#ironically Mara was like ''I choose to trust'' during this week's story

[crow-posting]

Wish-Dragon's Poison

"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."

This season has really been rough for my Young Wolf, RZ-3. For the past several seasons, he has felt used, manipulated, and isolated, with very few people thanking him or taking him seriously (after all, he's "only" nine years old). He watched Rasputin die, then Amanda; he failed to support Rohan; he was forced to rely on people he didn't like and even then he couldn't protect everyone like he was "supposed" to. Despite numerous victories and the newfound power of Strand, he has been privately unraveling both mentally and emotionally. And this season, it came to a head.

Riven found out that RZ-3 is the last self-aware, self-learning AI in the Sol system, just as she was the "last" Ahamkara. (AI like Failsafe don't count bc they're closer to dumb AI than fully sentient programs). Riven quickly turned this info to her advantage by drawing on the two's mutual feeling of bitter helplessness, thus gaining RZ's sympathy and driving a wedge between him and the Awoken. Although he has resisted making wishes so far, he doesn't ignore Riven like he usually does [i.e. Last Wish] and her influence is becoming more evident in the way he reacts to things.

This has become a cause of concern for Mara Sov and the Vanguard, who have sought to limit RZ's interactions with Riven and her clutch and learn the reasons behind RZ's "sudden" change of heart.

- - -

Author's note: "dumb AI" is a carryover term from Halo, not a canon Destiny term. However, with the known exceptions of Rasputin and the Ares One AI, none of the Destiny AI are sentient/self-aware - which is why I use the term.

- - -

Drawing without text:

[yespleasefandomtrash]

adora contemplating that it’s okay to have wants as well as thinking about how much she loves catra, culminating in an extremely unorthodox proposal (but nonetheless one very fitting for the two of them)

~*~

Adora knew she had problems with… accepting things, as it were. On her first birthday - or what they’d decided was her birthday - as a part of the Rebellion, Glimmer and Bow had refurbished her entire wardrobe. With the help of Angella. She’d be so overwhelmed that not only was it still a struggle for her to wear most of those outfits but she’d also tried to make gifts for each one of them in return. They’d informed her, gently, that birthdays did not operate as exchanges. Their presents to her were tokens of appreciation for her existence, no strings attached and nothing required in response. 

She hadn’t believed them at the time. Or at least hadn’t understood them. How could someone appreciate her solely because she existed? In the Horde, a person had to work to prove their worth. They had to constantly show that they’d earned their positions. They had to justify that they deserved to live, because no one inherently deserved anything when there was no guarantee they’d all make it to see the next day. Then, as She-Ra, every day Adora felt like she had to prove her loyalties to the Rebellion as well as demonstrate her capabilities as a leader. She couldn’t let them down, no matter what the cost. As they learned to trust her, She-Ra’s responsibility shifted to being the savior. There was no one else in the universe who could do what She-Ra could, who held the power that She-Ra held, which meant She-Ra - Adora - had to be ready to do anything for the sake of those who could do nothing.

It was a mantra. A lifestyle drilled into Adora’s mind. Don’t ask, don’t want, and there will be nothing to lose. She should only take what she needed because anything more was unnecessary and would only be a sign of weakness. In the Horde, Shadow Weaver made sure Adora was never weak. In turn, as part of the Rebellion, Adora did the same for She-Ra. She clung to those basics, forcing herself to be content with working towards a greater purpose. Once, to be Force Captain. Then, or perhaps even now, to be She-Ra, and to do whatever it took to save all of Etheria.

You deserve love, too. Mara’s words often echoed in her mind, as if she’d only heard them yesterday and not months ago. Adora had struggled to take that advice to heart. ‘Deserve’ was too fickle of a term - maybe she did deserve love, but the rest of Etheria deserved to live and didn’t that outweigh her own selfish wants?

But she was gradually starting to understand that such concepts did not have to be mutually exclusive. She’d saved Etheria while the love of her life had saved her at the same time. She didn’t have to choose. Or maybe she had chosen, and she’d chosen both.

Adora, much like her girlfriend, had taken to meeting with Perfuma. To help her process… well, everything. She kept this fact private - not because she was embarrassed or anything of the like, but because she simply didn’t want any of her friends to worry. Glimmer was having to iron out the details of co-ruling with King Micah, Bow was helping his dads rebuild and restore their library, and Catra was working harder than anyone just to become accustomed to Bright Moon and to improve her relations with the people she’d hurt during her time at the Horde.

Perfuma’s response to these concerns had been that her problems were not lesser just because she’d convinced herself they were of smaller magnitude, because a person drowning in five feet of water and a person drowning in twenty feet of water were still both drowning, regardless of the difference in depth. They both needed to be saved, and both would need treatment afterwards to survive. In other words, it was okay if her friends worried on her behalf because her problems were as important as anyone else’s. Concern and empathy, Perfuma believed, were the core components of a strong bond between individuals.

Perfuma was undoubtedly right, but Adora kept her talks with the princess to herself all the same.

