#inmyheaddd

[littlemissmentallyunstable]

HII CONGRATS ON 100!! ENDLESSLY HAPPY FOR YOU, YOUR’E SO INCREDIBLE 💞

can i request fluorescent adolescent please 🤍

i’m straight and my love language is def gift giving and quality time, but lowkey a mix of eveyrthing. im an ambivert?, quiet around ppl that aren’t my close friends or just don’t like, also an avid pet name lover 🤭 i like receiving words of affirmation, and my type is literally anything (tall..) & FUNNY. like make me laugh and i’m in love with u 

thankyou!!! and congrats again seriously you deserve everything and moree

AHHHHHH THANK YOU!! YOURE SO KIND 💖💖 I LOVE YOU SMMMM

of course you can!! okayyyy sooo…

my gut instinct is xander hawthorne. literally all I could think of when I read your description.

I can definitely see him being the KING of quality time. like this guy would clear his entire schedule for you and wouldn’t even care!! omgggoshhh you guys could bake togetherrr (that’s actually a fic in my drafts)

also we already know he’s a gift giver (THE BOOK BOUQUET OMGGGG) like this guy would put so much time and effort into you

I feel like xander will be a good match bc he’ll be super extroverted with other people, so you don’t have to and then in private you can be extroverted with him which is perfect!!

Oooo and tell me this guy wouldn’t have like eight pet names, like it would change every day and they’d be so random but like so cute like idk ‘jellybean’ or ‘cakepop’ (food related bc he’s xander) and then he’ll have weird joke ones like ‘ironing-board’ (I’m staring at an ironing board that’s why I wrote that)

I’m pretty sure xander is the tallest out of all of the hawthorne brothers as well (so added bonus)

and yk that xander will make you laugh your face off like all the time about literally anything and I feel like he’d remember what makes you laugh and make sure he uses the same humour again, just to hear your laugh

can’t lie at first I was leaning to aaron warner to ship you with and then you said tall (he’s not even short and I can’t say anything but still it made me giggle)

and a little note from me just to say a MASIVE THANK YOU TO YOU!! you were one of my first followers and moots and you’ve read my writing from really early on and always encouraged me!! ❤️❤️ It’s been so nice to have your support and it means the world!! your writing really inspires me as you have such a talent!! I’m eternally grateful for you so thank you my love 🥰🥰

[jkriordanverse]

I realized being a moot did not have a badge and I MEAN IT SHOULD HAVE ONE but i didnt rly see any online so i made one myself :D

send this badge to your moots (or by tagging) because everyone deserves it :D

tags:

@clarissaweasley-10 @isthataraccoon @randomfandom-3 @reyreadersblog @lost-my-head-in-the-clouds

@s-rosie @mrs-jameson-hawthorne @pockyyasii @mt-jupiter @inmyheaddd

@finnslay @his-littlefox @x-liv25-jamieswife @lyrakanefanatic @f4iry-bell

@never-enough-novels @myfairkatiecat @wraith--2

[xo-zozo]

averyjameson headcannons •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

a/n : i'm backkk did you miss me?? after games untold i've been needing more of them so why not just do it yourself? anyway, tell me if you want to be added or removed from the tag list!

tags : @your-mommy-ems @arqbella @reminiscentreader @x-liv25-jamieswife @inmyheaddd

@alwaysthefangirl @clarissaweasley-10 @off-to-the-r4ces @annamatix @lyrakanefanatic

@123letsgobestie @hathorneheiress @midiosaamor

avery isn't (usually) the jealous type but jameson definitely is so anytime any guy she doesn't know talks to her he makes sure that he's always there just in case

not in a political way (it's definitely political) but they watched the election results together and raged the whole time

we all know that jameson's love language is touch but it also means that he does NOT care where they are, he's always kissing her and hugging her

he's always also holding her hands and fidgeting with them

they do the wordle together and always guess it together in like 3 tries because they have ultimate smarts when they're together

he thinks that she's the prettiest cutest person ever so he's always taking candid photos of her just reading or doing random stuff because he thinks she just looks so pretty

on the opposite side of things she's also always telling him how pretty she thinks he is

speaking of the photos, he's her personal photographer and takes all of the GOOD photos of her too

they're super good at getting gifts for each other so they're always trying to "out-gift" each other for their birthdays or the holidays

she always plays with his hair or gives him head scratches while he's falling asleep on her

he insists on always tying her shoes for her

this has been said so many times but avery has a bunch of nervous habits like tugging at her hair, picking at her nails or her lips so even if they're arguing he'll grab her hands just so she won't

when they start sleeping in his room he lets her add her own touch to his room and changing it to how she likes it

one of her favorite quality's about him is his smile and his laugh

one of their favorite things to go into those photo booths that you see in the mall so every time they see one they have to do it until they have a collection of them

he always watches her while she gets ready

he likes surprising her with vip concert tickets for all of her favorite artists

he's always getting himself hurt, not particularly big injuries but things like cuts and bruises and occasionally more but avery HATES it

jameson thinks it's adorable whenever they get invited to movie premiers and events and avery gets excited seeing all of the important people that she's "seen on tv" even though she's on tv all of the time

he watches all of her interviews and gets happy whenever she talks about him or there's a question about him

[your-mommy-ems]

.... ok so this was an EXTREMELY LONG TIME COMING (ive been planning hehe)

flower-for-em you will be missed. dearly.

but a new dawn is brewing

letting ppls knowwww

@arqbella (honorary mention to you for this masterpiece) @midiosaamor, @maybxlle, @reminiscentreader, @xo-zozo

@percabeths-blue-cookies, @feerique, @bonesnplywood, @sweetreveriee, @lost-in-reveriie

@runwiththerain, @thepaladinstrait, @bassguitarinablackt-shirt, @loveyou-imsorry, @svnflowermoon

@ssparksflyy, @fleuriosa, @gergthecat, @skeelly, @moonlightt444

@riordanness, @wish-i-were-heather, @his-littlefox, @juicygf, @kozumesphone

@mayfieldss, @tangledkissesss, @qylinscafvne, @missedyour21st

@findmeonvenus, @loveinalocket, @hxress23, @inmyheaddd, @reyreadersblog

idk who else to tag guys

[grandestheart]

SAD GRAYSON HAWTHORNE HCS

character(s) - grayson hawthorne

tag list 🏷️ - @nqds @urbanflorals @sophiesonlinediary @lxvebelle @x-liv25-jamieswife // it will only let me tag five people at a time so thats why tags are split up <3

@shuhuaspookie @sunsetovertheocean @never-enough-novels @lanterns-and-daydreams @inmyheaddd @reyreadersblog lmk if you want to be added

req?- no

warnings - suicidal thoughts, sh, ed (kind of) insecurities.

a/n - this idea is from @x-liv25-jamieswife her hcs are amazing so def go check them out!!! she takes full credit for this idea. Might do one for all characters depending on how well this one does

him and jameson had a joint birthday party once and he didn’t have anyone to invite, so he let jamie invite people and in the end only one person showed up 🥲 (this is kinda both of them but whatever)

went through a phase of hating nash for leaving so much and threw away the teddy bear nash got for him

nash later found it and has kept it ever since

When em*ly first died, grayson heard and saw her everywhere, so much so his brothers caught him talking to her all the time, he doesn’t hear her as much now, but it still really effects him.

he’s one of those people who’s weight fluctuates a lot (which is totally normal for everyone xx), so when he thinks he’s getting heavier, everyone can tell because he only goes swimming really late at night so no one sees him shirtless.

he also stopped eating for a while after Emily died

Emily wanted to have sex with him when they were dating, but he said he wasn’t ready and it made him uncomfortable, which upset Emily so she walked out and found jameson :/

used to sh on his ribs but tobias found out and made him stop because in his eyes if anyone found out it would ruin the family reputation

ate lunch by himself most times because jameson skipped school, and xan had clubs

when he was a kid whenever he went to join in with other kids playing, they’d all get up and walk away because they thought he was mean.

[graysdarling]

〡𝓖. hawthorne ˎˊ˗ the black x calico cat.

- summery: y/n is jamesons best friend. but what if she meets his secret—hot—older brother?

