#instead she's in like four episodes and every single scene is awkward as fuck for andy

[bendyguitarpick]

I've been watching the avatar series and honestly, I think this warrants a bullet points review bc I have a lot of opinions, and some are unexpected. I haven't been following a y discourse online about the show bc I wanted to form my own opinions before I finished it! This is episodes 1 through 5.

Right off the bat in episode 1, the first thing that strikes me as a huuuge issue is that Aang does not argue with monk gyatso before running away. It's a problem that keeps coming up in this show, and its that all the conflict is deflated from the characters and given to the plot. Instead of a young character making a mistake and learning from the end result, our protagonists just respond in a way that's removes any of their decision making from the driving force of the story. Aang didn't run from his responsibility out of fear, he just needed to clear his head!- our sweet baby boy remains the moral compass!

That being said, I do think the rearranging of the plot in thr first episode is absolutely the right move for the show. The pace is immediately set and it works.

The visuals (costume and set design) feel very very shiny and new, like how all netflix shows end up looking, overly saturated and costumey.

The casting for aang and zuko is one of my favorite things EVER. They are probably the most competent actors so far tbh. That little boy is giving it his all 🥲

Sokka and suki!!! Another instance where all the conflict and resolution feels unearned because there was nothing to resolve! Fine, you can choose to remove the sexism arc, at its center, this sokka and suki introduction is about sokka developing a level of humility that he will need in order to learn from the people we see him meet on this journey. Sokka comes in in the live action show a clueless small town warrior who gets shown the ropes on the big stage, but for what? We see suki chew him out but because there's no real conflict, he's just some shmuck getting chewed out for no real reason other than not knowing enough. It's completely hollow.

Ok this leads me to the fight scenes. They're bad! The only one that I liked was Bumi and aang, we had sustained wide shots, a creative use of bending, and the actors movements feeling well rehearsed. The opposite was the case for nearly every other fight smh.

Katara my beloved 😭 she is shockingly underwritten and I'm trying to figure out why. She gets so little active screentime that isn't just parroting the plot back to aang and sokka. All her passion and life is dead flat. I was praying they'd give her her painted lady momentand it never came, she never had a moment. It's such a huge fuck up to leave one of your three LEADS out to dry like that.

That being said, I had my little fangirl squee when jet and the freedom fighters were revealed. The casting just had me absolutely giddy 😭

And that's just katara compared to everyone else! Because at the end of the day this is the most poorly written dialogue I've seen in a show in so freaking long. It is written so stilted and klunky, and the actors are given so little direction, the end result is so dry and lifeless. It is honestly the single worst part of the show.

Our characters are no longer active decision makers in each town they visit! The plot is just happening to them! It's an extention of that conflict criticism, our heroes don't have anything to learn, they're just along for the ride! No opinions or conflict here!!

But... the one thing that absolutely is working for me... is the story. All the plot changes have been the right move every time. Combining episodes has worked so well in this short season format that it's kept me following along every time! Putting like four episodes into one omashu episode??? And having them connect in a way that makes sense??? Ik completely impressed

So far, it seems like awkward dialogue and overly shiny visuals has bogged down a show that really really could've worked in the live action format! The plot has still succeeded in keeping me engaged for the hour run time of each episode, along with the really great aang and zuko moments.

[asgardian--angels]

5x26, 6x01, and 6x02 didn’t have to go so hard but they did

man this show is gonna give me an ulcer, i’ve never been so stressed out watching star trek in my life

- the circlejerk dick-measuring contest of kira, dukat, damar, and weyoun

- the garak/ziyal trainwreck andy honey im so sorry they did that to you

- the only way i can rationalize those writing choices in having garak put up with such an uncomfortable situation is that he feels so bad for ziyal that he decided at some point he’d allow what he thought would be a harmless crush just to give her some fleeting sense of joy except now he’s realized that he’s been far too lenient and it’s backfiring because she’s loyal to him now and that’s a mistake, and frankly that speaks volumes to his character but you’re on thin fucking ice, writers

-anyway i think garak actually made a clever speech that I liked during that scene but my mind short-circuited and went to BSOD when ziyal kissed him and i lost like ten minutes worth of memories trying to purge it from my brain

- jake sisko not knowing when to keep his dumb mouth shut in front of the fascists

- garak delivering his ice cold takes on war ethics that obliterate team morale

-miles actually complaining about ripping his pants when dax is hemorrhaging

- garak with his little starfleet badge was actually the highlight of my week

-keevan is actually a little monster man, a little troll of a person

- oh no! you’ve become complicit in fascism kira no more accepting raktajinos from the enemy

- garak throwing needless jabs at julian about his enhancements because he’s feeling betrayed that he let julian in on his biggest secret and yet he had to find out about julian’s genetics through station gossip, understandable but also unnecessary, writers what are you trying to do here

- on that note, hats off to sid and andy for taking the one scene they got together in these three episodes and made it as homoerotic as possible, like i think i understand now that split second frame where andy looks into the camera after the ‘boyish smile’ line, that’s him telling the producers ‘these are the scraps you gave me and you see that? i worked with it’

anyway this is the most intense star trek has ever been and it’s thrilling but frankly i need a breather please take me back to the days of delavian chocolates and dukat jumping around with a spike up his butt 

[honest-kdrama-reviews]

Review #4: Coffee Prince

WARNING: THIS POST DEF CONTAINS SPOILERS. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED THE DRAMA. (I will do my best to label spoilers, but I’m not perfect.)

This drama, straight from 2007, is definitely reminiscent of Boys Over Flowers. Which makes sense since they're from the same era of dramas.

Welcome to THE THIRST CORNER!!!! This is my fourth review and I've realized that I thirst over characters around this time so I'm making a thing.

OUR MALE LEAD. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. GONG YOO!!!! (AND YOUNG GONG YOO?? Like, he's so fine in Goblin, but 2009 GY just hits diff.)

Look, I will never complain about some good ol' fan service. They know their audience. But this isn't about the GIF. Anyway.

It was so exciting to see him play a young/immature character. Like, there are flashes of it in Goblin, but it was kinda cute to see him play a flirty playboy who runs around with daddy's money?? Obviously, he has character development, but I just really found myself simping for him most of the time idk.

OH YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS IT? NAH SON. THERES ONE MORE. MAY I PRESENT NOH SUN-KI (played by Kim Jae-Wook)!!!!

LIKE??? Every single time this beautiful man with his long hair in a cute lil ponytail and black painted nails came onto the screen all I could think was that one tiktok audio that's like "CMON FUCK ME EMO BOY". I was down so bad for him the entire time. Like, if he bossed me around I would simply be like "yes sir" and not even mind it.

I had also just watched Her Private Life (where he plays the male lead) before so when I realized who he was I was like-

So, safe to say I was also in love with him. His character has such an intriguing sub plot that I wasn't reaching for my phone when his backstory would come on. Unlike some people... We'll get there.

The plot, overall, was fine. I mean, it just felt like it was longer than it needed to be? It could have easily been 12 episodes instead of 17. I had to stop watching for a while because it was just random drama (not the good kind imo) every five minutes.

Let's talk about the female lead. Honestly, I think it was in fact shitty of her to keep it a secret for so long that she was in fact a woman. Like, she had SO MANY opportunities and her excuses just weren't justified enough. The amount of times I found myself having to pause the show in frustration because of her was way too many. I get it- she was in conflict about it. I would be too. But there's no way you could see exactly where that ends up? She also just seemed dopey and naive, especially when she was supposed to be the breadwinner for her family and apparently so much more mature. Other than wanting to work hard and stand on her own, I didn't find her very relatable. Definitely not my favorite of all the female leads.

The only supporting cast that I found myself really loving was the boys at the coffee shop. They were so kind and (for the most part) super cool with the fact that Chan was a girl. Han Sung and Yoo Joo, however, were the most annoying. Towards the end of the show, I was so desperate to finish it that I skipped their sub-plot scenes. Terrible of me? Maybe. But I just wasn't into it. Their sub plot seemed to never make its way back to the main plot once Chan made it clear she wasn't into Han Sung.

I'm noticing that quite a few dramas have awkward age gaps. Like, yes, Chan isn't in high school so it isn't THAT weird, but she seems so young in comparison to Han Kyul and the whole crew. This in mind(SPOILER) , her refusing to get married for four more years is (of course) a big deal for someone who's literally 30. Like, yes, the relationship didn't start with marriage in mind, but had that thought never occurred to her? She hardly ever took Han Kyul into account when making these decisions herself, which is a big relationship no no?

I've never watched a drama that made me say "uh, what the fuck?" out loud so many times. Like, they show a little kids whole naked butt cheeks like its nothing? No blurring or anything? Also (spoiler I guess?) Yoo Joo and Han Sung did some weird couple-y stuff that made me never want to date. The finger boots thing? Is that a normal couple thing? They were just weird- maybe they were trying to make a point in showing that after 10 years they're comfy together?

Now, you may be thinking "Wow, this person hated this drama". No, that's not entirely true. There was a lot of beautiful moments in the coffee shop. And (SPOILER) watching Han Kyul grow from a playboy into someone who takes his life seriously was really cool to watch. I think my main problem is the amount of hype this drama has? People saying this is their comfort drama? Not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, but I just don't see it. While this drama was okay, I will probably not willingly watch it again.

In regards to the OST, there wasn't any music that I thought "Gotta have this on my playlist!!". I don't even remember much of the music, tbh. It didn't impact me the way Stand By Me (and a good chunk of the OST from Boys Over Flowers) did.

Rating for the drama: 6.5/10

Reminder that these are simply my opinions. If this is your favorite drama, I don’t mean to offend you. Feel free to put what you loved/didn’t love in the comments. Just be kind and remember that everyone like different dramas. Also please be nice to me, I am but a normal person. :)

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 5 Characters in ANF Who Would’ve Made Better Love Interests Than Kate

There are a lot of mixed opinions on TWDG: A New Frontier. Some people like it, some don’t, and some people hate it so much that they refuse to accept as canon in the series. Extreme? Yeah, but hey, to each their own. 

One thing that always bothers me when I do my replay of the series and this game is how much Kate is forced on us and even kinda punishes us for not romancing her. Like, no offense, but I’m not really interested in dating my sister-in-law, especially when her husband is actually alive, and even if she wasn’t my brother’s wife, she’s still not a character I have chemistry with, y’know? 

And every time I play, I can’t help but think that almost anyone else in ANF would’ve been a better romantic interest for Javi over Kate, so I decided to make that the list for this week. 

I would’ve loved more choices and for the game to actually show Javi’s canon bisexuality outside of a flirty line with Jesus that most players didn’t even pick. Just sayin’.

I do want to note that if you enjoy the romance with Kate and the relationship between her and Javi, that’s totally cool. Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, y’know? I’m not here to try to change your mind or tell you you’re bad for shipping something I don’t because I’m not a dingus. You do what makes you happy, friend. :)

Besides, going off the stats, a majority of players romanced her so if anything, I’m the weirdo. This list is just for fun! 

Before we start, just wanna say a big thank you to @pi-creates​ for helping out with this one! Really appreciate it! Now, here are my top 5 characters who, in my opinion, would’ve made better love interests for Javier than Kate.

5. Jane if the writers didn’t turn her into a dead potato

Oh man, you should see your face right now. 

Wait, wait, stop! Before you click outta here in a huff with your “Kenny good Jane bad” grunts and come yell at me, just hear me out-- this entry is mostly a joke and the other four on this list are serious, okay? 

I needed someone to put at #5 and after talking over some options and going back and forth.... Jane came up as a joke and then kind of made the list. Because really, I thought about it. I was like, “Would I really rather have dingdong “whatever happens stay out of it” potato face Jane as a love interest over Kate? Do I dislike Kate as an option that much?” and Pi and I talked about this for a while and yeah.... yeah I would actually. 

When I said anyone but Kate, I guess I really meant anyone. 

Trust me, I know, I’m just as surprised. I guess this really says a lot about my feelings for Kate. I didn’t know I disliked her this much either.

But for fun, let’s entertain this idea of the writers NOT pulling the ol’ character assassination on Jane and she made it to Richmond with Clementine and AJ because--

Jane: "One time I ate glass because I was drunk and thought it was sugar."

Javier: "I gambled on my own baseball matches and disgraced myself for money."

Jane: “Well, I dragged my little sister around with me after everything went to shit until I finally gave her what she wanted and left her to die.”

Javier: “I wasn’t there when my dad was fighting cancer and when I finally showed up, I was too late and he was already dead, then he turned and I bashed his skull in with a piece of wood.” 

Jane: “I shot a dude’s dick off once.”

Javier: “Oof. I insulted an old lady’s cake and then shot her eye out.”

Jane: “I screwed a guy when I was supposed to be securing a place for some lady to have her baby and it resulted in the death of a teenage girl.”

Javier: “I screwed my brother’s wife.” 

Jane: “...”

Javier: “In my defense, I thought he was dead.” 

Jane: “That’s fair.”

Clementine, exasperated and emo: “Oh my god.” 

....I mean... we might be onto something here, c’mon--

Okay, now onto the more legit entries. 

4. Conrad

Now listen... I know, okay? I know. I know this one can be seen as a bit problematic considering the fact that Conrad, in his grief and anger over Francine’s death, held a gun to Gabe’s head and threatened Javi and Clementine.... plus Javi can literally murder him.

...and if you don’t do anything, Conrad with murder both Gabe and Javi and you’ll get a “YOU ARE DEAD” screen...

But we don’t talk about that because it’s not canon.

I know, but listen... I’m allowed to have ships that are difficult, as are you, and this is my list so... there.

If Conrad was a love interest that’s the route I’d take because I love him and I think a relationship between him and Javi could’ve been so damn good if properly done.

I just find Conrad to be an interesting character with a great arc that you only get to see if you don’t shoot him... which is what most people did, so they missed out. And like, I get it, I get why y’all shot him but maybe next time you play, you could consider not doing that?

So here’s the thing, Javi and Conrad share something-- they both lost loved ones because of shithead Badger. Javi is heartbroken after Mariana’s death, Conrad is devastated after Francine’s death, and they both handle that in different ways. Conrad becomes so focused on revenge and getting into Richmond, that he’s willing to threaten two kids in order to get what he wants but the thing is... that’s not him.

He even says so himself when you keep him alive-- he genuinely apologizes for what happened and will end up coming back to save Javi’s life in ep4. The potential for this to work as a relationship? It’s there... the only problem is that my confidence in the writers handling something like this is low, but let’s pretend they used their time and brains wisely-- ya got yourself a classic slow-burn friends to enemies to friends again to lovers romance and I’m here for it. 

3. Paul “Jesus” Monroe

A lot of people really like the idea of Javi and Jesus and wanted him to be a romantic option, and I don’t blame them. They have chemistry in the scenes they share, and Javi can straight up flirt with him at the end of the season, and it’s super cute... of course, I wish we had more but Telltale was too scared to actually show Javi’s bisexuality outside of that one line, I guess.

But, anyway, this ship has a lot of sweet fanart that we love to see.

The only real reason he isn’t higher on the list is that Jesus is apparently already in a relationship at this point? I guess? From what I’ve been told? Listen, I don’t read the comics, I don’t watch the show, I just go off what y’all tell me. Plus, I believe Kent joked about Jesus having someone in each community during the commentaries so like... that’s a thing?

But let’s pretend that we throw that all out and Jesus is single and ready to be in a committed relationship with our boy Javier here. Like I mentioned above, these characters have a believable chemistry from the moment they meet and I think that has a lot to do with how charming they are by themselves. Those different charms work well together.

I also enjoy how much of a badass Jesus is when it comes to fighting off walkers. Javi has a lot of force that you feel with each hit, while Jesus almost has a lighter but just as impactful hit? I dunno if I’m explaining that well-- basically, Javi strong but Jesus can bounce off walls and do cool shit with weapons that feels effortless.

