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thatphatoven · 3 years ago

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The Little Mechanic

Childe x female mechanic reader

Prologue

A mechanic from Snezhnaya reunites with a childhood friend.

AN; The prologue is a bit confusing since two stories were told at the same time; I did that to make it more interesting and wanted a flashback with your fellow companion. Also, this is my first story that I'm playing around with, so some parts might change, but that really depends.

word count; 1,328

Unedited

The cold misty morning nipped your skin as the sound of chirping played their familiar melody. Huffing, you leaned forward, gripping the straps of the hefty leather backpack. On the right side of your hip, dangling proud, was the purple electro vision swaying back and forth with your steps. Liyue ruins were bizarrely calm at this hour, with the lack of destruction from the Fatui or the abyss order itching to kill whoever was there. Only nature at its finest reclaiming territory. Grinning, you leaped the last couple of steps; to be greeted by the vast land of mountains as the wind dance around you.

Liyue was definitely different from Snezhnaya.

Instead of the endless snow from Tsaritsa, Rex Lapis gifted Liyue with beautiful forms of rocks, along with historical battles hidden deep in these ruin lands. Anyone greedy for riches only dares to explore these areas, but not you. The badge of a hammer stitched on your newspaper cap tells a different story. You were just a nameless mechanic shooting your shot in a bustling nation. Though not everything comes cheap. Living accommodations were hard enough to pay, but haggling for overpriced supplies was another finance. Besides, why waste time on that when the remains of an old society are available for you to seize.

"Must we walk all this way?" Wheezing, a little blue mage pushed himself to the last step. Leaning forward, the wand in his hand carried half of his weight as he pants in exhaustion. "Sorry, but you know how badly I want to see the view," you spoke. Unclasping your bag from your back, you handed him a bottle of water. "stay hydrated, midget" "I can't have you dying on me now, or I'll have to drag you back to the inn. "

"I hate you."

You smiled at his words as he chugged the remaining drops of water. Meeting Gever was an accidental blessing. Aside from being a full-time mechanic, once in a while, you did some odd commissions from the adventures guild to earn a quick buck, like Lan's request to locate the unseen razor or typically clear out a hilichurl camp. After a yet failed attempt searching for the sword, you witness a hoard of abyss mages hovering over a chest. Doing their usual chants, and rituals one particular was chanting away from the group. How odd.

What was more abnormal was that it didn't have a shield to protect itself. His steps were also off from everyone else; somehow, though, he manages to keep up. Deciding it was time to leave, a blonde-headed girl trek towards them while catching their attention. Startled, they all pointed their wands in her direction, preparing her demise. Throwing shards of ice and water at her, she began her attacks with boulders of rocks as her protection. That abnormal abyss mage watched from its spot. Its body trembles at the sight of its comrades meeting their faith. Suddenly he ran, his little legs pushed forward to your direction, not knowing another human was there, instantly slamming into you.

"Stay back, or I'll hurt you" it pointed the end of its wand at you.

"Hey, greasy! You lost your hearing?" snapping out of your daze; you looked at your companion approaching. "Seriously though, it would be better leaving me back in the inn so that I can be safe from everyone," Gever complained. "If I did, then who else can help me carry all of the chaos circuits?" "Maybe that Guhan nerd?" he grumbled, kicking a pebble out of annoyance.

"He'll bother me with questions and bring that exorcist with him; I can't add more baggage when you fill the entire bag." "And beside the inn will probably send me to the millelith for hosting a little fugitive." "Let's just get this over and done with." sighing, he trek ahead of you, with his shoulder sagging. You followed behind, shaking your head at his actions.

"Hurt me?" crossing your arms; you stared at the abyss mage with boredom. "Don't take this as a joke, you-you stubborn weakling!!!" the mage stomped his feet on the ground, gripping tightly on the staff. "If I remember correctly? I'm not the one who ran away from battle" "Well, uh, because I'm not prepared to fight" "Alright."

You shrugged and turned around from the harmless being and began your journey back to Liyue. "W-wait!" he cried. Dropping on his knees, he wailed, "I know I shouldn't trust a stranger, but also a human. I'm just weak and extremely terrified of being alone." "If you can tell, I can't create a shield, and my chants are weak against a slime nevertheless a magicless civilian." staring back at the field of destruction, the young adventurer stood triumph looting the chest the mages possessively guarded. The fight was an exciting show, especially how a visionless traveler was able to use the power of Geo, but it was the way she played with bladed caught your attention. It wasn't the skill she controls that scared you. Instead, it was the locked-up memories from the past that resurfaced.

The afternoon fell on you and Gever, and the entire time, the little mage complained.

"My feet hurt" "I'm not carrying you."

"Can we take a five-minute break?" "We had one a minute ago."

"Just to let you know, I can't use any cool spells to protect us" "Yes, you told me this before we left."

Shaded under a sunsettia tree, both of you were sitting outside the abandoned laboratory munching on the fruit. The ruins in front of you were notorious for their scrapes and the abandoned research lab for the eleventh harbinger Dottore. The fluid of a sunsettia landed on your blue overalls as you stared at the entrance. Something wasn't right. Signs of other lives indicated you and Gever wouldn't be exploring alone. The path had fresh shoe prints of not only two adults but also a child. If you also look close to the doorway, it was slightly ajar.

"let's go," adjusting the backpack on your shoulders. You helped Gever on his feet as he started his new list of complaints. "Are you sure I should go in? What if a ruin guard squishes me?" "Then I'll replace you with Xingqui" "You are a cruel mechanic." He stuck to your legs as you entered the domain. Whoever was here definitely assist you in lighting the area. Vines covered the walls, with the occasional branches hampering your path. Sounds of the machinery moved in beat, stopping every second only to start again. Once in a while, you pause to loot crates digging for good resources. It was the sound of laughter that made you froze. "We're gonna die!!" Gever, he exclaimed in a whisper. His grasp on your leg tightens much more, frantically searching for the source. "Ignore that; maybe it's just a ruin guard oil that needs to be replaced." You went back to your mini raid. More on edge, the little mage closed his eyes and began his count to ten.

"Teucer!"

The chaos circuit once in your hand fell, now laid on the ground. Your eyes widen at that voice; it held so much mischief and love—Ocen blue eyes. Yes, those innocent pupils that carry the world just for you and him. Shuddering, you grabbed Gever arm and pulled him back to your arrival. If he was here, then more pain will emerge. The mage appeared to be more relieved at your sudden decision. Why was he here? The Fatui long gone don't roam this area mainly for there are way too many active ruin guards alive. The entrance was close, bits of lights shone beneath the door.

"Big sister (Y/N)!"

A cheerful tone paralyzed you. Suddenly more footsteps joined the young boy, a small gasp escape the male behind his brother. Turning around, your eyes met with the same baby blue eyes from all those childhood years ago.

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sisterofleatherfrog · 3 years ago

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Star Wars Kinktober day- 1

Prompt: Symbolic jewelry

Sub! Tup x Female (AFAB) OC

Hello! Willkommen to the grand opening of me doing Kinktober (even if this post is a few hours late for the actual 1st 😅)! Here is my prompt list derived from Kinktober lists by @ink-and-flame. Their prompt lists are phenomenal, but for the sake of my ADHD I had to whittle it down into a more finite list of interests that I am comfortable writing and know at least a little about it, or else I’ll just get lost in the sauce of prompts! But seriously, go check out their lists, they’re incredibly varied and have something for everyone!

And now without further ado:

Tags: some drinking, sub male, femdom, nudity, almost pussy eating (working up to it in part 2!), pussy worship, praise kink, worship kink (is that a thing?), there’s no sex in this fic it’s just the lead up (she is spoicy tho)

Words: 1609

🍑🍑🍑

Under his shirt, the chain and pendant Tup wore brushed cooly against his chest. As unpleasant as the gooseflesh it raised was, the reminder it gave him was anything but.

From the moment he’d awoke that morning, wrapped in arms as pale as the thin sunlight at that hour, he knew what he wanted and began to get ready. A few kisses pecked around his groggy girlfriend, Aurelie’s, face placated her awakening at his rising and he moved to her dressing table to grab the aforementioned necklace. If she wasn’t interested in playing, it would have been put away the night before in it’s felt case, but this morning he plucked it from it’s customary open place before the mirror.

Catching the morning bus he felt it leap and jump with the rhythm of the air vehicle as the pilot navigated Coruscant air-traffic. After the war ended and the clones were given their freedom, sentient rights, and a hell of a lot of backpay, there were questions of what was to be done with them. As it turned out, there wasn’t such a mass exodus from the GAR as previously thought there would be, though many opted to retire from combat positions. Tup chose to oversee the supply requisition and organization for the newly formed Search & Rescue Ops, a subsidiary of the Disaster Relief Squadron, helping places around the galaxy affected by natural disasters. It felt meaningful and good, and he could honestly say he didn’t miss having to carry a gun and constantly keep an eye out for clankers.

After a day of approving supply drops, running reports, and the pendant lightly caressing his chest with every slight sway, he was back on the bus home. A man scowled at him from among the crowd; some people would never see the clones as anything more than meat-droids undeserving of even the life they were given, but the pendant mocked that man’s ideas from behind Tup’s shirt. It was a gift of love freely given to him and he was worthy,

When he returned to his apartment Aurelie was still at work, not getting off until late. As he waited for water to boil he straightened up around the place, clearing dust from the nooks it always returned to settle and gathered laundry. When he came to the bed in their room he came to a spot by the bed and stopped, considered, and opened a drawer to reveal a medium sized case which he deposited neatly on Aurelie’s side of the bed. He already had the necklace, it never hurt to be proactive in terms of their play.

Half an hour later dinner was had and a portion of it was squared away in the fridge with a reminder to reheat it and enjoy and Tup was ready to meet a few of the boys at 79’s. As he changed from his work wear into something light blue and more casual, the afternoon sun caught the silver pendant resting on the tan skin of his breast bone, dying it almost the same shade of pink- before he could finish that thought a beep from his comm sounded informing him that his taxi had arrived outside.

20 minutes, a few levels down, and a familiar neon sign later, Tup was walking into a familiar bar. Nothing had changed about the place, only now armour and dress greys were a rare sight to be seen as the open opportunity for individuality to flourish among the clones led to some, interesting, experiments in style. ‘Speaking of which,’ thought Tup as a discordant but jovial chorus of his name called him over to a table in the corner. Fives, Jesse, Kix, Rex, Waxer, Boil, Cody, and even Wolffe, to his surprise, sat there having already gotten a small headstart on happy hour. It wasn’t a full reunion, others still at work or spread across the galaxy exploring life, but it was always nice to see familiar faces.

They took their time and paced themselves drinking, it was still early and they didn’t have to run off in an hour to prepare for a campaign and weren’t shotgunning a train of shots to try and forget one. Some of them had to be able to operate tomorrow morning though and they parted as the night lowered it’s curtain over day; Jesse and Kix remained however to scope out some of the ladies coming in with the party crowds.

As good as the times spent together were, Tup silently willed the air-taxi to carry him away faster through the legendary Coruscant traffic and back home. He’d worn the necklace, the empty place it would otherwise occupy obvious, if she hadn’t noticed then she would certainly see the familiar box he’d left resting by her pillow. Stars he was ready, the anticipation had built all day, the secret only he kept feeding his need. He was thrumming for whatever Aurelie had to give him.

The taxi stopped and he cursed the second it took for the payment to transfer, the minute in the elevator, the short march down the hall, and the door code he had to spend time punching in-

The entry was dark with the exception of a string of pink fairy lights strung along the wall and leading around the corner to their room. He grinned and, remembering to turn back and lock the door when he was already halfway across the room, soon came to the closed panel that marked their space. He knocked, “May I come in mistress?”

“Enter, darling.” A high, breathy voice answered.

As the door opened Tup entered the threshold and lowered himself to his knees, his hands finding their place on his lap as he gazed upon the shining woman perched on the edge of their bed (somehow, someway, his girlfriend, a part of his brain never ceased obsessing). She regarded him warmly, “Have you been a good boy today Tup? You took your necklace and I really hope it didn’t make you do anything naughty.”

“I was very good, mistress, just for you.” His voice was breathy and quiet, he had been good, and he anticipated his reward. His eyes drank in the milky skin that clothed the leopardess in repose before him, partially obscured by the long, wavy strands of pearly blonde hair.

“Oh I know Tup, you’re such a good boy. You wake me up with kisses, make sure I have food to eat when I work late, and you were so considerate to get our box of toys out for me. I don’t know where to begin, but good boys deserve to be rewarded, isn’t that right my beautiful boy?”

Aurelie’s voice caressed his every synapse as he breathed in air that still held the trace of a burn from a heavy incense and he was already in a state. Her words of praise had passed straight down from his ears to his cock, bringing him to a full erection from the half mast he’d been sailing at since walking through the front door. “Yes, please mistress, yes.” If it sounded like he was begging, Tup didn’t care. Her soft thighs were resting atop one another, hiding from him what he’d been craving all day. Just one simple shift was all it would take to reveal to him where she was no doubt already soft, sweet, and wet.

Her legs uncrossed, but she stood instead of spreading wider and came to stand before him, her curl-crowned mound a tease before him that turned his need to a desperate clamour within him. He held still, eyes glued to hers as she leaned down to him and brought her pillowy lips to kiss him, one hand coming up to cradle his cheek and the other fiddles with his collar for the necklace she’d gifted him. His hands were curled hard on his lap, restraining himself from the urge to reach out and touch; being so, so good and waiting.

Drawing the pendant along the chain away from Tup’s racing heart, Aurelie held it between them and teased: “Is this what you want Tup? Do you want to eat my pussy until you’re begging for me to fuck you, until you cum in me? Or maybe I’ll ride that handsome face of yours all night and let you cum in my mouth while you’re hard at work.” Tup could only manage a tortured moan, the pictures being painted in his head making him dizzy. She lightly laughed and graciously accepted that as her answer, gently leading him across the floor as she walked backwards with the chain still in her hand, him crawling on all fours after her. When she returned to the bed she sat as he looked up at her with lust and adoration.

Still holding the pendant, she slowly drew her legs apart, raising one to rest on the bed so her pussy and the glorious pink of her vulva were wide open on display for Tup in his current position. Aurelie considered the pendant again for a moment. “I’m glad I found that artist, it’s a wonderful likeness, isn’t it darling?” From the petal-like folds of her labia minora to the majora that protected them and the unique hood that shadowed her marvelous clit, it couldn’t belong to anyone else. The highest honour Tup felt was being lucky enough to be the one person allowed to worship it.

