#in which hansel and gretel have better luck this time

[evilminji]

Pondering Doors Again >.>

Thinking about a concept I saw in a Manhwa. "Dungeons feed of the death that occurs within them" and how the Protagonist went "alright, Bet. A stable and prosperous society for outcasts has a LOT of Death! What with the need to eat food and people growing old and thus, inevitably, at least SOMEONE dying every day".

Because FARMING is and always has been a slower but more profitable way to accumulate food then Hunting. More reliable too.

And? What better way too feed your hunger(HungryHungryHUNGRYItHurtSIMSO-) then by BECOMING a Trap Door? Not every ghost looks human. Not every ghost WANTS too.

Maybe you want to Live. Yes, you are fighting, fighting, fighting. Not even Death can take you. But given half a chance? Given the infinite freedom of the Zone and all of Time stretched out before you? Do you? WANT to think anymore? WANT to keep fighting FOREVER for every scrap of food to fill your endless NEED for food? Your obsession with being full?

You can stop.

Like meditation.

Instead of MAKING a Lair... become one. You could always change your mind, if you felt like it. Souls rarely if ever DO, but you COULD. Then? You wait.

There are house ghosts. Dwellings that die. You blend right in. Are you angry? Vengeful? Do you blame the world? Perhaps you'll call them in. Like Hansel and Gretel. Look upon my house made of candy, children. Isn't it tempting? Isn't it sweet? Come closer. Listen to my siren song.

Chomp.

But, maybe you are tired. Hungry. Old bones and cold, barren soil. Barely the strength to paint gaudy veneers over straining, decaying wood. Like long abandoned circuses. You try for the appearance of cheer, but your tattered visage. betrays you. Yet, just like them, while you may not be able to entice those you truely wish to come? Vermin find safety and comfort in your walls.

And is that not how nature heals? First the weeds? The insects and vermin? Little things that build to great forests over time? Blobs hide within in you. Safely out from underfoot. What do they care, if you can not provide them scenery? You are safe. And they? They feed you in turn.

Like little worker bees. Drifting out, gorging on ectoplasm, and returning. Nesting safely inside you, they radiate that Ectoplasm and leech it into the Lair around them. You feed. And Feed. And FEED.

You make more places to hide for them. Bushes. Trees. You only half remember them now, so the colors are off and the forms shakey at best. The blobs do not care. More flock to you in response. You grow stronger. Make more trees.

You finally, FINALLY attract a curious and skittish ghost. They linger by the entrance. Watching. Uncertain. They know traps and hunters hide out here. Who would leave a perfectly good Lair up for grabs? This is a trick. A nasty little trap. Right? It has to be! Their luck can not be this good.

But it is. Because bottom feeders find each other all the time. Lairs that have little to offer and Ghosts who couldn't possibly defend anything worth keeping. All the Zone is stronger then them, why not be weakling together?

And they always take the chance. Because hope is eternal.

Inching forward in a cautious float, ready to dash away, they eventually realize the Lair really IS up for grabs. It really CAN be theirs. Which of course... means they have to fix it up of course! They are THRILLED. Look at all this ROOM! Why, these trees are LOVELY. A good start! They just gotta tweak THIS and then THAT aaand... there we go! Oooh, now over THERE would be a great place for a- *excited muttering*

And a proper ghost? MUCH better at bringing in Ectoplasm then a blob. Then dive in and out, fetching plants to transplant, decorations, building supplies. They invite their friend to crash with them. Become roommates. Their roommate gets a partner. They meet someone. Eventually somebody has a kid. And so on and so on.

All the while, they are feeding their Lair. Do they know it's not a NORMAL Lair? Yeah. They aren't dumb. Blobs disappear sometimes, if no one leaves for too long. House ghosts don't do that (or so they're told). But? They aren't powerful ghosts. They are weak ones. They CAN'T defend one of the nice spots from jerks who want to take it.

But a Lair that can defend ITSELF? And doesn't seem to want to eat them? Meh. Whatever works, man.

And you know what happens? Eventually, you reach a sustainable mass tipping point. Enough ghosts, set up in houses and cabins and castles and caves. All within a single Trap Lair. That they radiate enough ectoplasm to sustain the Lair itself. Enough that it can FINALLY pull the infamous and legendary "never leave" trick.

What is that trick?

Simple! You are a ghost. You'd kinda like an apple. You get up to leave you Lair to go get one. Oh, hey, an apple tree! That's new. Oh, these are really good! You sit back down. You never leave. Why would you leave? You are happy and have everything here. Your friends and family are here. Have another cake. Sit back down.

That is the trick.

The Trap of the sort of Trap Door.

They are known as Honey Traps. Heaven's Gates. Dream Doors. And they build slow to become quite dangerous. Entire cities exsist inside them. Ghosts go in and never come out. The take the energy you produce, small kernel that it is, and feed it back to you. And Ghosts? Efficient generators that they are, produce far more then they are given. Little into more. Little into greater. Building and building.

Until it has the strength to weave dreams.

Trap and entice. Blind and numb you. Bread and circuses for the masses, pay no attention to the bars that keep you here. You LOVE the comfort of your cage! You can leave whenever you want! You just never want too.

The Lair makes certain of that.

@the-witchhunter @hypewinter @hdgnj @mutable-manifestation

[memelleity]

hansel & gretel: witch hunters sentence starters

how do you best kill a witch?

i don't have time for this.

whatever happens, i want you to stay cool. follow my lead.

i don't swim well.

did you have to land on me?

they'll kill you.

take his fucking head off!

never walk into a house made of candy.

what are you looking at?

you can't be serious.

not at night. it's too dangerous. we'll leave in the morning.

i am really quite a fan of your work.

we don't talk about that.

what the hell do you think you're doing?

humans have such ghastly taste.

i'm scared! i'm alone in the woods!

i was wondering about that story about your parents leaving you. is all that true?

wow. where did you get all this stuff?

wish me luck.

hasn't enough blood been shed?

who did this to you?

evil is upon you, whether you like it or not.

i found something here. something very powerful.

time is up.

i think you're gonna want to come see this.

let me tell you a little story.

don't worry, i didn't come empty-handed.

locals won't go near the place. a good place to start the investigation.

i'm getting way off the subject, aren't i?

i go by many names, none of which you're worthy of pronouncing.

you know, you look like shit.

the only good witch is a dead witch.

don't worry. i'm not gonna let her hurt you.

can you tell me which way is back to town?

listen, if it's not too much trouble, would you please sign…

i did win the county fair three times.

she was accused of witchcraft, but she never confessed. we just burned her anyway.

so, any place we can get a drink in this hellhole?

i think this place could use a bit of color.

are you a good shot?

this isn't the life we chose.

you know a witch when you see one! they ride at night and they make pacts with the devil!

can you hold this?

now we feast!

i want you to do something for me.

so, how goes the witch hunting?

why did you save me?

here there's only death.

i like your toys.

find a place to hide. shoot anything that moves. good luck.

they died to save you.

have you ever come across a witch that you didn't want to kill?

you know, you talk too much.

she gave me a message. for you.

i thought it would be fitting for us to end up here, where it all began.

the witch hunting is going well, i see.

hey. i just had this really weird dream.

i think the real damage was to my dignity, which i left somewhere in that tree back there.

we made a promise, you know that.

you talk too much.

i'm telling you, we should put the fire out.

that's a lot of witches.

tell me what i want and this might not end up being the most painful night of your life.

what happened to your face?

revenge doesn't change the past. it won't bring ____ back.

why have you come here? to the dark of the forest?

where have you been?

we're wasting our time.

you have something i need.

kind of lost its charm a little, huh?

i actually know a thing or two about it, if you ever need any help…

let's get the hell out of here.

it was good seeing you.

let the girl go or i'm gonna blow your brains all over these fucking hillbillies.

you're safe. you'll be safe.

bad move.

i wish i could say it would be painless, but that would be a lie.

would you shut up?

i see you finally found your way home after all these years. how very sweet.

any man with half a brain could see that she wasn't a witch.

where are we?

there's no use in praying, my friend. even your god knows better than to come here.

your plan's working.

i see you got my invitation.

you've really taken a beating, haven't you?

don't worry. i'm not going to kill you. not now. and not like this.

you're pathetic.

this is the book of protection against black magic. where did you find it?

it's a beautiful story, don't you think?

stay here. i'll be back soon.

this time, i do the talking. you do the bleeding.

i hate to break it to you, but it's not gonna be an open casket.

[oddcryptidwrites]

Knight of Dawn, Chapter 8 [Not Your Typical Fairytale]

TW: Transphobia

The meeting lasted much longer than expected. It was 6:30 pm, before anyone could escape. Piers’ shirt was soaked through with sweat. As they stepped into the hallway, they took off their jacket and slung it over their shoulder. The cool air was more than welcome after the stuffy environment of the conference room.

They stood at the door and shook hands with everyone else left. At last, Grady came walking out, alone.

“Why’d you wait?” She asked them, and they matched pace with her, walking towards the main part of the Palace.

“I don’t want to walk alone.” 

“Well you’re going to have to. I got a meeting tonight with Benj, Sei, Gavin, and the miraculously appearing Lopez tonight for dinner. We’re going over everything you said. I’m so excited.” She drawled, rolling her eyes, “Please save me. Dad’s gonna ask me so many questions about that meeting and in all honesty I wasn’t paying attention for the majority of it.”

“Good luck then. I’ll see you tonight.”

With a mock salute, the duo split up, heading towards what they needed to do. As soon as Piers was on their floor, alone, they tugged off their sweaty clothes, tossing them in the hamper. Their dinner outfit was practically the exact same, but they traded their white shirt for a black one, so they wouldn’t stain it by accidentally spilling soup. They changed in record time, making sure they looked presentable and even putting in the effort to gel their hair back a little. They wiped the sweat from where their mask had been, and found a new gray one which wouldn’t get in the way while they ate, even if it did expose a little bit of the scarring on their face.

Then, Piers got distracted and finished the chess game with Constance they’d left halfway done. (They won, even with the AI setting cranked to the maximum difficulty.)

When Piers finally arrived downstairs for dinner, without their better half at their side, they found themself fashionably late, as always…but not too late. Pausing in the doorway, they scanned the crowded parlor room, taking notes on everyone who’d shown up for dinner.

President Kritzer from South Carolina. New Orleans Parish Commissioner Broussard and Baton Rouge Parish Commissioner Afar, but not their Queen, who hadn’t even come, as predicted. One notable face was missing from the room, which disappointed them; President Dubois was nowhere to be seen. 

Across the room, Piers spotted the man with ginger hair, the one who Grady had been sitting with. He was the only secretary or bodyguard or whatever he was present. Stepping further into the room, they pulled their jacket closer around them, as bodies pressed against them. They tried to blend in and not disturb anyone as they worked their way through the crowd, to where the man stood in the far corner.

“Hello! I don’t recognize you from the table earlier today.” 

He looked up from the floor at Piers, the slightly shocked look on his face morphing to more obvious discomfort.

“Your Majesty.” He gave a tight lipped smile, “I’m Sec. Darcey Olson. Dubois has a horrible migraine at the moment, so I’m filling in for him. He said you’d probably be looking for him, and he’s still willing to speak after dinner.” Piers offered him a hand to shake, and he did so, but not without a little hesitation. They already knew exactly who he was but, they just had to check- 

“Your last name, Olson.. any relation to Marcie?”

“She’s my older sister. We haven’t spoken in a while. I don’t know how we have the same parents.” 

“Marcie can be a bit…bossy.”

He eased, uncrossing his arms a little bit, “She’s been like that since before I can remember. We have a decent age gap between us, so we didn’t grow close as kids. Marcie seems to have forcibly made Hansel and Gretel do sibling bonding.”

“Hey! I see you’ve met Piers.” Councilor Johnson came up behind Piers, knocking playfully into their shoulder, before greeting Darcey with a joking military salute.

Darcey laughed, “Yeah. It’s strange.” 

What the hell do you mean strange?

Johnson and Darcey began to chat, and Piers zoned out, listening to a conversation behind them between Councilors Mason and Miles. They angled themself just a little bit so they could see the edge of Mason’s face as she spoke.

“...a threat. We all saw the video, with the effigy. With Adele gone, they think the monarchy and by extension the government is weak. We’re all doomed if Jillian Piers can’t stop being so fucking wishy-washy and take an actual stance and do something. We’ll be better off throwing her to the wolves and letting the monarchy end.” Mason whispered, but she was definitely being a little loud on purpose.

Miles scoffed a little, keeping their voice low, “Fantasia, please. That kid is our only chance. If Piers dies, we’re all doomed. We gain more from keeping them around. Adele abdicated. Piers is Monarch. It’s a new era, and I honestly think they’re gonna do better than most of us give them credit for. I’m gonna make the best of it, and retire comfortably in a few years…

Damn. they’d never heard Miles say anything good about them. Ever.

“For fucks sake Shanna, Adele’s dead. You don’t have to suck the ‘queen’s’ dick anymore-”

Piers whipped around, but Miles was already down Mason’s throat, raising her voice. “I may let you slide misgendering me, but the moment you imply Adele was not a woman, I will say something. She may have been a bitch, and I may not have liked her, but at least I respected her.”

The surrounding people, including Piers, were shocked into silence. Councilor Mason rolled her eyes with a huff, and stormed off into the crowd. The paused conversations resumed.

“I didn’t think you’d do that.” was the first thing Piers could think to say to Miles. 

She stiffened a little, as if she was going to make a rude comment, before letting out a long sigh. “It’s…You understand. I’ll stand up for others before I stand up for myself. I’ve only ever presented as female while serving in government positions, and Mason still makes purposefully transphobic comments.” 

Piers nodded, “I appreciate it. And if Mason ever gives you issues, please let me know.”

“Thank you.” Miles actually smiled at them, before changing the topic, “I guess it’s time to let everyone in. Marcie’s daughter told me it should be ready at 8:15 and it’s 8:20 now.”

“I’ll help you with the doors then.” 

Piers and Miles squeezed through the crowd, to the doors leading to the formal dining room. In sync, they opened the doors, and a gust of cool air blew into the parlor. Like cattle, the crowd followed the herd through the doors, flooding into the dining room. They took their places at the long table, their spots assigned with tiny nametags. Piers gestured for Miles to head to the table, and she thanked them, before letting the heavy door fall shut behind her.

The room’s loud chatter died down as Piers approached the table, standing behind their seat like everyone else. Once again, they sat at the head. Every set of eyes were latched upon them, waiting.

“My esteemed guests, I’d like to thank you for joining me these few days in celebration. Yesterday marked the beginning of a new era for this state. You’ve heard me talk enough earlier today, so with no further adieu, let’s eat.”

Piers took their seat between Councilor Johnson and Councilor Sidney. Chairs scraped and voices rang as everyone took their own seats, ordering food and chatting with old friends and new enemies. Waiters came and went, taking orders, pouring drinks, delivering plates, and clearing the table. Guests ordered whatever they wanted off the digital menu, as many servings as they wanted. The table stayed full of plates and drinks.

Councilor Sidney ordered four large bowls of the vegan corn chowder right off the bat. Gretel was the one to deliver their food, and she put a hand on their back, whispering something in their ear. Sidney flushed red. 

Prime Minister Cohen got a platter of roast beef dropped in her lap, and she profusely apologized to the poor waitress, instead of the other way around.

Councilor Miles went through three glasses of sweet tea, before one of the waiters just brought her a whole pitcher, which she finished off in record time.

Darcey played with his food and separated it into piles, but he seemed too nervous to eat anything. He excused himself from the table after a few moments, his face green.

Councilor Mason stirred the pot, towards the end of the table, starting arguments for no reason other than to start them.

Gretel tapped Piers’ shoulder as she sat a steak in front of them, accompanied by roasted asparagus.  

“Watch your food.” She warned, and they thanked her. Piers nudged the asparagus to the side with their fork, then cut up the steak. It was so raw it still bled (perfect), and they grabbed a roll from one of the baskets, soaking up the juice.

Piers didn’t want to look like a heathen, but they were starving. They could eat anything and everything put in front of them. 

Well, unless it was green beans. 

They hated green beans. 

And they didn’t eat shellfish either, because that would send them to the emergency room.

As dinner dragged on, and the alcohol started to flow for real, tongues finally began to loosen.  People tended to talk a little bit more, and spill their secrets. King Chastain had a new mistress. Tennessee’s lieutenant governor had been found killed, a shotgun blast to the head. Louisiana was beginning preparations to remove Queen Consort Gauthier from power, due to her excessive absence. President Dubois supposedly got married.

“President Dubois got married?” Piers whispered to Councilor Johnson, who shrugged, before speaking down the table a little bit.

“Hey Darcey, did Dubois get married? That news didn’t make it up here?” He sounded shocked. 

Darcey choked a little on whatever he was eating, and took a long sip of his wine, before he finally spoke. “Uhhh…yeah, after his last election. He and his partner are both pretty quiet about it, to protect the both of them…plus his partner is just as shy as he is.”

“Is he really shy, or does he have something to hide? That guy ain’t normal. I met him years back and he’s fucking weird.” Councilor Miles drawled as she leaned back in her chair, saying almost exactly what was on Piers’ mind.

Collective sounds of agreement sounded from around the table; it seemed like Piers wasn’t alone in their curiosity. Darcey’s hands shook so bad, he almost dropped his glass.

“H-He’s just…he has issues, with people…”

“That’s why he’s not here? Does he actually go to anything? Or did he make you come to dinner because he’s too good to eat with the other leaders? He’s been invading half our borders.” Councilor Miles continued, going a little past teasing as she leaned on the table. Darcey sunk into his chair, face bright red. Piers wasn’t sure how much more they’d be able to stand themself, from the second-hand embarrassment.

“Shanna, that's enough.” Councilor Johnson intervened, thumping his fist on the wooden table to get her attention. She slid back down into her seat, muttering curses at him, and the room awkwardly went back to talking. Darcey excused himself from the table for the fourth time that night, but this time, he didn’t come back.

Once most had finished dessert, and a few more people had started to leave, Gretel slipped a piece of foil-wrapped cake into their hands. “My uncle wants you to take this to Dubois. Apparently, the cake is Dubois’ favorite and he’s already waiting in the Rooftop for you. I’ve got this from here.”