It’s a combo of fighting styles that I love, so these two fighting together? *chef kiss*

There’s also Jesus’ morality and how he wants to see Javier make “good” decisions, y’know? Sure, he gets pissy if you murder the shit outta Badger, which is mostly just Telltale showing you consequences, but I get it. He sees a lot of potential in Javi, more than Javi himself sees. And unlike certain characters, Jesus doesn’t completely hate you for doing something he doesn’t agree with to a frustrating degree.

If the game gave us the option to pursue Jesus as a love interest, he and Javier would’ve been such a badass couple with a sweet romance.

2. Eleanor

This one might come as a surprise to those of you who know my feelings about Eleanor... as in, I don’t like her. I never forgave her for the shit she pulled in ep4/ep5, and now every time I replay ANF and she shows up? Well, all I really hear is the hissing of a snake.

But, putting those feelings aside and looking at her from a different perspective, I do believe that she would’ve made for a better love interest than Kate assuming that if you romanced her, she wouldn’t rat everyone out to Joan, y’know?

Hell, most people believed that Eleanor was going to be the second option with Kate back when the episodes were coming out, and for good reason. The chemistry is there in the flirting, and their relationship could’ve been super cute.

Of course, Eleanor being a love interest also comes with things becoming awkward with Tripp, but c’mon-- as awkward as pursuing a relationship with your sister-in-law and never telling your brother after finding out he’s alive? Nah, I don’t think so.

Plus, for the first three episodes, Eleanor’s not a bad character. In fact, she’s pretty damn likable, she deeply cares for the group and wants to use her medical skills for good.

And you can tell through the dialogue that she and Javi are fond of one another... well, I guess until they shove the Kate thing in our faces and suddenly Eleanor’s like “oh, I thought you two were a thing??” like... Eleanor, we were flirting and I totally rejected all of Kate’s advances last episode I mean??

If she were a love interest, instead of turning on us, she would... y’know, not do that and instead help us out. We have a couple cute moments like back in ep1 where she’s patching Javi up but this time with a smooch? Super cute.

1. Tripp

Okay but seriously, why wasn’t Tripp a love interest? 

He’s the perfect option. I just-- uuuughhhhh. 

They already have a great believable bromance, so why not take it a step further and make it an official romance? Oh wait, that’s right, ya gotta kill off 95% of your determinant characters, I forgot. Sorry Tripp. 

Well, fuck that. Out of all the other adult characters, Javi has the most chemistry with this man. I believe them more than I believe him and Kate. Sure, they got off to a rocky start the progression of their relationship felt natural with every episode. 

That scene where Tripp is confiding in Javi about his feelings for Eleanor? And in turn, Javi can confide in him about Kate? One of my favorite scenes. I only wish there was an option to tell Tripp he can do much better and set the path for the romance. 

Seriously, I’d probably feel more okay about the romance with Kate if Tripp were the second option. That way, Kate wouldn’t be so forced onto the player, the writers confirming Javi’s bisexuality on Twitter or whatever wouldn’t feel like they were trying to earn points without actually showing representation, and we would’ve gotten the beauty that is Javier and Tripp. 

Also, then Tripp could make it to the end without dying that dumb death of his that no one likes. 

And if I haven’t convinced you yet, then look at these swaps Pi did--

--and tell me they aren’t fucking perfect?? You can’t, because look at them. 

Where’s my Tripp route, Telltale??

---

Honorable Mentions

-If I wasn’t sticking to just ANF characters, Luke probably would’ve made the list because that’s apparently a popular combo and I dig it.  -Pudding... because Javi fucking loves pudding.  -Honestly Max probably would’ve been a better love interest than Kate oof--

---

So, whattya think? Do you agree with this top 5 or nah? Do you have a favorite Javi ship? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you. :D

Next week’s T5F Top 5 Times Lee was the Absolute Best

[sircarolyn]

newcastle thoughts:

here’s what i’ve been waiting for!! i know everyone hates this episode but you are all wrong. and i’m here to tell you why. i even got up to get my laptop for this so rip to you guys i’m not to blame if this gets long

‘there shall be buns for tea’ this cold open is so so funny

‘do you do much holding back?’ can’t you just see how wide and Afraid douglas’ eyes go

there are two bits where tgh sounds weird as martin and the opening credits is one, and here’s the other ‘there’s nothing wring with trying to advance one’s career’ - otherwise he’s perfect 

‘chief mcpilot’ douglass dhushjs

HERCCCCCCCC i literally love this guyyyyy i’m so excited that he’s here 

and immediately the herc and douglas rivalry is incredible, the way they tease each other, there’s just something bitter there 

‘and this is carolyn’

herc and his name bless him

‘i am the owner and ceo’ get fucked herc oh my godddddd love how her first act is to take him down and he just goes hm. in love now. and honestly? same 

goddd martin shut the fuck up with linda you’re so damn painful - i guess this is why people don’t like this ep but i contest that this is the only episode where martin’s awkwardness is funny because i love linda and i don’t care about hester 

yet again i must think about trans!martin 

‘i wouldn’t say relaxed... he’s talking to mum’ ahsjshjass

i think it’s less unbearable than others because douglas isn’t so explicitly against martin as he has been before

‘now you’re changing the terms of the argument’ hh h hh h hhhh h he’s just trying to be supportive but he’s doing so bad and clearly he’s not used to being challenged whatsoever it’s so funny to imagine that she’s just met him and she’s been telling him off now for over ten minutes 

arthur trying to get rid of carolyn <3 bless him

martin be quiet honestly everyone knows you love planes more than anything 

arthur’s little ‘okay’ when martin says he wasn’t there to speak to him </3

‘arthur! i am busy!’ busy arguing! omg ‘he’s not a real passenger’ literally she’s being so rude to him it’s so funny 

herc’s just like ???? fire? he just seems so confused being faced with mjn air and i think that’s probably the right reaction

‘look at my arm! look at my hat!’ poor martin

‘the ghost of some of arthur’s cruelly burnt toast’ what an image. what a line

‘gaffa tape and hope’ <3

and here it is, martin’s pathological need to be right and to fight when challenged, ruining the day again. and obviously eddie is hilarious

arthur and loving takeoff delays <3 and how done carolyn sounds <3

martin is trying so hard to be normal and you can just see linda speaking to him with a raised eyebrow, like martin ois being towards linda the way carolyn thinks herc is being to her 

‘lesbians are great!’  

oh the world’s most complex monopoly game - and my favourite line of all here: ‘i kept having to times things by four! that’s not fun, that’s maths!!’ i used to say that a lot when i still did maths 

‘shining like a beacon’ i love all the minor characters in this one so much

martin thinking he’s got the upper hand and then yet again screws it up

‘for a cheese’ i adore how sagely arthur thinks about the question, and then herc sounds so impressed and fond <3

and a dear heart <3

‘is there something amusing you captain hercules’ f u c k oh my godddddddd hhh h hh h h she’s just riling him up on purpose oh my god

and of course the singing, this scene gets me so hard every time i love every single one of them so much it’s all just so funny 

and i like that herc saves the day here instead of douglas because we already trust and adore him

‘i can ask arthur to get you some popcorn’ 

don’t worry martin, that line’ll work eventually

ouch herc putting douglas down </3 i’d kill to know what backstory finnemore has for them because they clearly have some sort of history 

‘what i like... is walking the dog’ oh my god! oh my god!!!! he’s just so hearteyes already and then he asks her out and he sounds so sad when she says no and then she realises she does want to entertain the idea of a date! she asks him out!!! ahhhh!!!!!!! 

‘redefining the terms of the argument’  hh h h h hh hhh hhh hh h hh h h hh h h h hh h h hh h h hh h 

and he just loves and respects arthur i’m actually on the verge of tears i can’t cope with this herc i love you and i love how much he loves arthur and just ahhhh

[singofsolace]

Miranda Otto’s Filmography as seen through a specific lens

otherwise known as: I watched some of these things so you don’t have to. But more specifically, I want to share basic information about which of her films and tv series require trigger warnings. Honestly, I’ve never recovered from some of them (thinking about In Her Skin... but also Homeland... because what the actual fuck, Saul?)

This isn’t a complete list. It’s only 21 of over 60 credits Miranda has to her name, but I think these are probably some of her most famous roles. Please let me know what you think of these brief descriptions, and whether anything should be added or removed.

It should go without saying that there are spoilers below. Read at your own risk.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina:  Zelda Spellman

A powerful role, but be aware Zelda is abused, raped (implied), and violently murdered (twice)

Downhill: Charlotte

I love this woman with all my heart, okay? Miranda Otto is supposed to be playing the most heterosexual woman ever, and instead manages to make every single scene gay as fuck.

The Silence: Kelly Andrews

Gets her leg mutilated (also it’s implied that she and Kiernan’s character would be made sex slaves by this random cult that shows up... which is super tasteful and not at all disgusting)

Annabelle: Creation: Esther Mullins

Face mutilated, eventually murdered (I think? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this one)

24: Legacy: Rebecca Ingram

Powerful woman kidnapped, tortured, and violently murdered

Homeland: Allison Carr

Powerful woman violently attacked by her former lover in full view of her coworkers. Riddled with bullets while she is curled in a trunk.

The Daughter: Charlotte

I’ve made a whole post about how I think Charlotte was raped by her employer, and that it therefore shouldn’t be framed as a sexy affair… but here we are.

I, Frankenstein: Leonore

Powerful woman kidnapped and used as a bargaining chip. I’ve also made a post about this one, and how Miranda Otto claims this part could have been played by a man, but the blatant sexism around the kidnap and ransom—making a woman who is the leader of warriors powerless to fight back against her attackers, and having her rescued in a way that frames her as a damsel in distress (complete with bridal carry)—makes me believe that Miss Otto doesn’t notice just how much sexism was written into the role.

Reaching for the Moon: Elizabeth Bishop

While as a whole, this movie is beautiful and wonderful and one of my all-time favorites, we need to still acknowledge that Lota and Elizabeth were in an incredibly toxic relationship—which I actually think is great representation, because abuse doesn’t just happen between a husband and a wife, or a boyfriend and a girlfriend, it can happen to anyone with any partner.

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries: Lydia Andrews

I unapologetically adore Miranda in this one. She is so convincing as the grieving widow that the plot twist caught me completely by surprise. This is perhaps the only role that I’ve seen Miranda play where a bad woman was brought to justice, but in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with her gender. Justice was neutral and exacted without prejudice, in this case.

In Her Skin: Mrs. Barber

This is one of the most upsetting and disturbing films I’ve ever seen. Miranda Otto is brilliant in it, but playing the role of a mother whose daughter went missing (and then was brutally murdered) definitely took its toll. I will never understand why the movie released an interview during which Miranda was clearly distraught. She breaks down into tears multiple times just trying to talk about this movie (which was a real-life murder case).

Cashmere Mafia (TV Series): Juliet Draper

Okay, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Juliet Draper. I would cherish her and dote on her for the rest of her life if she were my wife. But in the actual show, her husband is a serial cheater. When her friends find out about it, they don’t judge her broken marriage, but they do give her the courage she needs to leave him. They tell her she deserves more—and she does!! But in the final episode there is a pretty disturbing plot about a multi-millionaire who wants to buy not only her Hotel company but also her… which is exactly as bad as it sounds.

War of the Worlds: Mary Ann

Miranda Otto is heavily pregnant and glowing in a grand total of five minutes of this movie, but oh, what wonderful five minutes!!

The Lord of the Rings: Eowyn

This is the role for which Miranda is most famous. I have nothing bad to say about Eowyn, except that she ought to have been given more screen time, and that there shouldn’t have been that creepy plot about the King’s advisor or whoever wanting to have sex with her. It was incredibly unnecessary and frames Eowyn as a potential victim in the beginning, which was completely unnecessary in terms of character/plot development. 

Danny Deckchair: Glenda Lake

Glenda Lake is a precious cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure. Please for the love of Otto watch this film for baby Miranda in a sweet romantic comedy.

Julie Walking Home: Julie Makowsky

I don’t understand this film at all. It has one of the most absurd plots I’ve ever seen. Miranda’s husband/partner cheats on her and gets caught, and then he gets violent (in front of her children and multiple adult witnesses!!), and then their son gets cancer, and then she goes to Poland, and then a Healer tries to cure her son, and it works for a while, and eventually Julie (Miranda) has sex with the Healer, in order to teach him how to have sex? and then she gets pregnant by this man, and then her son’s cancer comes back, and then the Healer runs for the hills, and then her former partner takes her back so that they can all be a family again....?!?!?!?!

Human Nature: Gabrielle

This film made Miranda popular with a lot of creepy old men (okay maybe just Bruno Barreto based on this interview… (seriously I am so uncomfortable with the way he’s like… oh yes, I knew her from that film... and then later *places his hand on her bare knee/thigh* Lowell doesn’t give a shit about (Elizabeth/Miranda) being awkward! 

(the implication being that Lowell is only interested in getting Elizabeth into his bed...)

anyway… she plays a sexy French scientist, who isn’t actually French. There’s lots of lingerie, dancing, and kissing.

The Jack Bull (TV Movie) Cora Redding

Miranda Otto dies an incredibly violent death in period costume for no apparent reason besides generating male pain.

Dead Letter Office: Alice Walsh

Young!Miranda is so cute in this, but there’s a sort of ambiguously creepy older man-younger woman relationship… because Alice (Miranda) is looking for a father figure… and anyway I don’t remember this film well enough to comment more specifically, but I remember it being lovely except for the age difference between Alice and the guy in charge of the missing letters.

Doing Time for Patsy Cline: Patsy

I watched this purely for Miranda, and I do think it’s good, but only her part in it. Miranda plays the “busty bimbo with a heart” incredibly well. I remember being scared for her character, because her husband was a mean drunk/drug addict, but I don’t think any actual violence gets portrayed… but someone who has watched this more recently can correct me if I’m wrong.

Sex is a Four Letter Word

I only made it through half of this film before I turned it off. I wouldn’t watch it unless you’ve ingested/inhaled some substances and don’t mind people monologuing about their terrible sex experiences. 

...

Let me know if you’d like to know more about any of these films!

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: Demon Slayer, Episodes 8-10

In which the devil really is in the details, Ufotable does what they do best, and the big bad poses a big question.

Demon in the Details

I think it’s pretty clear at this point that Demon Slayer’s biggest stumbling block for me is the tonal whiplash that comes from its incongruent aesthetic mishmash. I could level a couple minor gripes at the story itself- I wish we were getting more insight into Nezuko’s emotional state and the pain/trauma she might be dealing with alongside her brother- but honestly, from a storytelling perspective, everything’s pretty damn solid. No emotions or ideas come out of left field, you always get why the unfolding events matter to the participants, and there’s always a general sense of where the plot is going next. It’s only in the details- the many, many, many details- of the presentation where we get on shakier footing. And what’s odd about the whole affair is that on their own, all this show’s aesthetic elements are all impressive. The stylized pop-art designs of the characters and their special attacks are instantly striking and evocative. Ufotable’s standard-issue photorealistic digital backgrounds are as immaculately crafted as you’ve come to expect from them. But side by side, these two stylistic choices never manage to gel as well as they need to, and that disconnect makes it really hard to latch onto the moment-to-moment tonal flow. It’s like someone super-imposed Soul Eater onto Fate/Zero without trying to mesh them into a more cohesive whole, leaving you slipping between these two separate headspaces without ever comfortably settling into either.

And look, sometimes the show’s able to get a good gag off in spite of itself. I greatly enjoy whenever it decides to lean into the pushy, aggressive side of Tanjirou’s altruism (”TWO BOWLS OF UDON PLEASE!”); the dude’s as uncompromising in his desire to be nice to people as Eren is to slaughter every titan in his path. But for every one of those, there are four or five moments where a gag is punctuated with speed lines that linger awkwardly for two seconds too long and let all the air out of the moment. Or Nezuko remains in goofy chibi mode with black-dot eyes as she lazily kicks the air in the background while the conversation in focus remains dead serious. Or the exaggerated faces feel jammed in place instead of woven in naturally. When I think back to the big, flashy action romps that have stuck with me ever since I watched them- Blue Exorcist, Beyond the Boundary, Soul Eater- it was always the attention to detail that made all the difference. It was in how effortlessly they let you sink into their world, not letting a single misplaced edit or awkward aesthetic choice distract you from the beating heart at its core. Demon Slayer, in contrast, is full of distractions around pretty much every corner. And as good as some of its ideas are, this awkwardness doesn’t give them the space they need to grow and develop with the care they deserve.

