#is a character whom i have 0 beef with

[xatsperesso]

People are hella sus of fenrir (narnia?)

I just think he's a funny lil dude. Like cant see him as being the Big Baddie of this arc

[ryin-silverfish]

Keisei Suikoden: Genderbent Water Margins

This is probably Part 2 of the "Obscure Vernacular Novels Spotlight" series. Dunno if there's gonna be a Part 3, because most obscure novels stay obscure for a reason. Which is often formulaic boredom. And I'm only picking out the fun ones.

(Also, my main interest is still Ming-Qing vernacular novels, but since I'm doing a final project about Keisei Suikoden for this semester's class, I may as well use the post as Draft 0.)

...

"Is this the Edo Japan equivalent of FGO making historical figures and deities into anime girls?" I thought, when I first came across a Chinese summary of the novel several years ago. 

Then I learned that the author, Kyokutei Bakin, has indeed appeared in FGO as an anime girl. 

As the title suggests, this fan novel of Water Margins has made all the male 108 heroes into heroines, and the female characters into guys...but the changes go further.

Specifically, Bakin has localized the entire setting, rewriting the storyline so that it took place in Kamakura Japan instead. (Hey, it's even contemporary to Northern Song!) Kinda like how Konami's first Suikoden game put the 108 heroes into a medieval fantasy setting.

Which means: 

All the 108 characters got their unique Japanese names, sometimes sharing one or two characters with their original inspirations but not always. 

Daoist characters became Shinto priestesses, yamabushi, and onmyoji. 

Beef dishes that appeared in the original novel were replaced with poultry and fish because Edo Japan had a ban on livestock meat.

The Genpei War and other rebellions in its aftermath were featured in the backstory of a bunch of female bandits, who belonged to defeated clans, and many of the 108 heroines were associated with the Minamoto Clan. 

Almost every character got genderbent. Which means the damsels in distress from the original novel become bishonen in distress, female bandits would kidnap men and force them into marriages, etc.

The rough outline of the story goes like this: an arrogant female official, while trying to find the famous priestess Murokai (fem! Heavenly Master Zhang) in the Kumano mountains to dispel a plague, released the 108 vengeful ghosts of unmarried courtesans mentioned in the Manyoshu anthology, who reincarnated into our 108 heroines.

After a timeskip, in the capital, the Shirabyoshi dancer Kamegiku (fem! Gao Qiu) has gained the favor of Emperor Go-Toba, both of whom were real historical figures.

During his reign, women skilled in various martial arts were selected to train in the Female Warrior Training School, and after offending Kamegiku, one of the head trainers, Ayaosa (fem! Wang Jin) was forced to flee with her aging mother.

During their escape, she encountered the spunky tomboy daughter of a village chief, Fusenryu Komorode ("Komorode the Diving Dragon", fem! Shi Jin), and taught her the eighteen martial arts after defeating her in a duel...

We then got to Otatsu of Hanagara (fem! Lu Zhishen), my favorite of the genderbent characters——A plump, dark-skinned lady with a fierce temper and love for sake, able to effortlessly move a 45 kg mortar around.

She became a fugitive after she killed the mean usurer widow and salted fish vendor, Kaina, with a single punch, to save the male courtesan Yasanosuke and his mom.

Then she was made a Buddhist nun and took on the name Myotatsu, but got expelled from her first temple for acting exactly like the original Lu Zhishen: getting drunk and eating meat, fistfighting a Jizo statue outside the temple gate and bringing the entire small shrine down, and beating up the nuns who tried to stop her.

"I'm adept at explaining the nature of cause and effect: Fuck Around and Find Out." ——Myotatsu, right before rescuing the village head's pretty son from a forced marriage to the local bandit queen 

The novel does have a main plot: while Kamegiku was playing the temptress in Kyoto, Hojo Masako ruled as the "Nun Shogun" in Kamakura, and had essentially usurped the Minamoto Clan by placing her son, Yoriie, under house arrest and later assassinating him.

Thus, instead of robbing Cai Jing's birthday present, the 108 heroines were kidnapping Princess Sanze, the youngest daughter of Yoriie, to protect her from the Hojo regents and restore Minamoto control.

Sadly, we don't know how the plot concludes.

Bakin had gone blind in his old age, relying entirely on his daughter-in-law to transcribe his oral accounts, and since he was focused on finishing his most famous epic novel, Chronicle of the Eight Dogs Heroes (Nanso satomi hakken-den), Keisei Suikoden had taken a backstage and is never finished.

Some highlights:

-Sakurado of Torano-o (fem! Lin Chong) got fucked over because Kamegiku wanted to take her husband for herself. Her husband, Nansei, is a pretty twink monk and one of her disciples. He's timid, delicate, and has no interest in women, but loved Sakurado platonically and was in turn supported by her, who never looked down on him.

-Fushishiba (fem! Chai Jin), a.k.a. Oritaki no Sho, is descended from a member of the Taira Clan who owed a debt to Yoritomo, and was granted various honors and titles after the war.

-fem! Chao Gai's name is Kocho, which translates literally to "Little Butterfly". It might be a pun, since Chao and Cho sound kinda similar. And yes, she did lift an entire stone pagoda and carry it to her village to protect the villagers from the local yokai.

-Fittingly enough, "Sasuno Miko Medogi" (fem! Gongsun Sheng) is an onmyoji of the Abe lineage, who can manipulate Shikigami to summon winds and clouds.

-Oohako (fem! Song Jiang) murdering male! Yan Poxi is...surprisingly cathartic, not gonna lie. For context, Yan Po was not genderbent, but she abused Oohako's generosity to try to set her up with her son, a Joruri actor named Gidakichi, in an attempt to leech off her money.

-And while she's unwittingly offering patronage to their performances out of social obligation, Gidakichi was having an affair with her assistant, Adako (fem! Zhang Wenyuan), and being a stain on her reputation.

-After a very awkward and uncomfortable night at their house and Gidakichi being a creep to her, she accidentally left a pouch containing Kocho's letter of gratitude (because she alerted them to an incoming arrest) in their bedroom.

-Gidakichi found the letter and tried to use it to blackmail her into not only approving his marriage to Adako and covering the full expense, but also giving him the 300 gold mentioned in Kocho's letter (a gift she rejected).

-At which point she finally had enough and stabbed the guy to death. As you can see, the plot beats are mostly the same, but I like it better than the original.

-Why? Because 1) Yan Po's intent to leech off their patron is made a lot more obvious, and 2) instead of Yan Poxi (understandably) having no intention of sleeping with Song Jiang due to his cold neglect, and Song Jiang getting pissed at her for that?

-The dynamic is reversed. Gidakichi had no love for Oohako, and the feeling was mutual. Yet when she was pressured into spending the night in the same room by his mom, she was the one who kept a polite distance while he tried to force himself on her.

-Takeyo (fem! Wusong) is said to be 6 ft tall, with a dignified appearance that resembled the famous Tomoe Gozen from the Tale of Heike. Before she met Oohako, though, she was also short-tempered and prone to violence.

-Because Japan doesn't have tigers, the tiger Takeyo killed was a tiger cub gifted to the local lord by emissaries from Joseon Korea, which had escaped captivity upon reaching adulthood.

-Just like Wu Song, she avenged her sister, Butayo's murder at the hands of Kiresuke (male! Pan Jinlian) the abusive freeloader husband and his mistress, Okei of Seimonya (fem! Ximen Qin).