Piers thanked her, again, before standing and addressing the group one last time, telling them to enjoy themselves and that they were retiring for the night. A chorus of faint goodbyes wished them farewell as they left, slipping out of the dining room and into the Palace. Moonlight streamed through the large windows to their right, which overlooked ATLZoS. It was dark, but the city was visibly alive. Spitting in the face of an apocalypse of the undead, it was alive. 

The halls were eerily quiet as they approached the center of the Palace, heading towards the main elevators. This dark didn’t scare them, like the Lab. This was home. These were the halls they’d slid down in socks since they were young, and the same halls they’d probably die in.

Seconds after they pressed the button for the elevator, the doors opened. Piers stepped in, hesitating for a second, before bumping their wrist against the scanner and selecting the top floor. The Rooftop was a common room, just for the Royal Family and their most favored guests. It was a strange choice, in Piers’ opinion. They paced back and forth as the digital numbers ticked up.

When it stopped, they readied themself once more, shoulders back, head tilted up, feet firm on the ground.

Nothing was going to go wrong. Piers was going to make sure of it.

TAGLIST (dm to be +/-) @author-a-holmes @soul-write @flowerprose @ceph-the-ghost-writer @theglitchywriterboi @when-wax-wings-melt @thechaoticflowergarden @lyralit @penspiration-writing @samatedeansbroccoli @charlesjosephwrites @italiangothicwriteblr @thetruearchmagos @pineapple-lover-boy @unilightwrites @sanguine-arena @bardic-tales @joshuaorrizonte @blind-the-winds @circa-specturgia @hymnonlips @aloeverawrites @the-stray-storyteller @writeblrsupport @starlit-skys @kyuponstories @guessillcallitart @magic-is-something-we-create @talesofsorrowandofruin @writingonmymind @imslowlydisintegrating @worldsfromhoney

NYTF WIP PAGE

[radioactivepeasant]

Fic Prompts: Folklore Friday

(Continuing from this one)

Once upon a time there was a baron who angered a witch.

This was a vast oversimplification, of course. The witch was no blameless enchantress, and the baron had done his best to kill her. But as the witnesses were all extraordinarily dead or bespelled, and the Kingswood had overtaken the roads within a month, all anyone knew was that there was once a baron, and he had angered the witch.

Gregor had been away from human company for twelve years by the time the two children managed to get into his garden. They had been very fortunate to have arrived during daylight. In the years following his transformation, Gregor had taught himself some useful, but rather nasty, magics to keep Mother Ginger away from his home. As a result, the rose beds had developed a taste for blood whenever the sun went down.

Gregor scratched his muzzle idly and examined the two frightened children shuffling along behind him. He didn't blame them for being afraid. Mother Ginger had taken a particular pleasure in twisting his features into the most frightening mixture she could think of.

"Are you going to eat us?" the little girl asked suddenly.

Gregor clenched his teeth to keep himself from answering that he was not the forest-dweller they should have been worried about.

"Absolutely not," he said firmly. "I was once human, myself. I never eat anything that can talk."

"Oh." The girl pushed her tangled black hair behind her ear. "How come you're a monster now?"

The other child, presumably the girl's older brother, made a dismayed noise. "Greta! Don't be rude!"

Gregor stopped to hang up his trowel in the mudroom and wiped his paws on a mat. "Oh, it's alright. I told a wicked witch to get out of my woods and she didn't like it."

He stepped into an enormous kitchen and rubbed his hands together. "Oh huzzah, they've already lit the stove. It was getting cold out there!"

Hans and Greta watched warily as the horned lion-man bent over to warm his hands over the stove. He waved at a wide table behind him that was still covered with a dusting of flour.

"You can sit anywhere you like," he said, "the stools won't usually move unless they're busy."

Hans blinked. "What do you mean?"

Gregor glanced up. "Oh. Right. The furniture is alive."

Brother and sister clung to each other suddenly, and Gregor realized he probably could have approached that a little more delicately.

Mother Ginger had wanted them all to feel as alone as possible. When she'd turned the half of his staff she hadn't killed into furniture, she'd brought the rest of the furniture to life as well. Now nobody knew who had once been human, and who had always been a coat rack.

"It's only magic, little ones," Gregor tried to reassure the children, "Nothing to fear."

He set a kettle on the stovetop, then moved off to a cabinet to pull out a tin of tea leaves. He squinted down into it.

"Hm. Chamomile, I think. You two don't look like you need to be kept up late."

Leaning into a storage area, he called, "Has anyone seen the cured sausage?"

A long-handled ladle bounced down from its rack and hopped along the counter to point upwards. Gregor looked up and saw the links hanging from another cabinet door.

"Ah! Thank you!"

"That's a big big spoon," Greta said thoughtfully.

"Ladle, actually," Gregor corrected. "They're a little sensitive about that."

He brought the sausages over to the table and noted the famished glint in the children's eyes. "You two don't look like you've eaten well," he remarked.

Hans dearly hoped the Beast was truly as kind as he seemed. "No sir. The crops have failed, and there isn't enough for us all. That's why our father decided to lose us."

The Beast's nostrils flared, and his eyes burned gold. "You mean to tell me," he growled, "That your own father tossed you out into the woods instead of sharing his food with you?"

"He said we had a better chance of surviving by foraging!" Hans said indignantly.

At least this terrifying creature believed him. In the past, when Jack had come up with hare-brained schemes that left his wife and children to clean up the mess, he always managed to charm his way out of taking the blame. It was always bad luck, or bad magic.

"Doesn't the dunderhead know what kinds of things live in the woods?" Gregor sputtered, "The Kingswood is the worst place to leave a child unattended! You're fortunate you found me and not someone else!"

He groaned and massaged his temples. "Well that's that, then. I can't send you back until I've had a...conversation...with your parents."

The steam kettle whistled merrily, and Gregor stood up to bring it to the table. In moments, Hans and Greta each held a steaming teacup. Greta sipped slowly and didn't take her eyes off Gregor. Hans simply held his cup.

"Um. Thank you," he said at last, "My name is Hans. That's my sister, Greta. Who are you?"

The Beast sat down across from them. "I," he said simply, "am the lost baron, Gregory Carnadine of Carnadine House. And for the time being, your host."

[sagau-my-beloved]

i am a total nerd when it comes to like humans and what they make and what they do. like i love mythology, i adore history (especially the weird bits because its like "yeah that scans"), and i love explaining like ancient humans. i just. humans. they're funny little guys!

so like literally every researcher/historian/scientist in teyvat is going to be laser focused on my ramblings because what is essentially trivia to me is literal god knowledge to them

also hilarious shenanigans where mythology is taken as fact like djfjsnfn. no, there is no giant that actually holds up the sky, volcanic eruptions are not a fire deity having a tantrum that day, etc. its all stories

also some folktales and bedtime stories spread wide, like the princess and the pea, jack and the beanstalk, hansel and gretel, cinderella, the little mermaid, etc.

just. our worlds got LORE to it, and i am obsessed with all of it, and i must convert my acolytes into it as well.

special funny option: teaching them memes. oh my god

Really they'd all be hanging on to every word you said regardless of exactly what knowledge you were conveying

Like you could be talking about the in's and out's of how to properly keep succulents, how a pure capitalist society or a system following the idea of laissez faire 'free market' business would actually lead to authoritarian rule from created monopolies, or the difference between water based and alcohol based markers on specific types of fiber paper, it wouldn't matter either way

But in particular with history and mythology, you would probably end up inventing a whole new kind of study

Like history and myths from your world are important to you right? Then they deserve to be carefully documented and studied by the best and brightest minds from all the regions of your world

You're gonna have to be very, very clear about what actually happened, and what was simply a story passed down

And even then those are going to be mixed up a few times

No, there wasn't actually a giant God that ate his kids and then was torn apart by one of them—

No you can't make functional wings out of wax and feathers, pls just stick with the wind gliders, it's way more efficient—

I promise your Electro God is way better than the Greek one—

It's gonna be a whole thing, you're probably going to have to repeat yourself and specify a lot of things so they can fully get it into their head that a lot of that stuff isn't actually real

Now memes is a whole nother can of worms, good luck even explaining that one, show them a meme with no context or start using slang heavily and watch as they struggle to comprehend any of what's going on

Another really fun one that I might go into more detail about another time is accents, cause I've got a little bit of a southern one, which everyone knows kind of leads to weird shortened phrases and heavy conjunctions, but try to imagine them attempting to understand someone with like a full on Scottish accent, or any of the other technically English one's that can sound so far from English-

[madamebaggio]

Notes: A few months ago I had this choose your ship thing for longer posts and I kinda didn’t do all of them...

So Gretel and Nuada were the winners of their group. And better late than never *laughs nervously*

I still have a few more to do, but we’re going by parts.

Remember you can find all of their snippets under their tag, or organized here.

***

As his Royal Elfiness had told Gretel the night before, they were ready to leave at dawn.

He shook her awake -none too gently -and told her to get ready. She’d slept in her clothes, because she didn’t trust him, but most of her weapons had been taken from her.

She’d thought they’d leave without talking to anyone, but the King was waiting for them.

“If fairies took your brother, he’s at their court.” He informed her. “It’s a dangerous place to go, especially for a human. Nuada will guide you.”

Gretel pressed her lips together, and didn’t say anything. She was planning on getting rid of the elf as soon as possible, but she might need him to point her in the right direction.

Edward and Ben were waiting for her in the village from where Hansel was taken. If she could get to them, they could find Hansel without the prince’s help. Or maybe not.

Edward had been reluctant to even tell her about the elves. If they were saying that the fairy court was dangerous, it was probably bad.

She didn’t care, though. Gretel would crawl into hell if it meant saving her brother.

“Did they leave a changeling in place of your brother?” The King asked her.

Gretel frowned. “No. They just took him.”

He nodded. “You must be careful. Fairies are willful creatures and you still don’t know why they took him. They will want something in exchange for him.”

“If he’s alive.” Nuada grumbled.

The king gave him a look, then turned his eyes back to Gretel. “Fairies are not to be trusted. Be careful.”

Gretel at least got the impression that the King was honestly trying to help. The same couldn’t be said for his son.

“Thank you.” She told the King. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

He nodded at her. “Good luck. I hope you find your brother.”

“Let’s go.” Nuada called, already turning his back.

Gretel rolled her eyes, gave the King one last look over her shoulder and followed the prince.

The woman from the day before was waiting for them by the door. She talked to Nuada in whispered tones. He put a hand on her shoulder, replied in a language Gretel couldn’t understand, then started walking again.

“Good luck, Lady Gretel.” The woman told her warmly.

“Not a lady.” Gretel offered her a small smile. “But thank you.”

“Don’t let him push you around.” She added in a lower voice.

“You don’t need to worry about that.”

***

Gretel wasn’t expecting the elf to be polite -at all. At least he was quiet.

He didn’t talk to her at all, not even to tell her where they were going. He kept moving ahead and she just hoped he was actually going somewhere and not just making her walk in circles.

As far as she could see, they were constantly moving West, which meant she was leaving Ben and Edward farther and farther behind. She needed to find a way to let them know where she was and what she was doing.

Nuada spoke only a few words to her during the day. Most of them were to let her know they were stopping, which wasn't that many times.

She didn’t know about his endurance, but sometimes she felt he was stopping for her benefit, even if the breaks were short. He was carrying his own bag, but he didn’t have as much as she had to carry -her crossbow was heavy.

But she refused to complain. She thought he was expecting it.

When he finally decided they should stop for the night, Gretel’s legs were about to give up. She was used to walking -a lot -and she was prepared for a fight at any moment. However, his rhythm was faster than what she was used to.

And again… She refused to complain.

“No fire.” He said. “We don’t know what might be out there.”

She snorted. “No shit.”

He gave her a long look. “Witch hunter.”

Gretel arched an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“It’s been a while since I saw one of your kind.” He commented. “You tend to die young.”

She snorted. “Well, we have a special talent.”

He hummed, but didn’t say anything else. His eyes were studying her, and she wondered at what he could see.

Nuada took a seat opposite to her. “Eat something. Nuala packed bread for you.”

“Your sister?”

His head whipped in her direction.

“Please.” She scoffed. “I have a brother, I know how those things go. The way she told me not to let you be an asshole sounded like something a sister would say.”

“I doubt my sister would say something like that.” He hissed at her.

“She is much more polite and pleasant.” Gretel said just to annoy him. “Are you sure you’re related?”

His eyes were fixed on her for a long, tense minute, before he sighed. “You test my patience, human.” 

She scoffed again. “I was about to say the same thing.”

He turned his head, clearly dismissing her. “I do not particularly care about your comfort.”

Gretel narrowed her eyes. “You should. If you keep making this difficult for me, it’ll be my pleasure to make it unbearable for you.”

Oh, he wasn’t happy. If looks could kill, she’d be dead already.

“Remember…” He spoke, his voice deadly cold. “You need my help.”

Gretel scoffed. She hadn’t been through all the shit she had for a fucking elf to treat her like this. “I’ve never asked for it and I’m sure I can survive without it.”

Sure, maybe she didn’t know a thing about fairies and the like, but she wasn’t an idiot. She could do this on her own. There was no reason to stick around this idiot, especially if he expected her to treat him like a prince or her savior. That wasn’t flying with her.

But apparently her attitude wasn’t what he’d expected.

“Do. Not. Test. Me.” He hissed.

Gretel wondered if he’d just leave if she annoyed him enough. It’d actually be a good deal for her. She wasn’t so sure she could escape him on her own.

It did sting a bit to admit that, but Gretel tended to be realistic. 

So she behaved like a brat. “Bite me.”

There was a moment of silence, and his expression changed. He wasn’t coldly furious anymore, he was…

Something else.

His eyes took her in slowly. “Is that an offer?”

Gretel was agape. “Am I not a dirty human?”

He arched an eyebrow. “I never said that.”

She rolled her eyes. “You didn’t have to.”

“So it wasn’t an offer?”

She rolled her eyes again. “No, it wasn’t.”

Nuada snickered. “Go to sleep, little hunter. Your legs are going to be begging for mercy in the morning, but we have a lot of terrain to cover.”

Great.

Just great.

[venus-says]

Yes! Pretty Cure 5 GoGo Episodes 13-24

Forget about everything, this is an Urara fan account now.

Part 2 of the GoGo reviews, reaching the mid-point of the season. And I honestly don't know where to start?

Like, I'm still enjoying the season and they had some pretty good episodes in this portion I'm covering now, but different from the beginning where it seemed like there was a pretty good and coherent 12-episodes arc happening, it didn't feel like we had this progression in here. Which it doesn't necessarily hurt the series, it just hurts me because I don't know how to tackle this post since there's not much of a linear thing going on. XD Probably the only linear thing going on is the mystery about Syrup's past and how we have his arc developing, and that is pretty good, don't get me wrong, but if I would write a post based on that I would be talking about only 4 or 5 episodes out of 12. XD

When thinking about these episodes we can kinda separate them into four groups, we have four fairy tale episodes, six episodes focused for each one of the main girls, two episodes for the bigger picture, and one episode that is completely disconnected from everything and it's definitely the low point of this section and of the season so far.

Going on first at the stand-alone episode, Episode 17. The reason why I don't like this episode it's because it's one of those episodes where a famous comedian does a cameo on the show, and I honestly don't know who thought it was a good idea to make these a thing. These cameos should be just cameos, not an entire episode focused on this comedian, who most definitely isn't what the targeted audience consumes or wants to consume, so there's not an actual reason to put them there for more than a couple of scenes in the first place. Not even to mention how awkward it is having them trying to dub their characters, at least for the guy in this episode if felt like he was not comfortable at all while saying his lines, it was just a pretty bad experience.

But moving on, at the beginning of this second act, a new general of Eternal is introduced and thanks to her we have a series of episodes that watching them from the future seems like were ideas of episodes for Smile Precure. XD And I really like the addition of Shibiretta and her powers of creating these pocket dimensions or so based on fairy tales and storybooks because it helps to break a little of the usual stuff we would see happening just in their city and it's a pretty decent change of pace, I also like how she works by dividing the team because we can see more of their dynamics like this and it's all just very fun.

Like, my favorite episode of these is the episode focused on Komachi and Karen where they're brought in to the world of Hansel and Gretel with Nozomi and they end up captured in the candy house, but together Karen and Komachi get to trick Shibiretta into leaving them alone which gives Nozomi the chance of getting to the house and helping them escape, and it's just so clever and so fun at the same time, is amazing. I also love the creative ways in which they used Emerald Saucer and Sapphire Arrow in the episode, I feel like precure doesn't do that enough with attacks that have a stock footage for them so whenever that happens it always makes me very happy. And speaking of creative powers, can we talk about how versatile Mint is? Like, she's a defensive cure on her core, but in this season we've seen her attacking, defending, and giving support with her attack that is technically just a green circle thing, it's so amazing and it proves that defensive cures can work outside just creating barriers and we need more cures like her.

The character-focused episodes were a bit of a hit or miss, Urara had an excellent episode but the other girls didn't have the same luck. Nozomi's episode where she tutors Rin's siblings was pretty good and marked a very important step for her considering her dream of becoming a teacher, and it was very sweet in a lot of moments, but they added stuff in there with Syrup and Coco that didn't feel like it belonged in that episode and thus brings it down a little. Rin is kinda funny and tragic at the same time because she's the only one to get two episodes, but since them are so focused on her friendship with Nozomi and since Nozomi has such a huge presence both episodes end up being more about Nozomi than Rin so we still don't get a lot of her. Komachi's episode was cute but also a bit forgettable because I feel like they didn't use to the fullest the concept of her being concerned for her sister's future. Karen's episode also suffers from this, I feel like since they shared her episode with the Urashima Taro tale her conflict of not being able to tell her parents about her plans for the future ends up being put in the back and the episode loses itself on that a little bit. And Kurumi's episode fails because it's supposed to be the episode where her identity is revealed, but since it was pretty obvious that Kurumi is Milk the episode doesn't work in the way they thought it should.