Lethal League

That said, if there’s one place where this show is still mostly able to pull through and deliver the goods, it’s in the fight scenes. Ufotable still knows their way around a damn good action scene, and whenever it kicks up the style and panache with all the unlimited budget works money can by, you can tell it’s playing to its strengths at last. The body horror on the demons themselves is still nasty and visceral and cathartic in exactly the way it needs to be; the animation on that one guy regrowing his head was grody as fuck, and I’ll always appreciate a good shower of blood and limbs. I love how it takes full advantage of the demons’ inhuman nature to really amp up how much wreckage their tussles can result in; Nezuko’s kickball contest with the six-armed dodgeball player from hell was giddily entertaining. I’m reminded of a video game by the name of Lethal League; it’s like Smash, except you knock out other players by hitting a baseball into their face, and the ball speeds up the more it’s hit. It’s utterly buttfucking insane, and that brief moment really captured the chaotic glee that comes from such ridiculous extremes. Meanwhile, Tanjirou keeps racking up well-earned moments of badass, pulling off a gobsmacking succession of blows to keep from getting his face smashed into the pavement as he’s blasted across the arena by telekinetic pop-art effects. And speaking of which, whenever the show really takes advantage of those super-stylized attacks and lets the camera swoop around as it follows the trajectory of these motions graphics, hot damn does it kick ass. There’s such a great sense of momentum and positioning in how these clearly flat, artificial elements are placed within a fully textured 3D space; not once does it feel incongruent. If the rest of the show’s style was as carefully sewn together as that, I would be complaining about far less.

Thriller Night

But put all that aside for a second, because there’s more to this show than the visual presentation; there’s still a story underneath all that pizzazz. And good fucking lord, did Muzan’s introductory chapter make an impression. Demon Slayer’s been posing a question on the possibility of harmony between demons and humans for a long time now, and Muzan has established himself as the darkest possible extrapolation of that possibility. For all intents and purposes, he’s part of human society; he’s got a wife, he’s got a kid, he wears high society clothes and does high society things. And most chillingly, he’s clearly trying very hard not to give into his impulses. So many arch-villains wouldn’t hesitate to slice open some random drunk who dishonors them by bumping into them, but Muzan tries to keep his cool and keep from losing control. He wants to keep this disguise up so goddamn much; for whatever reason, he truly values the life he has among the species he perceives as lesser. But even he has a breaking point, and Christ, when his self-control finally runs out and he brutally slaughters that entire entourage, sending them off with a hissed promise that he is the closest thing to a perfect being that exists... yeah, I got chills. Muzan’s a terrifying avatar of destruction who hasn’t wiped the cast off the face of the map solely because he doesn’t want to lose the stability he’s found living among humanity. But will there come a time when some goal becomes more worthwhile to him than keeping this charade up any further? And if it does... will anyone be able to stop him?

That’s a question with no easy answer, and it’s one that Tanjirou’s gonna have to really contend with going forward. As much as he tries to see the humanity in the demons he slays, to find the people they used to be in the monsters they’ve become (”She’s like a little kid, even though she killed countless people”), the rage his family’s slaughterer fills him with puts that conviction to the test like nothing else. In a way, he’s like Muzan’s mirror image; both of them are trying their absolute hardest not to give in to the anger at their core, for the sake of preventing humans and demons from tearing each other apart. But whereas Muzan does it to selfishly keep his own lot in life stable, Tanjirou does it to try and put the needs of others over himself. Muzan keeps the peace because it’s convenient for him; he’ll implant his cells in the entirety of demonkind and act as a sentient kill-switch threat for the entire species of that’s what it takes to maintain a stable order. He keeps everyone else isolated and wild and alone, dooming his bretheren to lack community just so no other demon has a chance to usurp his power. But Tanjirou? He’s willing to let that monster live another day if it means just saving one more person from sharing the fate he’s cursed his kind with. Where Muzan tears apart, Tanjirou sews back together, and judging by his encounter with Tamayo and Yushiro, there may be ways for demons to coexist with humans that don’t involve the mad machinations of a paranoid mind. If demons can live among society peacefully, there’s hope for Tanjirou’s mission yet. Let’s just hope he doesn’t lose himself in the rage of vengeance en route to making that dream a reality.

Odds and Ends

-Yooo, nice going with the quick subdue, Tanjirou!

-Okay, those flower patterns are goddamn beautiful.

-”I don’t even care about the money, why didn’t you eat my udon?” askjdhaskjsd didn’t I just say

-We platform nine and three quarters now, bois.

-”Next time you hit that boy, I’ll make you regret it.” I like her.

-”Let’s never speak of this again.” Yes, please.

-”Let’s use them as a decoy and escape!” *horrified face* “I WAS KIDDING!” pfft

-”And I hate to say it, but those eyeballs on his hands are creepy!” Hey, I don’t hate to say it, those eyeballs on his hands are creepy.

-Nezuko hasn’t skipped leg day, and I am here for it.

-”She sees you as human.” D’aaaawwww.

-”Please marry me! I could die any day!” *flashbacks to Miroku* no thanks

And on we merrily go. See you next time!

[crapyouknowme]

Noir

Drabble: srodulv is now following you. Or the story where Lucas realizes whose IG page he had just come across.

Notes: I mean, come on! Lucas posts on IG stories like he doesn’t know what it means to be away from neither his phone nor the app, so of course we needed this scene. 

Lucas stares at the screen, eyes dully focused on nothing in particular. In one scene, a thin paper is strung on the wall, his curiosity piquing as he notices the casting of an easel, far-off in the distance, not whatsoever relevant to what was being shown.

It’s a re-run episode of the Bureau and from what he remembers, this was the scene where Malotru, the dude with the penchant for watching paint dry, somewhat trying, failing miserably, to convince his lieutenant on a co-op he wants to join in on.

It’s just a set-piece yet it does nothing but unnerve him. Because somehow, despite the canvas being shoved behind a dresser, he’s able to take notice of it, as if the white was not a splotch but consumed the entirety of the screen.

He doesn’t dwell on it for long because his phone buzzes, which happens to be plugged into the charger that is plugged into an outlet, which is on the opposite side of where he has found himself tucked under. Lucas kicks his feet in an attempt to extend one of his leg to thumb the corner of his cell.

He knows it’s counterproductive because there was no way in hell he could even get the sole of his foot to kick it towards him, rather far, way farther away.

When it ends up dropping onto the floor, a resounding thump drowning the not-so-silent room, he pushes off of the sofa and goes to retrieve it.

Lucas’ bends stealthily, only to tilt his head. Mika grits bitterly under his breath as he appears from the bathroom, makes his way past Lucas before halting.

“Lucas, tell me. Do I look like what Vincent Cassel would if he was thirty-two years younger and drank less?”

He fists his phone into his palm, blinks as he processes what exactly he was being asked and more particularly on what to expect from how he answered.

“Not in this lifetime.” He settles for, as he pulls the blanket over his head in an attempt to avoid whatever point Mika thinks he was going to make.

It’s a little after ten. The couch has become a tenth less uncomfortable since the last time he had inhabited it. He’s had a sandwich, wheat bread, ham and butter-the only three things needed to make anything delicious, really.

He’s pried the window open, let’s the cool, heavy air settle, the kind that holds the promise of a rainstorm.

Lucas manages to avoid Mika’s thigh shoving unwittingly into his hip, scooches back hastily as Mika presses, instead, up against his shoulder, tugging his cover down. “Lucas, this is a case of mistaken identity.”

“M-what?” He flips through the channels, pressing on the button until there’s not an inkling of white to be seen. He’s gone through at least twenty before he switches the T.V off, in vain.

Lucas has a feeling, though, that white would be a color he’d grow to dislike.

Just because.

“Maybe he just has the dexterity of a toad.”

From what he’s gathered, there’s a guy. A guy who DMs Mika after following him on snapchat, asks him whether he looks like someone, behaves surprised when told no and does just enough to have Mika going on a spirited tirade on the merits of making social media accounts private.

Mika gets to his feet, a wayward look appearing on his face. He jabs a pointed finger at Lucas, mutters with indignation: “Do you plan on having the borough to the hamlet following you on Instagram?”

Lucas chortles at what’s being insinuated.

“What’s wrong with that?” He’s aware of the fact that some-how he’s accumulated a significant audience in the past couple of months, but what can he say. It’s endearing. They’re following him for a reason, a reason unbeknownst to him, but present nevertheless. “It’s the eyes.” He jokes, because Mika’s irked and pupils are supposedly Mika’s characteristic trait. He knows he’s pressing a nerve when he’s met with a glare.

Lucas raises his hands over his chest, apologetic. “I’m kidding.” He grins, kicking his feet on top of the table.

Mika resumes to snapping bitterly under his breath, brisk as he makes his way back to his room. A room, with four walls, and a door. A door that could be closed and opened whenever he wants it to be.

He misses having a room. He misses having the choice to sprawl his clothes on the floor, kicking his shoes into a corner and fixating on books that seem haphazard but, in his mind, they were placed in schematic.

Lucas rubs at his temple as he slips his hand back under the duvet. He curls inward. There’s warmth that emanates from his fetal position. It’s comforting and reminiscent of a bed he’s no longer sleeping on.

He lowers his gaze when a green bar appears on his screen.

Arthur: I think if we’re getting free food, I’m in.

Lucas swipes his thumb. He opens their group chat, reads with promptness, to get a gist of the messages he’s somehow missed and have accumulated to the point that there’s a plan in unison for them all to meet at the foyer, tomorrow, and work on that fucking mural.

Lucas: Yeah, no.

Basille: Daphne’s going to really have a good impression of me. Okay, fresco, 8 hands, an hour, free lunch.

Yann: What part of I’m paying for my own meal did you interpret as free-of-charge?

Basille: Yeah, complimentary food. Can’t get any better.

Arthur: I have no ideas. So, I wanted to make that clear. None, whatsoever.

Basille: I’ll be on her good side, right? Every time she looks at that wall, she’ll know that I had a part in it.

Basille: Luc, we’ll be walking together from 4th anyway so it’s okay. I’ll carry you there. You won’t have to use much of your stamina.

Lucas is aware of what they are doing. He’s thankful that there were them, who are trying to soften the blow of a moment that has him feeling wretched, shameful, angry—all at once. He appreciates their endeavors, albeit ridiculous, more than anyone.

A bar appears from the top of the screen, interrupting his thoughts.

srodulv is now following you.

It’s instinct, or an inherent roundabout way of Lucas, having been somewhat preoccupied, in extant, by the conversation he just had with Mika, to click on the notification. He’s re-routed to the app, an unfamiliar profile pops up.

He doesn’t scroll much, doesn’t have to, because he finds himself, breath abated, fingers halting, frozen in their spot, vision bleary—staring at a familiar sketchpad, at the caricature he’s seen a countless number of times, notices the date—it’s stamped 26.02.19.

Shit.

Lucas takes a deep, shaky breath. He lowers his gaze, curls his toes into the carpet, wants—no, needs to feel the ground because it ceases to exist as his head starts to spin. Lucas grits down on his jaw as he forces himself to be levelheaded.

He’s deliberate, conscious, alert and painstakingly awake, as he goes from one picture, to the next, to the next. There’s a glimpse of the racoon’s ears behind a brick wall. There’s Mike Walters and a scene from My Own Private Idaho. There are pelts of fucking raindrops, right after. There’s an idyllic excerpt from a book.

All of it seems too intentional, distinct, clear-cut.

Lucas stomachs his way through an obfuscated racoon, a video of that face of his, a clandestine painting (mostly rattled by how permeated the canvas was by something so noir), a wonky sketch of a keyboard—he doesn’t have to look at the date to know when it’s posted. It sears into his mind, that all of this, every. Single. Fucking. Post. Is. too. Deliberate. To. Be. a Goddamn. Coincidence.

It’s when he notices the cat. The cat and the racoon, affectionate, huddled, together—does he glance at the time-stamp: 03.01.19.

Weeks, it’s weeks before they’ve met.

He knows what he’s insinuating, what he’s convincing himself of.

Blithely, Lucas exits out. He grips at his phone, a little too tightly, the flesh of his palm becoming a ghostly white. He lets out a harsh, rugged, rough exhale, blinking in despondence to clear his mind of that fuckingcat.

He knows who that cat is. He also knows that it’s way before—

Lucas clamps down on his jaw, biting his tongue until a cascade of blood pools out from his gum.

What the actual fuck is this.

Lucas can’t help the way he goes tense. It’s not that he’s envious or angry or anything like that. He doesn’t, precisely, feel shitty. He just...

Okay, no, he feels kind of shitty. And weird. The whole situation is both shitty and weird, and Lucas doesn’t know how to make himself feel better about any of it. He hasn’t seen Eliott since that morning, although he’s mostly grateful for that, because it’s a glimpse. It’s all he needs, even though it’s all he’s getting.

But this-

This is all too telling without disclosing jack shit.

Lucas huffs, fingers arranged in a cursory manner over his screen as he types out: Drag me out of class. I’ll be a willing participant. He shoves the phone under the sofa, slams his face into the pillow as he nestles his neck in a position that isn’t too awkward.

Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, he decides on taking a nap. Sleep, he had foregone. But a nap, yeah that would help him become somewhat sane. Maybe even eliminate the moping, the fairly unreasonable amount of moping, he’s been displaying.

He jabs his forehead into the padding of the cushion, whispering to himself the lyrics to smells like teen spirit—over and over again—With the lights out, it’s less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us—just to erase the clout of susceptibility, the wistful hope rising from the solitude corners of his psyche—I feel stupid and contagious.Because there was no way in hell he was going to be stirred by this. Here we are now, entertain us. Screw, cats. Screw, Racoons. I’m worse at what I do best, and for this gift I feel blessed. Fuck that fresco. Fuck that white easel. Go to hell, Vincent Cassel.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z 036

It’s the Namek Saga!   I have mixed feelings about this arc, and I’ll try to explain them.  

So I got into DBZ when it first aired on Toonami in the fall of 1998.  I don’t recall exactly how it was aired, but I’m pretty sure they showed four or five episodes a week, every week, until they got to the Goku/Recoome fight, and then they would start over.   Somewhere along the way they aired Movies 1, 2, and 3.  

Now I was just a casual viewer in those days, so I wasn’t going out of my way to watch them in order.   I didn’t exactly like the show much; I just watched it because it was on, and I was sort of curious about what would happen.     The Saiyans arc impressed me because it did a good job buildng suspense.   But you could skip a few episodes and not really miss much.   There were plenty of recaps, and not that much happened in any single episode.

The Namek Saga had some trouble following this formula, though.    Once the heroes got to Namek, it was hard to really measure any sort of progress being made.   The overriding strategy was to stay in one piece until Goku arrived to even the odds, except the supporting cast was pretty threadbare by this point.   They couldn’t exactly kill anyone off in the Namek Saga, because they had killed so many guys off in the Saiyans arc, and if you took out any more there wouldn’t be anyone left to tell the story with.   So it felt to me like much of the arc was just the gang marking time until Goku showed up.  

And this wouldn’t have been so bad, except that whenever Goku finally did show up, he’d punch Recoome’s lights out and that would be it.   Toonami would run out of episodes and start over with Episode 1.   I remember at least once when I was kind of following more closely to see if they’d finally put some new eps in the rotation, and then... no such luck.   Goku shows up, whoops the Ginyu Force, Bill Murray wakes up in the hotel room to “I Got You, Babe.”