-Not gonna lie, the original Pan Jinlian and her Plum in the Golden Vase incarnation are both fascinatingly terrible people. But, just like Gidakichi, Kiresuke managed to outdone her through sheer creep factor during his failed attempt at seducing Takeyo and pinning the blame on her.

-Bakin generally tried to tune down the gore and cannibalism in Water Margins, as well as the slaughter of innocents and random passersby. Even Rikiju (fem! Li Kui) is slighty less of a indiscriminate murderhobo, and the targets of her killing spree were limited to samurai guards.

-That said, they still killed the corrupt official Ikken (Huang Wenbing)'s entire family by setting fire to his mansion, and preserved his head in a jar of sake after Rikiju killed him.

-Instead of receiving the three divine scrolls from the Mystic Lady of the Nine Heavens, Oohako received a single scroll from Benzaiten.

-Because of the aforementioned lack of tigers in Japan, Rikiju killed 4 giant "mountain dogs", a.k.a. Japanese wolves with unusual stripe patterns on their fur, after they devoured her elderly mom.

Final Thoughts

I'm not a fan of most genderbent AUs because oftentimes, it doesn't add anything meaningful to the original premise, or alter the character personality too much to the point of losing all resemblance to their counterpart.

Keisei Suikoden, however, is a pre-modern example of a genderbent adaptation done well.

The heroines are as badass, colorful, and violent as their male counterparts, the entire premise has been localized in a manner that's both funny and interesting, and the rewrite + deletion of certain story beats have actually removed many elements of Water Margins that do not sit well with a modern audience.

Also, I'll totally play a Keisei Suikoden RPG game, if the heroine designs stay true to the novel and they aren't all made into pretty anime girls. 

A two -volume English translation can be found on Amazon, together with the Chronicle of the Eight Dog Heroes. There's also a free digital scan of the original Japanese print by the Harvard-Yenching Library.

[kudouusagi]

Nanjou Kojirou (Skaters backstage)

Nanjou Kojirou S Name: Joe Sign: Cancer Birthday: July 7th Height 186cm (6'1) Weight: 84kg (185lbs) Blood type: 0

One of the members of “S” who was around when it started. He has a dynamic skating style that makes full use of his magnificent muscles and so he’s called the “fastest six pack”. Air resistance isn’t an issue for him when he uses his muscles to preform “missile style” to make him just like a missile.

Overconfidence is a poison, but confidence is a strength.

Owner/chef of an Italian restaurant Normally Nanjou is running his store as the owner of an Italian restaurant. It’s a hidden local favorite, and also seems to be used for business meetings. The time that Reki and the others barged their way in, he made them food.

An unequaled ladies man He’s a smooth talker who will hit on ladies no matter where he is, so he’s an unrivaled ladies man. He always has girls with him, but Reki and the others got in the way with the female undergrads at the beach, and at the inn when he he tried to chat up the hostess.

A reliable older brother type While he is known as a smooth talker, you can also see how big his heart is when he gives advice to Reki when he’s worried. The way he doesn’t meddle too much and just quietly watches over him really suits Nanjou.

Director Utsumi Comment He’s part of the adult group and was designed as a set with Sakurayashiki with whom he fights with like cats and dogs, so we were really focused on how they balanced and contrasted with each other. Since they’re like cats and dogs, they’re like complete opposites. Also I wanted a muscled character with the biggest physique and he could fill that slot, since an adult character could have well formed muscles! When we were determining his skating style we figured with that physique the only answer was a powerful style and so that’s what he became. His missile style originated from Ookouchi-san saying we should have a move based on a plank, but ...I remember spacing out when he just stared riding the board without using his feet.

Character Designer Chiba Michinori Comment It seems that Director Utsumi loves good looking muscular men. She really loved a muscular character I drew in “Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans“ and apparently that’s why she asked me to work on this show (lol). Since he was topless in Director Utsumi’s example draft, I left his letterman jacket open. Adjustments were made according to what Director Utsumi wanted, like making his shoulder muscles bigger and making his waist slimmer. His downward slanting eyes were also Director Utsumi’s idea, but when I heard Matsumoto Yasunori was voicing him I understood.

Colorist Gotou Yukari Comment  Director Utsumi indicated that his hair should be green or brown and that he should have dark skin. Director Utsumi liked the brown hair but she thought he would get washed out and not stand out when against the rock face at Crazy Rock, so we thought about how to balance the color a lot and ended up going with green. Nanjou was the hardest character to balance out the colors of his hair and skin. I had a really hard time producing that loose, smooth talker look. For his “S” costume I thought his jacket looked like it was made out of a thick leather so I made it black, and during the BEEFs he was going to wear it half off so I wanted the inside to stand out from the outside so I made it a flashy orange color. For his pants I wanted to show off his dark skinned six-pack and so I made them white.

[viscardiac]

There were we, me, @targaryen-brainrot, and @number-0-iz looking at a Daemon/Alicent setting. Consider that Daemon was unmarried, either never married to Rhea at all or she died before for whatever reason. And blur a little the lines between the show and the book for better aesthetics.

Otto might deslike Daemon as much as he will, but Daemon is a prince. For all effects, Aemma is still alive, and Otto has an unmarried daughter. He would have pushed for a wedding between them. He hates Daemon, but he loves power more. And what's more, Viserys would have accepted it delightfully. Alicent is a young woman from a prestigious noble family and daughter to what he sees as a loyal servant of the crown. Maybe Daemon will settle down after all.

And so the wedding happens. Daemon will see her as an extension of Otto, and will likely be very much terrible to her at first. It wasn't her he wanted, after all. Aemma invariably dies in childbirth, whatever the nature of her death, and Viserys needs a new wife either way. For politics, he marries the Lady Laena Velaryon. Book wise, she was older than Laenor, a change that show wise, I still don't see the point of, maybe to justify him choosing Alicent over her, to make everyone involved look creepy, I don't know. Let's keep Laena with her original age for this one. There is still enough reason to maintain Rhaenyra's wedding to Laenor, so she still does.

Those are our key pairings for this scenario, Daemon and Alicent, Viserys and Laena, Rhaenyra and Laenor. We are keeping the children with their mothers, and that would shift things out some.

Baela and Rhaena are immediately in line after Rhaenyra. Nobody wants Daemon with the crown for a very good reason, and if Otto pushes for it, it'll be obvious he means for his daughter to be queen — it won't stop him from trying, mind you, but it gets to be seen as it is: a grasp for power. I will keep them as they are, but instead of taking after Daemon, Baela takes after Princess Alyssa... Whom Daemon took after as well, so I suppose it evens out.

Aegon, Helaena, Aemond, and Daeron are children to Daemon. I find it fun to have Aemond as Daemon's son. The parallels were there, but now, they are direct. Daemon was shown to be fond of his children book wise, they were important not only to him personally, but to him as a character. For all his flaws, he left such a lasting impression that Aegon III spoke of him so fondly his daughter Daena named her own son Daemon. It's one of my biggest beefs with the show, actually, to cut that out from him. He doesn't love Alicent, far from it, but there's something about punishing her in place of Otto. And then Aegon is born, and something shifts a little to the left. There it is, the valyrian babe Viserys wanted and that now he has. It would seem Alicent is capable of such despite her common looks. Aegon was never pressured to be a perfect heir. Daemon always seemed keen on letting the kids roam free and do their thing, after all. Helaena is his precious little girl. He will have the seamstresses embroider her dresses with bees and centipedes and spiders and crickets. Anyone who speaks ill of her interests will be put to the sword — is it not high treason to speak against a princess of the crown? Aemond may ride Caraxes with his father while he doesn't have a dragon of his own. It'll be fine. Someday they'll be back on Dragonstone. Maybe he can claim Vermithor as his own. Daeron is told about brave knights and kings of old, and strives to be just as dashing.