- warnings: idk, mention of drinking i think thats all

- voicemail: bro my adhd brain is bad because no literally tell me why i need to make the hcs for jameson but im starting a social media!grayson x reader, cleaned my room, redid my spotify playlists, and did my FULL ASS face routine what.

kittykittycat !

· · ·

Liked by tickingtimebom, iluvscones, and 1,023 others

kittykittycat ! 10m ,, the party was WILD… anyway no happy birthday to me = losers!!

View all 132 comments

tickingtimebom ,, you have me a HEADACHE BRO · ♥︎ by author

╰ kittykittycat ! ,, womp womp girliepop

ilivscones ,, WHAT…

╰ kittykittycat ! ,, UMUMMUMUMUMUMUM😿

username ,, You’re so pretty!! Also happy birthday!! <3 · ♥︎ by author

username ,, How old?

username ,, HAPPY BIRTHDAYSYSY · ♥︎ by author

tickingtimebom

· · ·

Liked by kittykittycat !, sabrinacarpenter, and 11,405 more

tickingtimebom 1h ,, went out

username ,, YOU’RE SO FINE

username ,, When they’re the hottest siblings ever >>>>>>

kittykittycat ! ,, ew JUMPSCARE…. 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮

iluvscones ,, please stop posting thirst traps of you it’s tramatizing

kittykittycat ! ,, OHMY GOD WAIT WHOS THAT FINE ASS MAN IN THE THURD PHOTO…

╰ tickingtimebom ,, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

╰ kittykittycat ! ,, NONONONO PLEASE TELL ME WHO HE IS HES SO HOT

╰ username ,, GIRL THAT’S HIS BROTHER.

╰ kittykittycat ! ,, oh!

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 @reminiscentreader @nqds @never-enough-novels @imaseabear @bewitchingkisses @flowers-for-em @alwaysthefangirl @luvv-danielle @sheisntyou @inmyheaddd

[wish-i-were-heather]

EUNOIA’S GRAND WORLD TOUR — ✮⋆˙

ahhh oh em gee!!! thank you guys for 200 this is crazy. we just reached 100 at the start of august?? i can't believe so many people are following me, but im so grateful for every single one of you! its been so fun getting to know people and making friends, everyone here is soooo sweet! so thank you again for 200+ followers! also im posting this on my birthday, so just another yippee im so glad i can "celebrate" with you guys and do this little event thing! (special thank you to @maybxlle, this quite literally could not have happened without you, ilysm <3) sooo basically instead of an event we put together a scavenger hunt!! (intro post here)

— RULES AND INFORMATION ☆

♡ we don’t really know how this works, we kinda just made it up

♡ so basically your first clue is at the end of this post. this whole hunt is based on music, conan gray (duh) and similar artists

♡ there are ten clues! the clue will lead to a song or lyric that is in the url of the blog where the next clue is

♡ remember that if the url isnt right, you can switch out a for x or u for c and so on. get creative!

♡ to redeem your win, send an ask to the final blog with your fav song atm

♡ if you have any questions, send an ask!

clue number one!

on the news, there’s sabrina. i just wanna dance

TAGS ♡

@whatsamongus

@sofiavaa

@pinkwinesupernovas

@littlemissmentallyunstable

@letmeliveinelfhame

@xoxonxo

@inmyheaddd

@rxsewqter

@tornqdowarnings

@myhyperfixationisbooks

@never-enough-novels

@apollosmusee

@viqwxcs0

@alwaysthefangirl

@bbypinkhearts

@metyouattherighttime

@book-girl4evaaa

@justalunaticfangirl

@hazellevessque

@midiosaamor

@flowers-for-em

@book-nerd-emi

@stars-on-my-bedroom-ceiling

@loveinalocket lmk if u dont wanna be tagged its np at all <3

[f4iry-bell]

WHO AM I? | 3

pairing: grayson hawthorne x popular! reader

warning: cursing (one word), a bit angsty, kissing?

taglist(permanant): @unnoodles @never-enough-novels @alwaysthefangirl @clarissaweasley-10 @benny1989fredd @imaseabear @never-enough-novels @elysianwayy77 @whatsamongus @sheisntyou @emelia07

series taglist: @inmyheaddd @lanterns-and-daydreams

word count: 1.4k

a/n: final part!!! there might be future blurbs about these two laterrr :D

masterlist | part 1 , part 2 |

Grayson had to convince his brothers that this party thing was not a date for almost half an hour. He didn't want to believe that it was a date, but he can't stop hoping that it was sort of one. She wouldn't have invited him if it wasn't, right? Or maybe she only wanted to be friendly. 

Sighing to himself he parked his fancy car outside the house she asked him to come to, there were too many drunken idiotic people in that house to his liking. He immediately spotted her in the crowd. She was wearing a short red dress that hugged her body, her hair was down like usual, and she was dancing with someone. A guy, from her circle. 

Yep, definitely not a date. 

He didn't know what to do so he just stood there and watched other people have fun, it took her longer than he expected to notice him. She quickly made her way to him and greeted him while holding her drink.

“Hey.” Even the single word slurred. goddamn her smile was so pretty that he wanted to kiss her.

“Hello.” It wasn't matching her energy.

“You good? You like this place?” She asked.

He nodded. 

“I'll get you a drink?”

“No, I'm driving.” He informed her.

“Well, okay. Let's go. I'll introduce you to friends.”

Friends? Introduction? He thought she was done with those people the way she distanced herself from them.

“I don't think it—” she grabbed his arms and led him through the crowd to another room filled with people who were vaping and drinking.

“Hey, guys. You know Grayson, right?” She told them.

“Yeah, the Hawthorne kid.” One of them said.

“Yeah…He's in my business class, he's cool.” She said, trying to fit him in this.

“Doubt that.” One of the idiots whispered to another. Grayson was sure that she heard it too but didn't say anything.

_

After sometime they say down and we're talking, or she was talking and letting the idiots either make inappropriate comments about her or just put her down as if she's not better than all of them. Grayson didn't say anything all though he wanted to, he didn't feel like he should be talking. He kept quiet through all of it, the way she barely spoke to him, barely looked at him. But he lost it when that guy from earlier who was dancing with her said something to her and she was laughing uncomfortably. 

He stood up. “I'm going to head back.”

“What? Why?” She asked.

He just looked at her.

“Are you not feeling well?” She asked with concern.

“No. I have to wake up early.” Those idiots laughed when he said that.

“It's barely eight.”

“I sleep early, goodbye.” He said and walked away. She followed him.

“Grayson, wait.”

He did.

“Is something wrong? Did I do something?” She asked, a bit panicked.

“It's what you didn't do.”

“What do you mean?” She asked as if she's clueless.

“Seriously? Can't you stand up for yourself in front of them? The way those idiots talk about you like you're some product! And why would you laugh and encourage that behaviour? You're better than this, better than that crowd.” He told her.

“Don't do this here.” She said, her face falling down.

“I don't care. You keep associating yourself with them for what?”

“It's not that easy, Grayson.” 

“How? You can just drop them all. You'll lose nothing.”

“I'll have no friends! No status, no one will want to talk to me if I leave a big group like that.” 

“You're wrong. Not everyone worships that group. You'll have people talk to you, you'll meet new people, with an actual functioning brain. And you'll have me.” He said the last sentence quietly.

“Grayson. It's not easy.”

“You're stubborn. I'm sorry, but I can't watch you do this to yourself. And the way you were kind of neglecting me there? That's all their influence, you put this mask on infront of them to look what? Cool? It's rude. I know you're better than that, but if this is what you choose to be then so be it. But I'm out, don't invite me to these, don't talk to me like you're interested, don't talk to me at all.” With that he just left the house and started driving back to his apartment.

_

After an hour or something, someone knocked on his door. He frowned because his brothers didn't tell him that they're visiting him, and it's 9:15 pm. He opened the door to find her standing outside, same dress, same hair but her face had a sad expression.

“Hi.”

Grayson didn't say anything, he waited for her to say something.

“May I come in?” She asked.

He opened the door further and let her inside, once she was in he closed the door.

“I didn't know you wear glasses.” She pointed.

“I don't need it everyday, but I wear them for headaches.” He informed her.

