#individualcounsling

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RELATIONSHIPS ARE MEANT TO LAST

I know, you probably think I’m absolutely bogus for making that claim…

especially in the face of going through divorce.

After all, if love was meant to last, wouldn’t YOUR relationship of all relationships had lasted? ESPECIALLY with how deeply in love you were with each other when you got married?

I know, I’ve been there.

When I first got married, I just knew I’d be the one to avoid the crash & burn of marriages that people are always warning you about.

After all, we were really in love.

And I did avoid it. For 17 years.

And then, one day, my husband told me he was committed to another woman and left me. Just like that.

I was devastated, and for the first time knew what it would actually feel like to die of a broken heart.

Wasn’t he supposed to be the one?

Weren’t we in love?

And more importantly…. WHAT on earth had I done wrong to drive him away from me like that?

Hi, I’m Dr. Deborah Hecker, and since my own divorce, I’ve committed my life to helping people to reinvent themselves as post-divorce individuals and to learn the ingredients of successful, long-lasting relationships.

Divorce is one of the most upsetting times in our lives, and the statistics show, that if we don’t navigate it correctly, we’re doomed to repeat our mistakes.

Because while 41% of first-union marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages do, and 73% of third marriages fail.

It’s not because we don’t “learn our lessons” about money, sex, or gender roles. It’s because we don’t learn our lessons about what triggers us in relationships (romantic or not), and HOW to heal and communicate about those things.

So if you’re wondering WHY your marriage ended… or how you even ended up considering divorce from a person you used to love sooooo much, I’ve put together a 6-part email series for you, that you can have in your inbox today, and get the pieces to start to understand WHAT happened to your marriage within 15 minutes.

Visit - Online Divorce Counseling in USA

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Our culture today seems to feed on stories of infidelity. Our televisions and social media are constantly flooded with news of the latest scandals in Hollywood or professional sports. But the stories that rock us the hardest are those that hit closer to home. Whether it’s our neighbor, our child’s classmate’s parents, a relative, or even our own relationship, my bet is all of us have witnessed or experienced up close the catastrophic effects of an affair. Several of you asked about this topic on one of my recent Facebook Live segments so I want to spend the next few weeks covering various topics related to AFFAIRS.

Affairs are tough. They are tough on the betrayed and the betrayer. And truthfully, they are tough for the therapist too. Over the next few weeks we’ll talk plenty about the devastation an affair causes and the effort it takes to move past that kind of betrayal. But, in the end, what I really want to show you is a road to HOPE….hope your marriage can not only survive, but thrive, after infidelity. It is not an easy road and it’s not for the faint of heart, but I’ve personally seen many couples fight past the pain and devastation and rebuild a marriage stronger and more intimate than before.

But before we go any further, let’s talk about the myths related to affairs.

Myth 1:  Affairs only happen in unhappy marriages

Actually, affairs happen in good marriages too.  An affair is not always a sign there was something wrong in the relationship.  Sometimes it is as simple as a combination of opportunity, attraction and a lack of good boundaries, which is why affair prevention tactics are good exercises for even strong, healthy relationships.

Myth 2:  Affairs are always about sexual or physical attraction

Affairs are often about how good someone makes you feel about yourself.  It is intoxicating to be around someone who is in the infatuation stage and makes you feel you special.  Often that thrill is confused for love, but it is more about how affair partner makes you feel rather than how you feel about him/her.

Myth 3: Most of the time a person knows on some level their partner is cheating.

The truth is most affairs go undetected. Some people are masterful liars and good at compartmentalizing so they can detach from their shame and guilt.  I often hear partners say they “should have known” or they carry some burden of guilt for not knowing.  No one likes to feel foolishly naive but most of us are when it comes to believing our spouse is capable of this kind of betrayal.

However, there are some signs that could be an indication your partner is cheating.

Signs of an affair

Despite their best attempts to cover it up, when a spouse is having an affair there are typically signs to indicate infidelity may be at play. Here are some of the common ones:

Your spouse has pulled away from you emotionally. You aren’t talking or sharing the day’s events unless it involves the kids or running the household. You’ve become roommates instead of partners.Your spouse has pulled away sexually.Your spouse has become more sexual than normal, wanting sex more frequently and encouraging more experimentation.Your spouse may be overcome with guilt and giving you more attention than normal. This can look like the unfaithful spouse buying you gifts to overcompensate for their immoral behavior.Your spouse spends more time away from home. This could look like working unusually late, taking overnight trips for work or gaps of time for which they can’t account.You notice unusual charges or missing money.Your spouse is guarding their phone and will never let it out of their sight.Your spouse has changed or set up new passwords on phone and email and has not given you access.Your spouse is texting more than usual.Your spouse is up late on the computer or tablet several nights a weekYour spouse stops saying “I love you”.

Before you read these and make too many assumptions, one or two of these signs does NOT necessarily mean there is an affair.  And to accuse your spouse of an affair based on those grounds, I can assure you will not be helpful to you or your relationship.  But, if your spouse is exhibiting several of these signs together, it warrants having a discussion.

How to Speak To Your Spouse If You See Signs of an Affair

If you suspect your spouse has been unfaithful, the way you confront the situation is of utmost importance. First, you need to maintain appropriate boundaries. Betrayed spouses have a tendency to feel very justified. Using your spouse’s betrayal (or suspected betrayal) as justification for violating his/her privacy and trust by snooping for evidence is typically a really bad idea. You’ll simply be trading one kind of betrayal for another.

Ideally, you want find a time when you and your spouse aren’t particularly irritated with each other and sit down and have a conversation. I always teach my clients that difficult conversations – if you want them to go well – must come from a place of vulnerability. Below is a road map for a productive approach to this conversation.

Discuss your own feelings. This means you talk more about your feelings than your spouse’s behavior. Calmly share with your spouse your insecurity with the relationship and tell them why, without attacking or sounding critical. Letting your spouse know you’ve noticed changes and feel anxious about the possibility he/she may be involved with someone else is the goal.