Jacaerys, Lucerys and Joffrey still are just as they are. Brown haired, and dark eyed. But alas, Harwin needs to back off eventually, by either death or the hand of politics. Let's say Laenor doesn't die, no matter if a faked death or a murdered one. Let's say he just wasn't there on the wrong moment, or that Rhaenyra can't be had, and therefore there's no point in getting him out of the picture. She will find love elsewhere, as she is bound to, but without such strong (ba dum ts) genes on the way, Aegon, the younger, and Viserys are just as pale of hair as their mother is. Despite whatever ethnicity the Velaryons are pinned as, it definitely helps the older boys' claims that there are younger sons of valyrian appearance (you see, King Viserys had this mare once...). For the sake of this au — and our own enjoyment, no doubt — I say little Visenya lives to be just as lovely a girl as her mother.

Daemon will, no doubt, try to poison Alicent. Rhaenyra's heirs are bastards, you should be Princess of Dragonstone, you should be next in line to be queen. Otto does the same. But this marriage was, nonetheless, accepted and pushed foward by Viserys and Otto, and neither Alicent nor Rhaenyra fail to see it. There is, of course, a sour note to her friend wedding the uncle she wished for, but Alicent can do nothing about it, her fate has been decided. Laena is a good political choice, and nonetheless, she and Rhaenyra were close, book wise. Their little circle is expanded to include Alicent, and the Queen and Princesses grow closer to each other.

No matter the dealings of their father, Alicent's children never learn to hate their cousins by experience. The behavior that led to it is never tolerated in the women's circle, and reprimanded, extinguished. Aemond never needs to take Vhagar, he and Rhaena bond over being dragonless for the time being. He never loses an eye, and perhaps, as per suggestion of his father in younger years, takes Vermithor as his own. Perhaps he is the one to encourage Rhaena to take Vhagar. Laena's death is openly mourned by all of them, and her girls are taken care of by her good-sister and good-daughter, and their nephews and cousins. Rhaena and Helaena sew together, and Baela will compete in flights with Jacaerys and Aegon.

With a large and united family — that Viserys himself never spent a minute building — marriages are arranged. Baela being the oldest of Rhaenyra's sisters is betrothed to Jacaerys as heir to Rhaenyra's throne, further unifying the line. Rhaena, however, is betrothed to Aegon the elder, bringing Daemon's children into the mix. Helaena, though, is joined to Aemond, as Daemon thinks no one else but one of his sons would be appropriate for his precious daughter. Wedding Aegon and Rhaena puts Daemon's blood upper on the succession line, and even more so when Daeron is betrothed to Visenya. It does not sate his wish for the crown, but makes the impossibility of it bearable. It becomes acceptable when either Jaehaerys or Jaehaera are married to Jacaerys and Baela's heir.

Otto dies mysteriously in a freak accident. The likely guilty parties are too many to count. Viserys I still corpses out eventually and dies. No amount of blabbering will take Alicent to believe the throne should be taken from Rhaenyra. She has now been a queen in everything but name since Laena's death, become apt and led to understand how to run a kingdom. No one else would be more suitable.

The dying of dragons never happened because there were three women who supported each other. And, of course, because of one glitch marriage as a grasp for power.

Bonus: Addam of Hull becomes a queensguard, while his brother Alyn becomes a famed sea captain. The Princess of Dorne is enchanted, and the dornish court becomes a home to return to.

[strugglefluff]

How about the gang meeting my character Barky Marky?

AND WHOM MAY THIS BARKY MARKY BE??? :0

We shall see ;)

They have... Different reactions.

Midnight reacts about the same as I would. Well because D o g g o

Default goes back to her feral primal ways around him... I think it's a territorial thing lmao.

Fluffy... She's really hard to impress. But she has no beef with him so as far as she's concerned he can stay.

Huggy the boy himself be like who is this new being.

Then there's just a casual doodle of jog pog.

Cuz Jog Pog.

[oftwitz-saved]

( WORK FRIEND ) anita alessi ( 21 / she/her ): cis-female & mallory’s coworker at the bookstore. ( amanda arcuri ) ( B / 21 / SHE/HER )

*Hello my loves! I’m B, aka your neighborhood est bean, here with my mighty munchkin child Anita. I’m super excited to plot and rp with y’all so please head under the cut if you’d like to read her (messy) intro.* ➘

❥ 𝔹𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤:

Full Name: Anita Noemi Alessi

Nicknames: An, Ana, Nita, munchkin, etc.

Birthday: August 3

Zodiac Sign: Leo

Age: 21

Gender: Cis Female (She/Her)

Place Of Birth: New York City 

Sexuality: Bicurious

Occupation: Bookstore Clerk/Freelance Illustrator 

Hobbies: Reading, drawing/painting, partying, & listening to music.

Positive Traits: Easygoing, empathetic, adaptable, creative, independent, & dedicated.

Negative Traits: Rebellious, naive, lonely, self conscious, fickle, & candid.

Tv Trope: The BlackSheep (?)

Archetype: The Paradox (?)

❥ ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℂ𝕠𝕦𝕡𝕝𝕖:

Mallory: They were coworkers at the bookstore that did not get along by any means. Anita couldn’t stand Mallory’s demanding nature and steered clear of her every chance she got. Apart from working together, the two were practically strangers.

Grant: They met once at her workplace when he showed up looking for Mallory. The two shared a short conversation and his seemingly kind and polite nature left a good impression on Anita. It left her wondering why such a nice guy would want to date someone as apparently difficult as Mallory.

❥ ℍ𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 𝕆𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨:

She was born in NYC to renowned judge, Carina Alessi, and an unrevealed lover. Carina raised her daughter on her own and Anita never knew her father, whom her mother refuses to speak of. 

Anita’s uptight mother was always very strict and tried to instill "traditional" values on her. She always implored that Yael do well in school, avoid trouble, stay away from bad influences, and eventually get a reputable/practical job (doctor, lawyer, teacher, etc.). Anita was essentially encouraged to be obedient and "perfect" by her mother, a task she completed for the most part. She kept her grades up, tried to stay out of trouble, developed very few friendships, and essentially did as she was told. 

That is, until she crossed paths with her troubled classmate in her last year of high school (ex WC). Having always strived to be a "good girl" he was outer-worldly to Anita. He was everything her mother told her to avoid in a guy, yet Anita couldn't help but be smitten. Although she wouldn't admit it, everything from his rebellious nature to his seemingly easygoing personality intrigued her. After some time of him persistently attempting to pursue her, Anita finally admitted her mutual attraction, initiating their relationship. Through him, Anita learned to embrace her individuality and be more open minded. He also introduced her to things like partying, art, which she developed a passion for, and music, that she she was encouraged to ignore by her mother. 

Anita began to change significantly as a person after entering this relationship. She took up an edgier sense of style, started to pay less attention to school, focused more on spending time with her boyfriend, took up art, and became much more outspoken. This drastic change in her overall self caused her to constantly be at odds with her mother, who was unhappy with the person her daughter had become. After almost an entire year of continual fighting, Anita’s mother ultimately made her choose between her or boyfriend, who she blamed for her daughter's changes. While she put off the decision for a while, Anita ended up choosing her boyfriend over her mother after entering a nasty verbal fight with the latter. Emotionally devastated, Anita packed up her things that night and ran off her boyfriend. The pair used Anita’s saved up college fund to move into a quaint apartment on the other side of town. 