As I mentioned Urara's episode is the only one to stand out here. First, because of the technical parts, the composition of the scenes, the use of colors and lighting, it's all very beautiful, and while the drawings and the animation aren't perfect all the time, they invested where they should and all keen scenes are a delight to the eyes. I also really like the plot of the episode, this episode is for both Urara and Syrup, but different from the episodes for Rin and Nozomi, here it feels like a more equal thing, you know? This episode is to show Syrup that affection, support, and caring for people can come in different ways, not just the obvious ones, just as much as this episode is to show how Urara's dream is hard for her to achieve but because it's so important to her she holds to it and she gains strength for keep pushing forward in order to reach it. Also putting this one in conjunction with episode 4 we can see they're drawing a relationship between Syrup and Urara, I don't know how much the show wants it to be romantic because we didn't have much about it yet, but if they want to go this route I feel like it's a pairing that I can buy, both because they seem to regulate in age and they also had this thing being developed slowly, different from Coco X Nozomi and Nuts x Komachi. Also Urara's song this time around is way better than her old song.

Now for the big picture, the things of the major plot. While we had only two episodes dedicate to moving this plot forward (23 and 24) we had small bits of this happening here and there. To begin in episode 13 we have established that Syrup is not native from the Palmier Kingdom and he has no memories of his life before getting there, which becomes important for the plot of episodes 23 and 24 to happen. Then in episode 14 King Doughnuts suddenly isn't bound to the pact anymore, he goes back to his kingdom, and in the next episode we're greeted with the next monarch, Queen Bavarois, who's more or less just used as a joke but that finally gave the girls the ability to use their phone-like transformation devices as a communication tool in episode 19. The final things to appear before episodes 23 and 24 is Syrup's quarrel with Coco and the crown of the Palmier Kingdom appearing out of nowhere to them.

And it's in that last part where most of my problems of this part reside, because while Syrup was always bickering Coco it was never so aggressive, so mean spirited as it happened in episode 22 and it felt out of place there. I think they missed putting the thing that flipped the switch and make Syrup really angry at Coco and with how he was acting so it would make the anger feel justifiable and would make the events of episodes 23 and 24 have more impact.

And speaking of those two episodes, while they were a pretty good climax for the mid of the season it also felt like some of the things that happened there shouldn't have happened at this moment but in the climax for the end of the season instead. More specifically Syrup and Coco meeting the Director and out of this encounter we getting a resolution for Coco and Syrup's relationship, a hint that Syrup has a relation with the Director and a hint that the Director and Flora also have a thing. Maybe not for Coco and Syrup, but it felt like it was too early to drop the hints, if not too early I think it got shoved way into our faces. Like, the big bad guy who's supposed to be very powerful just let Coco and Syrup go because he was shocked when he listened to Flora's name, it's already weird that the dude didn't move a finger when Syrup gets into the room with the Rose Pact on hand, then he flinches with the mention of Flora and then afterward we have a scene of him thinking of her making it obvious that there's more here, it wasn't a flinch that could pass as if it was nothing as if it was a case of "he hates her" or "his nemesis was mentioned", the way they presented it made it look very obvious that there was a previous relationship here, and if that's the case I feel like it would be more beneficial if we had this information closer to the final episodes. But we still have half of the season to go so maybe they'll work that on in a longer way for the next episodes.

My final problem with this whole thing is just how useless they made Nuts be, like he was left behind in the human world when everyone else was sent to Eternal, and at the end Coco summons the power of the crown by himself and it's framed like he's being crowned as the one and only king. It feels like Nuts was downgraded to one of the Monarchs that transformed themselves into Palmins because at this point that's how much relevant he has been, heck at this time his screen time is probably just as big as Doughnut and Bavarois, it's ridiculous. Not to mention that there's only one crown and we should technically have two kings, but they mentioned the crown was lost when the kingdom was first attacked so that's at least justifiable, but it shows just how they don't care for him at all and makes me question why is he still here, like if he's not gonna do anything here at least send him back to the Palmier Kingdom, you know?

But in any case, with the power of the crown, the cures got new weapons and a new group attack, AND I LOVE THEM. I LOOOOOOVEthe fleurets, it's one of my favorite precure weapons ever, I love their design, it's pretty much a lightsaber but gay and I love everything about it, and I also think it's pretty cool how the names of each Fleuret reflects their attacks from season one. And while the CGI roses they use are a bit odd, I love how in the attack they look like knights' stances, I know they're not really knights but there's something very Three Musketeers going on in the imagery, like if they were a royal guard of sorts, which it's pretty cool considering this power-up came from the crown of a king so it has this extra special feeling.

And that pretty much does it for now, GoGo has been a very strong and very consistent season so far, I'm loving talking about it, no joke, this is one of the few instances where I sit down to write and everything just flows naturally, it's being a joy not just to watch but also to write about it. But these are just my feelings, let me know what you think of these episodes in specific or your feelings about GoGo in general, I'll love to read them. Stay healthy, stay safe, never stop resisting, thank you so so much for reading, and until the next time. See-ya, everyone~

[slothcritic]

Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Episode 4 Review

Hit-or-miss introduction makes way for some golden moments.

The opening skit for Snakeway to Heaven has a satisfactory comedic weight to it, though upon re-watching it for this review, I noticed an editing mistake I had never noticed before, despite becoming a fan of the series in 2012. When Goku falls off Snake Way, the scene actually freezes on that frame. It wouldn't be noticeable if the truck itself hadn't frozen as well. Small gripe but I thought it was an interesting observation to share.

[Title Sequence]

Goku's scream carries over into the first few seconds of the intro and resumes near the last few seconds, which I found to be a well played editing decision.

Once Goku has stopped falling, we're treated to an amusing take on the filler ogres from hell. The blue one is given the Swedish Hansel-und-Gretel accent while the red one speaks like a German or Austrian. And puritan as ever, KaiserNeko made sure to use the original, unedited footage. It would’ve been funny to see them maybe have a scene or two with the ogres wearing their different HFIL shirts, or maybe a bit more fun poked at the Ocean Dub, but no such luck in this scene.

TFS doesn't spend too much time on this scene at all, really. It’s filler, and so nothing here really matters to the story aside from laugh-factor. The comedic nature of this first scene is that it’s rushed. Goku swindles the two ogres out of a fight, like he’s trying to swindle the show into skipping this filler arc, as he immediately guns it for the exit... and then stops?

It would've been a much more emphatic punchline if the scene had changed right here. Instead we have an awkward stop-and-go motion to the scene they're trying to orchestrate and it feels stilted. A lot of this scene after Goku finds the exit I find to be entirely unneeded. Raditz has already been established as being in Other World so the callback here wasn't necessary, the special King Yemma fruit could be argued for having no plot relevance as it never existed in the manga, and we didn't really need that post-Goku scene to get the hint that these ogres were very chummy with each other when it came to subjects like oil wrestling and speedos.

But then, where would they put that great joke about the Blood Fountain? And the small dialogue about Dabura I did find risible as a fan of the original DBZ, despite my usual curmudgeonly take on yet-to-be-established jokes. Like many things, this does get much better as the series continues, eventually turning some moments of sequence-breaking into moments of well-crafted foreshadowing. This is just a funny pointless joke, and a nod to fans of DBZ, that has no impact on the actual story of DBZA itself.

Again, this isn't too much of a big deal. Just a whole work-with-what-you've-got bizarre scenario likely due to bizarre source material. Yet this was all deemed funny enough to edit, voice and keep in the episode instead of trimming it out like the other 90% of this mini-arc. I'm not convinced the presentation was done to par, but I do feel that the inclusion of "Goku in Hell" is necessary for the sake of tying loose ends together. Also, it would've been a far more egregious decision to have that cold open end in a do-nothing cliff hanger. So, a goofy scene and perhaps iffy writing, but not terrible.

We then return to the person who has so far been the breadwinner of the series, and Piccolo hasn't let up on either the humor or Gohan. Kind of a contrast to how somber he is in the show. It's not whack-a-doodle humor, it's exaggerated frustration and exasperation, which lands almost dead-center on my humor nexus.

But even better than Piccolo has to be this next scene - Debatably the first "meme" or seriously quotable moment in the show's history: Popo's Pecking Order.

On paper this doesn't look like it'd be necessarily funny, but when you attach to it a very do-nothing character like Mr Popo and turn him into a sadistic dictator, combined with the special emphasis and excellent delivery of the line, it's simply outstanding, and raises the bar for this entire episode.

Now I've said before that the source material of Z shouldn't factor into the end product that is DBZA. If I were to show this episode to my mother, I shouldn't have to show her all 291 episodes of Z so she can understand it. The show should be able stand on its own. That's not to say parody should have zero factor in the writing of this, or that there should be zero references at all, ever. By god what a silly thing to imply. But people can still enjoy Spaceballs even if they haven't seen Star Wars.

However, in the case of Mr Popo, DBZA does a good job of setting up Popo in the same way Z does. He initially speaks in a low, subdued tone, and is spoken of by Kami as some kind of adviser, or perhaps a respected peer, but as someone who is indirectly and respectfully implied to be below him. After all, it's called Kami's Lookout, not Popo's Lookout, and Kami is literally regarded as "The Guardian of Earth" while Popo just appears to be... there.

That all changes the second Kami leaves the outdoor area and Popo is entrusted with the reigns of the new Z Fighters. LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS!

The Krillin Owned Count also chimes three in this scene, and shows its first signs of picking up momentum.

Back on Snake Way, Goku gets eaten by the head of snake way, which leads into Jadoshin's palace. This is such a quick, cheesy, quirky but funny edit that I'm not sure what to say beyond I enjoyed it. It just hits you and then boom, you're in her castle.

The joke of Jadoshin being voiced by Solid Snake (Princess Snake, Solid Snake, on Snake Way) seems like a bold strategy but I think it's one of the better jokes they've committed to that ended up being really good, at least this early on. The voice even lends itself to the awkward dialogue that would've simply lost its charm or fallen flat otherwise.

Unrelated, but one of my favorite lines from the dub happens in this scene, where Jadoshin's attendant simply says "I've got something to show you. And it's my gun.", and then kills herself with it. I didn't expect to see that in this scene, but a small part of me did hope.

When Goku finishes up in the hot springs (with a Metal Gear Solid box gag to boot) and tries to leave, Jadoshin then states that she wants Goku inside her. Goku is confused, of course, and smash cut to Goku flying for his life from a massive green fire-breathing snake trying to eat him.

Jadoshin however still has the voice of Solid Snake even in this form, complete with periodic grunts as they maneuver through the air. This eventually transitions into Jadoshin saying waka-waka, and the backdrop changes into a Pac-Man map. The Pac-Man skit was perhaps a bit overdone, with Goku finding meat instead of the normal fruit, but on the whole this was a very "solid" scene.

During the Ozaru scene, I feel like Piccolo just screaming "MOOOOOOOON!" in the DBZA Kai version is funnier than the "Stop mocking me!" we got in DBZA proper. Also, donkey kong barrel, really? It's not bad, but it's an "oh, brother" moment, like hearing a very bad pun.

When Gohan transforms back into his human (or Half-Saiyan technically) form, his junk is censored with a Dragon Ball. This is an interesting contrast in philosophy over the years, as KaiserNeko explained the decision "to not censor baby dicks" in a Episode Breakdown livestream on the Broly Abdridged movie, where Broly's baby wiener can be seen uncensored in a few scenes of that movie.

The episode ends with Goku continuing down Snake Way, having tied Jadoshin up into a tangled ball, prompted the GAME OVER screen and someone yelling "Princess Snaaaaaake!"

Conclusion

Despite my lackluster thoughts on how Hell was handled, this episode had a lot going for it compared to it's predecessors! Most of the episode was spent on two strong scenes, and while I didn't think the Ozaru scene was anything special, it didn't feel out of place or off-kilter, but provided more insight and I suppose world-building into the relationship between Piccolo and Gohan and the constant reminder that they're training to eventually face off against the Saiyans. This is further reinforced by Stinger #2 with Nappa and Vegeta en route to Earth.

This was almost opposite to Episode 3, which I felt had strong bookends. While I didn't find the end of this episode to be bad, it was simply "alright" when compared to the Popo and Jadoshin scenes. Characters are starting to have stronger internal identities instead of simply being parodies of their original counterparts. Though it is noteworthy, and rather obvious, that this only applies to characters with speaking lines. Tien, Yamcha and Chiaotzu made their first appearances but had nothing to say. Maybe it would have been cluttered or detracted from the pacing of the Popo scene, but it may prove challenging to properly attach sentimentality to these characters in the short few episodes they have before the inevitable happens. 

Because y'know, nobody watched Dragon Ball.

Score: 73

Passing Thoughts

I liked that Stinger #1 dealt with the actual ramifications of DESTROYING THE MOON unlike the series proper did. I guess it was just no diff for the Dragon Ball world?

"He made a horrible mess of the blood fountain." "Looks fine to me." "IT USED TO BE WATER!"

"I killed everything here with my bare hands. Including the bear hands." -Pictured in the top left of the frame are actual bear hands.

"Stop grunting, it's creepy!"

"CLOTHES BEAM!" and “That is easily my most metro attack.”

[alexsfictionaddiction]

‘Life itself is the most wonderful fairytale of all.’

If you missed my announcement post last week, you may not know that I am a co-host of a wonderful readathon that will be taking place from 11th-18th August. My co-hosts are BookTubers Sam, Becky, Erica and Jordan and I would love if you could subscribe to all four of their channels. They are all fantastic creators and their videos deserve a LOT of love!

Today’s post aims to give you some inspiration for your FairytaleAThon TBR. The challenges for this round are in the above image and I’ve selected a few books that fit each one, which you’ll hopefully be interested in. FairytaleAThon encompasses original fairytales, myths, folktales and retellings of them so the possibilties are almost endless! Here are my very best recommendations:

1. THUMBELINA: Read a fairytale or retelling under 250 pages.

ELLA ENCHANTED BY GAIL CARSON LEVINE: 240 pages.

This very funny and sweet retelling of Cinderella is perhaps better known as a cute Anne Hathaway film but the source material is definitely worth the read. It follows Ella, who was given the curse of obedience by a fairy, when she was a baby. This means that she has to do anything that anyone tells her -fight monsters, let down her friends and even deny that she’s in love with the prince. However, there is a beautiful feminist resolution that is sure to delight modern fairytale lovers!

THE SNOW QUEEN BY HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN: 96 pages.

The story that inspired Frozen is over 200 years old but this beautiful new edition from independent publishing house Pushkin is worth picking up for the coverlust alone! The original tale is quite different to Disney’s version but it is still an epic story of love and loyalty in the harsh landscape of the snowy North. When a magic mirror breaks and curses Kay to be blind to all of the good in the world, he is taken by the Snow Queen and locked in her ice palace. It’s up to his friend Gerda to trek across the icy plains and rescue him and his frozen heart.

THE BROKEN SWORD BY POUL ANDERSON: 237 pages.

Inspired by Norse mythology, The Broken Sword is a dark high fantasy that has somehow been packed into just over 200 pages. Skafloc is a human boy who has been raised by elves amidst their war with the trolls. The elves require the use of the sword Tyrfing, which the mighty Thor broke in order to stop it destroying Yggdrasil -the tree that brings the earth, heavens and underworld together. Only the giant Bolverk can fix it and it’s Skafloc’s job to persuade him. As well as this huge undertaking, Skafloc also needs to face his dark changeling self! This is ideal for Tolkien fans who need a quick whimsical adventure in a strange land.

THE WILD SWANS BY HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN: 64 pages.

I’m aware that this is the second Christian Andersen Pushkin edition in this post but LOOK AT THEM! The Wild Swans is a little-known story about a princess whose 11 brothers are turned into swans by their evil stepmother. Despite being determined to break the curse, the stakes are high and huge sacrifices will need to be made to reunite the siblings. It’s a heartbreaking story about familial love and loyalty.

2. GENTLE GIANTS: Read a fairytale or retelling over 500 pages.

CRESS BY MARISSA MEYER: 560 pages.

This sci-fi retelling of Rapunzel is actually the third book in the Lunar Chronicles series. Although each book is a retelling of a different fairytale, the characters do overlap and therefore it is best to read them in order. The good news is that you have plenty of time before the readathon to read both preceding books -Cinder and Scarlet. The series is incredibly unique, quirky and funny with some truly shipworthy romances and madcap adventure.

COMPLETE FAIRY TALES BY BROTHERS GRIMM: 1019 pages.

Ok, so this may be cheating a little BUT what would FairytaleAThon be, if you didn’t dip into some classic original stories at some point? This Penguin Vintage Classics edition of the tales collected by the Brothers Grimm is a simple yet beautiful chunk of a book that I believe should be a staple in any fairytale lover’s library. Featuring the original gruesome versions of classics such as Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, Twelve Dancing Princesses and so many more, there is bound to be more than a few of these 279 twisted, disturbing stories that you love!

CHILDREN OF BLOOD AND BONE BY TOMI ADEYEMI: 544 pages.

It was one of the biggest books of last year and its sequel is on its way next year. Children of Blood and Bone is inspired by the Orisha (deities) of West African mythology. It follows Zelie, a young girl with magical powers in a world where magic has been taken away and people like her are hunted by a tyrannical king. However now she is on a quest to avenge her dead mother and restore magic to her homeland. Followed by her brother Tzain, a rogue princess Amari and enemy prince Inan, this is a truly unique YA fantasy that I found completely unputdownable.

WICKED BY GREGORY MAGUIRE: 512 pages.

This prequel to The Wizard of Oz is best known as a hit West End and Broadway musical but the source material is also a fantastic read. Elphaba has been an outcast and persecuted all her life because of her green skin and this doesn’t change when she starts at Shiz University, where she meets the beautiful, queen bee Galinda. After a reluctant start, they soon form a friendship and band together with Munchkin boy Boq and quiet Vinkus prince Fiyero to put the injustices of their world to rights. Spanning over years of Elphaba’s life, Wicked features forbidden love, high-stake drama and challenges your idea of what evil really is.

3. IF THE SHOE FITS: Read any fairytale or retelling on your TBR.

Of course you should use your own TBR for this challenge but I’ve chosen some popular releases over the last couple of years that just might be on your TBR anyway.

CIRCE BY MADELINE MILLER

Not only is it a beautiful book but the story inside is truly captivating, bewitching and heartbreaking. This is a feminist retelling of the Greek myth of Circe, the sorceress living alone on the island of Aiaia with a talent for potion-making and a penchant for turning sailors into animals. In this version, Circe is banished to Aiaia by Zeus when he feels threatened by her unique brand of magic. There she develops her craft, tames the animals, grows herbs and even encounters travellers such as Daedelus, Icarus and Odysseus. After angering both mortals and gods, she needs to decide where she truly belongs to protect the thing she loves most. Madeline Miller is a gorgeous writer and Circe is a masterpiece.