Listen & recognize their concerns. Give him/her the opportunity to explain without interruption or judgment. Sometimes there are other circumstances other than an affair to explain the unusual behavior you’ve noticed. Your spouse may be under a lot of pressure at work or may be going through something else he/she hasn’t previously shared. Initially, affair or not, expect your spouse to almost certainly deny any involvement.

More Transparency.  If at this point of the conversation you still sense something is off and feel unsettled about the situation, I recommend you ask for more transparency. Say “Thank you for the reassurance,” and then tell your spouse you need more transparency. More transparency could look like access to passwords and permission to look at phones and email. It could also mean additional check-ins when your spouse is going to be out later than usual. The extra transparency needs to be communicated as temporary, to help you feel more secure about the relationship.

For some spouses, even faithful ones, the fact that you question their fidelity may upset them initially. But handled calmly and from a place of vulnerability, most spouses will comply with the request for transparency. If the request for transparency makes your spouse angry however, it is a good sign there is something more going on. And if your spouse flat out refuses to give you more transparency, this may also be an indication of infidelity.

We will continue to unpack affairs and how to recover from an unfaithful spouse in the weeks to come. If you do find out there has been an affair, I encourage you to seek help from a marriage counselor or coach with experience with affair recovery, who can help you sort through your feelings and decide on a plan of action.  

Visit - How do I know if my Spouse is Having an Affair? - The Marriage Place

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RELATIONSHIPS ARE MEANT TO LAST

I know, you probably think I’m absolutely bogus for making that claim…

especially in the face of going through divorce.

After all, if love was meant to last, wouldn’t YOUR relationship of all relationships had lasted? ESPECIALLY with how deeply in love you were with each other when you got married?

I know, I’ve been there.

When I first got married, I just knew I’d be the one to avoid the crash & burn of marriages that people are always warning you about.

After all, we were really in love.

And I did avoid it. For 17 years.

And then, one day, my husband told me he was committed to another woman and left me. Just like that.

I was devastated, and for the first time knew what it would actually feel like to die of a broken heart.

Wasn’t he supposed to be the one?

Weren’t we in love?

And more importantly…. WHAT on earth had I done wrong to drive him away from me like that?

Hi, I’m Dr. Deborah Hecker, and since my own divorce, I’ve committed my life to helping people to reinvent themselves as post-divorce individuals and to learn the ingredients of successful, long-lasting relationships.

Divorce is one of the most upsetting times in our lives, and the statistics show, that if we don’t navigate it correctly, we’re doomed to repeat our mistakes.

Because while 41% of first-union marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages do, and 73% of third marriages fail.

It’s not because we don’t “learn our lessons” about money, sex, or gender roles. It’s because we don’t learn our lessons about what triggers us in relationships (romantic or not), and HOW to heal and communicate about those things.

So if you’re wondering WHY your marriage ended… or how you even ended up considering divorce from a person you used to love sooooo much, I’ve put together a 6-part email series for you, that you can have in your inbox today, and get the pieces to start to understand WHAT happened to your marriage within 15 minutes.

Visit - https://www.drdeborahhecker.com

[mounicalucia-blog]

Should you save your marriage or not? Determining the appropriate course of action means figuring out if your problems can be solved – and more importantly, if you want to solve them.

What happens when your spouse isn’t sure they want to save the marriage or not? Should you stay or should you go? Traditional marriage counseling won’t help in this situation. In fact, it can make things worse!

Discernment Counseling, also known is as “Stay-or-Go”, is about clarity. Your clarity. It is for those who are considering divorce but want to be sure this is the right path for them. If you want to take one more look before making a permanent decision with long term consequences, Discernment Counseling is what you need.

Discernment Counseling helps couples better understand what’s happened to their relationship, so they can decide whether to break up or work to repair it. It’s very different from traditional marriage or relationship counseling because this kind of counseling is not about solving the problems; it’s about figuring out whether the problems can be solved.

Who needs discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling is designed primarily for couples where one partner is leaning out of the marriage and the other wants to stay together and fix the problems; or where both spouses are questioning whether staying together is the right thing to do. In Discernment Counseling you can expect to:

Gain clarity and confidence about what steps to take next with your marriage

Develop a deeper understanding of what has happened to your marriage

Look at “three sides” of your problems: yours, your spouse’s and that of an objective third party

Make a good decision about whether to move towards divorce, or make one last try to restore the relationship to health

What does discernment counseling involve?

The discernment counselor will help the couple choose among three options: moving towards divorce, carving out a period of time for an all-out effort to preserve the marriage, or agreeing to decide later. The sessions are divided between conversation with the couple together and individual conversations with each spouse. The counselor respects the reasons for divorce while trying to open the possibility of restoring the marriage to health.

The counselor helps both partners see their individual contributions to the problems and to possible solutions. Understanding what you’ve contributed to the marriage problems can be useful in future relationships even if this one ends.

Discernment Counseling is considered successful when both partners more fully understand what’s happened to their relationship and have clarity and confidence in their decision on how to move forward – whatever that decision may be.

Visit - Discernment Counseling in Plano, Texas

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Did you know why 75% of divorces are initiated by women?   Listen to Kim Bowen taking about Why Women Choose Divorce?

Visit: TheMarriagePlace.Com

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Forgiveness. It’s a simple concept, yet many couples who are dealing with betrayal and other serious breaches of trust, have significant misconceptions about what forgiveness really means. I wonder if part of that misconception doesn’t start in childhood.

Forgiveness through the eyes of a child

Chances are you first learned what it’s like to receive forgiveness from  your parents. I know I did. When I acted out, my mom or dad would make me apologize and – depending on what it is I did – would gave me a consequence for my actions. Afterwards, things generally went quickly back to normal.

As I aged, my sibling and schoolmates gave me ample opportunity to practice giving and receiving forgiveness. We would offend, apologize, forgive, and get back to playing in a matter of minutes. Between adults though, things get more complicated. The act of forgiveness may still feel that simple when the offense is small. But in a marriage where deep wounding has occurred – for instance infidelity or abuse – the path to forgiveness isn’t quick or easy.