Things went smoothly for them for about a year, the two worked hard to make money to support themselves, with Anita taking a part time job at the bookstore while also working as an illustrator on the side. That is, until she caught him cheating on her and their entire relationship fell apart.

Since they’ve gone their separate ways, Anita has been working harder than ever to support herself. She’s also taken to partying and the occasional random hookups in order to fill the void of loneliness she now feels.

❥ 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕤 𝔻𝕦𝕞𝕡:

Anita is the spunky artist 

She’s is an independent individualist, who has built herself off of her originality and "artistic integrity.” She takes pride in the things that make her unique and doesn't mind standing out from the crowd. 

Her dislike of conformity tends to make her an outsider amongst others. 

While not particularly outgoing, she is quite opinionated and is never afraid to speak her mind. This gets her into trouble from time to time.

Notes creativity as her greatest strength 

She has an impressive attention to detail, especially when it comes to her work

A free spirit, Anita isn't one to be weighed down by the troubles of life. She always remains true to herself regardless of the situation or the opinions of others. In this way, she strives to live her life to the fullest, but can be quite stubborn. 

Tiny but mighty with an attitude to boot

Her hair color changes more often than anyone can recall

Very open minded to the point where it might be problematic

Is secretly a hopeless romantic but has terrible luck when it comes to love

Acts confident but is very self conscious 

Looks sweet but would probably fight you

❥ 𝔽𝕒𝕧𝕖𝕤:

Favorite Color: Baby Pink 

Favorite Drink: Hard Lemonade 

Favorite Film: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Favorite Story: The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe

Favorite Fictional Character: Nell Crain

Favorite Poem: Alone by Edgar Allan Poe

Favorite Food: Beef Empanadas 

Favorite Dessert: Fudge Ice Cream

Favorite Flower: Peony

❥ 𝕎𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤:

*Ex Boyfriend: They met in high school. She was the quirky good girl, he was the troubled bad boy and just like magnets they clicked. He brought out the real her and helped her realize her dreams. As easily as they clicked they also clashed, mainly over money and commitment (he was lazy, didn’t want to work, and expected her to be faithful when he wasn’t). They were together for roughly two years until the relationship finally fell apart due to his cheating. Even after everything Anita never really got over him completely. (For inspo think of Cook if he ended up with Pandora??) *He’d likely be either 21 or 22 by now. : OPEN

Best Friends (1/3 spots taken): Anita isn’t the kind of girl to have a large group of friends. She mainly just keeps a small tight knit circle of people she considers her true friends. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Other Acquaintances (Unlimited): People she’s friendly with but not close enough to officially consider a friend. *No prerequisites : OPEN

F. R. I. E. N. D. Zone (Unlimited): People Anita put in the friend zone or vice versa. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Rebound (0/1 spot taken): Only get together when they break up with someone, or get their heart broken. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Toxic Friend (0/1 spot taken): A bad influence that encourages her to do bad things, potentially self destructive. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Cat & Mouse (0/1 spot taken): They basically chase after each other, back and forth, but it’s never really gone anywhere. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Party Friend (0/1 spot taken): They really only hang out when there’s a party or event to attend. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Past Hookups (Unlimited): Let’s just say she gets around from time to time. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Rival (0/1 spot taken): More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

Polyship(?): More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

*Slow Burn: Let it be slow and sweet. More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

Congrats and kisses if you’ve made it this far! Feel free to hmu if you’d like to plot or just give this a like and I’ll slide into your dms instead!

[juulookzousketchy]

i'm pumped too! ;w; though since i've never portrayed any of them before it might turn out weird, but i'll try my best! anyway, next question: what do you think their biggest crisis are, and how does each other's presence help solve/lighten that crisis?

Oh I’m sure you’ll do just fine!!! ^0^

Juuzou and Seidou

I’m not quite sure what you mean by their biggest crisis is. Like problems with one another? Hmm, character wise for the original two, Seidou is usually the one that has the major beef with Juuzou while Juuzou tends to not care what Seidou thinks and continue whatever he’s doing anyway. Original Juuzou would be able to moreorless talk things out if Seidou was more calm instead of always lashing out on a limb. (Seidou’s pretty insecure around Juuzou as well, seeing how much more accomplishments he has compared to him. He’s also younger and a lower rank than he is, so he feels inferior to him.) And Seidou would be more open to speaking more calmly if Juuzou didn’t diss him so much LOL. Sooo they’re original selves pretty much can’t really solve anything unless both are able to change their ways.If we’re talking about their :Re selves, they’ll probably go on about it more maturely since both now have an understanding from each other’s views. Such as Seidou finally realizing what it’s like to be on the other side of the spectrum/suffering/being crazy and whatnot. (just like how juuzou was)Then we have Juuzou, whom is now more calm and seemingly mature after the Shinohara incident. He’s finally shown to have some thoughtfulness and consideration towards others even though he is mostly just blunt and rash about it. So if these two were to ever argue about something, they’ll most likely take consideration of the other and talk things out in a moreorless rational way. Hope this is what you meant ;w; if not feel free to send more questions regarding them! Tyvm for sending these asks, I always love talking about these two goofs lol

[theteaisaddictive]

tag games, all in one post

for everybody’s sanity i’m not going to come up with new questions, but here is everything i’ve been tagged in:

@lumiereswig

are you more introverted or extroverted? introverted, all the way

what’s something dorky you were into whe you were younger? i’m kind of into all the same things now as i was then, so that doesn’t help :P

what’s something dorky you’re into now? um. beauty and the beast? i guess?

go on a rant about some aspect of the dorky thing you love. 1991 MAURICE WAS NOT A COWARDS HE WAS A BRAVE MAN WHO HAD A TENDENCY TO HYPER-FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A TIME. WHEN THAT THING IS HIS INVENTIONS, HE’S A LITTLE SPACED OUT AROUND HIS DAUGHTER. WHEN THAT THING IS HIS DAUGHTER, HE DOES ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING HE CAN TO KEEP HER SAFE, AND HE LISTENS TO HER WHEN SHE TELLS HIM THE BEAST ISN’T ALL BAD.

Got any rituals when you write/draw/etc? no, alas i am very boring

Tea or coffee? Chocolate or pastries? Dogs or cats? tea, pastries, dogs because i have 2

hell, why not, flatter me. have you read my fics? do you have a favorite? i really liked the one where the servants became human in modern europe and had to travel to find each other -- did you ever finish that?

HAVE YOU LISTENED TO GREAT COMET YET. YES

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU LISTEN TO GREAT COMET. NOTHING IT’S AMAZING 

THOUGHTS ON GREAT COMET. ALL THE FEELINGS FOR THE SAD RUSSIANS. ALL OF THEM.

favorite shakespeare play? much ado about nothing

@rosemoon621

If you could be a batb character, who would you be? belle, for sure

What is your favorite song of the moment? party tattoos or would you be so kind, both by dodie.

What series are you currently watching? i’m on episode 19 of critical role, if that’s an acceptable answer

If you could live in a place of your dreams FOREVER, where would you go? maybe my childhood town? i’m a homebody who likes what she already knows, though, so this is the most boring answer

If you could come to a country in South America, which country did you want to go to? i think brazil would be a really interesting country to visit!

How old are you now? 20

What is your favorite youtube video? oh c’mon, asking me to choose anything? i do love that one try guys video where they taste test the sexy drinks, because i just about suffocate laughing every time i watch

What song are you listening to while answering this question? no songs, this gets my full attention!