“Stars yes, mistress!” He agreed emphatically and Aurelie laughed lightly again and let the necklace fall back into its place from her fingers.

“Well, come and get your reward Tup.” He gladly obliged.

🍑🍑🍑

So yeah, Tup as a Sub wears a necklace of his girlfriend’s vulva when he really wants to be her good boy (; It also helps that it’s really pretty ✨👀✨

Also sorry if this is a little off, this wasn’t even alpha read, let alone beta read.

Aurelie is one of a few OC’s I’ve used in my daydreams, she may make another appearance in another story if I think she’ll fit! I may try and do some art too…

As for the boys at the bar, I came up with ideas for what they’re up to now and may either write other Kinktober stuff in this AU, or do some drabbles later (though I could include the Kinktober stuff in an AU drabble, right?). I didn’t include it in the story though because I felt like it would disturb the flow too much. I’ll probably detail the AU in another post if I do end up doing that.

Kinktober works so far

Masterlist

#kinktober #kinktober 2021 #star wars #the clone wars #sisterofleatherfrogwrites #tup #ct-5385 #clone trooper tup #minors dni #sw #tcw #sw tcw #the clone wars fic #tup x oc #please let me know if I've broken tense #I'm bad at catching that #but please be nice as I am but a delicate frög

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hxdrostorm · 3 years ago

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▌𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄 : CT-7567

▌𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐋𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐍 : Single

▌𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐑 𝐏𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐒 : None. However, Rex is a highly skilled fighter, which is to be expected from a clone. Especially someone who stands, as a commander.

▌𝐄𝐘𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑 : Brown

▌𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑 : Naturally black, however he dyed it light blond not too long into the war.

▌𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐘 𝐌𝐄𝐌𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐒 : N/A

▌𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐒 : N/A

▌𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐃𝐎𝐍'𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 : Due to his upbringing and lifestyle, it’s difficult for him to enjoy anything that has nothing to do with war or battles.

▌𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐁𝐈𝐄𝐒 / 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒 : Again, due to his lifestyle. It’s extremely hard for him to find the chance, to do anything unrelated to the war. Although, he tries to spend as much time as he can with other clones. He enjoys, getting to know them.

▌𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐔𝐑𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 : Yes

▌𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐊𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 : Yes

▌ 𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 : Dobberman

▌𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐇𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐒 : Rex tends to hold many preconceptions and prejudices, against things he isn’t entirely familiar with.

▌𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐒 : Anakin Skywalker, as both a jedi and general. Ahsoka Tano, and Jango Fett.

▌𝐒𝐄𝐗𝐔𝐀𝐋 𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 : Bisexual, with no clear preference.

▌𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐀𝐆𝐄 / 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 : Such thoughts have never crossed his mind. They would most certainly unsettle him, due to a lack of a proper answer to it.

▌𝐒𝐓𝐘𝐋𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐅𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒 : Unfortunately Rex isn’t familiar with anything, aside from what the kaminoans and the Republic provided him with throughout his life.

▌𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 : He deeply cares about any other clone, and his heart goes out to those he really had the chance to truly get to know. Echo, Fives, Kix, just to name a few.

▌𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐀𝐂𝐇 𝐓𝐎 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏𝐒 : Despite Rex’s overall friendly demeanor towards other clones, he isn’t the easiest person to truly befriend. As it turns out, he is pretty hesitant about forming bonds and connections with others.

▌𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐊 : Rex has had the chance to try a wide variety of alcohol beverages and drinks. He clearly has a knack for them.

▌𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐀𝐓 : His own private quarters, when they aren’t in the middle of a battle but his presence is still required. In the rare times he is off-duty, Rex can be found in clone bars alongside his comrades. He doesn’t try to stray away from places, where clones tend to frequent in Coruscant.

▌𝐒𝐖𝐈𝐌 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐂𝐄𝐀𝐍 : As part of his training, he was trained for underwater combat back in Kamino. As such, he has only had experience in swimming in the ocean.

▌𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐑 𝐓𝐘𝐏𝐄 : Athletic and muscular.

▌𝐂𝐀𝐌𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐑 𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐎𝐑𝐒 : Indoors.

Feel free to steal it!

#; dash games #▸ captain rex | headcanon ◂#ooc /

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hecckyeah · 4 years ago

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Ah yes i enjoy star wars memes such as

padme's immaculate fashion sense

obi-wan is Tired™

sand

chanel boots

i.h.b.p.f.j.a.s.t.m.n.e. y.n.e?? d.m.m.k.y. a.m.a.i.t.t.r.t.d. i.y.a.n.w.m.t.y.a.m.e. o.a.s.d.i.a.i.w.d.w.i.m. y.w.t.

naturally blond vs bleach dyed rex discourse

hey master fisto plz put on a shirt

hello there

gEnErAL keNObi

razor crest? don't you mean 2003 honda civic

space dads. space dads everywhere.

sleemo

greetings, exalted one

artoo is constantly swearing and has a running inner monologue in all caps

anakin eats bugs

#please add more if you wish #this is the media i decide to waste my time on #no regrets #star wars #jokes

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rogueclonesftw · 4 years ago

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hello! i don't know anything about your OC's, but i saw your post. could you perhaps list all of them with a short summary? 🙏🏻💕

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry this took so long to answer. I moved house and it was A Lot. My OCs are legion so for the sake of everyone else’s dashes I’m putting this under a read more

These are just for the clone wars era I’m leaving the rebels out of it

Thanks for asking!! Feel free to ask about anyone if you want to know more.

fair warning this is long af

I’m splitting it into sections to make this easier

Heretics

Jedi

Bela Rant

Togruta Jedi Master and mother Master of four Padawans children. Not a favourite of the Council due to differences in interpretation of the Code. Had an ongoing feud with Qui Gon Jinn that lasted until he died. She died in the war ten years later and Col took over her command.

Alask Racor

Grumpy Twi’lek first Padawan of Bela, had two Padawans of his own but was killed by pirates before the second was knighted.

Reya Meraska

Alask’s first Padawan. A human from Jedha and compassion incarnate. Had an uneventful apprenticeship and grew up to be comparatively quiet compared to the rest.

Ben Edo

Reya’s first and so far only Padawan. The model of a perfect Jedi except for thinking their interpretation of the Code is bullshit. Would have made one hell of a politician if he could stand the Senate. From Dantooine.

Tol Koden

Alask’s second Padawan, a very polite Zabrak. Alask died when he was 17 and Jos took over his training. He and Ben are the same age and were raised basically together.

Jos Vel

Stubborn and opinionated Kiffar. Bela’s second Padawan. Had her own (equally stubborn and opinionated) Padawan and then took over Tol’s training when Alask died.

Harlan Konshi

Jos’s Padawan. Also a Kiffar. Would also make a fine politician because being raised by Jos taught him to argue. He’s a bit of a jackass but in a charming way. Like, he’s a prick but you still like him.

Azaana Tyl

Harlan’s sweet, quiet, shy Togruta Padawan. Jos laughed so hard when she heard about that. Harlan is trying to teach her self-confidence. The baby of the family.

Col Blackmoor

Bela’s third and most disastrous Padawan. The former Temple Problem Child (now Temple Problem Adult). Not that he spends much time in the Temple. Was so far out on the Outer Rim he didn’t find out there was a war on until he had to come back and take over Bela’s legion. The worst case of ADHD the Temple has ever seen.

Lena Sola

Col took her in after an incident with her former Master almost saw her kicked out of the Order. Col intervened. She’s still uncomfortable around most Jedi, but they’re working on it. Sweet kid. Kage.

Aden Jadus

Bela’s final Padawan, knighted just before Geonosis. Yes, she’s from Tatooine. No, that does not mean she knows Skywalker. Stop asking.

Not-Jedi

Vale

The oldest of the bunch, Reya’s Commander. Has enough Big Dad Energy to build a deck at 20 paces. Meat grills in his presence and the shinies all fear his disappointed frown.

Nill

Jos’s Commander. Deeply claustrophobic. A nice, likeable guy unless you piss him off. Caffeine demon.

Jax

Clone Commander and Col Wrangler in Chief, Col regards his Commander with barely disguised awe. He considers him his closest friend. For his part, Jax thinks similarly highly of Col. He likes to draw when he gets spare time (rarely). Grew up with Sonny and Cody. Very protective of Lena.

Crater

Professional Ray of Sunshine, the exact opposite of his twin. Crater and Crash grew up with Wolffe. Crater was assigned to Ben, and he likes his General, really, but the man never sleeps. It’s starting to stress him out.

Click

Professional Salt Mine assigned to the Galaxy’s Politest Jedi because apparently the GAR runs on irony. Makes Wolffe look like a ray of happy, happy sunshine.

Pip

The perpetual optimist to Aden’s incredible pessimist. Remains stubbornly cheerful by choice, because if he doesn’t laugh he doesn’t think he’ll ever stop crying.

Dexter

Professional Grouchy Bastard. Likes Harlan well enough but will absolutely tell him he’s full of shit. If Azaana likes you, Dexter will tolerate your existence. If you make Azaana sad they will never find your body. A training accident left him with scars and a deep growl in his voice that makes him sound angrier than he is.

Stitch

Col’s CMO and the only person Jax legitimately fears. Deeply wishes his siblings and General would get injured less and look after themselves more. Is willing to enforce this with sedatives.

Zip

The Right Hand of God (Stitch’s second in command). He who wields the big needles.

Layne

Cheerful but stressed Captain of a company of reckless idiots who really should know better but apparently don’t. He should be used to it. He grew up with Rex.

Trip and Tap

Two survivors of Krell reassigned to Col. Tap has a nervous habit of tapping his fingers. Trip can trip over thin air.

Jazz, Snap and Void

A trio. Jazz likes to wander off. Void likes to hide. Snap likes to complain they’re giving him grey hair from the stress of having them disappearing all the time.

Ray and Rico

The product of an embryo that split, Ray and Rico lived in fear of being culled as defects on Kamino. They’ve since left Kamino, but the fear hasn’t left them.

Lys

A tired medic who would like Dexter to drink something that isn’t caf please.

Tyke

The medic with the most agreeable Jedi (Tol). He barely has to bully him into seeking medical attention at all. Such a shame that his Commander seems determined to make up for it by being a complete bastard. If Click wants to get tackled in the hallway, that’s his lookout.

Rill

Has a particular interest in medical research. Or he would if he ever had the time.

Corrie

The youngest CMO in the GAR. Just barely 18, only on the field for six months and never meant to be CMO at all. But she’s the only medic Pip’s got left after that clusterfuck, so they’re all doing their best. She might be young but she will absolutely yell at a commander you see if she doesn’t.

New Dawn Crew

Not-Clones

Mira Vin

A female Kiffar former Jedi whose Master died on Geonosis. The Council were going to knight her and make her a General, so she told Windu to stick it up his ass and ran away to the Outer Rim to harass slavers and save “defective” clones.

Kell Vekarr

An Alderaanian former Jedi who was rescued from slavers as a child. Finally took the 20 remaining members of his command and ran when the rest were killed over Ando. Jaster’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Jaster Toran

True Mandalorian bounty hunter who was betrayed by a client and sold into slavery. Joined the crew upon his rescue four years later. Kell’s boyfriend. Autistic.

Riye Toran

Jaster’s older sister who joined the crew to look for him and then stuck around because she liked it there.

Volya’tar

Twi’lek former slave who freed herself and stole a ship. Pilot, mechanic and Mira’s best friend.

Pash Colton

Dyspraxic dyslexic Corellian with more brains than sense. An engineering genius who has wisdom as his dump stat. Also sometimes a smuggler.

Jaina Bell

Tiny and terrifying. Orphaned at a young age and grew up to be a smuggler, mechanic and pilot.

Ela

Nonbinary Lorrdian. Has a long horrendous Lorrdian name they never use. Joined the crew because slavers suck and anything that makes their lives difficult is a good thing. Stuck around for the people.

Black Company

Halcyon

An ARC Captain known for his green hair and endless patience. Considers Kell a close friend but calls him Commander regardless. Used to fight Rex a lot as a kid. Please let this man rest.

Bones

Halcyon’s batchmate and Black Company’s CMO. A cranky bugger, but that’s understandable considering what he deals with daily.

Pax

The peacemaker between his idiot brothers and everyone else for as long as they can remember. A chill guy, but even chill guys have limits.

Tracyn and Carud

Two of the Nightmare Children. Their names are fire and smoke and they cause a lot of both, raising Pax’s blood pressure and driving Bones into apoplectic rage.

Isa

Jaro’s long suffering sister. Usually has to track him down to make him go to sleep. Has a weekly commiseration session with Ari (alcohol optional but recommended).

Jaro

Named for the Mando’a word for reckless and boy howdy is it accurate. The ADHD doesn’t help.

Ari

Rio’s batchmate and she loves her brother dearly but she is so done with his shit.

Rio

The last of the original Nightmare Children, ADHD disaster and source of most of Bones’s workload.

Kee and Jam

Nonbinary comms officers who bicker very cheerfully. Usually with each other. Often at high volume through the halls of the ship.

Torin

Gay artist baby.

Kol

Gay artist bastard.

Charly

Honestly he’s just here for a laugh and his brothers respect him for it. You’ve got to find your joy where you can get it these days.

Dys

Takes great delight in moving Set’s things just a couple of centimetres. Just enough to annoy him. Will deck anyone else who tries the same thing.

Set

Also known as Corporal Square Corners. Everything has to be neat and tidy. He was a godsend before inspections. Now he’s just the reason people have somewhere to sit.

Slip

Known for giving his trainers the slip and disappearing into the bowels of Kamino when they were doing training exercises he didn’t like and then getting stuck and having to be retrieved by Chase.

Chase

More like chase-ing his brother through the halls of Kamino to keep him out of trouble. There’s a running joke that he should have ended up in search and rescue.

Bright

Was he named for his bright red hair or as an ironic comment on his general outlook on life? Who knows? Not him. A pessimist if there ever was one.

Impulse

Full name Have-You-Ever-Heard-Of-Impulse-Control and no, he hasn’t.

Cuyan Squad

Sonny

A naturally blond, autistic, Force-sensitive Commander who survived Kamino by the skin of his teeth. Grew up with Cody and Jax. Hyper efficient Can, will and has broken people’s faces for saying shit about the Coruscant Guard.

Zak

Force-sensitive Captain who despises soup and has incredible claustrophobia. Good with kids though. Autistic.

Force-sensitive autistic Lieutenant. Quieter than Zak, and fully supports his vendetta against soup. Has his own vendetta against food that stabs you in the mouth.

Bang

Force-sensitive bomb-tech. Partially deafened in an explosion which also gave him some pretty intense scarring. Gets nervous when he can’t see people behind him.