THE HAZEL WOOD BY MELISSA ALBERT

Although not a fairytale or a retelling, The Hazel Wood has many fairytale elements and therefore, I feel it more than qualifies for FairytaleAThon. It follows 17-year-old Alice who has spent most of her life moving around with her mother because bad luck and disaster seems to follow them around. Alice’s grandmother is the author of a book of dark fairytales set in mysterious Hinterland. When her grandmother dies and her mother goes missing, Alice has almost nothing to go on. She teams up with classmate Ellery Finch, who also happens to be a superfan of her grandmother’s stories, to find her mother and discover the secrets of her grandmother’s creation. It’s the perfect remedy if you’re craving some fast-paced, whimsical action. THE SILENCE OF THE GIRLS BY PAT BARKER

Ok so it’s ANOTHER Greek myth retelling but this is another book that should really be on your radar.  The Silence of the Girls tells the story of the women affected by the Trojan war, who have been largely ignored by the original myth. It focuses primarily on Briseis, a Trojan queen who became a concubine to Achilles after he murdered her husband and brothers. Her life in the Greek camp is a world away from the one she led in Troy and she is now a slave to the army. When commander Agamemnon wishes to claim Briseis as his own prize, she finds her fate entirely at the mercy of the two most powerful men of Greece as the war wages on. It’s an engaging accessible version of the story with some lovely female friendships, intricate and illicit romances and an ending that will definitely touch your heart.

GEEKERELLA BY ASHLEY POSTON

This quirky, nerdy YA romance is enormous fun to read! Vegan food-truck worker Elle is a superfan of hit sci-fi series Starfield, a love she shared with her late father. When a cosplay competition is announced to celebrate the upcoming movie reboot, Elle has to enter. The prize is a ticket to the Cosplay Ball at the fandom’s convention ExcelsionCon and a meet and greet with the new Prince Carmindor. However, when it’s announced that the role will be played by teen idol Darien Freeman (who her stepsisters are obsessed with) Elle isn’t hopeful he’ll do the part justice because surely a pretty boy actor doesn’t know the first thing about Starfield, right? Told through the viewpoints of both Elle and Darien via alternating chapters, it’s full of dramatic irony and the subtle similarities to the story of Cinderella are so fun to pick out. Our group book for this round is its recently released companion The Princess and the Fangirl, so what better reason to pick up Geekerella if you haven’t already?

4. CREATURES OF THE DEEP: Read a book with mermaids, sirens or sea monsters.

As this is a summer round of FairytaleAThon, my co-hosts and I decided that we wanted to dedicate a challenge to stories that feature cool blue waters. We agreed that this book doesn’t have to be a fairytale, folktale or retelling; it just has to feature a mythical aquatic creature.

TO KILL A KINGDOM BY ALEXANDRA CHRISTO

This dark retelling of The Little Mermaid sees Princess Lira as a ruthless collector of princes’ hearts. However, when she kills a fellow siren, the Sea Queen punishes her by turning her into a human and taking away her singing voice. She needs to bring back the heart of Prince Elian in order to return to the sea. Prince Elian is himself a siren-hunter and when he rescues a drowning Lira, she promises to help him destroy all sirens but of course, she has her own motives for getting close to him. Although I’ve seen mixed reviews for this book, I really enjoyed it for the concept. Lira is a much more powerful, more formidable figure than Ariel and the story is much more brutal. I’d definitely recommend it for anyone who feels like Ariel deserved more.

THE PISCES BY MELISSA BRODER

The Pisces is an incredibly strange novel about Lucy who has recently split from her long-term partner and is lacking inspiration for her thesis. In the hopes that it will help her forget her problems, she agrees to spend the summer in LA, looking after her sister’s house and foxhound. While there, she goes on a string of grisly Tinder dates, attends a therapy group for love addiction and falls in love with a mysterious but gorgeous surfer dude… who appears to have scales over the entirety of his lower body… It’s funny, it’s weird, it’s sad in parts but it’s also somehow bloody brilliant. Be warned that there are some pretty graphic sex scenes, so perhaps avoid it if you’re sensitive to that!

THE GLOAMING BY KIRSTY LOGAN

This is a wonderfully charming magical realism book following Mara and her family, whose island is surrounded with magic and stories. When tragedy strikes her family, Mara finds solace in enigmatic Pearl who introduces her to a new way of life and possibilities she never dreamed of. Torn between the traditions of her island and the ever-changing course of the sea while still haunted by the past, Mara needs to decide which is the best path for her to take. Kirsty Logan is a lyrical genius so if you like beautiful imagery and strange diverse storylines, The Gloaming is a great choice for you.

THE MERMAID AND MRS HANCOCK BY IMOGEN HERMES GOWAR

Set in the 18th century, The Mermaid and Mrs Hancock is a beautifully written and surreal read that will appeal if you’re looking for a more literary, social history-led mermaid book. Merchant Jonah Hancock learns that one of his captains has sold his ship for what is apparently a mermaid. Naturally this piques the curiosity of the area and he is soon thrown into upper class circles, where he meets the beautiful, accomplished Angelica Neal. Soon enough, both of their lives take a new course at a high price. It’s a pretty big book so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it if you’re not already a historical fiction reader but it’s definitely a unique story of obsession and intrigue with bags of wit.

5. TRY THE GREY STUFF: Read with a yummy treat.

Naturally, your choice of reading snack is ENTIRELY your choice but these are four of my favourites to get your tummy rumbling!

ICE CREAM

The perfect treat for a hot day. Just don’t let it drip onto the pages!

COOKIES

Is there anything more tasty than a plate of warm, gooey, freshly baked cookies? Pretty sure there isn’t!

POPCORN

If your book is painting beautiful cinematic images in your mind or the drama is getting a little tense, you might want to grab some popcorn to add to the experience. MOZZARELLA STICKS

Possibly my favourite savoury snack ever. A few mozzarella sticks dipped in sweet chilli sauce is simply delicious!

6. A WHOLE NEW WORLD: Read a fairytale or retelling with a diverse character.

ASH BY MALINDA LO

This bisexual retelling of Cinderella is one of my favourites ever. Ash dreams of being taken away from her miserable life with her stepmother by fairies so when she meets handsome but dark fairy Sidhean, she thinks her life is about to change. Then she meets beautiful huntress Kasia and begins feeling things she hasn’t felt in a long time. But how can she choose between true love and her fairytale escape? It’s sexy, enchanting, incredibly intense and I absolutely devoured it.

A CURSE SO DARK AND LONELY BY BRIGID KEMMERER

This was our group book for the last round of FairytaleAThon, so if you joined us then, there is a good chance you’ll have already read A Curse So Dark And Lonely. It’s a recently released Beauty and the Beast retelling which has been getting a lot of hype in the book community. It follows Harper, a teenage girl living in Washington DC with her ailing mother and dismissive older brother. When she intervenes in a street incident, she finds herself being pulled into Emberfall, a broken kingdom ruled by Prince Rhen, who has been cursed to relive his 18th year until a girl falls for the vicious beast he has become. With evil forces at work, Harper and Rhen need to defeat more than a curse to save the people of Emberfall. Harper has cerebral palsy and as a result, she has developed a strength and feistiness that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in YA fantasy. It’s a must read for anyone who loves cursed hearts, easy-to-root-for characters and page-turning tension.

EVERY HEART A DOORWAY BY SEANAN MAGUIRE

The first in the Wayward Children series of novellas, Every Heart A Doorway is the perfect twisted fairytale. The premise explores what happens to the children who have been to magical lands on their return to the real world. Ever-changed by their experiences, they are often take to Eleanor West’s Home for Wayward Children, where everyone is seeking a door to the fantasy world they’ve left. When Nancy arrives, darkness and tragedy are just around the corner. There are asexual and transgender characters, multiple ethnicities represented as well as plenty of dark whimsical adventure. It’s certainly a strange little series but once you start it, you’ll be hooked.

THE WRATH AND THE DAWN BY RENEE AHDIEH

A retelling of an Arabian Nights story, The Wrath and the Dawn tells the story of the young king Khalid who murders a new wife every night. When her best friend becomes one of the slain, Shahrzad volunteers to be his next bride with every intention of not being the one who ends up dead. Through the power of storytelling, she survives night after night and inexplicably finds herself falling in love with Khalid, who appears to be nothing more than a tortured soul -much like the rest of his palace which seems to have more than a few secrets. It’s a novel full of tradition, elegance and fantastic world-building. You’ll definitely get swept up in this one!

7. RAGS TO RICHES: Read the group book.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FANGIRL BY ASHLEY POSTON

Our group book this round is The Princess and the Fangirl and I can’t wait to dive into it! It’s set in the same fandom as Geekerella but is not a direct sequel, so you can technically read it if you haven’t read the previous book. It follows fangirl Imogen who is on a mission to save her favourite Starfield characters Princess Amara from being killed off. However Jessica, the actress who plays her, is desperate to shake off the pressure and intensity from the fandom and would actually quite like to bow out of the series. I don’t want to know too much more about it but I know it involves an F/F romance and I’m guessing there’s a case of switching places or mistaken identities at some point, given that it has been touted as a retelling of The Prince and the Pauper. I am INCREDIBLY excited for this one and I hope you’ll be picking it up too!

Hopefully I’ve given you some ideas for your own TBR. I’ll be posting my own next week, so look out for that. This round looks like a good one!

[supernaturalfreewill]

Your name: submit What is this?

Words: 2,405 Demon!Dean x Reader Warnings: none reaaaally A/N: SURPRISE IT'S HEEEERE! This is the fourth part of a series! Read Part 1 2 and 3 first!

You looked down at the crumpled pile on the floor in front of you in disgust and casually lifted a boot. You dragged your knife along the sole, scraping the semi-congealed blood onto the rubber edge and planting your foot back firmly on the floor, smiling a little at the thought of how goddamn confusing that one bloody shoeprint was going to be for the cops.

No forced entry. Doors and windows all locked from the inside. No fingerprints.

Just a dead rapist and one bloody partial shoeprint.

You cast a final glance at the body in the middle of the floor.

He hadn’t even seen it coming. How could he? And you never got sick of the look on their faces when you finally showed yourself to them… after you had a little fun first of course.

Your targets were are a special kind of sick and you afforded them the same thought and mercy which they gave their victims; exactly none.

You materialized by the nearest wall and thrust the knife you had used for the dirty work into the ugly wood paneling.

The cops could have the murder weapon. It wouldn’t matter. You left no traces, except for that little bit of sulfur you didn’t bother to get rid of. It would be a red herring for them. By the time they’d even confirmed what is was you would have gone across the country and possibly circled back around again.

In the next instant you were outside in the alley, pulling your hood up to obscure yourself better as you moved through the shadows, carelessly splashing through puddles, rinsing the last bit of blood off your boots.

You headed for your newest haunt, though this would probably be your last night in the establishment. You needed to keep on the move. There were plenty more scumbags you needed to visit...

Somewhere in the back of your mind you acknowledged that you were leaving behind a trail of bodies, and sooner or later, someone would catch up to you by following that trail. You hadn’t yet decided who it was most likely to be, but you know it would be someone.

_ _ _ _ _ _

By the time Cas and Sam pulled up in front of the building, cops were already removing a body in a body bag from a garden level apartment.

The two exchanged a look with each other. Cas grabbed a couple badges from a box hidden underneath his seat and handed one to Sam.

The dark circles beneath Sam’s eyes had diminished somewhat in recent weeks, but they never disappeared completely. He was looking stronger though, and steadier, Cas was happy to note. He had a sense of purpose. They both did. They had something to keep them occupied, and something to strive for. And that was bringing you and Dean home.

”Okay,” Sam said to Cas as they strode across the lawn. “Just remember to—“

”Follow your, lead. Yes, Sam. I think I’ve got it by now.” Cas looked up toward the apartment building. It was nicely landscaped and many of the balconies above had flowering plants and patio sets arranged on them. “Nicer apartments than our last few cases,” the angel said.

Sam sighed heavily and his jaw clenched. “Well, rapists come from all backgrounds. They’re not just some sicko from the bad part of town,” he said. “Sometimes people refuse to believe that,” he added sadly. “Money is power, you know.”

Cas’s face clouded over. “You think that’s why he avoided a conviction?”

“I read his case file. I know it is. His lawyer, the best money could buy, got the DNA evidence thrown out.” Sam flagged a nearby detective down.

“Excuse me. We’re with the local FBI field office. You mind if we take a look at the scene?” Sam asked, flashing his badge. “We’ve been sitting on this guy for a while and—“

“Oh, yeah. Your co-worker is inside already. Knock yourselves out. They just took the body out but my partner can tell you how we found him.”

Sam and Cas exchanged a tense expression, thanked the detective, and started toward the sliding glass door. “Co-worker?” Just as Sam was swallowing the lump in his throat, the detective called out to get their attention. “Hey! Good luck! You’re gonna need it,” he scoffed, turning and heading toward his car.

Cas let out a doubtful sigh. “Great…”

Sam flashed a badge again to an officer as they neared the open patio door and he pointed them straight in to the living room. Rounding the doorframe their eyes immediately fell on none other than Crowley.

Sam’s jaw clenched and he was sure his gaze turned cold. But Crowley merely nodded and said, “Agents.”

Cas and Sam begrudgingly walked over and surveyed the scene. Once the detective inside had talked them through everything he left the three alone to go oversee further evidence collection.

”FBI? Really, Crowley? What kind of FBI agent dresses like a funeral home director?” Sam said, gesturing at the King of Hell’s all black suit and dark tie.

Crowley glanced down at his suit. “This is an Armani suit, Moose. Not that I would expect you to know, based on your Walmart ensemble.” Sam rolled his eyes. “Glad to see you’re feeling better,” Crowley added sarcastically.

Cas’s voice came out in a growl. “What are you doing here?” he demanded.

”What do you think I’m doing? The same thing you two nimrods are. Following the bodies. Purgatory is filling up with monsters and hell is filling up with sinners. Our numbers haven’t been this good since the Black Plague struck Europe,” he finished with a snarky smile.

”If business is so good, then why are you bothering following up on whoever is doing it?” Sam pressed.

Crowley merely shifted his weight and didn’t respond, eyeing the bloody knife still sticking out of the wall.

Cas narrowed his eyes at the demon. “You felt it too,” he said.

Crowley looked over at Cas, and although he tried to scowl there was some doubt in his eyes that the angel could see. “Please, I’m a demon. I don’t feel anything.”

”The change in power. You felt it,” Cas said again.

Sam was glancing between the two of them, trying to read Crowley’s expression, and becoming very uncomfortable about all the officers moving in and out of the room. “Alright, we can’t talk about this here. Let’s go. We’ll go someplace we don’t have to worry about being overheard.”

A short time later, the three of them were sequestered in a dingy bar, and despite the fact that there was only Budweiser and Bud Light on tap, Crowley still asked for some fruity monstrosity of a cocktail, which Sam was pretty sure was going to get them thrown out or punched.

Sam was having a hard time looking at Crowley without feeling anger boil in his chest. He wanted to punch him square across the face, but at the moment he also wanted to know what Crowley thought about what Cas insisted he had felt.

“So, what do you think it is?” Sam asked.

Crowley took a deep drink out of his fruity cocktail through the straw, obviously prolonging it to maximize Sam and Cas’s annoyance. “What do you think it is?”

”Come on, Crowley. You’re lucky I didn’t try and gut you with an angel blade the minute we saw you,” Sam spat. “If you’d like to keep things that way, I suggest you help. This whole mess is your fault anyway!”

Crowley cocked his head at Sam and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a bar napkin. “Not very friendly, are we, Moose?”

Sam was about to retort but Cas interrupted and attempted to run interference. “It’s Y/N. Isn’t it?” he prodded.

The same discomfort they had seen back at the crime scene was evident on Crowley’s face. Cas took it as an affirmative response.

”Perhaps,” Crowley said. “I may have heard something about it.”

Suddenly, Cas snapped. He seized Crowley by the front of his suit and was inches from his face. “Listen, you little insect. We wouldn’t have lost Dean OR Y/N if it weren’t for you, so if you know something I suggest that you tell us, otherwise I will personally see to rearranging your face.” Cas’s voice came out through clenched teeth as a growl.

Sam noticed that the bartender just turned his back and walked away, apparently unconcerned, and Sam put a hand on Cas’s shoulder. “Cas—“

Just then, Sam’s cell phone rang. All three of them froze, and Sam dug into his pocket and pulled it out. Unlisted caller.

Sam glanced up at Cas, who immediately released Crowley. Crowley watched with interest as he straightened his suit coat and tie. After gulping down the tightness in his throat the best he could, Sam answered the call. “Hello?” He could hear the hesitation in his own voice.

“Sam, Sam, Sam,” came the voice from the other end.

”Dean.” Cas’s eyes widened and his gaze intensified. Crowley leaned in a little closer.

”How’s it hanging, little brother?”

Sam didn’t know how to respond. “Dean, we’ve been trying to get in touch with you since—“

“--since forever. Yeah, I know. But you know what they say, moss doesn’t grow on a rolling rock or some shit,” Dean replied carelessly. “Listen… I know you and Cas are on the trail of this killing machine and I think there’s something you should know about it.”

“What about it?” Sam asked, his heart hammering in his chest.

Dean slammed back a shot of tequila and cleared his throat. “It ain’t me,” he said.

Sam let a silence stretch for a moment. “…is that it?”

”Yeah, kind of.” Sam could almost see the shrug he guessed Dean was making and he felt anger welling up in his chest again.

”Dean, Y/N is missing, maybe dead, or God-only-knows what and all you can say is—“

Dean interrupted. “Yeah, Y/N is definitely not dead,” he said.

”What?” Sam retorted.

”Who the hell do you think is leaving the Hansel and Gretel trail? But, you know, bodies instead of bread crumbs,” he said. “I’m ahead of you on this thing.”

”What’s he saying?” Crowley whispered, but Sam just waved him off.

”We thought it was but--are you sure it’s Y/N?” Sam asked.

”Positive,” Dean said. “Absolutely positive. She’s gone totally scorched earth!” He almost sounded amused and it was grating Sam’s nerves.

