#instead my trauma came out in other ways like I’m unable to be intimate with someone without feeling hate for my partner

[masterthespianduchovny]

Some people gon be mad at me, but I gotta say it...

Some Scully fans don't understand Scully or her relationship/feelings with/for Mulder.

Scully's relationship with Mulder is this utterly pure thing that is grounded by how much she genuinely cares, respects, and supports him as a person. When you understand Scully's perception of Mulder in this view, seeing her as some long suffering woman doesn't make any sense.

Most of the time Scully sacrifices or choosing Mulder isn't based on romantic feelings, it's based in moral and ethical values and what she holds important. The show sets this up early.

In Squeeze, Tom asks "who's side are you on" and Scully says, "the victim."

This coincides with the side Mulder is on.

Tom was obstructing the case due to his on bias and hatred of Mulder. Despite Mulder's pettiness, Scully understands that Mulder will always prioritize the victim. She chose justice (Mulder) over pettiness (Tom).

When Scully declines a second date with the single father, she's choosing knowledge and curiosity over romance and her personal life.

Interestingly enough, Mulder never asked her to choose him. He's always asked her to be honest about the truth, but he never put her in that situation to prioritize him over her own professional goals or personal life. In fact, he would've understood if she did and said as much.

So when I say some Scully fans don't understand Scully, I'm not being insulting or intentionally rude, I'm saying they're overlooking small character moments that inform her characterization throughout the series.

Scully was not only a workaholic, she LOVED her work. And there wasn't just an obligation to Mulder, it was to the victims as well. I often think about how in this universe, if Mulder and Scully hadn't investigated these cases, either no one would've or it would've never been solved. It must've been something Scully also thought about as well.

Scully mentioned a few times that she joined the FBI to make a difference. Not for prestige or make a name for herself, but to make a difference. She didn't throw away her career for Mulder, she was exactly where she wanted to be. Those other cases handled by mainstream agents were always going to be investigated and solved (if possible), but x file cases?

There's a reason Mulder was called from bumfuck, Kansas or backwoods, West Virginia. There was no one else. Her and Mulder were the only two who took these things seriously.

But also, Scully genuinely genuinely cared for Mulder. Not because she wanted to fuck him, thought he was hot, or really wanted to date him. She enjoyed him as a person. Like truly. After working with him, understanding this beliefs, and meeting many victims, the x files became her passion project too. She attached herself to Mulder because there was no one alive she respected more than him. Someone who stood by their convictions regardless of what others thought to the betterment of people besides him.

He had his flaws, but the great parts of Mulder truly outshined the worst parts of him.

People often overlook how much the x files and her experience changed Scully. The deadpan, straight to the point Scully we know and love came to fruition in season 5. Believe me, I checked. Remember, Scully used to be goofy, open, and free. Then she was abducted, given cancer, kidnapped, sister killed over mistaken identity, etc. That changes a person.

But none of this is Mulder's fault. Mulder changed her in the best way possible. He opened her mind up and challenged her--it was intellectual. Those other things I mentioned made Scully pull within herself and close off. It made her guarded. So suffered so much emotional and mental and literal physical trauma.

As a result, her social interactions changed.

As a reminder, she became a workaholic because of her passion for the x files and she enjoyed it. Then to add on to that, her work was wild as hell, hard to explain, and some of it classified. Scully lived such a unique experience that regularly interacting with others would've been frustrating, exhausting, and her having a sense of feeling misunderstood. And dating would've been a minefield.

Thing is: Scully didn't mind this change to her life. This isn't to say that Scully didn't want or have any friends, it's to say that she didn't strive to have a booming social life nor did she care. Again, she VOLUNTARILY became a workaholic and threw away a normal life for paranormal shit. Someone who does that isn't trying to meet friends for happy hour on Friday or planning to have serious relationships any time soon.

Not only that, some people live lives like this right now and have incredibly fulfilling lives. Some people just work and have one or two friends and they're living their best lives. The idea that just because Scully doesn't have an active dating life and a circle of friends she regularly talks to means that her life is dour is so flawed.

Scully's eventual dissatisfaction with her life was rooted in her believing she should want things that she didn't want. Scully could've walked away. She could've said enough, instead she kept finding reasons to stay because she wanted to be on the x files. And it's quite clear that you can't work on the x files and have a normal life. She didn't want both, she wanted the life that she chose.

At that time, Scully was unable to articulate just how much she wanted to be with Mulder, which is why she positions, "Don't you want to get out of the car?"

She wanted moments of normalcy with him.

And it isn't just because Mulder gets that life because he lives it, its because Scully is actually in love with Mulder for who he is. She's seen Mulder at his best and at his worst and loves every part of him.

Whatever feelings Scully had for Mulder in the past that she pushed away, she couldn't do it anymore. She loved Mulder in a way she couldn't put into words. It was the truest feeling she ever felt, the most sincere thing and she hadn't realized it yet. Then, when she does, it takes them time to get there because Mulder is literally the most important person in her life.

Which seeds were planted back in season 2. In "Little Green Men" (I think), the thought of not working with Mulder saddened Scully because it meant she wouldn't get to see and talk to him. Mulder made a huge impression on her and became important to her very quickly.

So imagine 5-7 years down the road...embracing this feeling and the thought of losing Mulder if things went south would've been devastating for Scully. She wouldn't lose just a partner, she'd lose a best friend too.

Because she genuinely cared for him and he's her literal best friend.

The love Scully feels for Mulder surpasses known definitions of romantic love because her feelings aren't centered in that. She loves him on levels that most people can't imagine. Scully cares for Mulder so much and she shows that by listening to him and protecting him even if Mulder doesn't think he needs protection. She validates him and doesn't trivialize his beliefs even when she doesn't agree with them. It doesn't matter who the person is, Scully will always go to bat for Mulder because he only ever had himself and he needs to someone to say "hey, you're not alone and you're taken seriously."

I bring this up to say, the idea that Mulder doesn't deserve Scully when Scully clearly wants him is flawed. The idea that Mulder should be lucky that Scully "puts up" with him is flawed. The idea that Scully would ever tell Mulder as such or anything resembling (and stressing how she could've been happy with this perfect other man) is flawed. Those first two things are categorically wrong and the last is something Scully would never do because she loves Mulder and that is harmful. Scully would never tell Mulder something that would harm him or that she believed could.

All Things is so pivotal because Scully stops concerning herself with what she believe she should want and embracing what she actually wants: investigating x files and living an unconventional life with Mulder.

Scully wants that.

Not dating around, girls night, or frequent intimate get togethers with her family. She wants to investigate haunted houses on Christmas Eve and discover invisible bodies and help victims find justice.

After her and Mulder get together, she's committed to him. She waited so long to be with him that even while he was in hiding, she never considered dating anyone else. Emotionally and spiritually, she'd been married to him. Now that they'd been together, she didn't want anyone else but him.

Like there's so many layers to this, which hasn't even taken the "like a switch" speech. Or her reaction to Diana, which had multiple levels--romantic, platonic, and professional.

Lastly, the idea that Scully was waiting around for Mulder (to ask her out) is such a basic take. Scully wasn't waiting on Mulder, she prioritized their working relationship over romance AND she knew Mulder had his own stuff going on with himself. Even if she had wanted to date then, she didn't fault Mulder for not asking her out. All the shit he'd been through and was going through, Scully was more concerned about his emotional well-being opposed to upset that he hadn't pursued her.

Although I do get the criticism and the desire for Scully to date, have on screen friends, and shit, it just doesn't track with what we've seen and know of Scully.

Like, this woman almost went on the run with Mulder after knowing him for 2-3 years. They only reason they didn't was because she wanted to see her sister who'd been shot. The reason she almost went on the run was due to moral and ethical reasons and not romance, however, my point is that Scully's convictions and priorities is why her life was the way it was and that's the way she wanted it to be. She then went on the run with him when she didn't have to, but we know she would because 1. his sentence was an injustice (we know how Scully feels about justice) 2. she was madly in love with him and refused to continue living her life without him.

Once again, Scully is discarding any notion of normalcy because she didn't want it and hadn't wanted it since getting assigned to the x files.

And that's on that.

