#internalized arospecphobia

[flip-flopping-frede]

How I ended up dehumanizing people in my own marginalized community because I idolized them.

I want to acknowledge that I understand that this behavior that I did was dehumanizing, and it caused me to hurt people by perpetuating phobic things.

This is me journaling. So, a bit of time ago, approximately Sept 15, 2021, discovered I am akoiromantic. And yes finding a label that fits is epic and also processing it and accepting it usually takes time. I am someone who is generally romance favorable, however I don’t identify as romance favorable because I am romance ambivalent, meaning my feelings about romance change. Sometimes I can be romance-repulsed, essentially. After some akioromantic—affirming experiences, I started to question if there was even a point to dating or if, how do I say this, it would be possible for me to work with anyone or how I would go about doing that. At some point, I stumbled across cupioromantic and I was like yes! These are my people! This is my target! If I kept my eye on the prize than a relationship could be possible, since cupioros are aromantic/don’t experience romantic attraction.

I basically dehumanized a group of people by idolizing them. It become more extreme, like instead of it stemming from the fact that cupioros don’t experience romo attrac and desiring the romo relationship, it become more about cupioros making me feel safe bc I knew they would never be romo attrac to me (when people are romo attrac to me I avoid them). Obviously this escalated to the point where I discovered people who do experience romo attrac (akoiros like myself) identifying as cupioro. And this made me feel unsafe I guess and I did not like it, so I basically asked permission from other cupioros if I was allowed to gatekeep cupioromanticsm by saying if you are arospec/experience romo attrac you can’t be cupioro. (I did not say it that bluntly and did not realize I was idolizing cupioros until later on). For the most part there was discussion and yes at points I did feel like I was not being validated, however people mostly seemed interested in educating me and sharing their experiences, which meant I was getting a lot of attention that I appreciated.

It really sucks and is honestly a bit scary to see that I’m capable of idolizing an entire group of people. It is also probably shows that I’m drawn to people/relationships that would fail, since a lot of cupioros say they *wish* they could experience romo attraction, and even tho I always brushed this off as internalized arophobia and not accepting that they are aro, I have to accept that there are some members in the cupioro community who are not aro, but arospec. Example today I read the experiences of someone who never had a crush before, and they identified as cupioro. And then they eventually realized they were demi with their current partner. I think it would make sense to “switch” labels, however if they person felt validated and comfortable by the cupioro label and/or in the cupioro community, then it makes sense in my mind for them to still call themselves cupioro and/or remain in the cupioro community.

However, in my mind it also makes me feel unsafe and threatened, and that is when I realized I was dehumanizing a marginalized group of people by dehumanizing them. In terms of dating, “aro” does not make me feel safe because it is wildly common for arospec people to throw their labels away and just identify as aro.

I feel like I have to some accepting on my part, and I feel like I also have to do some internal work as well. I really caused some emotional distress and I actually entertained the idea of gatekeeping and invalidating people (something against my values) all because I idolized a group of people that already suffers from internalized cupiorophobia and cupiorophobia. I feel bad and I think I felt a lot of shame, anxiety, anticipation and dread yesterday (especially because one of the people didn’t validate me at all and was more focusing on talking at me and invalidated what I said), but I think at the moment the most significant emotion I am experiencing is disappointment. I was so proud of myself for breaking off my fp relationship in summer 2021 and not developing a full-on fp relationship this time, only to realize I have been idolizing cupioromantics. It wasn’t even a specific person or certain people, it was a marginalized arospec orientation. I didn’t think I was capable of that, I didn’t think I was that desperate for some sort of hope for a potential relationship to work out.

Sure, I can try aro4aro or aro on aro dating, however like I said the arospecphobia is really bad so arospecs may identify as aro. This means people who experience romo attrac may use the label aro or aroace. This is such a big deal for me because these are potential friends. Sometimes, as an akoiromantic, I can experience romantic repulsion towards the people who I was romo attracted to, after they express romo attraction towards me. And idk with BPD and having 0 support system I feel like I would just destroy the friendship/relationship or avoid them. And that just makes me feel sad.

I just have a refreshed feeling of hopelessness manifesting as the BPD symptom of emptiness. Sure, it is possible that there is someone out there who is my “right person” or “ideal person” or “right/ideal people”, and also, I don’t feel like going through the pain of starting and loosing so many potential friendships in the name of romance repulsion or BPD splitting, or worse, enduring what feels like “romantic attraction” towards me. It would probably be really helpful for me to work on the DBT skill of mindfulness so I can identify idolization behaviors or “splitting white” on someone or something more quickly, before I start doing behaviors that go against my own morals and values in the name of being emotionally regulated or having something to focus on. 🤷🏽