Crowley suddenly grabbed the phone from Sam and put it on speakerphone. “Dean! Pleasure to hear from you as always. Never available when needed but buzzing around like a fly when--”

”Crowley! Well, I should have guessed… The gang is all there,” Dean said carelessly.

”Dean,” Cas said. His voice was cold and steely. “Where are you?”

Dean only laughed. “Ahead of you, chuckles, but I’m not about to tell you where. You three are in Indiana? Well there are three more bodies waiting for you down the line.”

“Dean, what exactly is—“ Cas wasn’t sure how to ask the question. “Have you seen Y/N?”

”No, but I’m close. Closer than you three amigos anyway.” They heard the clink of glassware in the background. Dean changed gears. “Crowley, there are some crazy rumors flying around about your domain. Shouldn’t you be reining those in?”

Sam and Cas’s eyes flew to Crowley’s face, immediately trying to read his reaction.

”I’m not sure what you’re referr—“ Crowley started, but Dean quickly interrupted.

”You know goddamn well what I’m referring to,” Dean countered. “A bunch of your minions are losing their shit because they think Y/N has gone nuclear. Some are saying she’s going to be taking over,” he scoffed. “Can you imagine that? Y/N taking over hell? I mean, I know she’s gone vigilante but Y/N? Taking over Hell? A little unbelievable. I’m sure even as she is she probably is full of annoying principles,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “Based on the earful she gave me last time I saw her…” Though he was talking about the fight you had had with him in the hotel during the rendezvous Crowley had arranged, a sudden surge pushed the image of you pale and dead on that slab into his mind unbidden and he winced and squinted his eyes shut, trying to force it out of mind.

But on the other end of the line Cas and Sam were still scrutinizing Crowley, who was no longer able to hide his concern and anxiety. He tried to distract from it. “Full of principles until some hunter wanders into her path, maybe,” Crowley said.

Dean was about to respond but Cas quickly hung up the call and Sam and the angel let their angry glares bore into the demon. “I knew that you knew something,” Cas growled.

Sam sidled up beside him and soon had an angel blade pressed against his ribs. “Now, Crowley. This is Y/N we are talking about. It’s not a game.”

It seemed that the ‘King of Hell’ didn’t have any options. “Alright, Moose. Put the pig sticker away, it’s making me itch,” he said. He sighed heavily as Sam backed off. Cas’s cobalt eyes were fixed on him.

“What Flutters here picked up on, his so-called ‘change in power’ was Y/N coming back to—well not back to life exactly, but into being in her new form,” Crowley said.

”As a demon,” Sam said. No surprise there.

”Bravo, Moose,” Crowley quipped. “But it’s more than that. It seems that for some unknown reason Y/N came back as—” he hesitated.

”As?” Cas urged, his deep voice thick with foreboding. The air felt electric around them. Cas knew they were on the edge of some new information that was going to change everything.

”A Knight of Hell,” Crowley said, averting his eyes to the floor. “So, you see we are in a bit of a predicament.”

Sam fell back heavily onto the nearest barstool, his face dumbstruck. Cas’s blue eyes were glaring at Crowley and his anger resurfaced.

”A Knight of Hell,” he repeated. “What have you done, Crowley?”

And this time the demon didn’t have a snappy comeback. All he could do was stare at his polished dress shoes and wait for what was to come.

[patton-croc-agenda]

Into the Night

A/N: Hey guys, this is a really garbage fic I wrote to help get me out of writer’s block. I promise I’ll write something better soon (in fact I already have 2 better ficss started) but I figured I’d upload this anyway just so y’all have something new from me.

Words: 2,056

Warnings: None I can think of? Let me know if you see any

Pairings: Logicality (platonic/pre-romantic you pick), platonic Anological (brief), platonic Remy and Patton (brief), platonic Royality (like 1 line)

The wind whipped cold and cruel around him as he stepped into the forest. The howling and biting lessened slightly, but still shook the branches and leaves above him with a wicked rustling cackle. He pulled his scarf up around his face as he continued to hike. He hated storms, and it appeared one was on its way tonight. He should’ve probably just gone home the long way, but cutting through the woods meant getting home before it rained. Rain always spattered on his glasses and made it hard to see. He often wished he could get mini windshield wipers and attach them to his glasses frames, but no such luck.

Winter was fast approaching, but from the forecast he’d glanced at that morning before work, he knew it wouldn’t get cold enough to snow. That, and this was Florida; it felt cold, but it was honestly only chilly at best.

He had let his mind drift so much, he didn’t notice that he’d stepped off the path until the crunching of newly fallen leaves under his feet touched his ears. He paused and looked around, not recognizing where he was. He pushed down the fear welling up, curling in his stomach like a snake. He was good at that, pushing down the feeling snake.

With no other ideas to work with, he decided to try and retrace his steps. His feet had made a path in the red-orange-yellow-brown leaves, so he had some semblance of a clue of where he was headed. He shuffled his shoes as he walked, occasionally kicking the leaves and spinning around. He might be scared, but that was the best time to act silly. To act like things were all right. To act. Roman would be proud.

A rather large gust of wind managed to cut through the shield of trees, hitting him and causing the leaves to twirl and dance from under his shoes up to the branches where they once resided, before they once again fell from grace. He enjoyed the sight at first, until he realized the leaves had covered his tracks. Another gust of wind, more leaves leaping up, and even more twisting down from the trees.

Now, he wasn’t one for swearing, but he had a few special words he quietly muttered in this particular scenario. He had no other ideas, so he simply continued to walk in the direction his trail had been. He was reminded of the fairy tales his brother and him were told as kids, Hansel and Gretel to be specific. Remy always told him he’d be Gretel, though it didn’t really matter to him who was who, so long as no one got eaten. He always wanted to build that gingerbread house, though, despite the fact people would call him a witch.

He hopped onto a log, spreading his arms to help maintain balance. Not that the few inches would at all help him see where he was going, but it was fun and made him feel less afraid. Like he was some cool wilderness guy who survived for weeks on end on only insects and befriended a pack of wolves. Dramatic? Maybe.

He froze suddenly, one foot slightly in the air, the other firmly on the log. It seemed as if the wind had died around him, as if someone’s eyes were burning him into place. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t blink or swallow or breathe. He-

“Are you lost?”

He shrieked, and suddenly movement caught up to him. He pitched forward and fell flat on his stomach on the ground. Leaves danced up in the wind he created as he fell, mocking him. He took a second to regain his wind, noticing brown dress shoes appear in front of his face. A poor choice for someone walking through the woods, especially right before it began to rain.

Breath finally reclaimed, he trailed his eyes up to meet that face attached to the feet. A rather imposing looking man, with dark, carefully styled hair and rectangle glasses framing his thin face. He had hollow cheekbones and pale, pale skin. He looked like a ghost, complete with a long, flowy trench coat.

“Wha? Psh, no, no I’m not lost!” the newcomer raised an eyebrow in a perfect arch, an impressive and envious skill.

“Okay…maybe I’m a little lost,” a sheepish smile. The man blinked and nodded before turning and walking into the forest once more. He turned back and looked down and him, frowning.

“Are you- oh. Excuse me, I seem to have forgotten to explain my thoughts. I know this forest quite well and know where the exit is. If you will follow me, I will show you out,” the man began to walk again, this time seemingly with no intention of stopping.

Hurriedly, he pulled himself up off the ground and jogged to catch up, stumbling a bit. The man glanced at him from the corner of his eye, but continued to walk. He kept his hands deep in the pockets of his coat, as if his hands were cold. Perhaps they were, as it seemed the temperature had dropped again since the man arrived.

“I rarely see strangers in these woods, may I inquire your name and business here?” the stranger asked.

“Oh! Um, my name’s Patton! I usually walk home through the woods, since it’s a shortcut to my neighborhood, but I guess I wasn’t paying attention this time ‘round,” Patton said, laughing and rubbing the back of his head. The stranger nodded, but said no further words. Patton trailed slightly behind, humming a bit. The fear snake had loosened again, no longer squeezing his gut. He knew he should be more wary of this stranger, but he seemed nice enough.

“So what’s your name?” that gave the stranger pause, he turned his head to look at him and Patton thought his brown eyes looked unnatural in the dim light, almost red.

“Pardon?”

“Well, you know my name, so what’s yours?” S’only fair if you share!” Patton said. The stranger furrowed his brow, looking at his too-fancy-for-walking shoes.

“Logan,” he finally admitted. Patton made a cooing sound and bumped shoulder with Logan, having approached at some point so they were standing side by side. Logan seemed to recoil at the touch, so Patton offered him an apology pat on the shoulder. It didn’t seem to help.

They continued to walk, much longer than Patton would assume it would take for him to reach the end of the woods. In fact, he didn’t even know the forest was this deep. He couldn’t truly bring himself to care, however, because he was instead talking to his new friend. Logan wasn’t much for talking, instead just occasionally nodding, or darting his eyes to Patton.

“- and so Remy found this show called Sherlock on Netflix and-”

“Sherlock?” Logan seemed engaged in the conversation for the first time. The forest had grown dark, and Patton heard distant thunder. He wondered when the rain would finally start, or if it had started and the canopy had just gotten so thick it was blocking the water from sliding into his hair and landing on his shoulders.

“Yeah! Have you seen it? Your coat kinda reminds me of him. Sherlock, not my brother.” The tiniest of smiles curled onto Logan’s thin lips as he gave a slow nod.

“While I do not have access to television at most points, I have seen a few episodes, which I enjoyed immensely. Along with that, I have read the books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle multiple times over the years,” Patton felt awed as Logan spoke, as if he were required to hang off every word that dripped from his mouth.

“Well, it sher is a shame that you haven’t seen all the episodes of the show! You’ve really been locked out of that experience haven’tcha?” Logan’s eye twitched and his smile dropped into a scowl.

“But seriously,” Patton decided to appease the man. The snake in his stomach was rearing its head again, sliding and writhing against his insides, “you should come over to my house sometime! I got Netflix, so we can watch it together!” Logan fully froze, not even blinking. It reminded Patton of himself from earlier, when he had felt frozen before Logan had spoken.

Like lightning, pale, thin fingers were wrapped around Patton’s wrist. It was Patton’s turn to become a statue, unable to move and hardly able to think. He swore he saw red on Logan’s hands. Minutes, hours, days, all felt crammed into those five seconds before Logan removed his hand from Patton’s wrist and slid his ghost hand back into his pocket.

“Apologies, I simply noticed we have been heading in the wrong direction. Allow me to guide you in the correct direction this time.” The snake was rearing wildly now, a warning. Patton stabbed it and kicked it out of the way internally.

“Oh, alright,” Patton said. Logan picked up his pace in the opposite direction of where they had been heading. As they walked, Logan continuously looked back at Patton, as if he expected him to stop following. He looked.

Afraid.

“Would you feel better if I held your hand?” Patton mused. Logan fully whipped around to face him, eyes a bit wild.

“Pardon?”

Patton offered him his hand, “you wouldn’t need to look back as much if you could feel I was still following.”

A pause, Logan was lost in thought. Then, slowly, he pulled a fist from his pocket. He uncurled it over Patton’s outstretched palm, and then, slowly once more- as if he were afraid of breaking him, curled his fingers around his hand. Patton offered an encouraging smile, Logan offered a strained one in return before facing forward and practically dragging Patton along. He no longer looked back.

It may have been hours, it may have been minutes, but eventually Logan released his grip on Patton’s hand and hurried ahead, stopping at the line where the trees ended. Patton gasped, running up to meet him.

“You did it! This is my neighbourhood!” Patton laughed, turning and wrapping Logan in a hug. Logan turned to stone under his touch once more.

“I, um, yes. This is where I must say farewell, Patton,” Patton pulled back, the snake inside decided to constrict around his heart in revenge for Patton’s constant abuse of it throughout the evening.

“W-will I see you again?” Patton asked, sniffling. Thunder rumbled overhead, and Patton swore he finally felt a raindrop land on his cheek.

“I,” he met Patton’s gaze, sighing, “should you ever walk through these woods again, I might find you. Stick to the path, though. It is a dangerous place for those who do not know what they are getting into. Farewell, Patton.”

“Wait! What do you mean dangerous? How will you find me?” Patton called to empty air, as Logan had already vanished into the shadows of the trees.