There goes the silence again after she nodded.

He called her name to which she didn't say anything. “What are you doing here?”

She sighed. “I don't know where else to go.”

“Did something happen?” He asked worriedly.

“I did what you told me to do.” She added, “when they were making inappropriate comments about me or my body I told them to respect me, they made fun of me for it and asked me to chill. I wanted to shake it off but then I remembered your words. I told them to not put me down, or pretend I'm only a pretty face. They just kept mocking me, so I told them to fuck off. And they said I'm out of the group, and irrelevant now.”

“You're not irrelevant. You have more followers than any of them. You are like the center of the whole thing.”

“I don't care about that.” 

“You don't?”

“I mean, sort of. But that's why I'm here.” She stepped closer to Grayson which made his heart beat.

“Oh?” He almost stuttered.

“Do you hate me?”

“Of course not. I only said I'm out because I can't stand to see you be treated like that.”

“I'm not like that anymore.”

“I believe you.”

“But do you…like me? I won't be greeted by many, I won't get the attention, I won't get what I had before. I'm sure by now Lily would have bad mouthed about me in every group.” 

“Well screw Lily. And won't it be nice? Not greeting people whom you barely know?”

“Answer my first question, Grayson.”

Grayson was quiet. He was flipping out.

She shook her head. “Right, I thought of something else. Erm, bye. This is embarrassing.”

“Wait. I do like you.” He blurted it out. “I've liked you since the scavenger hunt. I was drawn to your presence, and it got only worse when I got to know you.”

“Really?” She asked.

He nodded because he couldn't get the words out of his mouth as she closed the distance between them. She gently cupped his cheeks “Is this okay?” She asked to which she received a nod from him.

She gently kissed his lips and pulled back after a minute. 

“Wait, you like me too? Right?” Grayson asked.

She chuckled. “I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't, dumbass.” 

He smiled. God this is really happening, she kissed him. He bent down to kiss her again but she stopped him.

“What's wrong?” He asked.

“As sexy as you look with those glasses, it's not really comfortable kissing with them.” She carefully removed it and kept it on the coffee table.

[sheisntyouspam]

please reblog with or comment tv show recommendations 🙏🙏

tagging mutuals (from both accounts x):

@aaronskenjii@catapparently@secretlysolitaire@swiftreader1989@emreads294

@thebombofficial @bewitchingkisses@seeitallinmymind@ily-beyond-measure-carstairs@

@two-braincells-in-total@nonerrata-myarchives@slarxsa@joja-galaxy@his-littlefox

@cherie-luvv@seewead-brian@kit4strophe@shattermelyhfmlblog@theprincessofhearts

@ch4rliespringg@no1bookgirl@bookish-phile@eugenia-lightwood@balladofareader

@mariarosemary2003@av-a-fletcruel@xyzmeh@g-in-love@lil-luvxo

@blackdaleblr-sp@whatsamongus@arias-archive@miawastaken@mialicassi

@thiefofthecrowns@elysianwayy77@hxress23@ria-lina @apollosmusee

@lilyflower52 @loveinalocket @inmyheaddd @lyra-kane @thecircularlibrary

+anyone else with recs

[never-enough-novels]

270 Followers Event

This is absolutely the best thing ever and I really can't believe that 275 people follow me😭😭 . I'm genuinely so happy and i of yall soooooo much. I found soo many friends here and ill always be grateful for you all. I was supposed to do for 250 followers actually but I got busy with exams and stuff sooo here I am

For the duration of this event, I will try my best to post the asks as soon as I can but I can't promise I will as I'm still in college and my 2nd semester just started and I really wanna pay attention this time

This event is gonna be from 24th November to maybe 4th January. It'll depend on my mood whether I wanna end it sooner or later but I'll tell yall beforehand if I do end it sooner.

Pls send only 2 request at a time but you can send as many asks as you want

For my followers

I Just Wanna Be Yours- I'll make a moodboard of your blog or anything you want

Die With A Smile- I'll write my first impression of you and your blog

No.1 Party Anthem- I'll ship you with a chatecter of your choice. You can choose a character and a fandom from my list.

Dark Red- You can ask me anything!(as long as it's not personal)

Christmas Kids- I will give you a random quote

For my moots💖💖

Nobody Like You- I'll try and make a board on Pinterest on anything of your choice or on your blog( you can choose!)

Promise- I'll write a letter to you<33

Those Eyes- I'll give you 5 songs which you should listen to or which remind me of you

Wildflower- I'll write a poem of your choice

505- I'll try and write a fic between any 2 charecters of your choice or x reader

Fandoms- the inheritance games, shatter me,

Tagging moots:

@lyrakanefanatic @ellaisbackbitches @soulaires @lxvebelt @sophiesonlinediary @mafiasliege @mqstermindswift @shuhuaspookie @lanterns-and-daydreams @f4iry-bell @darlingnemesis @bookish-phile @pixiedust347 @xo-zozo @reminiscentreader @reyreadersblog @banilikesfictionalpeople @x-liv25-jamieswife @berryzxx @whatsamongus @lyra-kane @wish-i-were-heather @inmyheaddd @thelov3lybookworm @apollosmusee @jkriordanverse @sonics-atelier @metallica-jk @littlemissmentallyunstable @midiosaamor

[wildesqdreams]

i'm writing this because i have seen a lot of drama around tumblr about plagiarism and copying, so i decided to write this, so people don't go crazy on me (not saying something will happen, but like people tend to be scary and i don't want to make someone mad)

just today, i edited and made a new theme for my blog, but i did find inspiration from other blogs - @inmyheaddd @xoxochb @alluringwaves @ssparksflyy @flowers-for-em @midiosaamor .

so i wanted to thank these blogs because they are so beautiful and so aesthetic, and they are so talented at writing. but if some of the owners feel like i have stolen their theme or something like that, please contact me so i can fix my mistakes!!!

thank you all <7

[littlemissmentallyunstable]

there’s been lots of requests and comments so here it is PART 3!!! (SHE’S HERE first anon, hope you survived this long second anon and it was not a dream third anon, I’m posting/making it now fourth and fifth anon)

some of you were going feral for part 2 so I hope this lives up the expectation 😭😭 if not I’m severely sorry

title: the dancer and the angel part 3

pairing: grayson hawthorne x reader

synopsis: grayson has just admitted to kissing lyra kane, the girl you’d been worried about, the girl that was stunning, the girl he said didn’t matter… he chose her over you so now what??

parts: part 1 part 2 part 4

warnings: swearing, SPOILERS FOR TGG

a/n: okay so I hate switching POVs but I felt it was necessary here and I know the start is the same as the part 2 but in Gray’s POV but trust me there is lot more

tag list: @tornqdowarnings @whatsamongus @wish-i-were-heather @inmyheaddd @never-enough-novels @sweetlikeanangel @midiosaamor @sweetreveriee @emelia07 @f4iry-bell @zaraaaabear @thoughtdaughter3 @benny1989fredd @elysianwayy77 @maybxlle @sheisntyou @anintellectualintellectual @aleatorio1234 @adalia-jaycee @off-to-the-r4ces @lyra-kane @reminiscentreader @lyrakanefanatic @imaseabear @elizaa31

GRAYSON’S POV

Guilt has chewed me up and spat me out the whole walk back to our shared room. There’s a pulsating lump in my throat that aches relentlessly, reminding me of what I’ve done. I am a terrible person. I never deserved her and now I’ve done the worst thing I could’ve possibly done, that anyone on this whole planet could’ve ever done. And she will never forgive me for it. I wish there was a way to turn back time and alter certain events. As soon as the time machine is invented, no doubt by my very own brother Xander, I’m coming back to moments before now to stop my idiot brain from-

I can’t even think it. Maybe it’s because it makes it more real. It’s like the last few moments of my life have been erased from my brain, it’s a blank canvas and I have no paints. I know what I did but I can’t remember exact details. Still, I can taste her on my lips, an over sweet taste that was almost too sickly has now morphed into something bitter. Her perfume lingers on my clothes and adds to my ever growing headache. I don’t want to smell her, I don’t want the reminder of the awful human I have become. The monster that now inhabits my body, lives in my skin, breathes my air and poisons the people I love. The ones I truly love.