(And it's why I object to the characterization of their relationship in IWTB and seasons 10 and 11. Although it's fine and makes sense for their relationship to have issues at times, the writers handled it so cavalierly and without thought. You cannot have the backbone of the show in a romantic falling out and not address it--not really. They don't try to genuinely deal with such a situation because it's melodrama, but my question is: why introduce it in the first place. If it isn't worth being addressed, it's not worth being introduced. Mulder and Scully had a chat or two, but it was so superficial and lacked teeth. It's not that I wanted the show to focus on them romantically, I just want the show to not bullshit or half ass shit they're introducing and bringing up is all.)

[xfandomwritingsx]

Long Time Coming

-gif source-

Description: You and Hopper finally give into each other.

Warnings/Labels: Sexual themes.

Approx. Word Count:

A/N: This is my first Hopper fic and frankly I have so many ideas for Hopper fics in my head that my full attention was not in this specific one and my mind kept wandering and jumping so, forgive me if it’s not the best. EDIT I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS DISAPPEARED BUT HERE IT IS AGAIN

It’s shortly after midnight and you’re standing at the Jim Hopper’s counter completely unable to sleep. You had come over early in the evening to cook him dinner, having always joked that he needed something that didn’t come out of a box every once in a while. El was staying the night at Max’s house and once the storm rolled in, you both decided it would be better if you just stayed the night at the cabin. That storm, however, also kept you from falling asleep on his couch.

“Can’t sleep?” You saw his dark form out of the corner of your eye just a half second before he spoke, but you still jump, hand coming to your chest and body tightening.

“Jesus, Hop,” you breathe out, trying to make it sound like a bit of a laugh. “You scared the shit out of me.” Thunder roars outside and a flash of lightning illuminates the room for a moment.

“Sorry about that.” He’s in sweatpants and a large, pastel colored robe. You recognize it as the one you’d given him for his birthday, mostly as a joke. Something about the big, burly chief of police wearing a delicate robe made you giggle. Seeing him in it now though, you realize he can make anything look good. He has it tied at the waist but it’s still open in front, leaving most of his chest on display. You look down at the counter instead.

“I’m not the biggest fan of storms,” you admit, shifting your gaze to the curtain clad window in front of you. You can hear the wind howling behind the glass. “Bad things always seem to happen in storms.” His footsteps are heavy on the old floorboards of the cabin as he approaches you. You’re not one to show fear often. Too many people take it as a sign of weakness and it makes you feel too vulnerable. It’s different with Hopper though. He doesn’t belittle you or mock you. If anything, he makes you feel validated and safe. Sane even. After all you’ve been through, some of the things that make you jump are stupid to other people. Hopper at least relates. “Thanks again for letting me stay tonight,” you say, loosening up your shoulders and easing your grip on the counter edge.

After last year, you and Jim have been together a lot. He started frequenting the coffee shop you worked at and the checking up on you had morphed into conversation and friendship. Light flirting made its way in shortly after. You knew the town talked; the chief spending time with a woman 15 years younger than him? You both saw the side-eyed looks you got when you strolled down the street standing a bit too close, but neither of you mind. Going through everything you had, there was a bond between you, between everyone involved, that no one else would understand. What did Nancy call it? Shared trauma?

“How’s your hip been doing?” His voice is concerned, but firm, completing ignoring your unneeded thanks.

“Hip’s fine,” you assure him. “Scar’s a bitch though, which you would know if you ever came down to the pool with me.” You smile and give a playful, teasing tug on his robe. He chuckles and rolls his eyes.

“Chief of police doesn’t lounge at the pool.” It’s the same line he’s given you since it was warm enough for the pool to open. At first, you’d tried to bribe him with the prospect of hot moms, but with a smile and an undertone you couldn’t quite place, he’d said he wasn’t interested in them. “How bad is it?”

You turn to face him and pull the bottom of your shirt up just slightly. You slip your thumb into the waistband of both your sleep pants he’d lent and your panties and tug them down over your right hip to show him the scar. The pants are baggy and they slide down a little more than what is probably appropriate, but you don’t particularly care.

He steps closer, his frame towering over you as his eyes dip down to the puffy scar. It’s nearly the length of your finger, slicing through the junction at your thigh and teasing up your waist, all just to the inside of your hip bone. It’s ugly and always angry looking, forever bumpy and red. You watch as his hand reaches out to you, fingers hovering in the air in front of you, hesitant.

“It’s okay,” you assure him softly, nearly a whisper. You lift your head to look at him, his gaze intent on your hip. His large fingers start to trace up and down over the length of the scar, barely touching you. “It doesn’t hurt.” He uses the pad of his fingers, feeling it more fully. It’s a foreign feeling having someone else touch your scar, but it’s not unwelcome. In fact, the warmth of his touch is making you want to lean into him.

“No pain?” His voice is quiet, but gruff, fingers still roaming back and forth.

“Not anymore.” You keep your eyes on him, watching the way his eyes barely shift away from the scar to where your pants had slouched down, showing him more of your skin than even your skimpiest swimsuit would have. “The scar itself is numb. Most likely will be for the rest of my life.” With a blink, his eyes are back to his fingers.

“So, you can’t feel this? Feel me?” You swear there’s something that sounds like disappointment in his voice. You have to stop yourself from reaching out to him, from touching his hand or his waist or his chest.

“I can feel you.” It sounds more breathless than you intended, more intimate somehow. He breathes deeply and you’re not sure if you leaned in or if he did, but he’s closer again. “The surface of the scar is numb, but you’re so big… Your fingers are so big,” you quickly correct yourself, but not before his lips twitch up in the smallest smirk at your words and a blush tints your cheeks. “They touch the edges and the skin around it.” He presses a little more firmly. “So yes, I can feel you.”

His hand shifts, thumb staying on the scar while the rest of his fingers slip along your hip until his palm is cradling you. Your breath hitches and when his thumb inches just past the scar, your body tingles. When his eyes meet yours, they aren’t filled with a hazy lust as you secretly hoped they would be. Instead, they’re soft and glazed with regret. Immediately, you shake your head and bring your hand up to press it against his cheek.

“No,” you tell him. “Don’t say it again.” He opens his mouth to say the words he’s been whispering to you for the past few months when it gets dark and quiet and raw feelings creep out. I’m sorry. He doesn’t say it this time, instead chooses to close his mouth and hold your hip a little tighter. “You saved my life. Walking away from a Demodog attack with a just a scar is not something to complain about.” He sighs and leans his face into your touch. You’d given the speech before and you had no doubt you’d do it again. “So, I won’t win sexiest woman in town or anything. Oh well,” you joke. It has the desired effect. He chuckles and straightens out a little, making you realize just how much he had been leaning down to you. Your hand slides away from his face and his slips away from your hip.

“I think you still have a damn good shot.” He runs his hand over his mouth and jaw with a chuckle and puts a little distance between the two of you. You look down to the floor to try to hide the blush and laugh with him. Both of you turn away so you can lean back on the counter.

“Want to try for sexiest man?” you joke back at him. He barks out a fuller laugh and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Nah. I’m not the type. No one wants a big, old guy like me.” He says it with a smile on his face which makes you shrug all too casually as you respond.

“I do.” Thunder rolls outside again as your breath stops and you feel like you could just fall through the floor. The air is suddenly very still and you can feel him looking at you as you try like hell not to look back.

“That so?” he drawls slowly. You can hear the smirk he’s wearing and you crunch your face as your brain fumbles for recovery.

“I just mean,” you start as you try not to fidget anymore than pinching the bridge of your nose. “I didn’t mean you. I’m just not into the young type.” That sounds better, right? His scoff implies he doesn’t agree.

“You realize guys your age are the young type, right?” Your brief glance at him reveals an amused scrunched up look on his face and a bounce in his shoulders. You shoot him a pointed stare and tilt your head just slightly.

“Clearly you haven’t seen the way those women gawk at newly graduated boys. I am not that young,” you tell him. “Even so, I’m just not into guys my age.” He raises his brow in question, waiting to hear you say it. “I like my men older.” His eyes dip down your body, coming back up with that darker look you had been wanting earlier.