I feel like this has colored my opinion of the arc.   I was trying to remember exactly what I didn’t like about it, and my criticisms aren’t really all that valid.   “It’s too long,” but it isn’t.   It’s 32 episodes long, and that’s three episodes shorter than the Saiyans Saga.   “There’s no big fights,” but there are.   Vegeta vs. Zarbon is pretty cool, and Recoome smacking Team Three Star around is  fun.   “It’s unsatisfying,” but not really.   Frieza gets extremely pissed as the arc wears on, and Goku shutting down the Ginyus and Vegeta at the same time is awesome.  

For a time, I struggled with the rewatchability of DBZ.  It was hard to get invested in older episodes, because for a while it felt like the battles were pointless back when no one knew how to turn Super Saiyan.   Eventually I got over this and learned to appreciate the show beyond the novelty of a first-time viewer, and I think that’s helped me respect the Namek stuff more.   In particular, when I read the manga version, I found it much brisker than the anime.   Maybe it sounds weird to say this, but for me, knowing which parts are filler helps me appreciate the filler more.  

So I’m looking forward to analyzing this arc in greater depth, and forming a more nuanced opinion of it.    It’ll probably never be one of my favorites, but I bet I’ll come away with a greater appreciation of it. 

First off, we gotta wrap up the loose ends of the Saiyans arc.   Krillin just let Vegeta leave the planet, because Goku asked really nicely.   Yajirobe doesn’t understand that, so he calls Krillin an idiot.   Why didn’t Yajirobe finish Vegeta off?   He took him down with his sword, and then he stood there like a jerk and gloated instead of cutting off his head.

Krillin picks up naked baby Gohan and brings him over to half-naked ER patient Goku, but then an airship arrives, and out pops Chi-Chi.

She leaps over Goku’s body and grabs Gohan out of Krillin’s arms.

Fans give Chi-Chi a lot of crap for her behavior in this episode, and I’ll bet you a dollar that none of them have children of their own.    Gohan’s five years old in this episode, and Chi-Chi hasn’t seen him since he was four.   One day he just left and didn’t come back.    Now she’s finally close enough to touch him and he’s all beat up and unconscious.    What would you do?

You know what?   Goku did have it hard, but he’s a grown-ass man.   He’s not entitled to Chi-Chi’s attention right now, but Gohan is.   I think Goku knows that better than anyone in this episode, which is why you never see him complain about being ignored.

Bulma’s pretty upset about all of their dead friends, particularly Yamcha, because she used to be sweet on him, and particularly Kami and Piccolo, whose deaths mean that they can’t use the Dragon Balls to wish Yamcha back to life.   She bawls out Yajirobe for not doing more during the fight.   She’s got a point, although Yajirobe probably did more good by holding back and picking his spots.   If Yamcha had shown the same level of caution, well...

I sort of get Yajirobe’s attitude here.    Everyone talks to him like he’s a piece of shit, and when he musters up the courage to be somewhat responsible, everyone still talks to him like he’s a piece of shit.   And then they wonder why he doesn’t help out more often.   He can’t win.

The gang loads Goku into the aircraft and then they head back to the first battlefield so they can collect the corpses of their friends.  It’s a pretty somber ride, until Krillin finally explains his theory that they might be able to wish their friends back to life after all.

This is a pretty cool moment right here.   There was a time when Master Roshi was happy to be surpassed by so many young and talented martial artists.   Now, they’ve all been killed.  Goku and Krillin were wished back, but the Dragon Balls no longer work, so that’s it.   The next time Goku and Krillin die, they’ll be gone for good, and Vegeta’s up in space somewhere planning to make that happen very soon.   But Master Roshi lives on, and he’s completely powerless to do anything about these new enemies. 

For some reason, I forgot about all these scenes of Yamcha, Tien, and Piccolo being loaded into capsule coffins.   Of course, the Ocean Dub never would have shown this part, because Saban had the script edited so that they were all blasted “into another dimension”.   Showing their dead bodies would have undermined that already flimsy concept.   Still, for some reason I remembered Krillin informing Roshi that they would find no remains for Chiaotzu, on account of him blowing himself up.  

Bulma starts reminiscing about all the good times she had with Yamcha.    That gets kind of awkward, because she spent most of their relationship being mad at him.  This one flashback of them walking together never actually appeared before.   Judging from Bulma’s Raditz-Era clothes, I’d say this would have been right before she got mad at him before they parted ways between Dragon Ball and DBZ.  

I prefer to remember Yamcha this way, standing proud on his own, rocking the Turtle Hermit dogi, got the long hair flowing down his back, giving the audience a low-key but heartfelt thumbs up.    Vaya con Dios, Yamcha.

Gohan wakes up and Chi-Chi mothers him the way only a mother can.  

He looks in the back and finds his dad, badly hurt but still smiling.    Look how happy the li’l guy is.    It was a tough year, but he made it all the way through, and now he’s got his parents back.   

Yajirobe tries to give Chi-Chi shit for ignoring her husband in favor of her son.   First of all, fuck you, Yajirobe.  Like you’ve got any business telling anyone how to act in public.   You spend most of this episode picking your nose in the background while the others talk.    Second of all, Chi-Chi knows her husband had the time of his life almost getting killed today.   Gohan’s the one who needs her right now, whether anyone will admit that or not.   

Yajirobe asks Goku if he can hit her.   Yeah, go for it, Yajirobe.    Make a move, I fucking dare you.    I take back what I said before, Yajirobe sucks.  

Anyway, Krillin lays out his big idea.    When the Saiyans first saw Piccolo, they recognized him as a Namekian, an alien from the planet Namek, and Vegeta said that the Dragon Balls must have been a product of Namekian magic.   During the battle, Vegeta abandoned the plan of using Earth’s Dragon Balls, in favor of simply going straight to Namek and finding more powerful Dragon Balls there.   Krillin thinks he must have been on to something.    If Piccolo and Kami were originally from Namek, then it stands to reason that there’s Dragon Balls there that still work.   All they have to do is go there and find them, and they can wish their dead back to life.

The problem is that no one even knows where the planet would be, but Goku contacts King Kai and asks him, and he knows all sorts of things about it.    After praising Goku and the others for their efforts, he looks up its coordinates...

... and he gives some background on the planet’s recent history.   He had believed that a natural disaster wiped out the entire population of Namek in the past...

... but he can sense fewer than 100 still living on the planet today, so the severe weather didn’t kill them all.

While they talk this all out, the gang begins to realize that the Namekian who split into Kami and Piccolo must have been a refugee, sent to Earth to escape the natural disaster on Planet Namek.    For whatever reason, no one ever came to get him after the crisis abated.   King Kai assures them that the Namekians are a gentle people, not like Piccolo at all.

On the contrary, Piccolo’s evil was probably born from the corrupting influence of Earthlings, so who’s the real Demon King, I ask you?

While they all discuss this, Bulma crunches some numbers and determines that Namek is simply too distant to reach by spacecraft.   The fastest ship Capsule Corp. has would take 4339.25 years to make the trip, and that’s just one way.  

You know, I remember Bulma being pretty snotty about this in the Ocean Dub, almost like she was glad to burst everyone’s bubble.   I can imagine an alternate universe where “4339 years and three months” would have become the big meme instead of “Over 9000.”    Ah well.

But Krillin’s got a solution in mind.   He saw Vegeta leave in his spaceship, but it was clearly a one-seater.    In the dub, he points out that there’d be no way that Nappa guy could have fit in there with him, so I just want to pass along that mental image.    Anyway, the point is that Nappa must have come to Earth in his own ship, which must still be lying around somewhere.   And Krillin stole Vegeta’s keyfob when he left, so he’s pretty sure they can use it to recover Nappa’s ship.    From there, Bulma and her dad can reverse engineer the thing and it can make the trip in a much shorter time.

And now Bulma’s sold.   I like that about her.    A minute ago, it was impossible, not because Bulma’s a pessimist, but because she can only work with the technology available to her.    Hand her an alien spaceship with a faster-than-light engine, and she completely changes her tune.   She’s so scary good with gadgets that reverse-engineering alien tech is nothing to her. 

Everyone laughs.

THEN THEY POINT.

Then they laugh again.  

Goku tried to point too, but his arm has an owie.

[five-wow]

The Melissa mystery: a look at canon facts

Sooo recently there’s been a lot of confusion about where the hell Melissa is, because she seems to have been forgotten by H50 canon, but we’ve never seen or heard anything about Danny and her breaking up. Are we supposed to assume they did that off-screen and it went unmentioned? Are they still together but so low key that it’s basically invisible? Did Melissa run off with Lynn and/or Charlie Fong and that’s why Danny never mentions her because it’s too painful and/or awkward? Do the writers even remember that Danny used to have a longterm girlfriend? Does Danny remember he has a girlfriend?

> Getting to the actual content of this post <

I can’t answer any of those questions, but what I was able to do is go back through the most recent couple of seasons and search the dialogue for any trace of Melissa. Fair warning that there are a lot of opinions peppered in here.

> Why not look at the episodes she appeared in? <

That would be better, of course, except that there are shockingly few of those for a woman that Danny has been dating for five years by now (assuming, for the moment, that they’re currently still together). That’s half a decade, people, shit, and in all that time she only physically appeared in six episodes, the most recent of which was almost two years ago (hence the understandable confusion in fandom about where she went).

Here’s an overview of episodes with Amber/Melissa in them:

4.12 O kela me keia Manawa (her first meeting with Danny; she introduces herself as Amber)

4.19 Ku I Ka Pili Koko (Amber and Danny’s first time and Amber accidentally meets Grace; Steve and Danny are trapped under a collapsed building and say “I love you” to each other for the first time)

5.16 Nanahu (s5 Valentine’s Day episode: Amber’s abusive ex-husband turns up and stabs Danny and she runs him over with her car; from this point on, she goes by Melissa, her name from before she had to go in hiding from her ex)

5.24 Luapoʻi (the episode where Danny learns Charlie is his son; he gets texts from Rachel asking him to come meet her and he tells Melissa it’s work, but when he goes to take a shower his phone keeps buzzing and Melissa discovers that he was lying to her)

6.14 Hoa 'inea (s6 Valentine’s Day episode: Melissa writes Danny a card telling him she loves him, but he doesn’t say (or write) it back even though they’ve been together for two years; they have a fight because she wants to feel like a priority in his life, which is never resolved on screen)

7.16 Ponui I Ke Aloha (s7 Valentine’s Day episode: Melissa, Danny, Lynn and Steve go on a double date organized by the women, but Danny spends most of the weekend chasing some kid around; Danny at one point super casually says “I love you” to Melissa during a game of volleybal, in a way that doesn’t look like the first time, so apparently he did start doing that at some point after 6.14)

Conclusion: Melissa’s appearances span about three seasons/years, but half of the time we get to see her, she’s making an appearance because it’s Valentine’s Day, which bugs me for reasons that aren’t what this post is about. In short, it seems to suggest she’s only useful when some romance is required and she has literally no other relevance or link to anything else in Danny’s life, which is... not healthy, unless they’ve talked about that, which the show never suggests they have. Rather the opposite, what with Melissa wanting Danny to take her seriously.

The other half of the time, Danny seems to be lying to her or avoiding her, even though we never see her do anything that would warrant this kind of behavior (and she comes straight from an abusive relationship, so please, do fucking better, Danny, because I know you have your own history and insecurities, but you’re being an unintentional asshole). But again, not strictly what this post is about.

> So we last saw her in 7.16. What about everything after that? <

That’s what I wanted to know, too! Because I didn’t have time to rewatch almost two full seasons (as of the time of posting this, the most recent episode is 9.14), I instead went for a somewhat less elegant approach: I ctrl+F searched episode scripts from this website for every episode post-7.16 for the keyword “Melissa”. There are two immediately obvious problems with this approach:

The scripts are pretty rough. They’re pretty much dialogue-only (transcripts, really, not scripts), but that’s not a problem if spoken words are the only thing I’m looking for anyway. The bigger danger is that there could be discrepancies between the transcripts and the actual dialogue, but everything I’ve seen (and I’ve used this website a lot in the past) seemed pretty accurate.

I only searched for “Melissa”, so if Danny ever mentioned her as just “my girlfriend” or anything similar, my method didn’t pick up on that.

> Gasp! So what did you find? <

[insert drumroll] 🥁 Frighteningly little!

Here’s an overview:

8.06 Mohala I Ka Wai Ka Maka O Ka Pua

This is the episode where Danny hires a stress counsellor for Steve. Melissa is mentioned (by Danny) when the counsellor asks how many times a week Steve has sex, and Steve exaggerates the number and Danny corrects him, saying he knows “because Lynn speaks with Melissa and then Melissa shares with me”, which freaks Steve out a tiny bit. The conversation moves on after Steve asks Danny to do him a favor and stop discussing intimate details of Steve’s relationship with his girlfriend.

In other words, Melissa’s name is mentioned here, but in a discussion that’s actually about Steve’s sex life (which makes it very shippy on the McDanno front in the most ridiculous of ways, but that’s a different story). It does, however, tell us that Melissa is still in touch with Lynn, Steve’s girlfriend at the time, which shows that she has at least some outside connections to Danny’s life.

And then... nothing. No, seriously, 8.06 is the only mention of Melissa (by name, at least, but it seems odd to have Danny talking about a girlfriend without naming her, so I’m going to assume it really is the last time) after her last appearance in 7.16.

Other thing to note: Melissa is not anywhere in Danny’s visions of the future in 8.11. Kono and Chin are included by way of pictures on a wall, because they’re characters whose actors left the show, but Melissa isn’t in those pictures.

> Conclusions <

Here are my main take aways:

Danny and Melissa are still together in 8.06, because he definitely talks about her like they are.

At the time of writing this (early February 2019), 9.14 is the most recent episode to air, which means that Melissa hasn’t been mentioned in the past rougly one and a third season.

Each season of H50 covers about a year, because the show seems to stick relatively well to our irl passage of time. This means that between 4.12 (Melissa’s introduction) and 8.06 (last mention of Melissa’s existence) very nearly four years would have passed. Danny and Melissa therefore have a relationship of four years before she vanishes, then we get a year of nothing, and now, in season 9, Danny is possibly flirting with Rachel and there’s no mention whatsoever of whether he’s single or not.

Which, to contrast this, does happen in 7.20, in which the news of Rachel and Stan’s divorce breaks and there is a character explicitly suggesting that Danny would want to get back together with Rachel. In that episode, Danny says he doesn’t want that and he has a girlfriend who he “like[s] very much”.

The last time Melissa is mentioned is when Danny tries to justify telling Steve and a virtual stranger that he knows intimate details about Steve’s sex life. Chew on that one for a bit.

In the last three episodes where Melissa physically appeared, things never went very smoothly for her relationship with Danny. One time he lied to her, one time they had a big fight, and the last time she had organized a romantic weekend and he spent most of it distracted by, with all due respect to Danny, very petty nonsense. Melissa says she’s okay with it all, but it wouldn’t have been super weird if at some point after 7.16, the show had somehow worked in a mention of a break-up (if they couldn’t bring Melissa’s actress back to show us that scene, which would have been ideal - they did that very nicely for Gabby, Danny’s only real canon girlfriend before Melissa).

Steve and Lynn, on the other hand, do get a formal mention of a break-up (in 9.01). They were together for two and a half to three years before splitting (their first date was in 6.07). This all makes the whole silence on the Danny and Melissa front even stranger.

Most important point, perhaps: there is no mention of Danny breaking up with Melissa. There is no mention of Melissa leaving. There is no mention of Melissa still being around, either, but that’s the state the show left things in last time we heard of her.

> A last word / Conclusions part 2 <

Clearly, Melissa got abducted by aliens.

Okay, so maybe not. She did disappear, however, and to the best of my knowledge she did so without a trace, even after I put some serious effort into finding her. She is last seen in 7.16, last mentioned in 8.06, and we don’t know if Danny and she broke up at some point after that or not.

Of course there’s a near-endless number of possible headcanons to fix this glaring plothole (she’s still around but very much in the background; there was a quiet break-up and Danny doesn’t like to talk about it ever; their relationship is and always has been a cover story for something and Danny has just given up the pretense at this point; Melissa has been working as a secret super scientist and has been travelling back and forth to Mars to find a way to achieve world peace and she’s so close that she hasn’t had time to come home in two years but Danny totally understands and supports her career; [make up literally whatever you like]), but really, at the end of the day, the people responsible for canon very seriously dropped the ball here by not even alluding at a breakup, which would have been so easy.