What forgiveness isn’t

Before I get to what forgiveness is, let me first tell you what it isn’t.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean:

The other person wins

Losing

Letting anyone off the hook

That what he/she did is okay

The feelings of softness return

Reconciliation

Forgiveness is for you

It is a gift you give yourself. Sounds cliche but it’s true. Daniell Koepke says “Forgiving someone means making peace with what happened. It means acknowledging your wound, giving yourself permission to feel the pain, and recognizing why that pain no longer serves you. It means letting go of the hurt and resentment so that you can heal and move on.”

Ending the payback

When we forgive and let go, we don’t make the other person continue to pay for hurting us. We don’t shame, beat up, or give them the silent treatment. You’ve probably heard the saying “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.”  When you forgive, you release the grudge, resentment, hurt and bitterness that otherwise will slowly fester and make you sick.

Why we withhold forgiveness

The short answer is – relationships are risky and forgiveness can make us feel vulnerable. Here are some of the most common reasons we withhold forgiveness:

Misconception that it means you have to reconcile – You can forgive without any intention of ever reconciling. Or, you can choose to reconcile. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate decisions.

The anger is exhilarating – It can be more pleasant to feel angry than it is to have to process the hurt, depression, and grief required to get to a place of forgiveness.

Grief avoidance – Imagine choosing to put your thumb underneath the path of a hammer. To forgive you must come to a place of resolution, which means choosing the painful process of grieving the betrayal.

Punishment – You withhold forgiveness to punish the other person for what they did. It can feel empowering to be punitive. That sense of control is deceptive. The pain you dole out can never cover up the pain you were dealt. It can however prevent you from healing.

Seeing forgiveness as a “one and done” –  It’s not. Even after you make the initial decision to forgive, it is an ongoing process to release the feelings of hurt, grief, and resentment from the betrayal. To really forgive means choosing release each and every time those feelings come up. It’s hard work. But so is carrying that hurt, resentment around like a backpack. At least forgiveness is productive work.

Unrealistic expectations for the relationship – We can’t reconcile our expectations with our reality. It’s the idea that “If he/she really loved me, they would never have done X and hurt me to that degree.”  But the reality is yes, he/she could do X. And, it doesn’t have to mean what you had before wasn’t real or authentic…or that you can no longer be in the relationship. The truth is, we are all capable of inflicting great harm to each other. No one is immune from being betrayed, hurt or disappointed in a relationship.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

Though reconciliation is never a required condition of forgiveness, it is a part of the process for a lot couples. To consider reconciling there must be a ‘reckoning’ – a weighing of the costs & benefits – to decide whether there is enough to merit the reconciliation. In other words, is it worth putting up with a hairy back to get the man who gives up boys night to spend time with his family? I’m over simplifying here but hopefully you get my point. You will need to decide if there are enough positives to offset his/her negative attributes and to justify the work it will take to rebuild the relationship. Two of the categories you’ll want to include in your reckoning process are 1) Is there real remorse; and 2) Have they shown they can be trustworthy & accountable. Keep in mind, whether you decide to reconcile or walk away, you will still have to choose to forgive to be released from the burden that the lack of forgiveness brings.

Healthy ways to release and forgive

For those struggling to forgive, there are several healthy ways to help you process and release the hurt.. For some praying and meditation are the go-to tools. For others, journaling helps. I’ve also had clients use various forms of art to give their feelings a final resting place. But for many, working with a trained therapist is a necessary part of the process. Whatever way or ways you choose, do choose!

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The Unique Complexity Of Working With Divorcing Clients: Emotions On The Edge

When clients seek out the help of the Collaborative team, it is at a time of deep emotional trouble, a time when most feel they have lost their center of gravity. As such, working with divorcing people presents numerous challenges to the team. In a large part, these challenges are the result of the clients’ needs to spend significant amounts of total talking time centered on their personal problems. According to Doane and Cowan, Interpersonal Help-Giving of Family Practice Lawyers, in the American Journal of Community Psychology, 1981, clients can spend nearly 40 percent of their time focusing only on their emotional needs. Learning to work effectively with clients’ heightened states of emotionality can be one of the most challenging lessons for the Collaborative team.

How often do Collaborative professionals find themselves, despite their best efforts, tripped up by their own reactions to their clients? It is not unusual for members of the Collaborative team to find themselves feeling resentment, fear, guilt or perhaps just strong feelings of identification and sympathy with their clients’ pain. Some of their clients’ childlike behaviors and the often inappropriate thought processes brought on by the crisis of divorce can even cause them to question whether or not they have the proper strategies to advocate effectively for them.

The open and often unconstrained nature of clients’ struggles during divorce leads to discernible and, to some extent predictable, reactions on the parts of both clients and Collaborative professionals, often referred to in psychology as transference and counter transference. In order to maintain a steady and beneficial working alliance with clients, it is necessary for the team to recognize the relationship between their clients’ behaviors and their reactions to them.to - Registered at Namecheap.com remain unaware is to risk mismanaging their professional role.

Clients Emotional States During Divorce

Impasses in the divorce process can arise from several psychological sources: clients’ unresolved emotional issues and clinical disorders. At such times, focusing only on the facts of the case will do little to help the client move forward. Collaborative professionals must recognize the inseparability of clients’ psychological states and legal tasks in order to successfully engage with the client.

Divorce is a mine field that can cause clients to regress and to behave in immature ways that are far from normal behavior patterns.in - Domain Name For Sale | Undeveloped her book Crazy Time, Abigail Trafford concludes that the more the client understands the “crazy times,” the more likely they are to recover. The same can be said of the Collaborative team; the greater their knowledge of their clients psychological states, both normal and pathological, the more competent they are to help the client make the shift from the emotional aspects to the legal aspects of divorce. It is important to be able to differentiate between the client’s needs for help and the common transference patterns seen in their childlike and unrealistic demands, inappropriate decisions and over dependence.

In an earlier newsletter, I spoke of divorce as the death of a relationship and the necessity of mourning that loss in order to move forward as a single person. Throughout the divorce process, it is common for clients to express their raw feelings of grief, which are likely to include feelings of anger and depression. Collaborative team members frequently find themselves in the cross hairs as they become misguided targets of some of these feelings and displaced frustrations.While each divorce is unique,there are some prevalent and identifiable themes that are likely to emerge on the client’s emotional map. The first of these is failure. Most people experience their inability to succeed at sustaining a marriage as a form of failure. Next are rejection and abandonment.The client’s self-esteem is likely to take a major hit when left by a spouse or when they feel they are abandoning their parental responsibilities. Another pattern commonly encountered is helplessness; often, clients feel they have lost everything in the divorce, including control of their own lives.Finally, fear of aloneness is universal; clients cannot imagine life on their own or ever partnering again.

