been overthrown, our duty of civil obedience would eventually transfer to whoever did the overthrowing.

But in the messy period OF the overthrowing, who would we owe obedience to? That’s a good segway to his next argument, which is that because in America the power has been distributed between three branches of government, there will be conflicting commands and hence Romans 13 doesn’t apply. His opinion seems to be that America is special, as if never before in the history of the world have there been different magistrates stepping on each others’ toes. This argument can be disproved by pretty much any history book you pick up - communication was expensive in the ancient world and governors of far-flung provinces often had lots of leeway and not a lot of oversight and sometimes rebelled against the central government. Even in the trial of Jesus (and later of Paul) we see the tension and power balance between the judeo-hellenistic heredity kings (the Herods) and the roman-appointed governor (Pilate). Then you have tribunes and centurions carrying out their orders more-or-less accurately on the ground, with the result that, even though there was a single Emperor far away, I’m betting actual enforcement of law was far more arbitrary and less monolithic than today.

So choosing which magistrate to obey has always been necessary, and the apostles’ audience would have had to try to make wise decisions in the messy, tumultuous age they lived in (just as we do now). This article’s argument that it’s impossible to obey Romans 13 at all if you have more than one legitimate authority is ridiculous. As far as choosing which to obey, Peter is careful to rank civic authority so in general I think we should seek the highest authority in the sphere under question to obey.  

In the case of a successful Chinese invasion or coup, etc, I think God would allow us the benefit of the doubt in the messy transition period until a clear winner emerged, and until then I certainly hope we’d be shooting invaders/coupers with AR-15s.

But who’s in charge isn’t the issue right now - I think we’d all agree that we have legitimate local, state and federal governments. As far as the “problem of federalism” argument: choosing whether to obey Trump’s tweets or legitimately passed state and local legislation doesn’t require much wisdom, I think. And in cases like Kootenai where the sheriff says you don’t have to mask up even if your city tells you that you to, it’s also pretty obvious (given that he outranks city law enforcement and there’s no state-wide mask law above him to consider).

Now his next claim “Michigan courts needed private citizens and businesses to challenge Whitmer’s orders before they could act. Citizens had to go first.” requires a bit of research: here and here.

Unless I’m missing something, none of the plaintiffs in that document actually broke the law. There was a man who wanted a knee surgery and some doctors who wanted to do it for him but couldn’t legally. So they sued and won, and I 100% support their action. Christians aren’t supposed to sue one another, but our government allows lawsuits against the government as a form of redress and there’s nothing wrong with taking advantage of that right that comes along with our citizenship.

So, given that the lawsuit that actually broke the governor’s seizure of power didn’t actually require civil disobedience, his claim about it being absolutely necessary seems pretty hollow.  

Civil disobedience shows up in scripture as the nuclear option - like the people of Israel refusing to let a deranged Saul kill Jonathan for no good reason. If someone is about to be murdered in front of you, then that’s an excellent time to consider civil disobedience.

But that’s not happening yet, and in our case we have multiple avenues of recourse - lawsuits, referendums, recalls, state laws, etc - we have many ways to seek justice while working within the law and without rebelling against any authority that God’s set over us. By using the term “right to protest”, the article attempts to conflate “right to peacefully assemble” with “right to ignore laws we believe are illegal based on higher laws”, but the latter is never guaranteed by the constitution or anywhere else. If a law is really illegal, then prove it in the courts! Sometimes we’ll be right (like Michigan), and sometimes (as in the very disappointing Supreme Court decision against the church in Nevada) we’ll be wrong, and something that sure seems like it should be illegal is ruled legal.

At that point, do we decide that our private interpretation of the constitution outranks that of the Supreme Court and disobey anyway? Or do we take the injustice as Christ calling us to suffer, and do our best to suck it up and suffer joyfully? “But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.” (1 Peter 2:18)

That’s the end of the article, but since this has turned into a novel anyway, I’d like to throw in seven additional random musings about this situation:

First, we expect a child to obey their parents when said parents ask them to do something dumb but not immoral. We expect a wife to obey her husband when he asks her to do something dumb but not immoral. So why is it that when as citizens we’re asked to do something dumb but not immoral, we fly off the handle and start getting pretty theatrical? It’s like submission is all well and good as long as it’s someone else who’s being called to do the submitting.

Second, in the case of Daniel refusing to obey the blatantly immoral command of Nebuchadnezzar to pray to no one else, how does he go about it? Daniel 6 gives quite a bit of detail - he went to his upstairs room where the windows faced Jerusalem and continued to do exactly what he did before. Presumably the windows were still open, so he wasn’t embarrassed about what he was doing. But he did exactly what he had done before… he didn’t march into the throne room and start praying in public right before the king to make a statement, and then get very offended when he was led away in handcuffs. So if a swat team enters through an open church door on Sunday and arrests us all singing psalms, that seems like the proper way to get arrested.

Third, and on that note, we are commanded to meet together with other Christians outside our immediate household, so if the government really prevents that for an extended period then we’re required to disobey. And I believe that if they did sneaky things like requiring us to file a Request to Worship form with a 6-month waiting period before we’re allowed to interact with another Christian face-to-face, that would count as preventing worship. But I don’t believe that the existing fire codes which regulate a church building’s maximum occupancy are preventing worship, even though they are examples of the government controlling how many of us can worship together under one roof. So somewhere between those extremes is the point where we start disobeying, and that’s a question for careful thought and prayer.  If we need to split up and worship in groups of 20 for a few years in individual houses, might not God use that for good?  Under persecution Christians have done that sort of thing for thousands of years and the Church has often thrived in those circumstances.

Fourth, I’m pretty sure the devil giggles every time he hears the phrase “flexing my muscles” or “tip of the spear” being used. Those catchphrases seem an awful lot like excuses to not believe the best about other folks as loving your neighbor requires (since magistrates are people too). As long as there’s a reasonable chance that they’re going to leave us alone (like if the police get called to our churches multiple times but refuse to enter, for example), that seems like a great opportunity to believe the best about them… that maybe they’ll continue to leave us alone. Arguments supporting aggressive red-pill Christianity are mostly pragmatic - the bad things that will happen if we don’t do such-and-such RIGHT NOW and get the jump on the bad guys… but it’s important to remember that we’re responsible for our actions and not the the outcome of our actions: our job is just to obey God, and let Him worry about the outcome.

Fifth, because of our actions, the reputation of our local police department has been unjustly savaged in the national media.  I ran into the wife of a police officer the other day and asked her how her husband was doing - she said he’d spent the week after the protest getting yelled at by angry people calling in from all over the country.  As far as I can tell, though, the police didn’t actually do anything wrong - they calmly and professionally enforced a law on the books.  I certainly hope that this particular law will get shut down soon through lawsuit or referendum, etc - but it hasn’t yet, and whether it will be eventually ruled unjust and nullified is an open question.  If we allow misconceptions about what actually happened to exist unchallenged, then we’re complicit in the damage done to our police department’s reputation.

Sixth, the current arguments in favor of civil disobedience go against the teaching of Augustine, Luther and Calvin, and whenever those three guys agree on anything, we’d best pay attention. The Lutheran position is the best developed and makes allowances for lesser magistrates to interpose themselves against higher magistrates and then for individual Christians to choose to follow the lesser magistrate instead of the greater (but all this only justified in pretty extreme cases). But the Lutheran position never allows people as individuals to judge the law and refuse to obey it (unless, of course, the law requires them to sin).

Seventh, civil disobedience in the current circumstances has been framed as being a disagreement over whether a particular tactic was used wisely or not, and thus subject to Christian liberty. To me, it’s more akin to the issue of whether we should have female pastors or allow homosexuality in the church - it’s a question of “do you believe the plain reading of the Scriptures, or do you play the not-culturally-relevant card and nullify the commandment of God with the tradition of men?” So I think it’s important we work through this together and sort this stuff out.

On that note, I firmly believe that every time you unfriend another Christian on Facebook, the devil wins. Cutting people out of your life entirely is the world’s current therapy for dealing with disagreement, but it’s diametrically opposed to the Christian “love your enemy”, which treats even your enemy as another person, made in the image of God, and desires their good. And if we’re supposed to love our enemies, how much more our brothers and sisters in Christ!  However, loving someone sometimes means speaking hard words to them - to use an extreme case, loving a meth addict or an alcoholic will often be offensive (to them) and a messy business for everyone.  But that’s the sort of good mess we’re called to.  

When other Christians are believing and teaching things that are clearly in error when held up to the word of God, being silent sometimes isn’t loving them (e.g. Paul rebuking Peter).  Though sometimes, being silent in the face of error is exactly what we’re called to (e.g. the Christian wife with an unbelieving husband). So your relationship to the other person does matter and define what is and isn’t appropriate.  But remember, changing people’s hearts is a job for the Holy Spirt and the Scriptures, not dependent on our arguments or cleverness.  Doing our best to please God in the way we interact with other people (whether speaking out or staying silent), and trusting Him for the outcome, lets us avoid the strident, angry tone that’s so common out there right now.  

I’ll leave you with another passage from 1 Peter - this is what we’re shooting for in our interaction with the world.  We need to conform to the examples we’ve been given in order to be able to say with a clean conscience “I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these do you stone me?” (John 10:32) and “I have done nothing wrong against the Jewish law or against the temple or against Caesar.” (Acts 25:8).  

And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you are blessed. "And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled." But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear; having a good conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile your good conduct in Christ may be ashamed. For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. (1 Peter 3)

[i-just-love-writing-crap]

Catching Murphy, Part 2

Warnings: Swearing, possible nsfw content Word Count: About 2219 Summary: You, Miss (y/n) (y/l/n), had a crush on Connor Murphy for years, from a distance of course. You had always been too shy to approach him, and the fact around school that he was an aggressive stoner caused you to become even more shy. One day, in history class, your teacher decided to assign a project and assigned everyone a partner—you and Connor were partnered together. Could you two grow close during the project and remain close? Or will Connor go back to ignoring you after the project comes to a close? A/N: I apologize if Connor is a biiiiit OOC… ;-; Obviously takes place in an AU where Connor is alive Masterlist Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11

When you arrived at the Murphy residence, your breath immediately left your lungs. You had never thought you could have ever gotten this far. And never had you thought that your love of Ancient Egyptian history would get the guy you had crushed on for years to notice you. Just this whole situation was incredibly weird—first Mr. Boulden partnered you and Connor up, then you are being brought over to Connor’s house. Not to mention Connor had, before you apparently interested him, told you he wouldn’t let you go to his house. You were lost in thought and you didn’t hear Connor calling your name from next to you.

“…ello!? FUCKING HELLO!!” Connor screamed into your ear.