When is your birthday? i’m not sharing that on tumblr.

In a modern au, can you imagine what profession Adam would be in today? i can see him as an anger management therapist, actually.

What is your favorite tumblr blog? nobody! you’re all brilliant and lovely!

and

1. Can you imagine what happened minutes after the kiss at the end of the movie? i like to imagine that they hugged, maybe cried a little. belle asked the prince what his name was, and she tested it out a few times before saying that it suited him. 2. What is your favorite character, and why? belle, because of the self-insert feels. 3. What is your favorite song in the movie? (it can be either the 91 version or the 2017 version) something there, for either. 4. What character of the movie would you be in if he existed in real life? probably the beast, for self-insert reasons 5. When was the first time you saw the movie? i don’t remember, i would have been a child. 6. What’s your favorite fanfic (more than a chapter) about the movie? Kissed By A Rose, by SamoaPhoenix9 7. What movie character would you look at if he existed in real life? last time i did this i chose kelsi from hsm, so i guess that still stands. 8. What was the craziest thing you imagined involving this movie? that belle and plumette are sisters (this has 0 basis in canon, but you can pluck the idea from my cold dead hands) 9. What part did you dislike about the 1991 version? how short the falling in love parts are 10. And what was the point that you did not like the 2017 version? it’s a four way tie between the shirtless scene, the growl at the end, the lack of lines for the prince, and the goDDAMN MAGIC BOOK THAT MAKES NO SENSE 11. What was your favorite part of the 2017 version? the costumes!

@hathor-frozen (technically didn’t tag me, but i like their questions)

1. Do you like Mrs Potts in the animated or live-action BatB more? Why? animated, because she a) doesn’t do the weird kiss-pout thing in Be Our Guest, and b) Angela Lansbury’s accent is miles better than Emma Thompson’s.

2. Out of all the various meals mentioned in “Be Our Guest” which can you (or would like to learn to) make? beef ragù always sounded interesting to me

3. Have you ever tried any of the meals mentioned in “Be Our Guest”? that would be a no

4. Imagine they had announced they were cutting out your favourite servant from the live-action. Whom would you be most sad/angry to see go? mrs potts, because --  well, can you imagine the movie without her? cause i can’t!

5. What about least sad to see go? probably babette (from 1991 -- sorry, babette stans!), since she doesn’t really contribute much

6. Ballroom scene: 1991 or 2017? 1991 for sure! the little gulp when belle guides his hands to her waist, the beautiful colours, the brilliant smiles on their faces . . .

7. If 1991!Belle and 2017!Belle met, do you think they’d get along? Why/why not? i think they would! they’re similar people; i feel like 1991 belle would just kind of nod along to 2017 belle’s mechanical talk, since she doesn’t seem that interested in her dad’s work, but they’d probably get on well enough.

8. If you could have any role in the castle, what would you be? i might be mrs. potts, honestly

9. Which BatB film’s “Little Town” do you prefer? 1991, because it’s fast-paced, keeps everything at the same pitch, and has the immortal line ‘marie! the baguettes! hurry up!’

10. Which BatB film’s “Something There” do you prefer? again, 1991, because it’s the first time we hear the prince’s voice.

11. If you could redesign any of the costumes in the live-action film, what would you pick and why? probably the yellow dress, because it doesn’t really wow me as much as i think it could have.

@myfellowcandlesticks

if you got turned into an enchanted object in the castle, what would you be? probably like a bookmark or something

if you could have only one dish from “be our guest”, which one would you eat? i’ll try the grey stuff, since it’s so intriguing

what are your thoughts on the last scene in batb 2017, when mrs. potts sings a reprise of “tale as old as time” and gives maurice A Look™? i think it’s a sweet nod to the people (LIKE ME) who ship 1991 maurice and mrs potts. but it doesn’t work if she has a husband already. (cue me getting the horrible idea to write a three-way love triangle ending in maurice and mrs potts being together, but involving infidelity and divorce, which means i’ll never write it)

in a modern day au, is plumette a hipster or an art hoe? art hoe 100000%

same modern day au; is lumiere a star trek or a star wars fan? star wars, purely for the in-jokes.

WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS COGSWORTH IN?? I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR AGES i think he’s a gryffindor. sure, he’s a stickler for rules, but so was hermione and that didn’t make her any less gryffindor.

you know what? place everyone in their hogwarts houses! adam is a slytherin and that is a hill i will die upon. belle is either a ravenclaw (dat intelligence) or a hufflepuff (loyal to her dad/the castle, works at her inventions and books). mrs potts and lumiere are both gryffindors. plumette and chapeau are slytherins. 

do you have any headcanons about belle and adam as parents? i think they’d always let their children know they were loved, and they’d always try their best to support them. 

what does chip grow up to be? i mean what job do you think he chooses? there was a really nice fic juliejeanette (civilwarrose) wrote where he became a sailor in the french navy, and i think that fits him pretty well)

what’s your favorite song of the moment? (doesnt have to be batb, i’m just curious to know what yall listen to) already answered!

what’s your favorite book? (not romeo and juliet like belle, i hope) again with making me choose! uhhhhh jane eyre, villette, the woman in white, fangirl, the lunar chronicles, ink heart series, his dark materials.

and

name: rachael

gender: cis woman

height: like 5″2′

hogwarts house: hufflepuff

favorite animal: dog/cat/dolphin

average hours of sleep: right now about 9 because i’m sick, but usually about 7

dogs or cats: dogs

how many blankets i sleep with: two in winter, one in summer

dream trip/vacation: i’d love to go back to canada one day, especially p.e.i. again.

dream job: nurse

when i made this account: july 2012, but i didn’t really use it until like 2013

why i made this account: to keep up with bernie su’s bts posts about the lizzie bennet diaries

number of followers: 460

reason for url: i like tea

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #46

honestly too lazy to muse over song lyrics so hey let’s get into it.

