#ironic that the passion-rant that started this was how scary it is to engage with any sort of topic online that is discourse-y or

[puke-ur-gutz]

i ♡ going into verbose over-explaining mode in fear of being misinterpreted and then being misinterpreted anyways

[celebistar]

Personal: Hiatus

Personal venting; warnings, frank talk about my own poor mental health lately, specifically anxiety, so if you're not feeling well yourself you should probably avoid.

Honestly, I’m really on-edge right now as I’m writing this, but I felt I had to get something out or I just cannot sleep (not that it’s easy anyway with jetlag…) It feels really strange b/c I haven't done this type of really-personal ‘feelings’ post/rant for a long time now, not since I was RPing but well…sometimes you just gotta get your feelings out.

It isn’t really any one thing or aspect or event in particular, but just lately, especially in the past month or two, I’ve noticed myself engaging less and less with Nobunagun, i.e. fanart/fanfics. Partly it’s just the cycles of life and work and limited time, but honestly the truth is, I feel that I am…reaching the end of my “Nobunagun rope”, so to speak. Lately I’ve just been mentally burnt out, not because of any one thing, but instead of the raging wildfire I used to feel whenever I engaged in my fics and art at like 1:30am, I just feel…oh. Like neither like nor dislike, which it in and of itself is nothing wrong, but for someone like me who has always bounced from obsession to obsession—and I mean that quite literally—it’s a scary and strange feeling. Frankly, I don’t know if I like it; not being able to fall back onto my creative imaginations whenever I want to, whether it’s to pass time due to boredom or to help me cope when other stressful things happen in my life.

Now, most people would probably say ‘well that’s normal isn’t it? Interests always change’ and yes, they do; in fact, before Nobunagun I inevitably shifted interests after a while—I think YGO was the first really big one, but even before that there were myriad of series like Digimon, Cardcaptors, etc. etc…and each time I thought ‘wow, GX (or some other series) is so great, I don’t know how I can run out of ideas!’ but gradually I did move on—usually because some other interest caught my eye and was more exciting, so by the time I consciously realized I wasn’t super obsessed with the previous one, it was more like an ‘oh well’. I never really stopped to think or really miss it, because there was always something new to entertain me, keep me thinking at 110% (kinda like serial dating now that I think about it, like those people who keep chasing that initial ‘high’ you get at the start of something new but you can never maintain). Now that I am sort-of-kind-of in that phase of ‘whoa, something’s obviously wrong if you’re feeling mentally unwell so let’s take a step back’, I think it is true; that, honestly, it isn’t healthy to have an obsessive relationship with Nobunagun 24/7. It may seem strange that I am using relationship terms to describe a fandom, but I think they are parallels in many ways. But there’s a difference and it’s that Nobunagun is just a thing, a really great thing yes—but it’s not a person. It doesn’t make decisions or tell me what to do; frankly everything I choose to engage in, is 100% in my own control. But somehow, over the course of being a fan, I seemed to have imposed these really strange, invisible ‘pressures’ on myself, so to speak. Perhaps it comes from having a mind that is either all or nothing when it comes to interests, or maybe it’s because I always managed to move on to something more exciting before the old interest fully waned. I don’t know.

All I know is that whatever my ‘relationship’ with Nobunagun is right now, it’s not healthy nor good. Realistically speaking, I know it’s nearly impossible to like something 100% of the time, 24/7. I believe it is possible to sustain interests for your entire life—drawing, writing, gaming—or even series—I mean, I myself have loved the Fire Emblem series ever since they came out in the US and I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon. But unlike Nobunagun, Fire Emblem has always been what I would consider a ‘background’ interest; it’s always there but I rarely engage in what I would consider fandom activities, such as drawing fanart or writing fanfiction. Hell, I rarely even read FE fanfiction anymore (though I used to). Yet despite all this, despite advice from people I trust and love, and despite my own logical mind telling me this…I just can’t seem to let it go. At least, not easily. For some reason the very thought of no longer liking Nobunagun as I used to, so passionately—not even just no longer interested but just ‘not as interested as before’…it sends me into panic attacks. In fact I have actually been suffering quite bad anxiety these past few weeks because of this very dilemma—unable to focus, panicking the second I see something Nobunagun and I don’t feel excited, trouble sleeping…I mean hell I’ve even had trouble starting new anime series because there’s always this inkling in the back of my mind ‘what if this is the show that replaces Nobunagun?' I don’t know why I think of it as that; I don’t know why I have this self-imposed chain around myself and Nobunagun, even though it’s all my own thoughts. I just know what is, and that’s just what it feels like. I don’t know why I have such a severe trepidation of something else replacing Nobunagun even though it’s just how interests come and go and frankly, it was Nobunagun that replaced Eyeshield 21 before it.