Immediately, you covered your ears and answered, “Ouch! My fucking ears! WHAT, Connor?! WHAT IS IT!!?”

“Get the fuck out of my car, we’re at my house.”

“Fine. You had to scream in my ear, why?” you asked as you got out of his truck.

Crossing his arms, he answered, “Because you didn’t fucking answer me when I said it the first ten damn times.”

You huffed and retorted, “You could’ve done anything that wasn’t screaming in my ear, Connor.”

“Are you going to sit in my truck in the heat or do you wanna come the fuck inside?”

“Do you have food?”

“Oh my fucking God, yes, we have food for your fat-ass,” he grumbled.

“I’m not fat, Connor. I have some flab, but I’m not a fat-ass. Also, I thought you brought me to your house so you could help with the history project, not insult me and ridicule me when I want food,” you said.

Connor walked into his house, demanding you follow him, “Just come the fuck inside.”

“Fine,” you snapped and followed him inside. Oh God, I’m snapping at Connor fucking Murphy… I’m a deadman, you thought to yourself. “Now, can I have some food?”

Zoe walked through the den and said, “You can make yourself some food, (y/n), because Connor won’t make you shit. If you know how to cook with a stove, we have some noddles you can cook. Pans are under the sink.”

You smiled at Zoe and thanked her, “Thank you, Zoe… is it really okay?”

She looked at you, then to her brother, then back at you. “Yeah, it’s fine. Like I said, Connor won’t make you anything, so you might as well make yourself something.”

“Zoe, go fucking do something that’s not talking to (y/n). She’s here to work on a project,” Connor sneered at his sister.

You looked at Connor and crossed your arms. “That’s no way to talk to your sister, Connor,” you told him.

“And what do you know? You barely even know me or my family? All your here for is a fucking project,” he snapped.

That kind of hurt you. He had seemed so interested earlier at school, what had caused him to do a complete 180? You bit your lip and turned away from him. Speaking of what happened, what happened to you? Not even 24 hours ago you never would have even thought about talking to Connor Murphy, let alone the way you were talking to him now. “You know what, Connor Murphy—you are so confusing! You seemed soooo fucking interested in what I was saying at school and then the moment we are out of school, you act like we didn’t have a rather interesting interaction. Are you actually interested in helping me out with this fucking project or am I just going to have to do the whole damn thing by myself?! Because if you’re going to act like this, I would much rather you take my fat-ass home so I can do this myself!!”

Zoe rolled her eyes and left with a, “Keep your girlfriend calm, Connor.” Did she completely tune out what you had just said?

“I-I’m not his g-girlfriend, Zoe!!” you yelled, voice breaking in embarrassment.

“Yeah, okay. Sure, (y/n). He never brings a girl home and here you are, a girl, and he brought you home,” she said with a grin.

You blushed and stammered, “N-n-no! That’s crap! I’m just fucking here for a stupid project that I might as well do myself!”

As soon as Zoe left the room, Connor seemed immediately relieved. He even sighed, adding to the fact that he was relieved. “Geez, I thought she would never leave,” he said.

“Why does it matter?” you asked. “Anyways, are you going to fix me food or not?”

Connor sighed, “I can fix your dumbass some food.”

You bowed ironically as you said, “Thank you, Sir Connor.”

Connor had fixed you some simple mac and cheese, not that you were complaining, his mac & cheese was surprisingly delicious. You were half-way through your bowl of food when Connor asked you, “So, continue from where you fucking left off today.”

“Right now?” you asked with food in your mouth. You were completely taken by surprise by his words.

He looked at you for a moment, with a spoon hanging in your mouth and eyes looking up from your bowl, and gave you a small smile. “Yeah, right now. What do you have planned for our project.”

THERE HE GOES BEING INTERESTED AGAIN, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

You swallowed the food in your mouth and cleared your throat. “I, umm, well, I was thinking more of Akhenaten. The more I was thinking of him, the more I decided we could cover his family’s heresy,” you said.

“Who and what?”

“Pharaoh Akhenaten, born Ahmenhotep IV, was the head of religious upheaval that turned Ancient Egypt on its head. He went from worshipping the plethora of Ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses to just one god—Aten, the solar deity. Akhenaten’s whole family were a bunch of raging weirdos, though, so it wasn’t just him who was the special one of the bunch! Thutmose III, the bastard that tried to erase Hatshepsut from history, was the Heretic King’s great-great-grandfather—so yeah, great family already. Now, I’m not saying all of Akhenaten’s family was as fucked up as Thutmose III, but his great-grandfather, Amenhotep II began some religious shit. The same religious shit that spiraled out of control and ended with Akhenaten’s Amarna Period. Amenhotep II decided to build a fucking temple to the Sphinx of Giza and be crowned ruler of Heliopolis instead of Thebes, which started everything! And when I say everything, Connor, I mean everything! So, after this slight deviation, for the next three pharaohs, the religious deviation continued until Akhenaten decided to flip EVERYTHING!!”

There you went again, you got so animated when you talked about Ancient Egyptian history. And Connor noticed it and it caused him to smile a tad bit. He tried to focus on what you were saying, and he half did, but he was more focused on the way your eyes lit up as you shared your knowledge. He noticed how you abandoned the mac & cheese as you fidgeted with the spoon, like you were tying not to leave a single detail out. “Mhmm… cool, what happened?” he asked, waiting to see how animated you could get.

Of course, you did not disappoint. “Oh my Osiris!! Everything happened!! Akhenaten’s family slowly deviated from the Theben religion and shit! Ooh! I can’t even get into it! It wasn’t like Aten was some god that Akhenaten decided to make up just to fuck with the polytheistic religion of Egypt, no! He can’t take that credit! Aten had his own little cult back then,” you laughed. You noticed Connor’s eyes on you harden as you said cult. “N-no! Cults back then weren’t negative in the slightest, so don’t take it like that, C-Connor. Cults in the ancient past were kinda like the different secs of modern religions, like Baptists and Catholics of Christianity. So, yeah, Aten was a lesser god who had his own cult. The priesthood of Amun, the de-facto chief of gods, had grown large and almost out of control. They literally owned more land than even the fucking pharaoh did! Like, what the fuck? How the hell could they get that much fucking land without the pharaohs before Akhenaten noticing. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and it was one of the reasons that moron tried converting the whole of Ancient Egypt from polytheism to monotheism.” The spark in your eyes was enough to start a fire and you spoke with so much passion that it was almost suffocating. You took a spoonful of mac & cheese and stuffed it in your mouth, saying, “It was better when we were all fucking pagans.”

The way Connor was looking at you had you thrown for a loop. It was like you were the center of the world for a small amount of time. Taking a few moments to absorb what you had said, he spoke, “Oh really? And why were things better when we were all pagans, (y/n)?”

Scoffing, you answered, “Because when we were all pagans, we focused on fucking peace and harmony! None of this oh let’s go conquer this land in the name of God/Allah/our own selfish bullshit reasons! NO! When we were pagans, we only fought when we wanted to expand our land or settle something with another kingdom.”

“Ah,” he answered. Connor honestly didn’t know nearly half of what you were telling him. Everything you said was new information to him and it honestly made him lowkey smile about it. He had never really met anyone who could speak to him as freely as you did, or snap at him like you did for that matter, and it made him feel like he wasn’t just some druggie who people avoided. Connor Murphy actually felt grateful to that “old man” that was Mr. Boulden for partnering him up with such an interesting person. Never once had he thought that he could have been paired up with someone as interesting as you. “What makes you think that pagans didn’t go to war for stupid reasons, (y/n/n)?” he asked, his eyes never leaving yours.

“Boy,” you deadpanned, “you’re kidding me? A core idea in any monotheistic belief system is the encouragement of the belief that, in order for it to be right, other systems must necessarily be wrong. It is because of that stupid insistence on being the sole administrator of ultimate truth leads to intolerance of other beliefs and their suppression. That is why pagans are seen to be unholy and blasphemous, because of that damn central idea of monotheistic belief systems! Ugh!! It’s infuriating that a religion that promotes peace and harmony is considered unholy because some moron created a serious monotheistic religion.”

Connor chuckled in amusement, “You don’t seem to like monotheism, do ya, (y/n)?”

You laughed at his comment, “What gave you that idea? Now, don’t peg me as an atheist, because I’m not, I’m more agnostic than anything. And I don’t dismiss anyone’s religious views because umm, no, that’s fucking rude.”

“That’s good to know, I guess. Miss Agnostic,” Connor quipped.

“Oh, aren’t you just too funny, Mister Loner,” you quipped back.

“Ahaha… you’re hilarious, my spleen may burst.”

“Aww, thanks, Con.” Connor blinked at that name. You noticed what you had said and stammered, trying to fix your mistake, “C-Connor! I meant to say Connor, but it came out too soon! M-my brain… my mouth… my something wasn’t keeping up with everything else! I-I’m sorry!”

He chuckled softly at your cute stammering and said with a shrug, “You can call me that, (y/n). I can call you (y/n/n), you can call me Con. Anyways, we should probably get to work on the project. I like whatever your doing with the whole Heretic King thing, so let’s do that. But, you seem to know fucking everything there is to know about that shit, so you probably don’t need my help.”

You looked at him and smiled. “I might not need any help with research and shit, Con, but having some company while I do the project would be nice. If you can handle being around me for two to three weeks,” you answered.

“I can’t see that fucking killing me, (y/n/n),” he said, a smile could be heard in his tone.

Smiling, you continued to eat. “Okay, coo. We can get started once I’m done with my food. Sound good to you, Con?” you asked with a smile.

“Yeah, sure. I did make you the food, I fucking expect you to eat all of it, dammit!”

“I’m working on it,” you laughed.

TAGS: @saturdayschilddrivesmewild you told me to tag you and here you go bby ;)

Also, I’ll be gone for the next few days on a vacay with my family, so you won’t really hear from me from today, the 23rd, until Wednesday the 26th! I’ll be working on some stuff while I’m gone and I may upload some stuff, but not as frequent as I upload usually! I just wanted to get this out since the thought is fresh~! Hopefully I’ll have something cutesy with Michael to upload at some point in the next few days!

[jewelysmith]

Day 2 - Down Syndrome

At some point in the middle of the night, after dozing off a few times, a nurse came in and said she was going to take Eliana to give her a bath. She asked if I would like her to be in the nursery for an hour or so so I could sleep. I wasn’t too hesitant to tell her yes, I knew I needed some sleep. I woke up after what felt like longer than an hour, and I remembered that Nick or I were the only ones that were allowed to leave the nursery with our baby. So I got up and had to ask where the nursery was so I could go get her. When I got there, my nurse was already heading for the door and told me to wait a second because she was going to get the doctor. I waited around for a minute and when she got back, she let me go in to see her and explained that her oxygen had dropped while she was there. She was hooked up to monitors and they must have went off and she turned a little purple out of nowhere. THANK GOD she was there when this happened! Part of me wonders now if they really took her in there because they suspected something was wrong. They were holding a little oxygen thingy up to her face and said it went back up in just a minute or so. They said they wanted to send her to the NICU for just a bit to monitor her. Ok no big deal. I went back to my room and tried to rest again. She came back a while later and said she dropped again. I thought well shoot, ok good thing they’re gonna check her out at the NICU. We figured she’d probably be there for the afternoon, maybe one night.