Another common topic at her sessions was her supposed ‘self-sacrificial’ tendencies. Those tendencies were connected to her difficulty in accepting her inner wants and desires, Perfuma had explained, and her obsessive need to be someone for everyone at any time. If she kept that up, she would eventually stretch herself too thin, hurting herself and perhaps even those around her.

So, with Perfuma’s help, Adora had created a new mantra to live by. She did not have to be everything for everyone. It was okay to want, to be selfish, to love and be loved. Perfuma was delighted to note her progress over the past several months, and Adora couldn’t help but feel pleased with herself, too. Which was also okay. There was no shame in pride and self-love.

In other words… Adora wouldn’t have traded the world she was in for a million new universes to explore.

“So how do you tell the difference between a star and a planet?” Catra asked, frowning up at the sky. “They all look like bright circles to me.”

Adora chuckled at her girlfriend’s blunt question. “I think stars twinkle and planets shine is how most people do it. But I can just… feel it. The difference.”

They were lying on one of the flatter rooftops of Bright Moon’s palace, resting side by side and staring up at the stars together. Catra liked being up high to get away from people, and Adora was more than happy to accompany her in being alone. They tried to climb up and stargaze every week, and while they were not always successful, it made the times they did manage to get away together even more special.

“I guess that’s She-Ra’s influence,” Catra mused. “Feeling the difference without knowing anything about stars.”

Adora laughed. “Probably so. I’ve never studied astronomy in my life, so…”

Catra snorted. “Except for the one time you fell asleep when George was trying to explain constellations to you. So yeah, definitely She-Ra.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” The conversation had actually been incredibly interesting - she’d just been exhausted from helping Glimmer with Bright Moon business all day.

George had recently provided them with a copy of a book about stars, as most of Etheria had been ecstatic about their reappearance in the sky. Adora and Catra had spent the past few nights spotting constellations amongst the stars, something Adora - or She-Ra, perhaps - apparently had a knack for. Catra preferred to make up her own, each story she invented for them more ridiculous than the next.

“Hey, is that a constellation?” Catra asked, pointing upwards and to her right at a cluster of stars that formed a vaguely humanoid shape. “Or is it coincidentally a weird pattern that looks like a person?”

Adora had to physically tear her gaze from her girlfriend, turning her head to look up at the sky. Not that the stars weren’t beautiful, but their light didn’t hold a candle to Catra, who in her opinion was a thousand times more stunning. Although she was probably biased on that front. “Yes,” she said after examining the stars Catra had pointed out to her. She actually remembered this particular constellation from George’s book, admittedly only because it was exactly on page 100. “It’s the Huntress constellation. The daughter of a Titan - the Titans were a race of people after the First Ones - sacrificed her life at her father’s hand to save her friends travelling with her. Her father intended to kill them all, and she was willing to do anything to stop him. She was able to trick her father into returning to his prison where he held up the sky, as the First Ones had condemned his fate to be, but in doing so he managed to strike a final blow across her body that ended up being fatal.”

“Parents hurting their children, huh?” Catra murmured. “I guess that’s not something new.”

Adora had been so excited that she’d remembered the story behind a constellation of her own accord that she’d forgotten how tragic this one happened to be. “The girl was actually one of She-Ra’s most loyal lieutenants.” Her own voice had dropped almost to a whisper. “When she died to save everyone, She-Ra immortalized her sacrifice in the stars.” She reached up, tracing the outstretched arm of the girl. “She’s drawing her bow - fighting to protect her friends even in death.”

Adora heard Catra’s claws scrape against the rooftop. “Why are so many of these stories so depressing?” she grumbled. “Someone is always dying to save other people. Why - why can’t a person do good things and just… die of old age or something? Can’t they still be remembered for their achievements without the sacrifice play?”

Adora knew she should have been listening more tentatively to her girlfriend’s words, as there was undoubtedly a lesson there she herself needed to take to heart, but Catra’s profile in the light of the moon was simply too mesmerizing. She couldn’t focus on anything else.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Even in the low silver light of the moon, the deep blush on Catra’s face was clear.

Adora had to bite back her laughter. “Like what?”

“Like… I’m everything.”

But she was everything. “You’re telling me I’m not allowed to admire my beautiful girlfriend?” Adora teased, rolling onto her side to better face Catra. “That’s not fair.”

“Shut up,” Catra muttered, but there was no acidity in her voice.

Adora leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Catra’s forehead. “I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.”

“Yeah, you have this terrible tendency of always telling the truth. The only person worse than you at lying is Scorpia,” Catra grumbled. But she didn’t seem to mind the kiss. “And if you’re going to kiss me, don’t you dare miss my lips on purpose.”

Mm. So Catra definitely didn’t mind the kiss. And Adora was more than happy to oblige with her girlfriend’s requests, though maybe ‘demands’ was a more accurate term. She lifted herself onto her elbows for a better vantage point before leaning down to capture Catra’s lips with her own, humming in satisfaction as her girlfriend began to purr. Maybe it was a silly conclusion to come to but kissing Catra, no, being with Catra was everything Adora wanted and more. She’d give up a thousand lifetimes just for the moment she was living.

No. No. She didn’t need to give anything up. She had what she wanted, there and now. No sacrifice needed to be made because Catra was with her, and no one could take that away from them.