Bit

Force-sensitive techie with a penchant for weapons modification and data slicing. Gives the best hugs in the squad.

Tink

If it’s broken Tink can fix it. The resident ADHD Force-sensitive techie. Has a tendency to hyperfocus on projects to the exclusion of all else.

Flow

De facto squad medic because he’s the best at Force-healing of the lot of them. He does not appreciate this, this is not what he trained for, you’re voiding his warranty, vode please. Dyed his hair purple because he could.

Edge

Thrill seeker with electric blue hair and boundless energy. The ADHD doesn’t help with the fidgeting, but he likes to go fast so Force-augmented speed is pretty great.

Ry and Cas

True twins born from the same tube, they’re the Fred and George Weasley of clones. They’ve got the red hair and everything. Judicious use of the Force makes pranks far easier.

Other

Caj, Chess and Blade

The brothers in charge of the homebrew alcohol. The taste is a work in progress, but the last batch didn’t make anyone go blind.

Rictor and Sike

Survivors of Krell who deal with their trauma in very different ways. Rictor is terrified of authority in case they turn out like Krell. Sike figures if he survived that he can survive anything and mouths off constantly.

Kano and Oly

Batchmates who were reconditioned separately (for nightmares and injury, respectively) and reunited upon Kano’s rescue. Oly had been with the crew for months by then. They both cried.

Sitrep, Conn and Sig

Three more nonbinary comms officers. A cheerful bunch who like to argue. Usually with each other. The problems started when they started arguing with their General.

Aran, Orar and Tay

Three heavy gunners who fight TJ a lot because the little twerp is asking for it (literally). Tay is relentlessly cheerful, Aran the exact opposite, and you’re lucky to get three words out of Orar in a row.

Ani, Mirdir and Dajun

Techies and mechanics who prefer wires to people. Mirdir and Dajun have known each other since birth and bicker a lot. Ani mostly ignores them.

Dane

A captain who finally snapped and told his General where he could stick his suicidal orders.

Sprint

Full name Slow-Down-There’s-No-Need-To-Sprint, a six foot ball of energy and barely contained enthusiasm. Usually found hurtling around the place at ludicrous speeds.

Crash

An anxious, autistic pilot who has never crashed his ship. He has, however, crashed himself into doors, siblings, training sergeants.

Rainer

A really chill guy who got shipped off for being too violent after a misunderstanding about a sparring match. TJ’s favourite sparring partner.

Likes to fight, does not care if his opponent could physically snap him in half. Sometimes he just has to beat his brain into submission via getting the crap beaten out of his body. Usually succeeds in provoking the heavy gunners into fighting him.

Zero

TJ’s perpetually worried brother. Really wishes TJ would chill. Dyslexic and has a recurring leg injury that won’t heal. Gets bored easily.

Brook and Storm

A pair of total nerds who get so engrossed in arguing that they don’t realise they’re about to walk into a tree. Frequently wander off and have to be returned.

Jai, Tala, Teek, Niko and Galaar

Five ARCs who got sent back to Kamino for telling their General to go kriff himself. Jai is Force-sensitive. Galaar is just a prick with a terrible sense of humour.

#zay answers #my ocs #oc masterlist #i will update the actual masterlists at some point but for now this'll di #please feel free to ask questions about my babies

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wr1t3-my-wr0ngs · 4 years ago

Note

Somewhat controversial question, but do you think Rex's hair is dyed or natural? Where do you stand on this topic?

Oh boy, now that's a question that I have seen devolve into full blown arguments. Personally, I don't have a preference for natural or dyed. But if I had to pick one, I think I like the idea of his hair being naturally blonde while he still has darker skin.

Because (and I am such a nerd for this to be the reason I like it, believe me I'm aware) it speaks to the genetic variation that's possible in the star wars universe. (Before anyone asks, YES blonde hair and dark skin is genetically possible. There is a population in the Solomon Islands (I think) that has this combination. So far research has indicated that it's a variation that originated within the population, rather then having been introduced. Its a fascinating topic)

Its rather boring, and kinda ridiculous, to assume that every humanoid species/population in the SW Universe will have the exact same genetic combinations, even when accounting for genetic drift. That's just not how genetics works. Each planet (and to an extent solar system, depending on space travel capabilities) is going to have it's own unique twist due to planetary conditions and even cultural preferences.

And we know that clones can and do have different hair colors, the main ones being black (the majority of the clones) and red (like Gree, his choice in hair cuts aside). Now, I'm a little fuzzy on the history between Concord Dawn and Mandalore proper, and I know even less about what the overall population of Concord Dawn looks like, but I do know that blonde hair is a prevalent hair color on Mandalore AND that the two planets are not that far from each other. So it's entirely possible that the gene for blond hair was somehow introduced into Jango's DNA via genetic drift or even just natural occurrence. So it's possible that during the cloning process, some Kaminoan accidentally switched a Cytosine with a Thymine, and by chance activated some dormant part of Jango's genetic history that otherwise would have gone unknown.

I just like the idea that such a small piece of DNA that controls hair color of all things, could speak to the history and relationship between the two planets.

But I also really like the idea that Rex decided that he wanted something that made him him, and not just another face in a sea of faces. That having blonde hair was a choice, a form of self-expression and individuality.

I like the idea because it touches on the (kinda heart breaking) idea of how the Clones have a desire for individuality, to be seen as more than just the same, more than just a never-ending supply of one kind of product, even amongst themselves. How these differences speak to every clones personal identity, how they view themselves, and how they want others to view them.

So to answer your question, do I think Rex dyes his hair or is it natural: I don't know. But as for my preference, well...

#thanks for the ask!#whooo boy thats a loaded question depending on the fan circles

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transbrucewayne · 3 years ago

Photo

for some of you in the notes saying you “don’t trust a random wiki” here’s Rex’s official wookieepedia article

also what about Rex not being a natural blonde is so hard for y’all to believe? “The practicality of it!!” Literally all the other clones had time for personal hygiene and hair care (including, in some cases, dyeing it). “His hair is too short, why would he dye it?!?” Have you never seen a person with a a buzz cut and dyed hair? Also Rex is very bi so it makes sense. “It’s not consistent with his character!!” Yes it is. I refuse for you all to make Rex boring. Also, as mentioned before, he is very bi. Anyway Captain Rex dyes his hair which is the infinitely funnier and canonically consistent option (and it makes more sense when you consider the clone’s genetics and the fact that they’re Maori. Source: Temuera Morrison is Maori.)

The Hair Dye Mystery has been solved. Captain Rex is not a natural blonde!

#captain rex #anyway Rex with blue hair I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT #sw #star wars #op I am sorry abt all the people in the replies immediately saying ‘NO HES NOT’ smh

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jadewestvictorious89 · 6 years ago

Text

Jade West

Character Profile for Jade West

Quotes

“If someone was pushed off this catwalk, and they landed on the floor really hard, do you think they'd live?”

“My favorite toy was a hammer. You finish the puzzle.”

General Information

Name:Jade West

Age:18

Gender:Female

Personality:Jade has a very prickly personality; she is known for being sassy, dark, grouchy, and sarcastic to those around her. She was described as "freaky" by the boy in Ice Cream for Ke$ha, to which she took offense to, but when she was described as "weird" by Moose in Three Girls and a Moose, she acknowledged and admitted it, nodding along (though that was because she was attracted to him). Jade has a 'thing' for scissors, first shown in Wi-Fi in the Sky as her username on TheSlap is 'ScissorLuv'. Her locker is also decorated with numerous scissors, her favorite (horror) movie is The Scissoring, and she even has a favorite pair as shown in her videos on The Slap and buys herself new pairs (Jade Gets Crushed). She also takes interest in pain (Cat's New Boyfriend), a lump of fat (Rex Dies), monkey fur, and blood (Freak the Freak Out (episode)), (Tori Gets Stuck). She also enjoys breathing in the fumes of dead people (Car, Rain & Fire), and likes to pretend she's been captured by witches and is being made into human soup while in hot tubs (IParty with Victorious). She has a macabre sense of humor, usually saying things about people being hit by a bus at various episodes, as well as somewhat sadistic tendencies, such as enjoying people getting hurt, even her own boyfriend being slapped (in a scene).

Jade is jealous, often insatiable, mean, and rude to many people. She sometimes shows authority and control at Hollywood Arts, yelling at others and even using physical force at times. Although she does not usually fight directly, she often retaliates in way "that will make [someone] sad for a long time". She is very possessive of her boyfriend Beck, protecting him from others that have a seem interested in him even as friends.

Despite her tough attitude, she can get freaked out by a few things, revealed by her horrified reaction to a dog attacking who she thought to be Beck (Jade Dumps Beck), freaking out when Sinjin broke into her house (Wi-Fi in the Sky), crying when she learned she was sweating for the first time (Survival of the Hottest), Sikowitz scaring her multiple times (iParty with Victorious), freaking out when Cat removed her eyebrows (Crazy Ponnie), holding onto Beck when soldiers invaded the gang's hotel in Yerba, and getting knocked down by Sheema in Locked Up!

Jade fits the stereotype of a "bad girl" much more than a "mean girl". She is very rebellious, as she doesn't like being told what to do and often points out that she's doing something because she wants to, not because someone told her to (for instance, she got her piercings 45 minutes after her mother said no to Jade), and often claims that she is only doing something because she wants to and not because someone tells her to (The Great Ping Pong Scam). However, she seems to obey Beck, and he is the only one able to calm her down and make her at least somewhat polite and nice to other people, for example in Beggin' on Your Knees.

Jade is a hardworking student at Hollywood Arts, where she dedicates her time to writing, acting, and singing. She seems to favor script writing, as she writes the play Well Wishes in Wok Star and manages to get it produced with the help of Tori. She seems to prefer to star in works she both writes and directs, and these works include: "Clowns Don't Bounce" (Prome Wrecker), an unnamed TV series where she plays the main character and her evil twin (only written; talked about in a post on The Slap), and her re-audition in Helen Back Again. All of these were dark and scary. She also seems to prefer film over stage, as her re-audition for Principal Helen Dubois was in the form of a short film while Beck's was a monologue on stage. Often, her performances are considered "weird" and "disturbing", but most people still enjoy them; an example of this is Well Wishes.

It is shown throughout the series that deep down, Jade is insecure and her heart is broken, which is part of the reason she is so rude towards people. For example, she has often assumed that Beck was cheating on her; she was devastated when she briefly broke up with him and he wouldn't take her back, and didn't want anyone "cool" to see her crying (Jade Dumps Beck). It's pretty clear that Beck is very meaningful to her and she feels empty without him. She also seems to be worried about her father's opinion of her hopes and dreams and went to great lengths to make him enjoy her play "Well Wishes" in Wok Star, which nearly got butchered. She also competed with the rest of the gang to get the most followers on The Slap to maintain popularity and dominance. She gets very upset when a satellite catches a picture of her that makes it look like she is picking her nose in The Bad Roommate and doesn't want anyone to see.

Jade often helps solves the group's challenge and could be considered the smartest (next to André and Beck). For instance, in Ice Cream for Ke$ha, she thought of the idea that the "S" would be found in the least popular flavor of ice cream. In Terror on Cupcake Street, she mentioned that the confetti cannon would scare the thugs away and it did. Even before Tori (and even Trina) joined the gang, she still solved problems, an example of this is in The Great Ping Pong Scam. In her profile video on The Slap, she describes herself as smart and deep.

Jade hates many things for various reasons, as reflected in her TheSlap segment, What I Hate, but she also has two episodes of these segments titled "What I Love", because she does not want to be predictable.

Although Jade seems tough and scary at times, she has been proven to only be very intimidating and she lost her only physical altercation with someone other than Tori (The Wood) and Cat (Crazy Ponnie); Sheema quickly knocked her to the ground in Locked Up!. Despite acting as creepy as she does, she is disgusted by many things including Trina Vega's pimple in Victori-Yes. She can also be quite flirty and feminine even in her dark, blunt nature - for example, she wears a very nice dress to the Prome in Prome Wrecker even though she only attends for revenge.

Despite her usual personality, she seems to have a bit of a soft side for young kids, as shown on her TheSlap.com segment, "Jade With Tots." In her conversations with preschoolers, although she is still herself, she seems more kind towards the kids. For example, when one of the kids talks too quietly, she loosely says "Gotta speak up, sweetheart." Also, when talking to another child, she smiles and says casually, "So I hear you're a little artist. You like art?" She also seems to be quite loving and motherly towards her best friend, Cat.

Occupation:Former student at Hollywood Arts

Appearance

* Eye Color: Blue-Green

* Hair Color: Brown (Season 1); black (Season 2); dark brown (Seasons 3 and 4)

* Trademark: Piercings, tattoos, and colored streaks in hair.

Jade started off as a brunette with blue-green eyes and stands at 5'7". Her skin is noticeably pale, but she got tanner and dyed her hair darker for the second season.

Jade has a Gothic sense of style, and aside from her dark, occasionally laced clothing she wears dark makeup and paints her nails black as well. The jewelry she wears is designed by real life artist Dre Swain, and she also wears dark red Doc Martens and black combat boots. She carries a Gears of War messenger bag. Jade also has multiple streaks in her hair that change color periodically. In season one her streaks in her brown hair are at first pink, blonde and light blue before going red for the rest of the season. In season two she dyed her hair black and her streaks are blue and green. In season three her hair is a dark brown and her streaks are mostly green, but also blue in a couple of episodes. In season four her hair is shorter and her streaks are purple for 10 of the 13 episodes. She also has two piercings, one in her left eyebrow and one on her nose. Jade has a rebel star tattoo on her right forearm and has since gotten another one that was never shown onscreen (Beck mentions that "Jade's getting her new tattoo" in a video on TheSlap.com, Tori Takes Requests #2).

Relationships with Other Characters

Beck Oliver

(2008-present, Boyfriend, with brief break-ups in between)

Jade: You love me again.

Beck: Who said I stopped?

Beck has been Jade's boyfriend and the love of her life for over three years, and she is very possessive of him. She doesn't like him talking to or flirting with other girls who she does not know and has trust issues with him (which is quite common among most teen couples). This sometimes irritates Beck; he once deleted his account on TheSlap.com because Jade kept spamming him and "freaking out", but he rejoined after she promised to stop. She has not done this since he re-joined, showing she can make compromises and she truly does love and respect him.

