#instead im here choking on tears trying not to be pharma

[karinadele]

Polaris

Pharma x Reader

ooc as usual...

Warnings: Angst, destructive behavior, suicidal ideation (on pharma's part), open ending

"How did it ever come to this?"

He told himself. Feeling his vocal processors lock up and he chokes on his own feelings. Gritting his denta until he knows it'll bend. Lubricant welling up in his optics as he trembles in his berth. The only comfort is the blanket that you arm knitted for him. A red and white fluffy yarn, laced with blue, with his red cross embroidered along the corners.

He misses you so much. Desperately searching for the solace of your comfort. Long has the stupidity of your behaviors left his processors. Now replaced with completely obsessive thoughts of longing for you. It hurts. It's eating him alive, a pain worse than a million scraplets jumping on him. He's a medic yet doesn't know what to do.

He would brush it off as usual if he could, but now it's no longer possible. As if his hardlines have been rewired with nothing but data of you. You've somehow crawled into his motherboard and replaced every component with nothing but pieces labeled with you. Hard drive, memory, even his audials. He thinks, feels, hears you.

With what sanity he has left he throws a fist at the wall, denting the metal wall of the clinic.

Hearing your stupid chirps, your ridiculously lovely voice, how you're always making stupid poses to cheer everyone up.

How you told him it's okay to be tired, to want to give up, and that it's acceptable to just throw it away and be done. He never even allowed himself to entertain the thought of giving up. Only always pushing forward to continue in his suffering a guilt ridden lifestyle to maintain Delphi. Every cog he harvested for Tarn was a reminder that he's an absolute terrible bot.

Overtime, those thoughts have left him, and procedures became of second nature to him. Just another day on the job. Another job to be done so him and Delphi can continue to survive.

That one evening in the blizzard of Messatine, he was dusting off his servos of his remorse as he strolled out the front doors. Almost missing you at first, until he saw a cloud of smoke wafting over his way. A human. Crouched and leaning by the wall of the facility as you puff on your cigarette, lazily drawing nothings in the snow.

When you come to notice him, you hitched a breath and choked on your drag, falling on your ass into the snow. You're used to the bots, being part of the crew on the Lost Light and accustomed to their shenanigans. What you didn't expect was for them to forget about you after pit stopping on Messatine. Now you're faced with a glaringly intimidating seeker.

Originally Pharma wanted nothing to do with you. Toss you out into the cold and let you freeze. Yet your snarkiness and quick thinking won out in the end. You read him like an open book. He always thought he was a complex character, but perceived simple by others. Yet within cycles you've found all his weakness. His need to control, his desperate attempts to hold himself together because he has no choice. Long gone was the smirk on his faceplate, only to be replaced with vulnerability and an unexplainable rage.

Unable to throw you out as you would be a liability if any information of his personality and actions make it out, he begrudgingly kept you. Merely as a pet at first. It wasn't until Ambulon came back freezing from the cold that you spent nights arm knitting bot sized blankets for everyone. The Lost Light might have been warm, but not Messatine. Individually tailored to the 3 medics residing in Delphi, Pharma had no use for such things. Tossing it on the edge of his berth to be forgotten. Little did he know how it would have been his only connection to you.

"It's okay to give up you know. To want death, to want everything to end." You chirped up in your usual cheery voice, although with a tinge of emotion.

Was it from personal experience?

Spending all his time saving lives, and killing them, yet wishing for escape for himself. This caught him off-guard.

"I'm not condoning it, and I will miss you if you do, but I'm here to validate your feelings. You're struggling and no one has told you that you're allowed to. So I will." You tell him as you rock back and forth on your feet, arms held together in the back.

Pharma didn't know how much these words would have affected him. Now, with you gone, he wretchedly clung onto that memory. Replaying it over and over, until that's the only thing in his processor. First Aid and Ambulon noticed too, watching him fall into despair clutching onto the knitted blanket that they too, each have. A lingering parting gift from you.

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A/N: there's no happy ending for him, he suffers dying with transformation rust or dies ripping out his own spark ig. I wish him the best. Perhaps reader will come back... hold on strong Pharma..

Ig tell me if u want more.... i personally hate leaving angst open ended...