Least of all herself.

“Hey,” Catra said, brow furrowing in concern. She carefully moved the both of them up into sitting positions. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? Wait, are you crying?!” Her voice got more frantic with each question, and she took one of Adora’s hands in her own. “Talk to me.”

Adora reached up with her free hand to touch her face, surprised to find it streaked with tears. She didn’t remember starting to cry. “‘Talk to me’,” she found herself repeating, warmth blossoming in her chest. “You and Perfuma have been working on healthy communication strategies, haven’t you?”

Catra flushed. “I - yeah, maybe” She shook her head. “Dammit, Adora, stop deflecting! I asked about you.”

“I…” Adora hesitated, her free hand dropping to rest on the rooftop. She sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, come on,” Catra scoffed. “You think I’m buying that?”

“I don’t know,” Adora insisted, pushing the hair that had fallen free from her ponytail behind her ear. “I’m just” - she silently cursed as she felt herself getting choked up - “so happy, because I love you and I want you to always be with me and now - now there’s no war that can take us away from each other. I’m… I’m allowed to want you, and to want to be with you. Although that probably makes no sense.” She swallowed the lump in her throat, wiping her tears away with her sleeve. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to kill the mood.”

Catra’s pupils had gone wide, and after a long pause she responded by pressing a fiery kiss to her lips, an unexpected reaction but certainly not an unpleasant one. Adora wasn’t complaining. “Say that again,” Catra mumbled against Adora’s lips. “Say that you want me.”

Adora almost had to fight to break away from the kiss, panting slightly from the intensity. “I want you,” she whispered, pushing her girlfriend’s bangs out of her face. The sincerity in her voice would have normally been terrifying but with Catra she wanted nothing more than to be completely honest. “I want you to be with me for the rest of my life. I want to be selfish. I want to be the only one who gets to call you mine.” She pressed a kiss to Catra’s face between each wish, moving from her nose to her cheek to back to her lips.

Catra’s confidence had long since been replaced by a crimson blush, which Adora did not mind, as flustered was a look she always loved to see on her girlfriend. “You know,” she muttered, leaning in to press their foreheads together, “I didn’t mean for you to start reciting wedding vows to me.”

Adora couldn’t help but laugh. “You know what a wedding is?”

“Mostly. Spinnerella explained it to me.”

“I bet that was an entertaining conversation.”

“Ugh. Netossa seemed to think so.”

Adora absentmindedly stroked Catra’s hair. She’d be lying if she hadn’t thought about marriage. Not much, obviously, because she’d been fighting a war her entire life, but the idea had crossed her mind once or twice. In some ways, a ceremony felt superficial, but being able to share such a blissful moment with friends and the immortalization of a relationship that came with it…

“We should get married,” she decided.

Catra sat bolt upright, pupils wide in surprise and face red in shock. “We should what?”

“Get married,” she repeated. “I want to be with you, you want to be with me. It would be a nice way to make things official, wouldn’t it?”

“Adora, we’re like - we’re not even 20,” Catra sputtered, her ears going flat to her head as her blush deepened. “I mean, I love you more than anything, but aren’t we - aren’t we kind of young?”

Adora could feel her own face turning pink in response as her brain finally caught up with the words that had been leaving her lips. “I - I didn’t mean now!” she stammered, desperately trying to figure out how to rephrase her thoughts. “I just meant, like, eventually, when we’re way older and after we’ve travelled around the entire universe restoring magic and… stuff…” She trailed off, and for a moment they just stared at each other, both too embarrassed to speak.

Catra was the first to break, losing herself in a fit of giggles as she leaned forward to press their foreheads together again. “Of course I’ll marry you one day, dummy. Then no one will ever doubt how much you want me.”

Adora flushed, but she couldn’t stop a happy smile from dancing on her lips. “Sorry that was such a weird proposal.”

“Everything you do is weird. I’m used to it.”

Adora laughed, pressing a light kiss to the top of her girlfriend’s nose. “Good.” Then an idea occurred. A brilliant idea, if she said so herself. Which she did. “So, until then…” She unpinned the golden wing from her belt before carefully attaching it to the left side of Catra’s shirt. “Just so everyone knows how much I love you.”

“More like how possessive you are,” Catra scoffed, though she was smiling as her hand brushed over the pin. “But I guess I’m in no place to say anything about that.”

Adora pressed a chaste kiss to her girlfriend’s lips. “You definitely are not.” She kissed her again, this time catching only the corner of her mouth. “But I love you anyways. I want you. And I’ll make sure you never forget it.”

Catra began purring happily, the deep vibration only intensifying as Adora continued to pepper her face with kisses. “If this is your way of reminding me, I don’t see how I ever could.”

Adora started to laugh, but was soon cut off by Catra’s lips crashing against her own, her girlfriend pushing her down against the rooftop.

You deserve love, too.

Adora knew she would continue to struggle with Mara’s words. She knew she would continue to have difficulty grasping how love was freely given and required no sacrifice in return. But she also knew she was getting there. One day at a time.

And the best part?

Catra would always be at her side. Every step of the way.

~*~