While divorce itself can cause psychiatric disorders, in some cases psychiatric disorders may have existed prior to the divorce and, perhaps even contributed to it. If these disorders become an obstacle to effective team work and successful outcomes, outside psychotherapeutic intervention may be necessary. Common clinical disorders which may cause complications during the legal divorce include; depression, anxiety, substance abuse, physical abuse, and personality disorders. (The DSMIV,Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, is the primary reference for learning about these disorders.)

Collaborative Team Members Reactions To Their Clients Emotional States

The pressing and intrinsic nature of problems and stresses that divorcing individuals face,coupled with their need to talk about them throughout the legal work, thrusts Collaborative team members into a help-giving role. Most recognize the importance of listening to their client’s stories and the need to be supportive and sympathetic. That does not mean, however, that they feel comfortable or effective managing their client’s personal problems while effectively keeping their eyes on pressing legal tasks. After all, most Collaborative professionals are neither diagnosticians nor mental health providers.

In his article Effectively Representing the Unreasonable Client,“The American Journal of Family Law,” 2001, S. Portnoy identified several characteristics of the “unreasonable” client. Portnoy defines such clients as those who lack the ability to engage in rational thought because they are caught up in their own intense emotions, as so often occurs during divorce. Portnoy maintains that client’s out-of-control affect compromises cognition and leads to childish acting-out during divorce. If these behaviours are not handled properly, it is extremely difficult to keep the professional relationship on track.

The power of counter transference in working with divorcing clients cannot be over-emphasized. It is relatively easy for team members to develop personal perceptions and feelings about clients, which in turn can create blind spots in dealing objectively with them. These reactions can range from warm feelings and concern to harsh feelings of disapproval and distaste in response to the sometimes grossly inappropriate and immature behavior of the client.

Some of the more common feelings and reactions to clients include: a sense of grandiosity in response to the client who repeatedly tells the professional how wonderful they are; a need to goout of one’s way for a client due to feelings of guilt over the fees they are charging; the female professional who is uncomfortable confronting a client who is out of line; the male team member who encourages their clients’ dependency needs because of a sexual attraction. What about the client who adopts the role of the dependent child or the helpless victim? Or the one whose self interests and greed are played out when dividing the marital assets? The list goes on and on.

Strategies For Dealing With Clients Appeals For Interpersonal Help

Like it or not, the Collaborative team is involved in their client’s personal problems. Indeed, the “chemistry” of the Collaborative team/client relationship almost demands that it will happen.

Therefore, it is vital that Collaborative professionals learn techniques that can be used to:

Attain maximum cooperation with their clients.

Help clients manage their heightened emotions and unrealistic expectations (transference).

Assist clients introducing their acting out and misusing their team as targets for their fantasies.

Help team members to contain their feelings (counter transference) in order to maintain a professional relationship.

The following suggestions are likely to promote successful legal outcomes and satisfied clients.

Understand that clients regard divorce in emotional, not legal terms. The goal is to understand the client’s psychological state and to know how to use it to promote the best legal outcome. The goal is not to help the client deal with his personal feelings.

Recognize client’s distortions. Clients project onto the team member’s feelings and traits that will serve their psychological needs (i.e. to be taken care of) but are not based on reality. Confront the distortions and bring the client back to the real relationship.

Allow a controlled amount of emotional ventilation while maintaining structure. Know when to bring the client’s attention back to the issues.

If the structure is not enough to contain the client’s feelings and impulses, it may be necessary to refer the client for counseling to a psychotherapist who understands divorce.

Maintain enough psychological distance to be able to listen closely to the client. Empathy is important but over-identification with the client will interfere with neutrality. Boundaries between client and team must be clear.

Accept feelings towards clients as inevitable. The Collaborative professional shouldn’t react behaviorally to them, rather use them as data to understand the client and restore focus.

Maintain a neutral and non-judgmental stance when confronting clients.

Conclusion

The Collaborative team owes it to themselves and to their clients to be continually alert to both transference and counter transference processes, to make use of them when they enhance understanding, and to respectfully set them aside when they threaten to interfere with good legal judgement.

Visit - https://www.drdeborahhecker.com/blog/how-client-s-emotions-can-interfere-with-sound-legal-resolution

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Focusing intensively on your relationship can move it along further and faster.

A Couples Intensive (or “Marriage Intensive”) provides a format designed to allow the two of you to laser-focus on your relationship…. and take a major step toward saving your marriage.

You’ll get quicker results by getting to the root of your issues much quicker. The condensed, accelerated format of an Intensive strips away the starts and stops necessitated by traditionally-structured therapy, making it particularly effective in helping couples make significant progress that otherwise could take months to achieve.

Choose between 1 and 2 full days of personalized counseling – just the two of you and your counselor – complete with customized support and guidance. It’s the equivalent of months of therapy in a thorough, concentrated coaching session.

We saw 5 counselors before we found Kim and we learned more in one session with her than we did with all the others combined. Just wish we had found her sooner!

A Couples Intensive is the perfect for you if:

You are struggling in your relationship and are at the end of your rope

You don’t want to spend months in therapy sessions to make significant process (or have already gone that route without major success or breakthroughs)

You simply don’t have the time or patience FOR all those gradual steps that are taken in typical weekly sessions.

You yearn for proven results and solutions to marriage problems you’ve had for years

You are in a marriage where one spouse wants out or is not sure he/she wants to work on the marriage (but you do!)

You are on the brink of divorce and you want to restore what you once had or learn how to effectively co-parent

You have experienced infidelity and want to heal and move past the trauma

Sometimes the pain is so bad, you want an immediate, yet lasting, solution.

You don’t want to wade through months of counseling sessions to get to the heart of the problem. Or be interrupted by other obligations like kids, phone calls and work.