After a little while a nurse showed us how to get up to the NICU to see her. Find this door, hit this button and say this, take this elevator, pick up this phone and tell them this number. Sign this here here and here, and sign in every time you come up. Her room was of course the farthest possible walk, the last room in the last hall. We saw her hooked up to a ton of different things. Oxygen, little monitor stickers on her belly, and an IV that would eventually move to lots of different places on her tiny little body. Nick was really bothered by them pricking her foot and getting blood. She usually took it like a champ, but when she didn’t that sad little cry was just too much.

I was exhausted and dealing with the burn of the stitches, the IV still in my arm, and the nurse coming in every hour to push on my belly. I at least got to experience the joy of the sent-from-heaven ice packs. Nick and I were just hanging out in our room when one of the neonatologists came in to talk to us, sometime late morning. He said he examined Eliana and she had some of the features of Down Syndrome. My heart sank, hard. I’ll never forget that feeling. He explained it was because of the creases in her hand and something about her feet. He said they were doing a genetics test on her chromosomes and we’d know the results for sure probably by Monday. I don’t know what else he said, but once he left I just started crying and looked at Nick like what do we do? He just told me that it would be ok and got pretty quiet.

When we had the option of getting testing done during pregnancy to see if there were chances of any abnormalities, we of course did the sweet Christian thing by saying “well it doesn’t matter if somethings wrong, we’ll love her and it doesn’t change anything!” We learned that you do love them just the same, but it does matter and changes nearly everything. What you’re actually thinking is, abnormalities are really rare and that won’t happen to us. I even asked our doctor after he had seen our ultrasound, so nothing looked abnormal? Everything is ok? And he said he saw nothing out of the ordinary. What I was really asking was, the baby doesn’t have any kind of crazy genetic disorder right? Couples our age have a 1% chance of having a baby with Down syndrome. Pretty good odds right?

So we of course started saying those same things. It’ll be ok, we’ll love her and everything will be fine. But then the worries started to sink in about her future, all the things she might not be able to do. Will she live with us for her entire life? How will people treat her? Don’t people with Down syndrome have a shorter life expectancy? It started to become overwhelming and my head started spinning. So I came up with all the reasons she can’t have Down Syndrome. These features could just be random and have nothing to do with her having it. Even though at the time I didn’t even know what all of the features were. I googled “hand crease in newborn premature.” Because I of course thought, maybe the creases just aren’t in her hands yet, she was 5 and a half weeks early. The main thing that popped out to me said “Palmar creases develop while the baby is growing in the womb, usually by the 12th week of gestation.” So that was busted, she was well past 12 weeks gestation. I decided to put my phone down and not look up anything else. I didn’t want to see anything else that could lead me to believe my baby had Down syndrome. I was dealing with denial while Nick was slowly falling apart and making himself sick with worry.

Shortly after getting the news that she was going to be tested, Megan Digger and Myah came to visit. There was no denying we were in a funk, so I told them about what the doctor said. Nick started crying saying he just didn’t think he could be a good dad to her. They of course assured us everything would be ok, and I think I just chimed in with “well, she might not even have it so we’ll see.” I didn’t want her to have it. I remember thinking, maybe God wants us to have this worry for a few days and then she won’t have it after all. I went up to visit her with Megan and Jessica, who had gotten there by then, and then Nick and Digger saw her. Nick had to leave once they started doing some tests on her and poking her with needles. That was the last time he saw her for maybe a day and a half.

We just stayed in our room for a while, not saying much. We would hear babies cry in rooms nearby, and I really hated it knowing that everyone else got to have their babies with them and we didn’t. I also realized how often that lullaby played, these nurses and doctors had to be sick of hearing that. I was trying to figure out how to use the breast pump, frustrated by all the pieces that I couldn’t put together and only getting one drop when I finally figured it out. They finally took out the IV and kept asking me about my pain. Physically, I really wasn’t in much pain at all. My biceps were starting to get sore from how hard I guess I pulled on those handle bars during labor. I was of course uncomfortable with the stitches and the bleeding, but that didn’t bother me nearly a much as thinking my daughter had Down syndrome. I was sick to my stomach, while Nick started throwing up periodically. We would cry together and I tried to be strong and tell him God knows what He is doing. If she has it, He knows we’ll be able to handle it. A big part of me though was just in denial and relying on the fact that she didn’t have it.

Sometime in the evening that first night she was in the NICU, Nick’s dad and step mom Sharon came to visit. We had one more spot left on our “visitors list” that we had saved for Brian. He could tell Nick was a hot mess though and gave his spot up to Sharon, a decision he later regretted. I took her up to see Eliana but I wasn’t planning to say anything to her about them testing her for Down syndrome. But it was all I could think about as I was holding Eliana’s little hand and looking for that single crease, but actually trying to not see it. An older lady came in the room and said she was the geneticist. I already knew what was coming and was not ready. She mentioned the Down syndrome factor and Sharon looked at Eliana like she was trying to see it. The geneticist started mentioning some of the features of Down syndrome, lots I hadn’t had any clue about, and asked me, “do you see all the features?” I was instantly mad at her. I didn’t want to see any of it so I really didn’t even look. She babbled on about what health problems she could potentially have in the future and I was pretty much silent. Heart problems, Leukemia, thyroid problems, and it went on and on. She said “I don’t think you’re ready to talk about this yet.” I told her no I wasn’t, that I wanted to have the results first. I remember thinking the exact words: “I’m just pretty sure she doesn’t have it.”

At some point, Nick told me when he first saw her he thought she looked like she had Down syndrome. I didn’t hesitate in telling him that I did too. And he asked me, you specifically thought Down syndrome? And I said yep. There was no denying those little eyes were different. But it was a thought I quickly pushed out of my mind. That couldn’t be the case. She was a preemie and just born, so I was sure her looks would change by he next day. Thoughts Nick said he had, too.

Something I should have included in her birth story: It was of course overwhelming to see Eliana for the first time, but I didn’t get to see her little face for a while. They sat her on me for just a minute, not long enough to get a good look. Then they sat her on the scale for a while where Nick had a good chance to check her out, the moment he said he noticed it. When they brought her back to me, they laid her on my chest for skin to skin time. I hugged her tight and I noticed her little hairy back and her attached earlobes. I was proud of the earlobes because mine are attached, too. I even remember saying, I haven’t gotten to see her face yet really. When I finally did, her eyes were the first thing that stuck out. They were different; I just didn’t recognize her. I felt distant, like is this actually my daughter? Given that she was born so unexpectedly, way before we were ready, Nick would ask me, “do you feel like this is someone else’s baby?” And I did, but for more reasons other than the shock of it all. I feel bad now for not instantly realizing how beautiful she is.

At some point I started to feel guilty about hoping so badly that she didn’t have Down syndrome. If she had it, I couldn’t be wishing away something about my brand new daughter. I’d have to find a way to embrace it, eventually.

[vibrant-goddess]

yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care

i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back

except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways

like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.

im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people

and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up

literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her

like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend 

and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude

god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans

like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.

im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink

and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question. 

i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.

im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.

[darklarru]

all of them. just fckin.. all of them. every single question. 1-100. good luck comrade.

fuck u, here it is:

1.      Is a kiss considered cheating?

-if theykiss a boy idm.

2.      Have you ever faked orgasm?

-yeahlmao

3.      If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

-shapeshifting

4.      Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?

-I fuckinhope so

5.      Tell us some funny drunk story.

-oh man,ive only been smashed once, and it was a night full of regrets and a lot ofcheating and gay stuff happened.

6.      Why are you no longer together with your ex?

-u knowwhat. fuck my ex, he was a manipulative cheating cunt and he broke up with meover snapchat.

7.      If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? 

-bathtuband sleeping pills, im out painlessly.

8.      What are your current goals?

-be asuccessful bitch and build myself up.

9.      Do you like someone?

-wheneverI think of feelings I take a shot so idk..

10.   Who was the last person to disappoint you?

-my ex.

11.   Do you like your body?

-eh imgetting there

12.   Can you keep a diet?

-no lmao

13.   If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?

-don’t discriminateagainst sex workers and treat them like actual people.

14.   Do you work?

-yep, gota retail job and everything.

15.   If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, whatwould it be?

-ayesalad, bc anything you cut up and put in a bowl is salad, so pizza salad, fruitsalad, ice cream salad, anything.

16.   Would you get a tattoo?

-hellyeah, im actually thinking about getting this floral one on my thigh, gottalike, tell my mum tho.

17.   Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?

-theperson I love,,

18.   Can you drive?

Ive onlyhad like, one driving test ever.

19.   When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?

-at therink on Friday? Someone said I was beautiful and that my ex didn’t deserve me:)

20.   What was the last thing you cried for?

-when I drinkI don’t cry, so ive been drinking a lot.

21.   Do you keep a journal?

-yep,serves as my receipts.

22.   Is life fun?

-ehhhhitll get there.

23.   Is farting in front of people irrelevant?

-I don’t reallycare, just warn me so I have time to get out of there.

24.   What’s your dream car?

-somethingI don’t have to use petrol for.

25.   Are grades in school important?

-justnail ur finals and ur good.

26.   Describe your crush.

-its tooearly homie

27.   What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?

-WONDERWOMAN HOLY SHIT A+

28.   What was your last lie?

-im fine

29.   Dumbest lie you ever told? 

-idk, I normallytell the truth, its such an effort to lie.

30.   Is crying in front of people embarrassing?

-no I doit all the time lmao

31.   Something you did and you are proud of?

-Teamedup with my Best Friend and Absolutely Called the shit out of my Ex out andfuckin roasted him.

32.   What’s your favourite cocktail?

-I haven’tdelved into cocktails too much yet, ive been drinking straight.

33.   Something you are good at?

-iceskating?? idk

34.   Do you like small kids?

-I hatekids so much

35.   How are you feeling right now?

-There

36.   What would you name your daughter/son?

-daughter:Lavender? Idk I just watched matilda and I was like what a pretty name, andboys: Christian?  

37.   What do you need to be happy?

-abillion dollars

38.   Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?