“Is that right?” You caught the way his hands tightened underneath his crossed arms and you’re betting he’s wishing he had a cold beer to take a long drink from right about now. You don’t answer verbally, but bite down on your lower lip and nod slowly. “Got your eye on anyone?”

“I might.” It’s a safe answer you can shrug with, one you can brush off in the morning if, like so many others, this conversation doesn’t actually lead anywhere. “What about you?” You spin the attention to him before he can ask anything else. “Anyone catch your interest in town lately?” He drops both his arms and his head as another chuckle rolls out of him.

“Am I a complete creep if I’ve got a thing for a younger woman?” You find it hard to swallow.

“I suppose that depends on what kind of thing it is,” you answer, words suddenly breathless again. He doesn’t look up at you yet, hands toying with the tie around his robe.

“Depends on the day,” he says. “Sometimes I just want to see her, talk to her. I enjoy her company. Somedays I want to take her to a nice restaurant or out dancing or whatever the hell it is the young people do on dates now.” A soft smile comes to your lips as you imagine Jim Hopper dancing. “But then other days,” he finally lifts his head and turns his body to face you. “On the days where she’s being irritatingly stubborn or running her smartass mouth,” His voice dips down a bit lower as he steps closer to you. You look over your shoulder at him, head tilting back to watch his eyes train on your lips. His hand comes up and brushes a few strands of hair behind your ear. “Those are the days I just want to bend you over my desk.”

The air in your lungs dissipates. Your chest tightens and you feel like you can’t breathe, all while heat is flooding through your veins. You want to throw yourself at him. You’d imagined a confession so many times and you always threw yourself at him in your mind. Instead you’re frozen, unable to move or even look away from his teasing eyes.

“Me?” It comes out as an embarrassing squeak. He squints his eyes a little and feigns innocence.

“Did I say you?” There’s a moment of internal panic in which you frantically wonder if you misheard him. But then there’s a twinkle in his eye as he softly cradles the side of your neck. “I didn’t mean you. I just meant… ya know,” he mocks your earlier babbling with a teasing smile that eases your tension.

You start to laugh and give his chest a gentle, playful smack. He laughs with you and brings the hand on your neck down to rest on your shoulder. You turn on the balls of your feet to face him and lift onto your toes in half-assed attempt to even yourself with him.

“You shouldn’t tease a lady,” you tell him lowly.

“Is the implication here supposed to be that you’re a lady?” A roll of thunder punctuates his joke, startling you. Your back tenses and straightens as you press yourself into him, forehead leaning on his chest. “Hey, I got you.” His arm slides around your shoulders, the other snaking around your waist, holding you close.

There’s a comforting silence between you for a few moments as your heart rate comes back down. Hopper is patient, content to hold onto you until you’re ready. You can still hear the rain pounding down on the cabin and you take a deep, steady breath.

“I’m a lady,” you mumble, turning to press your cheek into his skin instead, afraid of brushing your lips against his bare chest when you speak.

“What was that?” he asks with a chuckle, looking down to you.

“I am a lady,” you say a little more firmly. “Unless you’re trying to lay claim to being the lady in this relationship?” You tilt your head back, looking up at his eyes and give a another little tug on the edge of his robe. “You do have some delicate features.” A smile breaks out onto his lips.

“There’s that smartass mouth I mentioned.” He shifts his weight as you shrug at him.

“Too bad we’re not anywhere near your desk.” You blush even as you say it, your boldness surprising you tonight. He hums lowly, a rumble you can feel through his chest and you watch his eyes darken through the dim light of the room.

“Maybe you’re the one who shouldn’t tease.” His hold on you loosens, as if he’s about to pull away and you feel it in your core; it’s now or never.

“I wasn’t teasing.”

He stops pulling away and there’s an actual surprise in his eyes at the way your tone of voice drops and the seriousness in it. He watches you carefully, weighing your words and your tone, trying to decide if you’re serious about what you were implying.

“Careful, babygirl.” His voice is gruff and deep as he shifts, both hands now gripping your hips with a new purpose. He’d only ever used that nickname on you once, but you know the bastard isn’t oblivious to the effect it has on you.

“I told you,” you breathe out, wrapping your fingers around both edges of his robe this time and lifting up as high as you can on your toes. “I like older men.” You feel a part of him twitch against the lowest part of your belly and you see his eyes darken as the smallest, dirty-tinted smirk reaches his lips.

“In that case…” He lifts you suddenly, palms smoothing down to cradle your ass and guide you up to his frame, your legs winding around his hips, pulling his robe further apart as your hands trace up to wrap around his neck. “Last chance,” he warns. If you wanted, he would put you back down and you’d laugh it off later. Or you could finally take the plunge that the look in his eyes is desperately asking you to take.

You give the slightest pull on him and his mouth meets yours in a sharp hiss of breath, his mustache and stubble scratching against your skin. Your stomach flips like you’ve just plummeted off a cliff and your skin heats at his touch, his fingers digging into the flesh of your rear as he holds you up.

You moan into his mouth when he turns on his heels, spinning to place you on the nearby counter. Lightning still flashes outside of your closed eyes, but it doesn’t bother you anymore. His hands roam up your sides all the way to your neck and face, roughly padded fingertips gentle on your skin. He slows the kiss, thumb stroking your jaw and making you whine when he pulls back just slightly.

“Been waiting a long time to do that,” he whispers gruffly, only a hair’s breadth away. You dig your heels into the backs of his thighs, trying to keep him close.

“What took you so long then?” You run one hand along the back of his neck, the other slowly teasing his robe further open, pushing it off one of his shoulders as the loose tie finally gives way and undoes itself.

“Wasn’t sure you were interested, sweetheart.” You have to chuckle. It’s not like you had been very subtle, or at least you thought you hadn’t. You lean forward and pull him into another heated kiss. Using your heels on his thighs, you scoot yourself to the edge of the countertop and grind your hips against his. The groan that slips out of him is filthy and delicious.

“Any doubts now?” you tease. He smirks as his hands dip down again, one coming to your thigh and one to the hem of your shirt.

“I’m clearly not good at taking hints, darling,” he whispers, taking his mouth from yours and leaning in to put his lips by your ear. “Think I’m gonna need to hear you tell me what you want.”

You groan his name, body practically melting underneath his touch and his husky voice. You snake your arms underneath his and reach up behind him to curl your fingers over the collar of his robe, tugging it down. He pulls his hands off of you just long enough to let it fall away.

“I want you,” you whisper back to him as his nose tickles your neck, a teasing touch that leaves you craving for more.

“A little vague there, baby.” His lips press a feather-light kiss to your neck.

“You’re such as ass,” you laugh lightly, grinding against him again and dragging your nails lightly down his back which causes his lips to press down a little harder, giving you some satisfaction. “Maybe you need to tell me what you want.” He chuckles darkly against your neck before bringing his lips back to his ear.

“I want to be buried so deep inside of you that the only thing you can say is my name.” You’d imagined that scenario before but hearing him saying it makes it so much more tangible. You’re left with an emptiness in you aching to be filled with him. You give a little tug on his hair to pull his face back so you can see him.

His lips are are red and puffy from your fevered kisses, mustache hairs just slightly astray. His cheeks are tinted in pink and his eyes are dark, hazy. You lick your lips before smirking back at him.

“Then what are you waiting for?” He smiles before scooping you up in his arms again, capturing your lips in an open-mouthed kiss, and carrying you off towards his bedroom.

[fluffmugger]

introspectivenavelgazer said: I’m curious about your thoughts OH HOLD ON BB I GOT OPINIONS. ITS BAD. 

sabacc said: ah, the disturbing things bingo movie oh no. nononoo. Make no mistake. This was not a “nooope” situation.  There was precisely one moment in a teaser that actually triggered me, and that was so fucking poorly done in the end product I ACTUALLY ENDED UP LAUGHING. I’m  not exaggerating, check the post. First time I saw that it pulled a very hard visceral cord, and when the Kersh scene came up in the movie, I was huddled up in my chair, hoodie on, ear blocking ready to ride out that wave of programmed fear.   Instead, I fucking laughed because the whole thing was so fucking ridiculous. What was a deft, vicious piece of editing got completely fucking wrecked.  And that’s pretty much what happened to the story, that film was a hot mess of absolute bullshit.  It not only completely fucked up the overarching themes of the original story, it made no fcking narrative sense in and of itself as a movie verse Lo, there be spoilers...

