#introducing: the most bastardized version of christianity on the planet

[lovelyirony]

uhh made up fic title: heaven won't hold it against you

but hell absolutely will 

Tony was the worst demon of all time. Of all time. 

He let humans wiggle out of deals like a worm that wasn’t hooked properly, takes pity on those who are having a rough time, and tries to warn people about what their actions are going to be like as they’re on the tipping scales of justice. 

“You are literally the worst demon of all time,” Lucifer says, flicking flames at him. He scrambles to get them off of his suit. 

“Second worst,” Tony argues weakly. “I wear nicer ties than Barry.” 

“Barry can at least drive a millionaire to the edge of a twelve-story building,” he growls. “Who gives a shit about his ties when he can give results?!” 

Tony is silent, not sure how he wants him to answer. 

“Look. We’re sending you down to earth. It’ll remind you of how shitty everyone is and you can get back to torturing people and selling their souls.” 

-

He’s in New York City. 

He’s missed it, all things considered. It’s actually chaotic, fun, and there are so many people. 

So many opportunities as well. People are driven by anger more than usual here; there are way more stressors, the subway system sucks in general, and there are at least four different ways he can ruin someone’s day in two minutes or less. 

Except that Tony can’t do it. 

He cannot ruin people’s days. It sucks. The only people that he can really ruin are the people who are already destined for Hell. He doesn’t like tempting others to go to his side, he knows exactly how bad it is. 

-

On the other end of the spectrum, Rhodey is getting his assignment to tail a demon and do some damage control. 

In New York City. 

He has a love-hate relationship with the city: they’re capable of doing incredible things, and just as quickly you will get someone who would push their grandmother off of a train platform to get a leading role in a stage production. 

But this demon is someone that Rhodey hasn’t really heard about. Which is unusual, because angels usually hear about every demon of note. 

His name, according to Pepper, is Tony. He’s pretty high level which is...odd. They know high level. 

He asks Bruce, the guy who runs kind of runs purgatory. 

(He just doesn’t really like a lot of the big shots and enjoys learning more about people.) 

“Tony’s literally the worst,” Bruce groans. 

Rhodey raises his eyebrows. 

“And why haven’t we heard about him?” 

“He’s funny. I didn’t let you know,” Bruce says with a shrug. 

“So you didn’t let me know about a dangerous demon because he’s funny?” 

“I didn’t say he was dangerous, just that he was the worst,” Bruce says with a shrug. “That term can be used in a lot of different contexts.” 

“What kind of context are you talking about?” 

“Go down and find him, and you’ll see. He has a weird goatee.” 

-

New York City is not what Rhodey remembers, but then again he hadn’t been there since 1982, and that was a whole other world away, nearly. 

Tony the Demon, otherwise known as Tony Stark, lives in the basement of an old woman’s house which is odd. Rhodey checks on the old woman only to find her alive and kicking and having tea with Tony. 

He looks...different. 

Well of course he looks different. Demons can’t exactly show off their best assets to humans: the humans would probably die. 

But what surprises him is that they’re eating cookies together and the old woman is telling him about how she used to dance to music with her husband. 

And then they dance. 

They dance, and it’s surprising. 

Tony should be telling her that her husband is never coming back and she’s going to die alone, and he...he isn’t. 

-

There are more instances of it. 

Tony pays for someone’s coffee and holds open doors. He listens to people talk even when it’s complete nonsense, but he listens to them all the same. 

He does puzzles on his days off. 

Tony works in a coffee shop. 

Rhodey’s not sure what kind of long game he’s been attempting to play, but it’s not going to work on him. He’s here for as long as it takes. 

-

Then Tony Stark notices him. 

He doesn’t notice he’s an angel, but he notices his stormy expression and the way that he’s boring holes into the seat across from him at the coffee shop. 

(Look, their peppermint mocha is literally the only good one Rhodey’s had for years, and so he’s not going to go anywhere else.) 

But he usually goes when Tony isn’t there. 

But Tony covered someone’s shift. 

What a fucking angel. 

“You alright today?” Tony asks, his voice softer, eyebrows slightly raised. “Because you kinda look like you want to kill that seat, and I’m not gonna lie to you: we still need that one.” 

Rhodey smiles, shaking his head. 

“Just thinking about work troubles.” 

“Must be some trouble. What can I get for you?” 

“Uh...sixteen ounce peppermint mocha?” 

“Oh my god, you’re peppermint mocha dude?” 

“Why is that important?” Rhodey asks. “Why do you know me?” 

Tony blushes, and it looks...nice. Not evil. That’s weird. Demons don’t usually blush. 

“Uh, just that...my coworker noticed your robot tie. I wanted to see it, but I’m never around when you’re here. But I like your tie today! It’s a good stripe-pattern.” 

He’s being genuinely nice. 

Rhodey knows demons, has heard all the stories from the old-timers. They’re not good at being genuinely nice, ever. The only being they’re ever...respectful of is the Big Guy Upstairs, and even that’s questionable. 

“I’ll...wear it next time,” Rhodey says carefully. “How much do I owe you?” 

“Two-sixteen,” Tony chirps, and he gives him a look. 

“Did you...did you just give me a discount?” 

“Well you seem to be having a rough time, and I had to give you some incentive to show off your tie,” Tony smiles. “Besides, everyone needs something nice every once in a while.” 

Bruce was right: Tony really was the worst demon. 

-

He visits more during Tony’s shifts. He usually works the really early mornings or the really late nights. The shifts that people don’t want, he takes. 

Rhodey sees him a lot. 

“I see you more often than I think I should, honestly,” Tony says with a laugh. “Do you work from home?” 

“I keep my own hours,” Rhodey says with a shrug, “and I like your coffee more than I probably should.” 

“Hey, I’m not complaining,” Tony says. 

“Well, you’re an angel for making it,” Rhodey teases, mostly looking to see Tony’s reaction. 

He smiles softly. 

“You really think so?” 

“Yeah. I really do,” Rhodey says, smiling. “You’re the nicest guy I know.” 

“I try my best.” 

“Your best is always good,” he answers. He walks out of the shop, telling him that he’d see him tomorrow. 

As Rhodey exits, he doesn’t see the person watching them across the street. 

-

Hell keeps tabs on their own. 

Even if they don’t like their own. 

And Tony...well. He’s a bit too good.