The rain began to come down heavier as Patton heard someone call his name. He turned to see his brother, running out with an umbrella and a lecture on his hypocritical tongue about staying out late without alerting someone. Patton walked home with him, ignoring the feeling of eyes on him again. It was an almost comforting feeling this time.

~~~

He slid into the trees as soon as Patton was safely inside, turning to face his friend. Logan warily raised a brow at him as he began to swear.

“That was free food, Logan!”

“I know.”

“His blood smelled really good too.”

“I know, Virgil.” Virgil still seemed unassured.

“Then why let him go?!” Logan ran a hand through his hair, sighing deeply.

“I don’t know. I don’t know and I am unsure I ever will.” Virgil’s gaze softened then.

“Alright, Nerd, guess one of us has a heart after all,” Logan scowled at that, “Let’s get back to the colony then?”

“Okay,” Logan said in defeat. He watched his friend shift and fly off before turning to look back at the house. He could see silhouettes in the window, and somehow could tell which one was Patton. Which one was his…friend?

“Farewell, again, Patton,” he said, despite knowing he would not hear. With those final, parting words, he took off after Virgil into the night.

General tag List:  @angeliclogan @pattons-constellations @amuthefunperson @tatergator27@honeycoloredcorduroy @1esor2 @that-royal-ravenclaw@sardonicsanders @iridescentroyalty @sheeparecutest @mytrashlifeistrash @bibbidi-bobbity-booyah

[radioactivepeasant]

Fic Prompts: Folklore Friday

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a pair of children awoke in the middle of the forest, entirely alone.

The elder brother suspected that he knew what had happened. With the drought, crops had been failing and food was scarce. What their farm had managed to produce was taken to the lord mayor's storehouses. People were growing desperate.

Hans had overheard his parents in the night, whispering that they would run out of food in less than two weeks.

"The children will starve, husband," their gentle stepmother had cried, "I cannot watch them die. I cannot bear it!"

"If they could but find work in the city, they need not starve. Hans is clever and quick with his hands. Let us find him an apprenticeship. The butcher seeks an assistant, I hear."

"But the butcher is a harsh man, husband! No, he would let Hans starve! The children would survive longer in the old Kingswood than in the butcher's house."

"You are right, wife. The forest may be their only hope."

"Wait, what?"

Hans suspected that, as usual, his father had tricked his stepmother into another bad idea. He gritted his teeth angrily and looked around. They hadn't even left a knife to defend themselves with.

"Hans, where are Mama and Papa?" his little sister asked. She watched him with eyes that seemed too large for her thin face.

"They left us," Hans answered bitterly. "Like Papa talked about."

Greta started to cry. She cried often, these days. "I don't want to be lost! I want to go home!"

Hans did his best to put on a brave face, but he was only ten, and not feeling particularly brave. "It's alright. We'll find our way back, you'll see."

[[MORE]]

But the Kingswood was treacherous, and the children were soon even more lost than before. Deeper and deeper into the forest they wandered, to places where the trees loomed black and cold, and the air grew close and stifling. Greta clung to her brother's back and peered through the trees. There was a flash of color, just between the trunks, as red as candy.

"Look, Hans!" Greta whispered as loudly as her parched throat would allow, "There's something there!"

That "something" turned out to be a rose petal, curiously out of place on the forest floor. Hans soon spied another, drifting down to join the first.

High above them, where the trees thinned out, a gentle breeze wafted more flower petals over a moss-covered wall they'd mistaken for more forest. The tip of a Tower could barely be seen from the ground.

"I thought nobody lived in the Kingswood," Hans said. "Should we see if anyone is in there?"

He felt, rather than saw, Greta nod against his neck. "Okay then. Hang on tight, we'll find a door."

The sun was beginning to set by the time they found a small side gate in the wall. It was rusted enough that Hans was able to break the lock with a large stone. The courtyard the siblings found themselves in was completely overwhelmed with roses. They sprawled across every possible surface in carefully curated chaos.

"Pretty!" little Greta breathed. Hans set his sister down and let her run up to touch one of the flowers.

The instant her fingers touched the petals, a roar shook the garden.

"WHO DARES TAMPER WITH MY ROSES?" a man's voice thundered.

Hans whisked his little sister behind his back and raised his fists in a pitiful attempt at defense. From out of a maze of rose hedges stormed a terrible beast. He snarled with the mouth of a lion, and tossed the horns of a ram each time he moved his head. The tail of a great cat lashed back and forth in a threatening gesture as he approached. And then, just as suddenly, his hostility melted away.

"You seem a little young to be thieves," the beast mused. He wiped soil-covered hands on a pair of woolen breeches and folded his arms. "And just where are your parents, my young trespassers?"

"They lost us!" Greta announced indignantly from behind her brother, "On purpose, even!"

The beast stared blankly at them for several seconds. "Oh," he said plainly. "I guess you had better come inside. I'll...make tea, I suppose?"

Hans was about to insist that they needed to leave, but the mention of tea set his stomach growling loudly. The beast nodded.

"Right. Tea and some sandwiches, probably. Come on then, night's falling soon. I bred these roses to defend themselves once the sun goes down." The beast gestured to a set of stairs half hidden by flowers. "Come along then. You don't want to be caught out here in the dark."

Hans clutched Greta's hand, and reluctantly they followed the beast into the castle.

[5hfanfiction]

Progression - Chapter 3

This is good news.

This is good news.

This is good news. Leaning back in his seat, Zayn exhales deeply, already annoyed with the words playing on an endless loop in his mind.

He’d been parked in the plaza a few blocks down from the bakery for almost 2 hours now, mulling over what to make of that morning’s encounter. And what an eventful morning it had been. He’d met with the woman who had reached out to him a couple weeks prior, the woman who claimed to be Dinah’s aunt. Of course he was skeptical, postponing physically getting together as long as he could justify. However, the moment he’d seen her, any ounce of doubt had been erased from his mind. She resembled the woman who had birthed his niece so strongly it would be nearly impossible to refute the familial bond.

All was well as they spoke on different topics, never diving too deep into any one thing. After 30 minutes or so, he received the one question he thought he’d managed to avoid, regarding when she would meet Dinah and Ally. Gingerly, he’d explained that he would have to speak to Ally and Dinah first, and after she’d gotten over the initial shock that neither knew of their meeting, she agreed, as long as he told her by Saturday, since her week in town would be up, and she’d be flying back home on Sunday evening.

While Zayn knew he should be honest with everyone, he was apprehensive about telling Ally about it. There really wasn’t any way going about it that someone wouldn’t get hurt, and he was upset that he had even been put in that position. 

Sinking deeper into his stew of self pity, he glances out the window to take his mind off his sorrows. Not even 5 minutes later, out of sheer luck (and the progression of the plot), he sees a familiar figure walking down the sidewalk, arms full of paper food bags.

Rolling down the window a couple inches, he calls out, “Mila!”, not nearly loud enough for a human to hear, but the girl’s head instantly snaps in his direction, and she freezes in place, making the person a few feet behind her shoot her an odd look as they pass.

She smiles at him against the bag clamped between her teeth and bounds across the, thankfully, empty stretch of road. He preemptively opened the passenger door, so she climbs in beside him and allows him to take some bags from her.

“Where were you?”

“I don’t get a hello?”

“No.”

“I met with Dinah’s aunt today.” Zayn is thankful Camila had closed the cardboard box, because it dropped to the floor the instant the words left his mouth. “I know.”

“But Ally said…”

“I thought so too. She lives in California with her husband and three kids.” His laugh is gentle, smile fond as he recalls the pictures of the adorable family. “She’s human, like how Sofi is.”

Camila nods, and they both sit in silence for a beat. “So, how are you gonna tell her?

"Do I really have to?”

“Yes.”

“But I don’t wanna.” He drops his chin onto the steering wheel, and makes a childish whine in the back of his throat.

“We both know you still will, so it’s better you think of how to say it now and save yourself some of the inevitable awkwardness.”

Zayn looks forward, hands gripping the squishy foam of the steering wheel until hard, finger shaped indentations formed. Of course that was easy for her to say, she didn’t have to get Dinah’s hopes up, and crush Ally’s heart.

Before he can smash his face into the steering wheel and potentially trigger the airbag, again, he feels a smaller, and significantly warmer, hand on his own. When he turns his attention back to his passenger, Camila’s holding a plastic cup, that he’s pretty sure she pulled out of thin fucking air, because she didn’t have it coming in, out to him. Peering over the rim, he instantly recognizes the liquid inside as strawberry lemonade, the only non-alcoholic drink worth shit in his eyes.

“I got it in case you were there by the time I got back to work.” There isn’t much need for convincing Zayn to do right, or any at all truly. They’ve never had to talk much on issues like this, both understanding it was a simple as doing it or not, and continuing the conversation would do nothing.

While Zayn is thankful for the gesture, it’s not part of their dynamic for him to respond as accordingly. “You didn’t drink from this, right?”

“You’re joking.” She raises her eyebrows, giving him an unimpressed look.

“Of course not. Why would I ever risk to ingest your inferior werewolf saliva?” The serious expression he’d managed to put on cracks a bit as he finishes his rhetorical question.

“And I can feel my brain cells dying the longer I breath in your second-hand corpse air, but I’m nice enough to not say that out loud.”

“In truth, kindness never was my strong suit.”

“Neither is cleanliness, but I suppose there isn’t much to expect from someone who was born prior to proper cultural cleanliness standards.”

“Like you have room to talk. It’s gonna take me a week of scrubbing to get the wet dog smell out of my seats.”

“If that’s all it takes. Ally has to change the carpet in your room every 6 months because it smells like a funeral parlor.”

By this point there both smiling, staring at each other intently. “And she has to burn everything you and Dinah touch because you stain it with the scent if a thousand slaughtered animals.”

“Yeah, after the full moon. That’s an everyday problem with you and your disgusting blood bags.”

“You and Dinah have a whole damn freezer for raw meat!”

“At least that’s food! You drink blood like a…a..vampire!”

“Nice one. How long you been thinking if that?”

“Shut up. I’m hungry.”

“That’s no excuse, you’re always hungry.”

Staring out into the distance a moment, Camila presses her palms against her thighs before responding. “You know what I should have said?

"Something clever?” Zayn keeps his face emotionless, even as he receives a sharp elbow to the side.

“Shh! Let me say it.” Camila faces him again, clearing her throat. “You have a whole bloody fridge.” She barely makes it though what she considers a strike of comedic genius before breaking down into a bout of howling laughter. “Get it? Bloody? Like blood cause you’re a vampire, and you’re British?”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that so I don’t have to remove you from my vehicle.”

“That was funny!”

“Sweetheart, you’re real smart and all, but I think you have to re-learn what humour is.”

Affronted, she scoffs audibly and clips in her seatbelt, mentally chalking it up to Zayn’s obvious lack knowledge on what true humor is. “Whatever. I have food for Ariana and Alessia, and it’s gonna get cold if we don’t get a move on.”

“I don’t recall when I said I’d give you a ride.”

“It was implied when you called me over. Plus your shift started 50 minutes ago, and Ally’s gonna be pissed if she knows you were late because you were sitting in a parking lot.”

“I was doing much more that just sitting in a parking lot, if you payed any attention to anything i said earlier.”

“Right, but you were still sitting here a good 15 minutes, and that’s 15 minutes you could have been working.”

“You know, sometimes I worry Ally’s a cult leader, and she’s like manipulating your brain to do her dirty work, cause she couldn’t get Dinah.”

“That was sudden.”

“She’s a super old and powerful witch who only had the desire to care for children and own a bakery. It’s questionable.” This is nowhere near the first time Zayn had hinted toward his displeasure with Ally’s use of her abilities, and Camila really didn’t want to sit through another hour long lecture of all the things she could be doing.

“You’re just cynical.” Rolling his eyes, he starts the car and turns out of the parking lot. “It does sound kind of Hansel and Gretel-esque when you put it that way, I’ll give you that.”

Rather than replying, he smirks and takes a victorious sip of his drink. Thankfully, he wasn’t in that mood either.

…

“Where the fuck were you!” Ariana’s voice hisses when they appear in front of the glass of the front display window. Neither of them have entered yet, but any desire to is gone at the sound of her tone.

Footsteps sound, and soon Dinah and Normani appear from around the corner, both in uniform. They pull up on either side of Ariana, and they all look pissed. Zayn spots Alessia looking over from a table in the corner and pleads to her to intervene with his eyes, but she quickly turns away, pretending to not have seen anything. 

He wasn’t that late, so why were they so angry? Holding himself, he turns to meet their glares, and instead finds the fixed on his counterpart rather than himself.

Tilting his head to the side in confusion, he leans towards her and mumbles, “What did you do?”

That’s all it takes for Dinah to fling herself over the display case, completely ignoring the open gate right next to her, and race for the door. Camila is smart enough to know running is not an option, as Dinah has always been the faster of the two, and instead wraps her arms tight around Zayn, mashing their bodies together just in time to feel heavy hands on her shoulders. 

Unsurprisingly, this doesn’t deter the older girl, at all. Instead of pulling and risking ripping Zayn’s favorite jacket, something she knows would be expensive as all hell to replace, and her money is for her, not other people, she easily picks both of them up.

“You didn’t think this through very well.” Zayn’s voice is slightly strained as he is carried over the threshold and dropped unceremoniously onto the floor.

“I thought you were the one in trouble. I didn’t even do anything.” Camila mutters from beside him, rubbing her elbow, which she had landed on in an attempt to protect the food, in slight annoyance.

“Didn’t do anything? You skipped out on lunch, and now one of your roommates thinks your an asshole.” Normani closes the gate behind her and Ariana, joining Dinah in front of the pair now sitting up.

“Make that two of your roommates. I thought you were in trouble or something, you unbelievable bitch.” Dinah’s foot collides with her shoulder, enough to hurt, but not bruise. “You just got some damn sandwiches?”

“Ow! I’m sorry, okay?” Camila scoots closer to Zayn, now barely out of Dinah’s leg range, just in case she wants to strike again. “I forgot we had plans.”

“How do you forget something like this? You’ve been whining about meeting her for literal months.”

“I don’t know, I guess I got distracted.” Camila can’t look Dinah in the face, she’s never been good with people yelling. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t do that again, okay? I was all worried, and shit like that gives you hella wrinkles.” Dinah sighs dramatically and pulls her up by her hand, tugging her into a hug. “How can I be young forever if my baby sister is just disappearing all over the place?”

Ariana and Normani exchange a look, irritation quickly vanishing, before the younger of the two speaks. “What were you distracted by, huh?”

“Work, and then I really wanted a sandwich, so I went and got some.”

Bending forward, Ariana picks up the bag off the floor and carries it to one of the empty tables nearby. “Cool. Now that the tension has diffused a bit, I’m just gonna see what’s in this.”

“Wait, two of those are mine!” Camila calls out, voice muffled by Dinah’s chest, as she tries to wriggle out of her friend’s arms.

“I’m hungry too! I skipped lunch waiting for your confused ass to get back here.”

“You are actually the least helpful person in existence.” Zayn drops into the seat across from Alessia, after having to get off the floor on his own, and walk all the way to the other side of the seating area.

“You never asked for help.”

“I shouldn’t have to. I was an innocent caught in their mess and you just left me.”

“I never heard a please.”

Before Zayn can properly respond, a projectile soars through the air, barely missing his head, but collides with the cup he’d since set in front of him, knocking the contents out over his white shirt. Tensing, he turns to face a struggling Camila and Dinah, but zones in on an embarrassed looking Normani, who is clearly the culprit, wearing only one shoe. “Sorry Zayn.”

“Insufferable vermin, the lot of you.” He stands, frustrated by his stained shirt and Alessia’s resounding giggles, but not angry. “I’m ‘ona start work. Someone’s got to bloody do something round here.”

This seems to snap Dinah back into the fact that other things are happening around her. “Hey, I do stuff. I do all the stuff, and that’s rude for you to say I don’t when these other hoes just-what happened to your shirt?”

Alessia laughs even harder, if that’s even possible, at the look on Zayn’s face before he walks to the back room, presumably to get into uniform and away from the five nuisances he has the misfortune of being stuck working with.

“Looks like it’s past someone’s feeding time.” Dinah quips, quiet enough for only Camila to hear, still leaning her full weight into the girl below her.

“Dinah, get off.” Camila’s now sweaty hands slid against the polished wood, preventing her from gaining any traction. “Food. Want. Now.”

“Jesus, there really is no love, huh Walz?” The blonde teases, but stands anyway, watching as Camila scrambles over to where Ariana sat eating her lunch.

“Dinah Jane, get over here and unlock this so I can clean up the spill before someone slips and breaks their neck.” Normani calls impatiently from beside the supply closet.

“Fine.” Dinah groans, stomping over to her friend, but pausing when she sees the vast, dripping pool of quickly melting blue slushee. Naturally, she places the blame on the closest person to the mess, Alessia. “What the hell did you do?”

“Yeah, I did this.” She only rolls her eyes and steps carefully over the icy swamp that had formed around her feet, going over to see if Camila and Ariana have any food left.

Dinah turns back to Normani, more lost than ever. She takes the key loosely grasped in Dinah’ hand and goes to unlock the door, shaking her head as she speaks. “Nothing gets past you.”

…

It’s nearly 6, Normani and Camila having been home for about 3 hours, as Dinah stayed for her shift at the bakery. Normani had texted Lauren, saying they found Camila, and they would meet each other whenever she came home. While it wasn’t surprising she didn’t get a response when the message was clearly read over an hour before, it bothered her. What the hell was she doing that she could read the message but not reply? Don’t open your messages if you aren’t going to answer someone. Then the next time they’d talk, she’d say she didn’t know whatever the message was. It was one of the more annoying things Lauren did, mostly because it was on purpose. 

Currently, Normani was sprawled out across the couch, talking to Camila, who was too wrapped up in the video game she was playing to care, about some end of summer party a guy two floors down was planning.

“Come on, Mila. Say something aside from, 'yeah’." 

"Uh huh.”

“Oh my God, you’re not even trying!” The older girl jerks up, her head, which was previously in Camila’s lap, blocking the view of the television.

“Mani, stop! I’m trying to concentrate.”

Sitting up completely, Normani places her knees on either side of Camila’s legs and presses the Cuban’s cheeks together in exasperation. “Pay attention to me.”

“No! You killed me.” She exhales dramatically, pushing Normani off her and onto the other side of the couch. “I was so close to the next checkpoint.”

“You’re the worst, I miss Dinah.”

“I miss Dinah too if it means I don’t have to put up with you.”

Normani rolls over onto her back to glare at the girl she’s beginning to question asking to move in with her. “Now that your stupid game is done, can I finish what I was saying?”

“No.”

“So anyway, apparently all three of them live together. They’re juniors, but I think they transferred, because I’ve never seen them before and they don’t know the area.” Normani goes on, stretching her legs out across Camila’s lap and ignoring that her rhetorical question had received any response at all.

It doesn’t take much for Camila to zone out. Normani’s barely five minutes into rambling about how cute the unnamed boys are, and the potential for her to 'give them a tour’, because she takes notice of her counterpart staring sadly at the controller on the couch beside her.

Normani nudges the girl’s stomach with her knee. “Stop pouting. You can always play it again.”

“I’m not.”

“What’s wrong with you, huh?”

“Nothing. I’m tired.” Camila rubs her eyes and shifts under the weight on her thighs. “Do I have to wait up for Lauren?”

“It’s not even 7 o'clock yet.”

“So? I’ve been awake since 2. I wanna go to sleep.” Camila mumbles, not realizing her mistake until Normani responds.

“Was it another nightmare?" 

"What? No. I just wasn’t tired really. Apparently I did most of my sleeping before we got into bed last night.” Camila doesn’t like lying, especially not to someone like Normani, who can crack her in one properly placed look, but she can’t afford to have Ally worrying about her anymore than she already does.

“Yeah, I had to drag your and Dinah’s half-asleep, sorry asses to bed on my own.” It’s not that Normani doesn’t trust Camila, more that she knows better than to trust her when it comes to certain subjects. She decides to postpone the line of questioning her brain was planning because the nightmares are normal around the full moon. Dinah gets them too, but at least she tells people what hers are about.

“We could have just stayed on the couch.”

“And risked Dinah staining it with her chronic leaking face? Hell no.”