Y/n. At one point she was the only reason I was still existing, still carrying on. She somehow managed to give me the fight to keep carrying on. I got up most days because I knew I would get to see her face. And now I’m going to throw everything away, our whole relationship. Everything we’ve been through or planned to go through together. It will reduced to nothing in a few minutes.

I’m outside the door, my feet have carried me here through muscle memory. I must go in, I must face her I’m aware but I’m afraid. I’ve never felt so pathetic. I wonder if she is still asleep. Though, I can’t work out whether I’d rather she be awake or asleep. I don’t think I could bear to look at her angelic feature either way. Those wide eyes, round lips, heavenly- I can’t bear it, I’m going to lose her, all of her.

I fiddle around with the key, hoping the door will just never unlock so I don’t have to face this. The mechanism clicks, mocking me. I step in silently and face the door to lock back up again. I don’t understand why, I know I’ll be kicked out in a matter of seconds, what good will a locked door be? And yet I’m still facing the door, fumbling with the key, my back towards her. Though I can hear her getting out of bed. She’s awake. My body’s immediate response is to go into a state of paralysis. I can’t move as the guilt ridden cement hardens over my body, creating an outer shell of the cruel creature I’ve become. Her body is behind mine. I can feel her bright presence radiating her usual tentative nature.

“Are you okay?” I hear her whisper as she touches my arm so gently it stings.

It stings so sharply because I know what I’ve done. The shameful crime I’ve committed. I jerk away suddenly.

“Are you hurt?” she asks, deep concern in her tone.

It kills me. It’s a poisoned dagger wedged deep within my heart, hitting every vital artery. Her voice is so soft, so melodic. She cares so much, too much and I’m about to destroy it all. And as much as I could not say a word I couldn’t live a lie, the guilt would eat me alive. How could I look her in the eye and tell her she’d always been the only one when I know she hadn’t? She’d already noticed earlier today my distant mood. She had always been observant, vigilant about those things concerning me and I’d always been grateful. I wouldn’t have that anymore. Lyra had been on my mind earlier and I couldn’t tell her. Now she would realise.

“No,” I reply.

My voice is unfamiliar to myself, it’s sharp and blunt. It sounds horribly harsh. I could feel it hurt her, the air ripples with a touch of dimness when I hurt her. Even with my back to her it’s obvious to me. I know her so well, too well and from this day on we might drift to perfect strangers. That thought hurts me more than anything.

“Where have you been?” she says. Her voice so sweet, so innocent, cruelly naïve.

I don’t want to break her, I don’t want to do it. It would be like smashing a glass ballerina. Something so beautiful, something so delicate should be preserved not purposely broken. I force my eyes to meet hers. I immediately regret it. The soft mellow colour all melts into one, clawing at my heartstrings and ripping the organ to shreds. She’s so beautiful. How had I ever looked at any other? How had I let myself?

Suddenly I’m drowning in guilt. I don’t know how, it just comes over me suddenly. Like a tidal wave I had my back to. I’ve been swept under by an endless ocean of shame. My lungs swollen full of my own black sin. I don’t know how but I manage to choke out two shaky words.

“I’m sorry.”

My voice cracks. My voice never cracks. She knows that. I’m sturdy, I’m strong, I’m the rock that never breaks and here I am. Here I am crumbling into dust. She’s too smart to miss the signs, she’s too clever not to immediately know something so horribly wrong, her mind is too sharp not to have worked half of it out. She’d already been suspicious of Lyra. She’d already seen what might happen between us even before I did, before it did actually happen.

“Gray?” she asks, my name sounding too sweet on her tongue. The next time she says it will taste bitter, I’m sure of it. She barely whispers the word but I hear her, it rings in my mind. It forever will.

I’m full of pure regret and guilt, it wracks my soul, shaking me relentlessly back and forth until I’m dizzy with it. Remorse’s doors suddenly burst wide open, ready for my grand entrance. My hopes and dreams snicker and smirk smugly as I walk down the runway, my head hanging in embarrassment.

I need to tell her. My heart races in my chest and there’s a lump stuck in my throat, so large it’s started to block my airways. I don’t know how to get the words out, I don’t know how to talk. I feel like I’m suffering some sort of aneurysm. She looks at me, her eyebrows pinched in and eyes narrowed and then I see it. Her eyebrows part and slowly sink. She knows already.

“Tell me,” she murmurs, her voice of an angel shaking.

I close my eyes, trying to suppress the tears. I haven’t cried in years I’ve forgotten this feeling, this heavy weighted agony that ripples through me causing water to infiltrate my eyes. I bite the inside of my cheek and still my shaking hands.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, an uninvited raw desperation ripping through my voice, “I never wanted to hurt you, I never meant for it to happen, I-“

“Tell me,” she grits through her teeth sharply, her eyes glitter so beautifully fierce and fiery, like she wants to kill.

But I know she’s trying to steady her rising sadness by covering up with her fury. I can see through her, like she can see through me. I freeze and the pause elongates. The aching silence is deadly, it’s fatal. I wish she didn’t have to make me say it.

“I kissed her,” I murmur, the words making me feel sick as I say them.

“Who?” she asks, he tone low and ferocious, “who did you kiss? I want to hear you say it.”

I’m twisting a knife into her heart and I know it. But she wants me to cut deeper. She’s a woman of principle, I’ve already hurt her, I might as well do the job properly in her eyes. And I can’t deny her this. Not I’ve stripped her of her dignity, her trust, her love, her everything.

“I kissed Lyra,” I whisper, suddenly aware of the dampness on my cheeks.

A sour taste fills my mouth. The words send lightning sparks across my jaw, sending ribbons of agony down the sides of my face. The truth hurts. Literally. Tears are rolling the side of my face, but I don’t bring my hand to wipe them and nor do I stop them. I’ve never felt more broken.

But she doesn’t care, there is not pity in her eyes. Good. I don’t want he to pity me. She should hate me. She should want me to miserable and hope for me to have a lifetime of the torture I’ve just forced her to endure.

“Get out,” she murmurs, the anger bringing out her natural stunning features. A flicker of boldness in her eyes, the striking angles of her eyebrows, her strong thick lashes and her full lips.

“I’m sorry.” they’re the only words I remember how to say, through my internal fit of torment.

I expect her to hit me around the face, a good strong punch I know she can make or a sharp smack that’ll leave a red hand mark pressed against my cheek. I imagine she might scream at me and ask me all the questions I wish I had answers to. But she does none of that. She only looks at me darkly and utters two last words.

“Leave Grayson.”

I can hear the tears she’s trying to hold back, through the numb façade. I know her better than she’ll ever realise. But it’s not fair for me to stay, not after this. She’s only asking one thing of me when she should be doing so much more. So I do. I turn my back on her again. And I leave.

***

Tears pummel down my cheeks like never before. I can’t remember the last time I cried. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this. I’m blinded by them as I stumble sideways. I don’t know where I’m going. I stand on the edge of the cliff and sink to my knees, letting out a loud guttural scream. I’m there until my throat is so raw I can’t feel it. I bite my lip so hard it draws blood. And then I’m up again and running, following a path my footsteps are dragging me towards. I can’t think straight, I’m dizzy with pain. Before I know it I’m outside the safe house on the island. My hands tremor on the handle and I swing open the door, falling to the floor for my sobs to take me over. My chest aches and burns and tightens. That’s when I realise I can’t breathe properly. I fumble around for my phone, a tear splashing into the illuminated screen. With uncontrollably shaking hands, I typed no words. Just three numbers.

911

***

The wait feels like years, maybe even decades. Each second taunts me, with a mocking tick. I’d crumbled into the corner of the room at some point and stayed there, curled up and choking on my own sorry sobs. What had I done? What had I done? What had I done?

The question circles around my head like the nostalgia of a distorted tune of a merry go round. I’ve never made such a big mistake and my life and deep down there’s a sinking sensation that is telling me I’m not going to be able to make this better. I sob, loud harsh sobs that hurt my lungs and knock the air out of my stomach. My whole being shakes with every strangled noise that escapes my lips. Grieving. I’m grieving over something I chose to throw away. It’s cruelly ironic. But I think part of me is also grieving the good man I once thought myself to be, that she made me believe I could be.