You want proven, effective results and tools you can put to work within days instead of months.

From a Couples Intensive, you can expect:

Increased clarity on what has happened in your marriage and how both of you contributed to where you are now

Creative solutions to problems that have kept you stuck in repeating patterns of conflict

Perspective and understanding of what you both want and need in the future

And for many couples, a renewed optimism and a roadmap to a more fulfilling relationship

Couples Intensives are life-changing experiences!

A Couples Intensive is designed to bring you closer together. Or help you decide what your next step should be.

Your decision can have permanent, long-lasting consequences, so you need to be sure you have looked at every angle.

If a divorce is imminent, learning how to effectively and collaboratively co-parent is essential to your children’s mental and emotional health. I can show you how to do that in ways that honor the dignity and respect of both parents.

The bottom line is that whatever happens in your marriage, a Marriage Intensive will be an important investment and help you be certain you have no regrets.

Learn more from Kim about Marriage Intensives.

Visit - Best Intensive Marriage Counseling, Texas

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Kim Bowen on one of her most viral blog post, "When A Spouse Wants a Divorce and You Don't." Listen to her as she walks you through her #1 tip on what NOT to do if your spouse is telling you they want out! If you want MORE.... the full blog post is HERE! 

Visit - When your spouse wants a divorce and you don't

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WE ARE ALMOST DIVORCED...So Why Bother Getting Along ?

Simple But Important Tools To Help Make A Bad Relationship Better

Introduction

When I was going through my divorce, my Dad, a corporate attorney, told me the following; “Everybody wins and everybody loses.” At the time, I was too caught up in the war to be able to grasp the meaning of that wisdom. Like me, most people going through a legal divorce become so intent on “winning” that they lose sight of how to most effectively “play the game.”

Remember the simple advice that we all grew up with; “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game?” Taking skillful charge of playing the divorce “game” can make the difference between a legal nightmare and emotional catastrophe and a successful resolution.

Although there are no easy answers for life’s major problems, of which divorce is certainly one, there are some simple ways that can be used to enhance the possibilities for achieving a constructive outcome.

The High Conflicts Couple

As a major life transition, divorce is one of the most stressful and disorienting events a person can face. It involves a myriad of losses; loss of the future as planned, loss of financial stability, loss of identity as a coupled person, and loss of a best friend, to name a few.

Given this degree of life disruption, powerful feelings of anger, grief, sadness, and fear about the end of the marriage are common. As a form of retaliation, many people feel compelled to express these feelings. If every effort is not made to prevent the onslaught of these feelings during the divorce, the process can be severely impeded.

Compounding these overwhelming emotions is the reality that more often than not, divorcing couples have not successfully developed the ability to resolve their conflicts. Indeed, this inability has probably contributed positively to the corrosion of the marriage and the misery of both parties.

Highly reactive divorcing couples – those quick to argue, be angry, and blame – need more than just run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve matters of custody and division of assets. When destructive emotions are at the heart of their relationship, only effective communication will fix what ails it. To achieve successful divorce negotiations, individuals need to get control of their emotions so they can stop making things worse.

Understanding Emotions In Relationships

It’s been known that a small to moderate amount of stress keeps people alert and interested, actually increasing their self-control and performance on a task. It is also true that past a of escape, one is considered out of control and focused on reducing the negative tension.mind-set moderate point of stress and self-control performance begins to drop. At high enough levels of arousal, one begins to focus on escaping from the high state of negative emotions. Once in a

This brief explanation can be used to describe what happens to divorcing couples when they are attempting to resolve issues during the throes of acrimonious negotiations. Once they reach the point of being out of control and cannot hold their tongues, they are no longer focused on longer-term goals and are unable to make effective decisions. Their sole function is to escape the unpleasant situation by doing something that will hurt the other person, thus escalating and worsening the conflicts between them.

It is easy to recognize two warring parties. Either one party becomes resigned to being treated badly or both people treat each other badly. Negativity begets negativity. Either way, the emotions are very high and the individuals’ thinking and reasoning abilities are compromised. Without the ability to contain these emotions, communication becomes ineffective.

How To Manage Emotions Effectively In Order To Reach Goals

The following are some practical tips that will help people to restore their communication and get the derailed negotiations back on track.

Remember that what one says or does will impact their spouse. Although each advocates for himself, they must be mindful at all times that they are not acting in isolation. If negative things are said, they will be reciprocated and the very thing that is trying to be resolved will be sabotaged.

One’s thinking and one’s feeling selves need to work together, not at cross purposes. Effective behavior results from a balance of the two. Acting exclusively from emotions, a common occurrence during divorce negotiations, can mean acting from urges without regard to consequences.

One must make a commitment to not making things worse with their soon to be ex-spouse. This entails being mindful, at all times, of keeping the relationship on track so that goals can be met, in contrast to a singular focus on painful emotions. Being nasty, invalidating or criticizing the other, regardless of what they said or did, will only make things worse. Hurting one’s spouse is hurting oneself and continuing the agony.

The essence of an effective response is a calm one which describes goals and feelings in lieu of telling their spouse what he or she is doing wrong.

Each person wishes the other to understand their position and needs. Therefore, empathy is required. It is important that both parties validate the others’, conveys that one is not so interested in being right or arguing.agreement experience as legitimate. Validation, not to be confused with

One may feel that if they are attacked and they do not attack back that they are surrendering. Refusing to continue the fight creates a win-win situation. It preserves self-respect as well as their relationship with their spouse. Nobody loses. Visit - WE ARE ALMOST DIVORCED...So Why Bother Getting Along ?

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THE ROLES OF MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS IN DIVORCE

Let's Consider The “Emotional” Divorce

Many, if not most, of the clients seen by a family law attorney manifest a high degree of anxiety. This anxiety (which can present in a variety of ways) can interfere with the attorney’s ability to concentrate on the legal aspects of the case. When the mental health aspects are severe, the attorney will refer the client to a mental health therapist. Sometimes, however, all the client needs is a guide to assist through the emotional aspects of the marital dissolution. Enter Collaborative divorce and its innovative use of mental health coaches.