Her obsession with Beck is first made apparent in the Pilot, when she sees Tori wiping coffee off of Beck's shirt and immediately misinterprets the action as flirting. Though Jade is usually the one to show love in the relationship, the couple are shown to be mutually in love on multiple occasions such as when Beck says "I never stopped loving you". She dumps Beck briefly in the episode Jade Dumps Beck, but has second thoughts about it and quickly wants him back. She goes through a short state of depression when Beck doesn't take her back, even resorting to asking for help from her frenemy, Tori. At the end of the same episode, they rekindle their relationship and continue dating.

Beck also clearly loves to tease and rile up Jade, either by making her jealous or letting her get carried away by her own theories. This is exemplified in Wi-Fi in the Sky when he doesn't tell her his cheerleader neighbor is only 9 years old. Jade later claims that he does this all the time. In Beck's profile video on TheSlap.com, Jade states that they've been dating for two years and been exclusive for a year and a half.

Jade seems to show a softer side when she and Beck are alone, which has been seen on some of their videos on TheSlap. Jade also seems to be meaner and gets into fights with Tori more often when Beck is not there with her. In the last "Jade With Tots" episode, Beck tells Jade that he loves her, which makes Jade’s heart melt and she starts kissing him.

Sadly, in The Worst Couple, they broke up. After this, they rarely interacted, and when they did, they were bitter towards each other. For instance, in How Trina Got In, Jade mocks Beck and says (sarcastically) that he knows everything except how to keep a girlfriend happy. Additionally, both Jade and Beck acted very awkward around each other in André's Horrible Girl, both whispering to a friend that no one told them the other would be there, and they aren't happy about it. It was shown, however, that she still has lingering feelings for him as she was truly upset and hurt when she saw Beck hugging Tori and trying to kiss her in Tori Goes Platinum. Also, Beck seems to still care about her as shown in Opposite Date, when he wants to check if Jade is truly okay with him dating other girls, even though they were broken up at that point (it is quite possible he didn't want to hurt Jade's feelings).

In the episode, Tori Fixes Beck and Jade, after Beck realizes he still loves Jade, she coincidentally sings a song called "You Don't Know Me". They finally get back together and have remained that way for the rest of the show. They became more affectionate towards each other, no longer fight, and are much more physical. According to recent social media posts from Liz Gillies and Avan Jogia, Beck and Jade are still together, are currently living in Beck’s trailer, and they even have a kid of their own.

Tori Vega

(2010-present: Frenemy)

Dude, why are you rubbing my boyfriend?

Jade and Tori's friendship is complicated, and is full of insults and fighting, but it's also one of the closest relationships on Victorious. Jade appears to have had an open rivalry with Tori ever since the first episode (Pilot), where Tori spilled coffee on Beck and was wiping the coffee off him, then when Jade poured coffee on Tori, then Tori kissed Beck for revenge. As of episode 3, Stage Fighting, they seem to be developing a possible friendship, though she still displays a dislike for Tori. In the fourth episode, The Birthweek Song, she gives Tori coffee she found in the garbage and says "Yeah, I'm not really her friend." Despite saying this, Jade comes to Tori when she breaks up with Beck in Jade Dumps Beck, and asks for her advice (though Jade claims this is because she wouldn't want anyone cool to see her in that state). In Freak the Freak Out, Jade tries to use Tori to defeat two stuck-up girls at the Karaoke Dokie after she and Cat were unfairly banned from performing there, indicating that regardless of her hostility toward her, she regards Tori as a worthy performer. In Wok Star, Tori helps Jade produce a play she wrote herself to impress her dad. When her dad admits that Jade's play was excellent, Tori and Jade hug, signaling that the two are now considered friends. In Beck Falls for Tori, Jade helps Tori by forcing her to do the stunt and overcome her fear. In Tori Gets Stuck, Jade tries relentlessly to steal Tori's role in Steamboat Suzy and they seem to be enemies once again. In Prom Wrecker, Tori plans her prome on the same day as Jade's play "Clowns Don't Bounce" by accident, so Jade seeks revenge and tries to ruin Tori's prome. Eventually, Jade's plan backfires. They seem to be back on bad terms, as in Helen Back Again, Jade didn't help Tori get her spot in the school back, in Who Did It to Trina?, Jade blames Tori for her sister's injuries, and in Jade Gets Crushed, Tori states multiple times that Jade is evil. In Tori & Jade's Play Date they work together to revenge against two boys who are annoying them. They finally become friends in Tori Goes Platinum, when Jade sees Tori refuse to kiss Beck because she considers Jade to be her friend and she believes kissing a friend's ex-boyfriend would be wrong. Because of this, Jade gives Tori her spot in the Platinum Music Awards back and cheers her on in the audience showing thus the two becoming friends.

Regardless to say, however, Tori and Jade are enemies at times and at times but they are also friends. So, let's just say they two girls have a strong sense of the relationship, 'frenemy' but we can't say they aren't friends because they do act like it.

Cat Valentine

(2008-present: Best Friend)

Cat: We're hanging out together!

Jade: NO!

Jade and Cat are best friends. While Cat is a textbook girly-girl, Jade is more of a tomboy. They usually expresses concern for each other when they're hurt and calls out the person who caused it. Jade is also less hostile and more patient towards Cat than towards most people (even though she did once say, "Is it a device that can beam you to another table? Because if it is, which button do I push?!" and tells her she's "screwed up"). Cat is not as easily offended by Jade (although in Rex Dies, Jade makes a death threat to Cat, saying, "If someone fell of this cat-walk and hit the floor really hard, do you think they'd live?" and in A Film by Dale Squires, she uses the fact that she's acting as an excuse to slap Cat's face) and actually seems to adore her. Even though Cat unintentionally electrocutes Jade in Rex Dies, Jade is shown as not being extremely upset by it. In the episode Survival of the Hottest, they hug and she spins her around, which implies that they're very good friends since Jade rarely hugs anyone willingly. They seem to love each other like sisters. In Freak the Freak Out, they sing the song Give It Up together. Jade and Cat often comment on each other's boards on TheSlap.

Jade seems to exercise a parental sort of control over Cat and seems to know her very well. Jade admittedly doesn't hate Cat's video profile, and Beck tells Cat how this is a big compliment from Jade. Jade has also been seen sleeping over at Cat Valentine house before in a video[Cat and Jades bedtime story] on TheSlap. It is also mentioned that Beck and Jade babysit Cat sometimes.

It seems that Cat knows Jade rather well, as she managed to get Jade a Christmas present she liked. It should be noted that Jade's attitude towards Cat changes depending on the episode or her mood.

André Harris

(2008-present: Close Friend)

"And... that's for you."

Jade doesn't seem to have a problem with André. They have been friends for at least two years as revealed in The Great Ping Pong Scam. They eat at the same table and talk amongst the same group of people. She does get annoyed by André from time to time, as shown in Beck's Big Break when she is annoyed by him when he's playing music on his keyboard, so she knocks the batteries out of it. On the other hand they seem to be pretty nice to each other, as seen in The Diddly-Bops, where Jade was among the ones trying to console André about losing his record deal. She even pulls Rex's arm off for joking about the situation. In Jade Gets Crushed, André falls in love with Jade, but at the end of the episode, seems to get over her. Also, in The Worst Couple, Jade says something rude to every single character except André, which was noticed by a lot of people. In the final season, they had been seen to have been hanging out a lot more and spending time together. André even laughed a little too loud whenever Jade insulted anyone, even Tori, his own best friend. Fans had noticed this too, and people were questioning whether or not André still had feelings for Jade. It appears that Dan Schneider had meant for this to happen, because he leaked a video of a future kiss between Jade and André uploaded it once more.

Robbie Shapiro

(2008-present: Frenemy)

Robbie: I'll go get you some ice.

Jade: Sit down!

Jade has tortured Robbie during the first series though it has been slowed down since then. She has insulted him and Rex a couple of times, even tearing off Rex's arm with a smirk. In Survival of the Hottest, Jade forces Robbie to give her his water because she is hot and thirsty. She was elated to have Rex die, even with the emotional trauma it would cause Robbie, in Rex Dies. However, her reason was so that Robbie could get over Rex and finally become normal, possibly meaning, in her own way, she cares about Robbie's mental health. They are seen to be at least friendly acquaintances in The Diddly-Bops when Jade compliments Robbie on his song about broken glass, the only character to agree with him on it by saying "I like it". In Wok Star, he shows some compassion for her regarding her play, and confusion at her ways of dealing with stress (i.e.: cutting up a trash can). Yet, he joins in on the plan to make Jade's play better for the opening act. On TheSlap.com, Jade once commented: "Caught myself singing along to Robbie/Rex's song, Forever Baby. What is wrong with me? I don't even know who I am anymore!"

Trina Vega

(2008-present: Enemy)

NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Jade has barely interacted with Trina so far, but she appears to hate her. In Jade Dumps Beck, Trina gives her a flyer advertising her one-woman show. Jade responds by crumpling up the flier and stuffing it down Trina's shirtfront. In Survival of the Hottest, Jade yells bluntly to Trina twice that no one likes her. Also, when Tori asked Jade what she thought she should get Trina for her birthday, she replied wittily "talent", making it clear that she doesn't think Trina has any talent, which is probably what most people would say in the matter. She finds Trina's accident in Who Did it to Trina? hilarious, and even uploaded it online. However, in Wanko's Warehouse, she goes with the gang and Jade turns on Trina as usual.

Erwin Sikowitz

(2008-present:Teacher)

Jade claims that Sikowitz is her favorite teacher in her video profile on TheSlap, and mostly participates in his activities. During "Locked Up!" she is the first to react/run over to greet "their favorite teacher". Sikowitz doesn't really have a relationship with her, although he calls her to be in an improv scene in the "Pilot" and randomly calls on her to be in a Drive-By Acting Exercise, which annoyed her but she did it anyway. Jade was also part of the Diddly-Bops, a children's group that Sikowitz put together for his roommate's son's birthday party. Jade was also the first to comment about Sikowitz's TheSlap page. In "Sleepover at Sikowitz's", Jade is the first to volunteer to go to Sikowitz's house. Sikowitz always says phrases that start with "Ah, Jade..." giving her an advice or making a comment about her personality.

Sinjin Van Cleef

(2010-present; Enemy/Frenemy)

WALK AWAY!

Sinjin has a massive crush on Jade, but she dislikes him very much. In Jade Dumps Beck, when Sinjin heard that Jade dumped Beck, Sinjin told her, "Want one [boyfriend]?" Jade responded, "Walk away." and he did so quickly. Also, when the news of Jade and Beck splitting spread, Sinjin and his friend made an attempt to sit with her at lunch, until Jade merely (and loudly) said, NO and the two walked away. In "Tori the Zombie", Jade said his mother gave birth to the wrong thing. Sinjin was also shown to be in Jade's house, obviously without permission much to Jade's annoyance in "Wi-Fi in the Sky". On TheSlap, he talks about Jade and even writes her poems. This may show he has an unhealthy obsession with her. In Wok Star he helped her with set design. When he tried to talk to her about different kinds of moss to use for the set, she compared it with his hair. He then continued to speak to Jade, which annoyed her and she commanded him to "Go." Before she even finished the word he took off running, showing he always does what she says and greatly respects her (despite him breaking into her house). Tori said it made pee run down his leg. In a video on "The Slap" Sinjin made puppets of him and Jade. He acted as if Jade was in love with him and wanted to dump Beck so she could go out with him. Jade walks into the room to see Sinjin and calmly tells him that is not okay.

Family:Jade's relationships with her family are known to be terrible. According to her, her father "hates [her] guts", has called the cops on her, thinks that all of her creative desires are stupid, and she wants to show him that he is wrong. She seems to disrespect her mother and has called her "stupid" quite a few times, and claims that she loves the movie The Scissoring more than her mother (Three Girls and a Moose). Her grandma doesn't approve of her style, and Jade once told her to "get out of here" when asked about the kind of guy she wanted to marry. She once locked her cousin in a closet, she seems to think of her stepmother as annoying because she takes up all her father's attention, and she enjoys listening to her brother panic. (Most of these examples are from numerous posts and videos on TheSlap.com.)

Biography:Jade's childhood has been noted to be an unhappy one on a few occasions throughout the series. She says that the ice cream reminds her of it, and that her favorite toy was a hammer (Ice Cream for Ke$ha).

She was friends with Andre Harris, Robbie Shapiro, Cat Valentine, and Beck Oliver since at least 2008, where they formed an official ping pong team at Hollywood Arts High School. (The Great Ping Pong Scam) She and Beck also began dating at some point this year (Jade Dumps Beck).

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yeaimfishboi · 7 years ago

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92 Questions Tag

I was tagged by the lovely @theshiphassailed!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Root Beer 2. Phone call: @kpopreactionsftw 3. Text message: @amazethemaze

5. Time you cried: A few days ago

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: No 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Never kissed anyone 8. Been cheated on: Nope 9. Lost someone special: If you mean death, then yes, I lost my best friend my freshmen year of High School after a 2 year long fight with his injuries due to a car crash, and this year in June right after I started the blog I lost a really close friend due to a horrible car crash (I’ve lost many other people but...) 10. Been depressed: Yes very much so. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I will never drink sooooooo no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: Olive Green, Lilac, and White

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Yes *cough* @theshiphassailed @huntingfire2001 @kpopstarsreact @kimjongdaely

16. Fallen out of love: Haven’t even fallen in love

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes but I can't remember when

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Oh yeah

19. Met someone who changed you: Yes @kpopstarsreact and @amazethemaze have been really helping me to get over my social anxiety. Both of these Kats have helped in numerous ways!

20. Found out who your friends are: Yup

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nope

GENERAL

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them

23. Do you have any pets: 2 dogs, a cat, 5 chickens, and about 30 fish.

24. Do you want to change your name: I’ve wanted to see what it would be like to go by my middle name, but even though people can’t spell my name for shit I still like it.

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Does making fake texts for tumblr count?

26. What time did you wake up: 7:15

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping cuz I’m a grandma

28. Name something you can’t do: I can’t draw

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 5 minutes ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: My indecisiveness, my weight,my awful self esteem, my anxiety, procrastination (there’s an entire list)

31. What are you listening right now: Buzzed Unsolved: Post Mortem

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes, my asshole drunk uncle.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: A lot of things.

34. Most visited Website: Tumblr

35. Mole/s: I have a lot. I have one (that was removed) on my upper humerus, one on my jawbone, and pretty much everywhere.

36. Mark/s: I have scars everywhere. On my legs, my shoulders, my knees, my knuckles, (Pretty much anywhere you can find a mole you will find a scar)

37. Childhood dream: I wanted to either be a marine biologist or a voice actor in Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

38. Haircolor: Natural hair color is black, but right now the ends are turquoise.

39. Long or short hair: Medium, it extends two or more inches past my collarbone.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: Other than my husband, yes I have a crush on someone.