I turned my back on the one and only person in this world who just cared about me, took me for who I am and believed I could do anything. She only wanted the best, she only wanted happiness and she deserved so much more and here I am, stabbing her in the back and dancing in her blood like a madman. She was my everything and I managed to mess it up, just like everything else in my life. I can’t have normal relationships, I can’t do something without messing it up. I’m one big screw up the opposite of how the old man raised me to be. He’s looking down on me now and I can feel his disappointment, like an infection coursing through my bloodstream. I failed him, I failed my brothers, I’ve failed her, I’ve failed myself.

She thought I was better, she believed I could be more than his expectation. And I was stupid enough to believe it, encourage it and let her belive the lie too. We’re all idiots.

I can recite her favourite song, her favourite flower, her favourite food and favourite colour. I can tell you all about her favourite novels and how she orders her books on an endless bookshelf. I know that she tells people her favourite film is ‘it’s a wonderful life’ but it’s actually secretly ‘tangled’. I know she prefers to stay inside and cuddle under blankets rather than have a night out. I know she’d rather reason a thousand books than watch a thousand movies. I know she wanted a library in her dream house and two, maybe three children with her husband and I know she’d sometimes debate about getting a cat as well. I know how she loves brownie batter more than the actual brownies and can’t sleep with any lights on. I know she still uses the bunny rhyme to tie her shoelaces and how she fiddles with her collarbone when she’s nervous. I know exactly what diamond she wanted in her engagement ring and her favourite country. I know what people she despises and I know what people she adores. I know every inch of her face, every hair on her head, every sparkle in her eyes and every cell on her skin.

I know her.

I know her, but that can’t help me now. Pain ripples across the left side of my chest and my hand clamps over it as I grit my teeth to try and bear it. I hear the door creek open and can’t tell whether it comforts me or not.

“Grayson pookie!” Xander calls out, “we’re here.”

His cheerful voice doesn’t provide me with the cushion to this pain I thought it might.

“And we have some in incredibly strong whisky,” Jameson adds, I can here the mischievous grin in his voice, it’s been the same all of his life.

“My nose hairs are officially burnt off,” Xander agrees.

I can’t speak. I try to call out for them but the words die in my swollen throat.

“Where are you Gray?” Nash calls out, he sounds a little more worried than the other two but is concealing it well.

“Here,” my voice is hoarse and laboured, even I can’t recognise it.

The mood immediately shifts, you can feel it. The air becomes tainted with concern as their footsteps approach my cowering figure. The case of whiskey is dropped as there is an audible thunk as it hits the floor. I can feel their bodies enveloping around mine creating something of a circle of safety. I look up to worried face and shiny eyes.

“Help me,” I gasp for air, greedily trying to gulp down the oxygen that I feel so deprived of, “please.”

“We’re here to help you Gray,” Nash murmurs softly. His voice had always been something comforting, especially when I was younger. I wonder if he will be so kind when I tell him what I’ve done. He’s going to hate me, there’s nothing he despises more than a man who can’t respect a woman.

I shake my head and choke out another struggling sob, instead of the words I don’t know how to say. Jameson’s eyes flit between mine and Nash’s, the concern rippling across his features. He’s never looked this concerned for me in his life. I think to all the times as children I’d helped him settle after a nightmare and wiped his tears that he hated falling when the old man had humiliated him. Oh how the tables had turned. Now it was my little brother wiping my tears.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, his touch so gentle it shocks me.

“I can’t-“ I barely get out, wrapping my hands around my neck.

“Gray…” he trails off, unmasked emotion hitting his face like a train.

“I can’t breathe,” I wheeze as the invisible blanket that was set out to suffocate me tightens over my nose and mouth.

“Hey, Gray, look at me,” Nash says, his voice smooth and reassuring, “in and out okay, in and out.”

“I can’t,” I pant, my limbs shaking embarrassingly uncontrollably.

Xander takes both of my hands into his and squeezes them until they still, “yes you can, follow Nash’s instructions okay?”

“Slowly, do it with me,” Nash nods, “in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

I do. In and out, a rhythmic pattern. Each time Nash reminds me how to breathe. There’s an aura of calmness about his voice that lulls my panic into a narcoleptic sleep. Once my breathing is halfway regulated I look at him, dead in the eye, with shaking sorrowful lips.

“I fucked up,” I sob, “I fucked up and I don’t know what to do.”

They all share a look, this is the worst state they’ve seen me and we all know it. I begin to pathetically sob uncontrollably once again, the feelings building up in my chest and tearing me apart from the inside out. It’s like a rabid pack of wolves had been set loose to feed on my internal organs. I don’t know how to stop the ocean of tears, I don’t know how to shut my mind off, I don’t know how to help myself. Reel myself in from this abominable mess I’ve become. I’m hyperventilating, my chest throbbing up and down unevenly. Nash nods towards Jameson, a short, soft, sharp nod of approval.

“Hey! Calm down!” Jameson snaps, giving me a hard slap around the face, “snap out of this!”

The shock shuts me up and the sting stops my tears. I’m back to reality instead of a wallowing mess. Nash must’ve been approving the slap I realise in the sudden cleared head I’d obtained

“Sorry,” Jameson mumbles at me, looking a little guilty.

I massage my jaw, “no I think I needed that.”

He grimaces and then softens his tone, “what happened Gray?”

I tense, growing very still, “I can’t say it out loud, I can’t, I’m awful, I’m horrible-“

“What happened?” Nash drawls.

I choke out yet another unnatural sound. Seems the slap didn’t snap me hard enough into reality. I exhale slowly. I have to say it, now or never.

“I kissed Lyra.”

The words hurt even more this time, that they did when I’d admitted it to y/n. Neither one of my brothers can mask their honest reaction.

“Oh fuck,” Jameson blurts out, “you cheated?”

Anger. He’s fuming with me. I can see the rage trailing through his eyes and blossoming into his expression.

“I didn’t mean to,” I reply, feeling like a small child.

Jameson’s eyes widen and fury flashes across his face, “how can you not mean-“

Nash shoots him a look and his mouth glues shut. Then he turns to me and I can’t quite read him yet. I gulp.

“No one does that kind of thing for no reason,” he says sternly, “I never thought you’d be the one of the four of us to ever do that, seems I was mistaken little brother.”

Disappointment. He’s disappointed. A horrible sinking feeling settles in my stomach. Nash is disappointed in me. It’s one of the worst feelings imaginable. There had only been few times in my life when he had been and I remember the feeling all too well. Shame has me in a chokehold an it’s succeeding in strangling me. I can‘t bring myself to meet his eyes, I don’t want to see that look I can feel is on his face, that look of pure disapproval.

“How did she find out?” Xander asks quietly.

Shock. He hadn’t said anything until now, but his lips had been slightly parted and he’d paled a little. He never thought I’d do this to anyone, he’s yet another person I’ve let down.

“I told her,” I murmur, “the guilt was consuming me.”

“As it should,” Jameson snaps, twitching with a fiery ferocity.

“Jamie,” Nash says, trying to keep some kind of diplomacy.

“No,” he growls, “you don’t do that to a girl, your girl, you can’t do that!”

“Don’t take the moral highground now,” I spit.

“When you’ve cheated on your girlfirend? Yeah I think I will,” he replies, the bitterness rolling off of his tongue like a deadly poison. He doesn’t know I’ve already poisoned myself with my own actions, his words can’t hurt me.

“I didn’t mean to,” I falter.

“Bullshit,” he grits through his teeth, in two definitive and threatening symbols.

“Careful Jamie,” Nash warns.

“All this is your fault anyway,” I continue, ignoring the warning.

“So it’s my fault, you kissed another girl, yeah, okay Gray,” he nods his head with a sarcastic smile.

“It is!” I exclaim, throwing my hands in the air, “if you hadn’t locked me in a room with her-“

“So it’s my fault you couldn’t keep up dick under control,” he quips, interrupting me.

“You could’ve locked me with my one of my sisters but of course you just had choose the only girl who isn’t related to me,” I seethe.