has anyone ever called you sexy? jason did the first time he saw me in a bikini and i blushed like a bitch. do you like raisins? NO what is your favorite bug? butterflies what is your opinion on abortion? lmao do you REALLY want me to get into that one? what is your opinion on gay marriage? it's fine. what is your opinion on gay adoption? also fine, so long as you don't raise said child to think being gay is "normal," like A LOT of people seem to think. now before i get blown up with notes about how "i'm calling being gay bad," NO. normal and bad are two very different things. being gay is a mutation, thus is not normal. but is it bad? no. it irks me when people think that being gay is normal, bc it's not, and a gullible child should not be told differently. do you take pictures of yourself on a daily basis? absolutely not. would you rather freeze or burn to death?  burn, only because freezing would be agonizingly slow you've just died, and you're given the choice of reincarnation, being a spirit, or going to heaven/hell, wherever you belong.  i wanna go to heaven. have peace. you're in prison. would you think about trying to escape and running away?  no. i'd get caught.  they always do in the end. you're getting married! where’s your honeymoon? idk tbh. aside from any current relationships, what was your closest relationship ever? me and jason do you give good massages?  well. jason has a terrible back so i used to give him massages a lot and they always ended with us making out so lol. when’s the last time you went against your eating habits or religion (ex. eating beef when you’re muslim)?  never even if you are not christian or never celebrated christmas, do you think you will raise your (possible future) children to believe in santa clause? why or why not? absolutely!! it's all in good fun and it stimulates the imagination. jason never believed in santa and when i found out, i remember i felt really sad for him. when you have nightmares, do they normally have the same theme (ex. always being killed) or do they just relate to something going on in your life at the moment/random? sigh. they're always about jason rejecting me in one way or another. what type of clothing do you hate to see on (other) women? what type of clothing do you hate to see on (other) men?  i do NOT like skanky clothes, ex. shorts that literally show off your ass or shirts with an immense amount of cleavage. i can't stand baggy pants on men. do you believe america should legalize drugs? if you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize?  ... no??? what the fuck's next, legalizing murder bc it would deter murderers??? would you vote a homosexual president into office? why or why not? yes, because why not? what's your most embarrassing sex (or sexual) story? if you haven't had sex, talk about an embarrassing sex story you heard. i've told this before in an old survey: that time i'm pretty damn sure i was about to orgasm but instead i had a panic attack because i didn't understand what i was feeling lmao besides pornography, what is a website you frequent and don't want anyone to know? first let it be known that i don't watch porn. it's disgusting. two, the meerkat role-play site i take part in because i find rp embarrassing to the public eye. would you support marijuana legalization if it were taxed and distributed in a way similar to alcohol? nope what do you most want to improve upon in yourself? not allow my happiness to be dependent on others if you were throwing your significant other / best friend a themed party, what would the theme be? elephants! she loves them! how often do you get fountain drinks from a gas station? like, once a month? who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? hmmm... i'm honestly tied between the mad hatter and the cheshire cat! what'​​s your curre​nt boy situa​tion?​​ i'm single, but i just joined a dating site like... yesterday so i guess you could say i'm looking. it's honestly embarrassing to me personally to be on a dating site, but after a month's worth of thought, i decided i think that's what's best for me. gave you ever donat​ed blood​?​​ yes. have you ever been to seawo​rld? yep. what video game should everybody play at least once?  "silent hill 2." NO, not because it's my favorite game, but that damn message. it shows that you cannot run from your past and regrets; you instead have to face up to them. what is impossible to understand until it happens to you? mental illnesses what’s a weird thing you are scared of? WHALE SHARKS what is the most enjoyable exercise? biking how much time do you spend putting on makeup daily? i usually don't wear makeup. but if i do, gimme like five minutes have you ever worn faux eyelashes? nope what color is your flash-drive? pink when’s the next time you’ll change your hairstyle and will you color it? hairstyle will remain the same, gotta get the layers trimmed tho. i'm getting galaxy hair after my red fades!! has anyone ever called you fake and do you agree with them? no. do you make an effort to talk to all of your facebook friends, or are there certain people that you talk to the most? nope. i mean i'll "like" some of their statuses and whatnot, but i don't talk to most of them anymore. do you hate your weight? very much so. what kind of mood are you in atm? is someone else responsible for that mood? i'm anxious to do something, and no. who was the last person that asked to hang out with you? tell me the story of how you met that person, everything you remember. colleen asked to hang out a couple days back, spent the night two days. :D i met her in girl scouts, but i barely remember back then. we really bonded in middle school. if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them? it really depends on their situation.0 have you ever worn colored mascara? if not, would you ever think about trying it? and if you have, what is / was your favorite color to wear? ohhh, i haven't, but that'd be cool! who was the last person to pay you a compliment? my dentist. she liked my hair. what color is your purse/wallet? my purse is maroon and black. my wallet is red, black, and white. it's got a harley quinn design on it. before facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like bebo or myspace? i had myspace. which disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? why? uhhh... aesthetically... i guess belle, maybe? or jasmine? if i’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get? DO NOT GET ME THE KINDS WITH FILLING OTHER THAN CHOCOLATE ITSELF OMG if you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? "thank you for saving my life" when you’re going to be at home all day, do you bother to get out of your pajamas? nope. given the choice, would you rather drink juice or soda? soda. i'm aware that's terrible, lol. how many piercings do you have? are there any more that you want? i have two in each earlobe, my tragus, my cartilage, and my nose done. i want a labret lip piercing and the snake eyes tongue piercing, as well as more on my ears. do you play angry birds? no. i recently watched the movie with friends tho, and it's so cute! do you tend to get hungry late at night? YEAH has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? yeah. we didn't actually date, but it was serious flirting, and i consider that cheating. do you blow dry your hair? NO NO NO YOU NEVER WANT TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR. it's thick af and will literally take you 10+ minutes to get completely dry. if you’ve ever had and quit a job, did you actually call in and quit or put in your two weeks notice or did you just stop showing up? at my first job, i talked face-to-face with the manager and didn't show up after i quit. at my second job, i texted my boss and didn't show up after that. do you tend to baby or take care of the people you date, or do you tend to date alpha types that take care of you? ehhh, both? like i think it's in MOST females' nature to be motherly, and i was like that with my ex, but my ex definitely cared for me, too. how would you feel if the person you were interested in refused to perform oral sex on you? i wouldn't mind. i find oral gross, anyway. when you get upset do you have any physical reactions, like prickles in your spine or your knees going weak? my head gets this weird tingling sensation. do you ever “facebook stalk” or go through facebook albums of attractive boys/girls that you have mutual friends with (but haven’t met in person)? do you ever add them? nope. hypothetically speaking, if you ever give birth to a son, would you have him circumcised? yes, in interest of his health. which of your facebook friends posts the most annoying/irritating/enraging facebook posts? what do they post? oh my GOSH, a friend i met at the hospital, whom i won't name for her privacy. she's BEYOND pro-choice, bashes EVERYONE who disagrees with her, posts a billion rants a day, and is just... very shallow in what she shares. is there something that a person can do and watching them do it makes you quite a bit attracted to them for it (e.g., watching someone play guitar, watching a someone work on a car, etc.)? many things, yeah, like the two you listed, but more. what accent do you find most difficult to understand? southern, but only when it's VERY heavy. what movie never fails to make you cry? "the notebook" do you like 3d movies? sure have you ever practiced kissing on a stuffed animal? nope do you let music move your body, or do you hold back? i always hold back why is your favorite store your favorite? i find their clothes aesthetically pleasing can you handle the stress of working in food/customer service? NONONONONO what kind of place would you want to raise your children? idk, the same state i was raised in, i guess. would you let your child have a pet? depends on their age, really. if i think they're mature enough to care for it themselves, yes. do you enjoy talking to people over webcam? NO CAN YOU SAY AWKWARD would you rather die or eat another human being? die. how would you react if a doctor told you that you were infertile? i'd be... pretty devastated. i want kids, but at the same time, i'm so scared to have another life under my supervision. idk. do you like meatball subs? sure. have you been baptized in any religious tradition? yep. what is your favorite meal of the day? breakfast what season were you born in? winter what’s your favorite breed of dog? idk, i like akita inus, chow-chows, beagles... do you use twitter? nope are you a good babysitter?   not particularly.  i'm awkward with kids. how old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?   sigh.  he'll be 23 in two days. what’s the relationship with you and the last person you kissed?   we're nothing but strangers now. has anyone ever told you they were in love with you?   he was apparently full of shit.

[samtheflamingomain]

this is the police 2: 2 this 2 police

I had a love/hate relationship with This is The Police, a strategy game from 2016. It was hard, long, unforgiving, and at points downright infuriating. But it was worth it for the story.

I can't say the same for the sequel, cleverly named "This is The Police 2" instead of "This is Still The Police", or if they wanted to be accurate, "This is Barely The Police".