41. What do you like about yourself:I’m very creative and Caring. 42. Piercings: 2 on my ears 43. Bloodtype: I have no clue

44. Nickname: Mom, Kait, Kaity, Kermit, Doge, Rex’s Girl (I was always called that by my star wars friends), Spencer, Big sis, my ex (who was also my best friend at that time) used to call me KK (it stood for Kinky Kaity, because of my prude-like personality back then)

45. Relationship status: Forever alone, and ugly.

46. Zodiac: Gemini 47. Pronouns: She/Her

48. Favorite TV Show: DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, Star Wars Rebels, and Buzzed unsolved.

49. Tattoos: None right now, but I want at least two (One in memory of my best friend).

50. Right or left hand: Right handed 51. Surgery: Yes, two foot surgeries, and I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.

52. Hair dyed in different color: I’ve never dyed my full head but, I have been half blonde, half red, half fuchsia, half dark blue and turquoise, and half turquoise.

53. Sport: Marching Band, Swim team, and Boxing.

55. Vacation: Ummmmm Maldives (idk, maybe rwanda too)

56. Pair of trainers: Wtf is this?

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Hashbrowns

58. Drinking: Nothing?

59. I’m about to: Try and post a drabble but idk I’m tired and lazy. 61. Waiting for: College, KCon, the Next comicon

63. Get married: Maybe in the future but probably never bc it’s me, (unless you count Donghyukkie)

64. Career: An english teacher in Korea, and after that a composer for pop songs.

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: CUDDLES

66. Lips or eyes: Eyes (I believe they tell a lot about a person)

67. Shorter or taller: Idgaf

68. Older or younger: Both

70. Nice arms or nice stomach:If I had to choose it would be arms. 71. Sensitive or loud: Both

72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: A troublemaker who is a meme like me.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: nope

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No

77. Turned someone down: Yes (its a very long story but, let’s just say I turned down the guy who gave me PTSD about 8 times in 1 hour).

78. Sex on the first date: Fuck no

79. Broken someone’s heart: Idk

80. Had your heart broken: Maybe once romantically and that was maybe more of a friend issue thing, and My heart shattered when I lost my best friend.

81. Been arrested: nope

82. Cried when someone died: Yes but not as much as you’d think I would.

83. Fallen for a friend: I’ve dated a friend but I didn’t really fall for him.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: Ngl but nope, absolutely not

85. Miracles: Hell yeah, a lot of things about me are miracles.

86. Love at first sight: NOPE

87. Santa Claus: Kinda no.

88. Kiss on the first date: Not really.

89. Angels: Yes, I honestly believe I have a guardian angel watching over me.

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: Peyton and Zoe 91. Eye color: Hazel with gold rings around my pupil.

92. Favorite movie: Guardians of the Galaxy 1 and Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

I tag: @huntingfire2001, @kimjongdaely, @kpopreactionsftw, @amazethemaze, @bfjhs, @kyungsoosjagiya ;) @kpopstarsreact @mikapeanut @kawaii-hedgehog, @goomfrugluh @blogmarareactions

#i felt like this turned into a please pity me post.#I swear it wasn't

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happytroopers · 8 years ago

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The Brotherhood of the time traveling daughters.

Paraphrased request: Kix, Echo, Fives, Rex, and Hardcase, have a daughter they don’t know about visit them from the future. Said daughter is a total badass for the rebellion.

A little background so this isn’t completely confusing: The daughters are the children of {insert above clone here} and undisclosed females that the clones haven’t met yet. This is written in 3rd person because I want to, do with that what you will.

Forewarning: this is gonna suck but please still read.

Not many things distracted clones from their work during a battle, but a glowing blue portal in the middle of the sky above the battle field was one of the few. It even confused the droids (not that it took much) enough to create a cease-fire. The clones didn’t stop firing until the generals held up a fist, signaling to halt. A few moments later, the portal spit out a small space craft before closing as quickly as it opened.

Said space craft had seen better days: it was flaming as it streaked over their heads, pieces were falling off of it causing troopers to dodge the debris (the cherry on top was that several droids were flattened by falling refuse), and everyone on the battlefield could here the sirens and alarms as it flew (or rather: fell) past them.

With the excitement out of sight, the jedi generals used the droids’ distraction to resume fire on the stationary enemies. By the time the tinnies got back into the swing of things, they didn’t stand a chance- winning a swift victory for the republic.

After the battle, in the debriefing room Rex was feeling anxious. He stood beside Commander Cody with his hands clamped behind his back listening to the Anakin and Obi Wan discuss how to go about the mysterious crash. Well, Rex was half listening, he was internally wondering why he felt so drawn to this carrier and why he was fighting every instinct to not just walk out of the debrief to find these people.

“Rex, you feel anxious. What do you have to say about this?” Obi-Wan mused in his usual stance, an arm holding up his other arm while stroking his beard. The clone captain snapped a helmeted head towards the older Jedi. He took a moment to formulate his words so he didn’t come off as defective. (He really doubted a clone saying “I feel completely drawn to these people and am bursting at the seams to make sure that they’re not dead please let me go” would convince them).

“I feel that no matter their means of arrival, not only did they minimize casualties and expenditures but they also were obviously in trouble. Therefore, utilizing the utmost caution, it is our duty as extensions of the Republic, to offer a helping hand.” Rex answered as formally as possible.

“Well said. Rex, Cody: Get them men ready to move. Tell Kix and Coric to bring a lot of extra medical supplies.” Anakin decided.

“Yes, sir.” The two clones echoed before walking out. Once secluded from the jedi, Rex looked to Cody.

“I’ve got an strange feeling about this.”

During the debriefing, Fives and Echo tried to relax by sitting on some cargo crates outside a gunship, but they both shared that same feeling of anxiety that Rex had. Both fidgeting, they kept glancing at the smoking sight of the wreckage.

“I wonder if whoever was on that rig is okay now.” Fives wondered aloud. Echo glanced from his arc-trooper brother back to the distant smoke. “I don’t know why, but it’s bothering me.”

“Same, brother, but don’t say those things, it makes me even more antsy.” Echo replied, wiping a hand over his face.

“I’m sure the generals will wanna check it out. A lot of the boys wanna thank whoever they are for saving our arses.” Fives continued.

Across the campground, Kix was trying not to let his mind wander to the crash as he patched up Hardcase. It didn’t work, not that Hardcase was paying attention. His mind was with the shipwreck too.

“Kriff, Kix, take it easy, brother.” Hardcase hissed, trying not to flinch away from the medic as he was brought out of his reverie.

“Sorry, brother, just lost in my thoughts.” Kix apologized as he unwrapped the too-tight bandage from the other clone’s torso before rewrapping a tad looser. Once he was finished, Hardcase turned to face the medic.

“Not to pry, but are you thinking that wrecked ship?” Hardcase whispered, as if it was shameful, looking past Kix to the distant smoke rising above the planet’s dense tree tops.

“Yeah, I’m worried about whoever it is. I’m actually afraid that they’re dead. I want to double time it there and help them.” Kix admitted, glancing from the wreckage back to Hardcase.

“I was feeling the exact same thing. Is this what Jedi feel like?” Hardcase mused, slipping his armor back on.

After calling all the men to center camp, Rex and Cody made the announcement.

“Men, we’re heading east towards the wreckage. As extensions of the Republic, we’re offering the survivors a helpful hand, but be on guard. Just because we’re good men, doesn’t mean they automatically will be.” the 212th commander announced before motioning to Rex.

“We’re going off the ‘good people until proven otherwise’ sentiment. Medics, bring as much medical supplies as we can manage while traveling- we don’t know how many people could be on that craft. We leave in half an hour.” Rex finished. “Meet at the edge of camp in thirty minutes. Dismissed.”

With that announcement, Kix, Hardcase, Fives, and Echo all slumped slightly with relief. As expected, thirty minutes later, they were all impatiently waiting for the rest of the company to arrive and depart.

It took an hour and a half walking to reach the wreckage, and the aforementioned troopers really wanted to speed up the pace, but kept their mouthes shut.

Finally, they arrived at the smoking pile of what was once a ship. The generals told Rex and Cody to assemble a team to explore the wrecked ship in search for survivors. Cody, promptly left it up to Rex after seeing how anxious the 501st captain was. Fives, Echo, Kix, and Hardcase were the chosen team as the fates would have it.

Inside the ship, it was a mess. Loose wires popped electricity and spit sparks periodically. Pieces of metal had been torn like sheets of paper, leaving parts jutting out in sharp angles.

“Watch your step boys.” Rex warned twisting his hip away from a particularly sharp piece. Beside him, Cody looked at his holo-pad.

“Tech says there’s lifeforms, but somethings puttin’ the single on the fritz. Can’t tell how many.” The canary-painted commander announced, smacking the holo-pad against his thigh as if his aggression would correct the signal output.

“Is there anyone there? Please, help us!” A voice cried, it seemed to come through the wall to the troopers left.

“Survivors!” was chorused around the group before Rex took charge, “Can you hear us? We’re here to help.”

“We can here you! All of our exits are blocked and we don’t have anything to blow a new exit.” The voice, slightly muffled by the wall, chimed back.

“Give us a minute, we’ll figure something out.” Fives stepped forward to reassure. The captain nodded before turning to Hardcase.

“Hardcase, I know you have some kind of explosives on you.” He stated as if fact.

“Enough to make an entrance, definitely.” Hardcase affirmed, slipping the backpack off his back.

“Ok, you and whoever is with you back away from this wall and take cover.” Echo called as Fives, Rex, and Hardcase set the bombs. Cody took scans to determine the craft’s stability, while Kix stood by with Medical supplies at the ready.

“Ok, miss, are you ready?” Rex called through the wall.

“Just blow this popsicle stand!” Another voice screamed with a hint of mischief, Hardcase chuckled. Fives glanced to him.

“Remind you of anyone?” The arc trooper laughed as all the soldiers took cover.

“Ok, girls, take cover.” Rex called one last time before vaulting over the crates they were using as cover.

“On my mark.” Cody called. “One, Two, NOW.”

With that, Hardcase showed no resignation to blow the door like a can opener. Smoke poured out of the newly revealed room. A few moments later three figures stumbled out. One was helping the second walk, with the second one’s arm arm over the first’s neck, while the first supported the second with an arm around the waist- half dragging her to safety. The other used her arms to try to clear out the smoke.

“That was awesome!” One of them cheered. Once again all the troopers glanced to Hardcase, “Couldn’t have done it better myself!”

“Hush.” Said another, the one supporting the third, “Thank you very much.”

Once the smoke cleared, they could finally take in their survivors appearance and were shocked to find they shared a resemblance with the clones themselves.

The first one looked to be the one in charge. Dressed in light armor assembled over a blue tunic and black sturdy pants with quite a few pockets, the pants were tucked into a pair of combat boots. Two dual pistols, much like Rex’s, were holstered in shoulder holsters. Rex couldn’t tell if her hair was naturally that gold color or if was dyed- or maybe it was the just the light. Her skin tone was close to that of the clones and she had one hazel eye like him. Her other eye was a crystalline blue.

The second girl was slumped against the blonde. She also shared the same skin tone, and also shared the black hair. Her eyes were closed, but she was clearly a medic. No armor, but a medic symbol patch sewn to the shoulder of her tan blouse. The blouse was under a vest and tucked into army green pants which led to brown sturdy boots. When her head lolled to the side, it was noticed the part of her hair was shaved with a pattern that could’t be made out for all the smoke and ash.

The third, looked eerily like the clones: same golden skin, hazel eyes, black hair was pulled back into a high pony-tail. She was wearing a tank top, cargo pants, and boots. The tank top did nothing to hide tattoos snaking around her arms that unnervingly resembled Hardcase’s.

The blonde one spoke up, “Thank you, we would’ve been dead without you. I’m Alinova (A/N: pronounced alley-uh-nova). Pyro here is Zara.”

The newly dubbed ‘Zara’ gave a bright smile and little wave, before Alinova resumed, “And our medic here, is Jessie, we call her Jess.”

“Well, it’s a pleasure ma’am.” Rex replied warily as Alinova stuck her hand out to shake. When the long sleeve of her shirt tugged up, Rex caught sight of a jaig eye tattoo on her wrist. This only troubled him more, nevertheless, he still took the offered hand. “We have a medic who can treat your friend.”

“Thank the Force.” She breathed, letting Kix slowly ease her friend to the floor. While Kix did his thing, the two other girls conversed with Rex and Cody.

“We still have two other crew members. We can’t leave until we find them or they’re proved dead. We understand if you can’t help with that, but”

“No man left behind.” All four people chorused.

“We’ll stay with you until the end.” Rex promised, and felt very proud when the blonde offered his a relieved smile.

“Thank you.”

Meanwhile, with Kix, he checked the girl for any sign of further injury. Trying to ignore the since of familiarity and worry. He checked for concussion and was relieved to not find one. The he set to work wiping the soot off her face. Then he could tell the pattern inscribed into the shaved part of her head was identical to his. He gasped.

“Kix, what is it?” Fives asked, getting up from where he was.

“Look where her hair is shaved. Look familiar?” Kix asked, glancing up at the arc-trooper and then to Echo who had joined.

“Yeah, it looks exactly like yours... odd.” Echo concluded. Kix thought for a second.

“Ok, this is impossible but it’ll put me at ease.” He murmured to himself before pricking the unconscious girl’s finger. Apparently the sharp momentary pain was enough to jolt her awake. Luckily, Kix was able to smear some blood on the medical holo-scanner before returning his attention to his patient.

“Who the hell are you? Where the hell are my friends? More importantly, why the hell did you stab my finger?!” She shrieked, bringing the other two girls’ attention. Both rushed to their friend.

“Jess, it’s ok. These men saved us!” Alinova soothed, urging her to sit back down.

“Men, take off your helmets, to put the lady at ease.” Cody ordered. One by one, the clones shed their helmet to offer the women their eyes. Then four things happened at once.

“Shit.” Alinova deadpanned, looking at Rex.

“Rad.” Zara cheered to Hardcase.

“Kriff.” Jessie whispered looking at Kix’s haircut.

“DNA analysis complete. DNA half clone - half Nabooian.”

“Surprise, Buir*.” Alinova concluded, meeting Rex’s eyes.

After a few hours, the jedi commed to tell them that they left a few troopers outside the craft, but the rest of the company headed back to main camp, Cody decided it was best to leave with them. Shortly after, the other two showed up, sharing heavy resemblance with Zara. The one with the 5555 tattoo on her wrist was obviously Fives’. While the girl with a hand print on the breast plate of her armor definitely was Echo’s.