“Odette isnt related to you,” Xander pipes up. I’d forgotten he was there, that anyone besides me and Jameson were there.

“Odette is old enough to be my grandmother,” I scowl at him, immediately feeling bad as the words leave my lips, but don’t dwell on it as I turn back to Jameson, “why did you make me a player in your sick excuse of a game?”

“You can’t use the game as an excuse,” he laughs darkly.

“I will,” I reply sharply, “this is your fault and Avery’s fault too.”

“Avery? Don’t make me laugh,” he rolls his eyes.

“The game never should’ve been created by her,” I yell, “that’s why I’m in this mess!”

“No, you’re in this mess because of you,” he shouts back, “but don’t you dare bring Avery in to this it’s not her fault.”

I feel like I’m one of those circus acts, the ones that lay on a spinning board and get knives hurled at them. Only in my case the knives are the truth and they actually hit me.

“Why did you make me a player?” I ask quieter now, my voice hoarse, “why?”

“I didn’t know making you a player would result in this,” he says.

“It was so irreverent,” I snap becoming angrier by the second, a sudden burst of red overriding any rational sense in my head, “I never needed to play.”

“You can’t pin this on me Gray, if it didn’t happen with Lyra, who knows who else it would’ve happened with,” he hisses.

“So you think I’m just like this? You think this is me?” I ask him, prodding the hollow space where my heart used to be.

“I didn’t before….” he trails off, sighing, “but now I don’t know what the fucking think of you.”

“Jamie,” Nash repeats again, in the same warning tone as before. We both ignore him.

“Just because you and Avery are all peaches and roses-“

“Leave Avery out of your anger issues,” he roars defensively.

“No,” I counter, raising an eyebrow, mirroring his usual argument demeanour, “you think you’re so perfect now you’ve got your dream girl and the two of you are so much better off than the rest of us, because your love is undeniable or whatever bullshit people feed you about it-“

Jameson’s features twitch for a split second. He’s hurt, but won’t show it. He’ll refuse but I know that it hit a nerve that won’t heal for a long time. I stop mid-sentence.

“I am far from perfect, I think we both know that,” he says, in a low voice, “look you’re hurting, I get it, but I’m not going to mollycoddle you and tell you it’s okay when it’s not. I’m not going to stand here and lie to your face because as your brother that would be the worst possible thing for me to do to you.”

“My brother would try and understand what it’s like from my side,” I say, desperation clawing at my voice.

“You’re looking for a fight Grayson and it’s not going to end well, not with me,” he warns, shaking his head.

“Maybe I do want a fight, but you know you do too,” I growl rolling up my sleeves, “so fine, I’ll give you a fight Jamie.”

“I don’t want a fight, I want some justice for y/n,” he states simply, “she did nothing to deserve that Gray, she’s been so good to you, the sweetest soul on this earth and she’s helped you through a lot of shit and this is how you’re repaying her?”

“Jameson,” Nash says.

He ignores him for the third time and I can see his calm facade beginning to drop, “you think because you called a 911 and you’re here crying that I should feel sorry for you?”

“I thought you were going to be here for me,” I reply numbly, my tone dead, “clearly I’m mistaken.”

“I can’t be there for someone with no morals,” he replies, “you cheated and you’re the one who’s upset about it, how do you think she feels?”

“You think I don’t know her?” I fire back, my throat burning, “you think I don’t know exactly what she’s doing right now? I hate myself, I hate myself for doing what I did!”

“Good you should!” he screams back.

Before I know it I feel myself charges towards him, ready to throw a good punch but Nash and Xander launch onto me to quickly and managing to hold me back. Nash’s grip is so tight I don’t dare try and budge.

“Out. Now.” Nash says sharply to Jameson, “go and cool off.”

His tone sends a shiver down my spine that I won’t admit to. Jameson opens his mouth to argue.

“Jameson.”

He skulks away, with a sullen face. We all wait frozen until the door has been slammed shut. Nash lets my arm go, dropping it harshly and Xander follows suit.

“And you’re no better,” he turns to me, placing his cowboy hat on a nearby surface, “I’m only sending him away because you can’t be left alone in this mess and so the two of you don’t rip each other to pieces.”

Silence stills the room. His voice echoes but makes no sound all at the same time.

“Take a second, take a breath and we’re going to talk this through like adults,” he says, “if you want to carry on being a child then leave. Calm down, you’re not a toddler having a tantrum, you’re a grown man, act like it.”

Nash has a way of snapping me back to reality. I nod shakily.

“Talk.”

I begin, “I don’t even know why I kissed her, I didn’t mean to it just-“

“Happened?” he guesses, “no little brother, that doesn’t just happen.”

“The I don’t know Nash,” I say, tipping my head back and resting it on the wall behind me.

I hadn’t meant for it to happen. I didn’t want it to happen. It just did. She was there, just stood there. Her hands looped naturally around the back of my neck, warm and gentle, “someone sent me that ticket Grayson. I thought it was Avery but if it wasn’t…”

She trails off, her voice small and tentative. Her golden eyes filled with the utmost worry. I wanted her to know she’d be okay, that she’d have someone to keep her safe. Her arms get more comfortable around my neck. She’d felt it too, the electrifying spark between us. It was exhilarating but something about it was off, synthetic.

“Then who the hell was it?” I questioned, my hands magnetised to her cheek all of a sudden.

Lyra didn’t pull away and neither did I. I lower my head and she raised onto her toes and titled hers back a little. She was graceful, like a dancer. My lips brushed over hers. They were sweet like honey. For the first few moments it was bliss and the realisation hit, like a stone to my stomach. I jerked backwards suddenly, shaking my head.

“I can’t do this,” I said, my fingers trying to wipe her taste off of my lips, “I don’t- this isn’t-“

I was tongue-tied, not able to explain to her how wrong it was. The words wouldn’t work the way I wanted them to.

“Gray?” Lyra murmurs, a tender voice. Her amber eyes are widened and slightly confused.

“No,” I yell. She flinches and another wave of horribly strong emotion rushes over me, drowning me. “No I’m in love with someone else. I don’t know what that was. I can’t-“

I stumbled backward a few steps and the turned around and ran. Like the coward that I am.

“It did just happen,” I murmur, lifting my head from the wall to look my older brother in eye, “I swear to god, I didn’t intend for it to happen, I didn’t even know I had feelings for her.”

I can see he disagrees still and isn’t convinced. I don’t know how to prove it to him.

“Let’s establish one thing here, who do you like?” Xander asks me.

“I like Lyra,” I say slowly, “but I love y/n.”

Nash shakes his head, “if you loved her you wouldn’t have done that.”

“I made a mistake,” I press on.

“And you will pay for it and regret it for the rest of your life,” he shrugs, “it’s not what you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. Listen, I love Libby and loving someone means so many things. One of those things is that I don’t even look at other women, to me they don’t even really exist. Libby is my world and no one else even comes into the equation, so the fact is someone else came into the equation for you, meaning the love wasn’t there.”

“But it was, I felt it,” I say, my voice breaking as I press my chest.

“What do you feel for Lyra?” he asks plainly.

“I don’t know, she’s intriguing and smart and beautiful,” I murmur, “and I like her, but I don’t know if I have romantic feelings for her.”

“Then why did you kiss her?”

“Comfort? Lust? Greed? Selfishness? I don’t know it just happened,” I repeat for what feels like the hundredth time.

“Stop using that phrase as a get out clause,” Nash shakes his head, “you have to admit to yourself more than anyone that this didn’t just happen.”

“I leaned in and I put my lips of hers, and I didn’t stop it, it didn’t feel wrong straight away,” I admit out loud finally.

“It didn’t?” Xander says, looking wounded.

“No, it didn’t feel wrong until I realised what I’d done,” I say, looking down, suddenly finding my shoelaces to be the most interesting thing in the world.

No one replies for a long while. That’s when I realise how exhausted I truly am and how much I crave sleep.

“I vouched for you,” Xander says quietly, “I told her that you’d never do that, that you weren’t that guy.”

“I’m not,” I say, in denial at first. I take a moment to analyse his sentence and then come to a sickening realisation, “oh my god I am…”

“She was already anxious about where your loyalties were Gray,” he winces.