-my ex

39.   What was the last gift you received?

-does mycoworker buying everyone hot chocolates and frozen cokes during their shiftcount as a gift

40.   What was the last gift you gave?

-a fidgetcube?

41.   What was the last concert you went to?

-panic atthe disco in January :D

42.   Favourite place to shop at?

-ittotally was this gothic shop in Newtown, but then it moved and I don’t knowwhere it is anymore :/

43.   Who inspires you?

-myselfbitch

44.   How old were you when you first got drunk?

-18

45.   How old were you when you first got high?

-never

46.   When was your first kiss?

-when I was15? 16?

47.   Something you want to do until the end of this year?

-be amermaid, like fr, go follow mermaid_shelly on Instagram no joke.

48.   Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?

-dated myex

49.   Post a selfie.

-heres alink instead: http://darklarru.tumblr.com/post/161374174865/cat-cafe-aesthetic

50.   Who are you most comfortable around?

-my BestFriend

51.   Name one thing that terrifies you.

-to loseeverything I worked for

52.   What kind of books do you read?

-haventread a book in so long, but I like the fantasy genre

53.   What would you tell your 12 year old self?

-girl,girl, u gay as fuck

54.   What is your favourite flower?

-roses!!

55.   Any bad habits you have?

-speakingquietly

56.   What kind of people are you attracted to?

-peoplewho think the same as me

57.   What was the last thing you cried for?

-my ex :/

58.   Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?

-pickles,what r they doin, get outta here

59.   Are you in love?

-yeah imalways in love

60.   Something you find romantic?

-tealightcandles

61.   How long was your longest relationship? 

-like 3or 4 months

62.   What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?

-wereso,, bitchy.

63.   What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 

-they don’tknow what the fuck is up, they don’t listen, they always horny, theyre kindaviolent, theyre more hardcore and aggressive physically.

64.   What are you saving money for?

-anothermermaid tail,,, but also a house I guess

65.   How would you describe your bad side?

-emotional,angry, violent, temperamental, not thinking,, idk

66.   Are you actually a good person? Why?

-sometimesI guess, I try not to be shitty, but some people fuckin deserve it.

67.   What are you living for?

-a future

68.   Have you ever done anything illegal?

-probably

69.   Do you like your body?

-yeahsometimes

70.   Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?

-notunless we were fighting

71.   Ever sent nudes?

-whohasnt

72.   Have you ever cheated on someone?

-I cheatedon a guy with girl and I was very drunk, but then we said same sex cheating wasokay

73.   Favourite candy?

-redfrogs, gummy bears

74.   Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!

-imbarely on this hell site

75.   Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?

-adarkroomwas one of my Faves

76.   Favourite TV series?

-w.i.t.c.h.what a Classic

77.   Are you religious? Does God exist?

-yeah, imchill w god.

78.   What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?

-I haven’tread a book in so long yall.

79.   What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?

-kudos tothem who r doin it but I really love chicken.

80.   How long have you been on Tumblr?

-sinceyear 9, so like, 2013

81.   Do you like Chineese food?

-I am Chinese

82.   McDonalds or Subway?

-subwayyyy

83.   Vodka or whiskey?

-fuuuuuuck,,,fucking love vodka but it makes my face screw up in a bad expression, and I lovefireball whiskey, but like, vodka gets me fucked up faster.

84.   Alcohol or drugs?

-alcohol,don’t do drugs kids

85.   Ever been out of your province/state/country?

-ya

86.   Meaning behind your blog name?

-I lovetypos

87.   What gets you up in the morning?

-spite.

88.   What are you scared of?

-a lot ofthings

89.   Last time you were insulted?

-wednesday

90.   Most traumatic experience ?

-my bf atthe time, was fuckin, chewin his toenails in his mouth, and I forgot bc he wasbein sweet n he stuck his tongue out to touch mine, n I stuck mine out too n I fuckni,,.,,,. touched the toenail w my mouth I nearly threw up, I felt my soul ejectfrom my body for a second.

91.   Perfect date idea?

-picnicdaate, and watching the stars and cuddling

92.   Favourite app on your phone?

-instagram?I check it the most.

93.   What colour are the walls in your room?

-white

94.   Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?

-daviddobrik tbh

95.   Share your favourite quote.

-ifsomeone tells you that they hurt you, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.

96.   What is the meaning of life?

-when thestreets are empty and the moon is shining and nobody is awake and its chilly,but your alone and maybe the wind is blowing through the grass, or whatever.

97.   Do you like horror movies?

-fuck nah

98.   Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?

-I signedup for Netflix and didn’t tell her.

99.   Do you feel lucky or special in a way?

-I amspecial

100. Can you keep a secret?

-ya justmake sure u tell me its important.

[christianmarkchristian]

N A K E D in H O L L Y W O O D

my autobiography, to be published daily or weekly,  AS IT IS WRITTEN. 

BEYOND SELF PUBLISHING: this is a 100% OPEN BOOK PROJECT 

-where I publish (share) AS (not after) I write, allowing readers to experience not just an autobiography but the experience of WRITING the autobiograpy as well.

on TUMBLR will be the BOOK in progress and eventualy, finished.

on FACEBOOK will be daily or weekly chapters/installments.

____________________________________________________________

PART 1

WHY WRITE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY? Of course, its about the life of Christian Mark Christian but I intend to go into deeper themes as well:

1. God. If you are averse to God or Judaeo-Christian concepts about God, I hope you will not be “put off” by occasional references I will have to make in the course of remembering my life. My plan is not to be IN YOUR FACE about God but spiritual seeking has always been a huge part of my life and to omit this part would be to make the whole story a big lie.

2. VALUE - how we value our lives and our identity is critical to me and my development as a man. There is a fine line between thinking we are “so great that someone needs to write a book about us” and “our lives dont matter.” I have struggled GREATLY my whole life with feelings that my life isnt important, that I dont matter, that Ive been rejected and abandoned. Writing this will be the greatest therapy I can imagine. Writing this is telling myself, reminding myself, that I AM IMPORTANT and SO ARE YOU. 

3. Autobiography in the age of Interactivity. I’m not sure how many projects like this have been published online or in print but the thought occured to me that an autobiography can be, for the first time in history, more than a “book;” it can be an interactive EXPERIENCE. I can include links in my writing that take the reder to the places I am referencing. 

4. “To know is to love.” Honestly one thing that has always frustrated and disappointed me is that I feel like many or even MOST people “dont get me.” 

Too often I hear the word “weird” to describe me, when I would prefer to hear “unique” or “unusual.” I really am not even a fan of the word “eccentric.” 

Was Steve Jobs “weird?” Was Van Gogh “weird.”? Is Elon Musk “weird?” 

My feeling is that “weird” is considered a negative connotation or description, one I do not want and one that is hurtful when used to describe me. I dont feel like anyone who really knows me would ever call me “weird.” So,one huge function of this book is to eradicate the word “weird” as a description of Christian Mark Christian, once and for all and replace it with UNIQUE or RARE.  

Yeah, through no choice of my own, I’ve endured some things that are not typical of most lives. 

My dad’s suicide and that, co-inciding with the loss, at the same time, (divorce) of my Step-Dad. 

Millions have lost a Dad or a step dad through divorce or suicide but not as many have suffered both losses in the same year. 

Genius level IQ at age 7. 

Grew up around the world. 

Shared a 2-bedroom apartment with my Mom, until I got married at age 44.

Living with my ex-wife in an apartment in Hollywood, in an effort to heal and reconcile. 

Yeah-these are not typical of todays American “man”. I’m not “proud” of these things; nor am I ashamed of these things; I never planned on my life going the way it did. 

Regardless-when I became a Christian, at age 36,when I was “Born again,” I Iearned that God (if you choose to believe) “makes all things new” and “uses everything-even negative things, for eventual and ultimate good.” 

Regardless of the pain and tragedy I’d experienced, I was taught that it would all be used in a positive way, in time. 

Maybe this BOOK is that “positive way.” Maybe some who can relate will get a degree of emotional healing by reading; thats certainly my hope. 

But “to know is to Love.” I feel confident that many of my friends, in reading this book, will get to know me much better and in that, will be able to love me more. And who doesnt want to be loved.... and loved some more?

____________________________________________________________

part I

I was a second and final son, born seven years after my brother, into a USAF family, in Altus, Oklahoma. WWII was far enough behind but had left scars on my pilot Dad's psyche.

James (Jim) Charles Ralph, my Dad, dreamed of being an artist/illustrator for Foote, Cone & Belding, a top advertising agency. His creative dreams were cut short when the US let go of an isolationist foreign policy, geared up for war and he was drafted as a 19 year old, into the skies over his ancestral homeland (Germany.) 

As I understand it, Pearl Harbor "woke" us to the need to become involved again in foreign wars. Isolationist foreign policy would become a relic of the past; we quickly entered a war on several continents. 

Dad had grown up in Glendale, CA. a suburb that has since become a major Armenian cultural enclave in L.A. Ironic that I sit here typing this around eighty years later--a few miles west in another little enclave (part of Hollywood) officially called "Little Armenia." It really shows me that the themes and threads and patterns of life are stronger than we might think. In my case, I’ve been told that  the Apple hasnt fallen far from the tree.”

Armenia was, historically, the first place in the world where the name "Christian" was used to denote a follower of Christ. My primary care physician is Armenian and I am friends with several Armenians, so there seems to be a connection here, maybe one that will be explored in more depth as I write this...

-or maybe not.

The marriage was tempestuous. Jim, returning from the war and stationed at McDill AFB in Tampa, was driving a convertible and, the story goes, saw my Mom, Terry-a pretty young teen who modeled fashions for a local Department store. He was a handsome "flyer" or "Airman" and she fell for him, unaware of a Church background that would eventually drive a wedge between her his family.

  My paternal Grandmother, Carolyn Care, was a devout "Christian Scientist” as my Aunt still is, at age 90-something.

She would insist that my Mom, who was a typical American mainstream Protestant Christian, submit to her and the Churches doctrine. "Science" is about the idea that all things are merely the projection of "mind" and that evil or sickness cant exist unless we agree with it and "project" it (wrongful thinking) on ourselves. I always questioned this growing up. Even at a young age, I sensed something about it I had trouble with. Later, as an adult who accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior through various “Word of Faith” ministries, I saw that there was at least partial truths in “Science” even though I still could not follow Mary Baker Eddy’s doctrine in it’s entirety.

Apparently, several months pregnant with me, my Mom contracted pnuemonia or a similar ailment. Carolyn insisted that Terry not see the physician at the Altus Air Force base hospital but turn to a "Christian Science" practitioner instead. Rebelling finally, my Mom went to see the doctor at the base. He supposedly told her that, had she waited even another day, she might have lost the baby (me.) 