“Leena.” the one who claimed to be Fives’ daughter offered, awkwardly smiling to her father.

“Saryn.” Echo’s apparent child revealed. Both arc troopers’ children, were dressed similar to Alinova.

Leena had chest armor and forearm armor painted black on top of a light grey linen shirt, tucked into high waisted black tight pants finished with a pair of grey boots. Over her pants was something strikingly similar to Fives’ kama.

Saryn was almost identical in garb, but with a white linen shirt and classic white armor over navy blue tight pants tucked white boots. Finished with the shin guards of what might have been clone armors trimmed to fit her.

With all five of them there, Alinova- who was apparently the oldest and in charge- deemed it time to tell them how they ended up there.

“So, whether you believe me or not, as weird as it may sound, We’re y’all’s daughters from the future. I can’t tell you too much, but when we’re from, the war is over, but another has started- nothing like this one. No militaries besides the empire. Anyway, we were doing our part- fighting for what we believe in, something you’ll eventually teach us before we come here again-. So we were snooping around an abandoned separatist tech lab, when the Empire rolled up and thing went south. Long story short, they figured out how to use some tech, blasted the riff out of our ship, and apparently: sent us back in time.” She concluded, “Take from that what you will.”

All the while, the clone eventual-fathers nodded watching their respective daughters. Echo cleared his throat, “So what exactly do you all do in your.. ‘part’ as you call it.”

Saryn answered first, “Special Tasks force- Agent 401.”

Echo smiled proudly before Leena added, “Me and Saryn are a team, I’m Special Tasks force- Agent 402. We just usually tag along with Nova.”

“Don’t call me that.” Alinova chirped, throwing an authoritative glare Leena’s way, but Leena was smiling at Fives to much to notice, “I was promoted to commander and chief strategizer of our division before this.”

She said it nonchalantly, but she still glanced to Rex and beamed at the prideful stare she received. Zara stepped forward, “I’m their engineer and pyro-technician. I fix things and blow them up.”

“Hardcase, she’s your carbon copy!” Fives clapped Hardcase on the back. Zara blushed.

“Well, he did teach me everything I know.” She admitted, soaking up the attention Hardcase gave her. She knew she wasn’t allowed to tell him that she hadn’t seen him since she was seven, and that was when her lessons had stopped.

“And I’m the one who busts my ass to keep them alive.” Jessie concluded. “The medic.”

Kix looked to be bursting at the seams with pride.

Not a week later, the rest of the girls team got the portal back open. So reluctantly, the troopers let their daughters go to fight in a war they didn’t know anything about. All they knew was that they couldn’t wait to say hello again when they were born.

And fin.

Sorry this was so long and in no way a reader insert. This is like a mini story! Also (whispers) feel free to draw my new little OCs i created just for this little story. They will probably never see the light of day again.

Requested by anon like two months ago.

Up next: Fives, Echo, Wolffe, Rex, and Kix with reader who had to fake death for undercover mission. Clones don’t know it was fake and they hadn’t confessed their feelings.

#captain rex #clone trooper kix #arc trooper fives #arc trooper echo #clone trooper hardcase #kix #rex #fives #echo #hardcase

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throwingideasatthewall · 4 years ago

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Clone Wars The Deserter

(Season 2 Episode 10)

Inter Sting-

Ha Ha-

No-

The Quote;

It is the quest for honor that makes one honorable

-No

-It’s

-you can dedicate yourself to a purpose

- but you have to do it well

-accountably

- For it to mean anything

“Quest”

Wanting

for

Account- able

Means

Nothing-

With-out

Action

Any-way

Oh, We’re abandoning the grievous arc?

Aw.

What.

Oh.

Jedi Council-

One idiot

Who let him board

And tried to take him on his own

In the outer Rim. .

Natural selection’s a bitch (Don’t eugenics)

Any.way A Trap

Of like a few guys

And Anakin just sitting around until he got shocked to almost death. .

“Fierce confrontation,”

Obi-Wan got his ass beat - unconditionally- - That person - Did some thing. - - -

Then they had to re treat

. .

Saluka Mi

‘Yes general Kenobi is doing some very serious thinking . . .

Clone troopers -

Yeah- again why is Rex getting dragged along?

Des-per -ate Target

Desperate?

He seemed fine?

And Obi-Wan got his ass kicked last episode

[Who’s trapped in a room with who?]

It’s not General Kenobi.. ..

Whelp-

Okay-

W-help- -

Okay, Right-

Planet-

Well there are plenty of resources around you-

Before they find us

Obi-Wan will insist I play a game of tag with him-

He- always runs- - Also, nice cloak?

It suits him..

Very noble..

Kenobi

Again that could be literally anyone..

Also time to hijack a ship - What is that �� not the plot we’re going with? - We

Need To

Hurry

“Escape pod,”

It’s-

A planet-?

There are no escape pods. [Besides the ones you arrived in-]. ]

Or just hijack one of their ships,

Tran-s- ports-

Wreckage-

Again-

Why is Rex-

Plot Im Por-t anc e-

Nice Sight-

Contact the Fleet

Good plan

Comms broke?

“Transmitter is destroyed..”

Fair...

Well time to find parts and make a new one. .

Escape Pod- Make it there. . .

Good plan

(Also, He looks like a vampire)

Just say’in

Find Trans- Por- Tat- Ion-

Fair - Okay,

Hot Things

Very well rounded environ- ment-

Cute

Less So

[And an adequate metaphor for the war coming home..] .

Right.

Int -imidating - Okay- Neat-

Okay,

That’s a Thing

(Or A Giant Skate Board Ramp:)

That’s Some-thing

Or- bit

Any-

Grievous

[A giant skateboard ramp but no]

Ship...

What?

...

Okay!

Er-

Power Low-

Well they haven’t re- charged since last morning,

Dude-

“Can’t go On,”

That one droid that just had to be more dramatic than everyone else

Good for Him,

Re-charged

Well you clearly aren’t solar powered and there’s no port to do that.

Again?

De-pleted

Dude he’s using that to carry your equipment,

Close Down for A Few Mom -ents

Dude

[yeah the way he put it was kind of as- inine; “You,” Instead Of A Logi cal- We only have ____hours of energy sir

But he must be doing pretty badly too,

Having some sentience, Bi- ologi cal -Com Pon- Ents-, And Robotic-

Also, so it’s a sleep cycle,

Neat, (Did not know that about the droid’s recharging process,”)

We saw the guards charge electrically. .

No-

Does that- just magically charge them?

Is it an emergency back up at a light saber?

(Because if so that’s kind of cool.”

No-

Thought-

- Pod-

Aight

“Yikes,”

Dooku’s going To Be Pissed.

Okay...

Right..

Team- Work... - ...

Okay...

A’ight

Aight.

Aight

And.. .

A’ight-

“Rex,”

“Contact Us,”. -

“En Gage,”

Dude- they’re supposed to engage a robot with several flame swords?

Have you seen - how useless their blasters are-

(Yoda at least said it don’t shoot at the obvious Jedi/ Sith- Force User-

Aigh- t

Surprisingly calm ... And.. Obedient?

Whelp-

“Rex is a smart man,”

Have we seen anything to indicate that?

Creative, destructive, impulsive, asinine

Explosive

All things that describe Rex

Wouldn’t exactly go with “smart,” . Does he just become a different person with Kenobi?

Also is that the only format they have for complementing people, ____, Is A Smart (adj ective) Man,?”

Used the same for Cody.

His Feet . . .

Now it’s a com- pliment- - (We’ve also seen nothing in this episode to indicate or provoke That Arc.. .)

(Like he just follow- ed orders?)

Not a wrong time for compliments (Al-most)

Just Weird.

There They Go

Voom

Gull- Ible?

Gone

Off

“ “

Ri-

Ok-ay

Here’s One - Un- conscious- - A-ight

I-n- spect

Aight-

O-k

R-i g-ht

Voom, r

Nice land-scape- R-ight-

Okay- -

Whelp, Feck!

Aight Crud-

-shot.

Whelp-

You- heard a gun shot and didn’t get down?

Whelp-

Ouch-

Tumble and Roll! (Tuck and roll!)

Shit

Protect The Cap-tain

Anakin’s captain (Like seriously who is Obi-Wan‘s captain? Cody is his commander?

What is the order here?)

Good for Him?

Shit

Comm an do- Droids-

Get Shit, Jobs -

Behind everyone else?

Hey shouldn’t someone be Comming in? —

Shit- Whelp - Got Him- - Co- mm- an- do

Droids-

Oh, yeah this unit does have a pen-chant against those guys

I guess Rex

(The droids finally did him in..). R.I.P. Heavy.

Whelp, No facial damage that we can see-

Might have a con -cussion-

Wait...

How does he have a hole in his suit?

Dude clearly aimed for the head..

Hold up...

Re-wind...

Oh no, it did somehow get him in the chest.

How?

Did that...

Any Way-

[Plot convenient bullets aside]

Shit..

That’s Not.. Good..

“Jesse,” Name (s)-

Aight, Whelp-

Could’ve used some tanks,

Whelp

Nice sunset though,

Hopefully not on Rex’s life, Though-

Ai-ght Tech, Have,

Righ. t-

Okay-

Guidance System-

The guard... has an odd haircut

Doesn’t look very military...

Unless we’re counting that one dude On the Centurion Guard, who ended up being a villain?

That looks like a normal haircut.. . .

Me-mory Logs-

Emerg-ency sen-sors

Escape pod

Mid air collision-

- A- Ight-

O- kay-

How-

“With What?”

Wait is there another plot line that I’m unaware of

...

Okay.

What?

Crash -ed?

Ironically, Cody’s being more inventive than ,Rex?

And Rex spent the time taking orders?

[Wtf Is this characterization,” ]

aight

I can put us within . .

Two or three clicks

Good.. ..

Alert the men

He said to the random the blonde guy-

Wait is that his captain?

That would make sense

[but eugenic]

,Okay,

Name,

Wait they have a medic? Or...

Armor...

Fair

Okay...

[Odd sound effect there]

Fair

Pick-

Hey, is no one going to call for help?

Like you were told to Com in?

[I know this isn’t as important as General grievous but I think it counts,]

You know the lead possibly dying,

Could get a medic some possible back up

Not to mention those droid had to come from somewhere.

“Cover,”

Oh it’s the animals’ making it

That make sense.

Wait a minute.

Do-mesticated

Or herbivores and friendly but we’ll go with this logic

(It also makes sense for Obi-Wan’s unit to jump this high for a conclusion, it’s in his char -acter

And see-

Oof

Sir,

Literally everyone is more inventive than Rex in this episode

[I think someone-

And I mean it’s pos-sible

Mixed up the chara cterization..

This is supposed to be the rule and order unit correct?

Farmer

[so we’re going to bug that fucker]

Like seriously, the leaps in logic here are astronomical?

Do you see rows of domesticated crop?

Do you see any sign of human co- habitation?

Where - is this coming from?

Really is Obi-wan’s unit]

Any way.. .

Let’s find his homestead

Not even “let’s see ‘if we can borrow some supplies’ “ Let’s feck up this guy’s house

Damn

Storm-

Trooper Don’t Fuck Ar -ound-

Aight-

How- Okay- Practic al

-what are -

Out Cold

Oh now there’s things. .

Would’ve been nice to see that.

. .

Whelp. .

Heck-

You Have-

A shotgun

You should run-

S’up

Okay

Pretty Di- rect-

Move Along-

Old clone man-

Easy-

Yeah they have blasters.

Still

She said you weren’t wanted..

Take off a helmet doesn’t change that

Move along

[Also yeah friends that come with several armed shotguns, a possible army following them, unwanted and uninvited

*Friend Ship

Bu- llets-

Don’t be friendly

Say the pitch

“Get out of your hair real quick,”

Yes, no, leave,

State Bus- I- ness-

Ain’t falling for any of your “friendly.” bullshit,

Captain

Doctor

We have a medic-

Good-

How?

Over night-

Dude that is a big fucking risk you’re asking her to take

[Narc Log]

Like you guys are open shots,

That dude can’t protect them selves

And, they clearly don’t want to be accountable

(Out here)

As the world burns...

I’m sorry Sir But the signs are pretty clear.

Mommy

Oh god,

She’s a Generation breaker, too?

Directly?

Whelp...

Also not how kids act..

They don’t have initiative ...

Can’t have emotion...

Hm,

Be-nches

Good-

Fine, Thanks,

Enab ling war,

What ever

Aight

Future healing tech,.

What,

What Happ- en -ed?

Seriously, shouldn’t be Shouldn’t there be someone on guard?

Left-

Seriously, is there armor out of plastic?

Like, how?

How?

Arm-

Shit-

Seriously,

do the other guys have to be here they’re kinda making it un- comfortable.

Nerve Damage-

Oh, yeah just left the whole

person up to examine an arm.

Under- Stood -

Who said that?

On with it-

How-

The bullet went through his chest -

We see a wound, On his lower back?

That’s not bruising from the fall?

A rock wouldn’t create that kind of Mark.

No Con- dition

-Heal

Time

Ok- ay-

Well, call up, Obi-Wan,

Get Rex to the medical ship that they keep talking about...

We’re Get -ting Un der- Way Kix

Damn It Self De- Str Uct Ive - Ba stard - If buddy wants to throw them -self over the cliff there’s nothing anyone - can do about it

(Except- Hope-)

...

That’s An Order

Wonder What- Kinda Order - Team Medic “Don’t”. “I can’t bring you back on that much death,”

Then again most civilizations would not be found it on a precipice

So How..

“ I am outrank everyone,”

Medic, pulling a fucking rank.

And he actually can do that

Considering dude he decided to fuck around and find out with Mother Life Dude is technically a kin To immediate accountability at any point

T-ypically to the medic who treated him-

So, Yeah, He can totally do that,

Okay,

Damn, It,

Also look at these idiots standing around

0 notes

apsbicepstraining · 7 years ago

Text

Why we fell for clean eating

The long read: The oh-so-Instagrammable meat progress has been exhaustively discredited but it establishes no signeds of “re going away”. The real question is why we were so desperate to believe it

In the springtime of 2014, Jordan Younger “ve noticed that” her mane was falling out in clumps. Not cool was her action. At the time, Younger, 23, believed herself to be feeing the healthiest of every possible nutritions. She was a gluten-free, sugar-free, oil-free, grain-free, legume-free, plant-based raw vegan. As The Blonde Vegan, Younger was a wellness blogger in New York City, one of thousands on Instagram( where “shes had” 70,000 adherents) rallying under the hashtag #eatclean. Although she had no qualifications as a nutritionist, Younger had exchanged more than 40,000 two copies of her own $25, five-day purify programme a formula for the purposes of an all-raw, plant-based diet majoring on green juice.