While some parts I can understand for expediency - such as sidelining Audra and shifting Bill’s obsessive run to IT being based on a local child that he ultimately fails to save, why the fuck have Audra in it in the first place? A five second appearance so ...wha, you can make a running joke on Bill sucking at writing endings that’s just an endless sledge against King? What was the fucking point of that?     Likewise the inclusion of Silver, stripped down to a single cameo that only got vaguely saved because it put him in the place where he could meet aforementioned kid (now living in Bill’s old house in a most contrived of plot points but I will allow it because it works) and form an emotional connection. The whole reason for them standing to face IT is shifted from the pact they formed - the childhood vow they could never break - to Beverley instead somehow magically seeing the future while trapped in the deadlights, and realising that if they didn’t finish IT once and for all, even after the cycle they would all eventually take their own lives like Stan did, unable to live with the taint.  While this could be a interesting take in and of itself - if you do not face the demons of your childhood, they will destroy you one way or another - it completely shifts the core motivation to one of self interest.    Initially the Losers (especially Bill) did actually take on IT from a position of self interest (and young Bill actually has a moment of self agony over it, is he only leading  his friends into a deadly crusade because he wants vengeance for Georgie? Does he have that right? Is he nothing but a “selfish little shit waving a tin sword”), but it became so much more, and these children became monster slayers.   It’s the hero’s journey.   And shifting that makes it a corruption, not into a subversion.   It was also so damned messily handled - it could have been interesting , the idealism of childhood shifting to pragmatism of adulthood, but it was reduced to a handwave threat, and they didn’t need to be threatened.  The original story had a whole intertwined creep that was fucking beautiful, this veneer of adults in control of their own lives and destiny being stripped away in thin layers, with the Losers gradually beginning to dimly perceive they are simply parts  of some great cosmic machinery and their illusions of control and indeed  their entire lives are all just that - illusions. The undermining of reality and stripping of power were great Adult Fears that played fucking beautifully in the book.  The silent unspoken Imposter Syndrome, hinted at, but never directly addressed, that all their successes were simply due to being touched by IT.  In the movie? Oh man we’re all gonna kill ourselves if we don’t fix this and it means ...nothing to the characters. Seriously. They all still walk anyway.  And   way too much fucking time is wasted on characters abruptly deciding to leave only to Not At The Last Second.   It’s just a big fat clumsy mess.

They completely chunked out Bowers taking Mike out of the final battle, yet still included him in the film - Why? what was the fucking purpose?  They also intimated that IT was responsible for killing his father - ironically the one fucking murder Bowers did commit -   and adult Bowers was delightfully played, but he served  no fucking purpose whatsoever. Not to drop them to the lesser number of power (5 as opposed to 7), not to drive them into the sewers, what was the fucking purpose of having him there? He shows up, doesn’t even break Eddie’s arm (so there’s your other purpose of resetting the gameboard to the positions of the last confrontation) gets stabbed, gets killed, and they go on la de da.

Michael’s story is absolutely fucked into unrecognisability.  I’ve already ranted about killing off his parents - it’s a dumb fucking decision and I will never fucking excuse it. William Hanlon is a key player in the books, inadvertently preparing his son for his role of watchman.  This is completely lost to the most basic of fucking racial stereotypes.   Holy shit they actually refer to his parents as fucking crack heads  at one point (although this is later revealed to be a fake out by Pennywise), but what does it serve?   While you can argue that removing him is what destabilises Mikes character THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON TO HAVE AN UNSTABLE MIKE.   In the sequel, Mike is clinging to sanity by less than the skin of his teeth, drugging Bill against his will at one point, actively leading everyone into danger with a false promise of victory and generally acting like a desperate fucking madman. Why take a dignified black character and turn him into an unstable Kassandra?  You don’t need a fucking unstable Kassandra, the very nature of what IT is, and its horrific, aeons-long parasitic relationship with Derry is so fucking unbelievable in and of itself it does that for you.   

Likewise Eddie’s adult career  is suddenly changed to being a ...investment? insurance? boring person thing? what the shit? Why not have him own the goddamn largest fleet private chauffeurs? Why change? that one tied back into his navigation skills at least, and there’s serious coin in that shit.   And fucking hell do not get me started on fucking Myra fucking hell if you want to touch a complex and fucked up relationship like that, you don’t handwave it. His entire rampant hypochondria is shifted to  something closer to ...smart arse with some small neuroses?  Ok, but you’re telling me this..why? what is the purpose of this?

Completely out of left field, Richie is heavily intimated to be Queer. Ok.     But they then go on to jam in additional homophobia (and this is on top of Mellon’s death that to be fucking honest is shot way too fucking far on the side of “lookit the smartmouth gay get stomped”)  and Pennywise threatening to reveal Richies Great Secret to the point I literally leaned over and asked His Lordship “The script writer does know this is set in the fucking 21st century, right?”   It could have been a fascinating side story of a man whose trauma keeps himself in a cage even when he doesn’t have to, but it’s not. It’s a hot mess of what the fuck let’s throw a gay (but not too obviously gay we’ll do it so we can claim he’s not so it still sells in china and we have plausible deniability hide your queers, hide your queers!)  in just so we can kill the object of his affection.  YOU DON’T NEED TO AMP UP THE ANGST OVER EDDIES DEATH. WE ALL KNOW ITS COMING. AND IT HURTS.    You know what woulda been ground breaking? You’ve laid the groundwork with Beverley already, have Richie in the deadlights as he is, have Eddie do his Big Damn Hero Save, and then have richie see what’s coming and shove eddie out of the way.  Having Richie die instead of Eddie? Holy crap, no one would have seen that coming. It would have blown up fucking everyone, film, telemovie and book fans alike.   (Also holy shit adult richie, far from being the smart, funny man we all know is a wanker. His comments at the chinese dinner party have none of the genuine humour of the book or even the  Curry adaptation, he comes across as a mean spirited bullying dickhead that you’d all go to the toilet at the same time and climb out the window to avoid. In a kid it’s funny. Kids have no filters. From an adult, it’s fucking poison)  

We also have all these elements of childhood coming back, but there is no purpose to them in the film.  In the book, it’s the wheel turning, the gameboard sliding back to where it was last time they faced IT, a very real embodiment of unfinished business and an inability to escape your childhood - a fact the characters are very well aware of and in varying ways horrified by their own regressions -  but in the film it’s just leaving the audience wondering why are they doing that? why’s that there. what the fuck man. why have bill stutter? So you connect the adults to the kids by using the broadest fucking flanderised tropes possible?  It doesn’t even stand on its own two feet, it relies on way too much back knowledge from other sources. And it reeks as it they bolted on large chunks of some other horror movie script that was presented to the studio and changed the names.  There’s no psychological implications, there’s no deftness, hell there’s no fucking chemistry with any of the fucking actors.  It’s reduced to a jumpscare gore fest. It doesn't even compare to the first half.  It got so bad that by the second act I was literally pointing at the screen and BAM right on cue, there was the jumpscare. That’s how fucking predictable it is.   The CGI was shithouse (I actually burst out laughing during the Paul Bunyan scene as well as the Kersh one it was so fucking bad) the ending is..my god they literally prance around him screaming “fucking clown” until he shrinks, they pluck his heart and crush it. Fuck me, the Curry adaptation had its problems but the savage, ritualistic destruction of IT as they all fell to their knees around and tore it apart with their bare hands had fucking balls at least.  And BTW, it’s only the caverns and the house on neibolt street that get destroyed, the rest of the town is just fuckin’ dandy and it’s like DUDE THE TOWN WAS LITERALLY BUILT ON IT. DERRY CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT IT.  IT’S A PARALLEL FOR THE HORRIFIC CANKER  AT THE HEART OF EVERY “LOVELY” AMERICAN SMALL TOWN. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH.  and then, THEN they end it with a letter from Stan. See, Stan didn’t kill himself because in one brief, horrific instant he remembered everything, and even as a child knew he couldn’t face it again and bailed, no... he knew he was going to buckle and killed himself so..he wouldn’t die they wouldn’t all die what. the fuck. was the purpose. of THAT.