So was this laziness on the part of the writers? Maybe. Probably, even, because somewhere something went wrong (assuming this isn’t part of some secret bigger plan which they’ve waited literally years to reveal) and it’s kind of their job to make sure it doesn’t. I guess they might have meant for Melissa to come back at some point, but when things turned out differently (for whatever reason, such as changes in the plot or scheduling issues with the actress), they feared that it had been too long and viewers would have forgotten her, so they ignored the issue completely, which is fine, except that it’s also nuts. This show is known to make characters vanish sometimes, but I don’t think it’s been this bad for anyone with a huge personal link (and established four-year romantic relationship!) to any of our main characters.

But yeah, whatever the underlying reason, in-universe or out, this seems to be the state of things. I honestly don’t even know if I’m mad. Mostly I’m just completely baffled, I think. Despite her long involvement with Danny, Melissa is a very minor character and I never meant to spend this much time thinking about her or writing up long Tumblr posts, but dammit - she deserved better, and the way she’s been treated feels emblematic of Things H50 Does Wrong, specifically in regard to minor characters, women, and romantic relationships. That’s what gets me the most, maybe. She’s all of those problems, compounded into one, cranked up to eleven and with a bow on top.

> A shameless plug <

Should anyone need a healthy dose of catharsis after this, here’s a fic I wrote a while back where Melissa dumps Danny because he’s a better boyfriend to Steve than to her, which feels more relevant than ever after writing this: Please don’t tell me (how this story ends). It has happy ends for everyone, because that’s my jam. ✨

> The tl;dr version <

Melissa? Melissa who? (Alternately: What the fuck, dear H50 writers?)

[piracytheorist]

Welcome to another episode of “Lillpon projects and overanalyzes things because she didn’t like 7x18″

[Edit: I realized the first four paragraphs aren’t needed to pass my point through, but they give a lot of context why the specific point I talk in the rest of the post hits too close to home.]

So in the first years of elementary school I had this friend who looked down on me. Once she asked me to bring her a nail polish I’d worn, and I genuinely forgot to bring it to her every day so she would “force” me to play with her. And we were like, 9, and that was only one aspect of how she subtly acted like she was superior over me, and that I’d have to fall at her feet and do everything she’d ask in order to be her friend. She completely rejected me as a friend one year later and I haven’t spoken to her since elementary school.

Fast forward 7 years, I’m in high school and I’m the typical person to copy from in an exam, to the point of students who would otherwise make fun of me would ask to copy in an exam - and being an awkward, self-deprecating girl who had spent whole years without friends, I didn’t really object to it. It made me feel useful. Until there was one exam during a day where I was in a very bad mood, and I very emphatically refused to let someone copy from me. The very first friend I’d made in like, all those years, got angry with my behaviour (it wasn’t even her that I’d refused) and didn’t speak to me for a whole week, until I sat down and talked to her, and I cried and apologized to her.

Again, that was only one instance. She wasn’t as obviously problematic as my earlier “friend” was, but there was a time where... it’s a lot to explain but it any case it boiled down to me crying again, in public, and dragging myself on metaphorical dirt to apologize to her. And she seemed to believe I deserved doing that to myself to deserve her forgiveness. I haven’t spoken to her since school ended, and I don’t intend to.

In my childhood I felt indebted to those two girls. I felt like I had to drop my head and accept things I didn’t like in order to be their friend. But there were also other things keeping us together - school, games, same neighborhood, same interests with the first, and again school, teen girl talk etc. with the second. Things that weren’t enough to keep our friendship together, however, once school ended for good. And when those things faded out, I saw that their behaviour was very, very wrong.

And here comes the projecting, and here comes me looking at 7x18 and going like What the Actual Fuck.

Friendships can’t be based on emotional debts. They can start with or involve one, but they need more juice to develop into a healthy relationship that makes both parties happy. Friends talk about stuff. Friends support each other, they give and take. They do stuff that can hold their relationship together, emotional debt or not.

Killian and Rumpelstiltskin were literally written as pure foils. One is a chaotic, fuck-the-system rebel, the other is a lawful, powerful magician who feels weak if he doesn’t weild power over others. And those are not their fatal flaws they get over, like their self-hatred or obsessions. Those things are core characteristics they both carried for literal centuries, written in their characters specifically to emphasize their differences.

Not to mention the whole Milah thing.

So what was there, besides the debt Killian said he owed to him, that would keep their “friendship” together? Heck, what do we see of non-cursed Killian Jones acting as a friend to Rumpelstiltskin, or vice versa? Nothing.

It’s after the curse, after Killian is literally forced into a lawful, eager-to-please role that he acts friendly towards the guy who, to his knowledge, the worst thing he did was lie to him in order to protect him. Rumpelstiltskin talks about how Killian’s deep determination was why he chose Rogers as his partner, but we never find out why Rogers was happy to work with Weaver. Rogers was just someone eager to please who, as I explained in my view about 7x09, wasn’t even given any reason to trust Weaver, yet offered to help. 

There was never anything in it for Rogers. Literally the only times someone helped him were Tilly in 7x06, Roni in 7x08 when she nudged him to give Tilly a second chance, Tilly again in 7x13 when she tried to warn him against opening up to Eloise about the painting, in 7x19 when she risked everything to save his life... 

That’s it. Here’s why I hate the stretcher scene in 7x20 with the power of a thousand suns, btw. Killian/Rogers never got any emotional payback from becoming Rumpelstiltskin’s friend/Weaver’s partner. The latter specifically says that the white elephant was for Alice. Their whole relationship is based on a debt; Killian feeling grateful that Rumpelstiltskin didn’t burden Alice with eternal life (which is another can of worms, but let’s not go there right now).

There’s never anything in it for Killian, and there’s nothing in common between those two to base a true, healthy friendship upon. So... what gives?

I know that similar things can be said for CS in s5 and s6... but the thing is, Killian didn’t start with owing a debt to Emma. They saw a kindred spirit in each other and fell in love. True, some unresolved issues appeared after, but to me they don’t really matter because the base of their relationship was how similar they were but also how they complemented each other. CS could still stand whether there was an emotional debt or not. 

Golden Hook was literally based only on the emotional debt Killian felt he owed to Rumpelstiltskin, and the respect the latter had for the former was only because Killian was tied to Alice. It is a) totally ridiculous, b) unhealthy, and c) totally shitting on Killian’s character, just because the writers couldn’t spend enough time redeeming Rumpelstiltskin from the hell hole they’d been dragging him in for three years straight so they decided to strip Killian of any and all decency in other to show that Wow Rumpelstiltskin is Good Now We Are Such Proffesional Writers.

And the problem is, due to how it was presented, Rumpelstiltskin fans lost their minds - and understandably so. Only in the context of his character, it’s good, it’s rich, it’s fulfilling.

But for someone like me, who never gave a single fuck for him as a good guy, and instead cared only for Killian... it fell so, so fucking unfair.

[blogsmith57]

Movies Ansd Tv With Pina Colada Song

Movies And Tv With Pina Colada Song Rupert Holmes

Pina Colada Song Wikipedia

Escape The Pina Colada Song Video

Two Pina Coladas Song

Pina Colada Song Video

Janet learns the lyrics to the Pina Colada song. Janet learns the lyrics to the Pina Colada song. On the movie the sweetest thing who sings the pina colada song its a womens group?

In The Number Ones, I’m reviewing every single #1 single in the history of the Billboard Hot 100, starting with the chart’s beginning, in 1958, and working my way up into the present.

***

At least in retrospect, the ’70s must have been the wildest, most motley, most all-over-the-place decade in the history of popular music. Some genuine musical revolutions either started in the ’70s or matured during the decade: Hip-hop, punk, disco, funk, prog. But if you look at the ’70s through the lens of the pop charts, as this column does, you see excitement and tedium locked in a constant struggle for dominance throughout the decade, with novelty sneaking around the outside and getting some jabs in.

So really, the ’70s ended the only way they possibly could’ve done: With a badly-sung, infernally catchy soft-rock ditty, an infidelity-themed story-song that ends in an O. Henry twist. Rupert Holmes’ “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” has popped up on movie and TV-show soundtracks countless times in the past four decades; it has earned its place within our shared consciousness. And yet I can’t imagine ever being in a situation where I would actively seek the song out, where I would want to hear it. But then, I was three months old when the thing hit #1. Maybe I’m not supposed to know what motherfuckers were thinking.

Rupert Holmes, the man who wrote and produced “Escape” and who thus owns the chart transition from ’70s to ’80s, had been part of the pop-music dream factory for a decade when he got to #1. Holmes was born in the UK, the son of an American Army officer and an English woman. He spent the early years of his childhood in the English village of Northwich and the later years in the New York suburb of Nanuet. Holmes’ parents were both musicians, and Holmes went to the Manhattan School Of Music on a clarinet scholarship. Pretty soon after he finished school, he went to work as a pop-music professional.

Holmes was working as an arranger in the late ’60s when he joined the Cuff Links, an anonymous bubblegum group that also featured Ron Dante, the lead singer of the Archies’ “Sugar, Sugar.” When the Cuff Links broke up, Holmes recorded a song called “Jennifer Tomkins.” The single, released under the name Street People, peaked at #36. In 1971, Holmes wrote a cannibalism-themed joint called “Timothy” for the Pennsylvania band the Buoys, and that one peaked at #17. Holmes also wrote ad jingles and scored a little-seen 1970 Western called Five Savage Men. He was in the game.

Holmes released Widescreen, his solo debut, in 1974. Before 1979’s Partners In Crime, the breakout album that gave us “Escape,” Holmes knocked out four solo LPs. None of them sold, but those records helped Holmes build a name for himself as a writer of funny, irony-infused story-songs. Barbra Streisand was a fan, and Holmes wrote songs for her and for the absurdly popular soundtrack for the 1976 film A Star Is Born. Holmes didn’t score a charting single of his own until 1978’s “Let’s Get Crazy Tonight,” which peaked at #72. Private Stock, the label that released “Let’s Get Crazy Tonight,” went out of business when the song was still on the charts.

Holmes got the idea for “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” one night when he was flipping through The Village Voice, the newspaper that once employed me. (“Escape” is the second #1 hit built around classified ads; it arrived eight years after the Honey Cone’s “Want Ads.”) Inspired, Holmes hatched the narrative of a bored couple who, while attempting to cheat on each other, accidentally go out on a blind date with each other. As originally written, the chorus started with the line “if you like Humphrey Bogart.” While he was getting ready to record it, though, Holmes decided that his own songs had too many references to older movies, and to Bogart in particular. He changed “Humphrey Bogart” to “piña coladas” at the last possible minute simply because he didn’t want to let down any of the real Rupert Holmes heads out there.

If you stop to think about “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” for even a second, it’s a pretty nasty little song. The very first line is this: “I was tired of my lady/ We’d been together too long.” The song’s narrator is unhappy with relationship, but he doesn’t do anything to end it. Instead, he sneaks around behind his girlfriend’s back, falling for a sentence in a classified ad. The person described in that ad seems hopelessly basic. Likes: Fruity mixed drinks, rain, champagne, beach fucking. Dislikes: Yoga, health food. But apparently the guy is basic, too, since a few lines of small-print newsprint text are all he needs to ditch his relationship. He takes out his own ad, responding to the first, and he includes grandiose verbiage about planning an “escape.”

He does not successfully execute that escape. It turns out that the girl who took out that classified ad is his own girlfriend, who is just as bored with the relationship as he is. They meet up at an Irish pub and instantly figure out exactly what just happened. The song presents this ending as a happy surprise. In interviews years later, Holmes says that the guy was supposed to be an asshole, and a passive one. The girl, who is also attempting to cheat, was at least the one with the wherewithal to instigate the whole episode. Holmes was hoping that they’d both realize how much they had in common, that they’d recommit themselves to each other. This seems unlikely.

Movies And Tv With Pina Colada Song Rupert Holmes

I have questions. For instance: Where does this couple go from here? They both know that they can’t trust each other. They also know that they don’t really know each other. They’ve got all these completely elementary preferences that they haven’t communicated. After that initial rush of recognition, how does the rest of this relationship look? How long do they stay together? How are they not incredibly pissed off at one another from the moment they spy each other across the bar? How are they not, at the same time, both consumed with guilt upon getting caught? I don’t like this couple’s chances.

I don’t know if this is a good story, but it’s good storytelling. I don’t much like the characters or where they end up, but Holmes sketches out the whole narrative in a few quick words, never losing sight of his own melody. This doesn’t change the reality that the actual music behind this story is exactly the kind of wack-ass soft-rock pablum that I cannot stand. It’s got an awkward, clumpy beat that Holmes recorded with two drummers. (Holmes co-produced it, and he says that the studio band played sloppily that day, so he used the 16 bars he liked the best and looped them.) There’s watery piano. There’s a processed-to-death guitar lead. There’s a groove that can’t stop tripping over itself. And then there are those vocals.

Holmes isn’t a bad vocalist, exactly. He a classic ’70s singer-songwriter guy, a conversational speak-singer. But man, I do not like what happens when he cranks that voice up and hits the hook on “Escape.” The hook is, to be fair, instantly memorable. But this is not always a good thing. Holmes hits that upper register, and I just wish I was someplace else. I don’t even know how people functioned when this thing was all over the radio.

Holmes managed one more big hit after “Escape (The Piña Colada Song).” “Him,” the single’s follow-up, was another story-song. This time, Holmes sang from the perspective of a guy who figures out that his girlfriend is cheating. “Him” peaked at #6. (It’s a 4.) Holmes kept putting out albums into the ’90s, but none of them hit. He also went back to writing songs for other people. “You Got It All,” a ballad that Holmes wrote for the teenage Tongan-American Minneapolis-based Mormon family band the Jets, peaked at #3 in 1986. (It’s a 6.) Britney Spears, an artist who will eventually appear in this column, covered it on her debut album. Get ready to be incredibly depressed: Holmes wrote the song for his 10-year-old daughter. Before the song took off, she died of an undetected brain tumor.

I don’t know how you bounce back from something like that, but Holmes did. After “Escape (The Piña Colada Song),” Holmes has had more success as a storyteller than as a musician. In 1985, Holmes wrote The Mystery Of Edwin Drood, a Broadway musical based on an unfinished Charles Dickens novel. It won five Tonys, including two for Holmes. Since then, Holmes has written more than a dozen plays, many of them hits. He also created Remember WENN, a drama that ran for three season on AMC in the late ’90s, and he wrote all 56 of its episodes. He’s published a few books, too. The man can write, and the best thing about “Escape” is that you can tell that right away.

But Holmes is a whole lot more famous for “Escape” than for anything else he’s ever done in his life. He’s pretty funny when he talks about it, too. In a 2003 Songfacts interview, Holmes said this:

I have a feeling that if I saved an entire orphanage from a fire and carried the last child out on my shoulders, as I stood there charred and smoking, they’d say, “Aren’t you the guy who wrote ‘The Piña Colada Song?'”

Perhaps Rupert Holmes would like to escape “The Piña Colada Song.” So would I.

Pina Colada Song Wikipedia

BONUS BEATS: Here’s the scene from a 1999 episode of The Simpsons — the same storied episode that predicted the Trump presidency — where the not-aging-well future version of Bart sings a parody of “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” during his sister’s presidential addresss:

BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s the weirdly extremely memorable “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” needle-drop from the 2001 film Shrek:

BONUS BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s Kanye West, noted fan of the aforementioned Shrek scene, quoting “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” on “White Dress,” a song that he contributed to the soundtrack of the 2012 RZA-directed kung fu movie The Man With The Iron Fists:

(Kanye West will eventually appear in this column.)

BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s the scene from 2014’s Guardians Of The Galaxy — which, like The Man With The Iron Fists, stars Dave Bautista — where Chris Pratt steals his Walkman back from the space-prison guard who is enjoying “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)”:

BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS BEATS: Here’s the great scene from a 2016 Better Call Saul episode where Bob Odenkirk sings a few bars of “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” and spouts some fake biographical facts about Rupert Holmes:

more from The Number Ones

Raised in Hawaii Jack Johnson was the son of a famed surfer and even tried to have a go of his own on the waves. Unfortunately an accident that involved teeth being knocked out and stitches being required kind of halted that dream as he was sidelined from surfing for a while. It wasn’t too long after that however that his musical talents started to become his thing and picked up a guitar and started strumming out a few songs that he’d thought up. He did this throughout college, joining a band and jamming as they performed here and there during their time together. Johnson’s big break came in 2000 however when he not only produced the soundtracks for a couple of films but he tried his hand at making them as well. You could easily say this man is quite talented but it might still be an understatement.

Here are a few of his songs as used in TV and movies.

5. Glee – Bubbletoes

Glee is one of those shows you either liked or didn’t think about. It wasn’t even a matter of not liking if it you didn’t watch it, as the energy and verve of the show was enough to make it interesting. But if you weren’t into the whole song and dance routine then chances are you wouldn’t dislike it but just wouldn’t watch it since the whole idea of not liking the show seemed kind of petty since it was so upbeat a lot of the time, or at least seemed like it. In many way Glee kind of took a lot of people back to their experiences in high school since there are quite a few people that can remember being in similar clubs.

Escape The Pina Colada Song Video

4. Sense8 – The Sharing Song

This show is something else and it was one of Netflix’s top prospects when it first came out. The ability to connect with people miles away due to a special quality that links them all, and the knowledge and skills that can be shared via that link is pretty cool, but it could cause some serious problems as well. You can’t help but think that some of the people that are connected would embrace this after a period of confusion, but others would seek to block it out since this is the kind of thing that humans would rarely ever be able to get used to since it’s not considered natural or normal.

3. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty – Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Two Pina Coladas Song

Walter Mitty is a man that no one seems to take seriously since he’s kind of a nobody when the film starts, though he’s far more important than many people would care to realize. Working at Time magazine where he’s been for so long he’s been taken for granted and treated like a shadow on the wall since he’s a very quiet and unassuming person. But when an important negative for the last issue of Time goes missing he has to go and track it down by tracking down the photographer. In the end however he finds that it was with him the whole time, he just didn’t know where to look. The adventure he takes though is what was truly important as it finally got him to open up to the world.

2. Curious George – Upside Down

Several generations have grown up with Curious George since in truth he’s been around for a very long time. As a children’s story he’s one of the most classic tales out there and is the kind of story that you’d want your kid to watch since it’s a very touching and educational show that offers a lot of fun and engaging activity that kids will want to emulate. Sure George gets himself into trouble now and again, but that’s the beauty of the design. Kids can learn how they can get themselves out of trouble as well since George is all about having fun but he’s also about problem-solving. This is just a great show for kids and a bit of nostalgia for adults.

1. Jack Johnson – Middle Man

For all his talent and all his skill at music Jack Johnson is still a very diverse man since he’s not only a musician, but a father, a husband, and an environmentalist that spends a lot of his time balancing his life out between the different roles he’s given himself to play. So far in life it seems like he’s done just fine and has kept everything as it should be. He’s a very open person about his life in music, but keeps a lid on the private lives of his kids and family, which seems like one of the best ideas since quite honestly it’s no one else’s business. He’s definitely a family man and someone that cares a lot about what he does.

Pina Colada Song Video

Usually that’s the kind of person that knows just what they want and how to make it happen.

[evdothansen]

Regret – Jared Kleinman x Reader;

Pairing: Jared Kleinman x Reader;

Request: Not requested by anyone (although requests are open!), but I probably should say that this is an AU where Evan never invented all that jazz about Connor because I like those AUs no lie;

Word Count: 1766;

TW: swearing;

“No!,” you said in surprise, hands over your mouth.

“Yes!,” your best friend, Jared Kleiman, threw his hands up.

“I can’t believe this!”

“I love you, Hansen!,” Jared said, hitting Evan’s arm. He flinched at the contact, but Jared didn’t seem to notice it.

“Couldn’t you guys wait one more month?,” you asked Zoe and Evan playfully, and they both looked at you in confusion.

“What’s this all about, Y/N?,” Zoe questioned. “I mean, what difference does it make in your life if Evan and I start dating this month or next month?”

“Don’t mind her, Zoe,” Jared said cockily. Jesus, he was gonna be unbearable. He smiled at you. “Dear Y/N here’s just upset she lost yet another bet to the insanely cool Jared Kleinman.”

“You guys had a bet going on about us dating?,” Evan asked, sort of indignant.

“More like about you finally asking Zoe out,” you replied. “Which you didn’t, by the way.”

“Doesn’t matter!,” Jared said, almost gleaming. “I won! And now Y/N owes me!”

“Please tell me you didn’t put money or a date into this bet, Y/N, or you’ll be fucked,” Zoe joked, but you shook your head.

“It’s worse,” you guaranteed. “I promised –”

“She promised to watch all seven Star Wars with me!,” your friend cut in, and you facepalmed yourself. You regretted every aspect of that bet. “And, now, she has to.”

Evan made a painful face, understanding of what that meant, but Zoe smiled almost as cockily as Jared did. She smacked a kiss onto Evan's cheek and then looked at you. "See, Y/N, that's what you get for betting against us."

"Shut up, Murphy! I was the one to even convince you to talk to Evan in the first place!," you said, pointing a finger at her. Jared raised his eyebrows. 

"Does that mean you sabotaged yourself to watch Star Wars with me, Y/N?," he asked, playfully nudging you, and you rolled your eyes. 

"As if, Kleinman! Dream on."

"So you did!," he said, pointing his finger at you. "Aw, come on, Y/N! You can't deny you wanted this beau here to yourself!"

"And now you're just being delusional," you said with a chuckle. 

"Unlucky for you, Star Wars is way too good too snuggle, even if you were to the height of the Kleinman standards," he added pitifully, and you laughed. 

"Ha! Standards!," you said, wiping a single tear from laughter. "Tell me, Jared, what was the last time you made out with someone again?"

Zoe and Evan just observed as the two of you obnoxiously flirted. The girl gave him a nudge, and her eyes said something along the lines of you'll-owe-me-twenty. Evan shrugged. Jared, unaware, snapped his fingers at you and said. "Friday, 7p.m. And bring supplies. We're not leaving my basement until we finish through all seven."

You rolled your eyes, regretting it once more. "Whatever you say, Kleinman."

Although you complained all week long about it, on the actual day you were actually pretty excited. By 6p.m., you had already packed up you pajamas, a couple of sandwiches and piles of gummy bears – Jared’s favourites – and marshmallows. You had already told your parents that you’d spend the night there, watching movies, and there had been lots of insinuations ever since. You knew, however, your parents were only kidding. If it wasn’t Jared, they trusted you not to do anything that would fuck up too hard. It was Jared, however, and they knew Jared Kleinman and you pretty well. The teasing was just to see you rolling your eyes at them – they knew better than you that you and Jared were way too obnoxious about one another to even admit you had feelings.

Around 6:30, you heard a familiar honk outside. Smiling, you grabbed your stuff and yelled that you were leaving. “Have fun, sweetie!,” you mother’s voice rung, accompanied by your father’s precious addition, “Just not too much!”

Ignoring them, you stepped outside and walked all the way to Jared’s car. He had his window down and a giant smirk shining on his lips. “Wait, are you actually smiling? Y/N, God forbid, but are you excited about spending the night with me?”

You rolled your eyes again, throwing your things in the backseat before taking the passenger’s. “Give me a break, Jared,” you said, buckling up. “Of course not. It’s obvious I’m only happy because of the marshmallows I convinced mom to buy for us.”

“Your mom loves me, you know,” he commented, speeding off.

“Yep. My entire family does,” you said looking at him with a smirk. For a second, he seemed confused. “Except for, you know. The only person that you really care about in it.”

“Your dog? But he always –”

“Oh, shut up, Kleinman,” you cut him, shoving his shoulder.

Four episodes of Star Wars, five popcorn bowls and six “shit, I need to stretch”s later you and Jared both laid in a mattress on his basement’s floor. You watched as intently as you could (because, after all, the nerd was right and the franchise was most definitely awesome), but you had to admit that Episode III wasn’t that much. You didn’t understand, at first, why Jared said you’d watch first episodes four and five, then go back to one, two and three, and only then go on to six; but, now, you were glad he did. The whole plot made more sense that way.

You stretched again as the scene cut to Anakin Skywalker doing something. Jesus, you just couldn’t take Hayden Christennsen’s face anymore. Instead, you looked at Jared. He didn’t seem to be loving this episode like he love the others but that didn’t mean he didn’t know every single line of it. His eyes were on the screen, his hand thrown over the sheets really close to yours. He actually looked pretty cute focused like this, his mouth silently moving along with Obi-Wan Kenobi’s sentences. As you came to think of it, he looked overall pretty cute, with his short jet black hair, square glasses and cocky smirk.

He reached out to get more popcorn and hit your hand in the course. You thanked God it was dark, because you were a blushing mess when you realized he’d seen you staring creepily. What was on with you today? You and Jared had been friends for the longest time, why the heck would you be daydreaming about him now?

I mean, yes, he was adorable in his dorky way; and yes, you were attracted to him even though he was a douche. And yes, when the two of you entered high school you did have a crush on him, but that was past you, right? Freshman Y/N and senior Y/N were definitely different people.

But they both liked chocolate, marshmallows and campfires, a voice in the back of your head said. Why not Jared Kleinman too?

“Hey,” he called you, poking at your hand without bothering to pause the movie. “You cool?”

You looked up at him, trying to smile like you usually would. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s all fine. I just can’t look at Hayden Christennsen again, or I might puke.”

“Please don’t vomit on my mattress, Y/N,” he said jokingly, chuckling. “Let’s have a little class here, okay?”

You laughed. “We’ve been sitting in a mattress eating candies and popcorn while watching a space opera for like ten hours now and you’re talking class?”

“Hey! Star Wars’ very classy, watch your mouth!”

“Or what? The Nerd Coalition will come after me?”

“Come on, Y/N! You’re enjoying it!”

“I was, until The Empire Strikes Back,” you said, crossing your arms and turning back to the screen. “And I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but then Natalie Portman showed up and it all went to shit.”

“Well, can’t blame your for that when every sane human on the planet agree.”

“That feels like a hyperbole.”

“And now you just want to contradict me really hard.”

“It’s not that!”

“Yeah, okay,” he chuckled, and you looked back at him. “Maybe you just want me really hard.”

You forced yourself to roll your eyes, although something burned in the edge of your stomach. You tried your best to believe your words. “Ok, even the movie’s better than this.”

“Ouch. That hurts, Y/N.”

“Weren’t you the one who said I was… What’s that again?,” you faked to be thinking for a second, then snapped your fingers. “Below the Kleinman Standards?”

“Weren’t you the one who questioned such standards by implying it’s been a while since I’ve last kissed someone?,” he threw back at you, still smiling. Jared always seemed to have an answer, but you could play that game too.

“Actually, I was implying you never kissed someone, Kleinman,” you smirked back.

“Oh, fuck you, Y/N,” he chuckled, turning his eyes to Hayden Christennsen.

“I wish.”

Jared eyes widened and he looked at you. “What?”

“What?”

“Y-you just –”

You cringed as your cheeks heated up once more. Of course.  “I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

“Are you –”

“Shit, I did,” you ran your hand through your. “I blew it, I know, I’m sorry.”

“Y/N, y-you –”

You started to get up, reaching for your bag.“I-I’ll see myself – ”

Just then, you felt Jared’s hand holding your arm and pulling you back down to the mattress. You fell pretty clumsily, almost over him, and he fixed his glasses as he looked at you. You looked down at your hands, still embarrassed. When the silence between you (with Star Wars still playing on the background) became awkward, his other hand cupped your face, making you look up at him just in time to see him leaning in.

When his lips firstly touched yours, you couldn’t help but flinch and back away after a moment. You were in shock. One thing was you not being over your four year crush on Jared Kleinman. Another thing was Jared Kleinman actually kissing you. You opened your eyes and saw Jared backing away too, now looking lost and sad. Jared was about the most emotionally unavailable person you knew, so that was completely new for you. You looked down at your hands once more, and then, after an awkward moment, reached for his face and leaned in to kiss him. He was startled for a split second, and, then, put one hand in your neck and another in your waist to deepen the kiss.

Christ. You mentally took back what you’d been saying the entire week – you did not regret any aspects, at all, of that bet.

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes seven and eight: this is easily the worst episode this show has ever produced.

EVERYONE THIS SEASON SUCKS.

That’s all.

Dean cannot stop thinking with his dick and when Robb(ie) tells him that Kristina saw him canoodling and flirting with Danielle in the pool, he’s like, “WAIT, WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE HER DOWN TO THE BEACH?” Why are you making out with some girl while leading another girl on?! That’s literally not Robb(ie)’s responsibility, he’s too focused on making sure his hair is perfectly resembling a Dairy Queen ice cream cone. He acknowledges what he’s doing is wrong but the fact that his first instinct is “Oh shit, I got caught,” he’s such a piece of garbage. When he goes to Kristina to make nice, she’s ice fucking cold. She makes him tell her why she won’t speak to him1.

Dean gives an innocent version of what he was doing, but he’s like, “looking back, it was bad, but I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you were there.” That’s… not an apology, Dean. He literally does not get it. He just wants to be able to fuck her and Danielle. Kristina keeps trying to get him to acknowledge that his behavior is hurtful and harmful and he just… can’t. He just repeats what she says back to her in hopes that it’ll make it all okay. He says he’s “just being honest” as if it makes everything okay - and even in that, he’s not being 100% honest. He only came to Kristina after he found out that she had seen he and Danielle kissing and flirting the night before. He keeps asking for her patience but he doesn’t deserve it.

Kristina, you literally need to kick this guy to the curb and go make out with Ben Z. Dean is the kind of guy who expects to be comforted when he fucks up instead of holding himself accountable for his actions and comforting YOU for his fuck up. Impact > Intent. At this point he’s not going to realize what a catch you are and has done nothing but push you away over and over again because he’s a goddamn mess who likes you, but not that much.

Meanwhile, Jasmine is thirsty, and this time, it’s all about Jonathan/Tickle Monster/Buster Bluth. I can’t help but think a little of it is to fuck over Karyistin, but a lot of it is to stay on television and get drunk for free while making out with a kind of hot doctor2. Jasmine. BEN Z IS STILL THERE. Jesus Christ I can’t handle any of y’all or y’alls taste. Apparently Buster Bluth tickles while he kisses, and I’m… I need to step away for a moment.

Okay, I’m back. Sorry, I had to vomit. Meanwhile, jackstone is feeling lonely. He’s hoping to get time with Kyrstin now that Buster Bluth is otherwise occupied with literal tickle torture. But, oh wait, here comes...

Oh, it’s... Blake.

Blake, the non-banana eating guy who got into a feud with Syllabic Noise on Rachel’s season of La Bachelorette has arrived and my god, is he sweaty. He’s already sweat straight through his polo, which is white, so it’s basically translucent.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Blake: Unfrosted Mini Wheats3.

I can’t think of a bigger letdown because he’s basically there for the Josh Murray (ugh) Special: REDEMPTION. He wants people to know that he’s more than just his 15 minute argument with Syllabic Noise. He immediately takes all the guys aside (save for Daniel) and he shows interest in Danielle, of course. Raven tells him not to mention Syllabic Noise, just to sell himself, so of course the first thing he does when talking to Jasmine is mention him. God. He literally mentions it to every girl he talks to and none of the girls are interested.

Diggy gets it perfectly when he says Blake is the kind of guy you call when you need help moving or a co-signer. Kristina isn’t interested. Danielle isn’t interested. And then...

Here comes Freddy!

I’m just happy there’s more than one black guy on this show now.

