#inspired by the prophecy by ts lowkey

[quarantinedinabaddream]

i got cursed like eve got bitten. oh, was it punishment?

they say that eve’s bite was a sin, a transgression that wove a tapestry of exile and longing. when she sank her teeth into that forbidden fruit, the world split open and knowledge poured in like torrential rain. i can’t help but feel like i tasted something forbidden too. and it was sweet but it left a bitter aftertaste on my tongue, that still clings to my soul buried within the depths of my tormented mind but everpresent. a curse that shadows every step i take, making me wonder whether it was defiance or destiny? the weight of abandonment settles upon me like a bone deep exhaustion, making me feel like a mad woman on her knees howling to the midnight sky like a wounded wolf, begging to a god she doesn’t believe in to change the prophecy, tormented by the icy grips of solitude and sorrow running through her veins, marked by the vile knowledge that isolates and a truth that alienates. tell me, is it punishment? this endless cycle of parting? this poisoned garden of forsaken bonds? every connection, every embrace, doomed to wither? friends, lovers, even fleeting acquaintances all fated to always always slip away? leaving behind the cold echo of their absence. each departure a cruel reminder, a silent testament to the curse that i bear but somehow can’t seem to grasp whether it was a birthright or the consequence of seeking what lies beyond the veil of innocence. or maybe the curse is in the knowing, in the bitter aftertaste of that first bite, in the endless haunting question: was it punishment? is it punishment? or simply the price of seeing too much, feeling too deeply, and daring to reach for more than what was ever meant to be mine?

[quarantinedinabaddream]

slow is the quicksand, poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand. oh, still i dream of her.

they say “no one will ever know the violence it took to become this gentle” and it reminds me of you, of how despite the fate you were dealt with, you chose to be this kind and gentle and everything that i am not, but everything i wish i could be. you see your hands know kindness and love while mine only know violence. so how could i ever think of anything other than the metaphorical and literal blood on my hands whenever they’re held tight in yours? and yet that doesn’t stop me from waking up in the middle of the night, yearning for your leftover phantom touches from dreams that might never come true and nightmares that i know always always will from that old familiar body ache.

[quarantinedinabaddream]

thought i caught lightning in a bottle. oh, but it’s gone again.

i am so scared that i will fall in love with you and i wanna tell you so bad but i can’t risk our friendship. i don’t think i have it in me to lose one more friend just because i caught feelings and they weren’t reciprocated. but i’m so so scared that it won’t be enough to pretend that i don’t wanna tell you every single thing that happens to me, that i don’t wanna run to you every time i am upset about anything because i know talking to you will make me feel better, or that even the smallest things remind me of you these days, that it doesn’t feel like i’m being stabbed in the chest every time you talk about someone else like it doesn’t kill me inside to nod along as if i’m not wishing you felt the same. i am so scared that one day i won’t be able to keep it in and i will just say it and it’ll make you leave. i try everyday to push it down even deeper and it makes me so so mean, and i feel so ashamed because i say things to people about you that i don’t actually believe, i try to make you into a bad person which you can never be. but just sometimes… when i catch you looking at me when i’m not really paying attention, when your hugs linger longer only for me, when you hold my hand while we are walking, when you kiss my cheek while saying goodbye… i get hopeful just for a second, but then it’s gone again because maybe i am just seeing things i wanna see. because how could you ever feel the same when all you’re is good and i am me.