“Yet you always choose to cuddle with her.”

“I would choose you, but if I don’t fall asleep first, I never will.” Her tone is teasing, but the sentiment is based in fact. 

“Shut up. Everyone can’t do everything as gracefully as you.”

“I’m a lucky one.” Normani lowers her legs back to the floor, stretching her arms above her head as she turns into a seated position. Reaching an arm over Camila, she grabs the controller and starts pushing random buttons to try to remember how to work one. “Now go sleep. If you’re still awake when Lauren gets here, you have to meet her then.”

“Okay, just don’t break anything while I’m gone.”

“I’m supposed to be telling you that.”

[swanqueeneverafter]

08. True North, Pt.4

Storybrooke. Present. Mr. Gold's pawnshop. (Emma enters while Mr. Gold is cleaning an oil lamp.) Mr. Gold: “Emma, how lovely to see you. (Puts down the lamp:) I'm flattered to take time off your busy schedule for me. What can I do for you, sheriff?” Emma: “Deputy.” Mr. Gold: “Of course, my mistake.” Emma: (Puts the compass on the table in front of Mr. Gold:) “I'm looking for information on this old compass. Any idea where it could’ve come from?” Mr. Gold: (Picks up the compass:) “Well, well, look at the detail. You know, this is crystal. This jewelled setting. Despite the rather unfortunate shape it's in, this is actually quite an unusual piece. (Puts the compass down to the table again:) The person who owned this obviously had great taste.“ Emma: “And where would someone like that buy it?” Mr. Gold: “Right here, of course.” Emma: “You know it?” Mr. Gold: “Indeed. Piece like this is difficult to forget.” Emma: “Do you happen to remember who bought it?” Mr. Gold: “Well, I'm good with names, Miss Swan, but (Walking to another side of the shop:) maybe not that good. However, As luck would have it, I do keep quite extensive records. (Opens a drawer and searches in it:) And, yes, (Takes out a white card:) here we are.” (He then holds the card and says nothing.) Emma: (Understanding what Mr. Gold wants:) “What's your price?” Mr. Gold: “Forgiveness.” Emma: “How about tolerance?” Mr. Gold: “Well, that's a start. The compass was purchased by Mr. Michael Tillman.” Emma: “Anything else?” Mr. Gold: “Just a name. But I generally find that’s all one needs. (Emma nods then turns and walks towards the door:) Good luck with your investigation.” (Emma looks back then continues to walk. At this time, the card Mr. Gold took out is shown to be blank.) Storybrooke. Present. Michael's automobile repair shop. (Michael is reading the file about Ava and Nicholas that Emma gave him.) Michael: (Gives the file back to Emma:) “Not possible.” Emma: “Actually it is.” Michael: “Sorry. But Dory, she wasn’t my, my… It was just once.” (Turns back and walks to continue tending a car.) Emma: “Sometimes that’s all it takes.” Michael: “I met her when I was camping. And, we um… No, it’s not possible. I don't have twins.“ Emma: “Yes, (Michael turns his head and look at Emma:) you do. You have twins that have been homeless ever since their mother passed away. Your twins have been living in an abandoned house (Michael continues working on a car:) because they don't want to be separated from each other. Your twins are about to be shipped off to Boston, unless you step up and take responsibility for them.” Michael: (Hand gets injured by accident:) “Look, I can barely manage this garage. I can’t manage two kids. (Walks back to his working table:) Why are you so sure they are mine?“ Emma: (Taking out the compass:) “Besides the timing? Have you ever seen this?“ Michael (Walks towards Emma and receives the compass:) “I lost this.” Emma: “Let me guess, twelve years and nine months ago? (Michael looks up:) I know it's a lot, believe me, I know. A month ago, a kid showed up on my doorstep I gave up for adoption, asking for help with… something. I ended up moving here for him.” Michael: “I heard about that. It's the mayor's son. But staying in town is, a lot different from taking him in.” Emma: “I don’t have my kid, because he already has a home. They don’t. Those kids did not ask to be brought into this world. You brought them into this world, you and their mother. And they need you. If you choose not to take them, you are going to have to answer for that every day of your life. And sooner or later when they find you, because believe me they will find you, you are going to have to answer to them.” Michael: (Pauses for a while:) “I'm really sorry, I am, (Puts the compass back into Emma's hand:) I don't know anything about being a dad. If it’s a good home you’re looking for, it's not with me.” (Walks into a back room and shuts the door.) Storybrooke. Present. Blanchard Apartment. (Mary Margaret, Henry, Ava and Nicholas are having fun while Emma calls and Mary Margaret picks up the phone.) Mary Margaret: “Hello.” Emma: “Hey, it’s me. I need you to come outside right away.” Mary Margaret: “Is everything okay?” Emma: “Don't say anything to the kids, but no, it's not.” (Mary Margaret turns to take a look at the kids, who are all smiling.) Storybrooke. Present. On the street. (Emma is talking to Mary Margaret.) Emma: “He doesn't want the kids.” Margaret: “And you don't want to tell them.” Emma: “I can’t. Because all I'll be telling them is that false hope I gave them is exactly that.” Mary Margaret: “The truth can be painful, Emma, but it can also be cathartic.” Emma: “I agree on the painful part.” Mary Margaret: “Hey, look, you told Henry the truth that his father is dead and he’s handling it great.” Emma: “I didn’t tell him the truth.” Mary Margaret: (Confused:) “What?” Emma: “Henry's father was no hero and trust me, he does not need to know the real story. Maybe we can hide the kids, just until we can find a family for them, someone to take care of them.” Mary Margaret: “Yes, hiding a twelve-year-old is a good plan(!)” Emma: “You have a better idea?” Mary Margaret: “Emma, maybe there isn’t an idea, maybe you just have to…” Regina: (Suddenly coming from behind:) “Deputy, shouldn’t you be on the interstate?” Emma: “What are you doing here?” Regina: “Seeing to it that you do your job.” Emma: “You know that you don't need to check up on me. I know what I have to do.” Regina: “Really? Because those kids are supposed to be in Boston tonight.”

The Enchanted Forest. Past. At the Gingerbread House. (Hansel and Gretel are put behind a metal cage.) Blind Witch: (Locks the gate and tries to grab a child with her hand between the metal bars:) “Where are you? (Touches Hansel's arm:) Oh, yes, nice and tender. Succulent roast you’ll make.” (Walks to the oven and feel the temperature of it.) Hansel: (To Gretel:) “God, she’s going to cook me. We gotta do something quick!” Gretel: “Stay calm. When she opens the cage, don’t try to fight. (The Blind Witch walks to a table and cuts some ingredients:) Then you must grab the keys in her pocket and toss them to me through the bars.” (The Witch puts down a knife and walks back to the cage.) Hansel: “She’s coming. She's coming. I can’t do it. I'm gonna die.” (Gretel pushes Hansel out of the way wanting to replace him.) Blind Witch: “Gravy or butter? Which shall it be? (The Blind Witch reaches for a child through a bar and touches Gretel. Gretel steps on Hansel so that he makes a noise. Thinking there's a fat boy for dinner, she opens the gate and pulls Gretel out:) Come with me, little boy. (Gretel gets out and the witch locks the gates again. Gretel takes the keys from the witch and throws them to Hansel. Hansel opens the gates and escapes. The witch is tying Gretel's hands up while Hansel goes up the stairs to try to find a weapon. He finds a cane but trips over when getting down the stairs. Hearing Hansel, she turns to him:) Gravy or butter? Gravy or butter? (She hurls Gretel to the front:) How should I baste you? (Hansel tries to hit the witch with the cane but she uses magic to fling the cane out of Hansel’s hands. Hansel wants to step back from the witch but he's reached the wall already.) Butter it is. Time to cook.” (The witch grabs Hansel and he tries to fight. Gretel unties her hands and pushes the witch onto the tray for baking. Hansel and Gretel push the tray into the oven and close the oven door.) Hansel: “Right, Gretel, lock her in.” Blind Witch: “Let me out! (Hansel gets back the satchel and they escape from the door:) Let me out! You come back right now! Let me out! Don't leave me here. Let me out!” The Enchanted Forest. Past. Dark Palace. (The Evil Queen watches the Blind Witch through the Magic Mirror. Then she hurls a fireball to the oven through the magic mirror and the Blind Witch screams in pain.) Evil Queen: “I would've gone gravy.” Dark Palace. Night. (Hansel and Gretel arrive with the satchel.) Evil Queen: “My dear children, were you successful in your task?” Gretel: “Yes, your majesty. Though we were almost made into dinner.” Evil Queen: “Oh, how barbaric. (She signals to the guard behind Hansel and Gretel and the guard leaves:) Now, if I could have my satchel. (Gretel hands the satchel to the Evil Queen:) I've waited for a very long time for this. Let's hope you didn’t let me down. (Puts her hand in the satchel and takes out an apple:) Oh, you did it.” Gretel: “Yeah, we did.” Evil Queen: “You've got a strong heart, girl. (Reaching to Gretel's chest:) You remind me of myself at your age.” Hansel: “We did all that, for an apple?” Evil Queen: “Oh, trust me, dear boy, this is not just an apple. It's a weapon, (Walks to her dressing table:) a weapon for a particular and devious enemy. One who’s still under the illusion, (Puts the apple into a small chest:) that she's safe.” Gretel: “Whatever your plan is, we did what you asked. Now you have to keep your promise and find our father.” Evil Queen: (Walking back to Hansel and Gretel:) “Of course, to reunite your family so you can live happily ever after. You were left alone in the woods. You deserve better than a father who’d abandon you.” Gretel: (Sadly:) “But he is all we have.” Evil Queen: (Bends down:) “Perhaps it doesn’t have to be.” Gretel: “What do you mean?” Evil Queen: “You and your brother have impressed me. You aren't the first boy or girl that I've sent into that sticky, sweet house. But you are the first to emerge. And as a reward, I've decided to invite the two of you to live with me, here.” Hansel: “You mean, that we get to live in a castle?” Evil Queen: “Yes, you would have your own rooms of course, personal carriages, valets, too. All of your dreams could come true.” Gretel: “No. We want our father back. He would never abandon us. (The Evil Queen starts to get angry:) And even if he did, we would never want to live with someone as terrible as you.” Evil Queen: “Is that so?” Gretel: “Yes. We're going to find him, with or without your help. And when we do, we're going to prove you wrong.” Evil Queen: “We'll see about that.” (She creates a black smoke that envelopes Hansel and Gretel.) Storybrooke. Present. On the street. (Emma tells Ava and Nicholas to get into her car while Regina and Henry watch them.) Emma: “Come on. It's gonna be… (Takes out the compass and gives it back to Ava:) Here. I'm sorry. We gotta go.” (Ava and Nicholas get into the car in silence. Emma shuts the door with anger.) Regina: (To Henry:) “Let’s go, Henry.” (Henry shakes Regina's hand off his shoulder and runs to the car’s driving seat.) Henry: (Through the window to Emma:) “No, you can’t take them. They can’t leave Storybrooke, Emma, they can’t. Something bad will happen.” Emma: “Something bad has already happened.” (Emma starts the engine and drives off. Regina watches with a mischievous smile on her face.)

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior January 31, 2020 – THE TRAITOR, THE RHYTHM SECTION, GRETEL AND HANSEL, OSCAR-NOMINATED SHORTS

Last week was fairly pitiful, relly, but that doesn’t mean this weekend is gonna be much better. At least Guy Ritchie’s The Gentlemen exceeded my original expectations despite its fairly moderate theater count, and Universal’s The Turning is the studio’s latest horror film to bomb as 1917 continues to do well-deserved big business, crossing the $100 million mark. Actually, most of the movies this past weekend got a nice bump on Saturday, possibly due to the crappy weather across the country. This weekend won’t be so lucky.

Before I get to the wide releases, only one of which I’ll have seen by the time you read this, I want to instead draw attention to one of this week’s limited releases. Marco Bellochio’s THE TRAITOR (Sony Pictures Classics) was Italy’s selection for the Oscars and deservedly so, but it wasn’t even shortlisted in the new “International Film” category, which is a real shame. It stars Pierfrancesco Favino as Tomassso Buscetta, part of the notorious Palermo-based Casa Nostra crime family, responsible for much of the heroin trade in the early ‘80s. After Buscetta flees to Brazil with his wife (Maria Fernanda Candido) and large family in 1981, he’s eventually arrested by the Brazilian authorities and deported back to Palermo where he turns informer and works with Judge Giovanni Falcone (Fausto Alessi) to try to take out the Sicilian mob family.

I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing this film is, even if you go in cynically believing you already know everything about the so-called “MAFIA” from watching Goodfellas or “The Godfather” movies. You can tell that Bellochio really did his research into the life of Buscetta, and then had the wise move of hiring Favino (who I met on the set of Disney’s Prince Caspian, of all things!). Favino embodies Buscetta in a way similar to Edgar Rodriguez in Olivier Assayas’ Carlos, as the film covers almost three decades of his life, much of it in paranoia for turning on his criminal brothers.

The movie has a few lulls, most notably during the lengthy courtroom/trial scenes that are unlike anything you’ll ever have seen before or after – they’re complete madhouses – but the movie also delivers in quieter dialogue scenes, particularly those between Favino and Alesi. It’s amazing to think that someone responsible for so many deaths, both by his own hand and by heroin addiction, could be turned into a bonafide hero, but it’s hard to deny how brave Buscetta must have been for being involved with the takedown of the Casa Nostra for over a decade.

Bellachio has made a film that’s on par and sometimes even better than Scorsese’s The Irishman, and he does that in an hour less, too!  Seriously, if you’re into crime films and want to know more about the reality of how the authorities deal with it, The Traitor is a must-see. It opens at the Film Forum and Lincoln Center in New York on Friday as well as The Landmark in L.A.

Now back to our regularly-scheduled program…

This week’s wide offerings don’t seem particularly strong with Blake Lively starring in the political thriller THE RHYTHM SECTION (Paramount), along with Jude Law. Directed by Reed Morano, I wasn’t able to figure out what the movie was about from the trailer, but apparently, Lively plays a woman trying to get revenge on those who caused the plane crash that killed her family. Really, I don’t know much more about this movie except that it was supposed to come out last year sometime before being moved to this weekend in January, which may end up being a better slot for it, that is, if anyone cares to see Lively in this kind of role. But since I have seen it, here’s my review…

Mini-Review: I’ve never really been a huge Blake Lively fan, but it’s impossible to deny her talents as you watch her playing a glammed-down junkie-hooker who transforms herself into a hired assassin. I’m not sure there are many other actors in Hollywood who could pull off such a role in what’s a pretty decent “Bourne”-inspired revenge thriller. (The irony is that the movie is produced by EON, the producers behind the Bond movies, something that could be credited for achieving ssthe movie’s world-spanning storytelling.)

Lively plays Stephanie Patrick, a woman whose parents and siblings died in a plane explosion. There years later, she still feels responsible since she didn’t get on the plane with them, and she’s hit rock bottom until a journalist (Raza Jeffrey) finds her to tell her that the crash wasn’t an accident, instead a target of a terrorist bomber. Stephanie believes him enough to go with him but when he ends up dead, she goes looking for his mysterious source in Scotland, who turns out to be Jude Law, an ex-MI6 who trains her to kill, giving her information about the responsible terrorist ring, “U-17.”

It’s a fairly simple story, adapted by Mark Burnell from his own novel, but it’s also the type of story that could go horribly wrong – see Jennifer Garner’s Peppermint for proof. A lot of credit has to be given to filmmaker Reed Morano, who gives The Rhythm Section such a distinctive look and tone without ever losing sight of the tension needed for a movie like this to work.

The movie does start out a bit slow, so it requires a bit of patience until Law shows up, and there’s some fun interaction there, but it’s definitely more of a drama than it is an action movie, so you should go in with that in mind. After being trained, the film starts following Stephanie, as she takes the guise of a dead assassin and dons different looks to go on her deadly missions. Sterling K. Brown also brings a lot to the film as another one of Stephanie’s contacts.

Ultimately, The Rhythm Section is a better movie than many will be expecting, a solid political thriller that isn’t the thing we normally get from a wide studio release in January. The pacing and some of the artier choices by Morano might not make it the most accessible film to everyone, but there’s no denying how it effectively pulls you in with the story and Lively’s performance.

Rating: 7/10

If that isn’t your cup of tea, there’s also the horror-fantasy GRETEL AND HANSEL (U.A. Releasing), directed by Oz Perkins (The Blackcoat’s Daughter) and starring It’s Sophia Lillis in a decidedly different horror role, but obviously, she gets the top billing in this take on the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale, which I’m not 100% sure will be screened for critics. (At least I wasn’t invited to see it, so what else is new?) I can see how this might interest people more than last week’s The Turning, but it just doesn’t feel like that many people will feel the need to go to the movies.

Oh, it’s also Super Bowl weekend. I literally have no idea who is playing and I’ve made other plans Sunday night, but it always tends to affect box office business on Sunday due to the Super Bowl parties and the fact that people might want to sit at home and watch TV commercials and movie trailers rather than go to the actual movies. (Shrug emoji.) Either way, Sony lucks out with a third weekend at #1 for Bad Boys for Life, something that certainly wouldn’t happen in any other time of the year.

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this…

1. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $17 million -50%

2. 1917 (Universal) - $9.5 million -40% (up .2 million and one place)*

3. The Rhythm Section  (Paramount) - $9.3 million N/A (down .7 million and one place)*

4. Gretel and Hansel  (U.A. Releasing) - $7.6 million N/A (up .4 million)*

5. Dolittle  (Universal) - $6.7 million -45% (down .3 million)*

6. The Gentlemen (STXfilms) - $5.9 million -45% (up .3 million)*

7. Jumanji: The Next Level  (Sony) - $4.6 million -37% (down .2 million)*

8. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Lucasfilm/Disney) - $3 million -48%

9. The Turning  (Universal) - $2.8 million -60%

10. Little Women (Sony) - $2.5 million -45%

* UPDATE:  A few updated prediction based on actual theater counts including 1917 getting more theater this weekend that should help it retain second place over Black Lively’s The Rhythm Section. Also, Orion Pictures is pushing Gretel and Hansel into almost 3,000 theaters, so it should be good for fourth place unless Rhythm Section doesn’t click or connect with Lively’s fans.

LIMITED RELEASES

It’s always exciting (at least to me) when the annual OSCAR NOMINATED SHORT FILMS (ShortsTV) are released theatrically, since it gives everyone (at least in select cities) a chance to see all the shorts that were nominated,  and it gives you a little more chance to do well at your office Oscar poll.  This year’s selection has a much shorter run than usual, since the Oscars will be held on February 9, about ten days after the short films are made available, so don’t drag your feet on these. I rarely get to watch many shorts over the course of the year, unless I’ve been called to be a juror at a film festival, so it’s nice to at least get to see 15 shorts every year that are considered the best of the best.

I tend to be most interested in the animated shorts, and besides the five nominees, this section will include a few “highly commended” films.  I’m pretty sure everyone who sees Matthew A. Cherry and Karen Rupert Toliver’s Hair Love is gonna love it, as it follows a young African-American girl’s attempts to tame her unruly afro with the help of her father. It’s such a wonderful short with a beautiful ending, and in my opinion, it’s also the best-looking of the nominees, maybe since it uses a more traditional animation style than the other films. I would be shocked if this doesn’t win the Oscar.

Kitbull, one of Disney’s Sparks Shorts involves the relationship between a cute black kitten and a pitbull, a nice wordless film in the Pixar vein. It’s too adorable not to be considered as a possible spoiler in this category. sThe French animated short Memorable from Bruno Collet deals with a painter suffering from dementia, and it uses a fairly unique stop-motion look and style.  On the other hand, I found the style used in the Czech film Daughter from Daria Kashcheeva to be rather jarring as it deals with the relationship between a father and daughter trying to heal, while the Chinese animated short Sister by Siqi Song actually deals with a similar topic as the fantastic short-listed docOne Child Nation, although it also uses a somewhat strange style. (Actually, I didn’t realize that Sister was stop motion, but I went to a dinner where I got to meet Ms. Song’s “actors.”)

The doc shorts tend to be the longest of the three groups with shorts ranging from 20 to 40 minutes, so these will often be broken up into two programs for viewing.

Learning to Skateboard in a Warzone (If you’re a Girl) clearly has the most self-explanatory title of the doc shorts, and it’s also the most likely to win, not only due to its memorable title but also the adorable little girls in bright-colored dresses who attend “Skateistan,” a school for girls who aren’t allowed to be outside due to Afghanistasn’s strict Muslim rules. (This is shown as part of Program A along with Life Overtakes Me.)

MTV’s St. Louis Superman, directed by Smriti Mundra and Sami Khan, is probably the most likely as a spoiler in this category, as it follows Ferguson activist and state rep Bruce Franks Jr. as he tries to fight back against gun violence both on the political floor and as a battle rapper.

The Korean doc In the Absence documents a horrifying ferry accident that kills hundreds while the proper authorities drag their heels in saving people, while the Swedish doc Life Overtakes Me, directed by John Haptas and Kristein Samuelsons, deals with refugee children in Sweden who, in the grips of trauma, get an illness called Resignation Syndrome, so it’s also quite timely.

