#interpersonal social dynamics are absolutely not my strength and i try to make it clear that sometimes i need to be told things

[calamitys-child]

*through gritted teeth, shaking* if you want the rewards of not ruining your life and alienating everyone in it you must submit to the mortifying ordeal of talking about it like a grown up

[breathe-smiles]

pt iii. points of improvement

i’ve been having some trouble figuring out how exactly to go about this next chapter of growth in my life. i’m attempting to let loose a little more, take things as they come and take them constructively, but easy. there’s definitely advantages in formulaically guiding your growth, knowing specifically what you want and trying to create a way to get it. this is what i’m used to; this is what i know how to do. but somehow, i feel intuitively that i’m currently in for growth that’s spontaneous.

i’m 18 now and it’s 2020. i’m starting my second semester of college. i didn’t expect to be where i am, mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. i love being in control, but i am oddly finding comfort at the moment in letting go of that control and floating. i want to be shown realms i’ve never seen before and meet people i didn’t know could exist. i want to be challenged to think outside of what i know and grow in ways i don’t expect to. it’s really important to me to know what i want. but instead of solidifying my goals and paving my path right in this moment, i want this period to uncover to me what i really want. i don’t have a tangible outline of my future, but i’m excited for the journey of creating one. and i know through it, i’ll learn things i never even thought i needed to know.

everyday, i continue finding my truth. i constantly question the things i think, say, and do, in order to grasp a deeper understanding of why i am the way i am. i have trouble compromising absolute authenticity; i always need to be true to me. sometimes, i have to think twice and revise impulsive comments or thoughts, or make changes to my behavior, because i don’t feel like i’m upholding myself genuinely. it matters a lot to me that i am honest, real, and sincere. those are the things i value the most.

and so, despite being excited to free-spiritedly discover, roam, live, and grow, i have to keep in mind that there are things i have learned and noticed in the past couple of months that do still matter and do hold true to me. living with my head in the clouds, running around my new universe that’s doubled in size, and letting myself go instead of holding on tightly, i realized that i can get caught up in a multitude of convoluted things that don’t necessarily represent me and aren’t necessarily important to me. the theme of my life right now is to be free and feel okay being free, discovering and uncovering things instead of looking for them. but remembering to bring myself back down to earth is the only way not to lose myself in the process, or become somebody i’m not. i have to stay grounded and committed to who i am, because that is so important to me (and because i know i can). i am capable of simply evolving into a more refined version of my core self, even if, at the same time, i flip my world upside down, change how i live and interact with society, and reorient my aspirations and dreams.

that being said, i haven’t been completely myself in the past couple of months. and i didn’t hold myself to my usual standards of being myself because it had been first semester freshman year of college. this was a transition period that i needed to give myself. but needless to say, i could’ve done better. maybe i didn’t do as much mental preparation as i should’ve, because it was a fucking rollercoaster. i fluctuated from having some of my highest highs to lows that i forgot could exist and back. and for the first time in a long while, i didn’t feel in control, like i had no grasp at all on my mental instability. one minute i’d feel on top of the world and the next i’d be falling apart. i was so unsure of what was good for me and what was bad. i just took things as they came and let them hit me like a truck.

my hopes for winter break were to truly process and regain my ability to be in control. my time at home was meant to be therapeutic, to remember who i was before i left and all the things that i ran away from. now that i feel like i’ve done that, it’s clear that lots of things have to change for me to do better. these are parts of me that are points of improvement, crucial pieces that make me up that i’ve let loose these past couple of months. this is me regaining me.

i. self

personality reform is hard. most of the time, you know who you are and you’re sure about it. so, when you try to revert to staying true to you, it feels like mere readjusting. other times, you hope you haven’t already lost bits of yourself in flux.

i’ve been primarily working on my patience and teamwork abilities in the past year, as well as how i deal with setbacks and results that i don’t expect to receive. these things have only gotten better and better, which i am happy about. i’ve been able to continuously push my threshold for tolerance and navigate the dynamics of the different teams i’ve become a part of.

the main thing i’ve noticed first semester is that i’ve lost a little bit of my down to earth-ness - and it’s weird to say that because being down to earth is something i value so much. the person i project to others, especially to people that don’t already know me like the back of their hands, is more intimidating and intense than ever before. maybe this is a product of my found confidence, or maybe a continuation of my ability to have a conversation. i’m no longer shy and that’s apparent now. i stopped being hyper self-conscious and stopped caring so much about what people thought of me. on one hand, i’d categorize that as a strength of mine. on the other, it’s led to more oversharing than i’d like, a lot less consciousness of what i appear to be like.

social media is also once again playing a role in this. being in la has definitely made me more aware of who i am materially (which i’ve come to appreciate as a good thing, even though it’s simply a lifestyle i don’t really understand). aside from trying to create a pretty instagram feed, i’ve also gotten into the habit of oversharing on my finstas. not that i mind keeping those close to me updated. i just find difficulty constructively solving my own problems when i externalize them instead of internalize them - and that’s something i have to keep in mind.

i guess what i’m saying is that i need to relearn how to project the person i want to project. people only need to see so much. and that much for me, is not a lot.

ii. professional life + extracurriculars

academically, i’m impressed by how well i managed to do. i got a 3.9 gpa, which entails straight As and one A-. i didn’t even know you couldn’t get A+s. the point of improvement, however, is that i didn’t throw myself 100% into my work. i wasn’t doing the most i could do. i hadn’t paid attention every time i should’ve. even though it doesn’t seem to matter much grade-report-wise, it matters to me that i wasn’t giving it my all.

the other thing is my health. my physical and mental health are tied, and i seemed to let that slide. fencing practice hurt so badly, but i knew how rewarding it’d be. creating reasons to skip practice made me feel unworthy of taking on the sport in the first place. in addition, i went to the gym maybe once in the very beginning of the semester. my body doesn’t look all that different per se, but it definitely doesn’t feel good perpetuating the inactivity. now that i’m back on my game, i remember just how much a little activity could do to clear my head.

the last thing is that i need to do more things that help me grapple with my future career paths. how do i integrate my interests to ultimately do something that i truly love? i guess i’m still seeking out extracurriculars that help me find this meaning; i guess i’m still learning.

iii. society

i have never felt as introverted as i have in college (and you’d really expect the opposite). what i’ve learned is you really can’t escape people on campus. you’re living with other college students, constantly surrounded by other college students, and inclined to interact with other college students. having complete alone time is almost impossible, unless you make the effort to leave campus.

in all honesty, i quite like the social aspect of college. this environment is an aspect of college i was really looking forward to. but i’ve also had to reevaluate how much time to myself i really need, what i say to invitations to excursions, and if i’m recharged enough to engage in interpersonal interaction. this has been a challenge, and i hope to get better at it this semester. i need to remember it’s a balance between my need for me-time and healthy portions of social interaction.

another part of this is who do i want to surround myself with. my intuition and my ability to read people give me good advantages in filtering the population, but it’s also proven to me that making friends that i really do vibe with is pretty difficult. it’s strange because even though you’re surrounded by people 24/7, finding the ones you’re really in tune with is still incredibly hard. i know it’s a matter of being patient, though. i forget that it took me a few years to meet some of my greatest friends from high school. i suppose it is fate.

@ second sem : hit me w the best u got. i am ready 4 u. 💥