I love the producers bursting Blake’s bubble like this, too. Both Blake and Freddy have date cards for a double date because again - this show has a budget of $29.99 for every date. They’re not tipping these waiters shit. All the guys are like “everyone wants to go out with Fred, no one wants to go out with Blake. LOLOLOL.” Fred takes Dominique aside first, and of course Diggy’s like “Ohhhh shit.”4 I’m glad this is Diggy & Dominique’s first appearance in two episodes and of course it’s tumultuous. Dominique tells Fred to go after what he wants, and he immediately asks her out on his date, and she agrees. It’s amazing.

Meanwhile, Blake finally flatters Crysten into a date and she says yes even though she thinks it’s going to be awkward. JACKSTONE is feeling kinds of feels about the fact that Kristen is going on this date and has gone on 100 dates since they went out.

And then we’re treated to the single best five seconds of 2017.

Jack’s walking down the beach alone, walks past Robb(ie), and punches him in the balls.

Someone give this scene a god damn Peabody and an Emmy.

Outstanding. Just good shit right there.

Meanwhile, the girls this season are solidifying themselves as the gang of goopy awful monsters they are and decide to tell JACKSTONE that Christyn said he was a bad kisser and thus they want to show him how to be a better one. This is what happens when you don’t let people have access to any other forms of entertainment. Hell, give them a deck of cards. This is how Lord of the Flies starts. All the girls finally make out with JACKSTONE and confirm that he’s a good kisser.

Blake, Kristyn, Dominique, and Fred’s date revolves around them on a high-adrenaline speedboat, three words I don’t understand in a row. Cristan loses one of her contacts and her mascara is running down her face5. And not in a pretty Beyonce in the “Why Don’t You Love Me” video kind of way, but more like:

Cristan complains a lot during the date, mostly about getting sea sick and losing her contacts. She seems miserable. I laugh becuase they have one of those giant balloon slides set up and if anyone’s seen Below Deck you know how shitty those are to set up.

Back at the villa, Chris Harrison arrives, and they’re all shooketh. Chris Harrison tells them that Fred was the last new (male) arrival and - oh shit! - the rose ceremony is tonight. Probably because they only booked the resort a certain number of days and they gotta get outta there ASAP before Robb(ie) pollutes the water any further with his hair products.

Speaking of Robb(ie), there’s a new date card!!!! He of course asks Amanda Never-Shoulders, who deserves a break from keeping shirts on her shoulders. They go to a fair and get $14 in tickets each. He’s hoping he can have something very long-term outside of Paradise, and that long-term thing comes with a lot of Instagram followers, because that’s what Robb(ie) feeds on.

Seriously: y’all can’t tell me it’s not a coincidence the “Social Media Influencer” has been chasing after the girl with the most Instagram followers there6.

We head into the cocktail party, and a few couples there are completely set - Derek & Taylor, Adam & Raven, and Lacey and Daniel are just weird together which everyone’s okay with. Meanwhile, Ben Z hasn’t found anyone and knows he’s not getting a rose that week because he’s not interested in anyone there and no one’s interested in him, so... He’s leaving. Pretty much everyone’s sad but also like “Go home to your dog, bro.”

Qirsten and Raven are sitting with My Ex-Boyfriend Wells and discussing how all the guys are thirsting over Kriston now. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells is like, “you’re like me last year!” and I’m like, “Fuck the fuck off, Wells!”

My Ex-Boyfriend Wells knows what he did.

Then My Ex-Boyfriend Wells reconfirms why I broke up with him when he’s the one to tell Cristan that everyone’s been calling her Scallop Fingers since she arrived. Like, the scallop story was funny in its initial appearance but it quickly diverted into cruelty - everyone calling her that in their talking heads, the chyron - it lost its humor quickly and they’re beating a dead horse with it now. I admittedly had a Mean Girl period, but that Mean Girl period was called The Eighth Grade. Do you know what Eighth Grade should rebrand itself as? The Human Centipede. You’re just eating shit and shitting out shit because you’re shit. The perpetuation of the scallop story just feels like eighth grade bullshit.

Again - take away people’s access to outside things and you’ll see how they truly are. It’s why I’ll never go camping.

Wells slowly realizes midway through telling the story that a) Kristan had no idea about this story or this “nickname”7 and b) she’s actually kind of hurt by it. The only time I agree with her is when she’s like “Persecute me, I don’t like to waste good food.” Me either, KirstenDunst.

Kristan is basically a hot commodity with JACKSTONE, Buster Bluth, and Blake. She makes out with all of them with scallop mouth. I have nothing to say.

There’s a ton of filler, but Danielle sits down with Dean and asks him if Kristina gave him her rose, would he accept it? He finally says that he knows it’s not fair to play with both of their feelings and he’s going to go all-in with Danielle. I feel bad for Danielle because... Dean’s constantly talking about how Kristina’s too good for him and so like, what’s Danielle? Chopped liver? And this is what he wanted - Danielle once he was done with Kristina.

Of course, Kristina reacts maturely and perfectly and calmly.

Nah, she insults him and says he’s going after a girl, not a woman. KRISTINA. COME ON. SERIOUSLY? This dude has proven to you time and time again that you were his safety net. She keeps trying to blame Danielle and that she got “in his head”. Kristina sits down with Raven to shit talk, and Raven, while well-intentioned, picked the wrong moment to try to reason with Kristina and drop some logical truth bombs. She tries to reason with Kristina that no one “stole” Dean, Dean was wrong for playing two girls at once. She can be mad at Danielle, but she shouldn’t blame her for it. Kristina wanted at that moment to feel supported and didn’t get it from Raven, so she storms off because what does Raven know, they haven’t talked in a few days.

Y’all.

My Ex-Boyfriend Wells finally delivers the line to Kristina that she probably needed to hear all along, and something I have said several times to my friends in the past - why are you fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for you? Why bother? There is no reason to waste any time on someone who wouldn’t waste time on you. It’s hard to admit that and it’s hard to realize that you might be unwanted but that’s the way love goes.

We head into the Rose Ceremony.

Lacey gives her rose to Candy Lambz, and I can only imagine the abhorrent personality that would accompany their child.

Taylor gives her rose to Derek.

Amanda gives her rose to Robb(ie).

Raven gives her rose to Adam.

Dominique picks Diggy.

Jasmine picks... Jonathan?

Christin gives her rose to JACKSTONE.

Instead of giving out her rose, Kristina’s like, “Fuck this, fuck y’all, I’m out.” Her rose isn’t going to anyone.

Dean walks her out, and he’s like, “I hate myself, I hate doing this to you, please forgive me.”

That. IS NOT. AN APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s telling someone you fucked up and then telling them how they should feel about it. That’s manipulation through and through. Stop making the conversation about your feelings. God.

Then he goes back and accepts Danielle’s rose.

Blake and Fred are going home. Bye Fred, please go find a more normal girl in your hometown.

Exeunt.

Enter.

The next day, everyone is still shook that Kristina left. Let’s be real - no one is really shook. Dean’s just relieved he can fuck Danielle without guilt now. We hear Dominique say more words in the opener than she has all season. She confirms the couples, and is worried someone might come in and distrupt everything.

Here comes Jaimi!!!!!!!

Jaimi is known for being bisexual and of course everyone’s like OMG SHE LIKES BOTH MEN AND WOMEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN IS SHE GOING TO TRY TO FUCK EVERYONE? No. The narrative that bisexual women are sluts who are just trying to bang everyone than can is dangerous. Bisexual women are not your sex toys and they have agency and aren’t... fucking predators. They’re not nymphomaniac homewreckers.8They just have interest in both genders. It’s not that hard.

I’m sorry, I’m still a little drunk from last night.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Jaimi: She’s far from the worst one in this cast, she’s more like soap in the eye.

Anyway, the girls are talking about how they think Jaimi’s interested in Cristen. Of course. I hate everyone on this show. Jaimi sets her sights on Diggy right quick, though. She gives her date card to him, and he seems... tentative about it, but he goes anyway.

We’re off on another $13 date where Diggy tries to figure out with Jaimi “is” in terms of nationality. You know what mixed people love? When people try to guess what they “are”. The’re fucking people. That’s what they are.

Meanwhile, back at the villa, Danielle and Dean are basically all over each other and she’s not concerned whatsoever.

Oh.

What’s that sound?

It’s the sound of terror approaching, aka The Twins.

W H Y.

Literally, their entire personality is “we’re hot twins, look at us!” I hate Emily and/or Haley. I hate that Willam, my favorite Drag Race alum, was on their “reality show”. I hate that this show continues to tote these girls around constantly because they literaly have no ohter qualifications other than being ABC’s bitches.

I literally didn’t think this show could be more full of awful people, but here we are. Is Jef Holm coming next?

Emily and/or Haley admit that they’re there to fuck shit up and I seriously hate them. Emily and/or Haley is interested in Dean and Derek, of course, and one of the twins refuses to take no for an answer. They have one shared date card between the two of them because they’re coming in late and because the producers don’t want to waste any time distinguishing between the two of them. They of course take Amanda Never-Shoulders aside to find out what’s going on9. Amanda Never-Shoulders is like, “Well, I’ve been so focused on making sure fabric never touches my shoulders that the only people available are JACKSTONE and Buster Bluth.” They have a really fucking forced conversation about Scallop Fingers and god, I’m tired of hearing about that.

The twins are not happy with these options, and they don’t even know what scallops are. The twins are not intimidated by Quristen and the fact that she’s the hottest commodity on the island. Amanda’s like, “nah, don’t even bother with Derek. Don’t bother with Dean. Sorrrrrrrrry.” Emily and/or Haley DGAF though, they’re going to ask who they want to. The producers waste a bunch of time distinguishing between the twins, and how to tell them apart - mainly, their vaginas and noses are different. I didn’t need to know that.

Emily and/or Haley continues to call JACKSTONE a serial killer, which is just... god. I hate them so much. Like, they’re the definition of “pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside”. They’re insidious. I cannot stand anyone who believes that playing dumb is a cute trait. Ignorance is not attractive. Not knowing shit does not make you a catch. Emily and/or Haley takes Dean aside and offers her date card and he flat out says no because he’s actually being a decent person for the first time.

Emily and/or Haley’s like, “well, I’m not going on a date with anyone but you, soooo.” He’s literally awful at letting her down. Emily and/or Haley goes to Danielle and is like, “So what would happen if Dean and I went on a date?” And Danielle’s like, “He’s an adult, he can make choices, if he’s interested, he should go.” She’s so wonderfully composed while also being like, “I will kill you.” Emily and/or Haley asks Dean again and he says no, he wouldn’t, he’s not interested.

Adam and Raven spent the entire episode in that hammock.

Emily and/or Haley react like mature adults about getting rejected and being forced to go on dates with JACKSTONE and Buster Bluth because the guys they’re actually interested in didn’t want to. No, they call JACKSTONE a serial killer and basically react with disgust about Jonathan, and call Danielle and Taylor (respectively) “ugly whores” because... they’re dating the guys the twins are interested in?

I fucking hate them. This is actually middle school behavior. No one has to yield your ridiculous demands.

There’s an actually sweet scene where Derek and Taylor admit that they’re falling in love with each other. I mostly commend Taylor for wearing fake eyelashes constantly.

Emily and/or Haley aren’t excited about their date, even calling their dates “douchebags”. JACKSTONE is feeling hesitant about going, and decides he’s not going on the date. He essentially ghosts them because he’d rather hang with Kristyn, which I think is hysterical. I would be insulted too if someone chose Kirsten over me. JACKSTONE is such an adult about it when he tells the girls that he’s not going on their date, and they’re the god damn worst.

They literally say to his face “I asked you out becuase there was no one else left and I felt bad for you - do you think I would want to be with someone who’s been with Scallop Fingers, serial killer?” All the other contestants are saying he’s an idiot for not going, but I agree with him. Don’t go on a date with someone who doesn’t want you. Emily and/or Haley fucking explodes and they’re like “FUCK ALL Y’ALL WE OUTTA HERE.” They literally throw scallops and Jonathan’s like, “Ew, no.”10

JACKSTONE gets my favorite line of the night when he’s like, “The twins are going to be fine - they’ll go home, watch Frozen, play with their fidget spinners, and they’ll be alright.”

The rest of the episode is the couples being all gross. They’re all like, “We’ve known each other ten days! This is going to last forever!!!!!!” Chris Harrison shows up and drops the bomb: This is our last day in Paradise.

Next Week: The “shocking finale”, relationships are collapsing, Fanty Sweetz, and Kristan may lose her virginity. Finally. Oh, reunion? Gross. WHY WOULD YOU FORCE CORINNE AND DEMARIO TOGETHER? JESUS. Oh, and Derek totally proposes to Taylor. Pffft. I'm so happy this season is over.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I hate how many times this show has made me write the word “tickle”.

How much do you think Ben Z. and Matt were paid to give out roses to keep Danielle and Jasmine (respectively) there? Ben Z probably was going to leave last week but they needed him to extend the Dean/Kristina/Danielle narrative, and Matt looked miserable when he came back to deliver his rose.

Dean needs a fucking therapist.

I literally cannot stand any of the people left.

I found out that Danielle owns an ice cream shop and I like her so much more now.

Can this officially be the end of The Twins’ 15 minutes? Please?

You know who Krysten reminds me of? Kenley on Project Runway season 5.

The second episode this week was one of the worst episodes in this show’s history. I know this is trash TV, but god.

At one point I literally said “I don’t care, Wells,” out loud and my boyfriend went “You have so broken up with Wells.”

My thoughts on Arie as The Bachelor: Good on him, I suppose? I think it’s a true gamble for ABC to pick a guy who hasn’t been involved with the franchise in five years, but Arie might be what is needed to bring the show back to what it was.

You know he’s immature when he’s using the same tactics my kindergarten teacher used to get me to admit that yes, it was me who ate the last Reese’s. I’m an asshole. ↩︎

Kind of hot in that beer goggly-sort of way. ↩︎

Once my mother bought these for the house and made us eat them because she wasn’t going to throw away a good box of food. I understand this, and I participated, but BLARG BARF BARF BARF. I’m still getting mini wheat crumbs out of my mouth and it’s been 15 years. My family takes cereal very seriously. (Cerealously?) Don’t get me started on the Who Ate All The Lucky Charms Marshmallows Debacle of 2000 or the Nick Ate All The Fruity Pebbles Fiasco of 1998. ↩︎

I laughed when Diggy was like, “Get Fred out of here, I was just getting used to being the only black guy here.” And laughed even harder when Jonathan looks him dead in the eye and goes “I don’t see color,” in the most marvelously faux-braggy way and I’m onto Jonathan now. Jonathan might be this season’s Evan. ↩︎

Dear Christane, you are on a tropical island. It is humid and hot and you will get sweaty. Are you really that confident in your makeup that you think you can get away with not wearing waterproof mascara? I feel you on the contact front, that sucks, but girl. Girl. Gurl. I cannot help you if you do not help yourself. ↩︎

I think it’s really interesting to see the path he’s taken since Joelle’s season. She’s kind of faded back quietly into her normal life with Jordan and he’s shilling sunglasses on Instagram. I don’t think she wanted that, and that’s why she didn’t pick him. Huh. ↩︎

Is it a nickname if it isn’t agreed upon by the person receiving the nickname? Is there are word for an unwanted and hurtful nickname? ↩︎

I actually give the show a lot of credit for not showing a bunch of shots of the guys being like “YEAAAAH SHE’S BISEXUAL IT WOULD BE SO HOT TO WATCH HER MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS” ↩︎

Literally none of the people there know anything about The Twins except that they’re hot. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells calls them a “national treasure” and again, I’m happier and happier that I dumped his ass and left him on the curb. ↩︎

This is the most shoehorned producer manipulation I’ve ever seen. They literally brought the Twins in just to stir shit up and then have them leave. ↩︎

[elizas-writing]

Steven Universe, Wanted: Eh...?

Just a few weeks after the last Steven Bomb, we have a one hour special called Wanted with Steven and Lars’s journey to Homeworld and hopefully finding some way to escape the wrath of the Diamond Authority. And...