Lastly and definitely not least is Walk, Run, Cha-Cha, the New York Times doc short directed by Laura Nix (Inventing Tomorrow), that’s a beautiful story of a couple who were separated by the Vietnam War but reunited years later and are now dancing together in California. It’s a beautiful film and story that might not be as groundbreaking as some of the others but is still quite wonderful and romantic.

At least the live actions shorts are more consistent in their timing with movies between 15 and 25 minutes, but they also offer equally international offerings.

The Neighbor’s Window is three-time Oscar-nominated documentarian Marshall Curry’s first narrative effort, and it deals with a Brooklyn couple with two kids who get neighbors across the street who seem to enjoy a bit of exhibitionist sex, making them feel older. It’s a nice dramatic short that allows Curry to use The National’s music once again. (As I learned when I interviewed himin 2010, he’s friends with singer Matt Beringer.) The film takes a sad turn towards the end, but it’s a fine foray into narrative filmmaking and also, a strong PSA about buying drapes.

Bryan Buckley’s Saria takes place at a Guatemalan orphanage for girls where the title character wants to escape with her older sister to America. It’s actually based on the true story of a fire at the Virgen de La Asuncion Safe Home in Guatemala that took 41 lives in 2017 but from the viewpoint of these young teenagers. The movie is not necessarily about the fire as that happens at its very end, though this is definitely my favorite short of this group, dealing with a lot of tough (but extremely timely) issues, so I honestly think it might win the Oscar in this category.

Oddly, there are two shorts that take place in Tunisia and involve shepherds (sort of) with Meryam Joobeur’s Brotherhood involving a father whose son Malik returns home from Syria with a new wife. I found this one to be pretty dull and not particularly worthwhile. Slightly better is Yves Piat’s Nefta Football Club, whichfollows two boys who find a mule carrying drugs. (That is, an actual mule, not a person acting as a mule.) It’s a decent short with a fairly comedic ending, but I don’t think it has much of a chance of winning either.

The Belgian short Une souer (translated as “A Sister,” not to be confused with the animated short Sister) by Delphine Girard involves a kidnapped who makes a phone call to an emergency service and tries to make her whereabouts known without giving it away to her assailant. It’s a pretty decent thriller that does a lot in a short amount of time (about 16 minutes), but I don’t see this as something that might win the Oscar.

You can catch the Oscar-Nominated Shorts in select cities starting today and then slightly wider starting Friday, and then they’ll be available via streaming next week on Tuesday, Feb. 4

Julia Garner from “Ozark” stars in Kitty Green’s THE ASSISTANT (Bleecker Street), a movie about a young woman named Jane, who is working as an assistant at a busy New York distributor/production house based in the Tribeca area that couldn’t possibly be referring to the Weinstein Company, could it? I had pretty high expectations for this film, having heard about it as far back as last year’s Sundance where it premiered, and yes, while it is extremely timely, the cinema verité method that Green uses to tell the story of Garner’s character doesn’t make for a particularly interesting movie other than a few interactions, like one with Matthew Macfadyen as the company’s HR person when Jane reports her worries about the boss’ actions (nothing done to her, mind you). I do like Garner as an actor though, and I can’t wait to see what else she does post-“Ozark.”

At least the next film put up by its country for the Oscars’ “International Film” category was shortlisted, but it’s nowhere near as good as The Traitor (in my opinion). The Russian Oscar selection, Kantemir Balagov’s BEANPOLE (Kino Lorber), starring Viktoria Miroshnichenko and Vasilisa Perelygina as nurses Iya and Masha, working at a veteran’s hospital in Leningrad shortly after World War II. Iya is an extremely tall, lanky blonde woman referred to as “Beanpole” (hence the title) who also has a condition where she’ll freeze up at the most ill-opportune times. She’s taking care of a young child, who most presume to be her son but is actually Masha’s illegitimate son.  The problem with this movie is that 20 minutes into it, something absolutely horrifying happens, and it just goes downhill from there. It’s not a bad movie but it’s one that’s really hard to watch, especially as Iya decides to do something to help her friend Masha, for reasons I don’t really want to spoil. Anyway, if you thought the sex scenes in the Brazilian offering Invisible Life were awkward and uncomfortable to watch, you haven’t seen a thing!

Hitting the Quad Cinema on Friday, the Laemle in L.A. on Feb 7 and other cities to follow is the Guatemalan film José (Outsider Pictures), directed by Li Cheng, and starring newcomer Enrique Salanic as the title character, a closeted gay man who lives with his mother in Guatemala City, surviving on selling sandwiches at bus stops. Unfortunately, Salanic was denied an entry visa, so he won’t be able to attend the film’s New York premiere, but Li Cheng will be doing QnAs at the Quad all weekend.

Also, Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite is getting a “black and white” release this weekend, because… well, who knows why anyone does anything anymore?

STREAMING AND CABLE

If you weren’t at Sundance, you can sit back, chillax and watch the Taylor Swift doc Miss Americana on Netflix (as well as in select theaters but who would want people to know that they’re a Taylor Swift fan? So just stay at home and watch it since Netflix won’t report its box office either way.) There’s also the new Norwegian superhero series Ragnarok, which launches its first season this Friday and that might be more my speed.

Hitting Disney+ this week is Jon Favreau’s The Lion King, which I still haven’t seen, as well as a few other movies. Also, Robert Rodriguez’s Alita: Battle Angel will debut on HBO this Saturday night, and “Veep” creator Armando Iannucci’s new series “Avenue 5” will premiere its pilot on HBO’s streaming platforms starting Friday.

REPERTORY

Before we get to the usual theaters, I’m thinking of adding a few new ones (well, not that new as they’ve been around for ages), for instance, the Anthology Film Archives, which is pretty much in my neck of the woods are having a series called “The Devil Probably: A Century of Satanic Panic” starting on Friday night, complete with an appearance by Lucien Greaves, spokesperson and co-founder of the Satanic Temple, who will hold a black mass ritual and give a lecture before showings of Benjamin Christensen’s Häxan and Penny Lane’s 2018 doc, Hail Satan? (which is about Greaves.)  Other movies in the series include The Black Cat (1934), The Seventh Victim (1943) and classic thrillers Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and Race with the Devil (1975), as well as Terrence Fisher’s The Devil Rides Out (1968). (This week, the AFA is also showing late founder Jonas Mekas’ 1962 film Guns of the Trees with other Mekas works at least through Thursday!)

NITEHAWK CINEMA  (NYC):

Okay, we might as well initiate another new addition, the Brooklyn theater with two locations, one in Williamsburg and the other in Prospect Park. The Williamsburg will be showing David Slade’s excellent 2005 film Hard Candy, starring Patrick Wilson and Ellen Page on Friday night as well as L.A. Story, starring Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah on Saturday and Sunday. On Thursday night, Prospect Park will screen Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining(1980) but mostly will be focused on new films.

Now back to our regularly-scheduled rep theaters, including my personal fave…

METROGRAPH (NYC):

The Metrograph is beginning a theatrical run of a 35mm print of Martin Scorsese’s 1977 film New York, New York, starring Bobby De Niro and Liza Minelli, and while it’s the closest thing to a musical Scorsese has directed, it acts more as a biopic for the writing of the classic song, “New York, New York”… kinda. This was not my favorite movie when I first saw it in theaters as a kid, and it hasn’t improved that much with age although this is a great era for Minelli, just a few short years after she won the Oscar for Cabaret. (That was one of the main reasons I saw it when it first hit theaters.) It also should be of interest to those who want to see De Niro when he was young enough to look like his de-aged self in his latest collaboration with Scorsese in The Irishman. But if you thought that movie was long then this movie’s 2 ½ hour run-time is also a killer.

I was pretty thrilled this last weekend to see so many young people enjoying the movies of Hal Hartleyat the Metrograph’s retrospective, and this weekend, it will continue with Hartley’s best-known trilogy starting in 1997 with Henry Fool, which was followed up with Fay Grim (2006)(which I wasn’t a big fan of) and 2014’s Ned Rifle(which I never saw). This weekend will also see Hartley’s The Girl from Monday (2005) and a number of shorter films.

Another series starting Friday is To Hong Kong with Love, for the theater’s continued Lunar New Year, celebration, which runs through the month of February. This weekend we get Peter Chan’s Comrades: Almost a Love Story from 1996 and Christopher Doyle’s Hong Kong Trilogy from 2015.Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxcontinues on Thursday with another screening of Edward Yang’s 1991 film A Brighter Summer Day.  On Saturday night, the Safdies are presenting a screening of Adam Sandler’s The Wedding Singer from 1998.

This week’s Late Nites at Metrographis Brian de Palma’s Scarface (1983), starring the one and only Al Pacino! Also, THIS WEEKEND, Playtime: Family Matinees  is showing Taika Waititi’s excellent 2016 film Hunt for the Wilderpeople on Saturday and Sunday morning, so I expect to see you all there, at least on Saturday, which is when I’m attendings.

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

As mentioned last week, tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” is something called Killer Nun, and there’s also a sold-out Big Lebowski Movie Party. Next Tuesday, the Alamo is showing Michael Haneke’s 2002 film The Piano Teacher, starring Isabelle Huppert, and then “Terror Tuesday” is the 1977 horror film, The Sentinel. (Apparently, the Anthology isn’t the only New York theater on a satanic kick.) Next week’s “Weird Wednesday” is the “Lone Wolf and Cub” classic Shogun Assassin from 1980. (There will be two showings… one at 7pm and another at 9:30!) Also, on Monday, you’ll have another chance to see Takashi Miike’s Audition (1999), although that’s also almost sold out.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Weds’ afternoon classic is Sidney Lumet’s 1976 classic Network, and then Weds and Thurs. nights, you can see a triple feature of Orca (1977), Nightwing (1979) and the horror film Prophecy (1979),which is a pretty amazing trilogy. Friday’s “Afternoon Classics” is Friday the 13thPart V: A New Beginningfrom 1985. Friday night’s Midnight offering is Tarantino’s Django Unchainedwhile the weekend Kiddee Matinee is Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone from 2001. Wes Anderson’s Moonrise Kingdomwill screen as a matinee on Monday.

FILM FORUM (NYC):

The Forum’s “Black Women” series continues this week with a number of movies including Dorothy Dandridge in Island in the Sun  (1957) on Friday, Tarantino’s Jackie Brown on Saturday, along with Pam Grier’s classic Foxy Brown, which inspired it. Sunday is The Color Purple and more through the weekend, including Hal Ashby’s 1970 film The Landlord screening on Sunday and Monday night. This weekend’s Film Forum Jr is The Incredible Shrinking Man from 1957 in a 4k restoration.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

The Egyptian has been busy screening Oscar movies, trying to get some Academy members in to see them before voting next week. Cinematic Void 2020 continues this weekend with the Giallo film Strange Shadows in an Empty Room (1977) on Friday, then Joe Dante’s 16mm spotlight screens This Is Not a Test (1962) on Saturday, and then the Marx Brothers comedy Horse Feathers shows on Sunday in 35mm, and then that afternoon, they’ll screen Putney Swope, the 1969 film directed by Robert Downey Sr. and My Dinner with André (1981).

AERO  (LA):

Thursdays “Films of Marty and Bob” matinee is Mean Streets (free to Cinematique members), and then on Friday, it’s “Ford vs. Capra” as Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and Young Mr. Lincoln (both from 1939) screen as a double feature. Saturday is a “Ford vs. Spielberg Double Feature” of The Searchers (1956) and Saving Private Ryan (1998). Sunday is a suitably-timed “Super Dust Bowl Double Feature” of Ford’s The Grapes of Wrath (1940) with 1942’s The Ox-Bow Incident.

MOMA  (NYC):

This week’s Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmonare Glengarry Glenn Ross (1992) on Weds, Costa-Gravas’ Missing (1982) on Thursday and the 1995 film The Grass Harp. MOMA is also doing an “American Indies, 1980 – 1989” series  that will screen Charles Burnett’s My Brother’s Wedding (1983) and Steven Soderbergh’s sex, lies and videotape (1989) on Weds, John Waters’ Polyester (1981) and Bette Gordon’s Variety (1983) on Thursday, Jarmusch’s Stranger than Paradise (1984) and Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) on Friday, as well as the Coens’ Blood Simple, Wayne Wang’s Chan is Missing and Lizzie Borden’s Born in Flames over the weekend.

FILM AT LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

Milos Foreman’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975) will screen on Thursday as part of FilmLinc’s New Wave event for new members in their 20s and 30s. Oh, you young people get all the good stuff and yet, you still complain about everything. What’s up with that?

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020s is James Cameron’s Terminator 2: Judgment Day yet oddly, the other two ongoing series are taking off this weekend. I wonder why. Or maybe they’re just showing some of the same-old-same-old like The Shining, Suspiriaand  reshow of Cuaron’s Children of Men. (Plus they’re showing the Oscar-nominated shorts and other Oscar nominees in many theaters.)

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

In conjunction with its 2001: A Space Odysseyexhibition, MOMI has a series called “Influencing the Odyssey: Films that Inspired Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke,” this weekend showing Metropolis (1927), Forbidden Planet (1956), The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) and Ikarie XB1 (1963). 2001: A Space Odyssey will also screen again on Saturday.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

This week’s Nicolas Cage offering on Weds is 2002’s Windtalkers, which I remember liking even though it’s probably not good. They’re also showing Cage’s Gone in 50 Seconds remake (co-starring Angelina Jolie) on Thursday.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

Ooo… this Friday night’s midnight screening is a good one, one of my favorite movies of the last decade,Edgar Wright’s Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), starring Michael Cera and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who is also in next week’s wide release)!

Next week, Margot Robbie stars in Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn, and honestly, that might be one of only two or maybe three times I type out that annoyingly-long impossible-to-remember title!

[what-my-bones-said]

ALL OF THEM WHORE

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? shy but a good student

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? glass cups

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? I mean probably preppy because of how I dress for teaching?

7. earbuds or headphones? Headphones

8. movies or tv shows? tv shows 

9. favorite smell in the summer? suntan lotion 

10. game you were best at in p.e.? the game where I lost early and got to stand on the side and watch 

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? right now, cereal. Usually, oatmeal or fried eggs. 

12. name of your favorite playlist? My country playlist on spotify

13. lanyard or key ring? lanyard

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? sour patch kids 

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? The Things they Carried by Tim O’Brien

16. most comfortable position to sit in? nothing, I am constantly changing the position I sit in. I can’t sit still

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? My Sperrys or my white crocs

18. ideal weather? Sunny with a nice warm breeze

19. sleeping position? on my side typically but I move a lot at night

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? notebook with a pen-- but usually I write on my phone because it’s convenient 

21. obsession from childhood? umm.. I don’t know? If I had any?

22. role model? My mom

23. strange habits? watching pimple popping videos

24. favorite crystal? Celestine 

25. first song you remember hearing? Zombie by The Cranberries

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Bask in the sun and drink

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Curl up in a ball and watch tv bc I hate the cold

28. five songs to describe you? That describe me?? Okay. We’ll try. Man! I Feel Like a Woman-Shania Twain. I Don’t Wanna Be-Gavin Degraw. Who I Am- Jessica Andrews. She Keeps Me Warm-Mary Lambert. This is Me- The Greatest Showman Soundtrack 

29. best way to bond with you? Deep conversations, lots of snacks, and good beer

30. places that you find sacred? the docks at mount holyoke, the woods leading up to the docks

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? ooo... khakis, pink button down, and blazer OR a kick ass dress, depending on the mood. 

32. top five favorite vines? “LOOK AT ALL THOSE CHICKENS.” , It’s an avocado! Thanks!”, “I SMELL LIKE BEEEEF”, “THAT’S MY OPINION”, “That’s what good pussy sounds like”

33. most used phrase in your phone? “I love you” & Yikes bikes

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? WOW that’s a low price! 

35. average time you fall asleep? 11:00

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? The baby one? idk honestly 

37. suitcase or duffel bag? suitcase is easier to carry 

38. lemonade or tea? tea but i love me some lemonade 

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? lemon meringue pie 

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? my senior year for part of our senior prank my friend brought a keg full of mountain dew to school and people did keg stands in the parking lot

41. last person you texted? wifey 

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? pants pockets 

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? love a good cardi

44. favorite scent for soap? i have a new mango one that I really like 

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? sweatpants and a big tshirt/longsleeve in the winter, basketball shorts in the summer. 

47. favorite type of cheese? ooo... I’m going to go with goats cheese

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? A pomegranate-- i will explain only if asked.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? “We have to create. It is the only thing louder than destruction” -Andrea Gibson

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? idk my wife says a lot of funny things

51. current stresses? not being able to fly and see my wife, my kids not being in the classroom for the rest of the year... basically the state of the world.

52. favorite font? I’m a boring hoe that loves Times New Roman... also into Playfair though. 

53. what is the current state of your hands? Dry as hell and not holding my wife’s... so... not good. 

54. what did you learn from your first job? That not everybody has the same opportunities as me and I should be thankful that I was able to get a college education....

also that drive thru sucks and you should appreciate fast food workers bc their job is shit. 

55. favorite fairy tale? Hansel and Gretel is fun

56. favorite tradition? Christmas party at my parent’s house

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? My grandmother dying is my biggest one, and the struggle of having anxiety is one I’m constantly trying to overcome

58. four talents you’re proud of having? poetry writing, I guess I can sing?, and act a little bit?, teaching-- because I feel like it is a talent

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? absolutely no idea.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? Something like Ouran High School Host Club

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?  “There is no dishonor in losing the race. There is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose.”- The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein 

62. seven characters you relate to? Tina from Bob’s Burgers, Piggie from the Elephant and Piggie books, Rory from Gilmore Girls, Part of Monica from Friends, parts of Joey from Friends, Linda from Bob’s Burgers, Oscar the Grouch from Seasame Street

63. five songs that would play in your club? Yeah!-Usher, Dancing Queen- ABBA, Man! I Feel Like a Woman- Shania Twain, Maneater- Nelly Furtado, Work it- Missy Elliot 

64. favorite website from your childhood? Addicting Games

65. any permanent scars? A small scar on my wrist from burning myself on the oven

66. favorite flower(s)? Lilies 

67. good luck charms? My wife

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? GRAPE

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Otters hold hands

70. left or right handed? right handed 

71. least favorite pattern? Paisley 

72. worst subject? Math

73. favorite weird flavor combo? Ketchup and Mac and Cheese... not really flavors but 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 7

75. when did you lose your first tooth? no idea

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? how could I ever pick a favorite potato food when I love them all equally? Except tater tots. Tater tots can go away. 

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? Cactus 

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Sush 

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? school ID

80. earth tones or jewel tones? earth tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? fireflies 

82. pc or console? pc 

83. writing or drawing? writing

84. podcasts or talk radio? podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket? POLLY POCKET 

85. fairy tales or mythology? Fairy tales

86. cookies or cupcakes? cookies

87. your greatest fear? plane crash

88. your greatest wish? world peace? also to be living on the same continent as my wife

89. who would you put before everyone else? my wife and my family 

90. luckiest mistake? no clue

91. boxes or bags? bags 

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? fairy lights

93. nicknames? my dad calls me gert (like gertrude) 

94. favorite season? fall

95. favorite app on your phone? My homescapes app 

96. desktop background? just the blue windows background. I’m boring and should change that 

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? three including mine 

98. favorite historical era? Renaissance?