#interestingly stephanie later said that she felt that everyone blamed her for rudolf's death - but she never considered herself guilty

[archduchessofnowhere]

1889, 29 January we had a family dinner at which Rudolf, whom I last saw at the opera on 22 January, did not appear. He was hunting in Mayerling and had Philipp Koburg [Rudolf's brother-in-law] tell him that he had a slight cold and fever and preferred to stay outside quietly. - Oh dear God, how am I to continue writing now?

On Wedenesday, 30 January, everything was already packed to travel to Ofen on Thursday. At 12 o'clock I was just before dinner with Louise and Margit, when Gusti told me that Mama had sent for me. I hurry up quite merrily and find Mama [Empress Elisabeth] in my bedroom. "Rudolf is very ill - no hope (I sat on her lap) - you'll go pale - it's the very worst." I don't know why I say: "Has he killed himself?" And then, as Mama asked, so frightened, why I thought that, I knew. We knelt down, but you can't pray properly at such moments. Mama told me to be quiet like her, because of Papa [Emperor Franz Josef], and I was. She herself had told him the news brought by Count Hoyos and while my thoughts were still with him, who had not been spared this bitterest of things, he himself entered. - Words cannot tell how painful it is to look at him; I fell around his neck. We held each other and wept, and his heroic example sustained Mama and me.

I was now sent to Stephanie [Crown Princess of Austria] to bring her over. Everything, everything, Countess Tarouca had told her, unhappy woman! She kept asking us all to forgive her, for she must have felt that her lack of devotion had helped to drive Rudolf to this dreadful thing. Mama was sublime with her, loving and almost motherly, without bitterness.

Franz [Archduke of Austria-Tuscany, Valerie's fiancé] was my consolation: one must give oneself completely to God. But Mama says: "The great Jehovah is terrible when he comes witheringly like the storm." In the evening, Mama says it's not quite certain yet whether Rudolf killed himself. People say: Heartbeat. Thousands of them stood on the Burgplatz and the soldiers sat on guard reading the newspaper. Our Papa was calm, godly, heroic and holy. I couldn't look at him without crying.

Archduchess Marie Valerie of Austria (1998), Das Tagebuch der Lieblingstochter von Kaiserin Elisabeth (1878-1899) (Translation done by DeepL. Please keep in mind that in a machine translation a lot of nuance may/will be lost)