#is commonly held by queerphobes and its just a complete betrayal overall

[aaronymous999]

GOD trans horror is such an untapped market…

The body horror of puberty for a lot of us gender dysphoric trans folks is talked about a lot so I won’t get all that into it. On the other hand, one that may be just my personal experience, is the social horror and anxiety of existing in spaces of the past and around people who knew me pre-transition.

When I transitioned, the few people I told outside my family ( who I am immensely grateful and privileged to have supporting me ) gave very unsupportive responses, and I knew that with myself already being bullied, it would only get worse. So I left it all behind, and I gained weight. I cut my hair. My name is legally changed. I’m less pale and I dress differently. I’ve gone through puberty, I’ve started HRT. Nobody recognizes me, and I’d like to keep it that way despite a while where I would constantly dream about my old friends accepting me, and then subsequent nightmares where I am trapped in my old body but with my current mind which is terrifying on it’s own merits and I might write something about that at some point… but my point being is that most of my anxiety stems from seeing people I used to know in public. Undoubtedly, who would be hostile to me if they knew, and it rids me with paranoia and anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me. It’s almost like I’m keeping a secret, not maliciously of course, but a secret to protect myself, to not become a statistic. That’s a little overdramatic and personal I know- but I think it’s a real horror of my own life that’s rarely expressed in fiction, even within metaphor. I’ve always been one to attach myself to horror that represents the own horrors I face in my day to day life, which is why I find the typical slasher deeply uninteresting compared to the small town secrets and underlying bigotry and unspoken threats of violence that I come across in media every once in a while.

I deeply connect with the horror of hiding something, something that is not wrong or immoral, but something that could get you seriously harmed if revealed. It’s a deeply queer sense of horror in my opinion and if there’s any horror writers out there I’d love to see it… or if anyone knows any media that in metaphor or outright explores this I would absolutely LOVE to hear it.

So often I feel like I’ve found something that expresses this but- it almost always ends in a secret that’s legitimately kind of bad or just straight up that way. As much as I love Omori I found the conclusion somewhat disappointing after all the fascinating internal conflict that Sunny goes through. It kind of makes the journey less valuable and scary with the conclusion in mind but that might just be me. I would love to see something- a return to the past or an old home town out of necessity that leads to increasing paranoia and the sense of being unsafe in an environment which you once called home. Which I can imagine is also deeply personal to other demographics of people. Which is why I’m surprised it’s not written about as often as it seems to be relatable to people.