#instead of maybe thinking for a moment and realising that the problem with parasocial relationship is not that it was with the wrong person

[22ndnervousbreakdown]

"the man we idolised turned out to be a bad person, but it's okay, this other man hasn't fucked up yet so we can just idolise him twice as hard!"

Do you people not see the problem

[esomq]

I think I form parasocial relationships instead of real ones with actual real people I meet in my life.

^This is turning less and less accurate the more I learn to people.

I hope it will become absolutely inaccurate eventually.

Let me explain: I keep finding myself in situations such as standing in a circle with my classmates, listening to the conversation, laughing together, but not contributing to the conversation myself. (I speak quietly and always wait for that pause in the conversation so I can say something but the pause never happens.)

I also do this when we walk together. The moment I stop to tie my shoes and no one waits for me is when I realise we weren't really walking together. I wasn't a member of the group, I was just an observer whom they didn't mind. It's heartbreaking when it happens.

I've been like that since I remember. Watching them. Loving them from a distance but never actually able to be with them since I was never included in their plans (which I realise isn't surprising at all).

I don't know if it's my fault for not reaching out. It looks from the outside like I'm too lazy to reach out.

I know I don't do enough reaching out. But I don't think it's my fault. It just doesn't come naturally to me, like I haven't learned that when I was little or just was born with some kinda limitation in that matter. Or maybe it's not supposed to come to you naturally? Maybe it's supposed to take some effort?

Fortunately, I know that the people I feel rejected by don't mean it at all. It's a me problem, which is sad but it also means that the problem is one I have control over.

So I shall do my best to finally socialise properly.

(This is a complain and complaining is what I do most of the time instead of actually doing anything. I just enjoy pitying myself. This too is something I need to work on)

I have no idea if I'm this poor child hurt by her inability to socialise or just a huge egoist.

I have no idea.