Because as hard, long and unforgiving as the first game was, it was all that to a point. I can't recall just how many millions of posts I came across during my playthrough that basically said, "It's supposed to be grueling and difficult and punishing," and they were largely right. The point of the game was, at times, to feel defeated. It SHOULD be really hard to run a cop shop while trying not to be the Mafia's bitch. Makes sense.

But there's always a line where you get diminishing returns. A game that must be played nearly perfectly to complete is a hard sell to me. I got through the first game with minimal help, but this one, for some missions I was following step-by-step from a Youtuber and it still took me 50 tries.

That's just the intro. I have a lot to say about this game, mostly bad. So let's get to it. Plot/Story, then gameplay, then miscellaneous thoughts.

In TITP 1, you are Jack Boyd, respected and well-liked Police Chief of Freeburg. By the end of the game, you're a loathed piece of corrupt garbage on the run from the FBI. I criticized the "choices" in the game because both endings, no matter your choice, were ultimately the same. You either end a corrupt cop, or a really corrupt cop.

I start with the first game's story because in TITP 2, the story is so wildly terrible that it hit me like the Harry Potter spinoffs, in that it almost ruined the original for me because it was so bad.

You still play as Jack Boyd, who gets arrested for reasons that I either missed because the subtitles fly by faster than any human can possibly read, or because they sent their writer on a cruise instead of making them come up with a reason.

There's very little reason for anything that happens in this game, which I will demonstrate by telling you what happens next: you, Boyd, someone extremely well-known, whose face has no doubt been on many a new channel in the time since the last game because you're on the run from the FBI, you are put in a drunk tank. When you come to, you are in a cell directly in front of the desk of the Police Chief of Sharpwood.

You manage to convince her that you're Jack Boyd, former Chief of Freeburg, on the run from the law (and why would you be telling her this? Unclear! Fuck you!) and she decides it'd be a swell idea if, y'know, she gave her entire damn job to a criminal who hasn't even made an effort to disguise himself in his flee from the feds. Surely none of the hundreds of cops that work there would recognize him. A former cop. A former Chief. Of. Police. On the run. From the FBI.

I'm not kidding. She lets you out, you go home, and come back the next day and start the game as the First Deputy of Sharpwood. I kind of feel like an insane person because I read nearly a dozen reviews of this game and not a single one addressed how absolutely batshit absurd this opening is. Let alone the rest of the "story"

I'm not even going to bother with the rest of the story because I literally could not suspend my disbelief enough to get past the first goddamn day on the job. To wrap up the shittiness of the plot, I'll just say it was boring, too long, and completely linear. No choices, no multiple endings. Jack Boyd is a shell of his character in the first game, I didn't care about him, and I could barely follow what was happening half the time. Characters just go ON AND ON about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for SEVERAL MINUTES at a time. A 5-minute cutscene could easily have been written as a 30-second cutscene, but hey, the game's 1/3 the length of the first, gotta pad it out somehow.

Onto the gameplay. This time round we have four kinds of gameplay. There's the regular dispatching of officers to crimes like in the first game, investigations like in the first game, turn-based assaults (like XCOM), new to this game, and finally, what I like to call the "HR" gameplay. Let's start there.

There's quite a few elements and mechanics that to me, seem like they'd fall under the jurisdiction of a Human Resource manager rather than the goddamn Chief of Police. This includes remembering things like how Officer Mustard refuses to work with women. Nothing you can do but fire him and be short-staffed! Or, since he has a lot of skills, you just put up with it. Just a whim you have to kowtow to! Spolick won't work with anyone ranked lower than her, and Bradhi won't work with those out of uniform. Those are 3 of about 12 fucking examples, out of 25-30 officers. Sounds like they need a team-building exercise so the Chief of Police doesn't need to have a goddamn Excel spreadsheet open to remember which assholes won't work with whom.

But it doesn't stop there! Not only get to be Chief and Head of HR, you also get to be a chef! On Day 12-ish, the precinct's kitchen staff just leaves, so now you have to plan fucking menus for 5-course meals for your officers. And as if that was tedious enough, all 30 of them have bullshit allergies or whiney shit like "I can't drink coffee because it reminds me of my dead aunt" (Not kidding). The one up-side to this annoying bit of gameplay is just seeing what the meal looks like after literally catering to your officers' every whim. Nothing like a nice bowl of Cajun chili to start, then sushi, a side of enchilladas, orange juice, and for desert, a donut. Or 15 servings of Bananas Foster. Only like $5 more.

The main game, sending officers on calls, seems a lot more complicated than it actually is, which is probably the only positive thing about it. In TITP 1, each officer had 2 stats: their "professionalism" (basically how experienced they are) and, literally, whether or not they're an alcoholic. That's all you need to know or ever will know. Send good cops to the calls? Good results, usually.

In 2 they beefed it up. Now each officer has 7 more stats: intelligence, negotiation (those two should be the fuckin same), shooting, speed, stealth (we do not need all 3 of these) and strength, as well as a stamina bar. Someone learned how to program in RPG stats and got too excited.

Now, I've read in most reviews that people don't like how "random" the calls seem to be. Now, unlike the last game, every single call requires action that you will dictate to the officers at the scene. You get 3 options on how to proceed. Say a robbery - shoot the perp, run after them, or taze them. Well, it's not random what happens. If you pick "run after them", and pick an officer with high speed skill to do this, success. The skills translate directly with these actions. I don't think I ever lost a single call because of something "random".

The same cannot be said of the tactical missions. To be kind... it functions. Barely. There's too many perks, many don't do much of anything, or are used once and never again. Also, adding in equipment was a mistake. Last thing you need is a surprise tactical mission at the end of the day and the only officer you can send that has a tazer is fuckin Persy with his 15 prof score and zero skills. Too many variables spoiled the pot that could've been a decent part of the soup of gameplay. Sorry, that analogy got away from me.

A lot of people will shit on how 90% of these missions need to be done with complete stealth, but aside from the one really, really hard one near the end, total stealth isn't too hard to do.

In TITP 1, I used a walkthrough for every single "investigation" where you have to put the images in order to recreate a crime, because the art style was too minimal to even tell what was happening in each frame. They heard that and put a label on each frame saying what it's depicting, so that's an upgrade. Overall, though, I'd say it's the only one done well.

Finally, stray thoughts. I mentioned how shitty the plot was, but also, so are the characters. Spoilers for the ending now, but let's be real, 90% of players won't bother playing through. Lilly is just a fucking doormat with no character development. Lana goes insane in 0 seconds flat and somehow keeps Boyd prisoner in his house while still letting him go to work? So then Boyd shoots her after a few days of that. Then what the hell, also strap a bomb to Lilly's snowmobile and kill her. Why? Very unclear! Fuck you!

Then, in the final scene, despite having literally shot someone in his house, Boyd's chillin in his chair while his courrier brings him groceries. It mirrors the opening scene in which a courrier brings him shittier groceries. What a development.

Jack did questionable things in TITP 1. And I played a "clean" game - I was as uncorrupt as the game allowed you to be. But in this game, he's just a pathetic drunk who goes through absolutely nothing, no character development, and STILL gives a shitty ending. Because, in the last game, the ending was shitty because it was kinda sad. Boyd wasn't a bad person. But in 2, he is. He's a dick for no reason and ends up on top, all enemies defeated, he's Chief of Police despite still being a wanted man. (Again, have I mentioned how stupid that is? He's not fucking Clark Kent.)