In short, it was a phoned in, badly written, badly edited piece of shit, completely purposeless and not even worthy of its predecessor. 

[holden-norgorov]

A definite analysis of why I think Rajalagang ruined an entire storyline of the show.

I’m sorry, but if you really think the Rajalagang polyamory is IC you seriously need to rewatch the show. I’m not saying it’s not a morally beautiful choice, and I agree that it suits with the themes of the episode and I may even eventually come to accept it because I understand that in the finale they wanted to have a happy ending for everyone and that’s wonderful. What I’m actually saying, though, is that it’s not coherent with that we’ve been shown for two seasons, and lack of narrative continuity is an objective problem, regardless of what kind of message you want to send. And I know that the show was supposed to have three more seasons but, as proved by JMS’s statements, the Kalagang storyline would have canonically taken a different direction (had the show been renewed), and that was made clear in season two and strongly hinted also in season one by so many factors; so this polyamorous relationship was not originally planned or conceived, but it was added only for Rajan to actually do something in this episode and not turning out to be the only one without a happy ending. But by doing so, they decided to portray a trash, OOC version of Kalagang that doesn’t fit at all with the previous seasons. So, here I’ll try my best to explain my thoughts and provide an analysis of Kala’s relationship with both Rajan and Wolfgang throughout the show, in order to highlight why in my opinion the finale episode ruined their character arcs.

In S01E01 “Limbic Resonance”, the very first thing we learn about Kala’s character is that she thinks Rajan is what her society may depict as a perfect husband for her but she doesn’t love him. She is already torn by what she feels pressured to do by duty and what she really wants by heart, and this is exactly what her character is all about throughout the show: an internal struggle. For both seasons Rajan always embodies the symbol of what Kala needs to overcome in order to find true happiness, despite him being known for being a good and kind man.

In S01E02 “I Am Also A We”, during the short conversation Kala and Rajan have on the balcony, it’s made it clear that Rajan already knows that Kala doesn’t feel for him the same way he feels for her. But despite acknowledging this, he still decides to go on with the wedding, taking advantage of her internal struggle and focusing only on his desire to have her. Here we already have a small sign of Rajan’s selfish nature, because he consciously prioritizes his marriage ambition to the psychological fragility of the woman he says he loves.

In S01E11 “Just Turn The Wheel And The Future Changes”, we learn that the very first reason why Rajan took an interest in Kala, of all the women so desperate to marry him, is that his father didn’t approve their relationship due to religious differences. He basically said that at first his attraction towards her was caused by the idea of linking the image of Kala to a prize to win.

Rajan never once in all the show actually asks Kala about her opinions, her way of thinking, her reasoning behind things; he always focuses only on her beauty and physical appearance. This is because he doesn’t actually know Kala. He only knows the construct image that she shows to the society she lives in, and he fell in love with that image. He’s not even interested in getting to know the real Kala, and she obviously doesn’t want him to because she doesn’t love him. So, the result is that in two seasons we don’t get to even see one time when the two of them have a really loving and meaningful conversation. They basically have no relationship despite being married, and this lack of understanding between the two of them is confirmed in S02E04 “Polyphony”, when Kala tells Wolfgang that he is the only person she can talk about anything and be really herself with.

In many occasions it’s also shown that not only Kala is not in love with Rajan, but she is also deeply ill at ease and uncomfortable around him and, thanks to her unresolved internal struggle and the fact that he likes playing the victim, she also feels obliged to hide her true self. In S02E01 “Happy F*cking New Year” she is shown trying to distract her mind from this unwanted marriage and to avoid her husband by constantly shopping, and she feels forced to build a fake image to please Rajan shortly before their sexual encounter (which she feels dutiful to have because of the necklace he bought her). And the thing is that Rajan notices that Kala displays this uncomfortable attitude but he doesn’t even try to understand her or actually help her: he just keeps pressuring her psychologically in order to assure that their wedding remains intact. He is shown to care not about her as a person, but only about the preservation of their social roles as husband and wife.

In S02E01 “Happy F*cking New Year” Rajan also reveals having basically negotiated Kala’s body with her mother and, despite acting regretful once Kala shows her anger, this doesn’t erase the fact that he totally disrespected her as a person and objectified her without even realizing that she would have been pissed off about it and therefore that he should have apologized to her (a clear sign, as I previously said, that he actually doesn’t know her and that despite being married they have no relationship at all because they keep avoiding each other).

In S02E07 “I Have No Room In My Heart For Hate” is the only time in both seasons when we can actually see Kala explaining her opinions to her husband about the expired drugs that his company uses. As a result, he completely shuts the conversation off because he doesn’t care what she has to say; instead, he tries to calm her down by complimenting her beauty, which is kind of a sexist, disrespectful attitude. Nevertheless, he later sincerely apologizes to her, showing that he is starting to acknowledge the real Kala. This is the moment when Rajan really shows a newfound interest in discovering the hidden side of his wife. But the problem is that in this scene she mostly feels guilty for this because she realizes that this is not what she actually wants and that she is unable to give Rajan the love he deserves (something she ultimately came to realize after the sexual encounter with Wolfgang in the previous episode).

In S02E11 “You Want A War?” Rajan admits having lied to Kala for an entire season to prevent their marriage from being torn apart, and this was made possible for him exactly because they don’t have a real relationship and don’t know each other properly. It’s also fair to point out that Kala herself constantly keeps secrets from him for two seasons, so there is absolutely no trust at the base of this marriage. Unlike Rajan, Wolfgang specifically states that he has never lied to her.

This entire mess that is Kala’s relationship with Rajan for twenty-three episodes fades in front of the deep connection full of symbolism that she has with Wolfgang since the very first moment they meet. I’m not going to analyze every Kalagang moment and how each one perfectly fits with the other and helps empowering their connection, because it would make this post eternal. So, I’m going to sum up their bond especially relating to Rajan’s role.

During the first two seasons of the show, Wolfgang and Kala’s relationship is clearly thought to be based on a mutual level of understanding, connection and purity that overcomes reason, logical everyday life rules, cultures and boundaries. They are depicted as perfect for each other because each of them metaphorically embodies those traits that the other needs to embrace in order to evolve and grow. There’s a reason why they first connect after being asked “what are you looking for?”. Kala is looking for Courage: according to her character arc and storyline, she needs the courage to gain control and power over her own life, to finally make choices for herself, following what she really wants and not having to be subdued by societal rules and conventions. She finds this new, undiscovered side of herself in Wolfgang. On the other hand, Wolfgang is looking for Faith: according to his character arc and storyline, he needs to find faith in himself, he needs someone who actually reminds him that he is worthy of love, someone who can overcome his internalized childhood’s traumas and help him discovering a new self-awareness and meaning. He finds this hope in Kala, and he is also able to spontaneously open up and talk about his psychological wounds with her alone. They are symbolically conceived to complete each other in a profound level: there’s no room for Rajan in this kind of interdipendent connection and never will.

Especially through the first season is shown that Wolfgang has naturally access to a level of Kala’s intimacy that Rajan could never reach. We know that in many moments there’s proof that they share a strong connection with water (since their first birth, actually), and they spontaneously keep visiting in bathrooms, which are the most intimate and water-y filled places in homes. Also, by showing himself naked during her wedding and later in her bedroom, Wolfgang becomes fundamental in Kala’s sexual awakening process. They frequently are shown to develop a fluid (water-y) and sexual connection also through sweat. There are many scenes when we can clearly see that their bond is based on this deeply intimate and personal sharing moments that completely clash with Kala’s physical uncertainty and unease with Rajan’s presence. But the moment that in my opinion metaphorically testifies this in the best way possible is the beautiful scene in S01E07 “W.W.N. Double D?” at the Ganesha temple. We know that Kala is a faithful believer and, since Rajan is the son of the man who is basically trying to destroy Kala’s praying place, she and her husband share deep religious differences. So, Kala is led to use the temple as a way of escaping him and therefore it becomes her most private, intimate place, the only one where she can truly be herself. And who does she find in here, where she is unreachable by Rajan? Wolfgang. This is meant to show us that their connection flows and grows spontaneously in a deep and intimate way that could never be paralleled by the forced nature of Kala’s relationship with Rajan, who is always conceived as a stranger and invader in their lives.