Now, most people would say this is a sign that I should probably take a step back and re-evaluate just what it is that’s actually important in my life, and take care of myself—no thinking of Nobunagun, no trying to churn out another 2-3 chapters or another illustration in a week. And I do agree; I know, deep down, that this is warning sign that if I don’t change something soon, then I won’t even be able to salvage my love for Nobunagun—it’ll just turn into a destructive mess that ends with the only recourse being complete and utter amputation. Which is definitely not something I want. And yet it’s really hard to tell myself that it will be okay, that I will come out of this maybe not liking Nobunagun with a raging passion 110% of the time but maybe only like 30% of the time, and that’s okay—but somehow it’s very difficult to convince myself of that (if it were, trust me I wouldn’t be up typing this at 1am). I’m very much reminded of a time earlier, when I was still very active in RPing and I went through a very similar upheaval…how I couldn’t imagine not RPing anymore, how I couldn’t imagine going on in the fandom without it…but in the end, looking back I know I made the right choice, and I came out better for it. I didn’t lose my love of Nobunagun after basically stopping role-playing, and I learned, slowly, to be passionate about it again without being anxious. I came out all right and what’s more I felt l learned a lot and became a better person because of those hard times. And when that time really came, it just faded naturally and without fear—these days let’s be honest, I don’t RP anymore, even though I have the accounts—they’re honestly just there for archival/dump purposes. So that’s how I know I made the right choice…I have no regrets and I don’t/didn’t feel fear when I stopped roleplaying. It just happened naturally, and I can still look back on those times fondly.

So maybe this phase right now is just another one of those hard obstacles that I have to face, sooner or later, maybe it didn't even have to be with Nobunagun but it just so happens that Nobunagun is the thing that I'm into now…maybe it’s a reconciliation of the last remnants of being a ‘super-fan’, that Nobunagun may be the last fandom I really feel a lot of passion for, and it’s hard to say good-bye to what feels like a huge part of what defined you. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe I’ll come out of this with a looser, but still warm relationship with Nobunagun. As my boss (of all people) once told me, ‘think of it as trading fireworks for a comfortable shirt; in the beginning of anything, it feels like there’s always fireworks going off because it’s so new and exciting, but after a while things start to even out and you don’t always feel excited, all the time. It becomes more like wearing a comfortable old shirt; it’s kind of the same over and over, but it’s familiar and comforting. And when those fireworks do come again, it’ll still be exciting—but just not all the time, so when they come you’ll treasure them.’

Maybe that’s the real answer; what I would like to be able to do, is like so many of my friends, is to rotate through different interests—Fire Emblem when a new banner comes out, whatever anime I happen to be watching this season—and go back and forth so when I’m thinking ‘hey, I don’t feel like writing Nobunagun stuff’ I can go and engage with something else. Yet it doesn’t feel like I can, even though I know I am capable of it; back when I was into YGO Zexal, I actually went between different fandoms quite often—off the top of my head were Star Trek, Mass Effect, but at the same time I never lost interest in Zexal; it was just kind of there, and I went back to it after a while. So, I know from past experience I’m capable of it…and back then, I didn’t feel any sort of fear or trepidation of being into something else—but of course each experience is different and it could be that the new thing didn’t allow me room to question whether or not I still liked the old thing—but anyway that’s a different topic.

Going back and actually reading my personal posts during that really bad mental period where I had to take a hiatus from RPing and Tumblr in general (or the ones that I haven’t deleted anyway), it actually is strangely calming because it proves to me, gives me physical evidence that I went through something so painful and never thought I would be okay but guess what I turned out okay. So it gives me hope…that this too, like everything else shall pass. It’s also kind of ironic that many of the things that I said then are what I’m saying now—so I don’t know, maybe it means something, maybe it doesn’t.