Only a few years later, at a Base in San Antonio, Texas, the troubled marriage fell apart with my Mom falling in love with my Pediatrician. I had asthma, most likely something that was brought on by the stress of my parents troubled marriage and she routinely brought me to see him at the base. Regardless of whether I chose to make these things a focus or no

t, they did shape who I choose to be today. I was raised from age 6-7 to 18, by a Pediatrician step-Dad (with my Mom) but my Paternal families Christian Science also had a strong influence on my thinking. 

It was an incredible duality and one I'm doubtful that many (or any?) others have experienced: a parental control and influence struggle between the ideals of Big pharm/modern medicine and "christian science," between the medical establishment and the "alternative healing" movements that originated in Christian metaphysical camps in19th century America.

Today, Health Care is probably the biggest debate in America. And the debate rages around the same two poles- alternative healing vs traditional medicine. Having deep experiential knowledge of both, puts me in a very unique position. Seeking, finding and practicing right doctrine ("righteousness") is central to my life and you can see why: wrong doctrine might have aborted me before I was born. RIght doctrine might have saved my life. The truth about God, his Love and his healing power, is not just "armchair theology" or something I engage in on special Holidays; its always at the core of every decision I make, every day of my life.

PART II

After surviving my Moms sickness and coming into this world as "Mark James Ralph," my first memory of infancy comes from our two story home in Cambridge, UK. where we moved when I was about 2?

My Dad was stationed at Alconbury AFB, about 25 miles away from Cambridge. I actually remember climbing out of my 2nd floor crib and crawling down the stairs, into the living area where my parents and 8 or 9 yr old brother were gathered!

Eventually I started walking and my best friend, a Brit, Andrew lived across the street.

We lived near open land where some Cows lived. I remember a Harvester machine that was called a “Combine” for some reason that I dont know.  I guess seeing it up close-the machinery, the complexity, the sheer power. The blades and the wheat being “threshed”. -All biblical themes, impressed me greatly...

We lived in a suburb of Cambridge, near some farmland and near a stand of trees called "the woods." 

My first "naked" (sexual) experiences were in Cambridge. I saw a male cow on the other side of the fence I was standing by, attempting to mate, jump up on top of a female cow. I was only a few feet away, on the other side of the fence--what the male cow did was so sudden, so unexpected and seemed -I dont have the word for it- not "brutal" (because it was "love" but invloved thousands of pounds of weight and muscle that could have killed a small child had I been involved!) but maybe just “alarming.” I was only about 4 or 5.

Now I’m going to bring up some very personal, private things that most people only reveal to their therapist. They may or may not end up in the final edit however I feel obligated, because of the name of the book-obligated to include them here...

I also initiated a "curious" childhood intimate encounter with Andrew in my bathroom at that time. I mention this only to bring up the topic of gay indocrination. I have no idea why, to this day but this "gay" encounter did not result in my growing up gay.

A few years later, in Wichita Falls, Texas, I initiated another "curious" encounter with a girl my age. We knelt down beside the wheel well of a car in the parking lot of our Apt complex, "TheTimbers" in the dark, at night, where I lifted her skirt to investigate her private parts.

She seemed to go along with it; at least there were no protests, as there had been none with Andrew. Apparently, I preferred the "female" more than the male because I never again had a sexual encounter with a male. Interesting that I remember Andrews name but not the girls name! Is this kind of thing just wired into our DNA? I think so.

I'm not sure what this says about the "born gay" issue but there it is... The result (I think) of these encounters, was this: even as a very young child, I had strong sexual urges which I had no trouble acting on when the opportunity arose. I dont remember sexual feelings ever becoming obsessive ( a good thing) but they were for sure there.

On another note, I remember walking off with Andrew (I think) into the local "woods." Woods is a cool name that has returned as the Church (M O S A I C) I attend locally uses the word in place of "Hollywood." They have several Campuses and use the term "The Woods" for the Hollywood Campus.

Andrew and I apparently, around age 4-5? decided to go on a hike into the woods one day, without telling anyone. My parents (not sure about his) were pretty upset. When I returned, they were happy I was safe. I never did anything so "adventurous" again. I think that was because I didnt want my parents to be so stressed.

I also remember a somewhat traumatic event around the time I was in my crib: my brother had caught a minnow, in a local stream. He had kept it in a jar aqaurium placed on my windowsill. The disturbing thing was that the fish jumped out of its "cage" (the jar) one day and out the window, falling two stories to its death on the concrete (or something hard) surface below.

By age 4 or 5, I had already seen and/or experienced both sex and death. Hollywood, here I (decades later) came.  

Part III

Ahhh, England. I have such fond memories of the years I spent there as a child-truly formative years and I am so deeply thankful that my formative years were spent there. To my best recollection, I spent my 2nd, 3rd and 4th years in Cambridge. 

When I began to speak (at a precocious young age) I spoke with an English accent. I remember my Mom dropping me off at "Shrubbery School" for the first time and the fear of abandonment I felt.I remember my first teacher, a wonderful Lady named "Mrs Clark" and how I related that to a candy bar that existed around that time, known as a "Clark Bar." 

My Mom dropped my off in our English Sports car-I think it was red, a "Sunbeam Alpine." That car was shipped all the way to Texas eventually and my Mom kept it even through her divorcing my Dad. Cambridge was rich with experience and wonder. I cant imagine a more perfect place for my early years and it left a deep appreciation for Brits in my soul, still there to this day. I would go so far as to even call myself an "Anglophile."

At school, we memorized the multiplication tables and began to learn the alphabet-at age 4! When we moved to San Antonio, TX, -when I was five-the school system there wanted to place me in Kindergarten! 

Thank god for the Mt Olive Lutheran School (off the 410 "loop") -where my parents eventually enrolled me. They were still not as advanced as Shrubbery School back in Cambridge, did but at least a better option than public schools.

My mind is flooded with lush beautiful imagery from Cambridge: 

-my Mom riding horseback in the countryside with her Horse riding club 

(and how later that might have played a factor in two girls I was attracted to and a novel "Diana" that affected me deeply in my teens) 

-My brother Christopher playing "conker" with Chestnuts tied to sholeaces! (only the brits would devise a game like this!)

-My brother relating a Jaguar or some other sports car "flying" by his school at some increditble speed. The drama and awe with which he related this formed in me an early apprecation for fast cars,one which has continued to this day.

The "punts" on the Cam river and the gorgeous Colleges in Cambridge, that all seemed to be named after Jesus or Mary! 

When I hear Christians acting as though the intellect isnt important now, I cringe. Cambridge was the birthplace of intellectualism and Christian thought. C.S. Lewis lived and worked there. Christianity is the most advanced culture of philosophy and Academic systems. The fact that atheism largely eradicated these roots  in the 20th Century is a very sad thing indeed and something I hope my life can be part of reversing. For Centuries, being a Christian and being an intellectual, a thinker, were synonomous. While I appreciate experiential knowledge and mysticism, lets not throw out suc a glorious inheritance so easily.

."http://histclo.com/country/eng/pe/pe60johnsc.html

NOTES for more stories to come: 1. B-day in St Tropez, the large round tray of raosted nuts, possible topless female sunbathers. The back seat of the VW bug, winding through the mountains in South of France, then LifeCycling through the area as an adult working out "Spinning" Berchtesgarden, the Bus, the rock thrown down the cliff into the forest, the rock that broke something...My brother and the Jaguar going 100. Shrubbery School, the rubbish can, "conquer" nut game with chestnuts. My brothers weird hobby of using sewing kits to lower things out hotel windows, then later doing the same to recover bottle caps in San Antonio. The possibility of this project being a catalyst for restoring my relationship with my brother and even step-Dad. How God restores family. The "punts" on the river Cam, Wimpy Burges and Brits eating burgers with knife and fork. How I envisined "the states" and in my mind saw a Giant "steak. The pass-through window-a first architectural design feature. My first bike, how I copied Andrew and the bike had front wheel brakes, how we'd ride around the block. Snow, and my first snowman, snowball fights.going w my family into some woods where my Dad chopped down a Christmas tree. First Christmas's. Alconbury AFB, the hangar. I was impressed and it made my Dad look so cool. I felt bad that he had to drive 25 miles, that seemed so far. Our trips to London. FIsh & Chips. Sightseeing, the trains. The White cliffs of Dover. My favorite TV show about the creatures that lived on the banks fo the river.

Highlights of a life well and not so well, lived:                        

Lived in or visited: the UK, Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium, Texas, MS, NorCal, FLA, DC, Virginia, West VA, New Orleans, AZ, New Mexico, Austria, Switzerland, Denmark, France. HIGHLIGHTS:

Celebrated my 4th B-day in the South of France. Crossed the English Channel age, 12 on a Hover craft

Visited (Hitler’s lair in Berchtesgarden) age 4.

Visited Monticello (Jefferson’s home) age 4

Crossed the Atlantic in a commercial Airliner several times, aged 4-14.

Skied in the Swiss Alps and Lake Tahoe, age 10-12.

Lived in a Penthouse on the Rhine river, age 11-12.

Rode the train from Wiesbaden to Stuttgart, Germany age 12.

Visited Castles on the Rhine river, age 11-13.

Flew, as 10 yr old passenger, in a small Cessna, from San Diego to Tampa.

Rode or drove from the South or Texas, to CA, several times age 10-30’s.

Crossed the Pacific (Hawaii) as an adult.Vacationed in Maui, Palm Springs, Santa Barbara, Switzerland, The Netherlands, London, Paris.

Attended several F1 “Grand Prix” races around Europe and Long Beach, CA and Autosports events, age 8-12, Around America. Won several non-pro autosports trophies, age 20-22. Won #1 Singles (Tennis) MVP Trophy in High School, age 18.  

Got to State Finals on HS Tennis team age 18.

Won several 1st place ribbons in Biloxi, MS Art Shows, age 17.

Was offered Art Scholarship to Ole Miss University, age 18.

Paid $5000 to write a Greek Comedy movie script (Middle Age)

Twice paid $5000 to paint oil portraits (Middle Age)

Starred in a Prime Time major News Network Reality Show (one episode) (Middle Age)

Enjoyed hundreds of hikes in Griffith Park and other local trails. (Middle Age)

Had two jobs as live-in Private Chef in a $1.5M luxury Homes (Middle Age) in the Hills, in L.A.