The purpose of this article is to give further support to the Collaborative movement’s recognition that the needs of divorcing families are better served by interdisciplinary collaboration between therapists and lawyers. In addition, I will examine the various roles that mental health experts can contribute to the divorcing process.

Brief Overview of Interdisciplinary Cooperation Between Mental Health Professionals and Lawyers

Our traditional legal system, based on the adversarial model, does not work well when handling family disputes, such as divorce. Indeed, involvement in the legal system with its emphasis on guilt and innocence tends to foster competition and confusion between divorcing parties. Within the traditional model, there is a continuum of opinions about the value of psychological counseling as part of the legal divorce. The views can range from the attorney measuring the legal feasibility of doing what the client wants without paying attention to (or feeling poorly equipped to handle) the psychological and interpersonal issues in divorce, to an assumption that the legal aspects of a divorce situation can be adequately dealt with only if the emotional aspects and need to understand the client are engaged by the lawyer. Somewhere in the middle lies the idea of using mental health professionals to de-escalate conflict, supporting the belief that other professionals should play only those roles explicitly delegated by the lawyer.

With the changing culture of divorce, contributed to in large part by the Collaborative movement and its view that the adversarial process is grossly inappropriate for the resolution of most marital disputes, the importance of the emotional divorce has taken on new meaning. “When the goal of ending a marriage is minimal emotional damage to the family, Collaborative divorce is considered”. The Collaborative model’s philosophy is that divorce is less likely to seriously traumatize the dissolving family when both the legal and emotional issues of divorce are addressed. Attorney-mental health coach teams are used as an effective vehicle to help minimize the stress of the divorce experience.

How Can Mental Health Practitioners Facilitate The Work of Attorneys?

There are several roles that the mental health professional can provide to divorcing clients. One is the familiar role of the mental health professional in providing psychotherapy to the divorcing client. The other, encouraged by the Collaborative practice, is a newer kind of intervention called the divorce coach. Let’s take a look at the two resources and how they may be useful in the divorce process.

Divorce Psychotherapy/ Counseling

The trauma of divorce can exacerbate preexisting emotional disorders or can create them,necessitating the need for psychotherapeutic intervention. Broadly speaking, psychotherapy examines the past and its impact on present functioning. In the spirit of behavioral change, it aims to make unconscious motives conscience the goal of psychotherapy is symptom relief (depression, anxiety, psychosomatic symptoms, etc.) Progress is measured by internal change and personal growth.

Divorce counseling seeks to help the client develop an understanding of the causes of the marital breakdown. Without such insight, psychotherapists believe that individuals are likely to repeat their self-defeating behaviors during their next intimate relationship. Equally important is the notion that an awareness of one’s own contribution to the failed relationship will reduce hostility during the divorce process and increase the client’s ability to resolve the legal issues.

Consider the following scenario: A woman in her 40’s walks into a 4 person Collaborative meeting which includes her husband and the couples’ respective attorneys. “Why me?” she sobs uncontrollably. The fear and anger in her voice are palpable. “We loved each other for twenty-two years. I supported him through his graduate training. Our children are grown and living away from home. I have never lived alone and I am terrified. I cannot imagine making it on my own. I could just kill him for doing this to me.”

The above example highlights some of the basic emotions that may overwhelm almost anyone who has made the decision to separate and divorce. (For many noninitiators, the unresolved reasons for the divorce can slowdown the process of acceptance, slowing down the divorce. ) While many divorcing people will experience these feelings, some will experience them at a more intense level, as a true personal identity crisis. For those individuals, what one may call a divorce crisis may, indeed, be a psychological http://crisis.In order to successfully navigate her divorce terrain, the woman described above will likely need psychological help to manage her anxiety, depression and fears.

Divorce Coaching

Even in cases where a couple mutually agrees to a legal divorce, there is usually one spouse who wants to hold on to the marriage more than the other one does. And, the same kind of fear of the future in which one feels incapable of surviving emotionally and financially on one’s own may be operative.

Let’s look at the next scenario in which the same woman enters her 4 person Collaborative meeting: “I understand we have made the decision to divorce and I accept that we will have to do that. But, I am so angry that since the separation my husband seems to be having a great time and I barely have enough money to feed the kids much less have pleasure in my life. How can I possibly manage life on my own? This Collaborative divorce just won’t work.”

Unlike psychotherapy which is broad in scope, divorce coaching targets only the divorce process. Psychotherapy focuses on the past and its impact on present functioning while divorce coaching assists clients to adapt to and cope with the emotions and practical aspects of the present situation. The targeted intervention of the divorce coach aims particularly at building spouses’ communication skills. Divorce coaching normalizes the feelings around divorce to help the individual better manage the current situation.

As explained by Dr. Sanford Portnoy, “Divorce Coaches: A New Resource for Matrimonial Lawyers,” American Journal of Family Law, Vol. 19, No. 4, 2005, therapy typically “seeks symptom amelioration or cure.” According to Dr. Portnoy, the role of the divorce coach is intended to “help individuals manage situations….The emphasis is on helping the client manage in specific, delineated ways. It is skills training rather than healing.”

How Can Lawyers and Mental Health Experts Best Cooperate Professionally In Guiding Their Clients In The Process of Divorce?

Collaborative practice understands that much of what divorcing clients need help with has little or nothing to do with the http://law.As such, it is important that Collaborative attorneys inform their clients about the available services of divorce coaches (members of the Collaborative team) and mental health professionals(independent of the Collaborative team) so that they can serve as resources when needed. By educating the client at the beginning of the process to the possible emotional upheavals that may arise along the journey and the potential impasses they may cause, the client will be more open to the referral.

What are the benefits that mental health coaches and therapists can provide for attorneys?

Assess the client’s psychological readiness to participate in the Collaborative process.

Assess the client’s psychological readiness to participate in the Collaborative process.

Teach the client how to problem solve more effectively.

Diagnose and treat mental health problems that will facilitate the legal process.

Educate the attorney about the needs of children.

Understand a psychologically compromised client

Serve as a consultant

Facilitate communication between client and attorney.

Minimize the possibility of more time-consuming negative interactions.