That's about all I got. 2/10, do not recommend. Even the highlights are hard to recall. Play the first game, though. That one, especially compared to this hot garbge, is worth the struggle.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[akayamadanjaydotcom]

I have finals tomorrow, so I’m drunk and watching Rotten Tomatoes’ worst movie EVAR

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes with 116 critic reviews. It starts off with a few minutes of the blandest rock 2002 had to offer, over opening credits blaming “KAOS” as its director.

A woman has her child taken away and she can only muster an unconvincing shrug. Now someone is beating people up over record scratches.

I can’t believe this guy’s name is actually “Ecks.” Just call him “X.” Make him “Agent X.” Otherwise it looks like someone saying “XD” ironically. Another person is named “Bins,” so they clearly chose names by throwing darts at manly phonemes.

Ecks walks through the rain while clips play from that episode of Mythbusters where they blew up a car for no reason.

Lucy Liu is keeping a kid in a hamster cage. My roommate walked in on me pantsless to give me my bike key back, so I missed some conversation on a bridge. This FBI guy is telling a guy to commit suicide, and bongos are playing. It’s really disconcerting.

“His nickname: Prince of Darkness.” That’s the bullshit you get when you let someone pick their own nickname. Blah, blah, someone tried making the perfect human assassin and gave up and made death-robots instead. Now they’re watching Lucy Liu beat people up and also I might be misunderstanding this but I think they talked about China’s One-Child-Policy for some reason. Ecks must find Lucy Liu, playing Sever, a name so dumb I don’t want to use it.

Ecks pops some pills. His partner asks, “Is that why they call you Ecks?” He responds, “I’m on a diet.” I don’t know what that means, so I still hate his name. Is this an ecstasy thing, maybe? It never comes up again. 

Some thugs try to capture Lucy Liu by putting a gun to her back in a public place and shouting “Freeze!” Why would you do that? That is the dumbest way to kidnap someone possible, outside this video of a guy at a concert who just tries to lead a singer offstage.

It took me a while to set up that link, and I missed an action scene, but I don’t care. Lucy Liu is shooting a minigun in slo-mo. Sure.

Now Ecks warns someone over walkie-talkie to leave a crime scene before they got shot, and then the guy gets shot. Then Ecks appears on scene. Why were you using walkie-talkies? You were like ten feet away from one another.

Ecks and Sever fight until they look like they’re about to kiss. Then they fall down a building, and it’s really hard to figure out where they are in reference to one another.

“My daughter asked why you look so sad. I told her it’s because you got beat up by a girl.” Thanks, dude, great. Also, I think Ecks looks sad because Ecks is a one-note character with no depth.

Lucy looks at computer-plans for the death-robot. It looks like a dopey sea-turtle. She zooms into a person’s arm, and there’s a sea-turtle-death-robot in someone’s blood? It’s the kid’s arm, I think. The kidnapped kid has the sea-turtle-death-robot inside him.

Pausing over some computer stuff, Lucy Liu is described as “Orphan Class Werewolf Grade Wet Design Prime.” It also references the Sword of Damocles, and since her character is named Sever, this is officially the only clever thing in the film. And it’s literally blink-and-you-miss-it.

Lucy looks up Ecks’ profile, too. He has survivors guilt because his partner died in a car-bomb. We’d better get him running towards a car shouting “NOOOOO” by the end of this.

A phone conversation with Lucy Liu and the bad guy, Gant, tells us the death-robo-turtle is totally in the kid’s blood. Gant put it there, because evil scientists always do this kind of stuff to their kid. You know? Shit.

“You promised me this would never happen.” This? Specifically? A child-kidnapping because he had a sea-turtle-death-robot in his blood? Who promises to their spouse that their child will never be kidnapped? That’s a red flag, at best.

Lucy takes some time aiming a rocket-launcher from a high-way overpass, and all the cars are like “okay” until she fires it. Then like twenty seconds of explosions occur, and I don’t think they’re even close to any of the characters. It’s just explosions.

Ecks confronts Sever and gets his ass handed to him, and Sever is like “your only character trait is you care about your wife, right? Gant has her!” but I thought that was clear from the beginning. Gant is the evil guy behind everything, including sea-turtle-death-robots, and we’re supposed to be surprised he’s behind that dangling subplot, as well?

The kid Lucy Liu is keeping in a hamster cage thanks her for bringing him food. His food tray had macaroni and cheese, jello, and a Hostess Pastry, so I guess I’d be thanking my captors, too, if they kept me in a hamster cage but at least fed me decently. Still, this isn’t making Sever a likable character. She kidnapped this kid, it’s a little difficult to pull off a heartwarming moment between them.

“If you don’t want to do this, then quit!” “I can’t it’s my job.” THAT’S WHY SHE’S TELLING YOU TO QUIT. Gosh, Ecks, come ON. But it’s turning out that the kid in the hamster cage is Ecks’ son? I think? And they showed the car explosion, but there was no running up shouting “NOOOOO” so it hardly counts.

Ecks meets his wife and now Sever is on his side. Except she kidnapped his son. She says she’s protecting him, not kidnapping him, and I guess that’s kind of true, but you don’t protect someone by locking them in a hamster cage. Ecks asks Sever, “what do you know about my son?” and I just have to imagine her saying “well he likes macaroni and cheese and jello and is remarkably okay with being locked in a hamster cage.”

Mom reunites with child and honestly this must be the most well-adjusted kid in the world. He’s fucking unflappable. “I wasn’t even scared,” he says. “Where were you, Mommy?” he says. Not “There’s no toilet in this hamster cage, I’ve had to poop in the corner like an animal.” Not “I must seek sunlight and also therapy.” Goddamn.

Now Gant sort of implies the kid is really his son, and he’s tricking Ecks into protecting him? Or something? I’m not sure who’s fooling whom. Who? Whom’st’d’ven’t?

“There are no innocent people, only killers and victims.” Then the victims would be the innocent ones. Oh my god. Proof read your scripts. Don’t just write stuff that sounds cool.

The climax seems to be Ecks and Sever pressing three buttons, each of which causes successively larger explosions. Ecks shoots a truck and it explodes. Then he shoots people. Goons ambush them. They shoot them. “Let’s finish this.” Thank GOD.

Bad guys chase Sever, not even firing at her. Then they shoot when she’s not there. I hope this text is tiring to read, because these endless explosions and shootouts are tiring to watch.

Finally the bad guy confronts Ecks, and is like “give me back my wife and kid” and Ecks is like “they’re not yours” and the bad guy is like “I’d hate for either of them to get hurt” in a threatening voice. Dude, you just threatened your own family. That is not bargaining.

Ecks defeats them with MOAR SPLOSIONS and it’s STILL not over. It’s Sever’s turn to shoot people. Then, for variety, she knife-fights another big bad guy, the Prince of Darkness. We get the same bland rock music which has played behind every scene. She throws him into a convenient vat of acid, while the bad guy Gant also explodes the acid at the same time.

The super well adjusted kid is afraid of Gant. Why? Gant was his Dad for his whole life. Suddenly he’s afraid of him? He wasn’t even afraid of being locked in a hamster cage for, like, days. Gant checks his kid for death-turtles, and finds none. Sever shows up behind him and it’s supposed to be this big moment. I don’t even remember what beef Sever had with Gant. Gant is just the bad guy.

And oh, man, Gant had the super-death-turtle in him. He collapses.

This movie was beyond dumb. I want to become a Rotten Tomatoes critic just to add another rotten review. It’s not even so-bad-it’s-good, it’s an unending slog. And whose kid was it? Is Ecks a dad now?

If I’m lucky, I won’t remember this tomorrow. If you want to join me in that bliss, start drinking now.