But what I do know, is that for the time being, I must take a step back. I must find a way to break these self-imposed chains that force me to think ‘you must obsess over Nobunagun 24/7’ so it doesn’t consume me to the point where my mental health deteriorates. So I don’t end up seeing Nobunagun as a dark spot in my life, but rather a positive thing and something that I will continue to like, but in a more balanced relationship. Not freaking out when I realize that maybe I’m just too tired to think about Nobunagun right now, and knowing that a lot of this is honestly the anxiety talking. Speaking of which, the sucky part about anxiety is that there isn’t a cure—it’s a condition, but you can manage it, and not let it define you. Meditation has done a lot for me, both in the past and now more than ever, and also just writing things out—hence why this really long-ass post.

Anyway; strange how writing things out and admitting your deepest fears can make them seem less scary and overwhelming. Perhaps that’s the point of journaling and such? Although my handwriting is so terrible these days and so slow that it’s faster for me to type rather than keep an analog journal…maybe some people will think that I am freaking out over nothing, that a fandom is nothing to lose sleep over but well, we all have our vices I suppose. I mean hey, at least it’s just a static thing, and not say, an abusive partner.

In any case, for the immediate time being I will be going on hiatus—just like that time when I kept getting anxiety about RPing, and I had to take a step back—I must do that now, too. Frankly I don’t think it will make much of a difference since I rarely update here anyway but on that note, I will not be checking for notifs/contacts on Tumblr or really anywhere else. i don’t know when I’ll ‘come back’ and honestly I don’t want to keep putting myself on schedules or deadlines; when I feel ready, I’ll know and it’ll happen naturally. I have the most wonderful friends and family so have no fear, I will not be alone. I’m sure I’ll be back, when I feel ready.

[newyorktheater]

Watch the hour-long video of 11 short new plays below.

In “Holla,” a serial killer (Will Swenson) wearing the  distorted white mask from the Scream series, makes an ominous phone call to Chris (Chris Herbie Holland) an unsuspecting Black teenager, intending to scare him to death. But the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

“What’s your favorite scary movie, Chris?” the deep-voiced killer asks, accompanied by spooky music.

“Fruitvale Station,” Chris replies, referring to the movie based on the real-life police killing of Oscar Grant.

“I meant scary, scary…” That movie “might be scarier for…” — he hesitates – “certain people.”

Chris calls him a racist. The killer gets defensive. “I wasn’t going to kill you because you’re black…I think it’s important to kill all people..”

The four-minute play by Lee Edward Colston II – funny, pointed — is the first of the 11 new short works in #WhileWeBreathe, subtitled “A Night of Creative Protest,” which grew out of conversations the week after the police killing of George Floyd. It debuted this week, and will remain online.

“Holla” is something of an outlier in #WhileWeBreathe. More representative is

Azure D Osborne-Lee’s “Sundown Support.” In it, Kevin R. Free portrays the leader of a support group “for survivors of racial terror,” where we hear some horror stories of police abuse.

One can argue that the entire enterprise functions in some ways as a support group.

That’s been my reaction to most of the anthology productions that have proliferated since the start of the pandemic. They seem to exist on three levels.

They are in effect support groups for the theater artists involved – ways for them to stay busy, feel useful, express themselves, and stay engaged with their community (These are generally not paying gigs.)   Almost all of these productions are also, crucially, fundraisers, most for organizations meeting urgent needs.  #WhileWeBreathe is a fundraiser for NAACP Legal Defense Fund, The Bail Project, Black Organizing for Leadership and Dignity, BYP 100, Forced Trajectory Project, Justice Committee (JC), and Southerners on New Ground (SONG).

And then, on a third level, these group efforts are also gifts for theatergoers – stories or works of art or entertainments (call them what feels apt), often offered at minimal or no charge.  Put together with great passion and great speed, these shows seem to put such a priority on community that, one suspects, nobody is excluded and nothing is edited.

Since the participants are talented professionals at the top of their game, these anthologies have felt to me not so much uneven as overwhelming.

In several of the plays in #WhileWeBreathe,  a character expresses his or her anger and/or confusion in what initially sounds like a rant but turns into something powerful and lyrical.  In Liza Jessie Peterson’s “Do You Really Want To Know?,” for example, Michele Shay portrays a woman asked via text by her family how she’s doing, and she decides to tell them: “Some days I’m just paralyzed with rage. It all comes in waves. I can’t think about George Floyd without thinking about Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery….” Photographs of the victims slowly cover the video as she mentions their names, blotting her out.In Khari Wyatt’s “Mister,” Ty Jones tells his character’s story of heartache hardship, with a payoff that emphasizes the importance of dignity.