But the clean diet that Younger was selling as the street to health was reaching its developer sick. Far from being super-healthy, she used suffering from a serious anorexia nervosa: orthorexia, an infatuation with downing exclusively meat the hell is pure and perfect. Youngers raw vegan food had caused her ages to stop and granted her scalp an orange touch from all the sugared potato and carrots she exhausted( the only carbohydrates she let herself ). Eventually, she endeavoured psychological promotion, and began to slowly expand the range of foods she would allow herself to devour, beginning with the fish. She recognised that the problem was not her veganism, per se, but the particularly rigid and restrictive diet government she had imposed on herself.

As Younger gradually recovered from her anorexia nervosa, she faced a new dilemma. What would parties ponder, she agonised, if they knew the Blonde Vegan was devouring fish? She levelled with her partisans in a blogpost entitled Why Im Transitioning Away from Veganism. Within hours of announcing her brand-new diet, Younger was receiving irate meanings from vegans requiring fund back from the purge programmes and T-shirts they had bought from her place( peculiarity slogans such as OH KALE YES ).

She lost partisans by the thousands and receives an daily raft of furious letters, including death threats. Some responded to her confession that she was suffering from an anorexia nervosa by alleging her of has become a fatty slouse of lard who didnt have the discipline is really clean.

For as long as beings have snacked meat, “theres been” diets and quack medications. But previously, these existed, like plot beliefs, on the fringes of nutrient culture. Clean eating was different, because it established itself as a challenge to mainstream ways of eating, and its wild notoriety during the past five years old has enabled it to move far beyond the fringes. Powered by social media, it has been more absolutist in its claims and most popular in its reaching than any previous institution of modern nutrition advice.

At its simplest, clean ingesting is about ingesting nothing but whole or unprocessed foods( what has been made by these profoundly equivocal expressions ). Some versions of clean feeing have been vegan, while others accept various meats( preferably wild) and something mysteriously announced bone broth( broth, to you and me ). At first, clean eating resounded modest and even homespun: rather than counting calories, you are able to dine as many nutritious home-cooked essences as possible.

But it quickly became clear that clean feeing was more than a nutrition; it was a notion system, which propagated the idea that the space most people devour was not just fattening, but impure. Seemingly out of nowhere, a whole cosmo of coconut oil, dubious hopes and spiralised courgettes has developed. Back in the distant mists of 2009, James Duigan, owner of The Bodyism gym in London and sometime personal manager to the modeling Elle MacPherson, publicized his first Clean and Lean book. As an early adopter of #eatclean, Duigan notes that he battled with his publisher to include ingredients like kale and quinoa, because no one had ever heard of them. Now quinoa is in every supermarket and kale has become as ordinary as loot. I long for the working day when clean eating meant not getting too much down your front, the novelist Susie Boyt joked recently.

Jordan Younger, AKA The Balanced Blonde, formerly The Blonde Vegan. Image: Whitford/ BFA/ Rex/ Shutterstock

Almost as soon as it became ubiquitous, clean eating activated a backlash. By 2015, Nigella Lawson was speaking for many when she expressed resentment at clean dining as a judgmental flesh of body fascism. Food is not dirty, Lawson wrote. Clean eating has been attacked by commentators such as the baker and cookbook generator Ruby Tandoh( who wrote a much-shared article on the subject in Vice magazine in May 2016) for being an incitement to eating disorders.

Others have pointed out that, as a procedure of healthy eating, its founded on bad discipline. In June, the American Heart Association suggested that the coconut petroleum beloved as a cure-all by clean eaters actually had no known offsetting favourable consequences, and that exhausting it is unable to result in higher LDL cholesterol. A few a few weeks later, Anthony Warner a nutrient consultant with a background in science who blogs as The Angry Chef produced a book-length assault on the science of clean eating, calling it a world-wide of quinoa container and nutribollocks fuelled by the modern intelligence age.

When Dr Giles Yeo, a geneticist at the University of Cambridge, presented an episode of the BBCs Horizon this year that has reviewed and considered the technical prove for different academies of clean eating, he found everything from innocuous recipes to serious malpractice.

He reported on the alkaline nutrition of Dr Robert O Young, who peddled the idea that canker was a result of feeing acidic meat. After being diagnosed with terminal cancer in her 20 s, Naima Houder-Mohammed, an officer in the British military, paid Young more than $77,000 for medicine( including dinners of avocado, which Young announces Gods butter) at his pH miracle ranch in the US in 2012. She died afterward that year. Separately, Young was incarcerated in June this year after being imprisoned of charges including practising medicine without a licence. While he may represent an extreme case, it is clear that many wellness gurus, as Yeos programme concluded, tell a troubling narrative founded on falsehoods.

As the negative press for clean gobbling has intensified over the past year, many of the early goddesses of #eatclean has endeavoured to rebrand saying they no longer use the word clean to describe the recipes that have sold them billions of works. Ella Mills AKA Deliciously Ella, the meat novelist and entrepreneur whose coconut-and-oat force projectiles sell for 1.79 apiece in British supermarkets said on Yeos Horizon curriculum that she felt that the word clean as applied to eating originally necessitated nothing but natural, real, unprocessed food. Now, it makes diet, it intends cult, she complained.

But however often principles of clean eating has been logically refuted and publicly abused, the thing itself depicts few signals of dying. Step into the cookbook section of any book browse and you will see how many recipe novelists continue to promise us inner purity and outer elegance. Even if “youve never” deliberately tried to eat clean, its impossible to avoid the trend altogether, because it changed the nutrients available to all of us, and the acces they are spoken of.

Avocados now outsell oranges in the UK. Susi Richards, heads of state of concoction increase at Sainsburys supermarkets, told me earlier this year that she had been taken aback by the pace at which demand for commodities fitting with the clean eating lifestyle have grown in the UK. Families who would once have snacked potato waffles are now experimenting with lower carb butternut squaffles( slicings of butternut squash slashed to resemble a waffle ). Nutribullets a brand of compact blenders designed for making supposedly radiance-bestowing juices and smoothies are now mentioned in some curves as casually as wooden spoons.

Why has clean gobbling demonstrated so difficult to kill off? Hadley Freeman, in the present working paper, marked clean eating as part of a post-truth culture, whose adherents are impervious, or even hostile, to realities and experts. But to understand how clean gobbling took hold with such perseverance, its necessary first to believe just what a terrifying happen nutrient has become for millions of people in the contemporary world. The interesting question is not whether clean snacking is nonsense, but why so many intelligent people decided to thrown their sect in it.

We are not the only generation to have looked in disgust at an unhealthy food milieu and wished that we could supplant it with nutrients “thats been” perfectly safe to snack. In the 1850 s, a British chemist called Arthur Hill Hassall became remain convinced that the whole food supply of London was riddled with poisons and fakery. Whats more, he was right. Hassall had done a series of investigations for the medical gazette the Lancet, and found that much of what was for sale as food and suck was not what it seemed: coffee made from burnt sugar and chicory; pickles dyed light-green with poison copper colourings.

Years of exposing the poison hypocrisies all around him seems to have driven Hassall to a territory of paranoia. He started to see poison everywhere, and has been determined that the answer was to create a list of entirely uncontaminated food products. In 1881, he set up his own house, The Pure Food Company, which would only use ingredients of unimpeachable character. Hassall took water that was softened and refined and compounded it with the most significant Smithfield beef to obligate the purest beef jelly and disgusting-sounding fibrinous meat lozenges the force balls of Victorian England. The Pure Food Company of 1881 dins just like a hundred wellness meat businesses today except for the fact that it collapsed within a year due to lack of sales.

We are once again living in an environment where everyday food, which should be something dependable and sustaining, has come to feel noxious. Unlike the Victorian, we do not fear that our coffee is phony so much as that our entire motif of gobbling may be bad for us, in ways that we cant fully distinguish. One of the things that becomes the new wave of wellness cookbooks so plea is that they assure the reader that they furnish a new space of gobbling that comes without any anxiety or guilt.

The founding principle of these modern wellness regimes is that our present direction of gobbling is slowly poisoning us. Much of the meat on offer to us today is nutritionally substandard, write the Hemsley sisters, best-selling champions of nutrient-dense nutrient. Its hard to disagree with the proposition that modern foods are generally substandard, even if you dont share the Hemsleys solution of proceeding grain-free. All of these foods have a grains of fact that is spun out into some big imagination, Giles Yeo says hence their gigantic appeal.

Melissa and Jasmine Hemsley. Photograph: Nick Hopper

Clean eating whether it is called that or not is perhaps best seen as a dysfunctional have responded to a still more dysfunctional food supply: a dream of integrity in a noxious nature. To walk into a modern western supermarket is to be assailed by aisle upon alley of salty, oily snacks and sugary cereals, of food that has been neither attested nor fermented, of cheap, sweetened potions and meat from swine kept in inhumane conditions.

In the postwar decades, most countries in the world underwent what the prof of nutrition Barry Popkin calls a nutrition transition to a westernised diet high-pitched in sugar, meat, fat, salt, refined oils and ultra-processed brews, and low-grade in veggies. Affluence and multi-national meat companies superseded the emptines of earlier generations with an unwholesome dinner of sweet boozings and convenience food that educate us from a young age to pray more of the same. Wherever this pattern of gobbling wandered, it brought with it dramatic rises in ill health, from allergies to cancer.

In prosperous countries, large numbers of people whether they wanted to lose weight or not grew understandably scared of the modern food supply and what it was doing to our torsoes: character 2 diabetes, obesity and cardiovascular disease , not to mention a multitude of other disorders that are influenced by diet, straying from Alzheimers to gout. When mainstream diets start to sicken parties, it is unsurprising that many of us should seek other ways and means of snacking to keep ourselves safe from impairment. Our collective feeling around diet was exacerbated by a general impression that mainstream scientific advice on food overstated by newspaper headlines had not been able be trusted. First these so-called experts tell us to avoid fat, then carbohydrate, and all the while beings get less and less health. What the fuck is these experts say next, and why should we believe them?

Into this atmosphere of nervousnes and disarray stepped a series of gurus offering meanings of superb simplicity and reassurance: dine this direction and I will clear you fresh and healthy again. It are difficult to pinpoint the exact minute when clean eating started, because it is not so much as a single nutrition as a portmanteau term that has acquired projects from innumerable pre-existing diets: a bit of Paleo here, some Atkins there, with a few remnants of 1960 s macrobiotics thrown in for good measure.

But some time in the early 2000 s, two distinct but interrelated versions of clean eating grew popular in the US one based on the sect of real meat, and the other on the relevant recommendations of detox. Formerly the concept of cleanliness had entered the realm of eating, it was only a matter of time before the basic mind spread contagiously across Instagram, where love of #eatclean could share their artfully photographed light-green juices and rainbow salad bowls.

The first and more moderate form of clean food beginning in 2007, when Tosca Reno, a Canadian fitness framework, publicized a work called The Eat-Clean Diet. In it, Reno described how she lost 34 kg( 75 lb) and altered her health by scaping all over-refined and processed foods, particularly lily-white flour and sugar. A usual Reno eat-clean meal might be stir-fried chicken and veggies over brown rice; or almond-date biscotti with a cup of tea. In many methods The Eat-Clean Diet was like any number of diet journals that had come before, advising abundance of veggies and modestly sectioned, home-cooked meals. The difference, which Anthony Warner calls a piece of genius on Renos part, was that she presented it, above all, as a holistic way of living.

Meanwhile, two seconds form of clean eating was spearheaded by a former cardiologist from Uruguay called Alejandro Junger, the author of Clean: The Revolutionary Program to Restore the Bodys Natural Ability to Mend Itself, which was published in 2009 after Jungers clean detox organization had been praised by Gwyneth Paltrow on her Goop website. Jungers organisation was far more stringent than Renos, involving, for a few weeks, a revolutionary riddance diet based on liquid banquets and a total exclusion of caffeine, booze, dairy and eggs, sugar, all vegetables in the nightshade house( tomatoes, aubergines and so on ), ruby-red meat( which, according to Junger, forms an acidic inner medium ), among other foods. During this phase, Junger admonished a largely liquid food either composed of home-made juices and soups, or of his own special powdered shakes. After the detox interval, Junger advised very cautiously reintroducing poisonous initiations such as wheat( a classic initiation of allergic replies) and dairy( an acid-forming food ).

Photograph: Alexandra Iakovleva/ Getty

To read Jungers book is to feel that everything edible in our world is potentially toxic. Yet, as with Arthur Hassall, many of Jungers fears may be justified. Junger writes as a doctor with first-hand knowledge of diet-related epidemics of cancer, congestive heart failure, diabetes and autoimmune disease. The journal is full-of-the-moon of action considers of individuals who follow Jungers detox and rise lighter, leaner and happier. Who is the candidate for using this programme? Junger asks, replying: Everyone who lives a modern life, fees a modern food and occupies the modern world.

To my amaze, I encountered myself compelled by the messianic feeling of Jungers Clean though not quite forced enough to pay $475 for his 21 -day programme( which, in any event, doesnt ship outside of North America ), or to give up my daily breakfast of inflammatory coffee, gut-irritating sourdough toast and acid-forming butter, on which I feel astonishingly well. When I told Giles Yeo how seductive I experienced Jungers terms, almost despite myself, he said: This is their magic! They are all charismatic human being. I do reckon the clean-eating gurus believe in it themselves. They drink the Koolaid.

Over the past 50 years, mainstream healthcare in the west has been inexplicably blind to the role that diet plays in preventing and alleviating ill health. When it started, #eatclean spoke to growing numbers of people who felt that their existing road of eating was causing them difficulties, from weight gain to headaches to stress, and that conventional medication had not been able improve. In the is a lack of nutrition lead from physicians, it was a natural pace for individuals to start experimenting with cutting out this food or that.

From 2009 to 2014, the number of Americans who actively evaded gluten, despite not suffered by coeliac malady, more than tripled. It too became fashionable to booze a whole pantheon of non-dairy milks, ranging from oat milk to almond milk. I have lactose-intolerant and vegan friends who say that #eatclean has represented it far easier for them to buy ingredients that they once had to go to specialist health-food stores to find. What isnt so easy now is to find reliable information on special foods in the high seas of half-truths and bunkum.