Was hired by Ben Affleck, given my own trailer and worked on an Oscar winning film (ARGO, as on-camera hand double/sketch artist) Middle Age. As a visionary: saw self driving cars, in 2002, mobile hands free phones in 1995, “Gravity” script, in the 1980’s, MTV music videos, at age 12, years before MTV, the Hyperloop in 1995. Written 12 feature film “spec” scripts (Young-Middle Age) Married 11 years, divorced and re-established financial trust with my ex wife, now close friends and writing partners with her. Have experienced total melt-down/destruction of a marriage and the total rebuilding of that friendship. Have been friends with a few celebs. (actors, singers) Partied in Hollywood clubs and luxury homes, all over Los Angeles, hundreds of times. 25--Middle age Attended numerous Pop Music or Rock concerts at almost every venue all over Los Angeles. Age 12-Middle Age Interviewed on a West L.A. Sound stage, along with 5 of my paintings, for a SHOWTIME 35 mm film doc on Marilyn Monroe that Premiered at the Palm Springs Int. Film Festival, age-30’sAttended the Premiere of that Film, in Palm Springs, where I enjoyed minor, fleeting celebrity status.My art appeared once, in PEOPLE magazine.

30’sI enjoyed backstage at a MOODY BLUES concert at Universal Amphitheater.

20’sI had a Publicist for my Art -30’s.

I’ve had front-row box seats at the Hollywood Bowl. Middle AgeI

met the Great-grandson of the founder of Hollywood. Middle age

I’ve visited or worked on, every major studio lot in Los Angeles and Hollywood. Young-Middle AgeI’ve enjoyed beaches in Maui, Los Angeles, Northern California, Mississippi, Florida and The Netherlands. 4-Middle Age I attempted to surf in Malibu. 20’s Been to Art Museums all over the world, including numerous visits to the Getty in Brentwood. 4-Middle Age Helped my architect brother flip homes many times in Los Angeles. 20’sDesigned many residences as an Architecture student/aspiring architect, in High School. Designed and contracted a hip, post-modern Silver Lake Laundry to Bathroom conversion, in budget. Middle Age Enjoyed hundreds of great shoulder/full body/foot massages Young-Middle age Swam in secluded pools on Maui -Middle AgeHad amazing revelatory spiritual experiences as a Christian 20’s-Middle Age. Attended/Worshipped Jesus at almost 20 different Church locations all over Los Angeles over 1000 times since 1993. Studied every major religion in depth 20’s-Middle Age. Sold almost 200 original paintings. 20’s Middle Age Had several one-man shows at Cacao, a popular West L.A. Coffee shop, owned by the Designer of iconic BigFoot Lodge in Atwater Village. 30’sCurated several group shows at Cacao. 30’s Participated in several ground breaking group show/parties at the infamous Black Cat Gallery in Mar Vista. Middle Age Been paid as: Photographer, Designer, Contractor, Writer, Musician, Oil Portraitist, Organizer and Chef. 12-Middle Age Worked on almost 200 professional movie, TV or commercial sets in a variety of positions. Middle Age Written, Directed and Produced several low budget short films and/or videos. Middle Age Created authentic food from many international cuisines. 30’s Middle Age Enjoyed about $5000-$10,000 in the finest restaurant cuisine in L.A., New Orleans, Germany, the Netherlands and France. 4-Middle age Briefly co-owned, with my then-wife, a catering company which catered several events. Middle Age Briefly co-owned, with a friend, a failed Hollywood event company. Middle Age.

[atomickrakatoa]

Episode 6 - "It is then that I realize all those years of buying him chicken nuggets has paid off." - Trixie

Colin

OMG NO NOT NIC WHY Literally the only person I actually trusted from the original villains tribe and he's gone fuck. Now I gotta find new allies. I'm gonna start working on Liana more and also talk more to Bryce. He's really nice and we bonded during immunity. I also am gonna keep my ties to the giant Nicholas/Dana/Trixie/blah/blah/blah premade just to keep myself safe. I don't want to go far with them by any means but they're good to keep around because they will keep me safe as long as they can I think. Also fuck Survivor Jeopardy. I love jeopardy but fuck survivor. That is all. Goodnight. 

Bryan

Ok so that vote went perfectly! I didn’t have to use my idol. There were no votes cast against me as well! Poor Willa is gonna wake up and think wtf happened. Trixie is now a close ally to me and Christian as well! I’m still keeping my eye on her tho. She is a very good player so I will not be letting my guard down. Hopefully our tribe will win immunity tho! 

VL DR: tribal jeopardy is darksided and that is the truth and nothing but the truth 

QuilLynn

I villain just got taken out on a tribe with minority heroes, woo! It gives me hope for me and Bryce if we ever have to face a tribal with our tribe. I'm excited for jeopardy, but worried that if I play and lose it for my team (big possibility) I could be in danger, so I might not volunteer to play, but I'm excited to watch either way, I'm sure it's going to be a great comp! 

Colin

I haven't found anything useful since I found that senja idol that one time BUT! Your fave gay just found a cute, fashionable, one-of-a-kind accessory! I found this cute ass shell in the east lagoon and I'm gonna wear it as a necklace for the rest the season uwu. It does nothing but look cute. Kinda like me. yeah that just sums up how exciting my game has been the past few rounds. bye.

Nicholas

quillynn von ghina is the WORST DRAG QUEEN EVER!!!

**Senja and Malam win immunity**

Bryan

Well that sure was something huh? Anyways. AAAAHHH THESE LAGOON SEARCHES ARE FINALLY MAKING SENSE! I FIGURED OUT THE ROCKS! I just hope I’m right about the loud noise being the mountain and not something else and having to search for that then. 

Bryce

Losing immunity is always rough but we gave it our best shot! Somehow I think Zachary Rae should go home :/ !! But I think my current plan is to work with Quillynn and Nicholas and just survive this round. Me and Quillynn are basically trying to find anyone to be a 3rd and give us majority lol so I hope it will pay off. Ive barely spoken to anyone tho so its awk I didnt even message Liana until yesterday. But I feel confident in surviving a little bit I guess

QuilLynn

So we ended up losing immunity and lbr it was my terrible jeopardy skills that caused that so um yikes!! I think i'm definitely in danger of going home, I'm one of two heroes and I lost the challenge for our tribe also, have never messaged Liana yet so.. thats not good! Nicholas is my friend, but he's also a villain and a snake so putting faith in him to vote to keep me? not a cute look! Also I love Bryce, but I can see him voting me out just to save himself, I mean I hope he wouldn't do it, but I understand that he potentially could. I know I'm going to feel awful if I go home this round and I just really hope that doesn't happen.

Chips

Alright, so we had an auction where I was hoping to win Chips and Dip because it is a reference to my name. And that's cute - also they can be tasty depending on the kind of dip. I like to eat salsa or cheese dip. Not really so much guacamole because usually they mix it with onions and I have super negative reactions to onion like getting migraines and tossing my cookies. They wouldn't let up in bidding all of their money on the chips and dip so I ended up with running shoes instead. I am glad to replace my shoes with the one that were given to me by production because they were getting raggedy with me running around the island looking for stuff... even though I never do. They're raggedy anyway. So the auction was also a trick of sorts where they assigned the items you could win to tribes so that whatever you won equaled a new tribe for a swap. And so I got swapped onto the tribe that I was already inhabiting - making me solidly the role of a hero^2. https://78.media.tumblr.com/7d1a5d1c5e57899b572bc46a1f20d7ce/tumblr_ohi0x1vidX1vn1j1jo3_250.gif Swapping onto my tribe are Zach and Dana! And staying with me are Jay and Kelsey. Here's the rundown of how I feel about this - I'd like to work with Zach or Dana but they are likely already working together and if they weren't then this swap will make it more likely in that they are two villains amongst three heroes. I need to decide whether to try and scoop them up with Jay or Kelsey or to join with Jay and Kelsey in voting one of them off. I'm not sure at the moment which direction I want to go so I'm just socializing with everyone and keeping my options open. https://m.popkey.co/4bc560/QLJpy_s-200x150.gif So the next challenge was the stay up forever challenge where you shoot darts at people and me and Zach were the last standing of our tribe! Which I think hopefully makes me look like a good contributor and worth working in the game with? I dunno - I hope that's true... at any rate we didn't lose and the other tribe did with their player getting bored/tired/accepting their fate. That player was Nic and he got voted out at the following tribal council so it's kind of an awful position for him to be in. I mean, being the last around whenever no one else was there to pull it out for him! Anyway... that's all I have to say about that, because that's all there is. http://31.media.tumblr.com/d5a54fcf6460728f38b397226b628289/tumblr_mmd9ltjQs11r6xbv8o1_250.gif --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Next round we have to play Jeopardy and then Logan did this thing where he scheduled it at times where I can't play so I get to do the fun thing where I can't show up and can't bond with all of my new friends... which is okay, but also sad. We won immunity by blowing the other teams out of the water which is surprising because I swear Jeopardy is usually very close... Hm? At any rate! I love immunity so I don't have to worry about who to vote out! https://media.giphy.com/media/4bWWKmUnn5E4/giphy.gif Guess I need to go back to socializing. Or also search since I still need to use my extra run with my shoes.

Willa

If we lose immunity and Trixie votes me off I've been a victim of cyber bullying 

Colin

ok so obv us going to tribal isn't.... ideal.... but Survivor is about adaptability!!! I can make it work. I got a plan. So I think on my tribe I like Bryce the most. I get good vibes from him, he has Dua Lipa as a pfp, whats not to like. SO I wanna set an alliance type thing with him into motion. I think the obvious plan on our tribe is going to be voting out Liana. But I don't wanna do that. She was close to Nic, I was close to Nic, and she makes an excellent goat. Merge is probably in the next 2 or 3 rounds, and having another number around is essential. That leaves two potential targets for me. Quil and Nicholas. This is gonna sound crazy but hear me out. They're part of the huge premade that I mention all the time, and every member of that premade is still in. And merge is comin' soon!! That's gonna be a nearly unstoppable force if it's still intact during the merge. It's too late in the game to take out easy targets. We gotta think bigger!! I'll update y'all as soon as I can xoxo

Later...

okay so y'all know how I can never keep my god damn mouth shut right? WELL THAT JUST ACTUALLY WORKED OUT FOR ME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. I was talking to Quil about the vote and then??? he brings up the possibility of voting out Nich??? and bitch im SHOOK. So I start talking to him  and it turns out he doesn't wanna be associated with that friend group at all and he is 100% down for tearing down the premade. WHEW, this is honestly perfect. It's a backup in case Bryce isn't on board, and if leaves less room for bad blood for when Nicholas is taken out tonight. I'm so so so happy this worked out whew. That's one less premade member for when the merge hits, and one more ally for me. I really respect Quil for being able to play on his own, and I feel like after just that small conversation I trust him a million percent. Tonight is gonna be fun ladies!

Zach

yeah i won immunity.. that's right. all me. im also bitter that my idol i found today was not for my tribe. wtf??? rude! leaving me to DIE WITHOUT TWO IDOLS? what kind of sorcery. anyway i gave it to trixie for obvious reasons, and ideally idk what to do now. i dont trust dana.