Two of the plays present the twin urgencies of protest and pandemic as a conflict: In Steve Harper’s “Three People,” a brother who is a medical professional (Keith Eric Chappelle) argues with his sister (Birgundi Baker) that she should stay home and stay healthy rather than march in the streets; in Arvind Ethan David’s “Pre-existing Condition,” a single character (Neil Brown Jr.) debates the same dilemma within himself.  “The arc of history may bend towards justice and this may be our moment to pull it a little closer, but the arc of a pandemic only knows one thing – exponential growth’’

In two other plays, we hear from characters who turn out to be dead; both dramas are probably more affecting if you don’t realize right away that you’re hearing from murder victims, so I won’t name them.

#WhileWeBreathe ends with Aurin Squire’s “Mississippi Goddamn,” which is the longest play (at about ten minutes) and feels like the most developed. Lynn Whitfield and Esau Pritchett play an older couple who live through five days of the current crisis, recalling a lifetime of tragedy, including the circumstances in which Nina Simone wrote “Mississippi Goddamn.”  Their relationship is touching and subtly amusing, their recollections deeply sad, their attitude evolves into…hopeful?

#WhileWeBreathe is dedicated to Rev C.T. Vivian and Rep. John Lewis, towering figures of the civil rights movement, both of whom died on July 17 of this year. “We follow you into good trouble.”

THE CAST:

Birgundi Baker (“The Chi,” “Heathers”), Vanessa Bell Calloway (Coming to America, Letters from Zora), Bryan Terrell Clark (Hamilton, “When They See Us”), Neil Brown Jr. (“Insecure,” “SEAL Team”), Keith Eric Chappelle (“Billions,” Cyrano), Kevin R. Free (Dave, Eighth Grade), Alfie Fuller (BLKS, Is God Is), Marcus Henderson (Get Out, “Tacoma FD”), Chris Herbie Holland (What’s in a Name?, The Cancer Patient), Ty Jones (The Great Society, The Blacks: A Clown Show), Patina Miller (Pippin, “Madam Secretary”), Lori Elizabeth Parquet (Dispatches from (A)mended America, Rizing), Esau Pritchett (“Iron Fist,” “Prodigal Son”), Obie and Outer Critic’s Circle Award winner Michele Shay (Seven Guitars, Meetings), Hailey Stone (Matters of Chance, Nasir), Will Swenson (Jerry Springer: The Opera, Hair), TL Thompson (Is This A Room, Straight White Men), and Lynn Whitfield (“Greenleaf,” The Josephine Baker Story).

WRITTEN BY:

Lee Edward Colston II (The First Deep Breath, “For Life”), Arvind Ethan David (“Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency”), Cheryl L. Davis (The Bones of Giants, “Law & Order: SVU”), Nathan Alan Davis (Nat Turner in Jerusalem, “Sorry For Your Loss”), Steve Harper (“God Friended Me,” “American Crime”), Azure D. Osborne-Lee (Mirrors, Glass), Liza Jessie Peterson (The Peculiar Patriot, Bamboozled), Bianca Sams (At The Rivers End, “Charmed”), Keenan Scott II (Thoughts of a Colored Man, “A Luv Tale”), Aurin Squire (Fire Season, “Good Fight”), and Khari Wyatt (Stomping Down at Sugar’s Love, “Africana!”).

DIRECTED BY:

Steve H. Broadnax III (The Hot Wing King, The Hip Hop Project), Carl Cofield (The Bacchae, Antigone), Bianca LaVerne Jones (Armed, FEAST), Patricia McGregor (Lights Out, Nat King Cole The Public’s Hamlet), Pratibha Parmar (Nina’s Heavenly Delights, Alice Walker: Beauty in Truth), Charles Randolph-Wright (Motown: The Musical on Broadway, TV: OWN’s “Greenleaf”), Kirya Traber (Both My Grandfathers, Permitted), and Tamara Tunie (“Law & Order: SVU,” Flight).

CASTING BY: Venus Kanani, CSA and Stewart/Whitley

EDITED: AJ Francois, Aimee Jennings, Aric Lewis

Watch #WhileWeBreathe anthology and read my review Watch the hour-long video of 11 short new plays below. In “Holla,” a serial killer (Will Swenson) wearing the  distorted white mask from the Scream series, makes an ominous phone call to Chris (Chris Herbie Holland) an unsuspecting Black teenager, intending to scare him to death.