Okay that’s just a short and sweet version. I wasn’t as pissed off or annoyed as I was with the last Steven Bomb, but I still got so many more questions than answers (as it seems to be a trend with Steven Universe as of late), which I don’t think is a good thing. And I’m sure by the time I finish writing this, I will be way more bitter than I originally was.

So just like last time, I’ll go through each episode one by one. Spoilers and possible swearing and ranting ahead. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Stuck Together

(I know this episode was leaked early and most everyone saw it before Memorial Day, but work with me here)

So Topaz actually turned out to be a surprisingly likable and sweet character, and she has wonderful voice work (hooray for soft butches). It’s great insight into how Homeworld treats fusions, and they tend to become emotional but have to suppress those emotions as they are not allowed to let feelings get in the way of their missions. That would be an awesome story arc to take! It would be the first Homeworld fusion we’d see that is both healthy and not solely used for fighting.

And finally, finally at the fifth season do they give Lars an attitude adjustment, and he's willing to go along with Steven to try to escape. While we still have to deal with Aquamarine being annoying (even though Topaz could easily poof her and turn the ship around), there is a good amount of suspense building up for next episodes.

My only problem? This is the last time we see Topaz and Aquamarine. Fucking really. Weeks of build up to these characters and what seems to be a promise for a fun story arc with Topaz, and we don’t see them again during this special. And given the show’s track record with which characters it chooses to focus on, there’s a likelihood we won’t see them again, at least not for a long time. With this shit again folks? And it’s only the beginning..

The Trial

(Warning: This part is gonna be a long one...)

Again, we have more awkward character designs with a lot going on at once to the point where it doesn’t look like it belongs int he show (and for some reasons they can’t decide how to shade Blue Diamond’s face right). Though to be fair, the Zircons are pretty enjoyable lawyers, and Blue Zircon gets a rocking scene on her analysis on Pink Diamond’s shattering. Much like Topaz, I can look past the weird designs and surprisingly still enjoy the character when they’re well-written and given good lines.

Unfortunately, we still have to sit through Steven asserting that he is Rose Quartz and tries to rationalize why he should take responsibility and assume guilt despite having none of Rose’s memories and still hasn’t figured out that Rose KILLED A DICTATOR SO THAT THE CRYSTAL GEMS COULD BE FREE TO BE THEMSELVES AND HE COULD HAVE A LIFE.

Thanks to Blue Zircon’s analysis, there is now question as to if Rose really did shatter Pink Diamond or if someone else, particularly one of the other Diamonds, did it and framed Rose. If it turned out she in fact didn’t do it, this would be such a let down and throw out any complex moral ambiguity the show would have explored. Like I said, more questions than answers on top of a bunch of plot inconsistencies which I can’t even tell if they were intentional or not. Of the major inconsistencies noticed by SU Critical, the two big ones that popped up are witnesses claiming Rose shattered Pink Diamond with her sword and Blue Zircon wondering where was Pink’s entourage when she was shattered.

Going back to season 3, we know Bismuth created Rose’s sword. It was designed for a fair fight and could only destroy a gem’s physical form, not the gem itself (hence the creation of the Breaking Point). Without any knowledge of the truth, Steven makes up a story that he used the Breaking Point to shatter Pink Diamond, to which Blue Diamond gets frustrated and breaks down.

But as far as we know, the Breaking Point never saw the light of day during the war. How could anyone have any idea what he was talking about? What was used to shatter Pink Diamond? And if another Diamond did it instead of Rose, how did they manipulate eye-witness accounts? In fact, didn’t Eyeball Ruby say that she was there when Pink was shattered? Why didn’t they ask her about that instead of when she and Steven were floating in space? What was the whole point of Jasper going after Steven if it turns out Rose never shattered Pink in the first place? Why did the Crystal Gems say that Rose indeed shattered Pink Diamond??

And then there’s the fact that they knew for years Rose Quartz was a threat to the point that no Rose Quartzes were a part of Pink Diamond’s court. Was this when all the Rose Quartzes were bubbled or did that come after Pink was shattered? Do we have a clear cut timeline at all with the events of the Gem War?

I wouldn’t be bothered by this if they didn’t spend a whole season building up to this moment. Now there are even more questions than answers and I can’t tell what’s intentional or not because there’s so much confusing information piling on top of each other. And honestly, I would have been fine just leaving it that Rose shattered Pink Diamond, no questions asked; is it wrong to have character with moral ambiguity? I guess so, given that they can’t seem to write it correctly.

There are a few theories out now about who really shattered Pink (most of them leaning towards Yellow Diamond), but I still want to believe Rose was the one who did it. My personal theory I’ve held since the reveal at the end of season 3 was that it worked out more like how Snape killed Dumbledore in the Harry Potter series or the ending of Code Geass R2. It was all planned between Rose and Pink for the greater good. Maybe Pink started coming around and seeing the consequences to her actions, and this was her way to make amends and bring the war to an end by destroying a terrible leader. It’d be great insight of Rose’s relationship to Pink (if any at all) and would explain why none of Pink’s entourage saw Rose coming before shattering her. I think it’s a cool theory, and it would totally work out in achieving moral ambiguity.

Anyway, much like the previous episode, this is the last of the special that we see of the Diamonds and the Zircons (who are poofed, and God knows what will happen to them with Yellow’s rage) and NONE of this is brought up again. Yeah, Steven spends a season with conflicted emotions about his mother and finds out there’s a likelihood she didn’t even shatter Pink Diamond? Never brought up again.

Off Color

More new gems and honestly, I love every single one of them. And I live for that shot where the camera just pans down and we see the massive amounts of empty holes from Kindergartens. If that doesn’t speak to Homeworld’s wastefulness and why they go to other planets to colonize, I don’t know what does.

This was a good episode for world building and how gems are held to ridiculously high standards of perfection. The Twins of Rutile are my favorite of these gems, especially in their design, and I like how you can’t tell if they’re technically a fusion or not. Fluorite takes the cake for the most out there fusion in the show, but in a good way and I like the idea of an elderly gem. I still want to learn more about Rhodonite since we all know she’s a fusion of a Ruby and a Pearl, and her paranoia is elevated by a factor of a million. And Padparadscha is so damn sweet, and some of the theories behind her potential for the show would be awesome to see.

And then we get to the end where they fight off Robonoids and Lars... dies...

What?

But since we already saw all the titles of the episodes beforehand, that’s when this happens...

Lars’ Head

Steven suddenly has healing tears, and they can bring back the dead and turn someone’s hair into a portal to another dimension like Lion. In fact, the two dimensions are connected, allowing easy travel between Earth and Homeworld.

I wish I was making this up, and I’m struggling to find out what to pick apart first.

Okay, one, healing does not mean “bring back the dead.” Big difference. And how does Steven suddenly have healing powers in his tears? I know sometimes his powers come and go since he’s half-human but there’s literally no explanation as to why now. It’s also come to the realization that Steven is so ultra-powerful that we’re starting to wonder why there is even any conflict in the show. Why do none of the other gems seem to be this powerful? And now we just have a straight up portal between Earth and Homeworld that the series could probably end in a few episodes and that would be it (but knowing the crew, they’ll probably find a way to drag it out with as much filler as possible).

It’s just a deus ex machina for a cop-out character death (which I guarantee none of us felt any emotional impact since we figured he’d be fine anyway) and a reason to just get Steven home as fast as possible. And wow, way to just throw in the mystery behind lion without a lot of time and effort. So it turns out he’s a dead lion brought back to life by Rose, and no explanation of the dimension inside his mane. Cool. And it turns out Lars doesn’t need to eat so he can just sit by on Homeworld with the Off Colors and wait to be rescued soon (maybe). And Steven gets his happy reunion with his friends and family.

In all respects, I can see what they’re trying to go for, and I think it’s safe to say the ending is definitely coming sooner than later. I loved these new characters, The Trial was a pretty engaging episode, and I liked seeing a glimpse of Homeworld. But whereas season 4 had way too much filler, these first four episodes of season 5 had way too much plot and worldbuilding at once to let viewers just digest and breathe. Not to mention bringing up major questions, answers and potential plot threads and not continuing them in a consistent manner. Is it too much to want a steadily flowing narrative?

And the sudden end really doesn’t do the show well when we have no idea when new episodes are going to premiere. Will it be weeks? Months? How long do I have to hold patience until then? Again, I’m a sad sack who keeps giving the benefit of the doubt for this show, but I really don’t know how long I’ll be stuck to this show, especially if they start going back to filler episodes again.

All we can do is hope for the best and a turn around, but I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch. God speed everyone.

[bunnyandbirb]

Birb’s Summer 2017 Sports (Anime)

My first distinct memory of trying to play sports involves trying to win a game of soccer by ignoring the ball and repeatedly kicking the opposing players in the shins instead.

During four years at my basketball-crazed college, I never went to a single game (my priorities were with Overwatch and figuring out how to survive the rest of the month on two dollars.) I remember once going to watch the Denver Nuggets play, and then waking up when it was all over. So yeah. I might not be a “sports person.” That being said, I fucking love sports anime. They’re super straightforward, feel-good shows and I’m a sucker for underdog stories. I would call them a guilty pleasure, except I don’t feel guilty about watching them at all. Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re all good.

I watched all of the sports anime that debuted this summer (in one night) and here are my sleep-deprived opinions:

Keppeki Danshi! Aoyama-kun (Clean Freak! Aoyama-kun) Studio Hibari

Aoyama is a freshman in high school, a genius soccer player, and has a crippling obsession with cleanliness. I was very into the premise of this show when I first read the description, which is why I watched it first. I’m still glad that I did watch it first, so I could get my disappointment out of the way faster. Keppeki Danshi! Aoyama-kun isn’t a true sports anime, more like a comedy anime with sports. The pacing in the first episode is pretty atrocious, barely introducing the main character before suddenly getting into a game with an enemy team (that I think I’m supposed to care about?) and then wrapping it all up in less than ten minutes. Basically the whole thing is a series of setups for jokes, and if they don’t make you laugh, it’s a little bit awkward.

The ‘clean freak’ joke started getting stale near the end (and it had only been one episode). There was even a moment where they actually tried to take it seriously (it’s so TRAGIC that he wants to play SOCCER when he’s a GERMAPHOBE), and that just made me confused. Aoyama also looks suspiciously similar to Haru from Free!, and it doesn’t help that they both have that quiet, unfazeable, non-personality.

I don’t even remember the names of the other characters, because they weren’t particularly interesting. There was an angry guy who was always angry that Aoyama didn’t want to be a dirtyboi, generic side characters, and then some girl who stalks the MC because he talked to her once. The best part of the show was the ending, which was an obvious nod back to old-school sports anime and was pretty entertaining.

The show’s art/animation isn’t that bad, which is a shame because I’m never going to be watching more of it. I’d say this is a mediocre show that I can see people liking if it matches their sense of humor. I’m not someone who finds gag comedy particularly funny, which doesn’t make me the right audience for this kind of thing.

Ballroom e Youkoso (Welcome to the Ballroom) Production I.G.

It’s an anime about ballroom dancing. The first time I heard of this, I immediately thought this was coming out to snatch up the audience of Yuri on Ice. I still don’t think I’m wrong, but Ballroom e Youkoso feels both similar and very different from both that show and Haikyuu!!, another product of this studio (and one of my favorite shows in this genre.)

Our main character is Tatara Fujita, a kid (supposedly in eighth grade, clearly doesn’t look it) with no hobbies and no idea what to do in life. He almost gets beaten up but is saved by Sengoku, a professional dancer and owner of a nearby dance studio. He eventually gets a lesson and then watches a video of Sengoku dance, which gets him hooked on dancin’ (at least it isn’t drugs.)

To understate it a bit, this show is VERY DRAMATIC. Maybe I should have expected an anime about dancing to ham it up a little, but this was a level of drama that I haven’t seen in a sports anime in a long while. They stretch limbs like nobody’s business to emphasize the ‘fluidity of dance’ or something (I don’t really know) and I laughed out loud at how silly some of it looked. Not to the say that the animation is bad. The whole CLAMP-esque rubber limbs syndrome is clearly a stylistic choice, and everything looks pretty good when they’re not dancing.

But it’s not just the animation. The plot is also VERY DRAMATIC. The entire show is a lot heavier than a lot of other sports anime, and all of the characters are way more passionate about dancing than I’ve ever been about anything. And honestly, I did get a little caught up in it. The music in this show is pretty good, and definitely contributed to how invested I got in the scenes. The characters are likeable so far. There is a bit of fanservice every now and then, which is annoying but I’ll deal with it. This is a true underdog story, and while I can predict how the rest of the show will go by watching these first five episodes, I’m sure I won’t be bored following through with it.

Dive!! (Not-Free!) Zero-G

Okay, so the alternate name isn’t really Not-Free!, but it should be. This show is mostly boring and a little hilarious (for unintentional reasons.) Dive!! is an anime about… diving, and is centered around a middle schooler named Tomoki Sakai. His combined middle/high school diving club will shut down unless one of its members can get into the Olympics within a year, which is totally reasonable.

Where to even start with this.

It’s almost impossible not to compare Dive!! to Free!, because it begs you to compare them. I can imagine they had a list of how to one-up Free! and, judging by the show, came up with this:

MORE ABS. Everyone gets a 10-pack.

Swim jammers? Pussy shit. Speedos only.

You like high schoolers who look like college students? We got some that look like they’re 12.

Add another exclamation mark in the title, that’ll really get ‘em going.

I’m not exactly sure what Tomoki’s character is supposed to be. In the first episode, he is walking to the diving club with his girlfriend. She starts talking to him, trying to engage him in a conversation… you know, the thing people in relationships have sometimes. He only gets like three sentences through before he starts zoning out completely and has an inner monologue about how much he loves diving. THEN when she confronts him, he looks past her, sees his beloved senpai and BLUSHES. IS THIS A BL SHOW??? IS THIS GIRL A BEARD?? But really, watching this pissboi interaction was probably the funniest thing in the entire show.

The animation is serviceable, but if they wanted to compete with KyoAni’s work on Free!, they might as well have not tried at all. All of the characters are forgettable as fuck except for one, who isn’t even a main character. Actually, I take that back. The main character’s emo twin brother is also pretty memorable, only because he spends every waking moment trying to steal MC’s girl. The majority of the show is straight-up boring; Unlike Ballroom e Youkoso, I didn’t feel any sense of tension or urgency no matter how much they tried to get me to care.

In conclusion, Dive!! sucks. Don’t watch it.

Nana maru san batsu (Fastest Finger First) TMS Entertainment

This might not be considered a “sports anime” in the traditional sense, but I would argue that’s exactly what it is. Koshiyama Shiki is a nerd enters high school and is drafted into the “Quiz Study Group”, where he learns the joys of competitive quiz bowl. So yeah, it’s basically a show about people answering trivia questions on a timer.

I’ll be honest; This show isn’t that special. It’s predictable, the characters are generic, the dialogue is pretty trash at times, and the art is decent. Pretty much everything aside from the actual tournaments crawls by at a snail’s pace, and by the third episode I was skipping past most of the scenes that didn’t have to do with quizzes. There also is some random fanservice (really? In a quiz bowl show?) and sometimes the character artist draws their heads too big for their bodies.

Despite all that, I will keep watching this show until the end. I’ve had a lot of fun learning about quiz bowl, mostly because I didn’t know anything about it before this. I’m a big fan of trivia, and I feel like I can just watch the show for that and still enjoy it without caring about whether the characters die in a fire or not. I’ll just ignore the repetitive conversations and weak romantic subplot in between tournaments.

Okay, so the two shows I said were my faves of the bunch are about ballroom dancing and quiz bowls. But my three all-time favorite sports anime are about tennis, volleyball, and football, so I’m just saying my preferences are based on the qualities of the show, not on the fact that I’m a loser.

Well, that’s it for now. Hopefully we’ll see some more quality sports anime in the future... or I’ll just wait for the next season of Haikyuu!!.

~Stay tuned for more nonsense~

- birb