Conclusions

The Collaborative approach encompasses the belief that in order to deliver quality legal services, one must “understand” their client. This means that the process of emotional divorce and legal divorce should be coordinated as much as possible. Building inter-professional alliances and networks of communication and developing mutual trust between lawyers and mental health experts (divorce coaches and mental health therapists) will inevitably contribute to their shared vision of working in the best interests of divorcing families.

Visit - THE ROLES OF MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS IN DIVORCE

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A Couples Intensive (or “Marriage Intensive”) provides a format designed to allow the two of you to laser-focus on your relationship…. and take a major step toward saving your marriage.

You’ll get quicker results by getting to the root of your issues much quicker. The condensed, accelerated format of an Intensive strips away the starts and stops necessitated by traditionally-structured therapy, making it particularly effective in helping couples make significant progress that otherwise could take months to achieve.

Choose between 1 and 2 full days of personalized counseling – just the two of you and your counselor – complete with customized support and guidance. It’s the equivalent of months of therapy in a thorough, concentrated coaching session.

A Couples Intensive is the perfect for you if:

You are struggling in your relationship and are at the end of your rope

You don’t want to spend months in therapy sessions to make significant process (or have already gone that route without major success or breakthroughs)

You simply don’t have the time or patience FOR all those gradual steps that are taken in typical weekly sessions.

You yearn for proven results and solutions to marriage problems you’ve had for years

You are in a marriage where one spouse wants out or is not sure he/she wants to work on the marriage (but you do!)

You are on the brink of divorce and you want to restore what you once had or learn how to effectively co-parent

You have experienced infidelity and want to heal and move past the trauma

Sometimes the pain is so bad, you want an immediate, yet lasting, solution.

You don’t want to wade through months of counseling sessions to get to the heart of the problem. Or be interrupted by other obligations like kids, phone calls and work.

You want proven, effective results and tools you can put to work within days instead of months.

From a Couples Intensive, you can expect:

Increased clarity on what has happened in your marriage and how both of you contributed to where you are now

Creative solutions to problems that have kept you stuck in repeating patterns of conflict

Perspective and understanding of what you both want and need in the future

And for many couples, a renewed optimism and a roadmap to a more fulfilling relationship

Couples Intensives are life-changing experiences!

A Couples Intensive is designed to bring you closer together. Or help you decide what your next step should be.

Your decision can have permanent, long-lasting consequences, so you need to be sure you have looked at every angle.

If a divorce is imminent, learning how to effectively and collaboratively co-parent is essential to your children’s mental and emotional health. I can show you how to do that in ways that honor the dignity and respect of both parents.

The bottom line is that whatever happens in your marriage, a Marriage Intensive will be an important investment and help you be certain you have no regrets.

Visit - Best Intensive Marriage Counseling, Texas

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Romance is that elusive feeling we pursue in a relationship.  It’s hard to accurately describe in a few words, yet once we experience it, it’s something we continue chasing until we find it again. It’s what causes butterflies in our stomach and gives us that dopamine-high we associate with excitement, anticipation and joy in a relationship.

Most of us get our first stereotypical idea of romance through books, television or movies. It starts early – even Disney sells us a vision of what “true romance” should be. In romance novels or rom-com movies, no one ever has bad breath or any horribly bad habit that isn’t glossed over with charming good looks or an hourglass figure.  It’s easy to see why our expectations for romance in our real lives sometime leave us disappointed.

Real people are not book or movie characters, and true romance is very different than what it’s portrayed for us in those books and shows. We are complex and full of contradictions.  Some of our traits are pretty set, even permanent. Others, are habits or tendencies we can mold or change over time.

The beginning of a relationship

The beginning of a relationship is when romance tends to be at its highest. Each partner is trying to impress the other and you are exploring all the ways you and your partner are alike. Interests and passions you share. Goals and aspirations that are in sync.  You’ve probably heard the phrase “love is blind”, and in some ways that can be true early in a relationship. We idealize our partners and we overlook or choose to ignore the sides of them that aren’t as attractive to us.

Once the new wears off

But by the second year, the movie-version romance fades and you begin to see all the sides of your partner, even the less desirable ones. Something called ‘differentiation’ begins to happen and each of you starts to notice all the ways in which you not the same.  And sometimes those differences are habits and details that really annoy us!

When these differences start to pop up, we have the tendency to work really hard trying to change or control our partner’s behavior. Or, we stay silent, slowly simmering and building resentment. As you might guess, neither is effective and both spell slow-death in the romance department.

By year 6 or 7, a couple can become really entrenched in this pattern of behavior, ineffective communication, and escalating fights. This is also when a lot of couples decide to give up and throw in the towel on their relationship, convinced their relationship is doomed and the romance dead.

When reality doesn’t meet expectations

By this time, the couples that haven’t given up, come to places like The Marriage Place seeking help. I find time and again that expectations, or should I say unmetexpectations, are what trip up most couples. When your reality doesn’t meet your expectations, dissatisfaction sets in and your relationship is the casualty.

Now keep in mind not all expectations are bad. In fact, we all should have expectations for ourselves, for our spouse and for the relationship. The keyword is realistic. Are your expectations realistic?  That’s where we can help.

We can help you level set, keeping the healthy expectations and reframing ones that aren’t realistic. You’ll decide if all the good parts you fell in love with are enough to offset his/her less desirable attributes. We all have those parts, you know.  

Mastering differentiation

If you can negotiate through your differences, you’ll find a new level of appreciation for your spouse.  I also think you’ll find you’re now as committed to the relationship as much or more than you are to each other, putting you both in a better position to handle whatever it is that life throws at you. When each partner feels free to be themselves, without feeling the need to hide parts of themselves, it’s a game changer for your marriage and specifically for the romance in your relationship.

At The Marriage Place, we talk a lot about differentiation, as we explore the Developmental Model (originated by Dr. Ellen Bader and Dr. Pete Pearson of The Couples Institute) with many of our clients. If the romance in your relationship has waned, and you feel stuck in the same old pattern of conflict, let us help you reconnect.

Visit  - https://themarriageplace.com/2019/02/is-the-romance-in-your-relationship-gone/

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THE IMPORTANCE OF ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES IN RESOLVING COUPLES' CONFLICTS

Redefining Collaborative Divorce: Is There More We Can Do To Help Our Clients Grow and Heal?