Someone who mentioned how quickly and radically #eatclean changed the market for health-food works is Anne Dolamore, a publisher at the independent meat publishers Grub Street, are stationed in London. Dolamore has been publishing health-related nutrient books since 1995, a meter when free-from cooking was a minuscule subculture. In the days before Google, Dolamore who has long was held that nutrient is medicine felt that volumes on special foods by columnists with proper credentials could dish a useful intent. In 1995, Grub Street wrote The Everyday Diabetic Cookbook, which has since exchanged over 100,000 imitations in the UK. Other successful books followed, including The Everyday Wheat-Free and Gluten-Free Cookbook by Michelle Berriedale-Johnson, published in 1998.

In 2012, the market for wellness cookbooks in the UK suddenly changed, starting with the astound success of Honestly Healthy by Natasha Corrett and Vicki Edgson, which sold around 80,000 imitates. Louise Haines, a publisher at 4th Estate, recalls that the previous large-hearted trend in British food publishing had been roasting, but the baking boom succumbed overnight, virtually, and a number of sugar-free notebooks came through.

At Grub Street, Anne Dolamore watched aghast as bestselling cookbooks piled up from a never-ending stream of blonde, willowy sovereignties, many of whom seemed to be designing nutritions based on little but their own limited know-how. If Junger and Reno laid the groundwork for chew clean to become a vast worldwide trend, it was social media and the internet that did the rest. Almost all of the authors of the British clean gobbling bestsellers started off as bloggers or Instagrammers, many of them beautiful women in their early 20 s who were genuinely convinced that the nutritions they had developed had antidote them of various types of chronic ailments.

Keep your chia seed smoothies off my Instagram feed

Every wellness guru worth her Himalayan pink salt has a floor of how changing what you eat can change their own lives. Food has the power to see or divulge you, wrote Amelia Freer in her 2014 bestseller Eat. Nourish. Glow.( which has sold more than 200,000 facsimiles ). Freer was guiding a busy life as a personal assistant to the Sovereign of Wales when she realised that her paunch looked and appeared as if it had a football in it from too many snatched dinners of cheese on toast or factory-made food. By giving up treated and convenience food( margarine, yuck !) along with gluten and carbohydrate, Freer claimed to have found the secrets to searching younger and find healthier.

Perhaps the best-known diet-transformation legend of all is that of Ella Mills possessor of more than a million Instagram adherents. In 2011, Mills was diagnosed with postural tachycardia syndrome, a condition characterised by dizziness and extreme wearines. Mills embarked blogging about nutrient after discovering that her evidences radically improved when she swapped her sugar-laden food for plant-based, natural foods. Mills who used to be a model obligated following a free-from food seem not drab or robbed, but deeply aspirational. By the time her first notebook appeared in January 2015, her vast following on social media facilitated her to sell 32,000 mimics in the first week alone.

Amelia Freer. Image: S Meddle/ ITV/ Rex/ Shutterstock

There was something equivocal about the road these books were sold. What they were selling alleged to be an alternative to a sordidly commercial nutrient industry. If its got a barcode or a predict, dont buy it, wrote Freer. Yet clean eating is itself a wildly profitable commercial enterprise, promoted employing photogenic young bloggers on a multi-billion-dollar tech pulpit. Literary agent Zoe Ross tells me that around 2015 she began to notice that the market was rubbing Instagram for copycat plays specifically very pretty, very young girls pushing curated meat and lifestyle.

After years on the margins, health-based cooking was eventually going a mass gathering. In 2016, 18 out the 20 top dealers in Amazon UKs food and suck book category had a focus on healthy eating and dieting. The paradox, nonetheless, was that the kind of well-researched books Dolamore and others formerly written no longer tended to sell so well, because health publishing was now dominated by social media fames. Bookshops were heaving with so many of these clean volumes that even the authors themselves started to feel that there were too many of them. Alice Liveing, a 23 -year-old personal trainer who writes as Clean Eating Alice, debated in her 2016 work Eat Well Every Day that she was endorse what I feel is a much-needed breath of fresh air in what I think is an fantastically saturated market. To my untrained see, browsing through her journal, Alices fresh approaching to diet appeared very similar to innumerable others: time and almond intensity pellets, kale chippings, beetroot and feta burgers.

Then again, shouldnt we commit clean chewing due ascribe towards achieving the miracle of swerving beetroot and kale into objects of longing? Data from specialists Kantar Worldpanel show that UK sales of fresh beetroot have risen dramatically from 42.8 m in 2013 to 50.5 m in 2015. Some would “re saying that”, in highly-developed nations where most people devour shockingly poor nutritions, low-grade in light-greens and high in sugar, this new confederation of health and food has done a modicum of good. Giles Yeo who invested some time cooking a spicy sweet-potato bowl with Ella Mills for his BBC programme agrees that many of the clean eating recipes he tried are actually a deliciou and cool channel to cook veggies. But why, Yeo questions, do these authors not simply say I am producing a very good vegetarian cookbook and stop there, instead of realise larger assertions about the influence of vegetables to beautify or foreclose illnes? The poison arises from the fact because this is wrapping the whole concept up in pseudoscience, Yeo says. If you base something on falsehoods, it empowers people to take extreme actions, and this is where the damage begins.

You cant acquired a brand-new sect organisation with the words I am publicizing a very good vegetarian cookbook. For this, you need something stronger. You require the assurance of make-believe, mumbled sweetly. Grind this cauliflower into minuscule slice and you can make a special kind of no-carb rice! Avoid all sugar and your skin will shimmer! Among interesting thing, clean chewing shows how vulnerable and forgotten billions of us feel about diet that are actually represents how misplaced we feel about our own figures. We are so unmoored that the authorities concerned will gave our belief in any employer who promises us that we, more, can become pure and good.

I can pinpoint the exact time that my own experiences about clean ingesting changed from hesitancy to outright dislike. I was on stagecoach at the Cheltenham literary gala with dietician Renee McGregor( who works both with Olympic jocks and anorexia nervosa sufferers) when a army of around 300 clean-eating love started jeering and shouting at us. We were supposedly taking part in a clean-eating debate with nutritionist Madeleine Shaw, columnist of Get the Glow and Ready Steady Glow.

Before that week, I had never read any of Shaws work. As I flicked through Ready Steady Glow, I was somewhat endeared by the upbeat colour( stop expropriating yourself and start living) and shining photos of a beam Shaw. I often surprise myself by determining new things to spiralise she writes, acquainting a sweetened potato noodle salad. Cauliflower pizza, in her look, is quite simply: the best fabrication ever.

But underneath the brightness there were notes of restriction that I discovered both perturbing and confused. As ever, all my recipes are sugar-and-wheat free, Shaw announces, simply to present a recipe for gluten-free brownies that contains 200 g of coconut sugar, a essence that costs a lot more than your median grey granulated carbohydrate, but is metabolised by the body in the same direction. I was still more alarmed by gradation four in Shaws nine-point food philosophy, which says that all bread and pasta should be avoided: they find themselves tan nutrients, which are full of substances, preservatives and genetically manipulated wheat, and not whole foods. Shaws book makes no distinction between a loaf of, say, bleached shredded white-hot, and a homemade wholemeal sourdough.

When we satisfied on theatre in Cheltenham, I expected Shaw why she told parties to cut out all bread, and was startled when she disavowed she had said any such act( rye food was her favourite, she contributed ). McGregor expected Shaw what she signified when she wrote that people should try to eat only clean proteins; meat that was not deep-fried was her rather astounding reply. McGregors main concern about clean eating, she lent, was that as health professionals considering young people with eating disorders, she had watched first-hand how the rules and restrictions of clean eating often segued into incapacitating anorexia or orthorexia.

Madeleine Shaw promoting her notebook Get the Glow. Picture: Joe Pepler/ REX/ Shutterstock

But I simply attend the positive, said Shaw , now mopping away weepings. It was at this point that the gathering, who were already restless whenever McGregor or I addrest, descended into outright hostility, shouting and whoosh for us to get off stage. In a work store after the contest, as devotees came up to Shaw to thank her for committing them the light, I more burst into rips when person or persons jabbed her paws at me and said I should be ashamed, as an elderly women( I am 43 ), to have criticised a younger one. On Twitter that night, some Shaw devotees formed derogatory explains about how McGregor and I looked, under the hashtag #youarewhatyoueat. The ramification was that, if we were less photogenic than Shaw, we clearly had nothing of any appraise to say about nutrient( never mind the fact that McGregor has positions in biochemistry and nutrition ).

Thinking about the event on the qualify home, I realised that the crowd were angry with us not because they disagreed with the details( its pretty clear that you cant have sugar in sugar-free recipes ), but because they disliked the facts of the case “that weve” quarrelling at all. To insist on the facts of the case drawn us come across as cruelly negative. We had punctured the glad belief-bubble of glowiness that they had come to imbibe from Shaw. Its impressing that in many of the wellness cookbooks, mainstream scientific testify on diet is perceived as more or less irrelevant , not least because the gurus find the contentment of science as part of what prepared our foods so bad in the first place.

Amelia Freer, in Eat. Nourish. Glow, admits that we cant prove that dairy is the cause of ailments ranging from IBS to joint pain, but concluded that there surely worth cutting dairy out anyway, just as a precaution. In another context, Freer writes that Im told it takes 17 times for scientific knowledge to filter down to become general knowledge, while advising that gluten should be avoided. Once we register its national territory where all expert and expertise are automatically suspect, you can start to claim almost anything and numerous #eatclean dominions do.

That night in Cheltenham, I learnt that clean eating or whatever call it now goes under had elements of a post-truth sect. As with any faith, it could be something darknes and divisive if you got on the wrong side of it. After Giles Yeos BBC programme was aired, he told me he was startled to find himself subjected to unrelenting online trolling. They said I was funded by big pharma, and therefore obviously wouldnt ascertain the benefits of a health diet over remedy. These were outright lies.( Yeo is employed by the University of Cambridge, and funded by the Medical Research Council .)

Its increasingly clear that clean eating, for all its good aims, can cause real harm, both to fact and to human being. Over the past 18 months, McGregor says, every single patron with an anorexia nervosa who strolls into my clinic doorways is either following or wants to follow a clean behavior of eating.

In her brand-new volume, Orthorexia, McGregor observes that while anorexia nervosa long predate the #eatclean veer, meat rulers( such as dining no dairy or forestalling all cereals) readily become a guise for curtailing meat intake. Likewise, they are not even good principles, based as they are on unsubstantiated, unscientific affirms. Take almond milk, which is widely touted as a superior alternative to kine milk. McGregor visualizes it as little better than expensive ocean, containing precisely 0.1 g protein per 100 ml, compared with 3.2 g per 100 ml in kine milk. But she often ascertains it very difficult to convince her buyers that restricting themselves to these clean meat is in the long run worse for their own health than what she calls unchecked ingesting balanced and went dinners, but no anxiety about the curious ice cream or chocolate bar.

Clearly , not everyone who bought a clean-eating volume has developed an eating disorder. But a push whose premise is that normal meat is unhealthy has now obscured the liquids of healthy gobbling for everyone else, by planting the idea that a good food is one founded on absolutes.

The true-blue tribulation of clean chewing is not that it is entirely spurious. It is that it contains a seed of reality, as Giles Yeo employs it. When you strip down all the pseudo nonsense, they are absolutely right to say that we should feed more vegetables, less refined sugar and less flesh, Yeo said, sipping a black coffee in his office at the Institute of Metabolic Science in Cambridge, where he spends his daytimes researching the root causes obesity. Yeo agrees with the clean eaters that our environment of inexpensive, bountiful, sugary, fatty nutrient is a recipe for widespread obesity and ill health. The trouble is its nearly impossible to pick out the sensible flecks of clean eating and neglect the residual. #Eatclean drew health chewing seem like something expensive, exclusive and difficult to achieve, as Anthony Warner writes. Whether the term scavenge is expended or not, there is a new puritanism about nutrient that has taken root very widely.

A few weeks ago, I overheard a fit, middle-aged mortal at the gym lecturing a sidekick for not feeing a better food a conversation that would formerly ought to have unimaginable among beings. The first human was telling the second that the skinny burgers he opted were nothing but shitty mince and sell and arguing that he could get almost everything he needed from a food of vegetables, cooked with no petroleum. Fat is fatty, at the end of the day, he agreed, before bemoaning the imbeciles who tried to eat something wholesome like a salad, then ruined everything by including salt. If you have one bad diet period a week, you untie all your good work.

The real question is how to fight this kind of diet absolutism without bouncing back to a moronic celebration of the modern food milieu that is demonstrably obligating so many beings sick. In 2016, more than 600 children in the UK were get registered as living with form 2 diabetes; before 2002, there were no reported cases of children suffering from the condition, whose reasons are diet-related.

Our food system is in desperate the requirements of reconstruct. Theres a danger that, in the fight against the absurdity of clean eating, we end up looking like apologists for a commercial food supply that is failing in its basic undertaking of nourishing us. Former orthorexia sufferer Edward L Yuen has argued in his 2014 journal, Beating Orthorexia that the old advice of everything in moderation no longer works in a meat milieu where gobbling in the middle ground is likely to be leave you with chronic illness. When components are supersized and Snickers forbids are exchanged by the metre( something I insured in my local Tesco recently ), devouring ordinarily is not inevitably a balanced option. The answer isnt yet another perfect diet, but a shift in our feeling of what constitutes normal food.

Sales of courgettes in the UK flew 20% from 2014 to 2015, fuelled by the rise of the spiraliser. But overall consumption of veggies, both in the UK and worldwide, is still vanishingly tiny( with 74% of the adult UK population not coping to dine five a day ). That is much lower than it was in the 1950 s, when freshly cooked daily snacks were still something that most people took for granted.

Among the affluent categorizes who already devour a healthier-than-average food, the Instagram goddesses generated a new simulate of dietary perfection to aims to achieve. For the rest of specific populations, however, it plainly placed the ideal of healthy meat further and further out of reaching. Behind the glossy extends of the clean-eating books, there is a coarse model of financial exclusion that says that someone who cant afford wheatgrass or spirulina can never be truly well.

As the conversation I overheard in the gym exemplifies, this way of thinking is especially dangerous because it overshadows the letter that, in fact, small changes in diet can have a large beneficial affect. If you think you cant be healthy unless you feed nothing but veggies, you might miss the fact that( as a recent synopsi of the evidence by epidemiologists proved) there are substantial the potential benefits of growing your fruit-and-veg intake from zero parcels a date to simply two.

Among its many other offences, clean eating was a series of claims about food that were all or nothing which only serves to underline the facts of the case that most people, as usual, are protruded with nothing.

Main photograph: Alamy

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