In S02E04 “Polyphony”, Kala visits Wolfgang and states that he’s the only person she ever felt she could say anything to. This is because, as I pointed out before, she doesn’t have a real relationship with Rajan since he doesn’t actually care about what she thinks as a person (while Wolfgang is shown to be astonished by her opinions and private thoughts) and they rarely talk at all. Wolfgang replies that he tried to avoid her because she deserves to be happy. Despite being a really closed and introverted man (mainly thanks to his traumas), Wolfgang shows a selfless nature towards Kala, because he really loves her and wants for her the best life possible (aka: Rajan’s wealth). This behavior contrasts with Rajan’s recurrent selfish attitude: by playing the victim, he is shown to care purely about their marriage status and never actually take an interest in knowing Kala’s nature hidden under her superficial image and learning what she actually wants. After that, for the first time, thanks to Wolfgang’s presence, Kala finds herself comfortable enough to openly admit that her real happiness (what she really wants by heart) isn’t the same “happiness” that society wants for her to pursue (staying married to Rajan). Despite being obviously clear since the beginning of the show, here there is an out loud statement that Kala feels forced to stay with Rajan solely out of duty and obligation.

About the marvelous Kalagang sex scene, I expressed my thoughts in this post, so I’m not going to repeat myself uselessly.

In S02E10 “If All The World Is A Stage, Identity Is Nothing But A Costume”, Kala is finally showing the Courage (Wolfgang) to listen to her feelings and avoid pleasing others, while Wolfgang is finally reaching the Faith (Kala) that he is worthy of her and he doesn’t need to push her away and feeling like he doesn’t deserve her. This scene is so intimate and pure because of their mutual new understanding and acceptance both of themselves and of each other. Their entire arcs in both seasons culminate in this scene, and in the one in the next episode. What we can gain from this moment is that: Kala finally choses herself over others, which means that she finally agrees to follow her desires (be with Wolfgang) and move on from her duties as an Indian woman (be with Rajan). There is no indecision. Kala clarifies that she doesn’t want to hurt Rajan, because she deeply cares about him as a person (but I mostly think that this is due not to sincere affection but to the fact that she has lied to him for a lot of time and she feels guilty about it). In fact, she states that she “owes him the truth”, because by neglecting her duties as wife she feels like she has been using him. But she also states that she doesn’t want for Wolfgang to come to her city, which is a clear sign that she never absolutely felt the desire to share him with her world, Rajan included. It’s also fair to point out that in many moments of both seasons Kala and Wolfgang have been shown to be jealous of each other and morbidly attached to the unique connection that they have, never showing the will to share it with anybody else: for instance, think about the sex scene in the Christmas Special, when Wolfgang uncomfortably says “I’m not going to watch this” referring to Kala and Rajan having an intercourse. And then think about Kala not being able to go through with it because of Wolfgang’s presence (just to be clear: both these moments alone are actual proof that the last scene of the finale episode is completely out of character). They are the first one true love of each other and both of them crave an almost dominant and possessive role in each other’s life because of that. The last thing they would do is sharing their unprecedented bond with someone like Rajan who has always been, for two entire seasons, respectively an obstacle through Kala’s eyes and an invader through Wolfgang’s.

In S02E11 “You Want A War?”, Kala is ready to go through with her choice (which has already been made in the previous episode) to go “somewhere else, where no one knows” them. The importance of this scene is that Kala’s presence and role in Wolfgang’s development proves to be fundamental for his recovery from his childhood’s traumas: thanks to her, he has started to have Faith in himself again and now, for the very first time, he is ready to open up and share out loud his feelings towards her. He finds himself capable of loving and being loved and, while he confesses his emotions, he feels really scared and frightened both by the power that Kala has over him and by this unknown side of himself. At the same time, Wolfgang’s love declaration is what ultimately gives the Courage to Kala to confess her feelings thus making her decision permanent. This scene is meant to represent not only the explicit affirmation of their love for each other, but also for the part of themselves that had developed and grown thanks to their bond. This is why “love inside a Cluster is the worst kind of narcissism”: they complete each other and make each other a better version of themselves. This narcissism is precisely what makes it definitely out of character for Kala and Wolfgang to ignore their connection and even consider Rajan in the last episode. Paris was meant to be “just for them”, as stated by Kala herself. The finale special completely destroys all of this by giving us an unnecessary, weak polyamory based on the wrong assumption completely invented in this episode that there ever was a love indecision and that a choice has never been made. Also, according to the first two seasons, Kala and Wolfgang as a couple were absolutely the least likely to come up and accept such a situation, because they were presented and developed as star-crossed lovers made for each other, and each other’s one and only true love (it’s made clear several times that neither of them ever loved anyone else).

I hope I made myself clear on why in my opinion the Special features an OOC, regressive version of Kalagang and a totally out-of-place relationship based on nothing. At last, I want to share with you what I think would have been a worthy conclusion of their arcs: Kala finally embracing the newfound Courage in herself to ask Rajan for a divorce after having properly explained to him not only her sensate nature, but also her strong connection with Wolfgang; Rajan finally coming to love Kala for who she is (person) and not just for being his “wife” (property), and by doing so accepting to let her go in order for her to be finally happy; Wolfgang and Rajan reaching a friendship based on mutual respect but nothing more. In this way, I feel every character would have been given proper justice without being ruined or compromised.

Instead, by forcing Rajan into a relationship that isn’t fair to anyone of the three characters involved, the writers actually damaged and drastically weakened the epic bond between Kala and Wolfgang, and the quality of their writing decreased exponentially. 

[drreporting]

Moving Again

Someone asked for a conclusion to the brawl between Derek and Owen over dating Amelia, so here it is. Set two months after Big Brother Pt.2

24th November 2014.

It had been two months since they’d broken things off, well since he’d unintentionally run her off. Normally, two months would’ve been more than enough for someone to get over a person they only dated for a month and a half, but for some reason he couldn’t get her out of his mind. He felt deeply in his heart that they had unfinished business, but their communication was nowhere near resolving that. They only spoke to each other when it was necessary, and Owen was afraid to pursue Amelia and get turned down. Not knowing if she still had feelings for him was easier to deal with than knowing she felt nothing; it gave him hope.

“Mr. Owen?!” Owen heard a small child squeal. Turning away from the elevator and in the direction of where he heard the voice, Owen was surprised to see Ryan by the front desk, holding Amelia’s hand and clearly wanting to let go to run over to the trauma surgeon and say hello. He hadn’t seen Ryan in months.

“Ryan?!” Owen replied with the same childlike enthusiasm, making the boy even more excited. It was then that Amelia turned around and looked at him, clearly not conveying the same level of excitement.

“Can I go say hi?” Ryan asked, looking up at his mother, milking her with his sad, puppy dog gaze.

Amelia sighed, letting go of his hand and putting on a fake smile. “Go ahead.” The second she let go of his hand, Ryan went head first into Owen, jumping into his arms and letting the surgeon lift him up into the air.

“How are you?” Owen asked as he bore most of Ryan’s weight on his hip.

“Mommy and I are moving into a big house tomorrow,” the boy explained, opening his hands wide to describe the size of the house, “It has three beds and two potties and a pool!”

“That sounds a lot bigger than my trailer.”

“It is, silly,” Ryan giggled, wrapping his arms around Owen’s neck and hugging him. He’d missed Owen so, so much. Amelia watched as her son burrowed his face in the neck of the man he’d become estranged with over the past couple months, feeling a little guilty. “You should come help us move boxes!” Ryan suddenly suggested. He looked over at Amelia. “Can he, mommy?”

“I don’t know, Ry,” Amelia murmured, unsure of how to let the boy down easy, “Owen must be very busy tomorrow.”

“Actually, I’m free tomorrow,” Owen shrugged, smiling, “I don’t mind, once you’re okay with it.”

Amelia’s eyes darted between the two smiling boys, unable to say no. “Fine. Tomorrow at 3.”

“Yay!” Ryan celebrated, lifting up his hand to high five Owen.