Many of us try to resolve relationship conflicts by demanding an overhaul of our partners. Why? Often, we define the problem in terms of the other person: “I have problems because of you and the way you are,” we are inclined to tell them.

Many years of couples’ and individual counseling have convinced me that defining partnership problems in terms of our partner’s character flaws and implying that he / she is inadequate and needs help will exacerbate the conflict.

Typically, I define couples’ problems in terms of the differences between them rather than the defects in either partner. A focus on defectiveness leads to blame and accusations on the one hand and defensiveness on the other. Effective solutions are not likely to result.

I know you are thinking that sometimes there are “defects” in one or both partners. Yes, it is true that we are all products of imperfect upbringings and therefore have limitations. However, trying to resolve our conflicts by manipulating or coercing our partner to be a certain way will only lead to frustration, defensiveness and attacks.

Differences: Handle with TLC

Sometimes, it seems as if our partners’ differences are aimed to hurt or annoy us. Consider, for example, how the need for intimacy and the expression of closeness, significant building blocks of a partnership, can vary between partners and cause tension. Incompatibilities in this area are particularly threatening because closeness is the reason most of us seek out a relationship.

Let’s take a brief look at how the following pre-Valentine’s Day interaction between Marge and Mark left them both feeling misunderstood.

Marge: Valentine’s Day is only 2 days away and I am looking forward to a romantic candlelit dinner where we can reminisce about when we first met.

Mark: Marge, I would much prefer to go to my office party, which I think you will enjoy.

Marge: Why is it that every time I want us to be alone, you find a way to undermine that? I think you are uncomfortable being close to me.

Mark: What’s wrong with me? Marge I feel like you are suffocating me. I can never give you enough.

Marge and Mark have different ideas about how to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Marge sees the holiday as a time to be alone and intimate with Mark. Mark, a more extroverted person by nature, thinks spending Valentine’s Day with a group of friends will be most enjoyable for him and Marge.

The precipitating event, how to celebrate Valentine’s Day, is an innocent enough one. Yet, for both Marge and Mark, the subject is highly sensitive. They view one another’s needs for romance as faulty and have attacked each other in response.

Dealing with delicate areas of conflict can be challenging under the best of circumstances. It is easy to feel burdened by the demands of handling our partners’ feelings, especially if the particular incident taps into our sensitivities. It is at such times that special care should be given to our partner to soothe their vulnerabilities. Feeling cared for may allow them to be more responsive to conflict resolution and willing to reciprocate the special care.

Visit - ACCEPTING DIFFERENCE IN RESOLVING COUPLE’S CONFLICTS

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Even though our primary focus is couples, we know it takes two healthy individuals to make a healthy relationship. And that may mean focusing on just you – whether it’s your stuff that’s in the way or you have a spouse who isn’t ready for help. In either case, we can help you find your voice and speak your truth in a way that is both respectful and firm.

How you think is how you feel.

It sounds so simple, but we often think our way to depression and anxiety. Our thoughts are so powerful, yet we rarely take time to notice what we are thinking.

The one-on-one support found through individual therapy can help you learn ways to cope, reduce anxiety, find more peace, and build a better you.

“I received wise counsel during a traumatic time in my life where I was encouraged to focus on myself, show positive behaviors towards my spouse, and to learn about what a good relationship should look like. I give my coach high marks for giving me valuable feedback on what I was discovering throughout the months of our appointments.”

Count on personalized guidance and help.

With individual therapy from a skilled and compassionate professional, you have a safe and friendly listener who is supportive, non-judgmental, can help you work towards greater fulfillment in your life. We will help you identify and express your feelings, make necessary changes in your life, and learn ways to help yourself feel better now and in the future.

Visit - Individual Counseling Richardson - The Marriage Place

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Being in a relationship with someone who is controlling can be very difficult. Most of us have seen someone who was with a “control freak” and we wondered how they got themselves in that situation and why they put up with it. But the signs can be hard to read in the beginning. Their attempts to monitor your behavior can seem like positive attention. They couch their manipulation with phrases like “I just love you and worry about you” or “I’m simply trying to look out for you”. All that seemingly positive attention can be a little intoxicating as it might make us feel loved and cared for. However, that attention usually intensifies as the relationship progresses until it becomes too restrictive. The relationship can quickly become abusive as the controller gets frustrated with your lack of obedience and manipulates you with verbal assaults, emotional isolation, rages or even physical and sexual abuse to “keep you in line”. It won’t take long before you become a shadow of your former self and someone else is looking in and wondering why you put up with it. No one’s self-esteem can withstand years of this kind of manipulating and abuse without serious consequences. A controller’s behavior usually gets worse not better. It’s important to know if your partner is controlling because if he/she is, you need to start setting firm boundaries to protect yourself and the future of your relationship. Men have gotten a lot of blame in this area but make no mistake, there are many men living with very controlling women.

So how do you know if your partner is controlling? Answer the following questions.

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Does Your Partner…

Have certain “rules” you have to follow? This might look like time limits for certain activities or restrictions on who you can be friends with.

Check your email, Facebook, text messages or phone messages so they know what you are up to?

Get critical of you and use insults and shame?

Try to control how you dress?

Dictate how much time you spend with your family?

Monitor your weight or physical appearance and then control when and how much you eat?

Withhold sex or physical affection when they don’t get their way?

Try to force you to have sex or perform sexual acts you aren’t comfortable with by being critical, shaming, sarcastic or manipulative?

Correct what you say or do and lets you know there is a better way?

Have you on financial restrictions?

Think their way is better and right and your opinion doesn’t matter much?

Always step in to solve your problems sometimes making you feel you are incompetent?

Believe they are helping you be a better person and you need them to function properly?Get a way to make it your fault when they make a mistake??Find angry when you make mistakes and degrade you

If you answered yes to three or more of these, your partner may have control issues that are damaging to your self-esteem. Learning how to set boundaries is key for you to survive this kind of relationship. Call us at Power of Two Counseling in Dallas, Texas. Visit - Is My Partner Controlling?