#interestingly none of my online crushes have ever been men??? but the brain destroying love thing was a man. make of that what you will

[burinazar]

[warning: post about my ‘personal’ ‘romantic’ ‘life’, got a little mopey and oversharey. This Is Tumblr, So Im Posting It Anyway]

I sometimes conceptualize of myself as getting online crushes at the drop of a hat, but in fact that is not true. i develop a vague attraction to some online acquaintance about once every one to two years (and then do nothing about this since the idea of such a thing being mutual is…i mean, i’m not delusional, i’m aware it’s zero. stats irl bear this sort of thing out as far as anyone ever “liking me back.” I also can’t bear the humiliation and indignity of expressing such a thing and how pathetic and presumptuous I’d feel doing so, like a crawling worm that thinks it’s a human. Anyway,)

once every couple years …objectively isn’t “often”! most probably the reason I think “oh that happens so often” is that it, uh, does happen ‘often’ compared to the frequency with which I fall for people in real life. crushes number in the single digits and falling in love happened once, ever, catastrophically and extremely badly, for about four years, pathetically and unrequitedly, until it was finally snuffed out by lack of proximity, like suffocating a fire for lack of oxygen.

I’m slightly afraid it never ended and mostly try not to think about it. I accidentally did something really strange to myself a couple weeks ago by (hilariously, it was thru finding my old homestuck art and then thinking about my life at the time) remembering the wrong memories — Like, it was…trigger-adjacent? Idk I don’t like to use that word about myself I’ve never felt like I had a right — Anyway it was really bad I was in bed like shaking and crying and thinking, it never ended, it never ended, it will never end, I just achieve denial, that’s all I can do, I just wrap myself up in the comfort of imagining A&N or B&V and filling my heart with imagining their love but you idiot it’s all just lying to yourself and forgetting that I’ll never again know the peace and happiness I felt at [redacted]’s side and how that was so much better than nothing even if it would never be returned and ten years going by proves that, just like I knew then, it was once in a lifetime

…this was supposed to be a lighthearted post. Oops! Aaanyway, yes, your local Ebil develops some kind of vague online attraction every so often and then does not do anything about it ever. I think the part of my brain that does that kind of refocuses onto fictional love in a weird way? we’re going to go down a really weird path if i try to explore that further though and I didn’t like the way my mind went there when I —let’s say Mentally Stepped On a Rake as described above

tangent: one of the reasons i can get irrationally hurt over people being dicks about my handful of treasured ships is that part of me is like “you won’t even let me have THAT????” yeah yes i know that doesn’t make any fucking sense. christ. no i swear this post was meant to be lighthearted. oh man