---

“Owen, hi,” Maggie chirped when she opened Meredith’s front door, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to help move some stuff for Amelia,” he replied.

“Well, come on in,” she insisted, pulling him inside before he could protest, “Sit and I’ll tell her you’re here.” Not having much of a choice anymore, Owen sat down on the couch in the living room, faintly hearing the sound of two people quarrelling.

“You should’ve hired somebody,” he heard Meredith say.

“I don’t need any help to move my own stuff,” the other voice countered.

“That’s why I’m helping you, right?”

Meredith and Amelia appeared from down the hall, each sharing the heavy load of one box as they continued their quarrel over why Amelia hadn’t hired someone to move her stuff for her. His heart began racing as he glanced at her, the room suddenly becoming ten times hotter. Once Owen’s presence had been recognised however, Meredith sighed in relief.

“Oh great, Owen,” she said as they lowered the box to the floor of the living room, “You can help Amelia carry her stuff out of my house.”

“That’s okay,” Amelia assured him, “Ryan’s spending the day with Derek and that’s less things breaking for me to worry about.”

“Well, if you’re sure you don’t need the help…” Owen muttered.

Meredith looked between the two and huffed angrily. “Listen, whatever it is going on here, you two better get over it because I’m not helping you with any more of these boxes.” She grabbed Maggie to take her too, in case Amelia wanted to take advantage of her and make the poor cardio surgeon carry boxes. “Grow up.” And with that, she left the room, leaving Owen and Amelia alone.

Sighing softly to herself, Amelia grumbled, “Could you take this box?” Owen smirked and nodded. Funny how he was here again, helping her move out of a house to another one.

Twelve boxes later, they were on their way to Amelia’s new house, the silence in the car deafening.

Desperate to talk to her, and kill the silence, Owen commented, “This is a nice neighbourhood.”

“Yeah,” she responded, her one word reply making it clear she didn’t want to talk to him. Regardless, he still tried.

“Amelia, I’m-“

“Whatever you’re about to say, keep it to yourself please, Owen,” she said, cutting him off. His cheeks turned red in shame. Following her orders, he remained silent for the rest of the ride. He didn’t even bother to comment on how nice her house was, or how creative it was that there was a large pond in her backyard.

He stayed quiet for the trips they made from his truck to the house, carrying boxes. He said nothing as he helped her unpack some of the heavier boxes. He said nothing at all, up until he opened one of her boxes and saw one of his old shirts in it. He took the shirt, running his hands along the fabric. He didn’t remember giving her this.

“What are you doing?” Amelia asked, making him jump. He turned around, shirt still in hand, and they both froze, no one saying anything for almost thirty seconds.

Hesitantly, he walked closer to her. “Why do you have my shirt?”

Her cheeks turned red at the question and his close proximity. “You never asked for it.”

“I didn’t know you had it,” he responded. He looked at her, relieved to see that she was finally looking back at him.

“It’s a nice shirt,” she mumbled, “Soft.”

“So you’ve worn it?”

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Instead, she handed him the box in her hand and went for more of her stuff that had been piled in his truck. “You can have the shirt back if you want.” And with that, she was gone, momentarily making him feel like she still cared, and now having him feel like she didn’t care at all.

“Amelia,” he called after her, “Wait.” He followed her outside and then from his truck back inside. Once she put down the box, he blocked her pathway, determined to solve their silly issue.

“What, Owen?” she exclaimed, frustrated with his persistence, but mostly his intoxicating and confusing presence.

“What are we even fighting about anymore?” he asked, “What is holding us back?”

“You said you didn’t want to be in a relationship right now,” she recalled, “And I’m not going to be your rebound sex for Cristina.”

“I said that because of Derek!” he justified, “He was being an ass and I didn’t want the hospital to be talking about you and, evidently, Cristina.”

“Who cares about Derek?” she asked, “He doesn’t decide who sees who in that hospital. And I can handle gossip, Owen. It’s you ignoring me I can’t handle.”

“I’ve been ignoring you?” he inquired, pointing his index finger at himself, “You’ve been ignoring me!”

“Because you were ignoring me!” There was silence after his last statement, neither knowing what to say. All of this could’ve been avoided had they spoken to each other sooner, and they both knew it.

Owen sighed, his frustration turning into a grin. “We are terrible at communicating.”

Amelia looked at him and smiled. “Yeah.”

“So, now what?” he asked, hoping for an “I’m secretly in love with you, let’s get back together and have five babies.”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, fiddling with the edge of her shirt, “I guess this means we’re friends again.”

“Just friends?” he wondered. Amelia walked over to where he was standing, taking the shirt from his hands and looking at it. All she could think about was the countless time she’d fallen asleep in the shirt, the amount of times she’d thought about Owen, about how they used to be, how he could always make her laugh. The amount of times she’d been intimate with him, it was hard to just push those feelings down and hope they’d go away. Her stomach churned with the memories; they weren’t friends at all.

“Amelia?” he called again, wondering what was going on in her mind. She looked up and at him, a look of realisation on her face. “Is everything alright?” he asked. She dropped the shirt back in the box and moved even closer to him, if that was possible.

“We’re probably not friends,” she said to him. His face fell but, before he could truly convey his disappointment, Amelia had grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled his face down to hers, finally kissing him. So that’s what she meant.

She quickly pulled away, making him confused. “What?” he asked.

“Promise me we’ll take things slow this time,” she said.

“I promise,” he laughed.

---

“I should’ve gone furniture shopping first,” Amelia mused as she and Owen lay on the bare floor, using some comforters from one of her boxes to create a makeshift bed.

“Probably,” he agreed, wrapping his arm around her neck and pulling her closer to him, placing a kiss on her forehead. They laid there in silence for what seemed like forever, both lost in their own thoughts.

“Why three bedrooms?” he inquired.

Amelia shrugged. “For more kids, I guess. If it ever happened.”

“Is this you secretly asking me for children?” he teased, “What happened to taking things slow?”

“Shut up,” she giggled, snuggling closer to him, “I’m just keeping my options open, that’s all.”

“It’s always good to do so,” he agreed, unable to help himself at thinking of a future life with her and two or three kids. They’d make an interesting family, one Ryan probably wouldn’t be too eager to share his mom with. “Wait, where’s Ryan?” Just then, the doorbell rang.

Within a minute, Owen and Amelia had redressed and answered the door, surprised to find Derek and a sleeping Ryan on the other side.

“He insisted on coming to help you guys,” Derek explained, handing the boy over to Amelia, “But he fell asleep on the way over here.”

“Thank you,” Amelia told him before taking Ryan inside to set him up somewhere he could sleep for a little longer, leaving Owen alone with her brother.

“Hunt,” Derek greeted bitterly, already putting two and two together. Despite still having harboured feelings against the trauma surgeon, he stuck his hand out and shook Owen’s. “Have a good night.”

Owen smirked, returning the handshake. “She’s safe with me, Derek.”

“She better be,” he sighed stressfully, turning to leave. There was nothing Derek could do anymore; if Amelia liked him then he couldn’t stop their relationship from happening. Didn’t mean he wasn’t unbelievably bitter about it.

[comm2800mockumentary-blog]

Blog 10 - Refining the details and making compromises

Reflective entry #3

After collating my feedback and reflecting on new inspiration, I have re-designed my final project idea. Here, I present, the ‘about’ page of my blog to signify my vision. 

Narrative

To begin with, my narrative has changed significantly. From beginning with the qualities of a mockumentary to diversifying into an educational documentary, I have decided to make a 3-4 part docu-series surrounding both the ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ of this Virus and all that it brings us. 

In re-fining the outline of my documentary, I decided to remain conventional: to ‘make representations, mount arguments...[to] formulate persuasive strategies...setting out to persuade [audiences] to accept [my] views as appropriate' (Nichols 2001, p. 5). However, whilst my main intention is now to educate - rather than entertain - audiences of the Virus, I do not wish for this series to be down-beat. 

Instead, I still want each episode to celebrate the nationalism of the UK (and world), the beauty and vulnerability of humanity when faced with crisis. I will keep the narrative exciting and engaging through adopting conventions of a crime documentary where the build up to each episode is dramatic. And, as a homage, to my earlier mockumentary plans, I will occasionally insert parodic or humorous clips to ease the melancholy of what once was a traumatic and frightening time for us all. 