Trixie

Trixie’s Almost-Tragic Tribal Council: So once we swapped, I suggested to nic that since villains have majority we should make an alliance, and nic set up a group with willa and i. Then, we lost the challenge and everything went to YIKES.

Willa and nic were saying to vote christian, which was fine by me, except I had a sneaking suspicion that nic was going to flip with the heroes and take me out. I went to willa and he didn’t seem to care/believe me: cue my freakout. I called bryan and he confirmed that nic had went to him with everything, and that I was the target because I had “friends on the other tribes”. 

So, I knew immediately I had to call the pest control because we got ourselves a snake problem! I talked to christian and said that nic would be the better vote because he’s super shady, and she agreed. I also dropped some stuff that hopefully she would tell bryan cus I knew they were aligned, like how much i trust him, and how nic is just trying to play both sides.

Moral of the story: anybody with the name and or variant of “nic” is a snake. Bye.

Later...

So i’ve been looking for this idol for DAYS. I got chased by a beastly komodo dragon that kind of looked like dana, except a lot cuter and less flaky scaly skin. Anyway, I was really feeling this idol search desperation last tribal but I managed to flip the target from me to nic. But I almost exhausted all possible searches in the east lagoon and then suddenly, I get a message.

A message from the heavenly gods up in the clouds. I remember it clearly: the sun is a beautiful shining rae, the fluffy white clouds part to reveal an angel descending from the skies, holding the most magical item in the world. I am on the ground, a meekly dumb furby staring up stupidly to the skies, watching this divine being. He gifts me an idol and I know now that the angel is zachary rae. It is then that I realize all those years of buying him chicken nuggets has paid off. Thanks filmy lav you xx.

Kelsey

Well good golly Miss Molly, safety first~! It feels great to have immunity once again on this island. Top ten is slowly and slowly becoming more and more real and...it just...I can't believe I'm so close! Back in the reunion of my old season, I remember Jackson saying he underestimated me and I remember telling him to BUG OFF, but now...now, if this keeps up, I may be a true contender to snatch the crown~! I just have to keep PRAYING that these challenges will rely on those with strong physical acumen because if there are ever one on one face offs again, I'm not too sure that can take me to the end. In terms of voting off hookers, I...am still rather nervous about going to a tribal. I still haven't been able to get Chips and Jay in the same room as each other and time's running short because I can just FEEL we're going to have to vote someone eventually. I could always try and throw my lot with Dana and Zachary, but who's to say those two are on good terms? Even more so, what if there's one of each tribe speaking with another? It would be entirely and utterly scary and...I don't even know where to begin in terms of sifting out who is who. I just hope i make it further, goodness KNOWS I deserve it! And THAT'S all there is to it~! Stream Reputation on Spotify Now! -Kelsey V Mikaelson #TeamIBelieveInYall #TeamBEES

Christian

Thank god trixie won the 5% challenge advantage, because I really wasn't looking forward going to tribal again. I think her and I are pretty solid. So if we did have to attend another tribal, her, Bryan, and I would vote Willa out. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me lol, unless I'm reading it wrong. 

Liana

It took too long to get on a tribe with Chris and I'm tired so I'm probably getting voted out because I'd rather sleep than talk to strangers.

Jay

So Dana and I straight up crush Jeopardy lol we got 3k and the others got 600. Not to brag but im kinda awesome at trivia :)

[apsbicepstraining]

The Evaluators: To Trade With Aliens, You Must Accommodate

CogNet init: Paul SRINIVASAN

Recip: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Datime: 2206.12.15.16: 45

[ Optimized by CogNet !]

Thandi, the commission on human rights referendums Tuesday. The teams disappearance isnt the main issue, but I dont like how theyre hasten this. Facilitate me out here, OK? Off the record.

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

So tell me how that billable hours thought works for you lawyers. Because I might, I dont know, actually have a chore of my own.

Thread reply from Paul SRINIVASAN

Please! [ Conceptual embed with caption: man bowing with sides pressed together] What do you want? Dinner? Vacation? Hours of mind-bending sex? Because I would do that for you, Thandi. No relinquish is too great.

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

You already told me you let your Spermicept patch expire. Stand the blaze away from me. What happened to Weis personal logs?

Thread reply from Paul SRINIVASAN

Gremlins? The slowdown is reasonably severe for this missiontwo years. Not enough black hole for a better communicate, or something like that. Ill see if I can find them. So, they snack her, right? They absolutely ate her.

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

No. I dont think they devour her.

Recall transcript, WEI Aihua

Meeting with neighbourhood Influential 1

Datime 2204.1.22.10: 10

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ All sensory recall except auditory muffled to aid lightstreaming .]

So what would you like to know, evaluator?

Tell me more of your parties, Adoration China.

If you dont mind, would you call me Aihua, delight?

Oh? Your aide be pointed out that your figures sometimes have meaning.

Yes, but [ laughter] That doesnt mean we like those meanings.

N. K. Jemisin

About

N. K. Jemisins speculative fiction has been nominated for the Hugo, the Nebula, and the World Fantasy Award. The first book in her Broken Earth trilogy, The Fifth Season, won the 2016 Hugo Award for Best Novel . The Stone Sky, the third largest notebook in the serial, comes out this August .

Ah. Please forgive, Aihua. Your expression still confuses.

Im stunned by your facility with my own language, actually.

We become aware of First Contact team.

Yes, but weve had just as much time to learn your language, and well. [ WEI caption: Here I attempt to speak in Manka C. The Manka word for modification translates inadequately. Its implication is more like submission? fitness ?] We am still terrifying/ poor at adaptation.

[ RATCHETING SOUND. WEI CAPTION: MANKA LAUGHTER. THANKFULLY HE RETURNS THE CONVERSATION TO ENGLISH .] It is true, you do not adapt quick as we. But that is expected. You are not evaluators.

Ah, yes. Since you mentioned that, if I may askwhat exactly is your role? Ive asked Hashish, the nurturer whos been evidencing me around, but it was unclear.

I am evaluator.

But what does that intend? What do you assess?

Everything. Parties. World.

For what purpose?

[ SILENCE FOR 2.5 SECONDS] I do not understand, Aihua.

On my world, beings evaluate procedures, achievements. For the purpose of improving them.

Yes. Improvement. Adaptation. Same with us.

I see?

You do not.

Sorry, I

It takes time for beings so different to accommodate. You do well. No is necessary to fear.

Thank you. Ouch!

The shells of [ RECALL BLUR. WEI CAPTION: LOCAL DELICACY, UNPRONOUNCEABLE] are sharp. You are disabled? Shall I summon humans?

No, Im fine, itll stop in a minute. Could you give me something toyes, thank you. Most of your biologicals are innocuous to us, and vice versa. I just hate that Im bleeding on this lovely cloth.

It is unimportant. More?

Yes, delight, its yummy. Youre an good cook.

[ Auditory recall ends. Interpret gustatory reminisce, 2204.1.22.10: 15, for renewal .]

Team Clog of TE Mission, Dar-Mankana

Post by WEI AihuaPublic

Datime 2204.1.20.19: 30

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

My first professor in sapio told me never to Earthropomorphize xenospecies, but the first thing that leapt into my thought when I met them was that the Manka look like upright cheetahs( cheetae ?). Males and females are indistinguishable to my attentions, lean and deep-chested, while nurturers, the third largest fornication, are noticeably more muscular and squarely improved. I pride myself in that my subconscious at least selected a predatory Earth analogue, which should deter me from loosening my protect too much.

Comment from WANG

Its simply cheetahs. And you have three PhDs?

Comment from WEI

None of them are in linguistics, OK? Shut up.

Tomer Hanuka

Team Clog of TE MissionDar-Mankana

Post by WEI AihuaTeamlock

Datime 2204.1.23.11: 50

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

I could KILL Rafkind and the whole First Contact team! What Neanderthal decided to tell the Manka about Christianity? This is exactly why the UC censored Americans from TE teams.

Fortunately, the district potentate seemed more entertained than anything by the idea of one mans demise absolving the incorrects of an entire species. Just one? Cute.

Now Im wondering what else FC screwed up.

FC Report Detail p. 67: Culture Notes

Datime: 2201.4.7.14: 40

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Auditory embed with caption: Manka adoration chant? Recallers: Multiple; public action .]

My love sings behind me

And touches the nape of my neck

I do not look around

My heart flappings fast with fear.

FC Report Detail p. 224: Culture Notes

Recall by First Contact Team Member John RAFKIND

Datime: 2201.5.13.9: 24

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Auditory embed with caption: Observed class 2 Deceptive ideation .]

Whoa.

Whoa?

Apologies. A colloquialism.

Ah. We must learn more of your world so that we may adapt to these colloquialisms.

That would certainly be possible after Trade Establishment, Hashish.

Why did you express a colloquialism, John?

Uh, well the male Manka walking by with that group of children. For some reason, when he look back me, I got the creeer, I find uneasy.

That was an evaluator.

An evaluator of what?

[ RaTcheting sound. RAFKIND caption: I think that was a laugh ?] Many things, at many times. For now, those children.

Were all six of those the evaluators juveniles?

There were three children, John.

Three? I didnt get a good review, but Im sure I appreciated more.

There were three children.

[ Recall ends .]

Team Clog of TE MissionDar-Mankana

Post by Angela WHETONPublic

Datime 2204.1.24.12: 40

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

Did some additional examines of the southeast central continent today. Those palladium sediments Have you guys heard the stock tolls since the CogNet-Pallenergy merger? My God, I might actually get out of student loan debt before I die.

Also noticed an rare concentration of calcium in various accumulations around the city. Hector proceeded with one of the locals to check out a nearby locate and was shown an open-pit tomb. [ VISUAL OVERRIDE EMBED WITH CAPTION: LONG, ORDERLY ROWS OF SEVERAL HUNDRED CLEAN, POLISHED BONES, ORGANIZED BY TYPE .] Each pit is several hundred hoofs deep, bones layered with dirt. Local announced bones the price paid. Ritual? Tag for sapiology review.

OhHector has asked me to note for government officials team log his hypothesis that the burial pits are f__ing creepy-crawly. So noted.

Recall transcript, WEI Aihua

Meeting with local Influential 2

Datime 2204.1.24.13: 10

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ All sensory recall except auditory smothered to aid lightstreaming .]

Forgive me for staring, evaluator. Its only that you gaze so different.

I have strained greatly to adapt because we last fit. Does my form satisfy you?

I dont certainly know what to become of it. You ogle

More like you.

Yes.

This distres you.

Surprises me, evaluator. On my planet “theres” souls that can change their coloration to blend in with the environment, but [ Visual override embed with WEI caption: The evaluators face. Memo the abbreviate of the muzzle and repositioning of the ears, at slopes of the foreman rather than the top .]