“I proved her right, I proved every worry she had right, I just proved to her that she shouldn’t have trusted me,” I spiral, hating that I hadn’t seen it sooner.

Xander looks to Nash for support for a reply.

“Yeah,” Nash sighs, “you did.”

“I need to fix this, there has to be a way-“

“Grayson,” the acuteness of his voice cuts through my sentence like a machete.

I freeze and clamp my mouth firmly shut.

“This isn’t a broken vase, you can’t glue it back together or buy a new one,” he tells me softly.

He was referring to a time where Jameson and I had been seven and eights years old. We’d been brawling of course, Hawthorne style and accidentally smashed a vase. Usually it wouldn’t matter, there were vases all over Hawthorne House and they were smashed frequently. But this wasn’t just any vase. It was nan’s priceless vase that had belonged to her daughter, our grandmother, Alice. We were never allowed within a five mile radius of it, but like the rebellious children we were, we didn’t listen. Through our fight we’d smashed the whole thing, it was truly destroyed. The two of us stayed up for nights on need gluing together the pieces only to realise it was never going to look like the original again. So we’d hunted to buy another, problem was, this vase was one of a kind. It turned out after four weeks or trying to ship a similar one in that nan had known the whole time. She didn’t speak to either of us for a good few months.

“This is real life, she is a real person and you hurt her,” he explains, “fixing this isn’t an option. There isn’t a way to fix it, there are no pieces to our back together, okay?”

I’m silent but it’s the loudest voice in the room. My face pinches together in agony. For the first time, a little of the disappointment fades and my brother’s face softens. He wraps a strong arm around me and I flop into him like a lifeless bag of nothingness. I bury my head into his shoulder and try to cry but there seems to be no tears left. He understands and holds me for a moment. Suddenly I’m six years old again and crying in Nash’s in my arms over Jameson hiding my favourite teddy bear at the time, then I’m eleven in his arms with pneumonia after being stupid enough to get caught in the rapids un the dead of winter wanting a good photograph of a rare fish, then I’m seventeen, crying over a redheaded girl who I thought I’d managed to murder. And now here I am, at twenty-two years old in his grasp once again, having made the greatest mistake of my life.

Suddenly I feel another set of arms wrap around the both of us.

“Group hug!” a familiar voice sings.

Leave it to Xander to make me crack a half smile in the darkest moments I’ve ever experienced. After a while I pull away and sigh.

“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?” I ask, pulling away.

“Honestly?” Xander asks.

I nod

“No,” he says. I wish I could see that little glimmer of a lie in his eyes, but I can’t. And it kills me.

“Think about it like this,” he sighs, “would you forgive Eve for what she did?”

“This is not the same thing,” I reply coldly.

“Eve cheated your trust, she betrayed you,” he explains gently, “that’s exactly how she feels.”

Dread fills my every pore as I murmur lifelessly, “I’m as bad as Eve.”

“No wait,” he says, looking guilty and panicked all at the same time, “that’s not what I meant!”

“I know,” I reassure him so some of his guilt subsides, “but it’s true and now I’ve just realised.”

“Look Gray, you aren’t Eve. You’re never going to be Eve, but think of how you felt then. That’s how y/n feels,” Nash soothes, “she’s not going to just forgive you, that’s not how it works.”

“You just broke her heart Gray,” Xander adds, careful to keep his tone as light as a feather, “for a girl you just met.”

“Why am I horrible person? Why do I always find a way to mess to something good?” I groan, smacking my head on the wall behind me. There’s an audible thump as pain spreads through the back of my skull. I wonder if I can concuss myself to forget all of this, but I don’t attempt the idea.

“You don’t-“

“No I do,” I say firmly, cutting him off, “I’m not meant for love, to love or to be loved, I’m not built for it. I’m not a good enough person for it. I’m never going to find my Libby or my Max or my Avery.“

“Grayson-“ Nash begins.

“Emily knew it and now so does y/n,” I snap.

My brothers still at her name, not moving a muscle. I never bring up Emily.

“Listen to me,” Nash says sharply, getting my attention, “you are meant to be loved. You are meant to love. I love you, Xander loves you, Jameson loves you and y/n loved you too…”

The change of tense makes my soul ache.

“…but this time around, you made a mistake, a costly mistake. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love.”

I nod numbly, robotically.

“What can I do to make it up to her?” I ask, my voice beginning to tremble, “to show her I’m sorry? Something there has to be something.”

Nash gives me a grim look and Xander’s face remains blank, they’re the only answers I need. My head sinks into my hands. The door reopens and I look back up. Jameson has returned.

He meets my eyes, “Avery’s with her.”

Blood surges through my heart and I can almost smile. He checked on her. For me.

“Is she okay?” I ask quickly.

Jameson looks at me and for a split second I almost see the ghost concern is his eyes. He shakes his head softly, “no, but she will be,” he replies, it’s an attempt to comfort me and I am grateful.

“Thank you,” I mumble.

“I’m not apologising for what I said, because I still stand by it and you won’t change my mind,” Jameson says, “but I am sorry for being so angry about it.”

“You were right,” I whisper, “you were right about me. I never deserved her, so was nothing but an angel to me and I just turned around and threw it all away. I abused the luxury I had, I stabbed her in the back and then gifted another with the knife, I’m a horrible person.”

“What you did was wrong, but that’s doesn’t make you a horrible person,” he sighs, “you need time Gray, this is going to take a lot of healing. On both sides.”

“I don’t deserve to heal, I deserve to be in pain,” I murmur, the dullness in my tone echos around the empty walls.

“Oh no, we’re not going back to emo Grayson,” Xander says quickly, shaking his head.

“I agree with Xander on this one,” Nash nods, readjusting his cowboy hat.

“I don’t want to hear you blasting my chemical romance at three a.m and then denying it later again, you came out of that phase we’re not going back there,” Jameson tells me.

I bark out a laugh that thaws my icy chest. I then bite the inside of my cheek.

“I can’t fix this, can I?” I say, looking at the ground,

Nash shakes his head softly.

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t be fixed,” Xander says.

“You’ll get through this Gray,” Jamie agrees, “I know it.”

The room grows still.

“Can we drink that whiskey now?” I ask, to cut through the silence. I feel like getting drunk, I feel like I need some relief.

“Big brother,” Xander nods at Nash handing him the bottle.

“Little brother,” he tips his cowboy hat in reply before taking the bottle into his hands and cracking it open.

“Let me pour these things properly,” Nash grins, “Jamie, come help.”

“Wait me too!” Xander jumps up,

“Stay with Gray,” he shakes his head.

“I don’t need to be babysat,” I grumble, annoyance written all over my face.

“I want to watch them pour whiskey properly,” Xander explains, “so I can impress Max.”

My eyebrows fly to my forehead, “Max drinks?”

“No I want to impress her though,” he grins.

‘You’re an odd human,” I almost laugh, tilting my head to the side.

“Why ta very much!” he says, almost skipping away.

Once I know they’re all gone, I lean back on the wall, my heart feeling a tiny bit less heavy. The pain isn’t gone. I think I’ve just gone numb. I feel hollow, empty, nothingness. Guilt is still gnawing at my insides but slower. A satifying clink against the fragile rim of the glass takes me out of my own head for a split second. There are hushed voices from the kitchen, I notice. I walk over to the door that lay ajar, I lean in to listen.

“We need to tell him,” it sounds like Jameson.

“Not now,” the accent indicates Nash.

“Then when?” Xander’s voice asks, “how long can we prolong it.”

“I can hear you,” I tell them, raising my voice a little.

They turn to face me, awkwardly remaining silent. The expressions on their faces don’t offer me comfort.

“Whatever it is, spit it out,” I say, “it’s not like tonight could get any worse.”

They share a look. Apparently it can. I feel sick to my stomach.

I can barely breathe, “who died?”

“No one has died,” Xander says quickly, “yet.”

“What?” I say, my tone deadly,

Nash glares at him, then turns back to me. There’s sorrow laced delicately, deep within his hazel irises.

“Gray,” he says gently, “Gray we hate to do this but…”

“What? What is it?” I ask urgently.

“Gigi’s missing.”