Here is an example of comic relief which could be used:

https://twitter.com/willdhislop/status/1258457955189641224?s=21

My docu-series will now focus less on the comical and more on the real: what truly happened during these times, how we came together, and how our lives - as we knew it before - changed forever. My underlying message is of positivity and the ultimate aim is for this series to resonate with my audience to combat the misconceptions and trauma of the times. Perhaps, if I’m successful, even act as a tool of ‘schooling’ children and future generations through the animated clips, and other less censored material.

 As filming will now take place after the lockdown (once the virus is either under control or gone) I will miss the ‘moments of crisis’ as initially drafted within my plan. Therefore, I will now be opting to use very intimate one-on-one interviews with various individuals affected directly*.

As I will be following less of a mockumentary role, the majority of my docu-series wont involve me or another protagonist on screen. 

Visuals 

In my excel folder, I organised each filming category (location, interview, other) in terms of 3 criteria: what I would like to achieve from the shoot, how I plan to do this and the equipment I will need to make this possible. For example, on the first day of filming, I wanted to go onto the streets and capture quick fire-round questions with the public (something like the Jimmy Kimmle asks the Public style) and combat misconceptions, challenge audiences and determine the most comical or enjoyable - or strangest - moments within the Virus period. This is meant to be a fun sequence to break up any tension or sadness within the final episode. However, audio can also be used as a build up to tension if controversial or engaging topics are covered in these fire-round exerts. I noted any equipment I believe could be useful in conducting this shoot. [See blog 11 for more]

For the interviews I would like to adopt a medium/ big close up shot of the individual(s). This shot will have a shallow depth of field and bring the audiences focus purely onto the subject. However, I wish that the setting is in a comfortable location - somewhere personal, like a home setting - so that audience can build a rapport with the subjects and feel the realness of their stories (their losses and gains from Covid19). I will rely on the simplicity of the set up to make my production easy to conduct. Below is a shot from the documentary ‘Fyre’ which captures my vision well. 

During the edit, I will use surrealistic slow motion shots in any intimate close ups I achieve. This will steady the pace of my narrative and allow audiences to understand the subjects vulnerability in explicitly sharing his/her story. 

I will depend heavily on any archive footage of the peak of the virus. To do this I will opt to use news reports, stock footage and citizen journalism through social media and mine or my family/friends videos. Sources will be cited to their rightful owners. 

YouTuber Shane Dawson often does this in his documentary styled investigation videos to stimulate his audience as well as provide context for his voice-overs. Dawson tends to cover quite dark or controversial topics using his dark humour to combat such existing issues in a real but subversive way. 

Here are some example videos I have in mind. These are relevant to my project:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVsTnCSYAAQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDzrAVjtbKY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1U1VYck6KOo

This will be useful for any shots I was unable to achieve and will be used in various parts of my docu-series to highlight the severity of the Virus, first hand. 

In recent times, cross cutting between two shots has been utilised to build non-linear narratives and make two seemingly separate topics more cohesive. I will mostly use my own shots against the animation. This will ensure that the animation doesn’t feel out of place and thus adds value to the story, especially in areas which (by the time of filming) will be unable to replicate. My animation, thus, will be drafted after the full filming production or throughout the production if I can find it easy to match up to other footage. This is shown in the excel file. 

Finally, my project will rely heavily on editing i.e. within the montage for Ep. 2, Pt 2. Because of this, I will be editing my docu-series alongside the filming. This will help me spot any ‘gaps’ within the narrative early on, but also offer me an opportunity to play with the narrative sequence, see if my vision comes together. 

Experimental / film-style: As earlier examined, a new style of documentary making involved film making techniques presented through a documentary narrative. For my series, I wish to employ editing styles which follows this trend closely. Here are some films which I will take inspiration from in my editing style to make this documentary visually engaging:

[These are not my own images]

/

*I plan to find my on-screen ‘actors’ through Facebook pages and word of mouth. I wish to find those who struggled tremendously during these times, and reach out to conflicting voices which build up our community. Speak to those: 

- suffering below the poverty line 

- the elderly who were in complete lockdown unable to leave their homes 

- the prisoners (and police offers) trapped in 23 hour lockdown facilities 

- the frontline workers - including grocery, hygiene and hospitality services 

- those who faced death or lost someone close to them

- Our NHS Heroes

...(just to name a few). These interviews will seek out the most personal moments of their lives and seek emotion which I otherwise would’ve missed filming my mock-documentary. 

[eyesaremosaics]

Reflections. Acting class/therapy progression

In my acting class, I have multiple objectives that I discussed with my director. Finding appropriate contrasting monologues for me to use, sharpening audition technique (as I know that is where my weakness is). Working on intimacy and finding vulnerability under my rage. What's interesting... Is I have no issue with accessing "power" on stage. I am very comfortable playing strong independent women, or sinister female characters. I generally get cast as a femme fatale or a villain. That would be my "type". In truth however, I have difficulty accessing power in my personal life. I cower and shrivel in intimate relationships with men. Or in business relationships where I perceive the other person as superior. In the kink community I would be what's called: "an ultra sub". As a dragon in the Chinese zodiac, I have immense power (and luck in car train areas), but this millennial generation of dragons (born in 1988) had the unique distinction of being called "the yielding dragon". I remember reading on the book my grandmother bought me about it... In the fourth grade... The line was something like: "why should a creature so powerful, have to yield?" That has been the story of my life personally. I do not recognize or live through my power. Yet I am able to slide to it very quickly if a loved one, animal or child is in danger. The sad thing is... I abandon myself. I do not come to my own rescue. Dragons need to feel irreplaceable, and because I yield instead of command... I often get washed away. Left with this feeling of displacement, of being martyred or badly used it would seem. In class he had me access power in dangerous liaisons, which was quite effortless, the next time he had me in a romantic scene trying to bail on someone I secretly love but am terrified to be with. Then he had me in an insane asylum, the only one who is not crazy, trying to convince the guard to review my case. Under duress, I failed to access vulnerability. Too timid. I did not aggressively pursue my objective. When he took the duress out of the situation last night, I was very surprised to see how easily emotion came out of me. The scene was thus: I was a child actor, never given a choice, fanatical stage father living vicariously through me. My character is having a hard time in LA, just got out of a horrible audition, sobbing in a cafe. Talking with a woman, telling her the story of her life, how she doubts her talents and abilities and whether or not she even wants to do this. Fear of letting down her father. Etc. I began to cry within the first few minutes of the scene, all my own doubts and fears poured out of me through the character. All the voices swirling in my head, telling me I'll never make it, that I'm too sensitive, when am I going to get a real job and stop living in a fantasy, when am I going to get out of the clouds and put my feet on the ground... It's why the never ending story is my favorite movie. I relate to Sebastian and Atreyu (paradoxically) so much. Part of me is a spiritual warrior, championing myself over the swamps of sadness, against impossible odds. With the weight of the world on my at times. Fighting against the nothing, the emptiness that's left in the wake of dead dreams. Becoming a shell of a person. Without hope. Part of me is a frightened, bookish, bullied child who lives in a fantasy world inside my head. Unable to face reality. In class and in therapy... I am looking for approval for my negative features. Trying to find a way to utilize them in a positive context, vs. shaming myself constantly. Trying to listen to my inner voice, my intuition. Trust that that part of me knows what's right. Looking back on this year... I was burning alive with so much emotional pain. I couldn't see anything clearly. I feel foolish about a lot of things, but I also have compassion for myself. I suffered a lot of heavy traumas this year, all in rapid succession. I think I did pretty well considering. I did the best I could with what I had. This Saturn return has been a bitch. I was tested in all areas of my life. Career, security, finance, self worth, relationships, old fears, woundings. I had to lose everything. Left with nothing but bare bones, crumbs, dust... To gain the perspective i have now. There is a certain peace, to this. More grounded than ever before... Yet at what cost? Struggling to regain my light, my ideals, my dreams. My hope. Trying to look at things realistically. "When you grow up, you stop blaming other people and start taking responsibility."