It has been difficult, yes. Your beings are strangely configured. Even more strange, inside.

How do you

Your bloods preference is most amusing. [ Pause] I have no goal of devouring you, Aihua.

[ Laughter] Uh, sorry. On my nature well. Our recreation are a lot of unnerving men that want to gobble us down.

Entertainment? But your parties are apex predators, are you not?

I suppose we are. Huh. Maybe thats why the notion of being preyed upon doesnt actually scare us.

[ Series of harsh exhalations. WEI caption: The evaluator believe that there is imitating human laugh .] Yes , no is necessary to fright! Tell me, Aihua. Why do you not have offsprings?

What?

Why do you

Sorry, I discover. The topic justits not something my people frequently ask in casual conversation.

I shall remember and accommodate. For now, will you refute?

Well, we have a problem with overpopulation and its effects: crowding, homelessness, famine, worse. Were redressing now, but their own problems took a long time to develop, it was therefore will take a long time to resolve.

And in the meantime, your it is necessary to simply lose?

Unfortunately, yes. It helps that weve modelled the Trade Network with other sapient species. That increases the resources available on my planet.

But with greater resources, your digits will continue to grow. Theres nothing to shape you stop.

We have our own sapience, which tells us that such rise is unsustainable. Because of this, only some of my beings choose to replicate. Im one of the ones who chose not to.

I see. But if sustainable growth was possible?

Maybe Id have a child. Perhaps. But it isnt possible, so no minors for me. [ Sigh] Now. Not to change the subject, but Ive accompanied some delicacies from my own world-wide to share

Good. I am most interested in eating some of your worlds revels. And if I may say, Aihua, the gleam of your hair is very fine today.

[ Recall ends .]

US NATIONAL EXOPLANETARY SURVEYMEMORANDUM

Levl: Official

Prio: Medium

Init: Salim GILBERTO, FC Team Biological Surveyor

Datime: 2201.11.13.03: 00

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

Esteemed Survey members, colleagues, and sidekicks TAGEND

You will see from my FC report that Dar-Mankana is home to a plethora of speciessubstantially more than our own, which has yet to recover from the arrival of the Anthropocene. But a merely 2 million years ago, Dar-Mankana hosted three times more species than at present.

What could trigger such a destruction? Evidence indicates an interference in several key food webs: a polyphagous piranha which ate its road through tertiary and secondary consumers with such abandon that it likely justification its own extinction. Superpredators may be pop-science clickbait, but Dar-Mankana could represent our closest brush with one of these evolutionary bogeymen. The lingering damage is still perceptible: a relative dearth of megafauna, skewed predator-to-prey rates, insufficient biomass all around for the power that this planet creates.

Further pre-TE study is strongly recommended.

FC Report Excerpt, p. 530: Xenological notes

Datime: 2201.7.7.6: 32

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Some data loss has come; recompilation possible in approximately 127 daytimes .]

[ Buffering] compare to Dr. Gilbertos assertions.

The crater is smallless than half the size of Earths Chicxulub crater, which is widely believed to have triggered the extinction of the dinosaurs. While surely large enough to crusade catastrophic neighbourhood shatter, this cannot explain the mass extinction.

Core samples from the ocean floor discover an abundance of palladium and [ Buffering]

Team Clog of TE MissionDar-Mankana

Post by Hector PRINCIPETeamlock

Datime 2204.1.25.06: 30

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

Sorry if the committee is blurry. Cant sleep. Theory occasion!

Why arent there more Manka? Theyre ripe for Sagans technological adolescence. Weve seen this on so many planets that its practically a law of nature; there is a requirement to erupting at the seams, same as us. But the Manka are precise the right population size for their societys resources. Nobodys thirsty. No idle youth. Plenty for all.

So. Unobserved social self-restraints? The Kama Rhythm Method Sutra? Histocompatibility crisis?

Comment from WEI

Maybe theyve already been through the tech teenages. Gilbertos extinction?

Comment from PRINCIPE

Two million years ago was tech infancy. Or pre-partum: The Manka precursors perhaps werent even tool-users.

Comment from WHETON

Off topic but you know what I obstruct “ve been thinking about”?( Cant sleep either .) The building. Four steeples on every important build. Four lobes to every artistic motif. They got six fingers. Three copulations. WTF is with the veneration of four? Whats their math?

Comment from WANG

Base-8. Ache in the ass; had to recalculate all the potential royalties in the two reports. But yeah, another difference on four. Shit, I cant do possibility at oh dark thirty. Sleep, you apes.

CogNet init: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Recip: WU Li Bai

Transl: English-Cantonese

Datime: 2206.12.16.20: 02

Respectful accosts, Dr. Wu. My appoint is Thandiwe Solomon, with the Extrasolar Sapience department of Rhodes University. I was plotted by your position paper in The Journal for the Study of Applied Sapiology . As someone whos been in the field and discovered how easy it to be able to move blunders, I concur wholeheartedly with your recommendation for a minimum 10 -year survey between First Contact and Trade Establishment.

Sir, it is my understanding that you two are Wei Aihuas mentor during her postdoctorate. Have you been received information on her recent operation?

Thread reply from WU Li Bai

Indeed I have, Dr. Solomonand so must you have been, if youre asking me. I suppose your UC permission is still active?

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

It is, sir. Though in the interest of full disclosure, my tier is exclusively Secret.

Thread reply from WU Li Bai

I shall tailor my responses accordingly. What is your wonder?

Thread reply from Thandiwe SOLOMON

Was Dr. Wei lonely?

Recall transcript, WEI Aihua

Meeting with local Influential 5

Datime 2204.1.26.10: 30

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ All sensory recall except auditory quelled to aid lightstreaming .]

And then the old person answered, Why is it always the intellectuals? [ Laughter]

[ Laughter. WEI caption: the evaluators laughter reverberates entirely human now. See accent reduction too .] The narrations of your beings are so amusing.

My grandmother will be pleased to hear that.

Grandmother?

Female parent of my mother. [ sigh] She may be dead by the time I get back. I dont know whether to hope for that or not.

Oh?

Ive been croaked five years old. She has cancera disease, untreatable in her client. That necessitates a slow, agonizing death. My parents are taking care of her, but

Your parties have just been males and females. These take over the nurturer persona?

Well, its not quite as binary as that, but … When necessary, yes.

And no one fulfills the evaluator role? Your poor grandmother.

Well, Im not sure [ delay] Oh my God.

Are you praying?

No, justthat was amaze. Youre another sex . Like male, like female, like the nurturers. The FC team got it completely wrong. Four fornications , not three!

Yes, those humen were very slow be adjusted to Dar-Mankana. You are much more fit and clever.

Evaluator, I must confer with my parties. But ah may I return to speak with you again tomorrow?

That would give me great pleasure, Aihua.

CogNet init: Hector PRINCIPE

Recip: Angela WHETON

Priority: URGENT

Datime: 2204.1.31.04: 00

[ Optimized by Cognet !]

[ Sensory remembrance retained per URGENT protocol. Additional lightstream slowdown +185 dates .]

Angela. [ ping] Angela. Damn it, wake the fuck up! And pass this on to Aihua. Fucking – god, delight pass this on to Aihua.

OK. Clear contemplates. OK. I went back to the burial site. Somethings been bothering me. This time I realise what it was.

Most of the bones are small. Childrens bones.

Theory time. Lets say your species is threatened by an enemy so insidious that all the usual existence proficiencies are unproductive against it. Its an foe that they are able camouflage itself enough to get really close during hunting. Maybe it can clown you even up close. What if simply specializing a full-time protection for the weakest members of your species, a nurturer , gives your parties any hope of survival against an opponent like that? And what if even that doesnt stop it? What if, in the end, you cant beat them, so you join them?

Aihua said the evaluators appearance was changing. Im approximating evaluators replace the male or female in reproductionnot all the time, just enough to continue themselves. Theyre not really male or female, though, because theyre fucking shapeshifters! Real Manka males and females are like us. The nurturers raiseand guardthe offspring until theyre age-old enough to show their real potential. Guess what happens then?

They go to the evaluators. Some “of childrens rights”, the healthiest and the most adaptable, get to live. Only them, though. The restalong with perhaps the old-time, the sickare the toll the Manka pay for their prosperity.

Gilbertos superpredators, Angela. Aihuas been having dinner with one each night for the past week.

PANet init: Paul SRINIVASAN

Recip: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Datime: 2206.12.18.06: 10

Ow. Public access streaming hurts my mentality, literally. Anyway, that sidekick of mine who works for CogNet-Pallenergy? Located out Wei Aihuas personal logs did get lightstreamed. Somebody prescribed them deleted.

Same person also slapped a bunch of restrictions on the TE SurveySat maps that Angela Wheton sent back. I cant get through these limitations, but I would guess they discover the extent and site of those palladium lodges she mentioned. Thats why approving is being fast-trackedUCs going a lot of distres from Large-hearted Fusion.

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Are you kidding me? Did the UC pay attention to anything else in the damned dossier? Do they recognize Wei Aihua likely isnt dead?

Thread reply: Paul SRINIVASAN

Its been three years since the TE ship blew up. Wheres she been all this time, if shes still alive?

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

I dont know, but three years is slew of time for Stockholm syndrome to set in. Especially if her captors become more and more human, and likable, and attractive

Thread reply: Paul SRINIVASAN

No. Theyre a different species , Thandi.

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

The Manka are a different species. The evaluators are whatever the hell they want to be. Human, if they want to be! You have to ask UC Command to quarantine Dar-Mankana.

Thread reply: Paul SRINIVASAN

If there were any survivors of the TE team, that would filament them.

Thread reply: Thandiwe SOLOMON

Yes. Especially in case there is survivors.

UC Trade Establishment Commission

Excerpt, Letter to the leaders of Dar-Mankana

Datime: 2206.12.20.15: 45

[ Lightstream-optimized by UCNet]

The United Communities of Earth also extend their heartfelt gratitude to the people of Dar-Mankana for their care of Dr. Wei in her days as the sole survivor of the TE ship explosion. Despite her eventual extinction in childbirth, your peoples valiant efforts to save her and her newborn are to be commended. An endowed resources of the fund has been established in the name of Dr. Wei, Specialist Principe, and the entire TE team. The child born from their duty shall be welcomed home, desired, and honored as the heir to a heroic legacy.

In peace and hope, we look forward to our reciprocal future of boom.

The Fiction Issue

Tales From an Uncertain Future

Read More

. lede dye: #d66a5f ;. text-center text-align: center ;

The post The Evaluators: To Trade With Aliens, You Must Accommodate appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2sVha4h via IFTTT