The words shock me to my core. I feel my throat begin the close up as panic returns with a smirk and triumphant greeting. My whole world has collapsed in less than 24 hours.

***

YOUR POV

I don’t hate him. Call me naive or call me stupid. But I don’t. I don’t think I ever could. The kind of love I have for him is unconditional, irrevocable. Time can’t heal a wound this deep and although it is still fresh now, I can tell. But if he were to say sorry I think I would forgive him every time. And if he asked me back I’d fall into his arms into an instant. And I hate myself for it, it’s stupid and it’s a little cruel. How easily I would take him back after what he did. I know I shouldn’t but something inside of me is drawn to him. Like an invisible magnet has been planted in our hearts. I wish I didn’t love so hard, fall so deeply, maybe I wouldn’t get hurt so badly. But it’s in my nature, it’s who I am. I wonder if he knows how much pain I’m in, the rippling agony that rolls across my chest relentlessly with no hint as to when it will cease. I’m tired of being the second choice but unfortunately I wouldn’t mind being his. And I know it’s completely stupid of me to think that way, completely wrong but love makes you do stupid things so they say. I sit on the beach, by the sea in a state of numbness. Silent tears roll down my tears as the waves lap my feet. Deja vu washes over me and the memories of Grayson and I the night of the game flash through my mind.

I grip his hand and run with him as he guides me the just beyond the shore. He sits down swiftly on the sand and pulls me down to sit between his legs. I lean my back onto his chest and let him nuzzle his face into my collarbone.

“I love you,” he whispers, kissing my neck, “only you.”

Only me, huh? Only me…

The waves crash against the rocks, hurtling a salty spray towards me. I hear footsteps and turn around. Avery stands there, a mournful expression over her delicate face. She knows. I stumble towards her and collapse into her arms in a fit of uncontrollable sobs now and she holds me. Her touch is gentle and warm but it’s nothing compared to his. I realise he might never hold me in his arms again and I cry even harder.

***

I don’t hold Lyra accountable. She is not to blame. Some girls in my position might dream about different ways to brutally murder her but I can only ask what comfort would it bring me? My feelings are already dead, what good is more pain doing?

There was a choice that Grayson Hawthorne was given: his dancer or his angel. He chose his dancer and I hope he’s happy. Because angels have wings and we rise up stronger.

idk guys I think I wrote Grayson’s POV really awfully to be honest… also I feel like the 911 meet up was not like their normal ones where they try and like do something (e.g drink or dare) and then talk about the pain but that’s bc Grayson was in such a mess and then they had to drop the bomb that Gigi was missing. so anywayyyss…

I am sorry this took so long and I hope it lived up to any expectation you wanted it too (sorry if it didn’t) and I hope you enjoyed 🤍🤍 thanks for reading as always

TIG masterlist

[jkriordanverse]

HALLOWEEN TAG GAMEEEEEEE

do this uquiz, tell me what's in your bag and make your own Coraline doll :)))

Tagging: @clarissaweasley-10 @reyreadersblog @isthataraccoon @never-enough-novels @f4iry-bell

@randomfandom-3 @lost-my-head-in-the-clouds @s-rosie @mrs-jameson-hawthorne @pockyyasii

@mt-jupiter @inmyheaddd @aliciaverse @phuongwn2711 @wraith--2

@finnslay @his-littlefox @x-liv25-jamieswife @lyrakanefanatic @myfairkatiecat

@harukanaaaa @starrynightsxo @mariamluv @kit4strophe

@123letsgobestie @lila-77 @whatsuplin @arthur-side @apollosmusee

+ open tags

[xo-zozo]

Angsty javery hcs?

angsty averyjameson headcannons •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

a/n : ik i just posted them but this was winning the poll that i posted by a landslide. if you have any requests, put it in my inbox and i'll get to it as fast as i can! also let me know if you want to be added to the taglist. enjoy! (sorry this is really short)

tags : @your-mommy-ems @arqbella @reminiscentreader @x-liv25-jamieswife @inmyheaddd

@alwaysthefangirl @clarissaweasley-10 @off-to-the-r4ces @annamatix @lyrakanefanatic

@123letsgobestie @hathorneheiress @midiosaamor

for avery's first few birthdays that they were together, it was always hard for jameson to not think about emily but after a couple of years he practically forgot about it and got more comfortable

the first time that jameson told her that he loved her he actually got really anxious and was stressing about it for days until they finally sat down and talked about it

sometimes he would find her crying after they fought and he would literally break down because of how bad he felt for making her cry

really early in their relationship she would sometimes find him alone and drunk during gala's and stuff and she would have to take him home early and take care of him

even though he would be drunk he would feel so bad for ruining her night and start apologizing over and over again (so where's the fic?)

sometimes he would just get hurt and she would get really stressed and try to help him with his injuries

she sometimes gets really nervous around paparazzi and in interviews so sometimes jameson interjects when he notices that she doesn't feel good

when they first started dating she would apologize for everything even if she didn't do anything wrong

the media comes up with a lot of rumors about jameson and her, sometimes even things as bad as him cheating on her and they always have to check and make sure the other is feeling okay after reading those things

one of the things that he's good at is distractions so whenever she would have a panic attack he would distract her and make her laugh so she could feel better

he always hands out with her on the anniversary of her mom's death and make sure that no one else talks to her so she can just take the day off (even if she doesn't want to take the day off herself)

the first time they fought avery stayed in her room the whole time after and cried until libby told jameson that and he went and made up with her

he always defends her in arguments even though he doesn't understand what anyone's talking about half of the time

whenever they argue he buys her gifts and leaves them for her before going and apologizing in person

avery always thinks that their arguments are her fault so she always tries to apologize first but he beats her to it

[midiosaamor]

What’s your favorite headcanon or blurb someone has written about Grayson Hawthorne?

hmhmmhmmmhmhmjmmmmmm i think my favorite blurb written was probably something by @littlemissmentallyunstable or @kit4strophe or @inmyheaddd and @brokenheartsrecords (though they write fanfics) and my fav hcs were PROBALLYLYLYBBB written by @f4iry-bell, @xo-zozo, and @never-enough-novels

[grandestheart]

KISS ME PLEASE? Grayson Hawthorne x reader

★ characters ~ grayson hawthorne, fem!reader

★ synopsis ~ you and grayson are cuddling in bed... even though he’s supposed to be in a meeting right now, he refuses to leave your side.

★ taglist 🏷️ ~ @nqds @urbanflorals @sophiesonlinediary @lxvebelle @x-liv25-jamieswife @shuhuaspookie @sunsetovertheocean @never-enough-novels @lanterns-and-daydreams @inmyheaddd lmk if you want to be added

★ request by @lxvebelle

★ a/n ~ this is my first time writing for a while since i’ve had a little break, i have five reqs to do and then my requests will be open again!!

you rolled over in your soft bed, your boyfriends strong arms wrapped around you. “gray..” you mumbled softly into his chest, “we need to get up, you have a meeting in like- ten minutes.” The only response you got from Grayson was a soft groan, and his head nuzzling into you neck. “Gray, you seriously need to get up.” grayson opened one sleepy eye, “sweetheart, just five more minutes,” grayson pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, “you can’t seriously be so eager to get rid of me already?”

your face flushed red, “n-no that’s not what I meant at all, it’s just, I wouldn’t want you to miss your meeting and your boss getting upset.” Grayson, still face first in the cushions, turned to look at you. “My boss?” he raised an eyebrow, “do you mean Avery? because if so then I’m sure we’ll be fine.” If you knew Grayson at all, you knew that once he wanted something, he wouldn’t stop until he got it. Defeated, you slumped back into your bed, Graysons winning smile spreading from ear to ear. “Shut up, pretty boy.” You playfully smacked his arm, “not if it gets me kisses.” He retaliated. You went back and forth for a few minutes before it ultimately ended with you snuggled into Graysons chest.

Grayson was drawing with his finger on your neck, his cool skin against your warm skin

“Grayson.”

“y/n”

“What are you doing?” Grayson removed his finger from your neck, “nothing of importance, angel.” he placed his head where his finger was just seconds ago. “y/n.” you replied with a mumbled mhm, “kiss me, please?”